darkside of communication

13Adolescent-to-Parent Abuse: Exploring the Communicative Patterns Leading to Verbal, Physical, and Emotional Abuse

Nancy Eckstein

I’d back up, yeah. And then sometimes I would be the aggressor. If he’d come at me, I’d go at him and then he didn’t like it and he’d back off. So, it was almost like a dance, you know. You just figure it all out and it’s a routine.

—Mother, age 41

The interactions within families are a dance—the movements of one elicit- ing the responses and actions of the other. Although communicative epi- sodes can elicit emotions such as joy and encouragement, interactions gone awry may also create despair, discouragement, and in some scenarios, abu- sive situations. To survive within the dark side of family relationships, fam- ily members are forced to learn ways to respond to each other that protect themselves and others from abusive episodes. To “fully understand how people function effectively requires us to consider how individuals cope with social interaction that is difficult, problematic, challenging, distress- ing, and disruptive” (Cupach & Spitzberg, 1994, p. vii). This is especially true in families where adolescents verbally, physically, or emotionally abuse their parents.

The world of intimate violence is complex and multidimensional. Forms of family violence include spousal abuse, child abuse, elder abuse,

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sibling abuse, and the focus of the study in this chapter, adolescent-to-par- ent abuse. The definition of adolescent-to-parent abuse is any act of a child intended to cause verbal, physical, emotional, or financial damage to gain power and control over a parent (Cottrell, 2004; Harbin & Madden, 1979). Researchers from differing disciplines have sought to identify the causes of this type of abuse in attempts to understand its dynamics (Eckstein, 2004, 2005; Gallagher, 2004a, 2004b; Omer, 2000; Price, 1996). For example, what is the role of media in the development of the attitudes toward violence of children? Do socio-economic factors play a role in abuse? Are psychological factors present? Does intergenerational vi- olence play a role in adolescent-to-parent abuse? More specifically, and for the purpose of this chapter, do communication patterns play a role in iden- tifying the development of an adolescent-to-parent abuse episode—possi- bly providing the first step in preventing adolescents’ abuse of parents?

Adolescent-to-parent abuse is unique compared to other forms of do- mestic violence in that adolescents are the perpetrators of the abuse and parents the victims, and it is apparent the problem is increasing. Family counselors, law enforcement officials, and parents are searching for infor- mation on an occurrence that is increasingly demanding more of their at- tention (Gallagher, 2004a, 2004b). Therefore, the purpose of this chapter is to provide the results from a study on adolescent–parent conflict inter- actions ending in abuse. First, relevant literature is explored that intro- duces understanding of the problem. Second, findings from a qualitative interpretive study are presented to advance understanding of this phe- nomenon.

DESCRIPTION OF THE PROBLEM

Assigning a name to a form of domestic violence where adolescents are abusing their parents is proving troublesome. The terms “parental abuse/ violence,” “battered parents,” “youth who victimize their parents,” “par- ents abused by their teenage children,” “adolescent-to-parent abuse” and “adolescent violence toward parents” are used interchangeably (Bobic, 2002). Because of the confusion these terms create in identifying a specific form of abuse, this study adopts the term adolescent-to-parent abuse (AtP abuse) to provide a directional descriptor of the abuse.

Although all forms of domestic violence experience an underreporting of incidents because of the “victim–offender relationship … identified as a significant determinant in low crime reporting” (Bobic, 2002, p. 4) and AtP abuse is particularly susceptible to this. Researchers agree that there are almost no social scientists ready to venture a guess about the extent of AtP abuse, although they believe the number of incidents is rising

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(Cottrell, 2004; Gallagher, 2004a, 2004b; Pagelow, 1984). The most re- cent National Family Violence Survey reported 2.5 million parents were struck by their adolescents and 900,000 of these experienced severe abu- sive episodes (Cornell & Gelles, 1981; Straus, Gelles, & Steinmetz, 1980). Data from Canada revealed that the occurrence of physical AtP abuse is 1 in 10 (DeKeserdy, 1993), and Japan reported a 4% occurrence (Laurent & Derry, 1999).

Approaching AtP abuse from a communication perspective is new for family violence research even though such an approach is particularly well suited to studying the patterns of interaction leading to verbal, phys- ical, and emotional abuse. Regardless of the intentionality (message sender’s point of view) or the attribution (message receiver’s point of view) of a verbal or nonverbal behavior, family abuse is “done in a way that violates socially acceptable standards and carried out with the inten- tion or the perceived intention of inflicting physical or psychological pain, injury, or suffering, or both” (Cahn, 1996, p. 6). Identifying the communicative patterns and progression of AtP abuse is an important step in presenting comprehensive findings that practitioners can utilize in developing interventions.

DEFINING ABUSE

Research reveals that different responses within conflict interactions may lead to different forms of abuse (Eckstein, 2004, 2005; Price, 1996). Be- cause the purpose of this study is to identify patterns leading to verbal, physical, or emotional abuse, it is important to operationalize these types of abuse.

Verbal abuse is defined as a destructive form of communication that fo- cuses on the implicit attack on the self-concept of the other instead of fo- cusing on the discussion (Infante, 1995; Infante, Sabourin, Rudd, & Shannon, 1990). Types of verbally abusive messages include accusations, rejections, refusals to talk, disconfirmation of threats, character attacks, competence attacks, background attacks, physical appearance attacks, maledictions, teasing, swearing, ridicule, and nonverbal emblems (Dailey, Lee, & Spitzberg, chap. 11, this volume; Infante, 1995; Infante, Chandler, & Rudd, 1989; Semic & Canary, 1997). In fact, verbal abuse is viewed as a catalyst to more severe types of abuse in relationships, and its prevention may help reduce the consequences associated with other violent episodes (Atkin, Smith, Roberto, Fudiuk, & Wagner, 1999; Kinney, 1994).

