D8 - MC

Chapman, G. (2024). The 5 love languages (4th ed.). Northfield Publishing. https://bookshelf.vitalsource.com/books/9780802492401

Chapter 7

LOVE LANGUAGE #4 Acts of Service

Michelle sat in the living room, pecking away at the laptop. She could hear sounds from the u lity room, where husband Brad was catching up with the piles of laundry. She smiled to herself. In recent days Brad had cleaned the condo, fixed supper, and run the errands, all because Michelle was in the midst of working on her thesis for grad school. It made her feel content … loved. Michelle’s primary love language was what I call “acts of service.” By acts of service, I mean doing things you know your spouse would like you to do. You seek to please her by serving her, to express your love for her by doing things for her. So it was with Doug and Kate, whom we met in the last chapter. Such ac ons as cooking a meal, se ng a table, emptying the dishwasher, vacuuming, changing the baby’s diaper, picking up a prescrip on, keeping the car in opera ng condi on, paying the bills, trimming the shrubs, walking the dog, and dealing with landlords and insurance companies are all acts of service. They require thought, planning, me, effort, and energy. If done with a posi ve spirit, they are indeed expressions of love. And they don’t necessarily require a lot of me. One man always dreaded the chore of bringing in the garbage cans from the curb at the end of a long workweek. All he wanted to do was go directly in the house, kick off his shoes, and relax. But some nights were different: “As I turned down our street and scanned the horizon for the toppled cans, they were nowhere to be seen. My wife had already taken them into the garage. The empty curb was a clear message to me: ‘I was thinking of you. You were with me, even when you were gone.’”2 CONVERSATION IN A MILL TOWN I discovered the impact of acts of service in the li le village of China Grove, North Carolina. China Grove sits in central North Carolina, originally nestled in chinaberry trees, not far from Andy Griffith’s legendary Mayberry. At the me of this story, China Grove was a tex le town with a popula on of 1,500. I had been away for more than ten years, studying anthropology, psychology, and theology. I was making my semiannual visit to keep in touch with my roots. Almost everyone I knew except Dr. Shin and Dr. Smith worked in the mill. Dr. Shin was the medical doctor, and Dr. Smith was the den st. And of course, there was Preacher Blackburn, who was pastor of the church. For most couples in China Grove, life centered on work and

church. The conversa on at the mill focused on the superintendent’s latest decision and how it affected their job in par cular. The services at church focused mainly on the an cipated joys of heaven. In that pris ne American se ng, I discovered love language number four. I was standing under a chinaberry tree a er church on Sunday when a young couple approached me. I didn’t recognize either of them. I assumed they had grown up while I was away. Introducing himself, Dave said, “I hear you’ve been studying counseling.” I smiled and said, “Well, a li le bit.” “I have a ques on,” he said. “Can a couple make it in marriage if they disagree on everything?” It was one of those theore cal ques ons that I knew had a personal root. I went right to the point. “How long have you been married?” “Two years,” he responded. “And we don’t agree on anything.” “Give me some examples,” I said. “Well, for one thing, Mary doesn’t like me to go hun ng. I work all week in the mill, and I like to go hun ng on Saturdays—not every Saturday but when hun ng season is in.” Mary had been silent un l this point when she interjected. “When hun ng season is out, he goes fishing, and besides that, he doesn’t hunt just on Saturdays. He takes off from work to go hun ng.” “Once or twice a year I take off two or three days from work to go hun ng in the mountains with some buddies,” Dave said, irritated. “What’s wrong with that?” “What else do you disagree on?” I asked. “Well, she wants me to go to church all the me. I don’t mind going on Sunday morning, but Sunday night I like to rest. It’s all right if she wants to go, but I don’t think I ought to have to go.” Again Mary spoke up. “You don’t really want me to go either,” she said. “You fuss every me I walk out the door.” I knew that things weren’t supposed to be ge ng this hot under a shady tree in front of a church. As a young, aspiring counselor, I feared that I was ge ng in over my head, but having been trained to ask ques ons and listen, I con nued. “What other things do you disagree on?” This me Mary answered. “He wants me to stay home all day and work in the house,” she said. “He gets mad if I go see my mother or go shopping or something.”

