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STORIES OF PERSONAL COMPASSION AND BEING ALLIES

19

Personal Compassion and Alliance Building

Observations of an Asian American Professor

MATIHEW R. MOCK, PH.D.

"RACISM. GETTING SICK WASN'T OUR FAULT.

BUT GETTING WELL IS OUR RESPONSIBILITY"

(ANONYMOUS)

A STORY OF AN INCIDENT I OBSERVED

One day, after teaching a graduate psychology class, I went to a major depart- ment store to do some gift shopping for the holidays. I observed an incident that still stands out in my mind today. Although what I observed from close by took just a few minutes, I can replay it frame by frame as though it were hap- pening in slow motion. Clearly, what I witnessed had an impact on me.

After perusing the departments for a while, I observed a man in his mid- to late-thirties looking in the cases of the jewelry department. The man, appear- ing to be Asian American, had also caught my attention because few Asian Americans live in the immediate and surrounding areas. This man was casually dressed and wore a trench coat because it recently had been raining sporadically. He seemed quite acculturated, perhaps even native born. I overheard his con- versation with an Asian American woman and a child (perhaps his wife and daughter) agreeing to shop separately for a while. As soon as his wife took the escalator upstairs, heading for another department, I observed the man become keenly focused on some earrings in one of the jewelry cases.

The jewelry cases were situated in a rectangle around the service and pur- chase area. On this particular day, the department-store salesperson was a woman who appeared to be White and in her mid-fifties. Because it was the holidays, the store and jewelry departments were bustling. After careful scrutiny, the Asian American man seemed to make his decision about his

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156 PART II ISSUES RELATED TO PRIVILEGE, OPPRESSION, AND DISCRIMINATION

purchase of some onyx earrings and waited in what was now a short line that was forming. He checked his watch. I thought that perhaps he was making certain that he had time to make his purchase before his wife and child re- turned to the shopping area.

Two other customers, one a man and the other a woman, who both ap- peared to be White, individually made their purchases. Now the only one left in line, the Asian American man waited for the saleswoman's attention and his turn to be served. However, instead of assisting this man, the saleswoman left the immediate counter and register, and instead went to serve a woman, also White, who had just come to another side of the counter to ask a question. It was as though the saleswoman looked but did not see the man, so she turned away! The saleswoman opened one of the cases at the female customer's request to show her some watches. She then proceeded to assist this customer in mak- ing her department-store credit-card purchase, as she had the previous male and female customers. Afterward, instead of returning to the Asian American man at the register, she answered the questions from a man passing through the de- partment. It was as though the Asian American customer was invisible or non- existent. Despite the fact that these customers were being given attention and service out of turn, the man waited patiently.

Finally, upon returning to assist the Asian American man, the saleswoman made no mention that she had passed him by and put him off. He pointed to the earrings he had carefully selected, indicating that he wanted to also use his store credit card for the purchase. The woman stepped over to the register and swiped the card in the crediting machine, all the while studying the man up and down and carefully scrutinizing his face. After a pause, she came back to the man, requesting his signature on the credit-card slip. To this, he routinely com- plied. She looked at the signature carefully, paused, and then commented, "I'm sorry. Please sign again." He signed once more, only to have her react with an audible sigh and then request, "I must see your driver's license or some other form of identification." In response, the Asian American man looked at her somewhat perplexed, but after a brief pause cooperated anyway. After collect- ing his driver's license, stepping away and studying it against his store credit-slip signature, the saleswoman returned from the register. By this time, a small line had formed behind the man. The saleswoman said firmly in a lowered voice, drawing the man closer, "Please sign again. Only this time, make an effort to sign it like your license!" Clearly more flustered, the man complied once again, but first commenting, "I did not see you request this of the prior customers. And is showing a picture identification store policy?" To this, the saleswoman iterated her stance for a "careful" signature. She responded assertively to him, but with careful, slowed, and purposely formed words, as though he might not understand English. Hoping to draw the man closer to her to not be within earshot of others, she spoke as though she were sharing a secret with him. At a near whisper, she said in a patronizing tone, "Please, sir. This is for your own good!" Following this brief dialogue, the interaction finally broke off with the man hurrying away at last with his purchase, once again searching for the time on his watch. .

