Psychology 4-MAT Assignment: Deal Review Assignment

Papernow: Chapter 5-6

Papernow, P. L. (2013). Surviving and Thriving in Stepfamily Relationships. Taylor & Francis.  https://mbsdirect.vitalsource.com/books/9781136701542

Chapter 5 The Third Challenge

Parenting Tasks Polarize the Adults

DOI: 10.4324/9780203813645-5

Parenting brings a unique set of challenges in stepfamilies. Stepfamily structure can polarize stepparents and parents around parenting tasks, potentially pulling stepcouples into repetitive cycles of intensifying conflict with each other. While some of what we know about parenting in first-time families applies here, understanding the differences between stepfamilies and first-time families, and between stepparenting and parenting, is critical to meeting this challenge.

The Challenge

Understanding Parenting Styles

This handy chart puts the challenge into clear visual form. Adapted from the work of Daniel Amen, it describes parenting as ranging from loving to hostile, and from firm to permissive, creating four parenting styles. Three of these four, which I have superimposed in capital letters, align perfectly with a large body of parenting research by Diana Baumrind and her colleagues.1

Authoritative parenting is both loving and firm. (“I know it's hard for you that John is here. You do need to be civil and respectful to him.”)

Authoritative parents are warm, empathic, and caring. They also set developmentally realistic behavioral expectations, and they supervise their children's activities, while honoring their children's emotional autonomy. Authoritative parents operate primarily in optimal arousal (see Figure 2.1, page 15). A massive amount of empirical data firmly establishes that parenting in this upper left, authoritative, quadrant is the best predictor of better outcomes for children on every measure imaginable, and in all family forms (never-divorced, single-parent, stepfamily). Authoritative parenting is linked with higher rates of emotional wellbeing, more prosocial behavior, better academic performance, lower rates of depression and acting out. Authoritative parenting also supports more resilient adjustment to stressful events (Pruett & Pruett, 2009), including divorce and remarriage (Ganong & Coleman, 2004).2 3

Authoritarian parenting is firm but not loving (“Do it because I said so.”)

Authoritarian parenting gives children too little regulating emotional connection. Control is rigid and coercive, rather than responsive and respectful. Authoritarian parents may operate in intense hyperarousal, or in cold hypoarousal. Expectations of children are often developmentally or emotionally unrealistic. All too often, the message is delivered with too much force and not enough caring. Rather than calm behavioral description (“Oops, you left your towel on the floor”), shameful labeling is common (i.e., “lazy,” “stupid,” “manipulative”). Stepparents sometimes advocate for more authoritarian (firmer, less loving) parenting by their partners. However, authoritarian parenting is linked to lower scores for children in stepfamilies on, among other things, emotional wellbeing, academic performance, and social competence (Hetherington & Clingempeel, 1992).

Permissive parenting is caring and warm but not firm enough (“Anything you do is fine with me, Dear.”)

Although permissive parenting is often very loving, it makes too few developmentally appropriate demands for responsibility and maturity. Parenting in this lower left quadrant does not ask enough of children, and does not provide sufficient supervision, monitoring, and guidance.4

Unpredictable parenting is extremely disregulating for children

Parenting in the lower right “unpredictable” quadrant swings between disengaged hypoarousal and ineffective hyperarousal. Unpredictable parenting is extremely disregulating for children.

Indifferent or disengaged parenting leaves children much too alone

Baumrind adds another dimension that does not fit neatly into this chart: disengaged or indifferent parenting. Disengaged parents provide neither warmth nor discipline. They operate primarily in hypoarousal. Even when they are physically present, they remain emotionally absent. We usually think of trauma as the result of intrusive, aggressive abuse. However, very disengaged parenting is actually the most powerful predictor of dissociation in young adults (Dutra, Bureau, Holmes, Lyubchik, & Lyons-Ruth, 2009).

Stepparents and Parents Experience Children Differently

Parents and stepparents come to issues about children from very different perspectives. Parents know their children's vulnerabilities and strengths. They know the historical context behind provocative behavior. Even when their children are upsetting, parents, unlike stepparents, can draw upon a long-term foundation of attachment to help reset their own emotional temperature. Parents and children also share understandings about “how we do things.” The research adds that post-divorce parenting becomes less authoritative, often slipping into the permissive (lower left), or unpredictable (lower right) corner of the chart in Figure 5.1 (Hetherington & Jodl, 1994; Kurdek & Fine, 1993).

Figure 5.1 Parenting Styles.

Adapted from Daniel G. Amen, M.D. (2000), New Skills for Frazzled Parents, p. 19. Used with permission.

Stepparents, on the other hand, do not begin with a longstanding heart connection with their stepchildren. Children's persistent needs for parental attention feel more intrusive to most stepparents than they do to parents. Stepparents and their stepchildren do not share definitions of acceptable levels of neatness, politeness, spending, etc. Stepparents cook, do the laundry, mow the lawn, chauffeur, and provide financial support for their stepchildren. Children who are struggling with their own adjustment can often give little affection or appreciation in return.

Stepmothers are especially likely to be stuck with the drudge work of mothering but with few of the rewards of being a mother. All of this makes kids’ ordinary levels of messiness, noise, and impulsivity more irritating for stepparents than for parents.

Barring sainthood, the stepparent role can be taxing for both men and women. Stepparents need the empathic support of their partners, especially when they are receiving very little affection or appreciation from their stepchildren. However, parents do not feel, and often do not even see, the same rejection that stepparents do. Parents all too often respond to even the most skillful request for sympathy with, “Why are you making such a big deal!” Or, “Just reach out!” leaving stepparents feeling even more frustrated and alone.

Stepfamily Structure Polarizes the Adults

P arents and Stepparents Are Pulled to Opposite Corners

The stage is set for parents and stepparents to find themselves in opposite corners of the parenting chart in Figure 5.1. Stepparents, longing for more order and control, are easily pulled toward the upper right quadrant–“hostile and firm” authoritarian parenting. In response to stepparents’ demands, protective parents sometimes move even further into permissiveness.

In its gentler form, parents and stepparents simply see things differently. Stepparents want more structure and clearer boundaries. They would like parents to ask more of their children. Parents want their own children to feel loved and supported and they have more information about what is realistic to ask of their kids. Collaborative dialogue about these two viewpoints can lead to good, authoritative parenting.

However, these are not easy conversations for stepcouples. What looks like “back talk” to a stepparent is “a lively conversation” to a parent. A stepparent sees children at a family gathering as “wild and undisciplined.” The parent sees the same behavior as “excited to see their cousins.” What the stepparent characterizes as “giving in,” the parent sees as “being flexible” or “not making a mountain out of a mole hill.” Even when parents feel like they are working hard to ask more of their children, stepparents may still feel overwhelmed and irritated. Stepparents conclude, “You never listen to me!” Parents respond, “But I have! I really am trying!” As Mona Heller said, “Norman and I got along so well from the first moment we met. Except around the subject of kids. It took us a while before we could do that one well together!”

When things go badly, stepparents become increasingly entrenched in the upper right authoritarian corner and parents dig ever more deeply into the lower left permissive corner. I call this the “polarization polka.” Kevin Anderson and Claire Abbot are caught in its clutches. (The Abbott/Anderson genogram is on page 3.)

Kevin and Claire Do the Polarization Polka

Kevin Anderson's 13-year-old daughter Kendra has made cocoa for herself and her sister. Claire, entering the kitchen to make dinner, finds brown powder on the floor, sticky chocolate goo in the microwave, and dirty cups in the sink. She gripes to Kevin, “Can't your children ever clean up after themselves!”

The very same mess that is so offensive for Claire is no big deal for Kevin. He counters defensively, “Relax!” Despite her brusque tone, Claire had been hoping for some support from her husband. Disappointed by his unsympathetic response, she shoots back, “You never listen to me!” Kevin, his emotional temperature rising, swings a little harder, “You’re never satisfied!” Fully into the polka now, Claire shouts back, “Why should I be? Your kids are slobs and you don't care!” The argument continues for a few more painful predictable rounds. Finally, Kevin throws up his hands and retreats to the television, leaving Claire feeling even more abandoned, and both of them depressed and miserable.

Kevin and Claire have been swept into yet another round of the polarization polka. At its most wretched, repetitive reinforcing sequences gouge progressively deep ruts in stepcouple relationships. As polarized positions become ever more extreme, parents abandon the firm, more demanding aspects of their parenting. Stepparents exile their caring empathic parts. Children are all too often left with neither warm connection nor consistent supervision.

Life Stage Differences Can Add to the Challenge

It is not uncommon for the two adults in a stepcouple to be in different stages of parenting. This can add another layer to the challenge. Below, a mom with three successfully launched young adult children, finds herself parenting her husband's adolescent daughter.

I loved being a mom. But I’m done! I adore my husband. I care about his daughter. But I really don't want to parent his kid. I certainly don't want to pick up after her. I trained my kids to put their stuff away, help make meals, and do the dishes. His daughter just sits there. She leaves her things everywhere. I catch my husband washing the dishes so I won't be mad, instead of asking his daughter to pitch in. That somehow makes me more upset. I end up feeling like such a hard ass!

What the Research Says about Parenting in a Stepfamily

The research in this area is rich and complex.5 This section summarizes some of the key findings. You will find lots more of the details in the Endnotes section.

Stepparenting and Parenting Are Different: The Challenge of Becoming a Stepparent

Predictably, researchers find that stepparenting is generally harder and less satisfying than parenting (Afifi, 2008; Stewart, 2007). Stepmother–stepchild relationships, especially with stepdaughters, are more challenging than stepfather–stepchild relationships (Ahrons, 2007; Brand, Clingempeel, & Brown-Woodward, 1988; Nielson, 1999; Weaver & Coleman, 2005). Part-time step-mothering may be more problematic than full-time (Ambert, 1986). Loyalty binds seem to be especially tight for children and their stepmothers (Hetherington & Stanley-Hagan, 1994), which would only increase the amount of distancing behavior and apparent resistance that stepmothers experience.

