Mate Selection and Sex-M5

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T HHE ONEYMOON

he word conjures up feelings of exciting adventures, sexual beginnings, and playful vacationing. It can live uphoneymoon

to this and more, but like a great sex life, a fantastic honeymoon doesn’t just happen. Quite often couples come into my

counseling office with problems that go back to these beginning experiences.

If you have already read the book up to this point, you probably have knowledge and skills that will help you head off many

of the common honeymoon pitfalls. This chapter can help you further in getting rid of some unrealistic expectations, do some

needed strategic planning, and be prepared for possible challenges as you pull off a memorable time of playful sex and intimate

bonding.

In writing this chapter I polled the many couples in the newlyweds class that I teach and interviewed all my friends, inquiring

what I should include in this chapter. These answers and my years of listening to stories have produced four crucial areas to

focus on: the honeymoon objectives, the wedding night, possible challenges, and honeymooning through the first two years.

H OONEYMOON BJECTIVES

One couple told me to warn honeymooners not to tour England in ten days in November. They felt they could write the

“How Not To” book. We laughed, but this is a great place to start in thinking through what are the ingredients and goals of a

great honeymoon.

Rest and relaxation. You will be exhausted after the wedding and the months leading up to it. A wise marriage mentor asked

me to encourage couples to take two weeks for their honeymoon. She knew it would be expensive but saw a huge importance in

rest and this initial time together. She thought that the two weeks should become a financial objective within the wedding plans.

This time truly helps you recuperate from the wedding, bond with each other, and prepare for the coming stressful months.

Privacy and time alone. Your marriage is new, and you are infatuated with this novel experience and with each other. You

two could feel alone and connected even in a crowd, but private time is still important. Some settings are much more conducive

to this. If you go to Disneyland, allow some fun hotel time too. Gaze deeply into your lover’s eyes, keep your hands on intimate

zones, and drink each other up—preferably not in public places.

Great sex. The first nine chapters will help with needed skills and attitudes. Relax and plan in a lot of playtime. One friend,

who was a virgin when he married, told me that on his honeymoon he wanted to do everything he had chosen not to do for the

past fifteen years. He related that it may not have been like the movies, but they took showers together, romped naked, and had

great fun making whoopee.

Take a break from sex once in a while and enjoy an exercise called One partner will be the passive receiversensate focus.

and the other will be the active giver for fifteen minutes—then exchange roles. Both partners should be nude for this experience

and increase sensuality with a pleasant lotion. If you are the active giver, touch and caress your mate in ways that bring pleasure

to you. There is no right way to do this because you are touching for your own pleasure. If your mate does not like to be touched

in certain areas, refrain out of love and respect. The passive partner will enjoy receiving pleasurable massage and pleasing you.

Rosenau, D. E. (2002). A celebration of sex for newlyweds. Thomas Nelson Incorporated. Created from liberty on 2025-11-16 04:52:23.

The passive receiver is learning what touch feels best personally and what kind of active touch you like to give. This exercise

focuses on Level Three and Level Two erogenous zones (see ). There should be no touching of the genital area andChapter 2

nipples. Do not go on to making love during these sessions.

Planned activities and recreation. You need time to rest and have sex, but recreational activity is very bonding too. Tailor

your honeymoon to each of your personalities and preferences. Most likely one of you is active and one can veg more easily.

You are starting habits and creating rituals for a lifetime. Plan in some memorable moments. You may prefer a beach resort or

Disneyland or something like a cruise where someone else has done the planning and you can choose to participate or not.

Remember to think through some of the little things that can become a nuisance, such as where you will eat.

Reasonable financial objectives. Knowing you are coming back to unreasonable debt can be a real downer. Make sure to plan

your honeymoon into the wedding budget. Two extra days may be more important than nicer flowers. You are reinforcing your

future financial habits. Don’t be a tightwad. You are recreating and making memories. At the same time be smart—a new couch

will last much longer than that sailboat ride.

