Mate Selection and Sex-M5

Read-A_Celebration_of_Sex_for_Newlyweds_----_Chapt7.pdf

Home >Psychology homework help >Mate Selection and Sex-M5

S CEXUAL OMMUNICATION

o you want to fall deeper in love and create a truly passionate marriage? Effective communication is at the heart of this

process. Becoming more passionate means letting down your walls as you create the safety and trust to really talk about sex and

become lovers. Strive for a “naked and unashamed” ability to let each other into your most private places. I am amazed by how

many partners in solid marriages are not able to discuss sexual concerns or desires—forfeiting this deeper level of connection

and passion.

The following questions illustrate the courage and openness needed to engage in sexual conversations: Who will initiate sex

the most? What would be your ideal sexual experience? Will you want sex during your period? What does oral sex mean to you?

Will you be willing to experiment with new behaviors such as positions of intercourse? Risk the tough issues. Open and honest

communication builds an intimate, fulfilling companionship, which is the catalyst for great sex. The more you communicate

about sex and your love life, the more passionately you will love and become that awesome lover.

E T K G C:MPATHY HE EY TO REAT OMMUNICATION

The essence of effective communication is a dialogue that ends in empathy. One partner has assertively stated his or her

reality, and the other partner has been able to walk in his or her shoes to understand and acknowledge that reality. This is what

empathy is all about—understanding. It is not agreeing. Mature communicators in this dialogue process abandon the need to win,

or . One partner talks while the other truly listens and works through to empathy.debate, convince, make a point

Assertively your personal reality.state Start with “I” statements that take responsibility without blaming (not “ turn meYou

off,” but feel my desire shut down when you grab at me”). Assertive communication is direct and respectful without being“I

aggressive or passive. Risk conflict and express your core feelings and needs (not “ a lousy lover,” but “ need you toYou’re I

remember to initiate; it makes me feel desired”).

Objectively with your partner’s reality.empathize Express understanding of your partner’s message with short empathy

summaries. Remember, empathy is not agreeing that your mate’s reality is free of distortions or accepting their feelings as

correct and true; instead, it is going beyond the surface content to acknowledge the deeper needs and feelings.

Take the questions addressed above and talk them through with one expressing their opinions and feelings while the other

partner listens and empathizes. Empathy summaries might start with: “That makes sense to me that you . . .,” or “You must feel .

. .,” “I can understand how . . .,” or “You’re needing me to . . .” (not “You shouldn’t feel that way,” but “I can understand how

you could feel embarrassed and uncomfortable having sex during your period”). Switch roles of assertively stating realities after

the partner who is conveying his or her reality agrees that the other has understood and that the empathy statements are accurate.

Empathy skills are especially crucial in resolving sexual conflicts.

Learn to manage emotionally-loaded topics in the partnership. There are skills that great communicators utilize to keep

negotiating and conflict resolution clean and productive. Sexual disagreements can stem from very different needs and

expectations.

• Stick to the topic.

• Pick your battles and develop your timing.

Rosenau, D. E. (2002). A celebration of sex for newlyweds. Thomas Nelson Incorporated. Created from liberty on 2025-11-16 04:41:42.

• Remain courteous.

• Set limits (stop when it becomes irrational or late at night).

• Reconcile the relationship (forgive, apologize, emphasize your love).

I cannot stress enough the importance of communication skills in working through sexuality in dating, on the honeymoon,

and in the years to come. Continue to improve your nonsexual communication so you are even better at your sexual

communication. Read a book (a great one is by Stanley,A Lasting Promise: A Christian Guide to Fighting for Your Marriage

Trathen, McCain & Bryan [San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, 1998]), watch a video, or listen to an audiotape together on improving

communication in your marriage. Talk about what tips and techniques you would like to try to implement in your couple

communication.

T L LHE ANGUAGE OF OVEMAKING

Sex is a difficult, private topic. Couples can often make love more easily than they can talk about it. Assertively discussing

what they need does not come easily for many people, especially in the sexual arena. Erotic communication must be developed.

V SOCABULARY AND LANG

In developing a sexual vocabulary, you may be wondering if slang is ever appropriate. Of course, slang is permissible and

fun and erotic. Your pet names for body parts and secret vocabulary shared by only the two of you contain a lot of slang and

euphemisms. As a couple you will find various words expressive and arousing. As Christians, however, we must be careful to

avoid the very negative attitudes and ideas about sex that society over the centuries has incorporated into slang. We never want

to be foolish, aggressive, or demeaning.

