Communication Barriers

Read: Petersen: Chapters 17 – 18

Petersen, J. (2022). Why Don’t We Listen Better? Communicating & Connecting in Relationships (3rd ed.). MBS Content.  https://mbsdirect.vitalsource.com/books/MBS7916214

Chapter 17

Avoiding Ten Communication Traps after defining the prOcess of taking turns talking and listening, we’re going to focus on more advanced and specialized listening skills. But before we do, I’m going to highlight ten of my all-time-favorite com-munication traps. There are others of course, but these are common and routinely keep us from listening well. They get in the way of clean communication. We humans seem to share a persistent under-the-radar tendency to want our own way, to stay in control (of others). This drive to win can surface both when it’s our turn to talk and when we listen. Often when we think we’re listening, we slip unknowingly into one of the winning-based traps. When we do, although we think we’re communicating clearly, mostly we’re trying to get our way by manipulating the conversation. Recognizing any one of these traps gives you the opportunity to shift into effective listening and relationship-building communication. 1. Ritual listening Ritual listening looks like friendly listening, but it’s not. While we’re quiet and watching the speaker, what we’re really doing is waiting for them to shut up or take a breath, so we can tell our story or make our point. While others talk, ritual listeners prepare.

They marshal their thoughts, scout for errors, and decide how to re-fute arguments. Ritual listeners appear calm, but so do boxers who step back before landing a knockout punch. This struggle sabotages the safety people need in which to relax and experiment with new thoughts. When you catch yourself ritual listening, shake it off and shift your focus toward understanding what the talker is trying to tell you. Hold what the talker says gently in your hands so it won’t break. Then hand it back so your talker can see it better. You might say, “Hold on a second, my thoughts just got in the way of hearing you...? You were saying...? Try it again and I’ll stay focused...? When you treat the talker with respect, you turn the talker into a friend by being one yourself. And the flip side for talkers, when you sense that your listener is not listening, say something like: “I don’t have a clue what you’re hearing me say. Please feed it back, so I understand what is coming out of my mouth.” 2. Perry Masons Be careful not to ask what I call Perry Masons. I named them in honor of the defense attorney on the forever-running-ancient TV drama series. When Perry asked, “Where were you at 2am, Tuesday morning, the 18th of May, 1996?” we knew that wasn’t a question. He had the guilty party cold. Grammatically, Perry Masons are confusing because they sound like they ask for information, but questions they’re not. Wife to husband, “Do you think I’m fat?” On a date, “Do you think she’s cute?” Or, “When will I see you again?” None of these are genuine questions and as a result, no answer will work without trouble. These Perry Masons are likely expres-sions of insecurity about weight, cuteness, and a possible next date. A Perry Mason disguises statements or accusations with question marks. Don’t be misled by that. A mild Perry Mason might be, “Do you have a hair appointment scheduled?” which could mask the statement, “You look pretty scruffy. I think you need a haircut.” As I was editing this section Sally reminded me I’d forgotten an ap-pointment. As I hurried down the hall to get dressed I said, “Were you going to fix breakfast?” My question carried a manipulative twist, because the hidden statement “I’m late and want breakfast” and the request be-neath it, “Will you make it for me?” weren’t explicit. She noticed my Perry Mason and replied as a listener, “Try that again?” I was caught and rephrased it as a statement with a clear request, “Ah, I’m late! Would you mind fixing me two pieces of bacon and an egg?” She happily said, “Not at all.” My second attempt was straight-forward — a nice EHJ balanced communication blend. When people use Perry Masons, you may observe that answers do no good. Why? Because answers work in response to questions and, again, Perry Masons are not questions. The following illustrations start with emotionally charged Perry Masons that disguise accusations. Notice that the answers don’t satisfy the askers: • “Were you looking at that blonde?” “No, I wasn’t.” “Yes, you were. I saw you.” • Or husband to wife, “Did you really need to buy another dress?” “Yes, it’s for your office Halloween party.” “You already have a closet full and besides, this is too expensive for a casual party.” • Or parent to child, “Do you have any homework?” “Well, yes, some.” “Okay then, turn off the television and do it before dinner.” No wonder children mumble or refuse to answer parental Perry Masons. They know they’re not safe curiosity questions. They carry not-so-hidden agendas. They are usually precursors to orders and lectures. If the three Perry Mason sayers above were more direct, they might have used EHJs and said: • Wife: “I felt hurt when it looked to me as though you were paying more attention to Alice