Challenges After Divorce

Papernow Chapter 14-18

Papernow, P. L. (2013). Surviving and Thriving in Stepfamily Relationships. Taylor & Francis.  https://mbsdirect.vitalsource.com/books/9781136701542

Chapter 14 Level I

A Toolbox for Psychoeducation

DOI: 10.4324/9780203813645-14

Psychoeducation, so key to stepfamily success, is much more than simply dispensing information. This chapter describes some ofthe critical skills involved. It concludes with a summary of the key strategies that support stepfamily success. I hope that this chapter will be useful to a wide range of practitioners involved in helping stepfamilies to meet their challenges.1

Critical Skills for Effective Psychoeducation

Normalize the Intensity

Bringing language to felt, but unnamed, experience can bring considerable relief. “Insiders and outsiders! Click! Finally someone put words on it!” Normalizing intense feelings can also go a long way to lifting shame, lowering anxiety, and restoring optimal arousal. However, simple pronouncements (“Being an outsider is normal in a stepfamily”) leave stepfamily members alone in their pain. Leading with empathic attunement, grounded in specific details of daily living, will be much more comforting: “In a stepfamily, every time a child walks into the room, you, Jane, feel invisible and pushed to the side, and you, John, feel pulled in and engaged. It happens a thousand times day, doesn't it?”

Stay “Low, Slow, and Simple”

New information delivered at a fast clip or at a high pitch will get lost. The receiver needs time to fully chew, swallow, and digest each morsel. “Low and slow” is an invaluable prompt from Sue Johnson, along with “soft and simple” (2012). For me, simply dropping into a lower voice register can slow my own internal engine, and help me to shift my attention from figuring out what to say next, to tracking my clients’ subtle nonverbal responses.

“What's That Like to Hear from Me?”

Accurate information about stepfamily challenges can be profoundly disappointing. I always ask, “What was that like to hear from me?” Both relief and despair need to be voiced and heard, by me, and by other stepfamily members who are present in the room. I closely track nonverbal clues: A stepparent leans forward. Her eyes brighten. Her partner's shoulders slump slightly. His energy goes flat. “It looks like this was a relief for you, Jane, but maybe hard to hear for you, John. Am I right?” Ignoring or rushing by these cues leaves our clients sitting alone with their feelings. It also increases the likelihood of apparent “noncompliance.”

Check for “Do-ableness”

Receiving “expert advice” that you cannot use is both frustrating and shaming. I often ask, “On a scale of one to ten, ten is hardest, one is a cinch. Let's check just how hard would it be to make that request of your partner?” If what I am suggesting is above a four or five, we need to carefully explore the obstacles and either address them, or scale down the suggestion.

Practice the Discipline of “Joining”

Corrective information, even when offered with the best intentions, easily evokes defensiveness. Before I correct, differ, or offer a new piece of information, I take a breath. I look for what I do understand about where this person is coming from. When a client has a “wrong idea,” especially one that will get them into trouble, it is all too easy for most of us to begin insistently hammering home the “right” information. When clients object to, argue with, or refuse to believe our good advice, it is also tempting to simply drop an important but frustrating topic. Neither arguing nor avoiding is helpful.

Compassionate affective connection opens the way to change. Especially if I sense any resistance or shame, and whenever I find myself feeling critical or judgmental, I do not open my mouth, until I can say what I do genuinely understand about where my client is coming from.

Practice “Heart Flips”

This kind of compassionate joining in the face of “wrong ideas” and “resistance” requires what my colleague Mona Barbera (2008) calls a “heart flip”—finding a way to open your heart at moments when you would really rather argue, be judgmental, or give up. Challenge yourself to find a genuinely empathic connection with each of the “wrong ideas” in the left hand column below. The right hand column offers some suggestions.

Table 14.1 Heart flips

Wrong Idea Heart Flip

1. Recoupled dad: My wife is still not close to my kids. What is wrong with her? What parent wouldn't want other adults to love your kids the same way you do?

2. Stepmother: His daughter is the problem. All the other kids are completely cooperative. She is being self-centered and resistant. You are so wanting this new family to work. It's so disappointing when you want something so badly, and someone isn't cooperating. Did I get that right?

3. Stepmother: I don't see what is so hard about following my rules. It's my house. I’m just asking for a few simple things. It's tough to have kids in your house who don't follow your rules. It makes it feel like it's not your home, doesn't it?

4. Stepfather: We can't even celebrate a holiday together. Christmas was a disaster. What's wrong with us? It is so hard when holidays don't go well. Just when you’re hoping for a nice celebration, all heck breaks loose, right?

5. Recoupled mom: My ex was late again picking up the kids. I let him have it, right then and there at the door. He has walked on me long enough! I’m betting it felt great to finally stand up to him. It's been a long haul, hasn't it? Can I ask you something. Were the kids there?

Use Bits of Psychoeducation to Help Stepcouples Connect

Here are Kevin and Claire in an early session, processing information I have just shared with them about their stuck insider and outsider positions:

PP What's it like to hear me say all this, about insiders and outsiders?

KEVIN I guess I’m relieved. I think I’ve been really scared.

PP Would it be OK to turn to Claire and tell her that?

KEVIN TO CLAIRE Finding you was so wonderful. Then it got so hard. I guess I was really scared. Scared it wouldn't work and I’d lose you!

PP TO CLAIRE What's happening inside, Claire, as you listen to Kevin say this? Can you tell him?

CLAIRE I didn't know! I just saw you being so defensive. I really didn't know how scared you were.

A Summary of Key Moves That Support Stepfamily Development

Ease Stuck Insider/Outsider Positions

Expect them!

