D-Premarital Assessment, Conceptualization, and Counseling

Wright, N. (1992). The Premarital Counseling Handbook. Chicago, IL: Moody.

CHAPTER 10 Sessions Three and Four: Roles and Authority in Marriage

Husband-wife roles and their impact on power or influence in marriage frequently become an issue during premarital counseling. PREPARE can tell you a person’s choice in wan ng either an equalitarian marriage (shared roles) or a tradi onal (set and specific roles for husband and wife). In contrast, the T-JTA can reveal whether one or both tends to be more the dominant person (or a controller) or if one or both tend to be compliant or passive.

ROLE EXPECTATIONS Let’s consider the issue of husband-wife roles first. I find that most couples do not go into sufficient detail in the area of roles. Though the assignment “Your Role Concepts Comparison Sheet” in the Before You Say I Do workbook (p. 41) is for a la er session, there may be mes when you ask the couple to turn to that sec on and discuss some of their answers. Note that the second item states, “The wife should not be employed outside of the home.” Each statement may be answered in one of five ways: strongly agree, mildly agree, not sure, mildly disagree, or strongly disagree. The partners answer without looking at one another’s copy. If you find one person who is not sure and one who strongly agrees or disagrees, it is important to stop and talk about this area. The counselor should determine why they have differences of opinion and discuss how this can affect their marriage rela onship. Whether the wife should work has become a fundamental issue. With the changing economic condi ons more and more women will be employed, and some of our tradi onal lifestyles will be modified. A couple of items on the sheet relate to the working-woman issue, and the counselor needs to explore some of the par cular problems that might arise if she works. However, the counselor also must allow the couple to make the final decision. Consider, for instance, a man who is adamant against his wife working, yet his fiancée is a college graduate and has a profession. She has spent years training for her posi on and feels that it is very important for her to be able to con nue in it. The wise counselor will explore some of the reasons behind each person’s a tude as well as work toward some type of reconcilia on of the two conflic ng opinions. Looking down the sheet, no ce other statements that might bring up discussion. For example, “The husband should baby-sit one night a week so the wife can get away and do what she wants,” or, “A couple should spend their recrea onal and leisure me together,” or, “It is all right for the wife to ini ate love-making with her husband.” If you find differences of opinion here, then you need to discuss these.

This discussion of the dominant/submissive trait may give you the opening to focus on the issue of power in the rela onship and how it may be manifested in the next few years.

WHAT IS POWER? The word power has many defini ons. One is “the possession of control, authority, or influence over others.” The Oxford English Dic onary defines authority as “power or right to enforce obedience … the right to command or give an ul mate decision.” In a premarital or marital rela onship, when one partner has most of the power or authority he or she has most of the control and makes most of the decisions. The person on the other side o en ends up feeling inferior, dependent, abused, neglected, or downtrodden with a tudes of dejec on, anger, and resentment. Look for those indica ons. Over the years we have raised shel es in our home. A shel e looks like a miniature collie and is a very intelligent dog—un l it gets into a tug-of-war with another puppy. The two shel es sit there and pull and pull on the towel and neither gets anywhere. They wear themselves out pulling, trying to get the towel away from each other. If they were really smart, they might figure out that what they’re doing isn’t working. In fact, if one would let up on his end of the towel, it would probably knock the other puppy off balance, dislodge the towel, and then the smart puppy could run away with it all to himself. Some mes Joyce and I sit there and laugh at them. Perhaps in reality we are laughing at ourselves for we are not very different from the puppies. Couples o en pull, pull, pull, but nothing is resolved. Neither one is willing to risk a new approach. Did you know that in most troubled marriages the partners are unaware of how much power each one has, and emo onally each feels the partner has far more power than he or she deserves? O en they think the most dominant and verbal partner does, but that may not be en rely true. You may have a verbally dominant but impulsive man who is going to marry a quiet, submissive, but self-disciplined woman. She may have the edge in power and control because of her self-discipline. This is a shock to many. In a marriage rela onship, power is the ability of one spouse to influence or change the behavior of the other. The one with the greater power is usually the one who somehow controls the ac ons of the other person. But how? Perhaps through making most of the decisions or through having control over the finances or making more money There may be an excep on to this concept, however. When you look at a marriage in which one earns and controls the money, ini ally it may seem that the breadwinner has more power. But this may be offset by the wife who stays home, is very sa sfied with her role, and has great influence in the areas of child- rearing, social life, direc ng where the finances are spent—or by having a greater knowledge about running the home than her spouse.

Unfortunately, some spouses are trapped and kept in a posture of dependency by a partner who deals out the finances when he sees fit. This type of helplessness breeds depression, resentment, and o en major conflicts.

POWER AND THE JOB

Power struggles can easily emerge when both husband and wife have their own careers. A common ques on being raised today is, “Whose career takes precedence? Which is more important?” In previous decades there was no such ques on. Today economic power and status compe on struggles are quite common; each spouse tends to feel that his or her career is more important and has more impact than the partner’s. Many career women would like to have the same power and equality that is theirs at work extend to their homes. Many tradi ons have fallen away during the past fi een years, and some mes the debris gets in the way. Numerous marital conflicts arise because of the desire for power to be divided equally between man and woman. The conflict emerges because the marriage becomes an area of compe on rather than a unified pulling together. Since many marriages start out with both being employed outside of the home, here are a series of ques ons the couple needs to answer. They are taken from So You’re Ge ng Married. If the couple uses this book, ask them to share what they learned from this experience. If they don’t use it, reproduce the ques ons and give copies to them or discuss the ques ons with them. Another alterna ve is to have the contact married couple assigned to them use these with the couple.

