training manual for conflict management
manuelledezma
RespondingtoconflictApracticalguidetomanagingyourownconflictsch4-1.pptxResponding to Conflict: A Practical Guide to Managing Your Own Conflicts
Chapter 4
The S-TLC System
Stopping: Taking time out
Thinking about the conflict
Listening in conflict situations
Communicating in conflict situations: Asserting yourself
Stopping: Taking Time Out
When you realize that a conflict exists, begin by saying “Stop!”
Exit temporarily to calm yourself. It is recommended that you advise the other person that you will return, and not abandoning the situation.
Sip a beverage
Count backwards to 100
Change the topic for a while
What other approaches do you use to take some time out?
Think About the Conflict
Consider its causes and possible outcomes before you take action.
Think about doing nothing, or about changing the other person, situation or self.
We can do nothing and try to live with the situation- Not very productive
We can try to change the other person- Sometimes it’s based on our own needs, and may seem selfish to the other
We can try to change ourselves- Changing our wants or needs?
We can try to change the situation- A major undertaking and usually used as a last resort
Think about your goals
Instrumental goals- Requires opponent to remove obstacle.
Relational goals- Attempt to gain power while still establishing trust.
Identity goals- Concerns how the participants in conflict view each other.
Process goals- How to manage conflict communication
Listening to Conflict Situations
Listening is just as important as expressing your views.
Most people want to justify themselves when they hear criticism, which prevents one from hearing what the other has to say. Instead, one should suspend judgement and listen to the entire message.
Listening includes:
Focusing one’s attention on the other
Being open to the other person’s views
Suspending judgement
Being patient to hear them out
Listening cont’d
Defensiveness: A state of emotional arousal when we believe that the other person is attacking us, which in turn affects our behavior.
When sensitive people believe that another has attacked their flaw, they respond by defending themselves.
Listening can reduce our own and others’ defensiveness.
Listening cues such as head nods show you are interested and encourages them to continue. You can also:
Shift you attention to the other person.
Look at the other person.
Try to understand their feelings, rather than arguing with him or her.
**Listening doesn’t mean you agree; you are a only hearing them out before agreeing or disagreeing.
Communicating in Conflict Situations: Asserting Yourself
Assertive Communication: The ability to speak up for one’s interests, concerns, or rights in a way that does not interfere with the interests or infringes on the rights of others.
Assertiveness is a means of avoiding a build up of conflict until it gets blown out of proportion.
Surround yourself with people who can handle your assertiveness.
Central to assertiveness is the idea that we all have basic communication rights.
Basic communication rights
Be listened to and taken seriously.
Say no, refuse requests, and turn down invitations without feeling guilty or being accused of selfishness.
Expect that others do not talk to you in a condescending way.
Have your own feelings and opinions.
Privacy- to keep personal matters to yourself.
Change your opinions, feelings, needs, and behaviors.
Ask others to change their behavior when it continues to violate your rights.
Etc.
Confronting Individuals
Confrontation- An interpersonal conflict communication process in which the parties call attention to problems or issues as they occur between them and express their feelings, beliefs, and wants to one another.
Six-step process recommended (see next slide).
When you find yourself stopped at one-step, backtrack one or more steps to allow for a more thorough discussion before attempting to move forward.
The Six-Step Confrontation Process
1. Preparation: Identify your problems/needs/issues.
2. Arrange for a time and place to meet and talk.
3. Interpersonal confrontation: Talk to the other person about your problem.
4. Consider your partner’s point of view: Listen, empathize, and respond with understanding.
5. Resolve the problem: Make a mutually satisfying agreement.
6. Follow up on the solution: Set a time limit for reevaluation.
Preparation: Identify Your Problems/Needs/Issues
Self-talk is important. This is where you verbalize inner messages (out-loud or to ourselves).
Ask yourself, “who, what, where, when, and how” can help you to examine many more aspects of a situation.
Self-talk may lead to imagined interactions, where you think about what you might say and how the other person might respond.
Arrange A Convenient Time and Place to Talk
You both need to agree on a time to talk about what is bothering you. It’s a good idea to tell them the subject so they don’t need to worry about something else that has nothing to do with the meeting.
It is recommended that you choose a time within 24 hours from your request to talk.
Choose a place that is free from distractions.
