Psychology The Role of Listener Assignment

Chapter 7

PROMOTE PEACE

Schultze, Q. J., & Badzinski, D. M. (2015). An Essential Guide to Interpersonal Communication. Baker Publishing Group.  https://mbsdirect.vitalsource.com/books/9781441248725

David and Nancy divorced after six years of marriage. They continued living in different rooms of the same house because they couldn’t find a buyer. They argued over things like who got to park in the garage. They also dealt with awkward silence. Eventually they settled into a semi tolerable routine that included watching television at opposite ends of the house.1

Their accommodations were unusual, but we all live in imperfect relationships. When most of us begin a relationship, we assume that our communication skills are above average, and things will work out. For some, however, destructive conflicts spiral, rapport dissolves, and relationships die.

Perhaps David and Nancy could have saved their marriage if they had learned the necessary communication skills to better manage conflicts. Then again, maybe they needed to be more virtuous people and aspire to the qualities associated with the fruit of the Spirit, including gentleness, patience, and self-control. Considering all of their conflict, however, could they really have regained the joy of each other’s company?

The biblical view of healthy relationships is much more than the absence of conflict. Scripture’s vision is a deeper peace in which people find joy and delight in right relations. This ancient Hebrew vision of right relationships, called shalom, is a combination of proper justice and fulfilling peace. It imagines relationships as God’s gifts to his image bearers so that they might live in the kind of harmony represented by the garden of Eden, before humans’ fall from grace. The further our relationships move away from shalom, the more conflict-ridden they become.

In this chapter we show how to address interpersonal conflicts in ways that will nurture relationships marked by shalom. After first examining the nature of conflict, we go on to explain that, contrary to popular opinion, healthy relationships are not based on the absence of all conflict, on complete agreement, or on thoroughly comfortable communication. Conflicts can present opportunities to listen to each other, to reconsider the quality of our relationships, and to examine how we really view and treat one another. Next, we look closely at shalom as the relational ideal, particularly in terms of peace and justice. We then describe essential virtues (good qualities of character) that equip us to seek shalom together, such as being gentle, inviting, cooperative, and mild-mannered persons. Finally, we suggest that cultural, racial, and other differences often are openings for mutual growth. When we address conflicts well, we offer glimpses of the kingdom of God on earth and in heaven.

Examining Conflicts

All relationships produce conflicts, but interpersonal conflicts can be heart-wrenching. In fact, the people we work with most closely, worship with most joyfully, and love most dearly are usually the ones with whom we will have some of our worst, relationship-challenging conflicts. Intimacy breeds both delight and dispute.

The word “conflict” comes from the idea of “striking together.” It suggests a battle. Real conflict isn’t just disagreement, since people can agree to amiably disagree. Interpersonal conflict is the kind of battle in which people “strike” each other with silence, words, or other actions because of sharp disagreements or misunderstandings. Conflict is relationship-challenging disagreement in action, the nonphysical version of combat. No wonder people often call interpersonal conflicts “fights.” “We had a fight last night” means something like “We suffered through an emotional, destructive argument last night.”

Conflict differs from simple disagreements in five important ways.

THREE WAYS OF TREATING OTHERS

The low road—where we treat others worse than they treat us

The middle road—where we treat others the same as they treat us

The high road—where we treat others better than they treat us

Adapted from John C. Maxwell, Winning with People: Discover the People Principles That Work for You Every Time (Nashville: Nelson, 2004), 221.

Interpersonal conflicts involve personal differences of value.

Simple disagreements become conflicts when they address overriding principles that can affect decision making. Disagreeing over what time to arrive at the airport for check-in, for instance, is not the same as arguing about why one’s spouse is “always late.” The latter involves overriding feelings and understandings about a person—even evaluating a person’s actions based on a principle of timeliness. Principled people can get into conflicts when their tight standards are more important than their relationships.

Interpersonal conflicts are emotionally charged.

Conflicts have a sharp edge. They bite hearts. They hurt. They’re personal. This is why they can ignite a desire to get even. They can be so psychologically overwhelming that we have difficulty thinking clearly. Our communication becomes an emotional burden. In such a case we are faced with the choice of using words to reduce or fuel the conflict. Our tongues can ease or worsen the burdens we bear.2

Interpersonal conflicts last for a while.

Conflicts are not onetime disagreements or temporary relational irritations. They represent a pattern of arguing or stonewalling—or both.3 Often similar issues and language come up repeatedly. After a while, a minor disagreement can explode into yet another “same-old” conflict. Even if earlier conflicts seemed to be resolved, the previous hurt can reemerge in later disputes. When the negative feelings associated with conflicts fester, they shape how each person feels about the other one and the relationship. Whatever two people repeatedly fight about says a lot about the nature of their relationship.

Interpersonal conflicts affect our quality of life.

Conflicts don’t just make or break relationships; they affect people’s overall quality of life.4 They impact the everyday ways we treat and talk to each other, what we think about, how well we rest and work, and how well we interact with God. Conflicts affect our ability to enjoy each other’s company, to truly care about and support one another. Often only the worst conflicts totally destroy relationships, but recurring conflicts shape the emotional and spiritual atmosphere in which we live.

Interpersonal conflicts affect our credibility as followers of Christ.

For good or bad, the way we handle conflict is a significant part of our witness to those around us. Cross-cultural expert Duane Elmer says that when conflict is “replaced with wholeness and unity,” the “power of the Gospel” is released.5 Conflicts are an opportunity for God’s glory to be revealed through our lives. By contrast, nasty, public conflicts hinder our ability to be salt and light to others.

NINE WAYS NOT TO CONFRONT PEOPLE

Out of personal irritation and anger

Without knowing all of the relevant facts

With a judgmental attitude

With condemnatory language

With an adversarial tone

With Scripture as a “club” to clobber others

With purely human expectations

In the midst of a broken relationship

With the expectation of instantaneous progress

Adapted from Paul David Tripp, War of Words: Getting to the Heart of Your Communication Struggles (Phillipsburg, NJ: P&R, 2000), 137–38.

