Psychology The Role of Listener Assignment

Chapter 14

TLC — What Does the Listener Do? Petersen, J. (2022). Why Don’t We Listen Better? Communicating & Connecting in Relationships (3rd ed.). MBS Content.  https://mbsdirect.vitalsource.com/books/MBS7916214

learning tO listen well encourages talkers to invite you into their lives. Such listening cracks through facades, defenses, and dulled habits to the inner life of your talker’s concerns, passions, hopes, and fears. I hope your listening skills will grow so you can take your relation-ships to a different level, to make deeper human connections. When people take on a tangled issue, they usually do it from opposite sides of a room, tossing jabs at each other. Now, imagine one person get-ting up, walking around the coffee table (or desk) between them, sitting next to the other, and saying, “Let’s look at the problem from your side first.” In this image two people work together to figure out what one person is trying to say — two sets of eyes, experiences, memories, backgrounds, and problem-solving abilities focusing on one person’s perspective, until they both clearly understand that developing point of view. If they are a couple, they might touch each other or even hold hands. The concept works just as well in business, (but without the touching and hand-holding). Two heads better than one? Two heads aren’t better than one when they’re each advocating for their own positions at the same time. Butting heads leaves little room for gain-ing from the other’s insights. But two heads can create better solutions when together they take turns focusing on the view from one side of a table/desk at a time. What do you do as the listener in this picture? You cross the room, temporarily leaving your view, to fully focus on the talker’s concerns. Once both of you understand what the talker is trying to say, you both switch to the other side of the room. Can we do that when we’re seriously invested in the outcome? Yes, we can. But it will help us if we remember the talker is a person we care about or someone we need to interact with when we’re not arguing. It also helps to realize that listening is not selfless altruism. Listeners act both out of self-interest and interest in the other person. If we listen first, we help the other person gain clarity. That means we’re not caught in the fallout from their confusion. Since we take turns, the other person soon comes to our side and helps us gain clarity in our views. A fortune cookie summed it up: “The ultimate test of a relationship is to disagree but to hold hands.” Such listening is a developmental process. It opens up creative pos-sibilities beyond the painful compromises, silent cold wars, and grim resignations that we experience so often. As a bonus it can build bonds of trust and connection that support our endeavors. FIRST LISTENER GOAL — To provide safety The three goals on the TLC, to provide safety, to understand, and to clarify, focus our listening. Talkers can’t relax when they’re in danger of being put down. For them to share freely and examine their feelings and thoughts they need safety. If we can listen without defending ourselves, it will provide the safety necessary for them to flourish. LISTENER GOALS I’m calm enough to hear I don’t own the problem l l l Without l l To provide safety To understand To clarify Agreeing Disagreeing Advising Defending l l Instead of pointing at themselves and sharing, flat-brained talkers tend to point at us and range through accusing, attacking, labeling and judging. How do we keep from defending ourselves as listeners? We do the double-reverse-twist. In our imaginations we reach out, put the tip of our finger on theirs, carefully 5 1 3 curve it back toward the talker, and say, “You seem really upset and angry...? This must be tough for you...? Tell me what’s go-ing on with you...?” Under the pressure of hurt and anger, talkers say some pretty awful things. As listeners, we’ll need to watch ourselves. It’s a temptation to bank what talkers say to use on them later: “Well, you said you wanted out of this marriage.” Or, “You said you wouldn’t ever speak to me again.” Or, “You said you were going to quit.” Remember, they meant what they said when they were flat-brained, but now that they’ve calmed down, they probably don’t mean it anymore. While it’s difficult, let’s cut talkers some slack and apply the three-day-return rule to communication here. Let’s provide them an environ-ment where they can calm down, think in safety, and be able to change their minds (and even grow). Serious safety in a world of alligators Our society has in place traditions that support the principle of pro-viding safety. Miranda rights allow the accused to consult with a lawyer in confidence. Prisoners have the right to a priest who will hear their confession and not testify against them. States provide levels of confidentiality to various kinds of professional counselors. I believe people have a right to this kind of safety (except of course when someone reveals an intention to damage others). As listeners we share some of this responsibility. Keeping confi-dences is crucial to being a safety provider. When we really listen, we don’t use information shared in trust against talkers or others, then, or at a later time. Providing safety empowers talkers. Folk philosophy says, “When you’re up to your ass in alligators, it’s hard to remember your job is to clear the swamp.” When the world includes alligators that nip at our rears, defending ourselves takes so much energy we aren’t free to reflect or learn. We get so busy protecting ourselves, we forget why we are there, and what we are trying to say or do. A good listener removes alligators and secures a setting where talkers can focus on clearing their swamps. For example, I would need to feel safe with you before I’d risk let-ting you in on my issue with procrastination: “I guess I really do procras-tinate. I wonder if I learned it as a youngster. Or maybe I’m afraid that if I try something new, I’ll fail publicly. A lot of things I put off are painful. Maybe I procrastinate to try avoiding the pain. Mmmm. I don’t want to face the fact that pain is unavoidable. Come to think of it, procrastination just makes it last lon-ger. I wonder if there’s a better way for me to handle the painful tasks I avoid?” Imagine the same conversation but with an alligator nipping at my backside saying, “You never get things done on time. When you don’t come through the way you promised, I can’t count on you. If you don’t quit procras-tinating, I won’t ever be able to trust you.” How can I deal more effectively with my procrastination, if I’m busy thinking up retorts, like: “You’re not all that punctual yourself! You talk a good game. I remember times when you didn’t get your work done when I needed it. You’ve let me down, too.” We have trouble looking carefully at ourselves when we’re under fire. Safety enables us to assess ourselves, figure out what’s important, move toward change, and put energy into creative living. SECOND LISTENER GOAL — To understand Effective listening helps the listener understand and the talker clarify. These are the second and third listener goals on the card. Both are accom-plished by using the same techniques. Sometimes listening seems like a chore. But listening benefits us too, because we begin to understand others. We glimpse life through their eyes, perspectives, and experiences. When we deeply understand another human being’s motiva-tion, perspectives, and intentions, our perceptions grow and change. Un-derstanding other people’s behavior increases our response options.

