Persuasive Report 2000 Words - Academic Writing
Farabi
makechanges.docxCheck the comments and on the right side and make changes and give me the revised file.
Thesis statement target feedback:
Your thesis looks great! You lay out your topic very well!
Developing ideas target feedback:
Your research looks great! There are a few places where I asked you to expand or be a little more specific, but your train of thought was well research and well presented!
My suggestion to you here to make this paper even stronger is to really lean into the persuasive side of your assignment more throughout your paper.
Your call to action (what you want people to be persuaded about) is that measures need to be taken to stop the bush fires/prepare people to manage them better, yes? You address this in your conclusion, but it should be present throughout your paper.
As you present research on why it’s hard for lower income people to get enough insurance, also restate that, to help these people, things need to change and how they should change, for example. Make sure every section of your paper reinforces your call to action
Essay structure target feedback: I loved how consistently you crafted your topic sentences to introduce the topic of the paragraph!
Grammar/Mechanics target feedback:
Aside from strengthening your call to action, I would recommend spending the bulk of your editing time on this portion of your paper.
Your research is fantastic, and your argument is interesting, so you don't want small typos or confusing wording to hinder your readers from seeing your argument.
First of all, I would read through this paper, aloud, slowly, taking the time to catch places where you are missing a period, have capitalized the wrong words, or are missing a word or two. (I have marked a few of these spots for you with highlighting.
Then, take a look at my notes about making the subject and verb of each sentence match in number (if the subject of your sentence is plural, then the verb should be too!) and read through your paper aloud again and note where you pause naturally as your read, that (and consulting the handouts I am attaching here for you) will show you where commas belong!
Lastly, keep an eye out for run on sentences or sentence fragments. Run on sentences happen when you string together too much information with too little punctuation to divide up your words and help guide your reader through your paper. To fix them, consider adding some commas or, where possible, splitting the sentences up. Sentence fragments, on the other hand, are where your sentence is missing either a subject or a verb.
Check your paper carefully for both, since you have a few of each hiding in there. For all of these grammar sections, please feel free to refer to these handouts for more examples of how to find and fix them!
I would suggest looking at my suggestions for making the "persuasive" part of your essay more apparent throughout the whole paper, not just the conclusion, and then see my notes about catching small details in your grammar and mechanics that will strengthen your writing overall.
Introduction
Recently, Australia has had grips of fire emergencies. In addition to the loss of lives, vast areas of the nation have been burnt down thus leading to immense destruction of property in the country’s largest cities, Melbourne and Sydney (Clune &Zehnder, 2020). In the year 2019, Sydney had to experience close to 81 days of poor quality air, all of which came about as a result of bush fires (Morris, 2020).As such, there is need to examine the fires’ implication to housing in Australia in addition to having a brief analysis of the various tenants’ situations and the government responses in relation to the extreme climate event.
Recent reports indicate that climate changes is what majorly contribute to the hot and dry conditions that usually contribute to the raging fires in the country(Morris,2020). The unprecedented conditions of the country came about as a result of climate changes that is low humidity, decreased amount of rainfall, unprecedented dryness, increased wind velocities, higher temperatures and ferocity and fire spreads all of which are established trends stimulated by the drying and warming climate(Clune &Zehnder, 2020). All these call for the need to investigate the environmental sustainability solutions for countries, not only Australia but also other countries which are prominent in bush fires. Comment by Sarah Bliss: Keep an eye out for subject-verb agreement! The noun and verb in your sentence should always match in number, meaning that, if a noun is plural, then the verb should also be plural, and vice versa. What is the subject of this sentence? Does it match the verb? Comment by Sarah Bliss: Nice job introducing your thesis and topic!