Will you tell each other what happened during your working day? Will you really listen and care about what has happened to your spouse on the job? Will only one person ask or tell the other? Will you refuse to share your concerns about your job because you think your spouse won’t understand the problems you are facing at work? Will you be too embarrassed to tell your spouse if your boss reprimanded you or that you are terrified about making a presenta on at a company mee ng? Will you try to put yourself in your spouse’s shoes and understand that what might prove to be no problem to you might be a great problem to your partner, requiring your helpful feedback? Will you admire your spouse’s strengths on the job as you would a colleague’s, or are you even now secretly envious of those quali es? Will you feel you are en tled to a greater say in family economic decisions and in household management because you may earn more money than your spouse?

Do you really like the fact that your spouse is going to work? Do you secretly think you would like it be er if your wife greeted you at home every evening with a clean house, refreshments, and a hot dinner? Will you really do your full share of the housework without con nual prodding from your wife or without feeling argumenta ve and resen ul because you feel you are always ge ng the short end of the s ck? How will you feel if your wife makes more money than you? If she already is making more money, do you have mixed feelings about that fact? Do you talk to her about your feelings? Will you feel that you are in compe on with your husband regarding who has the best job and who makes the most money? If so, is the feeling one of healthy compe veness as in a track race, or a feeling of guilt or anger because you are compe ng with him? Will you do more than your fair share of the housework rather than hold your husband to his end of the bargain because you don’t want to make waves? If your husband makes a larger salary than you, will you feel guilty when you spend money on yourself because you believe you are spending “his” money? Will you label the total income you and your husband make “our” joint income, or do you regard the earnings of each of you separately as a measure of the power each of you brings to your marriage? How would you feel if you made more money than your husband? If you are making more money now, do you feel guilty or secre ve about sharing that fact with friends?1

Remind the couple that marriage is a miniature example of the Body of Christ where each one contributes because of his or her own unique ability. Compe on may be less when the husband is the primary breadwinner and the wife has a suppor ve role within the home. Or there could be less compe on if a wife sees her employment as a job rather than a career. Then the family’s life is s ll seen as dependent upon what the husband accomplishes. Compe on can become a major issue when a wife advances faster than her husband and eventually moves ahead of him. Anger, resentment, and distancing o en occur, yet they do not have to exist. But not too many couples would admit to being in compe on with one another. This compe on may arise from the core of feelings of insecurity and threats to one’s iden ty. But these are unnecessary threats if the source of our iden ty and security in Jesus Christ is realized. Which marriages survive when the woman earns more or achieves more than her husband? Marriages in which both individuals have a strong sense of self-esteem, respect for

one another, and a willingness to support and encourage one another. Look for this in your premarital couple.

DEPENDING ON EACH OTHER An overlooked arena for marital authority struggles is emo onal power. This can be even more serious than the other problems men oned. When a person is told what to do most of the me, when decisions are made for that person, when he or she looks to the other person as the authority, we have emo onal dependency. Some couples are comfortable with this style. Many others are quite frustrated. One wife told me, “I wish I had some say in what we do or where we go. But my husband always overrides me, and I end up thinking that he is right. His ideas do make sense, and he is able to decide so quickly. It takes me longer, and I tend to waver back and forth with my decisions. But some mes I just wish I could have some say.” Not everyone who holds the power is content with that style of rela onship. One husband reflected, “I wish she wasn’t so dependent on me. I would like her to make some decisions, s ck with them, and carry them out. There are mes I get so frustrated with having to make decisions that are so simple and ridiculous. Why can’t she make up her mind? I even get phone calls at work about simple decisions. I feel like a parent!” In a healthy marriage rela onship, each person leans on the other from me to me. But because of our culture, dependency has become a problem word. We are taught to be independent and self-sufficient. We put li le value on being dependent, so who wants to admit he is dependent? We all struggle with problems in our lives that we can’t solve by ourselves. We need the help of another person. There are some emo onal needs that cannot be sa sfied alone. A marital rela onship can provide the most intense and enduring support. There are mes in a marriage when each spouse parents the other by giving assistance and comfort. That’s all right if the roles switch back and forth and each person maintains his or her own iden ty

One husband told me, “At work, I’m seen as being strong and some mes even tough by the others. But if they only knew. There are days when I doubt my abili es, my decisions, even if I’m in the right job. I can’t share that stuff with them. But I can share it with my wife. She’s safe, and she knows how to listen. Some mes she reassures me and gives me advice, but mostly she just accepts me. Yeah, I guess I depend upon her at those mes, and that’s all right. I like it and I need it. Other mes she sure depends on me.” A healthy marriage is one in which the partners take turns leaning on one another.

DISAGREEMENTS AND POWER When couples have disagreements, they usually are not figh ng over the problem they think they are. Frequently the disagreement is over who will be in control of the rela onship at that moment. Many couples compete for both power and a en on. Underlying the need for a en on is the desire to feel recognized or significant.

Couples argue about how long, how big, how small, what color—all seemingly insignificant facts. But are they really deba ng over facts? They may think so. I hear this kind of debate all the me in my office. But the real issue is not the facts or who is right or wrong—the issue is who is going to control the rela onship. Power! Some of these arguments are so intense, it’s as though each is figh ng for survival. If they have intense needs to be in control, it is survival and that’s why the emo ons become so intense. When both couples have definite ideas and strong wills, defining “who’s in charge in what area” is the best way to maintain harmony. The difficul es come when clarifica on or precedent has not been set for carrying out tasks. This is true in the home and just as true when couples work together outside the home. When each person is accustomed to being in charge, they have to iden fy the areas. The chapter on decision making in both Before You Say I Do and So You’re Ge ng Married can help the couple in clarifying present and future decisions. If one is more dominant than the other, and the spouse is used to being a follower, it is vital to encourage the more submissive one to enter into decisions and become more independent. You might be thinking, “But won’t that encourage a power struggle?” No, power struggles do not have to occur between strong individuals. It’s what you do with your strength that makes the difference. In marriage, many power issues and conflicts are ed into the differences between what “he wants” and “she wants,” what “he needs” and “she needs,” what “she expects” and “he expects.” Other power struggles occur not over the need to control but because of the fear of being controlled. The possession and use of power determines how and when decisions are made in a marriage.

