Mate Selection and Sex-M5

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M L Y WAKING OVE TO OUR IFE

en desperately want to be competent at all they do. Making love can seem a real setup because your wife will often be a

deep mystery to you. Women are so beautifully complex. You think you know a lot and you’re trying to be a great lover, but

then you hit another bump in the road. Let’s try to understand some of this mystery so that making love to your wife can become

more exciting and less frustrating for both of you.

U FNIQUELY EMALE

Begin this journey by trying to walk in your wife’s moccasins as you grow in understanding and skills. There is a uniqueness

to her that is helpful to know.

W C S MARMLY ONNECTED OUL ATES

In the wise, biblical way of “becoming one flesh,” women can’t divorce sex as easily from the relational and emotional

aspects as men can. A woman wants to feel cared about and emotionally connected before sexual activity can have appeal. For

her, fun sex flows out of an intimate companionship that is emotionally close with plenty of physical affection and quality time

together. . IntimateConveying this attitude and these feelings is not something you can do quickly in the hour before you want sex

connecting involves daily and hourly choices. Pay attention to her: give her two compliments every day, tell her things you

notice and appreciate about her, come out of your cave and talk more.

Your tenderness and attentiveness may be more erotic to your wife than great techniques. Doing the dishes, calling her

during the day, or tenderly listening can be a sexual turn-on—if she knows you are doing this from the heart and not for the

purpose of getting sex. Time spent in loveplay draws her closer than time spent producing orgasms. The different paths to the

souls of men and women could be charted as follows:

MEN: Physical activity → connects the soul → leads to emotional closeness.

WOMEN: Emotional closeness → connects the soul → opens the door to physical activity.

V RIVE LA OMANCE

People are not born romantic. Romance is a combination of skills and attitudes that are learned. What is this romance that

women yearn for and need to have included in their sex lives and relationships? The words describe the“special sweetheart”

attitude your wife desires from you. Your passionate focus on her as if she is the only woman in the world makes her feel special.

Women are certainly on target in demanding romance as a necessary component of making love. Great sexVive la romance!

does indeed originate from your imaginative creativity and those mushy cards, erotic candlelit bedrooms, sexy dates, and holding

hands.

C IONSISTENTLY NCONSISTENT

You may wonder why your wife is physically inconsistent. On one evening she may like oral arousal or enjoy her breasts and

nipples being caressed, and at another time she may not want that particular stimulation at all. Her body and reactions do not stay

Rosenau, D. E. (2002). A celebration of sex for newlyweds. Thomas Nelson Incorporated. Created from liberty on 2025-11-16 04:45:36.

consistent, and you get confused. The fact is, she does change in what is arousing to her. Sometimes her clitoris is more sensitive

than at other times, and a particular stroke is more irritating than exciting. A firm, rapid stroke might feel good later on in a

lovemaking session but is annoying for her initially. Your penis is very consistent, and most times it responds to firm

stimulation. But your wife’s body does not function in this way.

Develop a series of strategies for making love. Become adept at smoothly switching gears, from strategy A to strategy B to

strategy E, depending on where your wife is in a given lovemaking session. Encourage her to say what she wants. Sometimes she

may just want to nurture you, and you may climax as quickly as you want to. At other times she may desire gentle massage of

nonerogenous zones or her breasts. Expect inconsistency and revel in your fast footwork and improvisational skills. Become a

skilled lover as you vary approaches and rhythms and types of stimulation. She will love your spontaneous variety.

Your wife may not have the same consistent type of desire that you do. This may be hormonal, and you can enjoy certain

times in her menstrual cycle. The inconsistency may also be relational and environmental, and you can help make changes to

alleviate stress and create romance. Your desires are just different in what you find stimulating and arousing—in what turns you

on and turns you off. Talk about it and negotiate.

V DULNERABLE TO ISTRACTION

Husbands can falsely assume that their wives don’t like sex as much as they do. They don’t understand that their wives are

more easily distracted by their environment and their inner attitudes and feelings. When she is fatigued, struggling with body

image, feeling hurt, or in the bedroom next to her mom’s, she may be unable to focus on sex and her desire to make love will be

on the back burner.

Your wife, more than you, may have to fight distractions during actual lovemaking as she focuses on her own arousal. The

wise husband minimizes distractions (e.g., the bedroom is picked up, phone calls have been made) and helps his wife begin to

make love (romantic suggestion when leaving for work, sexy kissing in living room when he comes home) even before they are

in the bedroom. Be sensitive to her concerns. You are less susceptible to distractions and often want to make love without the

mood having to be exactly right. As you are more supportive and involved, she may be in the mood more often. Your wife will

find making love more appealing and restorative as the distractions are acknowledged and controlled.

