4- Attraction, Single Sexuality, and Cohabitation

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T W ’ G LHE ORLD S REATEST OVER

fantastic lovemaking is based on being a fantastic person. Christlike traits and attitudes are what count. True sexiness and a

tremendous sex life depend not only on a great marriage but also on being a mature, sexy person.

A I M + M L = A F S LN NTIMATE ARRIAGE ATURE OVERS ULFILLING EX IFE

So you want to be the world’s greatest lover? Build into your mind and heart the following character traits possessed by all

great lovers. These guidelines, gleaned from the Bible, will lead to great sex. Their effective use will show you how to truly

arouse your mate’s desire. Success is practically guaranteed, but it will take some real prioritizing and practice to incorporate

them into your life.

PLAYFULNESS

Playfulness is perhaps best described by the words , , , , and . Playfulness isexcitement curiosity laughter eagerness spontaneity

the ability to be unpretentious and unashamed as you demand things with enthusiasm and childlikeness. In your child ego state,

your needs are important and fun and you expect pleasure.

You cannot at creating better lovemaking—you and your mate have to at it. This character trait can be practiced inwork play

other areas of your life and the lessons brought back into your sex life. Get silly; anticipate an event for a week or more; risk a

new behavior; laugh until you have tears in your eyes or roll on the floor; tickle and chase each other around the whole house;

get wide-eyed with awe and wonder about something. You are becoming a great lover.

LOVE

The Bible says you are to love your neighbor or your mate just as you love yourself. Fun sex depends on a husband and wife

who have learned to love themselves. This means you take care of your health and exercise your body to keep it in shape. You

also need to work through to accepting and enjoying the body God gave you. Self-acceptance, self-esteem, and a good body

image are healthy parts of sexiness and Christian self-love. Think of how difficult it is to sexually focus on your mate when you

are embarrassed, inhibited, or self-conscious.

Another important part of love is respecting and unconditionally accepting your mate. If you want to find and focus on flaws,

you will put a damper on your partner’s sexiness and the whole lovemaking process. You reap the benefit (or destructiveness if

you stay obsessive) of nurturing and helping your lover revel in sexual appeal. Every time you affirm some particular aspect of

masculinity or femininity that you admire and enjoy, you lovingly increase your mate’s sex appeal. Unconditional love and

acceptance and affirmation set the temperature for some fantastic sex.

This may actually need to be emphasized as a separate virtue, but a loving person is a humble, person. If you reallyforgiving

desire a fantastic love life, let go of the mistakes your mate makes and heal the disappointed expectations. Cut each other slack

and gently, graciously acknowledge that you are both just human. Learn to laugh over shortcomings and revel in the intimacy

that comes after working a problem through to an intimate forgiveness.

Rosenau, D. E. (2002). A celebration of sex for newlyweds. Thomas Nelson Incorporated. Created from liberty on 2025-11-06 14:43:38.

Rosenau, D. E. (2002). A celebration of sex for newlyweds. Thomas Nelson Incorporated.

Love creates trust so you can try new behaviors and risk appearing silly. Love produces warm excitement and fun

companionship. Love helps you to remember and desire to meet your mate’s needs. Learn to be a lover! The best sex is long-

term, and love is the oil that keeps this type of lovemaking running smoothly.

KNOWLEDGE

There are three parts of being a wise and knowledgeable lover. become a student of your mate. An integral aspect ofFirst,

true consideration is constantly trying to know and understand your partner better. Lovemaking should be knowing what your

mate enjoys and needs. This knowledge takes time, curiosity, a good memory, and the willingness to be a student. Get a Ph.D. in

your mate.

Second, be an informed and sexy lover by knowing your own body and sexual responses. You are the teacher of your mate.

Do you know what turns you on and increases your desire? It will be difficult teaching your erotic needs to your partner if you

are not aware of them. Tune in to your sexuality, and keep expanding your repertoire of sensual delights. Learn to become more

easily and strongly orgasmic.

Third, develop a technical knowledge of sexuality. Sexual technique is not the be-all and end-all of a great sexual

relationship, but its importance cannot be denied. Several chapters of this book are about technique. The couple with their act

together sexually know how to create ambience and be uninhibitedly sensual and playful. They understand various positions of

intercourse, and they have built a comfortable, exciting repertoire of sexual moves.

