Reflection

Chapter 3 The Flat-Brain Theory of Emotions my career with a specialty in communication philosophy and practice taught me much about how people really operate. I found that while we struggle to understand ourselves, we are routinely confused about the difference between a feeling and a thought, and how our feelings and thinking relate to each other. Both emotions and thoughts are part of how we operate, but trying to describe behavior as either emotional or rational doesn’t seem to help. Most psychological language adds little clarity and lacks the practical simplicity necessary to help us understand how we operate or how to get along better. I also observed that feelings and thoughts are really different from each other and yet affect each other significantly. Here’s how it works. If we feel guilty, we think we are guilty and tend to act in a guilty fashion. Feeling guilty is an emotion. Whether we think we are actually guilty is a thought. I’ve found it helpful to distin-guish between the two when deciding what to do with them. If I figure out that I feel guilty because of some early programming I’ve given up, then I can let the guilt feelings go. If I’m actually guilty of hurting someone, then I can apologize or make amends. As I began to get a handle on this process, I grappled with ways to make it clear to my personal growth classes. A graphic model formed in my mind to show how feelings and thinking are different from each other and yet interact. Over a long time the models developed and were sharpened by class reactions. Result: The Flat-Brain Theory of Emotions, which starts here in Chapter 3. It begins by picturing how we operate when our brains are function-ing well (not flat) and goes on in the next chapter to portray what I call the Flat-Brain Syndrome, that is, how we operate when an overload of emotion “flattens our brains.” Beyond that, the following chapters will cover handling the effects of flat brains on individuals and their (our) relationships. In my experience, understanding how this mixture of thinking and feeling affects us and our relationships goes a long way toward reducing clashes and disconnections. Such understanding helps us accept ourselves and others. It gives clues about how to communi-cate our concerns and how to listen so others can calm down, think, and act more clearly. Join me now for a serious, tongue-in-cheek look at how our minds and emotions interact and how we can learn to relax and accept our-selves and others more easily. Stomach functions That big circle in the stomach area is where I locate feelings, because that’s where I notice butterflies before public speak-ing and feel pangs of hunger that tempt me away from writ-ing toward the refrigerator. You may locate your feelings elsewhere, but for convenience, I’m going to stash them in the stomach. Stomach functions consist of emotions or feelings — those inner nudges that let us know when we’re uncom-fortable, happy, excited, interested, attracted, irritable, angry, resent-ful, frustrated, curious. Feelings are our internal responses to the world around us, to what we’re thinking, and to our bodies. (For simplicity I use feelings and emotions interchangeably.) The round container suggests that emotions by nature are the per-sonal part of us. They connect us with each other, because we all expe-rience them. You and I may enjoy different things, but the “enjoying” part is the same. Because I enjoyed steelhead fishing even in a freezing downpour, I feel a connection to the golfer who has fun sloshing along under a huge umbrella. Heart functions We relate with our heart functions. I put a yin-yang squiggle inside the heart to suggest that “it takes two to tango,” that you and I both have something to offer, and that we both can learn from each other. Healthy heart functions give and receive concerns, suggestions, and support and are ready to consider many options and possibilities. Healthy hearts recognize that we don’t possess “the whole truth,” but are confident both in owning our views and remaining open to the views of oth-ers, a rare maturity in our increasingly contentious world of extremes. The yin-yang divided heart reminds us how essential are the twin qualities of owning and examining our views while staying open to oth-ers and their views. This allows us to build friendships and human com-munities even with those with whom we disagree. Head functions Head functions incorporate thinking, planning, remembering, re-viewing, deciding, rationalizing — what we consider the logical part of us. The brain processes what we see, hear, feel, remember, and imagine. It picks up messages from the emotional system inside our skin and the world of people and events outside. It decides what to do with the input. The brain can create and problem-solve. I’ve drawn square corners and hard lines to suggest that head functions are the computer-like, non-personal part of us. Relating to people based on logic/thinking alone rarely builds close relationships.

Understanding and directing your emotions While many people are frightened of emotions or consider various ones either good or bad, I believe they are involuntary and perhaps even innate or God-given — simply there for us to use. If I think of any emotions as bad, then I’m under the gun to get rid of them. I prefer to think of feelings as energy. We can choose how to direct or manage that energy. As with the gasoline in a tank, we can choose to use the generated power to drive a hurt child to a hospital or to run over someone. At times I’ve struggled with feelings of desire, jealousy, and anger, of-ten unsuccessfully. (Perhaps you know someone who has too?) But you can’t get rid of them just by deciding to. The emotions we used to consider “bad,” can become those we learn from and work at directing. For example, when angry with someone, we can try to improve the relationship, punch the person out, talk with a counselor, cook up a storm, mop a floor, or mow a lawn. The action is our choice, we can choose which would be most helpful. While many of us might prefer to choose which emotions to have, it doesn’t work that way. When we try to push an emotion in a particular direction, it usually has the opposite effect. Deciding not to be attracted to someone when we are, to like spinach when we don’t, or to feel a particular way because we think we should, rarely has much positive impact on our feelings. Emotions don’t react well to pressure. Trying to force an emotion out of our systems is like trying not to think of a giraffe. In general though, we can choose to ignore them (to our detriment), to withhold them from others (so people neither know us nor feel close to us), to let them take over and run us (often disastrous), or to direct them wisely. What helps with emotions? • Recognize them. • Accept them (until we relax). • Decide how to use their energy. I’m convinced we can use any of our emotions to build or destroy. If we recognize and accept them, we can choose to act on them in com passionate, responsible, constructive, and creative ways, making a more hospitable world. Does thinking affect our feelings? While we can’t directly change an emotion, what we think may affect how we feel — our heads can affect our stomachs. When we fill our minds with good thoughts about people, life, universes — sometimes our feelings get on board and catch up. When I visualize a peaceful warm sunset in Kauai and put myself in the picture, I tend to become more relaxed and happy. I also notice a growing twinge of yearning to be there, which just might instigate a plan and a call for airline tickets or maybe a less expensive drive to the beach or a walk in a park. Thinking healthy creative thoughts can have a positive impact on our emotional systems and consequently on our actions. If I keep some-one’s best interests in mind, I grow to care more for them and as a result, may act in a more helpful way. When we perceive going to the dentist as painful, we can get fright-ened. If we learn about newer numbing treatments and rethink our per-ceptions, we may come to see the process as painless, which can allow our fears to settle some. As we think through ideas and situations, our perceptions can change and so will our feeling responses to them. Someone may say, “You made me angry!” Or we might think a movie made us sad, but people and situations do not make us feel a certain way. People react differently to the same stimuli. Rather, how we think about a situation causes our reactions. The idea that changing the way we think alters the way we feel is the base for cognitive-behavioral ther-apy. An ancient philosopher suggested, “Whatever is true, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, think about these things...” Sometimes our first impressions of people result in our disliking them. When we get to know them better or have a meaningful experi-ence with them, our reactions may change. We could get to like them, and perhaps even fall in love with them. (Of course, it can work the other way too.)

Rationalizing stirs our disconnections Our culture tends to over-value the rational part of us and devalue and ignore the emotional. Since emotions are the driving energy for most of our decisions and behavior, we are set for trouble. Many of the people who value logic/thinking very highly are cha-grined that their spouses, partners, or co-workers are not equally excited about that quality. Women (and some men) often feel distanced from “Logic Man (Woman)” and prefer dealing with a feeling person with whom they can more easily connect in a personal way. A whole person includes both feeling and thinking, emotion and logic. It takes both to build human connection. To our detriment, we overlook our emotions by rationalizing them. Some say that rationalization is America’s favorite indoor sport. We buy a new car. We say, “Keeping the old car on the road was breaking the bank. It spent more time in the shop than in my garage. Besides, new cars get better mileage.” Sounds rational, but truth be told, we’ll never save enough on gasoline and repair bills to pay for the new one. What’s going on here? We don’t want to admit we tired of messing with the old one and simply wanted a new car. Many of us like to think that our decisions are based more on our heads than on our stomachs. But, when it comes to buying things we want, we seem infinitely ca-pable of manufacturing lists of reasons to justify most any desire-driven purchase. We also rationalize to cover uncomfortable emotions with a coat-ing of logic. We get to a meeting late and are embarrassed, but we don’t admit that. We say instead, “Sorry for being late, traffic was terrible.” We rationalize (cover) our discomfort by presenting extenuating circum-stances (thoughts about traffic). Then three others at the same meeting immediately come off the floor to ease their guilty feelings about times they’ve been late: “Oh right, the traffic is getting worse all the time.” “I have to leave earlier than ever to get anywhere.” “Remember when you could get across town in just a few minutes — now it takes...” Sounds like “tag team rationalizing” designed to skirt acknowledging our emotions.