Be sure to sit down together and discuss the above objectives and any others that may seem important to you. The place,

activities, and setting must fit in with your objectives and personal styles. You are trying to asplan through a memorable time

you eliminate as many and as you can.unpleasant surprises disappointed expectations

T W NHE EDDING IGHT

Let me share with you some wise advice I have gleaned over the years about the wedding night. Here is one comment that

gives perspective: “This is the first of twenty-five thousand nights. Relax, talk, and keep your sense of humor.” Take the time to

discuss each of the following ideas as you plan and sort through that first twelve hours as man and wife. Please take away the

spirit of these suggestions.

Sex therapist and friend Christopher McCluskey tells how his father advised him not to push for intercourse on the wedding

night. He encouraged them to relax, perhaps take a warm bath together, and begin the process of knowing each other as mates.

Chris relates what wise advice this was and the pressures that were removed as he followed it. Taking the opportunity to connect

emotionally and spiritually before the physical consummation created a greater feeling of safety and intimacy with each other.

A colleague, known for his organization and business skills, passionately stated, “I hope they don’t let this night just happen.

I don’t care how much they love spontaneity or how busy they are, trust me—this twenty-four hours needs planning.” He went

on to explain how their planning and discussion ahead of time really helped pave the way for a great night and the whole next

day. They were exhausted and traveled only twenty minutes from the reception to the hotel and paid for two nights, staying until

late the next afternoon. He hastened to add that he didn’t plan everything out and there was much spontaneous play and laughter,

but the planning was important.

A pastor pleaded, “Just because they have already had sex, don’t let them treat their wedding night in an ordinary way. This

is their first time of truly making love. Let them build on their new covenant as they discover exciting and deeper levels of sexual

intimacy.” Plan surprises and luxuriate in the intimacy of this honeymoon connecting time. Read through Chapters 8 and 9 again.

Go beyond your bachelor’s degree in each other. Start to work on your Ph.D. in your mate and the true art of making love. There

are levels of commitment and touching each other’s bodies and hearts that you haven’t achieved but need to incorporate into

your new love life. Make this a special time as you begin this journey as husband and wife.

A marriage and family therapist wanted to emphasize, “The first twelve hours are setting patterns for the future intimacy of

their marriage. They need to let God’s warm love and gentle wisdom permeate their relationship.” Be sensitive and empathetic to

what each of you needs. You are learning to communicate about private and core issues. Be patient, not critical. I remember the

Rosenau, D. E. (2002). A celebration of sex for newlyweds. Thomas Nelson Incorporated. Created from liberty on 2025-11-16 04:52:23.

client who spoke with pain in her voice about her husband’s chance comment on their first intercourse: “He told me that he

thought I should move more.” She was trying so hard in her inexperience, and this little criticism wounded her deeply. Gently

talk and support each other as you patiently understand and lovingly empathize.

If you are virgins, what can help that first experience be exciting? Women, it is important to get a gynecological exam before

the honeymoon. This can help to determine if the hymen or vagina is tight or identify other possible difficulties such as vaginal

scar tissue or infections. Take time to relax and begin getting comfortable with each other. One mom had the foresight to tell her

daughter, “Remember, he will want to see you naked.” With her natural female modesty, she was apprehensive but more

prepared.

A shower, kissing, and caressing with mutual genital exploration and explanation can begin the “knowing” process. One

friend told me that what helped him the most was constant communication and the ability to laugh together. Relax before

attempting intercourse and get in a comfortable position. Keep communicating and allow the wife to give permission to enter and

to guide the process. Use some lubrication and go slowly with inserting the penis. If it feels like there is no vaginal opening, she

may be tight or you may not have spread the labia open enough. The pain of breaking the hymen varies, with some women

feeling only mild discomfort. If the pain gets too intense, wait and try again later. Keep talking as you laugh and learn together.

