Premarital Effectiveness

Wright, N. (1992). The Premarital Counseling Handbook. Chicago, IL: Moody.

CHAPTER 1

Marriage Today

The wedding service is about to begin. Three hundred people are crowded into the sanctuary with an air of expectancy. A popular couple from the church is about to commit themselves to one another for the rest of their lives. They have gone together for the past three years and seem so ideally suited for each other. Ever since they were in their early teens many people have said this couple seem des ned to be together. They are intelligent, expressive, capable, involved in the ac vi es of the church, and each has a stable family background. Who would think that just four years later this couple would meet in a courtroom to finalize the details of the dissolu on of their marriage? Divorce happens. It has happened to a couple you know. Perhaps you even officiated at their wedding ceremony. It’s painful for everyone involved. The loss of dreams, hopes, and expecta ons has a las ng effect not only upon the couple, but on their families and everyone involved in their ini al coming together. Marriage is the closest bond that can occur between two people. That was God’s original intent. But who is really prepared for the demands of living together in such a way that needs are met, dreams are fulfilled, harmony is a ained, and God is glorified through their rela onship? Very few. Someone needs to help couples of all ages enter marriage with a greater opportunity for it to last and for each partner to be fulfilled. It is safe to say that the church and its pastoral staff is the last agency to make an impact upon marriage and divorce today. Marital breakup is so frequent, even among Chris an couples, that it appears to be an accepted part of our society Even cartoons reflect this a tude. The a tude toward marriage today was revealed in the office of a marriage counselor when a young woman said, “When I got married I was looking for an ideal, but I married an ordeal, and now I want a new deal!” A recent cartoon in the Los Angeles Times pictured a pastor performing a wedding. Instead of the usual “ ll death do you part,” he said, “ ll divorce do you part.” This is not en rely unreal. Another cartoon shows a minister performing the wedding ceremony for a couple and he is saying, “And do you, Mary, take Jim to be your husband, to have and hold, love and cherish, un l things get a li le tough, you get burned out, and split?” S ll another recent cartoon shows a couple in a pastor’s office working out the wedding vows and the woman is saying, “And finally, we’d like to change the ‘un l death do you part’ sec on of our vows to ‘substan al penalty for early withdrawal.’ ”

This past year a Los Angeles paper ran an adver sement for a wedding chapel in Reno, Nevada. The ad read, “Marriage Discount $22.00, includes wedding service, music, witness, casse e recording of ceremony, marriage scroll, parking.” Unfortunately this reflects how li le thought and prepara on are given to one of the most important events in a person’s life. What is happening today with marriage and divorce? Family life is changing. Only 25 percent of the households are “tradi onal” anymore—two parents with children. There are as many single-person households as there are tradi onal. The age for first marriages is significantly higher than it once was—26 for men, 24 for women. This last fact is healthy for marriages since marrying too young contributes to divorce. The divorce rate for our country has leveled off and, because of the delay of age of marriage, the rate may actually drop during the nine es. Within California, the divorce rate varies radically from county to county In Los Angeles County there were 41,326 licensed marriages and 32,011 confiden al marriages in 1989 for a total of 73,392 marriages. There were 42,088 divorces that year. But in Orange County 3,888 licensed marriages and 6,079 confiden al marriages took place, totaling 9,967. There were 16,123 divorces for the same year.1 Confiden al marriages may take place when a man and woman have been living together and marry without first procuring a marriage license or obtaining and filing health cer ficates. This means they do not have to take a blood test and AIDS test, and the woman does not undergo the test for rubella. To be married, they are required to go through a ceremony of solemniza on by a person authorized to solemnize marriages and to complete a special marriage cer ficate. The cer ficate is mailed to the county clerk and kept there as a permanent confiden al record. The original purpose of this law was to encourage persons living together, perhaps having had children, to legalize their rela onship by allowing them to do so with a minimum of publicity and embarrassment. But it appears that many see it as a short cut to having a public ceremony And it runs counter to the purpose of the physical exam and blood tes ng, which were originally ins tuted for the protec on of the couple. The concern over the status of marriage and the family has been with us for many years. A pioneer in the field of counseling, Carl Rogers made the statement: To me it seems that we are living in an important and uncertain age, and the ins tu on of marriage is most assuredly in an uncertain state. If 50–75 percent of Ford or General Motors cars completely fell apart within the early part of their life mes as automobiles, dras c steps would be taken. We have no such well organized way of dealing with our social ins tu ons, so people are groping, more or less blindly, to find alterna ves to marriage (which is certainly less than 50 percent successful). Living together without marriage, living in communes, extensive child care centers, serial monogamy (with one divorce a er another), the women’s libera on movement to establish the woman as a person in her own right, new divorce laws which do away with the concept of guilt—these are all groping toward some new form of man-woman rela onship for the future. It would take a bolder man than I to predict what will emerge.2

MARRIAGE AS SCHOOL, AS SPACE VOYAGE

Marriage is one of God’s greatest schools of learning—it can be a place where a husband and wife are refined. The rough edges are gradually filed away un l there is a deeper, smoother, and more fulfilling working and blending together that is sa sfying to both individuals. But this takes an incredible amount of me, energy, and effort. In his book The Mystery of Marriage, Mike Mason describes the marital journey in a unique way: Marriage partners may be thought of as the astronauts of society—the daring explorers who do all the test flying in a sort of ongoing experiment in the most radical fringes of human rela ons. Naturally there are many crashes, many casual es in this stratosphere of in macy. It is a most dangerous profession, and one with a high rate of burnout. It is demanding, draining, and o en dreary work, and unlike space explora on the rewards it offers do not seem very glamorous. There will be no cker tape parades for the good wife or husband, and most couples actually have a tendency to avoid the very aspects of their work which do offer the greatest rewards. Par cularly are they prone to resent all the me that they must “waste” with one another, and a er the first year or so of marriage they begin to have great difficulty believing that the lavish interpersonal extravagance which characterized their courtship might actually s ll be allowed, let alone be a necessary or glorious thing. Accordingly, great amounts of energy are channeled into other concerns, into friendships and social life, into careers, into the raising of offspring (godly or otherwise), into every conceivable cause except the cause of marriage itself. For what possible prac cal use could there be in con nuing that systema c and unrelen ng invasion of privacy which is the heart and soul, the rocket fuel, of a loving rela onship? Everywhere else, throughout society, there are fences, walls, burglar alarms, unlisted numbers, the most elaborate precau ons for keeping people at a safe distance. But in marriage all of that is reversed. In marriage the walls are down, and not only do the man and woman live under the same roof, but they sleep under the same covers. Their lives are wide open, and as each studies the life of the other and a empts to make some response to it, there are no set procedures to follow, no formali es to stand on. A man and a woman face each other across the breakfast table, and somehow through a haze of crumbs and curlers and mortgage payments they must encounter one another. That is the whole purpose and mandate of marriage. All sorts of other purposes have been dreamed up and millions of excuses invented for avoiding this central and indispensable task. But the fact is that marriage is grounded in nothing else but the pure wild grappling of soul with soul, no holds barred. There is no rulebook for this, no law to invoke except the law of love. So while marriage may present the appearance of being a highly structured, formalized, and tradi on-bound ins tu on, in fact it is the most free and raw and unpredictable of all human associa ons. It is the outer space of society, the wild fron er.3

DREAMS VERSUS REALITY

As most couples move toward marriage, their sense of reality is distorted by wishfulness and fantasy. Once they are husband and wife, this intense roman c illusion can neutralize posi ve developments in their marriage. Unrealis c expecta ons and fantasies create a gulf between the partners and cause disappointments. Each person in the rela onship can create such detailed fantasies that neither the other partner nor the rela onship has any chance for survival. Many marriages today are like the house built upon sand—they have been built upon a weak founda on of dreams. When we dream our minds do not have to dis nguish between reality or fantasy, so we are able to create without restraint. O en, therefore, our dreams are star ng points for successful endeavor. However, dreams that are not followed by adequate planning usually do not come true. Marriages built on dreams are risky because dreams do not consider the disappointments and changes that are inevitable in every marriage. When the season changes and the rains of reality and the winds of stress blow upon such marriages, the rela onship that should hold them together crumbles. Much more is involved in fulfilling dreams than merely expec ng them to come true. Mason describes marriage’s blunt reality in this manner: To be married is not to be taken off the front lines of love, but rather to be plunged into the thick of things. It is to be faced, day in and day out, with the necessity of making over and over again, and at deeper and deeper levels, that same terrifying momentous and impossible decision which one could only have made when one was head-over heels in love and out of one’s mind with trust and faith. This is not resigna on to a fate, but the free and spontaneous embracing of a gi , of a challenge and a des ny. Is it any wonder if people cannot take the pressure? It is a pressure that can only be handled by love, and in ever-increasing doses. Marriage involves a con nuous daily renewal of a decision which, since it is of such a staggering order as to be humanly impossible to make, can only be made through the grace of God.4 Building a good marriage means a person must take me to redefine roles, beliefs, and behaviors and nego ate the differences with his/her partner. Money, me, power, family tradi ons, friends, voca ons, and use of space in the home are just a few of the issues that need to be nego ated. A newly married couple needs a spirit of adventure, because ge ng married to a “stranger” means that there are going to be a lot of discoveries. What if one is a night person and the other is a morning person? One is talka ve in the morning and one at night? Perhaps one likes to be babied when he or she is sick while the other hides illness and wants to be le alone. Or one likes the room at 78 degrees and the other at 68 degrees. Maybe one wears a set of underwear for three days; the other changes it twice a day. One uses a towel once and discards it; the other uses it for a week. These are just a few of the prac cal day-to-day items that can

drive a couple crazy. The spirit of adventure will help the couple realize, “We’re different and that’s OK.” Perhaps this dilemma is best expressed this way: “A marriage is not a joining of two worlds, but an abandoning of two worlds in order that a new one might be formed.”5

