Marital Intimacy and Finances _disc7

Wright, N. (1992). The Premarital Counseling Handbook. Chicago, IL: Moody.

CHAPTER 8 Sessions One and Two

The first session is about to begin. The couple has arrived at the church for their first premarital interview. Prior to this session they have completed the Taylor-Johnson Temperament Analysis® and PREPARE II. They have also answered individually several ques ons that will be covered in this par cular session. The ques ons were given or mailed to them along with the PREPARE, the Family History Analysis, and the Taylor-Johnson test. A er the couple arrives, it is important to spend me ge ng acquainted. Some of the couples will be people you have known for years, others will be strangers. Share informa on about yourself such as your background, family, hobbies, schools, and some of your interes ng experiences in marriage.

QUESTIONS FOR SESSIONS ONE AND TWO Here is the overall outline for sessions one and two. It is difficult to say how much is covered in each session since it varies with each couple. O en it takes three sessions to cover this material, and usually I take a total of seven to eight sessions with each couple. Our task is not to mechanically cover material but to do a quality job of applica on with each couple. Generally, the counselor can use the first eight ques ons to promote discussion in session one; the final eight may be presented in session two (and perhaps session three).

1.What are your expecta ons for premarital counseling? 2. What would you like to see accomplished during premarital counseling? 3. If I were to ask you to describe your fiance what would you say? 4. Describe your personal rela onship with Jesus Christ. 5. If you had one passage from God’s Word that you would like your fiance to incorporate into his/her life, what would it be? (This can be answered the following week if they need

me to select these passages.) 6. Describe your courtship—length, type. In what way will your courtship contribute to your marriage? Is there anything from your courtship that you would like to change a er you’re married? 7. (To one) What convinced you that you loved this person? (To the other) Please describe the love that you have. 8. What is the extent of your sexual expression?

9. Give twelve reasons you want to marry the other person and twelve indica ons as to why this is the me of your life to marry. 10. Family background—family posi on. Who makes decisions in your family? Who owns what territory? How is your fiance similar to your father or mother? How do you see your fiance ge ng along with your father and mother? (Ques ons 9–12 are incorporated into the discussion of the Family History Analysis.) 11. Is there any way in which there is s ll a dependency or something unresolved between you and your parents? 12. What is there about your parents’ marriage that you want or don’t want? 13. Is there anything about yourself or your past that you think might seriously affect your marriage? Was there alcohol or substance abuse in your family, lack of affirma on, or emo onal, sexual, or physical abuse? 14. In light of what is happening to marriages today, why will yours be different? 15. Which of you handles disappointments the best? Describe what you have experienced and how you have handled these. 16. What are your fears and concerns about marriage? (This might be asked in the ini al session. It’s important to ask this ques on in each session un l you receive a response.) What Are Your Expecta ons? I o en begin my ini al session of premarital counseling by asking each person, “What are your expecta ons for our me together? What would you like to see accomplished?” Some have clear-cut goals and needs, whereas others are vague in their response. I take this opportunity to tell them one of my goals: to assist them in having the quality marriage they are hoping for by helping them eliminate as many surprises as possible following the wedding. Over the years me and me again I have seen how the unexpected tends to discourage and disillusion people and eventually causes them to ques on whether they loved their partner to begin with. A primary purpose of premarital counseling is to help both individuals determine if marriage to each other is the best choice. One of the basic ground rules of the premarital counseling is stated to the couple in the beginning: there is nothing that cannot be discussed in these sessions. The couple should not hesitate to ask the counselor any ques ons they have, and the counselor will take the same privilege of asking them anything he thinks is necessary. In addi on, the counselor must remind the couple of the agreement that they complete their outside assignments if the counseling is to con nue.

Ask the couple what they think marriage is. Do they have a defini on of marriage? At this point you can share several defini ons of marriage with them, perhaps your own and others that have been formulated. Many defini ons could be explained at this point; some mes they are incorporated into the wedding itself. One was wri en by David Augsburger: Is marriage a private ac on of two persons in love, or a public act of two pledging a contract? Neither, it is something other. Very much other! Basically, the Chris an view of marriage is not that it is primarily or essen ally a binding legal and social contract. The Chris an understands marriage as a covenant made under God and in the presence of fellow members of the Chris an Family. Such a pledge endures, not because of the force of law or the fear of its sanc ons, but because an uncondi onal covenant has been made. A covenant more solemn, more binding, more permanent than any legal contract.1 David Hubbard, president of Fuller Theological Seminary, has presented another interes ng defini on of marriage: Marriage does not demand perfec on. But it must be given priority It is an ins tu on for sinners. No one else need apply. But it finds its finest glory when sinners see it as God’s way of leading us through His ul mate curriculum of love and righteousness.2 Years ago I found this thought provoking statement reflec ng what a marriage needs: —No marriage is perfect. —Marriage is a daily crea on, not a packaged product. —Marriage is like a child who needs to be picked up and hugged, and given personal a en on…. You may want to ask them how they will “hug” their marriage. I have been formula ng one defini on for several years, and I concentrate on that defini on with the couple. It is given here, followed by an amplifica on that I share in counseling and in classes with married couples. This defini on suggests the personal dimension every counselor can bring to the session. A Chris an marriage is a total commitment of two people to the person of Jesus Christ and to one another. It is a commitment in which there is no holding back of anything. Marriage is a pledge of mutual fidelity; it is a partnership of mutual subordina on. A Chris an marriage is similar to a solvent, a freeing up of the man and woman to be themselves and become all that God intends for them to become. Marriage is the refining process that God will use to have us develop into the man or woman He wants us to become.

Have you ever thought of your marriage as a refining process? That God is going to allow certain events to happen in your life that will cause you to grow and develop into the man or woman He wants you to become? What would happen if you were to have that a tude toward the events that occur within your marriage—that those events are something that God can use to cause you to grow deeper together and to cause each to grow more as an individual? Each of you has had different experiences. In every marriage it will be different. We’ve had a unique situa on in our rela onship. We had two children, a daughter who is now thirty and a son who died at twenty-two years of age. He was a brain-damaged, mentally retarded child, and was about eighteen months old mentally. He probably would have never reached a mental age of more than two or three years old. When Ma hew was first born we didn’t know this. At about eight months of age, he began having seizures. We took him to the UCLA Medical Center where the diagnosis was made. The name “Ma hew” means “God’s gi ,” or “gi from God.” Ma hew is God’s gi to us. We have experienced mes of pain, disappointment, and heartache, but we’ve experienced other mes of joy and delight. I can remember when we prayed for Ma hew to walk. All of us in our family prayed for about three and a half years. And one day when we were together, he stood up and took about five steps. I said something like, “Isn’t it wonderful?” Joyce said something like, “Isn’t that great?” Then our nine-year-old daughter said, “Let’s stop right now and thank God for answering our prayer.” It is interes ng how our children will teach us and will cause us to give thanks to the proper person. We learned so much about life through Ma hew, even in his death. You consider some of the events that may occur in your life and you wonder, “How in the world am I going to handle them when I don’t even know what’s going to happen?” But God gives us the resources to handle whatever happens; He does this in His wonderful and marvelous way, even when we’re not aware of it. God can be preparing us for some of those situa ons that are going to hit us. Before Ma hew was born and I was in seminary, I had to write a thesis. I didn’t know what to write about. When I went in, the professor said to me, “Nobody’s wri en a thesis on the Chris an educa on of the mentally retarded child. You write it.” So I did. I read books, studied, went to schools, and observed Sunday school classes for these children. I learned a lot about them. Then I wrote the thesis. My wife typed the thesis the first me, a second me, and finally a third me, and she learned about retarded children as well. A er it was finally turned in and accepted, I went to work at my church while I was working on a psychology degree. I had to do an internship in the public school district for the school psychologist creden al. I was assigned to test and re- test mentally retarded children. At my church I was given the responsibility of training teachers to teach mentally retarded children within the church and so I had to develop a program.

One night two years before Ma hew was born, Joyce and I were talking; we said, “Isn’t it interes ng all the experience we’ve had with retarded children? Could it be that God is preparing us for something that is going to occur later in our life?” That is all we said. Two years later Ma hew came into our lives. We saw how God prepared us. When an event occurs in your life that some would call a tragedy, can you look back and see how God has been preparing you for that, or how He’s going to give you the extra strength, wisdom, and pa ence right at the right me for you to handle it? Marriage is a refining process. An adequate concept of what marriage is about is the first founda on of marriage prepara on. There are occasions when I ask the couple for their defini ons, but I do not share my own with them at this point. Describe Your Fiance The next ques on I ask is, “If you were to describe your fiance, what would you say?” I am interested in knowing if their percep on of their fiance is accurate. Some couples have not yet iden fied the personality traits and character quali es or defects. Individuals should share their answer to this ques on facing their fiance, so the counselor can note the level of comfort the couple has a ained in discussing issues face to face. Describe Your Spiritual Life An important area to discuss is the couple’s Chris an beliefs. (Some pastors choose to have an extra preliminary interview for this purpose.) I do not ask the ques on, “Are you a Chris an?” It is too easy to respond affirma vely, which terminates the conversa on. You will learn more by phrasing the ques on differently. For example, the pastor might ask one of them, “Just tell me a li le bit about your own personal spiritual growth and what you believe about the Person of Jesus Christ and God.” Then sit back and let the person talk. The majority of the couples that you and I see are born-again believers. But there can be differences between born-again believers. One might be a very strong, growing, maturing Chris an. The other may have been a Chris an for ten years but has never really developed any depth in Bible study and prayer, nor become par cularly involved in the church. If those differences are sensed now, you can begin to work with the couple and help them develop some spiritual growth. That is especially important if the young woman is the one who is very strong as a believer and the man, who is supposed to be the spiritual leader within the marriage rela onship, is weak at this me. On occasion you will deal with a couple where one is a Chris an and the other flatly declares, “No, I’m not a Chris an. I do not believe.” What do you say at that par cular me? If I am counseling such a couple and one partner has shared with me the fact that he or she is not a Chris an, I thank him or her for his honesty. Then I take the opportunity to present

the gospel and talk about how important spiritual harmony is to a marriage rela onship. The unbeliever may then say, “Well, I am really not interested,” and that will close the conversa on, at least for that par cular me. Later on you may have another opportunity to speak of spiritual things. Do you con nue with the premarital counseling when one person remains an unbeliever, or do you stop it? I think it is best to go ahead with the counseling and explain again that you reserve the right to decide whether or not you will perform the wedding ceremony un l later in the sessions. You can also take the opportunity to explain the teaching of Scripture regarding the marriage of a believer to an unbeliever. The believer may be aware of it and could already have some conflicts over it. Or perhaps he or she is not aware of it. You can point out that the Scripture teaches that a couple is not to be unequally yoked together. You might experience some different reac ons at that point: the Chris an could be angry or hos le, or he or she might be very agreeable to con nuing the premarital counseling. Pastors who have followed this procedure say they have had varied experiences. A number of the couples have agreed to con nue the premarital counseling, realizing that without it the pastor would not agree to perform the ceremony. What happens when the non-Chris an responds and receives Christ as savior? Would that solve the difficulty? Would you feel like going ahead with the ceremony on the date the couple had planned? It might be best to talk to the couple about postponing the wedding date so that the new Chris an will have an opportunity to grow in his or her new Chris an life. That is important, especially when the new Chris an is the young man. A marriage rela onship in which the woman is spiritually stronger and more knowledgeable of Scripture can have problems unless she is very sensi ve about her role. You will have many different experiences here. When a person has accepted the Lord, you could put him or her in contact with other Chris ans who are involved in Bible study and help them assist the new Chris an person in his or her growth. If the new Chris an is not concerned about developing his or her spiritual life, that should raise ques ons as to the genuineness of the decision. Here are some ques ons developed by one pastor to facilitate discussion about spiritual ma ers. You may want to make this into a form with blank lines provided for the couple to complete or simply ask them some of these ques ons. 1a. How can you be sure that your mate will always live according to God’s ways? What makes you so convinced that your future mate will not walk away from the Chris an faith and become a burden to you instead of a help? 1b. How can you be sure that you will always live according to God’s ways?