Especially in the early stages, an active disciplinary role by stepparents is clearly linked to negative outcomes, including greater resistance and poorer wellbeing for children (Ganong & Coleman, 2004).6 Even authoritative parenting, if begun too early by a stepparent, can backfire (Hetherington & Kelly 2002). The research makes it abundantly clear that the authoritarian parenting style that comes all too easily to stepparents proves most toxic to stepparent–stepchild relationships.7 Both stepparent-stepchild relationships and child adjustment are most positive when stepparents, rather than disciplining, support the disciplinary practices of the parent (Bray, 1999a).

Meanwhile, a range of “affinity-maintaining” behaviors (Ganong, Coleman, & Jamison, 2011) build successful stepparent–stepchild relationships: active listening, open and flexible communication, using constructive conflict management skills, offering praise, expressing empathy, and other non-intrusive, caring behaviors.8

Stepparent-Stepchild Relationships Change Over Time

Like everything else in stepfamilies, time makes a difference. Over time, stepparents who first establish a warm, caring relationship can slowly move into an authoritative (not authoritarian) parenting role with very positive results (Hetherington, Bridges, & Insabella, 1998). The time involved is not days or months, but at least a couple of years (Bray, 1999a).9

Whether or not stepparents assume an authoritative disciplinary role, all of the family scholarship cited here finds that when stepparents slowly build trust and affection, stepparent–stepchild relationships not only improve, but can become very close and satisfying. Furthermore, caring stepparent–stepchild relationships are associated with better child outcomes for both girls and boys (King, 2006; White & Gilbreth, 2001).

Authoritative Parenting Is Key

For many years, both clinicians and researchers focused primarily on the obviously problematic stepparent–stepchild relationships in stepfamilies, as if parent–child relationships could be taken for granted. Nothing could be further from the truth. As we saw in Chapter 4, becoming a stepfamily puts parent-child relationships at risk. Substantial research indicates that it is not the simple fact of living in a stepfamily that accounts for the slightly more negative outcomes for stepchildren. Compromised parent–child relationships are a key contributor.10 Conversely, when parents in stepfamilies maintain high warmth and flexible control, they have happier, healthier children.11 The good news is that both mother–child and residential father–child relationships in stepfamilies become progressively better with time (Hetherington, et al., 1998).12 13

Stepparent–Stepchild Relationships Are Key

Several decades of research affirms the central role of positive stepparent–stepchild relationships in stepfamily satisfaction.14 As Hetherington and Kelly put it,

In first marriages, a satisfying marital relationship is the cornerstone of happy family life, leading to more positive parent–child relationships and more congenial sibling relationships. In many stepfamilies, the sequence is reversed. Establishing some kind of workable relationship between stepparents and stepchildren … may be the key to a happy second marriage and to successful functioning in stepfamilies.

(Hetherington & Kelly, 2002, p. 181)

Forming a Team Around Parenting Tasks

Forming a viable coalition around parenting is a key task for stepcouple satisfaction (Bray & Kelly, 1998). Managing parenthood well is hard enough for first-time couples.15 In stepfamilies, as we have seen, the challenge can be formidable. Although conflict levels in first-time couples and stepcouples are similar, first-time couples fight primarily over money. Stepcouples fight primarily over children and parenting (Hetherington, 1999a; Stanley, et al., 2002).16

Adult-Child Relationships Are Multi-Directional

Parents respond to more socially competent adolescents with increasingly positive parenting. Likewise, longitudinal research establishes that negative behaviors in stepchildren lead to more negative behaviors in stepdads (Hetherington, 1993). It also appears that when parent–child relationships have been more positive, subsequent stepparent–stepchild relationships are more likely to be positive (King, 2009).17

(Very) Easy Wrong Turns

Stepparents Move Too Quickly into Disciplinary Roles

This is the primary wrong turn for stepcouples. It happens by a number of pathways.

The united front backfires

Stepfamily internet sites commonly counsel stepcouples to “form a united front.” However, this advice is usually accompanied by the exhortation for parents to back up their stepparent partners in disciplinary matters with children. This seemingly reasonable recommendation places stepparents in a premature disciplinary role, which is a recipe for distress and disappointment all around.

Dads put stepmoms in charge

Stepcouples are more egalitarian than first-time families (Hetherington, 1999a). Nonetheless, women in stepfamilies still do the bulk of childcare and household work (Demo & Acock, 1993). Dads with demanding work lives may be especially accustomed to expecting their wives to “handle the home front.” This arrangement leaves stepmothers, whose relationships with stepchildren are often tenuous at best, to buy school clothes, decorate a stepchild's room, organize holidays, and plan birthday parties. It easily thrusts them into an unworkable premature disciplinary role with resistant and even hostile stepchildren.

Buffeted by a toxic mix of frustration and anxiety, and haunted by a lurking sense of inadequacy, stepmothers can find themselves propelled toward increasingly desperate and ever more ineffective behavior. Especially early in stepfamily life, dads need to remain fully engaged, freeing stepmothers to spend their energy getting to know their stepchildren.

Stepdads expect to be disciplinarians

The expectation that men will take charge can create an extra push toward authoritarian parenting for stepfathers. Moms, tired of single-parenting, or simply wanting to support their new partners, may go along with their partners’ coercive discipline. Children's inevitable resistance provokes ever more harsh demands from stepdad, with unhappy results for all.

“Somebody's got to do it”

Stepparents are often confronted with stepchildren who appear too messy, insufficiently organized, or ill-mannered. When it seems that parents “aren't doing the job,” the compulsion to step in and “make things right” can be very strong. The refrain I often hear is, “Somebody's got to do it!” Because this declaration puts stepparents in an unworkable position, it is almost always delivered with considerable frustration and gnashing of teeth.

The Other Direction: Withdrawal

Stepparents do need breaks. However, dismissive stepchildren and conflict over parenting can turn withdrawal from a temporary rest stop into the path of least resistance. Cultural norms still put less pressure for parenting on men than on women. Stepfathers are especially likely to become progressively less involved with their stepchildren over the first two years (Bray & Kelly, 1998; White & Gilbreth, 2001).

Interestingly, stepcouple satisfaction is higher when stepfathers maintain some distance from stepchildren early in stepfamily life (within the first six months). However, two years later, marital adjustment is better when stepfathers have formed close relationships with their stepchildren (Bray & Berger, 1993).

Stepcouples Meet in the Wrong (Lower Right) Corner

Stepfamily structure can pull stepcouples to meet, not in the upper left “authoritative” corner, but in the lower right “unpredictable” quadrant: stepparents hold their tongues for as long as they can. Then, yet again, a stepchild tracks mud on a clean kitchen floor, or leaves a tool rusting outdoors, and the stepparent boils over. Likewise, moms and dads defend their kids until yet another complaint from an unhappy stepparent provokes an angry parental outburst at the child whose behavior is rocking the boat: “Why in the world can't you clean up after yourself!”

The Brady Bunch Meets Snow White: Expecting Stepparents to Love Like Parents

In the past decade, the general public has become much more aware that quick and easy stepparent–child relationships are more myth than reality. Nevertheless, many stepparents enter their new relationships expecting to truly care about their new partner's kids, and they yearn for their caring to be returned. Parents naturally want their children to be cherished by their new partners. Both parents and stepparents may hope that the stepparent will be a better (more loving, more organized, more reliable) parent than the ex-spouse, and that the children will be grateful.

These wishes to love and be loved, and the wish for intimate others to love and care for our loved ones, are deeply embedded in who we are as humans. However, when stepcouples hold these wishes as hard “shoulds,” the results can be extremely debilitating. Vivian and Hank Kramer have been married for three years. They have a child together, Holly (two). Vivian also has two children from her first marriage, Vince (five) and Vicky (six). Hank is the father of Heather (18).

I Thought I Would Finally Have a Father for My Kids

Vivian says to her best friend, “I thought when I got married I would finally have a father for my kids. But Hank is definitely more distant with Vince and Vicky than he is with Holly”. Hank, meanwhile, is sitting with his family physician saying, “I feel like I just can't measure up,” and asking for medication for his anxiety.

S tories of Stepcouples Meeting the Parenting Challenge

Relinquishing Fantasy for Reality

Beginning stepfamily life with realistic expectations helps immensely. Even without a good map of the territory, some stepcouples encounter obstacles and adjust their course. Vivian and Hank needed some help to begin their grieving process.

Vivian and Hank Begin Trading Shoulds for Wishes

“I don't know what's wrong,” Vivian said to me. “Hank just doesn't act like a dad to my kids.” Hank quickly objected, “What do you mean! I do, too!” “You do not!” argued Vivian. “You get so much angrier with Vicky and Vince than you do with Holly. “That's because Vicky is older,” Hank countered.

Interrupting what I guessed was an all too familiar conversation, I said to Hank: “You so want to be a good dad to all of these kids.” Looking at Vivian, I said, “Wanting your children to be well loved is so understandable.” I left some silence. “It turns out, though, that stepparents and parents start from really different places.” I added a couple more sentences, aware that this news might be enormously disappointing for Vivian. “Hard to hear?” I asked her. She sighed heavily.

With a little less force and a bit more sadness, Vivian said, “My first husband left just after our son was born.” Her wish to have a father for her kids made so much sense. I hoped that facing this loss with Vivian would help her begin the shift from straining for the impossible to grieving the reality of step relationships. “Sad, huh,” I said, “that there's always that difference. So sad.” She looked up. “Sad,” she repeated. For perhaps the first time in the session, she looked directly at Hank, but he did not meet her eyes.

Wondering if Hank might still be caught in his own guilt and shame, I shared something I have learned from other stepfathers. “Sometimes when you have your own new baby, something happens. It's like a guy's heart just flies open. Even though you already have a daughter, it can be so surprising. Any chance that happened with you?” Hank looked startled. Haltingly, he talked about holding Holly for the first time. He described his agony over the discrepancy between his wholehearted love for her and his more tempered feelings as a stepdad. He recounted his redoubled, but constantly failing, efforts to love his stepchildren with that same passion. I said, “Feeling like you aren't measuring up makes most people very tense. My hunch is all that effort has actually made it easier to lose your temper! Does that make any sense to you?” “Boy that sounds right,” he said.