than you were to me.” • Husband: “When you buy new clothes, I have an immediate hit of anxiety. I guess I’m really worried about our finances.” • Parent: “I’m worried that your teacher assigns more home-work than you have time to do. Is there any way I can help?” Some people raise Perry Masons to a high art form by using them in rapid-fire succession, like a battering ram, to wear down their opponents: • Where did you eat? • Who did you eat with? • Why did it take you so long? • What did you do after lunch? • Did anyone see you?” • What time did you get home? • And why wasn’t dinner ready? When caught, they defend themselves by saying, “I was just ask-ing.” Baloney! They were bullying. This goes way past listening, beyond talking, to unmerciful attacking. When you catch yourself using Perry Masons, stop. Identify your pur-pose by asking yourself what you are trying to say, and then say it clearly. You’ll probably need to follow it with listening to understand, not to win. And the flip side, if someone uses one on you, shift into listening mode and use the techniques you’ve been learning. After all, when they use Perry Masons they’ve become talkers (accusers), not listeners. 3. “Why?” Why? is a district attorney sort of question that carries a hidden agenda with an accusing tone. For example: • When someone says: “Why did you do that?” It seems natural to respond defensively, “I’ll tell you why, because you...” • Or husband to wife: “Honey, why did you pay this bill instead of that one?” more than likely suggests, “You paid the wrong one.” • Or wife to husband: “Why did you put the hinges on that side of the door?” indicates, not too subtly, that he put them on the wrong side and would elicit this kind of exchange: “If you don’t like the way I’m doing it, then do it yourself.” She: “That’s not the way my father did it.” And he: “Then get your father over here to do it. I’d rather watch television anyway.” • In another setting he says, “Why weren’t you home in time for dinner?” She responds, “I was working.” And the spouse says, “Work is all that matters to you.” What can you do when you catch yourself asking why questions and setting up arguments? First, stop asking them. Then figure out if there is something you are curious, concerned, irritated, or angry about. If what you find is riendly curiosity, be aware that leaving out an expression of that curios-ity turns your question into an accusation. Express your feeling before the why in your sentence: “I’m really curious why...” Or, “I’m wondering why you did that...?” Second, if you are irritated with the other person, then say so: “I’m uncomfortable (irritated or angry) with what you’re doing and wonder why you’re doing it that way.” It takes both E (emotion) and H (human factor) to make questions personal and safe. If you leave out the E and/or the H, the why by itself takes on a judgmental tone and will routinely draw defensive responses. And the flip side, if someone else throws a why at you, you’ll feel that little thud in your belly, so shift into listening mode and find out what they are really telling you. 4. “Not?” Listeners often try to guide talkers toward new insights or options by asking: “Don’t you want to try...?” Questions that include the abbrevi-ated form of not normally produce negative responses. Breaking up the contraction in the question above makes this clear: “Do you not want to try...?” Note that the question literally asks listeners to agree they do not want to try the suggestion. A grammatically correct answer might be: “You’re right. I do not want to try it.” Paradoxically, not questions encour-age negative responses to the listeners’ suggestions. Not questions are a night-time ritual in many families. When par-ents want their youngsters to go to bed, they ask, “Why don’t you go to bed now?” They combine the why and the not questions into a double whammy. They think they are making a friendly suggestion to produce a healthy move toward bed rest for the children they love. But, in fact, they are asking for a litany of all the reasons their youngsters can think of for not going to bed. Literally: “Why do you not go to bed now?” draws versions of “I do not want to go to bed now, because I’m not tired.” Or, “I want to watch this TV program, play my electronic game, or (if all else fails) do my homework.” The not question is not a question. Although couched in a ques-tion format, it’s a statement: “I’m worried about you getting enough rest to do well in school.” Or, “I’m tired. I want you to go to bed so I can have some peace and quiet before I go to bed.” Friends and counselors often ask not questions thinking that they are encouraging sensible solutions, like: “Why don’t you exercise more, take more time off, tell your spouse what you really think or how you feel, etc.” And have as much success as parents trying to get youngsters off to bed. Why? Because this is advising instead of listening. So, what do you do when you find yourself asking not questions and getting into uncomfortable conflicts? Either think about what you want to say and then say it or go back to being a listener. And the flip side, when a not hits you, as always, I suggest listening again. 