Interpersonal conflicts can emerge through social media as well as in-person interactions.

The jury is still out on whether people’s use of social media tends to worsen existing interpersonal conflicts, but clearly social-media use requires special care to avoid conflicts escalating from mere misunderstanding. Between 25 and 50 percent of residential college students carry on long-distance dating relationships, often with friends from back home. To cultivate such relationships, the couples need to work hard at sharing openly and honestly with each other.6 Ironically, the many different ways of communicating (e.g., cell, text, email, chat, video, tweeting) may create more opportunities for failed expectations, heightening the potential for conflict.7

Considering Myths about Conflicts

Being human means having the remarkable ability for metacommunication—communication about communication. This book is an example of metacommunication. When coworkers discuss how to work together on a presentation, they’re metacommunicating.

One benefit of metacommunication is that we can discuss how to identify and manage conflicts. We aren’t programmed to repeat the same communication patterns over and over again—like the character played by Bill Murray in Groundhog Day or Drew Barrymore in 50 First Dates.

A downside of metacommunication, however, is that we can generate interpersonal conflicts about conflicts! Sometimes we go on and on, seemingly forever arguing about arguing. Again, communication skills are not always sufficient to address such situations. The state of our hearts is critically important. We have to desire to get beyond the argumentative reruns.

Because interpersonal conflicts are so common and people do talk about them a lot, it seems that everyone has opinions about them—what they are, what causes them, how to solve them, and more. As a result, we tend to hold to particular myths about conflict that limit our metacommunication about resolving real conflicts.

Myth #1—All conflict is relationally destructive.

Actually, most conflicts can be openings for people to get to know each other better and learn both to respect one another and to negotiate differences without cocooning or criticizing. Conflicts can help us set agendas for improving relationships. They can highlight possible cultural differences. They can lead us to begin really listening to each other, without agendas. In fact, much marital counseling is designed to do just that. Moreover, conflicts often are clues about larger emotional problems that need to be addressed. Frequently conflicts over sex, for instance, actually point to the broader issue of emotional intimacy.

Myth #2—Conflicts are entirely preventable.

There are only two ways to prevent interpersonal conflicts. One is to live like a hermit. Philosopher Richard Kraut writes, “Having no social relations at all with other human beings will eliminate the problem of negative social emotions, but there is a better solution . . . to have affectionate and nonconflictual relationships with other people—relationships in which one feels warmly toward others and that seldom, if ever, give one reason to be angry or jealous.”8 That’s a tall order, but it beats being a loner.

The other way to prevent conflicts is to give in to others’ wishes and demands and avoid any lasting convictions or opinions about anything—like an emotional chameleon that changes colors to fit in with the environment.9 Of course this too is entirely unrealistic. Even the most gifted and skilled communicators can’t avert all conflicts simply by relenting to others’ demands or accepting their criticisms. True reconciliation can’t be imposed by the stronger of two sides.10

Christians believe from Scripture that wherever two or more are gathered, Jesus is also present. That’s reassuring given that conflict will also be present, both among the gathered believers and between each of them and God. But even following Jesus won’t prevent interpersonal conflicts; some of the worst conflicts arise in churches. Christians can end up in church-splitting disagreements over how to pray, worship, and evangelize. Arguments over musical style alone have divided congregations. Perhaps there is more conflict in some churches than in many other social institutions because the stakes seem so high; both sides can believe that they are right with God.

Myth #3—Conflicts are purely emotional.

Actually, psychological distress can impact us physically.11 Emotionally charged conflicts can cause illness; stress, in particular, lowers our immunity to illness. Science links severe emotional strain, especially post-traumatic stress, to many of the body’s physical systems. People in emotionally intensive and deeply interpersonal professions—such as pastors, counselors, nurses, and missionary workers—are often particularly susceptible. Physical, emotional, and probably spiritual dimensions of health are all intimately related.

As communication professor Tim Muehlhoff says, we shouldn’t deny or suppress emotions during conflicts. For one thing, it’s impossible to be completely unemotional because we’re emotional creatures. For another, emotions can motivate us to resolve conflict in order to build stronger relationships. In addition, emotions can remind us that we care about each other and that God cares about us. Finally, Jesus Christ is a personal God of emotions, and we’re made in his image.12 Muehlhoff writes, “The difference between an amicable resolution and a long-lasting feud is, in part, our ability to manage our emotions in the heat of the moment.”13

Myth #4—Verbal conflict is far less relationally significant than physical conflict.

Words can sting for life. Verbal abuse, in particular, is vastly underrated as the source of relationship-destroying conflict passed from generation to generation. Some families live together in emotional terror because of the ways members use language like a knife to pierce each other’s hearts. When victims of spousal infidelity hear the bad news, they are often shell-shocked. Some therapists treat such victims like war casualties or hurricane victims and offer post-traumatic stress debriefings.14 Words of contempt are especially destructive; they can produce lasting shame.15

SIX WAYS TO WORSEN A FRIEND’S SHAME

Everyone feels a degree of shame for things they’ve said and done. How we respond when someone confides in us about the cause of his or her shame is critically important. Here are responses to avoid:

Gasp and confirm how horrified they should be. (“You should feel terrible.”)

Respond with sympathy. (“Oh, you poor thing.”)

Demand them to be your pillar of strength. (“You’ve let me down.”)

Scold them. (“How could you let this happen?”)

Refuse to acknowledge they did such a thing. (“You’re exaggerating; everybody loves you.”)

Seek the opportunity to one-up them. (“That’s nothing; listen to what I did.”)

Adapted from Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are (Center City, MN: Hazelden, 2010), 10–11.

