Psychology Therapeutic Communication Assignment

Petersen, J. (2022). Why Don’t We Listen Better? Communicating & Connecting in Relationships (3rd ed.). MBS Content.  https://mbsdirect.vitalsource.com/books/MBS7916214

Chapter 19-21

Chapter 19 Special Circumstance Listening Techniques

there are a variety of common situations we’ll encounter when we listen to people. It has helped me to have ways to think about them and sound methods for handling them. How to Listen Better: Technique #18 Older (and sometimes younger) people tend to tell the same stories over, and over, and over again. They do until their families, friends, counselors, and care-givers glaze over and politely go into hiding or run for cover. Old folks and “boring” stories ■ When older talkers start re-telling those boring, surface-level stories, ask what they learned from their experience, what it meant to them, and how their lives were affected by it. Ironically, the old stories are boring to the tellers as well. You’ll note that their expressions are often flat and tones unengaged. The stories seem stuck in their throats as if they have to keep telling them to get them out of their systems. And those of us within earshot get embarrassed when our children, who echo our boredom, express it out loud. When we try to ignore the storytellers, nothing changes. They keep telling the stories. No one benefits. Years ago I went to a meaning formation workshop where the pro-fessor taught us to look at stories, life experiences, and situations we’d observed and then draw meaning from them. I found that unpacking a truth from a story or experience created excitement and energy. I found this mining-for-meaning process immensely helpful in my teaching, counseling, and preaching career. When I visited folks in nursing homes and encountered the recurring stories, I figured there must be some bet-ter way to deal with them than rolling my eyes and ignoring them. So I experimented with listening and helping them search for their mean-ing. I found that using this method stirred energy in the old-timers (and made visiting them more fun for me). I came to believe that their repetitious stories were not finished enough to be left in the past. To complete them, they needed to appro-priate their meaning. My experience taught me that if they glean mean-ing from them, they could often leave the stories behind and move on. So how can you help the weary storytellers? When folks start cranking up their familiar old saws, use a few lis-tening techniques so they clearly get into their stories and you let them know you’re in the story with them. Then ask: “What did you learn from that experience...?” Or, “What did that mean to you...?” Or, “Sounds like there was a life principle in that...? What was it...?” Or, “How did that affect your life...?” Or, “How did you use what you learned in the rest of your life...?” The questions go roughly in this sequence: • “What happened...? Describe it...?” • “What did you learn from it (meaning, life-principle)...?” • “How did you use it in your life...?” • “What difference has it made to you...?” These questions often help people connect with something be-neath the surface of their life history. Something the story pointed to. Watch them come alive, light up, relax, and get excited. They feel better after they’ve been heard and usually don’t have as much need to bring up the stories again.

One of my readers noted this works well with children as a way to help them learn from their experiences. In fact, if we ask these questions of ourselves (and perhaps our families to enliven holiday dinners), we’ll enjoy discovering more of who we are, too. Using these listening questions will stir up the sunshine in another person’s life, enlighten yours, and even enrich dull lunch conversations. −∞− How to Listen Better: Technique #19 When we notice tears forming in people’s eyes or they start to cry, many of us get nervous and run for cover. Tears ■ When your talker starts crying, don’t let tears stop you from listening. Find out what the tears are about. If we get tongue-tied and don’t know what to do around tears, we leave talkers alone with their rising emotions. We stop conversations about what might be painful and yet important to them. If tears set off a ner-vous thud feeling in us, it may suggest we don’t want to deal with what-ever is causing them, but let’s do it anyway. People need to be heard and have their concerns valued in spite of their tears and our fears. A common mistake in dealing with tears is to ask questions that in-vite talkers into the courtroom by making accusations: “What’s wrong?” Or, “What’s the matter?” Such questions draw judgments such as: “What’s wrong is that you let me down.” Or, “You forgot to call me.” Or, “You didn’t listen to me when I needed you...” If we ask for accusations, we usually get them. But, some people will choke up instead and reply, “Oh, nothing,” because they don’t want to blame us. Sometimes, as listeners, we feel guilty and ask for accusations: “What did I do wrong?” When talkers answer such questions, arguments ensue or they clam up, sensing that if they answer, they’ll touch off WWIII. Tears may well up from happiness, sadness, irritation, anger, frustra-tion, excitement, or simply from the tension involved in a situation that is deeply personal and touching. They can surface when a person feels passionate about something, anything. Sometimes folks tear up when they feel heard, because, sadly for them, being really listened to happens way too seldom. In such situations being heard can be so meaningful that it stirs up deeper feelings of intimacy and connection. When someone verges on crying, I often say something like: “I notice your eyes seem to be getting watery. What’s going on...?” Or, “This conversa-tion seems pretty painful for you...?” Or, “You seem upset...? What’s bothering you...?” Or, “I’m concerned. You seem to be tearing up...?” Or, “I’m okay with tears...? I assume you want to continue talking...? This must matter to you...?” Or, “You seem touched...?” Or, “This must be very important to you...?” And then depending on their responses, I continue listening in other ways. However, some people use tears to avoid dealing with painful issues or situations. In the past they learned that tears got them off the hook because so many people were afraid of them. If I’m suspicious that someone is using tears to avoid, I listen by say-ing: “Looks like you are pretty uncomfortable...? Do the tears mean you’re hav-ing trouble discussing this...? What’s getting to you...?” Or, “Can you handle talking through the tears or would you really rather talk about it tomorrow morning when you’re calmer...?” Or for serious tears, “Do your tears mean you want to avoid this topic altogether, or do they mean something else...? What do you have in mind...?” These acknowledgements and questions allow talkers to take responsi-bility for whether they want to talk further or not. As a listener, be careful not to stop conversations because of your fear of crying. If you do you’re deciding for talkers and taking control of their timing in dealing with their problems. As listeners when we give the timing control back to the talkers, we both let tears surface important issues and be a part of their healing. −∞− How to Listen Better: Technique #20 Many people are reluctant to visit bereaved friends because they don’t know all the details, don’t have a lasagna in hand, or aren’t sure what reassuring (religious) thing to say. After a death ■ What matters is that you get there now, listen, and then listen regularly over the next months, and even years. Knowing the details Some of us are slow to visit after a death because we want to know all the details first to increase our confidence, and it takes time to gather the info. The fear of looking foolish, of not knowing everything, ought not keep us from comforting others. Actually, it can be better if we don’t know much. Our ignorance of details makes questioning more natural. When we admit we don’t know what happened, the grievers will retell the story to help us. Asking what happened allows the grieving person to share and begin to assimilate the loss. Ask your friends to visit too and suggest they each ask for a retelling — the more times through it the better. The lasagna Others hesitate to visit after a death because they worry about intrud-ing, about not having professional skills, or not being an especially close friend. They think they need to be more than they are or do something extra, like “bringing a lasagna.” Somehow. we’re not worthy of visiting unless we have a dish of food in hand. But times have changed. We think we should prepare something, but with busy schedules we don’t get around to it and besides, who cooks like that anymore? So it takes awhile to admit that and decide to buy take-out. The whole process takes too much time and leaves our grieving person alone. Let the people who don’t know how to listen, bring the casserole or cookies (and there will be plenty). We don’t realize how much our personal presence alone is a sup-port to a person with a loss. Sad. We all lose — some by not comforting and others by not being comforted. People need people even more when they experience a loss. No one should go through grief alone.