Learn to converse openly about making love without shame or embarrassment, and talk during sex. Expand your vocabulary,

and adapt slang that both of you enjoy for body parts and activities. I laugh in counseling sessions, and it doesn’t take much

imagination to understand when clients talk about “Big John” or “Shamu” wanting to “dive into your pool, but you fell asleep.”

Sex is your playground, and great communication means fun.

N SONVERBAL IGNALS

Build up a fun and useful repertoire of nonverbal language. Experts speculate that anywhere from 65 to 95 percent of

communication is nonverbal, so it is no wonder that great lovers master this aspect of connecting. Try not to mind-read or

assume; check out or establish some of the nonverbal signals verbally. Perhaps gentle pressure with a hand signals the desire to

shift into another position. Groans, sighs, and exclamations may signal degrees of arousal and when to proceed to another phase

of lovemaking. (Warning: Do practice a little discretion when visiting your parents.) A certain outfit or lack thereof may be a

signal of sexual availability. Nonverbal communication helps orchestrate a sex life that will grow ever more comfortable and

meaningful.

Develop nonverbal signals that indicate your desire for sexual activity. Without allowing it to completely lose its subtlety,

make sure the nonverbal vocabulary is accurate and obvious enough. It may be a passionate hug or kiss. Sometimes an amorous

look or a soft kiss on the back of the neck is all it takes.

L TOVE ALK

Rosenau, D. E. (2002). A celebration of sex for newlyweds. Thomas Nelson Incorporated. Created from liberty on 2025-11-16 04:41:42.

How much do you talk before sex? During sex? After sex? Talking really is a great way to enhance your sex life. Each of

these three areas of erotic communication—before, during, and after making love—has its unique excitement and sexual

stimulation.

1. . One couple related how their fun lovemaking was built on phone calls during the day that createdLove talk before

anticipation and arousal. Another told of their E-mails that they tried to be sure to delete. Wives often state that they do not keep

sex on the front burner as their husbands do, but that this kind of communication creates fantasies and desire. They enjoy

approaches that are teasing but do not lead to immediate sex.

Everyone loves surprises. The wife who tells her husband on the way into the party that she is not wearing panties and can’t

wait till later that evening will certainly enhance their future activity. The husband tenderly telling his wife how sexy she is

before falling asleep on a Friday night is engaging in some great pre-lovemaking communication. Unleash your creativity with

this great aphrodisiac.

2. . During sex, the idea is to relax and let the talk be free-flowing on what you are feeling and sensing.Love talk during

Sometimes you and your mate will be on a common theme, and at other times each will pursue personal images—both can be

connecting and stimulating sexually. The wife might say, “You sure are hitting the right spot inside me.” And the husband might

reply, “You feel so good, I wish I could do this all night.” Or the husband might go off on his own tangent: “I’m glad you’re

feeling excited. That dance you did to seduce me tonight was unbelievable.”

During making love, you can also tease and talk about fantasies. This talk can be very erotic as both get into creating the

mood. Tell your partner what you want and need sexually in a given session. If something pops into your mind that you two

haven’t tried in a while, bring it up and both may enter into the activity with gusto. Erotic communication has so much potential.

3. . This should be a time of talking and warm reminiscing, of talking and reaffirming your love for each other,Love talk after

of talking and appreciating how truly close you two have become. You are perhaps closest to the Garden of Eden at this time in

your intimate connection. Like Adam and Eve, during your lovemaking you have become naked without any shame.

It’s a different kind of love talk, but it’s so bonding. Don’t neglect this afterglow time of nonverbal and verbal linking. Even

a simple “You mean so much to me” takes on special significance during this vulnerable, united time. Mates especially feel

vulnerable and need this affirmation because they have both physically and emotionally opened themselves up to each other.

COACHING

A wife may think her husband is supposed to know all about sex. Or a couple may wonder why they are the only couple in

the world whose sex life has not automatically fallen into place. After all, if making love is supposed to be such a natural thing,

why are they struggling? The truth is, like marriage in general, two unique male and female persons getting together will have

differences. No matter how technically skilled they are, their sexual relationship will be a blending of two unique bodies and

varying attitudes and needs.

Coaching is all about assertively expressing your sexual needs and feelings, learning to problem-solve around difficult areas,

and helping your mate understand you. This section considers three areas of making love that will need some coaching.

I RNITIATING AND EFUSING

All successful lovers have to polish their skills in initiating and refusing. No couple is immune from some misunderstandings

in this area of sexual communication and attitudes.

Think for a moment about what is at stake that makes initiating and refusing become so symbolic and filled with

disappointments and hurt feelings. First, initiating and refusing make one vulnerable to rejection and feelings of abandonment.

