D6- Commitment, Communication, and Conflict Resolution

Wright, N. (1992). The Premarital Counseling Handbook. Chicago, IL: Moody.

CHAPTER 2

A Survey of Premarital Programs Twenty-five years ago the concept of marital preparation and individual premarital counseling was in its infancy. Today it has moved to a level of maturity as church ministers realize their calling is not to perform weddings but to nurture marriages so that they will become fulfilling and permanent and reflect the presence of Jesus Christ. For too many years it has been too easy to get married. Unfortunately, in many cases the church has contributed to the divorce problem of our nation by promoting easy weddings. People have spent more time preparing to obtain their driver’s license than in preparing for their marriage.

THE COMMUNITY MARRIAGE POLICY

The situa on is changing. A growing number of programs are designed to prepare couples for marriage. One with great promise is the Community Marriage Policy. The policy apparently originated in the central California community of Modesto, where church pastors adopted a community-wide marriage policy in 1986 to make it tougher to get married. A covenant was signed by seventy-three ministers represen ng more than thirty Protestant, Catholic, and Greek Orthodox churches and Modesto’s only Jewish synagogue. The policy mandated a four-month minimum wai ng period before couples could be married. During that me they are required to complete at least two premarital counseling sessions, evalua on tes ng, biblical teaching on morality, marriage and divorce, and—as needed— marital instruc on from “a mature married couple.” Three key changes were made in Modesto. First, Protestant churches agreed with Catholic churches to have a minimum prepara on period for engaged couples of at least four months. Second, they added more counseling. Churches with no requirements began demanding two or three sessions. Others already at that level required six sessions. Third, churches began coopera ng across the denomina onal lines for the first me. When a Bap st church told an engaged couple that they had to stop cohabi ng if they wanted to be married there, the couple went across town to another church, which they thought would be more liberal. They found the second church’s marriage instruc on required more sessions than the first. “We have already had three sessions elsewhere,” the couple said. But when the second pastor learned why they had le First Bap st, he informed them. “We also require couples living together to separate. I suggest you separate and go back to First Bap st.” The couple did so, and now undoubtedly they have a much be er chance for success in their marriage. Modesto demonstrates that churches can raise their standards for marriage prepara on with a uniform community policy.

The policy statement, as used in Modesto, California, is shown below. Each counselor who agrees to the policy signs the covenant in sec on IV.

Community Marriage Policy I. CONCERN: “Marriage is holy.” One concern as ministers of the Gospel is to foster marital unions under God and to establish successful spiritual families. Almost 90% of all marriages are performed by pastors, and we are troubled by the nearly 50% divorce rate. Our hope is to radically reduce the divorce rate among those married in area churches. It is the responsibility of pastors to set minimal requirements to raise the quality of commitment in those we marry. We believe that couples who seriously par cipate in premarital tes ng and counseling will have a be er understanding of what the marriage commitment involves. As agents of God, ac ng on his behalf, we feel it is our responsibility to encourage couples to set aside me for marriage prepara on, instead of concentra ng only on wedding plans. We acknowledge that a wedding is but a day; a marriage is for a life me. II. SCRIPTURE: “What God hath joined together, let no man put asunder” (Ma . 19:6). God has established and sanc fied marriage for the welfare and happiness of the human family. For this reason, our Savior has declared that a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one. By his apostles he has instructed those who enter into this rela onship to cherish a mutual esteem and love; to share in each other’s affirmi es and weaknesses; to comfort each other in sickness, trouble and sorrow; to provide for each other and for their household; to pray for and encourage each other; to live together as heirs of the grace of life; and to raise children, if there are any, in the knowledge and love of the Lord. In Malachi 2.13–16 it says that God hates divorce, and in Ephesians 5 the image of marriage is that of Christ and his church. III. IMPLEMENTATION: These are the minimum expecta ons: A. Wai ng Period: A minimum of four months from the ini al appointment un l the wedding date. B. Premarital Counseling: A minimum of two sessions that would include a rela onal instrument, inventory or test (e.g., Myers/Briggs or T-JTA) to help the couple evaluate the maturity of their rela onship objec vely. C. Scripture: Teach biblical doctrines on morality, marriage and divorce. Encourage them to memorize key verses on marriage.

D. Engagement Seminar: Encourage the couple to par cipate in a concentrated period of joint introspec on. E. Helping Couples: Provide, as needed, a mature married couple to meet with them to assist in the concept of marital “bonding.” F. Postmarital: Commit ourselves to counseling the couple as needed. IV. COVENANT: A. I covenant to build successful spiritual families. B. I covenant to follow Scripture and to implement these minimum prepara ons for the couples that I marry to substan ally reduce the divorce rate in our area. C. I covenant to join with other spiritual leaders to encourage couples to seriously par cipate in premarital prepara on.1 The results of this policy are s ll in process. The number of marriages has remained constant in the Modesto area. In 1988, two years a er the community marriage policy was adopted, the number of divorces dropped for the first me. But the numbers went back to previous levels in 1989 and higher in 1990.2 Why? We are not en rely sure at this point. And there has not been enough me for the community marriage policy to have an effect. The average marriage ending in divorce takes seven years. The be er bonding of couples married in 1987 to 1990 should be seen during 1994 to 1997. The development of community marriage policies has been embraced na onally by the news media and other communi es. Most major na onal Chris an magazines have wri en about Modesto’s innova on. Chris an Herald reported: The ministers of Modesto have signed a pact not to perform hurry-up weddings. Whereas individual clergy across the na on have long insisted on a period of prepara on with at least some premarital counseling, a couple in a hurry could always go down the road and find a willing pastor. Now the Greater Modesto Ministerial Associa on has all but shut the door.3 Chris anity Today devoted a page to the Community Marriage Policy in its September 8, 1989, issue.4 Charisma & Chris an Life headlined its April 1990 story with an important result of the covenant: “Divorce Rate Down in California Town.” The ar cle reported that “sta s cs gathered by the Modesto Bee suggest the 1986 pact is already having a citywide effect.” In summer 1990, Equipping For Ministry became the fi h na onal magazine calling a en on to the community marriage policy in Modesto, publishing Modesto’s en re text. Meanwhile, pastors in at least a dozen other ci es have transplanted the idea to their own communi es. They range from Fresno, California, where 105 pastors have made this

commitment, to Beaver, Pennsylvania, with 9 pastors. Fairbanks, Alaska; Kokomo, Indiana; Washington, Pennslvania; and Cuyahoga Falls, Ohio all started a similar policy a er news columnist Michael McManus made speeches there urging the step. The community marriage policy has been refined and improved by some second-genera on communi es. The pastors in Beaver resisted what they thought was an overly rigid formula by saying the “general standards may be applied faithfully, yet flexibly” and they speak of a “normal minimum of four months” prepara on period. They hold one event per year “with a endant community publicity to encourage youth to consider the importance of marriage prepara on earlier than the few months before an intended marriage.” They pledge to “communicate in wri ng and/or in person with couples in the first months and years of their marriage, offering resources of counsel and encouragement.” In Fairbanks, where many weddings involve military personnel sta oned there a short me, the minimum prepara on period is three months, not four. But instead of requiring a minimum of two counseling sessions, as in Modesto, they ask for at least six counseling sessions, and ask the couple to a end at least one session of post-marital counseling. The Fairbanks Community Marriage Policy was lavishly praised in an editorial by the Fairbanks News-Miner, appearing March 4, 1990: The high divorce rate is a troubling phenomenon that creates havoc in the lives of the adults and children who go through it. Anyone can walk into the state courthouse and get a marriage license in four days…. With such an effec ve civil system in place, there is no reason for churches to be marriage factories. A er all, religious ins tu ons have different responsibili es…. If people want to get married in a church, then it seems appropriate that the churches should do something to increase the chances that those people will stay married. Training and discussion of spiritual principles, morality and marriage are vital if the union is to work. The key to this policy is that the churches have a way to make people aware of what life is like a er the honeymoon…. In the interest of stronger marriages and a reduc on in the divorce rate, we hope that more of the 100-plus churches in the Fairbanks and North Pole areas embrace this policy. Four Illinois ci es have expanded the community marriage policy to include marital enrichment. Pastors of thirty-eight churches in Peoria, Quincy, Rock Island, and Moline in fall 1991 signed an enlarged community church policy that insists on premarital counseling and also requires (1) a minimum of two postmarital counseling sessions with a mentor couple, (2) a “marriage ministry” of mentoring couples whose marriages once nearly failed to work with troubled marriages, (3) encouraging all married couples to a end a couples retreat such as Marriage Encounter or Marriage Enrichment, and (4) ra fica on of the policy by each pastor’s local church board, to assure church-wide support.5 McManus says the new policy is stronger than

the original Modesto statement due to its “emphasis on how the church can deepen and refresh exis ng marriages, and restore those that are breaking.”6

“RELATIONSHIP INSTRUCTION” In addi on to this program, Rev. Jim Talley of First Bap st in Modesto began many years ago to convince “seriously da ng couples” to take “Rela onship Instruc on” before even talking about engagement. The sessions include the study of Scripture on marriage and divorce, learning communica on skills, and signing a “contract” in which the couples agree to remain chaste and to limit their me together to only four hours a week. Of 1,000 people who have taken “Rela onship Instruc on” for more than fi een years, half did not marry. But of those who did, only 5 percent divorced.7

GROUP AND PRIVATE COUNSELING At another church in Escondido, California, any couple desiring to be married must contact one of the several ministers of the church. A er the ini al screening interview with the minister, the couple is then recommended to an eight-week premarital counseling class. At the end of the fourth session of the class the couple resumes their individual counseling of two to six weeks with the pastor. At the conclusion of the counseling and with the approval of the minister, the couple can then put their wedding date on the church calendar. All couples need to begin the counseling and instruc on a minimum of six months before their desired wedding date. The total number of couples who have completed this program over a period of ten years is approximately 400. Of the 400, informa on is available on approximately 300. The couples had been married between one and ten years and were distributed evenly across the years (about thirty marriages per year). Of the 300 couples, fourteen had divorced—4.66 percent. About 15 percent had chosen not to marry. The rest had married and were married at the me of follow- up.8 We must observe one cau on in interpre ng these findings. Not all the couples have been married a full ten years, so we must assume addi onal divorces will occur. If we average out the divorces with the amount of years married, we could an cipate that the divorce rate would not exceed 15 percent. This is s ll significantly below the na onal average.

