Group Observation

Hi Yussuf,

It was great to learn about the Bridges International program. You provided a great deal of information about the way this group works. I think you make it very clear how the overall organization communicates with its members.

However, I am concerned that there does not appear to be any direct observations contained in the essay. In other words, I don't see you describing specific meetings that you have been to. It may be that some of the meetings you mention are meetings that you have been to, but you do not specifically describe what you observed while you were there.

This is an essential part of the assignment, so I want to be sure that you have performed these observations and that you include them in the essay. Your evaluation of the overall organization, and its communication through electronic means, is presented in a thorough manner. But we need to see how that translates to the members at TCU. You should include your direct observations of how the organization's methods and goals play out on the individual group level.

I see a number of areas in your text that lack some clarity due to your word choices. I have noted in the past, with other students for whom English is a second language, that there is often a desire to vary word choice. And this sometimes results in choosing words that do not capture the intended meaning of the author. If you rely on a thesaurus, or other reference material, to vary your word choice, I recommend choosing the simplest words to get your point across. It's okay to use the same words over again, especially if you're not sure if a different word works as well. It's better that your message be clear, rather than worrying about repetitive language.

Here are some examples of places in the essay where I think your word choice confuses your meaning. On page three, you talk about

international students having a "successful landing." I wasn't sure here if you meant their literal landing in an airplane, or if this was a metaphorical use of the word. You could clarify this with some explanation.

Near the bottom of page four, you use the word "correspondence," and I think you mean this in reference to the text of the blog posts. "Correspondence" typically refers to mail or emails, so I do not think the word works here. You could probably just continue saying, "posts."

On page seven, you talk about people not setting up a "parallel organization." In this case, I think your word choice definitely fits. But I don't think your reader will understand your meaning, as they may not be familiar with the idea of organizations not wanting people to compete with them. I think more specific language here would improve understanding.

Also on page seven, you use the phrase, "catchment area," and I'm really not sure what this means. I think it might be a reference back to the idea of "fishing," from a few sentences before this. I understand this as a metaphor, but I don't think the metaphor is clear enough. Is the "catchment area" meant to be a place where one catches fish? And is this meant to imply that the social media platforms are where the organization can reach people? I think this needs a little more explanation, and perhaps different wording. I've never heard of a "catchment area" in reference to fishing.

I note that you have chosen APA style for this essay, which is perfectly fine. But it also looks as though you are following a format that organizes the essay into various topics, through the use of headings. This is not necessary for this assignment. I prefer that you organize the essay based on the structure that you think works best. Rather than using headings to separate subjects, I would like you to transition from one subject to another through the use of language. When you begin a new

paragraph, include signal phrases that make it clear how the new subject relates to the previous subject.

Additionally, I think that your introduction paragraph consists of too much explanation about the essay itself. There are some forms of essays that require this, but it is not necessary for our assignment. I prefer that students not refer to the essay itself in their writing, as this calls too much attention to the fact that it is an assignment. Your writing should make it clear why you have written about the subject without having to tell the reader directly. I think that if you remove all references to the essay, and why you have written it, the rest of the text already makes it clear why you are writing about the subject.

Likewise, do not refer directly to the audience for the essay. An essay audience is something you should just keep in mind while you are writing an essay, in terms of how you should speak to that audience. Likewise, this helps to determine what concepts and language you need to explain for your reader.

Lastly, since you have a References page for the material you referenced from the Bridges International website, you need to format your citation in a manner consistent with APA guidelines. Likewise, you should include in-text citations in your essay any time you provide information taken directly from the website.

For your revisions, it's going to be important that you identify how Bridges International is present on TCU's campus. You mention at one point that the group does not have a hierarchical structure, though you had not previously mentioned this. It sounds as though each individual group is self-governing, as long as it meets the guidelines of the larger group.

You should establish at the very start of your essay that there is a group at TCU, and that they are the primary focus of your piece. All of the other information you have provided is helpful to understanding the

organization as a whole, but you should include a lot more information about the specific group on TCU's campus. I don't get the sense of what that group is like at all. I don't think you even specify that there is a group on TCU's campus. I hope that you have completed some direct observations of the group so that you have information to draw on for your revisions.

