A-7 MC

Chapman, G. (2024). The 5 love languages (4th ed.). Northfield Publishing. https://bookshelf.vitalsource.com/books/9780802492401

Chapter 4

LOVE LANGUAGE #1 Words of Affirma on

Mark Twain once said, “I can live for two months on a good compliment.” If we take Twain literally, six compliments a year would have kept his emo onal love tank at the opera onal level. Your spouse will probably need more. One way to express love emo onally is to use words that build up. Solomon, author of the ancient Hebrew Wisdom Literature, wrote, “The tongue has the power of life and death.”1 Many couples have never learned the tremendous power of verbally affirming each other. Verbal compliments, or words of apprecia on, are powerful communicators of love. They are best expressed in simple, straigh orward statements of affirma on, such as: “You look sharp in that suit.” “Do you ever look incredible in that dress! Wow!” “I really like how you’re always on me to pick me up at work.” “Thanks for ge ng the babysi er lined up tonight. I want you to know I don’t take that for granted.” “You can always make me laugh.” What would happen to the emo onal climate of a marriage if the husband and wife heard such words of affirma on regularly? Several years ago, I was si ng in my office with my door open. A lady walking down the hall said, “Have you got a minute?” “Sure, come in.” She sat down and said, “Dr. Chapman, I’ve got a problem. I can’t get my husband to paint our bedroom. I have been a er him for nine months. I have tried everything I know, and I can’t get him to paint it.”

My first thought was, Lady, you are at the wrong place. I am not a paint contractor. But I said, “Tell me about it.” She said, “Well, last Saturday was a good example. You remember how pre y it was? Do you know what my husband did all day long? He was cleaning out his computer files.” “So what did you do?” “I went in there and said, ‘Dan, I don’t understand you. Today would have been a perfect day to paint the bedroom, and here you are working on your computer.’” “So did he paint the bedroom?” I inquired. “No. It’s s ll not painted. I don’t know what to do.” “Let me ask you a ques on,” I said. “Are you opposed to computers?” “No, but I want the bedroom painted.” “Are you certain that your husband knows that you want the bedroom painted?” “I know he does,” she said. “I have been a er him for nine months.” “Let me ask you one more ques on. Does your husband ever do anything good?” “Like what?” “Oh, like taking the garbage out, or pu ng gas in the car, or paying the electric bill, or running to the store to get milk and toilet paper?” “Yes,” she said, “he does some of those things.” “Then I have two sugges ons. One, don’t ever men on pain ng the bedroom again.” I repeated, “Don’t ever men on it again.” “I don’t see how that’s going to help,” she said. “Look, you just told me that he knows that you want the bedroom painted. You don’t have to tell him anymore. He already knows. The second sugges on I have is that the next me your husband does anything good, give him a verbal compliment. If he takes the garbage out, say, ‘Dan, I want you to know that I really appreciate your taking the garbage out.’ Don’t say, ‘About

me you took the garbage out. The flies were going to carry it out for you.’ If you see him paying the electric bill, put your hand on his shoulder and say, ‘Dan, I really appreciate your paying the

electric bill. I hear there are husbands who don’t do that, and I want you to know how much I appreciate it.’ Or, ‘I really appreciated you running out to the store when I had to finish that project.’ Every me he does anything good, give him a verbal compliment.” “I don’t see how that’s going to get the bedroom painted.” I said, “You asked for my advice. You have it. It’s free.” She wasn’t very happy with me when she le . Three weeks later, however, she came back to my office and said, “It worked!” She had learned that verbal compliments are far greater mo vators than nagging words. I am not sugges ng verbal fla ery in order to get your spouse to do something you want. The object of love is not ge ng something you want but doing something for the well-being of the one you love. It is a fact, however, that when we receive affirming words we are far more likely to be mo vated to reciprocate and do something our spouse desires.

ENCOURAGING WORDS Giving verbal compliments is only one way to express words of affirma on to your spouse. Another dialect is encouraging words. The word encourage means “to inspire courage.” All of us have areas in which we feel insecure. We lack courage, and that lack of courage o en hinders us from accomplishing the posi ve things that we would like to do. The latent poten al within your spouse in his or her areas of insecurity may await your encouraging words. Allison had always liked to write. Late in her college career, she took a few courses in journalism. She quickly realized that her excitement about wri ng exceeded her interest in history, which had been her academic major. It was too late to change majors, but a er college and especially before the first baby, she wrote several ar cles. She submi ed one ar cle to a magazine, but when she received a rejec on slip, she never had the courage to submit another. Now that the children were older and she had more me to contemplate, Allison was again wri ng. Keith, Allison’s husband, had paid li le a en on to Allison’s wri ng in the early days of their marriage. He was busy with his own profession and trying to make a place for himself in that world. In me, however, Keith had realized that life’s deepest meaning is not found in accomplishments but in rela onships. He had learned to give more a en on to Allison and her interests. So it was quite natural one night for him to pick up one of Allison’s ar cles and read it. When he finished, he went into the den where Allison was reading a book. With great enthusiasm, he said, “I hate to interrupt your reading, but I have to tell you this. I just finished reading your ar cle on ‘Making the Most of the Holidays.’ Allison, you’re a really good writer. This stuff ought to be published! You write clearly. Your words paint pictures that I can visualize. You have great ideas. You have to submit this to some magazines.” “Do you really think so?” Allison asked hesitantly.

“I know so,” Keith said. “I’m telling you, this is good.” When Keith le the room, Allison did not resume her reading. With the closed book in her lap, she dreamed for thirty minutes about what Keith had said. She wondered if others would view her wri ng the same way he did. She remembered the rejec on slip she had received years ago, but she reasoned that she was a different person now. Her wri ng was be er. She had had more experiences. Before she le the chair to get a drink of water, Allison had made a decision. She would submit her ar cles to some magazines. She would see if they could be published. Keith’s encouraging words were spoken many years ago. Allison has had numerous ar cles published since then and now has a book contract. She is an excellent writer, but it took the encouraging words from her husband to inspire her to take the first step in the arduous process of ge ng an ar cle published. Perhaps your spouse has untapped poten al in one or more areas of life. That poten al may be awai ng your encouraging words. Perhaps she needs to enroll in a course to develop that poten al. Maybe he needs to meet some people who have succeeded in that area, who can give him insight on the next step he needs to take. Your words may give your spouse the courage necessary to take that first step. Please note that I am not talking about pressuring your spouse to do something that you want. I am talking about encouraging him to develop an interest that he already has. For example, a wife might pressure her husband to look for a more lucra ve job. The wife thinks she’s encouraging her spouse, but to him it sounds more like condemna on. But if he has the desire and mo va on to seek a be er posi on, her words will bolster his resolve. Un l he has that desire, her words will come across as judgmental and guilt inducing. They express not love but rejec on. If, however, he says, “You know, I’ve been thinking about star ng a handyman business on the side,” then she has an opportunity to give words of encouragement. Encouraging words would sound like this. “If you decide to do that, I can tell you one thing. You will be a success. That’s one of the things I like about you. When you set your mind to something, you do it. If that’s what you want to do, I will certainly do everything I can to help you.” Such words may give him the courage to start drawing up a list of poten al clients. Encouragement requires empathy and seeing the world from your spouse’s perspec ve. We must first learn what is important to our spouse. Only then can we give encouragement. With verbal encouragement, we are trying to communicate, “I know. I care. I am with you. How can I help?” We are trying to show that we believe in him and in his abili es. We are giving credit and praise. Most of us have more poten al than we will ever develop. What holds us back is o en courage. A loving spouse can supply that all-important catalyst. Of course, encouraging words may be difficult for you to speak. It may not be your primary love language. If you have a pa ern of

cri cal and condemning words it may take great effort for you to learn this second language, but I can assure you that it will be worth the effort.