We rationalize faster than we do about anything else. Covering in this low-level way puts distance between us. It masks our feelings. It keeps us removed from the personal part of us and as a result, it keeps us distant from each other. How’s the emotion, thinking, behavior supposed to work? One simple theory of behavior suggests that we humans move from a state of bother to a state of calm. For example: We get curious (bothered). We jump on the internet and Google the topic we’re interested in (be-havior). We get the info and we relax (calm). Or, we become concerned about hungry children (bothered). We research helping agencies, send a check or go to a rural communi-ty to teach agriculture (behavior). We settle down (calm). Our emotions fuel deciding and acting. They make bodily changes in us (heart rate, breathing, etc.) to allow us energy to do what we want to do. Emotional energies motivate and move us. When heads notice that stomachs are getting active (anxiety, love, excitement, hurt), then we de-cide whether to tell anyone and/or act further on any of those feelings. Heart functions allow us to be open with others and to collaborate with them, thus multiplying our individual abilities to build a better world and enjoy life. Human beings have enough caring for people, concern for the envi-ronment, curiosity to learn, desire for justice, worry over the way things are, and broad interests to right the wrongs in the world. We could take on everything that needs creating, organizing, building, or beautifying. However, you may have noticed that a lot of us are not getting along well enough individually or together to pull this off. What’s that about? The Flat-Brained Syndrome will suggest that the heads, hearts, and stomachs of the world are getting overloaded or short-circuited somehow and not working well together. We’ll look at what we can do about that on a personal level. What we say and how we say it? Communication is the lubrication designed to keep our functions of stomach, heart, and head working separately and to-gether. The way we move into personal connection and cooperation with people is primarily through communicating. Sharing what’s in our internal pro-cesses of stomach, heart, and head can open us up and move us toward connecting better with others. Stomach, heart, and head talk each call for a particular kind of recognizable language: • Stomach talk puts our feelings into words. It describes what’s in our emotion containers. Feelings are by nature non-debatable — they just exist. If we say, “I’m too warm (cold), irritable, excited, angry, as anxious as a new student in school, frustrated, pleased,” or, “I hate anchovies,” what can anyone say, but, “Oh.” Stomach Talk shares what’s inside us, connects us with others who have similar feelings, and tends to keep us out of arguments. • Heart talk puts our ownership and openness into words. It makes clear that we’re describing our own concerns and views (not everyone’s or the correct ones) and that we’re leaving room for other thoughts (which are likely different and may be illumi-nating to us). When we say, “This is how it looks to me...” we leave an opening for how it looks to others. • Head talk talk puts our thoughts into words. It describes what we’re thinking, our perceptions — roughly factual stuff. By nature it is most always debatable. We can argue “facts” ad infinitum: Someone says, “The sky is blue.” Another responds, “But, there’s a grey cloud on the horizon that means rain.” One says, “The government exerts too much control.” And someone else, “The government should take more control.” Language that communicates best, that is, connects us with oth-ers at a deeper level, includes elements of all three — our views (head), how we feel about them (stomach), and ownership of our concerns and openness to another’s concerns (heart). As we come to understand how important it is to remain open to others and the difference between thinking and feeling, we can use that information to improve our interactions. ut how our emotions get the better of us and bump us into the Flat-Brain Syndrome. But first, here’s to fine tuning our attempts to acknowledge and repeat accurately. −∞− How to Listen Better: Techniques #1 & 2 (revisited) Hopefully, you’ve practiced acknowledge and repeat accurately and had great success. However, it might or might not have gone that well? New Listening Techniques’ Warning Label: Often when folks start practicing, they parrot the lines: “And how does that make you feel?” or, “So, I hear you saying...?” Great listening responses, but they use them over, and over, and over, and over until “lis-tened to” wants to throw the askers down the nearest elevator shaft. Why the negative reactions, when we are “just trying to be better listeners?” Three reasons: 1. Too much repetition grates. Imagine the sound a violin would make, if the bow had only one or two gut fibers? The fullness would be lost, replaced by sounds akin to fingernails scraping a chalkboard (shivers my backbone). It takes more than a couple fibres in our bows to provide decent feedback (30+ listening techniques coming). 2. New skills often sound phony. The new ones we try will neither feel right to us nor sound like us to others — until we get better at them. Be willing to sound odd. What seems natural now is simply what you got used to years ago. With practice, new responses will begin to sound like you. 3. People get rattled by change. So, change in us will stir anxiety in our friends, family, and co-workers — until they get used to it. Even if some of them have been asking you to be a better listener, listening more will jar them. Their anxiety will often surface as resistance or accusation. Don’t be surprised if your attempts at listening net negative responses at first. Be patient and don’t give up. Your attempts may take some time to produce results.

If your first tries bring negative reactions, best not defend yourself: “Well, you always said you wanted me to listen, and now that I’m trying, you’ve changed your tune. You just wanted your own way.” If you do slip into defending, others will remain convinced that they were right, and that, “You will never change.” What can you do when others react negatively? Listen more, ac-knowledge their resistance and repeat accurately, like: “You seem irri-tated with me that I’m parroting something out of a book and don’t sound like myself...?” Bite your tongue and be ready to acknowledge and repeat accurately until they calm down enough to listen to you. My experience tells me that we improve our relationships primarily through effective and respectful listening. But again, keep in mind that new behaviors do not come easy for us, or those around us. It takes self-awareness and practice. And your assignment for the end of this chapter (mission, if you should choose to accept it) is to use acknowledge and repeat accurately more. They are foundational listening skills.

