Mate Selection and Sex-M5

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M L Y HAKING OVE TO OUR USBAND

any times you have probably been amazed at the way your husband thinks and acts sexually. From the male perspective,

there are few situations where sex doesn’t add some spice and enhance the relationship. He can seem so onetrack and grabby.

Making love is perhaps the primary means your husband uses to feel connected to you. He allows emotions to come out and

himself to be physically close in a special way during your lovemaking. He also utilizes his sexual feelings to create variety and

excitement in his life, perhaps letting sex have too prominent a place in his thinking and needs. As you read the following pages,

you will discover he has a different sexual reality from yours. You may have to make some changes in the way you think, feel,

and act to please him and improve your love life. But it is interesting that you are probably more similar sexually than you are

different.

I must also state that some couples who are reading this book will find their situation reversed, with the wife having the

stronger urge for lovemaking. Men can be overwhelmed and feel incompetent, have a lower desire, possess a fear of intimacy, or

get their feelings hurt. The goal, regardless of which partner is more amorous, is to heal and negotiate and create a passionate and

frequent sex life.

U MNIQUELY ALE

Are men different or simply more immature sexually than women? Some of your husband’s actions and attitudes may stem

from immaturity, with some needed changes being helpful. Much of his thinking and behavior, though, is due to the fact that you

and he are wired differently. This section explains some of these distinctions.

N M C , M A DO ENSTRUAL YCLE ORE PPARENT ESIRE

Female hormonal fluctuation is tied to the menstrual cycle. Obviously, men do not experience this cycle. The primary

hormone in the male, testosterone, remains at a steady level within the male body until aging has some effects. Though this is not

always true, many women find some of their sexual desire tied to the hormonal cycle while men do not experience this

phenomenon. Their testosterone (the hormone that creates desire in both men and women) creates a fairly consistent desire.

That the male desire is apparently (more noticeable but not necessarily) stronger may also be a psychological as well as a

biological occurrence. Because of the double standard in our society, boys are given a freer rein of their sexual curiosity and

experimentation. They are encouraged to tune in to sex more as they, at an earlier age, build a strong, visual arousal to sexual

cues.

Because men use making love as a primary way of connecting with their mates, their sexual desire can seem greater because

the sexual part of the relationship may carry the load of maintaining intimacy. The need for more sexual activity can stem from

an inability to connect in other ways, like conversations and nonsexual touching. But men are not sexual machines that are

always switched on. They can be angry or stressed out or have defensive walls up that can sabotage their ability to relate sexually.

V S G F M IISUALLY PECIFIC AND ENITALLY OCUSED WITH ENTAL MAGERY

Rosenau, D. E. (2002). A celebration of sex for newlyweds. Thomas Nelson Incorporated. Created from liberty on 2025-11-16 04:47:33.

You can’t have helped seeing how your husband is prone to noticing parts of the female anatomy. Research has shown that

both men and women are aroused by visual stimulation, but they have different styles. A woman can drive by a cute male jogger,

notice his strong physique, and immediately forget the visual stimulus. A man can see a female jogger and almost drive off the

road trying to see in the rearview mirror what her breasts are like. He is more specific and obvious in his pursuit of visual sexual

cues. If he sees you in panties, he doesn’t stop there. He mentally takes one cue and tunes in to other sexual cues almost

reflexively in his fantasy life.

It is fun for men and women to help expand each other’s mental imagery and use of fantasy. While the husband is tuning in

to her bikini bottom and hidden genitals, the wife is noticing his gentle strength, feeling the soft breeze, and dreaming of making

love in a secluded spot on the beach.

Men, in general, have to work harder to discipline their thought life and tune out some of the sexual cues in the environment.

They can more easily depersonalize sex as they tune in to erogenous zones more quickly than their wives do. That can lead to

objectifying a woman, seeing her as a sexual object rather than as a total person. But there is a positive side to this trait.