“I don’t mind her going to see her mother,” he said, “but when I come home, I like to see the house cleaned up. Some weeks, she doesn’t make the bed up for three or four days, and half the me, she hasn’t even started supper. I work hard, and I like to eat when I get home. Besides that, the house is a wreck,” he con nued. “The baby’s things are all over the floor, the baby is dirty, and I don’t like filth. She seems to be happy to live in a pigpen. We don’t have very much, and we live in a small mill house, but at least it could be clean.” “What’s wrong with him helping me around the house?” Mary asked. “He acts like a husband shouldn’t do anything around the house. All he wants to do is work and hunt. He expects me to do everything.” Thinking that I had be er start looking for solu ons rather than prying for more disagreements, I looked at Dave and asked, “Dave, when you were da ng, before you got married, did you go hun ng or fishing every Saturday?” “Pre y much, but I always got home in me to go see her on Saturday night. Most of the me, I’d get home in me to wash my truck before I went to see her. I didn’t like to go see her with a dirty truck.” As we con nued talking, I learned that Mary had go en married right out of high school and that during her senior year Dave came to see her almost every night and stayed for supper. “He would help me do my chores around the house and then we’d sit and talk un l supper me.” “Dave, what did the two of you do a er supper?” I asked. He looked up with a sheepish smile and said, “Well, the regular da ng stuff, you know.” “But if I had a school project,” Mary said, “he’d help me with it. Some mes we worked hours on school projects. I was in charge of the Christmas float for the senior class. He helped me for three weeks every a ernoon. He was great.” I switched gears and focused on the third area of their disagreement. “Dave, when you were da ng, did you go to church with Mary on Sunday nights?” “Yes, I did,” he said. “If I didn’t go to church with her, I couldn’t see her that night. Her father was strict that way.” I thought I was beginning to see some light, but I wasn’t sure they were seeing it. I asked Mary, “When you were da ng Dave, what convinced you that he really loved you? What made him different from other guys you had dated?” “It was the way he helped me with everything,” she said. “None of the other guys cared about all that. He even helped me wash dishes when he had supper at our house. He was the most incredible person I had ever met, but a er we got married that changed.”

Turning to Dave, I asked, “Why do you think you did all these things for her before you were married?” “It just seemed natural for me,” he said. “It’s what I would want someone to do for me if she cared about me.” “And why do you think you stopped helping her a er you got married?” I asked. “Well, I guess I expected it to be like my family. Dad worked, and Mom took care of things at the house. I never saw my dad do anything around the house. Since Mom stayed home, she did everything—cooking, cleaning, washing, and ironing. I just thought that was the way it was supposed to be.” Now we were ge ng somewhere. “Dave, a moment ago what did you hear Mary say when I asked her what really made her feel loved by you when you were da ng?” He responded, “Helping her with things and doing things with her.” “So, can you understand how she could feel unloved when you stopped helping her with things?” He was nodding yes. I con nued. “It was a normal thing for you to follow the model of your mother and father in marriage. Almost all of us tend to do that, but your behavior toward Mary was a radical change from your courtship. The one thing that had assured her of your love disappeared.” Then I asked Mary, “What did you hear Dave say when I asked, ‘Why did you do all of those things to help Mary when you were da ng?’” “He said that it came naturally to him,” she replied. “That’s right,” I said, “and he also said that is what he would want someone to do for him if she loved him. He was doing those things for you and with you because in his mind that’s the way anyone shows love. Once you were married and living in your own house, he had expecta ons of what you would do if you loved him. You would keep the house clean, you would cook, and so on. In brief, you would do things for him to express your love. When he did not see you doing those things, do you understand why he would feel unloved?” Mary was nodding now too. I con nued, “My guess is that the reason you are both so unhappy in your marriage is that neither of you is showing your love by doing things for each other.” Mary said, “I think you’re right, and the reason I stopped doing things for him is because I didn’t like how he bossed me around. It was as if he was trying to make me be like his mother.”

“That’s it,” I said. “No one likes to be forced to do anything. In fact, love is always freely given. Love cannot be demanded. We can request things of each other, but we must never demand anything. Requests give direc on to love, but demands stop the flow of love.” Dave looked though ul. “I did boss her around—demand, like you said. I guess I was disappointed in her as a wife. I know I said some cruel things, and I understand how she could be upset with me.” “I think things can be turned around rather easily at this juncture,” I said. I pulled two note cards out of my pocket. “Let’s try something. I want each of you to sit on the steps of the church and make a request list. Dave, I want you to list three or four things that if Mary chose to do them would make you feel loved when you walk into the house in the a ernoon. If making the bed is important to you, then put it down. Mary, I want you to make a list of three or four things that you would really like to have Dave’s help in doing, things which, if he chose to do them, would help you know that he loved you.” (I’m big on lists; they force us to think concretely.) A er five to six minutes, they handed me their lists. Dave’s list read: • Make up the beds every day. • Have the baby’s face washed when I get home. • Put her shoes in the closet before I get home. • Try to have supper at least started before I get home so that we could eat within 30 to 45 minutes a er I get home. I read the list out loud and said to Dave, “I’m understanding you to say that if Mary chooses to do these four things, you will view them as acts of love toward you.” “Yeah,” he said, “just those four things. That would really make a difference in how I feel about her.” Then I read Mary’s list: • I wish he would wash the car every week instead of expec ng me to do it. • I wish he would change the baby’s diaper a er he gets home in the a ernoon, especially if I am working on supper. • I wish he would vacuum the house for me once a week. • I wish he would mow the lawn every week in the summer and not let it get so tall that I’m ashamed of our yard.