Vivian was staring at the floor, but she looked touched. “I wonder,” I said, “if you could just look at each other. What do you see?” Vivian looked up at Hank. She said, almost tenderly, “I see sadness. And caring.” Hank took a deep long breath. “Your eyes have been so hard,” he said. “They look softer!” “I guess I didn't see that you were hurting, too,” Vivian said. “I’m sorry,” Hank said to her, now holding her gaze fully.

“You’ve both been struggling so hard against this reality that stepparents and parents are different,” I said. “I think maybe it has left you both very alone.” We sat quietly for a moment. There was lots more to do, but we had made a beginning.

Forging a Successful Stepcouple Parenting Coalition

Couples typically anticipate that it won't be difficult to communicate regularly about … child-related decisions … It sounds simple enough. But in reality it is hard to imagine a more difficult family task: to establish patterns of behavior that will meet the needs of each family member, regardless of the child's age, each parent's individual history, or the state of the marriage.

his statement about parenting in first-time families is even more true in stepfamilies. Stepcouples who meet the challenge find a way to engage over parenting issues with more of a collaborative cha-cha than a destructive polarization polka. Sandy Danforth and Eric Emery learned to do just that. (Genogram on page 5.)

Eric Helps Sandy Take On “the Two B's”: Bellowing and Bedtime

Sandy begins, “When Eric and I started living together, Sabina was nine. She regularly threw massive temper tantrums when she didn't get her way. I was used to it.” Eric continues, “My daughter is so well-behaved. I wasn't used to a kid who screams and yells like that! Sandy kept telling me, ‘Sabina just has big feelings.’ I finally got that Sabina wasn't ever going to be a quiet kid like Elyssa. But I still thought she could use some better brakes and a steering wheel!”

“I was defensive at first,” Sandy said. “But I could feel that Eric really wanted the best for me and for Sabina. He was mostly so sweet and steady about it. He’d say, ‘That was a whopper. OK if we talk about it?’ Eric convinced me that Sabina was old enough to talk to me, not holler at me, when she was upset. I also got that I was avoiding the struggle with Sabina over bedtime by just letting her go to bed on her own, and it was not working.”

Eric adds, “Here's a really emotional kid who wasn't getting enough sleep. That didn't seem like a great combo to me! Besides, no bedtime for Sabina meant no alone time for Sandy and me. I told Sandy I could manage a lot of the tough parts, but I really needed some time at night that was ours.”

“So,” said Sandy, “We agreed to start with what we called the Two B's: Bellowing and Bedtime. We both knew that I had to do this with Sabina, not Eric. I can be sort of an accommodator, so it was pretty hard for me. Eric wasn't always pleased, but he stayed pretty supportive. By golly, I survived giving Sabina a firm bedtime. She's still a kid with big feelings. But little by little, she has learned how to calm herself down and use her words instead of throwing those awful tantrums.”

Reversed Corners Make the Parenting Challenge Easier

Occasionally it is the stepparent who occupies the warmer end of the parenting continuum, and the parent who sits in the more controlling, authoritarian parenting corner. This reversal places stepparents in a position to advocate for their stepchildren, and makes the parenting challenge considerably easier. Here is Mona Heller. (The Heller genogram is on page 47.)

Mona Helps Norman Ease Up on His Kids

When we first got together, Norman would punish his children constantly for everything from what he called “back talk” (and I called “talking”) to being even a couple of minutes late. From the beginning, I didn't let him discipline my children. But I couldn't stand watching him with his kids. I started saying, “You’re hurting them! Can't you see their faces when you yell at them?” At first Norman resisted. “That's the way I was parented,” he would say, “and I came out just fine.” “Right,” I’d remind him, “you had a naval officer for a father. He expected you to obey orders and keep your room neat as a pin and he made you do pushups. But look at what an anxious wreck it made you!”

Norman picks up the story. “Mona would say things like, ‘Your kids aren't soldiers. They’re kids. Ask them nicely. Use a kind voice. You could even crack a smile.’ She made a big difference to them and to me. My kids knew Mona was sticking up for them. That was definitely part of my kids opening up to Mona much faster than her kids opened up to me.”

Meeting the Challenge of Being a Parent in a Stepfamily

For Mona, sticking up for her stepkids was actually the easy part. Mona and Norman's very different expectations about disciplining her own children proved extremely challenging. Parents who meet the challenge must find a way to be both “best partner” and “best parent” (Rodwell, 2002).

Shuttle Diplomacy to the Max

My daughters were driving Norman absolutely crazy. I tried to let Norman know that I knew how uncomfortable he was, and that I cared that he was so miserable. But I told him that it was important to me to raise lively wholehearted young women. I told him that I couldn't solve the problem by “cracking down on them” like he wanted me to.

I told Maddie and Molly I wanted them to feel safe and secure in being themselves, but that our energy level was awfully hard for Norman and his kids. We worked on at least toning it down at the dinner table. For at least that first year, it was shuttle diplomacy to the max and we each spent a lot of time separately with our own kids.

Becoming a Stepparent Is a Joint Effort

Both parents and stepparents contribute to positive stepparent–stepchild relationships. Below, a stepmother's tender-heartedness, her husband's loving support, and a stepdaughter's readiness all played a part in creating a major turning point between Sandy Danforth and her adolescent stepdaughter, Elyssa. (Genogram is on page 5.)

Stepparent-Stepchild Relationships Are Not a Given, but They Can Be a “Gotten”

Several years down the road, Sandy continued to occupy a firmly stuck outsider position with her stepdaughter. “I was seven months pregnant with Luke and definitely what they call ‘labile.’ I’d be laughing and giddy one minute, and crying the next. On Valentine's Day, Elyssa made a beautiful card for her mom. As usual, zilch for me. Sometimes these things didn't matter. This time, it really got to me. So there I was at 2 a.m., sitting in front of our wood stove, blubbering. I looked up and there was Elyssa. She was still mostly barely even looking at me then. But there she was in her PJs, asking me what was wrong.”

“A voice inside me was screaming, ‘Well what do you THINK is wrong!!’ But, even in my state, I knew this was special and that I had to find a way to be gentle. I’d spent an hour crying in Eric's arms, so even though I was hurting, I was feeling well-loved. I took a deep breath, the best I could with the baby in there. I managed to say, ‘Well, actually, the grown-up me gets that you made a beautiful card for your mom and not for me, cuz she's your mommy and I’m not! But I guess I have a little girl in me who got kinda hurt.’”

“To my amazement, my silent sulky stepdaughter sat down next to me and said, ‘I didn't mean to hurt you.’ I was so touched. I sat there for a moment. I didn't want to mess it up. I decided to take a chance. I reached over and took her hand. She let me! We just sat there. I kept my mouth shut, for once.”

“That night I finally got that Elyssa needs some quiet in order to find her voice. All of a sudden she started talking. She started telling me how she had feelings a lot like mine. ‘When Sabina sits in my dad's lap, it hurts. Then I feel like a selfish person. So I just go upstairs.’ I started toward my knee jerk, ‘But your Daddy loves you!’ Thank goodness I bit my tongue. ‘Besides,’ she said, ‘It takes my words a really long time to come. Then it's too late.’” Sandy continued, “I had been so busy feeling rejected by Elyssa that I hadn't really thought about how hard it was for her. I told her that. Then, most amazing, she told me that she was worried that I would care more about the baby than her. I was stunned. I had no idea that I mattered to her!”

“After that, I really worked on being with Elyssa without my usual jabbering. I started doing more things alone with her, without Sabina. It was awkward sometimes. But that was the beginning of it getting better between us.”

Stepparent–stepchild relationships are usually not a given. However, with patience, a partner's support, some flexibility, and a child's readiness, even very distant stepparents and stepchildren can sometimes find their way to each other.

Best Practices: Key Strategies for Building a Viable Parenting Coalition

General Guidelines

Assess parenting practices (Don't assume)

Listen for both parental empathy and warmth and for realistic behavioral expectations. If children are struggling, are stepparents moving too quickly into a disciplinary role. Remember that a stepcouple's assessment of each other's parenting may not be accurate. When stepparents complain of lax, permissive, “wimpy” parenting, ask for stories (“Then what did you/he/she do?”). Sometimes, a stepparent mistakes empathic responsiveness for permissiveness. Likewise, what a parent sees as “too demanding” is sometimes actually a call for authoritative firmness. Parenting styles can also vary with the issue. A parent may provide good authoritative parenting around homework but slip into permissiveness or helpless unpredictable explosions around alcohol use.

Reminder: Include adults in child-focused referrals

Parenting polarizations often generate child-focused referrals. Supporting stepchildren requires meeting with the adults. Sometimes the family will be best served by focusing entirely on the adults. (See the General Guidelines for working with children's challenges in Chapter 4, page 55.)

Level I Psychoeducation: Key Information about Parenting in a Stepfamily

G reater clarity about stepparent roles is linked to significantly higher satisfaction in both stepparent–stepchild and stepcouple relationships (Fine, Coleman, & Ganong, 1998). The clear implication is that psychoeducation about what works, and what doesn't, can significantly improve stepfamily wellbeing.

Parenting and Stepparenting Are Different: Use the Parenting Styles Chart to Visualize the Challenge

I keep the Parenting Styles chart on page 65 visible in my office. I use it to teach about authoritative, loving, and firm parenting and to normalize the polarity that stepfamily structure creates. Parents often, not always, need help moving “up” toward more firmness. Stepparents often, not always, need help moving “over” to more understanding and empathy.

Parents remain the disciplinarians

Especially in the early years, direct orders like “Clean up your room!” need to come from the parent, not the stepparent. Unless the child is ready, stepparents give input, out of children's earshot, to parents. Parents retain the power to make the best decision they can for their own children.

