Unit 2 FD

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6

THE CHRISTIAN FAMILY:

Family in the New Testament

As we saw in the previous chapter, the ancient Israelite conception of family placed an exceedingly great value on one’s kinship ties. We learned about the Old Testament teaching on the roles and responsibilities of fathers, mothers, and children, and on the importance of teaching children about God. We also discussed examples of good and bad parents in the Old Testament. In the present chapter, we will endeavor to build on these foundations and learn about the New Testament teaching on children, parenting, and the home. As will be seen, both Jesus and Paul provide a significant amount of instruction on this vital topic. The chapter concludes with insights from New Testament family relationships.

THE EXAMPLE AND TEACHING OF JESUS

First-century Palestine and Jesus’ Example In Jesus’ day, the extended family lived together (e.g., Mark 1:30), typically sharing a three- or four-room home. Like their mother, daughters were to take a domestic role (Matt. 10:35; Luke 12:53), and boys were to emulate their father’s example according to the1

ancient Israelite maxim “like father, like son.” Jesus himself learned his father’s trade as a craftsman (Matt. 13:55; Mark 6:3). The2 3

variety of terms used in the New Testament for “child” by Jesus and others—such as (baby, infant, fetus) (smallbrephos child, three or four years of age), and (child, offspring in general), and (small child, normally belowteknon teknion paidion paidarion age of puberty), (young person, normally below age of puberty)—indicates an awareness of the child in its social setting andpais stages of development. Jesus himself modeled obedience in relation to his earthly parents (Luke 2:51: “And he went down with them4

and came to Nazareth and was submissive to them”) and supremely toward his heavenly Father (e.g., Mark 14:36; cf. Heb. 5:8).

Jesus’ Teaching on the Family and Discipleship While Jesus affirmed marriage and blessed children, he conceived of the community of believers in familial terms transcending those of people’s natural relations. This, as has been mentioned several times before, is one of the most striking, distinctive, and central5

aspects of Jesus’ call to discipleship. In Jesus’ own words, “If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and6

wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple.” In keeping with Old Testament7

prediction, Jesus came not to bring peace but a sword, “to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. And a person’s enemies will be those of his own household” (Matt. 10:34-36).

In his personal experience, Jesus knew spiritual rejection even within his natural family (Mark 3:21; 6:1-6a; John 7:1-9) and asserted that his primary loyalty and that of his followers must be to God the Father (Luke 2:49; Mark 3:31-35). Leaving one’s natural family behind, even literally, was regularly expected of Jesus’ first followers, at least for the duration of Jesus’ three-year earthly ministry (though it appears that subsequently the disciples resumed normal family relations, 1 Cor. 9:5). This is made clear by what is perhaps the earliest account of Jesus’ calling of his disciples in Mark’s Gospel, where Jesus calls Simon, his brother Andrew, and the sons of Zebedee, and these fishermen leave their natural vocation and family contexts in order to follow Jesus (Mark 1:16-20 par. Matt. 4:18-22; cf. Luke 5:2-11).

Those who resist Jesus’ call to discipleship are frequently unwilling to forsake their natural ties in favor of total allegiance to Jesus. Luke records a series of three such memorable instances, where would-be disciples of Jesus are unwilling to follow him unconditionally and are turned back, being told, respectively, that “Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head”; “Let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and proclaim the kingdom of God”; and “No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God” (Luke 9:58, 60, 62 ; cf. Matt. 8:19-22).NIV

All three of the Synoptic Gospels also record a rich young man’s unwillingness to part with his wealth in order to follow Jesus, setting his refusal in contrast to the disciples’ unconditional commitment to their Master (Mark 10:17-31 pars. Matt. 19:16-30; Luke 18:18-30). Upon Peter’s remark that he and his fellow disciples have left everything to follow him, Jesus responds with the promise that there is “no one who has left house or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or lands, for my sake and for the gospel, who will not receive a hundredfold now in this time, houses and brothers and sisters and mothers and children and lands, with persecutions, and in the age to come eternal life” (Mark 10:29-31 and pars.).

2 0 1 0 . C r o s s w a y .

A l l r i g h t s r e s e r v e d . M a y n o t b e r e p r o d u c e d i n a n y f o r m w i t h o u t p e r m i s s i o n f r o m t h e p u b l i s h e r , e x c e p t f a i r u s e s p e r m i t t e d u n d e r U . S . o r a p p l i c a b l e c o p y r i g h t l a w .