Support all relationships in the stepfamily with lots of one-to-one time.

Support Children

Establish regular, reliable one-to-one parent–child time.

Actively loosen loyalty binds. Children with very tight loyalty binds will need more distance from stepparents.

Build the adults’ empathic connection with kids.

For kids (of all ages), the adjustment to a stepfamily is often more challenging, and requires more time, than the adjustment to divorce. Moving slowly is often hard for the adults but reaps benefits for all.

Children over nine, girls, and especially adolescent girls will very likely need more time and patience.

Meet Parenting Challenges

Expect parenting polarizations.

Parents retain the disciplinary role. Stepparents have input, parents have final say.

Authoritative, loving, and moderately firm parenting is key to children's wellbeing. Permissive, authoritarian, and unpredictable parenting styles do not serve children well.

Stepparents need to begin by making connections with their stepchildren, not by correcting them. After forming trusting, caring relationships with their stepchildren, some stepparents can move slowly into authoritative parenting.

Authoritarian stepparenting is almost always destructive.

Honor Differences While Building a New Family Culture

Becoming a stepfamily is a process, not an event!

Make only a few changes at a time. Rules for safety and respect come first.

Holidays can expose a surprising number of differences. Celebrating separately for a while may actually best support stepfamily development.

Try to replace arguing over right and wrong with learning about each other.

Maintain Low-Conflict Relationships with Ex-spouses

Highly collaborative co-parenting relationships are best for children. Low-conflict “parallel parenting” is next best.

Protect children from adult tension. Monitor conflict like doctors monitor blood pressure.

Differences between houses are normal. The key is for the adults to be respectful and neutral about them.

Children need basic information (“Christmas Day will be at Dad's this year”). They do not need sordid details (“Making holiday arrangements with your dad was so difficult”). Watch for inadvertent “leaking” about the other parent.

Young children do best with co-parenting plans that provide a consistent predictable week-day schedule. (Weekends can be more flexible.)

High-conflict ex-spouse relationships benefit from extremely specific, structured parenting plans. Make use of court-appointed neutral decisionmakers. Make sure that communication between co-parents is brief, fact-based, and focused on children.

Help ex-spouses to use their best skills, not their worst, with each other.

Chapter 15 Level II

A Toolbox for Interpersonal Skills

DOI: 10.4324/9780203813645-15

It is how stepfamilies communicate about disagreements, rather than the mere presence of disagreements that is important to mental health in stepfamilies.

(Stanley, Blumberg, & Markman, 1999)

Good interpersonal skills invite optimal arousal. They open channels of connection across the divides created by insider/outsider positions, parenting polarities, and cultural differences. They are vital to forming new stepparent–stepchild relationships, and crucial in maintaining cooperative low-conflict relationships with ex-spouses. Chapter 15 begins with some basic principles for teaching interpersonal skills. It gives step-by-step directions for the two tools that I use most: Joining and Soft/Hard/Soft. Shorter descriptions of a number of my other favorites follow. The chapter ends with some key research findings that I often share with clients about behaviors that create satisfying, long-term relationships, and those that predict distress.

This chapter is not about how to do couples therapy. It is my own compilation of skills that can make a difference. In fact, none of the tools in my toolbox are particularly complicated. However, I am constantly struck by how little most people know about positive communication practices, from the most sophisticated to the least.

Some Principles for Working on Level II

Keep Your Offi ce a Safe Place

I firmly, but compassionately, interrupt defensive, dismissive, critical, or demeaning exchanges. “Can I call a time-out here? I promised I would stop you if I saw anything that feels unsafe.”

Skills Require Practice and Feedback

Skills must be practiced, many times. Simply talking about a new skill is not sufficient, whether we are working with a couple or an individual. “Let's try it.” “Let's put it to work. I’ll help.”

Stepfamily members already feel inadequate and lost. I always try to lead with a piece of specific positive feedback. “You’re each coming through really clearly. But I’m kind of betting neither of you feels very heard. Am I right?” “John, you got part of what Jane said. I think there was some more about how all this feels to her. Would you like her to repeat that part?”

Working on Interpersonal Skills Is as Vital with Individuals as It Is with Couples

A stepmother says to me, “I try to tell him, but he always gets defensive.” I say, “Tell me more about how the conversation goes.” She replies, “I tell him his kids are slobs and he needs to teach them good manners.” I say, “I know you really want him to hear you. Want some help?”

Some Common Objections to Learning Interpersonal Skills

The amount of effort required to learn new skills can feel arduous, irritating, and, to some, quite unnecessary. Here are some common objections and my responses to them:

“But isn't it important to be honest?”

Yes, honesty is important. However, the choice is not between remaining silent and saying it like it is. The challenge is to say hard things, but in a way that builds connection and caring, not disconnection and tension.

“But it's the truth!”

Truth without compassion is a weapon, not a form of communication.

“Why should I have to be so careful? It's not natural.”

We all wish to be natural, especially with those closest to us. One of my early mentors, the Gestalt therapist, Sonia Nevis, used to say, “Sharp elbows hurt more up close.” When you are upset, saying something kindly can indeed require a significant amount of emotional muscle. What is lost in spontaneity is gained in intimacy.

“My partner (child/ex-spouse) is just over-sensitive.”

“I believe that you don't intend to hurt your partner/child/stepchild. However, it turns out that critical comments are painful for most humans. In response to pain, most humans strike back, shut down, or flee. If you want to be heard, understood, or cared about, it is in your best self-interest to learn how to say hard things tenderly.”

Some Lead-Ins for Teaching Interpersonal Skills

I especially use these when I want to teach joining.

Time out. Can I stop you a moment?

I have the sense that you’ve had this conversation before, am I right? Can I help you have it differently?

