CAUSES AND EFFECTS ANALYSIS

Kiliso 1

Rhetorical analysis of Underage Marriage Comment by Michelle Mac: This is not a rhetorical analysis. This is a cause and effect analysis.

Volgestein (2013) believes that early marriage was used as an instrument to maximize fertility in the context of a high mortality rate. There are a lot of bad impacts on the young bride compared to the positive effects that trigger the society and authority to amend the law regarding the legal age for marriage. Comment by Michelle Mac: I don’t see Volgestein anywhere in your works cited with this year of publication. If Volgestein was cited by one of the authors in your works cited, then you need to use “qtd.” in your in-text citations to indicate indirect citation. For example, if Alanen was the one who cited Volgestein, you would use the following in-text citation at the end of the sentence. (qtd. in Alanen). If it’s not the case that this is an indirect citation and you simply did not include the referenced source in your works cited, then you will need to include it. Comment by Michelle Mac: You do not need to cite the year of publication in the in-text citation for MLA; this is only the case for APA, and you also are citing the wrong year, as none of your references in the works cited were published this year. Please make sure that this is fixed. I will penalize if you don’t get the citations right. Comment by Michelle Mac: Is this supposed to be your thesis? If so, then please make sure that you are direct with including the specific negative impacts/effects that you will be describing in your body paragraphs. Comment by Michelle Mac: You don’t really have an appropriate hook and lack development of the topic. You just seem to start off in the middle.

A forced marriage differs from a planned marriage where the planned marriage will be done with the consent of both spouses to involve a third party in it while forced marriage does not matter. This statement is strengthening by Millers (2015) explanation that child marriage could be as forced marriage since they are minors and presumed unable of giving informed consent. She further explained that extreme involuntary marriage may include other things such as abduction, threats, imprisonment, rape, and death. Most marriages are between a 13years old girl with an older man that is older enough to be a father. Comment by Michelle Mac: Omitted word needed in sentence Comment by Michelle Mac: Same issue with citing here Comment by Michelle Mac: Apostrophe needed Comment by Michelle Mac: This is good background information but probably should have been included in the prior paragraph and before the thesis statement. There seems to be some organization issues for you introduction.

Underage marriage affects the girl’s physical health badly. As far as we concern, a young girl's physical or body is not ready for any sexual activity. According to Nour (2006), girls who are married tend to be infected with HIV more than girls who are not. Since these girls are reliant on their husbands, they cannot request their husbands to any HIV test (Nour 2006). Physical health will always be followed by psychological health it is important to know that child marriage does not only affect physically but also mentally. According to Nour (2006), during childbirth, there is a possibility of young mothers to face fistulas. Comment by Michelle Mac: Omitted word needed in phrase Comment by Michelle Mac: physical body Comment by Michelle Mac: Again, you do not need the year of publication when citing in MLA Comment by Michelle Mac: Same error with in-text citation Comment by Michelle Mac: Word choice concern Comment by Michelle Mac: Run-on sentence here Comment by Michelle Mac: Delete does Comment by Michelle Mac: affects Comment by Michelle Mac: affects who? please be clear Comment by Michelle Mac: This is not an appropriate place to end the paragraph. Comment by Michelle Mac: Connect this with the prior paragraph.

According to Global Health Council on Adolescent Youth as cited by Alanen (2016), not fully formed reproductive and immune systems of adolescent girls increase their risk for sexually transmitted infections and difficulties during pregnancy and childbirth. Child marriage promotes criminal activity and spousal violence. Comment by Michelle Mac: Same error Comment by Michelle Mac: Non-fully Comment by Michelle Mac: Consider a warrant element that includes your own interpretation and insights of the data/information presented. Comment by Michelle Mac: This looks like another main/controlling idea, so you should move this claim to the next paragraph.

According to Alanen (2016), when families migrate their customs and beliefs migrate with them. Alanen (2016) added that there was an Iraqi immigrant woman that was detained for padlocked her 19 years old daughter to a bed and burned her face and chest just because she denied to marry a 38-year-old man that her parents have set for her. Girls who resist performing marriage has a high risk of being beaten and raped. Comment by Michelle Mac: These two sentences are incoherent Comment by Michelle Mac: Same issue with citation Comment by Michelle Mac: Grammar concern – migrate does not need to be mentioned twice in the same clause. Comment by Michelle Mac: This is a fragment currently. Please finish this thought. Comment by Michelle Mac: Same issue with citation Comment by Michelle Mac: 19 year-old Comment by Michelle Mac: Hyphen not needed here Comment by Michelle Mac: You need more follow up details and information here. Your body paragraphs seem to have the claim and data but you need the warrant component where you can add your own insights and interpretation. This may also help with the length while demonstrating your own thinking in the essay.