Knowing that someone cares enough to be present in a painful situ-ation provides real support for the grief-stricken person. So get there fast and say: “I heard that John (or Jane) died...?” Or, “What happened...?” Then, bite your tongue and let them tell you. That will help them and give you clues about what to do next. And please, don’t waste your breath asking what you can do for them. They’re in shock, confused, and thoroughly flat-brained. They usually don’t have a clue what they need. Look around and do whatever needs doing, but mostly let them talk. The six-and-a-half-week rule In our culture an unwritten rule suggests that people feel okay discuss-ing losses for about six and a half weeks. After that, those who suffered the loss think they shouldn’t burden their friends by talking about it any longer. And their friends don’t bring it up, because they’re afraid that doing so would re-open sore wounds. In reality the grief process takes a minimum of eighteen months — with serious losses it can last a life-time. Because of the six-and-a-half-week rule, most people are left alone with their grief after those first few weeks. Please don’t let that happen. It is a terrible thing to do to your friends. People simply get healthy quicker when they don’t have to carry their grief alone. Besides, going through it with others will stir up issues for you and while painful, they are real. You can learn from them and they will build your grief-handling muscles for times when you are going through it yourself. If people really don’t want to talk about it I never ask, “Do you want to talk about it?” because people often say, “No.” They don’t want to burden us with their pain. I encourage you not to ask either. Don’t let their culture-bred inhibitions get in the way of accepting the listening help they need. They may think their concerns are unworthy of your time or even feel embarrassed to admit they can't handle everything on their own. Once in a great while, someone really doesn’t want to talk about their loss (or other hurt-filled situation, like discovering cancer). If so, they’ll let you know, usually by changing the subject. People have well-developed avoidance skills. They may ask about your family or job, the latest sports event. They’ll do it so fast it’ll astound you. For me, I ask about their loss, acknowledge their pain, and let their behavior tell me if they want me to listen through their grief with them. This may or may not be the time for them to start talking it through. If they aren't ready, I go with their rapid change of topic. But, I'm there for them when they need me, whether they know they need support or not. So I plow in gently with a listening response to what their body is saying and ask: “I heard that John (or Jane) died...? What happened...?” Or: "You seem confused, what's going on...?” Or, “You look like you just got bad news, what's happening...?” Or, “If that just happened to me, I'd be shaken, what are you doing to handle it...?” Or, “It seems like you're angry with me, what's that about...?” (Notice how all the questions are open-ended and can't be answered with a conversation stopping “Yes” or “No.”) In any case, come back later, every month or two (for years), and give them a follow-up question: “I’ve been thinking about you and won-dering what’s going on with you and the death of your spouse (loved one, etc.)...?” Again, ask and listen. Let them talk or change the subject. Reassuring (religious) things to say? Death often raises spiritual issues. Some folks avoid going to visit after a death because they think they need to know the proper religious things to say. The implications here are that there are correct answers to give and that the grieving person can hear them. Keep in mind that folks with losses are so fat-bellied and flat-brained they can’t hear what you say anyway. What they need are listeners, not talkers. Bereaved people need to sort out what they believe. Reflective listening is the best way to help them do that. When people are struggling with faith after a loss, listen first (your faith understandings, lack of them, and/or beliefs are irrelevant here).

Ask what their attitudes and feelings are about death, what it means to them, what their faith tradition says about it, whether they feel aban-doned by God, and where they find their strength. And please, do not argue no matter how limited you think their faith is and how much you think you know a better way. When I visit someone after a death, I assume anger will be there, because it grows out of painful losses. Ask them specifically what expec-tations were shattered by the death. Ask what is bothering them, what they might be angry about, or if they figure anyone let them down. They may have trouble acknowledging their anger, but it will likely be there and focused in some direction. They might be angry with you for not getting there sooner, with themselves for things they didn’t do, with the doctors for not finding a cure, with the smoker who died of lung cancer, or even at God, who they might think has let it happen. Anger is irrational. It springs out of pain. Wherever people’s anger points, acknowledge it. You may feel like defending someone against their anger. Don’t. Not even if they are attacking God. God doesn’t need defending. (My guess is that God doesn’t want defense either, because then you’d be attacking a person God loves.) And again about “reassuring (religious) things to say,” grieving peo-ple are the ones who need to be heard and understood by you (you may be God’s stand-in). Bite your tongue if you feel the urge to fix their pain or preach. Accept their responses and they will begin to sense they are not alone and healing will begin. A long while down the road of their healing, they may be ready for a shared conversation with you about your faith journeys.. I encourage you to be there with people as they go through the pain of their losses and grief. When you do that, they are not alone. How can you communicate anything more important, loving, and spiritual than that? −∞− How to Listen Better: Technique #21 So, how do we respond to a child or adult who has suffered a horrific loss? To a child who’s afraid to go to school? To someone who’s lost a loved one when a building blew up? To folks in the aftermath of a torna-do or a tsunami? To parents who fear that schools are unsafe? To anyone impacted by a crisis in their family or community? To those still alive after indiscriminate shootings? To those frightened by political upheaval? Horrific loss ■ So, what do you say to folks on the heels of disaster? Nothing. Instead, listen and make a safe place for people to talk out their disruption and heal. Tough questions float in the air around calamities. When people cry out, “Why did this happen? Will it happen again?” We get anxious, be-cause we don’t have answers and fear that there is nothing we can say that will help. And we’re right. Our talking statements won’t do it no matter how true they are: • “Percentages tell us that schools are safe,” • “We’ll buy you another dog,” • “You’re young yet and you’ll find another love,” • “We're Americans and we'll survive, in spite of everything.” Such assurances (even religious ones) on the heels of crisis are glib, damaging, and at best, useless. Why don’t such reassurances work? It’s because these come too soon and they are talking responses. The anguished need listening. They are not asking questions for information and they are not ready to lis-ten, even though they might think they are. If you produce answers, you’ll find out too because you’ll get resistance. They are in truth talking and saying something like: “I’m frightened! I’m shaken to my toes and angry at this unfair world and the God who al-lowed this to happen!” Their agony cries out to be heard, not to be told stuff. Now you may have some really practical and helpful information to share with survivors, but bite your tongue and hold it until people have had their hurts and fears acknowledged, been heard and know that they are understood — until their upsets have calmed and their ears start working again.

My rule in a crisis is: “Listen First — Talk Second.” If you acknowl-edge people’s fears, pain, losses, hurts, confusion, anger, etc. first, then they may calm enough to hear your thoughtful reassurances. (Once you have listened more, you may learn that your first answers wouldn’t have fit anyway.) And you'll have the information and time to come up with something to say that might actually be helpful. −∞− How to Listen Better: Technique #22 Dealing with anger requires an understanding of where anger comes from as well as solid and determined listening skills. Anger masks both hurt and caring and it tends to put listeners off. Don’t let it do that to you. Expectations and anger ■ Four listening skills for when your talker is angry: 1. Help identify the talker’s anger and acknowledge it. 2. Help identify the hurt under the anger and acknowledge it. 3. Help identify the caring under the hurt and acknowledge it. 4. Help identify the gap between his/her expectations and reality. People get angry when an unmet expectation produces a loss, resulting in hurt. And they don’t get hurt unless they care. So when someone is angry, you will find hurt and caring there under the anger. Realizing that they hurt and care, encourages me to risk diving down through the unpleasantness. When I help couples get beneath their an-ger, they reconnect and sometimes in tears say, “All I saw was your anger and disappointment with me. I didn’t know you still really cared about me.” Anger is proportional to the gap between what people expect and what happens (reality). Big gap — big anger. Little gap — little anger (ir-ritation, disappointment, resentment, loneliness, etc.). When our expectations aren’t met, we get hurt first. Then the hurt turns into anger. And while anger is a secondary emotion, it often is what we and others notice first.