I sense that both of you are longing to be understood. I’m guessing neither is feeling heard. Is that right? (Nobody has ever said no to this!) Would you like some help?

It sounds like this is an important conversation, right? I’d like to help you have it better. Interested? (Thanks to Toni Herbine–Blank for this one.)

Like we’ve been saying, this family structure divides you constantly. It's happening again. Can you feel it? I’d like to teach you something that might help you feel connected to each other. Even though you stand in different places and see different things. Interested?

Two Favorite Tools: Joining and Soft/Hard/Soft Joining

Joining is a kind of heart-led mirroring that interrupts the “but, but, but” responses that leave couples (and kids) progressively less heard and understood. It is my favorite fall-back pathway to bringing the emotional temperature of a relationship back into the optimal zone and jump starting the flow of understanding and caring. I use it often to keep things from getting wild and wooly when I have a high conflict pair in my office.1

The Structure Is Simple

Jane and John are butting heads.

THERAPIST TO BOTH Can I stop you a moment? I am kind of guessing that both of you are longing to be understood. Right? And I have a sense neither of you is feeling heard? Want some help?

THERAPIST TO BOTH I want to teach you something called joining. It's kind of simple. But maybe a little harder than it looks. I’ll help. Who wants to start? (John volunteers.)

THERAPIST TO JOHN I would like you to say just one or two sentences about what you most want Jane to know. (John speaks.) (If John goes beyond one or two sentences, I make a time-out sign, and say something like, “I know there is so much more to say. It turns out, listening is like eating. Your partner can only take in so much at a time. If you want her to hear, you have to keep it short!” He tries it again.)

THERAPIST TO JANE Before you respond, I’d like you to take a breath. Take a minute to feel that place inside where you do love John. See if you can find what you do understand about what he is saying. (We stay with it until John gives a nod that Jane “got” him. If necessary, add, “I’m not asking you to agree. In fact you may disagree completely! I’m just asking you to let him know what you do understand.”)

THERAPIST TO JANE Now it's your turn to say just a sentence or two to John. (Jane speaks a couple of sentences to John.)

BACK TO JOHN OK John, your turn. Before you respond to Jane, I’d like you to take a breath. Find the place where you do understand what Jane is saying. (Stay with it until Jane gives a nod.)

U se the Structure to Slow Things Down

Stop the action. Take things one bit at a time. Stay with it until the listener really does “get” what the speaker is saying. If necessary, elaborate and translate. “Jane, I think you were saying that you are longing for John to get what it's like to feel so invisible. Am I right? John, can you find the place inside where you do understand what that's like for Jane?”

A Lot of the Power of Joining Lies on the Nonverbal Level

You are reaching for not just the word package, but for a sense of vibrating resonance. I sometimes say, “It's like holding a cello note with your partner.” Sometimes the words are there, but the pace is too fast for intimate connection. Attend to small nonverbal cues: When clients remain tight or defensive, remember to lead from compassion (“It looks like maybe this one is hard for you?”), not criticism.

Deepen the Sense of Connection

If this goes well, slowing way down helps each person to take in the other's experience. Both partners start to feel heard and seen. I begin looking for tiny signs of increasing relaxation and opening. John takes a deep breath. Jane's face softens. Their shoulders begin to relax. They look fully at each other. Once this starts taking hold, I want to root this feeling of connection more firmly in their bodies and in their minds. I also want to highlight their knowledge of their power to recreate it.

THERAPIST TO JOHN I wonder, John, how that feels inside, that Jane is getting how it is for you to feel so torn between the people you love?

JOHN It touches me.

THERAPIST TO JOHN Can you tell Jane that? Can you tell her what it's like for you when she lets you know that she understands?

JOHN I don't feel so lonely when you get it! (We do a similar sequence with Jane.)

THERAPIST TO BOTH How about we just sit for a moment and let this sink in. (A few moments later, I say:) You might have noticed that this sense of closeness is not coming from agreeing with each other. It is coming from slowing down and fully hearing each other.

Using Joining to Deepen Empathy between Parents and Kids

Joining is a great structure for helping parents slow down and really take in their children's experience. I say to a dad, “I know you want your daughter to feel better. I know you love her. Could you take a moment and find that place in your heart where you do understand about what she just said?” Especially with younger children, I concentrate on increasing parents’ emotional attunement with their children. It is usually inappropriate to ask a child, especially a young one, to empathize with a parent.

With older adolescents and young adults, I begin with this fairly one-sided joining, until the child feels that the parent fully “gets it.” Once the child feels deeply understood, I may ask the parent, “Is there a sentence or two you would like your son/daughter to understand?” Then I will help teens or young adults to work on this important skill by asking them to slow down and “get” what their parents are trying to communicate.

Soft/Hard/Soft

Introducing Soft/Hard/Soft

“You have some important but hard things you need to say to each other. Most of us don't like to hear negative feedback. Soft/Hard/Soft is a way to say hard things in a loving way.” I often say, “It's like a reverse Oreo cookie. Or a layer cake.”

Start with something “soft.”

Then say the “hard” thing, but with that same soft energy.

Then add another soft.

The very act of looking for “soft” is often calming to the speaker. It often opens the way for compassion. For those who are allergic to confrontation, Soft/Hard/Soft provides a safe way to bring up tough subjects. Many of my clients cannot pull off joining on their own. However, most easily grasp Soft/Hard/Soft and can use it at home.

A Few Ways to Do “Soft” (I Usually Offer Two or Three Ways to Do “Soft”)

Express your caring: “I love you and I want us to be close.”

Give positive feedback: “I can see you’re working hard on getting your kids to pick up their things.”