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Jesus himself set the example by repeatedly renouncing his own natural family ties where they potentially stood in conflict with higher spiritual loyalties. Thus, the twelve-year-old Jesus responded to his parents’ anguished concern, “Why were you looking for8

me? Did you not know that I must be in my Father’s house?” (Luke 2:49). Later, Jesus rebukes first his mother and then his brothers for failing to understand the divine timing underlying his ministry (John 2:4; 7:6-8).

Again, he refused to be drawn back into the confines of his natural relations when his concerned family went to take charge of him, fearing that the strains of his busy ministry had caused him to lose his mind. When told that his family was waiting for him outside, he queried in a dramatic gesture, “Who are my mother and my brothers?” Answering his own question, he looked at those seated in a circle around him and issued the weighty pronouncement, “Here are my mother and my brothers! For whoever does the will of God, he is my brother and sister and mother” (Mark 3:31-35 and pars.; see also Mark 3:20-21). In due course, it appears that Jesus’ mother and (at least some of) his brothers indeed acknowledged that they, too, must subordinate their familial claims to allegiance to Jesus as their Savior and Lord (e.g., Acts 1:14; but see already Luke 1:46-47).9

Examples could be multiplied (cf. Luke 11:27-28; John 19:26-27), but the implications of Jesus’ teaching on discipleship are clear. Rather than preaching a gospel urging believers to make marriage and family their ultimate priority—though obviously these have a10

vital place in God’s purposes for humanity—Jesus placed natural kinship ties in the larger context of the kingdom of God. Thus,11

while Jesus affirmed natural relations, such as the divine institution of marriage and the need to honor one’s parents (Mark 10:8-9, 19 par.), he acknowledged the higher calling of discipleship. One’s commitment to truth may lead to division, not peace, in one’s natural family (Matt. 10:34), and in this case following Jesus must take precedence (Luke 9:57-62).12

While Jesus placed people’s obligations within the larger framework of God’s kingdom, however, this should not be taken to13

imply that Christians are to neglect their family responsibilities. As Paul would later write, “But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever” (1 Tim. 5:8). Clearly, Jesus’ physical presence on this earth and his three-year public ministry necessitated unconditional physical following of the Master in a unique way. At the same time, the spiritual principle that following Jesus ought to be every Christian’s first priority continues to apply, and where this brings an individual into conflict with his or her natural family obligations, he or she must first seek God’s kingdom and his righteousness (Matt. 6:33).

Children in the Ministry of Jesus Jesus did not deal with children merely on the level of what they should do or think but on the level of who they were in God’s eyes. Studying how Jesus understood children can help us know how we should view and relate to our own and others’ children. Jesus’ earthly ministry intersected with children on a number of occasions. As mentioned, Jesus more than once 14 restored children to their

In one instance, Jesus put a child in the disciples’ midst as an example of the parents by way of miraculous healing.15 nature of , asserting that, “Whoever receives one such child in my name receives me, and whoever receives me, receives not me butdiscipleship

him who sent me” (Mark 9:36-37 and pars.). This must have been startling for Jesus’ audience, since in his day it would have been uncommon for adults to think they could learn anything from a child. At another juncture, children were brought to Jesus to receive a blessing from him (Mark 10:13-16 and pars.).16

The climactic pronouncement, “I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it” (Mark 10:15 ), ties together the earlier-recorded instances of Jesus’ receptivity toward children with an importantNIV characteristic of the kingdom, a humble lack of regard for one’s own supposed status (cf. Luke 22:26 : “Instead, the greatest amongNIV

you should be like the youngest”). For Jesus, there is no better way to illustrate God’s free, unmerited grace than pointing to a child.17

For, unlike many adults, children are generally entirely unpretentious about receiving a gift. Moreover, “little ones,” that is, the least regardless of age, are a repeated focus in Jesus’ teaching on discipleship (Matt. 18:5; Luke 9:48). Indeed, God’s kingdom must be18

entered in a childlike spirit, a lesson that was yet to be learned by Jesus’ followers. In sayings preserved by Matthew, Jesus focuses even more specifically on the sense of dependency and trust that are characteristic

of children and that are traits essential for those who would enter his kingdom. In Matthew 11:25-26, Jesus praises the Father for concealing his truth from the self-proclaimed wise and understanding and revealing it to little children. This statement turns out to be prophetic when in Matthew 21:15 the children are shouting in the temple, “Hosanna to the Son of David!” while the chief priests and the teachers of the law are indignant at the sight of the children’s praise of Jesus and of “the wonderful things that he did.”

