Analyze Strategies for Self-Care and Fostering Resilience

CHAPTER 8

Promoting Resilience and Fostering Hope

Abstract

This chapter emphasizes the interconnection of resilience and hope as a state of the mind and a trait of the heart.

The text includes the definitions of, and differences between, joy and happiness. The terms rational sequence (logical, goal-oriented) and ideological sequence

(reactive) are explained in relation to the goal of the development of children into self-sufficient, productive, balanced, and resilient adults.

The authors emphasize that the management of anxiety, and identification and diffusion of anger, are skills that can be learned in order to develop emotionally.

A section describing the six domains of self-esteem illustrates crucial aspects of the development of resilience through emotional balance. The four stages of anger are presented in a table defining each stage along with intervention goals.

Keywords: Anxiety and anger management; comfort vs. distress; self-esteem; hope; joy

Contents

It All Starts in Childhood 124 Joy Versus Happiness 125 Hope Can Be Fostered 125 Comfort Versus Distress 126 Teaching Sequences 127 The Goal of Child Development 128 Managing Anxiety and Anger 128 Anxiety Management 128 Acceptance 130 Self-Trust5 Self Esteem 131 Resilience and Emotional Balance 132 Anger Management 133 Igniting Anger 133 10 Defensive Traits 134 Angry Children Become Angry Adults 135 Change Can Happen 135 Kindness Can Help 135 Fostering Hope 136 Promoting Resilience 137 References 137

123 Innovative Approaches to Individual and Community Resilience

DOI: http://dx.doi.org/10.1016/B978-0-12-803851-2.00008-8

Copyright © 2017 Elsevier Inc.

All rights reserved.

In Chapter 6, Achieving and Maintaining Individual Resilience, we

described a teenager who was sexually victimized during the Age of

Intimacy (Hendrix’s sixth stage) and experienced years of traumatic dis-

tress and dysfunction. After eight emotionally painful years, this young

woman finally made a choice to survive and thrive. She entered the

RILEE Age of Choice—the Seventh Stage added by Nemeth, Ray, and

Schexnayder (2003). As the authors stated, “When you create joy, main-

tain a balanced emotional state, and generate productive thoughts and

behaviors consistently over time, then you have chosen the RILEE path”

(p. 36). That is what this young woman did. Via therapy, she chose to

resolve her emotional trauma and move forward. She chose freedom. She

chose to complete a bachelor’s degree, develop a healthy intimate rela-

tionship, and set goals for the future. She chose hope.

Hope is an integral component of resilience. This young woman

made a decision to believe in herself, which is precisely how Lopez and

his colleagues define hope (Lopez, Rose, Robinson, Marques, & Pais-

Ribeiro, 2009). This young woman is no longer thwarted or controlled

by her trauma; she is in the process of becoming.

Snyder and colleagues have written extensively on the concept of hope

and how its strength manifests in our daily lives. The authors describe a

recipe for hope that involve three simple ingredients: setting clear goals

that reflect meaning and your personal values; developing a plan to achieve

your goals; and sustaining your motivation to persevere (Nemeth &

Whittington, 2012; Snyder et al., 2000).

In spite of her years of traumatic distress, this young woman chose to

rebuild herself. Yes, she struggled. Yes, she had setbacks, even a

hospitalization, but she kept on. Eventually, she regained her hope, her

self-esteem, and her self-worth. Via therapy, these were gifts she gave to

herself. Although they were torn from her in adolescence, although the

struggle took years, she chose to overcome.

IT ALL STARTS IN CHILDHOOD

Resilience and hope are intertwined. Both are planted in early childhood.

According to Snyder, Lopez, Shorey, Rand, & Feldman (2003), some

may be classified as “higher hope” children and others are likely to be

“lower hope” children (p. 124). Higher hope children are resilient, flexi-

ble, and adaptive. They are emotionally, psychologically, and socially

well-balanced. According to Snyder, Hoza et al., these competent

124 Innovative Approaches to Individual and Community Resilience

children are optimistic, whereas lower hope children are quite pessimistic.