5. “I understand” When someone says, “I just discovered I have cancer and I’m shaken to my toes,” it often draws the seemingly empathetic response, “I under-stand.” Why then so many defensive responses? Like, “Excuse me? How can you possibly know how I feel? You have no idea what I’m going through. I’m just trying to figure it out myself.” Though, usually the talker just stops talking, convinced that no one is listening. Wonder why I understand so often kills communication? Because: • We’re talking, not listening. We started talking about our understanding, not their issue. It would have been better to listen and say: “You’re shaken to the core...?” Or, if we want to let the person know we care, add: “That shakes me too...? When did you find out...?” Then shut up and listen to their experience. • We really don’t understand and that’s the truth. We’ve not just been diagnosed with cancer, so the comment is presumptuous. Even if we have or had cancer, our experiences are different from theirs and they need at first to talk about theirs, not hear about ours. Saying, “I understand” is often accompanied by an unconscious two-handed pushing away gesture. It suggests to the talker we don’t know how to respond, we are uncomfortable with the topic, and/or we’d rather they didn’t talk about it. The person with cancer senses this rejection, gets uncomfortable, and may shut down. If the pushing-away hand-movement is new to you, watch for it when someone replies, I understand, to emotional information sharing. When I have the urge to say “I understand,” I grab my hands before they start the pushing-away movement. I roll them over to a palms-up position, as though ready to catch and hold whatever the talker shares. (I sometimes extend my hands into a hug which might be the best thing to do.) When you notice yourself saying, “I understand,” what can you do? Say: “Wait a minute. I guess I really don’t understand...? Tell me what’s going on with you...?” When you sense the urge to say: “I understand,” bite your tongue and don’t ever do it again. Then open your hands, be kind to your friends, and say something like: “You must be surprised, shaken, upset, confused, shocked...? If it were me, I’d be a mess right now...? What’s going on with you...?” And the flip side, if you start to share something painful and get hit with an “I understand,” listen. Then ask in effect, “Sounds like you may not want to know more about what is going on with me, or do you...?” 6. Asking for one-word-answers When you are listening and want your talker to continue thinking out loud with you, best not ask questions that can be answered with one word. They stop conversation. “Did you do that?” Or, “Do you think you are wrong in this case?” are really different from, “What did you have in mind when you did what you did...?” Or, “How would you assess your own behavior in this situation...?” “Yes” or “No” would answer the first two questions, but stop the con-versations. The second questions would tend to keep the talkers talking and thinking about what they did, why they did it, and how it might be perceived by others. Sometimes parents ask, “How are you doing with your homework?” The asking for one-word-answers communication trap probably will turn up unwanted shut-downs like: “Fine.” With (couples, family relations, business interactions, counseling sessions), whenever good listening, communication, and creative thinking are essential, asking for one-word-answers blows the process. Let’s say you haven’t seen someone for a while who’s been through a difficult time and you ask, “How are you?” “Fine.” Or, “Are you getting along okay?” “Yes.” Note that neither exchange includes the personal part of us, just head talk. So, many have learned to ask again, “No, I mean, I care...? How are you really...?” And having shared our feelings and asked for more than a one-word answer, we’ll likely get the full story (unless they really don’t want to talk about it). Or we could listen by asking, “I’ve been thinking about you lately and wondering what’s going on with your writing (marriage, kids, job, etc.)...?” Most people likely will fill us in, that is, go on talking. At the beginning of a couples counseling session, I’ve made the mis-take of asking, “How’s it going?” and “Fine” shuts me down (briefly). Or, “Are you getting along better now?” And again, “Yep.” Or, “No!” dumped me into a communication hole. I had to discard the trap and get back to better listening techniques. Besides, a one-word answer like that is judgmental and the partner often jumps to a defense, “What do you mean ‘fine?’ You haven’t changed at all, you...” And they are into an argument, instead of listening to each other. (Not what I had in mind.) When my daughter got her first tryout for a newspaper reporting job on the East Coast, fresh out of college, she finished an interview with the big editor and was in the outer office filling out the forms. Another editor was amazed and asked how she got the job since the big boss never hired anyone with fewer than five years of experience. Her answer, “My dad taught me never to ask a question that could be an-swered with a ‘Yes’ or a ‘No.’ We kept talking until he decided to try me out.” “Whew,” he said, “I’m going into my office and locking the door before you get my job.” And the flip side: What do you do when someone asks you one of those one-word-answer questions? If you want out of the conversa-tion, give the one-worder. But if there is a chance for the two of you to go deeper by your sharing, then say something like: “Well in one word, ‘Fine,’ but since you asked, it’s not been easy, I’ve struggled with...” Or, “Yes, but there is more to it than that. Let me fill you in on what’s really going on with me and how I’m handling it...” 7. “Yes, but...” Let’s remember that Yes, but... usually means No. When we use Yes, buts... as listeners, we’ve stopped listening and started talking. While a Yes, but... may seem like we’re hearing and agreeable, it really is argumentative. We know that what comes after the “but” is the truth, that is, what we really mean. People mostly hear what comes after it. For example, “I love you, but when you don’t call me to tell me you’ll be late it, I get steamed.” Or, “I appreciate all the effort you made, but...” State-ments like these rarely communicate what we want them to. Listening and remaining focused on talkers’ views is difficult, espe-cially when we don’t agree. Almost without noticing, we’ll slip in a Yes, but... to encourage people to change their thinking in our direction. If it’s any comfort, I have a tendency toward being a chronic Yes, but... offender. I often slip before realizing it, but then, when I do catch myself, I try to get back to listening. When you catch yourself using Yes, buts... on folks who need listeners, what can you do? Apologize for yes-but-ing. Go back to listening until the talkers finish their turns. Then and only then have you earned your turn (right) to talk. While yes-but-ing is not a good listening habit, it can be a useful talking technique. Assertiveness training consultants recommend us-ing Yes, but... as a means of holding your own against unpleasant and pushy people. For example at a car dealership, say: “Yes (repeat what the salesper-son said so it is clear you heard it), we’d look just great driving down the street in this affordable new car, but (express feelings only, no thoughts the salesperson can argue), we don’t want to spend that much. We want the car for $3,000 less.” When the sales rep comes up with more arguments, repeat the Yes, but... process: “Yes (repeat here all the new reasons), but (repeat your feelings above). Continue the process until the rep wears down, that is, knows they have been heard and knows clearly what you want or don’t want. It works with most pushy people.

When at cross-purposes with insistent kids, it can be used to hold the line and benefit you and your children: “Yes, you really want that $2,800 dirt bike. You’re the only one on the block without one. You’ll be em-barrassed riding up the trail on your old one, but, I want to save money for your college expenses.” A repetitive and consistent use of this method helps youngsters feel heard and makes it a little easier for adults to carry out their parental responsibilities. And the flip side: When someone Yes, buts... you, since they are talking, feed back what’s on both sides of the “yes, but” with the em-phasis on what comes after the “but.” Because that is what they mostly mean. Listening response to an above statement: “So while you love me, you want me to hear that you really get fried when I don’t call you to let you know I’m going to be late...?” 8. “You’re not listening to me!” Deep into an escalating conversation we might get around to a “righ-teous” accusation, “You’re not listening to me!” That's what we say when our partners (children, co-workers, etc.) score high enough on the feel-ing scale to be more interested in what they think and feel than in what we’re saying. In truth — they aren’t listening to us. So, how did that happen? Well, you know. We told them slow-ly and carefully what we wanted them to understand. Then we said it again and came up with super illustrations. When that didn’t work, we demanded more time to say it one more time, logically. Surely, we thought, that would help. Perhaps we even raised our voices to get the message across. Failing that time too, we doggedly spelled it out for them, again and again. And what were they doing while we were making this gigantic communication effort for “the good of our relationship?” Why, they were getting fidgety, even irritated and defensive, maybe trying to hold on to themselves to keep from shedding tears or breaking a vase. That's when we put the accusing capper on it, “You're not listening to me! I just want to be understood!” And we're right. They’re too busy defending themselves against our convincing efforts to listen. For the Talker-Listener process to work, it requires that someone be able to listen. However, once a heated conversation starts, it’s tough for the talker to stop even though we’re barreling down a wrong road. I'm sure you've never done this yourself, but for your friends or counselees who get into this jam, the sooner they decide to turn around the better. It makes no sense to waste breath trying to get folks to under-stand when their brains are too flat to hear. So, when you think about saying, “You’re not listening to me,” let that be your clue that it’s time for you to go back to listening. Maybe you can take enough pressure off their ears so they can hear you. And the flip side: When they say it to you (and they are right), de-cide whether you are too flat-brained to listen (and need a break) or get serious again about listening: “So you figure I’m not listening to you...? And you just want to be understood...? What is it that I’m missing that you’d like me to understand...?” And keep on listening because they are really upset. 