When parents are absent, stepparents enforce “the rules of the house”

When a parent leaves the house, stepparents do not function as another parent who sets their own rules. Rather, much the way an adult babysitter, aunt, or uncle would, they communicate the parent's expectations, or the “rules of the house.” “The rule is, no TV before homework.” Parents set the framework by saying, “Your stepfather is in charge while I am gone. You know the rules! Homework before TV. Bedtime is at 9:30. I’ll hear about it if there's any trouble.” Parents enforce the consequences, not stepparents.18

Over time stepparents can sometimes move into authoritative parenting

Especially with younger children, once a warm, trusting stepparent–stepchild relationship has been established, stepparents can sometimes slowly, over a period of at least a couple of years, move toward an authoritative disciplinary role with positive results. Children and stepparents can also form very satisfying relationships that do not include a disciplinary role.

Protect children from conflict

Parenting polarities are the primary source of conflict in stepcouples. When I hear of a tense interchange between parent and stepparent, I always ask if children were present.

Make a plan

I sometimes ask parents or stepcouples to create a list of critical areas of children's behavior. We go down the list and identify the corner of the Parenting Styles chart the parent is using. We celebrate any and all authoritative parenting. We then choose just one or two items, at the most, for improvement. We agree on a time when the stepparent and parent will check-in with each other. The parent says what was hardest, and what he or she felt good about. The stepparent's job at first is to note even the tiniest positive changes. He or she can then make one or two suggestions for improvement.

Watch the ratio of positive to negative exchanges with children

The challenges of stepfamily life pull parents into more irritable, less caring behavior. I often suggest that both parents and stepparents actually count the positive versus negative comments they make to their children. Children do best when positives far outweigh negatives. A reminder to parents from Chapter 4: Devote some moments in every day to caring connection with kids, with no nagging or criticism.

Tips for Stepparents

Connection before correction!

The research is clear. As my colleague Beverly Reifman says, “Relationships before rules.” The authoritarian (hostile and firm) corner of the Parenting Styles chart on page 65 is particularly toxic in stepparent–stepchild relationships.

Find shoulder-to-shoulder activities and shared interests

I encourage stepparents to find activities that they and their stepchildren both enjoy: a woodworking project, shopping together for a parent's holiday gift, or playing ball together. Activities that the parent is not interested in, or not good at, offer especially promising places to start. Teaming up (kindly) with a stepchild against his or her parent provides another channel for stepparent– stepchild bonding.

A teacher role can work well

Stepparents can share skills or knowledge that the child especially wants to learn (how to make a favorite dish, how to swim, etc.). Stepparents can also help with homework, if they can do so with patience and kindness. The teacher role can also be reversed, as a stepchild helps a stepparent solve a computer problem.

Stepparents function best as sounding boards, not as a saviors

Stepparents can play an important role in supporting their partner's parenting. Instead of direct discipline (“Don't talk back to your mother”), a stepparent can, calmly, out of the child's earshot, say to the parent, “I know Katie was upset, but I thought she was rude to you today. Was that an issue for you? I’d love to see her learn to express herself without calling you names. What do you think?”

“Monitoring” works better than disciplining

James Bray suggests that stepparents maintain awareness of children's activities and express their interest: “How was your basketball game?” “How was that math test?” Concerns are passed on to parents (Bray & Kelly, 1998) (i.e. “I think Kendra is really struggling with math”). Bray calls this “monitoring”. For kids who don't respond to questions, try statements: “That was a tough game.” “I hear you got a B on your math test. Good going.”

“Public Service Announcements” can be very useful

Engaging a child, especially an adolescent, in a two-way dialogue can be extremely frustrating. A calm, factual Public Service Announcement can be very useful. Unlike a dialogue, a PSA is complete when the message has been delivered. “Just so you know, I think we could both be a bit more civil. I’ll work hard on my part. I’d love to see you work on yours!”

Tolerate some back talk

Back talk is generally much harder for stepparents to watch than for parents to experience. As Ron Taffel points out, giving kids some freedom to disagree disrespectfully is actually essential in building adult authority. Otherwise the rules don't stick (Taffel, 2009, p. 27).

When a child says, “You’re not my father/mother”

I suggest to stepparents: First take a breath. If your emotional temperature remains high, take another breath. Stepparents can then say, “Yup! You’re right! You have a dad. I’m not about to take his place. Meanwhile, though, I am the adult in charge tonight. We both know that your mom's rule is no TV until your homework is done. I’d like to be able to tell her that's exactly what you did! Your choice!”

Encourage stepparents to take time-outs

Sitting on the sidelines while a stepchild does something that you find irritating or disrespectful is wearing for even the most patient stepparent. The resulting tension adds to the pull toward impatient controlling behavior. Releasing stepparents to withdraw to another part of the house and to spend time with friends provides less fuel for the fire.

Help stepparents to stay hopeful

Again, although love is not given between stepparent and stepchildren, it often can be gotten over time. While unyielding coerciveness can shut the door very quickly to stepparent–stepchild relationships, patience can pay off, even sometimes after many years.

Level II Interpersonal Skills That Meet the Parenting Challenge

P arenting education programs for first-time couples are not appropriate for stepcouples. On the other hand, stepfamily-specific training in parenting skills can significantly improve children's adjustment, reduce coerciveness, and decrease stepcouple conflict about parenting (Adler-Baeder & Higginbotham, 2010, 2011; Nicholson, et al., 2008; Whitton, et al., 2008). It needs to be a key component of working with stepcouples, and of stepfamily education programs.

Skills for Building a Stepcouple Coalition Around Parenting Tasks

Make the polarization polka the enemy, not the partner

Teach stepcouples to pull each other off the rocks: “Oops. We’re in it again. Let's take a break.” In my office, I use the Physiological Arousal Levels chart (see Figure 2.1 on page 15) to track the rise in physical tension and emotional temperature that signals escalation into a polarization polka. (“Any sense of where you are on this chart?”) Attend also to sudden drops in arousal level as they signal that the person is flooded and overwhelmed.

Shuttle diplomacy for parents

In the early years of a stepfamily, and sometimes for longer, parents must maintain two primary competing relationships. Their children need warmth and responsiveness. Simultaneously, their partners need support and compassion. Skillful shuttle diplomats empathize with the feelings on both sides without buying into negative characterizations. Kendra says to Kevin, “Claire is mean.” Kevin responds with, “It really hurts when she does that.” Claire says, “Kendra is ungrateful.” Kevin says, “It is really hard when you do so much for her and she doesn't respond.”

Self-soothing for stepparents

When a child's behavior is irritating, I encourage stepparents to take a breath or take a break until they can raise the issue constructively with their partners. If they blow up at a stepchild, my guideline is, calm yourself and go back and apologize. “I did it because you …” is not an apology. An apology is: “I blew up. That must have been scary. I am sorry. I will work on keeping my cool.” Adults are the regulating force for children, not vice versa.

It takes two

Most parents are extremely sensitive about their parenting and their children. Negative feedback must be delivered with tenderness and care. Stepparents who complain about their partners’ defensiveness may be delivering the news with more sharpness than parents can bear.

Likewise, being a stepparent is hard. A partner's understanding and affection helps immensely. When a stepparent appears to be heading directly for wicked stepparenthood, a parent's lack of empathy may be feeding the fires.

Teach Soft/Hard/Soft

Even in the face of adamant disagreement, “Soft/Hard/Soft” provides a way to initiate conversations about parenting issues with less likelihood of triggering a polarization polka. Here is an example. (“Soft” is in italics.) Claire trips over the kids’ soccer gear, yet again. “I know it doesn't bother you. But the stuff in the hallway is driving me nuts. Could you ask your kids to put away their soccer things? I really appreciate that you’ve been working on this with them. “ Not, “Didn't you teach your kids anything about cleaning up?” Chapter 15 has step-by-step directions and more examples.

Use “joining” to interrupt escalation

When parents and stepparents begin spiraling into polarized disagreement, I use the structure of “ joining” to slow the conversation down and open a channel of empathic connection. I insist on only one or two sentences at a time. At each round I help the listener really hear, “Can you tell her what you do understand about what she just said?” Again, Chapter 15 has more details about using joining.

Skills for Successful Stepparenting

Genuine interest and patience are key

Successful stepparents neither intrude nor do they permanently withdraw. They stay warm and flexible while allowing children to take the space and time that they need.

Stepparents can express concerns to stepchildren with “I messages”

Stepparents do not have to remain silent when they are unhappy with a child. However, “I messages” will be much more successful than issuing orders, dispensing labels, or delivering “you messages.” “It's very hard when you come into a room and don't say hello to me. You do not have to fall all over me. But I’d sure love it if you’d just say hello!” Not, “You will be respectful to an adult,” and especially not, “You are an ungrateful and rude child.”

Parenting Skills

Set calm clear limits

Effective discipline provides clear expectations. Consequences are delivered calmly, even caringly. Setting clear expectations is not synonymous with rigidity. In fact, good authoritative parenting is responsive to children's input. The second half of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen gives specific concrete descriptions of the firmer side of parenting (Faber & Mazlish, 1980/2012). See Chapter 4 for more about the empathic, attuned side of authoritative parenting.

Be specific

General admonishments are less effective than explicit, concrete requests. Replace, “Be respectful of your stepparent” with, “I would like you to say hello to Joe when he walks into the room. We both know that means look him in the eyes, not at his feet! I expect the same of him.”

Positive feedback works better than negative

Nagging children is less effective than offering low-key positive acknowledgement of success.19 This is a practice for both parents and stepparents. We are not talking about generalized hyperbole like, “You’re a wonderful girl!” Children prefer specific feedback. Pay special attention when a child does something that is hard or new for them–smiles at a stepparent, pitches in with clean-up, makes a request rather than sulking.20

Level III Family-Of-Origin Issues That Impact the Parenting Challenge

When stepparents or parents cannot shift

When either member of a stepcouple is stuck in a “wrong” corner of the parenting styles chart, I ask, “What was parenting like in the family you grew up in?” Children's “insubordination” is infinitely more unbearable for stepparents who come from families where children were expected to obey no matter what. Authoritarian parenting simply feels like the “right” response. These stepparents are especially likely to confuse the warm, responsive aspects of authoritative parenting with “coddling.” Likewise, a parent who grew up in a very permissive family, or a very controlling one, may see even very reasonable demands as “too harsh.”