The latter children are prone to develop performance anxiety, self-doubt,

ruminative thinking, and depression (Snyder et al., 1997, as cited in

Snyder et al., 2003).

Higher hope children are creative, scholarly, and excellent problem-

solvers. They tend to feel satisfied and appropriately satiated, whereas

lower hope children tend to be unsatisfied and unsatiated. Nothing pleases

them. There is no joy. Yet, joy does not fall from the sky. It is created. It

is a gift that we choose to give ourselves.

JOY VERSUS HAPPINESS

Timothy Showalter, in a February 17, 2017 interview with Steve Inskeep

of National Public Radio (NPR), stated that “to live a joyful life is differ-

ent than living a happy life.” This rather tough-looking singer/songwriter

from Goshen, Indiana, apparently understood the difference. As

Showalter stated, “Happiness is fleeting. Happiness is something that

you’re always going to reach for but you’re never gonna quite get or be

satisfied with.” Instead, Showalter defined joy as “being fully engaged in

life, whether it goes well or badly” (Inskeep, 2017).

That is what resilient people do. “The thrill of victory and the agony

of defeat” as they used to say on the Wide World of Sports TV Program

(1978), is what joy is all about. Full engagement no matter what the out-

come! When children are allowed to go for the gusto, so to speak, they

learn that the process is just as important as the outcome. Sometimes, the

journey might even be more important.

HOPE CAN BE FOSTERED

Lopez, Boukwamp, Edwards, and Teramoto Pedrotti (2000) developed a

classroom intervention program for elementary, middle, and/or high

school students called “Making Hope Happen.” Their findings reveal that

hope can be fostered. Even those who have been victimized and/or trau-

matized, or who have observed such abuse, can learn to be hopeful.

According to Snyder et al., all students, even those with lower hope

and those with fewer skills, can benefit from these group-based school

programs (Snyder et al., 2003). These students’ progress was measured by

either the Children’s Hope Scale for younger children or the Hope Scale

125Promoting Resilience and Fostering Hope

for age 15 and above. In the program, their values, interests, and abilities

were tapped; and their well-defined, nonabstract, goals were set.

Children then learned “stepping.” They learned to develop “pathways

of thinking” (Snyder et al., 2003), to develop sequences or smaller goals

that are required to reach their ultimate goals. They also learned to

develop “Plan B” or alternative pathways, just in case they hit a road-

block. Children learned “stretch” goals as well (p. 130), which were

defined as goals that simultaneously provided challenge and motivation.

As it is evident from this research, children can learn to make healthy

choices.

Teaching students to keep a diary of their ongoing self-talk is also

quite important, especially for lower hope children who have been condi-

tioned to negative self-talk. “I’m not important,” “I can’t succeed,” and

“I don’t matter” are common themes for these children. These messages

must be neutralized. Most children, according to Snyder and colleagues,

are surprised to re-read their diaries and to see how poisonous their self-

talk really is.

We recommend neutralizing these destructive messages by inviting

children to “flip the thought” and to think the exact opposite of their

negative thought. So “I am going to fail this test” then becomes “I am

going to ace this test.” Or “nobody will like my speech” becomes “every-

body will love my speech;” or “I am ugly” is changed to “I am

beautiful.”

One of the first responses we often hear from children is, “But that’s

not true.” We then remind the children that their negative thought is also

not true, and we invite them to choose the more comforting, less distres-

sing thought.

COMFORT VERSUS DISTRESS

According to Bowlby (1969), comfort and distress are our two earliest

affective experiences. Nemeth et al. (2003) hypothesize that all other feel-

ings are learned during the Six Developmental Stages described by

Hendrix (1992, 1989). When things go wrong during these stages, chil-

dren introject very negative messages and learn very maladaptive ways of

thinking and dysfunctional ways of behaving. Therefore, lower hope stu-

dents are at a higher risk of dropping out of school.

According to a May 12, 2012 story in the Times-Picayune, reporter

Cindy Chang described Louisiana as “the world’s prison capital.”

126 Innovative Approaches to Individual and Community Resilience

She reported that Louisiana’s incarceration rate is almost twice that of

the national average with little opportunity for education and/or training.