Rosenau, D. E. (2002). A celebration of sex for newlyweds. Thomas Nelson Incorporated. Created from liberty on 2025-11-16 04:41:42.

Second, ineffective initiating attempts can make a person feel pushed, controlled, and treated like a sexual object. Third, much of

initiating is nonverbal and therefore open to misinterpretation. Fourth, initiating, or the lack thereof, becomes synonymous with

sexual desire and sexual appeal. Fifth, initiating or refusing sex means coordinating two unique people with different needs and

priorities on a given day or hour.

It’s understandable why this is a loaded topic that must be discussed with both partners open to coaching! Great lovers take

the time and energy to understand their mates, learn required skills, and make needed changes as they initiate and refuse

effectively.

MAXIMIZING

In your sex life there are some things your mate does that really turn you on and others that really turn you off. You have to

tell your partner what you want and what you dislike, including specific behaviors and attitudes that are appreciated or get in the

way. You want to maximize your sex life? Talk! Coach! Emphasize and practice the positive!

Here are some important guidelines for giving helpful suggestions as you coach your mate and maximize your sex life:

1. Major coaching should be done fully clothed as you dialogue about your sex life. Subjects could be poor hygiene,

inhibitions, boredom, pushiness, and/or technique deficits. Stay humble and self-confident as you listen to criticism. Allow

yourself to be in a nondefensive mode as you create skills for a lifetime partnership.

2. Minor adjusting needs comfortable nonverbal (touches and noises) and verbal language that can be done nonthreateningly.

For example, you might say, “That hurts,” “Slow down,” “You’re on my arm,” “More,” “Shift.”

3. Know thyself! Acquire wisdom! It is tough coaching if you are not sure what you need or want. Read, experiment, give

yourself permission to be uninhibitedly sexual as you become truly self-aware. Great coaches know and utilize the player’s

abilities.

4. Focus on the positive! The primary goal of coaching is to maximize strengths and bring out the best in players—not

correct what’s wrong. Great coaching employs many methods: demonstrate by doing it on yourself or guiding your mate’s hand,

talk and exchange data, buy books and use them as your assistant coaches, go to a sex therapist, and start with small changes.

ROADBLOCKS

Quite often a couple feels that they are the only ones whose sex life isn’t easy and effortless. However, many newlyweds

experience some kind of sexual difficulty. It may be a lack of desire, temporary impotence, conflict around frequency, an

inability to let go of control, problems reaching a climax, or old wounds.

All the things you have already read about sexual communication especially apply to roadblocks. You can’t sweep them

under the rug because they won’t go away. They can be embarrassing to discuss, and they are emotionally loaded.

Communication skills really count now. Choose a setting where there is plenty of time and privacy. Keep clarifying the message

as you focus and really try to understand your mate’s needs and feelings. Detach from your anger and fear as you listen and

empathize with your partner’s assertive sharing of what is happening. Truly walk in each other’s shoes.

You may need some professional help, but first read an appropriate chapter in a book and start talking. Sexual

communication has some marvelous healing capacities. A central part of most sexual difficulties is anxiety (fears, worry, guilt)

or anger (irritation, disappointment, disrespect, hostility). Talking about the difficulty and acknowledging its impact keep lovers

from being so anxious and avoiding sex.

Rosenau, D. E. (2002). A celebration of sex for newlyweds. Thomas Nelson Incorporated. Created from liberty on 2025-11-16 04:41:42.

Anger and disappointment can quickly distance lovers as hurt and disrespect grow. It is painful and tough at times, but there

is no substitute for talking through the problem. Talking defuses the tension, creates understanding and acceptance, and promotes

changes. Yes, it may take professional assistance from a sex or marital therapist, but start your own honest, open dialogue.

Husbands and wives, especially husbands, need to take responsibility to learn effective communication skills. Develop a

great sexual vocabulary, and enjoy erotic communication. Talk before, during, and after you make love as you enhance the entire

experience. God has given you a wonderful aphrodisiac in your ability to communicate!

. . .TIME OUT

1. Make love this week, and agree ahead of time that you will make noise—exaggerate and enjoy it. Keep up a running

commentary on what you are feeling and sensing. Nonverbal communication can be tremendously exciting.

2. Practice this assignment frequently: Fully clothed, sit and discuss what modifications you would like to make in your sex

life. Be specific, and explain what you wish your mate would do more and less of. Arrange a time for a lovemaking session in

which you institute and practice one mate’s suggestions and a separate time for the other’s suggestions. Be sure to use the four

ideas for maximizing your sex life.

Rosenau, D. E. (2002). A celebration of sex for newlyweds. Thomas Nelson Incorporated. Created from liberty on 2025-11-16 04:41:42.