POWER STYLES Power is manifested in many ways. Let’s consider some of the most common power styles. Perhaps you can iden fy your own and your spouse’s even as you help the premarital couple iden fy theirs. In the passive-submissive style, the individual usually follows his spouse’s leading and decision- making. O en, he likes his partner to make the decisions and take the load off him—and he prefers being dependent. Perhaps his spouse enjoys this tendency. The balance in the marriage is maintained unless one of them begins to change. And then everything begins to fall apart. On a scale of 0–10, have the couple indicate with a check mark where they would fall on this power style. Then put an X to indicate where they feel their partner falls (see scale below).

The passive-aggressive appears to be a follower but has great ability to sabotage the decisions. This person does not manifest any outward show of power but is highly proficient at manipula on. “Outwardly compliant but inwardly a rebel” is the name of the game. This person

tends to be late, forge ul, makes vague put-down statements that leave his or her partner wondering what was said. He or she goes along with a decision but then does something to make it lose its value. This person might agree to take a short camping vaca on but acts inept, nega ve, or burns every meal. The trip isn’t worth the hassle. Why are people like this? Many have never learned to come straight out with their desires. They are afraid of confronta on, rejec on, and being disappointed. And they deny how much power they have. Again, using the 0–10 scale, with 0 represen ng “not at all” and 10 “definitely,” have each partner indicate with a check mark where he or she would fall on this power style con nuum. Have each put an X to indicate where he/she feels the partner falls. The passive sufferer displays power a different way. He/she goes along with the partner’s decisions, but suffers as a result. His suffering may be used to get back at the partner, to bring about guilt, or to display self-righteousness. O en this person lets others know in his own way how much he is suffering. Such people have gone to the college of martyrdom for their degree. Again, on a scale of 0–10, have each partner indicate with a check mark where he or she would fall on this power-style con nuum. Have each use an X to indicate where he/she feels the partner falls. The asser ve-controlling person tends to insist that his/her demands be met. This person feels that he or she has won when the partner gives in. And the point of winning is what’s important—more so than the issue. This comes at the partner’s expense, however. On a scale of 0–10, have each partner indicate with a check mark where he or she would fall on this power style. Have each put an X to indicate where he/she feels the partner falls. The asser ve-adapter displays the ideal response. This person can openly assert his needs to his spouse but is also willing to adapt to meet his partner’s demands. This unique person is comfortable using power and relinquishing power—a rare combina on. In the rela onship where both par es are asser ve adapters, each knows the beliefs and values of his or her partner. He also knows his own needs will be taken into considera on. Opinions of others are considered. On a scale of 0–10, have each partner indicate with a check mark where he or she would fall on this power style. Have each put an X to indicate where he/she feels the partner falls. It is not uncommon for a partner to respond one way in a par cular issue or category and then shi to another pa ern of power display for another issue. It sounds strange, but it occasionally happens.

A BALANCE OF POWER To help the couple iden fy the balance and display of power in their future marriage, have them consider how decisions will be made in a number of common areas of marriage. This should help them iden fy what will occur in their future rela onship. Have them complete the survey “Decision-Making Time” (on p. 199) for the next session.2

Later, have the couple discuss their selec ons and their spouse’s. The counselor should help them iden fy both reasons for this and the poten al conflicts. Robert A. Schuller, Jr., talks about his parents and what has worked for them in The Posi ve Family. Though the Schullers do not always agree, their son reports, they have remained married for more than thirty years. These guidelines have helped many couples.

My mother, Arvella Schuller, … explains that they have a scale of nonapproval. When she and Dad disagree, they measure the depth of the intensity of nonagreement on a scale of one to ten: 1. The lowest level is, “I’m not enthusias c, but go ahead if you want to.” From there the intensity of the comments increases. 2. “I don’t see it the way you do, but I may be wrong, so go ahead.” 3. “I don’t agree. I’m sure you’re wrong. But I can live with it. Go ahead.” 4. “I don’t agree, but I’ll be quiet and let you have your way. I can change it to my way later on. Next year I can repaint, repaper, reupholster it my way.” 5. “I don’t agree, and I cannot remain silent. I love you, but I will not be able to keep from expressing my disapproval. So don’t be offended if you hear me expressing a contrary view.” 6. “I do not approve, and I make a mo on we postpone and delay ac on un l we both are able emo onally and ra onally to reevaluate our posi ons. Give me more me.” 7. “I strongly disapprove. This is a mistake—costly, not easily corrected—and I stand firm. I cannot and will not go along with it.” 8. “My answer is no! I will be so seriously upset if you go ahead that I cannot predict what my reac on will be.” 9. “No way! If you go ahead I have to tell you I quit; I’ll walk out!” 10. “No—no—no! Over my dead body!”

My father maintains that in more than thirty years of marriage he and Mom never went above a six in their level of disagreement. As I think back to growing up in their home, I would say that he is correct, for the most part. They may have hit a seven or an eight once or twice, but they usually stopped at number six, which really means, “I love you very, very much. Since I can’t tell you what this is going to do to our rela onship, which

is obviously more important than the decision, let’s wait and think about it … give me me to see your viewpoint and what you feel.”3

Some mes I will give couples addi onal assignments, such as asking them to give me a wri en response to the ques on, “What are you bringing to this marriage that will make it work?” One woman wrote: I am bringing a love for Jack and a desire to meet his needs. I am aware of his strengths and his weaknesses. I realize the importance of unselfish giving and feel, for the most part, I am capable of that. I have common sense, intelligence, and leadership abili es that are important in caring for a home and a family. I am not governed by emo ons and I usually am willing to express and talk about problems. I have a forgiving spirit and a sense of humor.

