Social issue work

PORNOGRAPHY IN MARRIAGE 3

Pornography Addiction in Marriage

Student 2015

Running head: PORNOGRAPHY IN MARRIAGE 1

Pornography in Marriage

Pornography is one of the largest industries in the world today, especially with the arrival of the Internet. A recent survey found that pornography sites had more visits in a single month than twitter, amazon, and Netflix combined; and approximately 30% of the internet industry is pornography. (Kleinman, 2014; Yagielowicz, 2012). A common thought on the pornography industry is that its main audience is lonely single men who simply look at it because they don't have anyone else in their life that can fill that void. Surprisingly though this is not the case, the reality is that the majority of pornography viewers are married men in their mid-30s. (Cooper, Delmonico, & Burg, 2000). The negative effects of pornography have been widely discussed, but the majority of studies focus on the individual or pornography's effect on society as a whole. If the majority of pornography viewing is going on in males who are married though then the focus can't just be on the individual because as they share their life, their actions have consequences on their spouse as well. So this paper will take an in-depth look at the impact of pornography on marriage, specifically when one partner in the marriage has a heavy sex addiction.

To explore the negative effects pornography has on a marriage, a clearer depiction of what a healthy and stable marriage looks like must first be defined. Sociologist J.C. Manning compiled definitions from multiple sources into a table which is a good foundation for what the ideal marriage contains and the following table will be what the remainder of the paper works off of: (Kaslow & Robinson, 1996; Klagsburn, 1995; Levenson, Carstenson, & Gottman, 1993; Manning, 2006; Wallerstein & Blakeslee, 1995; Wolcott, 1999).

Table 1	Characteristics of Stable, Healthy Marriages
1.	A mutual belief in the institution of marriage
2.	A sense of spirituality
3.	Ability to be flexible when confronted with transitions and change
4.	An assumption of permanence regarding the marital relationship
5.	Cooperation
6.	Mutual enjoyment of shared time and one another’s company
7.	Feeling appreciated
8.	Fidelity (emotional, physical and sexual)
9.	Good communication
10.	Sexual relations that strengthen the marital bond
11.	Mutual respect
12.	Mutual support
13.	Positive thoughts and interactions outweigh negative ones (5 to 1)
14.	Shared values
15.	Trust

Avid viewing of pornography just by one member of the marriage will distort most if not all of these values in the marriage. One that is often broken by pornography is that of trust. Viewing Pornography is predominantly solitary activity often done in secret, by hiding things or attempting to hide things is a breach of trust and once that bond is broken it immediately brings all the others into question.

One of the key points in marriage is the commitment that each member makes to the other to fully dedicate themselves physically and emotionally to them and no one and nothing else. A big part of maintaining that aspect of marriage is to have, "Sexual relations that strengthen the marital bond." Pornography can rob a couple of this element because it can make the addicted "lose" satisfaction in their marriage and their relations. Pornography is essentially a drug, and as the user continues usage, they build up a physical tolerance to it, and soon they need to "increase their dosage", or in other words, the user requires "harder and harder" pornography, in order to achieve the same effect as a little bit, would have achieved in the beginning. This tolerance does not remain in their private viewing life alone but leeches out into other parts of the user's life as well, particularly in their sex life with their spouse. The user will find themselves more and more dissatisfied with their spouse. A study conducted in 1998 wanted to see what the effect of male and female participants being exposed to non-violent pornography on a consistent basis would have on their levels of satisfaction in life. The results found that the participants experienced no change in their satisfaction with life except in their self-assessments of their sexual experiences. In this department they reported "less satisfaction with their intimate partner and specifically with their partner's (a) affection, (b) physical appearance, (c) sexual curiosity, and (d) sexual performance." (Bryant and Zillman, 1988; Manning, 2006). The amazing thing is that this study was conducted before the arrival of the Internet and the easy access to all things pornography related, and a more recent study revealed similar results, even though the newer one had a focus on internet pornography specifically. (Bergner and Bridges, 2002). Clearly pornography has detrimental effects to a marriage if it is effecting how partners view each other; particularly pornography sets an impossible standard in the mind of the viewer that their partner will never be able to live up to. Jennifer Schneider in her book, "Sex and the Internet," highlighted some recurring themes she found in couples she was counselling where one partner had a major pornography addiction, "(1) The user makes excuses to avoid sex with partner (not in the mood, too tired, working too hard, has already climaxed and doesn't want sex, the children might hear, his back hurts too much). (2) The partner feels hurt, angry, sexually rejected, inadequate, and unable to compete with computer images and sexy online women (or men) who are willing to do "anything." (3) During relational sex, the cybersex user appears distant, emotionally detached, and interested only in his/her own pleasure (4) The partner ends up doing most or all of the initiating, either to get her/his own needs met, or else in an attempt to get the user to decrease the online activities. (5) The user blames the partner for their sexual problems. (6) The user wants the partner to participate in sexual activities which she/he finds objectionable." (Schneider, 2002). As shown from these, pornography has drastic effects on a marriage, particularly form a relational standpoint where it becomes challenging for the partners to relate to each other and still connect physically and emotionally.

