FIRST FORMAL LETTER ASSIGNMENT

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WRITING CLEAR SENTENCES When you sit down to write a given message, you have many bits of information at hand. How will you turn them into a clear, coherent message?

Your first task will probably be grouping and ordering the information—that is, planning the message's overall organization or structure. But sooner or later, writing a successful message comes down to figuring out how to stitch your contents together in a series of sentences. How much information will you put into each sentence? And in what form and order will that information be?

The advice that follows will help you answer these questions.

LO 4-8 Write short, clear sentences by limiting sentence con-tent and economizing on words.

Limit Sentence Content

Business audiences tend to prefer simple, efficient sentences over long, complex ones. Having too much to do in too little time is a chronic problem in business. No one, whether executive or entry-level employee, wants to read writing that wastes time.

Which of the following passages is easier to understand?

Version A Version B Once you have completed the online safety course, which will be available on the company portal until 29 June, your supervisor will automatically be notified, at which point he/she will authorize you to handle these materials, unless your score was below 90, in which case you will need to repeat the course.

You can access the safety course on the company portal any time between now and 29 June. You must score at least a 90 to pass it. Once you have received a passing score, your supervisor will be automatically notified. He/she will then authorize you to handle these materials.

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Sometimes writers try to be efficient by using as few sentences as possible, but as these examples show, that can cause trouble. Having more sentences with less in them is often the better strategy.

Preferring short sentences does not mean making all sentences equally short. You will need some moderately long sentences to convey your more complex ideas and add flow to your writing. But take care not to make the long sentences excessively long.

The following examples illustrate the point. The paragraph below is an excerpt from an employee handbook. Obviously the use of one long sentence to convey the information was a poor decision.

When an employee has changed from one job to another job, the new corresponding coverages will be effective as of the date the change occurs, unless, however, if due to a physical disability or infirmity as a result of advanced age, an employee is changed from one job to another job and such change results in the employee's new job rate coming within a lower hourly job-rate bracket in the table, in which case the employee may, at the discretion of the company, continue the amount of group term life insurance and the amount of accidental death and dismemberment insurance that the employee had prior to such change.

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So many words and relationships are in the sentence that they cause confusion. The result is vague communication at best—complete miscommunication at worst.

Now look at the message written in all short sentences. The meanings may be clear, but the choppy effect is distracting and irritating. Imagine reading a long document written in this style.

An employee may change jobs. The change may result in a lower pay bracket. The new coverage is effective when this happens. The job change should be because of physical disability. It can also be because of infirmity. Old age may be another cause. The company has some discretion in the matter. It can permit continuing the accidental death insurance. It can permit continuing the dismemberment insurance.

The following paragraph takes a course between these two extremes. Generally, it emphasizes short sentences, but it combines content items where appropriate.

When an employee changes jobs, the new corresponding insurance coverage becomes effective when the change occurs. If the change has occurred because of disability, infirmity, or age and it puts the employee in a lower pay bracket, the company may, at its discretion, permit the previous level of insurance coverage to continue.

The upcoming sections on conciseness, management of emphasis, and sentence unity can help you decide how much content each sentence should carry.

from the tech desk Readability Statistics Help Writers Evaluate Document Length and Difficulty

Grammar and style checkers give writers the option of viewing readability statistics. These statistics report the number of words, characters, paragraphs, and sentences in a document along with averages of characters per word, words per sentence, and sentences per paragraph.

The report you see here was generated for a scholarly manuscript. It reports an average of 18.5 words per sentence, a bit high for a business document but probably at an acceptable level for a scholarly document's readers. The Flesch-Kincaid score confirms that the reading grade level is 9.4, too high for business documents but appropriate for a scholarly audience. However, the Flesch Reading Ease score might give the writer cause to review the document for accessibility, even for its targeted audience. The 59.3 score is slightly below the 60–70 range that Microsoft recommends.

To have Word calculate the readability statistics of your documents, select File > Options > Proofing and check “Show readability statistics.” Then click Review > Spelling & Grammar. Your statistics will appear at the end of the review.

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Page 78 communication matters Avoiding Stringy and See-Saw Sentences

If you try to pack too much information into a sentence, you can wind up with a stringy sentence like this:

While we welcome all applications, we are particularly interested in candidates who have at least three years' experience, although we will consider those with less experience who have a degree in the field or who have earned a certificate from an industry-certified trainer, and we will also consider fluency in Italian a plus.