Empathize: “I am getting how totally irritating my kids’ clutter is for you!”

Attribute positive intentions: “I know you wouldn't want me to feel left out and lonely.”

Own your part: “I have gotten a little loose on asking the kids to clean up.”

Express confidence: “I have confidence that we can work this out.”

Meeting the Challenges with Soft/Hard/Soft

The “soft” statements below are in italics. The “hard” statements are in regular font, followed by another soft statement.

Insiders and outsiders (an outsider stepmother asks for attention from an insider dad): “I realize you don't see your kids all week. But it gets lonely for me when they’re here. Could you just give me an extra hug in the morning before we get up? I love you and I know you don't want me to be lonely.” Not: “You obviously don't care at all about me.”

Children (a parent asks a child to use her words): “Sometimes this new family is an awful lot of changes coming awfully fast for you. But I think you’re old enough to come tell me, not throw a fit. I know I don't listen sometimes. I’ll really work on listening.” Not: “You are out of control.”

Parenting and stepparenting (a stepdad asks a mom for more clean-up action in the kitchen): “I’m guessing that it works fine for you guys to do the dishes every couple of days. But the pile in the sink is driving me nuts. Let's figure out a way through this together.” Not: “Your kids are slobs.”

Parenting (a recoupled mom asks her partner to be kinder): “It's got to be hard for you that we are all used to leaving our things everywhere. But I have a request. Would you to talk to me about it a bit more kindly? We’ll keep working on this together.” Not: “Why can't you calm down and be more flexible?”

Cultural differences (a stepmom initiates a conversation about money): “I know you adore your daughter and want to take good care of her. I actually think it would be a good thing for her to pay for her own car insurance. Can we talk? I know you have always taken care of her in this way, so this might be tough to even think about.” Not: “I can't believe you’re not making your daughter take some responsibility!”

Ex-spouses (a divorced mom says no to her ex-husband): “I’m sure it would be really fun to take Polly to Vermont next weekend. Since it's my weekend with her, I need to ask you to find another time to take her. I know you wouldn't want me to schedule anything on your time with her.” Not: “You always have been a self-absorbed bastard.”

A Few More Favorite Tools

Track Arousal Levels

Preeminent researcher and couples therapist John Gottman has stated that self-regulation, the ability to bring ourselves back into optimal arousal, is the most important interpersonal skill (2011). Many people are quite unaware of when they are moving toward “losing it” or shutting down. Gottman uses a fingertip oximeter that provides immediate in-session feedback about rising pulse rates. It also tracks efforts to bring the heart rate down. I use the simple Arousal Levels Chart introduced in Chapter 2. It is always visible in my office, along with the Parenting Styles chart.

Stop the action

When you sense that the intensity is starting to rise (or drop): “Oops. Can we stop and take a check inside? Notice where your arousal level is?” My client responds, “Getting tense.”

Help identify cues “What's the clue for you that your emotional temperature is rising (or that you are starting to shut down)?” “What are you aware of in your body?” (“My jaw gets tense.” “My stomach starts to hurt.”) “What do you find yourself thinking?” (“Here we go again!”) “That's great! How about we work on recognizing those clues and calling a time-out. I’ll help.”

When awareness is lacking “How about if I let you know when it looks from the outside like things might be heating up/shutting down inside. You can check and see.”

Make Requests Not Criticisms

Attacks require rebuttals. Requests are generally easier to hear than criticisms. Requests do not guarantee success. But, barring sainthood, criticism almost always guarantees defensiveness. Clients who come from a family where asking, or showing needs was unsafe may be unable to do this without some internal work.

Criticism Request

You never make time for me I would love some time alone with you

Can't you ever be nice? Would you try to use a softer voice with my kids?

You never ask your kids to do anything I’d love it if you’d ask Katie to set the table

Sentence Stems: I Would Love It If…

Sentence stems provide a structure for requesting rather than criticizing:

It would help me if …

Would you be willing to …

“I Messages” Rather Than “You Messages”

“I messages” are generally less triggering than “you messages.” You messages label the other person (i.e., selfish, uncaring, oversensitive). I messages communicate feelings. Feelings are: sad, mad, glad, I like it, I don't like it. I messages do not guarantee being heard, but they increase the chances significantly. You messages pretty much guarantee defensiveness.

You messages I messages

You don't care I miss you

Your kids are slobs I’m having a hard time with the mess

You are over-reacting I’m overwhelmed

Two Circles

“Two circles” is a concrete way to teach about boundaries. The goal is to “speak from inside your own circle” rather than “step into the other guy's circle.” Speaking from inside your own circle requires an “I message.” A “you message” puts you inside the other guy's intimate space.

Introducing “two circles” “Suppose I take a great big magic marker. We’ll draw a big circle around you, Jane, and another around you, John. ‘I messages’ are about your own feelings. They come from inside your circle. ‘You messages’ put you inside the other guy's circle.” “Talking from inside your own circle makes it much easier for the other guy to hear you without getting defensive. It's not a guarantee! But stepping into another person's circle, almost always guarantees that they will get defensive! I’m going to ask you each to stay in your own circle. I’ll help you.”

When one person steps into the other's circle, stop the action “John, can I interrupt for a second? I know you want to get heard. You might have noticed Jane got really defensive. Remember that circle thing? You just accidentally stepped inside Jane's circle. Let's try that again. I’ll help. How about starting with, ‘It's hard for me when …”’

Separate Assumptions from Data

“I feel that you don't care” is not a feeling. It is an assumption about what is happening inside the other person. Assumptions are stories we make up about what the other person intended, or thought, or felt. Data is what a Martian anthropologist, standing there with her clipboard, would actually see or hear.