I said, “Mary, I am understanding you to say that if Dave chooses to do those four things, you would take his ac ons as genuine expressions of love toward you.” “I would,” she said. “Can you do what she asks, Dave?” “Yes,” he said. “Mary, what about you? Can you do the things on Dave’s list?” “Yes, I can. In the past, it always seemed like no ma er what I did, it was never enough.” I turned to Dave. “Dave, you understand that what I am sugges ng is a change from the model of marriage that your mother and father had.” “Oh, my dad cut the grass and washed the car.” “But he didn’t change the diapers or vacuum, right?” “Never!” he said, grinning. “You don’t have to do these, you understand? If you do them, however, it will be an act of love to Mary.” And to Mary I said, “You understand that you don’t have to do these things, but if you want to express love for Dave, here are four ways that will be meaningful to him. I want to suggest that you try these for two months and see if they help. At the end of two months, you may want to add addi onal requests to your lists and share them with each other. I would not add more than one request per month, however.” “This really makes sense,” Mary said. “Thank you,” Dave said. They took each other by the hand and walked toward their car. I said to myself out loud, “I think this is what church is all about. I think I am going to enjoy being a counselor.” I have never forgo en the insight I gained under that chinaberry tree.

WHAT I LEARNED FROM DAVE AND MARY A er years of research, I have realized what a unique situa on Dave and Mary presented me. Seldom do I meet a couple who both have the same love language—in this case, acts of service. But you may be wondering, Then why were they having so much difficulty? The answer lies in the fact that they were speaking different dialects. They were doing things for each other—but not the most important things. When Mary and Dave were forced to think concretely, they

easily iden fied their specific dialects, and when they started speaking them, their love tanks began to fill. It’s easy to work at the wrong things. A husband could spend an en re long weekend doing chores—raking leaves, preparing the lawn for winter, winding up hoses and pu ng them away, winterizing the cars, pulling holiday decora ons out of the a c, cu ng logs for the fireplace— and not add a drop to his wife’s love tank. On the other hand, that same husband could bring home Chinese takeout, clean the kitchen a erward, and then put the kids to bed on his own while his wife was wiped out a er a long day—and fill her love tank to overflowing. Before we leave our mill town friends, I would like to make three other observa ons. First, they illustrate clearly that what we do for each other before marriage is no indica on of what we will do a er marriage. Before marriage, we are carried along by the force of the in-love obsession. A er marriage, we revert to being the people we were before we “fell in love.” Our ac ons are influenced by the model of our parents; our own personality; our percep ons of love; our emo ons, needs, and desires. Only one thing is certain about our behavior: It will not be the same behavior we exhibited when we were caught up in being “in love.” That leads me to the second truth: Love is a choice and cannot be coerced. Dave and Mary were cri cizing each other’s behavior and ge ng nowhere. Once they decided to make requests of each other rather than demands, their marriage began to turn around. Cri cism and demands tend to drive wedges. With enough cri cism, you may get acquiescence from your spouse. He may do what you want, but probably it will not be an expression of love. You can give guidance to love by making requests: “I wish you would wash the car, change the baby’s diaper, mow the grass,” but you cannot create the will to love. Each of us must decide daily to love or not to love our spouses. If we choose to love, then expressing it in the way in which our spouse requests will make our love most effec ve emo onally. There is a third truth, which only the mature lover will be able to hear. My spouse’s cri cisms about my behavior provide me with the clearest clue to her primary love language. People tend to cri cize their spouse most loudly in the area where they themselves have the deepest emo onal need. Their cri cism is an ineffec ve way of pleading for love. If we understand that, it may help us process their cri cism in a more produc ve manner. A wife may say to her husband a er he gives her a cri cism, “It sounds like that is extremely important to you. Could you explain why it is so crucial?” Cri cism o en needs clarifica on. Ini a ng such a conversa on may eventually turn the cri cism into a request rather than a demand. Mary’s constant condemna on of Dave’s hun ng was not an expression of her hatred for the sport of hun ng. She blamed hun ng as the thing that kept him from washing the car, vacuuming the house, and mowing the grass. When he learned to meet her need for love by speaking her emo onal love language, she became free to support him in his hun ng.

DOORMAT OR LOVER?