A see-saw sentence is one that goes back and forth between two points, like this:

A blog can add visibility to a business, although it can be labor intensive to maintain, but the timespent on the blog could be worthwhile if it generates a buzz among our potential customers.

In these cases, edit the sentences down to readable size, use helpful transitional phrases (in addition, on the other hand) between them, and don't switch directions too often.

Here, for example, are more readable versions of the problem sentences:

While we welcome all applications, we are particularly interested in candidates who (1) have at least three years' experience or (2) have less experience but have earned a degree or certificate in the field. Fluency in Italian is also a plus.

A blog can add visibility to a business. True, maintaining a blog takes time, but if the blog generates a buzz among our potential customers, the time will be well spent.

Economize on Words

A second basic technique for shortening sentences is to use words economically. Anything you write can be expressed in many ways, some shorter than others. In general, the shorter wordings save the reader time and are clearer and more interesting.

To help you recognize instances of uneconomical wording, we cover the most common types below.

cluttering phrases

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cluttering phrases

An often-used uneconomical wording is the cluttering phrase. This is a phrase that can be replaced by shorter wording without loss of meaning. The little savings achieved in this way add up.

Too many simple sentences create an elementary-sounding style, so combine ideas where appropriate for your adult readers.

Here is an example of a cluttering phrase:

In the event that none of the candidates is acceptable, we will reopen the position.

The phrase in the event that is uneconomical. The little word if can substitute for it without loss of meaning:

If none of the candidates is acceptable, we will reopen the position.

Similarly, the phrase that begins the following sentence adds unnecessary length:

In spite of the fact that they received help, they failed to exceed the quota.

Although is an economical substitute:

Although they received help, they failed to exceed the quota.

The following partial list of cluttering phrases (with suggested substitutions) should help you avoid them:

Cluttering Phrase Shorter Substitution At the present time Now For the purpose of For For the reason that Because, since In the amount of For In the meantime Meanwhile In the near future Soon In the neighborhood of About In very few cases Seldom, rarely In view of the fact that Since, because With regard to, with reference toAbout

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surplus words

To write economically, eliminate words that add nothing to sentence meaning. Eliminating these surplus words sometimes requires recasting a sentence, but often they can just be left out.

EXHIBIT 4-4 Can Your Writing Pass the Monotony Test?

If your verbs are strong, your sentences vary in length, and you emphasize the right ideas, your writing will have an interesting and inviting rhythm.

So read your writing aloud. If you find your voice lapsing into a monotone, you probably need to apply one or more of the guidelines presented in this chapter.

EXHIBIT 4-4 Can Your Writing Pass the Monotony Test? Page 79

The following is an example of surplus wording from a business report:

It will be noted that the records for the past years show a steady increase in special appropriations.

The beginning words add nothing to the meaning of the sentence. Notice how dropping them makes the sentence stronger—and without loss of meaning:

The records for the past years show a steady increase in special appropriations.

Here is a second example:

His performance was good enough to enable him to qualify for the promotion.

The words to enable add nothing and can be dropped:

His performance was good enough to qualify him for the promotion.

The following sentences further illustrate the use of surplus words. In each case, the surplus words can be eliminated without changing the meaning.

Contains Surplus Words Eliminates Surplus Words There are four rules that should be observed. Four rules should be observed. In addition to these defects, numerous other defects mar the operating procedure.

Numerous other defects mar the operating procedure.

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It is essential that the income be used to retire the debt. The income must be used to retire the debt. In the period between April and June, we detected the problem. Between April and June we detected the

problem. He criticized everyone he came in contact with. He criticized everyone he met. communication matters Is That a Surplus Word?

How easy is it to read the following sentence without making a misstep?

We found the reason for our poor performance was stiff competition from a local supplier.

In such a sentence, adding the word that where it is implied would help:

We found that the reason for our poor performance was stiff competition from a local supplier.

On the other hand, sometimes that can be omitted, as in this example:

Check all the items that you wish to order.

How do you know whether to include that? You'll have to judge by pretending to be the reader. If that prevents misreading, keep it. If it seems unnecessary or distracting, leave it out.

unnecessary repetition of words or ideas

Repeating words obviously adds to sentence length. Such repetition sometimes serves a purpose, as when it is used for emphasis or special effect. But all too often it is unnecessary, as this sentence illustrates:

We have not received your payment covering invoices covering June and July purchases.