As Ms. Chang highlighted, “every dollar spent on prisons is a dollar not

spent on schools, hospitals, and highways.” In 2012, there were approxi-

mately 40,000 inmates in Louisiana prisons at a cost of $182 million a

year. As Buck Foster, a former Professor at the University of Louisiana-

Lafayette and an expert on Louisiana prisons, noted, “You have people

who are invested in maintaining the present system” (Chang, 2012).

Lastly, although elementary school reading scores reportedly do not pre-

dict future inmate populations (Graves, 2010), “one in three Louisiana

prisoners reads below a fifth grade level” (Chang, 2012). So what chance

do they have for rehabilitation? They have little hope and no resilience.

They are doomed; most of them remain in prison until they die.

If we do not wish our children to end up in jail, we must foster resil-

iency skills and hopeful thinking as early as possible. Currently, Louisiana

has the highest per capita incarceration rate of any state in the United

States (Chang, 2012). This must change. Not only can we not financially

afford this level of incarceration, but—more important—we also cannot

emotionally or socially afford this pathway for our youth. As a society, we

are failing our children. Education needs to include skill building and

positive thinking. It needs to help our children to develop positive mem-

ories to sustain them on their lives’ journeys. It needs to be about creat-

ing joy. All children, regardless of their home environment, must

be taught to create joy. They must learn to (1) Believe in themselves,

(2) Think wholesome thoughts, (3) Focus on positive feelings, and

(4) Choose healthy behaviors. Children must also learn to process their

choices in a responsive, rather than reactive, manner.

TEACHING SEQUENCES

Birnbaum (2013, Table 8.1) identifies two types of sequences: The

Rational Sequence and the Ideological Sequence.

Table 8.1 Birnbaum’s rational and ideological sequences Rationale Ideology

Ready Ready

Aim Fire

Fire Aim

127Promoting Resilience and Fostering Hope

Too many people are using ideology rather than logical thought to

guide their behaviors. These reactions, rather than responsive, contempla-

tive choices, are creating havoc all over the world. Children must be

taught logical, careful, goal-oriented sequencing.

THE GOAL OF CHILD DEVELOPMENT

The goal of child development, whether at home, at school, or in the

community, must be to help children learn to be self-sufficient, caring,

productive adults who contribute to their families and their communities

and who understand the balance between work, family, and play

(Nemeth et al., 2003). Basically, the goal of healthy child development is

to produce resilient adults. As former First Lady Jacqueline Kennedy said

in the early 1960s, “If you bungle raising your children, I don’t think

whatever else you do will matter very much” (The Mini Page, 2017).

MANAGING ANXIETY AND ANGER

In order to promote resilience, children must learn to manage anxiety

and anger. If they do not learn how to develop these major skills of emo-

tional development, they will become quite ideologically reactive. They

will behave impulsively and create a path of destruction wherever they

go. Anxious children may not be able to identify exactly what they are

feeling, but they sense discomfort. As they have not learned to recognize,

label, and share their feelings with others, they simply react in pain. They

bungle it. After they have reacted, they may feel relieved, but ashamed.

Angry children, however, can usually identify what they are feeling. After

they react, they feel powerful, but lost. Their peers no longer want to be

friends with them or connect to them. These children need to learn how

to be powerful in wise ways. They need to learn to relate.

Children must learn to identify, label, and share their anxiety. Basic

information, such as defining anxiety, explaining the various ways anxiety

can present, and knowing what to do about it, is very important. We

have found the work of Gary Emery, PhD, very helpful in this regard.

ANXIETY MANAGEMENT

One of our “go to” programs for anxiety self-management is Overcoming

Anxiety, by Emery (1987). We have come to rely on Dr. Emery’s clear

128 Innovative Approaches to Individual and Community Resilience

and effective approach to help people understand and cope with anxiety.

This audio series has served us well in our practice over the years.

Although many more recent approaches are available, we continue to rely

on this efficacious program.

Emery defines anxiety as “An emotional reaction to a distorted and

unrealistic appraisal of a situation.” He also points out that “Thinking creates

anxiety [and] ideas about anxiety make it even more frightful” (1987).