“I have served him for twenty years. I have waited on him hand and foot. I have been his doormat while he ignored me, mistreated me, and humiliated me in front of my friends and family. I don’t hate him. I wish him no ill, but I resent him, and I no longer wish to live with him.” That wife has performed acts of service for twenty years, but they have not been expressions of love. They were done out of fear, guilt, and resentment. A doormat is an inanimate object. You can wipe your feet on it, step on it, kick it around, or whatever you like. It has no will of its own. It can be your servant but not your lover. When we treat our spouses as objects, we preclude the possibility of love. Manipula on by guilt (“If you were a good spouse, you would do this for me”) is not the language of love. Coercion by fear (“You will do this or you will be sorry”) is alien to love. No person should ever be a doormat. We may allow ourselves to be used, but we are in fact creatures of emo on, thoughts, and desires. And we have the ability to make decisions and take ac on. Allowing oneself to be used or manipulated by another is not an act of love. It is, in fact, an act of treason. You are allowing him or her to develop inhumane habits. Love says, “I love you too much to let you treat me this way. It is not good for you or me.” Learning the love language of acts of service will require some of us to reexamine our stereotypes of the roles of husbands and wives. These have changed over the last several decades, but models from our past can linger, and different cultures have different expecta ons of the “right” way things are done in marriage. To Dave’s credit, he was willing to break from his expecta ons when he realized how important it was to Mary. That is necessary for all of us if our spouse’s primary love language asks something of us that seems inappropriate to our role. A willingness to examine and change stereotypes is necessary in order to express love more effec vely. Remember, there are no rewards for maintaining stereotypes, but there are tremendous benefits to mee ng the emo onal needs of your spouse. If your spouse’s love language is acts of service, then “ac ons speak louder than words.” Now let’s move on to love language number five.

A QUICK THOUGHT ABOUT ACTS OF SERVICE From Drs. Les & Leslie Parro

Gary was in the zone. If you know Gary, you know what we mean. He has no vices, save one: dessert. A lunch or dinner with Gary almost always includes a slice of pie or cake. That’s when he goes silent. Everything fades as he focuses on his confec on like an anthropologist unearthing a delectable treasure. So we waited. Post-BBQ lunch at a sun-drenched outdoor table in Nashville, Les and I knew be er than to interrupt the man while a slice of banana cream pie had his full a en on. But

when his fork hit the table a er his last blissful bite, I (Leslie) had a ques on: “Gary, what was the first love language you ever discovered?” Gary, edged away his empty pie plate, leaned back, and crossed his arms: “You know what? Karolyn and I were married 20 years before I understood what I’m about to tell you. I just didn’t get it. I would tell Karolyn how nice she looked and how much I appreciated her, and I would tell her over and over how much I loved her. But one night Karolyn said to me, ‘You keep saying “I love you,” but if you love me, why don’t you help me?’” Gary leaned in as if he was about to divulge a secret. So Les and I leaned in, too. “Eureka!” Gary exclaimed. “I suddenly realized that while I loved hearing compliments, Karolyn loved it when I did chores. It was a revela on. And it’s what helped me discover what I eventually called ‘acts of service.’ In fact, that’s part of how it all began for me on this love language journey.” Les and I are in the same boat as Gary and Karolyn, but reversed: Like Gary, my love tank gets filled with words of affirma on. Les loves acts of service—especially acts that save him me. That’s his “dialect.” How do I know? Because he’s told me. If I run an errand for him or track down some research he needs for a wri ng project, his love tank fills up. Once I realized how loved he felt by these simple acts, I felt compelled to make a list of things I could do for him: Walk the dog when it’s rainy, keep ice cream in the freezer, pick up the mail and put it on his desk, drop his car off for an oil change, and so on. Sounds a li le silly to me—as one who primarily feels loved with words of affirma on—but these ac ons (when I do them with a loving spirit) make Les feel deeply loved. Are you like Les? Is acts of service your primary love language? If so, can you describe your dialect to your loved ones? This will be a game-changer for your rela onships, and The 5 Love Languages Premium Assessment will help you do just that. As you can probably tell, we’re eager for you to explore this powerful online tool, if it’s piquing your interest (see 5lovelanguages.com/premium). It will help you know, for example, if you or your loved one prefers acts of service that save me or alleviate stress. Or do you know if it’s acts of service that convey care that ma er most? Or ins ll security? These deeper ways of understanding and speaking this love language make all the difference.

Of course, acts of service may be a foreign love language to you. If so, I (Leslie) understand how you’re feeling. You’re probably asking yourself, how in the world can running an errand make your partner feel loved? But trust me, once you learn to speak this love language, even a li le, to the person in your life who is longing to hear it, you will be in awe. And once you pinpoint your loved one’s acts of service dialect, look out! Your rela onship will never be the same. I’ve seen it in my own marriage and with the countless couples that we have counseled. If we haven’t go en the point across yet, indulge us: learning to speak in acts of service, if that’s your loved one’s love language, is like preparing a favorite dessert with the finest ingredients and ensuring that every bite is a pure delight. Why? Because for certain someones, li le acts of service—baked into a daily experience of love—get their full a en on. It’s pure bliss. Just ask Gary, nothing is sweeter than that.

