Mate Selection and Sex-M5

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M MINIMIZING THE ESS

hen contemplating marriage and their sex life to come, most couples don’t think of “messy.” The word is defined asmess

“an untidy or unpleasant state.” It certainly does fit many aspects of sex. It is unfortunate, but many couples let the mess

seriously dampen their lovemaking. Minimizing the mess and controlling the environment are integral parts of making love. You

can learn to live comfortably with untidiness, or you can let God’s wonderful gift of sex be sabotaged. You will discover that

what you thought was gross can be minimized or may actually become a fun part of mutual lovemaking.

P SHYSICAL EXUALITY

A fundamental part of making love is that it is passionate, with physical arousal, active loveplay, and noise. One wife

complained about how “animalistic” sex seemed to her. If you are an emotional person who can go down a waterslide with your

mouth wide open screaming, the passionate part of sex won’t seem that messy. If you enjoy sports and perspiring and don’t

worry about making a face and grunting when you hit a tennis ball, you probably won’t be put off by the sheer physicalness of

making love on a summer afternoon.

But you may not like to sweat or get too involved in feelings. You may have to give yourself permission to be erotically

physical as you allow this activity to grow into being more romantic. Being wildly abandoned as you revel in your body and the

body of your mate can seem very untidy and uncontrolled. To be a great lover, you will have to be open to becoming passionate

and be adaptable to change as you learn to enjoy new and exciting experiences.

You’ll make funny noises and unsettling mistakes as you enjoy making love. At some point the husband may miscalculate

his time of ejaculation. Or his vocal excitement may render his wife nearly deaf if his mouth is too close to her ear. Or the wife

may dribble evidence of her husband’s recently spent passion when she sits astride his body. If you don’t have a sense of humor

or can’t forgive yourself and your mate, sex won’t be very much fun. Being sensual, passionate, and playful is never neat. Bodies

and their functions are never totally romantic, but they can create some marvelous sexual connection.

It won’t happen overnight, but active thrusting, sweat, semen, and vaginal secretions will become arousing stimulants of

pleasure and sexual excitement as you associate them with your mate and fun times together. You and your mate can be open to

each other’s feelings. And you both can make an effort to anticipate when the other may consider seepage of the body’s natural

fluids to be unpleasant. The love you have for each other encourages you to control various activities so that enjoyment is equal.

A box of tissues is a smart thing to keep around your bed anyway, to help you minimize the mess. Making love will slowly cease

to seem as messy or out of control as you take steps to minimize the interferences and slowly change some attitudes.

M CENSTRUAL YCLE

What is a good rule of thumb for lovemaking when the wife is in her menstrual cycle? Like other types of sexual interaction,

it depends on the sensibilities of the individual and couple. Please sort through this situation carefully. Many couples lose some

opportune times for making love by completely avoiding intercourse or other loveplay during this time. Here are some

commonsense ideas you will need to discuss together as sexual lovers and partners:

Rosenau, D. E. (2002). A celebration of sex for newlyweds. Thomas Nelson Incorporated. Created from liberty on 2025-11-16 04:26:50.

Rosenau, D. E. (2002). A celebration of sex for newlyweds. Thomas Nelson Incorporated.

1. There is nothing dirty about the menstrual flow, and there is nothing wrong with having sex during this time if a couple

wishes. Both mates may have negative attitudes they need to talk through and resolve.

2. The vagina and genitals can be tender during menstruation, and during the heavy flow, many men and women prefer not to

have intercourse. That does not negate making love—which you never want to associate solely with intercourse. There can still

be mutual pleasuring through to orgasm and fun sex play. Because of aesthetics or tenderness, you may wish to avoid the days of

heavy flow, however.

3. Though not foolproof, during and immediately after are safe times to have sex with a very low risk of pregnancy. Many

couples enjoy sex during the lighter flow at the end of the period. They may put a towel under themselves and keep tissues or a

washcloth handy for cleanup afterward. Some couples find it enjoyable to have intercourse regardless of flow and take a quick

shower after or even make love in the shower. It depends on your and your mate’s sensitivities.

If you have not taken the time to talk through this aspect of minimizing the mess, do it now. You may assume you know what

your mate thinks and feels, but your assumptions could get you in trouble and rob you of many permitted pleasures. Let the wife

tell of her growing-up experiences and how she felt about her period over her developmental years. How do each of you feel

aesthetically, and what would you feel comfortable trying sexually, during the menstrual cycle? Talk it through and come to

some mutual understandings.

B CIRTH ONTROL

The Genesis passage on being fruitful and multiplying is in the context of God’s giving humankind control of the natural

world. We are to be wise stewards of the children God places in our care. To choose to have one or two or five has to be a

thoughtful and prayerful decision.