He then notes that anxious symptoms may be fourfold: “Thinking,

Emotional, Behavioral, and/or Physiological” (1987). Many people, espe-

cially children, have a very limited understanding of how anxiety can

manifest physiologically. Most unknowing adults think that they are hav-

ing a heart attack. This is unlikely, however, as many of these adults have

been medically cleared by their physician and referred for anxiety man-

agement. Yet, never say never!

To examine the myriad of ways that anxiety can present, patients are

invited to complete a Self-Esteem Inventory. As low self-esteem is corre-

lated with lower hope and significant levels of anxiety and/or depression,

this is very useful. Some of the symptoms that may be present include,

but are not limited to, the following: Confused; Unable to direct think-

ing; Difficulty concentarting; Edgy; Tense; Anxious; Avoidant;

Restlessness; Hyperventilation; Palpitations; Shortness of breath; Nausea.

Many people, for example, do not understand that anxiety is a mood

state. Thus, according to Emery, “What you think about and how you

view the world will depend on your current mood. When you’re in an

anxious mood, your mind often wants to stay in that mood. With a drop

in mood comes a drop in awareness. Focus creates energy. Thus, when

you try to control your anxiety, you get more of it” (1987).

Emery then describes appropriate and inappropriate anxiety. For

example, “Fear is appropriate if a real danger, which you are unable to

handle, is present. Most of the time, when you are in a state of fear, you

maximize the danger and minimize your ability to handle it” (1987).

The roots of anxiety and distorted thinking are then outlined as fol-

lows: “Your fear comes from some unknown source. When thinking is

distorted, anxiety symptoms and motivation becomes activated. Many of

your beliefs you developed as a child. You developed your self-image

early in life. Your need to protect your ego or self-image reveals itself in

the need for approval, the need for control, and the need to feel compe-

tent. Your needs, for approval, control, and competence, are powerful

sources of anxiety” (1987).

129Promoting Resilience and Fostering Hope

These are usually the three intertwined components of anxiety; there-

fore, the needs for Approval, Control, and Competence must all be

assessed. The next step is to explore which of these needs represents your

“Achilles Heel,” so to speak. Dr. Emery then offers the following cogni-

tive approaches to correct anxiety distractions.

a) The way to decrease your anxiety is to allow yourself to feel anxious b) Attempts to avoid anxiety keep it alive c) Emotions are signals to yourself from your brain telling you how to adapt to

your environment. When you accept the signal the brain stops sending it. d) The trick is to accept the anxiety and stay in the situation. e) Anxiety is simply a signal to yourself and is no more dangerous than Morse

code (1987).

This is followed by inviting people to accept, rather than resist, their

anxiety.

ACCEPTANCE

Dr. Emery refers to the following as his “Awake Strategy,” which has five

specific components.

1. Accept the anxiety. Webster defines accepting as “giving consent to receive.” Welcome it. Say “hello” out loud to yourself when it appears. Say, “I’ll gladly accept this.” Decide to be with the experience. Don’t fight it. Replace your rejection, anger, and hatred of it with acceptance. By resisting, you’re prolonging the unpleasantness of it. Instead, flow with it. Don’t make it responsible for how you think, feel, and act.

2. Watch your anxiety. Look at it without judgement—not good, not bad. Don’t look at it as an unwelcomed guest. Instead, rate it on a 0�10 scale and watch it go up and down. Be detached. Remember, you’re not your anxiety. The more you can separate yourself from the experience, the more you can just watch it. Look at your thoughts, feelings, and actions as if you’re a friendly, but not overly concerned, bystander. Dissociate your basic self from the anxiety. In short, be in the anxiety state, but not of it.

3. Act as if you aren’t anxious. Normalize the situation. Act with the anxiety. Function with it. Slow down if you have to, but keep going. Breathe slowly and normally. If you run from the situation your anxiety will go down, but your fear will go up. If you stay, both your anxiety and your fear will go down.