Physical abuse is defined as “an act carried out with the intention or the perceived intention of causing physical pain or injury to another person” (Straus & Gelles, 1990, p. 467). Examples of physically abusive actions in-

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clude hitting; punching; kicking; shoving; pushing; slapping; biting; hitting with an object; beating up; or attempting to shoot, stab, or strangle another family member.

Emotional abuse is defined as using the “knowledge of the weakness of others to control, dominate, or exploit them … when one person knows that another is in a weakened emotional state and utilizes that weakness to take advantage of the person, such behavior qualifies as abuse” (Price, 1996, p. 10). Although debate exists about whether emotional abuse is distinct from verbal abuse, parents report recognizing a distinct differ- ence in the intensity and perceived purpose of the emotionally abusive statement and its effect on them (Eckstein, 2004, 2005). Emotional abuse is used to dominate, control, or exert power over another person, and parents often consider it more damaging than physical abuse (Eckstein, 2004, 2005; Price, 1996). Examples of AtP emotional abuse include threats or attempts of impending physical assault, suicide, self- destructive acts such as quitting school, running away, drug use, indis- criminate sex, reporting parents to child protective services, and provo- cation by vulgarity and personal attack to bring about an inappropriate adult response (Dodge, Bates, & Pettit, 1990; Price, 1996).

CHARACTERISTICS OF ADOLESCENT-TO-PARENT ABUSE

Although research on AtP abuse is sparse, researchers have identified common characteristics. First, AtP abuse often begins between the ages of 10 and 14 and if it does not stop, continues to increase in severity and intensity as the child grows older. Although there is little difference in the rate of abuse and the sex of the adolescent at the ages of 10 and 11 (Harbin & Madden, 1979), with each year after age 11, sons showed a higher incidence of abusing parents; severe parental abuse increased when sons reached between the ages of 14 and 17. Mothers were more likely to be physically abused than were fathers, and abuse perpetuated against fathers was severe and usually the act of sons (Cornell & Gelles, 1981; Cottrell, 2004; Eckstein, 2004; Harbin & Madden, 1979). The size difference between the teen and the parent seems to play an important role. If an adolescent was stronger and larger than the parent, violence was more likely to be initiated toward the parents. Females and small boys often relied on speed and weapons to abuse parents. Conter- intuitively, severe child abuse rarely played a role in adolescents’ abuse of their parents and teens who abused parents often abused siblings (Eckstein, 2004; Harbin & Madden, 1979).

Families experiencing AtP abuse reveal patterns of denial on the part of both the parent and adolescent (Eckstein, 2004; Harbin & Madden,

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1979; Price, 1996). Although “secretiveness” is prevalent in many types of abusive family situations, abused parents denied the abuse in attempts to (a) prevent further abuse from their adolescents, (b) protect the fam- ily from social agencies they did not trust, and (c) protect their own self-image. If parents admit to having an abusive child, they would admit to society and themselves that they are “failures” as parents (Eckstein, 2004; Harbin & Madden, 1979; Price, 1996). In fact, the depression, anxiety, and guilt experienced by parents may contribute to their denial that the problem exists. The consequences of this denial may cause ado- lescents to perceive that abusive behavior toward their parents is accept- able, and, as a result, parents’ sense of helplessness becomes normative (Eckstein, 2004, 2005; Price, 1996; Sheehan, 1997).

Parents may deny their victimization, but they are able to differenti- ate among the different types of abuse—verbal, physical, and emo- tional—and identify the clear pattern of incremental progression (Eckstein, 2004). The first time parents experienced any type of abuse by their adolescents, it usually occurred in the form of verbal abuse (Cottrell, 2004; Eckstein, 2004; Gallagher, 2004a, 2004b). Over a pe- riod of time, if parents were unable to stop the verbal abuse, adolescents progressed to a more severe type of abuse, either physical or emotional (Berkowitz, 1990; Eckstein, 2004; Infante, 1995). Although verbal abuse was initially distressing to parents, parents found it diagnostic, as a warning signal of impending physical or emotional abuse. These par- ents interpreted verbal abuse so as to (a) predict what might take place in the ensuing abuse episode, and (b) adapt their conflict responses in an attempt to prevent conflict from escalating into physical or emotional abuse episodes (Eckstein, 2004; Infante, 1995; Kinney, 1994). Because of this, attention must be given to this assertion— that verbal abuse plays a primary role in the escalation of conflict patterns resulting in abusive episodes.

Finally, some AtP abuse findings conflict with Marshall’s (1994) asser- tion that emotional abuse precedes physical abuse; rather emotional abuse is a form of abuse unto itself. In fact, emotional distress and emo- tional abuse need to be conceptualized independently. Emotional dis- tress occurred as a consequence of physical abuse because of parents’ distress that “their” child would do this to them (Eckstein, 2004; Gallagher, 2004a, 2004b; Price, 1996). It is important to note that at times parents reported specific emotional abuse behaviors without phys- ical abuse occurring. From a family systems perspective, this may be re- lated to the development of patterns within the family—when the adolescent threatens to harm or kill the parent during an emotionally abusive episode, the threat becomes a real possibility because of previous physical abuse episodes. As a result, emotional abuse not only becomes a

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replacement for physical abuse but is a powerful way to gain compliance (Eckstein, 2004, 2005; Marshall, 1994; Price, 1996).

Researchers have drawn several basic assumptions regarding abused par- ents and their adolescents: (a) adolescents prefer alternate ways of dealing with conflict but are not able to implement them and as a result, simply re- peat the behavior that has been learned and reinforced; (b) when abusive behavior is in process, family members may be overcome by strong emo- tions and lose the capacity for perspective taking; (c) both abuser and vic- tim may feel helpless, powerless, and experience unresolved internal and external conflicts; (d) it is important for adolescents to understand their own history of abuse; and (e) providing adolescents with alternate ways of behaving may help develop a process of change (Dodge et al., 1990; Gehring, Wentzel, Feldman, & Munson, 1990; Harbin & Madden, 1979; Hemphill, 1996; Price, 1996; Sheehan, 1997; VanOostrum & Horvath, 1997).

