DESIGN A PLAY FROM A DIRECTOR/PRODUCER PERSPECTIVE

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD by BILLY ARONSON

CHARACTERS: Little Red Riding Hood Mother Big Bad Wolf Hunter Grandmother

SCENE 1 LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD and her MOTHER.

MOTHER: This fresh fruit pie should help make Grandmom strong again, don't you think, Red? RED: Yes, Mother. MOTHER: Let's add a warm muffin for the woman who made my bed and kissed me goodnight. RED: Yes, Mother. MOTHER: Let's stuff the muffin with a stone so she'll choke. RED: Yes, Mother. MOTHER: That woman said I was worthless, Red. RED: I understand, Mother. MOTHER: When she chokes, force this wine between her lips 'til she gags. RED: Yes, Mother. MOTHER: She banged my head against a cupboard. RED: I understand. MOTHER: But she sure could soothe me to sleep with a bedtime story. So lean Grandmom forward and pat her back 'til she coughs up the stone. RED: Yes, Mother. MoTHER: Apologize to the woman who gave birth to your Mother. RED: Yes, Mother. MOTHER: Then smash her head with a chair. RED: Yes, Mother. MOTHER:On second thought, it would be a shame to smash Grandmom when she's already suffering so. Let's wait 'll she's feeling better to choke her and smash her. For now just bring her the goodies. RED: Yes, Mother. MOTHER: Stay on the open path the whole way, don't wander into the woods. RED: I won't, Mother. MOTHER: If a stranger pokes his head out ignore him. RED: I will, Mother. MOTHER: Move in a smooth steady step and he won't even notice you. RED: I will. MOTHER: Eyes ahead. Face down. What's that ugly frown? We're talking about keeping the stranger at a distance, not disgusting him.

RED: All right, Mother. MOTHER: If he smells like a toad he's a king. Kiss his lips. RED: I will, Mother. MOTHER: Don't suck his tongue or he'll turn into a dwarf who'll haul you to his hovel and you'll never be heard from again. RED: I understand. MOTHER: If he tries to touch you scream. RED: I will. MOTHER: If he doesn't try to touch you put his hand on your breast. RED: I will. MOTHER: If he enjoys touching you he's a hideous gnome. Run like crazy. RED: I will. MOTHER: If he charms you he's a prince. Stab him to death. RED: I will, Mother. MOTHER: Stab him right to death or he'll carry you to his castle and you'll never be heard from again. RED: I will, Mother. MOTHER: Unless he's a handsome prince. RED: Okay. MOTHER: In that case ignore him completely so he'll follow you forever. RED: I will. MOTHER: What are we saying. You're too young to talk to strangers. Go straight to Grandmom's. RED: Bye bye. MOTHER: You're going? RED: To Grandmom's. MOTHER: How dare you desert me. RED: Sorry, Mother. MOTHFR: You'll stay? Oh wonderful. Help me with my chores~ RED: All right, Mother. MOTHER: First, take these goodies to your Grandmother's. RED: All right, Mother. MOTHER: Wait. There are dangers out there. Not if she stays on the path. But if she strays from the path. She won't stray. She might stray. Stay. RED: All right. MOTHER: You're sitting? Don't cling to your Mother. RED: All right. MOTHER: Sit down, I'm talking to you. RED: All right, Mother. MOTHER: It's a beautiful day. Get some sunshine. RED: Okay. MOTHER: Better yet, run these goodies over to your Grandmother's. RED: I will. (RED exits.) MOTHER: I knew one day she'd leave.

SCENE 2

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD and the BIG BAD WOLF.

WOLF: Nice hat. You from around here? RED: Yeah. WOLF: It's a pretty area. RED: Your woods seem nice. WOLF: Much cooler. RED: Don't get much light I guess. WOLF: Less light. Lots of space. Good location. RED: It is. WOLF: Fine view. RED: You call it woods or wood? WOLF: Woods, wood, forest... RED: Both. WOLF: Don't ask me what a thicket is. Come sit in the shade. RED: No thanks. WOLF: I like your basket. RED: It's my Mom's. WOLF: Can I see? RED: I have to get to my Grandmother's. WOLF: That's your Grandmother? RED: You know her? WOLF: Down at the end of the road, right at the fork-- RED: Left-- WOLF: Yeah, left,'til you pass the lake-- RED: Right before the lake. WOLF: What's the number on her door...? RED: Four. WOLF: Right. Sweet woman. RED: She's been sick. WOLF: She has seemed kind of...unwell. RED: Does your face sweat a lot? WOLF: No more than yours. RED: How far out do your claws come? WOLF: Tah dah. RED: Gleaming needles. WoLF: I keep them clean. RED: They're so long. WOLF: Thank you. RED: I've never seen such big teeth. WOLF: I've never seen such smooth bare hands. How do you make them glow like that? RED: I don't know. (RED slaps her ankle.) RED: Mosquito. WOLF: I'll scratch it for you. RED: No thanks.