Some Christians have great difficulty accepting Jesus’s forgiveness because of the ways that friends and relatives have heaped disapproval on them. Deep shame is one of the most difficult human emotions to overcome; it robs us of the true knowledge that we’re created in the image and likeness of God and prevents us from experiencing the deeper joy of Jesus’s forgiveness. Physical and verbal abuse can destroy relationships.

Flourishing in Shalom

What are the alternatives to conflict? Some people believe that the alternative is to minimize conflict by properly managing it. A biblical alternative is to be the kinds of persons who are far less likely to create negative conflict.

Rabbi Abraham Heschel says that faithful living requires us to understand and accept our responsibility toward others. He suggests that there are two divergent ways of relating to each other: manipulation, which leads to relational death, and appreciation, which leads to relational life. When we irresponsibly aim to exploit others, our words become “tools,” and each of our relationships becomes a one-way means for getting what we ourselves want from others. By contrast, says Heschel, true human “fellowship depends upon appreciation.”16

Heschel adds, “We must strive to maintain a balance of power and mercy, of truth and generosity.” To be a person is to “reciprocate, to offer in return for what one receives. . . . I become a person by knowing the meaning of receiving and giving. I become a person when I begin to reciprocate” in the “fullness of being in fellowship, and care for others. . . . Indeed, man alone is motivated by the awareness of the insufficiency of sheer being, of sheer living. Man alone is open to the problem of how to be and how not to be at all levels of his existence.”17

Hasidic scholar Martin Buber puts it this way: We tend to see each person as an “It” or a “Thou.” Our “I-It” relationships are based on using other people for our own ends. Our “I-Thou” relationships treat others as God’s image bearers worthy of being served and loved.18 In an I-Thou relationship, we see the other person as a “thou,” a gift from God to be appreciated and respected.

At the deepest level, interpersonal conflicts have to do with attitudes and resulting actions, with how we view and correspondingly treat one another. They are about what we do or don’t see as our roles and responsibilities in relationships. Are we involved in interpersonal relationships for the sake of ourselves? For other persons? For relationships? For God? These aren’t just philosophical questions. They’re deeply theological, even biblical ones. And our answers to them have significant, practical consequences for our relationships. They will shape our communicative ideals and how we address the inevitable conflicts. They will determine whether we are satisfied just trying to manage interpersonal conflicts or whether we seek to flourish in community with others.

Like the Old Testament writers, especially the prophets, Heschel and Buber direct us to communicate faithfully for shalom—harmonious relations with God, others, and ourselves. The biblical vision of shalom should shape how we see ourselves and others, how we practice everyday interpersonal communication, and how we address conflicts. Shalom reminds us that the deepest joy and delight come not through merely human relationships, not even through conflict-free relationships, but through God-blessed relationships. For Christians, shalom is the kind of relational life in Jesus Christ that nurtures our other two major relationships—with neighbors and with ourselves.

Shalom is biblical life, rich with community and hope, rather than just the absence of negative conflicts. Shalom is the vision of the new heaven and the new earth, the new Jerusalem (“shalom” is one of the root words for “Jeru-shalom”). Eugene Peterson says that shalom is “one of the richest words in the Bible.” The word “gathers all aspects of wholeness that result from God’s will completed in us. Shalom is the work of God that, when complete, releases streams of living water in us and pulsates with eternal life.”19 Shalom is relational life.

We yearn to experience such life. We desire to love and be loved. Deep down, we want to be affirmed in loving relationships. We imagine living joyfully with God, neighbor, and self—without verbal abuse, dishonesty, unfaithfulness, and other relationship-killing communication. We long to be emotionally close and at peace with those we care about and with those who care about us, especially friends, family, and fellow believers. Our best moments as humans, says writer Frederick Buechner, are when “it is possible to escape the squirrel-cage of being me into the landscape of being us.”20 A person does not need to be a superman or superwoman to flourish. An individual flourishes when he or she is “truly living rather than merely existing.”21

The problem with practicing only “conflict management” in our relationships is that it sets our sights too low. Conflict can destroy relationships over time. But what’s the biblical alternative? Not conflict-free communication but, instead, relationships of joy and delight in which conflict is addressed openly, respectfully, and compassionately. Isn’t this the type of relationship that we love to dwell in precisely because we all are beloved even amid our differences?

Seeking Peace-Filled Relationships

How can we judge the “rightness” or “wrongness” of our person-to-person communication? What relational life-or-death norms should we use to assess our interactions with others?

One set of biblical norms for evaluating communication in terms of shalom has to do with justice and peace. Shalom offers a rich biblical tradition of emphasizing these two concepts to discern whether relationships are fostering life or death. As Bruce Birch puts it in To Love as We Are Loved, “Peace, justice, well-being, wholeness, health, righteousness: all of these things participate in the vision of the reality of shalom.”22

Shalom as Relational Justice

Shalom includes biblical justice. This justice isn’t simply legalistic retribution—a life for a life, an eye for an eye, or a lie for a lie.23 Jesus says during the Sermon on the Mount, “You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’ But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If someone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also.”24

Biblical justice doesn’t give us the right to respond in kind to others’ deceptive or abusive communication. No self-serving revenge. No treating others as a thing—an “It.” We’re called to “incarnate Jesus, the Reconciler and Redeemer.”25 We work as servants of Jesus Christ, not as self-serving manipulators or deceivers. Our “yes” is “yes” and our “no” is “no.” Why? Because others deserve truth and respect from us.

Justice is all about giving others what they rightly are due as God’s image bearers and our neighbors. They deserve to hear the truth, to be able to participate in communication about their lives and futures, and to be respected even when disagreed with. In short, we all merit both a “say” and an “audience.” When we fail to listen to others we treat them as nonexistent. We prejudge—and act with prejudice toward—them.