KIND WORDS Love is kind. If then we are to communicate love verbally, we must use kind words. That has to do with the way we speak. The same sentence can have two different meanings, depending on how you say it. The statement “I love you,” when said with kindness and tenderness, can be a genuine expression of love. But what about “I love you?” The ques on mark changes the whole meaning of those three words. Some mes our words say one thing, but our tone of voice says another. We are sending double messages. Our spouse will usually interpret our message based on our tone of voice, not the words we use. “I would be delighted to wash dishes tonight,” said in a snarling tone will not be received as an expression of love. On the other hand, we can share pain, sadness, and even anger in a kind manner, and that will be an expression of love. “I felt disappointed and hurt that you didn’t offer to help me this evening,” said with gentle directness, can be an expression of love. The person speaking wants to be known by her spouse. She is taking steps to build in macy by sharing her feelings. She is asking for an opportunity to discuss a hurt in order to find healing. The same words expressed with a loud, harsh voice will be not an expression of love but an expression of condemna on and judgment. The manner in which we speak is exceedingly important. An ancient sage once said, “A so answer turns away anger.” When your spouse is angry and upset and lashing out words of heat, if you choose to be loving, you will not reciprocate with addi onal heat but with a so voice. You will receive what he is saying as informa on about his emo onal feelings. You will let him tell you of his hurt, anger, and percep on of events. You will seek to put yourself in his shoes and see the event through his eyes and then express so ly and kindly your understanding of why he feels that way. If you have wronged him, you will be willing to confess the wrong and ask forgiveness. If your mo va on is different from what he is reading, you will be able to explain your mo va on kindly. You will seek understanding and reconcilia on, and not to prove your own percep on as the only logical way to interpret what has happened. That is mature love— love to which we aspire if we seek a growing marriage. Love doesn’t keep a score of wrongs. Love doesn’t bring up past failures. None of us is perfect. In marriage we do not always do the best or right thing. We have some mes done and said hur ul things to our spouses. We cannot erase the past. We can only confess it and agree that it was wrong. We can ask for forgiveness and try to act differently in the future. Having confessed my failure and asked forgiveness, I can do nothing more to mi gate the hurt it may have caused my spouse. When I have been wronged by my spouse and she has painfully confessed it and requested forgiveness, I have the op on of jus ce or forgiveness. If I choose jus ce and seek to pay her back or make her pay for her wrongdoing, I am making myself the judge and she the felon. In macy becomes impossible. If, however, I choose to forgive, If, however, I choose to forgive, in macy can be restored. Forgiveness is the way of love.

I am amazed by how many individuals mess up every new day with yesterday. They insist on bringing into today the failures of yesterday, and in so doing, they pollute a poten ally wonderful present. “I can’t believe you did it. I don’t think I’ll ever forget it. You can’t possibly know how much you hurt me. I don’t know how you can sit there so smugly a er you treated me that way. You ought to be crawling on your knees, begging me for forgiveness. I don’t know if I can ever forgive you.” Those are not the words of love but of bi erness and resentment and revenge. The best thing we can do with the failures of the past is to let them be history. Yes, it happened. Certainly it hurt. And it may s ll hurt, but he has acknowledged his failure and asked your forgiveness. We cannot erase the past, but we can accept it as history. We can choose to live today free from the failures of yesterday. Forgiveness is not a feeling; it is a commitment. It is a choice to show mercy, not to hold the offense up against the offender. Forgiveness is an expression of love. “I love you. I care about you, and I choose to forgive you. Even though my feelings of hurt may linger, I will not allow what has happened to come between us. I hope that we can learn from this experience. You are not a failure because you have failed. You are my spouse, and together we will go on from here.” Those are the words of affirma on expressed in the dialect of kind words.

HUMBLE WORDS Love makes requests, not demands. When I demand things from my spouse, I become a parent and she the child. It is the parent who tells the three-year-old what he ought to do and, in fact, what he must do. That is necessary because the three-year-old does not yet know how to navigate in the treacherous waters of life. In marriage, however, we are equal, adult partners. We are not perfect to be sure, but we are adults and we are partners. If we are to develop an in mate rela onship, we need to know each other’s desires. If we wish to love each other, we need to know what the other person wants. The way we express those desires, however, is all-important. If they come across as demands, we have erased the possibility of in macy and will drive our spouse away. If, however, we make our needs and desires known in the form of a request, we are giving guidance, not ul matums. The husband who says, “Could you make that good pasta one of these nights?” is giving his wife guidance on how to love him and thus build in macy. On the other hand, the husband who says, “Can’t we ever have a decent meal around here?” is being whiny, is making a demand, and his wife is likely to fire back, “Okay, you cook!” The wife who says, “Do you think it will be possible for you to clean the gu ers this weekend?” is expressing love by making a request. But the wife who says, “If you don’t get those gu ers cleaned out soon, they are going to fall off the house. They already have trees growing out of them!” has ceased to love and has become a domineering spouse. When you make a request of your spouse, you are affirming his or her worth and abili es. You are in essence indica ng that she has something or can do something that is meaningful and worthwhile to you. When, however, you make demands, you have become not a lover but a tyrant. Your spouse will feel not affirmed but beli led. A request introduces the element of

choice. Your mate may choose to respond to your request or to deny it, because love is always a choice. That’s what makes it meaningful. To know that my spouse loves me enough to respond to one of my requests communicates emo onally that she cares about me, respects me, admires me, and wants to do something to please me. We cannot get emo onal love by way of demand. My spouse may in fact comply with my demands, but it is not an expression of love. It is an act of fear or guilt or some other emo on, but not love. Thus, a request creates the possibility for an expression of love, whereas a demand suffocates that possibility.

NOTEBOOKS—AND MORE Words of affirma on are one of the five basic love languages. Within that language, however, there are many dialects. We have discussed a few already, and there are many more. En re volumes and numerous ar cles have been wri en on these dialects. All of the dialects have in common the use of words to affirm one’s spouse. Psychologist William James said that possibly the deepest human need is the need to feel appreciated. Words of affirma on will meet that need in many individuals. If you are not a man or woman of words, if it is not your primary love language but you think it may be the love language of your spouse, let me suggest that you keep a notebook tled “Words of Affirma on.” When you read an ar cle or book on love, record the words of affirma on you find. When you hear a lecture on love or you overhear a friend saying something posi ve about another person, write it down. In me, you will collect quite a list of words to use in communica ng love to your spouse. You may also want to try giving indirect words of affirma on—that is, saying posi ve things about your spouse when he or she is not present. Eventually, someone will tell your spouse, and you will get full credit for love. Tell your wife’s mother how great your wife is. When her mother tells her what you said, it will be amplified, and you will get even more credit. Also affirm your spouse in front of others when he or she is present. When you are given public honor for an accomplishment, be sure to share the credit with your spouse. You may also try your hand at wri ng words of affirma on. Wri en words have the benefit of being read over and over again. I learned an important lesson about words of affirma on and love languages years ago in Li le Rock, Arkansas, when I visited Mark and Andrea in their home on a beau ful spring day. The se ng was idyllic—on the outside. Once inside, however, I discovered the truth. Their marriage was in shambles. Twelve years and two children a er the wedding day, they wondered why they had married in the first place. They seemed to disagree on everything. The only thing they really agreed on was that they both loved the children. As the story unfolded, my observa on was that Mark was a workaholic who had li le me le over for Andrea. Andrea worked part- me, mainly to get out of the house. Their method of coping was withdrawal. They tried to put distance between themselves so that their conflicts would not seem as large. But the gauge on both love tanks read “empty.”

They told me that they had been going for marriage counseling but didn’t seem to be making much progress. They were a ending my marriage seminar, and I was leaving town the next day. This would likely be my only encounter with them, so I decided to put everything on the table. I spent an hour with each of them separately. I listened intently to both stories. I discovered that in spite of the emp ness of their rela onship and their many disagreements, they appreciated certain things about each other. Mark acknowledged Andrea was a “good mother.” But, he con nued, “there is simply no affec on coming from her. I work my tail off and she doesn’t appreciate it.” In my conversa on with Andrea, she agreed that Mark was an excellent provider. “But,” she complained, “he does nothing around the house to help me, and he never has me for me. What’s the use of having nice things if you don’t ever get to enjoy them together?” With that informa on, I decided to focus my advice by making only one sugges on to each of them. I told Mark and Andrea separately that each one held the key to changing the emo onal climate of the marriage. “That key,” I said, “is to express verbal apprecia on for the things you like about the other person and, for the moment, suspending your complaints about the things you do not like.” We reviewed the posi ve comments they had already made about each other, and I helped each of them write a list of those posi ve traits. Mark’s list focused on Andrea’s ac vi es with her children, home, and church. Andrea’s list focused on Mark’s hard work and financial provision of the family. We made the lists as specific as possible. Andrea’s list looked like this: • He is aggressive in his work. • He has received several promo ons through the years. • He’s a good financial manager. • He is always thinking of ways to improve his produc vity. • He’s generous with finances and agrees I can use the money from my job any way I desire. Mark’s list looked like this: • She keeps our house clean and orderly. • She helps the kids with their homework. • She cooks dinner about three days a week. • She teaches first-grade Sunday school. • She chauffeurs the children to all their ac vi es.