I find that the longer I listen to others, the more I learn about life (and me). I’ve avoided many mistakes because I learned from the experi-ences other people shared with me. When we butt heads with others, more than likely we don’t know what they really want or intend. As a result, helpful negotiations are tough to achieve. As listeners, our lives become easier when we make the effort to understand where others are coming from, what concerns them, and why they do what they do. Non-judgmental listening Listening to understand requires a non-judgmental attitude that can go against what most of us were taught, that is, to listen for rights and wrongs. In our litigious culture judging other people or their perspec-tives comes easily, especially when we dislike them, their reactions, or how they see life. We may call them wrong, ignorant, or crazy. Labeling people usually reveals more about us, the “describers,” than the “describees.” People who represent various world religions and other points of view might well apply this thinking. How refreshing it would be if we all really listened to understand what made other folks tick, rather than jumped so quickly to judge their varied beliefs, practices, and behaviors. I find that when I spend the extra time and energy required to understand another person’s seemingly odd point of view, their behavior (which is based on their experience and understanding) makes more sense. And it does even though I might not agree with their opinions or choose that behavior myself. When understanding dawns on me about what motivated an-other’s “odd” behavior, then I say, “Oooh, so that’s why you acted that way!” Adopting an attitude of curiosity about others can move us from saying, “That was bizarre behavior.” To, “I wonder what contrib-uted to his/her acting that way?” Think of a youngster whose only family and protection have been his street gang. His fear of losing his safe haven among his peers and his desire to protect his friends causes him to stab an enemy gang member in a fight. Easy to judge him as a killer; harder to understand that his need for protection against the enemy resembles ours. Incar-ceration, of course, but hopefully someone will listen to understand what’s going on inside him. That way he might find human connection outside the gang and other possible ways to live. The adage often attributed to Native Americans about not judg-ing people until we’ve walked a mile in their moccasins fits here. With a curious, non-judgmental attitude we can understand behavior that we’d never condone. If we slip into condemning or condoning, we’ve stopped listening and started focusing on our own views rather than understanding the other. To understand means for listeners to become engaged in what talk-ers are trying to say — to see it, hear it, taste it, touch it, feel it, reflect it, and respect it. I want you to become a cohort with your talkers so you struggle together to learn what they are trying to share with you. Listening: dangerous to our opinions Listening is risky business. It may cost you some of your long-held points of view. When I listen to people who see life from other perspectives than mine, I imagine putting my beliefs, values, and points of view into the top drawer of my desk and carefully shutting it, so I’m free to get into their experiences. After walking through their lives with them, seeing the world from their vantage points, and feeling as much as I can through their senses, I return to the drawer to check on my beliefs, values, and views. Some have changed, others evaporated, while yet others remain the same, or even grow stronger. Really listening means we might end up seeing things differently. This process unsettles me and benefits me, but then that’s what learning and growing are all about. THIRD LISTENER GOAL — To clarify Listening to clarify helps talkers recognize their thinking and feeling. It enables them to better understand themselves and the interac-tion between their feelings, thoughts, behav-iors, and world.

