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THE JESUIT GUIDE TO
(ALMOST) EVERYTHING
A Spirituality for Real Life
JAMES MARTIN' S.J .
HarperOne• An Imprint ofHarperCollinsPublishers
Fratribus carissimis in Societate Jesu
Grateful acknowledgments are made to the following sources for granting permission to use their material: The poems of Gerard Manley Hopkins, SJ., are used with the permission of the British Province of the Society of Jesus. Selections from A Pilgrim's Testament: The Memoirs ofSt. Ignatius Loyola, translated by Parmananda Divarkar, SJ.; The Spiritual Exercises: A Tramlation and Commentary, by George E. Ganss, SJ.; and One Jesuit's Spiritual Journey: Autobiographical Conversations with Jean-Claude Dietsch, by Pedro Arrupe, SJ., are used with the permission of the Institute of]esuit Sources. Selections from The Song ofthe Bird, by Anthony De Mello, SJ., and He Leadeth Me, by Walter Ciszek, SJ., are used with the permission of Random House, Inc. Selections from With God in Russia, by Walter Ciszek, SJ., are used with the permission of America Press, Inc.
Frontispiece: "St. Ignatius at prayer amid the rooftops of Rome," by the Rev. William Hart McNichols.
THE JESUIT GUIDE TO (ALMOST) EVERYTHING: A SPIRITUALITY FOR REAL LIFE. Copyright © 2010 by James Martin, SJ. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews. For information address HarperCollins Publishers, IO East 53rd Street, New York, NY I0022.
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FIRST EDITION
Imprimi Potest: The Very Rev. Thomas]. Regan, SJ.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available upon request.
ISBN 978-0-06-143268-2
IO II 12 13 14 RRD(H) IO 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 l
CHAPTER TEN
More by Deeds Than by Words
Friendship and Love
SOME PEOPLE CLING TO the idea that being a member of a religious
order means you don't have to care about real-life human relation
ships. The thinking goes like this: since we spend all of our time in
prayer, we never have to relate to any actual human beings and never
have to deal with any interpersonal problems. And we're thought to
be solitary types unconcerned with something as commonplace as
friends.
But overall, Jesuits have a lot of experience developing friend
ships. First, as chaste men, we cannot enjoy the intimate sexual
relationships that married men and women can. So besides relying
on our friendship with God, our families, and our communities, we
count on the love of close friends, both men and women.
Second,Jesuits move around frequently, sent from job to job, and
place to place. Over the course of the past twenty years as a Jesuit,
I've lived in Boston, Jamaica, New York, Boston again, Chicago,
Nairobi, New York again, Boston again, and New York again. Each
move meant discovering and rediscovering friends. Despite stereo
types people have about celibacy, Jesuits have to grow in the ability
to make and keep close friendships. And we value them greatly.
Single, divorced, and widowed people know about this. A single
friend of mine was once asked by her company to move far away.
Her manager said, "You're single. You don't have any kids. Moving
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THE JESUIT GUIDE TO (ALMOST) EVERYTHING
will be easy for you." But precisely since she didn't have a husband or
children as a built-in and portable support system, she didn't want
to leave, because she would be leaving her only supports behind-her
friends. They were her primary source oflove and affection.
Another stereotype is that we Jesuits don't know much about
human relationships since we're so "Christian." My brother-in-law
once said, "It must be nice to live in a place where no one argues."
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"Well," he said, "isn't it sort of illegal for Jesuits not to be nice to
one another?"
That sums up the common thinking about religious communities:
they're full of holy people who always get along. To that I say, "Ha!"
So the third reason we have become proficient in friendship is
that living in a religious order means living with actual human beings
who have competing interests and strong opinions. Over time you
become adept at dealing with various kinds of personalities. Until
my brother-in-law got to know some real-life Jesuits, he remained
convinced of our superhuman goodness.
SUNTNE ANGELI?
It reminded me of a story, perhaps apocryphal, about the American
Jesuits in the I86os who were planning a new theology school for
young Jesuits in rural Maryland, in a town called Woodstock. Huge
numbers of men were then entering seminaries and religious orders,
so the building would have to be vast.
The Jesuit provincial worked diligently with architects to draw
up plans for the complex, with hundreds of rooms for the Jesuit
priests, brothers, and scholastics (those in training); classrooms; an
immense dining room; and an ornate chapel. No detail was left out.
After poring over the blueprints, the provincial mailed the plans to
the Jesuit headquarters in Rome.
A few months later the drawings were returned with a single
Latin phrase scrawled on the bottom of the blueprints: Suntne angeli?
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More by Deeds Than by Words
Which means, "Are they angels?"
The architects had left out the bathrooms.
No, we are not angels. And that extends beyond our use of
bathrooms. We can be short-tempered, shortsighted, and just plain
short with one another. (As an aside, the architect quickly tacked on
two tall towers for the bathrooms. Years later, a visiting nun wrote
a poem that praised the Jesuits' doing their thinking "in the white
towers," which was probably true.)
Jesuit community is a great blessing. The men with whom I've
lived for the past twenty-one years are joyful, prayerful, and hard
working-and so different from one another. As the saying goes,
"If you've met one Jesuit, you've met one Jesuit!" One friend is a
gerontologist who enjoys fly-fishing. Another is a prison chaplain
who keeps pet ferrets. Another is a former political consultant who
sings in piano bars. All enrich my life with their insights, inspire me
with their faith, and challenge me to become a better person. After
twenty-one years as a Jesuit, I couldn't imagine my life without my
Jesuit friends. Whenever I think ofJesus' promise to his disciples
that anyone who follows him will receive a "hundredfold" of what
ever he has given up, I think of my Jesuit friends.
But community life can be a challenge. One Jesuit thinks we
aren't living simply enough. Another thinks we're living too simply.
One thinks that if you find someone's wet clothes in the community
washing machine, you should put them in the dryer. That's common
courtesy, he says. Another is angry when you do just that with his
clothes: "You've shrunk my cotton shirts!"
More seriously, as in any human environment, resentments creep
into communities, grudges intensify, and relationships become cold.
One friend joked that his friends used to speak of the "Ice House,"
the fictional Jesuit residence for the coldest men of the province.
"But we always debated," he said. "Who would be the superior? Who
was the coldest?"
The seventeenth-century Jesuit saint John Berchmans, who
died at age twenty-two, before finishing his Jesuit training, said,
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THE JESUIT GUIDE TO (ALMOST) EVERYTHING
Vita communis est mea maxima penitentia. Some Jesuits translate that
as "The common life is my greatest penance." That is, the common
life of all men and women is difficult enough. But most Jesuits be
lieve it's more accurately translated as, "Life in community is my
greatest penance." (On the other hand, as Avery Cardinal Dulles
once remarked about Berchmans, "I wonder what the community
thought of him!")
Like any group-a family, a business, a parish-aJesuit commu
nity can be the source of both joy and grief. Living peacefully with
others and maintaining healthy friendships requires a great deal of
love, patience, and wisdom.
But that's a challenge for everyone-not just Jesuits. All of us are
called to live compassionately with one another and maintain healthy
friendships with love, patience, and wisdom. None of us are angels.