When girls marry at an early age, her education will be ended. According to Parsons, J, Edmeades, A, Kes, A, Petroni, S, Sexton, and Wodon, Q. (2015), girls who are married early will be withdrawn from their social relations and support structure that school offers. The earlier gets married the lower her level of education will be. Married girls are typically out of schools due to the lack of ability to make decisions or whether she should continue her studies or otherwise that caused limitations to their learning, mathematical ability, and financial skills. Comment by Michelle Mac: If it’s three or more authors, then you should use et al. Also, again, the year of publication is not needed as part of the parenthetical/in-text citation when using MLA. Comment by Michelle Mac: Omitted words needed in sentence Comment by Michelle Mac: comma Comment by Michelle Mac: they Comment by Michelle Mac: their Comment by Michelle Mac: The coordinating conjunction “or” is misused here. I recommend starting a another sentence here with appropriate transition word or phrase. Comment by Michelle Mac: Well, you do at least have three main ideas, but it needs to be reflected in your thesis statement. Comment by Michelle Mac: Needs more follow up here The paragraph seems incomplete. Again, make sure elements of claim, data, and warrant are present in all of your body paragraphs.

I stand with my stance that the minimum age of marriage should be set higher in an attempt to stop people from performing the underage marriage. Child marriage brings more negative effects than positive effects that urge me to stand with my stance that the minimum age should be amended to 18 years old. Comment by Michelle Mac: What countries are you referring to specifically. That was never mentioned in the introduction. You don’t seem to give us the full context and needed background knowledge to lead to this statement and should consider adding more information to your introduction paragraph(s) to better develop the topic and lead in to this proposal. Comment by Michelle Mac: What were some of the positive effects? You might want to mention this in the introduction as well. If there aren’t any, then you may want to change your thesis statement a bit to leave this part out. Comment by Michelle Mac: There is a proposal and an attempt at restating the thesis, but the conclusion is missing the summary component that is supposed to clarify and reinforce the main ideas/contents from the prior body paragraphs. I also recommend that you use a closing statement to end the conclusion as well.

References Comment by Michelle Mac: Works Cited

Alanen, Julia, (May 1, 2016). Custom or Crime? Catalysts and Consequences of Forced Marriage 29 American Journal of Family Law 227 (Winter 2016), Available at SSRN: Comment by Michelle Mac: You seem to cite your bibliographic citations in APA as well, which is erroneaous. Please fix these parts and have them in the write form and order. Comment by Michelle Mac: Is this the volume or issue number? Please make sure that you include either vol. or no. depending on which one. Comment by Michelle Mac: If this is the title of container, then it should be italicized Comment by Michelle Mac: ?? This part isn’t needed but you need the DOI number or Permalink if you got it from a database.

H. Heiman, J. Smoot, and L. Miller-Muro, “Forced Marriage in Immigrant Communities in the United States 2011 National Survey Results,” Comment by Michelle Mac: MLA doesn’t use initials of author’s names Comment by Michelle Mac: If this is the title of container, then it should be italicized Comment by Michelle Mac: Where did you get this survey from? If it was from a database, you need to include the permalink/URL/DOI.

Nour N (2006). Health consequences of child marriage in Africa. Emerg Infect Dis [serial on the Internet]. Comment by Michelle Mac: Again, you seem to make the same mistake here by citing in APA form when it should be in MLA. Please correct. Comment by Michelle Mac: ??? Title of container should be italicized and seems to be missing spelling. Comment by Michelle Mac: This part is incorrect and not needed. Comment by Michelle Mac: Please make sure that you have at least 4 different types of sources as mentioned in the assignment specifications. I will take off 3 points per missing source. Comment by Michelle Mac: Overall, your essay is only two pages, not including the works cited page. I take off 5 points per missing page. There are a number of ways that you can add onto the length. As mentioned, there are more details, explanations, insights, and interpretations that can be included in your body paragraphs. Your introduction and conclusion are also missing a lot of needed components. All of this should add more length to your essay once addressed. If you find that it is still not enough in length once all of these issues have been addressed, then you are free to add on another main idea in the body of the essay. I recommend tutoring to fill in the missing learning gaps and advice regarding my feedback.