The Laramie project revision

Matthew Shepard's Death by Henry Qian

Submission date: 22-Apr-2018 09:58PM (UTC-0700) Submission ID: 951552039 File name: MatthewShepardDeath.docx (20.43K) Word count: 1696 Character count: 8857

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Include topic sentence

Analysis Needed, Less Summary

T it les

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Thesaurus abuse

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FINAL GRADE

58/100 Matthew Shepard's Death GRADEMARK REPORT

GENERAL COMMENTS

Instructor

PAGE 1

Comment 1

Missing Header

Comment 2

Henry- You have a strong argument. Make sure you are analyzing all of your evidence to f urther prove your claim. Also, be caref ul with MLA f ormatting. Any inf ormation you use in your essay that comes f rom an outside source needs to have an in- text citation.

- Ms. Parker, Tutorial in 2118

Comment 3

More than double spaced

Comment 4

Missing 3-part t it le

Comment 5

No comma needed

Add page number, not the year

Comment 6

QM

QM

QM

was gay

Comment 7

evolving claims? evolving ideas?

PAGE 2

Include topic sentence The topic sentence of each body paragraph should connect to your claim about the topic. Help your readers see the connection between this idea and your claim with a clear topic sentence.

Analysis Needed, Less Summary Less plot summary, more analysis.

Titles Titles of essays, articles, and poems should be in quotation marks. T it les of books, newspapers, magazines, and movies should be italicized or underlined.

Missing "," You may need to place a comma af ter this word.

S/V This subject and verb may not agree. Proof read the sentence to make sure the subject agrees with the verb.

PAGE 3

Comment 8

Missing in- text citations. Remember, any inf ormation you are using f rom an outside source (even if written in your own words) needs to have a citation.

Possessive You may need to use an apostrophe to show possession.

Comment 9

Explain how

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S/V This subject and verb may not agree. Proof read the sentence to make sure the subject agrees with the verb.

Missing "," You may need to place a comma af ter this word.

QM

Comment 10

Add concluding or transit ion sentence

Comment 11

Good transit ion!

Run-on This sentence may be a run-on sentence. Proof read it to see if it contains too many independent clauses or contains independent clauses that have been combined without conjunctions or punctuation. Look at the "Writer's Handbook" f or advice about correcting run- on sentences.

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Comment 12

Missing citation and analysis. Explain how your evidence proves your claim.

Hyph. You may need to add a hyphen between these two words.

Missing "," You may need to place a comma af ter this word.

Comment 13

Avoid 1st and 2nd person language

Missing "," You may need to place a comma af ter this word.

Thesaurus abuse Use only words which will exactly communicate your meaning.

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Comment 14

Works Cited Page

RUBRIC: RHETORICOFDRAMA ARGUMENT ESSAY

WRITING FOCUS

DISTINGUISHED (4)

PROFICIENT (3)

EMERGING (2)

INCOMPLETE (1)

ORGANIZATION

DISTINGUISHED (4)

PROFICIENT (3)

9 / 16

3 / 4

Max score 4

 The writer ef f ectively articulates a clear and convincing posit ion in response to the essay prompt.  Essay demonstrates a nuanced understanding of the issue addressed in the prompt and its complexit ies. Posit ion is argued with exceptional depth and insight.  Essay is thoroughly developed with well-chosen specif ic examples f rom The Laramie Project, The Book of Matt, and at least TWO additional sources.  Essay appeals directly and appropriately to the intended audience and is highly convincing.

 The writer adequately articulates a clear and convincing posit ion in response to the essay prompt.  At t imes, the essay demonstrates a suf f icient understanding of the issue addressed in the prompt and its complexit ies. Shows some depth and complex thought, but occasional lapses make the argument less convincing.  Essay is developed with specif ic examples f rom The Laramie Project, The Book of Matt, and at least TWO additional sources.  Essay appeals directly to the audience but is not entirely convincing f or this intended audience.

 The writer’ posit ion in response to the essay prompt is unclear or not convincing.  The essay demonstrates a plausible understanding of the issue but tends to ignore its complexit ies. Shows some depth and complex thought, but persistent lapses make the argument less convincing and at t imes contrived.  Essay uses insuf f icient examples f rom The Laramie Project, The Book of Matt, and additional research sources.  Minimal attention has been paid to the intended audience.

 The writer f ails to articulate a posit ion.  The essay demonstrates a lack of understanding of the issue itself , or of its complexit ies. Generalizations undermine the argument.  Essay uses one or two appropriate examples, or neglects examples altogether.  The essay consistently f ails to reach the intended audience.