OTHER CHURCH PROGRAMS A Variety of Approaches Many churches today have developed extensive ministries for couples seeking to be married. A wide variety of approaches, policies, and resources is in use. Here is a por on of a brochure couples receive at a Midwest evangelical church when planning marriage: Marriage is a marvelous experience. It is a union which is compared by Christ to that which exists between our Lord and the Church. There is no union more in mate than this. Next to the union we have with Jesus Christ, marriage can be the happiest rela onship one can find. This happiness will be built upon a mutual love for Jesus Christ and for each other, giving oneself away unselfishly in loyalty, considera on and service. The blessings of the Lord will be

appor oned to you according to the measure in which you follow His will, as revealed in Scripture. We are interested in being of help to those who are looking to God for His blessings in marriage. Our pastors … desire to meet with you and share with you the true meaning of the marriage rela onship. The following is our policy for the use of any of our facili es for a wedding: 1. The pastor performing the wedding should be contacted first, generally 6 to 12 months before the desired marriage date. Reserva ons for church facili es will be made through him before the date and me are placed on the church calendar or announced. 2. Normally we expect at least four premarital prepara on and enrichment sessions. The couple will be asked to purchase and read books, listen to tapes (loaned) and evaluate themselves and their rela onship by the use of certain “tools.” Some sessions may be with another pastor rather than the one who will perform ceremony.9 Here is the le er given to couples seeking counseling at a large Bap st church in Southern California by one of the staff pastors: Dear Engaged Couple: Thank you for considering First Bap st Church as the place where you wish to seal your marriage vows. We are honored by your interest, and want to let you know what is involved in preparing for your wedding so you can come to a more informed decision. The marriage prepara on and counseling process at First Bap st Church, which is outlined below, is both intensive and extensive. Considerable me, effort, and commitment will be required of you … which is good training for marriage!appor oned to you according to the measure in which you follow His will, as revealed in Scripture. We are interested in being of help to those who are looking to God for His blessings in marriage. Our pastors … desire to meet with you and share with you the true meaning of the marriage rela onship. The following is our policy for the use of any of our facili es for a wedding: 1. The pastor performing the wedding should be contacted first, generally 6 to 12 months before the desired marriage date. Reserva ons for church facili es will be made through him before the date and me are placed on the church calendar or announced. 2. Normally we expect at least four premarital prepara on and enrichment sessions. The couple will be asked to purchase and read books, listen to tapes (loaned) and evaluate themselves and

their rela onship by the use of certain “tools.” Some sessions may be with another pastor rather than the one who will perform ceremony.9 Here is the le er given to couples seeking counseling at a large Bap st church in Southern California by one of the staff pastors: Dear Engaged Couple: Thank you for considering First Bap st Church as the place where you wish to seal your marriage vows. We are honored by your interest, and want to let you know what is involved in preparing for your wedding so you can come to a more informed decision. The marriage prepara on and counseling process at First Bap st Church, which is outlined below, is both intensive and extensive. Considerable me, effort, and commitment will be required of you … which is good training for marriage! 1. Premarital Counseling: a. Dura on: minimum of 6 2- to 3-hour sessions over a 4–5 month period. Special needs/circumstances/problems may require more sessions with the minister or a professional counselor, as the minister deems necessary. b. Normal schedule of counseling sessions: 1.) “Ge ng to know you.” Extensive Q & A about individual histories, spiritual backgrounds/status, reasons for marrying, etc. Establishing rela onships, explaining requirements. Homework: “Expecta ons/Rela onship Survey” to be completed and brought to next mee ng. 2.) More rela onship building and exploring of issues; updates on spiritual progress, wedding prepara ons. Discuss at length “Expecta ons/Rela onship Survey.” Homework: “Family History Analysis,” to be completed and mailed back 2 weeks prior to next mee ng. 3.) Evaluate progress and prepara ons; spend most of the session discussing the “Family History Analysis.” Homework: “Taylor-Johnson Temperament Analysis,” to be completed and mailed back 2 weeks prior to next mee ng. 4.) Evaluate progress and prepara ons; spend most of the session explaining/discussing “TJTA.” No homework! 5.) Preliminary read-through of standard wedding service. Discuss op ons and essen als. Send copy home for further review Begin to view video series “Before You Say I Do” with video #1, “Communica on” (each video is 2 hours long).

6.) Se le final details on wedding service. Go through checklist of things that need to be finished before wedding can take place. View video #2, “Finances”; schedule video #3, “In macy.” (Note: this final mee ng will be about 1 month prior to wedding. Couples should call back 1 week before the wedding just to “touch base,” so we can make sure all essen al preliminaries have been completed.) c. Cost: Premarital counseling is included in the package price you pay to the church for the wedding. Costs for professional tes ng/counseling, if required by the minister, must be borne by the engaged couple. d. Priority of counseling: The importance of premarital counseling cannot be overstated. You will be acquiring knowledge and skills to help you the rest of your lives. Therefore, please assign the mee ngs your highest priority, and be willing to adjust your regular agenda if necessary to schedule and a end them. (This may involve, for example, taking me off work.) If you must cancel a mee ng, please do so at least one day in advance. 2. Marriage Prepara on: a. Approval of wedding: The minister will tenta vely inform you by the end of the first counseling session whether he can officiate at your wedding. This will be based on his knowledge at that point. Should he agree to officiate, then later become aware of ma ers that could have a significant nega ve impact on your rela onship; or if either of you fail to meet the agreed-upon requirements of the marriage prepara on/counseling process, the minister may have to rescind his approval. b. Church a endance: A church wedding is a service of worship to Almighty God. The significance of such a service can best be appreciated by those who regularly par cipate in church. Therefore, for couples who have no present church rela onship, the minister will require a endance at this church’s services of worship for a certain number of weeks before the wedding; and will also want to discuss your religious beliefs. c. Church rela onships: Since we work so closely with the people we marry, and invest so much

me and effort in their lives, it is our normal policy to perform weddings only for couples who are involved in the life of our church. If you are ac ve in and commi ed to another church, and plan to con nue that involvement a er your marriage, it is recommended that you arrange to have your wedding there. If that church is too small, we recommend using a larger church of the same denomina on, or securing the use of a private hall, as we cannot rent our facili es for weddings. d. Difficult issues: If any of the following is a past or ongoing issue in your lives or rela onship, it must be resolved to the minister’s sa sfac on before the wedding can take place: couples living together; history of divorce; lack of openness to spiritual counsel; emo onal instability, immaturity or incompa bility; substance, spousal, or child abuse; financial mismanagement;

history/prac ce of immorality; Chris ans marrying non-Chris ans; and any other ma er which the minister considers a significant barrier to a happy, las ng marriage. If you have any ques ons concerning any of the above issues, or disagree with any of the stated posi ons, please men on it to the minister at your first mee ng. We are here to understand and help you, not to judge you. If we can agree with you on reasons why any of our standards and requirements should be waived in your case, we will do it. May God bless you as you con nue to prepare for your marriage!10 Refusal to Marry a Couple As noted above under “Difficult Issues,” a minister may choose not to marry a couple. When it comes to a believer and an unbeliever’s seeking marriage, the Scriptures clearly forbid the uni ng of such a couple (see 2 Cor. 6:14); this would be the standard for refusing to perform the ceremony. Nonetheless, many pastors in evangelical churches have stated that they do perform weddings joining believer and unbeliever. Their reasons include pressure from parents who are members, board-member pressure, fear of offending long-standing friends, and doubt that the non- Chris an would respond to any proclama on at this me. A pastor may weigh in his mind what his congrega on will think about what he does. His feeling of the approval or disapproval of the church figures in his decision. A common, final reason is that if the couple is allowed to marry, the unbeliever may eventually respond to the church and its message through this contact. Too o en, though, the opposite occurs: because of the influence of the one, both individuals are lost to the church, and the faith of the believer begins to wane. I discuss the issue of marrying unbelievers further in chapter 6. Group and Individual Counseling At Grace Community Church in Sun Valley, California, about 200 couples are involved in marriage prepara on each year. The church uses a combina on of group and individual counseling. Each couple will have two to four individual sessions with a contact lay couple. The group classes are held every Sunday a ernoon from 12:30 to 5:00. Here is their course content:

Each couple is counseled as well, using the results of their weekly homework and the T-JTA. Thirty percent of those counseled choose not to pursue marriage. Of those thirty percent, 85 percent have dated for longer than a year. In a le er from a staff minister from this church came this comment: “Our premarital ministry here con nues to be a great source of blessing as we see God glorified by both the dissolu on of some engagements and the las ng marriages of others.” Elmbrook Church in Brookfield, Wisconsin, also uses group and individual counseling, while requiring four condi ons for marriage in the church: (1) a endance at church for at least thirteen weeks prior to signing up for a wedding date, (2) comple on of a premarital class, (3) premarital counseling with a pastor, and (4) a signed statement from the pastor sta ng that he is sa sfied that the couple will bring the necessary spiritual commitment to the marriage. Couples must demonstrate their commitment to the church through a endance for at least three months prior to signing up for a wedding date. Since couples usually are an cipa ng their wedding dates six months or more a er their engagement announcement, this gives the church members contact with the couple for at least nine months. The premarital class runs for eight consecu ve Sunday mornings for one and one-fourth hours each Sunday. Sessions combine large group lecture and small group discussion, with topics ranging from “What Is Love—God’s Way” and “What Is a Chris an Marriage?” to “Sa sfying Sexuality” and “The Couple’s Devo onal Life.” For strong interac on, the small groups usually have a maximum of four couples. These small groups are also required to meet once in the small group leaders’ home for a less formal me of interac on. The couple is also required to write two book reports. One book is specifically assigned, and the second may be chosen from an approved list. The required book is So You’re Ge ng Married (Regal Books). A er comple ng the class, couples meet with their officia ng pastor for premarital counseling. Pastors usually spend four one-hour sessions with each couple. Dave Seemuth, director of premarital counseling, reports that many Elmbrook ministers use Premarital Counseling (Moody), and a diagnos c tool, either T-JTA or the PREPARE instrument. A couple does not have a confirmed wedding date un l a er they have met with the pastor. As Seemuth explains, That pastor must be sa sfied with the spiritual commitment the couple has, their lifestyle, and their previous marriage issues (if necessary). Once the pastor and couple have thoroughly discussed these things to the pastor’s sa sfac on, the couple may be married at Elmbrook Church…. Once the couple completes the process and is married, we seek to integrate the couple into the couples ministry. We especially seek to involve them in one of our small groups. In this way we can track their progress. We also run marriage enrichment programs and retreats.11

Couples Counseling Dove Chris an Fellowship Interna onal in Ephrata, Pennsylvania, operates a strong premarital program that includes a counseling couple who work one-to-one with the counselee couple. The trained lay couple lessen the counseling load of the busy pastor; thirty-five couples are trained to give pre- and postmarital counseling in the church of 2,300. A detailed and extensive workbook/manual is used by both the couple conduc ng the counseling and the premarital couple. The engaged couple a ends six hours of mee ngs; the lay couples conduc ng the counseling usually have been through some deep waters in their own marriages and have recovered. Trained by the church staff, the lay couples are supervised by a staff pastor during their first counseling sessions. Half-way through the counseling experience, the engaged couple begins consulta ons with a staff pastor in regard to their future marriage. Approximately 85 percent of the counseled couples marry. A couple planning to be married at the Church of the Saviour in Wayne, Pennsylvania, must complete the premarital seminar and present a cer ficate of successful comple on to the pastor performing the marriage ceremony. The pastors and elders view this as a prac cal demonstra on of their commitment to establish a sound marriage. A er the premarital seminar, the couple a ends at least five counseling sessions (one a er the wedding) with the seminar staff. In addi on, each couple is matched with counselors, usually a couple, best suited for them. If either person has been previously married, he or she must submit the form “Informa on From The Previously Married,” which is reviewed and approved by the counselor and the elder supervising the seminar. In addi on, both persons must complete a “Fresh Start” seminar—a four-week Bible study—prior to a ending the premarital seminar, or, in any event, prior to the wedding. The premarital seminar consists of ten classroom sessions covering (1) the biblical view of marriage, (2) the biblical roles of husband and wife, (3) building up one another, (4) communica ons in marriage, (5) financial stability, (6) preparing for paren ng, (7) sexual anatomy and response, and (8) growing in the Lord together. At Church of the Saviour, each couple must supply background informa on and take a Taylor- Johnson Temperament Analysis prior to the beginning of classes. Each couple receives a notebook to hold homework, informa on, and notes, and they must read So You’re Ge ng Married and listen to an album of tapes. Graduates advise that couples complete the seminar at least two months before the wedding.