So given our common desires for love and friendship, and our
common human shortcomings, what does the way of Ignatius and
the traditions of the Jesuits say about love, friendship, and human
relationships?
THE PRESUPPOSITION
The Spiritual Exercises begins with good advice. In what he calls his
Presupposition, Ignatius says that we "ought to be more eager to put a
good interpretation on a neighbor's statement than to condemn it."
Always give people the benefit of the doubt. What's more, says
Ignatius, if you're not sure what a person means, you should, says
Ignatius, "ask how the other means it." Ignatius placed that cru
cial advice at the beginning of the Exercises to ensure that both
the spiritual director and the retreatant don't misunderstand each
other. Each presupposes that the other is trying to do his or her
best.
This wisdom is applicable not simply for spiritual direction. It's
a key insight for healthy relationships within families, in the work
234
More by Deeds Than by Words
place, and among friends. And while most people would agree with
it, in principle, we often do just the opposite. We expect others to
iudge us according to our intentions, but we judge others according to
their actions.
In other words, we say to ourselves, My intention was good. Why
ion't they see this.? But when it comes to other people, we often fail to
~ive them the benefit of the doubt. We say, "Look what they did!"
The Presupposition helps us remember the other person's inten
:ion, which helps ground relationships in openness. You approach
~very interaction with an open mind and heart by presuming-even
.vhen it's hard to do so-that the other person is doing his or her best
md isn't out to get you.
The Presupposition also helps to release you from grudges and
:esentments. It makes it less likely that you will approach a thorny
:elationship in terms of a battle. Rather than steeling yourself for
mother confrontation with your enemy, which takes a great deal of
~nergy, you can relax.
Sometimes the other person is out to get you-for example, in
t contentious office environment. Few people are angeli. But that
ioesn't mean human interactions should be approached as battles.
[nstead of preparing for war, you can set aside your armor. This may
1elp the other person feel better able to deal with you-because most
ikely you are part of the problem. The Presupposition steers you
tway from anger and so provides the other person with the emotional
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THE JESUIT GUIDE TO (ALMOST) EVERYTHING
space needed to meet you on more peaceful territory. It may even
invite him or her to change.
My mother once told me that at her local supermarket worked
a checkout clerk who had a "mean look and a grumpy disposition."
None of the other clerks liked her. My mother remembered some
thing her own mother had told her, another version of the Presuppo
sition: "Be kind to everyone, because you never know what problems
they have at home." So my mother decided to shower the grumpy
clerk with kindness and made it a point to talk with her whenever she
could. In time, the woman softened. "I discovered," said my mother,
"that her mother, whom she cared for, was ill and that she herself had
neck problems after a car accident." You never know what problems
people might have.
The Presupposition also helps you stay open to change, growth,
and forgiveness. Peter Favre, one of the first Jesuits, spent many years
interacting with the new Christian denominations of his age. In that
era Catholics and Protestants were intensely suspicious of one an
other. For many Protestants, Catholics were "papists," Rome was
"Babylon," and the pope was the "Antichrist." For Catholics, Protes
tants were simply heretics.
Favre adamantly refused to let those beliefs close his heart,
which was extraordinary for the time. "Remember," he wrote to a
Jesuit asking for advice, "ifwe want to be of help to them, we must be
careful to regard them with love, to love them in deed and in truth,
and to banish from our souls anything that might lessen our love and
esteem for them." That is an astonishing comment in an era of bad
feelings.
My favorite quote from Favre on the matter is even simpler:
"Take care, take care never to shut your heart against anyone."
Openness will not cure every relationship, but it can provide an
opening for change, and it certainly won't make things any worse.
The Presupposition can make healthy relationships healthier and
unhealthy relationships less unhealthy.
More by Deeds Than by Words
IGNATIUS AND His FRIENDS
With his prodigious talent for friendship, Ignatius enjoyed close re
lations with a large circle of friends. (That is one reason for his en
thusiasm for writing letters.) Indeed, the earliest way that Ignatius
referred to the early Jesuits was not with phrases like "Defenders
of the Faith" or "Soldiers of Christ," but something simpler. He de
scribed his little band as "Friends in the Lord."
Friendship was an essential part of his life. Two of his closest
friends were his college roommates, Peter Favre, from the Savoy
region of France, and Francisco de Javier, the Spaniard later known
as St. Francis Xavier.
The three met at the College Sainte-Barbe at the University
of Paris, then Europe's leading university, in 1529. By the time they
met Ignatius, Peter and Francis were already fast friends who shared
lodgings. The two had studied for the previous few years for their
master's degrees; both were excellent students. And both had heard
stories about Ignatius before meeting him: the former soldier was a
notorious figure on campus, known for his intense spiritual discipline
and habit of begging alms. At thirty-eight, Ignatius was much older
than Peter and Francis, who were both twenty-three at the time.
And Ignatius's path to the university was more circuitous. After his
soldiering career, his recuperation, and his conversion, he had spent
months in prayer trying to discern what to do with his life.
Ultimately, he decided that an education was required. So Ignatius
went to school, taking elementary grammar lessons with young boys
and, later, studying at the universities of Alcala and Salamanca. His
studies provide us with one of the more remarkable portraits of his
newfound humility: the once-proud soldier squeezed into a too-small
desk beside young boys in the classroom, making up for lost time.
Several years later, he enrolled at the University of Paris, where
he met Favre and Xavier. There, in Favre's words, the three shared
"the same room, the same table and the same purse."
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THE JESUIT GUIDE TO (ALMOST) EVERYTHING
Ignatius's commitment to a simple life impressed his new
friends. So did his spiritual acumen. For Favre, a man troubled all his
life by a "scrupulous" conscience, that is, an excessive self-criticism,
Ignatius was a literal godsend. "He gave me an understanding of my
conscience," wrote Favre. Ultimately, Ignatius led Peter through
the Spiritual Exercises, something that dramatically altered Favre's
worldview.
This happened despite their very different backgrounds. And
here is one area where Ignatius and his friends highlight an insight
on relationships: friends need not be cut from the same cloth. The
friend with whom you have the least in common may be the most
helpful for your personal growth. Ignatius and Peter had, until they
met, led radically different lives. Peter came to Paris at age nineteen
after what his biographer called his "humble birth," having spent his
youth in the fields as a shepherd. Imbued with a simple piety toward
Mary, the saints, relics, processions, and shrines, and also angels,
Peter clung to the simple faith of his childhood. Ignatius, on the
other hand, had spent many years as a courtier and some of them as
a soldier, undergone a dramatic conversion, subjected himself to ex
treme penances, and wandered to Rome and the Holy Land in pur
suit of his goal of following God's will.
One friend had seen little of the world; the other much. One had
always found religion a source of solace; the other had proceeded to
God along a tortuous path.
Ultimately, Ignatius helped Peter to arrive at some important
decisions through the freedom offered in the Spiritual Exercises.