So start by acknowledging the anger you hear on the surface: “You sound really angry with your husband...?” Or, “So you are somewhat angry with me...?” Or, “How angry are you...?” “Mmmm. That angry...?” Or, “On a zero to ten scale, your anger is...?” Continue the process by surfacing the expectations that set up the hurt and anger: “You’re angry because your husband didn’t remember your anniversary...?” Or, “What did you expect from me that I didn’t do...?” Or, “You were disappointed that I didn’t get home in time for the special dinner you planned...?” Or, “So you were hurt that I didn’t care enough to come see you, and then you got angry...?” Or, “You felt really lonely after Dad died and expected me to spend more time with you...? So you’re hurt and angry with me for not visiting more often...?” In effect you are asking what they were before they got angry. Anger, being secondary, follows on the heals of disappointment, resentment, loneliness, sadness, irritation, etc. Helping them acknowledge that lets some of its hurt/energy go. Keep in mind that these folks would not have been hurt had they not cared. So acknowledge that too: “I’m touched...? Sounds like you fixed this special meal because you care about me...? That must have made my be-ing late even more hurtful...?” Or, “I guess from what you’re saying, you were pretty disappointed I wasn’t there after your dad’s death...? I must matter a lot to you...?” Or, “Sounds like being angry with your wife grew out of feeling lonely and irritated when she spent so much time on her project...? You must care a lot for her and want to spend time with her...?” Rather than avoiding folks because they are angry, I encourage you to acknowledge their expectations, anger, hurt, and caring. You can do this for people whether they are angry about the way life treated them, a significant death, their youngster’s report card, a job disappointment, an election, or you. Such listening allows people to get clearer about what’s going on with them, reduce the heat in their anger, salve their hurt, and bring their caring to the surface. Altogether? A healthy process. How to Listen Better: Technique #23 When a person is ferociously angry, using the image of a bullfighter can help you listen more effectively. Think first of the bull, coming into a ring — unfamiliar setting, too much noise, too many frantic people, frightened, and then angry. A classic flat-brain-producing situation for the bull and you too, when the bull (talker) approaches. Persistent anger and bullfighters ■ When your talker is “really” angry and persistent about it, visualize yourself as a bullfighter, facing a talker who is charging at you like a bull. For your cape, use lots of listening techniques. Keep it up and let the angry energy dissipate by charging past you, not hurting anyone. If we faced a bull in the ring, it would look scary. The powerful body, substantial weight, strong arched neck, head down, snorting, feet pawing the ground, eyes squinting, charging. It feels the same when some folks come at us — really mad. Our fear of an angry onslaught makes us quickly conscious of two op-tions — grab the bull by the horns and break its neck or get gored to death. Fight or knuckle under. Neither sounds appealing. If we confront an angry person head-on, grabbing the bull by the horns, someone is going to get hurt. (Not to mention that trying to ex-plain a few of the reasons the bull should not be angry just isn’t going to work.) The bullfighter chooses a third option — waves the cape, watches the bull charge, steps aside, sucking in his/her gut so as not to get gored, lets the bull blast past to expend some energy, and says with body lan-guage, “Oh, you’re angry...? You must be way more than annoyed...?” The bull shakes himself off, realizes he is still angry, snorts, and charges: “Don’t give me that psychology crap! You let me down and we both know it!” Let’s do the bullfighter response again: “You’re not a little angry. You’re furious with me. You figure I let you down...?” And the bull expends more energy with another run at you, “Well, wouldn’t you, if you were me?” Acknowledge the talker beginning to calm by saying: “You were powerfully hurt that I didn’t come through for you the way you expected. Really bugged...?” “More than bugged, you don’t care about me.” Don’t get in the way of the bull by becoming argumentative. The bull isn’t ready to let it go yet, so ask: “What was it that got to you the most...?” “Well, I guess it was...” It’s working. The bull is being heard. Emo-tion is abating. Thinking is clearing. If you were really in a bull ring, the bull would finally have tired, re-laxed, gotten over his fear, and quit charging. But then some jackass on a horse comes along and sticks a spear in the bull’s rump to hurt, frighten, and anger him enough to charge again. At this stage in the calming process, talk-ing, giving advice, or arguing can have the same effect as a picador’s spear. Experiment with picturing an angry person coming at you as a rag-ing bull and try to get yourself into the bullfighter mode. And remem-ber, the bullfighter respects the bull. When you listen rather than defend, no one gets hurt. While some people prefer to stay angry, the bullfighter technique can allow fero-cious bulls (customers, spouses, bosses, counselees, people with oppos-ing viewpoints, and young people) to become friends. Practicing this one will often produce miracles. −∞− How to Listen Better: Technique #24 When your talker uses loaded pressure words like should, ought, have to, must, need, the only way, always, or never, they are masking embed-ded values. Those words have noticeable feelings lurking beneath them. They sound like absolute requirements that come from some authority on a mountain top, when in fact (as I see it), they are their points of view, ramped up with passion and anxiety. During my forty years as a pastor, I ran into this a lot, people who thought they knew “the truth” about religion or waterless cooking. They all assumed that since they were “right” I should agree with them. While I felt judged and like kicking them in the shins, I figured my job was to listen in a loving way. I expect you run into them at parties, on the bus, in your families, in the counseling office. So I decided I best not duck this important issue here, even though it’s difficult, too important not to share what I learned. As I see it, talkers’ flat-brains may confuse their point of view with “the truth for all people” and turn rigid. I suggest that flies in the face of the respect, acceptance, love, and openness to others that is the essence of this book. If you agree, you may want to help loosen their rigidities. Let’s take a look at how to do it. When someone says, “That’s the only way to do it or see it,” what they’re saying is: “This is how I see it (H). I really want you (E) to see it that way too. And I’m anxious (E) that you might not see it the way I do and I’ll lose face (J).” People wanting others to think or act a certain way, doesn’t make them rigid. Adding anxiety about needing them to does. If they simply want something a certain way or for you to see it their way, they can still listen to your suggestions. When they’re anxious about not getting you to think or act their way, then they’re not open to your views. This makes working or living with them difficult. Anxiety turns desire into rigidity. And where does the anxiety and insecurity about being right come from? Them (us), their parents, or guilt perhaps? It could be worth listening long enough to figure it out. Reframe the rigidity ■ When people take absolutist positions, gently slip some stomach talk (E) and heart talk (H) into your feedback. It acknowledges what the talkers haven’t said and reduces the pushy quality of their language. It helps them discover the passion beneath their comments and see that no matter how strongly they feel about them, what they are saying is still their point of view, not necessarily the truth. When we listen in this way, it helps reframe the rigidity. We help iden-tify the essence of their point of view and concerns. Doing this often al-lows talkers to relax a little and recognize that their views are their views, that their strong feelings are their strong feelings, and that others may differ and have strong views and feelings as well. Some rigid folks will respond negatively, but do it anyway, it may be your only shot. Most of us know that new converts to anything are difficult to have around. Conversion isn’t just a religious issue, it’s a process. People can be converted to anything, like a new diet, a political view, an environmental concern, a sports team, a child-rearing approach, how to load a dishwasher, a place to live, or how to stop an addiction. Think of the people you’ve met who’ve just discovered “the truth” about anything. They tend to fit one of my favorite sayings that nutshells rigidity: “There is no one more righteous than a newly-converted sinner.” So let’s look at dealing with new converts to diet methods and then to religious or political positions. Reframing the rigidity of dieters Remember, leaving out the E and the H makes language pushy and reduc-es its hear-ability. For example, a reduce-the-fat-talker says, “The only way to lose weight is to cut the fat from your diet.” You can include the H by re-flecting, “So it seems to you that excluding fat is the best way to lose weight...?” He might respond to your heart talk by moving toward it himself: “That’s the only thing that worked for me.” And then you say: “The way that worked for you was to quit eating fat...?” Now you add some E. “So you’re pretty excited about the way that worked for you...?” And he says, “Mmmm, yes, I’m pleased and relieved (E) to have given up eating fats, because this is the first time I’ve ever dieted suc-cessfully (H).” The high-protein-low-carb-talker rigidly disagrees: “But low-fat foods have high carbs, which make you crave more sugar, and eventually, your body stores more fat. The only way to lose weight is to eat more meat and fewer carbs.” Listen by inserting heart talk: “Mmmm, you found that increasing pro-tein and fat, while reducing carbs helped you lose weight...?” And she says, “No, that’s the only way to lose weight.” And you say gently, “So you believe what worked for you will likely work for others...?” Softening the hard line by adding H, she says, “Well yes, it worked for me and I expect it would work for others. Well, maybe not everyone, but it did work for me and I’m excited about it.” It will take longer than this, of course, and staying your course.

