what are some common sexual problems experienced during marriage? Next, what are some of the primary contributors to extramarital affairs?

Lecture Notes: Module 4 (For Exam 3)

Table of Contents HS 301: Sex Education: Talking to Kids About Sex

Stanton Jones, Ph.D.

HS 302: Teens and Sex: Taming the Drive Chap Clark, M.Div., Ph.D.

HS 303: Single Sexuality Sharon Morris May, Ph.D.

HS 304: Infertility: When the Nest is Empty William Cutrer, M.A., M.D.

SEXUAL CHALLENGES

Course Description Next to learning about God’s desire and design for intimacy as adults, there is no greater challenge than teaching sex education to children. Dr. Jones traverses this slippery highway with grace and truth as he instructs people how to teach children about God’s good plan for healthy sexuality. Learning Objectives: By the end of this lesson, students:

1. Will understand the various approaches and beliefs about sex education, as well as the relevance of character education to sex education.

2. Will learn a five-factor model of character building that teaches children

to be pure.

3. Will learn twelve key principles that should guide effective Christian sex education.

HS 301 SEX EDUCATION: TALKING TO KIDS

ABOUT SEX Stanton Jones, Ph.D.

Introduction

Many Christian parents and churches are failing to provide effective sex education to their

children. Sex education is not and cannot be primarily about providing information about

sex to our children, but is instead about forming and molding the character of children to

lead and equip them to love purity and virtue, and to give them the strengths needed to live

healthy and wholesome lives. A five-factor model of character is presented, focusing on

values, beliefs, needs, strengths and supports. The session concludes with a discussion of

twelve key principles that should guide effective Christian sex education.

I. The Dimensions of the Sex Education Problem

A. One in Ten Teenagers has had Sexual Intercourse before the Age of 13. B. Current High School Statistics:

CDC* Ever Had Sexual Intercourse? 1999 Females Males Total

Grade 9 32.5 44.5 38.6 Grade 12 65.8 63.9 64.9

CDC* Currently Sexually Active?

(sex in last 3 months?) 1999 Females Males Total

Grade 9 24.0 29.1 26.6 Grade 12 53.0 48.1 50.6

CDC* Currently Abstinent?

1999 Females Males Total Grade 9 26.7 34.7 31.3

Grade 12 19.5 24.6 22.0 CDC* 4 or More Lifetime Sex Partners?

1999 Females Males Total Grade 9 7.9 15.6 11.8

Grade 12 20.6 20.6 20.6 * Data From the Youth Risk Behavior Surveillance Program of the US Centers for Disease Controls (www.cdc.gov/mmwr/preview )

A. Sexual intercourse statistics are not the whole story.

• Oral sex is increasingly common.

• Alcohol and drug abuse is increasingly common.

B. One out of every four teenagers will contract a sexually transmitted disease.

C. About 20% of the sexually active teenagers will get pregnant each year, and that is a 20% decline since 1991. A good number of those pregnancies will end in abortion

II. Major Approaches to Secular Sex Education

A. Straight biological education: Often offered with a presumption that kids “just need the facts” to make the right decisions for them, and sometimes offered in a hope that the “facts” about disease and pregnancy will “scare them away” from premature sexual experimentation.

B. Values clarification: The attempt to “non-judgmentally” explore the values and moral beliefs of adolescents without “imposing” moral beliefs on the kids

(because, after all, “people can’t shove beliefs down the throats of adolescents”).

C. Inoculation: An approach to preparing kids to resist pressure from peers to have sex, on the rationale that it needs to be “their choice” when “they are ready.”

D. Abstinence education: A good approach, but this education is typically offered too late to really shape a child’s view of sexuality. This can only happen effectively in the family.

III. The Solution to Christian Sex Education

A. Moral character education: The decisions children make about how they conduct themselves sexually will flow out of their moral character. Sex education is the shaping of that moral character, and it is the responsibility of parents to shape the character of their children. To do this well, someone must be committed to a life-long process of shaping your child’s sexual character.