WOLF: It's the least I can do. You wouldn't have been bitten if you hadn't stopped to talk with me. RED: Somebody scratching somebody else's bite? WOLF: When you scratch yourself you can't fully enjoy the relief. Let me have your leg. Come on. Pull up the cape. Up, I don't want to tear it. Slide down the sock. Relax. RED: Ow. Ee. WOLF: Now with the teeth. RED: Ooo-Stop. Someone could see. What would... WOLF: You're right. RED: So. WOLF: The itch is gone, right! RED: Just a little dot of blood. WOLF: Are you blushing? RED: No. WOLF: Your face is as red as your hood. RED: That's the way it goes. WOLF: So how about a tour of the woods? RED: Oh no. WOLF: You're sure? RED: I have to get to Grandmom's house. WOLF: I should be going too. But let me give you some advice. You walk too fast. Take some time to admire all the beautiful flowers along the path. Pick your Grandmother a bouquet.

(WOLF goes. RED plucks flowers.)

RED: Staring at the sun. Sobbing little drops. Pluck. Gripping the dirt. Soft little stem. Pluck. Whispering? Shh. Pluck. Pluck. Blue. Pluck. Purple. Pluck. Pink. Pluck. Pluck. Pluck. Pluck.

SCENE 3 The HUNTER sits, is served by the MOTHER.

HUNTER: Where's my slab o' steak? MOTHER: Coming dear. HUNTER: If a hunter doesn't have his slab o' steak he can't grab his gun and if he can't grab his gun he can't blast the beasts and if he can't blast the beasts how's he gonna market their meats if he can't market their meats there's no way he can house his spouse and if he can't house his spouse then where's he supposed to eat his slab o' steak, in the gosh darn mud crap slop? MOTHER: You didn't get one of your arms into your shirt, dear. HUNTER: Sure you miss a sleeve now and then or sometimes you forget to button a few buttons, but what about the sleeve you did get into the shirt, what about the buttons you did button. I'm sick and tired of people who always focus on the empty sleeve or the unbuttoned button-- MOTHER: Your fly's open.

HUNTER: --or the opened fly, when the fact is if the truth be known when push comes to shove it's the people with the unbuttoned buttons and unsleeved arms who are out there not looking at the lookers who are looking at them but just plain out there being out there. I'm out there. MOTHER: I know you're out there, dear. HUNTER: I'm the one who faces the heat and the snow and the dirt-- and let me tell you it gets dirty--so I can brave the hills and the lakes and the pebbles--which inevitably get in your boots--to grapple with the branches and the ragweed and the pollen--'til I'm sneezin' my head off--don't make me remind you about the time I got poison oak all across the cheeks o' my butt-do you have any idea how filthy my toenails get by the end of the day and why! So I can shoot the beasts that make the coats that coat the backs of the very people who stand there staring at my empty sleeve when they should have been paying more attention to the arm in their own back yard in the first place. MOTHER: There's grease on your nose and steak on your forehead, and your fork is lodged behind your ear. HUNTER: What's a drop o' grease on a hunter's nose for the sake of his home, or a fork in his ear for his family? I love this fork and I love this family and let me tell you something, sister, I may have a slab of greasy beef suspended from my brow but that won't stop me from pumping ten ounces ofled into a fat-assed quadruped at close range because it's a dog eat dog jungle in that forest. MOTHER: You're tangled up in the chair, dear. HUNTER: Of course there'll be a few tangled chairs along the way. A night in hell is no picnic. MOTHER: You've put your head through the table. HUNTER: You're darn straight there are gonna be a few heads stuck in a handful of tables, but you can rest assured that when I feel the fresh air in my lungs I'11 be thanking God I live in a house where I have the right to shove my foot through a chair and bash my head through a table and ram a fork in my ear- MOTHER: It's in your eye now. HUNTER: --in my eye if I want so I can go out and fetch my family a sack of juicy shanks. MOTHER: And a new table. HUNTER: And a new table. MOTHER: And a chair. HUNTER: And a chair. MOTHER: And some eggs. HUNTER: Did you make a list? MOTHER: See you at supper.