Researchers have explored the possible causes of antisocial behavior and agree that family interaction plays a large part in childhood development (e.g., Gehring et al., 1990; Hemphill, 1996; Omer, 2000; Willits, 1987). Although “Many therapists … accepted the modern idea that these de- structive situations occur because the rights of young people are being vio- lated and their self-determination is being denied them” (p. 1), a growing number of therapists have moved away from the “trend in our culture to- ward parent blaming and recognize the abusive techniques and emotional terrorism used by young people to exploit and befuddle adults” (Price, 1996, p. viii). Many family counselors agree that abused parents are more than just parents who raised their children the wrong way (Gallagher, 2004a, 2004b; Harbin & Madden, 1979; Price, 1996). In the search to ex- plain, predict, and control parent abuse episodes, some researchers have studied the interactions in the adolescent–parent conflict episode escalat- ing into abuse.

FAMILY PROCESS CODE

Adolescents classified as socially aggressive are two to three times more likely to start conflictual behavior without provocation. Snyder, Schrepferman, and St. Peter (1997) created the Family Process Code to provide understanding of the interaction that takes place when an adoles- cent decides to implement conflict in the family. The Family Process Code involves the start up state, the reciprocate state, and the escalation of the situation. In the case of abused parents, the escalation of the conflict epi- sode resulted in verbal, physical, or emotional abuse of the parent. Pursu- ing the escalation of these conflict states by adolescents may be related to a perceived payoff situation (e.g., privileges, power, changing of rules).

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Whether or not an adolescent continued to escalate a conflict into an abu- sive situation may be directly related to whether or not the adolescent was trying to get something from the parent or the parent was trying to get something from the adolescent. The level of investment in the desired out- come may determine the level of escalation by each member of the dyad (Eckstein, 2005; Snyder et al., 1997).

MODELS OF INTERACTION

Price (1996) noted that an interaction leading to parental abuse often seemed to occur in the following manner: (a) the adolescent made a re- quest; (b) the parent asked for clarifying information; (c) the adolescent responded courteously and provided the requested information; (d) the parent acknowledged the teen’s point of view but decided to say “no” based on the information provided, while possibly continuing the conver- sation regarding a possible “next time”; and (e) the adolescent tried to change the mind of the parent by asking the parent to explain the decision, sometimes using the information to continue to challenge the parent until certain the answer would not change. If the parent held firm to his or her decision, the teen started using abusive remarks and threats, harassed the parent by following the parent around, and finally responded with verbal threats, physical force, emotional abuse, and often destruction of property.

The types of aggressive behaviors are important to recognize for appro- priate treatment of an adolescent. Yet the “escalation of violence is an interactive process. When parents or others overact and intervene emo- tionally, they can cause the adolescent’s aggression to escalate to a higher level” (Price, 1996, p. 100). Therefore, it becomes important to identify patterns of communication so that intervention can occur in the early stages of conflict interactions to prevent escalation into abuse. This study’s focus is on identifying these patterns so that counselors, parents, and abu- sive adolescents can manage conflict episodes, hopefully preventing future abuse. Therefore this study seeks to answer the following research ques- tion: What are the communicative patterns in parent– adolescent conflict episodes escalating into AtP abuse?

METHODS

Participants

Participants were 20 White (7 men, 13 women) parents who had been ver- bally, physically, and emotionally abused by an adolescent child (age

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10–17) who was living at home during the time of the abuse; parents had experienced all three types of abuse. Parents ranged in age from 35 to 55 years (M = 42). These families averaged 3.4 children, and 19 of the 20 families had only one child who was abusive. Nine of the participants were in first marriages and had been married an average of 25 years; nine were in second marriages and had been married an average of 9 years; and two were divorced at the time of the interview. Thirteen participants had been abused by their biological children, 5 by their stepchildren, and 2 by their adopted children. Using a snowball sampling procedure, participants were located through a church network and a court-ordered parenting class.

Data Collection and Analysis

Interviews are the best alternative in cases where the researcher’s observa- tion of the phenomenon is not possible (Metts, Sprecher, & Cupach, 1991) and a number of family violence researchers have successfully used the interview method (e.g., Lloyd, 1996; Olson, 2002; Sabourin & Stamp, 2004; Wood, 2004). Therefore, semistructured, open-ended interviews were conducted (Holstein & Gubrium, 1995; McCracken, 1988) using retrospective questions that asked each participant to explain one incident of each type of abuse episode. The use of probing questions helped the par- ticipants provide full and in-depth responses. Interviews were audio re- corded and lasted 1 to 1.5 hours. A professional was hired to transcribe the interviews, which yielded 753 pages of 1.5 line-spaced data.

Data analysis involved using Glaser and Strauss’s constant comparative method (Lindlof, 1995; Strauss & Corbin, 1990). For rigor in the analysis process, emergent patterns were evaluated against other data collected for the project as well as from other studies done on the issue, often alternat- ing between analytic induction and deduction (Creswell, 1998; Taylor & Trujillo, 2001).

Data were analyzed in three phases. First, the transcripts were simulta- neously listened to and read in their entirety to verify the accuracy of tran- scription and develop an overall picture of the participants’ perceptions (Huberman & Miles, 1998). Second, based on procedures of grounded theory, analysis moved back and forth between emerging patterns and rele- vant scholarship, allowing the data to guide the reading, and the reading to shape understanding of the data (Creswell, 1998; Strauss, 1987). Cases that did not clearly fit the patterns that emerged from these data and pre- vious literature were set aside for further analysis. Third, the discrepant cases were analyzed inductively, and patterns emerged naturally from the interviewees’ comments (Creswell, 1998; Miles & Huberman, 1994). Fi-

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nally, guided by the research question, data were reexamined to dou- ble-check the presence or absence of patterns of interactions that emerged from AtP abuse. In this step, the transcripts were read again, looking for any disconfirmation of the analysis and to locate exemplars for this re- search report (Miles & Huberman, 1994; notations from interview tran- scripts are cited by participant and page number in the transcript. 9:2 means participant 9, page 2 of transcript).