WHY MARRIAGES FAIL Here are four usually uniden fied reasons that marriages dissolve. First, one or both persons fail to understand the stages and changes of individual development—the seasons of their lives— and how these affect their marriage. Many women experience an iden ty transi on around thirty and experience a mid-life transi on in their late thir es or early for es, as do men. Second, people have an inadequate basis upon which they build their personal iden ty and security. Too many build their iden ty on performance, perfec onism, or appearance, and these eventually fade. The best basis for marriage comes from the one who ins tuted marriage in the first place; but for too many, the teachings of God’s Word have not been incorporated in depth into their lives, transforming both their iden ty and their security. Third, people come to marriage with either unresolved issues between them and their parents, or they come from dysfunc onal families, and this intrudes upon their marriage. Fourth, some marriages dissolve because the partners were never prepared for marriage and because their expecta ons about marriage were totally unrealis c. David Mace, a pioneer in the field of marriage enrichment, describes this lack of prepara on: When I try to reconstruct, in counseling with couples, their concepts of the making of a marriage, I find that it adds up to a most confused hodgepodge of starry-eyed roman cism, supers on, superficial concepts, and laissez-faire. Seldom do I find any real understanding of the complexity of the task of bringing two separate individuals into a delicately balanced coordina on of each other’s thoughts, feelings, wishes, beliefs, and habit pa erns.6 What happens if a couple marries at the start of their transi on from adolescence to adult? They find themselves learning to separate from their parents, trying out the new adult world, and adap ng to a spouse all at the same me. Some mes early marriage (ages seventeen to twenty-two) contributes to difficul es with parents, and the partners end up retaining some of their childish quali es. The new husband and wife may both feel extra strain at this me because they are both emerging. This is why early marriages have such a high risk. These young adults may have had li le experience in forming peer rela onships with members of the opposite sex. One mate may become a tool to help the other relinquish the rela onship with his/her parents and become an adult.

GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT

No ma er at what stage a couple enters marriage, they will have issues and conflicts to resolve. Both the man and woman must con nue to develop personally as well as together. They can no longer rely upon their society, culture, family, or even their commitment to their faith to keep their marriage together. Marriages receive less outside support today than they used to because of the change in values, culture, divorce laws, and an emphasis upon selfishness and individualism. Greater effort and commitment on the part of each are needed. Couples also must develop a strong commitment to two primary marriage concepts in Scripture: fidelity and permanency A las ng rela onship is more possible if both partners con nue to grow and develop. If the husband uses his wife to further the a ainment of his dream and in the process she loses her own dream, her growth will be s fled and eventually both will be disappointed. For example, a medical student marries and his wife supports him for years in the pursuit of his dream. She forgoes her own advancement, educa on, and intellectual development. Soon children arrive. He is into his eighty-hour-a-week prac ce and becomes acquainted with a woman who is freer, less restricted, and more intellectually s mula ng than his wife. He decides to change partners. Or a man may choose to marry only because in his profession a family man is more acceptable. In this case he may see wife and children as necessary accessories. Some mes a marriage rela onship hinders the pursuit of a man’s dream. His wife may have no interest in his dream and may even prevent him from a aining it. Her own dream may be complementary, different, or antagonis c. Any of these condi ons can affect the success of the marriage. If a woman sees herself exclusively in the tradi onal roles of wife and mother, she may derive her iden ty from her husband and what he does. She sees her husband as her protector and turns her whole being over to him. She con nues to support his dream as long as he gives sufficient a en on to her and their family, and as long as she feels needed by him and their children. She probably believes that men are a racted primarily to physical beauty and helplessness. But as she ages, her physical a rac veness may fade and her husband may grow weary of her “helplessness.” By her thir es and for es she may be needed less and less by her husband and family, and she may be forced to seek out her own iden ty. If a woman has been overly dependent on her husband and decides to change, her husband may feel threatened, especially if the change costs him something. He accepts it be er if it benefits him. She could begin to believe that her husband is the obstacle to her growth. Actually, it may just be that he is not giving her the encouragement she desires from him. It is not uncommon for a woman in her late thir es or early for es to experience an iden ty crisis. She may become disillusioned with her tradi onal role; she may resent her caretaker husband. If she decides to develop some independence and pursue a career, she may face a number of obstacles. Job availability may be limited. Or if she finds a job, she may find the role of both career woman and homemaker a strain. Some women are fearful of the feelings of compe on and power within them that have lain dormant for so many years. Accep ng these

and using them in crea ve ways, both within the home and in a career, can be a freeing experience.7 But no ma er what age a person marries, he or she will find certain difficul es—as well as a great many advantages—in adjus ng to married life. It is our task in premarital counseling to help people in advance. In the midst of developing their own personal lives, a man and a woman marry. The roman c idealism eventually turns to the ques on, “Will we make it together?” Great expecta ons and hopes are mixed with fears, anxie es, and surprises. A host of new and unexpected events come into their lives. Those that are expected or an cipated will be handled fairly smoothly, but the surprises can be disrup ve. This is why extensive and thorough premarital prepara on with a minister or counselor is a necessity. As there are stages and phases to work through in one’s own life, there are also important stages and phases to work through in the first few years of marriage. Too many couples are unaware of these, and such premarital counseling can help them an cipate these adjustments.

TWO TASKS IN MARRIAGE The first task is to define what a wife is and what a husband is. In marriage, each must retain his/her individual iden ty while drawing close together as a couple. A marriage rela onship is meant to be a freeing-up rela onship, never a confinement. Each person is freed to develop uniqueness and spiritual gi edness in his or her own way, and join these to give the marital rela onship strength and greater poten al. This may mean breaking loose from preconceived images each one has of what a spouse should be. If couples cannot allow each other to develop, grow, and be crea ve in defining new roles, the conflict will be intense. As one person vividly put it, “Both of you will wind up drilling holes in your own marriage before it has le the shore.” A second task is to develop the roman c love of courtship into a love based upon steady commitment. Before people marry, they may be drawn to their friend because of a specific character trait that they see as a strength. But when they marry they may find that this “strength” begins to bother them. They begin to view it as a weakness rather than a strength and soon want the person to change. This character trait, however, is an expression of their mate’s personality. If it bothers a person it needs to be discussed but not a acked as a weakness. Labeling a behavior as a weakness does li le to bring about change. The love that is needed to stabilize a marriage is the type of love God displays to each of us—an uncondi onal commitment to an imperfect person. This takes energy and effort. It means caring about the other as much as you care about yourself. Krantzler describes what marital love actually means: Marital love requires the ability to put yourself in your partner’s place, to understand that the differences that divide you are the differences of two unique personali es, rather than betrayals

of your hopes and dreams. The uncondi onal willingness of each of you to understand and resolve these differences through the sharing of your deepest feelings, concerns, a tudes and ideas is a fundamental component of marital love. Postponement of your need for instant gra fica on when your partner feels no such need; sharing the struggle to triumph over adversi es as well as sharing the joys and delights of being together; nurturing each other in defeat caused by forces beyond our control and renewing each other’s courage to prevail in the face of despair; carrying necessary obliga ons and responsibili es as a flower rather than as a hundred-pound knapsack; acknowledging the everyday value of your partner in a look, a smile, a touch of the hand, a voiced apprecia on of a meal or a new hair style, a spontaneous trip to a movie or a restaurant; trus ng your partner always to be there when needed; knowing that he or she always has your best interests at heart even when cri cism is given; loyalty and dedica on to each other in the face of sacrifices that may have to be made—all of these are addi onal components of marital love that courtship knows li le about.8

WHAT KEEPS A MARRIAGE? One way in which the premarital counselor can assist couples is by telling them the facts of other successful marriages. One survey studied couples with enduring marriages to discover how marriages both survive and sa sfy those involved. In a survey of 351 couples, 300 said they were happily married; nineteen were unhappily married but were staying together for various reasons. The remaining thirty-two couples contained one person in the marriage who was unhappy Each husband and wife responded individually to a ques onnaire that included thirty- nine statements and ques ons about marriage. The couples were asked to select from the list those statements that best reflected their own marriage. The results are shown below.9 Interes ngly, the top seven reasons for what makes a good marriage were the same for men as for the women. Here are the top reasons respondents gave, listed in the order of frequency: Men Women My spouse is my best friend. My spouse is my best friend. I like my spouse as a person. I like my spouse as a person. Marriage is a long-term commitment. Marriage is a long-term commitment. Marriage is sacred. Marriage is sacred. We agree on aims and goals. We agree on aims and goals. My spouse has grown more interes ng. My spouse has grown more interes ng. I want the rela onship to succeed. I want the rela onship to succeed.