Focusing visually on sexuality can also be exciting as your husband appreciates and affirms your femininity. His excitement

and arousal can be contagious. You may find yourself tuning in to sexual cues more readily and learning from his openness to

sexuality.

Great sex is built on going from general arousal to stimulating specific locations. You naturally tend to enjoy the general and

teasing arousal, while he more enjoys the excitement of specific locations. It is fun to combine these different styles. You will

find that a part of you enjoys a focus on erotic zones, and he can appreciate a more general, sensual approach. Each of you may

find similarities you didn’t know existed.

I Q ANDMMEDIATE UICKER

Your husband has a tendency toward a more immediate sexual arousal and gratification with his visual specificity, genital

focus, and mental imagery. You may enjoy an occasional spontaneous, quick encounter but not as much as he does. In the sexual

cycle, you will take longer to reach an orgasm. He will climax more rapidly. This difference in quickness will require some

accommodation.

Wives may sometimes wonder if their husbands have remained sexual adolescents (even though it adds zest to their

lovemaking). He thinks about sex a lot; he tends to forget consequences and jump into pleasure, whether it means being late to a

party or messing up her lipstick; he touches and grabs at what he likes; he loves the excitement of the moment, even if brief, and

then savors these incidents to talk and think about later. He often has a short attention span sexually and will skip to something

that seems to offer more fun. These qualities in your mate can be endearing, even though sometimes they drive you crazy.

PREDICTABLE

What turns you on physically today might vary tomorrow. Sometimes you want direct clitoral stimulation, and sometimes

you do not. But your husband is very predictable. If you appeal to him visually or rub his penis, he gets excited.

In some ways it can be fun that your husband is an easy read. When you take risks and initiate something silly or different, it

will seldom flop. Try to remember to include visual stimuli, some immediate gratification, and friction on specific locations. You

have a lot of power in a fun way sexually because he responds so predictably.

T Y OURNING OURSELF N

Rosenau, D. E. (2002). A celebration of sex for newlyweds. Thomas Nelson Incorporated. Created from liberty on 2025-11-16 04:47:33.

Every wife should be able to tune in to and enjoy the wonderful gift God has given her of femininity and a capacity for

sexual pleasure. You may be wondering, in a chapter devoted to turning your husband on, why a whole section is now being

devoted to turning yourself on. The answer is twofold: (1) Your husband is sexually excited by the sounds and sights of you

tuning in to your own sexual pleasure and intensely enjoying the whole process. You want to turn him on and be a great lover?

Learn to be intensely turned on yourself! (2) You face more hurdles in getting turned on and it helps to be self-aware as you

appropriate God’s unique gift of your feminine sexiness.

P PERMISSION FOR LEASURE

God has given us a sexual celebration in marriage. The sad fact is that in Christianity, sex has often been feared and not

talked about. Part of the distortion and confusion is created because of the silence as well as negative messages. Anyone becomes

suspicious about a topic that is constantly avoided. You may have to erase mental tapes going around in your head from Mom or

Dad, the church, and society to truly enjoy sex and let it be a celebration.

Women often struggle with relaxing control and abandoning themselves to pleasure. Some of this may be due to unfortunate

double standards. The brunt of maintaining sexual control in dating relationships is placed on girls. God, in His sexual economy,

makes both sexes responsible for healthy boundaries. The unhappy truth is that so often boys try to score, and girls slap hands

and try to keep from getting taken advantage of, hurt, or pregnant. Wives can have a difficult time relaxing control and giving

themselves permission to enjoy sexual pleasure, even in a committed and loving marital relationship.

Women also have a natural modesty that needs to be honored. They usually don’t prance around naked in the locker room as

men do. This is not immaturity and an inability to be “naked and unashamed” but a God-given tendency to treat bodies and

sexuality with care and respect. In marriage, there is room to keep this innate modesty but also to open up to the pleasures of

romping and squealing and tuning in to your child ego state, which is where great sex occurs.