2 / 4

Max score 4

 There is an ef f ective introduction that engages the reader, including a well-written hook and adequate background inf ormation.  A strong, well-written thesis statement addresses the writer’s posit ion related to the essay prompt.  Organization supports the argument and ideas are presented in the order most conducive to a coherent argument.  A counter argument is presented and adequately ref uted in the essay.  The powerf ul conclusion does not merely repeat the introduction, but instead synthesizes all of the ideas. The conclusion goes beyond mere summary and addresses the question “So what?”

 There is a clear introduction that introduces the argument, and includes a hook and adequate background inf ormation.  A clear, convincing thesis statement addresses the writer’s posit ion related to the essay prompt.  The organization of the piece does not f ully support the argument at some points. Organization at t imes detracts f rom the argument, but not to the extent that the ideas are obscured.  A

EMERGING (2)

INCOMPLETE (1)

USE OF LANG

DISTINGUISHED (4)

PROFICIENT (3)

EMERGING (2)

INCOMPLETE (1)

MLA/CONVENT.

DISTINGUISHED (4)

counter argument is presented and adequately addressed.  Conclusion ef f ectively summarizes main ideas, but may lack a compelling aspect.

 Introduction does not provide a clear sense of the argument’s direction, and may be missing an engaging hook and/or background inf ormation.  The thesis statement does not address the writer’s posit ion related to the essay prompt.  The organization of the piece does not support the argument at numerous points. Organization detracts f rom the argument to the extent that the ideas are sometimes obscured.  A counter argument is not presented or adequately addressed.  The conclusion is repetit ive, abrupt, or simply restates thesis.

 Introduction is vague or missing  A thesis statement does not exist or does not address the prompt.  Organization does not f ollow any clear pattern that enhances argument. Ideas appear haphazard and unorganized.  A counter argument is missing.  Conclusion may not adequately summarize main ideas or may be missing.

2 / 4

Max score 4

 Ideas are communicated in a consistently sophisticated manner.  Each aspect relates to thesis, providing coherence and continuity. Writ ing is smooth and skillf ul throughout the essay.  Sentences are well built with strong and varied structure that invites f luent reading.  Diction is at the appropriate level f or the audience. Indicators of sophistication include artf ul sentence construction, eloquent word choice appropriate f or the task, and masterf ul command of the English language.

 Ideas are communicated, but there is a lack of sophistication at t imes that keeps it f rom rising to the distinguished range.  Writ ing is smooth and coherent throughout most of the essay.  Most sentences are varied in length and style, with an occasional (2 or 3) repetit ion of sentence beginnings or a number of consecutive sentences of the same length or type. The sentence structure is generally correct, though some awkward sentences do appear.  Diction is mostly at the appropriate level f or the audience, but may have some examples of unsophisticated (vague, overused, overly simplistic) or poor/ incorrect word choices.

 Lack of sophistication obscures the ideas at t imes.  Writ ing lacks f low to achieve coherence throughout the essay.  Many consecutive sentences begin with the same words, are of the same length or the same sentence construction; the sentences hang together, and get the job done in a routine f ashion.  Diction is elementary and lacks sophistication.

 Writ ing lacks coherence.  Work contains multiple incorrect sentence structures.  Diction is elementary and/or inappropriate, and of ten writ ing is awkward due to many examples of poor/incorrect word choice.

2 / 4

Max score 4

 The essay is virtually error- f ree.  Punctuation, spelling, grammar, and capitalization are correct. No errors interf ere with the reader’s understanding of the

PROFICIENT (3)

EMERGING (2)

INCOMPLETE (1)

essay.  Essay is properly MLA f ormatted.  All source material is smoothly woven into the text.

 The essay contains f ew errors in the conventions of the English language.  Errors do not interf ere with the reader’s understanding of the essay.  Essay is MLA f ormatted with a f ew minor, non-distracting errors.  All source material is adequately woven into text, although the writer may rely too heavily on stock transit ional phrases.

 The essay contains numerous errors in the conventions of the English language.  Errors may interf ere with the understanding of the paper, although the reader can f ollow the basic intent.  Essay has multiple lapses in MLA f ormatting, but an attempt to f ollow the f ormat is obvious.  Embedding of source material is awkward.

 The essay contains serious errors in the conventions of the English language.  Errors interf ere with the reader’s understanding of the paper.  MLA f ormatting was not attempted.  Source material lacks embedding.