One of the values on the list of characteristics that a stable and good marriage should have is, "fidelity (emotional, physical and sexual)" Fidelity refers to faithfulness, so not cheating on your partner emotionally, physically, or sexually. On the 2,000 General Social Survey, internet users who had participated in extramarital affairs were 3.2 times more likely to have been a regular viewer of pornography than internet users who did not participate in extramarital affairs. From the same survey, it was determined that Internet users who participate in paying for sex (prostitution) were 3.7 times more likely to have been a regular viewer of pornography than internet users who did not participate in paying for sex. (Kern, Stack, and Wasserman, 2004). Evidently there are solid connections between actions that compromise fidelity and pornography. In Schneider's book, she provides a detailed list of reasons as to why pornography, specifically cybersex, in this case, is the equivalent to infidelity, "(1) Having interactive sex with another person is adultery, whether or not they have skin-to-skin contact. (2) Cybersex results in lying, hiding one's activities, and covering up, and the lies are often the most painful part of an affair. (3) The spouse feels betrayed, devalued, deceived, "less than," abandoned --- same as with a real affair. (4) Cybersex takes away from the sexual relationship of the couple. As one woman wrote, "I may not be getting a disease from him, but I'm not getting anything else either!" (5) A real-life person cannot compete with fantasy. The cybersex addict loses interest in his spouse because he has "ideal" relationships where there is no hassle. (6) Cybersex takes the addict away from his partner --in terms of time and emotions. It results in emotional detachment from the marriage." (Schneider, 2002) So, essentially pornography and cybersex have all the elements of an affair, the only thing lacking is physical contact, but it ultimately doesn't matter because it has robbed the partner in the marriage not involved in these activities feeling rejected and abandoned.

Now, at this point pornography has invaded and clearly compromised almost all of the values in the marriage. Specifically speaking, "sexual relations that strengthen the marital bond," the relations are no longer satisfying to one of the partners and so instead of strengthening the marriage bond it is simply providing reasons to be dissatisfied with the marriage. Other values that are compromised include "mutual enjoyment of shared time and one another's company" since one partner doesn't find the other as attractive anymore and they don't live up to their standards anymore, they find it harder to be happy with the time they spend with them; another is "feeling appreciated" since feelings of affection are deteriorating in one partner, they'll try less to make the other feel appreciated as they themselves no longer feel appreciated due to their new standards; Another would be "good communication," this one truly became compromised when trust was, but now it's more so because one partner is becoming quite dissatisfied in the marriage but they can't fully explain why because they don't realise how their standards have changed, they also realise that their new standards aren't fair to the other partner, and so they can't really tell them and communication becomes poor where both partners realise something is off, but one just can't the other; another that follows is "mutual respect," if one isn't telling the other everything and is still blaming the other than at that point they have lost their mutual respect, it might still be one way but the user will no longer fully respect the other, and so it is no longer mutual; another is "mutual support," one party can't support the other if they don't know what's wrong; another is "fidelity (emotional, physical and sexual)" pornography and particularly the type of pornography, cybersex, sneaks in an emotional commitment that is hidden, it reveals itself through how the user withdraws from their real live spouse in favor of the new "perfect" fantasy relationship they're participating in; and at this point the one of the last values compromised is "shared values," assuming the entire list makes up part of their shared values then it's already been compromised. At this point it is clear that pornography is a slippery slope at any point, but it can be especially dangerous to a marriage.

Pornography doesn't stop with infidelity though as it has the potential to invade a marriage to the point of divorce. In November 2002, a survey was conducted during a meeting of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers in Chicago, Illinois. The survey was regarding pornography and its role in divorce cases the lawyers had handled. Of the 350 lawyers present, 217 (62%) admitted that the internet was one of the motivations for divorce in some of the cases they had handled that year. Of those cases, 56% had one partner who was a heavy pornography addict. (Dedmon, 2002). That is a big number and since 2002 it has only grown with the internet and with messages coming from the media propagating the bandwagon perspective, (Everyone does it so it must be healthy and normal.) it is bound to only grow more. This brings us to one of the final standing points on the original table of characteristics of a healthy and stable marriage, "an assumption of permanence regarding the marital relationship." Pornography brings with it doubts, "Can I still connect with my spouse?" "Maybe we weren't right for each other?" "It doesn't seem to be working anymore, should we keep trying or just give up?" Those doubts can bring the marriage to its end ultimately leaving everyone with nothing but heartbreak and memories of "how it used to be". Pornography is often glorified in modern society, but it's time we come to realise its destructive characteristics and start sharing the news about these to keep others from making the same mistakes. This paper set out to systematically examine the evidence and determine what kind of impact pornography can have on a marriage, and it ended up revealing that pornography has endless potential for destruction.

References

Yagielowicz, S. (2012, April 4). Report: The Internet Really Is for Porn. Retrieved December 8, 2015, from http://www.xbiz.com/news/146703

Kleinman, A. (2014, May 4). Porn Sites Get More Visitors Each Month Than Netflix, Amazon And Twitter Combined. Retrieved December 8, 2015, from http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/05/03/internet-porn-stats_n_3187682.html

Schneider, J. (2002). The New ‘Elephant in the Living Room’ : Effects of Compulsive Cybersex Behaviors on the Spouse. In Sex and the Internet: A guidebook for clinicians. New York: Brunner-Routledge.

Jill C. Manning (2006) The Impact of Internet Pornography on Marriage and the Family: A Review of the Research, Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity, 13:2-3, 131-165, DOI:10.1080/10720160600870711

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