Chapter 4 The Flat-Brain Syndrome nOw, let’s take the Flat-Brain Theory of Emotions a step further, into the Flat-Brain Syndrome. It shows what happens to us when our systems go out of whack. For example: • Our stomachs expand with an overload of mixed emotions. • They press the heart functions into bricks in our chests, sending our relating abilities south. • The upward expansion flattens brains against the tops of our skulls, forcing our thinking, hearing, and seeing off kilter. • When flat-brained we can’t hear well, see accurately, think straight, or act sensibly. We’ll have a little fun with this model and pick up some clues about what to do about flat-brain fallout (yours and someone else’s). Stomachs overload Most of us have hurt-feeling residue from earlier painful sit-uations that weren’t unloaded well enough. The hurts arose from feeling inadequate when big people could do every-thing better than we could, from red check marks on school papers, from adolescent anxieties over who likes whom bet-ter, from worry over arguing parents and world crises, and from whether we’ll find a job, or ever get married. These lumps of hurt feelings clutter our emotion containers and don’t leave much room for current stomach activities — falling in love, anger, committing to life direction, fear, joy, or any emotions that move us along toward decision-making and action. Then something happens to upset us even more — hurt from an unkind remark, worry about finances, news about a medical issue, fear of public speaking, shock over a near accident, serious infatuation. The disturbance gets added to our stomach containers, expanding them beyond their normal sizes, like tumors, gradually pressuring internal organs, perhaps even squeez-ing them between ribs. It pushes everything out of place. We feel awkward, uncomfortable, and slightly off-balance. Women who’ve experienced pregnancy have no trouble getting this picture. Whenever emotion containers expand, normal activities or con-versations take a turn for the worse. If a husband hugs a wife (friend-ly+) who is full of worry about a sick child, he may get rebuffed (as cuddled ribs pinch organs) with the comment, “How can you think of sex at a time like this?” Emotions under pressure can turn explosive, like steam in a pressure cooker. Jammed-up feelings often cause us to blurt them. We lose our ability to do stomach talk, that is, describe our feelings. Feelings under pressure tend to produce edgy, erratic behavior, where we take them out on others, rather than sharing them. In a corporate set-ting, this can create chaos. It can even turn deadly, as in “going postal.” In the packed gut, feelings mush together and lose clarity. We may know that we’re “really upset,” but not be at all clear what kind of upsets we have or, much less, what caused them. It’s no wonder we get touchy and feel like exploding when we’re on system overload. In addition, warm friendly feelings get displaced by strong nega-tive ones, that is, they get pressed flat against the inside of the contain-er walls. Emotions need room to flex for us to “feel” their movement. That’s why resentments need to be unloaded before we can “like” our spouses again after a conflict. At times I’ve counseled a long-term-conflict couple for months be-fore the hurt, angry one had an inkling of a warm feeling toward the other. It took time to unload the fat belly, to relieve the resentments before “liking” could peel off the container walls and move enough to be felt again. Hearts turn bricklike When stomachs bulge they squeeze the heart functions up into the chest cavity. The yin-yang squiggle blurs and disintegrates. We cease to be open to other people or to varied options. We can’t give or receive suggestions. And our ability to cooperate vanishes. Shades of grey disap-pear into black and white. So it’s: “Knuckle under or fight?” — “Deed them the company or get rid of them?” When bothered, our hearts spread and turn brick-like, which pretty well describes my ability to make small talk with folks before speaking to a large crowd. When an upset is more serious than pre-speech jitters, we lose self-confi-dence, our friends seem more like enemies, and we can feel quite alone. Any ability we had to use heart talk, to share and be open with each other morphs into put-downs, absolute statements, and resistance. Collaborative inclinations go up in smoke. And brains go flat Expanding bellies push up through our bodies, until the pressure hits our brains, flattening them against the tops of our skulls. Brains are de-signed to work well when shaped like short fat footballs (or the squares in my pictures), but not when squashed. Flat brains create serious de-fects in our head functions. Flat-brained folks tend to think that others are the problem. “I wouldn’t be upset ifyou would just be different than you are.” Quite logical, if you have a flat brain and your thinking is askew. Any wonder that people who are fat-bel-lied, hard-hearted, and flat-brained don’t focus well on us and when we are that way, we can’t focus on them either? When I have to introduce people to each other or to a crowd, I get uneasy. The uneasiness hits my brain, which goes flat, twisting my memory chips. “I want to introduce my good friend, ah, ah... we fish together, been through thick and thin, ah, ah...” How embarrassing! My name-mem-ory-bank gone. Later, when I relax, I can almost feel my brain unflatten-ing and the name dropping onto the back of my tongue. For many students timed-tests stir enough anxiety to flatten brains and crash memory banks. Everything they learned the night before is ir-retrievable, until they are drinking coffee and relaxed after they bombed the tests. Our thinking goes funny, that is, it resembles the emotions in our stomachs. If we’re excited, we think, “There are no mountains we can’t climb.” If depressed, “Life is not worth living.” If suspicious, “Someone tried to scuttle us.” And if angry, “Other people caused all our problems.” When flat-brained we say crazy things that seem reasonable to us at the time. But later, when our brains aren’t flat, they seem as out of line to us as they did to others. For example: After we say something in anger, we try to repair the damage by saying, “I didn’t mean what I said when I was angry.” But, it doesn’t help, because they (and we) know we did mean it at the time. Everyone believed it because our words, tone of voice, tight-jawed body language, and finger waving produced a congruent message. When you understand the flat-brain syndrome, you can carefully and respectfully listen to the person you hurt, and then say: “I meant those awful things when I said them. My emotional system had overloaded and my brain went flat (I was nuts, off-balance, crazy). I’m afraid I say dumb stuff when I’m flat-brained. But now that I’ve calmed down and my brain is working again, I don’t mean what I said anymore. I apologize for saying what I did and for hurting your feelings. Now what I mean is...” Falling in love, too, can make brains really flat. In the early throes of infatuation we promise to climb the highest mountains and swim the deepest oceans for our beloved, yet later when our brains un-flatten, we have trouble taking out the garbage (or listening patiently).

I don’t think it makes sense to hold what people say or do against them, when their brains were flat. If we realize everyone gets flat-brained — says hurtful things and damages people — we will better be able to ac-cept people and discover forgiveness as a two-way street. Someone said, “The more you understand people, the less there is to forgive.” The “three-day-return law” allows for changing our minds after major purchases. It recognizes, accepts, and acts on the reality of the flat-brain syndrome. Perhaps we could apply a version of the return law to things people say and do when flat-brained. After three days we could go back and check to see whether we or they still really mean what was said or done. Hearing is skewed Imagine what flattening a malleable brain against a skull might do to eardrums. As a child on a family vacation in Yosemite, I enjoyed watch-ing the tourist-fed squirrels. One bolder and fatter than the rest, would stay and eat a little longer, then waddle toward safety under the cabins. To get there he had to go between a couple of two by fours, making his crawl space a tight one and five-eighths inches. As he flattened from football to waffle, his fat little body pressed out in all directions. A similar sort of squirrel squeeze happens to our brains. They flatten and spread equally in all directions, putting pressure on eardrums from the inside, turning them into tone-deaf misinformation gatherers. Wonder why we have trouble listening to each other? People with flat brains and crushed eardrums simply don’t hear well. What we hear is affected by how we are feeling. For example: A wife’s question asked out of curiosity: “Can we afford to go to the beach this weekend?” when heard by an insecure flat-brained husband, could sound like: “You never will make as much as the guy I should have married.” Or, if I’m excited about the possibility of you going fishing in Alaska with me and you say, “I’ll think about it,” the hope-full pressure on my ear drums causes me to hear: “Sure, when do we leave?” And I mistakenly make airline reservations and start packing.