Sometimes awareness does the trick. Sometimes more is needed

Sometimes education and awareness are sufficient. “Wow. You’ve got a double whammy here. Your spot in this stepfamily yanks you to this upper right corner. And, from where you came from, this feels normal!” That said, parenting brings all humans close to some of our most vulnerable, easily bruised places. When intense triggering does not ease, work at a deeper level will be needed. Chapter 16 has more about this level of work in stepfamilies.

Two Case Studies

A little more information about parenting and stepparenting, combined with some increased awareness, was enough to get Jody Jenkins and Duane King unstuck and on their way again. For Claire Abbott, stepping out of her side of the polarization polka required a journey inward to heal the traumatic childhood experiences that were heightening her reactivity.

Jody and Duane Return for “a Touch-Up”

About eight months after our first round of meetings, Jody Jenkins called again. “I think we need a touch up,” she said. Duane began, “Jody does everything for Jenna. By her age, I was doing my own laundry.” “That's extreme!” Jody objected firmly, but, I noticed, without hostility. “But, Jody,” Duane said earnestly, “you wait on her hand and foot!” “She's my girl!” Jody exclaimed. “I like taking care of her!” Duane looked a little exasperated. “But, Jody, moms aren't cleaning ladies for their kids! I really think Jenna can do much more for herself.” Their tone with each other was friendly, but the tension was rising.

I made a time-out sign and pointed to the Arousal Levels chart (page 15) that is always visible in my office. “Any sense of where you are?” “Going up!” Duane acknowledged cheerfully. Jody joined in with a giggle. I loved that they so easily accessed their playfulness, and I shared that with them.

I picked up my Parenting Styles chart. “It turns out you are both right.” They immediately recognized their beginning polarization polka. A question about parenting in their families of origin revealed that both Duane and Jody had grown up in rigidly authoritarian households. However, they had responded in opposite ways. Jody's somewhat permissive parenting grew out of a solemn promise to herself to “never ever” treat a child of hers so callously. Duane had simply accepted “being strict” as the norm.

With a little input from me, they agreed upon a few realistic expectations for a ten-year-old, like asking her to help clear the dinner table. I reminded them both that this new behavior would require (calm) reminders. Duane said to Jody, “Think you can do it, Honey?” “I might need a prompt or two,” said Jody. “Nicely!” she added. “Got it!” said Duane. They were on their way again.

Claire Begins Changing Her Part of the Polarization Polka

Claire Abbott arrived at an individual session feeling very low. She and Kevin had tangled rather badly the previous evening over Kendra's kitchen mess. A copy of the Parenting Styles chart hung on their refrigerator door. In their better moments, one of them could catch the start of a polarization polka and call a time out. This was not one of their better moments. Kevin had begun exploring the lingering sense of inadequacy that made him especially sensitive to Claire's disappointment. It was time to interest Claire in her part of the dance. Claire, however, was bent on fuming about Kevin's wimpy parenting.

I made a somewhat feeble attempt to remind her that a child's mess is almost always more irritating to a stepparent than a parent. Predictably, she nodded quickly and hurtled back into her complaints. I tried again, this time trying to move toward the pain beneath the rant: “You are so wishing for Kevin to support you on this.” I saw the trace of a tear. “Something about all this puts you completely over the edge, doesn't it?” We sat quietly for a moment. “It's almost a sense of panic,” she offered thoughtfully.

The panic led us to a memory of herself as a little girl, watching helplessly as her older brother Randy destroyed one of her favorite dolls, and then played hockey with the doll's head. “Nothing of mine was sacred,” she said, disconsolately. “He wrecked everything. My parents were useless.” Stored with abject helplessness were the beliefs, “I’m invisible. I don't matter.” The occasional irritation I felt with Claire melted away as I grasped the painful fit between these childhood wounds and her outsider stepmother role. The hypervigilant parts of Claire that had originally stepped up to protect a little girl from ever again feeling so helpless and alone, were now re-creating exactly that with Kevin.

We revisited this little girl and others like her many times. Claire began learning to bring her own tender compassion to her experience as a child. As she did, the desperation and helplessness softened. The sense of “I don't matter” began to lift, replaced by a more grounded sense of entitlement. A more confident Claire began stepping out of her side of the polarization polka.

Conclusion to Chapter 5

Even couples in flourishing stepfamilies find themselves in opposing corners around parenting issues, with stepparents usually wanting more control, and parents advocating for more understanding and tolerance. Successful stepcouples find their way to handling these issues with more of a collaborative cha-cha and less of a polarization polka. Children thrive when stepparents concentrate on connection, not correction, and parents practice caring, responsive, and firm parenting. Stepparents can help parents to firm up, and parents can support stepparents through the hard moments. Over time (years, not months), with warmth and flexibility, and patience, stepparents can, and do, build strong, nourishing relationships with their stepchildren.

Chapter 6 The fourth Challenge

Creating a New Family Culture

DOI: 10.4324/9780203813645-6

What was once invisible and automatic becomes explicit and endlessly negotiated.

(Whiteside, 1988a, p. 286)

Imagine that you are my stepchild. You have already been through a deluge of changes you did not ask for. You grew up eating your tuna fish pure, unadulterated by “things”—no celery, no onions, and certainly no weird herbs. You like your tuna mixed with plenty of real mayonnaise on two slices of soft white bread. Not knowing this, I have made you a nice healthy Papernow tuna sandwich. I have chopped up two sticks of lovely crunchy celery and a bit of tasty parsley. Concerned that your tuna does not get lost in a sea of fatty goo, I have added just a dab of low fat mayo. I have put my creation on two pieces of toasted whole wheat bread.

You bite into my sandwich. What are the chances that you are going to say, “Thank you, Patricia, for introducing me to a new kind of tuna fish sandwich”? Much more likely, you will blurt, “Yuck!” Or, perhaps you will simply leave my carefully prepared masterpiece sitting uneaten on your plate.

A stepparent with no early history of feeling demeaned or unappreciated might be able to say, “Oops. Another one! I guess we just learned something about you and me and tuna fish sandwiches!” Knowing that this kind of “tuna fish moment” is a normal stepfamily event might also be very helpful. Still, how easy would it be for a harried stepmother to see this child as ungrateful and rude? Early stepfamily life involves myriads of moments like this. The glitches occur in the smallest details of family life when suddenly, as John and Emily Visher put it, “givens are not givens” (1979, p. 214).

Three decades of researchers and clinicians have firmly established that living well with this onslaught of differences while moving toward a sense of “family” constitutes one of the principle challenges for stepfamilies (Pasley & Lee, 2010).1 Having a map for the territory and some strategies for navigating it can help immensely.

The Challenge

Building a New Family Culture While Navigating a Sea of Differences

We all enter new relationships longing for that feeling of “home,” that “safe place,” as Maya Angelou says evocatively, “where we can go and not be questioned.”2 Especially in a new stepfamily, what feels like “home” to one part of the family can feel uncomfortable and upsetting to others. While many of us talk a good game about appreciating differences, the actual experience of colliding with intimate others over things we hold as “givens” does not feel like “home.” The term “blended family” is especially misleading here. In fact, becoming a stepfamily is less like blending cake ingredients until smooth, and much more like bringing together people from two different countries. Making a shared sense of “home” will require navigating a sea of differences. Creating something new together will involve a lot of getting to know each other.

Learning by Goofing

Like the sandwich with unexpected “things” in it, the “tuna fish moments” of early stepfamily life can occur at the most unanticipated moments, often in the context of activities that we fully expect to be comforting and uneventful. They may register as constant small jolts or, especially for the unprepared, major earthquakes. The range and number of these jarring moments can feel overwhelming.

Stepcouples are often exhorted to avoid this distinctly disregulating experience by talking about important issues up front and resolving them before they begin living together. Open discussion about bedtimes, money, discipline, hopes for the future, etc., can indeed resolve some issues and at least predict others. The snag in this good advice is that much of any group's middle ground forms without conscious awareness. Over time, even agreements originally forged from active negotiation can become so embedded in a family's assumptive world that they simply seem “obvious.” As a result, even things that matter a great deal may not get put into language until someone accidentally “violates” what another assumed was a “no brainer.” Part of this challenge, then, is that all too often conversation can only begin after someone “has done something objectionable” (Pasley & Lee, 2010, p. 241), and everyone has recovered from the resulting spike in emotional temperature.

T he Challenge Unfolds in Three Areas of “Middle Ground”

It helps to divide this challenge into three somewhat distinct areas of middle ground.3 (1) “Everyday,” family-specific habits, rules, routines and shared preferences. (2) Holidays, life cycle celebrations and other major family rituals. (3) Middle ground that is rooted in longstanding ethnic, religious, or class heritage. Differing values about money, a major source of differences in both stepcouples and first-time couples, draw from all three areas of middle ground.

First-time couples also begin with differences in these three areas. However, as we saw in Chapter 2, they can begin the process of resolving them before children are born, and they have time to slowly build shared understanding as the family grows. Stepfamilies begin with firmly established middle ground between parents and children in all three areas. The sense of “how we do things” often extends to the ex-spouse, and to the wider kinship networks of parents, stepparents, and ex-spouses. It is not shared by the adult stepcouple, nor by stepparents and their stepchildren. Let's look at how this challenge unfolds in each of these three areas. In the next section we hear from a number of our families. A reminder that you will find them all listed alphabetically in the families chart on pages x through xi at the beginning of the book.