M L E C W -U TAKING OVE AN MOTIONAL HOICE WITH A ARM P IME

Your wife is more likely to make a cognitive decision when she wants to make love and appreciates having the opportunity

to create the right mental and emotional attitude. It isn’t the more immediate, hormonal surge that it can be with you. Wives love

surprises and being spontaneous, but they are usually not crazy about quickies or jumping into bed the minute the vacation

destination is reached. Sex is more purposeful, romantic, and intimate with a woman. She will not think of sex as often as you do

and this is not lack of desire. with her emotional decision (sometimes this decision is madeYou can learn a lot from each other

when you initiate) to nurture and be with you, and your impulsive readiness to jump right in.

Your wife has to want sex and choose to make love in ways that are consistent with how she is feeling, with emotional and

affectional attachment. The timing must be appropriate with plenty of loveplay as her body and emotions are “primed” and she is

allowed to choose to respond in her own passionate way. Women often take fifteen to twenty minutes to reach an orgasm. This is

partly physical and partly because she needs time to overcome distractions as she mentally and emotionally allows arousal. You

were ready when she took her shirt off, but she will take more time. When lovemaking occurs and she is willingly involved, she

can respond with receptive desire and a passionate enjoyment that will surprise you.

G T S —T VENTLE AND EASING AND LOW HEN IGOROUS

Rosenau, D. E. (2002). A celebration of sex for newlyweds. Thomas Nelson Incorporated. Created from liberty on 2025-11-16 04:45:36.

Wives often complain that their husbands are too direct, speedy, or entirely too predictable. Men often have a real skill deficit

in the art of touching softly, approaching gently, and keeping a teasing variety in lovemaking. There can be too much pawing and

grabbing and going for the goodies.

Especially in initial loveplay, women often prefer gentle, teasing caresses, and may like intercourse to start off with easy,

shallow thrusts. She may like to flirt and start making love with clothes still on. She may love it when you tease her body and

softly blow in her ear, kiss her neck, and do not immediately head for her breasts or genitals. The pleasure will gradually grow

and will be exciting when you take the time to playfully torment her by coming on then backing off.

Slow is the operative word in fantastic sex. Teasing arousal by its very nature takes time, but a gradual, unhurried, leisurely

pace will be greatly appreciated by your mate. Often she will take longer to reach arousal, and this will allow her that time to

enter into the lovemaking fully.

As you follow her lead, your wife depends on you to create the rhythm of your lovemaking. She will not always want it slow

and soft. As she becomes aroused the pace can get vigorous and fast. Then you can think of what feels good to you and duplicate

it with her. She will want stronger stimulation of the clitoral area and intercourse can be a wilder experience. Genital pleasuring

can become the focus and orgasm is now more the intent.

M OULTIPLE RGASMS

Women are multi-orgasmic; men are not. A woman can have a series of orgasms, one right after the other. Men have a

recuperative time between orgasms that can increase from minutes to hours with age. Some wives may experience two or more

separate orgasms in a couple of minutes with a short pause or rest between each.

But don’t get hung up on numbers or multiple orgasms! Help your wife enjoy her orgasmic potential, but let go of any need

to create more or deeper climaxes. She won’t be keeping score as long as you are growing in your lovemaking skills. The

intensity and number of orgasms will follow and will vary from session to session of lovemaking.

E S SROTIC YMBOLISM AND ENSUALITY

What do women find sexy in men? Gentle or sexy or attentive looks are turn-ons. Stomachs and buttocks that are kept in

shape are often on the list, along with grooming in general. Talking and being vulnerable are important; the ability to express

feelings is very attractive and arouses erotic feelings. Minds are often considered sexy, and men are pleasing who can be

passionate about life or a cause. Wives are excited by their husbands’ ability to take charge but not be controlling. They want a

skilled lover who can take them into passion assertively.

Your wife may enjoy smells and sounds and touch in ways you never thought to appreciate. Silk or satin negligees, warm

lotion, fragrant flowers, or rollicking jazz enhance the experience. Making love can become more interesting and arousing as you

learn from her sensual temperament and incorporate a wider range of erotically stimulating symbols. Don’t get hung up on what

you think is sexy and sensual, but instead learn from her. Peach-colored satin draped sexily over a breast may be more sensuous

than the black-lace cutout you had in mind.