(Answer: You can’t, but based on one’s commitment pa erns; i.e., maturity level, their character traits, and their disciplinary measures of personal devo on to God and His Word, one can perceive his or her own seriousness and that of others. Prayer sees that seriousness takes root into determina on and ul mately culmina on.) 2. Do you have regular private devo ons now? How o en and to what extent? 3. Do you know if your fiance has regular private devo ons? How o en and to what extent? 4. Do you both pray together much now? Aloud? 5. Do you both read/study God’s Word together now? 6. What do you like most about your future mate’s spiritual life? 7. Have you had any major spiritual conflicts in your rela onship so far? Give Scripture Passage to Your Fiance Probably one of the strangest ques ons asked is: “If you could suggest one passage of Scripture that you would like to see your fiance incorporate into his or her life that would make him/her an even stronger and more mature person than he/she is now, which Scripture would it be?” About 50 percent of the couples need a week to process this ques on and come up with their selec ons. The purpose of asking it is to encourage each of them to look to the Word of God as a guide for asking their partner to make changes in his/her life. Couples do desire their partner to change, and perhaps it helps if we consider that change in light of the Scripture. Perhaps the change would help them to be stronger and more mature, or perhaps our reason for asking them to change is simply because of our own bias or because we are threatened by some of their differences. Another area to consider in the first session is the extent of their prepara on for marriage. You may ask, “What prepara on have you had for marriage? Have you been reading any books? If so, what books have you read? Have you taken any classes in church or in college, and did you take the classes separately or together?” It is necessary to find out what prepara on they have had, because some might have been good and some might have been poor. Describe Your Courtship Another topic is the da ng background of this couple: How long have they been going together, and what kind of dates have they had?

For example, consider two different couples: One couple has been da ng for the past two- and-a-half years. They live in the same town. Their dates occur mostly on Friday and Saturday nights, and some mes on Sunday evenings. During the week they have very li le contact with one another. Quite o en when they go out on Friday or Saturday nights they go to a movie or some type of entertainment. Now and then they go to a party, but they really do not have much me to communicate with one another. On the other hand, the second couple may have been da ng for eight months, but during that period they have spent quite a few hours together each day. They have been thinking seriously about marriage. During the summer they worked together washing dishes in the kitchen of a Chris an camp, and they saw each other at mes when they were happy, when they felt sad, and when they were in bad moods. All of that contributed to a good rela onship. As you look at the two couples, you might think, “Well, there’s a couple who has gone together for over two years. They might have a be er rela onship.” That is not necessarily true. The couple who spent more varied and realis c me together, even though the me was shorter, could have a be er adjustment. The couple to be counseled should be asked what they have done on their dates, where they have gone, whether they have included other friends, or if they have just gone places alone. It is also important that each individual has become acquainted with the other’s parents. In fact, young couples who are seriously da ng should be encouraged to spend me in the evenings in their partner’s parents’ homes. On some occasions I have met couples whose families have go en together on vaca ons and all spent a week together in the mountains. This has contributed to a healthy rela onship. Realis c da ng is essen al. An addi onal ques on to ask at this point is, “In what way will the type of courtship you have had contribute to your marriage?” How Do You Know You Love Her/Him? As stated earlier, the next ques on to ask one of the partners is, “What convinced you that you loved this person?” Ask the other person to describe the love that he/she has for the other person. I listen to what they say and then respond. I always listen closely to the couple’s defini on of love. There are two defini ons that I like to suggest to them. One is this: “A person is in love with another individual when mee ng the emo onal needs of that person becomes an emo onal need of his or her own life.” We discuss and explore that statement to discover what it means in prac cal daily life. Another defini on is: “Real love means an uncondi onal commitment to an imperfect person.” That is the love that one needs to have for the person one marries. It is also an

illustra on of the kind of love that God has toward humanity. His is an uncondi onal commitment, and all of us are imperfect. If each person realizes that the future mate is imperfect and accepts him or her that way, there is hope! One young couple I counseled had an interes ng experience. The young woman was delighted about it. She was so happy and jubilant when I saw her that I had to ask, “What are you so happy about?” About three days before, she said, they had been out in the evening and her fiance was miserable. She said he was stubborn, obs nate, and out-of- sorts. He was really a rat, and yet, in spite of all that, she had the firm convic on that she really loved him. She said, “That was so affirming to me to realize that even at the mes when he might be very disagreeable and I might not really like everything he was doing, I’d s ll have this convic on of love.” An important biblical passage to discuss is 1 Corinthians 13. I read it and talk about the ideas it contains, using the Amplified New Testament. I also men on the need for self-esteem. I discuss with the couple that in order to really love another person you must love yourself first—you must have a good feeling about yourself. That concept may come up again in connec on with the couple’s T-JTA scores. Several other defini ons of love may be men oned at that point. One is, “Love is a learned emo onal reac on … One does not fall in or out of love; one grows in love.”3 Another is “Love is not a commodity that can be bartered for, or bought or sold; nor can it be forced upon or from someone. It can only voluntarily be given away.”4 Erich Fromm gave an extended defini on: Love means to commit oneself without guarantee, to give oneself completely in the hope that our love will produce love in the loved person. Love is an act of faith, and whoever is of li le faith is also of li le love. The perfect love would be one that gives all and expects nothing. It would, of course, be willing and delighted to take anything it was offered, the be er. But it would ask for nothing, it can never be deceived or disappointed. It is only when love demands that it brings on pain.5 That statement sounds very basic and simple, but it is difficult to prac ce. Having the couple read the chapter on love in Mike Mason’s book, The Mystery of Marriage, can be an enlightening experience. The Ques on of Sex The next area that is discussed can be delicate. The counselor should be concerned about the extent of the couple’s sexual involvement and the a tude they have toward this important aspect of their rela onship. This topic may be introduced by asking each of them about the sexual informa on that has been given to them over the years: “Who prepared you in terms of your understanding about sex? Who talked with you? What books have you read?”

One of the ques ons I ask that quite o en brings silence is, “When a couple is looking forward to marriage they desire to express their affec on in some physical manner. To what extent have you had the opportunity to express your affec on to one another?” I have experienced various responses to that ques on ranging from “Why do you want to know?” to long silences, guilty looks, or posi ve statements that “We kiss and hold each other a lot and really enjoy our me together.” One couple confided that they allowed themselves ten minutes of kissing, holding, and hugging and then stopped, since during that

me span they could control themselves. They said a er that they seemed to run into difficulty If I do not get any response from the couple at that par cular me, then I might go a li le more into detail by explaining that when a couple is in love they have certain feelings toward each other and they like to express those feelings sexually. Now I may get con nued silence from a couple. Or I might get a response that says, “Well, I do not think I understand what you mean.” Most of the me a couple does understand what is meant. No ma er what they say, I respond with, “How do you feel about that level of involvement?” These ques ons are not an a empt to pry and probe into a very personal area of their life. I am not trying to be voyeuris c in any way, but I am concerned about the extent of the physical rela onship for a very sound reason. If the couple has built their rela onship upon a physical basis only, they are asking for difficul es later in the marriage. And if they have gone too far, or further than their standards permit, they might have feelings of guilt, fear, resentment, or even hos lity. In counseling it is important to provide the atmosphere and the opportunity to explore the physical rela onship. From me to me the couple sits there, and then one of them might volunteer: “Well, I think we’ve gone a li le further than we really wanted.” And then I can say, “Well, could you be more specific for me? Are you saying that you were involved in light pe ng or heavy pe ng, or have you been sleeping with each other?” The a tude depends upon the couple. Some couples feel bothered, upset, and guilty if they have been involved in pe ng. Other couples are bothered only when they have been going to bed together. I explore further by asking, “Can you tell me some of the feelings that you’ve had about the extent of your physical rela onship?” Are you sa sfied with it? Have there been problems? What a tudes do you have?” If they have been engaging in sexual rela ons, I simply share with them part of my beliefs. I tell them that I believe it is very important at that par cular

me for them to stop having complete sexual rela ons for two basic reasons. One reason is to find out if their rela onship is built on something other that just the physical; refraining from intercourse will really help them to make that decision. The second major reason for asking them to stop having sexual rela ons is based on Scripture. The New Testament teaches that we are not to engage in premarital rela ons. The Scripture calls that fornica on. Scriptural teaching should be discussed thoroughly with the

couple. An excellent resource to use is In mate Decep on, by P. Roger Hillerstrom (Multnomah). So far I have not encountered a couple who have refused to follow this guideline, though from me to me you might run into one. The pastor of a large church in Southern California follows this par cular principle. On many occasions, directly from the pulpit, he has stated this principle that he holds for premarital counseling. He also states that if a couple is not willing to refrain from premarital intercourse, he will not agree to con nue the counseling nor to perform the ceremony. That is basically my feeling, too. If a couple will not follow that guideline, then the counseling ought to stop. It is very important for a couple to go into marriage with the proper a tudes and proper behavior. If they have been involved in premarital intercourse, there should be a discussion of their feelings. There should be confession of sin to one another and to God and a me of forgiveness and prayer. In some cases the man and woman should agree on a covenant that will help them maintain a proper sexual standard. Here is a covenant one man made with his fiance: I vow to you, to endure to treat you as my friend in the Lord, because I know you desire that my affec ons for you be channeled toward your personality. I will put all conscious effort into assuring that my affec ons for you are directed toward you as a person, not simply toward your body. What I have wri en down here is an outline of definite ac ons to be taken, and definite situa ons for us to avoid in order to honor this vow. 1. Pray concerning this one specific area for 5 to 10 minutes a day during our prayer mes. 2. Spending 15 minutes a day when we are together sharing with each other what the best part of our day was. 3. The next me we are together, we will both bow before the Lord and spread out this pe on before Him. 4. Judging from the past, what we shall not do is to find ourselves in any room with the doors closed especially a er your parents have gone to bed. 5. In those mes when we will hug and kiss, then I will take the responsibility to no ce when we need to separate ourselves, probably spa ally. This will be interpreted not as rejec on, but as necessity for the growth of the rela onship. 6. You can an cipate that I will channel some of my strong urges into wri ng, because I know you like this.