PREMARITAL COUNSELING AND MINISTRY Whatever program of premarital counseling you use, good counseling is a ministry, helping couples move toward marriages that honor God and one another—and in some cases to postpone or avoid marriage altogether. Recently a young pastor from a small church completed

one of my training seminars in premarital counseling and began to implement premarital counseling in his own church. In a le er, he wrote about his experience: What a revolu on! Li le did I know that this church has had a long reputa on of marrying anybody. The current pastor had been concerned about the situa on since his coming two years ago, but didn’t know what to do to change it. I began as associate pastor four months ago, shortly a er taking your pre-marital course at Grace Graduate School. We are a small community of about 2,000 and have about 200 in services Sunday morning. The policy has been handed out to six couples in four months. A ached is a copy of the policy which I proposed and which was accepted by our church board. Of the six who have received the policy, two went elsewhere to be married, one began and quit a er one session (he le town when she couldn’t think of one reason why she should marry him), two couples we haven’t heard from again, and one couple just has the fi h session to complete. Obviously they are the ones I counseled for the assignment for your class. People are beginning to realize that our church takes marrying seriously They’re seeing that we’re not as concerned with pre y weddings as with establishing solid homes where God is honored and people are growing in love. We’ve seen the results of the former lack of policy, and it is high me for this change. The mother of the girl whose fiance le town approached me and said, “Thanks for not just marrying them. You saved Mary and us a lot of heartache.” I could go on, but just let me say thanks. The premarital program is a giant leap in a posi ve direc on. In thousands of churches throughout the Western Hemisphere, marriage is being taken seriously. Those of us involved in the ministry of the local church have the greatest opportunity of any group to minister to couples. Eighty percent of couples are married in religious ceremonies. Even those couples who give li le thought to the church at any other me want to be married in a church. In my experience, the most effec ve style of premarital counseling is the individual approach in which you meet with the couple. Group premarital is a supplement to the individual approach but it is only about 30 percent as effec ve by itself. I recommend both approaches, but if you have to make a choice, meet with each couple on their own. If possible, use both approaches together. A well-developed model of this combined approach is found at Emmanuel Faith Community Church in Escondido, California. The material this church uses for the group sessions is available in a teacher’s manual including the content handouts and transparency pa erns. It is called “The Integrated Approach to Premarital Counseling.” For informa on, contact Mr. Dave Ferreira at 127 E. 3d Ave., Suite 201, Escondido, CA 92025. Some people believe that li le change can be accomplished with a couple in their engaged state and thus the counseling should occur during the ini al year of marriage. We have not found this to be true. Thousands of ministers and counselors are making an impact on couples through their premarital ministry. Couples need their assistance in advance of, not a er, poten ally

devasta ng disrup ons. Since a significant number of couples have made a decision not to marry through their premarital counseling experience, that in itself has an effect upon the divorce rate. During a year-and-a-half period, I conducted the premarital sessions for twenty- eight couples. Fourteen were married, and the other fourteen decided not to marry. A study of five primary PREPARE categories (conducted by David Olson, the developer of PREPARE, and Blaine Flowers) found that couples who decided not to marry most highly resembled couples who divorced. What the counselor learns prior to marriage should be applied then; wai ng un l a er the marriage to give assistance is cour ng disaster. Couples will change in their a tudes, beliefs, behaviors, and skills. We have seen this occur for more than twenty years. What will bring about this change? Three factors. The first is the ability, knowledge, and skill the counselor brings to the sessions. Who you are and the manner in which you carefully and sensi vely orchestrate the sessions will be vital. Your own marriage (if you are married) needs to be strong since each couple will have the freedom to ask about your own marriage. A second factor is a commitment to crea ng some unrest or dissonance in the counselees. Premarital is different from other counseling approaches. How? I would like to see the couple leave my office a bit troubled or concerned, pondering the weight of this step they are about to take. I want them to leave at mes with ques ons and concerns rather than with everything

ed up in a neat package. When they return and show that they spent hours in deep discussion and applica on of what they were struggling with in the last session, I feel the counseling is going well. In a sense, the counselor should create a sense of crisis in a posi ve way with each couple. This brings about the ideal condi ons for growth. It can be accomplished in the individual approach but is quite difficult to accomplish in the group process. The third element is our own reliance upon our Lord Jesus Christ to guide our thoughts and words in each counseling encounter. Invi ng the Holy Spirit to be present as our own guide is essen al.

NOTES 1. The policy was wri en by journalist Michael J. McManus. Used by permission of Michael J. McManus, 9500 Michael’s Court, Bethesda, MD 20817. 2. Michael J. McManus, “Ethics and Religion.” The Modesto Bee, October 5, 1985. 3. “No More Quickie Weddings,” Chris an Herald, June 1987, p. 23. 4. Jeffrey Williams, “Churches Unite, Take a Stand to Prevent Divorce,” Chris anity Today, September 8, 1989, p. 65. 5. For a copy of the Peoria Community Marriage Policy, write Michael J. McManus at the Bethesda, Maryland, address shown in endnote 1.

6. Michael McManus, personal correspondence, October 31, 1991. 7. Telephone interview with Jim Talley, January, 1990. The survey spans couples receiving counseling during the fi een years ending in 1989. 8. Le er from Dave Ferriera, marriage, family, and child counselor; Emmanuel Faith Community Church, Escondido, California, n.d. 9. Premarital and wedding prepara ons by an evangelical Protestant church. 10. Steven Mitchell, “Normal Standards and Requirements for Premarital Counseling and Marriage Prepara on”; le er to couples, First Bap st Church, Downey, California. Used by permission. 11. Le er from Dave Seemuth; Elmbrook Church, Brookfield, Wisconsin, n.d.

CHAPTER 6 Strategies for an Extended Counseling Program

ORGANIZING THE SESSIONS

Earlier I suggested that a couple be required to have at least six sessions of premarital counseling. Here is how those sessions are organized: During the sessions the pastor or counselor meets with both partners. On some occasions you may want to see them individually, but usually they are together. Some mes individual sessions may be necessary because of emo onal difficul es discovered through tes ng. The counseling se ng is very important. Your office or a study at home could be used if there is sufficient privacy and a homey, informal atmosphere. Freedom from interrup ons is crucial; make arrangements to prevent people from walking into the room, knocking on the door, and calling on the phone. When you and the couple sit near each other in easy chairs, an informal se ng is created that helps alleviate the couple’s anxie es. The counseling se ng is very important. Your office or a study at home could be used if there is sufficient privacy and a homey, informal atmosphere. Freedom from interrup ons is crucial; make arrangements to prevent people from walking into the room, knocking on the door, and calling on the phone. When you and the couple sit near each other in easy chairs, an informal se ng is created that helps alleviate the couple’s anxie es. Premarital counseling is highly structured, but great flexibility can occur within the structure. The number of sessions, content, assignments, and evalua ve tests are set (see next chapter), but changes and addi ons will occur with almost each couple because of their unique issues. The basic structure for premarital counseling follows this pa ern:

1. Couples should contact the church several months in advance of the me they are planning to wed. At that me arrangements will be made to begin the process of premarital prepara on. No date is placed on the church calendar at this me. 2. There will be a minimum of six one-hour sessions with the individual couple prior to the wedding and one session nine months to a year following the wedding. 3. In larger churches there might also be a number of group premarital classes conducted at the same me as the individual. An alterna ve to this is using the video series “Before You Say I Do.” 4. There will be one mee ng between the premarital couple and a selected married couple for the purpose of interviewing this couple about their own marriage.

TIME REQUIREMENTS The basic structure of the premarital counseling suggested in this book is six one-hour sessions before the wedding plus one session three to six months a er the wedding. Some counselors may ask, “How do we fill all of that me?” The problem is actually just the opposite— some mes the me allo ed is not sufficient to cover all the material. (I find now that I o en need at least seven sessions.) Other readers might react by saying, “I marry twenty to thirty couples a year. What you’re sugges ng could amount to two hundred hours. Where do I get that me, with everything else I have to do?” It is true that counseling takes me. However, it might be well for each minister to regularly analyze his use of me. Some mes our gi s and abili es are not being used to their best advantage. It is very easy in the ministry to become overwhelmed with tasks that have li le to do with a real ministry to people. O en it comes down to a ma er of priority; we do what we feel is important. Premarital counseling is one of the most important opportuni es for ministry. There are several ways to approach the problem of me. One is to restructure one’s use of me so that counseling takes a higher priority and other ac vi es are delegated. When we keep adding ministries to our already busy schedule and fail to relinquish or delegate some, a number of difficul es arise. (See Ex. 18 and Num. 11; note the difficulty Moses experienced because he had not delegated responsibili es to others.) Use Lay Counselors The answer is to develop a support team of qualified, commi ed, and trained lay individuals or couples to conduct the very same type of premarital counseling that you present to couples. In many churches mature individuals and couples have the capabili es to become helpers in the ministry of premarital prepara on. Some could serve as teachers in the class sessions and others can be trained to conduct the actual premarital sessions, including using the various tests

and evalua on forms. Numerous churches are currently involved in this ministry. The en re field of lay counseling has been expanding over the past decade. Involving lay people is very effec ve. In general, lay or paraprofessional helpers have shown a level of effec veness comparable to professionals, according to many outcome studies reported in the literature. A recent issue of the Journal of Psychology highlights the effec veness of using lay counselors and concludes that current research findings show that lay or paraprofessional counselors are, in general, as effec ve as professionals in helping people with their problems.1 Train Lay Counselors The main ques on is: How do you train lay people to conduct premarital counseling? I recommend a six-step format for each person par cipa ng in the training. First, announce to your congrega on that you are looking for individuals or couples who are interested in considering this ministry. You may want to approach personally some people of known ability and empathy. Be sure to let everyone know that not all who are interested or take the training will be selected, as everyone will be going through a screening and supervision process. Some of those interested will drop out as they become aware of the requirements, and you will find some who are not really capable of counseling others. Any person or couple involved in this ministry must reflect a healthy, growing marriage themselves. The fi h step in the training (see below) will give you informa on about each person that will aid you in the selec on process. Second, have each person read this resource. Meet with the group to discuss what was read and answer ques ons. The third step requires the poten al counselors read each of the books recommended for premarital couples and listen to each of the tape series. The fourth step involves each person comple ng the same tests the premarital couple will complete: The Taylor-Johnson Temperament Analysis, the Family History Analysis, and PREPARE II. It would be best to use the Enrich form of PREPARE for your group as it will assist them in evalua ng their own marriage. In addi on to these I would encourage you to have each person complete the “Marital Assessment Inventory,” another assessment tool that will assist a couple in looking at the strengths and weaknesses of their marriage.2 Make me to go over the results of these tests with the individual or couple. Fi h, if you plan to have your lay counselors use any of the tests in their counseling, set aside the me to train them in the use of PREPARE II and the Family History Analysis. Each of these comes with an instruc onal manual. Some of your people may have the necessary educa onal background to par cipate in training lay people to use the T-JTA. The training couple can take the survey measurements themselves. If they par cipate in a seminar or if you have used this extensively for several years yourself, you could provide some of their instruc on and they could

use them under your supervision. Furthermore, if you have the audio tapes of a seminar you a ended, you may also use these. The final step is for the lay counselors to observe live counseling sessions. This is the most important part of the training. For years in my graduate classes at Talbot Theological Seminary and Biola University I have conducted premarital counseling with a couple in front of my students. The class size has varied from thirty to eighty students, yet none of the couples was inhibited or bothered by being observed. A er each session the couple le and for the next hour we would analyze the session and deal with ques ons. Over the years students have con nued to comment about the impact and effec veness of that approach. There are three ways to conduct such counseling-observa on sessions: 1. Have an individual or couple observe you in your office as you lead the premarital session for a couple. Naturally you need to have the couple’s permission. To ease any discomfort the couple might have, I have given them the freedom to ask the class members any ques ons they would like, and the class must respond. You may want to do this in your session as well. 2. Conduct your premarital counseling in front of all those being trained. Be sure to leave me for analysis of the session with your group. It may be helpful to tape-record the sessions so that you can refer to specific situa ons or issues if needed. 3. Use the series of video training tapes tled “Helping Couples Resolve Marital Conflicts.” This is a series of actual marital sessions with couples, and the counseling is conducted by this author. There are two videos for each session. One contains selected scenes from the session, which are le open ended so that those watching can respond to ques ons in their par cipant’s manual. Once they have viewed all of these scenes, you can present the second video, which contains the complete session together with the counselor’s responses. Though this series is on marital counseling, it will also help the par cipants learn about the counseling process.3 As noted in chapter 2, the premarital program at Grace Community Church in California uses lay couples for much of its premarital counseling. The church’s approach in training the couples is similar to the program just described. The couples are instructed in a class se ng and have the opportunity to observe six sessions of actual premarital counseling. Class members are trained to counsel both on an individual and group basis. This is encouraging to see and hopefully mul tudes of churches, large and small, will begin to employ more lay people in their counseling ministry. Once the reading, listening, and observing has been completed, you can make your selec on of those you would like to have minister to engaged couples. I would encourage you to give them one couple at a me un l they become more proficient. It is important to schedule some sessions where all the lay helpers can meet together with you to discuss their cases and concerns. Supervision is a necessity un l those conduc ng the counseling are comfortable and have refined their skills.