According to Jesus, the quality in children that is most emblematic of kingdom virtues is their . Unless an individuallow status therefore turns and becomes like a child, he will never enter the kingdom of heaven (Matt. 18:3). While children may not necessarily be humble in a spiritual sense— much less “innocent”—their lack of status, their unpretentiousness, and their dependence on others make them suitable illustrations of the need for would-be candidates for Jesus’ kingdom to “become nothing” and be stripped of their earthly status (cf. Phil. 2:6-7). Hence they embody Jesus’ radical call for discipleship and his requirement for his followers to “take up their cross” in total self-abandonment (e.g., Mark 8:34-38 and pars.).

There are several other ways in which children came to in believers in the early church: as an imagetypify desirable attitudes representing the needy, the “little ones” who are members of the church (Mark 9:42; Matt. 18:6-14; cf. Acts 20:35); as a metaphor for learning in expressing the relationship of pupil to teacher as child to parent (Mark 10:24b; 2 Cor. 12:14; 1 Tim. 1:2; 1 John 2:1); and as a symbol of hope and new beginning (Isa. 9:6 cf. Luke 2:12-14) in association with imagery of birthing as a new creation, be it in elaboration of the pupil-teacher relationship (Gal. 4:19) or with reference to the birth pangs of the messianic age (John 16:21; Rom. 8:22; 1 Thess. 5:3; Rev. 12:2; cf. Isa. 26:16-19; 66:7-14).19

Overall, then, we learn from Jesus that we should not look down on children because they are not fully grown and hence are of lower social status than adults. Like Jesus, we should treat children with respect and dignity, as unique and precious creatures made by

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God and valuable in his sight. What is more, contrary to our natural inclination that may tell us that we can learn nothing from children and that the relationship is strictly one-way from parent or adult to child, we should look at children also from the vantage point of desirable kingdom traits they may exemplify in a more pronounced way than we do ourselves. This is one way in which God defies the wisdom of those who are wise in their own eyes and the pride of those who think they are something in and of themselves (Matt. 11:25-27; cf. 1 Cor. 1:27-29).

Ministry to children, therefore, should be conducted in a humble spirit of service rather than in a patronizing manner, and should be viewed as a privilege rather than as an undesirable chore left to those who are unable to attain to a higher calling. While children have much to learn, they also have much to teach us, if we are humble enough to listen to them and to observe them. Their simple faith that takes God at his word, their believing prayer trusting God to do what they ask, their willingness to explore new things and to follow the lead of another—these are but a few examples of qualities in children that adults will find inspiring and worth emulating. By repeatedly pointing to children as models of kingdom values and attitudes, Jesus elevated those who are lowly in this world and humbled those with status, power, and position.

PAUL’S TEACHING ON THE ROLE OF FATHERS, MOTHERS, AND CHILDREN

The Ancient Household and “Household Codes” In order to arrive at a deeper understanding of the New Testament teaching on the various roles and responsibilities of the respective members of a family, it will be instructive to look briefly at the ancient household and the genre of the “household code.” Unlike the modern household, ancient households included not only a married couple and children but also other dependents, such as slaves, with the head of the household in a position of authority to which wife, children, and slaves were to submit. The New Testament features several adaptations of the Greco-Roman “household code” (esp. Eph. 5:21-6:9; Col. 3:18-4:1), a literary device or kind of list that addresses the various members of the household as to their duties, usually progressing from the “lesser” (i.e., the one under authority) to the “greater” (i.e., the one in a position of authority). The underlying assumption of this code is that order in the household will20

promote order on a larger societal scale as well. Believers’ conformance to the ethical standards of such a code would render Christianity respectable in the surrounding culture (1 Tim. 3:7; 6:1; Titus 2:5, 8, 10; 3:8; 1 Pet. 2:12) and aid in the church’s evangelistic mission (1 Thess. 4:12). In keeping with the Pauline pattern, we will comment first on the subordinate group, i.e.,21

children, and then proceed to discuss parents, both fathers and mothers.22

Children in Paul’s Teaching

Before turning our attention to Paul’s teaching on children, it will be helpful to set this topic in its larger biblical and cultural context. As mentioned, in the Old Testament, honoring one’s parents is mandated, while rebellion against one’s parents is tantamount to23

disrespect toward God himself. Disobedience toward one’s parents is put on the same level as treason and idol worship (see, e.g., Ex. 21:15, 17; Lev. 19:3; 20:9; Deut. 21:18-21; 27:16). First-century Jews (as well as the Greco-Roman world at large), too, prized24

obedience in children. It was recognized, however, that such obedience could not be assumed to arise naturally but must be25

inculcated from childhood. Ultimately, the standing and honor of the entire family was at stake. What is more, the hand of divine blessing could be withdrawn if God’s commandment to honor one’s parents and his injunction for parents to raise their children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord were disregarded. Hence, the man of God must see to it “that his children obey him with proper respect” (1 Tim. 3:4 ; cf. Titus 1:6). In the New Testament, disobedience to parents is viewed as a phenomenon characteristic ofNIV

the end times (Mark 13:12; 2 Tim. 3:1-2; cf. 1 Tim. 1:9) that would draw divine judgment (Rom. 1:30, 32).26