IF YOUR SPOUSE’S LOVE LANGUAGE IS ACTS OF SERVICE: 1. Consider serving someone (or something) your spouse loves: an older rela ve, caring a en vely for a pet, a favorite cause. 2. Print note cards with the following: “Today I will show my love for you by …” Complete the sentence with a task you know your spouse would love you to do: picking up the clu er, taking old clothes to a thri store, fixing something that’s been broken a long me, weeding the garden. (Bonus points if it’s a chore that’s been put off.) 3. Ask your spouse to make a list of ten things he or she would like for you to do during the next month. Then ask your spouse to priori ze those by numbering them 1–10, with 1 being the most important and 10 being least important. Use this list to plan your strategy for a month of love. (Get ready to live with a happy spouse.) 4. While your spouse is away, get the children to help you with some act of service for him. When he walks in the door, join the children in shou ng, “Surprise! We love you!” Then share your act of service.

5. This can also work when your spouse is away for a long period of me, such as a military deployment. Recruit the kids to help you with some act of service for him. Take a picture of the results and send it—or, even be er, show it to him via video and yell, “Surprise! We love you!” 6. If your requests to your mate come across as nags or putdowns, try wri ng them in words that would be less offensive to them. Share this revised wording with your spouse. For example, “The yard always looks so nice, and I really appreciate your work. I’d love to thank you in advance for mowing the lawn this week before Paul and Amy come over for dinner.” Your husband might even respond, “Where’s the lawnmower, I can’t wait!” Try it and see. 7. If you have more money than me, hire someone to do the acts of service that neither of you wants to do, such as the yard work or a once-a-month deep cleaning of your home. 8. Run interference for your spouse during his or her favorite TV show or important sports event. Take care of all the phone calls, kid emergencies, and so on.

Chapter 8

LOVE LANGUAGE #5 Physical Touch

We have long known that physical touch is a way of communica ng emo onal love. Numerous research projects in the area of child development have made that conclusion: Babies who are held, stroked, and kissed develop a healthier emo onal life than those who are le for long periods of me without physical contact. Physical touch is also a powerful vehicle for communica ng marital love. Holding hands, kissing, embracing, and sexual intercourse are all ways of communica ng emo onal love to one’s spouse. For some individuals, physical touch is their primary love language. Without it, they feel unloved. With it, their emo onal tank is filled, and they feel secure in the love of their spouse.

THE POWER OF TOUCH

Of the five senses, touching, unlike the other four, is not limited to one localized area of the body. Tiny tac le receptors are located throughout the body. When those receptors are touched or pressed, nerves carry impulses to the brain. The brain interprets these impulses and we perceive that the thing that touched us is warm or cold, hard or so . It causes pain or pleasure. We may also interpret it as loving or hos le. Some parts of the body are more sensi ve than others. The difference is due to the fact that the

ny tac le receptors are not sca ered evenly over the body but arranged in clusters. Thus, the p of the tongue is highly sensi ve to touch whereas the back of the shoulders is the least

sensi ve. The ps of the fingers and the p of the nose are other extremely sensi ve areas. Our purpose, however, is not to understand the neurological basis of the sense of touch but rather its psychological importance. Physical touch can make or break a rela onship. It can communicate hate or love. To the person whose primary love language is physical touch, the message will be far louder than the words “I hate you” or “I love you.” Physical abuse is always wrong and detrimental to any rela onship, but it is par cularly devasta ng to a person whose primary love language is touch. A tender hug communicates love to any child, but it shouts love to the child whose primary love language is physical touch. The same is true of adults. In marriage, the touch of love may take many forms. Since touch receptors are located throughout the body, lovingly touching your spouse almost anywhere can be an expression of love. That does not mean that all touches are created equal. Some will bring more pleasure to your spouse than others. Your best instructor is your spouse, of course. A er all, she is the one you are seeking to love. She knows best what she perceives as a loving touch. Don’t insist on touching her in your way and in your me. Learn to speak her love dialect. Your spouse may find some touches uncomfortable or irrita ng. To insist on con nuing those touches is to communicate the opposite of love. It is saying that you are not sensi ve to her needs and that you care li le about her percep ons of what is pleasant. Don’t make the mistake of believing that the touch that brings pleasure to you will also bring pleasure to her. Love touches may be explicit and demand your full a en on, such as in a back rub or sexual foreplay, culmina ng in intercourse. On the other hand, love touches may be implicit and require only a moment, such as pu ng your hand on his shoulder as you pour a cup of coffee or rubbing your body against him as you pass in the kitchen. Explicit love touches obviously take more me, not only in actual touching but in developing your understanding of how to communicate love to your spouse this way. If a back massage communicates love loudly to your spouse, then the me, money, and energy you spend in learning to be a good masseur or masseuse will be well invested. If sexual intercourse is your mate’s primary dialect, reading about and discussing the art of sexual lovemaking will enhance your expression of love. Implicit love touches require li le me but much thought, especially if physical touch is not your primary love language and if you did not grow up in a “touching family.” Si ng close to each other as you watch your favorite television program requires no addi onal me but may