Reframing the rigidity of conservatives and progressives In spite of what it feels like, you do not need to believe the same as your talker to be a good listener (or counselor). Just apply the TLC and do the understanding and clarifying it calls for. Remember chapter fourteen in the section titled: “Listening: dangerous to our opinions” where I pictured putting my beliefs in the top drawer of a desk, so I could retrieve them later? This following is another example of when to do that. Conservatives and progressives stand at the edges of thinking in various religions, politics and a myriad of other points of view. But be-ing rigid is a different issue from where we fall on any particular range. Any point of view can be rigid or flexible. Neither being conservative nor progressive makes us open or closed-minded. Either can value others and gain from their diverse thinking or devalue others and shake off any possible gain from their beliefs with glacier-like rigidity. However, (we) religious folk tend to confuse how we see things with “how it is with the Almighty.” That inclination stirs up a special re-ligious case of rigidity. Though again, in my experience, anyone at any point in the range can be rigid in their thinking and judgmental in their relationships or open and accepting of others and their varied faiths. When you are listening to someone at the other end of a range, what you believe is not the issue, because your job as a listener is to fo-cus on their point of view with them (this has implications for listening to those with different values and behaviors as well). Remember the TLC — your goal is understanding and clarifying, not arguing. I buy the saying, that “When two people argue religion, both are wrong.” Because, when we argue, we are battling to win over each other, not to understand, to love, and to support each other. (Incidentally, some folks you deal with may be too threatened to allow you to be who you are. They may not respect your right to think, believe and behave as you do. Keep in mind: That is their problem, not yours. You may be able to help them with theirs by listening. However, if over time they can’t respect you, you may want to decide how much time to spend with them.) Some regular people (and counselors) struggle to deal with people who think very differently than they do. I find that we can maintain our integrity, our own belief systems, and that we don't have to agree with others to listen to what their belief does for them, how it affects them in positive or negative ways, what it means to them, and what it calls them to do and be in the world. Just as you would mine a thought or an incident for insight, mine their beliefs to find out how they are impacted by them and what you (and they) can learn from them. Then return to your own possibly-mod-ified, but held-with-integrity beliefs.

Chapter 20 What About the Heaviest Listening Situation?

sOme Of the relatiOnship issues and listening examples I’ve described may seem heavier than you want to handle. However, if people sense that you are a relaxed, safe, and accepting listener, they may choose to talk with you about their deeper struggles. Certainly, you can choose when you want to respond and when you don’t. But, there are crises in people’s lives when you are on the spot, when there is no safe or easy way out, and no referral available. These are heavy. How to Listen Better: Technique #25 My experience says that most everyone runs into a suicidal person at least once, and when that happens, what you do may be critical. Even though these situations are scary, when there is no referral available, I’d like you to be prepared to listen well. Listening techniques are pretty much the same in both light and heavy situations. If you stay focused on what the other is saying and not on your fear or your need to solve the problem, you can often help them calm down, think more clearly, feel less alone, and be more ready for you to guide them to a professional. Suicide hints ■ Someone hints or tells you they are considering suicide. Own your own feelings that you are shaken to hear it. Set aside your own stuff and get into theirs. Use listening techniques with directness and acceptance. Make an appointment for them to see a professional, or if that fails, for lunch with you. Some of the listening examples I’ve been using may seem intrusive. You might suspect some of the questions could even stir up unpleasant op-tions they hadn’t considered. However, especially in the illustration fol-lowing, most likely they’ve already thought of everything that scares you, and people are better off not being alone with those fears. Sharing them and exposing them to the light of day usually takes an edge off the fright and negativity involved. Keep in mind that as the listener you are the responder not the initia-tor. A good gauge for what may feel like probing is to let what they are say-ing and how they’re reacting be your guide. When you reflect back what you hear them saying, the talker decides whether the reflection fits. Safety lies in the talker determining the depth of the sharing. It encourages me to remember that people have an infinite ability to avoid subjects they don’t want to talk about. If they don’t want to talk any longer or go deeper, they won’t. They’ll change the subject, stop talking, or head for the refrigerator. First a disclaimer If you are not a professional, I strongly urge you to get people with prob-lems of this magnitude to professional help. I am not writing this to ad-vise you how to handle suicidal people. However, when you are the only option in an emergency, I’d like you to be able to listen well, that is, to be as helpful as possible. I’m sharing what has worked for me. No one I counseled has yet committed suicide, though a few attempt-ed it. I know it could happen and I’m clear that I’ve been lucky. If it does happen sometime, I want to know that I did everything I could to prevent it. I’m fully aware that there are no guarantees and that the only person I can keep from committing suicide is me. I assume the same applies to you. With the risks clear, let’s say you are in a social setting, relaxed, and a friend says offhandedly or more seriously, “Life is a mess. Nobody would miss me ifI were gone.” Or, “The world would be better offwithout me.” Or, “I’ve been thinking a lot about suicide lately.” Or, “School is starting, but I won’t be around to notice.”

