discussion board

Discussion #1

            When considering if it is best to marry someone with similarities or differences, an argument can be made for both. Some contend that couple differences diminish the weakness of a spouse, suggesting that differences can be beneficial to the relationship. Additionally, strengths of one spouse often vary from the strengths of the other (Hawkins, 1991). Hawkins (1991) goes on to assert that without acknowledging and accepting the differences of one’s spouse, intimacy cannot exist; therefore, it is necessary to allow room for differences and appreciate differences in a spouse. Still, many insist that it is best to have more similarities than differences. According to Deal (2012), it is easier to live with someone with similar personality traits and living together because increasingly difficult with more personality differences. While opposites often attract before marriage, they can clash or attack after marriage (Deal, 2012). 

            I believe any trait that is helpful to your spouse and the relationship constitutes a strength; as such, even personality differences can be strengths.  Being well aligned in the areas in which it is beneficial to be the same (same religion, same commitment level, etc.) and well balanced in opposing yet complimentary traits (one spouse helps the other to be more communicative, one spouse helps the other to be more patient, etc.) can contribute to great marital successes and years of harmony. Therefore, instead of seeking a spouse that is exactly the same, it might be wise to also carefully consider in which areas it might best serve a marriage to have a spouse that is different from one’s self. As indicated in Romans 12:6-8, God has given different gifts to different people; one should use their strengths and God-given talents to bolster their spouse and others who may lack those unique traits or abilities.

References

Deal, R. L. (2012). Dating and the single parent. Bethany House Publishing. 

Hawkins, R. E. (1991). Strengthening marital intimacy: Elements in the process. Baker Publishing Group. 

Liberty University. (2017). Prepare/Enrich (Current ed.). Life Innovations Inc.

Discussion#2

When considering couple strengths and weaknesses it seems easy to assume that couples who are more similar in traits, habits, preferences would have greater compatibility and therefore be stronger as a couple. But compatibility doesn’t guarantee a couple be conflict free. Couples who are similar, might fall into the trap of making assumptions about their spouse, not communicating their needs and preferences clearly (“they should already know”). Couples who are dissimilar, and recognize it might tend to make a greater effort to communicate, to understand their spouse etc.

In my view, a couple’s strength or weakness does not come from sharing or not sharing similar preferences, but in their ability to communicate their needs to their spouse, and the level to which they accept each other’s unique personality and make-up. Ronald Hawkins in his book, Strengthening Marital Intimacy affirms this viewpoint.

He discusses couple differences as a fact of reality and acknowledges that every married couple will have differences in their habits, values, temperaments and tastes. What is crucial, he emphasizes is acceptance. He says that intimacy in marriage cannot be achieved without acceptance of the other person. (Hawkins, 1991 p. 87)

Acceptance is the strength that overcomes differences in spouses. Couples may not always be compatible (in the sense of having similar habits, traits etc.) but if couples intentionally engage in the practice of acceptance, along with adaptation and affirmation, couple differences need not become a divisive aspect of the relationship (and therefore a weakness).

In working with a couple through a premarital counseling session, I would want to understand the level to which the couple is communicating, accepting of each other and affirming each other. The Prepare/Enrich website offers resources to help couples work through differences they have with each other, learn to communicate their own needs, and work through inevitable conflicts that will arise.  (Prepare Enrich, n.d.)

References

(n.d.). Retrieved from Prepare Enrich: https://www.prepare-enrich.com/

Hawkins, R. (1991). Strengthening Marital Intimacy. USA: Baker Publishing Group.