9. Fixing it — “I want a consultant, not a husband (or wife)” I’ve saved the most common communication trap people use on each other for near the end of the list — the desire to help others by fixing their problems or at least giving advice. So, how do we shake loose from this communication killer? I know, I know. I’ve already talked about advising being a “No! No!” and how important it is for a listener to keep track of who owns the problem. But most of us keep trying anyway. Fixing is a dominant and dan-gerous inclination. It damages listening by wrenching the problem away from talkers, cutting into their confidence. Many guys read the handbook that says, “Your forefathers protected their women from being carried off by marauding tribes, bagged game to feed the family, and fought off lions and tigers. The least you can do is fix your wives’ problems.” So it came naturally. We want to take care of and fix the problems our partners face. Nice motivation, but when we try, it doesn’t work and we get criticized, “You never listen to me! All I wanted was to talk it over.” And it’s not only guys afflicted with the fixit gene. In my counsel-ing experience I’ve found it shared about equally between the sexes.

Many gals read the mother handbook that says, “You are responsible to bring your youngsters up well (whatever age, including husbands) and that means not letting them suffer, keeping them from harm, tying their shoes, fix-ing their meals, and their problems.” Few of us like it when someone treats us as children (as if we can’t manage our own lives) by taking over and trying to solve our problems. Truth shows up in strange places. A novelty store placard I saw said, “Sometimes people do not want the answer, they want a friend.” That brings to mind a computer guru buddy, who describes his trouble with prob-lem-solving and listening in his first marriage this way: “I struggle with this. I like to solve problems. It's so ingrained in me that I think that way all the time. What is it? Is it working? Can I make it work better? If not, why not? Can I fix it? If not, try anyway. That's how I see the universe... makes it hard on a relationship.” In his second marriage it took him eight years to learn to do this instead 1. “Listen; 2. “Validate her feelings no matter what I think; 3. “Listen more; 4. “Validate more; 5. “Is she still talking? ... Keep listening; 6. “Need more validation? No, okay, but keep listening; 7. “NO! STOP! She did not ask you to fix it... Keep listening; 8. Is she still talking? Keep listening...” And here’s a clue about the flip side: Couples often get into trouble when one wants to talk things over and the other wants to be helpful. Asking your partner to think through an issue with you can stir up im-mediate conflict. My spouse/partner, Sally, taught me how to handle this one. She discovered that when she walked into my office at home with an issue she needed to think through, I would quickly forget what I teach and leap into action, giving advice. That of course frustrated her, but made me feel really smart and important, that is, for the short time before she got mad and considered not ever placing her problems in the hands of this rotten listener again. Fortunately for us, she figured out a way to get me off the problem-solver-thing and into a useful mode of listening. For years now when she walks into my office, she first asks, “Is this a convenient time to talk?” And when it is or we set a time for later, she says, “I have an issue I want to talk over. I want a consultant not a husband. Can you handle that?” Whew, bumps me right out of my groove and off my advice pillar. I know how to do that. I grab the Talker-Listener Card and slide into listening mode. The TLC reminds me it is her problem. I’m to work at understanding and clarifying, no advice, no agreement or disagreement and especially no defending. I don’t try to solve her problem. She gets heard, sorts out her issues (I stay out of trouble) and we both feel better. 