The First Area of Middle Ground: Everyday family-specific habits and routines of daily living

Over time organizations, including families, develop an “extensive intimate pattern of … habits, rules, and routines” (Pasley & Lee, 2010, p. 237). This first level of middle ground includes specific family norms about mess, noise, food, and personal boundaries, as well established rhythms and patterns of family life.

Food: In my own stepfamily, nonfat mayonnaise was obviously “not the real thing” for my husband and his three children. For my daughter and me, it was the, equally obviously, “healthy choice.”

Mess: One part of a stepfamily finds a living room filled with familiar clutter is “homey.” For others, it is “complete chaos.”

“Homey and Cozy” or “Complete Chaos”?

In the five years since her husband had died, Connie Chen had maintained an orderly and neat household with her son Cody. She was overwhelmed by the turmoil that her new husband, the widower Burt Czinsky and his two children, tolerated. What felt cozy and normal for Burt and his kids transformed Connie's home, usually a place of serenity for her, into a constant source of tension.

Noise: Some families run at a higher volume than others.

“Energetic” or “Rude”?

Mona Hoffman Heller grew up in a family where she and her sisters were “seen and not heard.” She treasured her daughters’ highly energetic style. Norman Heller and his three children were accustomed to life in a more subdued key. For them, Mona's girls’ behavior was “loud,” “aggressive,” and even “rude.” Because Norman and his kids were quieter, for the first year or two, Mona's girls accidentally dominated the new family's airwaves.

Personal boundaries: Families vary widely in their patterns of using personal space.

“Sharing Stuff” or “Taking Stuff”?

Mona's daughters were accustomed to walking in and out of each other's rooms, sharing clothing, make up, sports equipment, school supplies, and even friends. In contrast, Norman and his children had clear rules about “knocking first” and “asking before taking” each other's belongings. Each of Norman's children maintained very separate friendships. What Mona and her girls experienced as intimate, Norman and his children experienced as intrusive, and disrespectful.

Familiar things: The path to stepfamily living leads through numerous unsettling changes in the secure base of “home.” Pulling even one more thread out of the fabric can provoke an unexpectedly intense response. Connie Chen bought a “nice new” set of dinnerware to replace what were, to her, the Czinsky family's ugly unmatched plates. Connie's stepson, Brandon, feeling yet another piece of comforting familiar ground ripped away, refused to eat off of them.

Family routines: Over the years, all families develop routines and habits of spending time together. These patterns become deeply ingrained, creating reliable, reassuring rhythms of connection. In a stepfamily, treasured routines that comfort one side of the family may feel quite unpleasant or even disturbing to the other.

Tents or Hotels?

Kevin Anderson and his daughters Kendra and Katie sang sixties songs on car trips and spent two weeks every summer at their favorite lakeside campground. Claire Abbott preferred classical music. She grew up vacationing in urban hotels, not tents. Both singing in the car and vacationing required a delicate negotiation about alleviating Claire's discomfort while maintaining cherished traditions for Kevin and his girls.

The second area of middle ground: Holidays in stepfamilies

Holidays, life cycle events, and other celebratory rituals constitute a class unto themselves. Each side of a stepfamily brings its own sense of “how these things are done,” woven out of a wealth of particular sequences, cadences, smells, and tastes that have gathered shape and form over time. Ritual can be a way to bring stepfamilies together (Whiteside, 1988a). In a study of the first four years of stepfamily life, two-shirds of the stepfamilies listed holiday celebrations as positive turning points toward “feeling like a family” (Baxter, et al., 1999).

However, the Baxter study leaves a full one-third who listed holidays as negative turning points. There are good reasons for this. Holidays generate intense expectations for togetherness. They evoke equally intense disappointment when the expected does not happen. A difference in holiday traditions added yet more fuel to Brandon Czinsky's sense of loss and accelerated the negative spiral between Brandon Czinsky and his stepmother, Connie Chen.

White Lights or Colored Lights?

In the Chen/Czinsky family's first Christmas together, Connie hung elegant white lights on the Christmas tree, sparking a tense standoff with her adolescent stepson, Brandon, who was accustomed to draping the family tree in oodles of multicolored bulbs. Brandon responded by retreating to his room. Burt, aware that Brandon's recently deceased mom had loved colored lights, went to comfort his son. Connie felt abandoned by her husband and furious with her stepson for “ruining our first Christmas together.”

The third area of middle ground: Ethnic, class, and religious heritage in stepfamilies

This third area of middle ground is rooted in a wider assumptive world beyond the family that is shared by an entire community, often extending back through many generations. Differences in this area can feel less like mere personal habits or preferences and more like commandments built into the fabric of the social universe. As the family therapist Monica McGoldrick and her colleagues put it, middle ground in this area powerfully shapes “thinking, feeling, and behavior in both obvious and subtle ways” (McGoldrick, et al., 2005, p. 2). In the United States, the rate of racial and ethnic inter-marriage has doubled over the last three decades (Wang, 2012). Anglo-European cultures generally value individualism, while Latino and Asian cultures place community and family above individuality. Class differences can be just as important. For instance, working class families often abhor debt while upwardly mobile middle class families are more likely to see credit as an instrument for financial success. Generational differences also matter, as we will see in Chapter 10, when first- and third-generation Latinos become stepcouples. The generational cohort of Jews that is closer to the holocaust carries significantly more fear of annihilation than those born more recently.

Mothering or Pandering?

Phoebe Haggarty grew up in an upper class Irish family that valued elegance, hard work, and independence. She had been schooled from a young age to “behave appropriately” and to do her share of the household work. She had passed these values on to her son, Philip.

Angie grew up in a large, multi-generational, Italian family in which the women served the men. She loved cooking for her kids and enjoyed doing their laundry for them. She was glad to do the dishes while they did their homework. What was “mothering” in Angie's culture was “pandering” in Phoebe's culture.

M oney Is a Major Intersection

Contrasting values about money draw power from all three areas of middle ground. First-time couples and stepcouples have about the same amount of conflict. In both, money and children are the two major topics of dissension (Stanley, et al., 2002). However, stepfamily dynamics color the tension over financial matters in very specific ways. “Differing rules of resource distribution” are often at the nub of the dilemma (Pasley & Lee, 2010, p. 240).

Public University or Private Liberal Arts College?

As the daughter of a carpenter and a teacher, Sandy had always lived within a strict budget. Her partner, Eric Emery, came from three generations of very successful lawyers and had always enjoyed spending generously on his daughter. At first Sandy and Eric found themselves arguing over the “appropriate” cost of “everything from winter coats to haircuts.”

By year four, “with just a few minor accidents,” Eric and Sandy again worked through a raft of issues over buying a car for Elyssa. Eric and his sister had both been given new cars for their sixteenth birthdays. Eric was longing to do the same for his daughter. Sandy felt that Elyssa should earn the money for a used car, just as she and her siblings had. After much “mostly pretty friendly” discussion, Eric bought a recent model used car but one with extensive safety features. Elyssa contributed the down payment from her summer earnings.

Extended Family Members Are Part of the Story

Shared parent–child middle ground is connected to an extended network outside the stepfamily boundary that includes in-taws, aunts, uncles, and cousins. This was definitely the case for Angie and Phoebe.

Kids Being Kids or Kids Behaving Horribly?

Phoebe was overwhelmed by the frequent dinner table presence of Angie's father, stepmother, sister, brother-in-law, and their kids. To add to Phoebe's discomfort, Angie's sister and brother-in-law allowed their children to play under the dinner table and chase each other all through the house. Phoebe was adamant that this was “horrible behavior.” Angie and her family all saw the same behavior as “kids being kids.”

Easy Wrong Turns

The discomfort of living in a sea of differences generates a plethora of well-meaning advice. Much of it attempts to steer around this challenge rather than meet it.

Legislating a New Family Culture

One frequent solution to the discomfort of “learning by goofing” and living with constant culture shock is to codify a whole list of new family rules, routines, and rituals. In practice, this rush to resolution works about as well as trying to bring together an Italian family with a Japanese family by decreeing that everyone will use chopsticks and eat spaghetti.

Equally important, an entire new slate of rules creates too much change too fast for children who are already living with an avalanche of changes and losses. This strategy all too often triggers further deterioration in their behavior.4

Stepfamilies do need to patiently and respectfully move toward a sense of “we-ness.” The key words here are “patiently” and “respectfully.”

Stranger in a Strange Land

On the other end of the spectrum, some stepfamilies continue to operate entirely within one parent–child unit's rules, family routines, and rituals, as if nothing has changed. This is especially likely in stepfamilies where only one adult brings children, or in a family with a nonresidential divorced dad whose children are rarely present. The stepparent is expected to simply become part of the existing parent–child's middle ground. Although this does provide stability and security for children, it leaves the outsider stepparent functioning as a permanent “stranger in a strange land” (Papernow, 1993). Successful stepfamilies meet children's needs for stability and consistency while also making a few changes that help outsider stepparents to begin feeling at home.

Stories of Honoring Differences and Creating Shared Ground

Stepping Up to the Challenge

Successful stepfamilies refrain from jumping to premature solutions that meet one set of needs while ignoring others. Nor do they shove their differences under the rug. They step up to this challenge with patience, an “attitude of learning,” and a willingness to bend. They engage in relatively few battles over right and wrong. As always, a sense of humor helps immensely. (The Heller family's genogram is on page 47.)

Mona's Twinkle

Mona Hoffman Heller had lovingly baked her favorite Aunt Janet's low-fat kugel for her first Passover with Norman's sister. Norman had served himself a huge portion but Norman's brothers and their families had left Mona's kugel untouched. They had, meanwhile, gobbled up every last bit of his sister-in-law's full-fat version.

“Nobody ate my kugel!” said Mona at dinner the next night. Mona's six-year-old stepson, Ned declared, “It was gross!” His ten-year-old sister Nicole giggled in agreement. Another stepparent might have accused them both of being rude, or retreated in silent resentful withdrawal.

