Work 5

Hello Yusuf,

    Excellent work on your first draft. I learned a lot from reading your essay. I think you have been very thorough in explaining the ways in which Somali immigrants have had to adapt to the United States.

    For your final draft, I would like you to focus on developing your thesis statement. I believe your current thesis statement comes at the end of your first paragraph, when you state, "However, despite the negative experiences, Somali refugees in America have ensured that they stick by their culture since it defines their personality and originality." I believe you could use some more specific wording here. How have they ensured this? Rather than saying that they have ensured it, state what they have done to ensure it.

    Also, it's clear to me how their culture defines their personality, but I'm not sure what you mean by "originality." I don't feel that you discuss this in the essay as much as you do "personality." I wondered if you might be looking for a similar word with a slightly different meaning. To me, "originality" implies one's ability to develop new ideas. But I think you may be talking about the qualities that make Somali people different from

others. Is this correct? See if you can find a more specific word to get your meaning across.

    There are a couple pieces of information I believe will be necessary for you to establish early on in the essay. First, what does the word, "Bantu," signify? Is this word used to identify any Somali refugee? Is it a particular type of person within the Somali refugee community? You do not use the word in the body of your essay until the bottom of page four, but it seems to be important to your essay. Establish what this means in your first paragraph. I believe you should also establish in your first paragraph that Islam is the primary (or only?) religion of the Somali people. This will clarify some of the points you make elsewhere in the essay.

    There are a few areas within your essay where missing wording is confusing your meaning. For example, on page two, you say, "However, despite the traumas experienced war breakout in Somali, the refugees experienced maltreatment and alienation because of the negative experiences." There seems to be a word or words missing from the beginning part of the sentence. How do the concepts of "traumas experienced" and "war breakout in Somali" relate to one another? Include language that makes this connection clear.

    It's also not clear to me whether the "negative experiences" mentioned at the end of the sentence are the traumas from the beginning of the sentence, or something else. Some more specific wording could clarify this.

    Another example occurs shortly after this, when you state, "The challenges have been instigated especially with..." It is unclear what challenges you're referring to, and I'm not sure that "instigated" adequately captures the meaning you're intending. I believe you mean that the language barrier has been one of the most significant challenges in the attempts by Somali refugees to adapt to American society. I believe you just need to revise your wording so it is clear what challenges you're referring to, and choose a more precise word than "instigated."

    Also, throughout your essay, it is not always clear to me how much of the text is summarized from your source material, and how much represents your original ideas. This should be clarified by introducing your source in your writing (i.e. - "Sandra Grady, a blah-blah-blah professor who studies immigrant cultures at such-and-such university") the very first time you include information from that source.

    You have included in-text citations when you first include information from your sources, but you also need to make it clear when you have finished including information from a particular source. This can be accomplished by including an additional in-text citation at the end of a section in which you include information from that source. You may also clarify this by including in- text citations multiple times throughout the section where information from one source is included. Also, see my notes on your References page for some questions I have about your sources.

    On page three, I think you need to clarify the point you make about schooling for both elderly and young refugees. I think you mean to say that elderly Somali refugees receive no education in America, whereas younger Somali refugees do. But your language needs to be a little more specific, because it's not clear where you're saying said education is coming from.

    At first, I thought maybe you meant that the elderly Somali refugees received no education in their entire lives, regardless of where they were living. I believe you mean to emphasize that younger refugees have an easier time adapting to

American society, because they attend school in America. Revise your wording to clarify this point.

    In this same vein, your use of the word, "Furthermore," confuses your meaning in this section, when you say, "Furthermore, young refugees have had exposure..." I believe you are presenting a notion that is contrary to what occurred with elderly refugees. If that is the case, you should use a different introductory word for this sentence, as "furthermore" indicates an additional point, whereas I think you really mean to make a contrary point. Consider what words might more clearly indicate this.

    Another place where I believe your meaning is confused by your wording is when you say, on page three, "America has massive Western civilization since it is an already established state." America is a part of Western civilization. It can't really possess Western civilization. I think that you intend to say to your reader that America has a significant amount of cultural differences from the Somali people, which is understandable, since it is an already established society. Consider how you might revise your wording to better express this.

    I understand your points about the traditional roles of men and women in Somali society, but I was confused by your use of the word, "providence." What does it mean for a man to be placed in charge of providence? Does this word adequately capture your intended meaning? Look up the definition and see if it fits. Consider whether a different word would work better.