An enduring marriage is important to social stability. We laugh together. We laugh together. We agree on the philosophy of life. I am proud of my spouse’s achievements. We agree on how and how o en to show affec on. We agree on a philosophy of life. An enduring marriage is important to social stability We agree about our sex life. We have a s mula ng exchange of ideas. We agree on how and how o en to show affec on. We discuss things calmly. I confide in my spouse. We agree about our sex life. We share outside hobbies and interests. I am proud of my spouse’s achievements. The emphasis that partners place on friendship can lead to a helpful discussion with your couples. I encourage you to share this chart with them. List the characteris cs in any order on a piece of paper and have them select what they think would be the most important. Then present the results. The First Year of Marriage, by Miriam Arond and Samuel Parker, is a significant resource for both counseling and teaching. One author is a psychiatrist and the other is a former editor of a bridal magazine. The authors write: In researching this book, we contacted hundreds of men and women who shared with us their experiences of adjus ng to marriage. We spoke with newlyweds in their teens, newlyweds who are almost senior ci zens, newlyweds who married interracially and interreligiously, newlyweds who married people much younger and older than themselves, newlyweds who have children from a previous marriage and newlyweds gaining stepchildren. We found that regardless of age, reason for marrying, cultural and family background, or previous marital history, there are issues that newlyweds universally face. Inherent in the in macy of marriage are prac cal, everyday ques ons of handling money and dividing household chores, as well as such complex emo onal ma ers as trying to balance the need for closeness with the desire to maintain one’s individuality. It is, in fact, in addressing and resolving these and other issues that you establish and solidify your iden ty as a married couple.10 The authors discovered that people who enter marriage unprepared for any problems, adjustments, or disappointments o en panic when their marriage is not as it should be and end up feeling they made a big mistake. The basic difference between couples who split up early in marriage and those who stay together is o en their a tudes toward their problems. A realis c, prepared, firm biblical a tude toward life and difficul es is a founda on.

Is there a future for family life and marriage as we know it today? Definitely. The vast majority of people in our society want a stable marriage and family life. But we are compe ng with non- Chris an values that are reflected in every phase of our society. Thus, encouraging fidelity and commitment must be our con nual message. What people desire and what they end up with are not always the same. In any endeavor, having dreams and goals without concrete plans and prepara on will bring failure. That is where counselors in the church have an opportunity Imagine what would happen if each couple who married in the next ten years experienced six to eight hours of premarital counseling in their local church, as well as spending sixty to seventy hours on outside prepara on through books and tapes. This is the concept of this book. And it is already happening in many churches today.

NOTES

1. Telephone conversa on, Bureau of County Records, 227 N. Broadway, Los Angeles, CA 90012; and Bureau of County Records, 630 N. Broadway, Santa Ana, CA 92701.

2. Carl Rogers, Becoming Partners: Marriage and Its Alterna ves (New York: Delacorte, 1972), p. 11.

3. Mike Mason, The Mystery of Marriage (Portland, Ore.: Multnomah, 1985), pp. 73–74. 4. Ibid., pp. 55–56. 5. Ibid., p. 91. 6. David Mace and Mera Mace. We Can Have Be er Marriages If We Really Want Them

(Nashville: Abingdon, 1974), p. 98. 7. Material in this sec on was adapted from Maggie Scarf, Unfinished Business (N.Y:

Doubleday, 1980) and Daniel Levinson, The Seasons of a Man’s Life (N.Y: Ballan ne, 1979).

8. Mel Krantzler. Crea ve Marriages, (New York: McGraw-Hill, 1988), p. 50. 9. Jeane e Lauer and Robert Lauer, “Marriages Are Made to Last,” Psychology Today, June

1985, pp. 22–27. 10. Miriam Arond and Samuel L. Pauker, The First Year of Marriage (New York: Warner,

1987), pp. 3–4.

CHAPTER 13

Intercultural Marriages They sat in my office deadlocked. They were young, intelligent, college educated, and on their way toward successful careers. But they had just returned from a visit to his home and family; now everything seemed to be falling apart. “I am so glad we were able to visit them before we were married,” she said. “It cost a great deal financially, but I needed to know what I found out before I married him. I just assumed that everyone from his background and culture was like Jim. But his family isn’t. The culture of his

country is much more different than I had been led to believe. And Jim changed when we were there. He wasn’t the same as he is here. He seemed to pick up the characteris cs of his own culture and fit right back in again. That isn’t the man I fell in love with. Nor is it the man I want to live with the rest of my life!” June had been about to marry a man from a different culture. Fortunately, they delayed the wedding a year so that each could become more informed about the differences. Gradually they were able to work through the issues, and June eventually married her fiance. Any couple contempla ng an interracial marriage will need a greater amount of me to learn the customs of not just their future spouse, but the land from whence they came. As a counselor, what are your feelings about interracial marriages? Is it a concern? We have to face our own personal feelings on this issue. Are you aware of how to help couples entering into this type of union? Does the Bible have anything to say about interracial marriages for today? It doesn’t appear to clarify this issue. Are these marriages likely to increase in the next decade? Without a doubt! The popula on in the United States is changing and mixing much faster than an cipated. Much of the increase has occurred in the Asian popula on but even more so with Hispanics. Many of these changes have been concentrated in specific areas of the country, such as the western states and especially California. But in other states, such as Texas, Illinois, New York, New Jersey, and Florida, there has been a significant increase in the Asian and Hispanic popula on also. It is es mated that by the year 2000 more than 25 percent of all Americans will be non-white. One of every three children will be Hispanic, Asian, black, or American na ve. By the same year non-Hispanic whites will be minori es in New Mexico and California. These changes will impact every phase of society, including marriage. Premarital counseling will be extremely important. Certain states will become more of a mel ng pot than others. In the late 1970s, already about 50 percent of the marriages in the state of Hawaii were intercultural. Marriage between Chinese and Japanese became so common that not much thought was given to it.1 Years ago there were many more rules and sanc ons concerning the selec on of a life partner. The basic rule was that one marries one’s own kind. This could include color, culture, family, socioeconomic status, or even profession. But along with the other changes in our society has come the loosening of these strict standards.2 In any kind of a love rela onship couples seem to focus upon similari es to the exclusion of differences. Unfortunately, the similari es o en serve as a disguise for the extreme diversity that is also present. In the beginning stages of a courtship differences are too o en disregarded. They are seen as merely surface problems, challenges, or quali es that make the rela onship more interes ng and intriguing. But in an interracial marriage a person must discover not only what his future partner is like but a new culture as well. The new person has to be seen in light of the culture in which he or she was raised and in many cases will return to.3

MOTIVES FOR MARRIAGE

Perhaps one of the greatest concerns is mo va on. Why has this couple selected one another for marriage? Is it a mature, posi ve choice or are there other mo va ons that are propelling them toward one another? Later in this chapter you will find a list of important ques ons to consider with a couple, but let’s iden fy the various common mo va ng factors that cause some interracial couples to marry. In her excellent book Intercultural Marriage, Dugan Romano iden fies seven main mo va ng factors or types of people who will marry outside their race.4 An outcast person or personality type is one who doesn’t fit or cannot make it in his or her society for one reason or another. O en selec ng a person of another race is his a empt to find a place where he does belong or can learn to fit in. It could be he feels that his partner and new culture won’t discover that he is an outcast from his own society. Color, educa on, or inability to relate socially are some of the reasons for a person’s being an outcast. Consider this possibility as you conduct your premarital counseling with an interracial couple. Rebels exist in any society. By marrying a person from another culture they o en find freedom from what they object to in their own culture or family life. A rebel marries out of a conscious or subconscious protest against something in his own culture, which he reacts against or wants to get away from. Some rebels cross the color line, whereas others cross religious, educa onal, or even genera onal lines. But what rebels don’t consider is that the decision to rebel in this way at a par cular point in me in their life is really a lifelong commitment. A twenty-year-old who decides to protest in this way may not hold to the same beliefs of protest ten years later. But the evidence of his protest is s ll with him. As you counsel, evaluate any possibili es of rebellion through this ac on. How do other significant people in the couple’s life look upon this match? Another type of person who chooses a person from another culture is called the maverick. You may call him the nonconformist. Nonconformists usually don’t care what others think and are commi ed to “doing their own thing regardless of other people’s response.” Socially they are not rejects, but they are not much concerned about what their own cultural group thinks of their decisions. They feel comfortable in not being a part of their society, and o en they disagree with some of society’s conven onal a tudes and beliefs. Recently I was working with a fi y-seven-year-old father whose daughter fit this category He was concerned not so much about the interracial marriage that was about to occur but how their friends and families would handle the “unique” wedding service his daughter had planned. She was definitely a nonconformist in many ways but yet a gi ed and responsible individual. Her choice of lifestyle was not wrong or deviant. It was just different, and her values of what was important to her went counter to her parents’. And the more this father spent me with his European-born fiancée, the more he could see what had a racted his daughter to him. This father was on his way to developing a healthy, posi ve rela onship with his future son-in-law. Compensators are persons who feel incomplete and are on the search for someone to fill the void in their lives. The mo va on that propels them toward marriage is need—they choose someone whom they feel will give them what they need or what they lack in their lives. Many choose someone from their own culture, but those who choose a person from another culture