Tips for asserting yourself:
Stand tall or lean forward slightly (but don’t crowd the other person)
Keep at least a couple of feet between you and the other person.
Look at them, but don’t stare.
Look serious, but don’t frown or glare.
Speak firmly, calmly and slowly.
Use open gestures and avoid threatening gestures.
State your point in terms of needs, wants, concerns; find something you both agree .
Consider Your Partner’s Point of View
Empathy is the ability to consider another person’s beliefs or feelings, so that we can see the situation from the perspective of the other.
You don’t have to agree; you just need to understand their point of view.
Put yourself in the other’s position. Ask yourself how you would feel if you were asked to make the change you requested. Would you be annoyed?
Avoid telling others they have no right to feel how they feel. Instead focus on why others feel the way they do and what role those feelings play in conflict.
Avoid telling them, “I know exactly how you feel” when you are in conflict since these statements belittle others and negates the uniqueness of their experience.
Manage the Problem
Come to a mutual understanding and reach an agreement.
Simple agreement doesn’t need to be in writing; however, complex agreements should be in written form.
Request specific actions.
Each person should have a copy of the agreement.
Follow Up on the Solution
Set a time limit for re-evaluation
Review at a later date to check for effectiveness.
Reward yourself if successful, and revise agreement if not successful.
I-Statements: Avoiding Defensiveness
I-Statements allows for the grieving individual to effectively communicate their desire for change without offending the other person so much that he/she stops listening.
I-Statements personalize conflicts by owning up to our feelings rather than making them the responsibility of the other person.
Specify your feelings about the situation as specifically as possible and link them to behavior in some way.
Components of I-Statements
Feelings statement e.g. “I feel annoyed.”
Problematic behavior statement e.g. “When I have to put gas in my car after you use it.”
Consequences statement e.g. “because I end up having to take time to get gas.”
Goal statement e.g. “I’d like you to get gas after you use my car.” Avoid using words such as “demand,” “require,” “or else”
Complete I-Statement: “I feel annoyed when I have to put gas in my car after you use it because I end up having to take time to get gas. I’d like you to get gas after you use my car.”
** make statement in calm tone of voice.
Advantages of Using I-Statements
Provide information
Demonstrate honesty
Reduce defensiveness
Challenges Associated With I-Statements
It is tempting to hit the other.
It requires we form a new habit as we think about asserting how we feel.
Using Creativity in Managing Conflicts
Creativity is the process of making sense of some problem in a new way.
Stages of creativity:
The preparation stage- Use previous learning to address problem
The incubation stage- Giving shape and form to problem
The illumination stage- Idea appears
The verification stage- Test ideas
Trained incapacity
Trained incapacity (abilities/talents that inhibits thinking):
Task-oriented/Goal-centered leader- Quick and efficient technique can stifle creativity.
Critical thinking- Criticisms can stifle new ideas
Creativity As Thinking Differently
Think of problems differently
Imagine how others might handle the conflict
Vertical thinking- Move through a series of steps, making sure each is completed before the next one is started.
Lateral thinking- Restructuring patterns and provoking new ones. Consider all the patterns. Brainstorming can be used.
Reversal
Change of entry point and attention point
Six Hats:
White hat: Information
Red hat: Feelings
Yellow hat: Values and Beliefs
Black hat: Devil’s advocate
Green hat: Creativity
Blue hat: Macro approach
Creativity cont’d
Mind-mapping: Use existing ideas to generate new ones.
Central image or graphic representation of a problem.
Ideas flow freely (no censorship).
Use 1-2 words to label.
Use color to emphasize.
Use lines to show relationship between ideas.
Visual journaling: Like a nonverbal journal (think of a collage).
Use lots of images.
Place images different and use different arrangement style.
Look at what the images and text are telling you about the conflict.
Mind-Mapping Activity
https :// www.youtube.com/watch?v=wLWV0XN7K1g
A fellow employee, Phil, has not been contributing equally to complete the normal weekly work at hand. Phil claims he is contributing, but that he is swamped with other work and the emotional aftermath of a bitter divorce. Some fellow workers are upset that he has been so lax and feel that they should take their complaints about Phil to the supervisor. You are good friends with Phil and know he's not lazy but feel that he may be overdramatizing his problems a bit. Your brought up the topic with Phil over coffee last night, but he was defensive and maintained his "innocence" he even accused you of not sympathizing with him.