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ARTICLE 19 PERSONAL COMPASSION AND ALLIANCE BUILDING 157

REFLECTIONS AND CONSIDERATIONS

After reading this story, many of you will appropriately express some form of shock or disbelief at the way this man was treated. Others of you will rec- ognize this type of treatment as personal to your own experience. Some of you will assume that there must be more to the story than was witnessed and recounted, for such blatant mistreatment does not occur without a reason. Still others of you may not associate this treatment with racial discrimination at all.

Consider your response. Also consider the following questions, some of which you may have asked yourself after reading this story: How do you know the salesperson was discriminating against this Asian American man? Was this really a racist interaction? Was it about skin color or appearance, tone of voice,genderJacial expressions, or perceived socioeconomic status, or was it something about this man ~ assumed attitude? Would it have made a difference if there had not been the earlier slights, invisibility, or acts of disrespect, dehumanization, or marginalization? Finally, consider other ques- tions you had that could be added to this list.

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AN IMPORTANT REVELATION

There is an important sidebar to my story and its concluding events. I was ac- tually not just an idle witness to this event. I did not just observe this from afar. This was an actual event that happened to me. I was that Chinese American man, in the department store, with my family, shopping like other families do. Ifelt the saleswoman had discriminated against me.

By way of self-introduction, I am a third-generation, Chinese American, heterosexual man. I earned my bachelor's degree in psychology, with a child and education focus, from Brown University, and master's and doctorate de- grees in clinical and consulting psychology from the California School of Pro- fessional Psychology in the California Bay Area. I grew up bicultural in the company of many siblings, with few material or monetary resources, but with textured life experiences that enriched my growth and development. I recall that our family was one of the few Asian American families in the entire com- munity, especially during my early, formative years.

Professionally, for more than 15 years now, I have been director of Family, Youth and Children's Mental Health in Berkeley, California, a program that provides services to the poor, working poor, or those often most marginalized . One of my other major roles is that of system-wide ethnic services and cultural competency coordinator for the City of Berkeley.

Also, as a professor of psychology and director of the Cross Cultural Coun- seling program in the Graduate School of Professional Psychology at John F Kennedy University in Orinda, California, I am committed to imparting knowledge to graduate students in ways that enrich their multicultural per- spectives and their contributions to social justice. I give invited workshops and talks nationally and abroad.

158 PART II ISSUES RELATED TO PRIVILEGE, OPPRESSION, AND DISCRIMINATION

As a Chinese American family, one of our core values is teaching and learn- ing about compassion and empathy toward others. Living in the Bay Area of California, we are never lacking in situations that remind us of the great im- portance and imperatives of striving toward equality in how we, and others, are treated. Knowing and telling personal stories past and present, and creating fu- ture possibilities for us as a family are extremely important. Itry to impart some of these stories as inspirations for my workshop attendees or graduate students. Whether it is in my personal or professional life, I feel I am addressing issues of combating racism and discrimination on a daily basis. Sometimes, personal and professional experiences closely interweave.

"THE REST OF THE STORY"

There is an addendum to my department store story. As Ileft the store and felt the coolness of the outside air, Ihad a moment of clarity and inner strength. I questioned what had happened in just a few minutes' time. I paused to think about who I am and what I stand for: I am a professor and somewhat promi- nent multicultural psychotherapist who advocates for equality and social justice for others. I am a husband and a father. I am teaching my young daughter to speak up for herself as well as for others. Iknow all too well the historical legacy of Asian American mistreatment, and what things might be done to help stop the cycle of discriminatory interactions. I thought to myself: For my daughter Rachel, my family, for others, and for myself, I cannot let this incident go by without having my voice heard. Now the coolness of the outside air contrasted with the warmth of my face and mounting, renewed spirit.