Comments like these leave us dangling and make us uneasy — the thud experience. We’d be suspicious about what the person means, but suicide is so frightening many of us would be afraid to say the word out loud, just in case they hadn’t thought of it yet. While it’s natural to feel an urge to change the subject, head for the punch bowl, or argue, take the comments seriously. If you ignore them, play them down, or argue, you’ll likely strengthen their resolve to act, not lessen it. Poor listeners often react by saying: “Oh, you don’t really mean that.” Or, “But you have three wonderful girls, how could you even think that?” Or, “I don’t know why you’d say that. You are so talented and have so much to offer.” Or, “Oh no, you’re wrong, we’d all miss you.” Such responses are talking not listening. They are argumentative and grow out of our anxiety. If the people didn’t know whether they were un-derstood before, now there’d be no question. They aren’t. And we would have left them alone in their depression. All those responses rebuffed the talkers. Let’s look at some possible Talker-Listener responses:  Talker: “Life is a mess. Nobody would miss me if I weren’t here.” Listener: “So life is a mess and you figure no one would miss you, if you weren’t here...?” Talker: “Right, not even my husband would miss me.” Listener: “Mmmm, that must feel pretty bad. Sounds like you two aren’t getting along and you’re really lonesome...?” Talker: “Yes, really alone. Nobody understands how bad I feel.” Listener: “So no one really understands you...? It must be awful to feel so alone...?” Talker: “Well, maybe you understand...(and I’m not feeling quite so alone now.)”  Or, talker: “The world would be better off without me.” Listener: “So the world would be better off without you...?” Talker: “Yes, it would. I don’t have anything to offer.” Listener: “Nothing to offer...?” Talker: “No, nothing at all. I don’t have the gifts other people do.” Listener: “So you’re not talented the way other people are...? You sound pretty down...?” Talker: “I am. I can hardly get up in the morning.” Listener: “No energy at all...?” Talker: “Well, I did finally get up and make it to this party.” Listener: “So you did want to be here. What was important to you about the party...?” Talker: “My friends are here. I hoped someone might care about what’s going on with me.”  Talker: “I’ve been thinking a lot about suicide lately.” Listener: “So you’ve been thinking about suicide lately...? What’s got you thinking about it...?” Or, “What have you been thinking about suicide...?” Or, “Does it appeal to you some days...?” Or, “So suicide sounds like a relief to you...?”  Talker: “School is starting, but I won’t be around to notice.” Listener: “So school is starting soon, but you won’t be around...? Are you talking ‘permanent not around’ or what are you saying...?” Talker: “Oh, just not around.” Listener: “I’m feeling uneasy about what you mean by not around...? This sounds serious...?” Talker: “Well, yes it is, but no matter.” Listener: “So you don’t figure it will matter if you’re not around...?” Talker: “No, I don’t think anybody would care.” Please, don’t argue here. Keep listening. “So, you really don’t think I’d care if you jumped off a bridge...?” (I haven’t said much about tone of voice, but for this to be helpful it would have to come through as caring, honest, and reflective, not at all condescending or sarcastic.) Talker: “Well, maybe you would, but most people wouldn’t.” Listener: “Sounds like there are people who matter to you, but you don’t think they care about you...?”

Talker: “Well, yes....” And a ways into the conversation, if suicide seems to be a consider-ation, listen by saying, “How seriously are you considering suicide...?” Talker: “Not very. It just sounds like a relief to not have to face tomor-row.” Or, “I’ve given it some serious thought...” Listener: “What options are you considering...?” Scary to ask, but they could be thinking about it and it is important to clarify the seriousness of their intentions. If they have a gun in the car, pills in a purse, or some other plan in mind, you may need to do some-thing, such as calling the police or driving them to an emergency ward. Usually, they will feel understood, less alone, and have some sense of hope if we take the time to use a variety of listening skills and provide a safe setting for them to talk about what’s going on with them. That won’t happen if we explain to them how much they have to live for, because that makes it clear we’re not listening. They won’t be-lieve we understand their pain. When they calm down and are able to hear, then it’s our turn to talk about specific options, such as finding a counselor, their profes-sional religious person, a hospital, or asking them to promise not to kill themselves until you talk again, or at the least, making an appointment to get together for lunch. (This may sound simplistic, but people seldom jump off bridges when someone understands their pain and has a lunch date scheduled with them. These actions indicate that there may be hope and a future.) However, there are no guarantees. Every situation is different and circumstances vary. I advise you to seek individual and independent advice from a professional and to get such professional help for people who are considering suicide. You might call a suicide hot-line or a hos-pital for options or resources. These situations are frightening and dangerous. We can’t tell what someone else will do. If they won’t make any kind of positive commit-ment, then it’s time to call the police (dial 911) and get them to a hos-pital, where they will have a psychiatric evaluation to determine next steps.

When you encounter someone who is seriously depressed, if you listen to them in a way that lets them know they are not alone, they may be able to take your hand and crawl a little ways out of their depres-sion hole with you.

Chapter 21 Listening Techniques for Moving On

sOme Of yOu using this book will become professional counselors. Others of you will find yourselves in jobs (as pastors, youth workers, directors of so-cial service agencies) which use counseling in your work. This chapter leads you past the general ideas of listening into the realm where you’re actively trying to help your friend, family member, or counselee move from the issues that brought them to you into more life-affirming, healthy options. I don’t want to give the impression that what follows in this chap-ter and PART FOUR are just for professionals. They’re not. The ideas, techniques and guides that follow work across the board. They could help you in a wide variety of relationships. So, after you have listened to someone quite a while, who seems to be blocked and not moving on to decision-making and action, you may have become anxious waiting for “what’s next?” And if you are like me, you’ve been dying to get your oar in, waiting for your time to talk, make suggestions, wrap it up, help them take a forward (positive) step, speed them up, put some starch in their backbones, etc. For starters, bite your tongue, since this is mostly our impatience, likely not a response to their readiness to move on. Notice too how these motivations in us can easily lead to talking not listening. Our goal here is to help talkers figure out where they are and what they want to do about their situations. Let’s look at some options for doing that, when they seem ready. How to Listen Better: Technique #26 Often after a talker brings up a bothersome issue, their listener never mentions it again, as though the conversation never happened. It hap-pens for spouses, friends and counselees whom we listen to and who trust us enough to share something really sensitive. If we never bring it up again, it leaves them hanging with it alone. For the person who brought up the painful issue, it would be like tossing a pebble in a pond and having it make no rings. When you think about it, it might seem unnatural for a significant conversation never to come up again, while the pebble is still there, lying on the bottom of both people’s minds. It was hard enough for the talker to bring it up the first time. For most people bringing it up again is too much. It is up to the listener to bring it up for a second and deeper look. Pebble in the pond ■ A talker shared a serious concern with you and doesn't return to the subject as though you both dropped it. After you’ve thought about it for a while, bring it up again and listen further. Listening by bringing it up again later creates rings on the pond. It makes it clear we heard what was said and that we have been thinking about it. We’re taking what the talker said seriously, rather than letting it fall on deaf ears and hard hearts. For example a silent husband might not bring up a troubling is-sue again, thinking that he didn’t want his wife to go through the pain again. Or, he might be uncomfortable dealing with the issue or emotions himself. Whatever the reason, silence leaves her alone with it. Over time too many of these experiences will fill the pond with pebbles — not a healthy ecosystem. It’s hard for us to listen when a spouse (partner, friend, counselee) is upset with us. We’d likely not want to open the issue again for fear of being criticized. Most of us have trouble voluntarily opening up discus-sions where we might be chewed out and feel like youngsters again. Yet, by not initiating a return to the issue, we run the risk of abandoning people close to us and of getting cut off from intimacy and acceptance ourselves. Here’s how pebble in the pond might work: A wife talked to her husband about something he had done that upset her. (Because he just might have read this book, he didn’t get defensive.) He sensed the thud and shifted into listening mode. She was able to share her concern with him in the safe situation he provided (or he blew it, which is all the more reason to come back later). Over the next couple of days he thought about their conversation. He generated some ideas about what might be troubling her. Later, he came back to her and said, “Honey, I was thinking about our conversation on Thursday and wondered if this might be what you were bothered about...?” Her painfully pitched pebble had made rings. What a great way to reopen an unfinished conversation and con-tinue with helpful listening. It lets her know he’s in it with her. Support-ive behavior like this can’t happen too often. Relationship hint: There are few things that will endear us more to our significant others than doing this. He might also have switched to talking and said, “I’ve been thinking about what you said was bothering you. I wonder if it might be easier for you if I...?” Taking the time to think about her concerns and risking bring-ing them up again expresses immeasurable caring. She’d likely be both surprised and touched. Pebble in the pond for planning Pebble in the pond works well for couples who come up with ideas, goals, activities, solutions, and plans together. Rather than one-shot de-cision-making sessions, they have ongoing discussions, letting the last conversation feed the process for the next ones. They check in with each other and ask what their partner is thinking about a particular is-sue now. Over time, they generate next steps that satisfy them both. The trick is not hurrying the process by pinning down answers too soon. So when those at home, in a volunteer organization, or at work bring up painful topics or new ideas, let’s not let their interests hit the pond without making rings.