To clarify fine-tunes the talker’s position and allows it to develop. It encourages talkers to move toward decisions that are fitting for them, not simply the first options that come to mind. Clarifying helps dive down through layers of meaning to uncover what the talker has only sensed might be there, but hasn’t laid hands on yet. Many people discover what they think by talking out loud. Some figure it out inside their heads without talking, but most of us are “out-side thinkers,” that is, we benefit by hearing what we are saying. Because thinking and feeling develop as we talk, what we say early in a conversa-tion may not resemble our conclusions after a while. In my marriage we learned that talking things over every few days helps us generate plans and steps for our relationship. One of us might suggest downsizing to Puget Sound, but we don’t start packing. Over time, saying it enough times and analyzing the implications has made it clear we want to stay put. It worked much like that when my last church planned phases of building. We’d talk about what we wanted, possible programs, the needs and desires of various age groups, directions in the community and world around us and again, over time, saying it aloud, good ideas surfaced, bum ideas fell away, directions clarified and when they did, we’d build the next phase. No one said, “But six months ago we were planning to build such and such.” We had agreed we’d talk and reflect until a plan formed we’d all buy into. A good listener realizes that this happens and doesn’t hold a talker to what was said early on. To clarify takes patience. Quick responses like, “How can you think that?” Or, “That won’t work.” Or, “If that’s the way you want it, I’m out of here,” prevent talkers from thinking their way through to new conclu-sions. The listeners’ job, over time, is to help talkers figure out what they mean. As you listen well, you’ll help increase both your understanding and the talker’s clarity. For most of us, using listening techniques that do this are learned skills. (And I hope you’ve been practicing.)

But will listening change anyone? People who are impatient for change in others often ask irritably, “But, can you change anyone’s behavior by listening?” The question masks a statement such as, “Listening is a waste of time unless it gets people to agree with me or do what I want them to do.” To answer the surface question about whether listening helps people change, yes, often it does, but not necessarily or quickly. Now, back to the issue beneath the question. If our motivation for listening is to get someone to think or act our way, then we’ll probably push (talk) more than listen. Pushing produces resistance. While sometimes we can get people to knuckle under, it usually doesn’t last. I love the phrase “vicious com-pliance.” It describes so well what happens when someone gives up and goes along and makes it clear that “you’ll pay for it in the end.” People who “give in” usually find a way to pay us back (and win). On the other hand, effective listening allows talkers to relax and reconsider their concerns, opinions, and actions. Talkers can think new thoughts and choose to act differently when they aren’t too busy pro-tecting themselves and their old ways. After having been heard, they’ll be able to listen to us better. They might see us differently and develop new concern for us. The best chance that others will change their behavior toward us grows out of their new understanding and caring for us, rather than from any pressure we might bring to bear. When you show me where your back itches and I like you, I’ll scratch your itch. Or if I realize how much something I do bothers you, I might make a change because I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Healthy humans try not to cause distress in others without good reason. While we often change because of understanding and caring, at times we choose not to change in order to maintain our identity and/ or integrity. Sometimes listening doesn’t work with problem people Some talkers aren’t interested in being heard and understood. They re-ally want control. This becomes obvious when talkers say something like: “I’m tired of just being heard. Knock off this listening crap and quit bugging me!” Roughly translated this means, “I’m not happy because you aren’t giving in and I am not getting my way.” These talkers want control, not communication. In such situations good listening skills can keep us from getting hooked into their control needs, but won’t often produce clarification or growth for them. Sometimes highly experienced listeners can use the techniques so well that they can help controlling talkers recognize what they’re doing, and move beyond it to cooperation. But that’s a real challenge. At other times it’s best to think of high control-need people, not as folks with a problem to discuss, but as “problem people.” They don’t have much ability to engage in dialogue because they’re locked into their own agendas (serious flat-brains). A word of caution here for novice listeners — practice with people you trust. Problem people with heavy control needs can hurt you. What can you do if listening does no good? Best be realistic here and move on with your life, that is, listen to people where doing it im-proves their lives and yours. You might say to the problem person (only if it looks right to you) something like, “You seem bent on having your way. Guess you’ll have to do that on your own. I’m not willing to continue in a relationship that does not include acknowledging two points of view and respectful conversation.” And when they “Yes, but...” say, “Yes,” and repeat back gently everything they said after the “but” — as you are going out the door. Listening into people’s lives At the beginning of this chapter I told you I wanted you to listen in a way that gently encourages talkers to invite you into their lives. If this works, it is a progressive process. They share, we accept, they trust more, they share more, and so on. People don’t bare their souls up front. It takes gentleness, respect, and time. The image this evokes in me when I’m counseling is of the talker’s house. First, I’m invited onto their porch. If it goes well and I’m not a threat, I’m asked into the living room. We look around together and I get a sense for how they live and what’s important to them. If I don’t pry or push, we go to the kitchen for