F M OOR EN NLY

Men can shoot themselves in the foot on their way to becoming the world’s greatest lover. In this section, we will consider

how easy it is for men to miss the mark and sacrifice quality sexual bonding. We need to truly love our wives with passion,

wisdom, and depth.

Rosenau, D. E. (2002). A celebration of sex for newlyweds. Thomas Nelson Incorporated. Created from liberty on 2025-11-16 04:45:36.

3-D WOMEN

Men have a difficult time letting women be three-dimensional, with body, soul, and spirit. The preoccupation with the body

aspect of sex actually puts a damper on the true fun God intended. Husbands who learn to notice and make love to the total

person create an awesome passion with a deeper sexual connecting. Practice 3-D sex and quit being one-dimensional.

Body. Observe her eyes, which are the windows to the soul—is she happy, sad, tired, excited? Look at less common but very

feminine body parts like earlobes, hands, mouth, and posture.

Soul. Be aware of emotions—what is her style of enjoying life and people? Observe her mind and heart—know that she

needs attention and affirmation, not lust.

Spirit. Know she wants someone special in her life to adore and cherish. Think of her need for intimate connecting. Has she

allowed God to meet her deep inner desires too?

M MALE YTHOLOGY

Probably the most prevalent male myth concerns the size of the penis. Do some self-talk and get over any feeling of

inferiority. It’s not the size that counts but how you enjoy sensuality and use it. Remember the old saying: “It’s not the size of the

boat, but the motion of the ocean.”

Along with the size-of-penis myth is the idea that a woman is turned on by hard, deep thrusting in intercourse. Your wife will

enjoy and be more turned on by softer, smoother, and at times more rapid, motions in intercourse as you make love to her tender

genitals. A variant of this myth is that a really sexy wife will want her husband to take her immediately and then will go into fits

of ecstasy as his penis fills her vagina.

Another devastating myth is that men know all about sex and are always ready to go sexually. We have our knowledge and

desire deficits just like women, but we often feel guilty admitting them. All of us, as lovers, feel very deficient and inhibited at

times as well as just plain worn out.

Start letting go of your myths. Your wife is probably quite average in desire, and you don’t have to be a sexual machine. Don’

t assume that problems are all hers or yours. Look at ways that you both might be contributing to a lack of sexual frequency and

other concerns you have in your lovemaking.

M SACHO ENSITIVITY

Your wife will be able to blossom as a woman and as a lover as you are able to sensitively understand and affirm her. You

may need to start with affirming yourself and your body image and sexual self-esteem. Accept the size of your penis, trust your

ability to acquire whatever skills you need to be an adept lover, and exercise your romantic creativity. Here are some ideas to

practice that can help you be a sensitive, focused lover:

Get a Ph.D in “My Wife.” Listen to her, observe her, increase your attention span, ask questions, try different things as you

collect data, and be willing to make changes to please her. Husbands, your wives’ femininity is precious and unique. Take the

time to read a great book called (Hart, Weber & Taylor, Word 1998) and learn more of how she is wired sexuallySecrets of Eve

and what it will take to make her truly flourish. She will get turned on that you care enough to read a book about her. Unloading

the dishwasher, or thoughtfully doing things to show her you care, will turn her on. Remember, it is not how hard you try but

how smart you try. As much as you wish it, she will not respond like you, and you are going to have to learn some new skills.

Gain a working knowledge of feelings. It is especially important sexually that you learn to empathize and express excitement,

dissatisfaction, gentleness, joy and happiness, contentment, discomfort, and pleasure.

Rosenau, D. E. (2002). A celebration of sex for newlyweds. Thomas Nelson Incorporated. Created from liberty on 2025-11-16 04:45:36.

Cultivate softness, humility, gentleness, and love. Learn to have a light touch and a soft, empathetic approach. Practice gentle

responses and the strategy of going slow. Cultivate this feminine side of your masculine personality. It is a vital part of being a

sensitive and adept lover—your wife will melt.

Forget your obsessions. You may have some fantasies you find sexy that she never will. She may never want to make love

on an elevator or have oral sex on an airplane. You may also become obsessed with some part of her body that you wish were

sexier. Do not and I repeat, do not, tell her this. Confess it to a buddy so he can tell you to grow up. Let go of your obsessions so

you can enjoy the fullness of a great sex life and not shoot yourself in the foot.

