Order 1252114: Styles of Love, Unconscious Choices, Failed Love and Divorce, Whom we love ~ Object Stories

~THE RELIGION STORY

Here I refer to two kinds of religion stories. However, the two

kinds can also be viewed as two different stories.

In one kind of religion story, religion is an integral part of the

story of a loving relationship. The partners in the relationship typ-

ically see themselves not only in partnership with each other, but

in partnership with God, by whose grace their relationship started

and continues. In theory, and occasionally in practice, the religion

need not even involve any kind of deity, although for our purposes

here, we will refer to religion stories as involving God in some

role.

The role God or another deity plays may vary as a function of

the religion. Most typically, God is seen as infusing the entire rela-

tionship. Thus, God is not some third partner, but rather an integral

part of every aspect of the relationship. Without God there would

be no relationship. God may also be viewed as a third (perhaps

higher-order) partner. Or God may be viewed more abstractly, as

providing guidance in the way the relationship and its interface with

the world should proceed.

In the second kind of religion story, the religion, in effect, is the

relationship. The individual seeks salvation through the relationship.

Thus, the person hopes the relationship will supply what religion

typically has not. A partner may see his or her lover in much the

way someone else would see a religious figure-as the partner's

source of salvation.

Diagnosing the Religion Story

RELIGION IN RELATIONSHIP

1 I cannot imagine myself in a relationship in which my partner does not share my

spiritual beliefs. 2 l believe that the closeness and unity involved in a close relationship almost

require that partners have similar religious beliefs.

3 My devotion to my partner can only be seen in the larger context of my devotion to God.

4 The love that I feel for my partner has a sacred place within my heart, just as my

spiritual beliefs do. 5 I believe true love should be a part of, rather than separate from, one's religious

life.

6 1 believe love is like spiritual belief in that it can be truly recognized only by your

heart, rather than by your mind. 7 1 believe that in the best relationships, people help each other draw closer to God.

8 It is very important to me that my partner share my religious beliefs.

RELATIONSHIP AS RELIGION

1 1 seem to seek salvation in relationships, much as other people do in religion.

2 1 feel like my relationship has saved me from despair.

3 Relationships can serve much the same function for me that religion does for other

people. 4 1 don't know what I would do without my partner. 5 My relationship has saved me from myself. 6 1 have found that I need religion less now that I am in the relationship I'm in.

7 When 1 do not feel really involved in a relationship, I feel as though I am lost at

sea. 8 To me, having a relationship is like having a religion.

Jerry and Ruby

Sitting quietly in his room, Jerry listens with sadness to the loud

argument that his parents are having down the hall. He cannot hear

what they are saying, but it does not matter; the only important thing

is that, over the years, their love for one another has dwindled to a

remnant of what it once must have been. Jerry hopes that the love

he shares with his girlfriend, Ruby, will never disintegrate the way

his parents' love has, and that they will always be as close as they

are now. So far Jerry and Ruby's relationship has lasted six months, and

throughout that time they have been virtually inseparable. For them,

love is more powerful than anything else in the world. Whenever Jerry has a problem, he looks to Ruby to help him get

through it. He believes that her compassion and her wisdom, as well

as her strong love for him, will help him surmount all of the obstacles

that life puts in his way. In accordance with this belief, Jerry is just

now wiping away his tears and getting ready to go over to Ruby's

f, house; he is certain that her company will help him cope with the ~i hard times he is having at home. .•

Jerry slips out of the house, easily avoiding his parents, who are

too busy screaming at each other to notice his departure. He drives t over to Ruby's house and enters through the back door-always kept I open in case of a late-night occasion such as this one. He walks '

upstairs to Ruby's room, being careful not to wake her mother. He {

tiptoes to the side of her bed and gently shakes her shoulder. As she '! gets up, she "notices his tears and gives him a warm hug. They lie

down and discuss the situation, holding each other closely the entire

time. Jerry makes Ruby promise him that they will never go through

the turmoil that has defined the relationship between his parents.

Ruby assures him of this, easing his pain by telling him how much

she loves him. She adds that nothing will ever get in the way of the

love that they share. She explains that the feelings they have for each

other are stronger than anything else in the world-so strong they practically can be etched in stone.

While listening to Ruby's words, Jerry nods in agreement, smiling

peacefully as he does so. There are no longer any tears on his face.

Once again Ruby has been able to get Jerry through a difficult mo-

ment in his life by assuring him of how powerful and unwavering

theu love for one another will always be. With this on his mind ' Jerry closes his eyes and falls asleep in Ruby's arms.

Brenda and Timothy

Along with three hundred others, Brenda went to the main lawn

at Mayberry College to hear a fellow student, Timothy, give a speech

on the importance of God. Brenda listened attentively as Timothy

expressed his view that we must all fight the horror of the world,

as well as the evil urges dwelling inside of us, by looking to God

and the unconditional love that he has for humankind. Timothy

argued that we must follow God's example by loving others as he loves us.