coffee and an understanding of their family relationships. If that works and they still feel safe, they offer me a piece of cake or pie. When I trust them enough to eat something of theirs, they trust me to share a little deeper. Then they might show me into their hobby areas, or perhaps their junk rooms for a look at their eccentricities. As long as I operate in an accepting way we move on to see their cup-boards, their closets, their cob-webbed hidden areas, and finally their dark places — under the stairs, the crawl spaces, and basements and all in their lives that goes with darkness. Once they find that I accept and value all there is to know about them and respect them, they grow to accept themselves as well. Hav-ing shared their entire lives with me, they become relaxed and secure enough so they can join me, go out the front door, and risk seeing how I live and what I value in life. When they can comfortably walk through the house of my life, they increase in their ability to handle the lives and houses of their friends and others too. For me this is what listening can do for others. And the gift for us as listeners? People share their sacred moments and life stories with us. What a privilege. −∞− How to Listen Better: Technique #13 When multiple feelings come into play for your talker and/or you and need sorting, assigning numbers to feelings often helps. This is so basic and practical I’ve already referred to it earlier in the book and will return to it in Chapter 22. Number feelings ■ Ask talkers to put numbers to their emotions so they can see how strong their feelings are and compare them. Use a zero to ten scale to understand how strong the talkers’ feelings are. Ask: “On a zero to ten scale, name and rank your feeling levels...?” A guy in turmoil over whether to get married and buy a house with his fiancé, might respond, “Getting married frightens me a lot, about a ten, but I love her a twenty-seven.” (Some emotions pop off the chart and go way beyond ten. That can be illuminating!) He continues. “I don’t have many feelings about buying. Nothing strong. A little anxiety, having never owned a home before, a four; and some excitement about finding a place that fits us, a seven. I guess I’m mostly torn between loving her and fear of making a mistake.” Once he gets clear about his emotional energies, he’ll notice that they are thirty-four pro and fourteen con. I’d say next, “So you’re not one hundred percent either way, but you’re heavily leaning toward marriage and a home, about thirty-four to fourteen. How does that sound to you...?” As listeners, when we ask for numbers, we help talkers recognize their feelings and give them a way to describe them. We help make their decision-making a lot easier. Special case: Guys and their feelings Current folklore suggests that men don’t know how they feel. Either they don’t recognize their emotions or can’t describe them. Does num-ber feelings work for men? It usually does. Most men like numbers. We (guys) can almost al-ways attach a number to our emotional levels when asked. So when you want to know how bothered a guy is, ask: “So you’re not ‘really both-ered...?’ How bothered are you...? Give me a number between zero and ten...?” And he’ll say without hesitation, “Four.” Or, “Six.” Traditional guys often know how we feel, but many of us don’t know how to describe our feelings. Or we are put off by the word “feel-ings,” and balk. Numbering them gets around this. To test this approach, try using numbers for preferences in a food conversation. You’ll need a plus-ten to minus-ten though, because with food a negative dislike ranks below a no-feeling zero. After a guy says, “I don’t really care what I eat. You decide.” Ask: “So give me a plus-ten to minus-ten on your interest in pizza, chicken, and steak...?” And he says, “Oh, like I said, I don’t really care, but, well, ah, pizza? Minus-five. Chicken? Plus-one. And steak? Plus-five.” “I don’t really care.” Or, “I don’t really care that much,” usually means less than a six, but noticeable enough to identify when asked clearly. And certainly, enough to get in the way of cooperative decision-making. We can’t make clean decisions if we actually care but think we don’t. After he’d said, “I don’t really care,” if he’d found out the young-sters wanted pizza, he might have said, “No way! I can’t face another pizza.” And he “really” thought it didn’t matter “that much” to him but it did. Pizza was a minus-five. Often women in my communication workshops are skeptical about whether this works. So we test it. I ask the men to stand up. I say, “Chicken,” and everyone says a number that indicates how much they’d like some at that moment. Then, “Pizza.” Then “An arugula salad.” I’ve never had a guy who couldn’t do it on the spot. It works just as well when I ask them to put numbers to their interests in vacation options. The same men who would say to their wives: “Oh, it really doesn’t matter. Wherever you want to go as long as it doesn’t cost too much,” give immediate numbers for camping, cruises, fishing, Mexico, St. Petersburg, or Guam. Low-level feelings When my wife and I first started numbering our feelings, we discovered that her nine and a half excitement was comparable to my four and a half. If she was a little bothered, it was three, while mine was one and a half. We have friends who regularly get excited an eighteen, while they never become bothered less than a five. Emotional ranges vary from person to person, so when you are lis-tening you need to make allowances. Try to figure out whether one of you operates with a higher or lower range than the other. When I indicate a two interest — discomfort, irritation, desire, or fear — she responds, “Oh, low-level, hunh...?” And compares it to about a four or five on her scale. This bit of short-hand works well for us in understanding ourselves and each other. This simple number feelings tool makes our decision-making easier. I share this decision-making method in pre-marital counseling. Many of those couples came back years later and tell me that it was one of the most helpful things they learned from me. They say they use it every day of their lives. As you listen and try to understand yourself and others, you may find numbering feelings instructing and useful. It will put a clear feel-ing-base under your decisions, and what’s more important, help keep your relationships personal and connected.