MANDATORY COUNSELING

The pastor-counselor must educate the congrega on concerning the pastor’s policy of premarital counseling task; this educa on process could take a full year. Through the pulpit, classes, the church newsle er, and the bulle n, the pastoral staff has the opportunity to educate the congrega on concerning the importance of marriage and the family and to describe in detail what is covered in premarital counseling. People in many congrega ons have expressed the wish that premarital counseling had been available to them years before. Maintain Requirements On the other hand, some will resent a mandatory program and will threaten to go elsewhere for their wedding and perhaps even find another church home. That is their choice. If they so decide, the pastor should not allow himself to be manipulated and pressured into lowering his standards. Too o en it has been too easy to be married within the local church. A couple must be willing to take me to adequately prepare for marriage. Through a consistent program such as this, the community and the people in the congrega on will come to a deeper level of respect for the ministry of the church. It is also true that a pastor may have fewer weddings under his new policy. But those he does have will be significant. Robert Dulin, Jr., expressed this standard in his excellent address at the Congress on the Family in 1975 when he said, “Pastors should refuse to sell the birthright of their ministry to nurture marriages for the po age of conduc ng a wedding. The church’s ministry is not to conduct weddings. Its ministry is to nurture marriages, before marriage and during marriage. If couples cannot make a commitment to nurture their marriage prior to the event, then the church should say we cannot have your marriage solemnized here.” Some board members or rela ves of members of the church may ask for a special dispensa on in the case of their own young person. A son who is home on leave from the army for a week wants to get married; a couple where there is a pregnancy wants a quick and quiet wedding. Many other unique circumstances will arise. Couples involved in these situa ons are usually in even greater need of counseling and prepara on than the ordinary couple, and they too should complete the total program of premarital counseling. Part of the process of educa ng the congrega on will be to give periodic reminders about the steps involved in scheduling a wedding at the church. Couples should consider star ng their counseling at the me of engagement or, in some cases, prior to engagement. It is best to conduct the counseling no later than four to six months before the wedding. There are two reasons for this. One is that the counseling lasts six to eight weeks, since the sessions are a week or ten days apart. The second reason for star ng counseling early is that the wedding date is not put on the church calendar when the couple first calls the church. The pastor waits un l he feels that he favors the marriage and that he can conduct the wedding: at that point the couple can go ahead and set the date on the church calendar. That may occur

a er two sessions or, for some, a er five. A couple may ask to have a date on the calendar held for them, with the clear understanding that this does not cons tute se ng the date officially Evaluate the Couple Undertaking the counseling does not automa cally ensure the couple that the wedding will be performed. The pastor will have several criteria to use in making this determina on. (They will be discussed later.) With that approach, couples will soon learn to make their plans well in advance. That has advantages for the en re church. If several churches in a community would adopt this approach, couples would soon begin to see how deeply the church values the marriage rela onship and how important the prepara on is.

MARRIAGE INVOLVING A NON-CHRISTIAN Most pastors ask two common ques ons concerning standards in marrying couples who have come for counseling: Do we marry just Chris ans, or do we become involved with non- Chris ans? What about those who have been divorced? A pastor will have two Chris ans coming to be married, two non-Chris ans, and one Chris an and one non-Chris an. One cannot assume that just because two believers are involved the marriage should occur automa cally. A Chris an profession alone is not sufficient. And that is what the premarital counseling is all about—making that determina on. A counselor should strongly advise a couple to postpone the marriage if they are immature, have unrealis c expecta ons about marriage, have low mo va on to complete the assignments during counseling, and cannot adapt or change. Some couples might be urged not to marry at all. A counselor also should consider several ques ons during the evalua on. Here are several to help a counselor establish criteria for marrying or not marrying. Are any legal requirements being violated, such as license, consent of parents for minors, health test, or wai ng period? Are any of your own church requirements being ignored? Do these persons give frivolous reasons for wan ng to get married? Is one (or both) entering marriage under duress? Are they so immature mentally and emo onally that they do not understand the meaning of the vows or give reasonable promise of fulfilling them? Are there indica ons that they do not intend to fulfill their marriage vows?

Are there any serious mental, emo onal, physical, or other handicaps that might endanger their marriage? Have those been adequately understood, accepted, and dealt with insofar as possible? Is there such marked personality incompa bility that the need for psychological tes ng is indicated? Some pastors favor a brief preliminary session with the couple to discuss their spiritual life. Whether this is done prior to the onset of the actual premarital counseling or during the first session is up to the individual counselor. The Scriptures clearly forbid the uni ng of a believer and an unbeliever in marriage (see 2 Cor. 6:14); this would be the standard for refusing to perform the ceremony. As a couple comes for the interview where this informa on is shared, the pastor’s response in love and concern and his high regard for the scriptural teaching could make an impression upon the unbeliever so that the door for discussion remains open. This is an opportunity for evangelism. Yet if one does make a response at this me it is important to spend me with the person to eliminate the possibility that it was a pseudoprofession designed to get the pastor to conduct the wedding. It is very difficult to judge mo ves. The pastor dealing with a premarital conversion should engage the person in a thorough discussion of the meaning of a commitment to Christ. He should watch for external evidence that indicates a change of life. If a person does respond to the claim of the gospel, he or she should be guided into a group that will assist him or her in the Chris an life. In many such cases the wedding date, if it is rela vely close at hand, might be postponed in order to let the new convert grow in the faith. That growth is especially important for men because of the biblical concept of the leadership role of the Chris an husband. If both partners are at a similar level in their Chris an walk it is easier for them to grow together and study together. The pastor should be sa sfied that both the man and the woman are believers in Jesus Christ. The biblical standard must remain the guide for the church. Wayne Oates vividly summarizes the church’s posi on: Marriage under the auspices of the church is an ins tu on ordained of God, blessed by Christ’s presence, and subject to the instruc on of the Holy Spirit. This is what is meant when a church says it will not “join any person together other than as God’s Word doth allow.” If there is any other standard, the church is consciously yoking two people together unequally. The Chris an experience of regenera on is a necessary prerequisite for a congrega on’s par cipa ng in a Chris an wedding through the ministry of its pastor. God has not promised that even a Chris an marriage will be free of tribula on. However, when a church joins couples together apart from the Chris an faith, it shares the responsibility for any future failure of the marriage for the very

reason it did not communicate the redemp ve transforming love of Christ at the me of the wedding. One very real objec on can legi mately be raised here. Some people say that a pastor and a congrega on can marry a couple, even if one or both may not be Chris ans, with the hope that by being kind at this point, by doing things they may want it to do, it will have an opportunity later to win them to Christ. However, being kind to people does not necessarily consist of doing what they want done. It may even be the deepest sod of unkindness. Furthermore, there is always suspicion of the wisdom of the man or woman who marries with an eye to “reforming” the mate. If this is true of the couple’s individual rela onship to each other, it certainly is true of the rela onship of the pastor and the church to them. When a church offers the services of its pastor with a view to the couple’s being changed at some later date, it forthwith misrepresents reality to the couple.4 Pastors are divided over the ques on of what to do for couples when both claim to be unbelievers. Such a couple seeks a church wedding not to reflect their commitment to Christ but because of sen ment, status, or because the church represents the place to be married. Some pastors agree to perform this service for a couple, ac ng more as an agent of the state than as a minister of the gospel. The ceremony is usually held in the pastor’s study and does not involve a regular church wedding. The content of this ceremony includes only what is necessary to fulfill the law. Yet it seems that this func on could be performed by a jus ce of the peace. The pastor’s me should be commi ed to bringing people to Christ and building strong, enriched marriages; me available for weddings should be reserved for believers. A Chris an wedding involves vows taken before God, scriptural teaching and references that pertain to Chris ans, a blessing and benedic on from God upon the husband and wife, a me of tes mony to their faith in Christ, a commitment to build their marriage upon biblical teachings, and a me of celebra on and praise. It should also be a me when those who a end the celebra on are asked to uphold the couple in prayer and encouragement. Is it possible that nonbelievers could honestly go through this type of ceremony? Could a pastor honestly lead them through it? When unbelieving couples ask for a wedding, those reasons can be clearly and lovingly explained. The pastor could also suggest that they con nue mee ng to explore together the meaning of the Chris an faith. Some will respond, but some will never return; they will seek a place where their request will be honored. If a couple remains and professes faith in Christ, then the process of Chris an growth begins, and a wedding is a possibility in the future. In an ar cle en tled “Church Weddings Are Not for Everyone,” Pastor Grant Swank, Jr., expressed his philosophy: I will not perform the wedding ceremony for persons who are not, both by profession and by prac ce, Chris ans. Because of this, I have been regarded by some as a strange sort of clerical animal, unkind at best, cruel at worst. Yet no ma er what the reac on, my convic ons are firm.