    There were a number of areas where I had difficulty understanding your meaning on page four. When you say, "They remained adamant and avoided changing their outcomes," I think the word "outcomes" does not quite capture your intended meaning. I'm not sure what exactly was meant here. Check the definition.

    Also, it's not entirely clear who "they" refers to here, because I think you were referring to Americans in the previous sentence when you said, "they." You may need to reestablish who you are talking about.

    A little while after this, you state, "their full production in the companies without failure." I'm not sure what their "full production" is, and there seems to be some words missing in the sentence in general. How does space and time interfere

with their duties as employees? I can imagine, but state it precisely so your reader understands.

    Just after this, you state, "changing the working systems through the human resource management systems...a minority demand's case." I believe you need to include some more specific wording here to explain what kind of changes you're talking about. I'm not sure if it's necessary to state that this occurred through human resources departments.

    I think you could also use some more specific language when you say, "a minority demand's case." Who is the minority (I know it's the Somali refugees, but you should state this). I'm also not sure you need to include the word, "case." A "demand" is already a noun, and I believe they had multiple demands. So, you could probably just use the plural noun and remove, "case."

    Moving into page five, you state that the Somali Bantu have "slowly been shaken and incorporated to the systems." I'm not sure what "shaken" means in this context. I believe either a different word or additional wording is necessary to get your meaning across.

    When you talk about dress codes for women, I'm not sure, when you say, "other dressing

codes," if you're referring to Islamic codes or school codes? Since you say it is "extremely different from what they have been raised to believe in," I thought maybe you were intending to indicate that the hijabs do not fit with the school's dress code. If that is so, it just needs to be clarified with some additional wording.

    Later, on page five, you refer to "atrocities," as well as the "extended community," and "allegations." I'm not sure what these statements refer to. What are the atrocities or allegations? Does the "extended community" refer to the American community the Bantu live in? Additional wording is needed to explain these points.

    Later in this paragraph, you state, "It means that they ensure," but I'm not sure what "it" refers to or who "they" are. Vague pronouns can create confusion unless your reader is sure what they refer to. Revise your wording to make these points clearer.

    On page six, there are a few points where I think your word choice could be more specific. You talk about the "primary way that Somali Bantus have ensured they exist in the American society." The word, "exist," makes it sound as if you are referring to their ability to remain alive.

But I think you're talking about their ability to function in this community. A different word choice would probably be preferable. 

    Likewise, when you use the word "culture" or "cultures" in the essay, I do not believe it captures your intended meaning. A culture is a collection of beliefs and customs within a specific group. But I think you're intending to refer to the beliefs and customs themselves. When you say the Bantu "have compromised some of their cultures," it sounds as though you are saying they have more than one culture, when in reality they only have one. I believe you mean to refer to the various beliefs and customs within their culture. Revise your wording to clarify this point.

    There's a somewhat similar confusion of meaning in the next sentence when you say the Bantu are "part of American citizens." One can be an American citizen, but one cannot be a part of an American citizen. I think maybe you're looking for a different word than "citizen." Look it up and see if it captures your meaning. Consider revising.

    Shortly after this, you make a point that creates a conflict in meaning similar to what occurred when discussing elderly and younger Bantu. You state that their "strategy is beneficial," then

provide two reasons why. The first, "they have connected with other Somali Bantus," sounds positive and beneficial, whereas the second, that they have been "forced to live in hiding and denial," does not. I'm not sure of your intended meaning here. These two ideas do not seem to go together. Consider how you might revise this to better communicate your intended meaning.

    Finally, at the end, you introduce a new idea, that the Somali refugees connect with their families "back in Somali," and have "introduced positive changes" to them. If you're going to include this information, I recommend including it elsewhere in the essay, as here, it seems like you're making a new point at the very end.

    For your References page, be sure to place "References" at the very top of the page. Also, I believe Sandra Grady is the only listed author of Improvised Adolescence. Are these three sources all from the same book? There are conflicting dates of publication (which should only appear once in the citation). Was she an editor, and were there pieces by multiple authors in this book? If this is the case, you should only use one citation, and this would count as only one academic source. Please let me know if you have questions about this.

    Also, in your citations, the publisher location, ISBN, and page numbers are not required.

    I know I've given you a lot here. Please focus primarily on focusing your thesis statement, making clear note of where source information appears in your essay, including additional sources if needed, and revising your wording for clarity. I look forward to reading your final draft.