B. The Biblical responsibility of parenting: "These are the commands, decrees and laws the Lord your God directed me to teach you to observe in the land that you are crossing the Jordan to possess, so that you, your children and their children after them may fear the Lord your God as long as you live by keeping all His decrees and command that I give you, and so that you may enjoy long life. Hear, O Israel, and be careful to obey so that it may go well with you and that you may increase greatly in a land flowing with milk and honey, just as the Lord, the God of your fathers, promised you. Hear, O Israel: the Lord our God, the Lord is One. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the door frames of your houses and on your gates." (Deuteronomy 6:1-9)

C. The final goal of parental sex education:

• People want more than to simply prevent their kids from contracting a terminal disease or getting pregnant.

• People want more than to simply encourage their kids to remain abstinent.

• The most important goal is to keep children safe during the formative teenage years, and to equip and empower children to enter adulthood capable of living godly, wholesome, and fulfilled lives as Christian men and women, Christian wives and husbands who will enjoy God’s blessings of sexuality in their own marriages.

IV. Major Reasons Why Parents Fail to do Sex Education

A. Parents feel incompetent due to lack of practice or lack of developed skill. B. Parents feel incompetent due to lack of biological knowledge.

C. Parents feel inarticulate about their moral beliefs.

D. Parents feel a sense of privacy and modesty about talking about sex.

E. Parents feel a desire to protect their child from premature sexual interest and

preoccupation.

F. Parents feel deeply ashamed and guilty about their past sexual behavior, and feel intimidated about the possibility of being questioned by their children.

Believers are up against a lot. But God has made them responsible to teach children and help develop their moral character. And, what He has called to do, He will enable to do it.

V. The Five Building Blocks of Sexual Character

A. Needs—All people have a need for relatedness and significance.

• Relatedness: After God created Adam, He said that it was not good for the man to be alone. God knew that He made man with a need for love and acceptance— what counselors call relatedness. He made Eve and met man’s need for relatedness--relatedness to God and to each other

• Significance: Adam and Eve were given work to do in the garden-- responsibility from God that gave their lives significance. They were to exercise dominion over the entire created world! People each need a sense that their lives have meaning, that they are filling a purpose. People often tell their kids that their purpose in life is to become the kind of people that God wants them to be--to learn to love and follow and obey Him.

• Three of the four most powerful predictors of teen sexual experimentation are closeness with parent (relatedness), personal faith (relatedness to God) and grades in school (significance).

B. Values—People teach values to their children most powerfully by the values that they as parents live by, by the choices they make.

• Actions: Children read parents like a book for what they value. Do parents say they value time with their children, but always seem too busy to actually spend that time with them? Do parents take greater joy in our material possessions than in service to the Lord? It behooves all parents to do an honest assessment of where time is going and what this says about values. Then parents need to ask themselves "Is this what I want to teach my child to value; is this what really matters?"

• Praise: Do parents praise their children for grades they get, or for the skills that

they are developing? Do parents praise their children for fitting in, for being popular, or for showing strength and character even if, because of it, they are not accepted by others?

Parents have tried to say to their children "I'm so proud that you are doing well in school (or baseball, or piano, or friendships, etc.), but I am most proud that you love God and that you want to follow Him. If you do that, your life will always have value.”

• Recognizing virtues: It is critical to shape children to value Christian virtue--to

teach them love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control. (i.e.: "Jenny, you were so patient with your little sister!"

• Stories: Parents teach children values by the stories they expose them to-- books, movies, and songs.

C. Beliefs—In place of current culture’s distortions, children need to be taught a true Christian understanding of sexuality.

• God made humanity in two genders, men and women, and called each good.

• Being a physical body is good; people are bodies (though not just bodies).

• Sexuality is a good gift from God.

• Humanity is fallen, sinful, in rebellion against God, and twisted and distorted.

• God has revealed his moral will for sexual lives in the Bible.

• The act of sexual intercourse is itself given a fixed meaning and purpose:

“Haven't you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female’, and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate." (Matthew 19:4-6)

D. Skills—By shaping a child’s skills, people are helping to form their character. Parents need to ask: "What skills can I teach or train in my children that will benefit them for the rest of their lives?'' Skills are primarily taught by what people praise, by what they model, by their words of instruction, and by practice.

Here are some of the key skills parents need to teach children that will contribute to them having a strong, godly sexual character:

• Empathy—the ability to understand others (how they feel and think).

• Strength or assertiveness—the ability to say NO to being drawn into immoral situations.

• Self control—the ability of a child to obey on his or her own (moving from living by parents’ rules to making those rules their own).

• Delay of Gratification—understanding that greater joy often comes through

sacrificing immediate gratification of a desire for the sake of obtaining something better later.