communicate your love loudly. Touching your spouse as you walk through the room where he is si ng takes only a moment. Touching each other when you leave the house and again when you return may involve only a brief kiss or hug but will speak volumes to your spouse. Once you discover that physical touch is the primary love language of your spouse, you are limited only by your imagina on on ways to express love. Coming up with new ways and places to touch can be an exci ng challenge. If you have not been an “under-the-table toucher,” you might find that it will add a spark to your dining out. If you are not accustomed to holding hands in public, you may find that you can fill your spouse’s emo onal love tank as you stroll through the parking lot. If you don’t normally kiss as soon as you get into the car together, you may find that it will greatly enhance your travels. Hugging your spouse before she goes shopping may not only express love, it may bring her home sooner. Try new touches in new places and let your spouse give you feedback on whether he finds it pleasurable or not. Remember, he has the final word. You are learning to speak his language.

THE BODY IS FOR TOUCHING Whatever there is of me resides in my body. To touch my body is to touch me. To withdraw from my body is to distance yourself from me emo onally. In our society, shaking hands is a way of communica ng openness and social closeness to another individual. When on rare occasions one man refuses to shake hands with another, it communicates a message that things are not right in their rela onship. All socie es have some form of physical touching as a means of social gree ng. The average American male may not feel comfortable with the European bear hug and kiss, but in Europe that serves the same func on as our shaking hands. There are appropriate and inappropriate ways to touch members of the opposite sex in every society. The recent a en on to sexual harassment has highlighted the inappropriate ways. Within marriage, however, what is appropriate and inappropriate touching is determined by the couple themselves, within certain broad guidelines. Physical abuse is of course deemed inappropriate by society, and social organiza ons have been formed to help “the ba ered wife and the ba ered husband.” Clearly our bodies are for touching, but not for abuse. This age is characterized as the age of sexual openness and freedom. With that freedom, we have demonstrated that the open marriage where both spouses are free to have sexual in macies with other individuals is fanciful. Those who do not object on moral grounds eventually object on emo onal grounds. Something about our need for in macy and love does not allow us to give our spouse such freedom. The emo onal pain is deep and in macy evaporates when we are aware that our spouse is involved with someone else sexually. Counselors’ files are filled with records of husbands and wives who are trying to grapple with the emo onal trauma of an unfaithful spouse. That trauma, however, is compounded for the individual whose primary love language is physical touch. That for which he longs so deeply— love expressed by physical touch—is now being given to another. His emo onal love tank is not only empty; it has been riddled by an explosion. It will take massive repairs for those emo onal needs to be met.

CRISIS AND PHYSICAL TOUCH Almost ins nc vely in a me of crisis, we hug one another. Why? Because physical touch is a powerful communicator of love. In a me of crisis, more than anything, we need to feel loved. We cannot always change events, but we can survive if we feel loved. All marriages will experience crises. The death of parents is inevitable. Automobile accidents cripple and kill thousands each year. Disease is no respecter of persons. Disappointments are a part of life. The most important thing you can do for your mate in a me of crisis is to love him or her. If your spouse’s primary love language is physical touch, nothing is more important than holding her as she cries. Your words may mean li le, but your physical touch will communicate that you care. Crises provide a unique opportunity for expressing love. Your tender touches will be remembered long a er the crisis has passed. Your failure to touch may never be forgo en.