How did I reach this posi on? Partly through the realiza on that a very large percentage of the marriages I had performed had ended in divorce! At the outset of my ministry, I married any couple who asked me to do so. I counseled them before the wedding. Courtesies were exchanged among all concerned. The manners were well polished both in the study and in the sanctuary. However, o en something disastrous happened a er all the hoopla died down. As

me passed—in some cases only a brief me—the vows and prayers of the ceremony were forgo en, and the marriage crumbled. This happened me and me again among those who had li le or no real spiritual commitment to begin with. I was pressed to the conclusion that I was wrong in officia ng at a wedding of two unbelievers. The more I thought about it, the more it seemed a charade. Was I called of God to perform marriages for people in the house of the Lord when those persons had not commi ed their lives to the Lord? Was I to say prayers for two people who did not pray? Was I to read passages from the Bible to a bride and groom knowing full well that they did not intend to build their home upon that Bible? Was I to ask these two people to u er their promises in the presence of Jesus when they did not regard Jesus as the Lord of their lives? Was I to conclude the ceremony by earnestly beseeching God’s blessing upon their new life together when they were not founding that life on the rock of salva on? They gave the Almighty only a nod of a en on day in and day out: but on their special day, I, the man of God, was to call forth heavenly bea tudes upon their future. Enough of this, I decided. I was being used. God was being used. The church and the truths the church stood for were being used. What the couples wanted out of it all was the beauty of the sanctuary, the noble sound of the organ, the dignified image of the clergyman, the luxury and respectability of a “church wedding.” What if I allowed a person to be bap zed, knowing full well that he did not profess Jesus as Saviour? What if I told the congrega on that anyone could receive communion, whether or not he was commi ed to Christ? What if I accepted into church membership anyone, no ma er what he thought about the doctrines of the body of Christ? I would be asked to leave my pulpit. The governing session of the congrega on would not stand for a minister with such a loose regard for those things held sacred. Yet I could go on year a er year performing weddings that apparently were li le more than hollow recita ons of me-honored words. My conclusion jelled when I reread in a new light the plain words of Second Corinthians 6:14: “Do not be mismated with unbelievers. For what partnership have righteousness and iniquity? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?” (RSV).* I realized that I had been partner to “misma ng.” I had joined light with darkness. And I had more mes than not joined darkness with darkness.

Now when I perform a wedding, it is a me for genuine rejoicing in the Spirit of God. All persons gathered in the sanctuary know that the two being brought together are dedicated to the Lord. What a glad me it is, and what a peaceful me for me, the officia ng clergyman! My prayers are sent to God with a new sense of earnestness. The Scriptures are read to the worshipers with the knowledge that the bride and groom have grounded their lives upon the Book. The vows are taken with the understanding that God is entering as a third party into those promises. And my conscience is clear before all concerned…. Some fellow ministers ask if I am missing witnessing opportuni es because of my policy. But I do have an opportunity to witness. When asked to marry a couple, I invite them to come for a talk. When we meet I confront them with the forgiveness and new life that Jesus offers, asking them if they will become disciples of the Lord. At that moment the encounter with God is established. If they respond nega vely, then I kindly state that I can go no further, for my first obliga on is to see that they are saved. If they refuse that salva on, then I cannot in good conscience proceed. If they respond posi vely, then I congratulate them, pray for them, give them a Bible and Chris an literature, tell them of the mes of our church services, and invite them to a end. And I tell them that six months hence I will be glad to perform their wedding if they are s ll living daily for Christ, are ac ve in the church, are spending me in prayer and Scripture reading. The divorce rate keeps on increasing. One out of three marriages in the country ends in divorce (two out of three in California). But according to a study cited by Billy Graham, one out of forty marriages ends in divorce when parents a end church regularly, and only one out of four hundred ends in divorce when both parents with their children a end church regularly and maintain family devo ons. I have a feeling that I am on the right biblical track—for the good of the people, the good of sound doctrine, and the good of my own conscience. And the marriages performed since I adopted this policy will bear me out.5

MARRIAGE AFTER DIVORCE We cannot leave this chapter without facing what some have called a dilemma. What are the guidelines to follow when faced with a couple of whom one or both have been married and divorced? One concern should be with the person’s rela onship to Christ and his or her Chris an walk. Another concern should be with the previous rela onship. The discussion should determine whether all past ma ers have been se led biblically There are many views today concerning divorce and remarriage. Some take the posi on that there is no biblical basis for divorce or for remarriage. However, it does appear from certain passages that divorce is permissible in some cases, and if so, remarriage would also seem to be accepted. It is difficult to obtain all the facts concerning the previous marriage situa on, but the pastor ought to try to determine whether the divorce occurred according to biblical grounds, if there were a empts at reconcilia on, if the divorced person is bi er or forgiving, and so on.

If a person states that the spouse was the one at fault, the one who did the chea ng, it is s ll important to ask, “Can you think of any way in which you might have had some responsibility in the demise of the first marriage?” or, “In what way do you feel that you contributed to the problems?” It is rare that only one person is at fault. Other ques ons to ask are: What would you like to be different in this second marriage, and how will you make this difference? What did you learn from the first experience that will benefit you in this new rela onship? If one or both have children, spend me exploring their understanding of the process of child rearing from a biblical perspec ve. Philosophies of discipline usually conflict; the counselor can provide sugges ons for handling the situa on. (See chapter 14 for specific ideas.) As a pastor interviews a person or a couple considering marriage a er divorce, the following ques ons should be considered: What is the level of spiritual maturity of each individual? What is the evidence of the presence of Christ in their rela onship? Were those people Chris ans at the me of the divorce (one or both), or have they become Chris ans since the divorce? What effect has divorce had upon them in terms of their rela onship to Christ? Has the person undergone some type of counseling or therapy during the first marriage or since that me? I strongly recommend that the divorced person completes a divorce recovery program before entering a new marriage. (Other issues and strategies for counseling a couple when either partner is divorced are discussed in detail in chapter 14.) Is the couple capable of making a marriage work financially? The man’s financial commitments to the first marriage may jeopardize the second. Finances undermine many marriages. What do they see as the church’s response to their marriage, and what are they seeking in terms of their future life in the local church? Again Wayne Oates summarizes the church’s posi on: If a couple have become faithful Chris ans and have demonstrated their change of heart and life since they have been divorced, a church will be hard put to refuse to marry them without placing its teaching concerning divorce above its doctrine of regenera on. Especially is this true if these people are deprived of a Chris an wedding and at the same me awarded the privileges of church membership and of holding posi ons of leadership in the church. The wisdom of an earlier Episcopal ruling is s ll valid: a couple is required to wait at least one whole year a er the date of the legal decree of divorce before remarriage. This ruling prevents a couple from “by-

passing” the grief process of the previous marital break-up and from hastening into a premature rela onship that may have been one precipita ng cause of the previous marital collapse.6

NOTES 1. See Siang-Yang Tan, “Lay Chris an Counseling: The Next Decade,” Journal of Psychology and Chris anity, vol. 9, no. 3 (1990), pp. 59–65. Published by the Chris an Associa on for Psychological Studies, this issue is vital for ar cles on preparing and training lay people to conduct premarital counseling, and it contains helpful bibliographic references. 2. The Marital Assessment Inventory is available from Chris an Marriage Enrichment, 17821 17th St., Suite 290, Tus n, CA 92680. 3. The videotape series “Helping Couples Resolve Marital Conflict” is available from Chris an Marriage Enrichment in Tus n, CA. 4. Wayne Oates and Wade Rowa , Before You Marry Them (Nashville: Broadman, 1975), p.34. 5. J. Grant Swank, Jr., “Church Weddings Are Not for Everyone,” Chris anity Today, August 27, 1976, pp.26-27. Copyright by Chris anity Today 1976 and used by permission. 6. Oates and Rowa , Before You Marry Them, pp. 38–39. *Revised Standard Version

CHAPTER 7 Resources for Premarital Counseling

In this recommended counseling program, the couple must agree to complete the assignments given during the me of training. Several books, tapes, and tests are used in the assignments. Many books could be used; each counselor will probably have certain volumes that appeal to him. In this handbook I outline a curriculum that specifies four books for the couple, one addi onal for the man and the woman, and two audio tape series. Significantly, the counselor will benefit greatly by being widely read in the area of marriage and family, as some books are more applicable for one couple than for another. When the couple comes for the first session it is vital that they be told that they will probably spend fi y to sixty hours of work outside the sessions. They should look over their schedules and arrange me for study and discussion. That is another reason the actual counseling should take place well ahead of the wedding, for wedding prepara ons could end up taking precedence over the counseling and its homework.

CONTENTS OF THE SESSIONS

Prior to the ini al session, the counselor should give three individual tests to the couple, who also should write out ten indica ons as to “Why this is the me of my life to marry” and “Twelve specific reasons why I want to marry this person.” These must be completed and sent back to the church or person conduc ng the premarital counseling. None of the tests or the wri en work is to be discussed by the couple. The three tests that we use are the Family History Analysis, the Taylor-Johnson Temperament Analysis,® and the PREPARE II Inventory. In addi on to the tes ng, which is an essen al part of the premarital process (sessions 2 to 5 are spent discussing the results of the tes ng), each couple will study books and tapes as part of the requirement. Each person will read and complete the workbook Before You Say I Do and So You’re Ge ng Married. If this is a remarriage, the book Before You Remarry would replace Before You Say I Do. Each person will need a copy of each book. In addi on, each will read the book How To Speak Your Spouse’s Language by this author. One copy is sufficient per couple. This book lays the groundwork for learning to speak a partner’s language. The man will also read If Only He Knew, by Gary Smalley, and the woman will read my Understanding the Man in Your Life. I also ask the couples to read two chapters from The Mystery of Marriage—“Love” and “Wedding Vows”— and to share a summary of what the chapters said to them. These are the basic books needed. In many cases the counselor may choose addi onal resources based upon the results of the Taylor-Johnson Temperament Analysis test. The couple should listen to the tape series on sexuality by Dr. Ed Wheat, “Before the Wedding Night.” They also listen to Larry Burke ’s series on finances, “Your Finances in Changing Times.” This last series is very extensive and contains six tapes. I usually have the couple use this series a er the sixth session of premarital counseling and give them two months in which to work through the tapes. This actually extends the process of premarital counseling. All couples purchase their own books, but we do loan them the tape series. The counseling pastor also should have the books and tapes accessible at the church, including several sets of the tapes. And it is essen al that you, the counselor, read the books and listen to the tapes prior to seeing any couples in order to properly discuss the material with them and answer their ques ons. In addi on to the couple’s purchasing the books, you may want to include an amount in the wedding service fee to cover tape breakage and loss as well as the cost of the various tests. (PREPARE II costs $21.00 per couple. Approximately $1.00 for the Family History Analysis and $2.00 for the T-JTA would cover your own costs for those tests.) One series of video tapes suitable for classes or to send home with the couple is called “Before You Say I Do.” Produced by Evangelical Films, the series features four speakers: Tim and Beverly LaHaye on sexuality, Larry Burke on finances, and this author on the specific issues of marriage. All of the books, tapes, and videos are available from Chris an Marriage Enrichment, 17821 17th St. Ste.# 290, Tus n, CA 92680.

The chart “Premarital Assignments” shows the recommended content and prepara on for six premarital sessions. The seventh and final session occurs nine months to a year a er the wedding. During this marital evalua on and enrichment session I ask two ques ons of each partner, which I believe is all that is needed to use the me effec vely. The ques ons are: What are the most posi ve experiences you have had during the first six months of marriage? Where have you had the greatest difficulty during the past six months?

EVALUATION INSTRUMENTS The Family History Analysis The Family History Analysis (FHA) is the newest tool to be used in premarital prepara on.1 This eight-page fill-in form is designed to help couples become aware of how the families from which they have come will influence their own style of marriage. Each person brings to his or her own marriage a model of marriage; marital dreams, expecta ons, a tudes, and behaviors are not innate. Some will tend to repeat the pa ern of their parents’ marriage. Others will exercise energy and effort in trying to prevent their parents’ marital dynamics from infiltra ng their own. Thus they tend to behave and react in the opposite manner. The counselor should give the FHA to the couple prior to the first session; they return it to the minister or counselor at session one so that he will have an opportunity to read through the form and indicate significant items. At the conclusion of the first session he returns the forms to the couple so they can discuss those items before the second session. O en much of the content of the second session will involve informa on derived from the FHA. The value of this form is that it will help couples become aware of their past and how it might affect their future. It will assist them in gaining the freedom to develop their own style of marriage.