To test the flat-brain effect on ears, try explaining something logi-cally to a person who is upset. Very little you intend to say gets through. A youngster coming home from school in tears, cries, “The teacher yelled at me in front of my class.” We try to explain that teachers have bad days too. The child hears: “She wouldn’t have yelled at you if you didn’t deserve it. We’re on her side.” Flat-brained young people don’t hear any more ac-curately than adults who are fat-bellied, hard-hearted, and flat-brained. Seeing is distorted You guessed it. The same goes for the eyes. The fault line across the bot-tom of a flat brain is at eye level, so the brain presses on the eyeballs from the inside. When I’m uptight about being late, having a help-ful gas station guy show me a map does minimal good. Little penetrates through my eyes and not only do his vo-cal directions fuzz over, but I can’t remember more than two turns. The flat-brained syndrome strikes again. (Thank goodness for technology and a GPS to rescue me.) I’ve noticed that flat-brained folks often have eyes that bulge a bit — a little pressure from the inside. Take notice the next time you hear someone say, “You’re always late!” Or, “I just caught my first salmon in years!” Or, “I didn’t do that!” Or, “I’ve decided to divorce my overbearing spouse!” I’ll bet you’ll see bulging eyes. In pre-marital counseling, a common experience for me is asking a couple with differing backgrounds, interests, educational levels, hob-bies, and attitudes about children how they will handle their differenc-es. They answer in effect, “We’re in love. That’s all that matters!” When I notice the slight bulge in their eyes, I have a pretty good idea about the state of their eardrums. I say to myself, “Mmmm. Serious cases of flat-brainitis. They can’t see, hear, or think straight.” Incidentally, I’m still researching to see if this term might just have come from the Latin flotabrainaura, but in any case, I know there is no point in showing them statistics about their poor chances of working out a suc-cessful marriage or talking to them about conflict resolution and joint deci-sion-making. Why? Because nothing much is working above their mouths. What I do is ask them to talk about when they met, their resistance to parents and friends who said it wouldn’t work, their fear that if they lose this one they’ll never find another one, or whatever is in their emo-tion containers. When enough emotional steam escapes through their mouths, their brains un-flatten, and their eyes return to normal size. Then I can talk and help them think about what it takes to put a com-plicated relationship together. It takes unloading stomachs to allow head functions to work, but that’s getting ahead of myself. Let’s look at the mouth. And the mouth works overtime So a flat brain damages thinking, skews hearing, and distorts vision, what about the mouth? Check my favorite drawing: With the brain flat-tened against the top of the skull, there’s more than enough room for the mouth to work freely (and it usually does). Note however, that the mouth is connected to a de-fective brain. In this condition, while it can be useful in unloading pressure from the stomach, it’s not very good at conveying reliable information. So again, when people are flat-brained, please don’t hold what they say against them. And don’t hold hurtful things you say or do against yourself either. Remember, we all get flat-brained (but most of us recover). One of the beauties of the Flat-Brain Syndrome is that it is so non-judgmental. It describes a state we all experience. I’ll bet you recognized yourself in parts of it. I hope you smiled when you did. It’s meant to give you a tool for lightening tense situations. And it works. The people around me use this common language. And I can just see people relax when someone says, “My brain is flat.” Then others think: “Oh, that’s the problem. I know about that. I’ll cut you some slack or listen awhile.” This accepting process keeps us from misreading each other’s flat-brain behavior and gives us room to work out our upsets. Families and work groups alike find that a common understanding of the flat-brain process helps them diffuse uncomfortable situations and allows them to work together better. True and not true I had just finished describing the Flat-Brained Syndrome to a class of about fifty people, when a young nurse in the back of the room raised her hand and asked, “Is this a new physiological theory developed since I fin-ished my training five years ago?” After the chuckling in the room settled, I answered that it’s one of those theories that is both true, and not true at the same time. While the Flat-Brain Syndrome isn’t hard science, it does describe how we operate. Our ability to act with emotional and logical clarity diminishes. In the middle of the last century a psychiatrist said about a sudden increase of emotional energy (falling in love) or anxiety, that, “It has more than a little in common with a blow on the head.” When the Flat-Brain Syndrome strikes, it engages the body in what I call The Flat-Brain Slump. We’ll hit that in the next chapter and look at ways to unhook from both the Syndrome and the Slump. −∞− How to Listen Better: Technique #3 We’ll take a break now to review my para-feeling listening technique. Use para-feeling ■ Put the talker’s feelings (emotions) into your words. Paraphrasing is a commonly taught listening device, but it doesn’t dis-tinguish between emotions and thoughts. For practical clarity, I pre-fer to split paraphrasing into para-feeling and para-thinking. The two terms remind us that when someone is talking, both are there, whether expressed or not. “Para” means alongside or next to. We put the emotions we hear from talkers into our words. In contrast to repeat accurately, it gives them a different look. Naming feelings makes them less scary and gives talkers more abil-ity to use their energy. When they hear their feelings come back without judgment, it lets them know that what they are feeling is understood. Expressing feelings is like releasing steam from an instapot or pres-sure cooker. If too much steam builds up inside the pot, it either causes an explosion with potatoes hitting the ceiling, or an implosion, where the potatoes go to mush. Likewise, putting feelings into words keeps them from exploding all over anyone close by or damaging our insides. People who express their feelings rarely get ulcers. (Though, if they take them out on others, they may become “ulcer carriers,” that is, giv-ing them to everyone within earshot.) Even when a talker doesn’t put feelings into words, the tone or body language may give you a clue. Use para-feeling to put your best guess into your words. For example, if a spouse looks harried or says, “I’m glad you came home early,” try para-feeling: “It seems like you’re really happy to see me...?” Or, “I’ll bet you’re relieved to see anyone over three feet tall...?” Releasing feelings works equally well whether we name our own, or others do it for us. Having listeners put our feelings into their words even helps when we don’t recognize them or have trouble describing them. When someone identifies our feelings (para-feeling) and we nod in as-sent, our emotional levels recede and our brains begin to work better. Poetic or dramatic language often works when using para-feeling. Someone says, “This is one too many times for me to have trouble with this car,” you might reply poetically: “You sound so fried you could go up in smoke and blow away...?” Or, dramatically: “You’re so upset you could run that stupid car off a cliff...?” Whose feelings are they? Be careful not to accuse talkers of having certain feelings. Rather, in an easy, open way ask if that is what they feel. Remember, the feelings are theirs. That makes the talkers experts on how they feel. Do not argue about feelings: “You are too angry for this situation!” If you do, you’ve quit listening and start trying to win. And never say they shouldn’t feel the way they feel: “You’re angrier than this situation is worth!” Or, give advice: “You know, anger never helps. Get over it!” Some of us learned that certain emotions, like anger, hate, lust, or pride are taboo. So when we have such feelings, we can’t accept those words to describe them. If you say, “You sound really angry...?” and some-one responds, “No, I’m not!” your para-feeling didn’t work. Then try again: “Well, so not angry, but maybe bugged, or a little upset...?” When you are listening to people who resist specific labels for their emotions, poke around gently and experiment, until you find words they are comfortable using to describe their feelings. When para-feeling helps us label and describe feelings, they be-come less scary and more manageable. So we can better direct them toward effective living. And speaking of manageable, let’s look at Man-aging the Flat-Brain Syndrome.

Chapter5 Managing the Flat-Brain Syndrome the principle we’ll work on here is that what’s going on inside people (emotions-attitude-thinking) affects how their bodies behave. Vice-versa, what bodies do on the outside (posture, tone of voice, etc.) af-fects the insides (emotions-attitude-thinking). That interaction causes trouble when we don’t understand it and gives us options for handling ourselves and others better when we do. It’s really clear when we’re watching someone else that their bodies and facial expressions speak volumes. Their slumping body might tell you, “I don’t feel good about myself.” Or their drumming fingers, “I’m ir-ritated.” Jumping up and down smiling suggests, “I feel great!” Or, “I’m so excited!” Or depending on how hard they stomp, could imply, “I’m furious!” You could use para-feeling to check this out: “Looks like you feel bad about yourself...?” Or, “You seem irritated...?” Or, “Wow, you’re on top of the world...?” But, remember you are checking with talkers to see if your observation fits, not telling them what their body is communicating, because that would be talking (focused on your point of view), when you should be listening (focused on theirs). To understand how we as listeners can help other people with flat-brains, let’s look at ourselves first. Let’s try to feel and understand how the physical aspects of the flat-brain-syndrome affect us. That may in-crease our empathy when we recognize it in others. Balanced body posture Balanced The Flat-Brain Syndrome effects the body’s look and posture. To illus-trate, I’d like you to try a balanced body position first. For the balanced pose, stand up, pull your stomach in, tip your pelvis and buttocks forward, bending your knees slightly. Straighten the small of your back, chest out, pull your neck back and balance your head over your spinal column. Let your arms hang freely at your sides. With your knees slightly bent put your weight on the balls of your feet with your heels lightly touching the floor. Notice the comfortable in-balance feeling. You can breathe well and see ahead clearly. With this bent knee balance, you can move easily in any direction. And you are “no pushover.” If bumped or jostled, you can adjust easily and catch yourself without falling. Hold this posture for a minute or two and pay attention to how you feel. It tends to create a sense of confidence and strength. Compare this to the way beginning little leaguers play infield positions. They think it looks “cool” to bend over, putting hands on their legs above the knees, locking their knees back with their weight on their heels. But when they need to move to the right or left to go after a ball, they must first bend their knees and get up on their toes. Then they can move toward the ball. It takes two motions (time lost) and the ball whips past them. (You might try it.) So we teach them to “go ape” — hands ready off the legs, knees bent forward, weight on the balls of their feet and toes, prepared to move either direction with one motion. Set to go. The balanced pose I’m suggesting is an everyday adult version of this at-ready stance. Now try the Flat-Brain Slump As you look at the illustration, imagine a basketball in your belly. To make room for it shift your pelvis and rear-end back, pooch out your tummy so the small of your back caves in. You may feel a little twinge of discomfort in your lower back (a hint of what can happen with constant emotional pressure).