Decision-Making Time Read statements A through E. A. I like my spouse to take the lead and make decisions in this area. B. I let my spouse make decisions in this area, but o en resent it and subtly resist it. C. My spouse makes decisions in this area. I go along but o en mes suffer and feel that I’m sacrificing. D. I am pre y good at asser ng my needs in this area, but I can compromise. E. I assert my needs in this area, but have a difficult me when compromise is required. The following is a list of decisions that commonly are made in marriages. Next to each decision, place the le er corresponding to the statement above that is most suited to how you feel about the way the decision will be made in your marriage: _____ Choosing what leisure ac vity to do together. _____ Deciding how o en we clean our home. _____ Making major purchases for our home, like furniture, a dishwasher, etc. _____ Making major purchases for outside our home, like a car or a lawn mower. _____ Deciding who ini ates sex. _____ Deciding how o en to see family.

_____ Deciding how much money we save. _____ Deciding how o en to entertain friends and family. _____ Deciding where to live. _____ Deciding how to celebrate special occasions, like birthdays and holidays. _____ Choosing cards and gi s for family members. _____ Deciding how commi ed we are to our jobs. _____ Other (Please iden fy) _________ One young man brought the following wri en response to the premarital counseling session: I believe that I am bringing much to marriage that will help it to be successful. My faith in Christ is the greatest single element that will make our marriage successful. I believe beyond all doubt that God designed for us to be joined in marriage. I have abili es in leadership that will allow me to carry out my role as head of my house. I have confidence that I can carry the responsibility of marriage. I am willing to sacrifice things that I want for the a ainment of the highest good. I have an understanding of what God intended a marriage to be. I have tremendous determina on to make my marriage successful above all else. I see marriage as a top priority. I have an ability to sense the needs of others, and I have strengths in being able to listen to people. Here you have two examples of what people feel they are bringing to a marriage rela onship that will make it work. Of course, people’s comments are not always of this quality. Some are lacking; their reasons for marriage might be very immature. I remember one person who wrote, “He makes me feel good all the me. He causes me to laugh. I feel fun with him.” Her response was superficial, and it did not include the quali es she would bring to marriage. When people’s comments are of this nature, we need to discuss their ideas and the reali es of marriage in depth. If one’s reasons for marriage are superficial—looks, youth—those reasons might disappear; then what is le of the marriage rela onship? Some mes this leads to other ques ons you can ask to direct the couple’s thinking even deeper. The first is: “Name the personal characteris cs that you possess that will build up a marriage. Name the personal characteris cs your partner possesses that might tend to tear down the marriage.” I have the couple write down their answers; then we share them. By this me the couple is quite percep ve, with a real freedom to discuss and share.

CHANGING THE OTHER, CHANGING ONESELF Because of the differences I see on the T-JTA or discovered conflicts, I ask a ques on that elicits some surprise: “How are you going to change your mate?” Some mes they look back as though

to say, “What do you mean, ‘change my mate?’ He’s perfect the way he is.” You might have to reemphasize this by saying, “Well, most people do find some behavior or a tudes in their fiance or their spouse that irritate or bother them, and they might want to change them. Now, how are you going to go about changing this person?” Or, be er yet, “What have you already done to change the person?” The man might say, “I don’t want to change her. She’s exactly as I like her.” This might be true for now. On the other hand, some people who appear to have this a tude are actually thinking, “A er I get married, I’m going to start modifying him.” It is unfortunate when we a empt to turn another person into a revised edi on of ourselves. In marriage counseling, I some mes encounter a spouse who will say, “You know, the thing that a racted me to this individual when we were da ng and when we were engaged is the very thing that I’m trying so desperately to change right now. I liked it to begin with, but now I am trying to change it.” I may ask, “Are you successful?” More o en than not the response is, “Why, no, that’s why I’m here. It isn’t working.” As we look at this ma er of a emp ng to change one’s mate, we start exploring some of the a tudes and ideas that the two people might have toward each other. I want them to understand a fundamental concept: if you really want to change the person that you’re married to, you change yourself. As Cecil Osborne argues in The Art of Understanding Your Mate, this is the way you change your spouse. The other person will change in response to the changes that he or she sees in your life. But if your goal is trying to modify or change the other person, it is not going to work. We have to begin with ourselves. A friend told me that for many years he kept praying that God would change his wife and his children. And for some reason God did not seem to answer him in the way he wanted, and his wife and children did not change. Then one day he started praying in a very different way. He said, “Lord, change my life. Change me, mold me into the kind of man and husband and father I need to be.” Then the man said, “You know, the strangest thing happened. My wife and my children changed.” They changed because he changed. If young married people would work on needed changes in their own lives, then the partner’s defects and problems would not seem as large. Naturally, most couples do find areas that concern them. It is unrealis c to think that a person will be totally accep ng. Some faults or behavior ought to be altered. A couple needs the freedom to express their concerns and irrita ons to one another, but they cannot force one another to change. All they can do is to bring problems to the other’s awareness, then leave it up to the partner to respond as he or she sees fit. Two addi onal principles of changing one’s spouse could be pointed out to the couple. One concerns complaints. When most individuals make a complaint it is done in a nega ve and general manner. An example would be, “You’re never affec onate.” That is likely to generate a defensive response. Reversing it is more likely to bring about a posi ve response. Complaints should be posi ve and specific; in other words, point to the desired behavior that you would like to see rather than focusing upon the problem. A statement like, “I would appreciate it if you

would touch me and hold me some each day” stated in a posi ve, loving tone of voice is more likely to bring a posi ve response. The second principle in changing another person involves the method. When a person wants to eliminate an undesirable behavior in his spouse he usually goes about it in such a way that he reinforces the behavior he does not like. I ask the couple for examples or ways in which that occurs, and usually they are aware of the problem. Change takes me, pa ence, and adaptability. But it begins with the individual, not the partner.