I suggested that they add to the lists things they no ced in the weeks ahead. I also suggested that twice a week, they select one posi ve trait and express verbal apprecia on for it to the spouse. I gave one further guideline. I told Andrea that if Mark happened to give her a compliment, she was not to give him a compliment at the same me, but rather, she should simply receive it and say, “Thank you for saying that.” I told Mark the same thing. I encouraged them to do that every week for two months, and if they found it helpful, they could con nue. If the experiment did not help the emo onal climate of the marriage, then they could write it off as another failed a empt. The next day, I got on the plane and returned home. I made a note to follow up with them two months later to see what had happened. When I called them in midsummer, I asked to speak to each of them individually. I was amazed to find that Mark’s a tude had taken a giant step forward. He had guessed that I had given Andrea the same advice I had given him, but that was all right. He loved it. She was expressing apprecia on for his hard work and his provision for the family. “She has actually made me feel like a man again. We’ve got a ways to go, Dr. Chapman, but I really believe we are on the road.” When I talked to Andrea, however, I found that she had only taken a baby step forward. She said, “It has improved some, Dr. Chapman. Mark is giving me verbal compliments as you suggested, and I guess he is sincere. But he’s s ll not spending any me with me. He is s ll so busy at work that we never have me together.” As I listened to Andrea, I knew that I had made a significant discovery. The love language of one person is not necessarily the love language of another. It was obvious that Mark’s primary love language was words of affirma on. He was a hard worker, and he enjoyed his work, but what he wanted most from his wife was expressions of apprecia on for his work. That pa ern was probably set in childhood, and the need for verbal affirma on was no less important in his adult life. Andrea, on the other hand, was emo onally crying out for something else. That brings us to love language number two. A QUICK THOUGHT ABOUT WORDS OF AFFIRMATION From Drs. Les & Leslie Parro I vacuum. Hold your applause. It comes easy. I (Les) don’t have be asked. No need for a nudge or even a pep talk. I’m a self-mo vated vacuum virtuoso. Not only that, I make the bed. I’m talking crisp, OCD, hospital corners. Now, I don’t arrange and fluff countless decora ve pillows for no apparent reason—because I’m not crazy. But I make the bed. Every day. Oh, if you’re looking for clean towels, no need to ask. I do laundry and Leslie knows fresh towels are always wai ng. So, c’mon. Pre y good, right?

Then why is the meter on Leslie’s love tank hovering below the midpoint? A er all, she has to know how much I love her. Look at all the things I’m doing for her. Right? Vacuuming? Check. Making the bed? Check. Laundry? Check. So why isn’t Leslie feeling the love? You guessed it: because this all occurred before I discovered her love language—words of affirma on. I was speaking my own love language (which you’ll read about in a later chapter) and expec ng her to understand it. Oops. As you now know from reading Gary’s chapter, it’s a common problem: two loving people missing out on each other’s loving inten ons because they’re only speaking their own love language, not their partner’s. This can be devasta ng to a person like Leslie who’s longing for words of affirma on. A er all, you can make all the beds in the house. You can vacuum every room and sweep the front porch, too. But if you’re not expressing hear elt compliments or genuine apprecia on, their love tank is sure to run empty. Learning this lesson revolu onized our rela onship. And it all began with a simple insight: Leslie’s love language is not mine. To feel loved, she needs words of affirma on. That meant I needed to learn her love language. How about you? As you read Gary’s chapter did you resonate with the power of loving words? Do you think words of affirma on is your primary love language? Do you feel it deep in your heart? Or are you unsure? Maybe it’s your secondary love language. Or, if you’re being honest, maybe you’re having a tough me seeing what all the fuss is about. Perhaps it’s a completely foreign love language to you. Well, you don’t have to guess. As we men oned in the Introduc on, you can find out precisely where you land on the con nuum. Take the free quiz at 5lovelanguages.com. And if you want to go deeper, take the full 5 Love Languages Premium Assessment and receive a detailed descrip on and graphic display of how you and those you love experience words of affirma on (see 5lovelanguages.com/premium).

Whether it’s your primary love language or not, you undoubtably have a person or two in your life who’s eagerly awai ng words of affirma on from you. It could be a spouse, a child, or even a friend. That’s why we want to help you become more adept at expressing affec on with compliments, apprecia on, and encouragement. One more thing. You know about my vacuuming and bedmaking prowess, but I also used to be pre y good at maintaining Leslie’s fuel tank in her car. Not anymore. She couldn’t care less— especially a er going electric! What ma ers far more than all of this is filling up and maintaining her emo onal love tank. Before Gary helped me learn to speak Leslie’s love language, I was trying to fuel a diesel engine with regular gasoline. It was a disaster. Vacuuming, bedmaking, laundry? Sure I s ll do it. But it’s for me as much as it is for her. What’s different now is that I’m focused on becoming a love linguist for Leslie. I study her dialect and I do my best to express affec on, verbally and in wri ng, to keep her love tank as full as possible. And that’s made all the difference. Do I ever fail? Miserably, of course. But I keep trying. The more I listen for indicators of her love language, the more love we both find. Oh, speaking of listening, I just heard the buzzer on our washing machine and I need to add so ener. Go a go.

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IF YOUR SPOUSE’S LOVE LANGUAGE IS WORDS OF AFFIRMATION: 1. To remind yourself that “Words of Affirma on” is your spouse’s primary love language, print the following on a card and put it on a mirror or other place where you will see it daily: Words are important! Words are important! Words are important! 2. For one week, keep a wri en record of all the words of affirma on you give your spouse each day. You might be surprised how well (or how poorly) you are speaking words of affirma on. 3. Set a goal to give your spouse a different compliment each day for one month. If “an apple a day keeps the doctor away,” maybe a compliment a day will keep the counselor away. (You may want to record these compliments also, so you will not duplicate the statements.) 4. Learn to say “I love you” or other expressions of affirma on in a couple of different languages. 5. Compliment your spouse in the presence of his parents or friends. You will get double credit: Your spouse will feel loved and the parents will feel lucky to have such a great son-in-law or daughter-in-law. 6. Look for your spouse’s strengths and tell her how much you appreciate those strengths. Be specific: “I like how you reach out to people at church who don’t seem to have anyone to talk to.” Or: “You’re really keeping up with the job search. I know it’ll pay off.” 7. Occasionally email or text a note of affirma on during the day or when one of you is traveling. Or if you know your spouse is having a hard day, send a link to a funny website. 8. Thank your mate for something they do rou nely and wouldn’t expect to be complimented for.

Chapter #5

LOVE LANGUAGE #2 Quality Time

Ishould have picked up on Andrea’s primary love language from the beginning. What was she saying on that spring night when I visited her and Mark in Li le Rock? “Mark doesn’t spend any

me with me. What good are all our things if we don’t ever enjoy them together?” What was her desire? Quality me with Mark. She wanted his a en on. She wanted him to focus on her, to give her me, to do things with her. By “quality me,” I mean giving someone your undivided a en on. I don’t mean si ng on the couch watching television together. When you spend me that way, Ne lix or HBO has your a en on—not your spouse. What I mean is si ng on the couch with the TV off, looking at each other and talking, devices put away, giving each other your undivided a en on. It means taking a walk, just the two of you, or going out to eat and looking at each other and talking. Time is a precious commodity. We all have mul ple demands on our me, yet each of us has the exact same hours in a day. We can make the most of those hours by commi ng some of them to our spouse. If your mate’s primary love language is quality me, she simply wants you, being with her, spending me. Provided it’s the right kind of me. Have you ever no ced that in a restaurant, you can almost always tell the difference between a da ng couple and a married couple? Da ng couples look at each other and talk. Married couples sit there and gaze around the restaurant. You’d think they went there to eat! When I sit with my wife and give her twenty minutes of my undivided a en on and she does the same for me, we are giving each other twenty minutes of life. We will never have those twenty minutes again; we are giving our lives to each other. It is a powerful emo onal communicator of love. One medicine cannot cure all diseases. In my advice to Andrea and Mark, I made a serious mistake. I assumed that words of affirma on would mean as much to her as they would to him. I had hoped that if each of them would give adequate verbal affirma on, the emo onal climate would change, and both of them would begin to feel loved. It worked for Mark. He began to feel more posi ve about Andrea, sensing her genuine apprecia on for his hard work, but it had not worked as well for Andrea, because words of affirma on was not her primary love language. Her language was quality me.

I called Mark, who told me Andrea was s ll not very happy. “I think I know why,” I said. “The problem is that I suggested the wrong love language.” Mark hadn’t the foggiest idea what I meant. I explained that what makes one person feel loved emo onally is not always the thing that makes another person feel loved emo onally. He agreed that his language was words of affirma on. He told me how much that had meant to him as a boy and how good he felt when his wife expressed apprecia on for the things he did. I explained that Andrea’s language was not words of affirma on but quality me. I explained the concept of giving someone your undivided a en on, not talking to her while you watch sports or read texts but looking into her eyes, giving her your full a en on, doing something with her that she enjoys doing and doing it wholeheartedly. “Like going to the symphony with her,” he said. I could tell the lights were coming on in Li le Rock. “Dr. Chapman, that’s what she has always complained about. I didn’t do things with her; I didn’t spend any me with her. She’d always say, ‘We used to go places and do things before we were married, but now, you’re too busy.’ That’s her love language all right; no ques on about it. But what am I gonna do? My job is so demanding.” “Tell me about it,” I said. For the next ten minutes, he gave me the history of his climb up the organiza onal ladder, of how hard he had worked, and how proud he was of his accomplishments. He told me of his dreams for the future and that he knew that within the next five years, he would be where he wanted to be. “Do you want to be there alone, or do you want to be there with Andrea and the children?” I asked. “I want her to be with me, Dr. Chapman. I want her to enjoy it with me. That’s why it always hurts so much when she cri cizes me for spending me on the job. I am doing it for us. I wanted her to be a part of it, but she’s always so nega ve.” “Are you beginning to see why she was so nega ve, Mark?” I asked. “Her love language is quality me. You have given her so li le me that her love tank is empty. She doesn’t feel secure in your love. Therefore she has lashed out at what was taking your me in her mind— your job. She doesn’t really hate your job. She hates the fact that she feels so li le love coming from you. There’s only one answer, Mark, and it’s costly. You have to make me for Andrea. You have to love her in the right love language.” “I know you are right, Dr. Chapman. Where do I begin?” I asked Mark if he had his legal pad handy—the same pad on which he had listed posi ve things about Andrea.