The Unprecedented Climatic Conditions, Drought and Heat
Climate changes has had profound effects in Australia (Yu et al., 2020). In the year 2013, the Australian climate council released a detailed article informing the citizens of a bushfire threat. The climate scientists also highlighted that Australia was more likely to experience bush fires in the coming days (Morris, 2020) .recent statistics also depicts that in march 2019,
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climatologists in the country also reported that the summer national mean temperature was close to 2.14 degrees Celsius, slightly above the mean that as experienced between 1960 and 1990(Morris, 2020).The immense heat was accompanied by drought, an idea that impacted the way of lives of persons in Australia. The heat together with drought meant that by the end of the summer period, vast areas of the country would be combustible. The unprecedented conditions of the country came about as a result of climate changes that is low humidity, decreased amount of rainfall, unprecedented dryness, increased wind velocities, higher temperatures and ferocity and fire spreads all of which are established trends stimulated by the drying and warming climate. As such, it is relevant to investigate the environmental sustainability solutions for countries, not only Australia but also other countries which are prominent in bush fires. Comment by Sarah Bliss: This phrase is a little wordy. Is there a more straightforward, streamlined way to say the same thing? Comment by Sarah Bliss: This sentence is a bit of a run-on, because it is so long that readers may lose your point before reaching the end. To fix it, I would recommend splitting this sentence into to (not necessarily right in the middle, but somewhere before or after your list of climate change effects).
The Fires and Rebuilding Housing
Rebuilding of houses destroyed by bush fires needs the immense consideration of whether the households are permitted to construct houses in the affected areas ,the insurance implications of the rebuilding process and whether he various rebuilding standards of the country have been revised(Handmer & Tibbits,2005). Extreme climatic changes have led to most areas being vulnerable thus leading to most scientists reaching conclusion that the places are not suitable for building and construction. The places might be at higher risks of building due to the difficulty in mitigating either the current risks or the future risks under both the new and existing climatic scenarios. Some of the places immensely affected by bushfires, the geographical location of the place is such that fires will reach the ridgeline then interfere with the valley thus making it tedious for buildings to be constructed in such places. If persons are permitted to construct in such places, research shows that they should abide by the bunkers building condition. Some of the most beautiful picturesque areas where individuals can live is amongst Comment by Sarah Bliss: Great job focusing your topic sentence on what you plan to address in your paragraph! I would just give the grammar and wording in this sentence a little attention. You switch between present tense “are permitted” and past “have been,” which makes the sentence feel disjointed. Can you make these verbs match in tense? Comment by Sarah Bliss: Can you be more specific about what places you are referring to?
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trees and on ridgelines though inherenting with the kind of lifestyle is abit tricky for some individuals. As such, the government prioritizes purchasing back housing in most areas affected by bushfires.
A primary factor in analyzing whether households who have lost their houses have to reconstruct them is their levels of insurance cover. Research analysis shows that most of the previous disasters house owners were not insured thus making it difficult for them to obtain insurance cover for rebuilding.as such, insurance level is a vital determinant of whether a particular community or society will recover. A society’s recovery after the occurrence of a disaster is influenced by their adequacy of insurance cover.in 2013,close to 200 homes were destroyed under which 65% of them were underinsured. Research by the Victorian government also depicts that 46% of the homes were insured. All these call for the need of having insurance cover so that individual’s property can be recovered in the case of the occurrence of a disaster. Comment by Sarah Bliss: Check your capitalization in this paragraph. (:
Realizing the building standards of persons is also crucial in an individual’s plan to rebuilding a home. In addition to a household’s geographical location, having many low income earners who may not afford insurance cover is among the reasons as to why most of the households affected by bush fires are underinsured due to the increased costs of rebuilding. Building in most of the fire prone areas is more expensive as compared to constructing in a conventional home since most of the home owners tend to abide by the various tough building rules and regulations. They are usually forced to pay premiums vital for the installation of toughed windows and door screens and other various non-combustible materials.as such, it is crucial to have homes constructed next to bush lands to undergo bush fire attacks level of assessment, an idea that is essential in measuring the buildings probability of exposure to both radiant heat and ember attack Climate changes imply that the bush fires are much more intense Comment by Sarah Bliss: What you have happening here is a sentence fragment, or when a sentence is missing either a subject (noun) or a verb (action/existing). To fix a fragment, you can either identify what is missing from the sentence and add it in (Does your sentence have a subject? Do you say what that subject is doing?), or you can combine it with a sentence around it via a comma. What approach would work better here, do you think?