• Decision Making--accurately understand the problem, think about all sides of the problem, generate solutions, think of the possible outcomes then to pick a solution.

• Supports—from parents and peers. Research indicates a powerful predictor of a child’s behavior is the behavior of his/her peer group. Parents can be a loving encouragement to our children and go that extra mile in helping them form good Christian friendships (driving to youth group, being willing to let them invite friends over often).

VI. Twelve Principles of Effective Christian Sex Education

A. Principle #1: Sexual Education is the Shaping of Character.

B. Principle #2: Parents ARE the principle sex educators; they will either have an anemic, unintentional, mixed-up and hence negative impact, or a powerful, deliberate, clear and positive impact.

C. Principle #3: Stories are as powerful, or more powerful, than principles or

"logic" as a teaching tool.

D. Principle #4: The best teaching of a child occurs at "teachable moments" when discussion and instruction meshes naturally with the events and needs of daily life. One of the best goals for parents to strive for is to become an "askable" parent whom kids can come to with questions.

E. Principle #5: First messages are the most potent; it is far more powerful to form a child's view of sexuality from scratch than it is to correct the distortions they will pick up in the world.

F. Principle #6: Accurate and explicit messages are far better than cryptic, vague ones. Language that seems explicit to us can be quite obscure to a child. Parents should err on the side of providing too much information. Parents should be age-appropriate, and detailed, clear and direct.

G. Principle #7: Positive messages are more potent than negative messages. The truth of the Christian view of sex is a good, positive truth: Sex is a marvelous gift of God. As Christians we believe good is more powerful than evil.

H. Principle #8: We can’t inoculate our children against negative influences. What parents want to do is psychologically immunize their children against the germs of non-Christian immoral messages which they are soon to encounter in the world. Inoculation means deliberately introducing our kids to the arguments and pressures they will experience later on, but in the safe environment of our family, and helping them reason through how those influences are unconvincing, false, and destructive.

I. Principle #9: The closer and more positive the relationship between parent and child, the greater the parent's influence upon the behavior of the child.

J. Principle #10: Repetition is critical; the most important messages about

sexuality rarely "get through" on the first try.

K. Principle #11: Sexuality is not the most important thing in life. People must strive to put sexuality into its proper perspective.

L. Principle #12: God can heal and redeem anything; no human actions are beyond the reach of His redeeming intent and capability. Parents must teach their children how to recover from mistakes and wrong choices by the Christian disciplines of confession, repentance, forgiveness and reconciliation.

Bibliography/Reading List The “God’s Design for Sex” books series [awarded the 1996 Gold Medallion award by the Evangelical Christian Publishers Association as the best book series of the year in Family and Parenting]: Jones, Stanton & Brenna Jones. The Story of Me--Book 1 (Ages 3 to 5). (Colorado Springs, CO: NavPress, 1995).

Nystrom, C. Before I Was Born—Book 2 (Ages 5 to 8). (Colorado Springs, CO: NavPress,

1995).

Jones, S., & Jones, B What's the Big Deal? Why God Cares About Sex—Book 3 (Ages 8 to 11). (Colorado Springs, CO: NavPress, 1995).

Jones, S., & Jones, B. Facing the Facts: The Truth About Sex and You.—Book 4 (Ages 11 to

14). (Colorado Springs, CO: NavPress, 1995).

Jones, S., & Jones, B. How and When to Tell Your Kids About Sex: A Life-long Approach to Shaping Your Child's Sexual Character. (Colorado Springs, CO: NavPress, 1993). [Awarded the 1994 Gold Medallion award by the Evangelical Christian Publishers Association as the best book of the year in Family and Parenting. Translated into Korean and Russian.]

HS 301 Study Questions

1. What is the state of sexual activity among teenagers today? Why is it crucial that parents and churches strive to do a better job in the area of sex education?

2. What are the common secular approaches to sex education and how do these fall short of the Christian approach? According to the Bible, what should be the goal of Christian sex education and who is primarily responsible for carrying it out?

3. Why do so many parents fail at sex education? How can these barriers be overcome?

4. What are the five building blocks of a child’s character? How are these related to a child’s sexual character?

5. According to Stanton and Brenna Jones, what are the twelve principles of effective Christian sex education and how can these be put into practice?