(HUNTER'S rifle goes off as he struggles to get through the door with the chair on his leg. MOTHER shakes her head and smiles)

SCENE 4 GRANDMOTHER in her bed.

GRANDMOTHER: Yecch. (Spits.) I'm spitting up my rotten guts. Where's my lousy bowl. Have to crawl to the cupboard on my throbbing knees. Can't open the latch with my cracked-up knuckles. Back to the bed for that worthless ointment. Can't grip the cap in my rotten wrecked-up teeth, where's my busted tweezers. Lousy bowl was right here the whole time. Useless eyes. Yecch. (Spits.) Missed. (A knock at the door.) GRANDMOTHER: Knock knock yourself. WOLF: It's Little Red Riding Hood with a snack from Mother. GRANDMOTHER: Couldn't keep down a snack if I wanted to. WOLF: There's a pie and a muffin... GRANDMOTHER: Leave me alone. WOLF: and some wine... GRANDMOTHER: Get in here.'Snot locked. (WOLF enters.) WOLF: Into the closet. I'm here to eat your Granddaughter. GRANDMOTHER: You discriminate against the aged? WOLF: I'll eat you later. GRANDMOTHER: Right now, or I don't budge. WOLF: Sorry but I'm going to relax now, to get ready for Little Red. GRANDMOTHER: You could put an end to every ache in my body in an instant and I demand you do it. WOLF: I'm a wolf, not a charity worker. I'll get to you when I feel like it. GRANDMOTHER: You'll never eat me, I know it. I'I1 keep getting more dumb and decrepit 'til there isn't a tooth left in my--ocean? teaspoon? and I can't even get myself up out of the--soldier? celery? --- Oh stitch. I'm losing my ability to think of the right word to plant. I can hardly pair. Please shove me into your three and cloud me. Chew my worthless green and my aching born and my throbbing hilltop into a thousand tiny candle. This is knit. Look at my tree. Are you glorious? Blades are streaming down my sun and it's all because you won't open up your jolly is. I'm begging on my bended how. WOLF: Old ladies are a pain in my ass. Okay, I’ll eat you if- GRANDMOTHER: Huh? WOLF: I’ll eat you- GRANDMOTHER: What? WOLF: I'll - GRANDMOTHER: Now I can hardly hear a word you flay. There's just this loud table. I'm losing my powder. I'm going as. WOLF: (Into her ear.) I'I1 eat you if you hand me your shawl. GRANDMOTHER: Greetings. (She hands him her shawl, crawls under the sheets. WOLF crawls under, eats her, emerges in her shawl.)

SCENE 5 RED and the WOLF.

RED: Grandmom? WOLF: Come on in, honey. Shut the door. Get comfy. Surprise.

RED: Hi. WOLF: Hi. RED: How've you been? WOLF: Thinking about you. How have you been? RED: Since Grandmom's gone we can have a muffin. WOLF: I would love a muffin. RED: Okay. WOLF: How'd it get smushed? RED: My Mother put a stone in and took it out again. WOLF: Why'd she do that? Anyway, it's a delicious muffin. RED: You looked weird in Grandmom's shawl. WOLF: Did I surprise you? RED: Uh, no. WOLF: I was afraid if you saw me right when you walked in you might run. You seemed so bashful before. RED: I picked flowers like you said. WOLF: Very pretty. RED: You like this place? WOLF: Nice light. I live in a hole. What? RED: Huh? WOLF: I thought you were going to say something. RED: Oh no. When I'm in your stomach will I be alive? WOLF: You'll be unconscious. RED: For how long? WOLF: A few minutes. Then you run out of air. But you won't feel anything at that point. RED: No one's woken up and couldn't breathe? WOLF: Not that I know of. RED: Couldn't you kill me with your teeth on the way in? WOLF: It's better for me if I swallow you whole. And for you too. Less mess. RED: Should I get undressed? WOLF: Just take off your shoes. RED: How was Grandmom? WOLF: I prefer kids. RED: On the bed? WOLF: Sure. (They go to the bed.) RED: Now I'm scared. WOLF: Don't be. (He eats her, falls asleep.)

SCENE 6 The HUNTER enters followed by the MOTHER.

MOTHER: She always comes straight home.