When your stomach goes out and your butt and pel-vis go back, your knees lock back, slowing the blood flow to the brain, which can cloud thinking and even cause one of the Queen’s finest to faint. Your weight settles on your heels. In this position with your knees locked you can’t move quickly. A little shove and you’re off your feet — a pushover. Slump Drop and round your shoulders forward, giving the sensation of carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. Pull them down a little more and your lungs will compress, so you can’t breathe deeply. Tip your head forward. Your eyes will see only what is near you on the ground. Pebbles (in life) will look like rocks (or boul-ders). You lose perspective. Maturity requires seeing the long view, how present crises compare with future goals. Tipping your head and shoulders forward puts strain on your neck, in time producing neck pain and headaches. Jutting your chin out, stretching your vocal chords, makes your voice sound thin and raspy. In years past, when not sure of my sermon prep, I’d anxiously lean for-ward, “leading with my chin” — vulnerable and by the end of my delivery, hoarse. While slumping, our arms tense and lift, pointing forward. When we’re upset we have a strong tendency to point at others (judge them) and see them as the cause of our problems. The Flat-Brain Slump damages coordination and diminishes self-confidence. We don’t see, hear, or think clearly. We bump into things and tend toward being accident-prone. Insurance companies know that when people go through major upsets, such as grief or divorce, their driving habits degenerate. Pecking orders While the Slump reduces our ability to function well, it also effects how others treat us. Not good. My family moved off the farm into town when I was nine, taking some chickens with us. The chicken yard pecking order always fascinated me. The top-dog chicken pecked all the others, the second pecked the rest, and on down the list, until one chicken was pecked by all of them, and often did not survive. The most-pecked chicken scurried (and slumped) around the yard, almost attracting trouble. A dog who messes in the corner and then skulks (slumps) away from the sound of your footsteps, doesn’t invite petting, but rather almost asks for harsh words. There is something about the look that draws a negative response. (And the same for us too?) As a young pastor it rattled me to visit hospitals during non-visiting hours. After harrowing put-down encounters with a few Nurse Ratchet types (who’d likely been pecked by both doctors and patients), I took time to think it through. I visualized a white-haired master of the pulpit I knew walking down a hospital hallway to call on a parishioner in off hours. The nurses and staff would part like the Red Sea. How come? We were both ordained and on “missions of mercy.” What was the differ-ence? Simple. He walked as if he belonged there. No slump. (So I learned to walk tall and the pecking stopped.) But, it happened again one day on my way home from a camping vacation. I wheeled into a hospital to visit a new mother. I hadn’t shaved, was sunburned, wearing shorts and sandals (pretty disreputable). I ap-proached the Pink Lady at the visitor’s desk and asked for my parishio-ner’s room number. “You’ll have to come back during visitors’ hours!!!” Oops, I realized I not only looked scruffy, but timid (vacation re-laxed) as well. I straightened up, pulled my chin back, established eye contact, and said, “I’m her pastor.” “Oh, sorry!” she said. “You can’t tell by looking anymore. Room 453. Down the hall.” Think about this the next time you take a purchase back to a store. The counter person who’s been jumped on all day is looking for some-one to take it out on. If you let your anxiety about being there cause you to slump, you’ll be the one. Can you minimize the Flat-Brain Slump? Can you influence the way you feel about yourself and the way others treat you? Sure, you can. I don’t care whether you begin from your out-sides or your insides. Either will get you started. If you change what’s going on inside you, your body’s posture and the impression you give will change. If you change your body posture, it will affect how you feel on the inside and how others react to you. Best yet, over time, you can work on both. Change from outside in It’s clear that when we are happy inside, we smile on the outside. But let’s look first at changing our outsides to affect our insides. Sometime when you are down, try holding a pencil crosswise in between your teeth, forcing your facial muscles up, causing a sustained smile. What you do outside may produce an emotional lift inside. We can reduce some of the effects of the Flat-Brain Slump like I did for the Pink Lady above. I straightened up and took on a balanced look, like I belonged there. We can practice the balanced position, shaking ourselves loose, taking deep breaths, and talking with fully supported voices. Moving in a balanced, non-push-over way will not only make us feel more confident, but will communicate strength to others. There are some fine Ted Talks about body language on YouTube. They suggest that we can make ourselves appear less confident or power-less by sitting or standing scrunched in on ourselves in a closed posture, like we’re playing solitaire on a smart phone. Practicing an open stance with outstretched “victory arms” can help break us out of the slump and convey the impression that we can manage our lives well. Studies show that two minutes of holding an expanded body pos-ture with outstretched winning arms before an interview changes not only how the interviewer sees us, but our body chemistry. It measur-ably increases testosterone and decreases cortisol, preparing us, male or female, for handling a challenge. Slumping in on ourselves reverses the chemistry and gives us a sense of powerlessness. Striking the “Wonder Woman pose” may not pump up our emo-tional systems right away, but don’t let that slow you down. The body language folks encourage us to “fake it until we make it.” We can act strong and capable even though we feel weak. Doing so will display confidence to others and eventually we’ll come “to believe it and be it” ourselves.

I like putting it this way: “Straighten up physically and grow into it emotionally.” When we move with a balanced look, people won’t have the same urge to kick us that they would if we trudged slumpily up to them. It even works over the phone. My Sally says, “When I face a difficult con-versation on the phone, I don’t sit for it. I stand up, feet apart, head up. I do better.” When I stand tall, wide, and ready on the tennis court, I find that it increases my confidence (and my opponent’s wariness). Change from inside out You can use the book’s insights to encourage your own fat belly to subside, your heart to un-harden, and your brain to get square again. When that happens, your body will straighten up and carry off everything it does better. What will work for you, also can be effective in helping others to stand taller and improve their relat-ing abilities. The listening techniques (applied love) over time can help you help others function better in a com-plex world. As you find yourself more able to understand and direct your own emotions you can resemble the classic case of “put on your oxygen mask first, then help someone else.” Here are the goals for using your improving understanding and lis-tening skills to help re-gain relatively normal functioning. The four basic goals in listening (counseling) 1. Reduce emotional disturbance Look at the stomach: Like an electrical storm in a computer, too much mixed emotional energy in people produces erratic behavior. You can help reduce this emotion overload by helping people acknowledge and release their feelings. If they expel some of their upset, there’ll be less pressure on their brains. They’ll be better able to decide what’s best, whether to take a long walk, mow a lawn, tell someone what they’re angry about, negoti-ate a new plan, go see a lawyer, sleep on it, or gather more information. 2. Clarify thinking Likewise when stomach containers expand and brains go flat, peo-ple get confused. They see few alternatives and can’t accurately assess themselves or their situations. Folks have trouble making good deci-sions unless they can think clearly. Good listeners help them see the interaction between their feelings and thoughts, their actions and the actions of others, and themselves in their situations. This clarity will enable them to see new options and make more constructive decisions for their lives. 3. Increase self-confidence When people get upset and confused, their self-confidence erodes. If you listen to them with respect and don’t take over their problems, you’ll make it clear that you believe they can manage their own lives. That builds their self-confidence and gives them more strength to carry out the options they choose. 4. Build supportive friendships When people are muddled, they feel alone, which makes any prob-lem seem more daunting. Listening builds friendships so people don’t feel isolated. When they sense a friendship connection, they find new support, and the courage to go on. When you are flat-brained yourself, you can go a long way toward moving back to normal functioning by concentrating on the first two goals and using the listening techniques on yourself. Then when you can, find yourself a good listener to hear you through your flat-brain pe-riods. (We’ll talk later about training a friend to be your “go to” listener.) When you take time and learn to skillfully listen to others, you will help make this four-way magic happen for them. You’ll be part of build-ing confident people whose feelings and thoughts are clear, who have solid friendships, whose bodies reflect their self-confidence, and who can manage their lives well. And now with an enriched understanding of what listening can do, let’s return to skill building with another listening technique. After that we’ll encounter a head-on collision between two people with flat brains.

How to Listen Better: Technique #4 The second part of paraphrasing shifts the focus from the talkers’ feel-ings, in para-feeling, to their thoughts, by para-thinking, though the technique is similar. Use para-thinking ■ Put the talker’s thoughts, which include ideas, views, observations, facts, and perceptions, into your own words. When you put people’s thoughts into your language, they can hear them better. When they hear their thinking come back, filtered through your words, they can tell very quickly what they do and do not mean. For example a talker says, “I don’t know whether I want to be a sales-man or not. I think I’ll hold off on taking that selling class.” If that doesn’t make sense, you might say: “You should take the class to find out if you like selling.” But, this argument would likely bring resistance, “I don’t have time to find out whether I like selling. You know about our finances. I need to make money now.” If instead you used para-thinking, you could respond: “So it doesn’t make sense to you to take the sales course until you figure out what you want to do with your life...?” Hearing their own words coming back to them, he/she might say, “Right. (Pause) Though maybe taking the course would give me a clue about whether I could sell and whether I’d like it.” Putting the talker’s ideas into your words helps them see gaps in their thinking so they can sharpen their thoughts themselves. To clarify thinking is a process Clarifying our thinking has several stages. Thoughts form in our heads. We think about them, revise them, and roll them around in our minds to sharpen and polish them. The more often we come back to them the clearer they become. Saying our thoughts out loud is almost magical in helping us to refine them. Our brains react differently when we take our thoughts in through our ears, instead of just thinking them silently inside.

Para-thinking adds to the magic. When someone para-thinks back our fuzzy, silly, or unrealistic thoughts (or cracker-jack ones), it helps us to see that ourselves. When we hear someone else put our thoughts into their words, we discover yet a new level of clarity, objectivity, and validation that we can’t get by ourselves. Such feedback helps “separate the wheat from the chaff.” When you use para-thinking with people you care about or on yourself, it will help clarify the thinking processes. Such clarity opens the door to new thoughts, options, and actions.