A Metaphor for Having Two Different Points of View

Stepfamily structure gives each family member a very different view of the action. “Both of you are sitting here in the same room. Suppose you, Sally, are looking out my window. You see a large broken branch about to fall on your car. You, Steve, are facing the yellow wall behind me. Sally expresses her anxiety about the falling branch. You, Steve, see only the yellow wall. So, you insist that there is no problem! It would be easy to argue over who is right. And what would happen?”

A Few Words about Anger

Many people confuse expressing anger with “being real.” Anger is full of information about what we don't like, what isn't OK, and where our boundaries have been crossed. It is important not to silence this powerful source of information. However, when we speak from anger, we speak with more force than most people can bear. We need to speak on behalf of anger, in a caring, or at least a calm, way. As my colleague Beverly Reifman says, “Anger is information for you to listen to, inside of you. Anger is not something you throw at the other person.”

Anger generally protects something much more vulnerable—sadness, hurt, or longing. Giving voice to the longing under the anger can be helpful. Jane is furious that John “ignored” her while he chatted with his kids at the dinner table. “Jane, it sounds like you were longing for John to notice that you were left out. Is that right?”

Gottman 101

John Gottman has spent a lifetime identifying the behaviors that differentiate long-term, satisfied, happy “master” couples from those who are unhappy, have affairs, and/or who divorce. His findings are clear and concrete. Much of his writing is accessible to the general public (Gottman, 1994, 1999, 2006, 2011).2 My clients and supervisees find these pointers extremely useful. Most also apply to parent–child relationships.

5:1

In the happiest, most long-lasting relationships, positive moments outweigh negative ones by a ratio of five positive to one negative.3 For example, John wants to go to the movies. Jane does not want to go, but she responds warmly, “That's a great idea. Can we make another time to do it?” Had she flatly replied, “I have to work,” or, “What makes you think I’d want to do that?” she would have created a negative moment. (FYI: Skills such as joining and Soft/Hard/Soft can shift potentially negative interactions to the positive side of the ledger.)

Low tolerance for hurtful behavior

Successful couples do not accept hurtful behavior from each other. The lower the level of tolerance for bad behavior from the beginning, the happier the couple is down the road.

Use a soft start-up with touchy subjects

Master couples do not launch a tough conversation with criticism or contempt. They use a “soft start-up.” (Soft/Hard/Soft provides a structure for this.)

Turn toward, not away or against

Gottman differentiates between “turning toward” a partner, “turning away” (deflecting, responding too concretely, or missing the point), and “turning against” (“What makes you think I’d want to do that?”). We create intimacy and wellbeing by turning toward, as Jane did, above, when she lovingly turned down her husband's invitation.

Edit

The happiest couples avoid sharing every angry or critical thought, especially when discussing touchy subjects. “One zinger erases many positive acts of kindness.”

Exit

Successful couples exit arguments before they spiral out of control. “Let's take a break and come back to this.”

Repair

Master couples come back to difficult moments and repair. (“Oops, I guess I was a bit sharp, huh! “)

Seek help early

Most couples wait at least six years beyond when they need help, by which time it may be too late. Seeking help early gives much better results.

The “four horsemen of the apocalypse” “Negatives will increase over time unless the couple learns skills to counteract them” (Markman, et al., 2010, p. 290). Gottman has identified four behaviors that reliably predict divorce. He calls them “the four horsemen of the apocalypse”: criticism, contempt (“sulfuric acid” to relationships), defensiveness, and stonewalling (Gottman, 1999).

Conclusion

“Communication … is vital to the creation and maintenance of a strong stepfamily,” says Tamara Afifi (2008, p. 304). Good interpersonal skills differentiate flourishing stepfamilies from struggling ones. On this level, we are working to shift negative communication patterns that corrode relationships, to positive patterns that build connection and intimacy.

Chapter 16 Level III

A Toolbox for Intrapsychic Work

DOI: 10.4324/9780203813645-16

This chapter looks at when and how to move into working on the intrapsychic level, briefly discusses a range of therapeutic approaches, offers some suggestions about making good referrals, and explores some of the issues involved in doing individual psychotherapy within couples treatment. Let's begin by repeating Papernow's Bruise Theory of Feelings: If you hit your arm in a place where the flesh is healthy, it hurts! However, if there is a bruise there, it hurts in an entirely different way. If it is a very deep bruise, even touching that spot may drive you right over the edge.

Most of us carry some unhealed wounds from early family life. Our brains are designed to tuck these experiences away, out of awareness. This can work well enough until current events bump into the injured place and an internal door flies open. We all long for intimate relationships to be places of safety and sanctuary. Still, even the best of them have moments of disappointment, misunderstanding, or hurt. Good relationships are marked by the ability to recover and repair after one of these moments. However, when stepfamily challenges hit deep old bruises, the pain can put affection, perspective, and creative problem solving entirely out of reach. Work on the first two levels will help. However, it is very likely that psychoeducation and skills will not hold until we bring some healing resources to those re-opened wounds.1

The Signal to Shift into Level III: That “Looping Looping” Feeling

When, despite information and skill building, the system remains stuck, it is time to turn away from focusing on outside events (the behavior of a partner, child, or ex-spouse), and toward exploring the person's internal world. Shifting to this deeper level requires what Dick Schwartz calls a “U-turn” inside (Schwartz, 1995, 2001, 2008). The cue to begin shifting into intrapsychic work is a “looping, looping, looping” feeling, a sense that “we’ve been over this already.” Here are some examples:

When information doesn't stick

In Chapter 4, Jody Jenkins and Duane King learned about Jody's daughter Jenna's sense of loss. They responded with, “No wonder she's having such a hard time!” In contrast, Len Powell, the older recoupler in Chapter 11, appeared to accept my gentle explanation about why his young adult daughter was not happy for him. However, Len arrived at the next session, and the next, asking yet again, “Why isn't she happy for me?”