The apostle Paul considered children’s obedience to be vital. The major Pauline injunction pertaining to children is found as part of the “household code” in Ephesians 6:1-3: “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right: ‘Honor your father and mother’ (this is the first commandment with a promise), ‘that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.’” While the27

commandment to honor one’s parents is cited five other times in the New Testament (Matt. 15:4; 19:19; Mark 7:10; 10:19; Luke 18:20), the attached promise is cited only in Ephesians. Paul’s words in Colossians 3:20-21 are similar: “Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged” ( : “disheartened”).NET

In the more extensive passage in Ephesians, Paul indicates that children’s submission to their parents is a result of Spirit-filling (Eph. 6:1; cf. Eph. 5:18: “be filled with the Spirit”), which suggests that only regenerate children can consistently live out this pattern of relationship in the power of the Holy Spirit. Why ought children to obey their parents? By the forward-pointing phrase “this is28

right” in Ephesians 6:1, Paul roots children’s obligation to obey their parents in the Old Testament Decalogue (Ex. 20:12 ; cf.LXX

Deut. 5:16). Interestingly, the command to honor one’s parents follows immediately after the first four commandments (which have29

to do with God’s holiness) as the first commandment that relates to right relationships between human beings on a horizontal level. In the present passage, Paul treats children as responsible members of the congregation whose obedience to their parents “is all of a piece with their submission to Christ.” The phrase “in the Lord” in Ephesians 6:1 is equivalent to “as to the Lord” or “as to Christ” (cf.30

Eph. 5:22; 6:5) and indicates that children’s obedience is part of their Christian discipleship. Obedience means honor, respect, and, properly understood, “fear” of one’s parents (Lev. 19:3; cf. Lev. 19:14). In the context of the present passage, children’s obedience to their parents epitomizes a submission that arises from a godly fear of Christ himself (Eph. 5:21).

The promise that it would go well with children who honor their parents referred in the original context to long life in the (promised) land of Israel (Ex. 20:12: “that your days may be long in the land that the L your God is giving you”). PaulORD

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universalizes the promise and thus indicates its continued relevance and applicability. No longer is the promise limited geographically; obedient children are promised a long life on earth wherever they may live. Ephesians 6:1-3 appears to be addressed primarily to children “who are in the process of learning and growing up” or at least old enough that they could be “provoked to anger” (cf. Eph. 6:4). However, while children’s responsibilities toward their parents change once they establish their own family, they do not31

therefore cease. In a later letter, Paul notes that children’s responsibility to honor their parents also entails caring for them in their old age (1 Tim. 5:8), which is viewed as proper repayment for having been reared by them (1 Tim. 5:4).32

By way of implication, it is critical that parents teach children the importance of obedience. Parents who neglect to hold their children accountable for rendering obedience fail them in that they do not help them along the path of Christian discipleship, of which obedience is a central component. Hence the primary importance of obedience is not for parents to receive their children’s obedience, but for parents to help children to learn to exercise obedience ultimately . The fact that proper obediencein their relationship with God is possible, for children as well as for adults, ultimately only as a result of a faith commitment to Jesus Christ and in the power of the Holy Spirit, suggests that introducing the child to a personal relationship with God in Christ ought to be a burning fire in the heart of every Christian parent (primarily because of their concern for their child’s salvation). Nevertheless, obedience should be demanded and disobedience punished, even in non-Christian (as of yet) children.