Chapter 6 The Flat-Brain Tango nOw fOr a lOOk at what happens when we encounter people with that cluster of symptoms I’ve called, “The Flat-Brain Syndrome.” A flat-brained person slumps toward us and the “The Flat-Brain Tango” music begins. Will we help that person calm down, think straighter, and relate better or will we catch what they have? The plot thickens. “Flat-Brain” in the picture represents someone who is depressed, excited, angry, happy, fearful. Their system is on overload and the mouth tends to enter hyper-drive, making it difficult for those nearby to remember it is con-nected to a flat brain and fat belly. This person can infect every one at a party, in an office, or on your block with flatbrainitis. But the issue becomes more pressing one-on-one. Negatively load-ed flat-brainers are more of a problem than positives. They are “on the peck” as my family used to say. The air hangs heavy around such folks, making it hard for individuals who encounter them to breathe, think, and not get defensive. The person named “Thud” represents us, relaxed and happy with stomach, heart, and head working well. But when F-B’s three functions go on overload, the emotional disturbance (1) jolts his/her head (2) and the attached mouth opens sending a ver-bal accusation (attack) toward Thud. The opening salvo might sound like: “You don’t pay me enough for the job I’m do-ing.” Or, “I’ll tell you how we are, my hus-band just died.” Or, “Why did you order that green couch?” Each one is loaded with un-described emotion and hidden accusation. Chapter Six: The Flat-Brain Tango Thud Flat-Brain 2 1 3 When someone hits you with one of these, you’ll recognize it by the sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach (3), which I call “the thud experience.” To illustrate, we’ll follow the busi-ness accusation example. The hit in the gut activates Thud’s flat-brain pro-cess (3 & 4). So what happens? Well of course, a defense (attack) (5): “We’re paying you all the company can afford.” Does that help? Certainly not. When we defend ourselves, we attack the very people who already have fat bellies, hard hearts, and flat brains. We add to their upsets, reducing even more their abilities to cope. So Flat-Brain responds: “The com-Flat-Brain 2 Thud 4 1 5 3 The Flat-Brain Tango pany has plenty to spend on your long lunches and travel.” And Thud defends: “But, I’m pro-ducing enough to warrant them.” F-B: “Right. It helps when you’re part of the boss’s family.” Thud: “Family or not, your produc-1 tion doesn’t merit an increase.” F-B: “Your so-called production is all in your head.” Thud: “And you don’t work here anymore. You’re fired.” Keep in mind that though we call it “defending ourselves,” defense and attack are identical. A mortar fired in defense maims and kills as thoroughly as one fired in attack. The same is true for relationships. You can see it here. Defending ourselves by hitting Flat-Brain in the stomach increases F-B’s pain, which flattens his/her brain even more and acti-vates another round of defense (attack). The dance goes on. This flat-brained tango between people is like escalation between countries. You add a few soldiers at the border. We bring in a tank or two. You deploy some guided missiles. We ... and pretty soon it’s all-out war. How often have we watched that between people and countries? A courtroom culture Another name for the flat-brain tango might be “courtroom.” We can’t turn on television without finding lawyers, juries, and judges battling for victory. Many talk shows have morphed into shouting matches and newscasters slid into advocacy and political rants. Winning seems to be everything. TV reared some of us with Perry Mason, Matlock, and LA Law, hit its stride with The Practice, Judging Amy, countless versions of Law and Order, struck our funny bones with Boston Legal, upped the drama with The Good Wife, and went high tech and psychology with Bull. Legal thrillers roll off bookstore and library shelves and download to fill our screens. There are and will be more shows and books subtly training us in the art of personal warfare. TV parades celebrity criminal cases in tiresome detail until the pub-lic says it can hardly bear it, yet advertisers know the ratings — people watch by the hour. Even “regular” people get in on the act, agreeing to have their minor skirmishes settled by robed actor-like judges. The flat-panel screen, legal thrillers, news and opinion shows groom us to practice a litigious and contentious style of communication. These recent years in politics conservatives and progressives seem to have lost their ability to compromise and tend toward party line vot-ing, name calling, demonizing and blaming the other side. Our cultural norm says that when attacked, we have “the right to defend ourselves.” Does that improve relationships? Such courtroom es-calation and argumentativeness creeps in to how we relate. It turns a lot of communicating into win/lose games. Many of us find it hard to talk without accusing, or listen without defending, and so goes the Flat-Brain Tango. A common courtroom-kitchen exchange starts when she accuses: “You’re late for dinner again.” He defends: “What’s the point? You never have dinner ready when I get The Flat-Brain Tango home.” And she: “The point is, you are never here for me or the children.” He: “Somebody’s got to make a liv-ing. You don’t bring in any money.” She: “I thought you wanted me to be a stay-at-home mother.” He parries: “Right. You watch TV 1 all day. Our house is a mess and the kids are out of control.” We all know the courtroom games so well, if you scratch one of us, you’ll find a prosecuting attorney or defense lawyer right under the surface. Our defensiveness is so pervasive it even raises its ugly head when we talk about the weather. A person looking at the sky says, “It’s going to be a hot one today.” Without missing a beat someone within earshot counters with, “See those clouds. Looks like rain. Better not forget your umbrella.” Low-level de-fensiveness perhaps, but argumentative and alienating just the same. Such edgy defensiveness exacts a high cost in relationships. Even at this low level, it’s no fun. It undermines our being relaxed with each other. We don’t think or act as well when we operate in a self-protective mode. When we judge others or get judged ourselves, we are immediately into a courtroom dance, where accusing and defending, winning and losing become the music. The result: We don’t let ourselves get close to people who judge us and those whom we judge stay away from us as well. Courtroom or collaboration? In business when someone makes a mistake, others often make accusa-tions like: “You’re wrong again.” “Another stupid mistake.” “Are you trying to ruin the company?” In courtroom thinking we make a case, determine guilt, and exact punishment. Compare this approach to a healthy partnership in which the shared intention is to collaborate for the good of the company. Comments might sound like: “Let’s describe the situation accurately so we can understand it and fix any fall-out from the mistake.” “Let’s figure out how it happened so we can avoid it next time.” “If we understand everyone’s strengths and weaknesses, we can work together better and make this business more successful.” One approach is judgmental; the other is not. Courtroom puts down; collaboration builds up. The latter seeks ways to work together. It is a version of win-win. While courtroom conversations may look like win-lose, more realistically, they’re lose-lose. The flat-brain tango is as costly in business as it is in personal re-lationships. Keeping everyone pulling in the same direction matters in both, as it does in running non-profits, the church, government, and all forms of collaborative human endeavors. I hope you will be able to recognize the flat-brain tango when you feel it coming (the thud reminder). It’s the first step to gaining the know-how to get out of it and move into cooperative, more enjoyable relationships. −∞− How to Listen Better: Technique #5 The next listening technique (alternate feelings and thoughts) will give you a clue about helpfully handling the Flat-Brain Tango. And we’ll hit it again harder in the next chapter. Alternate feelings and thoughts ■ Don’t let talkers stay focused too long on either their feelings or their thoughts, that is, Carefully move them back and forth between the two. Feelings are personal reactions to situations and they motivate behavior. Thoughts are observations and interpretations about what’s going on in those situations. They help us determine behavior. When talkers dwell on how depressed they are (feelings), they get more depressed. When they lock into a litany of complaints about their spouses (thoughts), they get angrier by the minute. If they stay focused on either one, emotional intensity increases, clear thinking decreases, and the ability to learn from ex-perience diminishes. When you help talkers alternate feelings and thoughts, you help them see how each one effects the other. Part of good listening is to help people rec-ognize their feelings and thoughts and to clarify the interactions between the two. Gently guiding folks back and forth between their stomachs and heads produces growth. Because feelings and thoughts are connected, it takes surfacing both to gain clarity and make way for good decision-making. When you hear a feeling, if you listen carefully, you’ll find it ac-companied by a thought. When you hear a thought expressed, you’ll find a feeling lurking beneath it. When you hear a feeling without a thought, or vice versa, you’re getting only half of what’s going on in the talker and your talker might be in the same boat. This conversation will use acknowledge, repeat accurately, para-feel-ing, para-thinking, and explore the future. (Explore the future is Tech-nique # 28.) For example: Talker: “The jerk threw an ashtray at me. He’s always doing stupid things like that.” Listener: “So he threw an ash tray at you...? Did that frighten you...?” (moves from thinking to feeling) Talker: “It scared me first, then I got angry.” Listener: “So you were really scared and angry...? What did you do then...?” (moves from feeling to thinking) Talker: “After I ducked, I yelled at him and broke his favorite golf club.” Listener: “Broke his favorite golf club...? How did that feel...?” (moves from thinking to feeling) Talker: “A lot better.” Listener: “Mmmm...? Better...? Then what did you do...?” (moves from feeling to thinking) Talker: “I took a walk around the block to calm down.”