Shalom as Relational Peace

Biblical peace is not just the lack of conflict and strife but positive relationships for flourishing together. Think of a peaceful setting on the beach with a close friend during a vacation. The rolling waves and light breeze still your souls as you both delight in the place and the companionship. You smile at each other, speechless. Then you say to yourself, “This is the life.” This type of peace, which Scripture often refers to as unity,26 is marked by the “presence of genuine harmony, understanding, and goodwill between people” and involves a sense of wholeness, contentment, tranquility, and security.27

In biblical peace, the wolf will not merely stop attacking the lamb, and the lamb will not only avoid the wolf’s territory. The wolf and lamb will feed and live together.28 That’s a tall metaphor for imperfect human beings, but it’s also a richly relational metaphor. It’s God’s plan for life-giving relationships; we are commanded to live at peace with one another,29 just as Jesus Christ gives us his peace. Attorney Ken Sande, who specializes in biblical peacemaking, writes, “Nothing reveals God’s concern for peace more vividly than his decision to send his beloved Son to ‘guide our feet into the path of peace.’”30 As the writer of Proverbs says, when our ways are pleasing to the Lord, we make even our enemies live in peace with us.31

In biblical peace, we enjoy our relationships even if we don’t always appreciate every aspect of them. College roommates might not suffer from nasty conflicts. But do they experience joy and delight together? Are they in a living rather than dying relationship? Are they respecting each other as God’s image bearers? Are they seeking the best for each other?

Faithfulness is the overarching norm for assessing our communication for shalom. In such communication, people are rightly faithful to one another, to God, and to themselves. The goal of faithful interpersonal communication is not just reducing conflict but building relationships filled with justice and peace so that each of us may flourish with God, others, and ourselves.

This book often substitutes the idea of “flourishing” for the biblical word “shalom.” It uses the concept of flourishing to encompass personal and communal well-being. Flourishing suggests growing, blossoming, and thriving in harmony with others. It’s a fitting term for evaluating how well a living thing is doing within its environment.32 Relationships live and die; they are never static. If we don’t feed relationships, they wither and sometimes perish. “I am like an olive tree flourishing in the house of God,” writes the psalmist. “I trust in God’s unfailing love for ever and ever. For what you have done I will always praise you in the presence of your faithful people. And I will hope in your name, for your name is good.”33

Kenneth Burke, one of the twentieth century’s most influential rhetorical critics, says, “A way of life is an acting-together; and in acting-together, men have common sensations, concepts, images, ideas, attitudes that make them consubstantial.”34 The church father Tertullian (ca. 160–ca. 220) coined the term “consubstantial” (“of one substance”) to capture both the oneness of the Trinity and Jesus’s spiritual oneness with his followers. Echoing Tertullian, Burke tried to describe some of the mystery of human community using age-old theological terms. We all have a sense that there is more to interpersonal relationships than what we are already experiencing; our deeper desire for community points to shalom, a taste of heaven on earth.

Being Virtuous People

Shalom is a quality of relationships that requires not just communication skills but also people’s good character, or virtue. The needed virtues include several characteristics.

Being Humble, Not Arrogant

In shalom, we think of others as better than ourselves. We listen and learn. We don’t assume we’re correct and others are wrong. We question ourselves—including our mixed motives. We’re careful about not attributing motives or meaning to others’ actions until we’ve heard from them directly. Even when confronting someone whom we think has wronged us, we go forward with a heart of humility and service.35

Humble communicators accept the fact that everyone has tensions in their lives. We all have mixed feelings about many things and are not always sure how to proceed relationally. We acknowledge the strains in our own hearts as well as in our interpersonal relationships.36 We give up any sense of superiority and do what’s right for the relationship. It takes two to begin a friendship, but it takes only one to end a quarrel.37 We don’t have to prove ourselves worthy to others. We live with the kind of humility that makes us free to be our imperfect selves.38

FOUR STEPS TO RESOLVING CONFLICT

Glorify God: trust, obey, and imitate God in the midst of conflict.

Get the log out of your own eye: identify and take responsibility for the ways you’ve wronged another person.

Gently restore: talk with the offender privately and lovingly about the situation.

Go and be reconciled: grant forgiveness and pursue genuine reconciliation with the offender.

Adapted from Ken Sande, The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict, 3rd ed. (Grand Rapids: Baker Books, 2004), 12–13.

Being Mild-Mannered, Not Inflammatory

We speak and write with restraint, not with unbridled emotions. Recognizing that how we communicate is just as important as the actual words we use, we calm our souls even in the midst of emotionally charged conflicts. We avoid escalating conflicts. We’re temperate and measured, even when our own emotions start boiling. We practice self-control. Even when we’ve been wronged, we practice healthy rather than combative resistance.39 “Hate is for emergencies, like a fast battery charge; it is a quick fix like heroin,” writes Christian author and ethicist Lewis Smedes. “As a long-term energizer, it is unreliable. And in the end it kills.”40

Being Gentle, Not Harsh

Our verbal and nonverbal communication is soft and gentle, not angry and brash. We think of our speech as a light breeze rather than a mighty hurricane. A gentle response to someone turns away wrath, but a harsh reply stirs up anger, says the writer of Proverbs.41 Blessed are the meek—the gentle.42 Harsh words rub salt into wounds.43 We speak with grace to those who hear us.44

Being Inviting, Not Threatening

We convey a sense of being open to and interested in others. We avoid being the kinds of people who frighten or intimidate others. We’re personally hospitable in our hearts and minds. We win people over by first empathizing with them and then communicating with them, not at them.