When we come back and make rings around the pebble, we’ll sur-round a talker’s concerns with caring. We’ll help by moving with them into deeper, clearer thinking and relationships. −∞− How to Listen Better: Technique #27 Sometimes fear of possible outcomes and consequences block a talker’s decision-making and action. To help them move on through the fear barrier, some communication specialists suggest asking worst-case conditions questions. Worst-case conditions ■ Ask what the worst thing is that could happen and acknowledge it. Ask what he/she would do next if the worst did happen. Then repeat the pattern of acknowledging their answers and asking what they'd do next. When possibilities seem really bad, people, might talk right up to the edge of a crisis, get frightened, freeze, and then back off to a seemingly safe, but anxious place. They don’t want to look at what might happen — the worst possible outcome. For example, when I listened to one woman’s struggles with her marriage, she shared freely right up to a decision point. Then she shut down, almost paralyzed. I could see it in her body language, her eyes wide, her fear palpable. She said, “But, if I talked to him about it...he might...he might...I can’t even think about it.” She seemed unwilling to face the possibility that her husband might divorce her. First, I used para-feeling, “When you think about talking with him you get frightened to death about what he might do...?” She responded, “I can’t even think about it.” I repeated accurately, “You can’t even think about it...?” After ac-knowledging her feelings and thoughts and allowing her to let off a little steam, I began asking about worst-case conditions, “So if you talked about it with him, he might get really upset...? What is the absolute worst thing that you can imagine happening...?”

“Ah, he might leave, ah, divorce, I suppose, but I can’t even think about it...” I repeated accurately, “So you can’t even think about him leaving, ah, that is, divorcing you...?” “No, I can’t.” I used para-thought and para-feeling: “So divorce is the worst thing that could happen, and that absolutely frightens you...?” “Right,” she replied. I acknowledged and asked what she’d do if it did happen, “So, let’s say the worst thing happened and he decided to leave you, what would you do then...?” “I’d just collapse.” “Un-huh, so after he left, you’d just collapse...? And how long would you stay collapsed before you went back to work...?” “I couldn’t work right away, but, ah, I suppose two or three weeks.” “So, you couldn’t work right away, but you’d go back in two or three weeks...?” “Well, if I didn’t go back to work, I’d lose my job.” “You’d go back to work so you’d have an income. Then what would you do...?” “Well, I guess I’d have to get a lawyer.” “Mmmm. So you’d get a lawyer, and what then...?” “Well, I’d need to figure out if I could afford to stay in the house with the kids or whether we’d have to move into an apartment.” “You’d figure out where you could afford to live, and what would you do next...?” You get the point. Notice how I acknowledged the block. I did not belittle it. Then we moved past it and started considering what she would do if her fear of the worst happened. In dealing with worst-case conditions you treat folks as though they will be around to fight another battle after the worst is over. It helps them move through their fear of disaster. When you ask, “And then what would you do...?” they begin to stop letting their fear immobilize them. The question assumes there is life be-yond their present predicament.

By guiding people through their fear barriers, in a subtle way you offer hope without talking. So even if the worst happens, people realize they can still make choices. They’ll begin to believe that life goes on, and that they will too. −∞− How to Listen Better: Technique #28 After quite a bit of attentive listening, when talkers appear to be calmer, more focused, and ready to begin thinking ahead, try explore the future, sometimes called nexting. However, if you run into resistance, go back to listening and wait for their readiness not yours. Explore the future (nexting) ■ Late in the listening process, ask your talker about next possible steps, decisions, and likely consequences. This may be towards the end of a short and easy conversation, or after an hour, an evening, or weeks and even months. Current communication literature calls questions like: “What’s next...?” or “Now what...”? “nexting.” It supports the collaborative effort of mov-ing on through communicating and connecting. When the time seems right, try explore the future, by saying: “Sounds like you have a pretty good grasp ofyour situation...? What options occur to you...?” Off the wall options and beginning steps Often people worry about suggesting alternatives since they might not be perfect. Help them loosen their thinking by asking, “Without thinking about consequences, what off-the-wall options occur to you...?” After stretch-ing their minds with a few odd-ball ideas, they may begin to come up with some more realistic ones. Here you could toss in a few of your own, but then ask for one or two more of theirs, to surround yours with theirs. Then play with the following: “Which of the alternatives look most ap-pealing to you...?” Or, “What consequences do you see for the options you like best...?” Or, “Which would likely produce the most gain and the least loss...?” At this point whether they pick one of theirs or one of yours, it will belong to them because they chose it. Other possibilities to encourage small beginning steps: “Any options you can discard to get them off your mind...?” Or, “Is there anything you can do that might give you a little relief from the stress...?” Or, “Are there any steps you might take today that would move you off dead center...?” Or, “If you don’t take a step now, what does that mean for your future, your values, for others...?” And beyond this listening conversation, “Is there any other informa-tion you need to have before you can make a decision...? Or, “Is there anyone else you should be talking with...?” Handling stuck, going nowhere conversations When your talker seems stuck and the conversation seems to be go-ing nowhere repeat accurately (until the cows come home) is my tech-nique of choice. However, sometimes in a long-term conversation (counseling or with your friends), talkers take “stuck” to a fine art and make no changes. Each session repeats earlier ones. No progress is made. It’s frustrating and to be honest, boring (and probably bor-ing for them too). I am happily willing to spend significant time with people who will make decisions, change their behavior, and take action. But as I’ve got-ten older I’m less willing to spend my (limited) time with folks satisfied with marking time in their messes. So, I have said (own your own feelings) to some of those with whom I had a solid relationship, “I realized over our last few sessions that I’m bored and I wonder if you are too...? Seems to me that you are re-telling the same story, over and over...? Not willing to make changes in your behavior...? Am I missing something or does that fit you...? Do you see yourself as stuck, not wanting to take any action that would change anything in your life...?” This challenging kind of interchange will call on you right away to use many other listening techniques. Even in calmer situations the give and take of the explore the future (nexting) process may need more time, additional sessions. You could say, “I’d like to continue our conversation...? Let’s set a time for us to get to-gether...?” And decidedly not, “Do you want to get together and talk about it some more?” That’s like asking someone if they’d like their teeth drilled.