Listener: “Did the stroll relax you...?” (from thinking to feeling) Talker: “No it didn’t. I got irritated again when I remembered how much I paid for his golf clubs.” Listener: “So remembering about breaking his expensive club really both-ered you...? What do you think about it now...?” (from feeling to thinking) Talker: “Well, the club isn’t important, but my marriage is.” Listener: “So trashing the club doesn’t matter, but you are concerned about your marriage...?” (from thinking to feeling) Talker: “Yes, I want to turn it around before it gets any worse.” Listener: “Sounds like you want to save your marriage...? What can you do about it...?” (moves from para-feeling to explore the future or nexting. Talker: “Yes, I do. I guess I’m ready to call a marriage counselor.” Listener: “Do you have one in mind or would you like a referral...?” The listener helped the talker alternate feelings and thoughts, that is, “label, define, and describe” them. Three things my favorite psychiatrist repeatedly urged his counseling students to do. It fits here. This helps talkers see how their feelings affect their thinking, behav-iors, and situations; and how their thoughts, behaviors, and situations affect their feelings. As a result, the talker calmed down, thought more clearly, and moved toward a solution. Incidentally, when you find yourself uptight and confused you can use this method on yourself. Gently move yourself back and forth be-tween your emotions and your thoughts, between your personal reac-tions and your situation, until you relax and think more clearly. It works like a charm and allows emotional energy to subside and thinking to clear, which can produce new insights and behaviors. Now let’s see how to get out of the flat-brain tango.

Chapter 7 Opting Out of the Flat-Brain Tango when we catch Ourselves slipping into the Flat-Brained Tango, can we stop and de-escalate the situation? Yes we can, but it means giving up what seeming advantage we get out of arguing and trying to win. Victors or friends? The classic Pink Panther movie, starring Peter Sellers as the clumsy In-spector Clouseau, included a scene where the wily rogue plied the gor-geous young princess with charm and fine champagne. David Niven played the charmer and Claudia Cardinale the charmee. Towards the end of the evening, after considerable wooing and intoxicating, she raised a pointed question, “Now that I’ve become vulnerable, I guess we’ll find out whether you are going to be victor or friend.” This pinpoints a fundamental issue: Is the goal in our relationships to be victors or friends? Will we let our insecurities drive us toward win-ning and control, or will we risk trying to hear and understand each other so that we can act together for mutual good? Embarrassed, I remember an early marriage argument over a pur-chase. I “argued better” and I won. Arguing better isn’t always beneficial. While the sewing machine I advocated might have been technically the best available, the purchase didn’t consider the needs and desires of the principal user, my wife. (She never used it as much as she had wanted and it remained a reminder of a power decision fiasco.) Our relationship suffered, because someone won and and someone lost. In relationships someone winning most often makes everyone a loser. The need to win I’m not talking here about those times when winning may be es-sential to living lives of integrity, to protecting our families, or to main-taining a healthy society, because certainly, there are times when fight-ing is essential. But deciding which of these are critical issues is made more difficult by our unhealthy need to win (and be right). The need to win can get in the way of our doing what’s best for people. The difference between an unhealthy need to win and a healthy drive to win, shows up most obviously in sports. Winning at any cost (need to win) includes using drugs, cheating, and even intentionally injuring other players. A healthy competitive drive to win includes hard training, concentration, investing full energy, and even owning up to a bad line call that favors the opponent. We applaud such straightforward competitiveness and call it sportsmanship. While most of us like to win, for me, this becomes unhealthy when it is additionally fueled by anxiety — where we “must” win to assuage our insecurities and prove ourselves, even at the cost of fair play. I re-cently saw a picture of two people face-to-face, yelling at each other, each shouting, “I’m not arguing. I’m just explaining why I’m right.” Neither had a clue how their flat-brained need to win prevented them from re-alizing that they were in fact arguing and trying to win over the other. This kind of winning is about gaining power over people. This negative need to win in relationships shows up when we put winning an argument ahead of treating others with respect, when we interrupt folks with a barrage of facts, when we give up discussing issues in favor of attacking character and motives, and when we defend ourselves by belittling others. And these short-lived victories — putting ourselves up by putting others down — can we give them up in favor of messy and risky experi-mental cooperation?

This unkind and unhealthy part of us seems deeply ingrained But, it is possible to counter this urge, to avoid painfully escalating en-counters like the stormy night episode. As I worked with people I began to see this underlying issue: That chances to deepen our connections come as we gradually let go of our need to win. But to acknowledge this negative part of us and stop it from spoiling our relationships, requires serious self-examination and constant vigilance. When we recognize our tendencies to relate to each other in this courtroom-like manner, we have identified the enemy. Giving up our defensiveness lets us hear the hurt and caring hidden beneath someone else’s anger. Then we can begin to turn destructive win-lose games into come-alive cooperation. In short, we can go for being friends, rather than victors. Handling a “thud” But how do we do it? For starters, when we sense a thud feeling, we reframe it. Instead of going into auto-defense mode and making the situation worse, we see it as our bodies telling us that a new response is needed to help a hurting (attacking) person. If you want to shut off the music and de-escalate the flat-brain tango, no-tice the thud and don’t defend yourself. While I’m afraid that escalation in our culture is “normal” behavior, we have the option of what a management expert called “deviant” behavior — a deviation from the norm (a mathematical phrase). That is, not doing what everyone else does, but unlearning those parry-ing patterns of communication and trying new ones. I invite you to join me in a radical attempt at “deviant” behavior. I’m suggesting that we shift our goals from winning to understanding and move from courtroom to partnership in our relationships. This is a fundamental attitude adjustment. It also could be called putting love into action.