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and that there is concern that despite the intense of the building standards, most homes might be unable to withstand the ferocity of bushfires. Stringent building standards would be favorable in the light of fire intensities since they aid take away the confidence that as an architect, assisting individuals is a far much better way of preventing losses that would have been caused by the bush fires.
The Effects of Bush Fires in Australian housing market
Bush fires interfere with various businesses in the affected areas particularly the agricultural and tourism sector, all of which have immensely been interfered with persons’ lives thus resulting to lay off of some of their staff members (Naaeder, 2018). As a result, most of the farmers, small business owners and their relevant staff members are struggling to withstand mortgage repayment procedures. A recent report on some of the effects of the fires on housing markets ,rating agencies expect that the mortgage arrears increase I the coming months and that the property prices in the affected locations decrease. As such, the prices of most commodities will be affected by decreased demand. Due to the presence of a national peril event, the housing prices are expected to decrease and their ability to sell property could most likely be impacted should the geographical location be deemed as being either having a higher risk to buyers or less desirable. All these would result of individual shying away from bush stone property due to the fear of losing their properties in bush fire. Comment by Sarah Bliss: Throughout your paper, look for places where commas could help guide your reader through your longer sentences—or where you have two essentially complete sentences (independent clauses) that can be divided by a semi-colon. Read through your paper aloud, and note where you pauses naturally. That is your brain’s way of telling you need a comma! Also, see the comma rules in the handout I attached for you. They will really help you as you edit!
Despite the area affected by bush fires being extensive and that the price of houses are certain to drop in the burnt areas, the number of individuals affected is small as compared to the general Australian population. Research depicts that close to 2% of Australian population have at once been affected by the bush fires (Morris, 2020).In Melbourne and Sydney, the fires had no
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effects on the property prices of individuals thus leading to significant gain in the prices of houses particularly in the last quarter of 2019 and early 2020(Morris,2020).
Tenants being forced to evacuate their premises is also another effect of Bush fires in Australia despite it being unclear of the number of tenants who have been affected by the fires. If the property that they have been living in is destroyed, the landlord is usually obligated to help the tenant get alternative accommodation or compensate them for the items that they have lost. However, the tenant is not advised to terminate their tenancy immediately as the landlords. In cases where the property is habitable, but slightly damaged, the renter has full rights and responsibilities to plead for any repairs ad also seek for rent reduction. If in any case the urgent repairs are not carried out and the tenants incurs the necessary costs, they also have the rights to seek compensation from their landlords.
Bush fire crisis affects both the borrowers and lenders .banks will be expected to face increased number of claims for financial hardships as most individuals would be struggling to make ends meet in the wake of destruction (Worthington, 2008). Those persons that rely on income from either agriculture or tourism could be more affected thus they need more leniency. On the other hand, the local employment opportunities would also be impacted. If individuals lose their jobs, they may strive in servicing their debts thus most banks can likely expect elevated mortgage arrears for some time period until consumes get back on their feet ("How will Australia’s bushfire crisis affect property and lending?," 2020). As such, most banks would have set aside a provision since most fire affected consumers include the small business owners are likely to encounter cash flow problems. Banks will need to give their customers more time in repaying their loan and also accepting some of the losses that are related to this loans.