HONESTY

In making love, dishonesty destroys trust, allows boredom, and creates confusion and hostility. Great sex is based on mature

lovers who can be honest with themselves and their mates. They are self-aware and can .assertively communicate

Many couples find it uncomfortable to initiate sexual conversations and openly discuss individual needs and desires. The

wife may be upset because her husband gets defensive or pouts if she openly refuses sex or makes a small suggestion. The

husband may be angry because his wife turns him down after he plays the romantic rituals like taking a quick shower or rubbing

her back. These are times for great air-clearing, honest discussions, and confrontation as the couple openly express feelings and

needs.

C RREATIVE OMANCE

Sexy lovers take the time to develop the sensual, romantic parts of their minds and personalities. Mates can be surprised how

talented and creative they are in planning sexy surprises for each other. This may include gifts, foot and leg massages, verbal

demonstrativeness, mutual showers, or dinners with candlelight and soft glances. Of course, romantic lovemaking doesn’t always

involve completely new techniques and experiences. There are certain positions, ways of caressing, places, rhythms, restaurants,

moods, and vocabulary that remain enjoyable favorites.

Sexiness comes from your imaginative creativity and romantic inspirations—and the discipline (time and energy) to carry

them out. You want to be a great, sexy lover? Become a creative romantic who invests time and energy wisely.

DISCIPLINE

Discipline may seem an odd character trait to include for a lover, and the opposite of spontaneity, playfulness, and creativity.

The truth of the matter is that an undisciplined lifestyle will end up with very infrequent sex. Perhaps you think that discipline

would completely destroy the fun and spontaneity of sex and put pressure on you. But if you don’t plan sex into your busy

Rosenau, D. E. (2002). A celebration of sex for newlyweds. Thomas Nelson Incorporated. Created from liberty on 2025-11-06 14:43:38.

schedules and find those optimal times, you will never make love! The ambience, activity, place, timing, and technique are up to

your romantic creativity. Just keep a time sacredly (one definition of is: “dedicated to a special purpose”) reserved for sex.sacred

A B CIBLICAL ELEBRATION

God wants you to prosper as a lover. Immerse yourself in playfulness, love, knowledge, honesty, creative romance, and

discipline. In addition, here is some further godly wisdom that can help ensure that your celebration of sex flourishes.

Enjoy the incompatibility of gender differences. “So God created man in His own image; . . . male and female He created

them” (Gen. 1:27). It is fascinating how often in marriage counseling that gender differences come up. Ways in which the

genders vary sexually will be developed more in and . From dating days through the honeymoon and into years ofChapters 8 9

marriage, you will be continually amazed how different you are.

Men need to be made significant and their egos stroked, while women need to feel secure and special. Men tend to be more

one-track, whereas women can multitask more easily. Men have a narrower band of emotions, and wives self-disclose and

express feelings more adeptly. Women overall desire emotional connection and physical affection as a way to connect their souls

and then sex can blossom. Paying attention with phone calls and doing the vacuuming can increase female sexual desire. Men

connect their feelings and souls through sexual activity. Being a student of the opposite sex and understanding how your spouse

is similar and different from these stereotypes are crucial as you develop into a great lover.

View sex as a means to an end and never an end in itself. “Drink water from your own cistern, and running water from your

own well . . . Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice with the wife of your youth. As a loving deer and a graceful doe, let her

breasts satisfy you at all times; and always be enraptured with her love” (Prov. 5:15, 18–19). Sex should never be just a physical

rush, but a tender, passionate connection. Without the playful, loving companionship, sex becomes another buzz that loses its

perspective and has increasingly diminishing returns. Whether it is alcohol, cocaine, or sex, when we artificially try to create

highs, we need bigger and better buzzes to keep maintaining the rush. Making love is different. This intense drink of cold water

from your endlessly varied supply can be enjoyed throughout the years of your marriage and remain exciting. Why? Because sex

is a relationship, not just a physical high.

Understand that enjoying sexuality and connecting with your mate are gifts each brings to the other willingly—not by

demands or coercion. Please don’t use God’s loving guidelines as weapons on each other. First Corinthians 7:3, 5 tells about the

importance of keeping sexually united in marriage: “Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also

the wife to her husband . . . Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time . . . and come together again so that Satan

does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” Some husbands and wives club their mates with this passage and say

things like, “If you don’t have sex with me tonight, you are sinning.” The real sin is theirs because they usually have never taken

the time, lovingkindness, and energy to make changes needed to appeal to their mate romantically. Making love is about giving—

not demanding.

On the other hand, if you are not giving you may need to push yourself to discover what is wrong and overcome your

barriers. This passage does emphasize that mates should be in a place to enjoy sex as a mutual celebration.