In this same vein, you sometimes mention meetings in the essay, and I'm not sure where they occur. Are you referring to meetings at TCU? For example, on page seven, you talk about weekly meetings. I imagine that there are similar meetings on all of the campuses where Bridges International is present. But when you say, "They hold a weekly meeting," it reads as though you are saying there is one weekly meeting that occurs for all students who are part of Bridges International. And I don't think this is what you mean. This will likely need some re-wording. It may also become clearer as you revise the essay to be more focused on the group at TCU.

There are some technical writing issues I think you should pay attention to, as they can have a great impact on your meaning. One of the main issues I see is with the use of vague pronouns, like "they" or "their." It is sometimes unclear who you are referring to when you use these words. Usually, it is because you have not specifically identified the group you are referring to recently, in your text.

For example, near the top of page three, you state, "In your initial days, they offered transportation..." I'm pretty sure you're talking about Bridges International, but this is not clear, because you more recently referred to the international students. Since both "international students" and "Bridges International" refer to groups of people, it is unclear which of them you are referring to when you say, "they." For this reason, you should re-establish who you are speaking about whenever there is potential for your reader to confuse one group of people with another.

So, you might try re-wording the sentence something like this: "In your initial days, Bridges International offers transportation..."

There are several examples of vague pronoun use throughout your essay, for instance: "They present the U.S. (page 4), "they reach out" (page 5), and "their advantages" (page 6). Look through your essay for any use of "they" or "their," and ask yourself if there could be any confusion as to who you're speaking about. Make changes to your wording, as necessary.

Another pronoun issue you should attend to is the use of the words, "you" or "your." Using these pronouns in an essay directly includes the reader in the subject you're discussing. But in most cases, you're talking about scenarios that many people who read your essay will not likely experience. Rather than using, "you," try using "one" instead. You do this once or twice in the essay, already.

One thing I notice, that does not necessarily impede understanding of your essay, but makes your writing wordier than it needs to be, is when you use the word, "the" before a noun.

For example, "the testimonies," "the natural areas," or "the details." It is not necessary to include the word, "the," before a noun, unless you need to make it clear to your reader that you are referring back to a noun that you previously identified. You can remove the word, "the," before most of its uses before nouns in your essay.

There are some other areas in your essay that I think would benefit from more explanation, as your meaning is not clear. For example, when you say, "past experiences of the services offered," on page four, I think you are talking about past experiences of Bridges International's services, as related by people who have utilized their services. This could use some re-wording to make it clearer.

On page five, you refer to "the meeting" in the middle of a paragraph, but it's not clear what meeting you're referring to. You've just mentioned "conferences and seminars," but you haven't mentioned one specific meeting. Your reader will be confused about what meeting you're talking about. Identify the meeting before referring to it.

On page six, I'm not sure if by "small groups and locations" you mean actual, physical groups and locations, or something virtual. Since you're speaking about links on the website that take people to these groups and locations, it reads as though you're just referring to different pages on the website. But I wondered if you meant real locations. This could use some additional explanation.

At the bottom of page six, you mention people "at the bottom," but I'm not sure what this refers to. Does this mean at the bottom of the organization? If so, what does it mean for people to be "at the bottom?"

Likewise, you often refer to people "on the ground," and I'm not sure if this refers to representatives of the organization who meet with students at the various universities, or if you mean the individual students who make up the groups. This could use additional explanation, as well.

Lastly, when you talk about the "depth" of the networking system, on page seven, I'm not sure what it means for a networking system to have depth. Does this refer to the number of people who interact with the social media accounts? This may need to be re-worded or explained.

The main thing you need to focus on for your revisions is including a great deal of personal observations of the group, as it functions at TCU. As previously stated, this is the primary goal of the assignment. If any of my above comments refer to sections that you think should be removed, do not feel that you have to include them because I commented on them. It's okay to remove whole sections if they are not relevant to the group at TCU.

For example, the section where you talk about national parks does not seem relevant in either case. I understand that they organize outings for students, but we do not necessarily need information about the parks themselves (unless you want to talk about one of these outings that you have been to).

I know this is a lot. I think you are very capable of writing a cohesive essay. But I do think you should consider getting additional assistance through the Writing Center (whether that's with me, when I am working there, or through a different tutor, depending on when you can make an appointment). I think that this will help you a great deal with your writing, in general.

Please let me know if you have any questions. I look forward to reading your revisions.