When information is triggering

Jody and Duane easily embraced the suggestion to increase one-to-one time throughout their new family, happily using it to steer their ship off the rocks and into clear waters. The same information sparked bitter disappointment for the widow Connie Chen: “Why would I want to do that?” Connie may never like her outsider position. However, beginning to heal her long-buried childhood experience of abandonment enabled her to step up to this challenge with considerably more equanimity and grace.

When skills don't hold: “I get it in my head but …”

In Chapter 7, Eric Emery fully understood that, to be more effective with his ex-wife Bonnie, he needed to cool off and speak in short simple sentences. Still, within a couple of minutes of any contact with Bonnie, Eric's otherwise excellent interpersonal skills disappeared in a deluge of anger. The question, “What happens inside when …?” ultimately brought us back to the trauma of living with his own alcoholic mother's inadequate parenting. As Eric began repairing his own deeply-rooted pain, he found that he was significantly less reactive to Bonnie's failures, and considerably more able to respond effectively.

When emotional arousal remains very high, or very low

In Chapter 5, the widower Burt Czinsky fervently wished to comfort his grieving son Brandon. However, in the face of his son's despair, Burt found himself reflexively shutting down. Changing this pattern required revisiting and actively engaging with his own childhood anguish.

Laying the Groundwork

Start right away with, “What happens inside when …?”

Stepfamily stories have lots of players who do many upsetting things. The challenges are real and evocative. It is important to honor all of this. It is also important to build awareness that external events trigger internal processes that can play a significant role in what happens next. To lay the groundwork for this, I begin early with the question, What happens inside you when …

… your partner gets totally absorbed in his son?

… your stepdaughter doesn't say hello?

… you feel your husband isn't firm enough with his kids?

Early in the work, empathize fully with the feelings. Then move from there into psychoeducation or skill building

Early on, affective connection normalizes the challenge, and supports the work on the first two levels: “It is so painful to be left out over and over in your own home. It turns out, in stepfamilies, there are stuck insiders—that's your wife—and stuck outsiders—that's you. Does that sound familiar?” Or: “It's quite a jolt, isn't it—so many differences in so many things you both thought were ‘no brainers’? Now, how about taking a breath. See if you can take in what Jane just said and let her know what you heard.”

Use the Language of Parts

“It looks like there's a part of you that just shut down. Do you recognize that?” The language of parts is a reminder that the “critical” part (or numbing part, or angry part) is only one part of a whole being. The language of parts can lift the shame of “being a judgmental person” or “being an angry person” and free us to get curious about what is happening. Protective parts do create significant havoc. However, it is important to remember that even the most nasty-l ooking parts are trying to be helpful. They stepped into their extreme roles at a time when there was no safe, comforting grownup to provide protection or comfort. The language of parts seeds curiosity about the part's original function in the system.2

Tracking sequences of parts also illuminates the relationship between a protective part and the much more vulnerable place that it is earnestly trying to defend. “And what happens inside of you when John goes flat?” Jane says, “I get hurt.” I ask, “And then what do you say to yourself?” Jane says, “I guess I say, ‘See, he doesn't love you.’ ” “And then?” Jane says, “Then I get really scared.” I say, “So then there's a really scared part of you? And then what do you do?” “I guess I go numb.” “Then a numbing part of you steps in front of the scared part, and takes over? Then what happens?” “I withdraw and he gets mad.”

Tracking this emotional choreography within a relationship builds perspective about stuck interpersonal patterns. When sitting with more than one person, turn to the other(s) and continue tracking. “So do you know that numbing part of John? When that part of John shows up, what happens inside of you?” In Chapter 11, we tracked a repetitive cycle between Len Powell's Explainer part and his daughter Lindsay's Hammering part. In his individual work, Len began freeing that Explainer from its protective role. As he did so, Len's increasing capacity to bear his own vulnerability enabled him to listen more empathically to his daughter. Lindsay had her own internal work to do; but as she felt her dad really hearing her, the need to “hammer” to get through to him softened.3

Moving into a “U-turn”

First, and always, fully validate the powerful feelings the challenge creates

To a stuck outsider: “Nobody would like this stuck outsider position. Getting left out over and over and over in such an up close and personal way, would be hard for anybody.”

To a stepparent pulled into authoritarian parenting: “It is so natural to want to step in and put things right. It's what adults in families are expected to do! It is challenging for any stepparent to pull back from disciplining, especially when there are so many things that just seem wrong to you.”

To a parent: “Hearing that your ex is saying horrible untrue things about you to your daughter would be torture for any parent.”

And … “… and something about this is knocking your socks off.” “… and it seems that something about your ex-husband's behavior is frying your wires so badly that your wise mind goes completely off-line.”

Make an invitation to turn inside

Sharing “Papernow's Bruise Theory of Feelings” (page 187) removes some of the shame of these intense, often hard-to-control, responses. Then, “What if we could heal what's hurting?” “What if you could be your wisest self with your partner/your child?”

Sometimes Increasing Awareness Is All That Is Needed

When the bruises are not too deep, simply recognizing the past hurts that are being triggered by stepfamily issues can lessen reactivity. Invitations that lead to awareness are: “Who were the insiders and the outsiders in the family you came from?” “What was parenting like in the family you grew up in?” “In the family you grew up in, how were differences handled?”