Family History Sec on. Here is a por on of the instruc ons for using the FHA Family History Sec on. 1. Upon receiving the FHAs, prior to the ini al session with the couple, read over each one from beginning to end carefully and note any outstanding features. Then compare the two to note similari es and differences. Note that you are looking for their percep on of posi ve and nega ve responses of their parents—How might these feelings affect their response to their new spouse and his/her parents? What type of expecta ons do they have because of their rela onship with their own parents? A man or woman might desire parental similari es within their spouse. This expecta on, however, could lead to conflict. Some may purposely choose a partner who has characteris cs opposite those of their parents because of a nega ve rela onship. Or they could choose someone with similar nega ve characteris cs as a parent with the hope of reforming this person. 2. Pa erns of emo onal expression and communica on in the past can affect this new rela onship—expecta ons both nega ve and posi ve will need to be explored. 3. Parents’ expecta ons for a son’s or daughter’s life goal may have an influence upon whom one chooses, such as their con nuing educa on, where they live, etc. Do parents have goals for them? Have the goals been fulfilled? How strong are the parents’ expecta ons that these goals be a ained? What are the individual reac ons to the goals? These are a few of the ques ons or issues which may need to be discussed.2 Birth Order Considera ons. It is important to note the number of brothers and sisters and the individual’s own posi on in the family order. Was he the oldest, youngest, or middle child? Was he the oldest of brothers or sisters? If they were the youngest, were the others brothers or sisters? For example, if the man is the oldest child and had three younger sisters and the woman was the oldest child and had younger brothers, how might that affect the marital rela onship?

Or suppose the woman was the oldest sister with younger brothers and the man was the youngest child in his family, and had older sisters. How will that affect the marriage? One theory holds that sibling posi on can be looked upon as a role that a person has learned in the family and has the tendency to assume in situa ons outside of the family These roles may be quite similar or modified. That theory is discussed in detail in Family Constella on, by Walter Toman (Springer Publishers) and in a newer book, Birth Order Roles and Sibling Pa erns in Individual and Family Therapy, by Margaret M. Hoopes and James M. Harper (Aspen Publishers). Though the concept remains only theory, it does warrant considera on, especially in establishing a marital rela onship. For an example of how birth order characteris cs can affect adjustment in marriage, see Hoopes and Harper, Birth Order Roles and Sibling Pa erns, pages 35–43. Knowing the birth order of a person is helpful in understanding his or her tendencies, or “his peculiar bent.” The birth posi on can affect the rela onship to his/her partner. For instance, consider what happens when (as it o en does) a firstborn marries a secondborn. A secondborn, whether male or female, is o en difficult to describe or generalize about. So o en, her lifestyle is determined by her percep on since she plays off the firstborn. The tendency is to be the opposite of the firstborn. She could be a pleasant pleaser or an antagonis c person, a controller or manipulator, a vic m or a martyr. Secondborns have good emo onal antennae. They are able to iden fy the emo onal needs and feelings of others. As they interact with others they tend to be tender, sensi ve, and caring. Quite o en they act on feelings and intui on rather than facts. They pick up subtle messages that others fail to no ce. Since they are usually not as structured as firstborns, secondborns are freer in their interpersonal rela onships. They might even ask inappropriate ques ons, or give too much informa on. They are o en more concerned about ge ng the job done correctly than a firstborn and focus on the details. In a task se ng they will also pick up the emo onal undercurrent and respond to that. O en they tend to add stability to a rela onship by their tendency to adapt easily to another’s style of responding. In the communica on process a secondborn individual will tend to zero in on implicit messages, feelings, and process more than actual content. This can be frustra ng if one is married to a person who focuses on the apparent and obvious bo om-line content. But don’t be surprised if this same person responds totally to feelings at one me and then deals with facts to the exclusion of feelings at yet another me. Secondborns tend to draw close to others quickly in contrast to the firstborn. Because they are adept at picking up subtle emo onal cues, they are alert to the in macy needs of other people. Their intui on level helps them know what others are experiencing, o en before the other person is even aware. They are good at sensing but have difficulty transla ng it clearly into factual statements. They need more assistance from others with intellectual in macy. It helps if their partner engages them in factual intellectual conversa ons. They can develop into even

be er communicators by becoming more explicit verbally and by not assuming that others understand what they know and are thinking. What happens if a firstborn and a secondborn marry? Both have the ability to talk about facts, so this level of communica on will func on well. They can both communicate on thoughts, interpreta ons, and ideas. Some mes, though, when a secondborn is responding emo onally, and the firstborn factually, they will talk past one another. Firstborns can help their partners when they are too engrossed in emo ons. Secondborns can encourage their partners to become aware of the emo onal side of life, which they tend to overlook. Some mes firstborns become so involved and independent in what they are doing that their spouses may feel rejected and le out. Firstborns do well in a marriage when their partner confirms that they do their tasks well. They also appreciate knowing that they do well in social situa ons. It is important for secondborns to make sure their messages, expressions of encouragement and approval, are crystal clear and obvious. Firstborns don’t do well with subtle es. A secondborn spouse needs to know his partner values him and that he is important in the marital rela onship. Both obvious and subtle messages get through to the secondborn. Both firstborns and secondborns tend to feel responsible for their original families. This could cause difficul es within the marriage. Secondborns tend to bring more unresolved emo onal issues with them into their marriages. If these issues con nue unresolved they may begin to resurface in the marriage.3 This is just one way in which to consider differences and assist the couple in their future rela onship. If you are interested in exploring birth order differences further, for the most detailed analysis available see Birthorder Roles and Sibling Pa erns, by Hoopes and Harper. Another highly informa ve book is Were You Born for Each Other? by Kevin Leman. The parents’ history. The parents’ history sec on on the Family History Analysis is very helpful in understanding influences and a tudes of each person. The sec on will explore seven areas: 1. The economic history and future expecta ons. Some individuals desire a different economic lifestyle and others a similar pa ern. How will this affect the marriage? 2. The happiness ranking of the parents’ marriage and the personal rela onship with either parent. As you note the results, focus on the factors that made these rela onships this way. What influence will these have upon the new marriage? 3. Birth posi on in the family. The posi on among brothers and sisters can be significant, as stated earlier.

4. Decision making, influence, and style of nego a on. What are their feelings about the familiar style? How will this affect their own marriage? What changes do they desire? How will they bring about a change? 5. Similari es and differences. Are the similari es or differences desirable? What if their partner changes in the future? What are their feelings about the changes? 6. Descrip ve adjec ves. The adjec ves can indicate a posi ve or nega ve self-concept. Note if they stand out as unique or different in rela onship to others that they compare these adjec ves to. What types of people do they feel most comfortable with? How do they respond to others with these characteris cs? 7. Dependency on parents. Is there an indica on of dependency? If so, in what area, and how will this affect the marriage? Listed on the following page are a few of the actual ques ons from this form so that you may see how it can be used. “Family History—Father and Mother” is an excerpt of some of the actual ques ons from this form and shows how the counselor can promote discussion of the family history. Here are some sample responses I have received on the FHA. Some people will give the counselor detailed and elaborate responses. This gives insight into their thinking and expression style as well as their personality.

1. List what you feel are the posi ve quali es of your father. My father believes in people. He trusts God’s hand in all things. His family has always been his priority in life, and his faith has been strong in the Lord. He is not influenced by outward circumstances, and does not give in to materialism and nega vity easily He has stood fast in God and the church. He is emo onal, loving, gentle, caring, and suppor ve in other peoples’ cares, desires, needs, and problems.

FAMILY HISTORY—FATHER AND MOTHER I would like to know about your father. (If you have a stepfather, please describe the one you feel closest to or the one you regard as your father.)

1. List what you feel are the posi ve quali es of your father. 2. List what you feel are the nega ve quali es of your father. 3. Describe how you feel about your father. 4. What emo ons does he express openly and how? 5. Describe how you and your father communicate.

6. Describe the most pleasant and unpleasant experiences with your father. 7. What was/is your father’s goal for your life?

In making decisions or solving interpersonal conflicts, people use different styles of nego a on for handling conflict. Please indicate the style of each family member by placing a check mark in the appropriate column.

Who managed the finances in your family? Describe how your mother and father demonstrated affec on to one another and to you.

______________________________________________ 2. List what you feel are the nega ve quali es of your father. A bit too trus ng at mes. Maybe a li le too emo onal about some prac cal issues. At

mes materialism plays a prac cal part in the human life. My father disregards the prac cal applica ons which may become a disadvantage for himself as well as the family. Nevertheless, his commitment to his faith prevents him from capitalizing on earthly/human opportuni es. 3. Describe how you feel about your father. I am not in agreement as to his human and prac cal decisions. Not happy with his commitments at mes. Feel sorry for missed opportuni es, benefits, and advantages. However, I am fully sa sfied with his commitment to God, his commitment to his family, his decisions of compassion, goodwill, support, and care. I am proud of my father for his efforts and achievements in adverse condi ons. I am very sa sfied as to how he taught us to love the Lord and make God, church and family our priority. 4. What emo ons does he express openly and how? He displays love, care, concerns, ambi ons, desires, and also some nega ve feelings of anger, subordina on, stubbornness, fears, insecuri es, misunderstandings.

5. Describe how you and your father communicate. We argue points and issues. We talk freely. We assist each other by supplying needs and wants. We compliment each other for a job well done, for accomplishments, for our a tudes to others. We work to reach common goals and objec ves. We argue our disagreements. Don’t be surprised if you receive some brief and simple responses, such as the following: 1. List what you feel are the posi ve quali es of your father. Strong-willed, determina on. 2. List what you feel are the nega ve quali es of your father. Closed mind, set in ways. 3. Describe how you feel about your father. Have no rela onship now. 4. What emo ons does he express openly and how? Shows love by buying or doing. 5. Describe how you and your father communicate. Talking to arguing. Below are the responses from a woman in her twen es. Needless to say, the substance of her responses changed the direc on of the premarital counseling. It’s not uncommon for a person to be drawn to someone similar to a parent with whom they have an unfulfilled rela onship. Her fiance, unfortunately, was much more controlling, angry, and dogma c. A er three sessions and a three-month wait between the third and fourth session, the woman began to recognize what was not so obvious to her before and broke off the rela onship. What do her responses tell you about herself, her rela onships, and future problems? 1. List what you feel are the posi ve quali es of your father. —Is dependable —Willing to provide for family —He’s organized and intelligent 2. List what you feel are the nega ve quali es of your father. He’s impa ent, insensi ve, cri cal, easily angered, has a harsh tongue, and is overly hard- working at the expense of neglec ng his family. 3. Describe how you feel about your father. I appreciate all he has provided for me, but I resent the way he treats my mother. He yells at her in public, even in front of my friends, and is always ridiculing her.