7. While driving to Hemet there will be no touching above the knees, nor below the shoulders. One area that must be considered as one talks about sex is whether the young woman is pregnant. If she is pregnant, then various alterna ves must be considered. Marriage might not be the best one. If pregnancy is the main mo va on for marriage, it is not sufficient. If the couple is mature, deeply commi ed to one another, and willing to wait to complete the counseling, and if they realize the adjustments that will be necessary, then marriage could occur. Many couples, however, feel pressured to marry by parents, friends, their own guilt, and even the church. Other alterna ves would be not marrying and either giving the child up for adop on, or, in some cases, keeping the child. The number of abor ons each year is increasing steadily; there are many different views regarding that procedure. Pastors differ greatly in their a tudes. My own personal stance is that abor on is not an alterna ve; if the subject arises, I advise against it.

ADDITIONAL QUESTIONS Depending on the depth of the disclosure, the couple’s interac on, and, of course, the nature of their answers, the counselor may present the following ques ons in session two. Why Marry This Person—Now? I ask the couple to share their lists of the indica ons for marriage and their reasons for marrying the other person. The couple is asked to sit face-to-face as one shares his list of indica ons with his fiance. The lists are to be read in the first person. A er that, the partner responds with her list. Then each gives his or her reasons as to why this is the me in life to marry in the same first-person manner. Here is a list of one person’s indica ons. (All names in this chapter have been changed to protect the individuals’ privacy.) “Eight Indica ons As To Why This Is The Time Of My Life To Marry” 1. I now have enough experience living alone to know that I prefer not to. 2. I now know that I am able to financially support a wife. 3. However, I expect to be much more secure financially in the rela vely near future, and I want to get married before then because I think it can be beneficial to a good rela onship to share some minor economic depriva ons in the beginning. 4. I may be making my final career decision in the near future, and I would like my wife to be able to share in that decision.

5. I want to leave the Riverside area as soon as is prac cal, and I want to be able to take Mitzi with me. 6. If I am going to have children, I don’t want to wait much longer to start having them. 7. I want to go to Europe with my wife while we are both s ll young enough to enjoy doing it on a very limited budget. 8. But mainly, having made the major decision that ge ng married will greatly improve my life, I am just naturally eager to start enjoying that improved life-style as soon as possible. Here is a twenty-eight-year-old man’s list:

“Twelve Reasons Why I Want To Marry Jean” 1. Jean loves the Lord, her God, with all her heart and soul. 2. She is far and away my best friend … who be er to commit for life to than your best friend? Best friends have fun together. 3. She is a fun-loving person who enjoys the simple and sophis cated life styles … yet is not caught up in the “World Lifestyle Ordeal.” 4. Jean is a wonderful person who treats all people with respect. She understands the meaning of “honor.” 5. She will be an energe c mother who will love and nurture her kids. 6. Jean is very level-headed … which makes her extremely fun to be with. 7. She is ready to go out and conquer life with energy and enthusiasm. She looks at and sees problems and tests in life as a God-ordained circumstance and as a me to show her faith in our Lord. 8. She is sensi ve and secure … wise but not cocky, friendly, yet not overbearing. 9. I think Jean is very a rac ve … she has a well-kept figure and outside beauty. 10. She has a deep inner beauty in which she manifests the fruits of the Spirit. 11. Jean is secure in our rela onship. She is commi ed to making our rela onship not only work, but something special. We both have high expecta ons and plan to have high goals.

12. Jean is not afraid to learn and change. 13. She even loves me. I know it, I feel it, I like it, I want it, and I want to love her and protect her. Look for a balance as the individuals read their reasons for wan ng to marry each other. Occasionally somebody will give reasons like these: I want to marry him because he fulfills all my needs, he takes care of me, he does this for me, he does that for me. The reasons focus on “what the other person can do for me,” without the balance of “what I can do for the other person.” When a counselor encounters that kind of situa on, he should confront the person with what he or she has said. I remember an occasion when a young lady was listening to her fiance’s reasons for marrying her. The more he read the angrier she became, and before he completed the reasons, she broke in and said, “The reason you want to marry me is for me to do everything for you! What are you going to do for me? Don’t you really love me?” The rest of the session was spent talking about the reasons and mo va ons for their marriage. We were able to se le some of the differences right then and there. We should be just as concerned, however, when we see an individual giving reasons that indicate that he is going to do everything for the other person. Can that individual accept love? Can he accept the other person’s doing something for him? There has to be a balance. When couples write their reasons for marriage and for marrying this partner, they o en are able to clarify and even discover the specific reasons for marriage. In most instances it is a deligh ul experience to observe the nonverbal responses in those who are hearing the indica ons and reasons for the very first me. I have seen several respond with silence and/or tears of delight. The “face-to-face” sea ng arrangement is important. I tell the couple that too o en married couples fail to communicate face-to-face in that manner. They learn to communicate on the run or doing two or three things at the same me. It is vital for in macy development that couples spend me in uninterrupted face-to-face communica on. Ques ons About Family Background At this me you are probably into your second session and much of this will focus on the Family History Analysis. The Counselor’s Guide will provide you with instruc ons for its use, but here are some prac cal illustra ons and examples. O en I use the ques on, “How would you like feelings of love, warmth, and tenderness shown to you in public and in your home?” Part of the problem you are looking for is the fact that when people come out of their own homes they might carry with them some of the behavior that was detrimental in that home.

They also might have certain expecta ons. For example, a person might come into marriage with the expecta on that his or her mate will be like a parent whom he or she admired. Or, one partner may have the expecta on that the mate will not be like a parent with whom this individual had a number of differences. One may believe that the lifestyle in the new home will be the same as in the parental home; another may wish it to be radically different. For instance, consider Bob. His mother died in childbirth. He had no brothers or sisters. He was reared solely by his father and had no contact with women in his home as he was growing up. His father was lower middle class. They moved every year or two. Bob went to many different schools, lived in ci es all over the na on, and had no se led roots. Bob did not date very much. When he was in high school he dated a girl only once or twice. Later at college he spent a lot of me studying as well as working very hard at a job. When he was twenty-three, he met a young woman named Janet; they fell in love and decided to be married. Janet came from an upper middle-class home. The family had lived in the same loca on for the past fi een years. Janet had two brothers and three sisters and the family was very stable. They did many things together and were a very close-knit group. The grandparents lived nearby, and there were aunts and uncles in the same town. Janet never lacked much of anything. She had money when she needed it, and the parents took a great deal of interest in all their children. Here was a couple with great differences in their backgrounds. Premarital counseling was vital for them. There were some major differences that needed to be explored, for the marriage could have suffered greatly because of those differences. The young man had very li le contact with females. He did not know what it is like to live in a home with women around. Since he did not have a mother or any sisters and did not date much, a er marriage he could have been in for a real cultural shock. He had not had much experience in sharing a home with other individuals. What happens when he is married? In the morning he walks into the bathroom and discovers pantyhose drying on the towel rack. He realizes that he is living with a person who is very different from himself. If he is quite frugal and she is accustomed to spending money freely, what conflicts will come about? An unfortunate factor in this situa on is that, at least from what we know, this young man did not have a good model of what a family should be like. Those are just a few of the areas of adjustment. The couple must be made aware of differences and must be asked to develop a plan and approach to solve these poten al problems. You will find some couples who have come out of poor backgrounds with tremendous hos li es, figh ng, and mul ple divorces within a home. Either the man or the woman

might have suffered sexual abuse as a young child, and as a result has some problems with his or her feelings and a tudes in the area of sex. You need to explore and talk with the couple about their backgrounds. Another helpful ques on is, “What is there about your parents’ marriage that you would like in your marriage, and what is there you would not want?” A er they disclose any trait or characteris c that they do not find desirable, ask, “How will you prevent this from occurring within your marriage? Your parents were models for you, and you have probably incorporated both posi ve and nega ve tendencies whether you wanted to or not. What can you do to make sure those traits do not occur in your marriage?” In a session with one couple, I no ced some informa on on the woman’s Family History Analysis that needed further clarifica on. Here is how the dialogue proceeded: NORM: You described how you felt about your father, and you said, “Good”—it seemed very, very strong. You are encouraged about his wisdom and how he loves the Lord. Ques on number five said, “Describe how you and your father communicate.” You said, “Usually it is through Mother when we communicate.” I am interested in knowing a bit more about that. SUE: Um, Dad’s usually gone—he’s a doctor—gone a lot. He’s usually communicated with pa ents all day long, so when he comes home he just wants to relax—not to talk much. So the things I want to know, I’ve usually asked on the run—when I come home, before I go out at night, or something I find out from Mom because she’s told Dad about what I am doing. The only me I really communicate with my father is for pleasure—you know, ge ng to know him personally. But otherwise, financial things or informa on about friends or family I usually get from my mom. NORM: What are your feelings about having to communicate through your mom to get to Dad? SUE: Well, I wish it wasn’t that way I wish Dad and I could go out to dinner some me alone, but that would have to come if I ini ated it, and I know he would feel uncomfortable. If it was something Mom ini ated for the two of us, he would feel a lot more comfortable. NORM:

What would happen if you would call your dad and say, “Dad, I would like to take you out to dinner on a date”? Sue laughs and giggles. NORM: I know he might feel uncomfortable, and you might, too. But I am wondering if that couldn’t turn into a very special evening. SUE: It could. I don’t want to assume how he would react, but I think he would say: “When is there me?” or, “What’s the special occasion?” NORM: Maybe you could say the special occasion is that “I would just like to go out to dinner with my father.” SUE: Uh huh. NORM: Why don’t we make some me? SUE: It’s worth a try (laughs). NORM: The reason I am pushing on this is because it sounds like there’s a li le bit of unfinished work, an unfinished rela onship there. There’s been a void, and I’ve become a bit concerned about that. When we have had some unfulfilled needs in our parental past, we usually transfer those onto the person we marry. Consciously or subconsciously, we think our mate will fill the need that was not filled in the past. So what we need to do is to bring that to a conclusion and build an even stronger rela onship so that you can say, “I did communicate with my dad. It was possible to get him to quit seeing so many pa ents and give me the a en on that I feel I needed and that I deserved.” SUE:

I feel content, though. Is it something subconscious? NORM: I hear the contentment, but I also hear sort of a wan ng, a desire, a wis ulness that says, “Gee, I wish that could have happened.” Now is the me to begin to resolve that before you move into a marriage rela onship. SUE: OK. NORM: That’s why I’m more concerned with your feelings rather than simply this is what Dad did. In a sense, I think you used Mom as a go-between or a buffer. As we look at your marriage coming up to Greg, you will not have your mother there to be the buffer. Greg is going to be talking to a number of people at work, and he is going to come home red and he might not want to communicate. What will you do when that happens? SUE: I don’t know. Another ques on that I have asked on occasion is: “What would you like your marriage to become and to reflect?” Some couples will need me to think about that, for it may be a totally new concept to them. In a way that ques on can lead them into thinking about goals for their marriage. The word reflect could refer back to their own personal, individual quali es or quali es within the rela onship. That could be an opportunity to share with them about the spiritual quali es their marriage could reflect.