With these internal, yet firm and grounded feelings hard to put into exact words, I trudged back into the large, bustling department store, past the fancy displays, sparkling boxes of costume jewelry, and holiday-wrapped colognes and perfumes. As Igot closer to the jewelry counter, the saleswoman with whom I had interacted had been joined by another saleswoman. The added representa- tive was now helping customers on the opposite side of the counter to make their purchases. The saleswoman with whom I had interacted seemed to be counting receipts and perhaps preparing to take a break. As I walked toward her counter, she recognized me immediately and leaned toward me although some- what cautiously from a safe distance. Summoning up my feeling of being more grounded and strong inside, Iassertively said to her, "In that interaction before, you were not respectful to me. First, you passed me by as though I was invisi- ble. Then you treated me differently than you treated other customers. As a pro- fessional, Isign many things. Iquestion if you ask all of your customers equally for their signature multiple times, and for their identification or license, and then respond to them as you did to me. I did not appreciate your condescend- ing demeanor. Please think about this." Although I kept a clear, calm, firm yet steady voice, her face registered some shock and dismay. IfI had to guess, I think her reaction was because I had actually taken time to address her about what had happened. Feeling satisfied with my verbal assertion, we then parted ways.

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IINATION ARTICLE 19 PERSONAL COMPASSION AND ALLIANCE BUILDING 159

:hing and learn- the Bay Area of of the great im- , and others, are and creating fu- . to impart some aduate students. lressing issues of es, personal and

Upon realizing that I was a bit overdue to meet up with my wife and daugh- ter, Iturned from the counter, taking a few quick steps away. Sweeping through the narrow aisle of holiday merchandise, my open trench coat caught some of the neatly displayed and stacked boxes of jewelry pins, tumbling all of them to the floor. Pausing to pick up the mess Ihad just made in my haste, Ihalf-wondered if the saleswoman in witnessing this would mistake my actions and have her fin- ger on the phone ready to call security. Suddenly, after apparently witnessing much of what had transpired, aWhite female customer knelt down beside me and helped me pick up the few remaining small boxes. Kneeling side-by-side, she gently said to me, "I saw what happened to you. I was shopping, too, and I was a few customers behind you in line. The way she treated you was not fair or right. I am sorry. I will also say something on your behalf" We stood together briefly , sharing small smiles of personal, connected acknowledgement. I thanked her sim- . ply before we parted. To this day, when I think about this scenario, I feel warmth' at the personal compassTOn~(;f this anonymous woman, her words, and our non-e-

, verbal connection. I recognize an ally.We choose our battles and sometimes who' • will participate in the struggle, While I have gone to the store management in t similar situations, during this one Ilet go to have an ally carry on where Ileft off. This partial ending brings me hope and renewed energy, even optimism, .,--

re store and felt nner strength, I oaused to think newhat promi- Ild social justice ng daughter to listoricallegacy ne to help stop or my daughter incident go by e air contrasted

CONNECTING OUR STORIES

OF PERSONAL COMPASSION "'h. 1

We each have multiple identities, including ethnicity, gender, race, sexual ori- , entation, religion or faith, professional status, abilities, and others. To be aware of which of these statuses earns us relative power and influence in different con- texts is essential. These interactions of enacted power become manifest in our lives in many ways. We can also understand ways to teach and learn what might be done in similar situations (Adams, Bell, & Griffin, 1997; Creighton & Kivel, 1992). I share my personal scenario with the saleswoman, but I end with the fe- male customer who took the time to help me as an ally, to emphasize the fact that even small acts of personal compassion have larger meanings in collective ef- forts to achieve social justice. Not only do the events themselves, but sometimes even the invalidation that can occur in the retelling, perpetuate feeling hurt. Small slights, like small nicks or cuts, lead to feelings of pent up rage or perhaps more appropriately, outrage for the continued injustices. It is critical for individ- uals to begin exercising personal compassion, getting others to understand at a deep, personal level what it means to be treated differently, and to understand how differential treatment is related to power and privilege (McIntosh, 1988; Pinderhughes, 1989), and to the conscious or unconscious perpetuation of acts of racism, discrimination, and oppression. We have to consider strategies to con- structively address negative acts of others. For me, empowering people with a sense of hope and the ability to take personal action are the true meanings of what it means to be "PC"-not to be politically correct but instead to be personally compassionate (Mock, 1999; Mock, 2002). It is with small acts of one individual,