T CUNING IN TO UES

God gave each wife responsibility for her own body and for learning to experience sexual pleasure. Perhaps you are

disappointed that lovemaking hasn’t fallen into place as easily as you expected it to or you are not more easily orgasmic. Don’t

be too hard on yourself. You won’t think of sex as often as your husband does, and your sexual desire will be expressed

differently. You usually will have to take more time to become orgasmic, but this can be good as the sexual process is slowed

down and enjoyed.

Do take control of your sexuality and tune in to cues more readily, for your own pleasure and your husband’s. Here are some

conscious choices that you can make (and women are much more likely to make conscious sexual choices than men) to focus in

on sexual cues and keep lovemaking on the front burner of your marriage:

• Budget in and spend a certain amount of money each month on your sex life.

• Keep a mental note, and regardless of fatigue or low interest, initiate sexual activity at least once a week. You won’t

remember and may have to write it on the calendar.

• Have fun with your husband’s visual arousal, and flaunt your nude body at unusual times just to enjoy his reactions.

• Take a bubble bath and indulge in other sensual delights at the end of a tiring day—it is a great aphrodisiac and tunes you

in to your body.

• Practice Kegel exercises.

K EEGEL XERCISES

Rosenau, D. E. (2002). A celebration of sex for newlyweds. Thomas Nelson Incorporated. Created from liberty on 2025-11-16 04:47:33.

These popular exercises are named after Dr. Arnold Kegel, who developed them in the fifties to help women with urinary

incontinence. The exercises involve the pubococcygeal (PC) muscle, which connects from the pubic bone in front to the coccyx,

or end of the tailbone, in back. It is one of the muscles that contracts during orgasm, increases genital awareness, and can tighten

the vaginal opening. To locate this muscle, you can practice stopping the flow of urine; it can quite easily, in this fashion, be

distinguished from the buttock muscles. You may feel it by inserting a finger into your vagina and trying to squeeze down on the

finger.

Here are three different types of exercises that you can practice to strengthen your PC muscle. They are easy to practice while

in the car, while on the telephone, or while watching television. Greater PC muscle control can increase sexual stimulation

during intercourse and also help your husband’s arousal.

1. Get familiar with your PC muscle as you contract and immediately relax it. Do this rapidly five times as you inhale and

then exhale. Repeat five times.

2. Tighten the PC muscle for a three-second count (1001, 1002, 1003) as you inhale and then exhale and relax. Repeat ten

times and then rest. Try to practice several times a day as the muscle becomes stronger.

3. Pretend your husband’s penis is at the mouth of your vagina and you are trying to suck it into your vagina by pulling with

your PC muscle. Pull for three seconds then relax. Repeat ten times and then rest.

C UELEBRATING NIQUENESS

Sex therapist Debra Taylor coauthored an eye-opening book called which polled two thousand ChristianSecrets of Eve,

women. In describing what women like most about sex, physical release was fourth behind physical closeness, emotional

connection, and time together. . Frequently, a woman does not have aWe often have defined sexual desire through male eyes

desire problem, but she has a fatigue problem. Or, the “problem” is simply that women do not think about sex as often as men

do. Learn about yourself and celebrate that unique brand of sexual interacting that you bring to this one-flesh relationship.

A DSSERTIVE EMANDS

You, as a woman, may enjoy a slower pace than your husband and may need different types of touching. A basic part of

turning yourself on is to assertively express your needs. Sometimes you may want to cuddle and be held tight and have it lead

nowhere. You may not like to always be the one to go first in having an orgasm. Now and again you may enjoy the intensity of a

type of thrusting in a particular position of intercourse. Become very direct in your requests, especially in the excitement of the

moment as you become a comfortable coach regarding your own needs.