Being Cooperative, Not Confrontational

Peaceful communicators seek common ground for conversation, not arguments to win. We’re interested in working with others rather than demanding that they agree with us. We welcome collaboration. We’re open to win-win compromises. Peaceful communication avoids warlike rhetoric about battles and enemies. This isn’t easy because popular culture fosters a warlike atmosphere with winners and losers. “When was the last time you went to see a movie about peace?” asks theologian Stanley Hauerwas. “War has seized our imagination.”45

Being Patient, Not Hasty

Communicating for shalom, we accept the long view of nurturing our relationships rather than the short view of quickly resolving all of our conflicts and eliminating all misunderstanding. A fool is hotheaded and reckless, says Proverbs.46 We admit that communication is complex and needs sensitive, thoughtful consideration. Nuances are important. Getting to know each other takes time. We’re patiently on guard against quickly stereotyping others. We accept others’ need for time too. We’re generous with our time when our neighbor says, “I need time to think about it” or “I can’t discuss it right now.” As long as two persons keep talking, they are not totally hostile.47

Embracing Differences

Shalom embraces differences as well as unity. Biblical peace is a special kind of harmony that fosters delight in the different ways that each person can contribute to the good of a relationship. In today’s world, such differences are sometimes limited to obvious distinctions such as ethnicity, gender, disability, and race. Age is important too; young people and senior citizens need to be respected and included in many conversations. We all benefit from the energy of youth and the wisdom of age.

But beyond such relatively obvious distinctions is the more mysterious way that God can use various personalities and cultures to bless relationships. Often those who already hold organizational power need insights from outsiders, especially those on the fringes of society. Many churches don’t grow because the members fail to befriend those who are not like existing members and whose communication styles seem so different and even threatening.48

The problem is that we’re all more comfortable being surrounded with people who are like us. We aim to avoid potential conflicts by maintaining the status quo. The resulting peace is superficially based on an in-group sense of superiority. Moreover, it survives by groups failing to listen to other groups.

Rich relationships don’t result from social uniformity because there aren’t enough challenges to overcome. Differences of opinion and perspective, when addressed with virtue, can enrich relationships. Artificial peace is marked by people who look, think, and communicate alike, without questioning themselves. Such insincere peace also exists when people don’t care enough about their differences to identify and value them. By contrast, real biblical peace is evident when people see and accept their differences as part of the shared blessing of God’s richly textured creation and humans’ individual and cultural variety.

CULTURAL DIFFERENCES ABOUT DISAGREEMENT

German Culture New Zealand, British, Mainland Chinese Culture

Disagreement does not need to be avoided. Disagreement is to be avoided.

A heated debate is enjoyable and a lack of disagreement is boring. Seek agreement and common ground.

Disagreement is expressed openly or exacerbated. Disagreement should be played down.

Emotions are displayed openly. Emotions are restrained.

Disagreement does not necessarily indicate conflict. Disagreement is a precursor to conflict.

Adapted from Stefanie Stadler, “Cultural Differences in the Orientation to Disagreement and Conflict,” China Media Research 9, no. 4 (Fall 2013): 66–75.

Every society—and nearly every organization, from churches to workplaces—maintains superficial peace by excluding those who make the members feel uncomfortable. For years this was especially true for predominantly white American groups, which invited few African Americans to participate. This continues to be true for many North American churches, resulting in Sunday being one of the most segregated days of the week. Imagine how much richer the music alone is in churches that are open to cultural differences. African American spirituals, for instance, carry a wonderful legacy of deeply Christian experience. Such cultural diversity in churches nearly always emerges through the interpersonal relationships of individuals from different traditions.

Human differences represent communicative and cultural capacity because individuals and groups have their own stories that contribute to the mosaic of what it means to be human. For Christians, these stories are also parables that reflect God’s grace in the midst of human brokenness. This is partly why it is so critically important for Christians to practice hospitality—making room in our hearts, minds, and homes for the “stranger” among us—with those whose stories expand believers’ visions of the kingdom of God.

The apostle Paul broke down many existing cultural barriers by proclaiming the gospel to all people—Jew and Greek, male and female, slave and free.49 He said that all humans can be “one in Christ Jesus” regardless of their individual, cultural, and genetic differences. Paul didn’t mean that all cultural practices are good for people’s flourishing in Christ and in Christian community; followers of Jesus need wisdom and discernment about culture. But the Christian faith is meant to radically embrace diversity within unity. The oneness in Christ overshadows most of the cultural differences that we use to uphold our own cultural stereotypes and arrogance. Entering into interpersonal relationships with such narrow-minded assumptions about those who are different from us is a recipe for either indifference toward others or peace-robbing conflicts.

Conclusion

Conflicts are inevitable. Some are deeply destructive, seemingly unresolvable. Relationships break down, escalate, and too often simply dissolve. That’s what happened to Nancy and David’s marriage, leaving them watching television at opposite ends of the house.

But true peace isn’t about keeping a lid on conflict and avoiding differences of opinion and culture. Even emotionally intense conflicts are opportunities to grow together by respecting differences and seeking shared goodness. Biblical flourishing is where peace and justice come together as a taste of the new heaven and the new earth—a signpost for all to witness. When we listen as virtuous persons across our differences, we grow to respect one another and to appreciate God’s grace.

Following Jesus is a call to be peacemakers by how we live as well as what we say. Our lives speak to others what Jesus’s peace truly means to us. Our relationships even affect the integrity of the gospel because life and witness cannot be separated.50 One of our everyday communicative tasks is to discern what it means to communicate with the kind of peace that passes human understanding as a foretaste of flourishing in eternal life.

As we show in the next chapter, sometimes the only way back to peace is via forgiveness. In fact, forgiveness mirrors what God has done for all repentant sinners through Jesus Christ. Forgiveness allows all of us to restore relationships rather than simply give up on them or let them languish.

Chapter 8

RESTORE RELATIONSHIPS

Dear Brian,

I need to apologize to you for some big mistakes I made in my fathering. I hope this [letter] allows us to feel closer to one another. My greatest hope would be for you to forgive me. . . .