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160 PART II ISSUES RELATED TO PRIVILEGE, OPPRESSION, AND DISCRIMINATION

and the combined personal acts of hundreds that we can construct lasting al- liances toward change.

FINDING OUR OWN PERSONAL COMPASSION

TOWARD ANOTHER

The events of September 11, 2001, had a profound impact on us all. Like many people, I cancelled many flight plans right after that date, thinking about the planes that were used as projectiles to bring down the towers of the World Trade Center in New York City, and all the people inside. I had been home watching television as that tragedy unfolded. I had tried to co- ordinate efforts through my clinic and school programs to help children and families cope with all the feelings of profound sadness, fear, anger, loss, con- fusion, and anxiety.

Nonetheless, as weeks passed, Iwas able to fly once again. On one of these trips to give a workshop presentation, Ifound myself on a full flight of passen- gers. As we all settled in, Inoticed that one of the last individuals to get seated was a Middle-Eastern-appearing woman slightly younger than L She sat two rows in front of me in a window seat. The flight proceeded without anything unusual, except midway through, when there was a slight bit of turbulence.

Shortly after this turbulence began, the Middle-Eastern woman got up from her window seat as though to go to the restroom at the rear of the plane. She walked briskly with downcast eyes. I noticed several people around me look- ing up from their reading or talking, acknowledging her passing. After several minutes, she returned. However, as the flight proceeded, she asked to be ex- cused by her neighboring passengers once again to use the restroom. She had tissues in one hand and appeared to be dabbing at her face. After some moments of seemingly collective silence among those around her, she returned once more. The flight proceeded as expected, with the usual courtesies from the flight crew; and as the plane descended toward landing, the warning to be seated and secure seat belts was announced. A short time after the pilot made this an- nouncement, the Middle-Eastern woman arose quickly once again, hurrying to the rear cabin restroom, this time carrying a small purse. Heads turning, sev- eral passengers seemed to take additional note, as did one flight attendant. Af- ter some moments ticked by, the flight attendant went to check on the woman. Finally, the woman emerged, returned to her window seat, and the plane landed with a near-perfect, smooth touchdown.

What had just happened? Why did I, and others, feel as we did? Was what several of us fellow passengers felt collectively yet silently "normal" under the circumstances? Was feeling uncomfortable, or at least questioning, a reflection of fear, mistrust, or needing to be protected? How should we have voiced our concerns? And finally, what might the woman have been feeling, and was she aware of how others reacted? I silently toiled over some of these and other ques- tions as we got off the plane, walking on to get our baggage.

As we claimed our luggage coming off the turnstile, I noticed the Middle- Eastern woman a few passengers away from me. We picked up our bags at

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ARTICLE 19 PERSONAL COMPASSION AND ALLIANCE BUILDING 161

about the same time and then proceeded to the passenger pick-up area out- side. After sitting there side-by-side for a few awkward minutes, Ifinally broke the silence to say "hello" and make small talk. Within a few minutes, we had a readily flowing conversation, first about trivial matters of the day, and then eventually to national and worldwide events. She told me how she too had been affected by the tragedy in New York, by the violence and loss. She had resided in the Bay Area of California all of her life, and her parents had lived there for more than 20 years. Shortly after September 11th, she was cautioned by some of her Muslim neighbors about wearing clothes more readily identi- tying her as Middle-Eastern or Muslim. Her elderly mother, shopping one day as she usually did at her neighborhood grocery store, had her cart run into by another woman, supposedly as an "accident." She stopped shopping unless an- other family member accompanied her. A Muslim neighbor had also had an obscene gesture and verbal taunts made at her by teenagers as she was in her car at a stoplight.