Again, feeling the thud is your first clue that the other person has a problem and therefore needs your help. A friend said this is one of the most useful book ideas for her: “Now when I feel a thud, I think, oh, this person’s got a problem and needs help.” However, when we experience a thud, our immediate tendency is to think that we have a problem and need to defend ourselves. If the thud shakes us up enough to flatten our brains, then we do have a problem, but our problem is different from the one that Flat-Brain hit us with. So now there are two problems, Flat-Brain’s and ours. If we focus on ours, we end up escalating the situation and providing no help to the other person with their problem. When I notice the sinking sensation in my gut and feel like defend-ing myself, before my brain goes completely flat, I try to remind myself that what I expect of myself is not “standard” cultural defensiveness, but rather “deviant” behavior. I’ve been struggling with this for years. Some days I pull it off. On others, when my brain goes flat, I botch it completely. But then I try to figure out how to rebuild something out of the rubble. Do I deserve a shot? Feeling the thud raises a basic question for me: Do I deserve it? Do I in particular have it coming? I’ve thought that over pretty carefully and here’s my thinking: We all do some good and some bad. We don’t do all the things we should and we do things we shouldn’t. As near as I can tell, none of us does ev-erything right. So we all share some guilt. Therefore, none of us deserves to be judge over the rest of us. Since we’re all in the same boat, none of us has being judged coming any more than anyone else. I figure I’m a basically nice person, that is, a BNP, and as far as I’m concerned, that goes for you too. So, we don’t deserve getting worked over. As a result, we have no need to defend ourselves. We’re free then not to get wrapped up in our own guilt feelings. Especially, we ought not be wasting time wallowing in our guilt when there are fat-bellied, hard-hearted, and flat-brained people who need our help. If we keep that in mind when our insides go thud, we can refocus on dealing with the dance, Flat-Brain, and his/her problem. Changing communication habits How do we begin to change old habits? First, we recognize and admit that we are often more interested in our point of view and getting our way than in building rapport and finding out what anyone else thinks and feels. Wait a minute before you say: “Not me. I’m really interested in what others have to say.” Think back. Have you ever noticed that when others are talking, your mind tends to jump ahead to what you think? We often frame arguments while waiting for others to quit talking. Some call this “ritual listening.” It looks like listening, but it’s not. It’s waiting for the other person to pause or take a breath so we can get our point across (and win). The result: We pay attention to what we want to say. We don’t focus on what other people are trying to say. Being good listeners requires shifting focus from our interests to the interests of others. It means concentrating on their thinking rather than your own. Try it in your next conversation with a friend, relative, or business associate. Set aside your own concerns. Ask yourself what they are think-ing, what their concerns are, and why they are acting the way they are. See how long you can stay focused on their perceptions rather than on what you want to say or on what is going on with you. You may be sur-prised at how hard it is for you to hear them out. The double-reverse-twist When someone with a flat-brain starts the tango with me, I use the double-reverse-twist to stay out of it. Follow the numbers and the ar-rows on the line to see how it works for me: I start with a quick look at my stomach (1): “Ugh, I’ve been hit (thud feeling).” I follow that acknowledgement with an actual “gulp” (2). It stops the jolt before it flattens my brain by giving me the physical sensation of swallowing the urge to defend myself. I check back with my stomach (3). What does being hit mean, if I’m a basically nice person (BNP) and don’t have it coming? Aah, F-B can’t see or remember that I’m a friend, that we’re in this together. Must be a flat brain (4) or he/she’d know better than to attack me. He/she has a problem. Keep following the line. Where does the flat brain (4) come from? I remember. The stomach must be on overload (5). Nearly having a flat brain from the attack, I gradually unfold this process into understand-ing and dealing with what’s going on between F-B and me. Let’s use the business illustration from Chapter # 6 and put words to the double-reverse-twist. Follow the line again: Flat-Brain: “You don’t pay me enough for the job I’m doing!!!” Thud: To myself (1) I say, “Ugh, I’ve 4 Gulp! 2 5 1 3 been hit (thud).” If my brain is in danger of flattening beyond usefulness, I relieve my stomach by saying, “Oops, that blew my mind. Give me that again...? I don’t want to misunderstand you...?” F-B: “You don’t pay me enough and I need a raise!!” Thud: I gulp (2) and stop it from taking out my head functions. I remind myself I’m a BNP and F-B doesn’t realize that (3). I also think: This valuable employee must be really upset to attack like that. I catch my breath and then follow the Double-Reverse-Twist line to F-B’s flat brain (4) and repeat accurately what I find there: “So, you’re not getting paid enough and need more money...?” F-B: “Right on! This cheap company doesn’t take care of its employees.” Thud: I acknowledge the head (4) and shift toward the stomach (5) where the heat is coming from: “Sounds like the way the company treats its employees makes you really angry...?” Acknowledging what’s bothering F-B, begins the downshift from anger to resentment: “Yeah. I’ve never liked the way it treats family and others who work here differently.” T: This little shot at me (boss’s family) shakes me enough that I need to recycle through steps (1) to (3) before I can again focus on (4). To myself (1) I say, “Ugh. Hit again.” I do another gulp (2). To myself (3): “Hitting a BNP means F-B is still really upset and flat-brained.” Then I can handle getting back to (4) again: “So the company’s nepotism hasn’t helped (para-thinking)...?” Then I’d go for (5): “So it looks to you like the company has a problem with nepotism (para-thinking)...?” Then I’d go for (5): “Sounds like you’ve been irritated for some time. (para-feeling)” F-B: “Well I have. I like working here, but I’m struggling financially and need to figure something out.” (This conversation would take longer, but I shortened it to illustrate the process.) Reflecting head, stomach, and heart talk Once I get the double-reverse-twist rolling, then I gently move Flat-Brain back and forth between head talk (4) and stomach talk (5) (alter-nate feelings and thoughts). That helps F-B reduce emotional buildup and clarify thinking. Growth (therapy) happens when a person moves back and forth between head functions (4) and stom-ach functions (5), the two worlds of thinking and feel-ing. Remember, practicing para-feeling, para-thinking, and alternate feelings and thoughts? Really useful here. While moving back and forth between head and stomach is basic, an occasional detour through the heart functions is helpful to humanize the absolutes popping out of Flat-Brain. When Flat-Brain said, “You don’t pay me enough for the job I’m doing.” Thud might have led F-B through the heart (4 to 6) by saying, “So you think you’re not getting paid enough for your work.” Or, when F-B said, “This cheap company doesn’t take care of its em-ployees.” Thud could say (4 to 6), “It looks to you as though this company doesn’t take care of its employees.” Or, you could say (5-6), “You’re pretty upset with the company. It looks to you as though...” Diving through heart talk like this can help F-B see that his views are his and not everyone’s, or the absolute truth. This helps reactivate his heart functions. He’ll become more aware that he’s describing his own concerns and more open to the views of others. Let’s dance to a new song When your stomach goes thud And your brain goes flat, When your eyeballs begin to bulge And your ears start to close, When you want to defend yourself And attack someone else, Don’t. Swallow hard, gulp it down, And do the double-reverse-twist. Someday, I think I’ll set that to music. −∞− How to Listen Better: Technique #6 When communication attempts get muddled and sticky, I resort often to decode as one of the most effective and simplest listening techniques to master. It’s a winner in defusing the Flat-Brain Tango. Decode ■ Decode messages by checking your translation with the talker, “What I heard you say was (fill it in). Ask: “Is what I heard what you meant...?” Our culture teaches us to “encode” messages, that is, to say something a little off from what we mean and to listen for what we expect, rather than what the talker intends. So, we neither say what we mean nor hear what is said. This double filtering makes communication difficult unless we learn to listen below the surface. The “Meant, Said, Ex-Meant pected, Heard Syndrome” shows what happens to the messages we send and receive. For example: This exchange between a traditional husband and wife: The husband meant to say to the wife, “Honey, I was thinking about how much I love you and appreciate you for what you do for me and the children. I want to do something nice for you. I want to give you a break and take you out to dinner and that movie you’ve wanted to see.” But, what the husband actually said (after being filtered through his defensive grid) was, “If you can get a babysitter, I’ll take you to that movie you’ve been bug-ging me about.” The wife figures that even though the spouse has been distant all week, he’ll want sex this Friday evening. She listens for what she expected. What she heard (after being filtered through her defensive grid) was: “I suppose I’ll have to take you to dinner and the movie you’ve been nagging about to warm you up for later.” She responds to what she heard, “No way. You’re not buying me off. You’ve been an absent husband and father all week.” Befuddled, he says, “Why are you so angry? I just told you how much I love you.” And she replies, “You did not. You just pressured me for sex.” It might have helped if he’d not encoded the message and clearly stated what he meant: “Honey, I’ve been really busy and tied in a knot over work lately, and you’ve been understanding with me and carried more than your share with the children. I appreciate it and want to do something to let you know I’m grateful. If you would like a night out, I’ll get a babysitter and take you to dinner and a movie. And you can relax.” It is possible for us to say things directly if we take the time to be clear about what we really want to say. It might have helped if she’d listened, that is, used decode, and asked if what she heard is what he meant to say: “What I heard was, ‘If you give me what I’ve been nagging about, will I come through with sex tonight...?’ Is that what you meant...?” Then he could have clarified: “Sorry, that may be close to what I said, but it’s not what I meant. I intended to say that I’d noticed how you covered for me this week and carried extra weight with the offspring. I want to do something to show my ap-preciation. I thought you’d like me to take you to din-ner, because I know you like to eat food you didn’t have to cook and get a break from being a mother. And I re-Meant Heard membered there was a movie you wanted to see.” She responds with para-feeling and para-thinking, “So you’re trying to tell me you appreciate me and think I’d enjoy a night out...?” And he says, “Un-huh.” And she says, “Well, I’m glad to hear that and sure, I’d love to. Let’s do it.” When what someone says makes you feel defensive (thud), try de-code and find out what message the person is really trying to convey. Say and ask: “What I heard was (fill it in) ... Is that what you meant...?” Working together, it’s possible to get beneath what was said and expected, to what was actually meant and heard. What makes the dif-ference is taking the time to decode what one person meant and to find out what the other person heard. (In case you are wondering, it helps if one person uses decode and even more effective when both do.) When we move together in decoding, we develop that elusive understanding that keeps us out of useless arguments and heals relationships. No one knows what anyone actually said? How often have you heard conversations like this? Sam: “You didn’t say that.” Emily: “I did too.” Sam: “Look, I remember what I heard. My ears and memory work just fine.”

Emily: “I’m the one who said it. I should know what I said.” Don’t waste time or emotional energy on this kind of argument ever again. Let’s be real here. No one knows what either person really said. One of us remembers what we meant to say, not in fact what we said, and the other remembers what we expected to hear, not what was actually said. What we remember is skewed by our intentions or our expectations. So, no one of us can ever find out what was really said. In addition, what was actually said doesn’t matter anyway. People don’t act on what anyone said, but rather on what they meant or what they heard. From here on, the operative words are heard and meant. And again, to decode an encoded message, say and ask: “What I heard was (fill it in)...? Is that what you meant...?”