“It’s right here.” “Good. We’re going to make another list. What are some things that you know Andrea would like you to do with her? Things she has men oned through the years.” Here is Mark’s list: • Spend a weekend in the mountains (some mes with the kids and some mes just the two of us). • Meet her for lunch (at a nice restaurant or some mes just at Panera). • When I come home at night, sit down and talk with her about my day and listen as she tells me about her day. (She doesn’t want me to watch TV while we are trying to talk.) • Spend me talking with the children about their school experiences. • Spend me playing games with the children. • Go on a picnic with her and the kids on Saturday and don’t complain about the ants and the flies. • Take a vaca on with the family at least once a year. • Go walking with her and talk as we walk. When Mark’s list was finished, I said, “You know what I am going to suggest, don’t you, Mark?” “Do them,” he said. “That’s right, one a week for the next two months. Where will you find the me? You will make it. You are a wise man,” I con nued. “You would not be where you are if you were not a good decision maker. You have the ability to plan your life and to include Andrea in your plans.” “I know,” he said. “I can do it.” “And, Mark, this does not have to diminish your voca onal goals. It just means that when you get to the top, Andrea and the children will be with you.” “That’s what I want more than anything,” Mark said with feeling. The years have come and gone. Andrea and Mark have had ups and downs, but the important thing is that they have done it all together. The children have le the nest, and Mark and Andrea agree that these are their best years ever. Mark has become an avid symphony fan, and Andrea

has made an unending list in her legal pad of things she appreciates about Mark. He never res of hearing them.

FOCUSED ATTENTION It isn’t enough to just be in the same room with someone. A key ingredient in giving your spouse quality me is giving them focused a en on, especially in this era of many distrac ons. When a father is si ng on the floor, rolling a ball to his two-year-old, his a en on is not focused on the ball but on his child. For that brief moment, however long it lasts, they are together. If, however, the father is looking at his phone while he rolls the ball, his a en on is diluted. Some husbands and wives think they are spending me together when, in reality, they are only living in close proximity. They are in the same house at the same me, but they are not together. A wife who is text-ing while her husband tries to talk to her is not giving him quality

me, because he does not have her full a en on. Quality me does not mean that we have to spend our together moments gazing into each other’s eyes. It means that we are doing something together and that we are giving our full a en on to the other person. The ac vity in which we are both engaged is incidental. The important thing emo onally is that we are spending focused me with each other. The ac vity is a vehicle that creates the sense of togetherness. The important thing about the father rolling the ball to the two-year-old is not the ac vity itself but the emo ons that are created between the father and his child. Similarly, a husband and wife going running together, if it is genuine quality me, will focus not on the run but on the fact that they are spending me together. What happens on the emo onal level is what ma ers. Our spending me together in a common pursuit communicates that we care about each other, that we enjoy being with each other, that we like to do things together.

QUALITY CONVERSATION Like words of affirma on, the language of quality me also has many dialects. One of the most common dialects is that of quality conversa on. By quality conversa on, I mean empathe c dialogue where two individuals are sharing their experiences, thoughts, feelings, and desires in a friendly, uninterrupted context. Most individuals who complain that their spouse does not talk do not mean literally that he or she never says a word. They mean that he or she seldom takes part in empathe c dialogue. If your spouse’s primary love language is quality me, such dialogue is crucial to his or her emo onal sense of being loved. Quality conversa on is quite different from the first love language. Words of affirma on focus on what we are saying, whereas quality conversa on focuses on what we are hearing. If I am sharing my love for you by means of quality me and we are going to spend that me in conversa on, it means I will focus on drawing you out, listening empathe cally to what you have to say. I will ask ques ons, not in a badgering manner but with a genuine desire to understand your thoughts, feelings, and desires.

I met Patrick when he was forty-three and had been married for seventeen years. I remember him because his first words were so drama c. He sat in the leather chair in my office and a er briefly introducing himself, he leaned forward and said with great emo on, “Dr. Chapman, I have been a fool, a real fool.” “What has led you to that conclusion?” I asked. “I’ve been married for seventeen years,” he said, “and my wife has le me. Now I realize what a fool I’ve been.” I repeated my original ques on, “In what way have you been a fool?” “My wife would come home from work and tell me about the problems in her office. I would listen to her and then tell her what I thought she should do. I always gave her advice. I told her she had to confront the problem. ‘Problems don’t go away. You have to talk with the people involved or your supervisor. You have to deal with problems.’ The next day she would come home from work and tell me about the same problems. I would ask her if she did what I had suggested the day before. She would shake her head and say no. “A er three or four nights of that, I would get angry. I would tell her not to expect any sympathy from me if she wasn’t willing to take the advice I was giving her. She didn’t have to live under that kind of stress and pressure. She could solve the problem if she would simply do what I told her. It hurt me to see her living under such stress because I knew she didn’t have to. The next

me she’d bring up the problem, I would say, ‘I don’t want to hear about it. I’ve told you what you need to do. If you’re not going to listen to my advice, I don’t want to hear it.’ “I would withdraw and go about my business. What a fool I was,” he said, “what a fool! Now I realize that she didn’t want advice when she told me about her struggles at work. She wanted empathy. She wanted me to listen, to give her a en on, to let her know that I could understand the hurt, the stress, the pressure. She wanted to know that I loved her and that I was with her. She didn’t want advice; she just wanted to know that I understood. But I never tried to understand. I was too busy giving advice. And now she’s gone.” Patrick’s wife had been pleading for quality conversa on. Emo onally, she longed for him to focus a en on on her by listening to her pain and frustra on. Patrick was not focusing on listening but on speaking. He listened only long enough to hear the problem and formulate a solu on. He didn’t listen long enough or well enough to hear her cry for support and understanding. Many of us are like Patrick. We are trained to analyze problems and create solu ons. We forget that marriage is a rela onship, not a project to be completed or a problem to solve. A rela onship calls for empathe c listening with a view to understanding the other person’s thoughts, feelings, and desires. We must be willing to give advice but only when it is requested and never in a condescending manner. Most of us have li le training in listening. We are far

more efficient in thinking and speaking. Learning to listen may be as difficult as learning a foreign language, but learn we must, if we want to communicate love. That is especially true if your spouse’s primary love language is quality me and his or her dialect is quality conversa on. Fortunately, numerous books and ar cles have been wri en on developing the art of listening. I will not seek to repeat what is wri en elsewhere but suggest the following summary of prac cal

ps. 1. Maintain eye contact when your spouse is talking. That keeps your mind from wandering and communicates that he/she has your full a en on. 2. Don’t listen to your spouse and do something else at the same me. Remember, quality me is giving someone your undivided a en on. If you are doing something you cannot turn from immediately, tell your spouse the truth. A posi ve approach might be, “I know you are trying to talk to me and I’m interested, but I want to give you my full a en on. I can’t do that right now, but if you will give me ten minutes to finish this, I’ll sit down and listen to you.” Most spouses will respect such a request. 3. Listen for feelings. Ask yourself, “What emo on is my spouse experiencing?” When you think you have the answer, confirm it. For example, “It sounds to me like you are feeling disappointed because I forgot __________.” That gives him the chance to clarify his feelings. It also communicates that you are listening intently to what he is saying. 4. Observe body language. Clenched fists, trembling hands, tears, furrowed brows, and eye movements may give you clues as to what the other is feeling. Some mes body language speaks one message while words speak another. Ask for clarifica on to make sure you know what she is really thinking and feeling. 5. Refuse to interrupt. Research has indicated that the average individual listens for only seventeen seconds before interrup ng and interjec ng his own ideas. If I give you my undivided a en on while you are talking, I will refrain from defending myself or hurling accusa ons at you or dogma cally sta ng my posi on. My goal is to discover your thoughts and feelings. My objec ve is not to defend myself or to set you straight. It is to understand you.