I love you.

Dad

This father’s apology to his twenty-four-year-old son was long overdue. The father had been physically abusive for years.

The son responded:

Dad,

Thanks for your letter. I have to admit it came as a total surprise, even a shock. . . .

I can begin to forgive you now. . . .

I love you too, Dad. Thanks for writing.

Brian1

Both notes were tentative about the future. The son was understandably skeptical about his father’s written apology. One brief note can’t automatically undo years of hurt and humiliation. But the son concluded with a ray of hope, an expression of love for his abuser.

We don’t know if their relationship will ever flourish. But a seed has been planted in new relational soil. We can pray for the father and son as they embark on a journey of healing. May they begin to experience some peace even as shalom seems like a distant dream.

Because we live amid broken relationships, we all have stories of offense and forgiveness.2 Perhaps we need to seek forgiveness for our own cruel or disrespectful actions. Possibly our unkind words, rolled eyes, or harsh glances hurt a friend. Perhaps we neglected to communicate with a family member or betrayed a spouse. Maybe we cheated on an exam or gossiped about a coworker. Possibly we’re wrestling with forgiving ourselves. Maybe we can’t see beyond our pain to even imagine forgiving someone whose words deeply hurt us. We all need the transforming gift of forgiveness. “To err is human, to forgive divine,” writes Alexander Pope.3

As we explain in this chapter, we’re called to use the gift of communication responsibly to grant and accept real forgiveness. Such forgiveness is considerably more than tolerance, exoneration, excuses, and even reconciliation.4 True forgiveness is all about forgiving others as God has forgiven us. Forgiveness is a process of giving up both our hurt and our desire to get back at others. We’re most apt to practice forgiveness when we live repentantly, aware of our own transgressions against God and others. Along the way we need to forgive ourselves too. Forgiveness restores some of the brokenness that keeps us from experiencing greater shalom. Every act of forgiveness restores our relationships with God, neighbor, and self.

Granting Forgiveness

New Testament Greek includes two words for “forgive.” Aphiemi means letting go or releasing. Charizomai means bestowing favor freely or unconditionally.5 The two words capture forgiveness as the process of giving up both our hurt and our desire to get back at others.

To grant forgiveness to someone is to communicate from our heart as if the offender never acted improperly. We release the wounding actions to the God of mercy and justice. After all, who are we to cast the first stone at others for their misdeeds? C. S. Lewis writes, “To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you.”6

Such forgiveness can be challenging, even seemingly impossible. When someone deeply hurts us, we generally want revenge. Suppose a friend posts nasty gossip about us online. We respond with hurt, followed by anger, and then maybe even retaliation. We feel the need to get even. In the opening story of this chapter, the son is understandably skeptical of the father’s desire to be forgiven. And it would be natural for Brian to be angry and perhaps even to vengefully want his father to pay for the years of abuse.

Biblically speaking, granting forgiveness is the right choice. We don’t choose to be hurt or offended; such feelings can overcome us before we have a chance to think about our predicament. But ultimately we decide how to respond. Our responsibility includes how and when we respond—or if we simply let the offense go in silence.

By first listening to God, we remember that we should act like merciful saints, not vindictive sinners. Jesus Christ has forgiven us for the many ways we have mistreated others and thereby hurt God. We acknowledge, accept, and appreciate God’s great forgiveness. We are called to “go and do likewise”—to speak forgiveness in the appropriate medium.7 We choose by grace to replace some of our gut-wrenching anger with compassion, generosity, and even love toward the wrongdoer.8 And we keep on forgiving—seventy times seventy.9 In other words, we imitate God’s spacious forgiveness rather than pretend to be our own godlike judges and juries.

How can we practice such forgiveness when our hearts are deeply hurting and we want revenge? We can’t do it on our own. We can only imitate Jesus’s mercy toward us.10 It’s up to us to offer forgiveness even when we know we can’t fully forgive without God’s grace through the work of the Holy Spirit. We’re called to begin the process of forgiveness, which the Spirit will make real. Theologian Fraser Watts says, “We trivialize forgiveness if we see it as only something that we have the capacity to dispense to others, and do not realise that it is also something bigger than ourselves in which we can participate.”11 All forgiveness is a God thing.

Forgiving Others as God Forgives Us

“Dumbledore says people find it far easier to forgive others for being wrong than being right,” remarks the character Hermione Granger in J. K. Rowling’s Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.12 Real forgiveness is generous, not stingy. It has no strings attached. There’s no place for a phrase like, “I promise to forgive you if you promise to never do it again.” There are no “ifs” or “buts” in such relationship-restoring pardons. God doesn’t say to us, “Hey, shape up by going to church more often, or I won’t ever pardon your sins.”

Our forgiving is God’s grace in action. After all, we know that we’re serial offenders. We can promise not to criticize, insult, or embarrass others, but can we follow through? A father asks forgiveness and promises never again to criticize his seemingly overweight daughter. Will he keep that promise? What if he slips again even as he tries hard to love his daughter unconditionally? We always need to ask and receive forgiveness humbly, seeing ourselves as well as others in need of God’s help. True forgiveness involves both grace and mercy for everyone involved.13 Such forgiveness is a God-blessed way of life, a daily attitude, a compassionate heart that colors our view of others and ourselves.

When we offer forgiveness, we imitate Jesus and model how we would like to be treated. When we grant a pardon, we mercifully refuse to punish the one who deserves it. When a friend breaks his or her promise to keep something about us confidential, we realize that we’ve done it to others too. We’re like the offending friend. We both need kindness in the face of our own relationship-robbing communication. We need to treat others the way we would want—and need—to be treated.