Fathers and the Importance of Fatherhood in Paul’s Teaching In Ephesians 6:4, Paul writes, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” The Colossian parallel reads, “Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged” (Col. 3:21). While33

children ought to obey both parents (Eph. 6:1; Col. 3:20), fathers bear special responsibility for disciplining their children and are specifically singled out by Paul in the present passage. Although mothers may actually spend more time with them, the father is34

given the primary responsibility for disciplining his children. The apostle’s exhortation to fathers not to exasperate (Eph. 6:4 ) theirNIV children echoes his earlier concern about anger in Ephesians 4:26-27, 31, while the positive injunction to bring up children in the training and admonition of the Lord recalls the earlier emphasis on learning Christian teaching in Ephesians 4:20-21.35

It is important that fathers not provoke their children to anger (cf. Eph. 4:26-27, 31). If anger is prolonged, Satan will seek to exploit the familial discord to further his own ends. Fathers are therefore to avoid any attitudes, words, or actions that have the effect of provoking anger in their children, including “excessively severe discipline, unreasonably harsh demands, abuse of authority, arbitrariness, unfairness, constant nagging and condemnation, subjecting a child to humiliation, and all forms of gross insensitivity to a child’s needs and sensibilities.” Children are persons with dignity in their own right. They are not slaves owned by their parents but36

are entrusted to them by God as a sacred stewardship. In the Colossians passage, Paul notes that as a result of improper treatment, children may become discouraged (Col. 3:21). Indeed, few things are more heartbreaking than a child who has “lost heart” because of poor parenting.

Positively, fathers are to bring up their children “in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” The term “bring up” or “nourish,” used in Ephesians 5:29 for Christ’s nurture of his church, conveys the sense of rearing children to maturity, which includes, but is not limited to, providing for their physical and psychological needs. “Discipline” ( ) and “instruction” ( ) are closelypaideia nouthesia related but probably not synonymous. In its New Testament usage, the term translated “discipline” ( ) or the related verb paideia

may refer to education or training in general (Acts 7:22; 22:3; 2 Tim. 3:16; Titus 1:2) or specifically to chastisement for wrongdoing (1 Cor. 11:32; 2 Cor. 6:9; Heb. 12:5, 7, 8, 11). In Ephesians 6:4, the reference is in all likelihood to training in general, while encompassing discipline for wrongdoing as well. The phrase “in the Lord” (Eph. 6:4) implies that fathers themselves must be Christian disciples, so that they can raise their children and administer discipline in a way that is truly and thoroughly Christian.

Moving beyond our discussion of Ephesians 6:4 and looking at other relevant New Testament references, we observe that fathers’ primary role is to provide for their children and to ensure proper nurture and discipline. This involves formal as well as informal education and entails the exercise of various forms of discipline, including physical discipline (Prov. 13:24; 22:15; 23:13-14; Heb. 12:6; Rev. 3:19; cf. Sir. 3:23; 30:1-3, 12). As in the Greco-Roman world where the father’s authority ( ) held unrivaled37 patria potestas sway in his household, in both Jewish culture and biblical teaching the father ought to command great respect. As mentioned, however, fathers are not to use their position of authority to exasperate their children, but to treat them with gentleness (1 Cor. 4:15, 21; 1 Thess. 2:11; Col. 3:21; Eph. 6:4). Also, it is interesting to note that the skills required to manage one’s private household are38

the same as those necessary for governing in a public setting (1 Tim. 3:4-5).39

By way of implication, fathers (and mothers) must strike a balance between proper discipline and loving nurture and support. Neither the “encouraging parent” who neglects to discipline his child nor the strict disciplinarian fulfills the biblical ideal of parenting. Paul sought to strike just such a balance when he wrote to the Thessalonian believers that he and his associates had sought to be “gentle among you, like a mother caring for her little children” (1 Thess. 2:7 ), dealing “with each of you as a father deals with hisNIV own children, encouraging, comforting and urging you to live lives worthy of God” (1 Thess. 2:11-12 ). Ultimately, fathers oughtNIV to realize that their fatherhood derives from the “one God and Father of all” “from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named” (Eph. 4:6; 3:15) and who cares and provides faithfully for all his children and acts as a perfect Father toward them all (Heb. 12:5-10).40

Mothers and the Importance of Motherhood in Paul’s Teaching The apostle Paul taught that one of the primary roles of women is that of “childbearing,” that is, not only the act of giving birth but their domestic role related to the upbringing of children and managing of the home (1 Tim. 2:15; cf. 5:14). Thus, motherhood is not41

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disparaged in biblical teaching; contrary to many in modern society, it is held up as the woman’s highest calling and privilege. In fact, in his first letter to Timothy, the apostle intimates that, for women, straying from the home is yielding to the Devil’s temptation in a similar way to Eve overstepping her bounds at the original fall (1 Tim. 2:14-15). This exposes the unbiblical nature of a feminism42

that promotes gender equality understood as sameness and encourages women to forsake their calling in the home for the sake of finding self-fulfillment in a career outside the home.43

In fact, 1 Timothy 2:15 speaks a powerful message to our culture “where many are seeking to ‘liberate’ women from all encumbrances of family responsibilities in order to unleash them on a quest for self-fulfillment apart from such functions.” To the contrary, “it is precisely by participating in her role pertaining to the family that women fulfill their central calling.” This is not a44

matter of seeking to restrict women to the home, but of determining the essence of women’s calling from God and of encouraging them to live it out. This will result not only in greater blessing and fulfillment for women themselves but also for their husbands and families, and it will bring honor to the God who created us male and female.