As the client makes contact with the bruise that is getting whacked, “No wonder this so hard for you! You have a double whammy! I wonder if, even for a moment, we can make a little more space between that painful experience with your dad, and this moment here with your husband? How are they similar? And how are they different?”

For Jody Jenkins and Duane King, exploring the historical roots of their parenting differences was enough to loosen the logjam between them. This would not have been sufficient for Connie Chen and Burt Czinsky.

When Awareness Is Not Enough

When old bruises are very deep, and they are located in a spot that gets hit by stepfamily challenges, the flood of toxic feelings and beliefs can be overwhelming. These cases require a skilled trauma-trained clinician. For those who are trauma-trained, here are some invitations leading to deeper trauma work: “How about we pay attention to that feeling inside when she …” “See if you can find that numbing place in your body. Let's just pay attention together.” “If that numbing part of you didn't step in so quickly, any sense of what you’d be feeling?”

If you do not have good trauma training, use the steps above to encourage a referral. Use the following information to find the right therapist: Effective trauma treatment must safely contact the parts of the brain where trauma is stored and build a connection with the regulatory centers in the brain. Treatment modalities that do this include: Internal Family Systems (Schwartz, 1995, 2001); Diana Fosha's AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy) (Fosha, 2000); Sensorimotor therapy (Ogden, Minton, & Pain, 2006); EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) (Shapiro, 2001); trauma-focused hypnosis; and Sue Johnson's Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (Johnson, 2004). All of these have websites that list certified therapists.

Practice Patience, and Persistence

Some people eagerly accept the invitation to embark on this kind of healing journey. However, as you saw throughout this book, very often, initial invitations to travel toward long-buried pain are rejected. I often repeat the series of steps toward a U-turn many times before my suggestion to move inward, or to act on a referral, is accepted. “I’m done with that old stuff.” “This is not about the past.” This can be very frustrating for therapists. It can help to remember that for a traumatized child with no soothing adult to turn to, learning how to push away the pain was infinitely preferable to helpless hysteria. For an adult who survived by “holding it together,” returning to profound sadness, sheer terror, massive shame, or howling aloneness, does not seem like a good idea at all.

Holding the Hard Ones

When patience and persistence do prevail, the work is inspiring and deeply moving. When they do not, it can be heartbreaking. Some people just “don't want to go there.” The Roller Coaster stepmother you met in Chapter 13, who could not stop railing against her husband, was one of these. These are my toughest and most humbling cases. As therapists, these are the places where we most need the support and care of our colleagues to hold the hard ones.

Doing Individual Work within Couples Therapy

In couples therapy, I often work with one individual in front of his or her partner. Initially, if this is too unsafe, I refer to a trauma-trained colleague or I intersperse individual sessions with couples work. When the emotional weather gets a little calmer, more of the individual work can be done in couples sessions. If reactivity remains extremely high, or extremely low, I believe that couples work is not therapeutic. Significant individual therapy will be necessary before couples work can proceed.

Some Guidelines for Doing Individual Intrapsychic Work within Couples Therapy

I say to my clients, “Doing individual work in front of a partner can be invaluable, touching, and rich. It is also the ultimate in vulnerability. We need to make sure it is safe for both of you.” Here are some guidelines that I use:

Before the work: Check carefully to see how open-hearted the listener feels. Welcome the listener to voice any sense that he or she is not up to doing this right now. Likewise, with the person doing the work, explore and address any concerns about emotional safety, etc.

During the work: I ask the listener to wave a finger and stop us if he or she is getting triggered, shutting down, etc. I remind myself to check frequently for nonverbal clues that the listener is becoming overwhelmed or agitated.

Outside the office: It is vital to establish rules for handling this vulnerable material outside the office. My rules are: It is up to each partner to refer to his or her own internal work. It is off limits for one partner to say to the other, “I think your abandoned little girl is running this show.” The rule is: If you are upset with your partner, you can talk about your own experience (i.e., “I’m having a hard time with this conversation,” “I’m feeling overwhelmed”). You can make a request (“Can we take a breath and try this again more calmly?”). You cannot talk about the other person's internal world.

In addition to those above, the following may also be helpful:

Bring individual work back into the couple

Ask the listener: “How was that to listen in on?” “John, what do you understand better about Jane's experience of being stuck between two people she loves? Can you tell her?” “Jane, what is it like to feel John getting this? Can you turn to him and tell him?”

Catch the bullets

Sometimes, despite all precautions, a partner responds dismissively or with hostility, to a partner's deep work. Sue Johnson describes “catching the bullet” when this happens (2004). “John, this is so hard to hear, isn't it. Hard to hear that Jane would see you as (her critical rejecting father). Can you give her a couple of sentences about how hard it is for you to hear that she thinks of you in that way?”

What about bias?

Some clinicians have very strict rules against combining individual treatment with couple or family therapy. Especially when the issues lie on all three levels, I find the combination of individual and couples therapy to be extremely effective and powerful. The concern is usually that the relationship with one person will “bias” the therapist against other family members. Every clinician needs to work in a way that aligns with his or her own values, skills, and training. As long as I can maintain full compassion for every player in the system, I find that the individual work actually gives me more leverage in the couples therapy to help my clients stretch beyond their old bruises. I have several cases where I am doing weekly trauma treatment with one person, meeting every other week with the couple, and occasionally meeting alone with the other partner.

What about secrets?

Meeting with individual members of a couple raises the subject of secrets. Many couples therapists refuse to hold secrets between partners. I have borrowed my rule about this from Janis Abrahms Spring. My up front contract with the couple is that I will not divulge anything the other does not wish me to share. If an individual has a secret, I may explore the pros and cons with them of being honest. I may coach a partner about how to share a potentially devastating secret with care and tenderness. Spring warns that if we insist on telling all, our clients will very likely withhold critical information from us. I would rather hold a complex boundary than work with one hand tied behind my back.