Chapter 15 TLC – Listen Without...

Agreeing, disAgreeing, advising, and defending get in the way of good listening. I listed these four Withouts on the LISTENER side of the card. I’m going to describe them so that you can catch yourself when you use any of them. While they may be fun, when we use them, talkers don’t get heard and we risk doing damage to our relationships. LISTEN — Without agreeing When I’m listening, it is my job to stay focused on understanding you. If I am inwardly or out-wardly agreeing with you, or even considering whether I agree or not, then I’m milling around in my thoughts, not yours. Agreeing is talking, not listening. To listeners the pressure to agree is often strong. Talkers sometimes ask for agreement to counteract their insecurity. While they may think agreeing is the support they want, if we give in and give it, that is, if we stop listening and start talking, it won’t help and they’ll likely get upset. LISTENER GOALS I’m calm enough to hear I don’t own the problem l l l l To provide safety To understand To clarify Without Agreeing Disagreeing Advising Defending l l l Even when they get what they want (agreement), it won’t satisfy them as well as being heard and understood. Example: A talker says, “You know my husband is just awful...” and follows with a five-minute litany of her husband’s faults, ending with, “You see why I’m so irritated with him? I think I should leave him.” If we agree, we talk and say, “I believe you’re right. I’ve noticed what an inconsiderate clod you married. I don’t know why you put up with him. He’s every bit as bad as you say,” she would feel unheard and likely defend her husband, “Yes, but we’ve been together all these years. Most guys are worse. At least mine doesn’t get drunk or beat me or cheat. And besides, you don’t really know him very well.” Somehow it’s all right for people to criticize the turkeys they mar-ried, live with, are related to, or work with, but it’s not okay for us to do it. If we agree with her and join her in attacking her husband, she’ll jump right in to defend him against us — arguing with us, even though it was her idea in the first place. What happened? We stopped listening. We focused on our think-ing not hers. We took time to decide whether or not we agreed and then, we told her what we thought. It’s important to catch ourselves when we start evaluating so we can get back to listening. In this case, it meant helping her finish dealing with her situation. Useful agreement Agreement can be used as a legitimate listening tool, but briefly, and only if the listener quickly dives right back into the talker’s story. This works when talkers get locked in a rut, like blaming someone else for their problems. Sometimes when this happens I intentionally start agreeing: “Your husband is completely responsible for your problems. You’ve been nothing but understanding and cooperative.” This may surprise her into taking the other side and defending her husband by starting to talk about his good points. It may gently jolt her out of her accusing pattern. But don’t forget to immediately hop back into her story and reflect what she is saying about her husband’s good points: “So you really appreciate your husband’s stability and honesty...?” It’s a tricky technique, but once in a great while, useful. If you try it, be excruciatingly honest with yourself about your intentions. Be careful not to use it to avoid listening, or worse, to play the “devil’s advocate role” in a way that bullies your talker.

Agreement, a substitute for friendship? A person pushing for agreement in effect says, “You would agree with me if you cared about me. Not agreeing means you must not care, so we must not be friends.” The need to agree becomes an important issue, when friend-ship is not established. A person with a strong desire for agreement is often looking for it as a substitute for friendship. If you sense this, surface and deal with it by using good listening techniques. Agreeing or disagreeing doesn’t matter between friends. Good communicators enjoy and learn from each other even when their views differ widely, since opposing ideas are no threat to mature friendship. LISTEN — Without disagreeing Like agreeing, disagreeing is also talking instead of listening. Disagreeing is more quickly and ob-viously argumentative as it too shifts the focus from the talker’s viewpoint to the listener’s. As a listener, try to keep from drifting away to your own thoughts. This gets especially challenging when we disagree with the talkers. If we go inside ourselves to think about how we are going to put our disagreement into words, we, in effect, leave the talkers alone to fend for themselves. Disagreeing with the wife in the example earlier would sound like: “When I worked with your husband, I found that he listens well and is under-standing. I don’t know why you have trouble with him.” When the listener opposes the talker, listening stops, defensiveness sets in, and learning goes out the window. Disagreeing with her defends him and attacks her. Not helpful. LISTENER GOALS I’m calm enough to hear I don’t own the problem l l l l To provide safety To understand To clarify Without Agreeing Disagreeing Advising Defending l l l The problem with disagreeing escalates when we listen to someone close to