Soul Care Notes Genesis 39:7-12 Leviticus 10:1-3 Deuteronomy 11:18-19 Joshua 4:19-24 Psalm 103:17 1 Thessalonians 4:4 2 Timothy 3:14-15

Course Description Most people believe that all there is to adolescent sexuality is “raging hormones,” and therefore assume that all people have to teach teens are strategies to “just say no.” But there is much more to human sexuality than simply a physiological drive. Especially during adolescence, sexuality becomes the focal point for a complex series of interrelated factors and urgent needs. In a culture that continues to push the limits on defining and describing sexuality as simply a plaything or a wildly free behavior that has no connection to a person’s soul, today’s youth need the church to help them sort out the varied issues regarding their sexuality and to recognize that God is faithful in helping them navigate the turbulent waters of teenage sex and sexual behavior and choices. Learning Objectives: By the end of this lesson, students:

1. Will understand the biblical and theological parameters and guidelines that speak to adolescent sexuality, romantic relationships, and dating.

2. Will develop a comprehensive understanding of sexuality and sexual

behavior within the context of the multiple dimensions of healthy relationships.

3. Will be able to employ the tool “The Relationship Graph” in teaching and counseling students (and singles) in how to develop and maintain healthy dating practices and choices,

HS 302 TEENS AND SEX: TAMING THE DRIVE

Chap Clark, M.Div., Ph.D.

Introduction

In dealing with sexuality, both the church and the culture claim that as sex is only a

behavior, and it is up to each person to simply choose when it is appropriate to participate.

The Bible, however, teaches that God-created sexuality is far more than a behavior or a

choice; it is about the whole person. When teens struggle with their sexual feelings, urges

and drives, it is important that the church help them to understand what is behind the

physical drives and to see people’s bodies, souls and relational choices as God sees them.

His call is to holiness, but that calling is about caring for the best of others as people

develop their attitudes and make choices.

The biblical definition of love is to selflessly care more about the person who is in front of another than about meeting a person’s own needs. If one truly loves, then he/she will do whatever it takes to ensure the very best for one he/she loves. I. The Definition and Theology of Love In English we use love in so many ways – from “I love you Grandma” to “I love green beans.” The Greeks can help us to understand this word because they had several words for our term love rate we will use the “lowest” and “highest” form of the Greek words for love):

A. Eros – Love for a THING

• It is a selfish, “for me” kind of love.

• It is a conditional love, based on a feeling.

• It is a temporary love.

B. Agape – Love for a PERSON

• It is a giving, “for you” kind of love.

• It is a committed love, based on a choice to care.

• It is a lasting love.

C. The pervasiveness of EROS: When teenagers have been asked which type of

love best represents their world – school, community, even church – today nearly 100% of the students raise their hand for Eros. (Fifteen years ago it was more like 70%.)

Clearly this is a world where adolescent sexuality is more about a selfish attempt to grab whatever love, relationship, and (yes) sex one can, even if that means treating one’s partner as a thing instead of person worthy of gentleness, honesty, care and respect.

D. The cry out of AGAPE: When asked, in contrast, which kind of love they would like to be loved with in a dating or romantic relationship, it has remained constant at 100% in every setting, faith based or secular – “I want to be loved with Agape!”

Seventeen magazine and the Kaiser Family Foundation teamed up to survey teens about sex. Some of the findings from the most recent “SexSmarts” survey of 503 15- 17 year old teens:

· 37% of sexually active teens’ parents don’t know they are having sex. · 56% of sexually active teens have never talked with a parent about sexual

decision making.

II. The Relationship Graph THE RELATIONSHIP GRAPH is a tool designed to help a person to understand that a person’s body and sexuality are no more and no less a part of who a person is as any other aspect of the person. God has created people whole, designed them to treat one another with respect and kindness, and called them to live as brothers and sisters who are extremely careful when it comes to how people treat one another, especially with our sexuality and sexual drive!

A. Some Definitions from 1 Thessalonians 4:3(f)

• God’s will: To be sanctified

• Sanctified: To be purified, clean; not sexually immoral

• Sexual immorality: Any sexual expression outside of God’s design, desire and instructions for how our sexuality is to be used, which is ultimately in the context of a committed, trusting, publicly promised safe relationship (in most cultures that means marriage)

• Passionate Lust: Literally a “forbidden longing”; better described as wanting to consume or obtain what is not a person’s to control (this is very close to the meaning of eros)

KEY POINT: TO EQUIP TEENS TO CONNECT THEIR DESIRE TO WANT TO BE LOVED WITH AGAPE WITH THEIR ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS COUNSELORS MUST HELP THEM TO TREAT

OTHERS WTH AGAPE AS GOD HAS CALLED THEM.

