REL331

Instructor Reading Guide

He meets up with the well-known Dorothy Day, a true American saint, who manifested a “holy

fierceness” (101) and who was remarkable “present” (102).

But “my entire life had gone to hell.” The God whom he‟d been working with had “shoved a

new and improvisational story into my hands” (105).

Note the aspect of “story” and “improvisational.” Often it is assumed that we know in advance

the story of our life that we‟re writing. Paul here – a talented writer – is beginning to suspect that

the story is up for grabs and we have to improvise.

What do you think of this? if it is true, it pretty well makes a mockery of our neat five-year plans

with measurable goals and objectives.

His decision? An impromptu bus tour/retreat of his own devising. The first friars he stays with

feed his fantasies of a holy life, but in fact, “it was a sad place” (107). The Benedictines at Mt.

Saviour Monastery were highly disciplined, and he gets lots of inspiration. At Madonna House in

Canada, the well-known “Baroness” Catherine de Hueck he found to be just plain weird (113).

At Benedict Labre house in Montreal, Tony Walsh advises him to see Father Mark Delary at St.

Joseph‟s Abbey in Massachusetts. Paul goes on about his issues of holiness, and Father Mark

asks what fiction he‟s reading and advises that “what you do is also important.” And adds the

statement attributed to Lin Chi, “If you meet the Buddha on the road, kill him”(116). [Meaning:

a finite image of true reality is an idol – but this applies to our thoughts and concepts also.]

He and J.C. end their marriage 119.

Paul doesn‟t tell the reader much here, does he? What do you make of all this? Careful, it‟s very

hard to get “inside” someone else‟s marriage.

He now imagines himself an altruistic “man for others” (the phrase is from Dietrich Bonhoeffer,

the Lutheran theologian murdered by Nazis).

One good thing is his meeting another real saint, Jacques Travers. Paul reflects now that “there is

an entirely different dimension to these individuals. They see God in everyone…. It is so natural

as to be barely discernible” (123).

What do you think of such a meeting? Is it possible? It‟s very odd and arresting when it happens;

it sort of stops you in your tracks, sometimes when you least expect it. That happened to this

writer a month before writing this. I‟ve met holy people whom I expected to be holy, but I had

no expectations regarding this Cistercian monk (I know quite a few monks.) But his simple

presence, intelligence, and strange humility spoke for itself. Quite overwhelming.

He starts seeing a Jewish psychoanalyst, Barbara Koltuv. He sees her for four years, but she‟ not

encouraging about his seeking sainthood. She tries to get him real about his feelings (129).

Mr. Voluntary Poverty asks Kurt Vonnegut‟s girlfriend out (he doesn‟t know it‟s KV‟s woman)

who had come to photograph him for a Newsweek story on his book about an American family,

done in the style of the new “immersion journalism” (133). Westinghouse Broadcasting gets

interested in a TV series based on his book. He‟s “deeply unhappy” (139) in his current situation

as saint for the poor and looks for signs about what to do, has a sexual experience, and in the end

Jacques Travers lovingly bids him farewell. “Your heart ees good; listen to eet” (141).

He takes up a new life, with an office on Park Avenue and weekends in The Hamptons, partying

with famous people and celebrities, enjoying alcohol, drugs, a series of sexual encounters. “I was

a virtual teenager again…. The new god had arrived. It was me” (149). Christopher Lasch had

written: “In a dying culture, narcissism appears to embody – in the guise of personal „growth‟

and „awareness‟ – the highest attainment of spiritual enlightenment” (151).

An interesting fact about human beings in our culture: we can confuse personal growth with

egotism. When cultures don‟t give any choice of personal growth, this problem doesn‟t exist. But

our culture can have this – “in spades,” as we say. Do you perhaps have some form of this

problem? Note that if you did, it would be hard to tell since the whole issue with being

narcissistic is that your judgment is clouded and you can‟t see it clearly. Fun stuff, right?

He takes a week off (“off … from what?” he asks now) at a resort in Jamaica. “The rank putrid

smell of my life …. I sobbed until the back of my throat ached. The utter hollowness of it all

enveloped me” (154).

Do you know what he‟s feeling here? Do you think that having high spiritual expectations of

himself has anything to do with it?

It gets worse. The drinking and drugs increase, and he even goes to a church – Fourth Unitarian –

in order to have sex (159). Pretty far from the sainthood he‟d envisioned for himself earlier.

He yearns for someone he could talk to who knew that “life was an awful rowing toward God

and that sometimes your boat simply got swamped” (160).

At this point, Paul contrasts his situation with that of Thomas Merton‟s account of his experience

at Fourth and Walnut in Louisville, KY. This occurred on March 18, 1958. Merton had gone to

Louisville for medical reasons. Merton writes, “I loved all this people …. There is no way of

telling people that they are all waking around shining like the sun” (161). Merton here was

rejecting a dualistic theology that separates people in monasteries from ordinary folk on the

street. He was experiencing a wholeness of life, a unity, a oneness. Paul, on the other hand, is

focused on “me, me, me” (161) and he‟s not able at this point to bring together both his spiritual

aspirations and his daily life.

He‟s not alone in this problem, right?

He finds himself “trying to outrun the decaying smell of my dying soul” (164).

Does this sound overdramatic to you? Careful here. Remember, he‟s extremely talented with a

brain whirring all the time, he became fairly famous in a very short period of time, in a social

period in New York before AIDS that was known for “swinging,” and he had lots of

opportunities. Please keep in mind he knows of several successful people who have committed

suicide (130). Is it possible that there‟s a trap here, lying in wait for any one of us just as we‟re

being “successful”? Recall how “successful” Michael Jackson was, right? Perhaps you‟ve also

heard stories of people who win the lottery and what happens to some of them? Some have

ended up with even less money than they had before.

He meets Tracy Gochberg, the woman he‟ll eventually marry (it was not love but lust at first

sight [165]), but there are immediate problems. For one thing, “married life seemed too

ordinary” (172). For another, he wants to be a hermit for awhile! He thinks he may have a

monastic calling. Tracy, of course, is interested in another M word, marriage (174).

Whew! Are you exhausted yet? Well, there‟s more to come!