us. A wife says, “You’re a jerk.” The pressure for the husband to disagree turns intense, and can easily distract him from listening. However, neither agreeing nor disagreeing will help. If he agrees and says, “You’re right. I’m wrong,” that blocks her and leaves her unheard and alone. Agreeing here is a defensive move because it shuts her up. If he disagrees and says, “You’re wrong. I’m right,” that won’t help either, because disagreeing is talking when he should be listening. LISTEN — Without advising LISTENER GOALS I’m calm enough to hear I don’t own the problem l l l Without l l To provide safety To understand To clarify Agreeing Disagreeing Advising Defending l l The natural urge to help, which often produces advice, should be resisted until the talker is through talking and ready to listen. Advising too, is talking, not listening. The situation with the five-minute litany about the husband’s faults almost cried out for advising. If we did it, it might sound like, “I think you ought to divorce the guy.” How would she have responded? She might have come off the floor, defended her husband, and cataloged reasons to stay married. Or if we said, “Divorce is destructive, cruel and you have children — go see your pastor,” she might escalate her catalogue of his faults. Why do people say that advice is cheap? Because it seldom is taken and rarely does any good. And why do we keep on giving it? • We want to be helpful. • To be honest, giving advice makes us feel important. • Giving advice is much easier than listening all the way through someone’s dilemma. Many problems with advice come from poor timing, that is, advis-ing before the other person is able to hear, before their brain can relax the pressure on their ears. When we give advice too quickly, the talker usually rejects it with displeasure, and often retorts: “You never listen to me.” And, the talker is mostly right. We didn’t listen long enough. When talkers get frustrated, they’ll ask for advice before they’ve fin-ished doing their own sorting. Don’t be suckered in to advising. It puts oth-ers down. It implies that they can’t solve their problems as well as you can. Do quick answers pay off? Businesses usually foster competitive listening practices. They reward people for grasping issues and devising quick solutions. Being first may gain an advantage, but it may not produce the best ideas. A better plan might have been discovered had the listening lasted a little longer.

When a business-trained communicator comes home to a spouse who wants to discuss a problem, is it any wonder the spouse doesn’t feel heard and gets irritated with quick and easy advice? This is a recurring theme in traditional marriages — unhappy wives whose husbands try to give advice and fix problems without listening to understand and clarify, “If you’d just be firm with Jarod, he would do what you tell him.” Husbands also complain that their wives give advice too quickly without hearing what the husbands are struggling to do in their work situations, “Your work would be easier if you just fired your secretary.” Incidentally, if the couples reverse working and stay-at-home roles, the patterns stay with the roles not the gender. Advising or offering a quick solution may seem easier than helping someone sort out a painful issue, but when we don’t join a spouse, a child, a co-worker, or a customer in their struggle for understanding, it may be costly in the long run for everyone. When asked a question, ask a question Ancient wisdom says that the young-but-not-yet-wise rabbi, when asked a question, can hardly wait to give an answer (advice). When asked a question, the older-but-wiser rabbi, instead, asks a question (keeps lis-tening), recognizing that the talker isn’t really asking a question. The questioner is thinking through an issue (talking out loud): “What do you think I should do with this dilemma?” The wise rabbi might say, “Mmmm, tough problem. What are your options...? Which are hard-est...? And which easiest...?” Rather than, “You should do...” The wise rabbi’s questions imply that the talker owns the problem and has the capability to think it out. “You should do...” suggests the ad-vice-giver is more able to manage the other’s life than the person whose life it is — a painful put-down. When you do give advice We all have ideas and relevant experience to share, but the trick is to “wait our turn” before we express them. When talkers feel heard and relaxed, after careful listening, it’s our turn to share our ideas with them. Why Don’t We Listen Better? If we say, “The only thing for you to do in this situation is...” That’s pushy, and won’t give the talker much room to breathe. If we sound like we have the absolute word and know better than they do, they’ll most likely reject our suggestions. Whether the advice is good, or workable, won’t matter. Rather, include heart talk and say something like, “You know, if I were in your spot, I think I might... Do you think that might work for you?” Then switch back to listening. It’s their decision to make. LISTEN — Without defending Defending is the most critical Without on the LISTENER side of the card. When we remove defending from our listening repertoire, we open up safe surroundings in which talkers can share with us and grow. Sometimes couples ask, “What’s