JOURNAL 3

Life under the Chief DoublespeakLife under the Chief DoublespeakLife under the Chief DoublespeakLife under the Chief Doublespeak

OfficerOfficerOfficerOfficer

By William LutzBy William LutzBy William LutzBy William Lutz

If there's one product American business can produce in large

amounts, it's doublespeak. Doublespeak is language that only

pretends to say something; it's language that hides, evades or

misleads.

Doublespeak comes in many forms, from the popular

buzzwords that everyone uses but no one really understands -

"glocalization," "competitive dynamics," "re-equitizing" and

"empowerment" - to language that tries to hide meaning:

"re-engineering," "synergy," "adjustment," "restructure" and

"force management program."

With doublespeak, no truck driver is the worst driver, just the

"least-best" driver, and bribes and kickbacks are called

"rebates" or "fees for product testing." Even robbery can be

magically transformed with doublespeak, as a bank in Texas

did when it declared a robbery of an ATM to be an "authorized

transaction." Willie Sutton would have loved to have heard

that.

Automobile junkyards, junk and used car parts have become

"auto dismantlers and recyclers" who sell "predismantled,

previously owned parts." Don't want people to know you're in

the business of disposing of radioactive and chemical

wastes? Then call your company "U.S. Ecology Inc."

Wages may not be increasing, but the doublespeak of job

titles sure has increased. These days, your job title has to

have the word "chief" in it. How many kinds of "chiefs" are

there? Try these titles on for size: Chief Nuclear Officer, Chief

Procurement Officer, Chief Information Officer, Chief Learning

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Officer, Chief Transformation Officer, Chief Cultural Officer,

Chief People Officer, Chief Ethics Officer, Chief Turnaround

Officer, Chief Technology Officer, and Chief Creative Officer.

After all the "operations improvement" corporations have

undergone, you have to wonder who all those "chiefs" are

leading. Never before have so few been led by so many.

These days, a travel agent may be called a "travel counselor,"

"vacation specialist," "destination counselor" or "reservation

specialist." As part of their merger, Chase Manhattan Bank

and Chemical Bank decided that the position of "Relationship

Manager" would be divided between executives of both

banks. What is a "Relationship Manager"? Once upon a time

this person was called a salesman. And if you're late in paying

your bill after buying something from one of these

"Relationship Managers," you'll be called by the "Persistency

Specialist," or bill collector. If you're "downsized," the

"Outplacement Consultant" or unemployment counselor will

help you with "re-employment engineering," or how to find

another job.

With doublespeak, banks don't have "bad loans" or "bad

debts"; they have "nonperforming assets" or "nonperforming

credits" which are "rolled over" or "rescheduled."

Corporations never lose money; they just experience

"negative cash flow," "deficit enhancement," "net profit

revenue deficiencies," or "negative contributions to profits."

No one gets fired these days, and no one gets laid off. If

you're high enough in the corporate pecking order, you "resign

for personal reasons." (And then you're never unemployed;

you're just in an "orderly transition between career changes.")

But even those far below the lofty heights of corporate power

are not fired or laid off. Firing workers is such big business in

these days of "re-engineering," "restructuring" and

"downsizing" that there are companies whose business is

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helping other companies fire their workers. (Think about that

for a minute.) These companies provide "termination and

outplacement consulting" for corporations involved in

"reduction activities." In other words, they teach companies

how to fire or lay off workers. During these days of "cost

rationalization," companies fire or lay off workers many

different ways. How do I fire thee? Let me count the ways.

Companies make "workforce adjustments," "headcount

reductions," "census reductions," or institute a program of

"negative employee retention." Corporations offer workers

"vocational relocation," "career assignment and relocation," a

"career change opportunity," or "voluntary termination."

Workers are "dehired," "deselected," "selected out,"

"repositioned," "surplussed," "rightsized," "correct sized,"

"excessed," or "uninstalled." Some companies "initiate

operations improvements," "assign candidates to a mobility

pool," "implement a skills mix adjustment," or "eliminate

redundancies in the human resources area."

One company denied it was laying off 500 people at its

headquarters. "We don't characterize it as a layoff," said the

corporate doublespeaker (sometimes called a spin doctor).

"We're managing our staff resources. Sometimes you manage

them up, and sometimes you manage them down."

Congratulations. You've just been managed down, you staff

resource you.

An automobile company announced the closing of an entire

assembly plant and the elimination of over 8,000 jobs by

announcing "a volume-related production schedule

adjustment." Not to be outdone by its rival, another car

company "initiated a career alternative enhancement

program"' that enhanced over 5,000 workers out of their jobs.

By calling the permanent shutdown of a steel plant an

"indefinite idling," a corporation thought that it wouldn't have

to pay severance or pension benefits to the workers who were

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left without jobs.

Doublespeak can pay for the company, but usually not for the

workers who lose their jobs.

As Pogo said, "We have met the enemy, and he is us." Or

maybe Dilbert got it better: "Do we really get paid for writing

this stuff?"

William Lutz is professor of English at Rutgers University and

author of the new book The New Doublespeak: Why No One

Knows What Anyone's Saying Anymore.

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