NOTES 1. H. Norman Wright. So You’re Ge ng Married (Ventura, Calif.: Gospel Light, 1985), pp. 96–97. Copyright 1985, Regal Books, Ventura CA 93003. Used by permission. 2. Miriam Arond and Samuel Pauker. The First Year of Marriage (New York: Warner Books, 1987), pp. 106–7, adapted. 3. Robert A Schuller, Jr., Power to Grow Beyond Yourself (Old Tappan, N.J.: Revell, 1987), pp. 175–76.

CHAPTER 10 Sessions Three and Four: Expecta ons and Other Issues

During the fourth through the sixth sessions, the counselor should discuss the couple’s responses to the homework assignments from Before You Say I Do, especially chapters 4 and 5, “Expecta ons” and “Goals.” Those chapters are essen al because they help eliminate some of the conflict-producing surprises from marriage and help to give direc on to the marriage. The homework project on expecta ons requires each partner to list twenty expecta ons of their mate a er they are married and tell his/her fiance those expecta ons. Then each partner reads the other’s twenty expecta ons for him or her. Finally, the partner marks the likelihood of fulfilling each expecta on, using the le er C, S, or N for cinch, sweat, or no way. Once he/she has completed the evalua on of the other’s expecta ons, he/she returns the list and spends some me discussing it.

EXPECTATIONS AND DEMANDS Many surprises emerge from this exercise, and it has proved to be one of the most helpful. One of the reasons for this exercise is that unfulfilled expecta ons generate frustra on that leads to anger. Eventually those unfulfilled expecta ons can evolve into demands. One spouse senses the demanding tone in the other’s voice and is offended by it. A husband’s demands might be: “I demand that you get up first and cook my breakfast.” “I demand that you always be home when I arrive a er working all day.” “I demand that you dress

the way I’ve suggested in order to please me.” Meanwhile, the wife may find her expecta ons changing into demands too. A wife’s demands might be: “I demand that you work around the house every Saturday.” “I demand that you spend me with the children.” “I demand that you become the spiritual leader in the home.” Joseph Maxwell describes the nega ve effects of such demands: Most of us are unaware of the demands we make on our spouse to exhibit certain traits or behaviors. What we are aware of is the feeling of anger or annoyance we experience when we are frustrated in realizing our demands. The feeling is so strong, so dependable, so apparently autonomous that we think it is not only jus fied but unavoidable. We believe that the feeling is caused by our spouse’s failure rather than our demand. This occurs because we are very aware of the failure but are largely unaware of the demand which designates the failure as a bad event. Demandingness is a formidable barrier to marital growth because the person doing the demanding is likely to spend most of his or her me and energy catastrophizing and pitying self, and to spend li le crea ve energy in planning ways to develop the rela onship. Since every behavior of a spouse necessarily evokes a responsive behavior from the other spouse, such personally upse ng behavior as is produced by demandingness will usually have significant effects on the ac ons and feelings of the partner. In most cases, when one partner reacts nega vely the other one responds by behaving equally nega vely, crea ng an endless cycle of demandingness that leads away from growth and development of the rela onship. If one spouse is willing to give up his or her demandingness, the cycle can not only be stopped, but reversed toward strengthening the marriage.1 Here is a list of one man’s expecta ons. Those checked (X) are the ones his fiance was unsure about her ability to fulfill. 1. Personal daily Bible study—at least five days a week. 2. I take care of finances (paying bills on me—not late); we get weekly allowances. 3. Faithful sexually. X 4. Exercise three mes a week (1/2 hour each). 5. Own a dog and allow him to roam in living room (but not on the furniture). 6. Allow me to keep guns and not sell them. X 7. Equal par cipa ng in household chores (she assigned a house cleaner once a week).

8. Have two or three children. 9. She does not work while any of the children are under five and not in school. X 10. Never nag. 11. Allow me to work out and go to exercise classes at least one day a week. 12. Encourage me to study. 13. Take the me to consider and listen to words and ac vi es. 14. Have summit mee ngs every three months. X 15. Spend one meal together daily if possible. 16. We buy one major thing at a me. 17. Credit cards are for emergencies only! 18. Nothing disturbs our meals together (phone off the hook). X 19. My clothes mended within two weeks. X 20. Dishes done daily.2 The next ques on to consider is the goals that the couple has for their marriage rela onship. Here are some goals that were brought in by a young woman. These are just as she expressed them: First of all, to encourage the spiritual growth of each person. To encourage the physical, mental, and emo onal growth of the other person. To produce an environment and rela onship that reflects God’s love to others. To raise children who know and love God and are equipped to live in society. To produce a rela onship and home that is full of joy and excitement. To have a rela onship where the basic needs of each person can be met in the other. Now no ce the difference between the above list and the next one. The goals of the following list are much more specific, me related, and measurable.3 1. Make the first four minutes together (morning, evening, and so on) quality me of building and affirming daily affec on. 2. Pray together on our knees in a good-sized prayer session (10-15 min.) once weekly, and pray together daily (not just meals).

3. Study the Bible together once a week besides individual quiet mes and/or reading Scripture at supper. 4. Refine communica on pa erns so that we go to sleep only a er both partners are sa sfied that they are understood and accepted by the other, and all is forgiven. 5. Prac ce hospitality. Have kids or a couple of friends over for a meal twice a month. 6. Get feedback on how marriage is going once a month. Take a two-to-three-hour block and discuss growth and sa sfac ons as well as dissa sfac on and “unimportant things.” 7. Strive for sexual pa erns that are crea ve, sa sfying, and exci ng to both partners most of the me; understanding of partner’s moods, and so on. 8. Seek to use each other as our best cri cs; seek construc ve cri cism from each other and be able to give it. One of the ques ons to explore at this me is: “What will you as a partner do to a ain these goals?” The counselor can determine how detailed a plan the individual or the couple has worked out to achieve their mutual goals. If they need help, you can assist them. Next you may want to spend some me ge ng the couple’s reac ons to the reading and listening materials. By now they should have completed their individual books and listened to the “Intended for Pleasure” tape series. Some mes when you ask, “What do you think of the material you’re reading?” one person may say, “I really didn’t like it. It didn’t help me at all. I don’t see why you asked me to read it.” This is a me when you need to be careful and refrain from being defensive. Simply ask the person to elaborate: “Well, can you tell me more about that? What are some of the things you didn’t like?” This leads into a discussion, and perhaps you will see that the reading was hi ng too close to home. The person may have seen himself in some of the cases men oned. Or he found some problems brought out in his life for the first me and did not know how to handle them. It is helpful to get feedback concerning the books; it also serves as a reminder to the couple that they need to keep up on their reading. I require a couple to complete all the reading before we have finished premarital counseling.