Again, if talkers get defensive, run, don’t walk, back to the basic lis-tening techniques. They aren’t ready for this step. When they are ready, these questions will encourage them to focus on next steps. When you ask the nexting questions, you instill confidence in your talkers. You hint that talkers have decent brains and enough ability to make decisions and to act on them. And you subtly suggest they have hope and a future. (And in a crisis they may be worried about that.) How could you be more helpful? −∞− How to Listen Better: Technique #29 Sometimes your talkers (youngsters, friends, partners, or counselees) lean toward negative or damaging options. You can lead the witness toward a healthier direction. Lead the witness ■ After acknowledging destructive option(s) your talker is con-sidering, ask how such actions would help them, other people, or the situation. But be careful, it would be easy to slip into manipulating here. Leading the witness is not appropriate often, because it usually means that listeners are slipping into talking, that is, shoving their points of view into talkers’ air-time. We gain the right to use this technique only if our brains are not flat and we have nothing at stake in the decision. When folks are depressed, angry, blaming, or have poor self-images, they tend to focus on negative things to do. They might be hooked in an unhealthy way to quitting a job prematurely, making a threat, punch-ing someone, destroying something, getting drunk, or divorcing without careful thinking. Again, after acknowledging what’s going on with them, lead the witness can awaken them to a more sensible and fitting reality. Leading the witness might sound like: “How would that help...?” Or, “Would that make things better for you or anyone else...?” Or, “Which option might be most helpful in your situation...?” Or, “How would you be better off if you put your current thinking into action...?” Or, “What small thing could you do, that might improve your life a bit...?” Or, “Anything you could do that would make the company more effective...?” When we lead witnesses (talkers) this way, it subtly suggests that they can do something positive to impact their lives. It’s a tricky form of the previous Technique # 30 – Explore the future (nexting). Sometimes as listeners we can gently nudge them toward constructive options. This helps because people often feel powerless, as though they can do nothing that would make a difference. However, this does not mean to lead them by their noses, that is, start pushing our solutions on them when it’s theirs to decide. You might also try own your own feelings along with lead the wit-ness by saying, “I’m worried that what you are talking about doing might not fit you (your values, faith, beliefs, style, relationship with God)...? How might you make your plans fit those...?” Or, “I wonder about what you are consider-ing...? Do you think you would look back and be proud of it in five years...?” If at some point they get defensive, go back immediately to using other listening techniques until they calm down enough to consider pos-itive options. When it works and they come up with a more constructive solution, then say, “So, you’ve come up with an option... that might help, what do you think about it...?” Parental responsibility There are times when empathetic, non-judgmental listening is a good start, but falls short of what’s needed. Consider situations where teenag-ers need to be guided away from destructive behaviors. Listen first (and long), until they calm down, feel heard, and clarify their options. Then, if their direction is not constructive or they’re “stuck,” leading the witness can help guide them toward non-destructive behaviors or ones that do not go against your family’s values: “You’re so mad, you want to key (scratch) the principal’s new car...? How will that help you get out of high school and into the college you’ve chosen...?” How do we create an atmosphere in which children can hear us? You have a good chance of being heard, if you modeled listening for them and they experienced its benefits. Your chance increases if your kids have played Listening through a Mealtime Game in Chapter 23 and if taking turns listening has become a family pattern. Young people understand taking turns and fairness, though they may need reminding: “I took time to under-stand how you think and feel about this issue, remember you said... Is that accu-rate...? So now it’s your turn to try to understand how I see it. Does that seem fair...?” With this preparation parents can share their thoughts about choices and consequences with some hope of being heard. Teens and oth-ers are more prone to consider respectful, non-judgmental suggestions than pushy or dogmatic directives. Parents usually have to do several rounds of lengthy listening, in-terspersed between their (short) attempts at talking, before teens can really hear. Sometimes, parents need to take a stronger stand and say, “You may still want to do something destructive, but that’s not acceptable. In this case, I’m deciding for you. You may not like my decision or that I’m deciding for you, but this decision is my responsibility as a parent. Your responsibility as a young per-son under this roof is to go along with it.” If you need more help here, best check out some books, programs on parental discipline, and/or counselors. Keep in mind that to lead the witness requires lots of other listen-ing techniques before the talker is ready to think ahead toward positive options. All these moving on techniques come way late in the listening process. If they raise your talker’s hackles, likely you’re on your schedule for nexting, not theirs. Hearing and unloading the resentments, disappointments, and an-gers come first, giving you a chance to lead the witness toward more con-structive behaviors, second. −∞− How to Listen Better: Technique #30 Sometimes folks don’t decide and move on because they can’t find the right answers. The listening technique, problems or predicaments, can help your talker because it suggests there might not be one “right answer” and, that is okay. Problems or predicaments? ■ The talker is struggling with a dilemma that may not have a specific solution. Share the difference between problems and predicaments. Then ask which they face. What’s the difference between a problem and a predicament? Prob-lems have right and wrong answers, for example: Two plus two equals four and does not equal five. Predicaments have options with posi-tive and/or negative consequences. (Note that I’m using “problem” here with a mathematical twist as opposed to “problem” on the TLC, which might better be translated “issue.”) We can get blocked in decision-making because we think we should be able to find “the one right answer” — when there is none. This happens often since most decisions aren’t related to problems but to predicaments. Continuing to look for single solutions to pre-dicaments can leave us stuck indefinitely. When we realize that there is no “right” answer, we can be free to choose an option that fits “reasonably” well. A simple example is deciding what smart phone to buy. There is no correct one, though some people think so and spend tons of time trying to get it right. And then to compound their frustration, after weighing all the op-tions, they make the decision and the purchase, only to find out a few days later, that a different one added a new feature that would have changed the balance. A more difficult example is deciding what to do with elderly par-ents who rely on you for moral or physical support. Whose decision is it at this step? Is it time for assisted living? Is it the right time to sell their house? Should they move in with you? Will home health options be enough? When is hospice care the right move? We don’t want to get it wrong and struggle to get it right when there are no “rights.” When listening to someone struggling to make a right decision, you might help them decide that it is not a problem, but rather a pre-dicament. That clears the way to look for possibilities with the most pluses and the least minuses and can move them along —another example of “nexting.” Ask: “What are your options in this situation...?” And then after re-flecting them back, ask: “And which of these have the most desirable and least objectionable consequences, assuming none of them is perfect...?” Again, after reflecting back, ask: “And which makes most sense to you...?” Or, “Which would fit you the best...?” Another great question businesses use to facilitate decision-making is: “Which option is good enough...?” “Good enough” saves immense amounts of wasted time and moves a company (and a person) along nicely. When you help yourself and others get clear about whether you’re dealing with a problem or a predicament, you’ll have discovered and shared a great sanity-producing skill and the increased likelihood of moving on. −∞− How to Listen Better: Technique #31 Sometimes we can’t make decisions and move on because of lack of clar-ity about motivation levels. We get hung up among (1) what we want to do, (2) what we want done, and (3) what we think we should, ought, or have to do. We can help ourselves and/or our talkers by sorting out these three motivation levels, so we can use them to act on what is important to us. It will give us the ability to use our motivations to drive behavior changes and open the door to new approaches to life. Motivation levels? ■ Describe the primary, secondary and tertiary motivation levels, then ask your talkers to examine and talk about theirs related to the decisions they are facing (works for you too). Similar to the technique in problems and predicaments, highlighting the three levels of motivation can open the door for your talker to find which emotional energies lie beneath their past decisions or the ones they face now. These playful concepts provide clarity that can free them to put more energy into what matters and to avoid more of what doesn’t. Primary motivation yields enjoyment Primary motivation is where we do what we want to do. And the pay-off? Enjoyment. Enjoying what we do puts us in the flow and is a powerful motivator. As the pleasure-pain principle suggests, we tend to move to-ward pleasure and away from pain. Doing work we enjoy is not at all the same as working only to put food on the table (secondary) or to keep from goofing or looking like failures (tertiary). Doing what we enjoy builds energy back into us. It doesn’t wear us down. Time passes quickly, often without us noticing it. Again, the pay-off for doing what we like to do (primary motivation) is enjoyment. Sometimes, I fish because I enjoy fishing. Secondary motivation yields satisfaction Secondary motivation is where we do things because we want them done, not because we want to do them. We want the results. The pay-off? Satisfaction. When we are clear that we want the results of doing something we may not enjoy, we have good, smooth-running energy to apply to it. We might say, “While I don’t want to do this (primary motivation), I do it because I want it done. (secondary motivation).” For most of us, saving money is not much fun, but we save because we want money invested for retirement and emergencies (delayed grati-fication) and find that satisfying. I can’t remember ever washing dishes because I enjoyed the process. I’m a secondary motivation dishwashing guy. I do it because I want to find clean dishes when it’s time to eat, don’t like mold, and don’t want the health inspector to shut us down. My preference would be to have someone around who likes to wash dishes (primary motivation). Satisfaction is a moderate motivator. As such it does not put as much energy back into us as enjoyment does. Doing all secondary moti-vation activity, brings to mind a version of the old saying, “all work and no play makes Jack and Jill effective, but a little dull.” To keep our operating energies in peak mode, a management expert said that sixty percent of our time should be spent on primary motivation activities. So if you work at a job only for the paycheck and security, you’ll need to play a lot of golf, fish, or read (substitute what you like to do) to balance it and keep your energy up. Again, the pay-off for doing what we want done (secondary motivation) is satisfaction.