For confirmation of the findings, a member check (Creswell, 1998) was performed by presenting the conclusions to 8 of the participants in written form. These participants confirmed the interpretation and credibility of the analysis and stressed the consistency of these findings, reporting how similar the findings were to their own experiences.

RESULTS

Analysis of these data revealed two different patterns serving as a precur- sor to abusive interactions—the asking pattern and the requesting pattern. In the following sections each of these patterns are defined and the specific communicative behaviors presented as each pattern developed and esca- lated from verbal into physical or emotional abuse.

Communication Patterns of Abuse—Asking Pattern

The asking pattern occurred when the adolescent was asking the parent for permission to do something or if the adolescent wanted something from the parent. The asking pattern involved a lengthy interaction between ado- lescent and parent, initial civility on the part of the adolescent, and a will- ingness of the adolescent to discuss the request with the parent before the conflict began to escalate into verbal abuse. The asking pattern has three possible results: (a) escalation to verbal abuse, (b) continuation from ver- bal abuse to physical abuse, or (c) continuation from verbal abuse to emo- tional abuse (Fig. 13.1).

All episodes of abuse within the asking pattern began with verbal abuse and if the conflict con- tinued to escalate in intensity, progressed to either physical or emotional abuse patterns. The first nine steps of the asking pattern, if not interrupted by the adolescent receiving parental consent, led to verbal abuse. Addi- tional escalation of the conflict past verbal abuse resulted in either physical

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Figure 13.1. Asking pattern escalating to verbal abuse, physical abuse, and emotional abuse.

or emotional abuse. Studying Figure 13.1 reveals a number of specific op- tions in responses that a parent and adolescent may take; the option chosen under each step often determined how the episode unfolded.

Step 1—the adolescent request—of the asking pattern was straightfor- ward in nature and involved the adolescent making a request of the parent, such as asking permission to do something or go somewhere. The adoles- cent’s request was usually civil in an effort to gain permission from the par- ent. This step was followed by Step 2—the parental response—and occurred regardless of whether a parent gave permission or denied the ado- lescent’s request. The parental response was relatively straightforward and included the options of (a) giving permission (which prevented any type of further conflict), (b) asking for clarification (e.g., “Who will you be with?”), or (c) saying “No.” Reasons for saying “no” may have included the parent’s belief that it was not a good idea, the adolescent’s chores were not done, prior limitations such as being grounded, or a family rule prohibiting a certain activity.

The parental response was followed by Step 3—the adolescent response—and involved a reply from the adolescent to the parent. Ado- lescent responses included (a) badgering or swearing, (b) verbal argu- mentativeness (e.g., “can’t make me do it”), (c) deal making (e.g., “If you let me go I will do it next time”), (d) verbally attacking the family rules, or (e) arguing (e.g., “the other kids can—you don’t trust me”). It is im- portant to note that during the adolescent response step of the asking pattern, if a parent provided a negative response to an adolescent’s re- quest, some adolescents skipped Step 4 (second parental response) and proceeded directly to Step 5 (second adolescent response). Parents be- lieved that whether the adolescent immediately intensified his or her re- action to a negative decision may have depended on previous interaction history. If aggressive behavior on the part of the adolescent normally re- sulted in eventually getting his or her own way, the adolescent may not have allowed the parent an opportunity to provide the second response before escalating the conflict.

In Step 4—the second parental response—the parent’s response to the adolescent may have included (a) verbal reassertion of parental authority (“I am the parent and what I say goes”), (b) restatement that a chore or task needed to be done before the adolescent would be allowed to go, (c) deflection (e.g., nevertheless, regardless), or (d) an explanation of the rea- sons for why the adolescent was being refused the request. An adolescent’s response to the second parental response often determined whether or not the interaction escalated into a conflict scenario that eventually turned into an episode of verbal, physical, or emotional abuse; the parent’s re- sponse in this step may have influenced the type and intensity of abuse with which the adolescent responded.

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Step 5—the second adolescent response—included the adolescent’s second reaction to his or her parent’s refusal to accede to the adolescent’s wishes. During this step the teen may (a) ask again for a parent’s rationale for the decision, (b) try to change the mind of the parent by arguing, or (c) challenge the parent to be sure the parent’s answer will not change. The method the adolescent used in Step 5 as he or she tried to change the mind of the parent or challenge the parent involved verbal aggression (badgering and swearing) while physically following the parent around.

The next step of the asking pattern is Step 6—the parental directive re- sponse. The purpose of this step was for parents to reestablish their posi- tion as both the parental authority and as someone who would not be bullied. Communicative behaviors in the parental directive response often included (a) repeating their reasoning and standing firm, or (b) requesting appropriate behavior from the adolescent (telling the adolescent that swearing was not acceptable and to stop talking that way). When the re- quest for appropriate behavior occurred, the parent’s focus was no longer on the original issue, but rather shifted to the language being used—the conflict became about the verbal aggression. At this point the parent real- ized there would be an escalation of the conflict and often deliberately chose to engage rather than give in to the request of his or her adolescent. Parents reported that issues of parental power often entered into the con- flict at this point.

During Step 7—adolescent escalation to verbal abuse—the adolescent escalated the intensity of the verbal assault directed toward the parent and may also have tried to include other family members if present, particu- larly siblings. Most family members not directly involved in the conflict often left the vicinity or silently observed the escalating episode; by ad- dressing them, the adolescent attempted to engage the larger family sys- tem. The strategy of these adolescents of attempting to involve other siblings in the conflict often proved successful because parents often did not want their other children involved and as a result, this affected the de- cision the parents made on how or whether to continue in this interaction.