THE SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP On occasion, you may spend some me talking about sex, the honeymoon, and children. A tudes expressed earlier may indicate that it is essen al to spend some me talking in this area. It is helpful to talk with the couple about the way in which the Scriptures present the subject of sex. God created sex, and it is to be used for several specific purposes. Procrea on is not the only purpose of sex; sex is also meant for pleasure; it is a means of rela ng to one another and being close to one another; it is a me of giving to each other.

The counselor also needs to talk about specific details, because some mes couples make mistakes as they go into the sexual rela onship. Quite o en the woman has heard quite a bit of discussion about the ques on, “Do women really have orgasms?” She might have misconcep ons. The series of tapes by Dr. Wheat helps reduce the me spent in counseling in this area. They answer many ques ons ahead of me. Encourage the couple to be able to talk together freely about sex. One of the factors that contributes to a healthy sexual rela onship is the ability to talk about what they are doing when they are doing it. If something is not pleasing to one, he or she should say so. If one is not comfortable, he or she should express it. I also point out that if one person is having difficulty adjus ng sexually, it might not be just his or her own fault or responsibility, but a ma er of both partners working together. There is a kind of tuning process that has to occur as each individual comes to know what the other person’s body is like and how they relate together. I tell the couple that there is no set me or set place in the house where the sexual rela onship must occur. They need flexibility and freedom about me and place. They also need to be aware of the importance of cleanliness: taking a shower or a bath is very important because the nose is so sensi ve to odors. Odor can either excite an individual or actually inhibit excitement. The counselor should talk frankly and directly to the man, because men some mes have a tendency to be insensi ve to some of the li le things that are important to a woman, especially the idea of showing her affec on at all mes during the day. A man should give his wife frequent hugs and kisses without each one having to lead to the bedroom. Some women have complained that the only me their husbands expressed affec on to them was when they wanted intercourse. Affec on and a en on should occur every day whether intercourse is intended or not. O en couples rush around all day at a fran c pace, and then all of a sudden they arrive in the bedroom. They’re exhausted, but they feel, “Well, now’s the me that we have to express our love toward one another sexually,” and they do not achieve the sa sfac on they ought to be achieving. Timing and sensi vity are basic. One basic procedure is for both individuals to have thorough physical exams by their medical doctor before the wedding. In most states certain blood tests have to be performed before a couple can obtain a marriage license. If neither party has a doctor or knows of one in the area, I give them a list of several names. The tape series by Dr. Wheat discusses methods of contracep on; encourage the couple to con nue this discussion with their doctor. When it comes to the honeymoon, there are several sugges ons to make concerning sexual behavior. Some couples seem to be convinced that intercourse is mandatory on the wedding night. But this could be the worst me if the couple has had a busy day, an eight o’clock wedding, a recep on at the church, another recep on at the parents’ home a erwards, the get- away at one o’clock in the morning, a drive of a hundred miles, and the arrival at a strange motel at two or three in the morning. The couple is exhausted physically and emo onally, but then they feel, “We must have rela ons.” O en it is a disappointment for both. If they will be

very busy on their wedding day, including a late wedding, I suggest that they just get some sleep, and when they awake in the morning, they will have plenty of me, they will be relaxed and have their strength back, and they can have an experience that will be very beau ful. We must also cau on them against expec ng too much from the sexual rela onship, especially if it is the first me. Most couples learn to respond to one another; the sa sfac on and enjoyment they derive from the sexual rela onship ten years later is generally much be er than the ini al encounter. Tell them a sense of humor helps, because both of them could make some mistakes. They may feel uncomfortable, awkward, slightly embarrassed, and not know exactly what to do. We have heard of situa ons where the bed has collapsed or somebody has fallen out of bed, or there’s a short in the wiring in the building and suddenly the lights come on. These are shocking events, but a sense of humor will help the couple work toward a healthy adjustment.

PLANNING FOR CHILDREN Now is a good me to discuss how many children the couple would like to have, and when they plan to have children. Even though they do not have children at this point (at least most couples we see do not have children), this is an opportunity to talk with them about the importance of being united in their principles for disciplining and rearing their children. The counselor can suggest two or three books at this me. I also suggest that when it comes me for them to consider having a family, one of the best educa onal experiences they could have to prepare themselves for children would be to volunteer to work in either the nursery department or the toddler department of their church. They should work as a team, teaching and helping the children for six to ten months. They will become be er acquainted with what children are like and have a be er idea of what to expect when their own children come along.

SPECIAL SITUATIONS Second Marriages, Age Differences From me to me a pastor finds himself counseling people who present an unusual set of circumstances. One such couple that I counseled arrived for the session together. The woman, we’ll call her Sally, was twenty-eight years of age and had been married before. Her previous husband had been on drugs, had been involved with several other women, and had deserted the family. She had one child, who was about eight. Sally was on welfare because of the lack of support from her previous husband. She was a born-again Chris an. In contrast, Jeff was forty and had never been married. He had not had any real da ng experience before mee ng Sally, but they had been da ng now for about a year and a half, and seemed to be very much in love. Sally was about four or five inches taller than Jeff, and other differences were apparent in terms of their personality makeup. What would be your response to this couple? What areas of adjustment would you focus on? And what are some of the ques ons you might ask them?