The Importance of Older Women Mentoring Younger Women In his letter to Titus, Paul delineates the duties of both older and younger Christian women.

Older Women

Older women must be treated with respect (1 Tim. 5:1-2), and they have the important obligation to mentor younger women with regard to their family responsibilities (Titus 2:3-5). Older women are to exemplify the following four characteristics: (1) to be reverent in the way they live; (2) not to be slanderers; (3) not to be addicted (literally, “bound” or “enslaved”) to much wine; and (4) to45 46

teach what is good. Older women who avoided slander and wine were sure to stand out in their immoral Cretan surroundings (the destination of Paul’s epistle to Titus). The restricted movement often brought about by advanced age makes older people (then as today) particularly susceptible to fill their days with pastimes such as drinking or gossiping; this calls for godliness and self-control.

Older women are to cultivate virtue, not as an end in itself but for the purpose of training young women. Nevertheless, it is47

impossible to train others in qualities oneself does not possess. There is a great need in the contemporary church for older women who are godly and who obey the biblical command to train young women in the faith. Many younger women long for more mature women to take them under their wings and to teach them how to live the Christian life, especially since many of them lack such godly models in their own family or live at a great distance from home. Notably, such training—usually involving private rather than public instruction—is to focus squarely on the domestic sphere.48

Younger Women

Paul groups instructions for younger women in three pairs plus one final general injunction, starting and ending with their relationship to their husband (Titus 2:4: lovers of their husbands and lovers of their children). Second, they are to be cultivating Christian

: self-controlled and pure (Titus 2:5; cf. 1 Tim. 5:22; 2 Cor. 11:2; Phil. 4:8; 1 Pet. 3:2; 1 John 3:3). Third, they are to becharacter engaged in activities with the : workers at home (Titus 2:5; cf. 1 Tim 5:14) and kind (literally “good”; cf. 1 Thess.right kind of attitude 5:15; Eph. 4:28). Finally, they are to be (cf. Eph. 5:24; Col. 3:18; 1 Pet. 3:1, 5).subject to their own husbands

What can we learn from Paul’s teaching here as it relates to parenting? Perhaps the following observations will prove helpful. 1) While marriages should be strong, young women need other significant relationships. They need to be mentored by older women

endowed with life experience and the skill and wisdom that come from years of practicing Christian virtues. 2) Love of husbands comes before love of children (note the sequence “love their husbands and children” in Titus 2:4). Both

qualities were admired in wives in both Jewish and Greco-Roman culture. Putting love for husband first is important, since it allows parents to model a healthy and biblical marriage relationship before their children (cf. Prov. 14:26). Also, if a couple’s marriage relationship is neglected, their parenting and the entire family will likely suffer as a result as well.

3) Wives are called both to love and to submit to their husbands. Their submission is not to be grudging or perfunctory but loving49

and willing. The Greek word for “submit,” conveys the notion of “placing oneself under” another person’s authority, which implies that this is done voluntarily rather than under compulsion. Ephesians 5:21-33 links wives’ submission with respect for their husband (Eph. 5:22, 33). This respect ought to be freely given. Respect does not mean uncritical adoration, just as submission does not mean subservience.

4) Women need in dealing with their husbands and children. As wives, they are to exhibit sexual fidelity. As mothers,self-control they must maintain a loving disposition toward their children rather than grow irritable, resisting the temptation to view them as burdens rather than blessings from God.

5) Women’s hearts are to be and their attitude toward others in the home is to be rather than antagonistic or hostile.pure kind

6) Women are to be , “supervis[ing] their households with discretion and industry.”devoted first and foremost to the home 50

7) To our age, when devotion to married life and childrearing is often disparaged (in contrast to antiquity, when such was a highly lauded virtue), Paul speaks of the God has in store for women who defy secular stereotypes and focus on their God-givenblessing calling related to family and the home.