As a result, Step 8—the parental reactionary response—involved the parent reaching a point where he or she reported his or her communicative choices were often a result of emotional reactions. Parents’ behaviors might include (a) physically leaving the room to escape the escalating ver- bal aggression, (b) ignoring the adolescent, or (c) giving in to the adoles- cent, which either ended the conflict or prevented the verbal abuse from becoming directed toward other family members. At this point in the esca- lation of the conflict, by using more severe verbal abuse the adolescent of- ten got what he or she wanted, thus ending the conflict. However, the conflict continued to escalate if the parent still did not give in to the ado- lescent’s wishes.

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The parental reactionary response is a key step in understanding what behaviors are present when an adolescent proceeds to the implementa- tion of physical or emotional abuse. Although an adolescent may stop at verbal abuse, in families experiencing all types of abuse, this does not seem to be the case. In Step 8 if the parent chooses not to give in to the re- quests of the adolescent, abused parents often make a conscious decision to face the consequences of those actions—physical or emotional abuse.

As a result, in conflict episodes where the adolescent did not escalate to physical or emotional abuse, parents described the verbal abuse as be- coming out of control. Step 9—the adolescent reactionary response–ver- bal abuse—usually involved one of three choices on the part of the adolescent. First, the adolescent continued to follow the parent around the house screaming and verbally abusing him or her until the parent gave in, the adolescent gave up, or the episode escalated to physical or emo- tional abuse. Second, if the parent had left the room or locked himself or herself in another room to get away from the adolescent, the adolescent often followed the parent and stood outside of the locked door, verbally abusing the parent until the teen either grew tired and left or the parent gave in. Third, the adolescent took his or her parent’s retreat into another room or disengagement as a sign of parental defeat and often left the house to pursue the activity.

Throughout the verbal abuse segment of the asking pattern, parents stressed they fought to maintain calm to prevent escalation of the abuse from verbal to physical or emotional abuse. Sometimes this approach was successful and the adolescent would retreat from the conflict. It is impor- tant to note that at any time during this pattern of escalation an adolescent may stop the conflict by refusing to challenge a parent. A father reported:

Sometimes if I remained calm, he tended to, you know, just get some swear- ing off his chest, kick a few things, maybe throw something and 10 minutes later he’d be fine. But if I would challenge him, it would end up going much longer and getting much more severe. I wished I wouldn’t have challenged him by walking towards him, getting into what he considered his space. I wish I wouldn’t have yelled at him. As time went on, I guess I did get calmer and calmer. (1:8–9)

Parents also identified the intensity of the conflict situation by evaluat- ing the nonverbal cues of their adolescent. One mother described:

And when he got older you could tell it was coming, too. Except it would be more aggressive. He would be more rude, more sarcastic, more edgy. He’d be snapping at everybody … I don’t know how to describe it. You just knew it was coming. [He’d] crack his knuckles a lot. He’d do this nut-cracking thing …. Sometimes

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he was kind of picking at his fingers … sometimes he’d be messing with stuff like papers or stuff in his room. (11:4–5, 17)

Parents who had experienced a number of years of verbal abuse re- ported they reached the point at which they no longer had the energy to stand by their decisions and endure the verbal abuse. To prevent conflict, many participants simply said “yes” to their adolescent and avoided fur- ther abuse. The conflict episodes in which parents did stand firm often re- sulted in escalation of the conflict that concluded with parents being physically or emotionally abused by their adolescents. A mother explained this type of scenario:

My husband and I are, like, what are we fighting for anymore? That’s kind of where it started going down, where we just—the fight … wasn’t worth it any- more. It made us feel bad …. I don’t know if it was—the emotional abuse wasn’t that he was putting it on us, it’s just that we were so mentally exhausted with ev- erything that we couldn’t take it any longer. (11:13–14, 27)

Over the years, for a majority of these parents, these abusive adoles- cents often successfully controlled their parents’ responses to requests by simply wearing down the parents’ energy and willingness to confront issues that might lead to some form of abuse.

In this study, the pattern to verbal abuse always preceded both physical and emotional abuse even though it did not always become physical or emotional abuse. When verbal abuse did progress to physical abuse, it was often a result of Step 8—the parental reactionary response—in the verbal abuse pattern. If the adoles- cent did not leave the house and the parent did not give in to the teen’s re- quest, the parent often attempted to leave the room where the conflict was taking place; would go to a bedroom, office, or bathroom; and close and lock the door to keep the adolescent out. If the parent attempted to leave the room of the conflict, ignore the adolescent, or lock himself or herself in a room to prevent engagement in the conflict with the adoles- cent, the adolescent at times moved to the use of physical abuse.

As a result, in Step 9—the adolescent reactionary response–physical abuse—physical abuse occurred when verbal abuse continued to intensify. Behaviors in this step often included the adolescent (a) “getting in the face” of the parent (physically moving in front of the parent 1 or 2 inches away screaming and verbally threatening); (b) physically restraining the parent by grabbing his or her arm to prevent the parent from leaving; (c) throwing something at the parent; (d) pushing, shoving, or hitting the par-

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ent; or (e) breaking a door or wall with a foot or fist. Parents believed that adolescents may have sensed they had crossed some line of appropriate be- havior at this point and viewed crossing this line as a reason for ending the conflict—there was no farther to go—and usually left the house to do what they wanted to do.

In Step 10—the parental defensive response—if the adolescent did not leave the house the parent most often responded defensively to the physical abuse by putting his or her hands up for protection or placing his or her hands on the adolescent’s shoulder or chest to physically stop their son or daughter from coming closer. It is important to note that a large number of abused parents revealed that touching the adolescent in any way prompted a more severe physical reaction from the adolescent and may have been viewed as an act of aggression by the parent; the adoles- cent often retaliated by pushing, shoving, or hitting the parent. When an adolescent’s reactions included physically striking the parent or breaking a door, wall, or window, a parent may have employed a number of differ- ent options in dealing with the abuse: (a) take the physical abuse and do nothing, (b) call 911 for outside intervention (either the parent or an- other family member), (c) physically defend themselves, or (d) rely on another family member for defense. If a parent did call 911 for help with a physically abusive adolescent, the teen often responded by trying to get the parent in trouble with the police. When the police arrived, some ado- lescents, in an effort to shift the focus off of their own behavior, falsely accused the parent of child abuse or of using or selling drugs, often en- couraging the police to search the house.