I explored several areas with these two individuals. Sally had been living on her own for some

me and had assumed the role and responsibility of both mother and father. She had been required to take responsibility for all areas of the home. Would she be willing to give up appropriate areas to her new husband? They had already discussed this and worked out a solu on. Another poten al problem was that Jeff had not dated much and had waited un l he was almost forty before deciding to get married. What was the reason for this? He just had not found the woman God wanted him to marry. Another area of concern was the difference in their stature. We discussed it; both of them felt very comfortable about it. Would Jeff be able to adjust to the woman’s eight-year-old daughter? One of the posi ve elements in the rela onship was related to his employment: Jeff had been an elementary school physical educa on teacher for eighteen years. He knew what elementary-age children were like and had worked with them; in fact, he had already assumed some of the role of helping to discipline within the home. This had already been worked out, and Sally’s daughter felt very posi vely about this man. There were differences, and yet they were aware of them and were working on them. Another factor had to be considered: Would he be aware of the added costs in caring for a family? We discussed in detail some of the new expenses he would be having in this family life. In a case like this it would be helpful for Jeff to accompany Sally to a department store and discover the cost of women’s and children’s clothing. All in all, this couple was a delight to counsel. They were both genuine Chris ans; the Person of Christ seemed to be at the center of their rela onship. They had already made a posi ve adjustment. In-laws In-laws are a topic for discussion. Unfortunately, over the years in-laws have been the brunt of so many jokes that we assume that a couple will experience difficulty with them. It is important to explore a couple’s feelings about and rela onships with both sets of parents. Many ques ons can be asked here. What is each one’s a tude toward their parents and their fiance’s parents? Much of this may have been discussed already. We ask, “How close are you going to live to them?” “Do you feel that it would be possible for you to live a thousand miles away from your own parents?” If a couple or individual is incapable of living far away from their own parents, they might not be ready for marriage. A person shall “leave” his parents and “cleave” to his wife, according to Genesis 2:24. The word leave in the Hebrew actually means “to abandon, to forsake, to cut off, to sever a rela onship before you start a new one.” Those words are used in a posi ve sense and do not mean aliena on of family

members. But it is important to realize that some people may leave home physically but not emo onally. Perhaps the idea of living that far away can assist us in determining whether the person can really make that separa on from the parents. Parents and children need to say good-bye to one another when a marriage occurs. Neither child nor parents will have the same kind of access to one another a er the marriage that they had before. Marriage is a developmental milestone for both of them. The marriage will change the way in which both relate to one another. Marriage has been called a passage into adulthood. Both parents and children will be experiencing a form of loss at this me although parents probably feel it more. Robert Stahmann and William Hiebert describe the difficulty in this way:

Some families enable their children to go away, to become independent, and to be responsible, func oning adults. Other families hang on, making decisions for their children, interrup ng the children’s decision-making process, and con nuing to take responsibility for them. In the process, these families cripple the ability of children to become independent and responsible. Thus, children enter late adolescence or young adulthood physically ready and able to enter marriage but s ll not adult in terms of their own responsibility and decision-making ability. These families have made so many decisions for their children that even as young adults, these children s ll need somebody to help them live, to get them up in the morning, to see to it that they go to work, and so on. It is as if these families somehow do not successfully resolve the young persons’ dependency needs.4

To ini ate the discussion about in-laws and their influence upon the couple’s life I ask, “How and where do you want to spend your first Thanksgiving and Christmas?” In prac cally all cases, the asking of this ques on elicits a strong response that usually is already an in-law conflict. O en parents assume that the new couple will fit into their own family tradi ons without allowing the couple any voice of their own. One couple responded by saying, “We have already worked through that problem. Her folks and mine had already made plans for us. We told them, however, that we wanted our first Thanksgiving and Christmas to be special, and so we had rented a cabin in the mountains for the two of us. The parents aren’t the happiest about the decision, but they are accep ng it. The next year then we can all work it out together where we will be.” Several other ques ons should be asked. They include, “How do you an cipate dealing with your parents a er marriage? How do you an cipate dealing with your in-laws? How much me do you feel you will want to spend with your parents and in-laws in the first year of your marriage? How near do you plan to live to your parents or in-laws? If you visit one set of parents one week, do you feel that you need to visit the other set of parents another week?” These are basic ques ons, but they are subject areas that have not been dealt with by most couples.

The informa on you receive back from the parents on their forms will help you in your discussion with the couple. Why is it so important that individuals leave home psychologically? There are several important reasons. Those who have not le home keep ge ng caught up in family problems. Because of the crises going on in the larger families, their own marriage tends to stay in crisis. A second factor is that individuals who have not le home psychologically tend to look for partners who might con nue the paren ng that they received at home. They look for a person who will take care of them rather than be an equal partner. Those who have not yet separated from their parents usually come from homes in which the parents do not want them to separate. In-laws can be an excellent resource in terms of emo onal support and advice. Young couples need to look at them as they would at other friends. Looking at them with a posi ve a tude builds the rela onship. During the counseling session, if one individual is having difficulty with the other’s parents, you could ask, “What might you have been doing to bring on this problem? What might they have been doing? What have you done to try to bring about a reconcilia on?” The counselor can present certain guidelines about in-laws to the couple. Some of these are just common sense principles. For instance, a person should treat his in-laws with the same considera on and respect that he gives to friends who are not in-laws. When in-laws take an interest in your life and give advice, do what you would do if a friend gave advice. If it is good, follow it; if it is not good, accept it graciously and then ignore it. Remember that many mes when in-laws appear too concerned with your affairs, they are not trying to interfere in your life but are sincerely interested in your welfare. Remind the individual to look for the good points in his or her in-laws. The visits should be kept short, yet the son- or daughter-in-law should act as though ul, courteous, and helpful as when he/she is visi ng homes of other friends. That means accep ng the in-laws as they are. The individuals should go into marriage with a posi ve a tude toward their in-laws. They should believe it is a good family to marry into and intend to enjoy their new family. At the same

me, the partner should express the faults of his spouse only to her, not to his parents. He should not quote his parents nor hold them up as models to his spouse. Remind the couple that it takes at least two people to create an in-law problem; no one person is ever solely to blame.