MARITAL SATISFACTION Next, I usually ask the couple, “In light of all of the marriages today that are ending in divorce or are unhappy, why will yours be different?” A er a brief discussion I show the couple the following chart depic ng the level of marital sa sfac on over the family life cycle. This chart is the result of a number of research studies over the past fi een years.6

Many predictable changes occur as couples proceed through the various stages of the family life cycle. Some of those changes can cripple a marriage in the process. That happens because the couple neither an cipates nor plans for the events and changes that o en occur at each stage. O en a man builds his iden ty through his occupa on or profession. Many men pursue goals of making a good living and finding a good life, which prove to them they are adequate and of worth. (That typically male process is undergoing some change, however, as many women are now pursuing careers and professions.) Because their iden es are built in that manner, men devote their me and energy to their work. The marital rela onship o en takes a secondary posi on. When couples marry, the ming is such that most men are just at the point of establishing themselves in their line of work. Their main task at that me is establishing iden ty through their work. But at the onset of marriage a wife is seeking to build an in mate rela onship with her husband. That is where frustra on may occur. The struggle can be described as iden ty versus in macy. Underlying part of many wives’ strong emphasis upon in macy is their striving to build their own sense of iden ty. O en a wife builds an iden ty through her husband or family. (That

typically female process is undergoing some change, too, as many women are now being employed outside of the home and some marital roles are changing.) Many wives become discouraged a er a few years of marriage because the in mate rela onship with their husband does not develop as expected. In me a wife may turn her efforts for in macy toward the children. Perhaps that accounts for many mothers finding it so difficult to let go of the children when they are old enough to leave the nest. If that situa on con nues—the husband building iden ty through work and the wife building in macy and iden ty through the children—a crisis will occur eventually. Many husbands in their for es realize they have reached the end of the line for upward progress in their work. There is nowhere else to go, so their goals begin to change. They may now turn back to their wives with a desire to build in macy. They could be in for a shock, because many wives, a er the children leave home, begin to consider how their own iden es have developed. They may now decide either to complete their own educa on or to pursue a career. Their desire for an in mate rela onship with their husbands is not very intense a er so many years of no reciproca on on his part. The issue of the meaning of achievement and values in rela onships needs a en on during marital counseling because o en they are the underlying cause of the symptoma c problems married couples bring to counseling. I ask the couple to no ce the drop in marital sa sfac on on the chart during child-rearing years. Then I ask, “Why does the presence of children affect marital sa sfac on so much? Why does the level con nue to drop?” We then talk about the idea that the trend, or tendency, on the part of couples does not have to occur. What will they do so that does not happen to them in their marriage? Flexibility and adaptability are important on the part of the pastor or counselor conduc ng the premarital sessions. Each couple will vary in their abili es, needs, or problem areas, and the amount of me given to each topic will vary. With a few couples all of this material may be covered during the first session. With most, however, it will carry over into an addi onal session with the couple together, or you may extend the first session to an hour-and-a-half. O en it takes more than six sessions to complete the series.

FEARS AND CONCERNS An addi onal ques on to ask the couple is: “What fears do you have about marriage?” Reassure them that most people looking forward to marriage have certain fears, ques ons, and doubts; you want them to have the opportunity to talk about some of those. You might not get a response. The couple might say, “Well, we really have no fears. We’ve talked this over, and we really think we know all about it.” You may want to drop the ques on at that point. But later on, you probably will discover that they do have some fears. Do not pressure them when they are not ready to discuss their fears. Ask the ques on each session, and you will discover some.

Here is a list that a woman, twenty-two years old, shared in the third session of counseling. Needless to say, the en re direc on of our counseling changed a er these concerns were shared.

“My Fears and Anxie es Entering Marriage” 1. That we will be too busy to have quality me for each other. 2. I will not be able to keep him and my mother happy—she will have her feelings hurt. 3. His priority for working out and exercising will s ll be greater than mine. 4. We will not have devo ons or prayer together every day. 5. There will be mes when I will want to go into debt for a par cular item and he will not. 6. A er a few years of marriage I will not want to give in and will want to “have it out.” 7. I will want to concentrate on my career when he would rather begin having a family. 8. I’ll want to buy a new car—he’ll want to buy a used one. 9. That I will get pregnant before we plan! At the end of the first session I explain about the required books and tapes and help them develop a me schedule for the books. They purchase the books so that they will have them to keep, and the tapes are loaned to them.

BUILDING TIES TO FUTURE IN-LAWS At this me the prospec ve in-law forms are introduced. If both sets of parents are in favor of the marriage, I give one final assignment, not to the couple but to their parents. I have each person ask his or her parents to write a le er to me telling why they want this young man or woman to become their son- or daughter-in-law They are not to show this to their son or daughter but to mail it to me. During the last counseling session I read these le ers to the couple. This is an affirming me and greatly enhances total family rela onships. In addi on, each parent (both mother and father) receives a copy of the “Becoming an In- law” evalua on form (shown below), and they are asked to complete it and return it to the pastor. This will be given to the couple, and they will probably want to respond to their parents’ response. As you can see from the ques ons, the purpose of this ques onnaire is twofold: to build posi ve concern and communica on between the parents and future in- laws and to help eliminate poten al problems.

BECOMING AN IN-LAW—BUILDING POSITIVE RELATIONSHIPS

1. How would you describe your rela onship with your parents and in-laws during the early years of your marriage? Parents: ________________ In-laws: ________________ 2. Would you like your married children to approach you in the same way you approached your parents and in-laws? Why or why not? __________________________________ 3. What would you list as some major needs of your soon-to-be married son or daughter? Could those needs be best met (1) with your help, (2) by himself or herself, or (3) with the new marriage partner? ________________ 4. Are there some unique needs of your mate related to the leaving of your child? How might you help him or her in these areas? ________________ 5. What will be the greatest adjustment that you will have to make as your son or daughter leaves home? ________________ 6. If you could ask your son or daughter to pray for you as you make this transi on, how would you ask him/her to pray? ________________ 7. Will you expect the new couple to visit you o en? How do you define “o en”? How will you go about sugges ng they visit you? ________________ 8. When the newlyweds choose something that is not your choice, what do you think your response will be? (Can you think of an example?) ________________ 9. Do you expect the newly married couple to call before visi ng you and vice versa? Can there be spontaneous “drop-ins”? ________________ 10. What plans, secrets, and problems do you expect the new couple to share with you? If that does not happen, what do you think your reac on will be? ________________ 11. In what way do you think and speak of your son- or daughter-in-law as a posi ve addi on to your family? ________________ 12. In what way are you taking into considera on the feelings of the other family (parents- in-law) in making wedding plans? ________________ Scheduling holiday visits? ________________ Giving gi s? ________________ Seeing the grandchildren? ________________ 13. Please describe six expecta ons that you have for the couple a er they are married. ________________

14. Please take another piece of paper and together compose a le er describing in detail why you are looking forward to your son’s or daughter’s fiance becoming your son- or daughter-in-law. This should be addressed to that person. Please write at least three paragraphs. ________________ Here are three addi onal ques ons that I have been asking couples that elicit some though ul responses: 1. As you proceed through your marriage rela onship, what would be some of the worst problems that could occur that you definitely would not want to happen in your marriage? 2. I don’t know of any people who marry with the intent to divorce or abuse their partner, but this does happen in Chris an marriages. How will you make sure that your marriage never ends in divorce? What will you do to ensure the fact that neither of you will ever have an affair, that neither of you will physically abuse one another, or that incest would never occur in your family? 3. “What type of wake and sleep pa ern do you have?” Asking such a simple ques on can lead to an enjoyable discussion. A er you receive a puzzled look, proceed to explain the issue of contradictory wake/sleep pa erns.