8) The desired result of proper wifely submission and diligent homemaking will be that no one will revile the Word of God (cf. 1 Peter 3:16). In other words, wives who live by these principles will make it harder for unbelievers to say bad things about Christianity,

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and perhaps this will open the door to communicating the gospel to them.

The Roles and Responsibilities in a Household according to Scripture

INSIGHTS FROM NEW TESTAMENT FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

The New Testament includes a good number of examples of both good and bad parenting. On the positive side, one thinks of Mary, the mother of Jesus, and her godly response to the angel’s announcement (Luke 1:38). When Jesus was twelve years old, Mary and Joseph lost track of Jesus for several days, and when they found him in the temple, they expressed typical parental concern: “Son, why have you treated us so? Behold, your father and I have been searching for you in great distress” (Luke 2:48). They did not understand Jesus’ response that he must be in his Father’s house. Then Jesus returned with them to Nazareth “and was submissive to them. And his mother treasured up all these things in her heart” (Luke 2:51). Hence, Jesus models filial obedience, and Mary is exemplary as a godly, caring mother who has a deep concern for the well-being of her child.

While later, during his public ministry, Jesus finds it necessary occasionally to draw a line between his natural relations and the requirements of discipleship (e.g., John 2:4; Matt. 12:46-50 and pars.; Mark 3:20-21, 31-35; Luke 11:27-28), he provides for his mother (John 19:26-27) and doubtless maintains a close filial bond. In keeping with Simeon’s prophecy that “a sword will pierce through your own soul also” (Luke 2:35), Mary had to watch helplessly as her son was crucified (John 19:25 and pars.). The last time she is mentioned in the New Testament, Mary “the mother of Jesus” is found in the upper room praying together with Jesus’ brothers, the apostles, and other godly women (Acts 1:14).

The New Testament also features many caring and distraught parents who bring their children to Jesus for healing. The widow’s son at Nain (Luke 7:11-15) and the daughter of the synagogue ruler Jairus (Mark 5:21-43, Luke 8:40-56) come to mind, both of whom are raised by Jesus from the dead. Others include the Gentile Syrophoenician woman who exercises unusual faith and from whose daughter Jesus exorcises a demon (Matt. 15:21-28; Mark 7:24-30). Another man brings his son who suffers from epilepsy, and the boy is healed instantly (Matt. 17:14-18 and pars.). A Capernaum official travels to Cana to plead with Jesus to heal his son, and Jesus obliges by performing a “long-distance” miraculous healing (John 4:46-54).

Mothers’ relationships with their sons were often particularly close, as in the case of Mary and Jesus (Luke 2:48-51; John 2:1-5; 19:25-27) or the widow’s son, “the only son of his mother” (Luke 7:12). That sometimes mothers can be a bit overzealous on behalf of their children is illustrated by the request of the mother of the sons of Zebedee, who boldly asks Jesus to grant her sons places of preeminence in his kingdom (Matt. 20:20-21). Jesus’ gracious but firm response makes it clear that in this case motherly zeal and ambition on behalf of her sons were misplaced (Matt. 20:22-28).

IMPLICATIONS

On the basis of our survey of the biblical teaching on the family, including the roles of father, mother, and children, in both Old and New Testaments, we draw the following implications for Christian, biblical parenting.51

Fundamentally, children, like all people, ought to be considered spiritual individuals who are uniquely created by God and yet are fallen sinners, so that the task of parenting is not merely that of behavioral conditioning but spiritual nurture and training. The use of one particular methodology in the exercise of external discipline or parental drills has some value but is limited in its usefulness. An engagement of the root cause of all unrighteous human behavior, sin, should be the goal (Rom. 3:23; 6:23). In reality, only those children and young people who experience personal regeneration through faith in Christ and receive the indwelling Holy Spirit can truly and permanently live a life pleasing to God and benefit as their parents guide them toward greater wisdom. This, however, does not do away with the need for parental discipline and training prior to a child’s conversion. It does mean, though, that parental efforts can only go so far unless aided by the internal, supernatural enablement in the response of the child. Thus the child’s conversion is truly an important aspect of parental guidance.

For this reason also parents ought not to be surprised or shocked when their children disobey. children will disobey—theyOf course are sinners! Parents rather should be expecting their children to sin, even after they have come to faith in Christ. Such an expectation is realistic and enables the parent to deal with each infraction calmly and deliberately, administering discipline with fairness, justice, and consistency (cf. Eph. 6:4; Col. 3:21). Whether or not they are believers, children need their parents to set and enforce standards for

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right and wrong behavior. This is how children learn to assume responsibility for their actions and come to realize that there are consequences for obedience as well as for disobedience. Hence the parents’ role is both positive and negative, similar to the effect of Scripture in a person’s life—they must teach and train their children in righteousness, but they must also discipline and correct (2 Tim. 3:16-17).