It’s a very tall order for us to genuinely say “I forgive you,” because it tells the offender that we won’t dwell on the hurtful incident. It says that we won’t use the incident against the person—and that we don’t want the offense to keep us from restoring our relationship.14 It says that we’re going to cease any gossip about the misdeed and wish the other person well, including in front of others. It says that we’re going to advance the person’s good name even if the incident harmed our reputation. It can even say that we’re going to seek God’s blessing on that person.15 Ethicist Lewis B. Smedes writes, “You will know that forgiveness has begun when you recall those who hurt you and feel the power to wish them well.”16

FOUR PROMISES OF FORGIVENESS

“I will not dwell on the hurtful actions.”

“I will not use the incident to bring you harm.”

“I will not gossip about it.”

“I will not allow the incident to keep us from restoring our relationship.”

Adapted from Ken Sande, The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict, 3rd ed. (Grand Rapids: Baker Books, 2004), 209.

Avoiding Common Misunderstandings

There are at least five common misunderstandings of forgiveness.

Forgiving isn’t a form of forgetting.

The saying “forgive and forget” isn’t quite right. Forgetting isn’t the ultimate test of forgiveness. The real test is to treat the person as if the offense had never happened17 and to embrace the gradual healing of pain.18 In fact, remembering can help ensure that the offense doesn’t recur and allows us to use healing memories to minister to those who are hurting.19 Our recollections can help us to avoid repeatedly making the same mistakes—both hurting others and failing to pardon them. “Forgiveness is not about forgetting,” says Papa, the character who represents God the Father in the best-selling Christian novel The Shack. “It is about letting go of another person’s throat.”20

Forgiving isn’t a form of forgetting.

The saying “forgive and forget” isn’t quite right. Forgetting isn’t the ultimate test of forgiveness. The real test is to treat the person as if the offense had never happened17 and to embrace the gradual healing of pain.18 In fact, remembering can help ensure that the offense doesn’t recur and allows us to use healing memories to minister to those who are hurting.19 Our recollections can help us to avoid repeatedly making the same mistakes—both hurting others and failing to pardon them. “Forgiveness is not about forgetting,” says Papa, the character who represents God the Father in the best-selling Christian novel The Shack. “It is about letting go of another person’s throat.”20

Forgiving isn’t just excusing the offense.

Asking for forgiveness isn’t about explaining or rationalizing how we’ve misused the gift of communication at someone else’s expense. Forgiveness isn’t about listening to and accepting others’ excuses for why they hurt us. If they intended to hurt us, we can’t simply accept their excuse—as if they didn’t mean to hurt us. Offenders can play fast and loose with excuses without ever really admitting their offenses and changing their future actions. Excuses cheapen forgiveness. The greatest sign of hope in Brian’s relationship with his father is that his father seeks forgiveness. If Brian simply excused his father regardless of his father’s attitude, there might be little chance for long-term healing.

Some transgressions are far too intentional to allow simple excuses. For instance, there’s no excuse for spreading dirty little rumors, for verbally humiliating people in front of others, or for destroying a child’s self-esteem by incessantly belittling him or her. Likewise, there’s no excuse for failing to speak up to defend a friend who is being wrongly charged with misconduct. In such situations we shouldn’t merely shrug off the wrongdoing, close our eyes to the seriousness of it, and accept excuses. The situations call for justice as well as peace.

Renee struggled to forgive the hospital staff that, despite her protests that her husband wasn’t ready to be discharged, sent him home while he was still suffering from a severe psychological disorder. Shortly after his discharge, he took his own life, leaving Renee to raise their two young daughters. “It’s probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. Every fiber of my natural being resists it,” but if “I am to walk in obedience to God, I must forgive those who have sinned against me,” Renee concluded.21 The hospital’s actions were probably inexcusable, but for Renee they were ultimately forgivable.

We need to consider the real depth and impact of specific communicative hurts. On the one hand, is forgiveness really needed, or is the incident relatively trivial? On the other hand, is forgiveness inadequate? A tiny fib is a minor thing; repeated character assassination is far more damaging. For instance, a verbal abuser needs to be held accountable. It won’t serve the abuser or the victims if we forget, deny, overlook, or trivialize the wrongdoing.

Forgiving isn’t tolerating.

When communication is horribly wrong, none of us should simply have to live with it. We can accept the fact that people forget to offer thanks to others or occasionally lose their tempers and say or write words they soon regret. But we ought not to tolerate being verbally or nonverbally bullied in person or via social media. And we ought not to let others suffer such emotional trauma either. God doesn’t call us to remain victims but instead to courageously face and lovingly address the injustice.22

Forgiving isn’t exonerating.

Exoneration requires restitution from the wrongdoer before favor is bestowed; forgiveness does not. For instance, if someone tells lies that damage our reputation, they work toward restoring our reputation before being exonerated. We should seek to forgive them, but we should not tolerate more slander. The person needs to cease the offenses, ask forgiveness, and repair the damage; then we can begin exonerating. Our willingness to forgive, however, is not contingent on the wrongdoer’s willingness to offer restitution.

Forgiving isn’t complete reconciliation.

Although we forgive others both to glorify God and to restore our relationships, reconciliation (restored relationship) often takes longer. In Luke 15, a wayward son squanders his inheritance before returning home, where his father forgives him. In that case, the gracious father (representing God) and the disobedient son (a sinner before God) were immediately reconciled. In real life, the relationship might take months or years to restore. Trust was lost. The father was humiliated. Reconciliation takes time for healing.

An Amish community quickly reached out to the family of a young man who shot and killed five Amish girls at school. Within a day after experiencing such awful pain, the Amish families sent words of hope to the family of the killer. A close friend of the victims shared with the press: “If you have Jesus in your heart and He has forgiven you . . . [how] can you not forgive other people?”23 Maybe in such an amazing case of forgiveness God had already been at work, forming the community of faith to be ready for reconciliation long before the tragic event.