It would be better to write the sentence like this:

We have not received your payment covering invoices for June and July purchases.

Another example is this one:

He stated that he believes that we are responsible.

The following sentence eliminates one of the thats:

He stated that he believes we are responsible. [See the Communication Matters box above for more advice about that.]

Repetitions of ideas through the use of different words that mean the same thing (free gift, true fact, past history) also add to sentence length. Known as redundancies, such repetitions are rarely needed. Note the redundancy in this sentence:

The beginning of the speech will open with a welcome.

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There Is, There Are… Do You Really Need Them?

There is/There are sentences are sometimes justified, as in these examples:

There is simply no reason why we cannot achieve our goals this quarter.

When there are more than 14 attendees, we use the larger computer lab.

But sometimes there is and there are just add extra words, as these pairs of sentences illustrate:

Wordy: If there is a problem with the copier, the service agreement will cover it.

Better: If the copier has a problem, the service agreement will cover it.

Wordy: There are three ways in which the Princess Resort is superior to the Breezemont Hotel.

Better: The Princess Resort is superior to the Breezemont Hotel in three ways.

Wordy: There are varying opinions on the plan depending on whether you are a manager or a staff person.

Better: The managers and the staff people have different opinions about the plan.

When tempted to write there is or there are, see if you can say what you want to say more concisely and directly.

The beginning and will open are two ways to say the same thing. The following sentence is better:

The speech will open with a welcome.

Exhibit 4-5 provides more examples of redundancies and ways to eliminate them.

EXHIBIT 4-5 Search Out and Destroy Needless Repetition

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Needless Repetition Repetition Eliminated Please endorse your name on the back of this check. Please endorse this check. We must assemble together at 10:30 AM in the morning. We must assemble at 10:30 AM. Our new model is longer in length than the old one. Our new model is longer than the old one. If you are not satisfied, return it back to us. If you are not satisfied, return it to us. One should know the basic fundamentals of clear writing. One should know the fundamentals of clear

writing. The consensus of opinion is that the tax is unfair. The consensus is that the tax is unfair. At the present time, we are conducting two clinics. We are conducting two clinics. As a matter of interest, I would like to learn more about your procedure.

I am interested in learning more about your procedure.

EXHIBIT 4-5 Search Out and Destroy Needless Repetition

LO 4-9 Design sentences that give the right emphasis to content.

Manage Emphasis in Sentence Design

Any written business communication contains a number of items of information, not all of which are equally important. Some are very important, such as a conclusion in a report or the objective of the message. Others are relatively unimportant. One of your tasks as a writer is to form your sentences to communicate the importance of each item.

put the main ideas in the main clauses

Main (or independent) clauses are called main clauses for a reason: they express the main point of the sentence.

Compare these two sentences that might appear in an article for a company newsletter (main clauses are italicized):

Mr. Freshley, who began working for Remington in 1952, oversees all company purchases.

Mr. Freshley, who oversees all company purchases, began working for Remington in 1952.

The sentences contain exactly the same information, but the main clauses make them say different things. The first sentence focuses on Mr. Freshley's importance to the company, while the second sentence emphasizes how long he has been an employee. Which version is preferable? It would depend on what you wanted to emphasize and on what your readers would expect you to emphasize.

use coordination and subordination deliberately

When two or more pieces of information need to be included in one sentence, understanding coordination and subordination will help you decide how to structure the sentence.

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When you coordinate ideas, you treat them as equal in importance by joining them with “and,” “but,” “or,” “so,” or “yet” (the coordinate conjunctions), or by setting them up as equals in a list. When you subordinate an idea, you treat it as less important than the main idea by putting it into in a modifying clause or phrase. These examples illustrate:

The company enjoyed record sales last year, but it lost money. [The two ideas are both in main clauses and are thus being treated as equally important.]

Although the company enjoyed record sales last year, it lost money. [“Although” turns the first idea into a subordinate clause, making it less important than the second idea.]

Despite record sales, the company lost money last year. [The first idea is now in a phrase, making it less important than the second idea.]