4. Keep repeating the first three steps. Continue to 1) Accept your anxiety, 2) watch it, and 3) act as if you aren’t anxious until it goes down to a comfortable level. It will, if you continue to accept, watch, and act with it. Just keep repeating these three steps: accept, watch, and act as if you aren’t anxious.

130 Innovative Approaches to Individual and Community Resilience

5. Expect the best. What you fear the most rarely happens. However, don’t be surprised the next time you have anxiety. Instead, surprise yourself with how you handle it. As long as you’re alive, you will have some anxiety” (1987).

The following ideas are offered by Emery to “catch distorted

thoughts” and restructure thinking:

1. Tell yourself you are going to “catch” your thinking 2. Own your own experiences 3. Approach what you fear 4. When you shudder, catch the images and thoughts that cause the

shudder. 5. Experience fully the feelings you are trying to shut off. 6. Identify your inconsistences 7. Reward yourself when you catch a thought 8. Track your fears until you get back to the original fear. 9. Try to establish the significance of the event.

10. Slow your mind down.

Emery then describes why facing what you fear is so important in

overcoming anxiety. He outlines the following:

1. When you avoid what you fear you experience anxiety. 2. Avoidance energizes fear because it keeps you from finding things out 3. You learn to deal with your anxiety when you are able to face it. 4. You generally use three avoidance mechanisms:

a. You leave the frightening situation. b. You seek out assurance by continually reappraising the degree of threat. c. You respond by freezing.

Emery points out that “the overall strategy is to do the opposite of

what you are doing to avoid your anxiety” (1987). This is consistent with

our “flip the thought” strategy.

Lastly, Emery encourages people to think behaviorally and learn Self-

Trust.

SELF-TRUST5 SELF ESTEEM

Self-trust is a matter of perception. In fact, Dillon & Benson (2001)

define self-esteem as “the combination of how you perceive yourself and

the value you place on the multi-dimensional self you see” (p. 10). It is

composed of three parts:

1. What we believe about ourselves?

2. How we feel about ourselves?

3. How we behave or treat ourselves?

131Promoting Resilience and Fostering Hope

Self-esteem is also a gift we give ourselves. It is a choice. There are

six domains of self-esteem or self-worth (Dillon & Benson, 2001).

Throughout their book, The Woman’s Guide to Total Self-Esteem, they

emphasize that the following, which apply equally to men and women,

are crucial aspects of developing self-esteem:

1. Relating to others in positive ways.

2. Expressing your personality through positive means.

3. Recognizing and understanding how you are appreciated by others.

4. Recognizing your intelligence and creativity.

5. Focusing on the good you do in the world.

6. Examining the ways in which you pursue what matters most to you in

life.

These aspects of self-esteem require the development of the following

good habits: self-acceptance (as is); being nonjudgmental; and being pro-

self. Most important, these habits promote resilience. Resilience can be

fostered by “crisis proofing” oneself. According to Dillon and Benson

(2001), it consists of the following (pp. 144�145):

1. Seeking balance in all ways.

2. Focusing on the interactive body/mind/spirit connection.

3. Taking care of others starts with taking care of yourself first.

4. Staying in the present—remember the past is gone and the future is

yet to be.

5. Treating yourself with loving kindness.

6. Remaining hopeful.

RESILIENCE AND EMOTIONAL BALANCE

One of the most important aspects of resilience is emotional balance,

which is defined by Dillon and Benson (2001) as “the ability to restore

calm when you are upset, get going when you are in a slump, and retain

a capacity to think even in the face of intense emotions” (p. 84).

Recognizing, labeling, and sharing your feelings allows you to monitor

and self-regulate your feelings, before—not after—you lose control.

Dillon and Benson (2001) recommend “being in charge of your feelings,

rather than having your feelings be in charge of you” (p. 84). They con-

clude that “anger is often a disguise worn by more vulnerable feelings

such as sadness, hurt, and fear” (p. 85).

In the next section we will discuss Anger Management. Dillon and

Benson (2001), however, recommend that self-soothing strategies are a

132 Innovative Approaches to Individual and Community Resilience

must! These strategies include, but are not limited to, the following:

Containing, Releasing, Voicing, Relaxing, Stretching, Walking,

Breathing, and Rocking (pp. 90�97). All are designed to increase com-

fort and reduce distress.