We might truly forgive someone who has hurt us deeply, but the relationship may never be fully restored.24 All restoration is a matter of God’s grace, not human devices. We begin the process with God’s help. “Forgiveness is a work of God’s love in the human soul that compels one to give oneself for another, despite being sinned against, so that the other might love God more deeply,” write psychologists Robert Cheong and Frederick DiBlasio.25 But accepting the fact that someone may never wish to seek a fuller reconciliation with us is one of the most difficult emotional trials in life.

Living in Mutual Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a mutual way of life that makes reconciliation possible. Repentant persons employ the gift of communication repeatedly to breathe new life into fractured relationships. They know that people will offend one another, but they continually nurture a contrite spirit and seek to be more forgiving with each other. They value living in a forgiving community of friends and family.

SIX SIGNS WE’RE NOT SERIOUS ABOUT FORGIVING OTHERS

Stewing about reasons not to forgive

Seeking revenge

Demanding justice

Withholding trust

Avoiding the whole incident

Complaining that forgiveness is too much work

The Greek word for “repent” is metanoia—to change one’s understanding.26 When we forgive, we are actually changing our minds about blame and revenge. We realize that what occurred was wrong but also that there might be more to the story that leads to mutual forgiveness. We have to alter our understanding of (1) how we offend one another through communicative action, (2) the extent of our sins, and (3) the greater story of God’s mercy. In other words, friends who forgive are living out the gospel in their relationships.

Repentance requires that we candidly confess our sin. To put it differently, we need to speak the truth about ourselves to ourselves and before the face of God. Such frank, self-indicting truthtelling reunites us with God and begins releasing the power of forgiveness.27

REACH: STEPS TO FORGIVENESS

Recall the hurt

Empathize with the wrongdoer

Altruistically offer forgiveness

Commit publicly to forgive

Hold on to forgiveness

Adapted from Everett L. Worthington, Forgiving and Reconciling: Bridges to Wholeness and Hope (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity, 2003), 73–74.

After repentance, we face the hardest part. We have to courageously ask God and then neighbor for the forgiveness that we don’t deserve. There’s no way around it. We could just try to treat the other person kindly in the future and hope that he or she gets the message that we’re sorry for what we’ve done. That way we wouldn’t have to risk rejection. Although it’s a good start, and sometimes that’s all we can handle emotionally, we need to ask the one we’ve hurt for forgiveness.

Of course, how we ask for forgiveness is critically important. We need to directly admit our actions. Forgiveness is more likely to occur when we offer a genuine apology that indicates remorse, acknowledges the severity of the offense, and promises better actions in the future.28 We need to listen to the offended express their emotions—the hurt, the anger, the embarrassment, and perhaps even the outrage. And we need to acknowledge and accept their emotions.29 The person we offended should be able to see in our faces that we are truly repentant and genuinely seek their forgiveness.30 A contrite face speaks volumes.

After asking for forgiveness, we need to patiently allow the one we offended adequate time to consider the request and to work through the hurt. Forcing an immediate response is disrespectful.

We also need to turn away from our own patterns of destructive actions. If we mistreated one person in a particular way, chances are we mistreat others similarly. For instance, we all know people who tend to deceive, flatter, or criticize. So when we pledge to the person we offended never to do wrong to them again, we have to realize that we might be making a very significant promise that goes against our tendencies.

If our offense is one of our common weaknesses, we need to do more than just pledge never to do it again to that particular person. Our plan should consist of specific steps, including a system of accountability, that will move us toward stopping the offensive action.31 We might have to pledge to stop the hurtful actions and specify how we intend to live out the commitment under the watchful eyes and ears of trusted friends.

Perhaps nothing better prepares us to forgive others than our own regular acts of confession before the face of God. By confessing to God our communicative sins of omission and commission, we’ll be much better equipped to accept others’ weaknesses and forgive them accordingly. Confession humbles us and makes us more virtuous communicators.

Forgiving Ourselves

“I’ll never be able to forgive myself.” Really? Why?

For some of us, self-loathing is tangible. We carry a lot of guilt and self-criticism. We find it easier to forgive people who have treated us poorly than to forgive ourselves for our own, less grievous offenses. We can end up being so principled that we never buckle under the weight of our own humanity.32

We all know that our interpersonal communication regularly falls short. We replay past conversations in our minds, thinking about what we could have said or how we could have acted differently. Maybe we could have been more patient, listening better before speaking or writing. Religious and nonreligious individuals alike express difficulty in forgiving themselves, despite the fact that religious individuals are more likely to forgive others, to feel forgiven by God, and to seek forgiveness.33

Jesus doesn’t call us to love others without loving ourselves. Instead of getting down on ourselves, we are called to forgive ourselves as we forgive our neighbors. Holding grudges against ourselves is no better than holding them against others. Biblically speaking, friends forgive. We are friends of Jesus, who forgives us, and friends with ourselves. To be a self-forgiving friend is a marvelous gift from and to God.

Conclusion

Brian’s abusive father sent his son a note requesting forgiveness. Presumably he wanted to reconnect with his son. Brian’s open response, in turn, suggested that father and son might be able to meet in the grace of slow but steady healing. There were no guarantees. Wrongs had been committed. Brian had legitimate concerns. Was his father simply trying to make himself feel better, or was he genuinely repentant?

For believers, forgiveness is a way of accepting and demonstrating the love of Christ to the world. We gratefully forgive others and ourselves because God has unconditionally forgiven us through the blood of Jesus Christ. Every act of forgiveness is an opportunity to develop a more intimate relationship with God, neighbor, and self.

In the concluding chapter we celebrate the miracle of interpersonal relationships and call for a balance between traditional and newer ways of communicating. Social media hold great promise for building friendships, but so do older means of interaction, which we need to nurture or else risk losing. The joy of relationships is more limited by our everyday routines than by the available forms of communication.