LEARNING TO TALK Quality conversa on requires not only empathe c listening but also self-revela on. When a wife says, “I wish my husband would talk. I never know what he’s thinking or feeling,” she is pleading for in macy. She wants to feel close to her husband, but how can she feel close to someone whom she doesn’t know? In order for her to feel loved, he must learn to reveal himself. If her primary love language is quality me and her dialect is quality conversa on, her emo onal love tank will never be filled un l he tells her his thoughts and feelings. Self-revela on does not come easy for some of us. We may have grown up in homes where the expression of thoughts and feelings was not encouraged but squelched. To request a toy was to receive a lecture on the sad state of family finances. The child went away feeling guilty for

having the desire, and he quickly learned not to express his desires. When he expressed anger, the parents responded with harsh and condemning words. Thus, the child learned that expressing angry feelings is not appropriate. If the child was made to feel guilty for expressing disappointment at not being able to go to the store with his father, he learned to hold his disappointment inside. By the me we reach adulthood, many of us have learned to deny our feelings. We are no longer in touch with our emo onal selves. A wife says to her husband, “How did you feel about what Steve did?” And the husband responds, “I think he was wrong. He should have—” but he is not telling her his feelings. He is voicing his thoughts. Perhaps he has reason to feel angry or disappointed, but he has lived so long in the world of thought that he does not acknowledge his feelings. When he decides to learn the language of quality conversa on, it will be like learning a foreign language. The place to begin is by ge ng in touch with his feelings, becoming aware that he is an emo onal creature in spite of the fact that he has denied that part of his life. If you need to learn the language of quality conversa on, begin by no ng the emo ons you feel away from home. Carry a small notepad and keep it with you daily. Three mes each day, ask yourself, “What emo ons have I felt in the last three hours? What did I feel on the way to work when the driver behind me was riding my bumper? What did I feel when I stopped at the gas sta on and the automa c pump did not shut off and the side of the car was covered in gas? What did I feel when I got to the office and found that the project I was working on had to be completed in three days when I thought I had another two weeks?” Write down your feelings in the notepad and a word or two to help you remember the event corresponding to the feeling. Your list may look like this:

Event | Feelings • tailgater | angry • gas sta on | very upset • work project due | frustrated and anxious Do that exercise three mes a day and you will develop an awareness of your emo onal nature. Using your notepad, communicate your emo ons and the events briefly with your spouse as many days as possible. In a few weeks, you will become comfortable expressing your emo ons with him or her. And eventually you will feel comfortable discussing your emo ons toward your spouse, the children, and events that occur within the home. Remember, emo ons themselves are neither good nor bad. They are simply our psychological responses to the events of life. Based on our thoughts and emo ons, we eventually make decisions. When the tailgater was following you on the highway and you felt angry, perhaps you had these thoughts: I wish he would lay off; I wish he would pass me; if I thought I wouldn’t get caught, I’d press the

accelerator and leave him in the twilight; I should slam on my brakes and let his insurance company buy me a new car; maybe I’ll pull off the road and let him pass. Eventually, you made some decision or the other driver backed off, turned, or passed you, and you arrived safely at work. In each of life’s events, we have emo ons, thoughts, desires, and eventually ac ons. The expression of that process is called self-revela on. If you choose to learn the love dialect of quality conversa on, that is the learning road you must follow.

DEAD SEAS AND BABBLING BROOKS Not all of us are out of touch with our emo ons, but when it comes to talking, all of us are affected by our personality. I have observed two basic personality types. The first I call the “Dead Sea.” In the li le na on of Israel, the Sea of Galilee flows south by way of the Jordan River into the Dead Sea. The Dead Sea goes nowhere. It receives but it does not give. This personality type receives many experiences, emo ons, and thoughts throughout the day. They have a large reservoir where they store that informa on, and they are perfectly happy not to talk. If you say to a Dead Sea personality, “What’s wrong? Why aren’t you talking tonight?” he will probably answer, “Nothing’s wrong. What makes you think something’s wrong?” And that response is perfectly honest. He is content not to talk. He could drive from Chicago to Detroit and never say a word and be perfectly happy. On the other extreme is the “Babbling Brook.” For this personality, whatever enters into the eye gate or the ear gate comes out the mouth gate and there are seldom sixty seconds between the two. Whatever they see, whatever they hear, they tell. In fact, if no one is at home to talk to, they will call someone else. “Do you know what I saw? Do you know what I heard?” If they can’t get someone on the phone, they may talk to themselves because they have no reservoir. Many

mes a Dead Sea marries a Babbling Brook. That happens because when they are da ng, it is a very a rac ve match. If you are a Dead Sea and you date a Babbling Brook, you will have a wonderful evening. You don’t have to think, “How will I get the conversa on started tonight? How will I keep the conversa on flowing?” In fact, you don’t have to think at all. All you have to do is nod your head and say, “Uh-huh,” and she will fill up the whole evening and you will go home saying, “What a wonderful person.” On the other hand, if you are a Babbling Brook and you date a Dead Sea, you will have an equally wonderful evening because Dead Seas are the world’s best listeners. You will babble for three hours. He will listen intently to you, and you will go home saying, “What a wonderful person.” You a ract each other. But five years a er marriage, the Babbling Brook wakes up one morning and says, “We’ve been married five years, and I don’t know him.” The Dead Sea is saying, “I know her too well. I wish she would stop the flow and give me a break.” The good news is that Dead Seas can learn to talk and Babbling Brooks can learn to listen. We are influenced by our personality but not controlled by it. One way to learn new pa erns is to establish a daily sharing me in which each of you will talk about three things that happened to you that day and how you feel about them. I call that the

“Minimum Daily Requirement” for a healthy marriage. If you will start with the daily minimum, in a few weeks or months you may find quality conversa on flowing more freely between you.

QUALITY ACTIVITIES In addi on to the basic love language of quality me, or giving your spouse your undivided a en on, is another dialect called quality ac vi es. At a recent marriage seminar, I asked couples to complete the following sentence: “I feel most loved by my husband/wife when _______.” Here is the response of a twenty-nine-year-old husband who has been married for eight years: “I feel most loved by my wife when we do things together, things I like to do and things she likes to do. We talk more. It sorta feels like we are da ng again.” That is a typical response of individuals whose primary love language is quality me. The emphasis is on being together, doing things together, giving each other undivided a en on. Quality ac vi es may include anything in which one or both of you have an interest. The emphasis is not on what you are doing but on why you are doing it. The purpose is to experience something together, to walk away from it feeling like, “He cares about me. He was willing to do something with me that I enjoy, and he did it with a posi ve a tude.” That is love, and for some people it is love’s loudest voice. One of Emily’s favorite pas mes is browsing in used bookstores. “I love to just disappear into the stacks and see what treasures I can find,” she says. Husband Jeff, less of an avid reader, has learned to share these experiences with Emily and even point out books she may enjoy. Emily, for her part, has learned to compromise and not force Jeff to spend hours in the stacks. As a result, Jeff proudly says, “I vowed early on that if there was a book Emily wanted, I would buy it for her.” Jeff may never become a bookworm, but he has become proficient at loving Emily. Quality ac vi es may include pu ng in a garden, visi ng historic sites, birding, going to a concert, working out together, or having another couple over for homemade soup and bread. The ac vi es are limited only by your interest and willingness to try new experiences. The essen al ingredients in a quality ac vity are: (1) at least one of you wants to do it, (2) the other is willing to do it, (3) both of you know why you are doing it—to express love by being together. One of the by-products of quality ac vi es is that they provide a memory bank from which to draw in the years ahead. Fortunate is the couple who remembers a foggy early-morning stroll along the coast, the spring they put in a prairie garden, the day they revisited their childhood neighborhood, the night they a ended their first major-league baseball game together, the one and only me they went skiing together and he broke his leg, the quiet mes of working side by side at night in their home office, and oh yes, the awe of standing beneath the waterfall a er the two-mile hike. They can almost feel the mist as they remember. Those are memories of love, especially for the person whose primary love language is quality me. And where do we find me for such ac vi es, especially if both of us have voca ons outside the home? We make me, just as we make me for lunch and dinner. Why? Because it is just as essen al to our marriage as meals are to our health. Is it difficult? Does it take careful planning?

Yes. Does it mean we have to give up some individual ac vi es? Perhaps. Does it mean we do some things we don’t par cularly enjoy? Certainly (see Jeff and Emily). Is it worth it? Without a doubt. What’s in it for me? The pleasure of living with a spouse who feels loved and knowing that I have learned to speak his or her love language fluently. A personal word of thanks to Mark and Andrea in Li le Rock, who taught me the value of love language number one, words of affirma on, and love language number two, quality me. Now, it’s on to Chicago and love language number three.