Peter's indecision before this moment sounds refreshingly modern,
much like the indecision of any college student today. He wrote
about it in his journals:
Before that-I mean before having settled on the course of
my life through the help given to me by God through Ifiigo
1 was always very unsure of myself and blown about by many
More by Deeds Than by Words
winds: sometimes wishing to be married, sometimes to be
a doctor, sometimes a lawyer, sometimes a lecturer, some
times a professor of theology, sometimes a cleric without a
degree-at times wishing to be a monk.
In time, Peter decided to join Ignatius on his new path, whose
ultimate destination was still unclear. Peter, sometimes called the
"Second Jesuit," was enthusiastic about the risky venture from the
start. "In the end," he writes, "we became one in desire and will and
one in a firm resolve to take up the life we lead today." His friend
changed his life. Later, Ignatius would say that Favre became the
most skilled of all the Jesuits in giving the Spiritual Exercises.
Ignatius would change the life of his other roommate, too.
Francisco de Jassu y Javier, born in 1506 in the castle ofJavier, was
an outstanding athlete and student. He began his studies in Paris at
the age of nineteen. Every biographer describes Francis as a dashing
young man-with boundless ambition. "Don Francisco did not share
the humble ways of Favre," wrote one.
Francis Xavier was far more resistant to change than Peter Favre
had been. Only after Peter left their lodgings to visit his family, when
Ignatius was alone with the proud Spaniard, was he able to slowly
break down Xavier's stubborn resistance. Legend has it that Igna
tius quoted a line from the New Testament, "What does it profit
them if they gain the world, but lose or forfeit themselves?" As John
O'Malleywrites in The FirstJesuits, Francis's conversion was "as firm
as Favre's but more dramatic because his life to that point had shown
signs of more worldly ambitions."
It is impossible to read the journals and letters of these three
men-Ignatius the founder, Xavier the missionary, and Favre the
spiritual counselor-without noticing the differences in tempera
ments and talents.
In later years Ignatius would become primarily an administrator,
guiding the Society ofJesus through its early days, spending much
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THE JESUIT GUIDE TO (ALMOST) EVERYTHING
of his time laboring over the Jesuit Constitutions. Xavier became
the globe-trotting missionary sending back letters crammed with
hair-raising adventures to thrill his brother Jesuits. (And the rest of
Europe, too; Xavier's letters were the equivalent of action-adventure
movies for Catholics of the time.) Favre, on the other hand, spent the
rest of his life as a spiritual counselor sent to spread the Catholic faith
during the Reformation. His work was more diplomatic, requiring
artful negotiation through the variety of religious wars at the time.
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Their letters reveal how different were these three personalities.
They also make it easy to see how much they loved one another. "I
shall never forget you," wrote Ignatius in one letter to Francis. And
when, during his travels, Xavier received letters from his friends, he
would carefully cut out their signatures and carried them "as a trea
sure," in the words of his biographer Georg Schurhammer, SJ.
The varied accomplishments of Ignatius, Francis, and Peter
began with the commitment they made to God and to one another
in I534· In a chapel in the neighborhood of Montmartre in Paris,
the three men, along with four other new friends from the uni
More by Deeds Than by Words
versity-Diego Lainez, Alfonso Salmeron, Simon Rodrigues, and
Nicolas Bobadilla-pronounced vows of poverty and chastity to
gether. Together they offered themselves to God. (The other three
men who would round out the list of the "First Jesuits," Claude Jay,
Jean Codure, and Paschase Broet, would join after 1535.)
Even then, friendship was foremost in their minds. Lainez noted
that though they did not live in the same rooms, they would eat to
gether whenever possible and have frequent friendly conversations,
cementing what one Jesuit writer called "the human bond of union."
In a superb article in the series Studies in the Spirituality ofJesuits,
titled "Friendship in Jesuit Life," Charles Shelton, the professor of
psychology, writes, "We might even speculate whether the early So
cietywould have been viable ifthe early companions had not enjoyed
such a rich friendship."
The mode of friendship among the early Jesuits flowed from
Ignatius's "way of proceeding." For want of a better word, they did
not try to possess one another. In a sense, it was a form of poverty.
Their friendship was not self-centered, but other-directed, forever
seeking the good of the other. The clearest indication of this is the
willingness of Ignatius to ask Francis to leave his side and become
one of the church's great missionaries.
It almost didn't happen. The first man that Ignatius wanted to
send for the mission to "the Indies" fell ill. "Here is an undertaking for
you," said Ignatius. "Good," said Francis, "I am ready." Ignatius knew
that if he sent Francis away, he might never see his best friend again.
So did Francis. In a letter written from Lisbon, Portugal, Francis
wrote these poignant lines as he embarked. "We close by asking God
our Lord for the grace of seeing one another joined together in the
next life; for I do not know ifwe shall ever see each other in this....
Whoever will be the first to go to the other life and does not find
his brother whom he loves in the Lord, must ask Christ our Lord to
unite us all there."
During his travels, Francis would write Ignatius long letters, not
simply reporting on the new countries that he had explored and the
THE JESUIT GUIDE TO (ALMOST) EVERYTHING
new peoples he was encountering, but expressing his continuing affec
tion. Both missed each other, as good friends do. Both recognized the
possibility that one would die before seeing the other again.
"{You] write me of the great desires that you have to see me
before you leave this life," wrote Francis. "God knows the impres
sion that these words ofgreat love made upon my soul and how many
tears they cost me every time I remember them." Legend has it that
Francis knelt down to read the letters he received from Ignatius.
Francis's premonitions were accurate. After years of grueling
travel that took him from Lisbon to India to Japan, Francis stepped
aboard a boat bound for China, his final destination. In September
I552, twelve years after he had bid farewell to Ignatius, he landed on
the island of Sancian, off the coast of China. After falling ill with a fever, he was confined to a hut on the island, tantalizingly close to his
ultimate goal. He died on December 3, and his body was first buried
on Sancian and then brought back to Goa, in India.
More by Deeds Than by Words
Several months afterward, and unaware ofhis best friend's death,
Ignatius, living in the Jesuit headquarters in Rome, wrote Francis
asking him to return home.
FRIENDSHIP AND FREEDOM
One important insight we can take from the friendships of the early
Jesuits-especially between Ignatius, Francis, and Peter-has to do
with the complex interplay between freedom and love.
Friendship is a blessing in any life. For believers it is also one ofthe
ways God communicates God's own friendship. But for friendship to
flourish, neither the friendship nor the friend can be seen as an object
to be possessed. One of the best gifts to give a friend is freedom.
This is a constant motif in the lives of the early Jesuits. A more
selfish Ignatius would have kept Francis in Rome, to keep him com
pany and to give him support, rather than allowing his friend to
follow his heart. Shelton suggests in his article "Friendship in Jesuit
Life" that the early Jesuits found their friendships to be a "secure
base," a safe place that enabled them to enjoy their lives and complete
their work, rather than worry about the relationship too much.
What does this have to say to you? After all, you're not going
to lead a life remotely like those of Ignatius, Peter, or Francis. Still,
we can sometimes find ourselves wanting to possess, control, or ma
nipulate our friends as well as our spouses or family members.
How many times have you wondered why your friends weren't
"better" friends? And how many times did being a "better" friend
mean meeting your needs? How often have you wondered why your
friends or family members don't support you more? How often have
you worried whether you were being a good friend? These are natural
feelings. Most of us also know the heartache of seeing friends move
away, or change, or grow less available to us.