4. What emo ons does he express openly and how? He expresses frustra on and anger by cri cizing my mother all the me. At the dinner table he always finds something to complain about. 5. Describe how you and your father communicate. We only communicate about trivial things and rarely get down to gut feelings or emo ons. I no longer share very many things with him at all about my fiance since I know he does not share my joy He usually likes to talk about business, and I usually don’t even understand what he’s talking about. 6. Describe the most pleasant and unpleasant experiences with your father. I’ve never enjoyed being with my father. I can only think of one pleasant memory. 7. In what way is your fiance similar and dissimilar to your parents? My fiance is like my father in that he is very stubborn and authorita ve. He is unlike him in that he has a completely different pa ern of thinking, has more pa ence. He does not take his frustra ons out on me. He also has a temper, but it usually comes out when he sees others viola ng what he considers to be Chris an principles, not out of selfishness. The Taylor-Johnson Temperament Analysis The major test used in premarital counseling is the Taylor-Johnson Temperament Analysis® (T-JTA).* The American Ins tute of Family Rela ons has given this test to more than 70,000 couples over the years, and thousands of other counselors and ministers have used it extensively. It is used for individual, premarital, marital, and family counseling, business and industry placement, placement of Sunday school teachers, evalua on of counselors for Chris an camps, and assessment of college and seminary students. The test requires between thirty and forty-five minutes to complete. The profile derived from the test is very readable; lay people can understand it readily. Norms for the test are available for high school, college, and adult ages. It is important to remember that a minister must take a training course in order to qualify to administer and work with the test. Many seminaries give that training. Numerous one-day seminars are conducted throughout the United States that qualify ministers and counselors to use this test. For informa on regarding a seminar in your area write to Chris an Marriage Enrichment, or to the test publisher, Psychological Publica ons (5300 Hollywood Blvd., Los Angeles, CA 90027). The T-JTA can be used with individuals, couples, or families. The test manual states that the T-JTA “is designed primarily to provide an evalua on in visual form showing a person’s feelings about himself at the me when he answered the ques ons.” But it also reflects who the person is over a longer period of me as well. Although the T-JTA is not designed to

measure mental abnormali es in psychiatric terms, it does provide measures of temperament and personality pa erns with sufficient validity and reliability for emo onally normal couples in a developmental-educa onal premarital counseling context. It can also assist in iden fying persons who might benefit from more individual or marital counseling. The T-JTA manual is thorough and complete. The T-JTA itself is available in two levels of difficulty, the regular edi on, at the eighth-grade reading level, and the secondary edi on, at the fi h-grade reading level. It is available in Braille and is published in a number of foreign languages (Spanish, German, French, Taiwanese) with appropriate norms. Before the couple comes for their first counseling session, they are asked to take the test. They may pick up the forms at the church office, or the forms may be mailed to them. The counselor goes over the instruc ons with them before they take the test. Each one takes it twice. The woman takes it as she sees herself, and then as she sees her fiance. He takes the test as he sees himself and then as he sees her. This criss-cross tes ng provides invaluable informa on on each person’s percep on of himself or herself and of the partner and saves several hours of counseling. A er the use of the T-JTA criss-cross in premarital counseling, the typical response of couples is that they have gained great insight regarding themselves and their partner. The scales are comprehensive, yet easily understood and quite descrip ve in their presenta on of informa on. One of the dis nct advantages of this tool is the readability of the profile. The shaded areas on the profile are designed to provide immediate informa on to the couple about traits that relate to successful and unsuccessful rela onships. Since many emo onal problems, such as uncontrolled anger, depression, worry, lack of empathy, or a low self-image, are at the heart of numerous marital problems, it is crucial to take an intense look at the emo onal areas. On the following pages are four profiles of a married couple, Richard and Helen Brown (not their real names). The first two profiles show the scores for themselves; the final two display the criss-cross. Look at the profiles, no ng the nine traits and their defini ons and the four shaded areas (from “excellent” to “improvement urgent”). Study the areas of difference in which Richard and Helen both have strengths and weaknesses. These areas could be problem areas between them as well. By having the test returned to you before the couple’s first session, you will have me to score the forms before you meet with them. Even though you do not go over the results un l the individual sessions, you may want to probe into certain areas of their lives or rela onships in this first session because of what the tests have revealed. It is essen al that anyone using the T-JTA be properly trained and follow the specific guidelines in interpre ng and presen ng back the results. The Premarital Personal and Rela onship Evalua on Another helpful tool is the Premarital Personal and Rela onship Evalua on, known as PREPARE II. This scien fically developed instrument is designed to assess the personal and

rela onship strengths and problema c issues for couples. It has been designed as a diagnos c tool for professionals working with premarital couples in either educa onal or counseling programs. PREPARE II is a 125-item procedure that assesses a tudes and personal issues in twelve areas: Communica on Conflict Resolu on Sexual Rela onship Financial Management Realis c Expecta ons Religious Orienta on Equalitarian Roles Family and Friends Children and Marriage Personality Issues Leisure Ac vi es Idealis c Distor on The computer results can be readily obtained and include a seven- to ten-page analysis, which is easily interpreted. Results are returned within one week from the me they are received.4 PREPARE II results provide individual (male and female) scores and couple scores for each of the twelve categories. Individual percen le scores and revised percen le scores that correct for an individual’s “faking good” are provided. Couple agreement and disagreement scores are provided to indicate poten al strengths and problema c areas for couples. Both individual and couple scores are compared with con nually updated norms based on all couples who have taken PREPARE II.

Also listed are all the disagreement, special focus, and indecision items. The en re sentence and couple scores are fully printed for each of these items. A counselor’s manual describes how to interpret and use the computerized results with couples. Fowers reported posi ve findings in his study “Predic ng Marital Success and Divorce Using Prepare.” Here is his summary of PREPARE’s validity: To test the predic ve validity of PREPARE, this study was conducted to assess how well PREPARE scores could predict couples who are happily married from those who were unhappily married, separated or divorced. These couples had been married an average of 2 years and took PREPARE about 3 or 4 months before marriage. PREPARE proved to be very accurate at predic ng marital success in these couples. Using PREPARE scores (individual, posi ve couple agreement and background), it was possible to predict with 86% accuracy those couples that eventually got divorced and with 78% accuracy those couples who were happily married. The average predic on rate for both groups was 81%. The PREPARE categories that were most predic ve of marital success were: realis c expecta ons, personality issues, communica on, conflict resolu on and religious orienta on. Couples who had rela onship strength (scored high) on these categories had a higher probability of being happily married and those who had these as work areas (scored low) had a higher probability of being unhappily married. Another significant finding was regarding pre-marital couples who took PREPARE and later decided not to marry. About 10% of the couples who took PREPARE eventually decided to delay or cancel their marriage. In comparing these couples with the unsuccessful and successful groups, it appears that couples who delayed were very similar to those who later got divorced and very different from those that were happily married.5 The following are descrip ons of the areas PREPARE will evaluate. Idealis c Distor on. This category is a modified version of Edmonds (1967) Marital Conven onaliza on Scale. This scale has been well validated and correlates highly with other scales that measure the tendency of individuals to answer personal ques ons in a socially desirable direc on. Since premarital couples tend to be highly idealis c, this scale is intended to assess the degree to which individuals a empt to present themselves in a highly favorable and o en exaggerated way. Moderately high scores iden fy individuals who are responding in a way that presents a favorable impression of their rela onship. Ques ons are extreme and therefore reflect a tendency that in all likelihood permeates the en re inventory and must be carefully a ended. Realis c Expecta ons. This category assesses the ra onal quality of an individual’s expecta ons about marriage, love, commitment, and rela onship conflicts. The intent of

these items is to ascertain the degree to which expecta ons about marriage rela onships are realis c and grounded in objec ve reflec on. Low scores would suggest that individuals are too roman c or idealis c in their percep on of marriage. In general, moderately high scores in this category reflect realis c expecta ons about rela onship issues. Personality Issues. This category assesses an individual’s percep on of the personality characteris cs of his partner and the level of sa sfac on or dissa sfac on with that percep on. Items focus on traits such as sense of humor, temper, moodiness, stubbornness, jealousy, and possessiveness. Respondents also disclose personal behaviors and a tudes related to demonstra on of affec on, smoking, and drinking. Moderately high scores in this category are intended to reflect personal adjustment to partner and approval of partner’s behavior. Equalitarian Roles. This category assesses an individual’s beliefs and feelings about various marital and family roles. Items include occupa onal roles, household roles, sex roles, and parental roles. Individuals respond to these ques ons and reveal informa on about their sa sfac on with assuming par cular role behaviors. There is an implied bias in the scale toward equalitarian versus tradi onal role behaviors. For that reason, moderately high scores would reflect flexibility and sa sfac on with equalitarian role posi ons. Moderately low scores would reflect a more tradi onal role posi on and may or may not be problema c for the couple. Communica on. This category is concerned with an individual’s feelings, beliefs, and a tudes toward the role of communica on in the maintenance of marital rela onships. Items focus on the ability of respondents to express important emo ons and beliefs, the ability to listen to one’s partner, the ability to respond appropriately in certain situa ons, and on the style or pa ern of communica on that exists between partners. Moderately high scores reflect an awareness of the communica on skills necessary to maintain a rela onship and an ability to use them. Conflict Resolu on. This category assesses an individual’s a tudes, feelings, and beliefs toward the existence and resolu on of conflict in rela onships. Items pertain to strategies used to end arguments, sa sfac on with the way problems are resolved, and the openness of rela onship partners to recognize and resolve issues. Moderately high scores reflect realis c a tudes about the probability of rela onship conflicts and sa sfac on with the way most problems are handled. Financial Management. This category focuses on a tudes and concerns about the way economics are to be managed in the family. Items assess the tendencies of individuals to be spenders or savers, the care in which financial decisions on major purchases are made, and decisions regarding the person or persons who will be in charge of specific financial ma ers. Sa sfac on with economic status and responsibility for money management is indirectly assessed. Moderately high scores reflect sa sfac on with financial management and realis c a tudes toward financial ma ers.

Leisure Ac vi es. This category assesses each individual’s preferences for spending free me. Items reflect social versus personal ac vi es, ac ve versus passive interests, shared

versus individual preferences, and expecta ons as to whether leisure me should be spent together or balanced between separate and joint ac vi es. Moderately high scores reflect compa bility, flexibility, and/or consensus about the use of leisure me ac vi es. Sexual Rela onship. This category assesses individual feelings and concerns about the affec onate and sexual rela onship with the partner. Items reflect sa sfac on with expressions of affec on, level of comfort in discussion of sexual issues, a tudes toward sexual behavior and intercourse, birth control decisions, and feelings about sexual fidelity. Moderately high scores reflect sa sfac on with affec onate expressions and a posi ve a tude about the role of sexuality in marriage. Each partner indicates his level of agreement to each of the 125 statements using the following scale: (1) strongly agree, (2) moderately agree, (3) neither agree nor disagree, (4) moderately disagree, (5) strongly disagree. The computer printout clearly shows areas of disagreement as well as the couple’s overall scores. The following three charts depict a sample printout of the overall scores and their comparison with the norms, and point out special situa ons and personality issues between the counselees.6

PERSONALITY ISSUES ***DISAGREEMENT ITEMS*** The full 13–15 page printout gives the disagreement, indecision, special focus, and agreement for each of the 11 categories (but not for idealis c distor on). 8. M = 4. F = 2. There are mes when I am bothered by my partner’s jealousy 115. M = 5. F = 2. At mes I think my partner depends on me too much. 125. M = 4. F=l. Some mes my partner is too stubborn. ***SPECIAL FOCUS ITEMS*** Although “special focus” items are agreement, it should be noted that they are agreeing to things that may be problems in their rela onship. 24. M = 2. F = 2.