With each of our rides due to arrive shortly, our conversation came around to her behavior on the plane, of how she got up several times. She went on to explain how she had to get up numerous times with an upset' stomach. She constantly felt the pressure of all eyes focusing on her, not just throughout this flight and other previous ones, but also by airport security who had carefully screened and checked her and her luggage twice before she' boarded. She even told me that at times recently she had a bloody nose, per- haps due to increased stress and feeling the silent yet highly palpable tension; of those around her. 1 '

As we talked and shared our stories, Ifelt a moment of closeness and com- monality with this relative stranger. Iexpressed how bad Ifelt and how hard it S must be for her, especially when others do not take time to acknowledge her 'v _- ~ or her feelings and experiences. I told her how I was glad that we had made ~ __--/~- brief contact to introduce ourselves to each other, to share brief snippets of each .- _ other's stories especially in the context of tense times. What she shared next I will not forget. She expressed thanks for my taking time to speak with her, to I check in about her welfare, and to engage her sincerely as a fellow human be- \ - ing with thoughts, feelings, and family history. She felt troubled with the si- \ - lence of others, but validation through our brief yet meaningful engagement. - Finally, as my ride arrived, we parted with short acknowledgements, and each headed home. .~-

Later that evening, upon reflection, Iexperienced a mixture of feelings. At l --- first, I felt bad for being one who experienced moments of tension on the .; flight. I also felt good for having taken the risk to engage this woman, which allowed us to get to know each other briefly and allowed me to share my feel- ings of personal compassion toward her and her family's experiences. Last, and perhaps most important for me, Iwas reminded how bein an ally or success-: - fully engaged with another erson eve recious moments me ns I

ita .ng risks, breakin from anon mi , findin and ivin humani bein o cu tural humili , and discoverin commonality across differences.

at mg t, m the warmth of my home, reading with my daughter unti s e:. fell asleep, I felt hopeful.

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162 PART II ISSUES RELATED TO PRIVILEGE, OPPRESSION, AND DISCRIMINATION

CONCLUSION

I give multicultural workshops, presentations, and trainings to a wide array of people, from graduate students to seasoned health and related professional au- diences who are primarily in mental health and related fields nationally and in- ternationally. No matter how many times I present the material or how large the audiences are to whom I give workshops on diversity and social justice, I often encounter forms of the same three questions. The first question is "Is fighting racism and oppression for equality primarily the work of people of color or of White people?" Another often asked question is "The history of dis- crimination and oppression in the United States is so long and hard, and I am just one person. What can I do to make a difference?" One other common question might be "What does someone need to do to make a difference when racist acts are still prevalent, covert and overt, and at so many levels of our so- ciety?" Although these questions are common, moving toward answers is a con- tinuous challenge.

Similar to what occurs in my classes, I hope the following teaching points have been articulated in this chapter:

1. Racism and discrimination have an impact on all people, no matter how much individuals have seemingly attained professionally.

2. Fighting racism, discrimination, and oppression for social equality is a battle for all of us, not just one person or group.

3. We all need allies in this hard, ongoing struggle. 4. I am committed to take the daily position that "linking arms" strengthens

stances against social injustices. I feel that not only should we take such a stand, but we must do so for our survival. We must move beyond simple political correctness to deep personal compassion leading to a better world for all present and future humanity.

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS

6) Discuss what you look to in order to decide whether someone's actions are discriminatory or not. At what point might you have determined that the saleswoman's behaviors were discriminatory toward the man?6Discuss the Asian American man's going back into the store. Do you feel he did enough to address the issue? What might he have done differently? If you were the man, what would you have done? Would you have done more (that is, go to management directly) or not? If not, why not?

3. Discuss the interchange from the perspective of the saleswoman and the man.

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