Paper Fix (notes included)

While this essay is creative, you completely neglected to discuss the political situation in

Egypt. In face, you don’t even mention Rome, Julius Caesar or Marc Antony. You need to

discuss Cleopatra’s relationship with Rome and those rulers.

Please see my comments​.

My name is Nour. I was born and raised in Alexandria, Egypt. We lived in a small

mudbrick home and lived comfortably. We were not rich but we were not poor. My parents

would both clean homes for a living, ​[This is a comma splice.]​ ​when i ​[This is a proper noun.]

say homes, I mean the homes we could not afford, the royal homes. I was an only child so I

would have to tag along with my mother. I enjoyed coming to work with her because I did not

get to spend much time with her since both my parents worked.

It was the year 77 B.C. I would always come to this one particular house with my mother.

It was beautiful and huge. I loved coming here because I would sit and imagine that this was my

home. There was a girl around my same age who lived here. Her name was Cleopatra. She was

beautiful in my eyes. While my mom cleaned her home, she would signal for me to come and

follow her, so I did. We would talk about many things. She would share her food with me and let

me play dress up in her clothes. ​[What kind of food?]​ Her clothes weren’t clothes that my

parents could afford so I enjoyed the time I was able to wear them. [​What kind of clothes did

she wear? What kind of clothes did poor people where at the time in Egypt?]

She would tell me things about how hard her life was because it was not easy living in a

royal family but all I could think to myself was “How lucky is she? She lives in this huge home,

has people who cater to her, how can she not be happy?” Little did I know, her life was harder

than I imagined. Cleopatra and her siblings would fight over who was going to take the royal

throne after their father passes. [​This needs to be past tense.]​ ​Cleopatra and I became really

good friends. Sometimes I would wander away from home just to meet her. She was not allowed

to come out of the gates of her home so we would sit and talk through the gates.

I considered her my best friend. I was stunned when one day she told me I was her best

friend as well. Years went by and my mom would still clean their home and I would still sneak

away to spend time with her. The kids back where I lived would tell me that Cleopatra was not a

nice person but I would tell them that it isn’t true. The things they would say about her were not

nice. They would tell me not to trust her but she was my best friend. I would go back and tell her

the awful things the kids would tell me but she would just tell me that they were jealous of her.

Cleopatra and I were spending time outside near the gate when she told me horrible news.

She told me that her father had passed away and she was the one next in line to take the throne. I

was shocked, she did not shed a tear as she was sharing the news. She simply brushed off her

father’s death as if it were not a big deal. I thought to myself, “How come she is not crying?” “Is

she not sad about her father’s death?” Cleopatra had lost her mother when she was younger and

never spoke about it. Now she had lost her father and did not shed a tear.

She was right, ​[This is a comma splice.] ​she took the throne of her father. Cleopatra was

only 18 years old when she took the throne. She was smart, powerful, a great leader as I can say.

With her taking the throne, we did not get to see each other as much. She was too busy with

other stuff that our times together were cut short. Days I would wait for her by the gate and

sometimes she would not show up. I was sure I lost my best friend. ​[What did she do during

her reign?]

One day, my mother was very sick and asked me if I could take her place to clean the

home of Cleopatra’s. I did not want to go because I had not spoken to her for a long time but I

know my mother needed the help, so I agreed. I went to go do my duties and clean her home and

as I did, I heard her voice. I poked my head out from the bathroom and saw Cleopatra talking to

her brother, Ptolemy kiss! I was in disbelief, I began to clean the bathroom again hoping that no

one saw me. Due to my surprise, Cleopatra came in and said hello to me, and then walked away.

I was no longer her friend, I was just someone who was cleaning her home.

I spoke to some of the kids from near my home, and they also begin to share the news

with me, that Cleopatra had married her brother. It all made sense to me now, when I saw them

both kiss. The girl that I had once knew was no longer the same person anymore. ​[Siblings

marrying was not unusual in Egypt at this time.] ​I decided to no longer look for her and hope to

eventually forget her. I was hurt because we were once so close and sadly drifted apart.

Within time, I would hear different news about Cleopatra. How her and her brother were

no longer together. She eventually married her second brother. That marriage did not last as she

married another man. ​[Who?]​ ​She had children now too, as so did I. I always imagined our kids

growing up together being the best of friends but life does not work out the way we think it will.

Although, I had now come to the realization that Cleopatra was not a good friend. She

was a great leader for our country. She proved that she was as strong as any other male leader

during her time. She made Egypt phosphorus [​Wrong word]​ ​with our riches supplied by the

Nile. ​[Can you provide some examples?]​ ​She built up the Egyptian economy and also

established trade with different Arab nations. ​[Which ones? Weren’t these nations part of the

Roman Empire?]

Cleopatra died August 30th B.C. She was 39 years old when she committed suicide. She

allowed an Egyptian cobra to bite her. ​[Why?]

Growing up Cleopatra and I were the best of friends, and although, people would not talk

good about her, I considered her a very good friend. The time that I did get to spend with her, I

enjoyed it. Friends grow apart and we did, but I’ll cherish the great memories we did share

together.

Work Cited

“Cleopatra's Childhood.” ​Cleopatra,The Last Pharaoh​, cleopatrawebquest.weebly.com/cleopatras-childhood.html.

“Cleopatra Vii Biography.” ​Encyclopedia of World Biography​, www.notablebiographies.com/Ch-Co/Cleopatra-VII.html.

“Leadership Traits.” ​CLEOPATRA​, karlavargascleopatra.weebly.com/leadership-traits.html.

“Ancient Egypt.” ​Ducksters Educational Site​, www.dcksters.com/history/ancient_egypt/cleopatra_vii.php.