The more demanding you become about your sexual needs, the more you may turn on your husband or allow yourself to

experience more pleasure. Both of you can gain skills in sexual self-awareness and assertive communication. In creating a

balance that works, husbands and wives have to acknowledge and accept that their desires as to type and timing of sexual activity

will not always match. Sometimes you need to say no, and at other times you will not desire to engage heavily yourself but

choose to meet his sexual needs. If you stay assertive, you will keep from engaging in “duty/pity” sex, which is not fun for either

partner.

P PASSIONATE OWER

You have tremendous power to arouse your husband. He desires and needs you. (A crucial note: Sometimes you won’t be

able to turn him on. Don’t assume he’s gay, having an affair, or you’re not attractive. Be a detective and explore what is going on

in his life. Persist through to healing and changes, even if it takes professional help.) You may be reluctant to use your feminine

Rosenau, D. E. (2002). A celebration of sex for newlyweds. Thomas Nelson Incorporated. Created from liberty on 2025-11-16 04:47:33.

power, not wanting it to degenerate into destructive manipulation. But healthy and skillful sexual influencing results in a win-win

situation, not the win-lose or lose-lose interaction of harmful sexual games.

Correctly using passionate power is meeting him at the door in see-through lingerie so you can manipulate a designernot

dress out of him when you honestly cannot afford one. Healthy sexual power is not cutting off sex so he will straighten up and

make needed changes. Instead, it is actively seducing your husband by playing on his visual nature so he grins all day and you

delight in your femininity—or flirting and teasing in ways that increase the playfulness and fun in your sexual companionship.

O VPENLY ISUAL

Trying to be more openly visual to turn on your husband will be at first like writing with your left hand when you are right-

handed. It will have to be a conscious act of will. Remember, men are aroused by seeing the female form, and the more obvious

sexual parts (e.g., breasts, genitals, hips) are most powerful. Views and actions that would do nothing for you will have amazing

results on your mate.

Play on his attraction to your femininity. Go upstairs in front of him and put an exaggerated swish in your hip action,

knowing he is noticing and getting excited. Alone with him in his office or at home, assume a less modest sitting position—

flashing him images of things to come. In lovemaking, remember to increase his visual excitement. Certain positions that are

more visually stimulating, such as when you are on top, encourage his exploration and enjoyment of your genitals.

IMMEDIATE

Your husband wants to quickly touch what he visually enjoys. Work out some appropriate compromises in which you satisfy

his need for immediate gratification, but keep balance in your sex life for both your sakes. Enjoy quickies, but also teach him to

postpone pleasure and not leap right to intercourse for at least five minutes. Let him nibble, but help him understand you still

need to get to church in forty-five minutes. Your openness to the immediate and quick will help him back off and go more

slowly.

T SEASINGLY EDUCTIVE

Isn’t it fascinating that in adolescence we are taught not to tease? Now I am telling you that teasing is a basic concept for

great sex. In marriage, teasing is seductive, exhilarating, and intimate. Remember to honor your own personality and femininity

as you create your own brand of seductiveness. You may never sing and dance and wear garter belts, but it is amazing how even

the introvert can learn to be playful and erotic.

Tantalize him by telling him in the car on the way to dinner what you hope to do later on that night with him. The sexual

tension will build during the course of the evening. While making love, your teasing comments will be met by increased arousal

and excited orgasms.

T E LHE XPERT OVER

Consider the following suggestion for activities that can enhance your lovemaking. Enjoy your one-flesh companionship.

Men, though predictable, are not always easy to live with sexually. They are wired in some seemingly crazy ways, but you can

enjoy your sexual power with your husband.

F Y H ’ BOCUSING ON OUR USBAND S ODY

Rosenau, D. E. (2002). A celebration of sex for newlyweds. Thomas Nelson Incorporated. Created from liberty on 2025-11-16 04:47:33.

Because men are usually more easily stimulated physically and visually, couples neglect to focus attention and energy on the

husband’s body. Your husband may feel uncomfortable at first, but throughout the loveplay, keep your hands on him. It should

not be a focus on his genital area. Hold and caress and stroke his body. You will probably find he ejaculates less quickly as you

touch and hold more.