You as a couple will have to sort through which method best fits you as you consider personal sensitivities and values,

nuisance, health, and who takes responsibility. Some of you may come from a Catholic background and will have to sort through

this whole concept. It is good for all of us to remember that God values family and procreation with the planting of seed and the

possibility of conception.

I have abbreviated this section knowing that you can get more information as needed, but what follows are the common

methods of birth control. Obviously, none of these methods will be effective . Birth control can eitherunless carefully followed

dump on your sex life or be managed gracefully.

T B CYPES OF IRTH ONTROL

Rhythm or natural method. This method is based on the fact that pregnancy occurs during ovulation when the sperm meets

the egg. If you are trying to keep from getting pregnant, you will not want to have intercourse during the time of ovulation.

Sperm live approximately two days and the female egg one day unless fertilized. Three methods are used to predict ovulation

and gauge a “safe” period of time for intercourse. The first uses the calendar and considers that ovulation occurs around fourteen

days before the onset of the menstrual flow. The second way of determining ovulation is through the woman’s charting her

temperature upon awakening. The third method involves observing the cervical mucus and learning the natural changes in its

consistency around ovulation. The rhythm method poses no health risk and does not include apparatuses to dampen spontaneity.

It does put a damper on intercourse during a significant part of the month.

Contraceptive pill. Birth control pills contain the synthetic hormone or or a combination of the two. Theestrogen progestin

pills alter the body’s hormone balance and (a) prevent the ovaries from ovulating, (b) change the consistency of the cervical

mucus, and (c) change the consistency of the fallopian tubes and the uterus. An advantage of the pill is that it does not interfere

Rosenau, D. E. (2002). A celebration of sex for newlyweds. Thomas Nelson Incorporated. Created from liberty on 2025-11-16 04:26:50.

with naturalness. A couple can make love as the mood strikes. The pill, if properly used, has a high success rate of preventing

pregnancy, although nothing is foolproof. It also can have side effects of weight gain and even dampening of sexual desire, so

keep consulting with your physician.

Condom. Condom use is a method of birth control that the husband can take responsibility for. Here are some important

instructions:

• Put the condom on before approaching the vagina, and be careful not to get seepage on the outside of the condom.

• Use a new condom for every ejaculation or act of intercourse—this prevents seepage or breakage with sperm in the condom.

• Withdraw the penis before the erection is fully lost, and above all, hold the condom as you withdraw the penis to prevent its

slipping off.

An advantage of condoms is that they are easily available and effective if properly used, perhaps in conjunction with a

spermicidal jelly. A disadvantage is that some men and women dislike the reduced sensation in the penis or the vagina. Condoms

and other methods of birth control such as a diaphragm can be incorporated into the act of lovemaking. The wife can help create

a romantic mood by unrolling the condom on her husband’s penis as part of the loveplay.

Female condom. Female condoms are not a new concept but have recently been brought back on the market. Like the male

condom, they are made of a thin, strong latex and are a sheath. The female variety has a flexible ring at each end and is inserted

into the vagina before intercourse. The rings keep it in place, and it creates a protective lining in the vagina that contains the

penis and sperm. The instructions for the male condom apply also to the female condom. Any barrier method loses some of the

spontaneity.

Diaphragm and cervical cap. A diaphragm and a cervical cap are round rubber devices with a covered metal rim. Each is

inserted into the vagina with spermicidal jelly, foam, or suppository as a barrier against the sperm swimming into the cervix and

uterus. The diaphragm is inserted into the vagina behind the pubic bone and holds the spermicide over the cervix. The cervical

cap is a smaller version of the diaphragm and covers only the cervix. A diaphragm or a cap needs to be fitted and prescribed by a

gynecologist. It’s advantage, like the sponge, is that it is easy to use and can be inserted prior to making love.

Spermicidal sponge. Available over the counter, the spermicidal sponge is dampened with water before inserting it into the

vagina. This action releases the spermicidal foam. The sponge acts as a barrier, and it has spermicide to counteract impregnation.

Like any barrier method, it is still somewhat intrusive and has to be prepared for ahead of time.

Intrauterine devices. Some IUDs have caused infections in the uterus and must be used with caution. For some women, they

are still effective when used under a physician’s care. The intrauterine device is a small coil or loop inserted into the uterus. Once

inserted, it can be left in place for a year or more. It works by causing the uterus to reject the fertilized egg. For some couples,

this might violate personal ethics. The IUD is long-term and effective and does not have the mess of the barrier methods.