An abused parent’s response to an adolescent’s physical abuse led to Step 1—adolescent reaction to parent’s defensive response. First, if par- ents physically defended themselves or were defended by another family member such as a spouse or child, parents believed that the adolescent used these actions as a justification to leave the house. A second response that might occur when a parent defended himself or herself was that the adolescent called 911 and accused the parent of child abuse. Whether the physical abuse episode ended at the parental defensive response (Step 10) or the adolescent reaction to parent’s defensive response (Step 11), most often police intervention at the request of either the parent or the adoles- cent ended a physically abusive episode. Parents reported that police often listened to both sides of the story, calmed the disputants down, or re- moved the adolescent from the home for a brief period of time.

Tracing the communica- tive behaviors in the asking pattern that leads to abuse makes it clear the conflict episode may stay at verbal abuse, but verbal abuse always preceded

13. ADOLESCENT ABUSE OF PARENTS 377

physical and emotional abuse. The parents’ role in episodes leading to physical and emotional abuse began at the same point in the pattern—the parental reactionary response (Step 8). When a verbally abusive episode in the asking pattern progresses to emotional abuse, one key aspect occurred: Parents did not give in to an adolescent’s request, and they continued to engage the adolescent in dialogue. As the conflict continued to escalate, the majority of participants explained they often physically left the room and locked themselves in a different room so that the teen could not physi- cally follow them, but parents reported attempting to communicate to the adolescent that they were no longer willing to listen to the verbal abuse, that they would not give in to the adolescent’s request, or they stated that they were going to ignore the adolescent. Either ignoring the adolescent, refusing to give in to the adolescent’s request, or engaging the adolescent in dialogue often resulted in emotional abuse.

In communication patterns leading to emotional abuse, Step 9—adoles- cent reactionary response–emotional abuse, the adolescent responded to the parental reactionary response with some form of emotional abuse. An adolescent emotionally abused his or her parent by (a) standing outside of the door of the room a parent retreated to and providing threats both phys- ical and emotional in nature, (b) threatening to hurt himself or herself, (c) threatening to hurt the parent or other family members, or (d) yelling per- sonal attacks that the adolescent knew the parent was extremely sensitive to and would find emotionally hurtful.

Step 10—the parental final response—involved a number of communi- cative behaviors that ended only when the adolescent chose to let it end. In fact, parents appeared to be the ones attempting to continually engage the adolescent in discussion. Parents’ responses included (a) ignoring the emo- tional attack and continuing to engage the adolescent on the issue, (b) reaf- firming his or her love and concern for the teen, (c) not speaking while waiting for the adolescent to stop the emotional abuse and then reengaging on the issue, (d) crying, or (e) responding in anger and giving in. When dealing with an emotionally abusive episode, abused parents often strug- gled to maintain calm and simply let the adolescent wear himself or herself out. Although this may be a successful way to end an emotionally abusive episode, the length of time it took for this to occur was reported by parents as being “an eternity” (1:23).

The emotional abuse pattern concluded with Step 11—the adolescent’s final response—and incorporated one of the following behaviors: (a) stat- ing that the parent did not love or hated him or her, and then leaving the house; (b) going to his or her room; (c) becoming quiet so the parent emerges from the room and then reengage in the discussion face to face; or (d) expending his or her energy and stopping the abuse. When the parent, who at this point was often locked inside of a room away from the adoles-

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cent, no longer heard the emotional abuse occurring, he or she often emerged from the room thinking the episode had ended. When this oc- curred, the adolescent either resumed the abusive episode where he or she had left off or ended the conflict. Often, if the parent had waited long enough and then emerged from the room the adolescent often acted as if nothing had happened and resumed a normal conversation about a differ- ent topic. If the adolescent resumed the conflict, both parent and adoles- cent returned to the beginning of the emotional abuse pattern and went through the conflict process once again.

Parents explained that in the asking pattern, emotional abuse episodes could last from 20 minutes to 3 hours or more. Physical abuse ended much sooner if police intervened or if the adolescent left. However, parents de- scribed emotionally abusive episodes as the most severe form of abuse and in severe episodes of emotional abuse, some parents reported it often took 2 or 3 days after the incident for them to be able to function normally and get their emotions back in control.

As these data reveal, the asking pattern began with verbal abuse with specific steps that if not interrupted, escalated to either physical or emo- tional abuse. However, another communicative pattern clearly emerged from these data that at times resulted in AtP abuse episodes—the request- ing pattern. The following section introduces the requesting pattern and the steps in this process.

Communication Patterns of Abuse—Requesting Pattern

Although the asking pattern was initiated by the adolescent asking parents for something, a second, the requesting pattern, occurred when parents re- quested that the adolescent do or stop doing something, or when parents asked informational or behavioral monitoring questions. The requesting pattern follows a very rapid and intense escalation of conflict by the adoles- cent and results in verbal abuse but, in these data, not physical or emo- tional abuse. One mother explained:

So, what led up to this [requesting pattern], basically, was me asking a question. Me, actually doing the things that a typical mother, I believe a mother should do. Know the whereabouts of their kids … . So asking him about certain issues often would bring this on … in my mind that became what our exchanges were like. Simply, you know ask the question, get your head bit off, ask the question, get swore at, get cussed at, you know, called dirty names, things such as that. (9:5)

Over time a small number of these participants eventually retreated from requesting information or asking their adolescents to perform household

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duties that might cause a verbally abusive episode. A visual portrayal of the steps in the requesting pattern leading to verbal abuse is presented in Figure 13.2.