ANGER MANAGEMENT

Nemeth et al. believe that “healthy emotional expression involves sharing

your feelings without deliberately hurting yourself or someone else. In a

healthy RILEE family, sharing real feelings in a respectful way can lead to

resolution. Resolution creates joy, even if that resolution is difficult.

Having things resolved provides amazing relief and offers an opportunity

to become closer” (Nemeth et al., 2003, p. 47). The key here is that reso-

lution involves taking responsibility for your actions and having others

pay attention to your concerns without intimidation. This can lead to

empathy.

Empathy, or “being able to recognize and understand others’ viewpoints,”

can be learned. But it must be practiced (Nemeth et al., 2003, p. 49).

Without empathy, people tend to be at war with their world. They

are unable to interact rationally. They react with an ideological view that

creates misery. They do not care about the effect of their behavior on

others. Power and control are the desired results. The cost is irrelevant.

In a civilized society, however, the cost is relevant. Therefore, children

must learn to sense, feel, and think before choosing an action (Nemeth

et al., 2003, p. 58). In this manner, they can remain mindfully in the pres-

ent while at the same time planning forward movement. Those who have

experienced arrested development may react as they did in the past. They

may become mired in that old affective theme and find themselves unable

to move forward. Like a broken record, angry people, who are develop-

mentally arrested, do not move forward. They just keep reacting the same

way over and over again. They are stuck in the past. They are not free.

IGNITING ANGER

Murphy and Oberlin (2001), define four stages of anger (Table 8.2). If

the experience is not processed and resolved in the present, similar events

are likely to occur in the future.

For Prevention, Murphy and Oberlin suggest that adults do the fol-

lowing: address the child’s immediate needs, avoid unnecessary frustration,

133Promoting Resilience and Fostering Hope

talk calmly, teach problem-solving skills, and understand the child’s devel-

opmental level.

For Diffusion, the following are suggested: finding the true source of

the problem, remaining calm, being a good listener, matching the face

and the feelings, clarifying the rules, and offering diversion.

For Containment, a cooling off period is useful as are staying calm,

separating entanglements, avoiding threats and bargaining, and restating

disciplinary agreements.

For Resolution, talking things out is essential as are teaching better

problem-solving skills, managing outbursts before they escalate, having

regular family meetings, and being consistent with discipline (Nemeth

et al., 2003).

Although these ideas were written for anger management with chil-

dren, most can also apply to adult interactions.

As we reviewed the various signs of anxiety earlier in this chapter, we

will now identify the warning signs of anger. According to Nemeth et al.

(2003), physiological warning signs include a flushing face, sweating, feel-

ing hot, staring intensely, tightening lips, stiffening body, avoiding eye

contact, squinting eyes, looking disgusted, and breathing shallowly. These

warning signs are all a part of the Build Up. When people start exhibit-

ing any of these “red alert” signs, so to speak, they are moving toward an

Explosion. Then, the slightest comment can Spark or ignite their anger.

But why choose anger? Perhaps it is a defense or a stopper, or a

weapon to make a child or an adult feel. In the end, however, it damages

relationships and the Aftermath can have serious consequences.

10 DEFENSIVE TRAITS

According to Murphy and Oberlin (2001, as cited in Nemeth et al.,

2003), angry children have 10 major defensive traits:

1. They make their own misery.

2. They cannot analyze problems.

Table 8.2 Murphy and Oberlin’s four stages of anger Stage Dynamic Intervention goal

The Build Up The past Prevention

The Spark The event Diffusion

The Explosion The reaction Containment

The Aftermath The result Resolution

134 Innovative Approaches to Individual and Community Resilience

3. They blame others for their misfortune.

4. They turn bad feelings into mad feelings.

5. They lack empathy.

6. They attack people rather than solve problems.

7. They use anger to gain power.

8. They indulge in destructive self-talk.

9. They confuse anger with self-esteem.

10. They can be nice when they want to be.

ANGRY CHILDREN BECOME ANGRY ADULTS

Without early intervention, angry children become angry adults. As they

haven’t learned to recognize, label, or share their more vulnerable feelings

and/or needs, their anger tends to surface instead. Therefore, nothing

gets resolved. Without early and/or adult intervention, they become and

remain developmentally arrested in Hendrix’s Stage 2. These adults typi-

cally have toxic relationships, which do not last. As they do not know

how to connect, these angry adults keep making the same mistakes over

and over again. They are not resilient.