So how were Ignatius, Francis, and Peter able to be such close
friends and be free at the same time?
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THE JESUIT GUIDE TO (ALMOST) EVERYTHING
Often I've had to remind myself that my friends do not exist
simply to support, comfort, or nourish me. A few years ago, one
of my best friends told me he was being sent to work in a parish in
Ghana, in West Africa.
Matt was well prepared for his work in West Africa. Twice during
his Jesuit training he had spent time in Ghana, living in a remote
village with poor fishermen and their families and helping out at a
small parish, all the while learning the local languages. Later, during
graduate studies in theology, when we lived in the same community,
Matt tailored some of his courses for his work in West Africa.
Matt told me how excited he was to be returning to Ghana, now
as a priest. Knowing how seriously he had prepared for this work,
and how much he loved Ghana, I should have been happy for him.
Instead, selfishly, I was sad for myself, knowing that I wouldn't see
him for a few years. Sadness is natural for anyone saying good-bye; I
would have been a robot ifl hadn't felt disappointed.
Still, it was hard to move away from wanting Matt to remain
behind-to meet my needs. It was the opposite of the freedom that
Ignatius and Francis had shown, which valued the good of the other
person. It was an example of the possessiveness that can sometimes
characterize and, if left unchecked, damage relationships. Needed
was Ignatian freedom and detachment.
William Barry, the Jesuit spiritual writer, is also a trained psy
chologist. Recently I asked him about this tendency to possessiveness
in friendship. "You need close friends, but you don't want to cling to
them out of a desire to keep them around you," he said. "But this
would be true for anyone, not simply for Jesuits." He, too, pointed
to the early Jesuits as models. "Francis Xavier has such a deep love
for his friends, and yet this doesn't keep him from volunteering and
never being seen again."
Another story that illustrates this freedom comes from the sev
enteenth century, when Alphonsus Rodriguez, the doorkeeper at
the Jesuit College in Majorca, Spain, became friends with another
Jesuit, Peter Claver.
244
More by Deeds Than by Words
Alphonsus had come to the Society of]esus by a circuitous route.
Born in 1533, he was the second son of a prosperous cloth merchant in
Segovia. When Peter Favre visited the city to preach, the Rodriguez
family provided hospitality to the Jesuit. Favre, in fact, prepared the
young Alphonsus for his First Communion, an important rite of pas
sage in the church.
At twelve, Alphonsus was sent to the Jesuit college at Alcala, but
his father's death put an end to his studies; he was forced to return
home to take over the family business. At twenty-seven, Alphonsus
married. He and his wife, Maria, had three children, but, tragically,
his wife and children all died, one after the other. Heavy taxes and
expenses led Alphonsus to the brink of financial ruin; many biogra
phers depict him as feeling like a failure. In desperation he called on
the Jesuits for guidance. The lonely widower prayed for many years
to understand God's desires for him.
Gradually Alphonsus found within himself the desire to become
a Jesuit. At thirty-five, he was deemed too old to begin the long train
ing required for the priesthood and was rejected for entrance. But his
holiness was evident to the local provincial, who accepted Alphonsus
into the novitiate as a brother two years later. The provincial is sup
posed to have said that if Alphonsus wasn't qualified to become a
brother or a priest, he could enter to become a saint. He stayed for
only six months before being sent to the Jesuit school in Majorca, in
1571, where he assumed the job of porter, or doorkeeper.
Each time the doorbell rang, as I mentioned, Brother Alphonsus
said, "I'm coming, Lord!" The practice reminded him to treat each
person with as much respect as if it were Jesus himself at the door.
In 1605 Peter Claver, a twenty-five-year-old Jesuit seminarian,
met the humble, seventy-two-year-old Alphonsus at the college. The
two met almost daily for spiritual conversations, and in time Al
phonsus encouraged Peter to think about working overseas in "the
missions." The prospect thrilled Peter, who wrote to his provincial
for permission and was sent to Cartagena, in what is now Colom
bia, to work with the West African slaves who had been captured
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by traders and shipped to South America. For his tireless efforts to
feed, counsel, and comfort the slaves, who had endured horrifying
conditions, Peter would earn the sobriquet el esclavo de los esclavos, the
slave of the slaves.
St. Peter Claver, the great missionary, was later canonized for his
heroic efforts. St. Alphonsus Rodriguez was canonized for his own
brand of heroism: a lifelong humility.
Alphonsus and Peter met every day to build up their friendship.
But this did not prevent Alphonsus from encouraging Peter to volun
teer for work in South America. Alphonsus gave Peter not only the
gift of friendship but freedom, just as Ignatius, Peter, and Francis
gave to one another.
SOME BARRIERS TO HEALTHY FRIENDSHIP
Given the centrality of freedom in relationships, it is not surprising
that in his study onJesuit friendship, Charles Shelton, the Jesuit psy
chologist, lists possessiveness as the first barrier to healthy friendship.
Your friend may not be able to reciprocate the level of your feelings,
given that his attention may be somewhere else, say, on a pressing
family or work situation. The other person may also move to another
town or city or may be less able to spend time with you, say, because
of marriage or a new child. All these things may increase your sense
of possessiveness and animate a desire to control the other.
Part of friendship is also giving the other person the freedom to
grow and change. The desire for friendship should not overshadow
the friend. But, as Father Barry noted in a conversation, there is an
other side to that desire for freedom. "The danger is that because
people will move, or leave, or even die, you are tempted not to give
your heart to people."
Father Shelton's cautionary list of other pitfalls is helpful not
simply for Jesuits, but for anyone interested in healthy relationships.
Overactivity is one area where friendships founder because
people are too busy to keep up with one another. One simply loses
More by Deeds Than by Words
touch. Happily, I am blessed with many friends, and since I don't
have the responsibilities of a marriage, I have more time to keep up
with them. For married couples, though, the burdens can be over
whelming, and cherished friends may fall away.
Married people reading this might think, How am I supposed to
balance all the responsibilities ofmarriage and keep up with myfriends.? The
point here is not to add burdens, but to relieve them. Marriages can
never fully provide for .all the emotional needs of a couple. Nor were
they designed that way: in the past, marriages presumed the nurtur
ing support of an extended family and the wider community. Friends
are needed even for married couples. Healthy friendships outside a
marriage help husbands and wives in their own relationship.
Overactivity is an important consideration when it comes to a
healthy approach to work, which we will look at in a coming chapter.
For now, suffice it to say that when work is so overwhelming that you
are unable to sustain friendships, your life becomes impoverished,
though you may be working to get richer.
On the other hand, as Shelton points out, is the danger of exces
sive emotional involvement. Here the tendency is to focus too much
on the friendship, focusing obsessively on the feelings that arise and
analyzing every slight and comment. Clinginess smothers friendship
and repels the most generous of friends. A healthy relationship is like
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a flame that gives off light and warms both friends: it can be extin
guished for lack of attention but smothered by too much attention.