During Step 1—parental request—of the requesting pattern the par- ent makes a request of their adolescent such as (a) asking for information regarding the adolescent’s plans (e.g., “Where are you going? Who will you be with?”), (b) asking the adolescent to discontinue a certain behav- ior (e.g., stop drinking, smoking, swearing), or (c) asking the adolescent to do something (e.g., chores, homework). Interestingly, and possibly be- cause all of these parents had participated in parenting classes directed toward raising difficult adolescents, parents’ requests for adolescents to do something were identified as being direct in nature and specifically stated. For example, rather than saying “I want you to clean the kitchen,” these parents reported stating, “I need you to unload the dishwasher of clean dishes, reload it with dirty dishes, and wipe off the kitchen table” (14:23). This type of request left no doubt as to what the parent wanted the adolescent to do.

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Figure 13.2. Requesting pattern escalating to verbal abuse.

This request was met by Step 2—an adolescent’s affirmation of inde- pendence. The second step involved a response from the adolescent that affirmed his or her independence or free will. An adolescent’s three main responses to a parent’s directive involved (a) stating it is none of the par- ent’s business who they would be with or where they were going; (b) as- serting that the parent cannot force him or her to do anything he or she chooses not to; and (c) verbally abusing the parent, which often removed the focus from the parent’s request and to the verbally abusive language.

Depending on the adolescent’s previous response, Step 3—the parental reactionary response—occurred and included (a) ignoring and restating the directive or question, (b) verbally reasserting his or her parental au- thority (the right to know and expect certain types of behavior), or (c) di- recting the adolescent to stop using that kind of language, once again taking the focus off the request made by the parent and redirecting the focus of the conflict to the verbal abuse.

The next step in the requesting pattern, Step 4—the adolescent action response—involved the adolescent responding with a behavioral action, such as (a) responding with a final explicative and leaving the house, (b) verbally abusing the parent on the way to his or her room, or (c) verbally abusing the parent while implementing the parental request. If the ado- lescent did not end the conflict at this point by leaving the area or fulfill- ing the request, parents often took the next step and ended the conflict episode.

Step 5—the parental final response—was the final step in the request- ing pattern. In this step, parents (a) restated the request or question, reas- serted the right as a parent to do so, and often left the room with no enforcement; or (b) conceded the battle was lost and did not pursue the request any further. For all of these participants, the requesting pattern ep- isode ended after parents were verbally abused by the adolescent, but with no further escalation to physical or emotional abuse. However, many of these parents believed they had also conceded their parental power in this interaction by either demonstrating the inability to enforce their request or because they simply lacked the energy to pursue it any further. Because of the interdependent nature of the family system, the concession of power that often occurred in these AtP abuse episodes affected the rules and roles of family members.

DISCUSSION

These findings add to the family conflict and violence research that has at- tempted to identify the types of communication patterns present in abuse episodes (e.g., Price, 1996; Snyder et al., 1997).

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First, when exploring patterns of AtP conflict, the Family Process Code provides a good starting point in understanding “normal” adolescent–par- ent conflict, but it does not take into consideration the possibility of esca- lation of conflict into abuse (Snyder et al., 1997). For example, the startup state is supported in these data, but falls short of explaining abuse other than to state that the “behavior of the adolescent is considered aggressive or argumentative” in some manner. These data expand on the startup state, and identify the interaction as being specific in nature and initiated by the adolescent’s asking something from the parents or parents request- ing something of the adolescent; this distinction proves to be very impor- tant in how the conflict episode plays out.

In addition, the reciprocate state was virtually nonexistent in these AtP abuse patterns. Snyder et al. (1997) asserted that when conflict is initi- ated, the other participant in the conflict episode reacted immediately with the same type of response, thus escalating the conflict. This did not happen in these episodes of conflict but rather, most parents sought to de- velop patterns and responses that would specifically result in deescalation of the intensity of the conflict. This is possibly due to parents’ tendency to use verbal abuse as a predictor of what was to come. As a result, they moni- tored their own behavior in attempts to stop the escalation of the episode into more severe forms of abuse (Eckstein, 2004). In fact, the responses of parents during the reciprocate state were in direct contrast to the tactics used by the adolescents. For example, if the adolescent used verbal abuse, the parent reported attempting to speak calmly and quietly. If an adoles- cent moved too close into the physical space of the parent during a conflict episode, the parent often stepped back to reestablish that space in an at- tempt to prevent the escalation of the verbal abuse into physical abuse.

Second, although some researchers want to place verbal abuse and emo- tional abuse into the same category of abuse, one cannot dispute the AtP abuse findings that parents clearly recognize and differentiate types of abuse (Cottrell, 2004; Eckstein, 2004, 2005; Gallagher, 2004a, 2004b). Part of this may reflect disciplinary differences; sociology, psychology, and communication all embrace different definitions of what constitutes abuse. Regardless, these data recognize the beginning cluster of the asking pattern in Price’s (1996) model that results in verbal abuse, but then goes on to describe what takes place in interactions that escalate from verbal to physical or emotional abuse. Although Price’s model follows a simple lin- ear progression, these findings add the varying responses of both the ado- lescent and the parent and take into account the multifaceted design of family communication that is dependent on the history of the relationship, the context of the request, and the roles or rules within the family system (Galvin & Brommel, 2000). For example, in the first step of Price’s model, when an adolescent makes a request of the parent, the parent proceeds to

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the second step and requests additional clarifying information; these find- ings reveal that the parent may request additional information but he or she may also immediately deny the request.

Additionally, in the third step of Price’s model, the teen responding courteously to a request for information is virtually nonexistent in these findings. Rather, adolescents responded to the parent in a number of ways (e.g., badgering, swearing, verbal aggression, deal making, arguing), all of which escalated into some form of abuse. Many of the episodes skipped all three of Price’s midpattern steps (the teen responding courteously, the parent acknowledging the teen’s point of view, and the teen asking for ra- tionalization from the parent), and jumped directly from the parent’s re- sponse to the teen challenging the parent. In fact, the adolescent’s request for clarification was often itself challenging in nature. The final step of Price’s model, where the adolescent requests parental rationalization, is recognized as a tactic to influence or change a parent’s answer. In Price’s model it was not until the adolescent believed he or she could not change his or her parent’s mind that a verbally abusive episode began; findings from these data suggest the final step of Price’s model may be nonexistent and the adolescent often began the verbally abusive episode at the request- ing parental rationalization step. If parents did not prevent escalation of the conflict at this point, the verbal abuse often led to physical or emo- tional abuse.