A QUICK THOUGHT ABOUT QUALITY TIME From Drs. Les & Leslie Parro

We’d just stepped off the stage where we were speaking with Gary at a mega-marriage conference in Chicago’s United Center. We were now on a mission with a specific goal: escape the vast arena to find the city’s finest deep-dish pizza. Impa ently standing in front of the elevator that would take us to our exit, a lively couple approached: “Hey, can you se le a bet?” they inquired. “Lisa thinks she’s giving me quality me whenever we’re in the same room together—even if her eyes are glued to her phone. Some mes I feel like we’re having dinner with Siri.” “Not exactly,” Lisa interjected. “I just don’t think I need to be looking into your eyes nonstop. That’s just creepy, right?” She looked at Les and me for affirma on: “You guys are the experts, do you agree? Do I need to be looking at his eyeballs to have it count as quality me?” Les and I both felt like we’d suddenly been handed a referee’s whistle and thrust into a high- stakes boxing match. “Well, quality me isn’t about locking eyes,” I said. “Aha! So I’m right!” Lisa quickly exclaimed. “Hold on,” I con nued. “It’s not a staring contest, for sure. But it is about focused a en on.” “Let me ask you a ques on, Lisa,” Les chimed in with all the impa ence of a hungry psychologist wai ng for a table at Giordanos: “Do you like pineapple on your pizza?” “Are you kidding me?” Lisa exclaimed, clutching her heart for drama c effect. “Absolutely not. It’s like pu ng ice-cream on spaghe , it’s like wearing socks with sandals. It’s repulsive.” “Well, when you’re scrolling on your phone while Mark is trying to connect with you, it’s like pineapple on pizza. It may qualify as a pie, but it’s not the kind he’s craving. It’s downright distrac ng. In fact, you wouldn’t even want a slice of that pineapple pizza, would you?”

I raised my eyebrows at Les, as if to say, you must be really hungry. But it worked. The analogy clicked with both Lisa and Mark. We talked for a few more minutes (over the soundtrack of Les’s growling stomach). Lisa began to see that screen me doesn’t go with quality me. And proximity does not equal quality me. It’s focused and full a en on that ma ers. That’s the secret sauce of quality me. It’s what leads to meaningful conversa ons and fills the love tank of everyone whose primary love language is quality me. Did you catch that important dis nc on in Gary’s chapter? He said it this way: “Quality conversa on is quite different from the first love language. Words of affirma on focus on what we are saying, whereas quality conversa on focuses on what we are hearing.” You can’t “hear” or draw someone out while mul tasking. It requires wholehearted investment in hearing, understanding and accep ng them. When you make someone feel like nothing else in the world ma ers more than the conversa on you’re having with them in that moment, that’s when you are giving them quality me. So how about you? Is this your primary or secondary love language? Are you longing to capture a loved one’s undivided a en on? Or is quality me a foreign love language to you? If so, who are the people in your life who would love nothing more than to have you be fully present and ac vely listening to them? Whatever the case, we again encourage you to take advantage of the free quiz at 5lovelanguages.com. And, of course, if you want to master the art of quality me, take the full 5 Love Languages Premium Assessment at 5lovelanguages.com/premium and gain all it has to offer you in a personalized plan for giving and receiving quality me. In fact, the assessment will actually show you something you probably don’t know about yourself: your “ me style” and how it plays an important role in learning anyone’s quality me dialect.

Now, for all you die-hard pineapple-on-pizza enthusiasts, we get it. We salute your bold rebellion. You don’t conform to tradi onal pizza norms. That’s okay. As you fearlessly flaunt your fruit toppings, you’ll just need to find another polarizing debate topic, like wearing socks with sandals.

IF YOUR SPOUSE’S LOVE LANGUAGE IS QUALITY TIME: 1. Some couples are together a lot more than others. If that’s the case for you, don’t try to make all your me together “quality me.” Designate specific mes and places for planned togetherness. 2. Ask your spouse for a list of five ac vi es that he would enjoy doing with you—don’t assume you know. Make plans to do one of them each month for the next five months. If money is an issue, space the freebies between the “we can’t afford this” events. 3. One way to share quality me at a distance is to include your spouse in your day as it is happening. Send a photo of something you saw on your walk to the office or relay a funny incident that happened in a mee ng. One woman said, “My husband sent a photo of him, my daughter, and the dog si ng on our front porch. I was at work and it made me feel like I was hanging out with them.” 4. Think of an ac vity your spouse enjoys, but which brings li le pleasure to you: SEC football, cra ing, nature photography. Tell your spouse that you are trying to broaden your horizons and would like to join them in this ac vity some me this month. Set a date and give it your best effort. 5. Plan a weekend getaway just for the two of you some me within the next six months. Be sure it is a weekend when you won’t have to be in touch with the office or have a family commitment. Focus on relaxing together doing what one or both of you enjoy. 6. Make me every day to share with each other some of the events of the day. When you spend more me watching the news than you do listening to each other, you end up more concerned about the Middle East than about your spouse. Or: When you spend more me on

Instagram than you do listening to each other, you end up more concerned about your hundred “friends” than about your spouse. 7. You have to do chores anyway, so talk as you dust, declu er, and do laundry. It will make the work go much faster! 8. Read the travel sec on in the Sunday paper together and dream out loud about places you’d like to go. Whether you actually go to these places or not, it’s fun to imagine together.

Chapter #6

LOVE LANGUAGE #3 Receiving Gi s

Erik spent a year in Kelsey’s “friend zone” before she agreed to go out with him. Since they were both big baseball fans, Erik took her to a minor-league game in Indianapolis. They were si ng in a grassy area beyond the le -field fence when suddenly a hard-hit drive came their way. Erik jumped up and made an impressive barehanded catch—his first home-run grab ever. Two days later Kelsey found a gi -wrapped package outside her dorm room. She opened it and found a baseball in a small plas c display case (the kind collectors use). Taped to the inside of the case was a cket stub from the game. Inscribed on the ball was the date of the game and these words: 1st home-run catch 2nd best thing to happen to me that day They were married two years a er that first date. Fi een years later that baseball, s ll in its display case, sits on Kelsey’s dresser where she can see it every day. It is the first thing she would grab if the house were on fire.

A REMINDER OF LOVE When I studied anthropology, I was able to “visit” people groups all over the world. I went to Central America and studied the advanced cultures of the Mayans and the Aztecs. I crossed the Pacific and studied the tribal peoples of Melanesia and Polynesia. I studied the Eskimos of the northern tundra and the aboriginal Ainus of Japan. I examined the cultural pa erns surrounding love and marriage and found that in every culture I studied, gi giving was a part of the love- marriage process. Anthropologists are intrigued by cultural pa erns that tend to pervade cultures, and so was I. Could it be that gi giving is a fundamental expression of love that transcends cultural barriers? One of my anthropology field trips was to the island of Dominica. Our purpose was to study the culture of the Carib Indians, and on the trip I met Fred. Fred was not a Carib but a young black man of twenty-eight years. Fred had lost a hand in a fishing-by-dynamite accident. Since the accident, he could not con nue his fishing career. He had plenty of available me, and I welcomed his companionship. We spent hours together talking about his culture. Upon my first visit to Fred’s house, he said to me, “Mr. Gary, would you like to have some juice?” to which I responded enthusias cally. He turned to his younger brother and said, “Go get Mr. Gary some juice.” His brother turned, walked down the dirt path, climbed a coconut tree, and returned with a green coconut. “Open it,” Fred commanded. With three swi movements of the machete, his brother uncorked the coconut, leaving a triangular hole at the top. Fred handed me the coconut and said, “Juice for you.” It was green, but I drank it—all of it—because I knew it was a gi of love. I was his friend, and to friends you give juice. At the end of our weeks together as I prepared to leave that small island, Fred gave me a final token of his love. It was a crooked s ck fourteen inches in length that he had taken from the ocean. It was silky smooth from pounding upon the rocks. Fred said that the s ck had lived on the shores of Dominica for a long me, and he wanted me to have it as a reminder of the beau ful island. Even today when I look at that s ck, I can almost hear the sound of the Caribbean waves, but it is not as much a reminder of Dominica as it is a reminder of love. A gi is something you can hold in your hand and say, “Look, he was thinking of me,” or, “She remembered me.” You must be thinking of someone to give him a gi . The gi itself is a symbol of that thought. It doesn’t ma er whether it costs money. What is important is that you thought of him. And it is not the thought implanted only in the mind that counts but the thought expressed in actually securing the gi and giving it as the expression of love. Mothers remember the days their children bring a flower from the yard as a gi . They feel loved, even if it was a dandelion or a flower they didn’t want picked. From early years, children are inclined to give gi s to their parents, which may be another indica on that gi giving is fundamental to love.