Competition is another danger. In a culture where people are often
defined by what they do and how much they make, the temptation to
compete can be overwhelming. Shelton asks if your friend's success
is a threat to your own sense of self-worth. If it is, maybe it's time to
consider the blessings in your own life more carefully.
Envy, I would add, is equally poisonous. You can move away from
that by being grateful for the blessings in your own life (the examen
can help) and by realizing that everyone's life is a mixed bag of gifts
and struggles. Ifyou doubt that, just talk to your friends about their
problems.
Shelton next calls attention to complaint-driven relationships,
where getting together becomes an excuse for carping. In situa
tions like this, the world begins to take on a dark cast. Complaining
spreads like a virus through conversations until everything seems
useless, and both parties end up bitter and despairing. Shelton also
warns against impairing relationships, which encourage unhealthy or
destructive behavior, like alcoholism or drug abuse.
In both these cases you need to ask if the friendship is healthy. If
not, can you discuss the situation? Or do you have to move away from
the friendship for your own health? One ofmy spiritual directors once
asked me bluntly, "Is being with your friend good for your vocation?"
Still, an essential part of love is maintaining what you could call
the difficult friendship. The story of Simon Rodrigues, one of Igna
tius's friends, will show what I mean.
A SPECIAL LOVE
One of the early Jesuit companions was a trying person. Simon
Rodrigues, a Portuguese student in Paris, was one of the six friends
who pronounced vows of poverty and chastity with Ignatius in Paris
in 1534. After the founding of the Society ofJesus, Rodrigues was
More by Deeds Than by Words
asked by Ignatius to assume the important position of overseeing all
the Jesuits in Portugal.
But, as William Bangert notes in A History ofthe Society ofJesus, Rodrigues soon "evidenced an instability and recalcitrance that
pushed Ignatius almost to the brink of dismissing him." The man
was an inveterate complainer and excessively permissive with the Je
suits under his care; as a result, the Jesuits in Portugal were increas
ingly in disarray.
In time, Rodrigues also became the confessor to King John III of Portugal and took up residence in the royal court-while still
functioning as Jesuit provincial. Word spread that Rodrigues was
scandalizing others, as he could not live without the "palaces and
pomp of the world," as one contemporary wrote.
How did Ignatius respond to his difficult friend?
Rather than angrily berating him, Ignatius wrote his old friend
several letters and asked Simon to correspond more frequently so
that he could help him with his problems. But Ignatius was also se
rious about his role as superior general; in response to the growing
crisis, he relieved Rodrigues from his post in December of 1551 and
sent him to Spain. Unfortunately, Rodrigues's behavior continued to
be a source of embarrassment, and Ignatius was forced to call him
back to Rome.
This must have been a painful time for even someone as balanced
as Ignatius: one of his most trusted confidants had failed. Ignatius
may have felt let down by a friend. Or embarrassed at the trust he
placed in him. Or angry at Simon's intransigence.
Yet Ignatius treated his friend with dignity, remembering the
Presupposition and giving him the benefit of the doubt. In the letter relieving Simon of his post in Portugal, Ignatius mentions not
Simon's shortcomings and problems-which both knew-but the
burden that was placed upon Simon as provincial and how it "does not
seem proper to hold you any longer in these labors." After asking Simon
to return to Rome, Ignatius wrote compassionately of his desire to
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maintain his friend's good reputation and provide for Simon's future.
There is not an ounce of recrimination in his generous letter.
Moreover, says Ignatius, he treasures Simon's friendship. If he
loves the otherJesuits, he says, he feels an even greater affection for
his first companions, "particularly toward you, for whom, as you
know, I have always had a very special love in the Lord." It is a re
markable letter that shows how well Ignatius understood the value,
and challenges, of friendship and love.
We all have friends or family members who find themselves in
trouble, who disappoint us with self-destructive behavior, or who seem
incapable or unwilling to change, despite the best efforts ofthose who
love them. These periods may last for a few weeks, a few years, or a
lifetime. In these situations we are called to be special friends and to
not only encourage them to lead healthy lives, but also to extend to
them our "special love," as Ignatius did with Simon Rodrigues.
And if you think your relationships are too complicated for this,
remember Ignatius had to deal with a devilishly complex situation
having to balance the following: his responsibility for the Jesuits in
Portugal and Spain; his duty toward those with whom they worked
in their schools and churches; his need to remain in the good graces
of the king of Portugal; his desire to uphold the reputation of the So
ciety ofJesus; and his wish to be kind to one of his oldest friends.
Ignatius was able to navigate these waters because of his "way of
proceeding." To begin with, Ignatius, who was, after all, the author
of the Presupposition, gave Simon the benefit of the doubt, trying
to see things from his point ofview. Second, he was honest without
being insulting. Third, he was reasonable about what would work
and what wouldn't, making decisions and taking actions that would
be painful for himself, and that even might lead him to be misun
derstood. Fourth, he understood the absolute centrality of love.
Fifth, he was "detached" enough to know that he might not be able
to change his "difficult friend." Eventually, according to The First Jesuits, Rodrigues came to accept the wisdom of Ignatius's actions.
More by Deeds Than by Words
Ignatius had a talent for friendship because he had a talent for
charity, honesty, reason, love, and detachment.
UNION OF HEARTS AND MINDS
Just as I was writing this chapter, I got a phone call from a good
friend. Dave was a mathematics professor before entering the Jesu
its and is also one of the most organized and hardworking people I
know. And one of the kindest, too-I don't think I've ever heard him
say an uncharitable word about another person. During philosophy
studies in Chicago, we lived in the same community. (The wall be
tween our two rooms was so thin that we also, unavoidably, heard
each other's phone conversations, and therefore we had few secrets!)
But as with many Jesuit friends, my days ofliving near him are
over for now. Since Dave works in Chicago, we rarely see each other.
After I told Dave that I was working on this chapter, I asked
him, "What do you think it takes to keep a good friendship?"
"Staying in contact is most important," he said. Times when
distance or overwork diminish one's ability to maintain friendships
are when one needs to be diligent about keeping in touch. And, said
Dave, the times when you are most tempted to neglect friendships,
which can move you toward loneliness, are precisely when you most
need to care for yourself by nourishing those relationships.
Even with the hurdles of distance and time, deep friendships can
be sustained. "Like most people who have known each other well, we
have a commonality that enables us to reconnect," said Dave. "So the
distance is not so much a problem."
Ignatius referred to this as a "union of hearts and minds," in
which Jesuits could be united in a common purpose, and as com
panions, even though many miles apart. That's a good goal for any
friendship: the union of hearts and minds.
After Dave's providential phone call, I decided to call a few other
friends, men and women who are well versed in Ignatian spirituality
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to ask them what the way of Ignatius taught them about friendship
and love.
Many insights dovetailed with Father Shelton's article on friend
ship, in which he offers not only some things to avoid, but also some
positive tips on what leads to healthy friendships. Let's look at some of
Shelton's recommendations and also some of my own friends' wisdom.
Shelton begins by saying that good friends know about one anoth
er's lives. That sounds obvious, doesn't it? But a friendship can become
one-sided. Sometimes you see your friend or a family member as ex
isting to serve your needs-say, as psychologist or life coach-for
getting the need to take an active interest in the other person's life.