10. Screens of all sizes Since the earlier editions, screens of all sizes have waded into the mid-dle of our communication and can’t be ignored. As with most things in life we can use our electronic screens either to benefit or to damage our relationships. Telephones morphed communication into therapeutic listening, phone therapy, distance coaching, and now those phones are enriched by screens with Skype, Facetime, Zoom, etc. We don’t have to be geo-graphically close to connect personally, face-to-face. My laptop screen bailed me out of a counseling session with a young hearing-impaired couple. The two had cochlear implants and used the oral method of speaking that sounds to me a little like a for-eign dialect. And dialects challenge my high range hearing loss. We struggled, attempting to understand each other, trying to sort out their marital issue. Finally, I asked (mimed), “Do you type?” They did. I sat between them with my laptop so we could all see the screen. We passed the computer back and forth, handled the counseling session on the screen until we’d resolved the issue. I printed the file and they took it with them. Wonderful! However, do note that I’ve included screens of all sizes in the sec-tion on communication traps, figuring that if we don’t keep an eye on them, they will take over our relationships and wipe out face-to-face interactions. They also seem to possess addictive qualities and are now showing up on lists of troublesome personal issues. Most of us have felt ignored and unheard at times when others seem lost in their screens. And we’ve probably done it “unto” others as well. One Fourth of July weekend, seven family members from three gen-erations gathered around a crackling campfire in the Wallowa Moun-tains in northeastern Oregon. Stomach full and happy, I looked around. Only two of us were not fiddling with screens of one size or another. And the other non-fiddler was reading a book. In a playful way I kidded about how modern we were. Acknowledg-ing what we might be saying by our behavior in a non-judgmental way touched off a little group embarrassment at being caught using electron-ics in the midst of all that outdoor beauty and amongst relatives. It also opened an interesting conversation about what we were doing, why we were there, and what we had to share with each other. A recent TV commercial for a diamond pictured a well-dressed cou-ple at a corner table in a classy restaurant, champagne poured, both peering down into their smart phones. The guy texts the gal, “Look up.” She does. He hands her an engagement ring. She happily accepts. Funny, scary, and something more than puzzling. If we assume “screening behavior” (watching computer, pad, T.V., smart phones & watch screens) is talker body language, then we can listen by asking, “Are you interruptible...?” or “Is this a convenient time to talk...?” or “Looks like you have something going...?” or “Are you up to put-ting the screen down and discussing an issue with me...?” when we’d like to communicate with someone engaged with a screen. How can you handle smart phone interruptions in groups? Or what about the “smartphone effect,” when one person pulls out a phone and everyone else does too? You could agree that the person, who pulls theirs out first buys the drinks or washes the dishes. Some people leave their cell phones home when the event is nearby and safety is not an issue. Others civilize their friendly dinners by play-ing the “phone stack game.” After ordering, they pile their phones face down in the center of the table and ignore the rings and beeps. The first person unable to resist their phone's siren song and who picks it up also picks up the check. It puts the question front and center, “What is that text message worth?” It also may focus the evening on sharing, just like acknowledg-ing screens did around the campfire. When you put the people who are with you ahead of those beckoning from across the ether, you open the door to deepening your immediate re-lationships. With fear and trepidation some families risk setting unplugged meals, evenings, drives, events, or weekends — no screens of any size. And then you make reconnection possible (though still challenging). The issues, that is how to make the most of our lives in an age of electronic screens, how to handle the demands of immediate connectiv-ity, and how to apply common courtesy (love) in this new world will fill many books. But, it’s too much for these pages. However, don’t get me wrong. In our home we love our screens of all sizes. They bring the resources of the world to us anywhere, though we try not to let them run our lives. Our goal is to master our tools, not to be mastered by them. What if a talker or listener uses one of the ten traps on us? When someone tries a communication trap on you, keep this in mind: They probably don’t realize what they’re doing. They think they’re lis-tening or talking in a helpful way. So, what can you do? • Because they aren’t listening, switch from talking to listening and clarify what they were trying to say beneath the trap. Then after they’ve been heard, get back to your turn again. • Or, you can remind them that it is your turn to talk. You can ask them to set aside their views for the moment and listen until you’ve been heard and understood. You can make it clear that after you’ve been heard, you’ll take time to listen to their concerns. These communication traps are so common we hardly see ourselves using them. You may have noticed I admitted to using several myself. If you remember them, you can catch yourself and others using them. Then re-say what you intend to say or listen and find out what they were trying to say. Frequent trap use pushes away the very people we want close to us. Paying attention to these traps will keep you out of unnecessary skirmishes and strengthen your connections with people.