P LASSIONATE EADER

Most wives want husbands who are strong and confident and can provide unasked-for nurturing. They would like men who

are not always predictable but have spontaneous energy and mystery. Wives at times want to be “taken”—not in a demanding or

abusive way but out of a passionate desire for their femininity from a self-confident husband. They want to be swept off their

feet and romantically enjoyed in wild and wonderful ways.

They also desire men who have sexual expertise but are able to implement suggestions without pouting and shutting down.

They love men who are secure enough to appreciate and follow their lead at times too. Don’t be predictable. Surprises bring a

jolt of energy to the relationship as you increase your image of being mysterious, romantic, and passionate. She may think she

has you figured out, but keep her off balance with impromptu romantic flourishes: come home early, massage her whole body

with coconut butter, compliment her three times in one day. Mystery, variety, and strength are very sexy to your wife. Keep

humble and secure and nondefensive as you evolve into a passionate leader.

T E LHE XPERT OVER

I am amazed at the number of wives in counseling who want their husbands to learn to kiss or include kissing more in their

repertoire of lovemaking techniques. Guys, creative kissing can make your wife feel tremendously in love and alive.

T A KHE RT OF ISSING

Women enjoy variety in kissing, and the mouth can be extremely sensuous.

Butterfly kisses. Lightly kiss all over her face and body, keeping lips soft and gentle.

Gently sucking. Try this on your wife’s nipple, her fingers or toes, her neck, or her lower lip.

Warm, connecting kisses. Plant a warm, juicy kiss on your wife’s cheek or forehead as you walk by. It lets her know you

enjoy her companionship and not just the sexual relationship.

Deep kissing. There is something passionate and intimate about sharing mouths and tongues. Don’t fill her mouth with your

tongue or shove it down her throat. Long, exciting kisses where you have to come up for breath should vary between playful

tongue contact (don’t immediately go beyond her teeth), warm and easy nibbling of her lower lip or earlobe, and deep,

passionate sharing of tongues and souls. Breathe heavy and allow yourself to become aroused as you make kissing a drawn-out

affair.

M L H B BAKING OVE TO ER REASTS AND ODY

Breasts and nipples are very symbolic of femininity. They are erotically charged and an important part of the sexual anatomy

to both you and your wife. Compliment, appreciate, admire, and enjoy them—don’t grab, squeeze, or instantly rub.

Rosenau, D. E. (2002). A celebration of sex for newlyweds. Thomas Nelson Incorporated. Created from liberty on 2025-11-16 04:45:36.

Making love to your wife’s breasts, like all of making love, should teasingly progress from light touches to more direct

stimulation. Move in light, circular touches around the nipples or navel. Don’t stop in one spot at first, but keep moving all over

her body, briefly lingering on the more erogenous areas. This will progress to more direct and vigorous stimulation.

P IRIVATE NTIMACY

Part of the beauty and bonding nature of making love is choosing to allow another person, your special mate, into the most

private areas of your life and body. Your wife allows you, her husband, to explore and enjoy her vulva, vagina, and clitoris in

ways she has probably never even done herself. You need an intimate understanding of her body, especially her clitoris.

The clitoris is the central organ for stimulating sexual arousal in your mate. Expecting your wife to have an orgasm through

vaginal stimulation alone (without carefully stimulating the clitoral area) is like her expecting you to climax by rubbing your

testicles (without stimulating your penis). The clitoris is another part of the female anatomy that will need an indirect approach.

Don’t head for it immediately.

There are three positions of intercourse that your wife will find especially exciting because they enable you to provide direct

manual stimulation to her clitoris: (1) the scissors position: you can take your erect penis and use it as a wand to stimulate her

clitoris or you can use your fingers; (2) the husband in back in the spoon position: use your hand to caress buttocks, breasts, and

tummy as well as inner thighs and clitoris; and (3) the wife-on-top position: leaves your thumb positioned to stimulate the clitoral

area—women enjoy this position as they feel more in charge of their arousal and get great stimulation. (For details, see Chapter 5

God has given you a precious gift in creating for you your own special woman and putting you into a one-flesh

companionship with her. Together you two can enjoy excitement and intimacy! Maximize His gift as you courageously and

wisely become a skilled and passionate leader and lover.

TIME OUT . . .

Men, pick out two ways you want to become a passionate leader for your wife. Really surprise her and discuss this with her

so you can get her input and desires. We sometimes have difficulty setting our wives’ needs as our priorities and truly following

through—make sure you don’t drop the ball with this one as you practice these leadership skills.

Rosenau, D. E. (2002). A celebration of sex for newlyweds. Thomas Nelson Incorporated. Created from liberty on 2025-11-16 04:45:36.