Order 1252114: Styles of Love, Unconscious Choices, Failed Love and Divorce, Whom we love ~ Object Stories

r" THE RECOVERY STORY

The recovery story is one of survival. The individual has been

through some kind of trauma-substance abuse, victimization,

prison, war, or other forms of violence-and seeks recovery through

a relationship. Abraham Maslow spoke of deficiency love.' The goal

of deficiency love is to find in another person something that one

was never able to find in oneself. The metaphor of deficiency is

particularly appropriate here, because the person seeking recovery

hopes, somehow, that the other person will be able to bring about a

recovery that one was never able to bring about oneself. Of course,

it is very difficult, and often impossible, for someone else to give you

what you cannot find in yourself.

In this story, both the person attempting to recover and the co-

dependent, as the partner is sometimes called, become dependent on

the past for their relationship. Their relationship feeds on putting the past behind them at the same time that this past is a vital part

of the relationship. Ironically, the relationship may actually cease to

function should the person in need of recovery actually recover. Upon recovery, the relationship may well have lost the reason for which it

came into being and the motivation that resulted in its continuation.

l ---------------1 Diagnosing the Recovery Story

CODEPENDENT

I often end up with people who face a specific problem in their past or present

life, and I find myself helping them get their life back in order. ' ; t

2 I enjoy being involved in relationships in which my partner needs my help to get f. ·over some problem. \''·

3 I think a truly good relationship could mean the beginning of a new life for those i individuals who have had to face unfortunate circumstances in their lives. 4

4 I often find myself with partners who need my help to recover from the hurts of !·

~~rp• ~

PERSON IN RECOVERY

I need someone who wi!! help me recover from my painful past I I

2 I believe that a relationship can save me from a life that is crumbling around me. '

3 I need help getting over my past. },

4 The best relationship would be one in which my partner and I both could devote t a great deal of.time and effort helping me to get over my past. f

Jacob and Alice

Jacob is lucky to be alive. Six weeks ago, after drinking twelve

beers at a local bar, he drove his car headfirst into a tree. He was in

a coma for thirty-six hours, and the doctors initially believed he

would never come out of it. When Jacob finally regained conscious-

ness, he realized that he had to do something about his life.

Despite encouragement from his friends, Jacob had never sought

help for his alcohol problem; even though it had cost him his job

and his girlfriend, he always thought that he had it under control.

However, following the accident, he knew he could not put off treat-

ment any longer. Only hours after being released from the hospital,

Jacob attended his first AA meeting.

Jacob has been sober ever since the accident, and tonight he is

going on his first date since his girlfriend left him. It was not an

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easy decision for Jacob to ask Alice out; he recalls very well that

whenever a problem arose in his last relationship, he would turn to

alcohol as a solution. Of course, this is only his first date with Alice,

but he senses a strong bond between them and believes that this date

will evolve into something more substantial.

Jacob also knows, however, that no matter how well things

might go for him and Alice, he will still have to face many of the

same problems that drove him to alcohol in the past. Nevertheless,

Jacob is confident that things will be different this time. He be-

lieves that his failed relationships and his near-fatal car accident

have given him a new perspective on alcohol that will prevent him

from his ever using it again as a solution to his problems. He also

feels the advice he received in the AA meetings will help keep

him from abusing alcohol when the desire to do so arises. Finally,

he believes that Alice, too, will help him recover from his past

problems. She seems both compassionate and considerate-the type

of person who not only will be understanding of his predicament,

but also will be able to help him through the tough periods that

he most likely will have to face.

Jacob takes Alice to a small Italian restaurant that was strongly

recommended to him by a friend. Neither Jacob nor his friend took

into consideration the fact that, for many people, it is customary to

have a bottle of wine for dinner at an Italian restaurant. As a result,

when Alice asks Jacob for his wine preference, he does not know

how to respond. He had intended on waiting awhile before bringing

up his history with alcohol, but he now realizes that he must tell

Alice about it right away.

After listening to his story, Alice tells Jacob that she appreciates

his honesty and that she is still willing to see him, despite his past.

Jacob is quite relieved, and he assures her that he knows starting up

a new relationship will be difficult for him, and he will do his best

to confront all of the challenges it presents without resorting to al-

cohol. Jacob speaks with a conviction that he is not sure he truly has.

Ironically, the tension of talking about his awful past experiences

with alcohol makes him want it once again. For Jacob, it's one day

at a time.

Leslie and Barry

Leslie believes that she is ready to put her troubled past behind

her. She is only twenty-one, yet she has suffered enough for an entire

lifetime. When she was a child, her father physically and sexually

abused her, causing her to run away from home when she was just

fifteen years old. She hitchhiked across the country until her food

money ran out.

Leslie looked for work, but there was not much demand for an

unskilled high-school dropout. A,s is often the case in this type of

situation, Leslie came into contact with the wrong crowd, in the form

of Billy, a smooth-talking local. After some alluring promises and

misguided information, Leslie found herself working in a seedy strip

joint. She was ashamed and disgusted by what she was doing, but

she realized that she had to do something to earn money for food

and shelter. To make matters worse, her obvious anxiety and inse-

curity made it difficult for her to perform at the club. In order to

make it easier for her, Billy gave her some amphetamines to elimi- nate her inhibitions. After a few months, even though she no longer

needed the amphetamines to perform, she had become addicted to

them. This drug addiction, along with the abusive relationship that

she had unwillingly formed with Billy, made Leslie's life all but

unbearable.