the LISTENER GOALS I’m calm enough to hear I don’t own the problem l l l Without l l To provide safety To understand To clarify Agreeing Disagreeing Advising Defending l l quickest thing we can do to improve our relationship.” First, I acknowledge what they’re saying under their question: “Sounds like you’re arguing too much and want help making your relationship more compatible...?” Second comes my answer: “Stop defending yourselves.” To stop defending doesn’t mean to get quiet, swallow it, and hang around in a warzone. Rather, it means to replace defending with listening. But this culture teaches us that we have a right to defend our-selves. Yes, true, if we’re being verbally abused or physically assaulted. In such cases steps may need to be taken to get out of an unhealthy situation. For me, however, it’s not true when we’re just talking poor communication. Defending equals attacking In war, attacking and defending have identical effects. If we defend ourselves, we are really attacking the partner, spouse, employee, boss, co-worker, or kids and we damage those relationships. When we stop defending ourselves, our relationships have a chance to mend. I know that uptight talkers tend to lash out, pointing their fingers at us, tempting us to give in to the normal urge to strike back. What I’m asking you to consider here is the “deviant” behavior described in chapter seven, suggesting that instead of automatically defending your-self, you listen to someone who is flat-brained and unloading on you. Listening when the issue is close to home Listening can get to be uncomfortable when the talker is wrestling with a problem that is a threat to you, but then, discomfort goes with the ter-ritory of being a listener. While you may absorb a few accusations and even face issues you’d rather not deal with, being attacked with words is unpleasant, but not damaging (unless of course it’s relentless). If you are not willing to endure some pain as a listener, then better not try to be one. When you find yourself in a situation where you can’t handle a dif-ficult topic, don’t get defensive. Just say: “I’m not up to this now. I find it too painful. Let’s pick it up on Saturday morning when I’m rested. I want to be able to listen without getting defensive. Okay?” If that doesn’t work, hang up the phone, leave the room, the house, or the office and take care of yourself. Well-practiced listening techniques can come to your rescue at these difficult times. Listening, instead of agreeing, disagreeing, advising, or defending, fo-cuses on your talkers in a way that helps them share their thinking and feeling and builds your relationships. −∞− How to Listen Better: Technique #14 How do you handle listening when your talker is on a roll and going on at a good clip? You don’t want to interrupt because that seems impolite, but if you don’t you’ll forget and miss responding to important points the person is making. Interrupt ■ Don’t be “polite” by waiting for the talker to finish covering “four-teen” points. Gently interrupt. Ask for clarification. Feed back small portions of what the talker is saying as the conversation develops. Most of us have been taught that interrupting is impolite, so we wait until people stop talking. When we do, we lose track of what they said earlier and can’t feed it back. Talkers need to deal with their thoughts and feelings, but we can’t help them later if we’ve forgotten what they said. As a listening technique, interrupt not only keeps us from forget-ting what talkers said in their earlier comments, it lets them know we’re paying attention. If we listen without comment, too long, talkers will not feel heard. Their anxiety will escalate. They’ll feel more isolated and talk more and faster (or get quiet and distant). They’ll lose their ability to gain insight from what they’re saying. With more distress, their blaming and accus-ing will increase and their constructive problem-solving decrease. Listening is not a time for unthinking politeness. It is time to act on behalf of talkers. You have my permission to interrupt, but do not use it to quit listening, to start talking, to take over the conversation, or to bully the talker. So, gently interrupt: “Wait a minute, back there, your third point, tell me more about that...?” Or, “I missed what you said about the fight. How did you feel about that...?” Or, “I don’t want to miss what you said about the car...? I was confused and wondered what you meant by...?” Interrupt to clarify. Acknowledge and repeat accurately. Alter-nate feelings and thoughts, guess. Play detective. Para-feeling/para-thinking. Remember those? Use them when you interrupt, because if you don’t you’ll forget and miss the clues that might help talkers resolve their issues. On top of that, your talkers will get the message you aren’t listening and don’t care. Listening takes hard work and engagement. As a technique, interrupt reminds us that the Talker-Listener pro-cess is like a dance; we move back and forth with the other person. Inter-rupting is a reminder that there are two people involved in the process. It keeps talkers from skimming too fast through their own thoughts and gives them time to get clearer about them. Then they can make better decisions about their next moves.

Chapter 16 When to Turn the Card...