P COSSIBLE HALLENGES

Every wedding and honeymoon has glitches and mishaps. There are things you couldn’t plan for and things you have to learn

together. How you handle these challenges can make a huge difference in your future marriage and sex life. Here are common

challenges with some suggestions.

The environment disappoints. One couple related how they went to Bermuda and drank the water. Diarrhea and vomiting

were almost too much intimacy for a beginning marriage. Another couple who planned for two weeks alone ended up with

honeymoon cystitis. Others have reported that despite planning, the wife started her period on the day of the wedding. Keep your

sense of humor and know there are many more years for sex. You are still creating fun memories. Have a wise mentor, probably

not your parents, picked out to call if things really get depressed or crazy and you need quick advice or support.

A lack of knowledge strikes. I quote from a recently married couple: “I did not realize how hard it would be to figure out the

act of making love. Every guy has heard the myth of sixteen times on the wedding night. Counter to popular opinion, sex does

not work like clockwork; it is more similar to putting a jigsaw puzzle together with several pieces missing.” Reading this book

will help, but there is no substitute for practice. Give each other permission to be naive, and courageously begin to work through

your skill deficits.

Anxiety reigns. Anxiousness can hinder erection, create premature ejaculation, lessen vaginal lubrication, and interrupt

playfulness. Awkwardness is normal, but crippling performance anxiety can be lessened with some preplanning. The husband

can be reassured that he doesn’t have to know all about sex. He may have come into the marriage feeling very incompetent.

Know that all problems can be worked through with help. Keep playing and enjoying each other as you work through the sexual

barriers to solutions.

Repression hurts. You have so carefully guarded your sexuality and set such rigid boundaries that you have repressed your

sexual feelings. Your wedding vows are not the switch that will turn these back on. Nudity and sexual activity may be scary or

even repulsive at first. God has given you the feelings, and He will help you achieve the wonderful lovemaking that you long for.

Be patient with yourself and each other as you turn your sexual rheostat from very dim to bright. This will indeed take time.

Desire disappears. A lack of sexual desire is a very complex issue and can show up on the honeymoon. You can think

through common causes like abuse or repression, but this will most likely need some professional help. Dating may have been

Rosenau, D. E. (2002). A celebration of sex for newlyweds. Thomas Nelson Incorporated. Created from liberty on 2025-11-16 04:52:23.

controlled enough to engage in passionate kissing but making love may prove to be too much. Enjoy physical affection and get

help when you get back home to sort through needed changes.

Guilt and mistakes haunt. You are not a virgin and you have herpes. Hopefully, this has been talked through before the

honeymoon. Forgiveness and acceptance can take time, and the honeymoon can trigger the guilt. Pray together for healing and

the wisdom to overcome the consequences of sin as you appropriate deeper forgiveness before and during the honeymoon.

Brokenness invades. One out of three women have had a sexually traumatizing experience by the time they are seventeen,

and the statistics on men are very similar. For some, the trauma of these experiences may begin to interfere with sexual response

on the honeymoon. If this happens, try to stay in the present moment of lovemaking. Gently but assertively stop as needed. The

unwounded mate must be patient and gain understanding. You are healing agents for each other and will work through this over

time with professional help.

Physical pain persists. You may have had a medical exam, but this will not always deter all problems. After the honeymoon

you may need a second opinion. It may also be anxiety and a need for extra lubrication or going slow. Pain obviously has a

dampening effect on sexual pleasure. Sometimes with tightness of the vagina or the breaking of the hymen, pain can diminish

over the honeymoon, but a good rule of thumb is not to play through real sexual pain. Stop as needed and get help if the pain

persists.

The husband misfires. Premature ejaculation because of excitement is common, especially in young men. Masters and

Johnson state that with active thrusting, most men climax in under two minutes. The amount of sex on the honeymoon will help

him last longer, but there are exercises to help prolong intercourse. Do some reading and get

Rosenau, D. E. (2002). A celebration of sex for newlyweds. Thomas Nelson Incorporated. Created from liberty on 2025-11-16 04:52:23.