Improve my paper based on Instructor's comment.

REFLECT

You have written your cultural and communication style self-assessment essay on the quadrants relationship style and time management.

PRAISE

       Very good introduction development.

       Solid thesis in the right place that uses the model exactly.

       Very good sentence mechanics. Great sentence construction. Good use of accurate vocabulary, too.

       Perfect overall organization using the rhetorical model we provided.

       Many strong instances of using the scores and explanations from the ICEdge results (just make sure you give the credit via in-text citation).

       Each paragraph has a clear topic sentence.

       Thoughtful conclusion.

 

Fantastic sentences: 

       An excellent communicator is always willing to ask about the best way they can perform their role better, and their performance is enhanced.

Good point! I wish this could always be true!

       Even at school, a communicator will not shy away from asking the teacher or a classmate something they need further clarification on, thereby improving their class performance.

As an instructor, I also wish this were always true 😊

 

RECOMMENDATIONS AND STRATEGIES FOR IMPROVEMENT (R4I)

When you post your essay next time, please please just upload the file in a .doc or .docx version.  Pasting the text of your essay makes it lose all the formatting and then I have to go through extra steps to read it.

 

Focus:

I went over it when I previewed the assignment in my announcement, but I wanted to go over it again – this ICEdge survey you took does not measure you in a way that is “good” or “bad.” You used terms such as “poor” to describe time management but “high” and “highly” to discuss relationship traits.  Consider that the score is on a scale that determines your level of context-dependence (the extent to which you take information/cues from others), not whether you are strong or weak at something.

 

Following APA Guidelines:

The essay you submitted does not meet most APA format rules.  Please see the sample essay here and make the basic changes: https://owl.purdue.edu/owl/research_and_citation/apa_style/apa_formatting_and_style_guide/apa_sample_paper.html

-use a cover page

-indent paragraphs

-running header

-(do not include the abstract, however)

 

The References page has an entry for the ICEdge results, which is great, but it is not cited correctly – you have yourself listed as the author. There is technically not an “author,” so use the name of the document itself first, then the year, then ICEdge as the source.

 

Following Assignment Guidelines:

Your thesis is fine, but the model is not necessarily meant to be copied word for word. It is my recommendation for you to use a slightly altered version.

 

Using direct quotes via in-text citation is a requirement of the assignment, and you have the opportunity to do that in almost every paragraph. Any time you use the ideas and words of another, you must give credit. When you use the exact language from a source, you should use direct quotes. Look at this paragraph:

I achieved the highest score in the relationship style of communication. The score in the communication characteristic of network reliance was 6.2, which is an indication that I am highly reliant on personal network connections. The reason for my high score is because I exhibited the behavior that I am more comfortable engaging in business dealings with people that I am in a social relationship with and those that I share a long term relationship with. To some extent, having such behavior has its advantages, but there are also some disadvantages. Through being reliant on personal connections, I can achieve trust, security, and I can eliminate risks and uncertainty that comes from dealing with strangers. However, by failing to engage with those that I do not know, I could be missing out on excellent opportunities. If I were a person who does not wholly rely on networks, then I would leverage the business opportunities that are presented by people I do not know. I would learn about using contracts in securing business relationships with strangers and also learn that doing background checks can be an effective strategy when networking with a stranger.

From what I can tell, all the bolded passage is taken from the ICEdge report, and because of that it has to be documented as such. There is a link to in-text citation rules in the guidelines. Make sure in every paragraph that you have documented the source appropriately.

 

Development of ideas in each paragraph (one at a time):

In most (if not all) of your body paragraphs, you should use a story from your past/upbringing to show how you were influenced to communicate in that particular way. The guidelines ask you to do this in every body paragraph:

 

       Make connections between the traits/behaviors you laid out and the aspects of your identity that influenced or shaped those same traits/behaviors.

       Provide specific examples from your life that clarify how each part of your identity you want to focus on has influenced your communication style.

 

When I say “story” I mean a specific narrative. Some details need to be added to make the story adhere or stick to a certain time and place:

 

NARRATIVE strategy

Describe a scene that supports the main idea of the paragraph.  A scene should contain a character or characters, description, dialogue, and/or action.  Include information about who, what, when, where, how, and why these events occurred.

Organization:

Paragraph 5 (beginning with “On the other”) should be joined to Paragraph 4.  Currently, paragraph 5 is not strong enough or developed enough to be on its own.

 

Sentences:

Intro –

The environment might also influence out communication because we learn from what we see others doing.

See the typo?

WRAP-UP

Thank you for your hard work on this essay. 

· Does what I wrote in this letter of analysis make sense to you?  

· Do you need assistance understanding any writing strategy presented here? 

· Do you have other questions about writing or about this assignment? 

Seth