“It is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him. The Lord will punish men for all such sins, as we have already told you and warned you. For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life. Therefore, he who rejects this instruction does not reject man but God, who gives you his Holy Spirit.” -- 1 Thessalonians 4:3-8 (NIV)

B. The Relationship Graph* Amount of Intimacy

Emotional Physical Social Intellectual Spiritual Degree of

Commitment (= Amount of trust in relationship)

*The Relationship Graph is designed to work as a reflective and analysis tool to determine where a relationship is displaying Agape and Eros as it plays out in everyday life. The tool is based on a percentage bar graph methodology (see the video for a more complete explanation of how this tool works).

• Intimacy: Anything of a person that is given away or handed over, and it can never be gotten back (can be in any area).

• Emotional: The place where a person feels interested, or infatuated, in pursuing a romantic relationship with someone else (this is not a bad thing, for God has designed us to feel romantic excitement).

“Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth-- for your love is more delightful than wine. Pleasing is the fragrance of your perfumes; your name is like perfume poured out. No wonder the maidens love you! Take me away with you--let us hurry! Let the king bring me into his chambers. We rejoice and delight in you; we will praise your love more than wine. How right they are to adore you!” – Song of Songs 1:2-4

• Physical: Typically thought in terms of sexuality, but more specifically any touching that carries romantic intent.

• Social: Any free time spent either together or involved directly with that person (like email or phone), excluding school, work, sleep, etc.

• Intellectual: Talking together.

• Spiritual: Allowing truth and issues relating to God to become a focus of

connection and relationship

• Degree (or level) of Commitment: As with the definition of agape, this is where there is mutual trust that is supported by the relationship. The two lines represent, starting from the right, engagement (the far right side of the graph represents the marriage covenant as described in Scripture) and the next one to the left “of high school seniors who are ‘committed’ and ‘in love.’”

C. A Case Study of the Relationship Graph

As the RELATIONSHIP GRAPH is filled in with a case study example of a romantic (or even friendship) relationship, the graph itself becomes the subject of analysis instead of the descriptors used to create the scores. An example of a fairly typical high school dating relationship that has little sexual boundaries and very little communicative depth follows:

Amount of Intimacy

Emotional Physical Social Intellectual Spiritual Degree of

Commitment

D. Using the Relationship Graph as a Teaching and Counseling Tool:

• Any time any area of a relationship passes beyond the level or amount of commitment that area falls into an eros type of love in the relationship. Whether the couple is aware of this or not is not the issue. What matters is recognizing that any behavior, attitude or activity that is not driven by and grounded in committed, caring, trusting love for the other person (according to a theological definition of that concept) is by definition self-centered and, therefore, eros.

• In this case study, the areas where eros has overcome a commitment to agape is in the amount of emotions that are driving the need to be together, the extensive sexual intimacy the couple has allowed into their relationship, and the great amount of time and energy spent with their partner. There is also little intellectual and even less spiritual connection. All this for a couple that is still a few steps away from being “committed” (as high school students define that term). This is primarily an eros relationship, and if things are not carefully and proactively turned around, both of these people are going to hurt the other and be hurt in the process. That is the nature of an eros relationship – it always ends up hurting one or both people when all is said and done.

HS 302 Study Questions

1. What does the word “love” mean in the English language? Where does the word love and its meanings originate?

2. Compare and contrast eros and agape. Which type of love characterizes the

relationships of most teenagers today? Which type of love do most teens long for? Why?

3. Why is it necessary to go beyond controlling physical desires when teaching

teenagers about sexual purity? 4. What is the relationship graph? Define its components, and give an example of how

it works as a tool in counseling and helping teens. 5. What does 1 Thessalonians 4:3(f) teach about sexual purity and the biblical concept

of love?

