Essay for English

Peer Edit Essay 1

1. Evaluate the writer’s introduction. 

a. Is it the right “shape”. No because the last sentence in his intro paragraph is not his thesis statement. His claim was not in the right order.  

1. Circle the topic and underline the opinion. What words tie this to the essay prompt?

"However, the sport is more of a community because it consists of diehard players who play driven by passion for the game”.  (Don’t use diehard because it is a slang word)

“Therefore, the game has had and is expected to have a positive impact on the new generations.”

1. Evaluate the writer’s paragraph(s).

 

1. What words tie the paragraph to the thesis? In other words, what connects the paragraph idea to the thesis? I can not tell what paragraph connects to thesis because there are many different subjects that aren’t relevant to the writer's claim. 

1. Does each paragraph have clearly distinct points to develop? They set up different ideas to defend? No because it is not even clear and most of the commentary doesn’t explain how it connects.

1. Check for unity, coherence and tone

1. Do all of the sentences tie to the topic sentence? It is hard to tell what the writer is  trying to talk about because the topic sentence doesn’t connect to what he’s talking about. The writer talks about how basketball is more spread through the media but without itself more independently. 

1. Highlight transition words you see. If you don’t find “for example” or “to illustrate” anywhere, suggest where such transitions might be appropriate. 

“For instance, the NBA league consists of twenty-nine United States’ team and one team from Canada”

For example, Lebron James has been recognized for his big achievements, which are seen from his talks in the show, ‘The shop” (Fourney & Timothy).

1. What are you most impressed with in this draft? What’s really working? His tone and the use of pathos through his essay. The writer gave a lot of information.

 5.What needs the most work? Where would you encourage your peer to revise this draft? Connection and your intro. Some stuff isn’t relevant and isn’t constructed well. The writer’s jumps around too much and doesn’t fit the prompt for how you explain evidence. Try putting your thesis in the last sentence of your intro and make sure when reading it, it gives you an idea what each body paragraph is going to be about. The thesis should connect to each beginning topic of each body paragraph. You should state what NBA means because some people might not even know what it means.