Spermicidal foam, jelly, and suppository. These chemicals are inserted into the vagina and kill the sperm. Some women have

to experiment to find ones that don’t cause an allergic reaction. The spermicides can be used alone as a method of birth control,

but this is not recommended. They are much more effective if used with a condom or a diaphragm.

Note: Many failures of any method of birth control are due to the improper and careless application of that method. This is

not something you can afford to get sloppy or take chances with. Pray that God will help you to be wise, careful, and disciplined

in this area of your life. It’s a necessary part of lovemaking, and you can learn to gracefully adjust.

T LYPES OF UBRICATION

In response to thrusting and other stimulation, our bodies produce lubrication to prepare for intercourse. The fact of the

matter is that this will not always be adequate even if you are young and healthy. You may wish to stimulate sensitive tissues as

Rosenau, D. E. (2002). A celebration of sex for newlyweds. Thomas Nelson Incorporated. Created from liberty on 2025-11-16 04:26:50.

a part of arousal, or you may be taking a decongestant that is making you dry, or prolonged lovemaking may need something

extra. Every couple should have some artificial lubrication handy to use as needed as an aid to great lovemaking.

Many drugstores sell a variety of artificial lubricants in the same section as the condoms and spermicides. Vaseline is an old

standby, but because it is not water-soluble, it can be more difficult for the vagina to be self-cleansing and for cleanup in general.

K-Y Jelly is another standby that works well. Some couples complain that K-Y dries out, and they prefer a different type such as

Astroglide or Wet. These are more liquid and come in small plastic dispensers. Wet also makes its Fun Flavors lubricants that

taste good if oral stimulation is going to be enjoyed.

Many couples find natural oils from coconut to olive oil appealing for smell and consistency. They are edible and don’t

interfere with oral stimulation of the genitals. Vegetable oils (corn or safflower) work fine if you have forgotten to get something

you like better. Take some time to experiment and find out what works best for you.

M B C LINIMIZING IRTH ONTROL AND UBRICATION

A theme of this chapter is minimizing the messy or needed but nuisance parts of sex. However, even better than minimizing

the mess is taking these untidy aspects of sex and incorporating them in such a way that they enhance your lovemaking. You as

lovers can make birth control and lubrication easier and more erotic.

Keep supplies readily available and easy to put into action. Getting up from bed and going to get them, not having them

handy, or forgetting to purchase them put a damper on spontaneity. Incorporate them into your loveplay and erotic arousal.

Putting on the condom or inserting the diaphragm can be very stimulating. Lubrication can be slowly and sensuously applied.

Both of you should take responsibility for birth control and lubrication. Don’t make it the sole job of either mate. Share in the

purchase and use of whatever method you choose. Stay creative and keep a fun variety. Try different kinds of lubrication.

Sometimes don’t include intercourse so you don’t have to deal with birth control if you are using a barrier method. Keep as

spontaneous, playful, and sensuous as you can. Consider these key qualities you need in dealing with the messiness of a great sex

life:

• Sense of humor. Laughing together and not taking yourself so seriously are invaluable. Sex will be funny and full of

mishaps and playfulness.

• Flexibility. Keep out of routines and let go of a strong need to always be in control. You will enjoy yourself more in making

love if you can go with the flow and are able to adapt.

• Forgiveness. Let each other make mistakes, and let go of resentment and hurt. Allow each other to change as both work

through tough areas, and cut each other some slack as both focus on positive solutions. Forgiveness is the cleansing agent

that makes for great marriages and great sex lives.

• Effective communication. A couple must be able to assertively express needs and feelings and truly hear each other. No

topic is off-limits, and with dialogue and compromise, solutions can be reached.

• Love and trust. If you like each other and believe your mate wants you to be happy and sexually fulfilled, it is easier to

discuss and negotiate. An intimate relationship is vital in responsibly using birth control, creatively experimenting, and

flexibly communicating.

• Being disciplined. This trait may seem in direct contrast to the final point, but minimizing the mess requires both. A couple

must carefully follow the prescribed birth control’s directions. Remembering ahead to have tissues or lubricants can make a

real difference in spontaneity.

• Being uninhibited. Let yourself go as you enjoy your mate and God’s gift of sex. Being uninhibited and sensual has a way

of overcoming and transforming the muss of sex into an aphrodisiac.

Rosenau, D. E. (2002). A celebration of sex for newlyweds. Thomas Nelson Incorporated. Created from liberty on 2025-11-16 04:26:50.

You and your partner can ensure that the untidiness of sex never gets in the way of a thriving love life. Let God give you the

wisdom to find those many creative compromises and solutions.

Rosenau, D. E. (2002). A celebration of sex for newlyweds. Thomas Nelson Incorporated. Created from liberty on 2025-11-16 04:26:50.