Journal 2

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MALE-FEMALE COMMUNICATION

GENDER DIFFERENCES

Sex vs. Gender  sex: biological definition  gender: culturally established correlates of sex

Gender Role:  collection of attitudes, behaviors, and traits deemed desirable for males versus

females

Gender Display:  conventionalized portrayals of the behaviors that society has defined as

prototypically “masculine” and “feminine”

FEMALE: NONVERBAL PROFILE VOCAL BEHAVIORS

gender displays: more fluent, softer, slower, higher pitched, more variable in pitch “pitch” as a social function  more emotional/expressive/intensity

conversations  talk less in mixed groups  interrupt less

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FEMALE: NONVERBAL PROFILE

Women are more likely to forms of speech that are related to a powerless status  Verbal Communication  ask more questions  tag questions (“It’s nice, isn’t it?”)  hedges and qualifiers (“sort of” “maybe”)  intensifiers (“The puppy is so cute.”)

 disclaimers (“I don’t know, but”)

FEMALE: NONVERBAL PROFILE

Other Nonverbal Cues Women smile/laugh more than men lower Visual Dominance Ratio less likely to initiate touch

Problems?

MALE: NONVERBAL PROFILE

Vocal Behaviors:  gender displays: more filled pauses, louder, talking more (in both word count and in duration)

 tend to dominate conversations when interacting with women:  duration of talk-turns are longer  the number and rate of filled pauses is grater  interrupt more frequently than women

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MALE: NONVERBAL PROFILE

Other Nonverbal Cues “Interruption Privilege” Vocal Behaviors Tactile communication

MEN VS. WOMEN WHO IS A BETTER COMMUNICATOR?

Differences in Gender vs. Skills  gendered behaviors are learned  gender differences vary considerably depending on the settings and contexts

Accomplishing Communicative Goals  men: focus on a set of goals that are important only to them  women: their desire to facilitate interpersonal outcomes that are satisfying to both

parties • possible problems?

Decoding Nonverbal Information  exception?  “leaky messages”

 why?

CAN WE CHANGE NONVERBAL BEHAVIOR?

out-of-awareness behaviors?

cultural norms/expectations?

nonverbal gender-deviant behaviors?

Solution:

Develop Awareness of Stereotypic Behaviors

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RECOMMENDATIONS FOR MEN

be more adaptive and flexible

work on your decoding skills

develop attentive listening skills

RECOMMENDATIONS FOR WOMEN

monitor/suppress cues that are associated with negative implications

focus on the communicative task (as opposed to the interactional partner)

use your skills

JOHN GOTTMAN

The key to reviving or divorce-proofing a relationship is not in how you handle disagreement but in how you are with each other when you are not fighting.

 The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (p. 46)

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JOHN GOTTMAN

Only 40% of the time do couples divorce because they are having frequent, devastating fights. More often marriages end because, to avoid constant skirmishes, husband and wife distance themselves to much that their friendship and sense of connection are lost.

 The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (p. 160)

THE SIX SIGNS OF A DETERIORATING RELATIONSHIP

1. Harsh startup

2. The four horsemen

3. flooding

4. body language

5. failed repair attempts

6. bad memories

1. HARSH STARTUP

Statistics: 96% of the time, you can predict the outcome of a conversation based on the first three minutes of the 15 minute interaction!  discussion invariably ends on the same note it begins

Women pulls the weight here!

A soft start up doesn’t necessarily have to be super diplomatic. It just has to be devoid of criticism or contempt.

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2. THE FOUR HORSEMEN

1. criticism  general blaming  ex: “always” “never”

2. contempt  character attack  ex: sarcasm, cynicism, naming calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, and

hostile humor

3. defensiveness  seems natural…but it’s really a way of blaming the other

4. stonewalling  avoiding the fight but…..

3. FLOODING

People stonewall as a protection against feeling “flooded”  increased heart rate, sweating

 fight vs. flight reaction

Men is at risk here!  the male cardiovascular system remains more reactive than the female and slower to

recover from stress

4. BODY LANGUAGE

habitual flooding is predictive of divorces:  signals at least one partner experience severe emotional distress when dealing with

the other

 the physical sensation of flooding makes productive interactions impossible

The signs co-exists like a relay match

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5. FAILED REPAIR ATTEMPTS

divorce can be predicted by listening to a single conversation of newlyweds  the patterns of disagreement

The presence of four horsemen predicts with 82% accuracy; when failed repair attempt is added, with over 90% accuracy

84% of the newlyweds who score high on the 4 horsemen but have repair effectively have stable, happy marriages 6 years later

5. FAILED REPAIR ATTEMPT

what can be a repair attempt?  nonverbal (winking, joking, humor)  verbal (“oh…you are not listening to me”)

repair succeeds or fails not because how eloquent it is but has everything to do with the state of the relationship  more repair attempts for unhappy couples…but  “positive sentiment override” is needed

6. BAD MEMORIES

When a marriage is not going well, history gets re-written…for the worse

Sign: the happy ones are so unimportant that you’ve let them fade away

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DISSOLUTION OF A RELATIONSHIP

Some people leave a marriage literally by divorcing. Others do so by leading parallel lives together

Keyword: habitual!!