Gi s are visual symbols of love. Most wedding ceremonies include the giving and receiving of rings. The person performing the ceremony says, “These rings are outward and visible signs of an inward and spiritual bond that unites your two hearts in love that has no end.” That is not meaningless rhetoric. It is verbalizing a significant truth—symbols have emo onal value. Perhaps that is even more graphically displayed near the end of a disintegra ng marriage when the husband or wife stops wearing the wedding ring. One husband said, “When she threw her wedding rings at me and angrily walked out of the house, slamming the door behind her, I knew our marriage was in serious trouble. I didn’t pick up her rings for two days. When I finally did, I couldn’t stop crying.” The lonely rings s rred deep emo ons within the husband. Visual symbols of love are more important to some people than to others. That’s why individuals have different a tudes toward wedding rings. Some never take the ring off a er the wedding. Others don’t even wear a wedding band. If receiving gi s is my primary love language, I will place great value on the ring you have given me and I will wear it with pride. I will also be moved emo onally by other gi s that you give through the years. I will see them as expressions of love. Without gi s as visual symbols, I may ques on your love. Gi s may be purchased, found, or made. The husband who finds an interes ng bird feather while out jogging and brings it home to his wife has found himself an expression of love, unless, of course, his wife is allergic to feathers. For the man who can afford it, you can purchase a beau ful card for less than five dollars. For the man who cannot, you can make one for free. Get the paper out of the trash can where you work, fold it in the middle, take scissors and cut out a heart, write “I love you,” and sign your name. Gi s need not be expensive. But what of the person who says, “I’m not a gi giver. I didn’t receive many gi s growing up. I never learned how to select gi s. It doesn’t come naturally for me.” Congratula ons, you have just made the first discovery in becoming a great lover. You and your spouse speak different love languages. Now that you have made that discovery, get on with the business of learning your second language. If your spouse’s primary love language is receiving gi s, you can become a proficient gi giver. In fact, it is one of the easiest love languages to learn. Where do you begin? Make a list of all the gi s your spouse has expressed excitement about receiving through the years. They may be gi s you have given or gi s given by other family members or friends. The list will give you an idea of the kind of gi s your spouse would enjoy receiving. If you have li le or no knowledge about selec ng the kinds of gi s on your list, recruit the help of family members who know your spouse. In the mean me, select gi s that you feel comfortable purchasing, making, or finding, and give them to your spouse. Don’t wait for a special occasion. If receiving gi s is his/her primary love language, almost anything you give will be received as an expression of love. (If she has been cri cal of your gi s in the past and almost nothing you have given has been acceptable, then receiving gi s is almost certainly not her primary love language.)

THE BEST INVESTMENT

If you are to become an effec ve gi giver, you may have to change your a tude about money. Each of us has an individualized percep on of the purposes of money, and we have various emo ons associated with spending it. Some of us have a spending orienta on. We feel good about ourselves when we are spending money. Others have a saving and inves ng perspec ve. We feel good about ourselves when we are saving money and inves ng it wisely. If you are a spender, you will have li le difficulty purchasing gi s for your spouse; but if you are a saver, you will experience emo onal resistance to the idea of spending money as an expression of love. You don’t purchase things for yourself. Why should you purchase things for your spouse? But that a tude fails to recognize that you are purchasing things for yourself. By saving and inves ng money, you are purchasing self-worth and emo onal security. You are caring for your own emo onal needs in the way you handle money. What you are not doing is mee ng the emo onal needs of your spouse. If you discover that your spouse’s primary love language is receiving gi s, then perhaps you will understand that purchasing gi s for him or her is the best investment you can make. You are inves ng in your rela onship and filling your spouse’s emo onal love tank, and with a full love tank, he or she will likely reciprocate emo onal love to you in a language you will understand. When both persons’ emo onal needs are met, your marriage will take on a whole new dimension. Don’t worry about your savings. You will always be a saver, but to invest in loving your spouse is to invest in blue-chip stocks.

THE GIFT OF SELF There is an intangible gi that some mes speaks more loudly than a gi that can be held in one’s hand. I call it the gi of self or the gi of presence. Being there when your spouse needs you speaks loudly to the one whose primary love language is receiving gi s. Sonia once said to me, “My husband loves so ball more than he loves me.” “Why do you say that?” I inquired. “On the day our baby was born, he played so ball. I was lying in the hospital all a ernoon while he played so ball,” she said. “Was he there when the baby was born?” “He stayed long enough for the baby to be born, but ten minutes a erward, he le . It was awful. It was such an important moment in our lives. I wanted us to share it together. I wanted Tony to be there with me.” That “baby” was now fi een years old, and Sonia was talking about the event with all the emo on as though it had happened yesterday. I probed further. “Have you based your conclusion that Tony loves so ball more than he loves you on this one experience?” “No,” she said. “On the day of my mother’s funeral, he also played so ball.” “Did he go to the funeral?”

“Yes, he did. He went to the funeral, but as soon as it was over, he le to get to his game. I couldn’t believe it. My brothers and sisters came to the house with me, but my husband was playing so ball.” Later, I asked Tony about those two events. He knew exactly what I was talking about. “I knew she would bring that up,” he said. “I was there through all the labor and when the baby was born. I took pictures; I was so happy. I couldn’t wait to tell the guys on the team, but my bubble was burst when I got back to the hospital that evening. She was furious with me. I couldn’t believe what she was saying. I thought she would be proud of me for telling the team. “And when her mother died? She probably didn’t tell you that I took off work a week before she died and spent the whole week at the hospital and at her mother’s house doing repairs and helping out. A er she died and the funeral was over, I felt I had done all I could do. I needed a breather. I like to play so ball, and I knew that would help me relax and relieve some of the stress I’d been under. I thought she would want me to take a break. “I had done what I thought was important to her, but it wasn’t enough. She has never let me forget those two days. She says that I love so ball more than I love her. That’s ridiculous.” He was a sincere husband who failed to understand the tremendous power of presence. His being there for his wife was more important than anything else in her mind. Physical presence in the me of crisis is the most powerful gi you can give if your spouse’s primary love language is receiving gi s. Your body becomes the symbol of your love. Remove the symbol, and the sense of love evaporates. In counseling, Tony and Sonia worked through the hurts and misunderstandings of the past. Eventually, Sonia was able to forgive him, and Tony came to understand why his presence was so important to her. If the physical presence of your spouse is important to you, I urge you to verbalize that to your spouse. Don’t expect him to read your mind. If, on the other hand, your spouse says to you, “I’d love for you to come with me tomorrow,” take his request seriously. From your perspec ve, it may not be important; but if you are not responsive to that request, you may be communica ng a message you do not intend. A husband once said, “When my mother died, my wife’s supervisor said that she could be off two hours for the funeral, but she needed to be back in the office for the a ernoon. My wife told him that she felt her husband needed her support that day and she would have to be away the en re day. The supervisor replied, ‘If you are gone all day, you may well lose your job.’ “My wife said, ‘My husband is more important than my job.’ She spent the day with me. Somehow that day, I felt more loved by her than ever before. I have never forgo en what she did. “Incidentally, she didn’t lose her job. Her supervisor soon le , and she was asked to take his job.” That wife had spoken the love language of her husband, and he never forgot it.

MIRACLE IN CHICAGO

Almost everything ever wri en on the subject of love indicates that at the heart of love is the spirit of giving. All five love languages challenge us to give to our spouse, but for some, receiving gi s, visible symbols of love, speaks the loudest. I heard the most graphic illustra on of that truth in Chicago, where I met Doug and Kate. They a ended my marriage seminar and agreed to take me to O’Hare Airport a er the seminar on Saturday a ernoon. We had two or three hours before my flight, and they asked if I would like to stop at a restaurant. I was famished, so I readily assented. Kate began talking almost immediately a er we sat down. She said, “Dr. Chapman, God used you to perform a miracle in our marriage. Three years ago, we a ended your marriage seminar here in Chicago for the first me. I was desperate,” she said. “I was thinking seriously of leaving Doug and had told him so. Our marriage had been empty for a long me. I had given up. For years, I had complained to Doug that I needed his love, but he never responded. I loved the children, and I knew they loved me, but I felt nothing coming from Doug. In fact, by that me, I hated him. He was a methodical person. He did everything by rou ne. He was as predictable as a clock, and no one could break into his rou ne. “For years,” she con nued, “I tried to be a good wife. I did all the things I thought a good wife should do. I had sex with him because I knew that was important to him, but I felt no love coming from him. I felt like he stopped da ng me a er we got married and simply took me for granted. I felt used and unappreciated. “When I talked to Doug about my feelings, he’d laugh at me and say we had as good a marriage as anybody else in the community. He didn’t understand why I was so unhappy. He would remind me that the bills were paid, that we had a nice house and a new car, that I was free to work or not work outside the home, and that I should be happy instead of complaining all the

me. He didn’t even try to understand my feelings. I felt totally rejected. “Well, anyway,” she said as she moved her tea and leaned forward, “we came to your seminar three years ago. I did not know what to expect, and frankly I didn’t expect much. I didn’t think anybody could change Doug. During and a er the seminar, he didn’t say too much. He seemed to like it. Then that Monday a ernoon, he came home from work and gave me a rose. ‘Where did you get that?’ I asked. ‘I bought it from a street vendor,’ he said. ‘I thought you deserved a rose.’ I started crying. ‘Oh, Doug, that is so sweet of you.’ “On Tuesday he texted me from the office at about one thirty and asked me what I thought about his picking up a pizza for dinner. That may not sound like a big deal to most people, but Doug never does anything like that. I told him I thought the idea was wonderful, and so he brought home a pizza and we all had a fun me together. I gave him a hug and told him how much I enjoyed it.