Although adolescents and parents had many options in each step, there were only three possible outcomes. Adolescent–parent conflict escalated to verbal abuse and either stopped or proceeded to physical or emotional abuse. This supports previous assertions that verbal abuse precedes physi- cal and emotional abuse (Gelles, 1987; Infante, 1995; Kinney, 1994). In addition, the parental reactionary response (Step 8) of the asking pattern plays an important role in determining whether the abusive interaction progressed. For example, parent reactionary responses included leaving the room, ignoring the adolescent, and giving in to the adolescent’s re- quest. The only parental response that guaranteed the prevention of esca- lation of verbal abuse was giving in. This finding provides understanding to parents that although giving in to an abusive adolescent may prevent esca- lation of abuse, it may also inadvertently send the message that verbal abuse is an acceptable tool for the adolescent to use when attempting to get his or her own way. Understanding this might allow parents to be more willing to hold firm to their decisions if it means not rewarding an adoles- cent’s verbally abusive behavior.

When a parent chose one of the other options, such as leaving the room, ignoring the adolescent, or not giving in to the adolescent’s request, the ad- olescent often escalated the conflict to physical abuse. Parent reactionary responses that resulted in emotional abuse included physically leaving the

13. ADOLESCENT ABUSE OF PARENTS 383

room, not giving in to the adolescent’s request, ignoring the adolescent, or engaging the adolescent in dialogue. If parents and professionals under- stand that continuing to engage the adolescent in discussion may lead to emotional abuse, or that engagement may communicate that it is accept- able to use abuse, then parents may choose to neither give in nor provide an explanation or clarification; parents may also be more willing to stand firm in their decisions. These findings may enable family practitioners to ex- plore and provide additional communicative strategies to parents dealing with abusive adolescents that might prevent abusive episodes and loss of parental power.

Although it is important to acknowledge that both parents and adoles- cents contribute to the conflict process, adolescents seem to play a large role in how and when the three different types of abuse episodes in the ask- ing pattern ended. Unless the adolescent chose to not pursue an abusive path, each type of abuse ended in a different way: Verbal abuse discontin- ued when the parent gave in to the adolescent’s demands; physical abuse ended when the adolescent either left the house or the police intervened; and emotional abuse often ended when the teen grew tired and disengaged in some manner. All of these types of interactions reveal the power the ad- olescent has in controlling the dynamics of the family conflict—the abu- sive interaction does not end unless the adolescent chooses to end it or until law officials are called in.

Third, a very important finding of this study was the identification of the two interaction patterns—the asking pattern (adolescent asks parents for permission to do something) and the requesting pattern (parent asks adolescent to do something). Although the asking pattern mirrors much of Price’s (1996) patterns of the interaction model, the identification of the requesting pattern is informative. This conflict pattern involved a less complex set of steps and escalated quickly—in a matter of seconds. The re- questing pattern ended with verbal abuse but did not progress into physical or emotional abuse. Part of this could be due to the fact the adolescent was not the one attempting to get something; as a result, perhaps the adoles- cent was not invested in the conflict. If the adolescent did not want to comply by giving the information or fulfilling the request, he or she often simply responded with verbal abuse and left the area. In an effort to pre- vent verbal abuse, many parents no longer requested teens do chores or asked where they were going.

Also, the requesting pattern may have stopped at the adolescent’s use of verbal abuse because the parent may have adjusted his or her response to prevent the escalation of the conflict episode into a more severe type of abuse. Because parents were the ones requesting, they had the power to choose to engage or back off. Those parents who continued to make re- quests of teens expected verbal abuse to be part of the process and often

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tolerated verbal abuse rather than relinquish their power to request. This finding is important to parents and professionals as it provides opportunity for practical application. Parents who make a request of their teen may be taught to do it in an alternative manner rather than verbally requesting compliance or information. For example, rather than ask the adolescent to do a chore, parents might try a weekly chore list that is tied into an allow- ance or use of a car. Rather than ask an adolescent where he or she is going, a form could be filled out when adolescents are leaving to go somewhere that would provide the information. These types of suggestions focus on the behavioral aspects rather than communicative aspects of the par- ent–adolescent relationship and could possibly prevent verbal abuse from occurring. However, although these suggestions are practical applications, reality is often a different story and implementation of these suggestions may themselves become issues of conflict.

All studies have strengths and weaknesses and this study is no different. First, it is important to note that these abuse episodes are told from the perspective of the abused parent and as a result, social desirability issues do come into play. However, the fact that the participants’ reports share such similarities lends credence to these findings. Hearing the experiences of victims of AtP abuse can only add to the sparse literature available on this topic. In addition, all of these participants had engaged in numerous types of counseling and brought to their testimonies an objectiveness of time spent in reflection. Ideally, future research would include recording the ac- tual abusive interaction, although ethically this may be difficult to justify to internal review boards.

Second, it is important to note that not all conflict interactions in these families led to abuse. The purpose of this study was to have participants describe specific abusive episodes; future research could ask abused par- ents to describe both conflict interactions not leading to abuse and those leading to abuse. Doing a comparative analysis of these different types of conflict interactions may provide valuable insights into the role different communicative strategies play in abuse.

Studying any form of abuse within the family dispels the notion that there is such a thing as normal family interaction. Although a family may be experiencing AtP abuse, these families continue to function and stay to- gether as a family unit, regardless of the pain and despair family members may experience. Expanding the dark side relational literature allows re- searchers, family practitioners, families, and students to understand and reconsider these types of family interactions. Although focusing on fami- lies experiencing AtP abuse situations may be discouraging to some, for family practitioners and researchers attempting to bring about change in these types of relationships, discussion of these dark side interactions pro- vides hope.

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