Chapter 18 Three Essential Listening Modes and Attitudes

As i just in chapter 17 said about screens, most things in life can be used for either good or evil. So too with listening techniques. They can enrich communication, connection, and growth. Or they can be used to take advantage of someone, to get our way, and to bully. Underneath the words are attitudes and ways of treating people that make a difference. With the increasing polarization of opinions and feelings in the country now, this is often the case. It’s difficult to let go of deeply felt, hardened ideas long enough to really hear another point of view. I’ll share some options for doing that in the next three listening. techniques. How to Listen Better: Technique #15 Is there a way to listen when you don’t agree with the talker, when you have figured out already what the talker should think or do, or when you don’t expect the talker to have much worthwhile to offer? (Think “politics, religion, etc.”) Allow space ■ Make space in your mind for insight and surprises to emerge from talkers’ reflections and comments. Be aware that while others are talking, we tend to be deciding whether they are right or wrong and what they should do about their situations.

Sometimes we even make up our minds before conversations get started. Such prejudgments can prevent us from understanding what’s going on or helping people come up with options that fit them. They also can keep us from thinking new thoughts. To allow space means opening our minds to possibilities beyond what we’ve already thought. This goes deeper than technique. It points to an attitude change. It means appreciating someone who thinks differ-ently than we do and whom we may not even like. Remember? Listening is dangerous to our pre-formed opinions. Real listening requires getting inside other people’s thought processes, which may cause us to discard a few of our old thoughts and replace them with new ones. Seeing through someone else’s eyes and experi-ence may transform us. (Scary.) To allow space means letting talkers’ thoughts emerge and valu-ing them. We might say to a talker: “I’m having trouble hearing since our views are so different...? But I’m going to set mine aside so I can understand yours...? How does what you think about this issue feel to you on the in-side...?” Or, “Let me catch my breath while I set my thoughts aside. I want to understand yours...? You’ve apparently been struggling with this for some time...? Tell me what you’ve been thinking, what you’ve considered, and what you’ve tried...?” When we suspend our views, it’s like temporarily locking them in a safe. They will remain there and we can go back and get them. Noth-ing here suggests you abandon your beliefs or opinions. But if you can suspend them long enough to listen, you may deepen friendships and contribute to a sense of comfort even between people who disagree on certain points. This frees us to engage in other people’s thinking with them. Such good listening can produce growth in listeners, as well as in talkers. An allow space attitude suggests listening more in general. It means opening ourselves to people we normally “pass by on the other side.” It doesn’t take a lot of extra time, but does take concentrated effort. Those few minutes at the water cooler, on a commuter train, waiting for meetings to start, or during lunches present opportunities to deepen connections that make working together more effective (and it enriches our lives). Listening to co-workers, family members, or strangers with genuine interest, being fully present without an agenda, hearing their passions (children, art, sports, books, etc.) and finding commonalities — these simple things benefit them and us. In listening skill training for businesses, while participants are get-ting sold on its value for their work, I stop, ask them to take a breather and realize that all these techniques work at home as well (and that, comes as a surprise to some). I encourage them to think about their partner, spouse, and/or family on their way home, then walk in the door ready to listen, and to make their day, rather than expecting to be looked after (and likely disappointed.) To allow space broadly in relationships initiates the possibility of deeper connections with others and ourselves and of staying on a grow-ing edge. −∞− How to Listen Better: Technique #16 How can you handle listening when you get impatient with the speed at which they are moving through their issues? When it’s their turn to talk, your desire to move them faster is not only irrelevant, but gets in the way. It’s more effective to match pace. Match pace ■ Reflect the pace of the talker. Many of us have trouble with this. Television taught us that problems can be solved in thirty minutes less time out for commercials. We prefer keeping things moving on our schedules, after all, “time is of the es-sence.” We want talkers to get to their insights soon, that is, at our pace. But, it means that we shoot our empathetic demeanor in the foot — the talker has no sense that we are with them. And in fact, we are out ahead of them (and often in the wrong direction). In these situations, if we push, they resist by slowing down even more. Not helpful. So, respect your talkers’ speeds of self-discovery.