“When he came home on Wednesday, he brought each of the kids a box of Cracker Jacks, and he had a small po ed plant for me. He said he knew the rose would die, and he thought I might like something that would be around for a while. I was beginning to think I was hallucina ng! I couldn’t believe what Doug was doing or why he was doing it. “Thursday night a er dinner, he handed me a card with a message about his not always being able to express his love to me but hoping that the card would communicate how much he cared. ‘Why don’t we get a babysi er on Saturday night and the two of us go out for dinner?’ he suggested. ‘That would be great,’ I said. On Friday a ernoon, he stopped by the cookie shop and bought each of us one of our favorite cookies. Again, he kept it as a surprise, telling us only that he had a treat for dessert. “By Saturday night,” she said, “I was in orbit. I had no idea what had come over Doug, or if it would last, but I was enjoying every minute of it. A er our dinner at the restaurant, I said to him, ‘Doug, you have to tell me what’s happening. I don’t understand.’” She looked at me intently. “Dr. Chapman, this was a man who never gave me a gi , ever. He never gave me a card for any occasion. He always said, ‘It’s a waste of money; you look at the card and throw it away.’ He never bought the children anything and expected me to buy only the essen als. He expected me to have dinner ready every night. I mean, this was a radical change in his behavior.” I turned to Doug and asked, “What did you say to her in the restaurant when she asked you what was going on?” “I told her I had listened to your lecture on love languages at the seminar and realized that her love language was gi s. I also realized I had not given her a gi in years, maybe not since we had been married. I remembered when we were da ng, I used to bring her flowers and other small gi s, but a er marriage I figured we couldn’t afford that. I told her I had decided I was going to try to get her a gi every day for one week and see if it made any difference in her. I had to admit I had seen a pre y big difference in her a tude during the week. “I told her I realized that what you said was really true and that learning the right love language was the key to helping another person feel loved. I said I was sorry I had been so dense for all those years and had failed to meet her need for love. I told her I really loved her and that I appreciated all the things she did for me and the kids. I told her that with God’s help, I was going to be a gi giver for the rest of my life. “She said, ‘But, Doug, you can’t go on buying me gi s every day for the rest of your life. We can’t afford that.’ ‘Well, maybe not every day,’ I said, ‘but at least once a week. That would be fi y-two more gi s per year than what you have received in the past five years.’”

“I don’t think he has missed a single week in three years,” Kate said. “He is like a new man. You wouldn’t believe how happy we have been. Our children call us lovebirds now. My tank is full and overflowing.” I looked at Doug. “But what about you, Doug? Do you feel loved by Kate?” “Oh, I’ve always felt loved by her, Dr. Chapman. She does so much to help me and the kids. She takes care of the finances, knows where we all have to be when, stays in touch with my family on Facebook … I know she loves me.” He smiled and said, “Now, you know what my love language is, don’t you?” I did, and I also knew why Kate had used the word miracle. Gi s need not be expensive, nor must they be given weekly. But for some individuals, their worth has nothing to do with monetary value and everything to do with love.

A QUICK THOUGHT ABOUT RECEIVING GIFTS From Drs. Les & Leslie Parro

We counsel a lot of couples—especially the engaged and newlywed variety. It won’t come as a surprise to know we o en rely on Gary’s Love Languages as a trusty compass to help navigate the labyrinth of love. But early on, we were stuck. We needed help. So, we made a hotline call to Gary: “We’re counseling a young couple, madly in love, but they’re struggling,” we told him. “Her love tank is on fumes because she’s all about receiving gi s but money is ght so her guy equates the dollar store with Neiman Marcus.” Gary, like the sage he is, was quick with an idea: “Let him off the hook. He doesn’t need to be a big spender. But give him an assignment to cra or find a small, meaningful token that symbolizes his love. Remind him it’s not about the price tag. It’s about the heart. If he does this, he’ll soon learn her love language.” Admi edly, we were both a li le suspect. This seemed almost too easy. But who are we to argue with Gary Chapman? So, Les took the husband aside, laid out the plan, and we waited for our next counseling session to roll around a week later. As we entered the counseling office, Breanna, the wife, had a smile that was about as discernable as Mona Lisa’s. We couldn’t tell if the report was going to be good or bad. “Well,” she said, “Jake gave me a twig … a li le, nondescript, three-inch twig.” Our minds raced as we both cringed. If there was an invisible thought bubble over our two heads it would have read: “Oh no, what was Gary thinking?”

Breanna con nued: “He told me he picked it up a er a day’s work in the yard. At first I was bewildered. But then Jake told me the twig reminded him how he some me feels fragile and weak, but I’m the one person in his life who makes him feel safe and strong. I teared up instantly.” I think our jaws nearly dropped to the floor in unison. Cue the next invisible thought bubble: “Maybe Gary actually knows what he’s talking about.” And, of course, he does. We’ve seen this script play out countless mes whenever a couple cracks their personal code of giving and receiving meaningful gi s. Of course, not all gi s are created or given equally. Some are grand and gli ering, like a luxurious spa weekend getaway. Others are small and sen mental, like a hand cra ed card. So if receiving gi s is your primary love language—or your loved one’s—it’s high me you become fluent in this love language and understand what we call your “gi bent.” You can learn all about it if you are inclined to take the personalized 5 Love Languages Premium Assessment. It will help you pinpoint whether your gi giving and receiving should lean more sen mental than sensible, as just one example. Imagine having to never wonder what kind of gi is most likely to fill up your loved one’s love tank. If you’re interested, you can unwrap your gi bent by going to 5lovelanguages.com/premium and taking the assessment.

Oh, and if you’re wondering whether that gi -twig was a short-lived love boost for Breanna, wonder no more. Jake and Breanna have been married for nearly a decade now. And guess

where that twig is today. The trash? Not on your life. It s ll sits on Breanna’s desk in the kitchen where he gave it to her. All these years later, it con nues to serve as a visual symbol of Jake’s love for Breanna. Can you believe it? A common and fragile twig became a treasured gi . Now, if receiving gi s is a foreign love language to you, like it was for Jake, we don’t recommend the twig route unless you’re up for a laugh or two. A er all, your partner is likely reading this book, too, and trust us, he or she will see right through it. You’ll have to muster your own crea vity, use your imagina on, and contextualize your gi to your sweetheart. And keep Gary’s sage wisdom in mind as you do: It’s not about the price tag, it’s about the heart behind it.

IF YOUR SPOUSE’S LOVE LANGUAGE IS

RECEIVING GIFTS: 1. You’ve heard of the twelve days of Christmas. How about twelve days of gi s for your spouse’s birthday or your wedding anniversary? 2. Let nature be your guide: The next me you take a walk through the neighborhood, keep your eyes open for a gi for your spouse. It may be a stone, a s ck, or a feather. You may even a ach special meaning to your natural gi . For example, a smooth stone may symbolize your marriage with many of the rough places now polished. A feather may symbolize how your spouse is the “wind beneath your wings.” 3. Discover the value of “handmade originals.” Make a gi for your spouse. This may require you to enroll in an art or cra s class: ceramics, scrapbooking, pain ng, wood carving. Your main purpose for enrolling is to make your spouse a gi . A handmade gi o en becomes a family heirloom. 4. When money is ght, think of appropriate symbolic gi s. Look at pictures of beau ful houses and daydream about what kind of house you would have if money were no object. Instead of plane ckets, go on a “flight of fantasy” to Dubai or Sydney. 5. Keep a “Gi Idea Notebook.” Every me you hear your spouse say: “I really like that,” or “Oh, I would really like to have one of those!” write it down in your notebook. Listen carefully and you may get quite a list. This will serve as a guide when you get ready to select a gi . To prime the pump, you may look through a favorite online shopping site together.

6. Enlist a “personal shopper.” If you really don’t have a clue as to how to select a gi for your spouse, ask a friend or family member who knows your wife or husband well to help you. Most people enjoy making a friend happy by ge ng them a gi , especially if it is with your money. 7. Offer the gi of presence during an especially hard me in your spouse’s life—perhaps if he’s caring for an elderly parent or she’s dealing with a job crisis. 8. Give your spouse a book and agree to read it yourself. Then offer to discuss together a chapter each week. Don’t choose a book that you want him or her to read. Choose a book on a topic in which you know your spouse has an interest: sex, football, gourmet cuisine, inves ng, childrearing, religion, history. 9. Give a las ng tribute. Give a gi to your spouse’s favorite charity in honor of her birthday, your anniversary, or another occasion. Ask the charity to send a card informing your spouse of what you have done. The church or charity will be excited and so will your spouse.