There has to be both giving and receiving. "Love consists in a mutual
communication between the two persons," wrote Ignatius in the Ex
ercises. "Each shares with the other."
Sister Maddy, my friend from Nairobi and Gloucester, also
pointed to that dynamic-but wanted to emphasize the receiving.
"You have to let your friend be a friend to you," she said. "Sometimes
it's more difficult to receive." Sqe quoted one of her favorite sayings:
"A friend knows the song in my heart and sings it to me when my
memory fails."
When I asked Bill, president ofa high school in Portland, Maine,
if I could identify him as one of my oldest Jesuit friends, he laughed.
"Say longest, not oldest!" Bill and I entered the novitiate the same year
and have gone through over twenty years ofJesuit training, so we
know each other well. He's an easygoing, affable fellow with plenty
of friends.
For Bill the "work" of friendship includes taking initiatives. "It's
easy to say you want to see one another," he said, "but just as easy
to let things slide. Friendships can die through attrition if you don't
take the initiative."
Paula, a longtime friend from graduate school who studied
alongside many Jesuits, is a lively but soft-spoken woman. Ten years
after finishing her theology degree, she is now married with two
young children and works as a campus minister at a Jesuit university
More by Deeds Than by Words
in Cleveland, Ohio. She laughed when I asked about sustaining good
friendships.
"You mean with Jesuits or with others?" she said. "Because
friendships withJesuits require a special set of strategies!"
More seriously, Paula pointed to "intentionality" as a key ele
ment. She asks, ''Are there core values that go beyond the situation
that brought you together? Was it only a great college friendship, or is
it deeper? Are you able to talk about meaningful areas of your lives?"
Paula agreed with Shelton's warning against possessiveness,
even-and she surprised me by saying this-in a marriage. She ap
preciated this in terms of Ignatian spirituality. "The Principle and
Foundation of the Spiritual Exercises," she said, "talks about not
being attached to any one thing or person. And that includes your
spouse."
"When I first heard about being 'detached' from my husband, I
thought it was ridiculous!" Paula explained. "But as I got older, I real
ized that as wonderful as the relationship is, it can't be more impor
tant than my relationship with God, because one day it will end. You
cannot be utterly dependent on anyone and look to only one person
to fill all your needs. Because, eventually, they won't be able to." She
often shares that insight with college students who are inclined to
make their girlfriends or boyfriends the center of their lives.
Does putting God at the center mean that you have less love avail
able for your spouse? "Oh no," she said immediately. "If God is at the
center, there's always room for others. In fact, there's more room."
In his article Shelton noted that a good friend is also able to share
his true feelings and listen to the other's feelings, even when it may be
uncomfortable. A good question to ask is, Whom do I trust enough to
freely share any negative feelings with.? In other words, with whom can
I be honest?
That starts with being honest with yourself. One of my clos
est friends is George, who entered the novitiate the year before me.
Today he is a prison chaplain in Boston. George offered some rich
insights into how Ignatian spirituality can help with friendship.
THE JESUIT GUIDE TO (ALMOST) EVERYTHING
"Since Ignatian spirituality helps us to be honest with ourselves,
it also invites honesty in our relationships with friends," said George.
"My friends are those with whom I can be myself: they know my bag
gage and limitations. They also appreciate my strengths-perhaps
more than I do. And when I think of the Ignatian idea of 'sinners
loved by God,' it easily translates into 'sinners loved by friends.'"
This means looking at both ourselves and our friends compas
sionately. "Having more compassion for myself," says George, "allows
me to have more compassion for friends."
Like George, each of my friends made explicit connections
between Ignatian spirituality and friendship. Bob is president of a
Jesuit high school inJersey City, New Jersey. He's an excellent lis
tener and, as a result, an excellent friend. Bob reflected on the link
between friendship and the Ignatian understanding of desire.
"From an Ignatian standpoint, God interacts with a person on a
direct basis,'' Bob said. ''And the way this often happens is through
our friends. So friendship, in both its support and challenges, is one
of the main ways we discover God. We discover who we are as loved
individuals, and we discover that in our friends."
That desire for friendship comes from God, he said. "It's a desire
to discover what's going on with someone else. And it's the desire for
the infinite, which comes from God, and the desire to participate
with the infinite, which is ultimately satisfied by God, who is our
friend."
One way Jesuits cultivate friendships is through a practice called
"faith sharing." The practice may provide hints about how you can
build an honest relationship with your friends.
More by Deeds Than by Words
LISTEN MucH
Every Sunday night in the novitiate our community gathered for
"faith sharing," which meant speaking to one another about our spir
itual lives: where we had experienced God in our daily lives and what
our prayer was like.
There were two rules. First, everything was confidential. Second,
no comments were allowed after someone spoke, unless it was a ques
tion asked to clarify something.
The first rule made sense. The second seemed ridiculous. Early
on, when people expressed their struggles, I wanted to say, "Why not
try this?" Ifsomeone said he missed his old life, I wanted to say, "Me,
too." If someone talked about being lonely, I wanted to say, "Knock
on my door." I couldn't understand why the novice director wanted
us to be silent.
Gradually I realized: it was so we could listen.
Listening is a lost art. We want to listen, we want to think we're
listening, but we are often so busy planning what we're going to say
in response or what advice we're going to give, that we fail to pay at
tention.
As Gerry, our novice director, explained, there was ample time
in the novitiate to console, to counsel, and to advise. The practice
echoed one of Ignatius's lesser-known sayings: "Speak little, listen
much." We were also told that keeping everything strictly confiden
tial made people feel more relaxed.
Gradually I grew to love faith sharing. When my fellow nov
ices, as well as Gerry and his assistant, David, shared about how
they had experienced God in the previous week, I was fascinated.
What a wonder to see how complicated these men were and how
much they were all trying to grow in holiness, trying to be better
men, betterJesuits.
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After a few weeks, I became not only amazed at how God was at
work in their lives, but also more tolerant of their foibles. When one
novice was short-tempered, I remembered that he had been dealing
with a difficult situation in his family. When another was sullen, I
remembered that he was dealing with an intractable problem in his
ministry. The way they related to the world was colored by their own
experience. It helped me to remember the Presupposition, and give
them the benefit of the doubt.
My friend Chris is a Jesuit brother who worked for several years
in the vocation office, helping to recruit and screen candidates to the
Society ofJesus. Chris has a wide circle of friends-both Jesuit and
otherwise. In our discussion on friendship and love he pointed out
the value of listening, and he adverted to faith sharing.
More by Deeds Than by Words
"For a long time," said Chris, "I've known that faith sharing is
critical." He offered an example why: "Early on, I lived with a Jesuit
community member whom I found, well, difficult. Knowing his
struggles from faith sharing was helpful because it is harder to dis
miss or judge another person when you know he's struggling."
Listening attentively and compassionately to my fellow novices
also helped me feel less crazy. Until then, I assumed that everyone
led healthy and integrated lives. Except me-or so I thought. Faith
sharing was the first time I grasped that everyone's life is a full mea
sure of joy and suffering. And that all of us are more complex than
our surface appearance indicates.