Conclusions and Recommendations
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To sum it all, bush fires are disadvantageous because they result to the loss of lives, vast areas of the nation have been burnt down thus leading to immense destruction of property in the country’s largest cities, Melbourne and Sydney. The fire effects call for the need to examine the fires’ implication to housing in Australia in addition to having a brief analysis of the various tenants’ situations and the government responses in relation to the extreme climate event. Bush fires interfere with various businesses in the affected areas particularly the agricultural and tourism sector, all of which have immensely been interfered with persons’ lives thus resulting to lay off of some of their staff members. As a result, most of the farmers, small business owners and their relevant staff members are struggling to withstand mortgage repayment procedures. Tenants being forced to evacuate their premises is also another effect of Bush fires in Australia despite it being unclear of the number of tenants who have been affected by the fires (Scates & Oppenheimer, 2016). Comment by Sarah Bliss: Places where you transition between ideas in a sentence are great places for commas! Comment by Sarah Bliss: Make sure every verb has a subject. Who is doing the laying off here?
As such, I would recommend the utilization of the three pillar sustainable framework, all of which are relevant in the creation of a new political and economic institution that constitute the major stakeholders, key inputs and various incentive structures that are suitable for sustainability planning and project to be both successful and feasible in ensuring that complex issues are solved (Mensah, 2019). Additionally, investigating the environmental sustainability solutions for countries, not only Australia but also other countries which are prominent in bush fires. Is also relevant in aiding control such unpredictable circumstances. The three pillar framework include, have effective technological methods, laws and governance, financial incentives and economics (Clune &Zehnder, 2020). The three frameworks aid translate sustainable issues into relevant ides and an applied focus that can be better comprehended and effectively acted upon by both the economic and community stakeholders. The combination of Comment by Sarah Bliss: This section is the heart of your persuasive essay. You are persuading people to do something, so maybe this section should be longer, or introduced earlier in the paper? Comment by Sarah Bliss: Great concluding sentence!
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all these frameworks with adequate transparency leads to the creation of a vital and sufficient foundation for successful, scalable and more rapid deployable and culturally acceptable solutions.
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References
Clune, W. H., & Zehnder, A. J.B. (2020, 05). The evolution of sustainability models, from
descriptive, to strategic, to the three pillars framework for applied solutions.
Sustainability Science, 15(3), 1001-1006.
Dowdy, A. J. (2020). Seamless climate change projections and seasonal predictions for bushfires in Australia. Journal of Southern Hemisphere Earth Systems Science, 70(1), 120-138.
Gunay, S., Bakry, W., & Al-Mohamad, S. (2020). The Unprecedented Australian Stock Market Reaction to the Black Summer Bushfires and the COVID-19 Pandemic Outbreak: A Sectoral Analysis. Available at SSRN 3720360.
Handmer, J., & Tibbits, A. (2005). Is staying at home the safest option during bushfires? Historical evidence for an Australian approach. Global Environmental Change Part B: Environmental Hazards, 6(2), 81-91.
How will Australia’s bushfire crisis affect property and lending? (2020, March 26). Personal Mortgage Brokers for Home Loans in Australia - Smartline. https://www.smartline.com.au/mortgage-news/market-insights/how-will-australias- bushfire-crisis-affect-property-and-lending/
Herremans, I. M., & Reid, R. E. (2002). Developing awareness of the sustainability concept.
The Journal of Environmental Education, 34(1), 16-20.
Mensah, J. (2019). Sustainable development: Meaning, history, principles, pillars, and
implications for human action: Literature review. Cogent Social Sciences, 5(1), 1653531.
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Morris, A. (2020). The bushfires in Australia and housing. Housing Finance International, 45-48.
Naaeder, R. K. T. (2018). SOCIO-CULTURAL PRACTICES PROMOTING THE INCIDENCE OF BUSHFIRES: A STUDY OF THE SISSALA EAST DISTRICT IN THE UPPER WEST REGION (Doctoral dissertation).
Scates, B., & Oppenheimer, M. (2016). The last battle: soldier settlement in Australia 1916– 1939. Cambridge University Press.
Worthington, A. C. (2008). The impact of natural events and disasters on the Australian stock market: A GARCH-M analysis of storms, floods, cyclones, earthquakes and bushfires. Global Business and Economics Review, 10(1), 1-10.
Yu, P., Xu, R., Abramson, M. J., Li, S., & Guo, Y. (2020). Bushfires in Australia: a se