Business leaders are communicating more and more outside the office. They want their incoming messages to communicate clearly and quickly. use short sentences for emphasis

use short sentences for emphasis

Sentence length affects emphasis. Short sentences carry more emphasis than long, involved ones. They call attention to their contents by conveying a single message without the interference of related or supporting information.

For example, notice the impact of the concluding sentence in the following excerpt from a fundraising letter:

Alumni like you have started a transformation that has increased our academic achievements, increased our enrollment, and created an internationally recognized campus landscape. But we have more to do.

Beginnings and endings of business messages are often good places for short sentences. A short opening enables you to get to the point quickly, and a short closing leaves the reader with an important final thought. Here are some examples:

Openings:

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Yes, your insurance is still in effect.

Will you please send me your latest catalog?

Closings:

Thank you again for your generous contribution.

I'm looking forward to your presentation.

LO 4-10 Employ unity and good logic in writing effective sentences.

Give Sentences Unity

Good sentences have unity. This means that all the parts of the sentence work together to create one clear point.

Lack of unity in sentences is usually caused by one of two problems: (1) unrelated idear (2) excessive detail.

unrelated idea

The idean a sentence must have a reason for being together and clearly convey one overall point. If they don't, you should separate them. If you believe they do go together, then make clear how they're related.

The following sentences illustrate:

Unrelated Improved

The brochure you requested is enclosed, and please let me know if you need any additional information.

The brochure you requested is enclosed. Please let me know if you need additional information.

Our territory is the southern half of the state, and our salespeople cannot cover it thoroughly.

Our territory is the southern half of the state, and it is too large for our salespeople to cover thoroughly.

Using the cost-of-living calculator is simple, but no tool will work well unless it is explained clearly.

Using the cost-of-living calculator is simple, but, like any tool, it will not work well unless it is explained clearly.

We concentrate on energy-saving products, and 70 percent of our business comes from them.

Because we concentrate on energy-saving products, 70 percent of our business comes from them.

excessive detail

Putting too much detail into one sentence tends to hide central thought, and it also makes the sentence too long.

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If the detail isn't necessary, remove it. If it is important, keep it, but divide sentence into two or more sentences, as in the following examples:

Excessive Detail Improved

Because our New York offices, which were considerplush in the 1990s, are now badly in need of renovation, as is the case with most offices that have not been maintained, I recommend closing them and finding a new location.

Our New York offices, which were furnished in the 1990s, have not been maintained properly. I recommend closing them and finding a new location.

In response to your email inquiry, we searched our records and confirmed your Oct. 1 order, so we are sending you a rush shipment of Plytec insulation immediately.

Thank you for helping us locate your order. We are sending you a rush shipment of Plytec insulation immediately.

In 2009, when I, a small-town girl from a middllass family, began my studies at Bradley University, which is widelecognized for its business administration program, I set my goal as a career with a large public company.

I selected Bradley because of its widelecognized business administration program. From the beginning, my goal was a career with a large public company.

The fact that I have worked in the chemical industry for over 15 years holding a variety of positions in sales, marketing, and product management has provided with a solid urstanding of how to promote products in today's industry.

I have worked in the chemical industry for over 15 years in sales, marketing, and product management. This experience has given me a solid urstanding of how to promote products in the industry.

Word Sentences Logically

At some point, you've probably had a teacher write “awkward” beside or more of your sentences. Often, the cause of such a problem is illogical wording. The paragraphs that follow will help you avoid s of the most common types of illogical sentences (see Exhibit 4-6). But keep in mind that many awkward sentences defy efforts to label them. The only guards against letting these kinds of sentences slip past you are your own good ear and careful editing.

EXHIBIT 4-6 Common Types of Faulty Sentence Logic

Mixed constructions

Incomplete constructions

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Dangling or misplaced modifiers

Faulty parallelism

EXHIBIT 4-6 Common Types of Faulty Sentence Logic mixed constructions

mixed constructions

Sometimes illogical sentences occur when writers mix two different kinds of sentences together. This problem is called a mixed construction.

For example, can you describe what's wrong with the following sentence about cutting costs?

First we found less expensive material, and then a more economical means of production was developed.

If you said t the first half of the sentence used active voice but the second half switched to passive voice, you're right. Shifts of this kind make a sentence hard to follow. Notice how much easier it is to understand this version:

First we found less expensive material, and then we developed a more economical means of production.