At mes I am concerned that my partner appears to be unhappy and withdrawn. 30. M = l. F = l. I wish my partner would smoke and/or drink less. 78. M = l. F = 2. It bothers me that my partner is o en late. The Meyers-Briggs Type Indicator Another instrument that is widely used is the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. The MBTI is an easy-to-use instrument that classifies individuals in one of sixteen personality types. This reflects an individual’s preference in how they perceive informa on and make decisions. It also shows their preferred orienta on to life and preferred ways of dealing with people, ideas, schedules, and the world around them. The results are presented in posi ve terms that emphasize the strengths of each individual type and the ways in which each person can be er understand and build and encourage others. It does not measure possible emo onal differences as does the T-JTA. The MBTI can be used to iden fy differences and assist others in personal growth, making decisions, enhancing rela onships, and increasing organiza onal effec veness. It can be used in individual, premarital, marital, and family counseling. According to the theory behind this test, every person is born with a predisposi on for certain personality preferences. There are four pairs of preference alterna ves. In each category a person is either: Extroverted or Introverted (EI) Sensing or Intui ve (SN) Thinking or Feeling (TF) Judging or Perceiving (JP) Furthermore, the theory proposes that each person develops a preference early in life and s cks with it. The more one prac ces those preferences—inten onally or uninten onally— the more they rely on them with confidence and strength. That does not mean we are incapable of using our nonpreferences from me to me. In fact, the more we mature, the more our nonpreferences add richness and dimension to our lives. However, they never take the place of our original preferences. So, an extrovert never becomes an introvert, and vice versa. Here are some descrip ons of the first three preference alterna ves:

Extroversion/introversion (E/I). The extrovert derives s mula on from the environment, the outer world of people and things. The introvert’s s mula on comes from within, the inner world of thoughts and reflec ons. Everyone uses both a tudes, but one is usually preferred and be er developed. Some characteris cs are: Extrovert Energized by other people and external experiences Acts, then (maybe) reflects Is o en friendly, talka ve, easy to know, outgoing Expresses emo ons Needs rela onships Gives breadth to life Introvert Energized by inner resources, internal experiences; exhausted by too much contact with people Reflects, then (maybe) acts Is o en reserved, quiet, hard to know Tends to bo le up emo ons Likes privacy Gives depth to life E’s may seem shallow to I’s; I’s may seem withdrawn to E’s. Extroverts use both E and I, but prefer E. Introverts use both E and I, but prefer I. In our society, there are approximately three extroverts for every introvert. Sensing/Intui on (S/N). These are known as “perceiving func ons,” as they describe two ways of perceiving or taking in informa on: sensing and intui ng. With sensors, the sensing func on takes in informa on by way of the five senses: sight, sound, feel, taste, and smell. Seventy percent of our society are sensors.

In contrast, 30 percent of our popula on are intui ves, processing informa on by way of a sixth sense or hunch. Both ways of perceiving and taking in informa on are used by everyone. But one is usually preferred and be er developed. Some people have one that is very highly developed whereas others are quite close with each one. Some of the characteris cs are: Sensing Looks at the parts and pieces of something Lives in the present, enjoys what’s there Likes to handle prac cal ma ers Prefers things that are definite, measurable, tangible Starts at the beginning, taking one step at a me Reads instruc ons and no ces details and thinks everyone should Likes set procedures, established rou ne Intui on Likes to look at pa erns and rela onships Focuses on the future, an cipa ng what might be Prefers to imagine possibili es, speculates Likes opportuni es for being inven ve Tends to jump in anywhere; by-passes some steps Skips direc ons, follows hunches Likes change and variety Sensors may seem too materialis c and literal-minded to intui ves; intui ves may seem fickle, imprac cal dreamers to sensors.

Sensing types use both the sensing (S) and intui ng func on (N), but prefer S. Intui ve types use both S and N, but prefer N. Thinking/Feeling (T/F). These are known as “deciding func ons,” as they describe two different ways of deciding or evalua ng. The thinking func on (T) decides on the basis of logic and objec ve considera ons. The feeling func on (F) decides on the basis of personal subjec ve values. Both ways of deciding and evalua ng are used by everyone, but again one is usually preferred and be er developed. Some of the characteris cs are: Thinking Decides with the head Uses logic Has a concern for truth, jus ce Sees things as an onlooker, from outside the situa on Takes an overall, long-range view Spontaneously finds flaws and cri cizes Good at analyzing plans Feeling Decides with the heart Goes by personal convic ons Concerned for rela onships and harmony Sees things as a par cipant, from within a situa on Takes an immediate and personal view Spontaneously appreciates; is more rela onship oriented

Good at understanding people In rela onships with each other, T’s may seem cold and condescending to F’s; F’s may seem fuzzy-minded and emo onal to T’s. Thinking types use both T and F, but prefer T. Feeling types use both T and F, but prefer F. This is the only gender-related preference in which two-thirds of American males are T’s and the same number of women are F’s.7 Preferences can affect a rela onship many ways. Let’s consider da ng. Sensors are usually very realis c about dates. They see the other person for what he or she is. Remember: they’re not necessarily impressed with a lot of phoniness or poten al. Intui ves are different. For them, most of the date takes place in the mind. Their imagina ons are rich; o en their percep ons or dreams of the date are more exci ng than what actually transpires. A sensor fantasizes, but a er the fact. A er an ini al encounter, for example, they’ll imagine what the next encounter will be like—they can imagine all sorts of exci ng things, but it is all grounded in reality. It’s based upon what did in fact transpire on the preceding date. But for an intui ve, facts only ruin their fantasies. For sensors, an exci ng date is one that involves all those senses—the two people ideally look good, smell nice, taste good food, hear nice music, feel cozy, and so on. It’s through the five senses that the da ng experience happens. For intui ves, it is through their sense of poten ality rather than reality that they experience a date. In some ways, the date is far more fantasy than fact. Sensors and intui ves approach dates very differently. For a sensor, the date doesn’t begin un l the two par es get together. For an intui ve, the “date” may begin as soon as the arrangements are made, even if that is many weeks in advance. The resul ng fantasies of what could happen may reach the point of obsession. First dates tend to be conversa on-intensive, allowing tastes, personali es, and images to emerge. A sensor is more comfortable talking about concrete things: people they’ve known, events they’ve experienced, things they’ve seen, places they’ve been—and the specifics on all of the above. In contrast, an intui ve is excited by conversa ons that involve their dreams, visions, and beliefs. Time is always a poten al sensing-intui ve problem. If an event starts at 8:00 and it takes twenty minutes to get there, at 7:50 a sensor will become frustrated at the possibility of being at least ten minutes late. Time is much more flexible for the intui ve. “Events usually start late,” they think. Let’s consider the thinking and feeling func on in regard to da ng. You will find that there will be more T men a racted to F females. As a rela onship evolves into a more in mate experience, this preference will be the one that can create major problems. Thinking types

want to understand in macy; for them, it is a state of being analyzed, mastered, and fine- tuned. Feelings types simply want to be in mate. The result is that thinkers may seem rather cold and aloof at mes. And they may dislike being pushed to experience the in macy their feeling partners are enjoying. T’s can feel the emo ons exis ng inside them; they must intellectually face those emo ons before they can share and express them. A thinker’s need for understanding begins with the first date and con nues throughout a rela onship. It is important for a thinker to define expecta ons clearly: “Are we going to be just friends, or do we have expecta ons beyond that?” For a thinker, even “I love you” is subject to further discussion. For feelers, all this analysis merely defeats the whole purpose. Even if it is only a one- me date, they feel, just “being together” is sufficient. The more you’re together, the more the rela onship develops on its own. They live with the phrase “Your heart will tell you.” Their responses tend to be mushy and vague, and that’s comfortable for them but not to a T For a feeler, “I love you” speaks for itself. It needs no further discussion. Let’s follow a married T and F couple to their first wedding anniversary. Picture it—the end of a fairly normal first year—whatever that means. The man thinks there are several possible ways to celebrate their first anniversary. He may suggest to his wife one of the following: “Our marriage is quite good. Let’s leave well enough alone. We’ll go out to dinner and a movie a erward.” “The year has gone pre y well. So we can improve what’s already good. Here are some ques ons to help guide our development. Let’s spend the evening evalua ng and celebra ng.” “Our anniversary conflicts with my So ball playoffs, so we’ll have to celebrate it on another date.” To any of these sugges ons, a feeler’s response is the same, “How cold! Obviously he doesn’t care enough.” A feeler knows the first anniversary is the most important of all. (For feelers, the first of almost anything is important—the first kiss, the first date, the first vaca on, etc.) The anniversary, for the feeler, must be significant, experien al, cozy, warm, expressive, roman c, and meaningful. If the thinker fails to appreciate these factors his wife will interpret it as “You don’t love me.” Perhaps you can see how important it is for you to clarify these differences for a couple in your premarital sessions. Since marriage involves so much decision making, looking at this func on illustrates how differences hold the poten al for conflict. Decisions are influenced by a person’s values. But for a thinker and a feeler, those values are arrived at very differently:

For a thinker, it’s a very objec ve experience. It shouldn’t be involved in emo on. The more important the decision, the more objec ve one must be. The head must rule. For a feeler, decision making is a very subjec ve experience. You have to pay special a en on to the people and issues involved. The more important the decision, the more carefully you must consider extenua ng circumstances. Your heart must be the decision maker.8

COST OF COUNSELING SESSIONS One final area must be noted: the cost of counseling. Is there any charge when it is done at the church? What would it cost if the couple went to a professional marriage counselor? In answer to the second ques on, it would cost a couple between $300 and $400 for the prepara on. Most churches do not charge for counseling. However, the wedding service fee usually pays for church use, u li es, janitorial service, and other expenses. A number of churches have begun to include an addi onal seventy-five or eighty dollar fee to cover the cost of counseling. That money pays for the books that the pastor gives to the couple as well as the PREPARE Test. It is important for the couple to own the books. Many have stated that a er they were married they reread the books, which took on a new meaning for them. The fee also pays for the tes ng materials used by the couple and several series of tapes used in the counseling ministry. This cost is minimal when compared to some of the items in the actual wedding, which do not have any las ng value. One final word about resources. Before proceeding with the ministry of counseling, the pastor or lay person must be totally familiar with the tapes, books, tests, and other materials to be used. It may take several weeks of study, but that in turn enhances the ministry of marital prepara on. In addi on to reading the books already men oned, a pastor or counselor will benefit greatly and add depth to his counseling ministry by reading the following books. Remember that these authors hold various views, and you will not agree with everything they say. That will be beneficial because it will cause you to think and to examine your beliefs.

BIBLIOGRAPHY Beck, Aaron T. Love Is Never Enough. New York: Harper & Row, 1988. Wright, H. Norman. Seasons of a Marriage. Ventura, Calif: Regal, 1983. Lederer, William, and Don Jackson. The Mirage of Marriage. New York: Norton, 1990. Swindoll, Charles. Strike the Original Match. Portland, Oreg.: Multnomah, 1980.

NOTES 1. The Family History Analysis is copyrighted by H. Norman Wright and available through Family Counseling and Enrichment, 17821 17th St., Suite 290, Tus n, CA 92680.

2. H. Norman Wright, Instruc ons to Family History Analysis (Tus n, Calif.: Family Counseling and Enrichment, 1981), p. 1. 3. Margaret M. Hoopes and James M. Harper, Birth Order Roles and Sibling Pa erns in Individual and Family Therapy (Rockville, Md: Aspen, 1987), pp. 100–102, adapted. 4. Scoring is completed at PREPARE/Enrich, PO. Box 190, Minneapolis, MN 55440. For more informa on, call their head office at 1–800-331-1661. 5. Blaine Fowers, “Predic ng Marital Success and Divorce Using Prepare,” Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 12:4 (1986): 403–13. 6. PREPARE charts are used by permission of PREPARE/Enrich, Minneapolis, Minn. 7. This discussion of the differences among types is adapted from O o Kroeger and Janet M. Thuesen, Type Talk (New York: Doubleday 1988), pp. 23–48. 8. Kroeger and Thuesen, Type Talk, pp. 122–40, adapted. *Taylor-Johnson Temperament Analysis and T-JTA are registered trademarks of Psychological Publica ons, Inc.