“MARRIAGE IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THIS WAY” Since my first visit to West Palm Beach, Florida, many years ago, I have always welcomed invita ons to lead marriage seminars in that area. It was on one such occasion that I met Joe and Maria. They were not na ve to Florida (few are), but they had lived there for ten years and called West Palm Beach home. They had invited me to spend the night, and I knew from experience that such a request usually meant a late-night counseling session. As the evening proceeded, I thoroughly enjoyed Joe and Maria’s company. I found them to be a healthy, happily married couple. For a counselor, that is an oddity. I was eager to discover their secret, but being extremely red and knowing that they were going to drive me to the airport the next day, I decided to do my probing when I was feeling more alert and we had forty-five minutes in the car together. Maria and Joe began to tell me their story. In the early years of their marriage, they had tremendous difficul es. They had grown up in the same community, a ended the same church, and graduated from the same high school. They liked the same music, the same sports, the same movies. They seemed to possess all the commonali es that are supposed to ensure fewer conflicts in marriage. They began da ng in their senior year in high school. They a ended separate colleges but saw each other frequently, and were married three weeks a er he received his degree in business and she a degree in nursing. Two months later, they moved to Florida, where Joe had been offered a good job. The first three months were exci ng—moving, finding a new apartment, enjoying life together. They were about six months into the marriage when Maria began to feel that Joe was withdrawing from her. He was working longer hours, and when he was at home, he spent considerable me with the computer. When she finally expressed her feelings that he was avoiding her, Joe told her that he was not avoiding her but simply trying to stay on top of his job. He said that she didn’t understand the pressure he was under and how important it was

that he do well in his first year on the job. Maria wasn’t pleased, but she decided to give him space. She began to develop friendships with other wives who lived in the apartment complex. O en when she knew Joe was going to work late, she would go shopping with one of her friends instead of coming straight home a er work. Some mes she was not at home when Joe arrived. That annoyed him greatly, and he accused her of being thoughtless and irresponsible. Maria retorted, “Who’s irresponsible? You don’t even call me and let me know when you’ll be home. How can I be here for you when I don’t even know when you’ll be here? And when you are here, you spend all your me working. You don’t need a wife; all you need is a computer!” To which Joe shot back, “I do need a wife. Don’t you understand? That’s the whole point. I do need a wife.” But Maria did not understand. She was extremely confused. In her search for answers, she went to the public library and checked out several books on marriage. “Marriage is not supposed to be this way,” she reasoned. “I have to find an answer to our situa on.” When Joe went on his laptop, Maria would pick up her book. In fact on many evenings, she read un l midnight. On his way to bed, Joe would no ce her and make sarcas c comments such as, “If you read that much in college, you would have made straight As.” Maria would respond, “I’m not in college. I’m in marriage, and right now, I’d be sa sfied with a C.” Joe went to bed without so much as a second glance. At the end of the first year, Maria was desperate. She had men oned it before, but this me she calmly said to Joe, “I am going to find a marriage counselor. Do you want to go with me?” But Joe answered, “I don’t need a marriage counselor. I don’t have me to go to a marriage counselor. I can’t afford a marriage counselor.” “Then I’ll go alone,” said Maria. “Fine, you’re the one who needs counseling anyway.” The conversa on was over. Maria felt totally alone, but the next week she made an appointment with a marriage therapist. A er three sessions, the counselor called Joe and asked if he would be willing to come in to talk about his perspec ve on their marriage. Joe agreed, and the process of healing began. Six months later, they le the counselor’s office with a new marriage. I said to them, “What did you learn in counseling that turned your marriage around?” “In essence, Dr. Chapman,” Joe said, “we learned to speak each other’s love language. The counselor did not use that term, but as you gave the lecture today, it came to me. My mind

raced back to our counseling experience, and I realized that’s exactly what happened to us. We finally learned to speak each other’s love language.” “So what is your love language, Joe?” I asked. “Physical touch,” he said without hesita on. “Physical touch for sure,” said Maria. “And yours, Maria?” “Quality me, Dr. Chapman. That’s what I was crying for in those days while he was spending all his me with his job and his computer.” “How did you learn that physical touch was Joe’s love language?” “It took awhile,” Maria said. “Li le by li le, it began to come out in the counseling. At first, I don’t think he even realized it.” “It’s true,” Joe said. “I never told her that I wanted to be touched, although I was crying inside for her to reach out and touch me. In our da ng rela onship, I had always taken the ini a ve in touching, but she had always been responsive. I felt that she loved me, but a er we got married, there were mes that I reached out to her physically and … nothing. Maybe with her new job responsibili es, she was too red. I don’t know, but I took it personally. I felt that she didn’t find me a rac ve. Then I decided I wouldn’t even try because I didn’t want to be rejected. So I waited to see how long it would be before she’d ini ate a kiss or a touch or sexual intercourse. Once I waited for six weeks before she touched me at all. I couldn’t stand it. My withdrawal was to stay away from the pain I felt when I was with her.” Then Maria said, “I had no idea that was what he was feeling. I knew that he was not reaching out to me. We weren’t touching all the me like we did when we were da ng, but I just assumed that since we were married, that was not as important to him now. “I did go weeks without touching him. It didn’t cross my mind. I was working, taking care of things at home, and trying to stay out of his way. I honestly didn’t know what else I could be doing. I didn’t understand why he wasn’t paying a en on to me. The thing is, spending me with me is what made me feel loved and appreciated. It really didn’t ma er whether we hugged or kissed. As long as he gave me his a en on, I felt loved.” Once Joe and Maria discovered they were not mee ng each other’s need for love, they began to turn things around. “It was like I had a new husband,” she said.