Listening also made me better able to celebrate with my friends.
When a novice who was having personal problems experienced some
healing, I was more able to rejoice with him, since I knew what he
had been through.
Most of us don't have the time to do faith sharing, or any kind of
sharing, with our friends for an hour every week.
But the concept may provide important lessons for developing
loving relationships within families and maintaining good friend
ships. First, before you start to console or advise or sympathize,
really listen. Second, try to listen without judging. Third, the more
you know about your friend, the easier it will be to understand, sym
pathize, console, and even forgive your friend. Fourth, the more you
can share honestly, the greater will be your ability to say challenging
things. Fifth, the more you listen and understand his or her life, the
more you will be able to celebrate with your friend over joys.
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In these simple ways you will deepen your relationships, your conversations, and your compassion for your friends, and you'll begin
to develop real intimacy, where, as St. Francis de Sales says, "Heart
speaks to heart."
HUMILITY AND FRIENDSHIP
James Keenan, SJ., a professor of moral theology, once wrote that
compassion is the willingness to enter into the "chaos" of another
person's life. But even the best of friends sometimes avoid getting
involved in the chaos of another life. You might feel overwhelmed
by a friend's problems or frustrated that you can't fix or solve things
for him or her. You might find yourself unconsciously pulling away
from friends or family members who are facing job stress, marriage
or relationship problems, serious illness, or even death. What hap
pens when you feel you can't help someone?
This is when you are often called not to do but to be. To remember
that you are not all-powerful. Shortly after I entered the novitiate, for
example, two friends of mine had an explosive argument and stopped
talking with each other. I confessed to David, my spiritual director,
how frustrated I felt that I wasn't able to get them to reconcile. Conse
quently, I felt like a failure. And a bad Jesuit. It was driving me crazy.
"Shouldn't aJesuit be able to cto all this?" I asked.
"Where did you get that idea from?" he asked.
"Well," I said, "that's what Jesus would do.Jesus would help them
to reconcile.Jesus would get them to talk to each other.Jesus would
work until there was peace between them, right?"
"That's true," David said. ':Jesus would probably be able to do all
of that. But I have news foryou,Jim. You're not Jesus!"
We both laughed. Not because it was silly, but because it was
true. In some of the most painful moments in the lives of friends and families-illness, divorce, death, worries about their children, finan
cial problems-we usually cannot work miracles. Sometimes our ef
forts do effect change, but sometimes they do not.
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More by Deeds Than by Words
Paradoxically, admitting your own powerlessness can free you
from the need to fix everything and allow us to be truly present to
the other person, and to listen. A cartoon in the New Yorker had one
woman saying testily to her friend, "There's no point in our being
friends if you won't let me fix you."
Humility doesn't apply just to the way you relate to your friends,
but to you. Besides not being able to solve all of your friends' prob
lems (and recognizing that your friends won't be able to solve yours),
admitting your own shortcomings is critical if you want to nurture
healthy relationships. In other words, you need to both apologize
and forgive.
Over the years I've done many thoughtless things to people. I've
gossiped about them, suspected the worst about them, and tried to
manipulate them into doing what I wanted them to do. On these oc
casions I've found it necessary to seek forgiveness, something that is
at the heart of the Christian message. Just as often, they have come
to me to ask for forgiveness.
Sinfulness exists within any human setting, Jesuit communi
ties included. So in any human setting, apology and forgiveness are
always needed. Seeking forgiveness is difficult and, since it goes
against our ego-driven desires to be right all the time, is always an
exercise in humility.
Almost always people have forgiven me and the friendship has
grown stronger. But on one or two occasions, the person has not.
Here I find it helpful to pray for the person and always be open to
reconciliation, but also remember, once again, that just as I cannot
force another person to love or even like me, I cannot force another
person's forgiveness.
HEALTHY FRIENDSHIPS
Let's return to some of Father Shelton's tips for healthy friendships
and see if you can find insights for your own relationships with
friends and family.
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Without honesty, he says, a friendship will wither and die. William
Barry provided a concise description of how this happens. "It's diffi
cult to be honest," he told me recently, "but when something painful
happens-for example, the other person is sick or dying, of if you're
angry for some reason-if you can't talk about it you become more
and more distant. And if there's something that you're holding onto,
then eventually you can't talk about anything. And pretty soon, you
haven't got a friend."
Being open to challenge, Shelton notes, is not just something that
we expect to do for our friends; it is something to expect from our friends. Can you accept the occasional challenge from your friends
that you have acted selfishly and may need to apologize from time to
time?
"There are two difficulties in being honest," my friend Chris
said. "One is when you know your friend doesn't want to hear some
thing. The other is when you don't want to say it-especially when
you know you're at fault. But it's important to be humble about ad
mitting our own wrongdoing or faults."
Friends also wish the good of the other. That goes for members of
the same family who want to love one another. Ignatius gave Francis
Xavier the freedom to be the person he was called to be, even if it
was half a world away from Ignatius. It also means celebrating the
times when the other person does well or succeeds.
Jesuits can sometimes be competitive. In many instances this is a
good thing: natural competitiveness spurs us to greater achievement.
St. Ignatius Loyola, in effect, was being "competitive" with St. Fran
cis and St. Dominic when he lay on his sick bed and thought, "What
if I should do this which Saint Francis did and this which· Saint
Dominic did?" Without a healthy sense of competition in Ignatius,
there would be no Society of Jesus. But as Ignatius grew older, he
gave up the darker side of ambition and even wrote rules into the
Jesuit Constitutions designed to limit and moderate unhealthy ambi
tions and competition among Jesuits.
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More by Deeds Than by Words
Competition is usually present among friends, siblings, neigh
bors, coworkers, or anywhere two or three are gathered, to borrow
a line from the Gospels. During my philosophy and theology stud
ies, some competitiveness was healthy. Whenever I saw my organized
friend Dave, who always kept his notes neatly collated in pristine blue
binders, start studying a few days before a test, I knew it was time for
me to study. Dave's industriousness prompted me to do a better job.
But too much competition is poisonous. The competitiveness
that leads to wishing ill for the other is the beginning of the end of friendship.
Father Shelton lists one more aspect to a healthy friendship.
You have to learn when to maintain a discreet silence. Sometimes our
friends or family members don't need our advice. Or at least not right
at that moment.
My friend Steve, another president of a Jesuit high school, this
one in New York City, agrees. Steve has many friends, thanks to
his ebullient good humor and his preternatural ability to remember
birthdays, names of spouses, and even names of pets. His friends
know to expect comments like, "Isn't today your mom's birthday?"
Steve talked about discretion in friendships: "I'm very direct and
like to get to the point," he said, "and I like to have the kinds of con
versations that get to the heart of things, especially in the middle of
a busy life. But you also have to be discreet: learning when to bring
something up, or file it away for a better time-a time when it would
be good for the other to hear it, not necessarily for you to say it."
To Shelton's recommendations, I would add a few more. First,
friends give one another freedom to change. The person that we knew
a few years ago, in high school, college, at work, or in the novitiate,
may have changed utterly. It's important not to force the person to
be who he or she was years ago-besides, it's impossible. This is part
of the freedom we can give to our friends. And to spouses, too. One
married friend recently told me, "Probably the biggest killer of mar
riages is the lack of freedom to grow and change."