CHANGE CAN HAPPEN

Yes, change can happen; but it takes courage and a desire to change life-

long angry traits. Nemeth et al. (2003) suggest changing angry traits to

RILEE traits by substituting

1. Joy for misery

2. Clarity for confusion

3. Responsibility for blaming

4. Good feelings for bad feelings

5. Empathy for disdain

6. Positive choices for defensive choices

7. Relatedness for control

8. Constructive self-talk for destructive self-talk

9. Mastery for power

10. Kindness for manipulation

KINDNESS CAN HELP

Robin L. Flanigan espouses “The Kindness Cure” (2017). She points out

that “self-criticism is only going to keep you stuck—especially if it’s

135Promoting Resilience and Fostering Hope

fueling depression and anxiety. Replacing disapproval and judgement

with self-compassion allows you to accept your flaws, real or perceived,

in a way that strengthens mental wellness” (p. 29). It also strengthens

resilience. Kristin Neff, PhD, is cited by Flanigan for her research on self-

compassion. Neff “breaks self-compassion into three dimensions:

self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness” (p. 30). She points

out that there is a societal misconception about self-kindness, suggesting

that it is either self-indulgent or narcissist. We agree with the author that

this misperception must be changed. Self-kindness, which one of our

women’s therapy groups labeled as “pro-self,” is an important ingredient

in being able to establish and maintain Intimacy (Hendrix Stage 6; 1998,

1992).

Why be harsh when you can be kind? Introjecting negative messages

from parents and/or society in general is so damaging. These externally

based messages are bad enough, so why add internal ones to them? In this

way, we destroy hope.

FOSTERING HOPE

Instead of destroying hope with either externally or internally based nega-

tive self-talk, we must contain these messages and create hope. “Hope

matters,” as Lopez succinctly stated in his 2010 lecture to the Louisiana

Psychological Association’s members. In quoting President John

Fitzgerald Kennedy, Lopez noted, “We must think and act not only for

the moment, but for our time” (Lopez, 2010).

Our time is now and resiliency is needed to sustain it and create a

meaningful future. We must be high-hope people, who, as Lopez defined,

are “people who believe that the future will be better than the present

and. . . have the power to make it so.” He quoted Snyder’s definition of

hope as “a life-sustaining force that is rooted in our relationship with the

future” (Lopez, 2010). So, how do we foster hope? Just as Antoine de

Saint-Exupery did—by teaching people “to long for the endless immen-

sity” (Cottmeyer, 2016) of the future. . . a future that is filled with possi-

bilities. As Lopez stated, there is such “excitement that comes from

pursuing your goals, discovering and using your strengths, and collaborat-

ing with others” (Lopez, 2010). Having hope makes you feel like you

matter.

136 Innovative Approaches to Individual and Community Resilience

How does this happen? As Showalter (2017) states, by enjoying the

journey. With positive self-messages, laughter, faith, and love, hope does

spring eternal. But, Lopez (2010) notes that you must:

1. Define it for yourself.

2. Find it wherever you can.

3. Encourage hopeful bonding to others.

4. Create ways of exchanging hope and

5. Remind yourself daily of the benefits of being hopeful.

PROMOTING RESILIENCE

To summarize, hope must be clearly defined. It can be both a trait of the

heart and a state of the mind. It flourishes in healthy relationships. It can

be crystalized to form good memories. Daily reflections, mini-

interventions, reconnections, and clear definitions of goals and objectives

all combine to nourish both the heart and the mind. This is how we pro-

mote resilience.

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138 Innovative Approaches to Individual and Community Resilience