Sometimes, I fish because I want the result: Smoked salmon for a party, fish in the freezer, or to get out of the office. Tertiary or anxiety motivation yields relief (Oh what fun! How often do you get to use a word like tertiary? Oops, back to work...) Tertiary motivation resembles secondary motivation. It emphasizes the result of doing something. But it implies that someone or something else is forcing our behavior, “I did it because I had to.” (Sounds like I’m not in control so therefore not responsible. Ugh.) Phrases like, “I should...,” “I ought to...,” “I need to...,” or “I have to...” suggest that not doing a particular thing makes us unacceptable. Saying: “We have to clean the house, pay our taxes, fix the washing machine, call mother, get the report into the boss,” implies that we’re not doing them because we want to or want the result. We’re doing them to prove our-selves, to look good, to not look the fool to others or ourselves, or to please someone else. This anxiety motivation gets us muddling around inside ourselves, confusing self-worth with accomplishing a task. It splits our energy be-tween doing something and proving ourselves. In high school my inse-curity showed up on the basketball court. I was torn between handling the ball and checking the coach to see how I was doing. It didn’t work. You can’t effectively watch two directions at once on a basketball court (or in life). It dissipates energy (and I missed too many shots). Healthy anxiety The proper function of anxiety is to raise questions for us about who we are, what our purpose is, and where we fit in the universe. When we answer these questions, we come out healthier, more directed, and clear about our value and place in the world. If we’ve done that when we consider a task, we can simply decide how much we want to do the task or whether we want the task done enough to do it. That’s a clean decision, not muddied with anxiety. If we haven’t settled the anxiety questions above, then we remain anxious about our worth and sense a need to prove ourselves to our-selves, to others, and to the universe in whatever we set out to do. So when we take on a task, whether we do it well or not, it becomes an issue of pass or fail as humans. If the steaks we grill aren’t perfect or our opinion gets voted down, we are not okay. That’s a lot of pressure hang-ing on such routine activities. When we rush around to clean house to look good, to prove our-selves because mother is coming to visit (anxiety motivation), what we get is relief. “Whew, got through that one.” No enjoyment and no satisfac-tion. Just an energy drain. When life batters my self-esteem, my fishing partner is catching and I’m not, or I haven’t caught one for a while, then whether I catch a big fish seems directly connected to my manhood. Takes the heart (en-joyment and satisfaction) out of fishing. Sometimes, I fish to prove myself and catching just gives me relief. (And relief is what we ought to get from Rolaids.) Checking out the motivation levels Asking your talkers whether their motivation was/is, primary, secondary, or tertiary, or some mix of the three, gives them a chance to move more of their behavior up a level or two. When we help our talkers focus on what they actually did or plan to do, and realize that it is their motivation that drives their behavior, then clarity develops about what is important. This makes real change pos-sible. When I don’t need to prove anything to anyone, then I can back off that dragging behavior and do what I want to do or what I want done (shifting from anxiety to satisfaction and/or enjoyment motivation). Here’s an example about how that learning worked for me. I transi-tioned from being a reluctant term paper writer who didn’t want to fail (anxiety motivation) to a teacher who wanted to share his ideas in book form (secondary). But I knew I didn’t enjoy writing enough (primary) to ever take the time off from ministry, being with people and fishing to get a book written, so I decided to use my motivations to help me. I signed up for a doctoral program because I wanted to get the book written and out there for people (secondary). I paid a lot of money and was too cheap to waste it (secondary). I told everyone so I’d be too embar-rassed not to finish the dissertation/book (anxiety). And after that life-changing experience (over 300 pages of putting my teaching into print) and writing the next thirty years, I have become an author who mostly enjoys writing (primary). Oh yes, and I do want to update this material to benefit readers in a time of communication crisis in our country (secondary). I have to admit that sometimes it takes wanting it done and anxiety motivation to get me back to the laptop, but when I get there, enjoyment takes over. This has been one big life change for me! Sally and friends of mine did a lot of listening to help me clarify my motivations, to keep me writing. And so? When we listen to folks and help them clarify and move their motiva-tions away from proving themselves and more toward wanting to do it and/or wanting it done, the less they get into that parent-child-anxiety bind, that gets them (and us) to resist. You can help your talkers with life changes by clarifying their moti-vations and recognizing that what they are actually doing is what they want most to do. It will give them the ability to use their motivations to drive behav-ior changes that they want and open the door to new approaches to life with more satisfaction and enjoyment. A thought as you shift on to PART FOUR: The agape of listening is real. Listening, as we are learning it deeply here, is a multi-faceted experience that can seep into your life. Whenever it does, you may find yourself using it in unexpected ways. Part Four contains several unrelated examples about how your new-found skills might help you and others navigate the common dilemmas of life. There’s more on decision-making, which can be a real stumbling block for individuals, couples and groups. I’ve included specific listen-ing games for groups and families (even with young children). There is help for groups gathered for difficult discussions, and for couples strug-gling with communicating. To top it off there’s a section on listening through dream discussions and listening to those who might be in a po-sition to help you through administrative red tape. Have fun with them.