MORNING AND EVENING PEOPLE Research studies have found that couples whose wake and sleep pa erns are mismatched (an evening person married to a morning person) reported significantly less marital adjustment, more marital conflict, less me spent in significant conversa on, less me spent in shared ac vi es, and less sexual ac vity than couples who were matched in their wake and sleep pa erns. This does not mean that only couples whose pa erns match should marry. It just means that couples with this pa ern will have to learn to be more flexible in the use of their me. The poten al for more conflict is evident for several reasons. The two people may experience efficiency and energy peaks at different mes during the day This can lead to frustra on and disagreements over when to go to bed, how much sleep each needs, laziness, and resentment because their partner is never around when they are at an energy peak. The amount of sleep each needs may vary because of basic psychological and metabolic differences.7 The alert morning person may feel that his/her partner is lazy, whereas some merely need more sleep; they are slower in coming alive and may be fully awake within two hours a er arising. My wife, Joyce, and I are like this. We have learned to accept these differences and not pressure the other to change. For one thing, it will never happen. But the early morning person will have to make a greater concession in that he or she will have to back off and not overwhelm the partner with too much input when the mate first arises. They just cannot handle it. This is one of those areas where it is best to back off in terms of ac vity, noise,

and intensity un l their partner comes alive. It is showing sensi vity to the needs of the other person. As you share informa on like this with your couples you may also want to remind them of the per nent Proverb: “If you shout a pleasant gree ng to a friend too early in the morning, he will count it as a curse” (27:14 TLB*). In addi on, you may ask these three ques ons to detect and remedy a poten al conflict: (1) What is your individual sleep/wake pa ern? (2) How will this affect your marital rela onship, especially if they are different? (3) What accommoda ons will you have to make in order for this not to be a marital problem? At the conclusion of the first session it is important to give the assignments for the remainder of the sessions from the Before You Say I Do workbook. (The pastor may choose to photocopy the assignments and other ques ons.) Some of the assignments from Before You Say I Do and So You’re Ge ng Married will be discussed during the sessions, and some will not. The counselor can base the decision upon the maturity of the couple and what he believes each couple needs to cover. Remember that each person is to have his/her own copy of the workbook. A FAMILY LOG One of the newest assignments that I now give is to have each person keep a daily log and a family year overview, no ng daily ac vi es and amount of me spent in each ac vity for a week and then compare. This is very detailed and includes a step-by-step view of a person’s day; the me they arise, whether they shower or eat first, work out, read the paper, have devo ons, whether they like to talk early in the morning or prefer quiet, and so on. Do they go to bed early, read in bed, shower at night? Do they like to eat the minute they get home, eat in quiet or in front of the TV, have quiet evenings or be on the go? You will find that most couples have never considered the significance of understanding and blending the daily ac vi es of their individual habits. The first year of marriage is important, yet also a me of major adjustment. By helping the couple to iden fy their dis nct characteris cs prior to the marriage, some conflicts are eliminated. I’ve seen conflicts in married couples because one wants it absolutely quiet and totally dark when they go to bed and the spouse wants a light on and the radio on low. And each behavior came as a surprise to the other. The counselor should ask each person to complete a family year overview, a lis ng of each family event and celebra on such as birthdays observed and in what way, holidays and how they are celebrated—large family gatherings or quiet observances, whether the Christmas tree is flocked or le green, whether gi s are opened Christmas Eve or in the morning, where the family has gone on vaca on, and the like. This overview includes which of these tradi ons will be brought into their own marriage and what new tradi ons they would like to establish for themselves. Again clarifying these in advance will lead to a smoother adjustment and help the couple to begin considering the blending process.8

MARRIED COUPLES AS COUNSELORS Churches are beginning to take advantage of the mature married couples in their church who have the capability to minister to those about to be married. As noted in chapter 2, lay counseling by couples can be very effec ve as an adjunct to professional counseling. Programs vary; one such program, called “Wedding Song,” gives the engaged couple and their married-couple counselors copies of the ques ons. The engaged couple will ask the married couple these ques ons during a ninety-minute interview, usually held at the married couple’s home. The open sharing and guidance from this selected couple has proved to be beneficial. The side benefit of this program is the growth that occurs in the couple selected to minister. For if they want to respond well to these ques ons, they find that it is necessary to respond to them ahead of me and begin growing together in areas that are lacking in their own rela onship. The interview covers six areas: biblical founda ons for marriage; communica on; the engagement, wedding and honeymoon; finances; sex; and a wrap-up. Here are the ques ons: The Biblical Founda on for Marriage 1. How has your rela onship with Christ affected your rela onship with each other? 2. As a married couple, how do you encourage each other’s spiritual life? 3. In Gala ans 5, the fruit of the Spirit is men oned. Which of these quali es have been most important to you in your marriage rela onship? 4. What has been the prac cal outworking of authority and submission in your rela onship (Ephesians 5:1ff)? 5. Do you believe divorce is an op on for Chris ans? How has your posi on on this issue strengthened the quality of your commitment to one another? Ques ons on Communica on 1. Was there a change in the quality of your communica on from your engagement period to your first year of marriage? 2. Were you as good communicators as you thought you were? 3. What are the most serious challenges to ongoing communica on? 4. What does your spouse do or say to encourage (or discourage) your desires to ac vely communicate? 5. How do you handle arguments and disagreements? Ques ons on Engagement, Wedding, and Honeymoon

1. What advice would you give us for the best use of our engagement me? 2. What did you two do that was most memorable at your wedding ceremony? 3. How did you resolve in-law differences of opinion? 4. Do you have any advice for us on planning a honeymoon? Ques ons on Finances 1. Have you consistently used a budget to control your finances? If not, what system do you use? 2. What are your convic ons about the wife’s being employed outside the home? 3. Who determines what you will buy and what you won’t buy? 4. How have your differences (i.e., background, sales-resistance, temperament, etc.) affected these decisions? 5. Do you have a shared convic on about giving to the Lord’s work? How was that decision arrived at? 6. What is the easiest way for a couple to get in debt over their heads? Ques ons on Sex 1. How did your individual backgrounds mesh to form your own sexual adjustment as a married couple? 2. Can you describe the differences between your percep on of marital sex before you were married and the reali es of marital sex a er you married? 3. How does sex fit into the whole concept of married life? 4. How do you keep romance alive in your rela onship? Wrap-up Ques ons 1. Is there anything that we have not covered that you feel would be valuable for us to know as we an cipate a Chris an marriage? NOTE: Why not spend a few moments together in prayer as you conclude your mee ng?

The ques ons act as a springboard for the discussion. Naturally, other ques ons arise during the interview that are prompted by the ones listed here. A number of churches have used forms such as these.9 In conduc ng your premarital sessions you need to have a direc on and a plan but also flexibility Each couple will be different, and your own sensibility as well as the leading of the Holy Spirit will guide you to the areas of emphasis with each couple.

NOTES 1. David Augsburger, Cherishable: Love and Marriage (Sco sdale, Pa.: Herald, 1971), p.16. 2. Chapel address by David Hubbard at Fuller Theological Seminary, n.d. 3. Leo Buscaglia, Love (Thorofare, N.J.: Slack, 1972), pp. 61–62. 4. Ibid., p. 63. 5. As quoted in Buscaglia, Love, p. 66. 6. The chart first appeared in So You’re Ge ng Married, by H. Norman Wright, copyright 1985, Regal Books, Ventura, CA 93003. Used by permission. 7. Jeffrey H. Larson and D. Russsell Crane, “Morning and Night Couples: The Effect of Wake and Sleep Pa erns on Marital Adjustment,” Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 17 (1991): 53–64. 8. A helpful book to explain differences in a posi ve manner is Type Talk, by O o Kroeger and Janet Thuesen. The focus of the book is the differences as indicated on the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. 9. For further informa on, contact the Wedding Song Premarital Program, First Evangelical Free Church of Fullerton, California. *The Living Bible.

CHAPTER 9 Sessions Three and Four: Using the Taylor-Johnson Temperament Analysis

The content of the third and fourth sessions in premarital counseling is listed together because it is difficult to know how much will be covered in the third session. O en we don’t begin this material un l the fourth session since the other material demands more me. Most of the me will be spent talking about the Taylor-Johnson Temperament Analysis.® As

you work with different couples you will find that with some you will need three sessions to cover all this material; with others you will be able to cover it very comfortably in two sessions.

USEFULNESS OF THE INSTRUMENT When the couple arrives for the third session they are usually very interested in looking at the Taylor-Johnson test. It’s important to remember that the T-JTA® measures a person’s inner responses about himself/herself at the me when the person answered the ques ons. But it also gives you a reflec on of the person’s inner thoughts and feelings for the past few weeks. It tends to measure the inner life of the person rather than behavior. How much a person has changed over the previous months has to be iden fied in your counseling session. Note that this tool is not designed to measure mental abnormali es in psychiatric terms. It does provide measures of temperament and personality pa erns or indica ons of problems. These may necessitate addi onal evalua on to iden fy the full extent of the issues. It is also important that we not a empt to make the T-JTA say more than it was intended to say or use it in a way for which it was not designed. The T-JTA is available in two levels of difficulty. The regular edi on is at the eighth grade reading level, the secondary edi on is at the fi h grade reading level. You may need to use this edi on with young couples. It is also available in a braille edi on for the blind and is published in Spanish, German, and French with appropriate norms for these groups. This could be very helpful if you do much cross-cultural work.

GUIDELINES FOR USING T-JTA As you work with your premarital couple, be sure to view the T-JTA score in each trait as a tendency. Use the wording “according to the way in which you have answered the ques ons, there appears to be a tendency toward …” Being tenta ve is safer and much more acceptable than sta ng “You are definitely a …” Here are four other cau ons in presen ng the results. First, always have the individual or couple predict their score for a specific trait prior to your giving them their scores. The mindset and expecta on level is far different when this is done. Premarital couples are usually very eager to see the results. Second, use per nent ques ons. This will greatly facilitate couple communica on and the resolving of conflicts. During the past five years I have been using the individual ques ons of each trait more and more in counseling and discovered a previously untapped source of useful informa on and couple interac on. It may take addi onal me, but it assists you in moving from the surface to root issues. Third, remember that the shaded areas are there to assist you and the counselee in understanding the significance of the score. Generally speaking, the more closely a person’s

scores follow the darker shaded areas on the profile, the be er the indica ons for both individual and marital adjustment. But the shaded areas were developed based upon a consensus of opinion by a number of professional counselors who had used the T-JTA extensively. These are not absolute indica ons but must be interpreted with some la tude. Not using the shaded profiles greatly reduces the effec veness of this instrument. Fourth, be aware of how your own personality tendencies (and scores on the T-JTA) will tend to influence your interpreta on of the test results of others and your own counseling approach. Strong posi ve scores in various trait areas can suggest ministry opportuni es. Several years ago a pastor told me how he explained certain results to the couples. If a couple both had strong posi ve scores in a specific trait, he encouraged them to develop a ministry to other people who had difficulty in that trait area. If one of them had a strength in that trait area and his/her partner needed work in that same area, the one with a strength was called upon to minister to the partner who needed assistance. If both of them needed work in the same trait area, he encouraged them to seek the assistance of a third party. This is helpful for couples just star ng out in marriage. The counselor should focus on the personality differences, the areas of possible adjustment. I like to focus on how the two people are alike and how they are different. You are not looking for a couple to have iden cal profiles. Very few couples are iden cal in their T-JTA profiles. In fact, some who are too much alike may have difficul es. Perhaps the man and the woman both score 95 on the dominant scale. Look at one of the Taylor-Johnson profiles now, and you will see what the poten al problem might be for that couple. Two individuals who are very dominant may be headed for trouble if they do not learn to ease off, to give, and to adjust to the other person. Some individuals will have profiles that clearly indicate that addi onal tes ng is needed to discover the depth of the emo onal difficulty. Other profiles will indicate that individual counseling is needed before the person marries. Carrying a pa ern of anxiety, depression, emo onal blockage, nega ve thinking, overcompliance, anger, or impulsiveness into a marriage adds addi onal and some mes disastrous struggles. On numerous occasions I have recommended individual counseling before proceeding with the premarital prepara on. The T-JTA is a launching pad for iden fying and releasing areas that otherwise might slip by. A typical situa on in using this test may be that of a young man who scores himself very high on the Sympathe c/Indifferent trait; when he sees that his fiancée scored him very low, he wants to know, “Why do you see me like that? I am a very loving and caring individual.” Perhaps he is, but he might not be sharing this with her or verbalizing it so that she perceives it.