believe that they can only find what they need with a person who is not from their society or culture. Some compensators come from unstable family rela onships and look for a person who has a strong family background. Some come from families in which there has been no in macy and thus they end up being emo onally needy. The uniqueness and newness of other cultures can be very a rac ve to the emo onally needy Their a tude is “If my culture can’t provide me with what I need, then this other one can.” Not all adventurers marry cross-culturally, but many do if it provides them with the excitement that is characteris c of their life. Actually all who marry cross-culturally have a bit of the adventurer within them because they are willing to be different. But the true adventurer is bored with the stable and rou ne. The differences are simply challenges that add an intensity to life. But how long will the excitement last? Boredom can soon set in, and the adventurer may begin to look elsewhere. Escapists tend to marry cross-culturally, too. They marry to improve the quality of their life or to get away from life in their own country I have seen this occur with foreign students a ending college here in the United States when they discover that life here is much be er than in their homeland. But the only way to remain here is to marry a person from this country, and that becomes their goal. Many “war brides” did this during World War II, the Korean War, and the Viet Nam conflict. You may also see a person from an extremely poor background marrying someone who is quite wealthy. Most of us have heard the story of a young, a rac ve woman marrying an elderly, wealthy man. The financial mo va on may be denied, but all too o en it is real. Escapists are willing to make a trade-off by marrying in order to gain something else for their own life. Finally, there are the people who are unstable. This may be an extreme group, but it happens in same-race marriages as well as intercultural. In his book Adjustment in Intercultural Marriage, Walter F. Char talks about this in detail and cites some who marry for neuro c, sadis c, or masochis c reasons. Even though we have these mo va ons, it is important to consider the fact that an interracial couple may have some solid and healthy reasons for choosing one another. In one way or another every couple who weds is marrying a person from another culture, as discussed earlier in this book. But with an interracial couple, and especially where color differences are apparent and one comes from a different country, the adjustments will be more difficult. Part of your task will be to help the couple seriously evaluate their mo va ons for marrying one another and then to consider the cultural differences in as much detail as possible. The greater the number of differences, the more extreme and intense they are, the more difficult it will be for a couple to develop their compa ble level. It takes more dedica on, commitment, and effort for an interracial marriage to work.

AREAS OF ADJUSTMENT Most problems will not be solved easily just because the couple is aware of the differences and the reasons for them. Therefore, the counselor’s task in working with an intercultural couple is to discover if they have the capability. Culture is something that is learned early in life, and we have strong a achments to what we have learned in the areas of values, habits, and style of life. In order to make the necessary changes and adjustments, the couple must counter the strong emo onal a achments that exist.5 Let’s consider the most common adjustment areas that have been iden fied by interracially married couples. Not all couples will find these as problems and some couples have more difficulty than others handling these issues. As you read through these issues you may want to consider asking the couple what they think will be the problem adjustment areas in their marriages, and then share with them the following items: Values are very important because they tend to infuse many of the other issues involved in an interracial marriage. A value reflects what is important to the person and what may be seen as good or bad, right or wrong, important or unimportant. Values can be reflected in dress, religion, food, the way one behaves in public or when guests are entertained, and morals. Food is an issue for many Not only the type of food or the way it is cooked and eaten, but many other factors emerge as well. Consider these cultural differences. A Chinese wife may use her own chops cks to pass and serve food to family members and guests. For her, this is a way of showing respect, kindness, and in macy. But to her Japanese husband this is dirty and disrespec ul. In his own culture a person uses his own chops cks and his own bowl. In a Japanese funeral ceremony the chops cks are used to transfer the bones of the dead from the monk to the family member. The emo onal involvement in these conflic ng customs overrides the intellectual understanding of the differences.6 The Irish drink at wakes, the Japanese have ritual tea ceremonies, and Jewish sons express love to their mother through the extent of their appe te. Food issues involve what is eaten and how it is prepared, when the main meal is served, where it is eaten, and how it is eaten. Some cultures have the main meal at noon, others in the evening. Even in our country many farm people refer to lunch as dinner and the large meal is eaten at noon. This can be an adjustment for a city person marrying a farm person. Sex is an issue. Such things as contracep on, menstrua on, family honor, affec on in public, hygiene, dancing, dress, and holding hands in public all could be issues. Male-female roles will be an adjustment. Much of this will have to do with the issue of male superiority, which differs from culture to culture. In some socie es male dominance is subtle, in others it is blatant. In some cultures there is a blending of roles, whereas in others there are prescribed standards.

The use of me is yet another concern. What is late in one culture is not late in another. Some cultures are more relaxed and unhurried than our American system. Some people are used to a large meal at noon and then a nap. If a person marries and moves to his spouse’s country, he not only has to adjust to the person but to the metable of the land as well. The other main adjustment areas are where the couple lives, poli cs, friends, finances, in-laws, social class, religion, dealing with stress, illness and suffering, raising children, and language/communica on.7

Raising Children Let’s consider the last two men oned. The greatest problem faced by interracial couples is the difficulty of rearing offspring. The children typically are marginal to two different cultures. The adjustments faced by the couple in an interracial marriage can be insignificant in comparison to those faced by children of such a marriage. Dwight Small writes: Not infrequently there is a very dark child and a very light one in the same family The colored child loves the colored parent and dislikes the other. Or the parent takes to the child of the same color but rejects the other. This is aggravated when other children make fun of the fact that two children in the same family are different in color. Our cruel and compe ve culture s ll brands such children as “half-breeds.” So the crucial ques on is whether parents have the right to impose upon unborn genera ons a radical decision of their own.8 Albert Gordon states: Persons an cipa ng cross-marriages, however much in love they may be, have an important obliga on to unborn children. It is not enough to say that such children will have to solve their own problems “when the me comes.” Intermarriage frequently produces major psychological problems that are not readily soluble for the children of the intermarried. Living as we do in a world that emphasizes the importance of family and religious affilia ons, it is not likely that the child will come through the maze of road blocks without doing some damage to himself. Children may be the recipients of cruel remarks and other unpleasantness. People can be hos le and cruel, and these factors must be considered.9 Children are aware of color differences within their family by the age of three. Both white and black children tend to prefer the physical characteris cs of white children and assign more nega ve a ributes to black children.10 Many interracial couples have said that they did fine un l they had children. The child becomes the embodiment for the differences in values, family background, and any other issues that the couple has been unable to resolve by the me a child arrives. The naming of the child, the way a child is handled, schooling, ques ons of sexuality, and so forth, are involved here. Some cultures, such as the La n, Asian, Middle Eastern, and many European, are much more authoritarian than others. Others, such as North American, Scandinavian, and some island cultures are more lenient and permissive. If these two different

orienta ons mix in marriage and parenthood, there will be conflict. Punishment and discipline styles are the major conflicts over child rearing in these families.11 Nonetheless, children can be a bonding agent in an intercultural marriage, actually strengthening it. “The birth of a child frequently solidifies black/nonblack marriages when other a empts at reconcilia on have failed,” writes Fred Prinzing. He argues that as God uses children in the Scriptures to illustrate the true meaning of love, so He can use children to bind together an intercultural couple.12 And another writer disputes the argument that an interracial couple cannot bring happiness to their children. [People may agree in general that “like belongs to like,” but] there is no authorita ve evidence that an interracial home life is harmful to a child … “Like” is an extremely imprecise concept that covers a great deal more than skin color.13 Communica on Communica on and language problems do not just involve the language. In the beginning of a rela onship struggles to understand the other person are accepted and even intriguing, whereas later they become a major problem. In speaking different languages there is more possibility that the messages can be distorted or not fully understood. A posi ve word in one language may be offensive in another. A tle in one language and culture may have a much different interpreta on in another. The humor of one culture is not necessarily the humor of another culture. Language can affect the balance of power in a rela onship. Usually, the person speaking his own language in his own country (and his partner is not) has the advantage and power. The more fluent person has more influence. Gestures and body language can have different meanings. Silence means different things in different cultures. Even eye contact varies. For an Arab, trust is developed through eye contact whereas for a Japanese too much eye contact is rude and can become offensive. The distance that one stands in rela onship to another person varies. One of my graduate students was raised in Chile and would stand about six inches away from my face when talking to me. At first, I was quite uncomfortable since my personal space had been invaded. But a er he explained the difference to me and I talked to him several mes, my discomfort le and I purposely would stand close to his face. I enjoyed learning to be more flexible. In one culture characteris cs of being frank, blunt, demonstra ve, direct, probing, and aggressive are accepted. But in another they are offensive since that culture values being tenta ve, discreet, and subtle. It is true that the differences cited by interracial couples may be the same to some degree for any couple. But that is the difference—degree. They are more pronounced, more intense, more emo onally connected, and the person living in the foreign land soon begins to feel isolated, outnumbered, and lonely.14

For any pastor or counselor involved in counseling interracial couples, it is impera ve to become knowledgeable of the issues. I would recommend reading the book Intercultural Marriage: Promises and Pi alls, by Romano, and have the couple read this as well. It is both insigh ul and prac cal. Most of the couples that I have worked with eventually understood the issues and differences facing them. But it takes more me and clarifica on with such a couple than with others.