Almost unbelievably, Leslie survived this lifestyle for six years,

and after saving enough money behind Billy's back, she managed to

get out of the city in which life had been sheer torture for her. She

took a bus across the country and almost immediately began working

as a waitress. Anne, a coworker, told Leslie that Leslie could stay at

her place until she found a place of her own.

While living at Anne's, Leslie was introduced to Anne's brother,

Barry, and immediately they fell for each other. Leslie knew that she

would have to tell Barry about her past, and she did so the first time

she had an opportunity. Surprisingly, he took it very well and wanted to go out with her anyway. In fact, he was quite impressed with her perseverance and her willingness to start a relationship, considering

all that she had been through. He understood, however, that this

troubled past would make it very difficult for her to become intimate

with anyone. Moreover, he knew that because of her prior addiction,

Leslie might very well turn to drugs if she were to fall upon hard

times. Barry also realized that he might merely be a transitional

figure for Leslie. For the first time in her life she was living peace-

fully, and it was possible that she needed him simply to help her get

her bearings straight before moving on. Despite all of these potential

problems, however, Barry was optimistic that things would go well.

Leslie and Barry have now been seeing each other for several

months, and Barry appears to have been correct in his optimistic

prediction. Anne often jokes with Leslie about some of Barry's idi-

osyncrasies, such as his odd sleeping position, which would be worthy

of an acrobat. Leslie just shakes her head, explaining that, after what

she has had to deal with in the past, almost anything is tolerable,

especially a harmless habit. She adds that Barry has been instrumen-

tal in her recovery.

In recent months, Leslie has had many horrifying nightmares and

flashbacks from her past, and Barry has always come to her side and

comforted her in these situations. Without him, Leslie believes that

she might have resorted to drugs to get through these tough periods.

In addition to this support, Barry has been considerate of the fact

that this is Leslie's first truly intimate relationship, and he has agreed

to take things very slowly with it. Leslie isn't sure whether the relationship with Barry will last. The

whole thing seems almost too good to be true. But right now, Leslie

needs Barry more, she feels, than anything, and she is glad to have

him with her.

Modes of Thought and Behavior

The recovery story is a risky one for both partners. The charac-

teristic mode of thinking for the person in recovery is that he or she has survived something-drugs, alcohol, disastrous relationships,

trauma of some kind-and is ready to move on. But this desire for

recovery can hide some difficulties. One potential problem is that sometimes the person wants to re-

cover but may not actually succeed. He or she wants to stop using

alcohol, but doesn't have the courage to do so; or the person wants

to stop drug use but isn't really quite ready to go through the pain

of stopping. The person who chooses a role as codependent is often

someone who believes that he or she can pull the other person out

of the pits. But as in the case of any addiction, only the addicted

person can decide to end the addiction. The codependent is thus

liable to get sucked into an unending recovery story that never ac-

tually leads t;o any real recovery, but only to an imagined process of recovery.

A second risk in such relationships is that the recovery will be

extremely painful for both parties and tear the relationship apart.

People coming out of awful relationships, or out of drug or alcohol

dependencies, are often not at their best. A relationship with someone

that might work at another time might not work when the person is going through recovery.

A third risk-mentioned earlier-is that if the person does ac-

tually recover, the role of the codependent will no longer make sense.

The person may not be able to shift roles or may enjoy only the

codependent role. Alternatively, the person who has made it through

recovery may not wish to be with the codependent anymore, finding

him or her irrelevant or a reminder of a painful past.

The fourth and perhaps greatest risk is that the relationship will

be built on a foundation of illness rather than health. If recovery

becomes the central focus of the relationship, the previous addiction

may represent the foundation of the relationship, rather than an un-

pleasant stage of life that someone needs to put behind him or her.

Complementary Roles: Recoverer and Codependent

The most typical roles in the recovery story are the individual who is recovering and the codependent, whose role it is to help the

individual to recover. It is important to realize that both partners

can be dependent on each other, not just the recovering individual

on the codependent. The codependent may equally need to feel that

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he or she is helping the person in recovery, just as the person in

recovery needs to feel that he or she is being helped.

Another pairing of roles in a recovery story is one of two people

who are recovering together, with each serving simultaneously as

persons undergoing recovery and as codependents for each other.

Both may be recovering from bad relationships, from drugs, or what-

ever. Such relationships are especially challenging, because both in-

dividuals are at such vulnerable points in their lives and typically are

so needy that they cannot fully serve as codependents for each other.

These relationships are likely to be at risk unless the individuals, at

the time they meet, are quite far along in the recovery process. In

this case, they can feel that they have something in common that few

other people share, and this feeling of sharing can give them a special

bond that many others do not enjoy.

Advantages and Disadvantages

The main advantage to a recovery story is that the codependent

may really help the other partner to recover, so long as the other

partner has genuinely made the decision to recover. Many of us know

individuals who sought to reform their partners, only to experience

total frustration when their partners made litde or no effort to re-

form. At the saine time, the codependent is someone who needs to

feel he or she is helping someone, and gains this feeling of making

a difference to someone through the relationship.

The main disadvantages in recovery relationships are the risk fac-

tors alrea$dy described. Ultimately, others can assist in recovery, but

the decision to recover, and the pain that recovery entails, must be

borne by the person in need of recovery. As a result, recovery stories

can assist in, but not produce, recovery in an individual.

~THE RELIGION STORY

Here I refer to two kinds of religion stories. However, the two

kinds can also be viewed as two different stories.