When you work with a couple on the results of their Taylor-Johnson Temperament Analysis, you have unlimited opportuni es to focus on their individual differences. Learning to blend, to become complementary and compa ble are major tasks for any couple during the ini al five years of marriage—personality differences, behavioral differences, and communica on differences will emerge during this session. That’s why I o en tell couples they will be marrying foreigners.

A CASE STUDY To illustrate this adjustment process, here is a conversa on taken verba m from the third session with Bill and Jan, who were planning to be married within six months. (All names in this chapter have been changed to protect the individuals’ privacy.) We were reviewing the Ac ve-Social/Quiet category and the Expressive-Responsive/Inhibited traits on the T-JTA when I men oned to them that each was actually marrying a foreigner. Jan was surprised to hear that; so was Bill. BILL: What do you mean, marry a foreigner? We’re both from this country. In fact, we couldn’t be be er matched or more alike. We were both born and raised in California; we’re both white; our parents were born and raised in this country, and so were their parents. How are we foreigners? NORM: Well, this comes as a shock to most couples, and I share this with almost everyone I work with now. You and Jan are similar. But you were both raised in different homes with different parents, siblings, experiences, and in effect a different culture. You may eat the same types of foods, but they were prepared differently. You have different customs, different rituals in your families, different beliefs and values, and thus you each learned a different “language.” If you want to have the kind of marriage you have described to me, your biggest task is going to be to learn about the other person’s culture, to develop the flexibility to be comfortable with either set of customs, and above all, to learn your partner’s language so that you can speak it. JAN: You mean, Bill and I, even though we’ve gone together for three years, s ll need to learn more about communica on and how we talk with each other? (Pause.) You know, I have felt that way at mes. On occasion I’ve sensed that Bill and I were sort of out of touch with each other, even though we had done a lot of talking and sharing. We would talk and talk, and at the me we each seemed to grasp what the other person was sharing, but later it felt as if we hadn’t talked at all. He didn’t catch what I had said. Other mes he has a difficult me understanding me. And I don’t understand why. NORM:

Jan, right now you’re sensing and sharing something many individuals feel perplexed about for many years of their marriage. Bill, what do you think about this? BILL: Yes, I see what you’re ge ng at now Jan and I do talk quite a bit, but some mes I wonder why she doesn’t understand my perspec ve. I state my point of view, but from the ques ons she asks, it’s as though she’d never heard me. So I try to explain again. In fact, at mes I think we over talk about some things. I like to make everything clear and simple and to the point, but we tend to go on and … JAN: Bill, the reason we go on and on at mes is because you don’t seem to understand what I’m feeling. I need to make sure that I’m understood by you, so we don’t have misunderstandings. NORM: Jan, it’s important to you that Bill understands your feelings, right? Bill, you want Jan to understand your perspec ve and view it your way, right? (They both nodded.) Could it be that some of the words you use aren’t in the other person’s vocabulary? Could it be that in some way you’re not speaking the other person’s language? JAN: Perhaps that’s what’s happening. (She thought for a minute and then con nued so ly.) Now that we are talking about this, I’ve become aware of something else. I feel we’ve made more progress, but at first we had to work on how we shared with each other. I didn’t understand what was going on un l I went to Bill’s home for dinner the first me. What a shock! BILL: Yes, it was a shock for her (laughing). NORM: What happened? JAN: We went to his home and had dinner with his parents and two brothers and sister. Naturally, I felt a bit apprehensive, since I wanted to make a good impression. I felt a li le on edge,

and when I do, I tend to quiet down somewhat. Not that I don’t talk as much as I usually do, but I get more hesitant and so -spoken. Once we got into dinner, I’m afraid I sat there with my mouth open in shock—at least I felt as if I did. Bill’s family is totally different from mine. My family is polite and quiet, and they rarely raise their voices. If they do, watch out! It means that someone is angry, but that doesn’t happen o en. But Bill and his family raise their voices, interrupt, carry on two or three conversa ons at once, even shout at mes! I was numb by the me dinner was over and felt very uncomfortable. When we le , the first thing I said to Bill was, “Bill, your family is such an angry group of people—and they didn’t seem very polite toward one another, either. They interrupted and didn’t let people finish.” BILL: That came as a big surprise to me. So I said, “What do you mean? My family loves each other. They’re very close-knit and loyal. In fact, they were just themselves tonight, which is good. That means they liked you and looked at you as someone they could be themselves with. Nobody was angry. That’s just the way we talk! We’ve always been that way, and so are my grandparents and aunts and uncles and their families. We’re just loud and have our own style of communica ng. I’m that way, too.” JAN: It was a shock for a while. The more I went with Bill, the more I discovered that he communicated that way. When he first raised his voice, I froze, because I thought he was angry, but I have since learned that he does that when he is excited and wants to emphasize something. NORM: So when you first went to Bill’s home, it was like entering another country, since they did things differently and in a sense spoke a different language. At first you felt a bit awkward, un l you began to translate what they were saying into your own language. Am I right? BILL: (Laughing) You’re right. Nobody ever put it that way before, but I can sure see how the idea of speaking another person’s language makes sense. NORM: This picture of marrying a foreigner is clearing up a bit for you then, isn’t it? BILL:

Oh, yes. In fact, I can see how both of us have already started to learn each other’s family language and to adapt to each family NORM: How? BILL: Well, a er some me I no ced that Jan started to open up when we were with my family. She actually raised her voice and even interrupted at mes. She really has learned to become one of us. I don’t even think she was aware of the changes. JAN: Bill’s right. I didn’t think about how I was gradually changing, un l one Christmas we had a tape recorder on during the family meal—or celebra on as they call it. We sat and listened to it a er dinner, and I was amazed when I heard myself. I sounded like them! NORM: How did that feel to you, changing your way of communica ng? JAN: It was very comfortable. I enjoyed myself, and I was ge ng closer to Bill’s family as well. I felt good about this new rela onship with his family. As the interview proceeded, I chose different communica on styles for Bill and Jan; my choice of words varied in subtle yet dis nct ways. Bill reported that he had adapted to Jan’s family, becoming more so spoken, though he understood his own family be er. Then I asked Jan how well she understood her family. NORM: Jan, do you and your family understand each other when you share together? Are you in touch with each other? JAN: Oh, yes. We always are. I get along especially well with Mom. Dad, I must admit, doesn’t always say too much. I wish he would. He’s short and to the point with very li le detail. At

mes I feel we have to drag any informa on out of him. When he does talk, he sounds like a

newspaper reporter giving a condensed version of the daily news. He just gives the facts. And feelings? I don’t know when I’ve heard Dad share his feelings. That’s frustrated Mom over the years, too. But Mom and I really click. NORM: So your father responds more like a condenser, and your mother is more of an amplifier. JAN: Yes, that’s exactly it. NORM: Bill, you and your family seem to focus in well together as you talk, and Jan, you feel good about your communica on with your mom. Now, what about the two of you together? What will it take for you two to communicate so that you understand each other (Pause)? NORM: By the way, Bill, are you and I communica ng? Do you think we see eye-to-eye? Do we understand each other? BILL: Oh, yes. You seem to see what I’m talking about, and I am ge ng the picture of this whole discussion of marrying a foreigner. I wonder, though, if I don’t need a passport to marry Jan (laughter)! NORM: Jan (in a so voice), how do you feel about our communica on? Does it make sense? JAN: Very much so. You seem to have a handle on what I’m feeling, and what you say registers. We seem to speak the same language. NORM: It’s important that we learn not only to speak the same language but also to make sure we mean the same thing with our words. I have run into so many couples who get irritated and upset in their marriages because of such a simple ma er as having different defini ons for their words. You each come to your marriage with a different dic onary. You know, two

people can speak Spanish and not mean the same thing. Two people can speak German and not mean the same thing. We’re si ng here speaking English and using some of the same words, but we might have different meanings for them. Your experiences in life, your mindset, what you intend can give meaning to your words. My wife might ask, “Could we stop at the store for a minute on our way home? I’ll just be a minute.” I might take the word minute literally, but I had be er not, because years of experience have taught me we’re talking about fi een to twenty minutes. At this point, I decided to personalize the issue to Bill and Jan by asking Bill a ques on. His answer prompted a lively discussion. NORM: Bill, has Jan ever said to you, “Bill, could I talk to you for a minute about something?” and you said yes, assuming she meant a minute, but you’re s ll discussing the issue thirty minutes later? BILL: Tuesday night. That very thing happened Tuesday night. Jan wondered why I was ge ng up ght. JAN: Well, it was important. Did it ma er how long it went on? You agreed we needed to talk about it, and I had felt that way for some me. BILL: Oh, no, it was all right. I just figured it’d be short, since you said a minute. JAN: (With more feeling) But many mes I feel you have set a me limit on our conversa ons. I almost sense that you’re impa ent and want to get to the bo om line. You don’t want to hear all my reasons or feelings. In fact, I wish you would share more details with me. I wear a new ou it and ask you how it looks, and all you say is, “It looks fine.” Can’t you tell me any more about how you feel about it? BILL: (Rolling his eyes upward and then turning to Jan) But I said it looked fine. What else do you want to hear?