PATTERNS OF ADJUSTMENT How can the counselor help the couple work through adjus ng to their cultural differences? Several adjus ng pa erns are available. One is the “one-way adjustment” in which one person gives up his or her pa erns and takes on the pa ern of the spouse. Some cultures may be so strong and dominant that they demand that anyone coming into that culture take on its religion, food, and language. For some couples this is their only alterna ve since it is the only way to avoid conflict. But a person will never be fully able to submit or be sa sfied, because this ac on denies the aspect of a person’s iden ty, or who he really is. It may work for a while, but in me it usually breeds resentment. Some work out their difficul es through the process of compromise or alterna ves. Each is willing to give to adjust to the partner’s differences. The problem with compromise is that a person gives up something to get something, and o en the trade-off is not sa sfying. No one is fully sa sfied. I prefer the word resolve. With resolve there are tradeoffs, but sufficient nego a on occurs so that even though each person has given up something, they are pleased with the outcome. This takes me and maturity to occur. Some mes compromising means doing something one way this me and the other way the next me. Most couples end up learning to do this in their rela onship. One method that doesn’t work well is to reject all aspects of one’s culture and a empt to create your own or go to a country different from either person’s culture. This produces a significant loss for both individuals, and they come to be known as “culture-poor” couples. It’s as though each person is cut adri and has given up his or her roots. The most frequent method of adjustment is blending the two cultures. Some call this mixing, some blending, and others consensus. Naturally, this is the ideal. It involves the sacrifice of the least important issues, those that are not ed into the person’s iden ty. A sense of iden ty and rootedness is le intact. They may have conflict, but they return to the issue again and again un l there is resolu on. One of my rela ves married into a Hispanic family Their Thanksgiving holidays are unique in that they have their own turkey dinner but also eat with her family the tradi onal dinner of enchiladas. The husband’s a tude was “This can be fun and a new learning experience.” Individuals who are rigid and set in their ways will have the most difficulty adjus ng. A tude makes a great deal of difference.

Consider all of the above possibili es with your couples and let them evaluate the consequences of each and then decide whether to marry. They may not have considered all the implica ons of their choice, and this is where you may need to pose the possibili es.15

PREPARING IN ADVANCE For healthy adjustments and understanding before the marriage, the couple must take certain steps for the advance prepara on in interracial marriages. If one partner has parents living in another country, visi ng the home country is a must, whether the couple plans to live there or not. This may be financially costly, yet experiencing the home of their future partner and capturing the flavor of the culture over a two- to-three-week period of me is a worthwhile investment. It needs to be this long for the “best behavior” period of me to diminish and reality to be experienced. This will give the person an opportunity to observe family roles, male/female role allotment, meal prepara on and variety, availability of resources in the city or country, poli cal structure, a tude toward one’s own country, stability of the country, and the like. Many interracial marriages occur between people who have been reared in the same city but in different areas. This makes it easier to enter the other person’s culture for a me. Spending me with one another’s friends is important to learn about the partner’s taste in friends, his ac vi es, ways of interac ng with others, sense of humor, and his response to conflict. Studying the culture of another person through books, newspapers, movies, films, and even seeking out others from that culture can certainly add much to one’s awareness of the differences. If the couple is aware of any people in the community who lived in that culture for a while, it would be worth his me talking with such people as well. Some mes missionaries from one’s home church or denomina on who have served in that culture can be an excellent source of informa on. Sampling the other culture’s food is possible without even going to their country most of the

me. The wide variety of restaurants in the metropolitan area or having the poten al spouse cook the standard fare for that country will be helpful. If there is a language difference and the use of the different languages will con nue throughout their life, learning each other’s language will be important. I have seen situa ons arise in my own counseling where the couple can communicate, but one was unable to talk with the partner’s friends or family members. When the other person’s language is learned, then books, music, and films can become a part of learning the culture.

IMPORTANT QUESTIONS Romano offers five ques ons or issues that a counselor can raise in helping the couple consider the implica ons of their decision to marry:16 1. What was it that a racted you to each other? To what extent did each other’s foreign characteris cs play a part in the a rac on? What was intriguing about that person?

2. What needs might be propelling you toward marriage that the other person might be fulfilling? Could someone from your own culture fulfill them just as well? 3. Describe what was occurring in your life when the two of you met. When were you a racted to each other? Were there any personal or family crises occurring at that me? Were you in a school se ng that was quite favorable toward mixed rela onships? Was there a greater support system in that environment than you will have when you marry? 4. What are your feelings about the people from your partner’s culture? Who else do you know well from this culture? Have you ever spent any me in your future mate’s country or culture? What are your feelings about cultural differences? What are ten specific differences in your future mate’s culture compared to your own? 5. Ask the couple to do the following during the next week. Make a list of the eight major adjustments they will each have to make during the first five years of marriage that are based upon the cultural differences. Ask them to write out a descrip on of what their marriage and family life will be like in ten years if they lived in his culture. If they lived in her culture. In addi on, the counselor should evaluate the couple’s Family History Analysis carefully for cultural differences, strained rela onships, type of home, and so forth. Interracial marriage can be a challenge, but the counselor can help an interracial couple work toward a fulfilling marriage just like any other couple. And as with any other couple, the depth of their rela onship with Jesus Christ and a willingness to be led by God can assist them in making the necessary adjustments.

NOTES

1. Wen-Shing Tseng, John F. McDermo , Jr., and Thomas W Maretzke, Adjustment in Intercultural Marriage. (U. of Hawaii, 1977), p. 33.

2. Ibid., p. 22. 3. Dugan Romano, Intercultural Marriage (Yarmouth, Maine: Intercultural, 1988), pp. xii-xiii 4. Ibid., pp. 3–14, adapted. 5. Wen-Shing Tseng, Adjustment in Intercultural Marriage, pp. 96–97. 6. Ibid., p. 97 7. Romano, Intercultural Marriage, pp. 28–106, adapted. 8. Dwight H. Small. Design for Chris an Marriage (Old Tappan, N.J.: Revell, 1959), p. 149. 9. Albert I. Gordon, Intermarriage (Boston: Beacon, 1964), p. 354. 10. Wen-Shing Tseng, Adjustment in Intercultural Marriage, p. 67. 11. Romano. Intercultural Marriage, pp. 64–87, adapted. 12. Fred and Anita Prinzing, Mixed Messages (Chicago: Moody, 1991), p. 112. Chapter 12,

“Mixed Iden ty: What About the Children?” includes several sugges ons to help intercultural parents develop a healthy iden ty in their children.

13. “Are Interracial Homes Bad for Children?” in Marriage Across the Color Line, Cloyte M. Larsson, ed. (Chicago: Johnson, 1965), p. 68; as quoted in Prinzing, Mixed Messages, p. 111.

14. Romano, Intercultural Marriage, pp. 96–102, adapted. 15. Tseng, Adjustment in Intercultural Marriage, pp. 96–101, adapted. 16. Romano, Intercultural Marriage, pp. 3–5, adapted.

CHAPTER 14

Preparing Couples for Remarriage

Premarital counseling has become more complex because of the increased number of divorced and subsequently remarried couples. Many of the individuals or couples that come to you will be embarking on their second or third marriage. And the sta s cs regarding these marriages are staggering. We already know that one of every two marriages in our country ends in divorce, and the average length of the first marriage is only eight years. The numbers get worse the second me around. Almost four of every five divorced people remarry, yet about 60 percent of those second marriages last only five years before they, too, fail. To add to this problem, when children are involved, as many as 75 percent of remarried couples do not make it.1

THE COUNSELOR’S POSITION First of all, it is important that the counselor thinks through his/her own beliefs and feelings concerning divorce and remarriage. Here is the remarriage policy that one pastor shared with me. Malachi 2:14-16 clearly indicates God is not in favor of divorce. He wants a husband and wife to be loyal, respec ul and devoted toward one another throughout their married life together. Thus, it grieves Him and the Body of Christ when a couple decides to divorce. However, while divorce falls short of God’s standard, it is no greater sin than any other. It, like all sin, is forgiven at the Cross of Calvary through Jesus Christ’s atoning sacrifice. Through His grace God shows His compassion for the hurts of His people. The Body of Christ is a gathering of forgiven sinners partaking of the grace and healing of God. We are not perfect people with perfect pasts. We are of the band of those who have been shown grace, mercy and forgiveness. Because of this, we are to be agents of mercy and forgiveness and not judgment. We seek to uphold God’s standards of conduct with compassion and sensi vity rather than with legalism and insensi vity. Each situa on of divorce is dis nc ve unto itself and must be approached with understanding and integrity. I affirm that remarriage is appropriate in at least the following situa ons: 1. When the marriage and divorce occurred prior to salva on.