There's a similar problem in the following sentence:

The consumer should read the nutrition label, but you often don't take the time to do so.

Did ynotice that the point of view changed from third person (consumer) to second (you) in this sentence? The following revision would be much easier to follow:

Consumers should read nutrition labels, but they often don't take the time to do so.

Sometimes we start writing one kind of sentence and then change it before we get to the end, illogically putting parts of two different sentences together. Here's an example:

Because our salespeople are inexperienced caused us to miss our quota.

Rewriting the sentence in one of the following ways would eliminate the awkwardness:

Because our salespeople are inexperienced, we missed our quota.

Our inexperienced salespeople caused us to miss our quota.

These sentences further illustrate the point:

Mixed Construction Improved

Some activities that the company participates in are affordable housing, conservation of parks, and litter control. [“Affordable housing” isn't an activity.]

Some causes the company supports are affordable housing, conservation of parks, and litter control.

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Job rotation is when you train people by moving them from job to job. [The linking verb “is” has to be followed by a noun or adjective, but here it's followed by an adverb clause].

Job rotation is a training method in which people are moved from job to job.

My education was completed in 2009, and then I began work as a manager for Home Depot. [The sentence switches from passive voice to active voice.]

I completed my education in 2009 and then began work as a manager for Home Depot.

The cost of these desks is cheaper. [“Cheaper” can't logically refer to cost.]

These desks cost less. (or These desks are cheaper.)

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incomplete constructions

Certain words used early in a sentence signal that the rest of the sentence will provide ertain kind of content. Be careful to fulfill your reader's expectations. Otherwise, you will have written an incomplete construction.

For example, the following sentence, while technically a sentence, is incomplete:

She was so happy with the retirement party we gave her.

She was so happy… that what? That she sent everyone a thank-you note? That she made a donation to the library in the company's name? In a sentence like this, either complete the construction or leave “so” out.

Or considere incomplete opening phrase of this sentence:

As far as time management, he is a master of multitasking.

You can rectify the problem in one of two ways:

As far as time management goes [or is concerned], he is a master of multitasking.

As for time management, he is a master of multitasking.

dangling/misplaced modifiers

Putting modifiers in the wrong place or giving them nothing to modify in the sentence is another common way that sentence logic can go awry. Consideris sentence:

Believing the price would drop, the purchasing agents were instructed not to buy.

The sentence seems grammatically correct… but it doesn't make sense. It looks as though the purchasing agents believed the price would drop—but if they did, did sone else have to tell them not to buy? The problem is that the people whom the opening phrase is supposed to modify have been left out, making the opening phrase a dangling modifier.

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You can correct this problem by putting the right agents after the opening phrase:

Believing the price would drop, we instructed our purchasing agents not to buy.

What makes this sentence hard to follow?

We have compiled a list of likely prospects using the information we gathered at the trade show.

Surely the “prospects” aren't really the ones using the information. The sentence would be clearer if the final phrase, a misplaced modifier, were more logically placed, as in

Using the information we gathered at the trade show, we have compiled a list of likely prospects.

faulty parallelism

Readers expect the same kinds of content in a sentence to be worded in the same way. Faulty parallelism violates this logical expectation.

How might you make the similar items in this sentence more parallel in wording?

They show their community spirit through yearly donations to the United Way, giving free materials to Habitat for Humanity, and their employees volunteer at local schools.

Here's one way:

They show their community spirit by donating yearly to the United Way, giving free materials to Habitat for Humanity, and volunteering at local schools.

A sentence has faulty parallelism when an item doesn't match the others in the list. Page 84

Can you spot the faulty parallelism in this sentence?

To create a more appealing Web site, we can gather personal stories, create a new logo, as well as making the layout more readable.

Here's a corrected version:

To create a more appealing Web site, we can gather personal stories, create a new logo, and make the layout more readable.

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Note that if you format your series as a bulleted list, you still need to keep the items parallel. This example has faulty parallelism:

The branding standards include

The approved logos

A style guide

Using the approved color palette

How to redesign existing materials

This bulleted list has much better parallelism:

The branding standards include

The approved logos

A style guide

The approved color palette

Instructions for redesigning existing materials

Other rules of grammar besidesose mentioned here can help you avoid igical constructions and write clear sentences. See Bonus Chapter B for more examples and advice.