i knOw that when I emphasize listening so much, some people get frus-trated and worry they’ll never get a turn to talk, so they ask, “How much longer do I have to listen?” It depends on the situation, but think of it this way: Listening first earns us the right to speak and be heard. Following are three situations to suggest how you decide when to turn the card, so the listener gets to talk and the talker takes a turn lis-tening: A simple conversational loop, a complex, longer conversation, and a conversation where one person “talks all the time.” In short simple conversations: A loop Think of one round of communication as a loop. A talker hands a lis-tener a feeling or a thought, the listener reaches out, catches and ac-knowledges it, and then gently hands it back. When the talker responds and in effect says, “Yes, that’s what I was trying to say,” or nods, the com-munication loop is completed. It’s time to turn the card. Talker-1: “I’m hungry.” Listener-1: “Are you ready for lunch?” T-1: “Yep. And I want to get out of the office.” One loop: Turn the card. Talker-2 (previous listener): “I’m ready. Let’s go for Chinese food.” Listener-2: “So you want out of here too. And you want Chinese.” T-2: “Un-hunh. There’s a new buffet three blocks away. Let’s try it.” Another loop: Turn the card and T-2 becomes L-1 again, and so on. Here’s another way to describe a loop. The talker says something, the listener acknowledges, and the talker nods: Says: “I’m pretty tired. I had a tough day at the office. I don’t think I have the energy for a heavy movie tonight.” Acknowledges: “Sounds like you’d prefer light comedy and no cooking.” Nods: “You got it.” One loop finished. The card can be turned. Or it might have taken one more round to finish the loop: Says: “I guess after thinking about it. I’m too tired to go out at all. Think I’d prefer to stay home and read.” Acknowledges: “You wouldn’t mind if I picked up a pizza so you could crash with your book?” Nods: “Un-hunh, that works for me. Thanks.” If the conversation is complex: Many loops and longer Listening takes longer when issues are complex or loaded. Sometimes a talker needs to get more out of their system or to gain more clarity. Then you need to use a wider variety of listening techniques to feed back a number of thoughts and feelings before turning the card. This may take some time, anywhere from a few minutes to a whole evening. It could mean many one-way loops. This can work, even when the talker is upset or angry with the you. When it appears that the talker is winding down and feeling heard, it may be time to turn the card. Here’s what you do when it seems time to switch roles: • Feed back the essence of what you heard. • Ask if your understanding is accurate. • Ask if the talker is ready to switch roles and be the listener. • If not, listen more, then repeat these steps. When the conversation is heavy, it helps for the listener to sum-marize what the talker said before turning the card: “So you’re worried the kids are watching too much TV, not finishing their homework, and too tired for school. If I heard you accurately, (talker nods) then let me take a turn and tell you how I see the situation. After you feed back my point of view and we both understand me, it’ll be your turn to talk again. Okay?” When you get a nod of agreement, turn the card. This fits when we want others to listen to us. It helps to model listening behavior before asking others to listen. If they see it and ex-perience it, they’ll be better able to do it. Explaining the taking turns (fairness) process often helps, but be careful to share rather than lecture. With people who talk all the time By “talk all the time,” I don’t mean people who are so hurt and angry they need a lot of listening to clarify what’s going on with them and calm down. I mean people who “just don’t stop talking,” who go from one topic to the next without taking a breath. It will be difficult (maybe impossible in our lifetime) for them to learn to communicate one loop at a time. Carefully, set up the taking-turns process at the beginning of the conversation: “I’m sure we both value our relationship and want to share our concerns with each other. And I’m sure we both want each other’s undivided attention and want a turn to be heard. To make that satisfying for both of us, let’s take turns (or try this Talker-Listener Card). You talk first, I’ll listen and feed back what I hear you saying. When you feel like I understand your first couple of points, it’ll be my turn to talk until you understand me. And incidentally, I’m suggesting that we go for understanding each other here, not agreement. After all, we are friends who respect each other’s differing points of view. Sound okay to you...?” If you want this to work, be sure you both explicitly buy in before you start. Then say something like: “I really want to understand how you see the situation and what you’re feeling about it, so go for it, and I’ll set my opinions aside until I’ve understood yours.” So you listen and feed back what they are saying. You may need to interrupt here. When you have gained the nod (you’ve understood them correctly), and it has become your turn to talk, it will likely take more than gentle reminding: “Wait a minute, remember we agreed to take turns. I took time to understand your concerns. Now it’s your turn to listen to me. Can you feed back my concerns so I know you understand me? Okay?” (nods) If they interrupt and/or keep talking, try saying with firmness: “Hang on a second, it’s my turn to talk. I listened to you, now it’s your turn to listen to me. After I feel understood, then you’ll get another turn. Can you do that or do we have to put this conversation off until you can take a turn at listening?” You may need to demonstrate your unwillingness to be bulldozed by someone using a barrage of words. Some folks have so much pent-up emotion, they can’t listen for more than a sentence or two, before their anxiety, insecurity, or an-ger flattens their brains and they start talking again. When I work with someone who can’t listen well, I find that I need to listen twenty min-utes and talk one, then listen twenty and talk two, etc. If they really can’t listen, don’t continue talking, but say: “Okay, repeat back what I’ve just said, then you can talk some more, but I’m not go-ing to listen until you’ve fed back what I just said. Remember fairness. I want a turn to be heard too, and now it’s my turn.” Unless this is non-negotiable, you will likely get run over and not be heard. You’ll be angry with the other person for ignoring your concerns and doubly angry with yourself for letting it happen to you (again). The skill of turning the card supports long-term friendships. If you don’t learn it, you’ll tire of one-way relationships, grow irritable with yourself for giving in, and gradually find ways to check out. So, if you don’t want your connections damaged, practice turning the card. (Friendly suggestion: Try it on easier people first, before you take on the impor-tant toughies.) There is a fairness in taking turns that cements a relationship into a good place. As we listen better and share more with each other, we learn to know ourselves with clarity. We grow closer, trust more, and connect at a deeper level of human spirit. It simply improves our relationships.