2. When one spouse is guilty of sexual immorality and is unwilling to repent and live faithfully with the other spouse. 3. When one of the spouses is a non-Chris an and willfully and permanently deserts the spouse who is a Chris an. 4. When one spouse subjects the other spouse to con nual emo onal, physical, and/or psychological abuse. Other situa ons of divorce and remarriage would need to be discussed between a couple and me in order to decide whether or not I would marry the couple. Divorcees about to be remarried are in greater need of prepara on than when they married for the first me. One would think that people would have learned something from their first marriage that would help the second one to succeed. But, unfortunately, the problems and stresses in the second marriage are so unique that what was learned in the first may not really apply or help. The reasons for the problems in the second marriage have been a ributed to money, children (his or hers or both), new in-laws, ex-spouses, and so on. But the real problem may be the fact that they are so busy pu ng out fires, they forget the importance of their rela onship as a couple. There are many forces that can undermine the couple’s closeness and togetherness. It is essen al that divorced people complete a divorce recovery program before moving into a new marriage. I’ve also found it helpful for the divorcee’s future partner who has never been married to go through the recovery program as well because it gives the person a greater understanding of what their future partner has experienced.

TOPICS FOR DISCUSSION You may need a number of addi onal sessions when you work with remarriages because of the complexity of the issues. Some ministers and counselors request one or two sessions with the children and future step-children. Group remarriage programs vary, but all should prepare the couple for the new rela onship. One strong remarriage workshop program, conducted by the First Evangelical Free Church of Fullerton, California, lasts eleven sessions and includes personality tests and a self-study en tled “Is It the Will of God for Us to Be Remarried?” Topics range from the myths of remarriage to blended family living and communica on skills. The final session features personal experiences from several remarried step-parents and advice on day-to-day problem solving. As you work with couples in preparing them for their second marriage, some special areas will require a en on. And you may need to bring these up since so many couples do not an cipate these problems. Comin suggests eight issues that the remarrying partner must consider.2 The counselor can raise these topics during the sessions:

Past pa erns of rela ng. Ask the partner these ques ons: How did you relate to your first spouse? What were the construc ve ways and what were the destruc ve ways? What have you learned about yourself since your divorce? A person must realize that a destruc ve pa ern in a first marriage will emerge in the second unless effort has been made to iden fy the pa ern and deal with it. Respec ng one’s past. Every person who remarries has a personal history that contains both hurts and quite sensi ve areas. These need to be iden fied, and the new partner needs to listen and respond to feelings whether they seem sane or not. There will be associa ons occurring in the second marriage that have nothing to do with this marriage but are ed into the first. In the first marriage couples o en use their own family of origin or family backgrounds as the criterion of marital behavior they want to repeat or not repeat. But in the second marriage a person might say about his second spouse, “She is everything the first wife was not …” but then add, “But at least the first one could …” And the comparison goes on. Some mes the second partner is chosen because he or she is totally different from the first. Or the partner might be a replica of the first spouse, but the person hopes that “it will turn out all right this me.” There is security in the old type of rela onship. Realis c expecta ons. Each person entering a second marriage needs to have a realis c expecta on of himself or herself as well as his or her new partner. The exercises in Before You Remarry and So You’re Ge ng Married need to be broadened to include expecta ons regarding the former spouse and for any new step-children. The iden fica on and evalua on of expecta ons will go a long way toward elimina ng conflict and disappointment. Healing past hurts. Remember that some of the hurts of the past will only be healed by this new rela onship. The period of recovery for a divorce usually takes three to five years. A divorced individual has to have me to grieve and deal with the loss. Some of this healing occurs as the person has the opportunity to relate to a new person in a new way. Discover in what ways they are now rela ng differently and how they would like to relate differently. Contact with the former spouse. It is vital to discuss the amount of me to be given the former spouse and/or spouse’s rela ves. There will be ongoing contact because of finances, children, business, and in-laws. In what way, how o en, and how much me will be invested are all items that need to be iden fied so that both the person and the new spouse will know what to expect. If the new spouse has never been married, this could become a major issue in the new marriage. Children from the first marriage. The children of the first marriage will occupy a major por on of me and money. If each parent deals construc vely with the reorganiza on of his or her life, it will be an easier adjustment for the children. Two absolute guidelines to follow are: not using the children to get back at the former spouse, and avoiding cri cism of the former spouse. But

the new couple may need to have you reinforce this principle since they may s ll be carrying hurts and resentments toward a former spouse. Making new friends. Discuss with the couple how they are going to build a world of new friends. When a divorce or even death occurs, there is o en the loss of a community of friends as well. Developing new friendships together will be a major task for the new couple, and it needs to be discussed in advance. These friends can also serve as a support system as well as mee ng the friendship needs. Taking me to be together. Encourage the new couple to take me for themselves to play. They need me together each day and me to date. Ask them to iden fy in wri ng the minimum amount of me they need together just to keep their own rela onship going. This should include daily me, da ng me, and vaca on me. Help them plan this as a part of their life together.

THE THREE R’S Whenever you work with a couple moving into a second marriage, you need to explore what is some mes referred to as the three “R”s: resolve, rebuild, and relink. Resolve Explore how the person resolved his or her rela onship with the former spouse. What is le over from the first rela onship will impede both the individual growth of the person and the growth of a new rela onship. Is the prior marriage over? Strange ques on? Not really. Many marriages end in court but emo onally linger on for years. If the previous marriage is alive in any way, it can be a hindrance to the new rela onship. In a remarriage there is another cast of characters in addi on to the husband and wife. A person also marries his or her spouse’s family and friends. People bring rou nes into a remarriage that were developed with a previous spouse, and the new spouse is expected to know and accept these rou nes. People bring memories—both posi ve and nega ve—into a remarriage. When everything is going well with a new partner, memories of the previous rela onship are nega ve. Shortcomings are recalled. But when things are not going well with a new partner, a person may tend to idealize the former rela onship. Remarriages are fer le ground for comparison. One may have contact with his or her previous spouse because of the children. But that rela onship must be conducted as a joint-paren ng venture or even as a business arrangement. Children will affect a person in his or her new marriage. And the effect will be extensive if there are unresolved issues or bi erness toward the previous spouse. Here are some ques ons that need to be answered in detail by the formerly married person:

1. Describe how you tried to work through your problems in your previous marriage. 2. How did you relate to your previous spouse? What were the construc ve ways? What were the destruc ve ways? 3. What people helped in your a empt to work through your problems? What was beneficial and what wasn’t? 4. If there are children from the previous marriage, describe how you arrived at the plan of shared parenthood and how you feel about it. 5. Describe how much me you spend thinking about your previous spouse. List your specific thoughts. 6. Describe the comparisons you have already made between your former and future partner. 7. How o en do you see your previous spouse and for what purpose? What feelings do you experience on these occasions? 8. Describe how you confronted and handled your feelings during the breakup of your previous marriage. The divorced person will need to confront many feelings in order to move on. Denial keeps remarried persons and their new marriages from becoming all they could be. Denial means to avoid or reject reality. The remarrying person needs to have grieved for both the former partner as well as for the previous marriage. Grieving helps the pain of the loss to eventually go away. Denial dulls the pain of anger, which then becomes buried alive, full of energy. Many people think they have worked through their feelings of hurt, bi erness, anger, jealousy, and fear. But these may return from me to me, and they must be faced and experienced for what they are. Denying these feelings prevents healing. Tell divorced persons that they shouldn’t be surprised if some of these feelings emerge occasionally during the first few years of their new marriage. Events, dates, special occasions, and places can bring back a flood of memories. They may wonder, “What’s wrong with me?” Nothing! A new rela onship, with its growth and adjustments, can bring back the past. They may have to face and resolve these feelings in a new way. They need to discuss this adjustment process with their new partner without being threatened by the past rela onship. Rebuild How has the person a empted to rebuild himself or herself as an individual since the divorce? Who has he counseled with? What books has he read, or classes has he taken? Here are some ques ons to explore:

1. How long has it been since your previous marriage ended? 2. Who were the support people you developed to help you through this me? 3. How do you feel about yourself now as compared to how you felt at the end of your previous marriage? 4. What have you learned since the end of your first marriage (skills, voca onal changes, etc.)? 5. What have you learned from your past marriage that will help you in your new marriage? Please be as specific as possible. You might include what you have learned about yourself, your needs, your feelings, your goals, your flexibility, the way you handle stress, the way you handle another person’s anger, or the ways in which other people differ from you. 6. In what way will you be able to be a be er partner because of what you have learned? Can you think of at least six ways? Guilt o en becomes a saboteur of the second marriage. O en unrecognized, guilt some mes appears not to have a solu on. Some think they have no right to build their new life on the wreckage of the past. Guilt can be unhealthy when it is beyond the person’s awareness and when it is unwarranted. Talk individually with each person in your counseling to help them discover and express feelings which they may be aware of or which are buried beneath the surface. Flach offers four specific sugges ons.3 First, help the individual face and accept his/her own contribu ons to the failure of the first marriage. This may be painful, but it is construc ve. It is easy to project all of the blame onto the former spouse, but each person needs to assess his or her own limita ons. Second, be sure the individual does not accept too much of the blame. It is common to hear people say “If only …” Ask your counselees to make a list of what they believe they did to injure the marriage. Talk with them about experiencing God’s forgiveness and learning to forgive themselves. You may want to use the books Forgive and Forget, by Lewis Smedes, and Making Peace with Your Past, by this author. Third, discuss what the person is currently doing to change pa erns of response that may have contributed to the break-up. Be thorough in your inves ga on of this area, and you may need to recommend some individual counseling before remarriage is ever considered. Finally, help the person an cipate any future arguments with the former spouse such as involvement with children, holiday hassles, and finances. How will he handle these? What does he fear about the ongoing rela onship with his former spouse? When a person marries for a second me, he or she brings an emo onal heritage that will manifest itself in the new marriage. Ask the couple you are working with if they understand the concept of an emo onal heritage. They may appear puzzled un l you explain.

Five emo onal responses usually emerge in the second marriage, which are ed to the first marriage: fear, guilt, anger, jealousy, and resentment. Let’s consider this emo onal heritage in the form of ques ons you can use with the couple.4 “What are the fears that will emerge a er you are married?” There are usually fears of the past, such as the fear of having this new rela onship also end in divorce. This fear immobilizes everyone. There may be fear over the former spouse’s coming back to abuse them, spread lies about them, take the children and disappear, and so forth. Help them brainstorm the possible fears and then discuss how they will deal with them. “What might you feel guilty about once you are married?” Help them iden fy the guilt and resolve it. One man said, “My guilt came when I realized I was now loving my new wife in a way that I should have loved my first wife. If I had, perhaps it would not have failed.” But perhaps he was not capable of loving his first wife in that way because growth had only now occurred in his life. “What will you be angry about concerning your first marriage?” Anger could stem from previous losses, the children’s schedule, or having so many demands to fulfill. Bo ling up anger is destruc ve. It needs to be examined, expressed properly, and clearly iden fied in terms of what it is directed toward. “Have you considered what you might be jealous about once you are married?” Usually jealousy comes because of the sharing of children and money. “How will you handle the feelings of resentment that may come?” Resentments will occur because of the sharing of finances and children and holidays. And it will occur because of the memory of irresponsible behavior or an affair on the part of the former spouse. Help them develop a plan to handle the resentments. Relink Relinking, the third step, involves developing a new rela onship. We must ask whether this rela onship occurred for healthy reasons or on the rebound? Has the relinking occurred out of desperate loneliness or a posi ve decision? The family of the remarried is different in many respects. In a first marriage we have a couple who usually have me to adjust to one another before complica ng their life with children. They then learn their paren ng roles as they raise their children from infancy through the various stages. They have an idea of what is expected of them and they know what to expect. And the parents usually share affec on and responsibility for the children. The remarriage family is different. The func ons and structure are different. Now the family consists of one biological parent and a stepparent who live together with the children, and one biological parent who lives elsewhere. There is no me to build the couple rela onship prior to children. In many remarried families the couple have to resort to a calendar in order to survive

and have sufficient me together. But they don’t an cipate this while they are planning their marriage. When the remarriage occurs, the partners soon discover there is no such thing as instant love, or instant families. Each adult comes into this rela onship having experienced a major loss and hoping to have what was formerly lacking. But they are o en distracted by the demands of children living with them or with the ex-spouse. A stepparent may have just as much difficulty accep ng a stepchild as the stepchild has with the new parent. Resentment can easily build as the new family struggles to accept one another and carve out a workable marriage.

NEEDS OF THE CHILDREN Here is a sampling of what the future holds with children in the remarriage. Ask the couple to consider these issues: 1. How will you handle disagreements over the care of the children and ac vi es in which they are involved? 2. How do you feel about the types of gi s former partners bring to the children or their former spouse? 3. What visi ng privileges will you give to the rela ves of your former partner who s ll relate to your children or stepchildren as part of their family? 4. How will you talk to your children or stepchildren about your former partner’s mo ves and ac ons that you believe to be wrong? 5. What will you tell your child to say to a former partner when the child is asked about his new family rela onships? 6. What will you say about your new family when you are asked by others about the new rela onship? 7. What is your plan for handling holidays, birthdays, and special occasions, and for fulfilling your desires and your former partner’s desires? 8. What will you share with your children about their expected response to new rela ves that they have inherited? 9. Describe how you have listened to and responded to your children’s concerns about your future marriage. 10. In what way have you included your children in the wedding ceremony, either by physical presence or by opinion?5

Should children be involved in the wedding ceremony for a second marriage couple? There are several factors to consider. For children who have experienced the pain of a difficult divorce or the loss of a parent by death, being involved may be a source of encouragement to them. They gain the perspec ve that life can go on again, and being a part of the happenings may assist in this process. The enjoyment and fun factor of wedding prepara ons appeal to most children. When they take part in the service they have the feeling of helping their mother or father in becoming married again. Even if children are not a part of the actual service, their presence should be acknowledged so that they feel included. O en when the ques on is asked, “Who gives this woman to be married to this man?” the children answer in the affirma ve. I have talked to couples who have taken the honeymoon by themselves and some who included the children. Both have worked out, but in either case, proper planning and detailed prepara on is necessary for it to work.6 Here is a list of basic ques ons that you can duplicate and give to the couple contempla ng marriage and becoming stepparents. Usually these issues are confronted a er the marriage and some mes with unpleasant results. If the children are old enough they may need to become part of the discussion and decision process. 1. What me will meals be served? 2. Must everyone be present for meal me? 3. Are snacks allowed between meals and, if so, what? 4. Does everyone have to clean his plate at meals? 5. Is the TV allowed during meals, or are phone calls accepted at that me? 6. Will pets be allowed and, if so, what kind? Inside or outside? 7. Who will be responsible for what chores in the house? What about the yard? 8. Who is responsible for the children’s rooms, and how neat must they be? 9. What do you define as rude behavior? What happens when this occurs? 10. Are there any guidelines for the use of the TV, videos, ra ng of movies, and type of music allowed in the home. 11. What are the guidelines for church involvement?

12. Is it all right for some to a end a different church? 13. Is there prayer prior to meals? 14. Will there be family devo ons? If so, does everyone need to par cipate? These ques ons should create some lively discussion, but it is be er prior to the marriage than a er.7 When there are children in the new family, a couple will have to organize the use of their me very carefully. There will be mes when a parent spends me with his or her biological children alone. It is important that the children know that their parent-child rela onship will remain regardless of the new marriage. It will also be important that the new stepparent spends individual me with each stepchild in order to build that rela onship. Naturally there will be

mes when everyone is interac ng together including the couple and both sets of children. As the children enter adolescence it is normal for them not to want to be together with their parents as much as before. But what is really needed for this new marriage to make it is couple me, both planned and spontaneous.8

ADJUSTMENTS FOR THE STEPPARENT Both stepparents will have their own set of problems and adjustments with a remarried family. Olson and Pia-Terry cite eight possible adjustments a stepfather may confront.9 1. Uncertainty about the amount of authority in his role as a father. The transi on from da ng the children’s mother before marriage to becoming a stepparent can be uncomfortable for the stepfather. If he tends to be a controller or quite dominant he may want to step in and assume control immediately. This can be disastrous and usually leads to aliena on of both the children and his new wife as she begins to defend them. It is best to assume the role of a friend or uncle for the first five years and allow the biological parent to be the main disciplinarian. 2. Uncertainty about the amount of affec on given to stepchildren as well as how to express it. There is an awkwardness that has to be faced. 3. Conflicts over the rules, such as which are important and which are not. And the enforcement of these rules may be an issue as well. 4. A struggle to sa sfy the financial demands of two families. Unfortunately, the way money is allocated is o en seen as a measure of love among spouses and the children. 5. Guilt over leaving their children from a previous marriage. This impedes their giving freely to their new wife and stepchildren.