Remember, like midwives, we listeners help talkers give birth to new understandings. This process depends on the internal clocks of the mother and the baby. Allowing a talker to move through an issue is a similarly delicate and time-consuming process. Hopefully the way we treat them keeps them from feeling criticized and left behind. It requires slowing down our drive to move fast. Generally, it’s essential for us to slow down unless the talkers happen to be unusually fast-paced. If we let ourselves get bored with the process-ing others do, we may not be focusing well enough on them (because we’re more focused on ourselves?) and we may be missing too much to help. If you simply can’t give the time and attention now, then carefully make an appointment to finish the conversation when you can. When you match pace with your talkers, it will help them feel a change in how seriously you are listening to them. It will allow them to take more time to think things through. They will be better able to assess their situations so that new directions can surface. −∞− How to Listen Better: Technique #17 Sometimes “calmness” comes across to talkers as lack of interest, zero caring, and looks mechanical and unfeeling. It is possible to use good listening techniques and stay unengaged, leaving the talker alone and feeling (and maybe being) worked over. How do you both get engaged and come across as engaged? Meet intensity ■ Ramp up your emotional intensity to within two points of the talker’s. That doesn’t mean matching a specific emotion like anger, but rather keeping your emotional engagement level near the talker’s. Because I hear it so much in counseling, I’ll illustrate this with the wom-en who complain that when they’re upset, their husbands become in-furiatingly calm and logical. Many men mistakenly believe that when their wives are shaken, all they have to do is flatten out emotionally and their wives will calm down. (This behavior at times also fits wives, friendly listeners, and counselors with their clients.) Logic Man’s approach leaves talkers alone in their emotional plight. That’s akin to hanging out on the end of a high, creaky limb, all alone. This helplessness often gives way to a sense of hopelessness and anger. Let’s number feelings: A woman hovering near eight could easily jump to fifteen in the presence of a man who meanders between zero and one. If the man were to listen by stirring up some emotional in-tensity (within two points of hers) and use a few other listening tech-niques, she would feel heard, less alone, drop a few emotional points on her scale, and figure there is hope. If he moves toward her intensity, it would allow them to move ahead together without her shutting down or getting angry. How might a guy get his energy level to reflect hers so she doesn’t feel alone? This has both a personal and technical side. It takes both car-ing and the appearance of caring. First, regarding caring, think about what’s important and ramp up your concern for the talker. (No fair pretending until you gather enough info to make your case and then checking out.) Examine your motives and go for understanding (supporting) not replying or winning. Some folks have reported that they tried the Talker-Listener Card with their spouses, but that “it” caused disruption rather than connec-tion. I’m suspicious and suspect that they approached the techniques in a bloodless, emotionally flat way, gaining one more indicator that they “tried everything” and it didn’t work. Sometimes people who “try” are trying to get their partners to agree with them rather than trying to understand their partners. Motives do matter. Second, work on technique. Perhaps own your own feelings by saying, “This is tough for me to hear, but I care about you and want to stay with you through this...? Tell me what’s going on...?” The listener could also increase meet intensity by putting the paper or book down, turning off all electronic screens, turning toward the talker, leaning forward, making eye contact, (slightly) raising the pitch or tone of voice, using a little more dramatic language, and focusing exclusively on the talker’s concerns and point of view. If they’re a couple, it might help if they went to another room, to a restaurant, for a walk, or away from children. At times men feel alone in what matters to them too — work future, financial responsibility, politics, relationships, sex, sports, hobbies, etc. The intense and undivided listening described above makes a real differ-ence to them as well. People not only need to be heard, but to feel heard as well. So get engaged and listen as though your life depends on it.