NORM: On a scale of zero to ten, with zero meaning it looks terrible—like it’s out of the rag pile— and a ten meaning it’s outstanding, where does the word fine fall? BILL: Oh, it’s somewhere between an eight and a ten. JAN: How would I know that? That’s the first I’ve heard that fine had any meaning at all! NORM: This is what I mean when I say you need to define your words. Bill, if you couldn’t use the word fine and had to give a three-line descrip on of the dress Jan is wearing, what would you say? BILL: (Pause) Well, I like it. The color looks good. The dress looks like you, and I like some of the detail around the waist. It fits well, and I like the curves. It just seems to look like you. And the style is flashy. NORM: How do you feel about Bill’s response? JAN: That really feels good. He really seemed to no ce, and I enjoyed hearing his descrip on. BILL: Well, I could do that, but when I’m with some of my other friends and we say fine, we know what we mean. NORM: I can understand that, Bill. When you’re with them you speak the same language, but when you’re with Jan, you need to speak her language. She wants more detail, more descrip on, more adjec ves. That’s what registers with her. This is a good example of what I mean by

speaking the other person’s language. Now that we’re talking about it, which one of you tends to give more detail when you talk? JAN: I’m the detail person. Quite o en Bill asks me to get to the point and give him the bo om line so he understands what I’m taking about. I just want to make sure that he’s going to grasp what I’m sharing. I’ve always given a lot of detail and feelings, but some mes it’s as if he doesn’t hear my feelings. He ignores them. BILL: I don’t ignore what you are saying. I do see what you are ge ng at, but I don’t always know what to do with those feelings. It’s not that I always mind the detail, but I wish you would focus on the bo om line first, instead of going around the barn several mes and then telling me what you’re talking about. I like it straigh orward and to the point. In fact I really like it when you’re precise. The other day I asked you the me and you replied with ‘A li le before six.’ It was actually 5:50. I guess I need informa on concise, simple, and exact. I like clean instruc ons, too. NORM: Bill, you want Jan to communicate with you like a newspaper ar cle. BILL: A newspaper ar cle? NORM: Most newspaper ar cles are structured like a pyramid. The first sentence is a complete summary statement of what is in the ar cle. Next comes a brief paragraph with some of the most significant summary items expanded. The final larger por on of the ar cle will contain the minute details. BILL: That’s it. An approach like that makes sense to me. I can follow what’s going on a lot be er, and (looking at Jan) I would be willing to hear some more of the detail. But I don’t think I need to hear as much detail as you enjoy hearing. I don’t want a two-line news summary of what you say, but a Reader’s Digest condensa on would be helpful. NORM:

Bill, you’re asking Jan to condense some of the details a bit and iden fy the bo om line right at the start. That helps you focus on her conversa on be er. Is that accurate? BILL: Yes. NORM: That also means, Bill, since Jan enjoys detail, that when you share with her, you will give her more detail than you do now. Now, does my statement about marrying a foreigner make more sense to you? JAN AND BILL: Yes, definitely! COUNSELOR: Once again let me go back to the ques on I asked a few minutes ago. Jan and Bill, what is it going to take, in addi on to what we have already pointed out, for the two of you to understand each other and no longer be foreigners? What do you think, Bill? What do you feel, Jan? Before reading on, reflect back on what you just read. Were my words different when I spoke to Jan compared to Bill? If so, in what way? Why? What were the principles being taught to them in this session? Before con nuing, let me emphasize your role as a counselor. The best way a counselor can teach any couple how to speak one another’s language is by you, the counselor, modeling this process as you interact with them. This necessitates becoming familiar with various types of personality styles. The most accurate of these and the easiest to learn is the Myers- Briggs Type Indicator, and the most helpful resource is Type Talk, by Kroeger and Thuesen.

CREATING RAPPORT Styles of Communica on In addi on to this, learning the characteris cs of a person who speaks like a condenser and one who speaks like an amplifier is necessary. It means using the same style of speaking and the same terminology that your counselees use. Some are more cogni ve and factual, whereas others are much more feeling-oriented and expressive. It means being able to speak right to the point as well as going off on tangents before returning to the main point.

One important principle for you to remember is: The person who has the greatest flexibility in his communica on style will have the greatest influence and impact on other people. He also will establish rapport with them very quickly. This has ramifica ons for a minister’s preaching as well. Too o en we allow our own thinking and speaking style to permeate the sermon. If we tend to be more precise, structured, and factual we communicate well with those in the worship service who are the same. But what about the others who are more feeling-oriented or who like word pictures or illustra ons that contain emo ons? Some mes we leave some people out of the sermon. I have heard a number of ministers who have developed the ability to speak to all the different learning, thinking, and speaking styles in their congrega on. And it shows by the response of the people. Listen to your sermons. Listen to your conversa ons with others in and out of the counseling office. What is your style of communica ng? Establishing rapport was men oned earlier. It is vital for the counselor to establish rapport with each premarital couple but also for them to do the same in their rela onship with one another. A Defini on We use the word rapport when we talk about establishing rela onships with other people, and in the field of counseling, psychologists are encouraged to establish rapport with the clients as soon as possible. Rapport has been defined as “a rela onship marked by harmony, conformity, accord, or affinity.” It reflects a rela onship that has agreement or even likeness or similarity. How far does establishing rapport actually go? Do we have to become so much like others that we become clones? That we begin to lose our own iden es? Not at all. You will s ll be who you are and reflect your own unique mannerisms and pa erns of speech. However, by emphasizing similari es, you will be able to respond to a much greater variety of people in your counseling and other church ministries. In order to establish rapport, you have to take the opportunity to learn to be quite flexible. In fact, no doubt you already subconsciously do a lot of what I will suggest. Here I want only to iden fy it, refine it, and explain it so that you can become an even be er communicator. Mirroring Some of the outstanding therapists of our me are adept at establishing rapport quickly. In watching them you discover that part of their process of developing rapport relies on mirroring. Mirroring simply means giving back to the person por ons of his or her own nonverbal behavior as though the person were looking in a mirror. We all do this to some degree. You go to a dinner party, and you find yourself matching your table manners and body postures to the expected level of informality or formality you feel is needed for that group.

Mirroring does not mean mimicking. From early childhood we have been taught that copying is not acceptable. We believe that to mimic is the same as making fun of a person, but mimicry is usually characterized by some exaggera on of a behavior or speech trait. In contrast, mirroring occurs when you become sensi ve to por ons of your own behavior and response and to the other individual. What do you begin to become aware of? Por ons of the other person’s body posture, specific gestures, facial expressions, voice tone, tempo, and intona on pa erns. In some cases I have even seen the therapist match the person’s breathing rhythms. But remember that these are very slight and subtle responses. If the person you talk with begins hi ng himself on the side of the face every so o en, don’t do likewise! I’d suggest a subtle matching of slight behaviors, mannerisms, and voice. For this to be effec ve you don’t have to be a therapist. Friends talking together, a teacher with a student, two business associates—anyone can do it. Unconsciously (and now more consciously) I have done it in conversa ons with people in social situa ons as well as in the counseling office. A slight shi ing of the body in order to sit in a fashion similar to the other person, using a slight hand gesture that reflects one of his, pausing in much the same way she does are all examples of mirroring. Matching the level of their volume and types of wording is easy to learn. Be aware of what you do when you are with other people. Watch their interac ons as they communicate. No ce the quality of the interac on when mirroring is there and when it isn’t. It goes on all around us every day. Let’s con nue with Jan and Bill: NORM: Once again let me go back to my ques on of a few minutes ago. Jan and Bill, what is it going to take, in addi on to what we have already pointed out, for the two of you to understand each other and no longer be foreigners? What do you think, Bill? What do you feel, Jan? BILL: Well, we need to speak the other person’s language. NORM: Yes, but how do you do that, Bill? What does that mean in actual day-to-day communica on? JAN: (Interrup ng) I might be off on this, but I’m beginning to catch a sense of what you’ve been doing with us.

NORM: What have I been doing? JAN: I’ve no ced, now that I think about it, that you really have been doing this. You talk differently to Bill and me. Now I know what you mean by speaking the other person’s language. Bill, have you grasped it yet? No, let me take that back. Bill, do you see what has been happening? NORM: You did it very well just then, Jan. You switched from your vocabulary, which made sense to you, and used a word that’s part of Bill’s vocabulary. Bill, did you no ce that? BILL: Well, I no ced something different, but I’m not sure yet. NORM: Go on, Jan. JAN: Bill, you use words like see, look, focus all the me with me and everyone else, so they must have some significance to you. Those aren’t my words, but I can learn to use them. When I use feeling words, I don’t usually get much response from you, so perhaps I need to listen to your words more, and you need to listen to mine, and we can both learn to use each other’s way of speaking. BILL: “OK, I think I’m beginning to see …” He caught himself and then said, “You’re right. I do use that word a lot.” JAN: If we had a tape recording of this session—no, if we had a tape recording and a video recording, like the ones we used in our teacher-educa on courses—I imagine we would discover that you have been doing more than using our language. Is that right?

NORM: Yes, it is. You’re percep ve to sense that so soon. JAN: Now, if you had made that same statement to Bill, how would you have said it? BILL: (Interrup ng) Wait, I do see it now. You might say the same thing to each of us, but with different words, based on how we talk. I just no ced something else. When you talk to me, you give a bit more volume to what you say. You raise your voice just a bit, because I talk louder than Jan does. I no ced something else, too. You don’t waste any words with me on long explana ons. You seem to make it short and to the point, and I like that. Maybe that’s because that’s the way I talk. This is really something. We haven’t been here long, but it seems as if we’ve been together or known each other for a long me. JAN: Yes, I agree. I feel—and that’s one of my comfortable words—the same way. I’ve no ced you do more than just speak our language with your choice of words. When you talk to Bill, you seem to shi in your chair and sit almost the way Bill does. It’s nothing major, but you have done this several mes. You sit up a bit more, which is the way you sit, Bill. When you talk to me, I’ve no ced you tend to sit back and put your hands on the arm of the chair, which is exactly what I do. You even slow down your rate of speaking and speak more so ly to me than to Bill. NORM: You’re right, Jan. Since the two of you are just now becoming aware of this process, it will take some work on your part to refine your communica on with each other. I feel you’ve discovered the fact that you have probably responded this way already with other people, and you just were not aware of it. Now you will become more aware and will work consciously on how you communicate, not only with each other, but in a wider range of contacts as well. What will each of you be doing differently in your communica on with each other at this point? Bill, what do you think? BILL: Well, since this is in my lap, let me think a minute. Boy, this is something. I feel as if—how do you like that, one of Jan’s favorite words!—I’ve just come back from an archeological expedi on and made a gigan c discovery, and I’m s ll trying to put together all the pieces I’ve unearthed.

NORM: Bill, is that the way you usually describe things? Jan, was that a typical descrip on for Bill? JAN: I haven’t heard descrip ons like that too o en, but it was great. It said so much more than, “I’m thinking about it,” or something to that effect. BILL: Well, it’s just the way I was feeling, and that’s the best way to describe it. NORM: Bill, that was great. That was a beau ful example of how to expand your descrip on and give your conversa on more life, meaning, and richness. As you begin to communicate more and more like that, you will be amazed at your own ability and other people’s response to you. BILL: Some mes I even amaze myself! Well, here is what I’m going to be doing differently as I communicate with you, Jan. I guess the first step is to really learn your language, and that means I need to listen to you, to what you say, and how you say it. I’ll have to listen to you with my eyes as well as my ears. I know that there are mes when I don’t have eye contact with you when you talk; then when I do turn and look at you, your message somehow seems different. I don’t think I will totally change my way of communica ng, since I want to be me. But when I talk with you, I can use some of your words and phrases….