IMPROVING THE COMMUNICATION Ask the individual if there is anything he/she has never shared with the partner. Some mes I ask a couple to discuss a subject that they have not talked about much, or a controversial subject. It is healthy for the couple to disagree in your presence; it allows you to see some of the communica on principles they might be employing to handle their disagreements. If they have such a discussion, ask them to sit face-to-face, to move their chairs so they are looking at one another. Many mes married couples learn to communicate “from the hip,” as we call it. They run past each other on the way to the other room, or the wife is in one room fixing the dinner, and the husband is in the other room reading the paper. They talk to one another but rarely

have eye contact. I want the couple to experience looking into each other’s face and to note some of the nonverbal communica on. Once they are se led face-to-face, I sit back and let them talk for two or three minutes, or even for ten minutes. Another method that will aid communica on is to record the conversa on (asking their permission to do so, and keeping the tape recorder out of their view). Then play back some of the discussion so that all of you can analyze communica on. This can be a very enjoyable experience. People are surprised to hear how they express themselves to others. As counselors we look at a couple to determine if they have the ability to share on a deep emo onal and feeling level. We want them to be able to share their convic ons, their ideas, their philosophies, and not only that, but how they feel about some of their ideas and beliefs. Many people communicate only on what we call the “cliché level.” They talk about the weather; they talk about how they feel physically; they talk about some mundane subject, but they do not get down to serious problems and topics. They do not talk about their rela onship. In premarital counseling, in a sense we are forcing people to talk about items that they have not wanted to talk about but really need to discuss. Counseling gives us an opportunity to share some basic principles of communica on with the couple. A basis for communica on is an atmosphere in which people can express their ideas and their beliefs, no ma er what they are. We also emphasize that they cannot really avoid controversy, so they might as well learn to face some of the difficul es. Using the silent treatment against another person is very unfair and does not solve the problem. If you have a couple who already has this tendency, you could work with the more verbal individual and ask, “When your partner retreats and becomes silent and won’t communicate with you, how are you going to get him or her to communicate?” O en people who are verbal fall into the trap of pu ng pressure on that nonverbal person. They will say, “Why don’t you talk to me? I want to listen to you. Tell me what you’re thinking.” And the more pressure they put on, the more the other individual withdraws. One of the best ways to solve this problem is for the verbal person to say, “I do want to hear what you have to say, and I do want to listen. I’m also willing to wait un l you find it comfortable to express yourself.” Then back off and do not men on it again. It might take ten minutes; it might take an hour for the person to communicate. And when he does talk, it is impera ve for the verbal one not to make value judgments such as, “Well, where did you ever get a ridiculous idea like that? That’s really stupid!” If this happens the quiet one realizes that it is not worthwhile to reveal what he believes, because he will be cri cized. By now the couple should be reading How to Speak Your Spouse’s Language. A er they have completed the first five chapters, have them bring in a list of the ten most important principles that will assist them in their life together. During the next week or so they will be comple ng the chapters on communica on and conflict resolu on in Before You Say I Do that will assist the couple in further growth in this area. You

might want to ask them during the fourth session if they have any ques ons or reac ons to the chapter on need fulfillment in marriage.

NEEDS FULFILLMENT From me to me you will have a couple who is not using Before You Say I Do, or you believe some of the projects should be done in your presence. If the topic area of needs fulfillment is handled in the session, it is done in the following way. The counselor asks each person to take four sheets of 8 ½- by 11-inch paper and draw a line down the middle of each one. One sheet should be tled “Social Needs.” Another should be called “Physical Needs,” another “Emo onal Needs,” and the last, “Spiritual Needs.” On the le side of the page the individual should list as many of the needs as he or she can for this area of his life. On the right side of the paper he/she should list what his future spouse could do to meet those needs. The couple does not talk about the lists during the week. They bring the lists with them their session. At the session, each page is folded in half so that the future spouse can read the list of needs but not the way he can fulfill those needs. The couple exchanges their two folded papers with each other. Then at home during the week, each one should read in detail the future spouse’s list of needs. On a separate piece of paper he will write what he thinks he can do to fulfill those needs. When the couple returns the next week, they can open the other side of their papers and share their ideas of how to meet the needs with the other’s list. Then they can discuss this together. By now you have covered much of the content of the third and fourth sessions. There are occasions in which you will not cover it all in two sessions and may have to con nue it into the fi h session. Between the third and fourth sessions the couple is given several assignments that are due by the fi h session. First, they are asked to have Bible study and prayer together. Many couples have already started, but some have not. In fact, some have said, “What do we do? We’ve never done it before.” This is an opportunity to share some basic principles with them. You may need to remind them to remind their parents to complete their assignment and send it to you.

NOTES 1. Joseph Maxwell, “A Ra onal Emo ve Approach to Strengthening Marriage,” in Nick S nne , Barbara Chesser, and John DeFrain, eds., Building Family Strengths: Blueprint for Ac on (Lincoln, Neb.: U. of Nebraska, 1979), p. 112. 2. H. Norman Wright, So You’re Ge ng Married (Ventura, Calif.: Regal, 1985), p. 110.

3. Ibid, pp. 115-16, adapted. 4. Robert E. Stahmann and William J. Hiebert, Premarital Counseling (Lexington, Mass.: Lexington Books, 1980), p. 19.