Brenda, like many of those around her, was strongly influenced

by Timothy's words. Her emotional involvement, however, was per-

haps stronger than anyone else's, because of the recent event that

almost took her life. She was riding her bike across the campus late

one night when she approached an intersection by the gym. Ordi-

narily there are almost no cars that pass through this intersection at

night, and Brenda had grown accustomed to riding straight through

it. On this night, however, there was a car at the intersection, and it was moving at a fairly high speed. Miraculously, Brenda was able

to slam on the brakes of her bike in time to narrowly avert an

accident. Even though Brenda was not hurt, the incident was trau-

matic for her. It caused her to contemplate her place in the world

more thoroughly than she had ever done before; as she did so, she

started to feel as though everything she was doing was wrong and,

moreover, that there was something missing in her life. As she lis-

tened to Timothy's words on God and love, she almost felt as though

he were addressing her directly.

At the end of the speech, Brenda wished to talk to Timothy about

what he said. She walked up to where he was standing and told him

how much his words meant to her. She asked him if there was any way that the two of them could sir down at some point and talk

about his ideas in more detail. Timothy was flattered by Brenda's

praise and invited her to come over to his house,

That night Brenda and Timothy spent several hours talking about

the latter's views on God and love. They discussed Brenda's near-

fatal accident and the soul searching to which it led. Timothy listened

closely to Brenda's concerns about her life and tried to help her out

as best he could. He told her of similar situations in his own life and

of how he was able to confront them by turning to God. They talked

well into the night, and would have talked longer, but Brenda finally

had to tell Timothy with regret that she had to leave. Before she

left, however, they arranged to meet again.

Six weeks have passed since Brenda's first conversation with Tim-

othy, and over that time they have been practically inseparable.

Brenda regards her relationship with Timothy as the most important

thing in the world to her. She credits him with turning her life

around, and she hopes that the love they share, through the grace of

God, will never die.

Modes of Thought and Behavior

The religion story either views love as serving the function of a

religion (as in the case of Jerry and Ruby) or views religion as an

integral parr oflove (as in the case of Brenda and Timothy). In either case, religion is a critical part of the relationship. Its part is quite

different in the two kinds of religion stories, however.

In one case, love is salvation, which is how psychologist Theodore

Reik suggested we see love. 1 We seek through another person the

salvation we cannot find in any other way. In the other case, only

religion can bring salvation, but love of another person can help

make one's life much richer, and also help one fulfill one's respon- sibilities toward God.

Complementary Roles: Coreligionists, Savior and Salvation Seeker

There are a number of possible complementary roles in a religion

story. One set of such roles involves two individuals who have a

loyalty to each other and to their religion. They are coreligionists

who participate in their religion individually and collectively. Tim-

othy and Brenda fall into this set of roles. A second possible set of

roles is savior and the person seeking salvation, as in the case of

Jerry's seeking salvation through Ruby. In this second case, it is also

possible for each member of a couple to seek salvation through the

other, so that each individual is simultaneously the person seeking

salvation and the savior.

Advantages and Disadvantages

Most religions of the world have encouraged marriage, which is

a source of stability (and, incidentally, of future members of the

religion). The religion story in which two people view themselves in

a relationship infused with the presence of God generally seems to

be an adaptive one, and churches that encourage this point of view

seem to have relatively low divorce rates among their members. Of

course, these lower divorce rates reflect not just happiness of the

I ! ~

t

I f I I I

relationship but also the tendency of such religions, at least as they

are practiced, to discourage divorce. Viewing love as a source of salvation-the other kind of religion

story-is risky, for much the same reason that love as a source of

recovery is risky. For one thing, salvation probably cannot come suc-

cessfully from another person. As a result, those who look to rela-

tionships for salvation are likely to be disappointed. Moreover, those

who seek salvation through relationships usually are themselves in a

sufficiendy desperate state that, although they may be fully ready to

receive love, they may not be ready fully to give it.

("'-THE GAME STORY

The game story goes back at least to Ovid, who described love as

ludic, or gamelike 1 This view of love is also captured in John Lee's

notion of the gamelike, or ludic, lover.' What distinguishes the game story from other gamelike stories or

stories about love being fun is that in this story the game is what is

called "zero-sum": There is a winner and a loser, and as one indi-

vidual comes closer to winning, the other comes closer to losing. 3

Thus, the game story involves a kind of competition, although one

of the partners may be unaware that the competition is taking place.

Often, multiple individuals are involved in the game, but only one

partner may be aware of this fact, or both partners may be aware,

but with respect to different players. They may both be playing the

same game without either partner realizing it. One of the most well-known expressions of the game story m

film can be found in the movie Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? where

Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor have constructed an elaborate

game in which each is continually trying to undercut the other. But

each is also dependent on the other to play the game and to follow

the rules. When the rules change, it spells disaster for the relation-

ship. Burton and Taylor suck another young couple into their game,

destroying that couple along with themselves. Games do not have to be as destructive as the Taylor-Burton

game, but their competitive nature is at odds with t..~e way we typ-