“Ouch!” said Mona. With a warm twinkle she added, “That's my favorite Aunt Janet's kugel you’re talking about!” Nicole grumbled, “What's kugel without real sour cream?” Mona hung in lightheartedly. “Builds strong bones without fat bellies! It's actually pretty yummy. Try a taste. We’ve got a whole kugel in the fridge!” “No thanks,” said Nicole, just slightly less glumly. “Chicken!” joked Mona, ending the conversation with a good-natured dare.

In the following story, the Danforth/Emery family transformed a potential calamity into a new beloved family tradition. (Genogram on page 5.)

“Holiday Best”

Sandy Danforth and her then nine-year-old daughter Sabina had always celebrated Christmas morning in their pajamas. On their first Christmas morning as a new stepfamily, Eric appeared for their holiday breakfast dressed in a suit and tie. Sabina recalls, “I started crying.” Sandy smiled. “Actually, Sabina hollered, ‘WHAT are you WEARING? THAT’S NOT CHRISTMAS!’ and ran upstairs sobbing hysterically.”

Sandy continued, “That night after we all calmed down, Eric said, ‘I just wanted to dress in my holiday best!’ Sabina cried her heart out to us about all the changes, and we all stuffed ourselves with Christmas cookies.”

“The next day, Sabina and I went shopping. We got Eric the fanciest silk bathrobe we could find so he could still dress in his ‘holiday best’ on Christmas. The next year he came down for Christmas breakfast in his pajamas, wearing the bathrobe, plus his favorite silk necktie. And that's what Eric has worn for Christmas morning every year since.”

As you can see, like their less successful peers, flourishing stepfamilies also have to “learn by goofing.” However, they recover more quickly from their “tuna fish moments.” They pick themselves up, dust themselves off, reach out to each other, and try to understand what happened, moving toward connection and caring, rather than reactivity and withdrawal.

Struggling and Succeeding

Even in the same family, some issues resolve easily, while others require a few wrong turns before the way opens.

“It Seemed Like Such a Simple Request”

Although the kugel mishap went well in the Heller family, other things were more of a struggle. Six years into their stepfamily, Mona says, “Looking back, we had some pretty righteous arguments. I called Norman rigid and he told me my kids had no self-control. Those were not our best moments!”

Norman says, “There were so many things that seemed like obvious no brainers to me. It seemed like such a simple request for Mona's kids to knock first, or to ask before taking off with my kids’ soccer balls and baseball equipment. It took me awhile to understand how much muscle it took Maddie and Molly to actually remember to do it! Then I started thanking them when they remembered instead of jumping down Mona's throat every time they forgot. It sure did work a lot better!”

M oving Down the Road with Differences

Even in thriving, well-established stepfamilies, life cycle events like graduations and weddings can reprise long-dormant step divides. In their sixth year together, a decision about where Eric's daughter Elyssa would go to college once again exposed a fundamental disparity between Sandy's working class values and Eric's more upper class attitudes towards money. Although upsetting, by this time, Eric and Sandy had learned to stop, look, and listen before proceeding through this major intersection in their relationship.

Sandy and Eric Talk about College for Elyssa

Sandy said, “Just when I thought we were done with the hard ones, here we were again. When Eric told me what schools Elyssa was looking at I was appalled.” Sandy and her two sisters had worked their way through state colleges. Eric had gone to Princeton, funded, like his older sister and his father before him, by the family's inheritance. He had fully expected that Elyssa would attend a private liberal arts college. Sandy continues the story:

“We did start into one of our old tug-of-wars. But by the time of the Great College Conversation, we had learned to catch ourselves and switch into our, ‘How did the Emerys do it?’ and ‘How did the Danforths do it?’ routine. We’ve learned a lot about each other over the years. We learned some more in this one.”

“We handle our finances separately, so it was ultimately Eric's decision, but we had some good talks. In the end, I agreed that a big state school was the wrong place for Elyssa, especially with her learning disabilities. It's actually nice that he can afford to give her what she needs.”

Telling Family Stories

First-time families have a shared narrative that includes not only their own experiences together, but tales of each parent's family history, often told many times over. These stories are not part of the communal memory of the second family. Their power in shaping the present often remains unknown until a moment of “learning by goofing” unearths them. Over time, successful stepfamilies fill in the context for each other, telling each other the stories that color the emotional fabric of their lives together. (Genogram on page 3.)

Baking Is Caring

In Chapter 4, Claire Abbott stayed home from work to bake her stepdaughter Kendra's favorite cake from scratch. To Claire's great disappointment, Kendra had barely touched it. A year later on her own birthday, Claire's stories of her own childhood helped her husband and stepdaughters understand her surprise and distress.

“Birthdays in my house were really special. My mom would always bake us each our favorite cake from scratch. Mine was chocolate, with gobs and gobs of dark frosting and shavings of hard chocolate on the top. My brother Randy's was white cake with strawberry filling. My little brother Jerry liked carrot cake, just like Kendra. I remember sitting on the counter from the time I was tiny, licking the bowls and the beaters.”

Kendra loved to cook. This chance conversation also opened the way to a cooperative effort between Claire and her more distant stepdaughter. From then on they began making the family's birthday cakes together. The jointly-fashioned cakes became a precious part of the Abbott/Anderson family's thickening middle ground.

Best Practices: Key Strategies for Navigating Differences and Growing a New Stepfamily Culture

General Guidelines

Watch for compassion traps!

The upset stepparent who made the ill-fated tuna fish sandwich tells her minister a story of an ungrateful, rude child. The child will tell her guidance counselor a very different story: “My stepmother got mad at me because I don't like celery in my tuna fish.” We help stepfamilies to meet this challenge by holding our awareness of both a beleaguered stepmother and a stepchild overwhelmed by massive changes. To avoid the compassion trap, empathize with each person's feelings, and resist the urge to join in blaming any other players in the story.

We can say to the stepmother, “It is so painful, isn't it, to put so much effort in and feel so unappreciated?” When the stepparent has calmed a bit, we can add, “These differences show up at every turn, don't they! It's one of the most challenging things about living in a stepfamily!”

Expand the lens horizontally and vertically

Cultural challenges are usually embedded in relationships that extend horizontally outside the boundaries of the nuclear stepfamily, and vertically through the generations. See Questions that Cultivate Curiosity (on page 99) for some suggestions for guiding the exploration. As I ask these questions, I am listening for the historical roots of core values, for intergenerational patterns of relating, and for legacies of loss, trauma, and resilience.

Level I Psychoeducation

Normalize the Challenge

Shift the metaphor

Understanding that “tuna fish moments” are a normal part of early stepfamily life makes it easier to respond with less alarm. Shifting the metaphor also helps. Returning to the beginning of the chapter, becoming a stepfamily is less like blending cake ingredients into a smooth batter and more like the step-by-step process of bringing together people from two very different cultures. This metaphor helps to make it clear that the first task is not about immediately eliminating differences. It is, again, about getting to know each other.

Expect a certain amount of “learning by goofing”

It is important to talk as much as possible ahead of time about money, food, family rituals, etc. It is also important to remember that much of any group's culture does not have language until an expectation is broken.

R egulate the Amount of Change

Learning about each other takes time

The adults’ longing to create a sense of home fuels the urge for blending, especially after a long period of being single. However, in stepfamilies, driving too fast toward feeling like a family ups the chances of missing important landmarks and increases accident rates. The following quote from a daily horoscope in the Boston Globe captures both the necessity and the discomfort of taking the process slowly:

There is too much that is still unknown for you to make a good decision or choice. Ask questions but do not force the issue. Uncertainty may be unnerving but wait it out rather than responding negatively.

(Last, 2011)

Leave familiar routines (and objects) in place

A fresh start with a new family may seem the time for all new everything— new rules, new bedroom furniture, new curtains, etc. However, children (and adults!) generally feel more secure when surrounded by what is familiar. Maintaining familiar routines like bedtime rituals and continuing to eat favorite foods supports children's adjustment.

Make just a couple of changes in rules at a time

Successful stepfamilies agree upon, at the most, two or three realistic changes in rules and routines that enable the family to function well enough. They live with the rest while the children adjust and everyone gets to know each other. Rules that insure safety and civility come first. If one set of children is required to eat their whole grain cereal for breakfast, adults must insure that those eating sugar cereal do not flaunt their privilege. In double stepfamilies, try to equalize the amount of change being asked of each set of children.

No change at all exiles the stepparent

Stepparents and outsider stepchildren do need some change!

Changing ingrained habits and routines takes time

Undoing familiar habits and routines and developing new ones requires a surprising number of gentle reminders. Positive feedback that reinforces small changes is more effective than criticism or nagging. “You remembered that time! Thanks!” “You’ve been good about the dishes. Could you knock off the ones in the sink?”

Lower the intensity with one-to-one time

This challenge, like all the others, becomes most intense when the whole family is together. Parent–child alone time lessens the urgency of making adjustments for newcomers and provides a restful break from disregulating change. For stepcouples, time alone together provides a chance to enjoy and expand their own shared ground and to address their differences in a careful “stop, look, and listen” way. Shared interests are prime real estate for building stepparent–step-child relationships. Exploring them requires time away from the more powerful parent–child bond.

Give everyone a voice

Outsider stepparents are often the voice for change. Parents are the voice for what is developmentally and emotionally appropriate for their own children. Children will sign on to changes more easily if they have input into what familiar furniture, pictures, and family rituals matter most to them.

Expect some differences to remain in place

Remaining differences do not indicate a “failure to blend.” The Japanese will continue using chopsticks and eating sushi, and the Italians will prefer forks and spaghetti.

Making Holiday Rituals “Ties That Bind” Rather than “Ties That Break”

Expect negotiation over cherished holiday rituals

Holidays in stepfamilies can involve intense negotiation about an astonishing number of questions: Do we hang white lights or colored lights on the tree? Will we eat Aunt Janet's low-fat kugel or Dad's sister's full-fat version or both?