SPOTTING PREFERENCES It is important to explore a couple’s preferences and find specific ac vi es that could lead to a conflict or already have become a source of conten on. In another premarital session, I was discussing Ac ve-Social/Quiet trait scores with a couple. A score higher than 50 indicates either a desire to be ac vely doing things and involvement with people or it could refer more to extrovert tendencies. A score less than 50 suggests a quieter life style such as not being on the go so much, doing things by oneself, or it could reflect introvert tendencies. Tim’s score was 79 and Jean’s was 34. In the ensuing discussion, she expressed concern that her score was not very reflec ve of who she really is. But we explored this, and her fiance spoke up and said, “I think it is. The only thing she enjoys going out and doing is shopping.” She agreed with that. Since the word shopping had arisen before, we talked further about this.

NORM: A er you are married, how frequently do you want Tim to shop with you? JEAN: Twice a week. (Tim grimaced a bit at this, and I was mildly surprised at her expecta on.) TIM: And when she shops, she means from 10:00 in the morning un l 5:00 at night! NORM: Tim, could you describe to me your style of shopping? TIM: I know what I want when I go to a store, and I know the store to go to. I walk in, find it, and walk out. NORM: Do you see shopping as something to enjoy or a necessity? TIM: A necessity It should be done fast and efficiently. NORM: Jean, tell me about your style of shopping. JEAN: I like to look around and try everything on and go from store to store. NORM: Is shopping an enjoyable pas me for you? JEAN: Definitely!

NORM: Could I make a sugges on? A er you are married, why not plan to shop together perhaps once every two months and limit the me to two hours. How does that sound? JEAN: Once every two months? That’s all? Why, my mother and I go every Saturday for the en re day! TIM: It sounds good to me. A er all, what’s the longest I’ve ever lasted shopping with you? It’s never been two hours yet. JEAN: Well, that’s right, it hasn’t. And usually you’re in a hurry and you don’t like to look like I do. Maybe that would work. NORM: I just feel it would eliminate a great deal of conflict. There are other ac vi es that you could plan or learn to do together that would bring you a greater sense of sa sfac on. The discussion proceeded as we explored other possibili es of ac vi es together as well as acceptance of their individual differences. Each person needs to learn the process of encouraging his partner to be himself as well as to be willing to par cipate in his spouse’s way of experiencing life (and vice versa). The more ac ve-social person can learn to consider and experience the quiet partner’s life, and the quiet person can learn to par cipate in the ac ve person’s ac vi es. ASKING QUESTIONS Since Trait C, Ac ve-Social versus Quiet, is an indicator of such differences (extrovert vs. introvert), I usually bring in material such as these ques ons from Type Talk. If one of them is an introvert I make suggested comments like: • Do you tend to rehearse things before you say them? Do you o en respond with “I’ll have to think about that” or “Let me tell you later”? • Do you enjoy the peace and quiet of having me to yourself? Do you find your private

me easily invaded?

• Have you been called “shy” from me to me? Whether or not you agree, do you come across to others as somewhat reserved and reflec ve? • Do you like to share special occasions with just one other person or perhaps a few close friends rather than a lot of people? • Do you wish you could get your ideas out more forcefully and tend to resent those who blurt out things you were just about to say? • Do you like sta ng your thoughts or feelings without interrup on? • Do you ever need to “recharge” alone a er you’ve spent me socializing? And the more intense the encounter, the greater the chance you feel drained a erward?1 If the introvert’s partner is more of an extrovert, I ask, “What did you hear your fiancee say that might help you in understanding him and rela ng to him?” And in talking directly to an extrovert about his personality characteris cs I might raise these ques ons (also from Type Talk): • Do you tend to talk first and think later, and you don’t know what you’ll say un l you hear yourself say it? Do you tend to think out loud or brainstorm out loud? • Could it be that you don’t mind reading or having a conversa on while the TV or radio is on in the background? • Would you say you’re approachable and easily engaged in conversa on by friends and strangers alike? • Do you enjoy going to par es and prefer to talk with many people instead of just a few? • Are you energized by being with people? • Do you find listening more difficult than talking? • Do you need affirma on from friends and associates about who you are, what you do, how you look, and just about everything else? You may think you’re doing a good job, but un l you hear someone tell you, do you truly believe it?2 It is necessary to clarify differences for a couple so they can understand and accept the other person. Since an introvert person doesn’t share their conclusion or what they are thinking un l they have thought it out completely, their extrovert partner may become frustrated over being “ignored or given the silent treatment.” On the other hand, when the introvert hears the extrovert thinking and formula ng ideas out loud he assumes that what

he heard is what is going to occur. A er all, one wouldn’t share something unless it is thought through first internally and then spoken. But for the extrovert, the opposite is true. Just sharing this simple piece of clarifying informa on is helpful to both premarital and married couples.

THE EXPRESSIVE VERSUS INHIBITED CATEGORY Another T-JTA trait category, Expressive-Responsive vs. Inhibited, measures a person’s level of verbal expression and the expression of feelings. It is such an important trait that low scores in this area are accurate predictors of either the lack of emo onal in macy in the upcoming marital rela onship or definite struggles. In reviewing results, I like to go over some of the specific ques ons used to make up this trait since this leads us into some very important discussions. I usually read the ques on, give the persons’ responses, and then ask them what their reasons might be for their responses. We then discuss those occasions in which their responses might be different. In talking with them I listen closely to their terminology to discover if they can use emo onal language or phrases or if they even have an emo onal vocabulary. Some mes looking at Trait F, Subjec ve/Objec ve, will help me to determine if they respond on the emo onal rather than the cogni ve level. This is yet another example of the importance of the minister or counselor’s being able to use the language of the counselee. The Partner’s Percep on When a person’s partner is present and she sees him as being inhibited, I read the specific ques ons in which she rated him inhibited and ask her to again give her response. When this is done I ask her to share with her partner the following: (1) some illustra ons of why you responded in that manner to the specific ques on; (2) how you would appreciate him learning to respond in the future; and (3) two ques ons: “What can I do to assist you in accomplishing this? Is there anything that I have been doing that has made it difficult for you to respond?” Expressing Feelings Some mes an inhibited individual will ques on you concerning the value of reavealing their feelings. Your background reading will enable you to answer that ques on. Be sure to speak to their fears about sharing. Men tend to be more inhibited than women in displaying their inner feelings. O en I ask, “Could it be that one of the reasons you hesitate to share your inner feelings is that you would like to share the feelings or discuss them for just a couple of minutes? And you’re concerned that if you open up and share, your partner will either be cri cal or want to talk for an hour?” O en I see and hear a more emo onal response to that ques on than their spouse has seen in weeks. It’s a common fear on the part of men. On the other hand it will be important to stress with men that when their wives are expressing their emo ons, they usually want their husbands to just listen and/or reflect back what they have heard; the husband should not a empt to fix the wife’s feelings. It may help him to ask her, “Do you want me to just listen, or would you like some advice?”

The following interac on was taken from an actual premarital session of a discussion of the Expressive/Responsive trait. This discussion created an opportunity to both encourage and share informa on with one counselee, Jim. NORM: Does Jim come right out and say, “I am really bothered, I am really angry,” or does it show more in a nonverbal manner? SUE: I think it is half-and-half. Some mes if we are alone and he feels I can handle it, we can talk about it. He’ll express it. Other mes, if we are going somewhere and have things to do, he won’t talk about it. NORM: But you know he’s angry? SUE: Yes. NORM: What do you prefer? What would you like from him whenever he’s angry? SUE: I would rather sit down and talk about it. But I don’t always know if the circumstances are right. NORM: Would it help if Jim would just announce it and say, “I am really upset at this me even though we can’t talk about it?” It sounds like you know already that his anger is coming through nonverbally. If you can get some verbal indica on such as, “I am upset and here’s the reason,” “I am upset and I would like to talk about this later on,” would this help you? SUE: Yes, that would help.

NORM: (Turning toward Jim) What are your feelings about our discussion of you, Jim? JIM: I just reflect back to the other day, we were talking about handicapped people in our Bible study. We looked at them physically, spiritually, and emo onally, and I look at myself as an emo onally handicapped child because I feel I did not have the opportunity to express my emo ons at home. I didn’t develop them, I always had to be happy My mom always is. I wasn’t allowed to cry. It wasn’t right to be angry at all. Now I look at my friends. I look at people. I look at people who enjoy feeling emo ons. But I don’t know how some mes, and that’s one of the things I am learning through Sue. NORM: Sue, would you take Jim’s hand, please? I would like you to share with Jim what you will allow him to express to you in terms of emo ons. SUE: I want you to feel free to cry in front of me, to tell me when you are angry even though it might hurt me, just to say anything you feel and not hold back because of the circumstances. If other people are there, take me aside when you are frustrated or find me if I am not there and let it out. Just verbalize it. NORM: Jim, you are being given a gi by Sue. She is taking away the restric ons that you have had upon you for those many years on the expression of your feelings. She is saying, “The barriers are down so if you want to cry in front of me please cry; if you want to get angry, get angry; if you are hur ng, share it with me even if you don’t know all the right words.” Some mes, Jim, it helps to say, “I wish I knew more words to express this, but I want to try to express my feelings.” Then try to come up with as many adjec ves as possible and just work through the uncomfortableness. At first you’ll feel like a stranger in a foreign land. You have a lot of cogni ve ability. Your thinking ability is at an adult level. Using your own terminology, you said you are like a child in terms of knowing how to share emo ons. But you’re a very fast-learning child. And you can catch up in a hurry since now you have a person who says, “Be yourself.” Jim, experience the emo ons that God has given to you. If you find yourself holding back, let Sue know and say to her, “I want to give. I’m holding back, but I am going to try.” Then just blurt it out…. Your rela onship will have the in macy you’re seeking by sharing your emo ons.

The most consistent problem that I see working with married couples is this very issue. For thirty-five years the man has been just sterile emo onally, an emo onal cripple in many ways. And his wife has been dying for some type of an emo onal in macy. But it’s never been there—and they go their separate ways. Your rela onship doesn’t have to end up that way. It’s important that whoever is conduc ng the premarital counseling be able to express feelings and have an extensive feeling vocabulary in order to model this process for a counselee. Finally, remember the number of sessions needed to fully cover the T-JTA results can vary from couple to couple. If problem areas become evident, you may want to give specific assignments that must be completed during the me of the premarital counseling. Using the T-JTA can be a rich learning experience for the couple.

NOTES 1. O o Kroeger and Janet M. Thuesen, Type Talk (New York: Delacorte, 1988), pp. 14–22. 2. Ibid.