Emphasize feelings in your lovemaking. There is no replacement for what God intended sex to do for intimate marriages. It is

the framework for expressing many powerful and exciting emotions such as joy, love, trust, and playfulness. Making love also

helps dissipate and defuse negative emotions and behaviors such as hostility, nit-picking, and defensive distancing. Above all,

learn to be passionate. Communicate feelings with your eyes and your hands and your mouth. Let the child ego state reign and

squeal with delight and silliness. Laugh lightheartedly as well as intensely groan with pleasure.

Rosenau, D. E. (2002). A celebration of sex for newlyweds. Thomas Nelson Incorporated. Created from liberty on 2025-11-06 14:43:38.

Maximize your imagination. The Bible talks much about our minds and imaginations with the potential for good or evil. Your

mind is the most important sexual organ with its ability to create erotic imagery, fantasies, and feelings. Godly fantasy is focused

on your mate and maintains a fun, playful attitude. Your mental imagery should never replace or diminish your mate. It should

enhance lovemaking as you store up great memories to replay, brainstorm on creative and arousing activities, and playfully stir

up romance.

Practice righteous selfishness. As individuals, we are responsible for developing our own sexuality and celebrating love. We

need to understand our own sexual needs and assertively fulfill them. God encourages autonomy and personal responsibility for

our lives, our bodies, and our sexuality.

Orgasms are an excellent example of healthy sexual selfishness. Your mate does not experience your orgasm. You focus on

your sexual feelings and allow them to build to a climax. This is an intensely personal pleasure within your mind and body. You

selfishly let your mind enjoy the intensity of your excitement. Your partner is aroused by your personal excitement and intense

experiencing of erotic release. This selfishness creates a mutual intimacy that is fun and bonding. Attention to self and

passionately expressing your own pleasure is indeed a great turn-on to you and your mate.

Bring God’s love and values into your marriage and lovemaking. There have been many different interpretations about what

is permissible for a Christian as you browse among the lilies and taste the choice fruits of your marital sexual garden. An

example of this would be the different views about oral sex. Though the Song of Solomon seems to imply oral sex, the Christian

community has often been skeptical of this behavior, sometimes for unworthy reasons such as viewing the genital area as “dirty”

or “too private” or that intercourse is the only natural sexual activity.

When the Bible does not directly deal with a behavior like oral sex or masturbation, we turn to other scriptural values to help

govern our sexual behaviors. In light of other injunctions, oral sex can be enjoyed as one of many ways to make love, though

some couples may choose not to engage in this expression of love. Whether oral sex, using a vibrator, or trying new positions,

we are called to be lovingly considerate and wise. Never should we do anything that violates our mate’s sensibilities or offends

our mate sexually. (Note: Mates wonder about vibrators in sex. For some women it helps them become more easily orgasmic and

for other couples can be a playful prop. The caution would be in producing sensations that the husband cannot duplicate or

allowing any prop to detract from a playful, intimate, and varied lovemaking.)

Become naked and unashamed. We as lovers are to entrust our private parts only to our mates, for indeed “my own vineyard

is mine to give” (Song 8:12 ), and we should learn to have no shame or inhibitions with the genital area. Making love is anNIV

intimate connecting and a breaking down of walls so that “my lover is mine and I am his [hers].” You are willingly naked and

vulnerable. Lovers are able to experience freedom and abandonment together based on love, trust, and commitment. It is a totally

unique companionship and so exciting to be naked and not ashamed as you celebrate marriage.

. . .TIME OUT

Play. Buy toys that you and your mate can enjoy together, such as water pistols, jump ropes, rub-on tattoos, or building

blocks.

Love. Stand nude in front of a full-length mirror. Now observe yourself and resist making any judgments. After observing a

few minutes, start with your hair and proceed down to your feet, accepting and describing every one of your body parts with no

negative judgments.

Become knowledgeable. Take a minute to do a quick personal inventory. Which areas of your sex life can benefit from

greater knowledge?

Rosenau, D. E. (2002). A celebration of sex for newlyweds. Thomas Nelson Incorporated. Created from liberty on 2025-11-06 14:43:38.

Be honest. As you develop into a great lover, periodically ask yourself these questions: Have I developed any dishonest

sexual games? Do I sulk or pout rather than talk through my needs? When my needs are satisfied, do I stop or press through to

also satisfying my mate’s needs? In honesty, work through these issues with your mate.

Be romantic. How would you define ? Make a brief list of behaviors that you consider romantic and do one or tworomantic

this week.

Be disciplined. Put your heads together and plan when and how often you are going to make love each week.

Rosenau, D. E. (2002). A celebration of sex for newlyweds. Thomas Nelson Incorporated. Created from liberty on 2025-11-06 14:43:38.