6. The ques on of loyalty. It’s common for stepfathers whose biological children live with their mothers to regret the me they spend with their new family They wish they could have more

me with their own. 7. Sexual concerns. Such concerns exist since a man may be sexually a racted to stepdaughters, stepdaughters to stepfathers, stepmothers to stepsons and step-siblings to step-siblings. 8. Names and iden ty. Even the issue of surnames can arise since some stepfathers object to sharing their name with stepchildren. All of these issues need to be raised and faced in your counseling with the remarriage couple. If they respond with “It won’t be a problem,” press further to discover if they have actually discussed each issue openly Lillian Messinger suggests that remarriage requires accommoda ng formerly established plans to present marriage plans. It also requires that both partners realis cally face the fact that remarriage where there are children from the previous marriage requires prepara on and an cipa on of what will fit the new family life-style. The divorce does not terminate the former marriage es. Divorce is only between the couple, not between parents and child, nor between parents and each of the extended families of the ex-spouses. As sociologist Paul Bohanner states, “My ex-wife will always be my son’s mother and my ex-wife’s mother will always be his grandmother.”10 In our American culture we have many sub-cultures. One of these cultures is a group of remarried families. Blended families are not a deviant or odd group. It’s been said that families have not broken up today but simply reorganized. In fact, ex-spouses are s ll parents to their children. The family s ll has the same members, the children and mother and father. It’s just that they don’t live together anymore. In second marriages triangles seem to emerge. A triangle is a situa on in which a remarried person is caught between the two people who have conflic ng demands. And o en the person involved ends up feeling torn. It is possible for a divorced person who marries another divorced individual to have numerous conflic ng rela onship problems. Consider just five new rela onships the divorced man must deal with when he marries a divorced woman: 1. Former wife vs. new wife 2. Children of his new marriage vs. children of his former marriage 3. Children of new marriage vs. children of current wife’s former marriage

4. Former wife vs. children of his former marriage 5. Children of current wife’s former marriage vs. father of those children In first marriages, the first year of marriage is o en a period of intense adjustment, conflict, disillusionment, and turmoil. In remarriages, there is usually a longer period required for minimal adjustment. This can range from two to five years. During the counseling sessions, I have seen several indicators that suggest difficulty in adjus ng to remarriage. As you minister to each couple, look for these predictors of difficulty in adjustment: 1. A wide discrepancy between the life-cycles of the families (one parent has older teens and the other pre-schoolers, for instance) 2. Denial of prior loss and/or a short interval between marriages 3. Failure to resolve intense rela onship issues of the first family; for example, some family members s ll feel intense anger or bi erness about the divorce 4. Lack of awareness of the emo onal difficul es of remarriage for children What about prenup al agreements? Do they have any place in a Chris an marriage? It’s rare to find these in first marriages, but in second or third marriages they are frequently considered. Some feel that such an agreement actually limits the depth of commitment to the rela onship, but because of the baggage brought from a previous marriage some believe that such a document is necessary. Prenup al agreements should not be used to prepare the couple for or imply divorce; yet an agreement may be helpful in certain cases, such as certain savings accounts or possessions intended for children of the first marriage. Children, homes, investments, and personal property and poten al inheritance may necessitate at least some clarifica on and some legal agreement. Furthermore, reviewing property, assets, and obliga ons may bring to light other issues that had not yet been disclosed. Items that the couple needs to discuss and clarify prior to their marriage include real estate, furniture and furnishings, stocks, money-market funds, and savings accounts. In addi on, the couple may want to have separate wills. A prenup al agreement would itemize provisions each person should make for the other in his or her will. For a fuller discussion of items and the arguments for joint or separate holdings, see “Is a Prenup al Agreement Necessary?” by Neal Kuyper (in Belovitch, Making Remarriage Work).11 Who said life was simple! As you work with your couple, ask them to iden fy the poten al and present triangles. Have them an cipate what triangles they will experience and what they can do to alleviate the stress that may be involved.

READY FOR REMARRIAGE? How can the counselor know if a person is ready for remarriage? What are some of the goals that we can work toward that will let us know readiness? Besides all of the factors involved in marrying, there are some addi onal issues. Any individual seeking remarriage needs to have resolved his or her former marriage in rela onship to all of the other individuals directly or indirectly involved. What are the indica ons of this? First, persons ready for remarriage have accepted the death of the marriage rela onship and the reality that they are now divorced. They have made decisions about the divorce se lement and the children that both spouses can live with, with a minimum of con nuing bi erness and angry flare-ups. These decisions have been put into prac ce, and they are working. This can include financial arrangements, child custody, holidays, and so forth. Second, the individual has learned how not to be “hooked” by their former spouse’s responses or behavior. You may want to ask two significant ques ons of the divorced person. “How much me do you spend thinking about your former marriage and partner?” “How much me do you spend talking about your former marriage and partner?”

DENIAL AND EXPECTATIONS Help the remarried couple, as any couple, an cipate the reality of their first year. Remarried couples must deal with addi onal issues. For some, a fear of abandonment may contaminate their rela onship. When issues arise and the rela onship has some difficult adjustments, this fear frequently creeps back into a person’s mind. “What if he or she leaves like my other partner did?” Premarital behavior contains denial behavior and a tudes, but once married, a person’s denial will disappear. Individuals put forth their best behavior during courtship, and the darker parts of one’s personality tend to be hidden. A er marriage, the counselor o en will hear, “I never saw his anger … I never saw her moodiness … I never saw her act like that before.” Ask the couple what each thinks he might be denying and what he fears the partner may be denying. Your tes ng procedures will help to discover these areas, but they s ll may emerge later on. Ask how they will handle these surprises when they occur and what feelings might arise on their part. In any marriage, expecta ons plague the progress of the rela onship. But in second marriages they can be more extensive as well as subtle. Jim Smoke describes some that he has found over the years of counseling remarrieds. Here are a number of them: 1. My new spouse will make me far happier than my former spouse did. 2. My new spouse will be totally different from my former spouse.

3. My new spouse will always understand me. 4. My new spouse will have none of the bad habits of my former spouse. 5. My new spouse will be a be er parent than my former spouse. 6. My new spouse will never disappoint me. 7. My new spouse will never handle money as poorly as my former spouse. 8. My new spouse will make me a be er person and make me happy. 9. My new spouse will make all the pain and hurt from my previous marriage go away. 10. My new spouse is perfect.12 If any about-to-be or current second-marriage spouses knew that the above were expecta ons for them, they would probably leave the country. On the other hand, the remarrying spouse needs to know there are realis c expecta ons. They include: “My new spouse will love me as much as I love him or her” and “My spouse will love my children as much as I love his or her children.” Smoke iden fies several realis c expecta ons in his book Growing in Remarriage.13 He also clarifies some universal expecta ons for second marriages. Expecta ons start with the person you are married to and then extend to the life you are living out with that person. The two are so closely woven together that it is hard to look at them separately. The marriage is what two persons are building together. It is the one primary thing of which they both have ownership. The basic expecta on of a new marriage is that it will be different from and be er than the one that preceded it. That is especially true if the prior marriage ended in a bi er divorce. Too o en I hear these sad words a er a year or two of a new marriage: “Same old script!” Old pa erns from the former marriage begin to reappear and discouragement sets in. At this point, some people choose to leave the rela onship while others se le in and serve a sentence called marriage. What are realis c expecta ons of a second marriage? 1. You can expect it to be tougher to build than a first marriage. 2. You can expect it to be complicated, exaspera ng, and ring. 3. You can expect it to be a slow building process.

4. You can expect some “same old script” mes but know that you are wri ng a new script each day. 5. You can expect to want to run from it every now and then—but you won’t. 6. You can expect a lot of outside pressures that are new to you. They come from parents, children, families, jobs, and former spouses. 7. You can expect your second marriage to be successful if you dig in and go for the long haul instead of the overnight wonder.14 Your ministry with these couples can make the difference in the fulfillment of their second me around dream.

NOTES 1. Bibi Wein, “The Special Stress of Second Marriages,” Redbook, June 1987, p. 100. 2. Paula Ripple Comin, “Love Is Not All … Success in Remarriage Requires Much More”; Jeanne Belovitch, gen. ed., Making Remarriage Work (Lexington, Mass.: Lexington, 1987), pp. 16–17, adapted. 3. Frederic F. Flach, “How Not to Let Guilt Destroy a Second Chance,” in Belovitch, pp. 47–48, adapted. 4. Elizabeth Einstein, “Facing the Feelings Remarriage Brings and Le ng Go,” in Belovitch, pp. 57–60, adapted. 5. H. Norman Wright, Before You Remarry (Eugene, Ore.: Harvest House, 1988), pp. 14–15. 6. Neal A. Kuyper, “The Ques on of Children at the Wedding,” in Belovitch, pp. 122–23, adapted. 7. Richard P. Olson and Carole Della Pia-Terry, Help for Remarried Couples and Families (Valley Forge, Pa.: Judson, 1984), p. 66, adapted. 8. Ibid., p. 75, adapted. 9. Frederick F. Flach, “Guidelines for Stepfathers,” in Belovitch, Making Remarriage Work, p. 85, adapted. 10. Lillian Messenger, “More Than One Kind of Normal Family,” in Belovitch, Making Remarriage Work, p.4 11. Jeanne Belovitch, Making Remarriage Work (Lexington, Mass.: Lexington 1987), pp. 28–30, adapted. 12. Jim Smoke, Growing in Remarriage (Old Tappan, N.J.: Revell, 1990), p. 88. 13. Ibid., p. 89. 14. Ibid., p. 90