Don’t let your husband get away with focusing only on your body! Sensually massage, and help him learn to enjoy back rubs

and facials. Practice two-minute embraces. Don’t neglect caressing during intercourse. Holding his testicles gently or massaging

the prostate or reaching down and placing your index and middle finger like scissors at the mouth of your vagina to grasp his

penis going in and out can all bring extra delight. Assertively insist on nurturing him physically. Like so many things in life, as

he tries it, he will like it.

S SPECIAL TIMULATION

Making love to your husband’s penis is crucial to turning him on. The penis is a part of your husband’s anatomy that he is

proud and protective of, but it is not fragile. Intimacy is his entrusting you with this very personal part of himself. Rapid and firm

strokes are usually more stimulating. Develop a rhythm and pressure that he enjoys.

Orally stimulating the penis is very exciting for most men. In oral sex, probably your mouth and lips are not strong enough to

give sufficient stimulation for building toward an orgasm. The fun is more in the teasing and the intimacy of his entrusting his

penis to your mouth rather than just creating orgasms. Manually stroking the shaft while focusing on the head of the penis with

your mouth can bring real enjoyment. Greater sensation exists in the head of the penis. Shield your teeth with your lips pulled

over them as you orally stimulate with tongue, lips, and mouth. If you don’t want him to climax in your mouth, he has control—

just tell him.

In intercourse, practice your Kegel exercises with your mate’s penis in your vagina. That can be arousing for both of you.

Allow him to feel your PC muscle enclose and tighten on his penis. Have him do this with just the head of the penis as he gently

thrusts into the mouth of your vagina and you tighten the PC muscle. Play and experiment—sex is fun.

S FEXUAL LOODING

Many husbands dream about being ravished by so much sex they couldn’t stand more. At a time when you are feeling

relaxed and rested—it may have to be on vacation—tell your mate that he is free to initiate sex whenever he desires and that you

will be disappointed if it is not very frequent. Quickies will be fine as well as long, drawn-out lovemaking.

Help him out by planning some sexual sessions that appeal to his specific visual orientation. Place him on the bed, or

wherever, and let him get aroused with some anticipation as you get your props (lingerie, music, etc.) ready. Then overwhelm

him with sexy apparel, sexy movements, and sexy sights of your body clothed and nude. Plan exciting surprises of your own

during this time. Create a flood of sexual activity.

P POWER OSITIONS

Be sure to read the chapter on creative positions for intercourse. While enjoying intercourse, remember your husband’s

penchant for looking and touching. Learn to flaunt your body as you exercise your power to turn him on. Encourage him to

caress and explore. It is an intensely sensuous experience for him to run his penis or a finger over your clitoris, gently down to

your vagina, and slowly into it—the warmth and moistness and unique femininity are very arousing. You have tremendous

power with your femininity—exercise it during intercourse. Most women, as they get comfortable with their capacity to be

seductive, find themselves aroused by this ability.

Rosenau, D. E. (2002). A celebration of sex for newlyweds. Thomas Nelson Incorporated. Created from liberty on 2025-11-16 04:47:33.

May you have courage, spontaneity, zest, love, and a whole lot of fun as you turn your man on. The rewards of learning new

skills are great. Take a walk on the male side of life. You will find yourself enjoying your sexuality a lot more and your

relationship reaching new depths.

TIME OUT . . .

With a female friend, discuss the messages you have incorporated into your sex life and where they came from. Look at your

father and mother’s attitudes on sex, your childhood, your high school years and your first sexual experiences, any traumas, and

your marriage. Which attitude(s) will you choose to alter? Discuss with her the concept of female power, how your desire is real

but different from your husband’s, and the difference between nurturing sex and duty sex.

Rosenau, D. E. (2002). A celebration of sex for newlyweds. Thomas Nelson Incorporated. Created from liberty on 2025-11-16 04:47:33.