“What amazed me at the seminar today,” Joe added, “was the way your lecture on love languages carried me back all these years to that experience. You said in twenty minutes what it took us six months to learn.” “Well,” I said, “it’s not how fast you learn it but how well you learn it that ma ers. And obviously, you have learned it well.” Joe is only one of many individuals for whom physical touch is the primary love language. Emo onally, they yearn for their spouse to reach out and touch them physically. Running the hand through the hair, giving a back rub, holding hands, embracing, sexual intercourse—all of those and other “love touches” are the emo onal lifeline of the person for whom physical touch is the primary love language.

A QUICK THOUGHT ABOUT PHYSICAL TOUCH From Drs. Les & Leslie Parro

Physical touch is not a primary love language for either of us. But we talk a lot about touch, just the same. Why? Because our first baby was three months premature and weighed one pound when he was born. For several months baby John lay in his isole e in the ICU. And every day we sat by his side in our sterile gowns as the machines around him hummed and beeped. Then, on February 18, his nurse, Margaret, quietly asked me if I’d like to hold John in my own arms for ten minutes. His li le life was ten days old, you see, and I hadn’t been able to hold him because, as a micro- preemie, his body couldn’t withstand the s mula on. So when Margaret asked, I immediately teared up. She took blankets out of the warming oven, bundled him up and placed him in my arms, with tubes and wires s ll a ached to his body. It was just for ten minutes, but Margaret had no idea what a difference this made for me. She also had no idea that it happened to be my birthday. And it was the best gi I’ve ever received. Holding John was a turning point. The next day, as he rested in his plas c isolate, we were allowed to put our hands through its small portals and gently contain him with one hand on his head and the other around his feet. Then, one of his doctors explained to us the value of something they called “kangaroo care.” This is the tender act of holding a preemie, skin-on-skin, against your chest for a few minutes each day.

What a difference that made! Not just for us, as parents ge ng to revel in holding this li le life that we feared we might lose, but for John. As he grew accustomed to our touches, we learned more about the importance of touching him. With a university library at our disposal, we researched how we could help our son make progress. And our studies brought us to a convic on we hold even more firmly today: there is power in human touch—for all of us, but especially if this is your love language. Anthropologist Helen Fisher, in her book Anatomy of Love, describes the importance of touch this way: “Human skin is like a field of grass, each blade a nerve ending so sensi ve that the slightest graze can etch into the human brain a memory of the moment.” A gentle squeeze around the shoulders, a so touch on the arm or hand can o en say more powerfully than words “You are not alone,” “I appreciate you,” “I’m sorry,” or “I love you.” Of course, if it’s your love language you already know this. What your loved ones may not know is that there are several kinds of touch. In fact, The 5 Love Languages Premium Assessment reveals nine specific types of touch that are most meaningful to you or your loved ones, some you may have never considered. So if you’re inclined, we hope you’ll check it out at 5lovelanguages.com/premium. Learn the dialects of physical touch.

If this is a foreign love language to you, like it was for both of us, know that physical touch isn’t just a flee ng gesture. It conveys a deep, in mate, and comfor ng bond. Tender touches are lifegiving for the person who speaks this language. From a loving hug to a gentle stroke on the arm, it’s like a beau ful love le er wri en in the tender language of skin against skin.

IF YOUR SPOUSE’S LOVE LANGUAGE IS

PHYSICAL TOUCH:

1. As you walk from the car to go shopping, reach out and hold your spouse’s hand. 2. When you shop for your spouse, look for things that will appeal to their tac le nature—a cashmere sweater, a plush throw pillow, so slippers. 3. Walk up to your spouse and say, “Have I told you lately that I love you?” Take her in your arms and hug her while you rub her back and con nue. “You’re the best!” Untangle yourself and move on to the next thing. 4. When you sit together in church, reach over and hold your spouse’s hand during mes of prayer. 5. Ini ate sex by giving your spouse a foot massage. Con nue to other parts of the body as long as it brings pleasure to your spouse. 6. When family or friends are visi ng, touch your spouse in their presence. A hug, running your hand along his or her arm, pu ng your arm around him as you stand talking, or simply placing your hand on her shoulder can earn double emo onal points. It says, “Even with all these people in our house, I s ll see you.” 7. Couples separated by circumstances such as deployment use a variety of strategies to “touch” when they cannot be physically together, says author and former military wife Jocelyn Green. For example, a handwri en le er feels more tangible than an email. Some wives will wear an old shirt of their husband’s around the house—one wife said, “I feel like he’s hugging me when I wear his shirt.” Sending a photo of yourself gives your spouse something of you to touch.