HUNTER: Would you pipe the heck down with your pointless panic before you work yourself up--- See? There's her basket and her shoes and the Wolf--into a dizzy freakin' frenzy. Help Wolf! Help Wolf! MOTHER: You've got a gun, he doesn't have a gun. And besides he's fast asleep. HUNTER: Right. I'm in the perfect position to blast the biggest beast in the forest with the flick of a finger. MOTHER: Let me cut Little Red from his belly first. HUNTER: The Big Bad Wolf’s mine. Oh yes. Oh good. Oh very good. (HUNTER sings, as MOTHER pulls RED and GRANDMOTHER from the WOLF's belly and embraces them.) Oh hooray for my land And hooray for my clothes And hooray for my hand And hooray for my nose GRANDMOTHER: Eyelid melon Friday. MOTHER: She's lost her mind, Red. Should we weep? Should we scream? Should we hug her with all our might? RED: I don't know, Mother. MOTHER: Should we press her with flowers? RED: Uhh... MOTHER: Should we bring her the usual goodies? RED: Uhhh... GRANDMOTHER: (Spits.) MOTHER: Should we make our hands into claws~ BED: I don't know, Mother. GRANDMOTHER: Screaming hailstones. HUNTER: C’mon, Wolf! Arise and be blasted. MOTHER: Should we whip ourselves with belts? RED: Uhhh... MOTHER: Should we sink in silent horror? RED: Uhhh... HUNTER: That does it. You leave me no choice but to count backwards from ten. MOTHER: There's nothing we can do. HUNTER: Nine. MOTHER: But it happens to everyone. HUNTER: Eight. MOTHER: And the sun still shines for us. HUNTER: Seven. MOTHER: And the birds still sing for us. HUNTER: Six. RED: I want... HUNTER: Five. RED: ...the Wolf. HUNTER: Four. MOTHER: But the Wolf will eat you... HUNTER: Three.

MOTHER: ...to death. HUNTER: Two. MOTHER: She wants to be dead. HUNTER: She wants to be dead? MOTHER: Talk to her. HUNTER: I'm about to blast the Wolf. MOTHER: You can't blast the Wolf ‘til you've talked to her. HUNTER: Listen, young lady. You are a piece of God. MOTHER: There is no God, dear. HUNTER: I know that. Listen, young lady. You are a piece of fish. MOTHER: What he means is--- HUNTER: No one knows what you are. MOTHER: So it's important to--- HUNTER: A life unlived is a terrible thing to lack. MOTHER: He means--- HUNTER: You have what you are, but you get what you make. MOTHER: Although now you feel ugly and stupid-- HUNTER: Your Mother's right. MOTHER: --rest assured that I've been there, dear. HUNTER: Your Mother's right. MOTHER: And I know tomorrow's going to be better. HUNTER: Your Mother's right. MOTHER: The day after tomorrow won't be quite as good, but the day after that will be just fine. HUNTER: She's right. MOTHER: The weekend will stink. HUNTER: She's right. MOTHER: But by the end of the month-- GRANDMOTHER: (Silent scream.) MOTHER: Please, Mother. HUNTER: What your Mother's trying to say is life's filled with hills but every pitfall has a silver lining. MOTHER: You see someday--- HUNTER: She's trying to tell you every stormy sea strengthens your spirit. MOTHER: Because before long-- HUNTER: She's trying to say that with each roadblock your spirit grows stronger and stronger and stronger and stronger-- MOTHER: And then one day you'll look up to see someone walking towards you on the horizon and he’ll--- HUNTER: How can this guy walk on a horizon? MOTHER: --along the horizon and he’ll--- HUNTER: If he were walking along the horizon how could he also be walking towards her? MOTHER: --against the horizon and he'll take you in his- HUNTER: Oh I get it are you saying that you're here and she's here so the guy's walking towards her along your horizon?

MOTHER: Listen, Red: Life is good, death is bad. HUNTER: Right. Now hold your ears, ladies. (The HUNTER shoots several times until the entire room is blasted to bits and the stage is filled with smoke. ) Got him. Probably.

EPILOGUE RED pursues the WOLF. RED: Please eat me again, Mister Wolf. I'11 just curl into a little ball and slide right down. Let me in, please please? WOLF: I can't eat you. I'm dead. So I've really got to be moving on. RED: Eat me first? WOLF: No time. Sorry. RED: It's not fair. WOLF: Tell me about it. RED: My heart wants you and my bones want you and my toes want you and my everything wants you. WoLF: I wanted you, too. Very much. But I can't help you now. Let go. RED: So what do I do? WOLF: Live happily ever after, I guess. RED: Huh.