Find some “virgin territory” (or invent a new holiday)

Creating new family traditions can help forge a sense of “we-ness.” The problem is that even making small changes to a beloved family ritual requires that someone relinquish treasured details, adding to the load of losses. Holidays where neither family has established traditions offer a clean slate. Scout out a few that are “virgin territory.” Or, create a new one! My own stepfamily invented “Chanukmas,” a December gathering that includes a tree, stockings, latkes, lighting menorahs, and singing the Chanukah blessings. The date is determined by when all of the children (now adults with children of their own) can make it.

Consider celebrating some holidays separately, at least initially

When feelings are running high, spending some of the first few major holidays separately may actually support stepfamily development. Feeling sad is far preferable to forging miserable memories that will haunt all future celebrations.

H andling Money in Stepfamilies

No one way is best

A common “blogger boo boo” states that family unity is best served by combining finances. Empirical data does not support this.5

One pot, two pots, three pots, mixed pots?

Some stepcouples pool their funds: A “one-pot” solution. Equally satisfied couples use a “two-pot” model: Both members of the couple keep their money entirely separate. Each pays a determined share of joint bills from his or her own account. Many use a three-pot model: Both contribute to a joint account that pays their shared expenses. Each partner maintains a separate individual account for his or her own personal and child-related expenses.6

Some two- and three-pot stepcouples make all their spending decisions about children jointly. Some have a trigger point amount over which they will consult each other. In others, the stepparent has input, and the parent has final say. Still others make these decisions entirely separately.

Most stepfamilies incorporate elements of all these models. The model that best handles everyday expenses may differ from the one that works for life cycle events, or for estate planning. What feels right in the early stages may not be the best fit several years down the road.7

What is a “fair share”?

If one partner moves into the other's home, perhaps both contribute to the mortgage but the owner pays for capital expenses. Or both may contribute to all housing expenses with a legal agreement that allows the non-owner to slowly gain a larger ownership share. To protect family health for all, I encourage stepcouples to execute legal agreements about these things.

Contribution amounts for joint daily living expenses often consider comparative incomes and assets, children's ages (a 16-year-old eats considerably more than a three-year-old), and how many days each child spends in the household.

Remarriage significantly impacts college financial aid formulas

Most American colleges use a form called the FAFSA (Free Application for Federal Student Aid) to determine financial aid, sometimes in combination with the CSS Financial Aid Profile. In the U.S., when a stepcouple marries, both the FAFSA and the CSS count the stepparent's income in calculating the parent's contribution to educational expenses. Single parents who had counted on financial aid will often no longer qualify. The effect on college prospects, and on family wellbeing, can be devastating.

Stepcouples with college-bound children may want to consider delaying marriage until after the last, or even the first or second, FAFSA due date (currently the February preceding the next college year). As one stepparent said, “Living in sin seemed a much better choice than going to the poor house or to the divorce court.” Colleges do vary somewhat in their flexibility on this. I encourage parents to speak with college financial aid officers.

Level II Interpersonal Skills for Bridging Differences

Core Skills for Living Well with Differences

Many of these will be familiar by now. Chapter 15 has more detail on each of these.

Take a breath

When what feels like a perfectly obvious “no-brainer” to one stepfamily member doesn't even show up on the screen for another, the spike of emotional heat is inevitable. What comes easily for many is, “How could you!” The simple practice of stepping back and taking a breath before engaging makes it easier to reach for, “Oops another one! Tell me more.” The resulting information is also vital to crafting a resolution that will actually work.

Soft/Hard/Soft is great for bringing up disagreements

In the face of a disagreement, many believe that the choice is to either “be nice” and bite your tongue, or “be real” and blurt the truth. Neither of these produces satisfying results. Soft/Hard/Soft offers a way forward. The formula is: Before raising an issue, look inside for something “soft” (positive feedback, an expression of caring or confidence). With that same “soft” energy, express the “hard” message, and add another “soft”.

Try sentence stems that lead toward requests

Requests are less triggering than criticisms. “Would you be willing to …?” “I’d love it if …” For example, “Jackets on the floor are tough for me. I’d love it if we could work on hanging them up.”

Labels and “you messages” beg for a fight

Comments like, “Your family is rude and inconsiderate” activate defensiveness. “I messages” (“I’m having a hard time with all this noise”) do not guarantee reception, but they do increase the chances of being heard.

Keep going back to joining

I use “joining” over and over again to prevent runaway conflict and open portals of connection in my office. In the case that ends this chapter, I use this structure to reset optimal arousal, take a fraught conversation one or two sentences at a time, and, ultimately, open the way to intimacy. Details are in Chapter 15.

Help your clients to track emotional arousal level

Emotional temperatures rise quickly in the face of differences. All conversations work better in optimal arousal. The Arousal Levels chart on page 15 is always visible in my office. “Let's take a time out. Any sense of where you are on this little chart?” “How about we all stop and take a breath?”

Encouraging an “Attitude of Learning”

Curiosity lowers reactivity

Curiosity is a powerful pathway into optimal arousal and connection. When the internal conversation remains, “that's ridiculous,” escalation or withdrawal are often right around the corner. I remind my clients that even apparently “stupid” or irritating behavior almost always makes total sense to the other guy. Here is a list of questions that lead toward “tell me more.” In the case that ends this chapter, some of these questions helped Angie Gianni and Phoebe Haggarty to begin transforming a pitched argument into a constructive conversation.

Questions that cultivate curiosity about differences

The primary question is: Can you help me understand how this makes sense from where you came from? Can you talk more about what is important to you about … (singing in the car, colored lights on the tree, having no debt, etc.)? Tell me about … (how you handled money in your first marriage, how you and your first partner handled bedtimes, allowances, etc.)? What did you like best and least about that?

In the family you grew up in, how did they handle money, food, holidays? What happened if someone was frightened, sad, did something “wrong”? How was discipline handled? What happened in your family if someone was mad, disappointed? Did kids question adults? What were birthdays like? What was the community you grew up in like? What did you like, and not like, about that?

In the family your parents came from … (same questions as above). The United States is a country of immigrants. American values focus on “blending in.” We are only beginning to appreciate the influence of history on the present: Where did your parents come from? When did they come here (to this country, or to this part of the country)? Who and what did they leave behind? What were they looking for? What was it like for them here when they arrived?

Level III Intrapsychic Issues That Impact the Challenge

Moments of difference in intimate relationships register as breaks in attachment and connection. They can hit a tender spot in all of us. Empathizing with the feelings these moments evoke, normalizing the challenge of living in a sea of differences, and managing the constant culture shock with better interpersonal skills helps many to meet the challenge.

Again, if reactivity remains high, this challenge is likely hitting unhealed hurts from the past. A parent or stepparent who rarely felt “gotten” or understood as a child will find the constant lack of agreement much more painful. Unexpected surprises are much more upsetting for a person who grew up in a chaotic unsafe family. An adult who was humiliated as a child for “not doing it right” may be more likely to be defensive and to treat others in the same way. This person will also be especially sensitive to criticism. More about shifting to this level and for making a referral can be found in Chapter 16.

Case Study

Understanding deeply rooted historical legacies helped us to begin untangling a recurring conflict between Angie Gianni and Phoebe Haggarty. (The Gianni/Haggarty genogram is on page 36.)

Angie and Phoebe Take a Family History Excursion

Angie and Phoebe had been warming up “the Cold War” between them—a quagmire that had resulted from the poor match between Phoebe's slower response time and Angie's quick attack style. As we moved into their issues about parenting and “proper behavior,” I saw a much more aggressive, argumentative side of Phoebe: “What kind of mother are you? You haven't even taught your kids to do the most basic job of setting a nice table!” “Who cares?” replied an exasperated Angie. “I do!” exclaimed Phoebe.

On these issues, the Cold War became World War III. Psychoeducation had not softened this pattern. Joining provided only a temporary respite. My attempts to explore individual intrapsychic roots of the reactivity had gone nowhere.

I began to wonder if this issue was embedded in something much larger and older. Pulling out my large newsprint pad, I drew the beginning of a genogram. With my fingers crossed, I said, “I am thinking we need a family history excursion.”

We knew by then that Phoebe had grown up in Boston in a Lace Curtain Irish family. The term has its origins in the practice of hanging lace curtains in the windows of even the poorest shanties in Ireland. It carries the connotation of “putting on airs.” Delving into the generations on Phoebe's side of the genogram revealed another context: Phoebe's grandmother's fervent desire to distance their families from the poor, unskilled Irish laborers who were the targets of debilitating discrimination by the Boston Protestant ruling class. Before this, nine centuries of Irish mothers had struggled to differentiate their families from the “rabble” who suffered especially relentless oppression by the British. This history added new meaning to Phoebe's mother's urgent drills about setting an elegant table, and we began to understand the legacy of panic underlying Phoebe's almost rabid insistence on “proper behavior.”

On Angie's side, we learned that both of her grandfathers had emigrated from an impoverished fishing village in Sicily. Both had left wives and small children behind for several years. For Angie's family, children running around at dinner signified, first and foremost, that “all is well.” In a tradition that values loyalty and family togetherness above all, the legacy of long separations in Angie's family's immigration history only added to her conviction that how the table is set matters infinitely less than eating together with loved ones.

As we travelled together back through the generations, the friction began to ease. The differences remained. But respect and genuine curiosity began to replace irritation and dismissiveness.

Conclusion to Chapter 6

Stepfamilies do need to work toward a sense of “we-ness.” However, when stepfamilies rush into blending, someone usually gets creamed, and stepfamily development is slowed or derailed. Conversely, avoidance keeps the peace, but at the cost of intimacy and mutual understanding. The challenge is not to resolve all of the differences, but to face them with enough calm and respectfulness to learn from each other. Ultimately, a new stepfamily culture that gives everyone a sense of “home” is formed over time with caring, curiosity, a good dose of patience, and, very often, a sprinkle of good humor. To add yet another metaphor, creating middle ground in successful stepfamilies is less like quickly weaving a solid wool blanket, and more like slowly piecing together a patchwork quilt. Like all beautiful quilts, a mature, thriving stepfamily exudes a sense of the whole, while still including many distinct patterns.