Parental Intrapsychic Work Is Not Appropriate in Front of Kids

A parent's intrapsychic work is sometimes essential to meeting their children's needs. It may be appropriate for a parent to witness and support a child's internal work, if the child is willing. The reverse is not appropriate.

Becoming a Stepfamily Is a Process, Not an Event

Becoming a stepfamily is a process, not an event, counted in years, not days or months. We now know a lot about that process, and about what steers stepfamilies toward success. This book aims to put that knowledge into the hands of all those who can make a difference.

Chapter 17 Working with Stepfamily Members Over Time

An Overview

DOI: 10.4324/9780203813645-17

For both therapists and nonclinicians, work with stepfamily members varies in intensity, frequency, and length. When the focus is primarily psychoeducation, a few meetings can normalize the particular challenge(s) and provide key strategies for meeting them. Some of these folks return later for help with other step- family issues, or for work on other levels. Long-term help for relationships almost always moves among the challenges and weaves between levels.

I meet with many of my stepfamily clients in cycles. We may begin by focusing intensively on a particular set of hot spots, come to a resting point and then take a break. Months or years later we may reconvene for another round when a new issue arises, or an old one resurfaces in a later developmental context. Each cycle may extend for a few sessions, for several months, or over several years. The work may include various combinations of family members. Occasionally, even very deep intrapsychic work requires just a few highly focused meetings. However, when conflict is high, if there is underlying trauma, or other major clinical issues, a regular, secure, and reliable therapeutic relationship is essential.

Again, meeting with a whole stepfamily is usually more likely to be destructive than constructive. This is true not only for therapists, but for school counselors, ministers and rabbis, lawyers, judges, mediators, post-divorce parenting coordinators, nurses, and physicians. What soothes the reactivity in one relationship will raise the emotional temperature in another. Meeting in subsystems and/or rotating among individual stepfamily members allows stepparents to share their feelings without inflicting further damage upon stepparent–stepchild relationships. It permits stepcouples and ex-spouses to deal with their differences without exposing children to conflict, and leaves parents free to give full attention to their children's upset, without protecting or defending stepparents, and vice versa.

Especially when I am meeting with more than one person, I begin by asking each person what they would most like me to help with. I also ask, “Is there anything that you don't want to have happen here?” When stepcouples arrive overwhelmed, I usually begin with the insider/outsider challenge, and/or by using joining to help them calm down and get connected.

To track the complexity, I begin drawing a genogram from the very first moment of contact with every client. The genograms in this book are intentionally simple, to offer a quick grasp of each family. The genograms in my patient folders are much more detailed. They hold the critical information about my clients and their relationships with the intimate others in their lives. I keep them stapled to the inside front flap of each client's folder where they are always visible to me. I continually add to them as I learn more.

Many helping professionals are trained to begin with “a complete history.” However, stepfamily members come with an urgent need for help. Just as important, a therapeutic relationship of any kind begins with undoing aloneness. Taking a full history in the first session or two satisfies neither of these goals. That said, context and history matter. What is stuck in the present may be richly informed by family-of-origin, extended family relationships, social context, and legacies that extend over many generations. I do gather a full family history in all of my long-term cases. However, I do it over time.

How much background information you gather will depend on your role, and the depth of your involvement. My “bare bones questions” are: Who is in your stepfamily? How long have you been together? Which children are in the household full-time and part-time? I fill in the rest of the questions as we go. (The Best Practices Sections of Chapters 3 through 7 include assessment questions that focus on each challenge.)

As we go along, I expand the picture of the adults’ families of origin: How many siblings do you have? Which number are you? What is each of your siblings doing now? Alcoholic, drug-addicted, or jailed siblings may hint at a family trauma history. If all are doctors or lawyers, I tuck away a possible clue about pressure to achieve, etc. I also frame questions related to the particular challenges we are focusing upon: Who were the insiders and outsiders in your family? What was parenting like in your family? How did your family handle differences?

I also ask questions related to skills and bruises: If you were sad as a child, what did you do? When your parents were unhappy with each other, what happened? Growing up in an extremely critical, shaming, or abusive family may make even very destructive behavior seem “normal.” Conversely, a hint of conflict may read as a danger signal that launches a raft of parts stepping up to defend the system. I may note, in my genogram, that a stuck outsider stepmother's brother was the family favorite, or that one of the adults had a hostile, frightening older brother. If reactivity persists, I have recorded some clues about where to look.

Chapter 18 Conclusion

DOI: 10.4324/9780203813645-18

By its very nature, neither a good life nor good therapy follows a simple formula. The dynamics of stepfamily relationships only multiply the intricacies. Whether you are a helping professional or a stepfamily member, it is my deepest wish that this book will support you in finding your empathy for both insiders and outsiders, for the struggles of children and their impact on adults, for both parents and stepparents, for all sides of a disagreement, and for both sides of an ex-spouse relationship. Whatever your role, I hope that what you have learned here helps you to hold the door open for the possibility of connection and mutual understanding. I hope that the clinical work in this book deepens your faith in the human capacity for healing.

Every stepfamily brings its own set of complex interlocking relationships and its own distinctive strengths and vulnerabilities. I have tried to capture both the uniqueness of these families and the recurring patterns. My intention has been to convey the intensity of the challenges inherent in stepfamily relationships and to also provide positive pictures of meeting them. Although stepfamily structure can make “blending” a cruel fantasy, it should now be abundantly clear that stepfamilies can, and do, meet their challenges and, with time, patience, and understanding, they form satisfying, nourishing relationships.