The role of the parent in the life of a converted child is not that of a substitute for the Holy Spirit (though prior to a child’s conversion, the parent may have a more direct role in convicting the child of sin). Nor can parents make moral choices theirfor children. Parents ought to consider themselves entrusted with the (temporary) responsibility and stewardship of nurturing and cultivating a child’s heart and mind in light of the Scriptures and on behalf of God (Pss. 127:3; 128:3-4). This also entails respect for the child’s individuality and unique creation in the eyes of God (Ps. 139:13-14; Prov. 22:6). Every child is different and unique, and parental techniques that may work well with one child may not work as well with another.52

In all these cases, therefore, there is no substitute for the Holy Spirit’s leading in each individual situation. Parents should prayerfully search the Scriptures, team up with other families that live nearby and with other Christian parents in their church. Talking to one another in order to arrive at a joint parenting philosophy is essential for a married couple so that they are unified in their approach and are pulling together rather than moving in different directions. In addition, parents should make the necessary adjustments in their approach to parenting along the way.

To be sure, no human parent is adequate to this task without divine help, nor are children able to pursue these characteristics apart from divine enablement. Parents occasionally may need to ask forgiveness from their children, which may help the children to understand that their parents are sinners, too. Parents should model a prayerful attitude of dependence on God in all things so that children come to realize that even their parents and other adults have limitations and need God’s help. Finally, joint worship, both as part of a local congregation and as a family at home, is a vital part of knitting a family together as brothers and sisters in Christ.53

CONCLUSION

Our survey in this chapter of children and parenting in the New Testament took its point of departure from Jesus’ own example and from his teaching on and encounters with children during his earthly ministry. From this we turned our attention to ancient “household codes” and Paul’s teaching on children and parenthood. On children and fathers, the special focus was Ephesians 6:1-4. With regard to motherhood and older women mentoring younger women, 1 Timothy 2:15 and Titus 2 proved to be particularly relevant.

At the end of our study of the biblical teaching on marriage and the family, we will do well to remember that these institutions are not ends in themselves nor do they exist primarily for our own good, but God has created both institutions for greater glory. As thehis German theologian Dietrich Bonhoeffer wrote:

Through marriage men are brought into being for the glorification and service of Jesus Christ and for the increase of his kingdom. This means that marriage is not only a matter of producing children, but also of educating them to be obedient to Jesus Christ. . . . In marriage it is for the service of Jesus Christ that new men are created.54

This is why a Christian marriage and family must be committed and subjected to Jesus Christ. This is also why marriage and the family must not be viewed in any way as an obstacle to true personal holiness, purity, and sanctification, but as an important key to the development of these and other virtues. In godly homes, husband and wife sharpen one another as “iron sharpens iron” (Prov. 27:17), and their children are drawn into the communal life of the family and into the path of discipleship pursued and modeled by their parents, which fulfills the Lord’s desire for godly offspring (Mal. 2:15).

This, too, is part of obeying the risen Christ’s commission for his followers to “go . . . and make disciples” (Matt. 28:18-20). What is more, in the case of one’s own children, too, discipleship entails baptism in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, and being taught to obey everything Jesus commanded his followers (cf. v. 19). Baptism and committed instruction, formal (such as by way of catechism, Sunday school, or programs like Awana in a church context or as part of a deliberate, intentional plan of instruction in the home) as well as informal (as opportunities arise), are not optional but form an essential part of life in God’s integrated design of marriage and the family.

Not only are children to be taught the Christian faith and helped to pursue the path of discipleship, but they are to be included in ministry performed in the context of the family and the church. What God desires is happy, secure, and fulfilled families where the needs of the individual family members are met but where this fulfillment is not an end in itself; rather, it becomes a vehicle for ministry to others. In this way God uses families to bring glory to himself and to further his kingdom, showing the world what he is like—by the love and unity expressed in a family and by the husband’s respect for his wife, the wife’s submission to her husband, and the children’s obedience (even if imperfect). What is more, the husband-wife relationship also expresses how God through Christ relates to his people the church. Thus it can be truly said that families have a vital part to play in God’s plan to “bring all things in heaven and on earth together under one head, even Christ,” “for the praise of his glory” (Eph. 1:10, 12 ).NIV

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