THE JESUIT GUIDE TO (ALMOST) EVERYTHING
Second, friendship is welcoming. It welcomes others and is not
exclusive. That sounds reasonable enough, doesn't it? But for Jesuits
"exclusive" is a loaded word.
Throughout much of the twentieth century, some Jesuit superi
ors inveighed against "particular friendships." Too much "exclusiv
ity" or "particularity" among young Jesuits was thought to lead to,
or foster, overly close bonds and perhaps encourage gay men to break
their vows of chastity. Jesuit superiors discouraged exclusive rela
tionships by requiring that during recreation periods, when novices
strolled the novitiate grounds, there should always be at least three
men in any group. Numquam duo, semper tres, went the oft-quoted
Latin saying: Never two, always three.
This attitude reflected the general misunderstanding about ho
mosexuality (that is, the wrongheaded notion that gay men couldn't
live celibately or enjoy close friendships with one another). More im
portant, it reflected a general misunderstanding about friendship.
Having a very close friend is a blessing, not a curse.
But there was a healthy insight here that we should not overlook:
Jesuit superiors recognized that too much exclusivity in friendships
could lead men to become isolated and separate from the larger com
munity. When a friendship turns in on itself and excludes others, it
becomes less healthy, sometimes prone to obsessive attention, build
ing up unrealistic expectations, and causing frustration on both sides.
You might ask yourself a few questions to guard against an un
healthy "exclusivity." Do you hesitate to welcome other people into
your friendship? Are you jealous when your friend spends time with
other friends? Do you feel that the person needs to always be avail
able to you? If your answers are yes, then you may need to remind
yourself that your friend does not exist simply to be your friend.
This is true foryour friendship with God, too. As Maureen Conroy,
R.S.M., says in The Discerning Heart, ''As we grow in mutual relation
ship with God, we want to share with others our life-giving love." Our
friendship with God is not exclusive, but inclusive-welcoming.
More by Deeds Than by Words
Third, friendships need to be leavened with humor. One of the
most important parts of friendship is simply having fun, enjoying
oneself, and having a good laugh-all elements of a healthy psychol
ogy and spirituality. Friendships are fun-a word you don't hear
much in spiritual circles-and part of fun is humor and laughter.
So good friends remind you not to take yourself with such deadly
seriousness. My friend Chris was once listening to me bemoan some
insignificant problem. After a few minutes of complaining, I said,
with mock seriousness, "My life is such a cross!"
Without missing a beat, he said, "Yes, but for you or for others?"
It was a great one-liner that helped to put things in perspective.
When I get too focused on my own problems, I like to remember
Chris's light-but meaningful-joke. Humor helps us to deflate our
overblown egos.
Fourth, friends need to help one another. It's not all about con
versation, sharing, and listening! Sometimes your friend needs you to
do something: visit him in the hospital, help him move a sofa, babysit
his children, lend him some jumper cables, give him a ride to the air
port. This is part of the fundamental work ofhelping souls and is part
of everyone's call. As David Fleming writes in What Is Ignatian Spiri
tuality?, "Helping does not require extensive training and a fistful of academic degrees."
GROWING IN GRATITUDE
So far the type of friendship that I've described sounds almost utili
tarian: friends should do these things and avoid those things in order
to produce this kind of friendship. But a friendship, indeed any loving relationship, is not a machine designed to produce happiness. Per
haps a better metaphor is flowers in a beautiful garden. Unless you're
a bee, the flowers are not there to do something for you, as much as
to be enjoyed.
That brings me to the final part of our discussion: gratitude.
THE JESUIT GUIDE TO (ALMOST) EVERYTHING
The way of Ignatius celebrates gratitude. The Spiritual Exercises is crammed with references to expressing gratitude for God's gifts.
"I will consider how all good things and gifts descend from above,"
he writes in the Fourth Week, "from the Supreme and Infinite
Power above . . . just as the rays come down from the sun." The
examen, as we've mentioned, begins with gratitude. For Ignatius,
ingratitude was the "most abominable of sins," indeed "the cause,
the beginning and origin of all sins and misfortunes."
When I asked Steve about friendship, the first thing he men
tioned was finding gratitude during the examination of conscience.
"When I think about friendship, the first thing that comes to mind
is finding God in all things," he said. "That surfaces during my
examen, when frequently God directs me to things that God thinks are important-rather than what I might be focusing on. Often that
turns out to be friends and interactions with other Jesuits-in even
the simplest of ways: a random comment in a corridor or a homily
from another Jesuit. The examen helps me to be more mindful of,
and more grateful for, my friends."
Paula noted wryly that while everyone will say they are grateful for their friends, the examen makes it easier to focus on that grati
tude. "The examen always helps in friendships and in family relation
ships," she said, "because it helps with gratitude." For Sister Maddy,
even days when friends aren't present are occasions for being grate
ful for them. "Every night during my examen, I remember my grati
tude for friends-even if I've not been in contact with them on that
particular day. I'm grateful for them wherever they are."
Paul, the rector of a large Jesuit community in Boston, said that
gratitude was the most neglected part of friendship. For many years,
Paul was in charge of training youngJesuits in Boston and Chicago.
He has a lifetime of experience in counseling others in their spiritual
lives. "One of the most important parts of friendship is living in grat
itude for the gift, and growing into that kind of gratitude," he said.
Paul noted that one common problem in Jesuit friendships
stemmed from a lack of gratitude. Without gratitude, you take
264
More by Deeds Than by Words
friendship for granted. "You forget that it takes a little effort. And
the small things matter: making time to call, staying in touch. If
people can name a friendship and can appreciate it, they are more
inclined to work at it."
True friendships are hard to come by, Paul said, and they take
work. And patience. "There are a small number of people who, for
whatever reason, easily make and keep friends. But the vast majority
of the human race has to ask for friendship and be patient in waiting
for it to come. When we imagine friendships, we tend to imagine
things happening instantly. But like anything that's rich and won
derful, you grow into it."
This chapter may have helped you to find ways to strengthen or
deepen your appreciation of relationships with family and friends.
But what about those readers for whom talk of friendship just re
minds them of their loneliness? If this is where you are, you can still
enjoy God's friendship in prayer, seeing how God is active in your
work, your reading, your hobbies.
Still, what can we say to those who long for a good friend?
It would be wrong to downplay the pain of loneliness: I have
known many lonely people whose lives are often filled with sadness.
Perhaps one thing I could suggest is to remain open to the possi
bility of meeting new friends and not move to despair, trusting, as
much as you can, that God wants you someday to find a friend. The
very desire for friendship is an invitation from God to reach out to
others. Trust that God desires community for you, though that goal
may seem far away.
"For those who wonder why it's not happening faster in their
lives," Paul said, "I think that it's more important to love and take
the first step. And it also may seem that most people have to spend
their lives giving more than receiving."
"But at the end," Paul said, "even with all the work that is involved,
even ifyou o~ly find one friend in your whole life, it's worth it."