Soul Care Notes Song of Solomon 3:5 John 14:15 John 15:12-13 Romans 13:8-10 1 Corinthians 8:1 1 Corinthians 13 Galatians 5:22 1 Thessalonians 4:5 2 Timothy 2:22 1 John 4:7-21

Course Description Possibly the most neglected area of sexual concern in the church is that of sexuality for singles. Whether single by divorce, design, or death, sexual feelings and drives do not stop merely because one is unmarried. Students will learn the issues and adjustments needed to live within the parameters established by God. Learning Objectives: By the end of this lesson, students:

1. Will learn a theology of single sexuality 2. Will understand the social and sexual issues singles face today

3. Will be able to understand the demographic shifts in single culture, and

learn how to help singles find sexual healing and healthy relationships

HS 303 SINGLE SEXUALITY

Sharon Morris May, Ph.D.

Introduction

Demographics of singles have changed and our single culture has shifted. This video will

not merely deal with the do’s and don’ts of single sexuality, but addresses the new issues

facing single culture today. Using a panel of experts in single sexuality, students will learn

the proper theology of sexuality and how to help singles develop healthy integrated

relationships within the church body.

I. The Demographics of Singles

A. The Demographic Shift

• 1900 – Only 5% single

• 1996 – 40% of adult population was single (1 in 4 never married)

B. Reasons for the Demographic Shift

• College attendance & career development

• Increased divorce rate

• Single moms

• Women in the workplace

C. Future Demographics: Single Adults May Exceed Married Adults II. How Our Culture Impacts Single Sexuality

A. Dr. Chap Clark

• Media’s false portrayal of sexuality

• Secret problem of fragmentation & loneliness

B. Dr. Catherine Hart Weber

• Men & sexual images

• Women & sexual images

1. Poor body image

2. Depression

C. Pastor Chris Adams:

• Difficulty of separating values and mindset

• Two key issues

1. Sexual addictions

2. Unresolved sexual trauma

D. Jennifer Cisney:

• Lack of sexual dialogue in churches

• Lack of spiritual support for singles with sexual issues

III. What is Occurring Among Singles Sexually Today

A. Emotional Involvement = Sexual Involvement

B. The Definition of Sex has Changed: Sex = Intercourse

C. The Myth: Sexuality and Spirituality are Separate

IV. The Theology of Sexuality

A. Sexuality is an Expression of Spiritual Intimacy

• It is about others.

• It is reflective of a relationship with God.

B. Sexuality after the Fall of Man became Selfish

• It is about meeting individual needs.

• It does not have limits.

C. The Differences between Males and Females

D. Singles are acting out of loneliness rather than from a theology of sex.

E. Sexuality involves much more than having sex.

F. Intimacy and emotional needs are not met through sex alone.

G. The Tension of Sexual Frustrations in the Single Season of Life

• The theology of sex is about freedom not frustrations

• Sexual issues should be talked about with freedom and honesty in the church

• Keeping the sexuality issues quiet forces the singles to turn outside the church V. Sexual Healing

A. Where does sexual healing come from?

• Understanding God can heal or redeem anything

• Finding someone to walk you through sexual healing

B. What does sexual healing look like in the church?

• The opportunity to talk about past pain of sexual abuse or sin

• The healing process through community and accountability groups

• Professional help vs. community help

1. Community is the primary tool

2. The church is called to be “dispensers of grace”

• Integrating singles into the body of Christ

1. Integration vs. segregation

2. Inter-generational connectedness

• Leadership that is comfortable with their own sexuality

• Promoting heart change rather than programs VI. Healthy Relationships among Singles

A. How does the church foster healthy single relationships?

• Non-dating relationships with the opposite sex are essential.

• Dating should occur within the realm of community groups.

• Honest dialogue needs to occur under the authority of the church.

B. What roles do grace and the Gospel play in single sexuality? VII. Dr. Doug Rosenau’s Theological Conclusion on Single Sexuality

A. “True Love Waits”

• The creation of sexuality and gender

• The covenant relationship of marriage

• Soul virginity

B. “Don’t”

• Repression vs. discipline

• Creating a heart attitude

• Behaviors resulting from values and open dialogue

Bibliography/Reading List Clark, Chap. Next Time I Fall in Love. (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 1987). Clinton, Tim and Gary Sibcy. Attachments. (Integrity Publishers, 2002). Elliot, Elisabeth. Quest for Love. (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 1996). Hart, Archibald. The Sexual Man: Masculinity Without Guilt. (Dallas, TX: Word, 1998). Hart, Archibald, and Sharon Hart Morris. Safe Haven Marriage. (Grand Rapids, MI: Word,

2003). Hart, Archibald, Catherine Hart Weber & Debra Taylor. Secrets of Eve. (Nashville, TN:

Word/Nelson, 1998). Hsu, Albert. Singles at the Crossroads: A Fresh Perspective on Christian Singleness.

(Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 1997). Rosenau, Doug. The Celebration of Sex. (Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson, 2002). Storkey, Elaine. The Search for Intimacy. (Grand Rapids, MI: Eerdmans, 1995).

HS 303 Study Questions 1. How have the demographics of singles changed in the past 100 years? What are the

reasons for these demographic shifts? 2. How has changing culture impacted the sexuality of singles today? What are the major

issues singles face concerning their sexuality? 3. What is the proper theology of single sexuality? Does it lead to frustration or freedom? 4. What does sexual healing look like? How can the church foster sexual healing and

healthy relationships among singles? 5. What conclusions did Dr. Rosenau add to the discussion of single sexuality and the

church’s role in healthy single relationships? Soul Care Notes Genesis 1:27-28 Genesis 2:18 Genesis 39:7-12 Exodus 15:20 Psalm 69:1-12 Luke 2:36 1 Thessalonians 4:4 Hebrews 13:5 .

Course Description The apparent inability to conceive and have children is one of the most devastating realities that 1 in 6 couples face. This course first addresses positive ways to tackle the initial setback by looking into revolutionary medical advances. Secondly, if infertility can’t be overcome, students will be taught how to come with and repair the challenges that come. Learning Objectives: By the end of this lesson, students:

1. Will be able to articulate a simple theology of dealing with temptation, while recognizing the importance of dying to sin in overcoming strongholds.

2. Will be able to identify some biblical ways of exerting self-control over

unwanted sexual attraction, as well as two categories of coping strategies discovered in psychological research.

3. Will be able to describe the implications of a study of sexual attraction experienced by pastors, psychologists, and business managers.

HS 304 INFERTILITY: WHEN THE NEST IS EMPTY

William Cutrer, M.A., M.D.

Introduction

Infertility and pregnancy loss are very common problems resulting from the curse of sin

after man’s fall. In this course we will explore the complex issues that couples face while

dealing with these difficulties: spiritual, marital, ethical, emotional and medical. Dr. Cutrer

draws from both medical and counseling expertise to help us understand how to better

help couples struggling with the loss and grief of infertility.

I. Biblical Background on Sexuality

A. Perfect Sexuality (Genesis 1,2)

• Innocence

• Imperative to reproduce (Genesis 1:26-28)

• Intimacy without shame (Genesis 2)

B. Penalty for Sin (Genesis 3)

• Curse on husband

• Curse on wife

1. Pain in conception – Implications for infertility and pregnancy loss

2. Pain in Childbearing

II. Medical Definitions of Infertility

A. Primary Infertility: The Inability to Conceive after One Year of Unprotected Intercourse or the Inability to Carry a Pregnancy to Term

B. Secondary Infertility: The Inability to Conceive or Carry a Child to Term after One or More Live Births.

C. How Common is Infertility?

• Approximately one in six couples of childbearing age

• Eventually half of these couples will experience a live birth

• Infertility includes pregnancy loss

1. 800,000 in the U.S. each year

2. 120,000 annually suffer at least their third consecutive pregnancy loss

3. Estimated that 30-50% of all conceptions end in pregnancy loss

These statistics are evidence that the curse of child-bearing affects people all the way back to the point of conception and causes profound pain and sexual difficulties in marriage.

III. Common Misconceptions about Infertility

A. Myth: “Its mostly a woman’s problem and it’s usually ‘all in her head.’ Either she wants children too much or she’s too ‘into her career’. Solution: She just needs to relax.”

Fact:

• 30% female factors

• 30% male factors

• 35% combination male/female

• 5% unexplained

• 95% of the time there is a diagnosable medical reason for which NO amount of relaxing will help.

B. Myth: “Couples have a lot of fun trying.”

Fact:

• 56% of couples report a decrease in frequency of sexual relations.

• Both women (59%) and men (42%) report a decrease in sexual satisfaction. • Sexual difficulties are five times those of fertile couples.

C. Myth: “You can always adopt.”

Fact: • Adoption is not the solution to infertility.

• Adoption does not solve many unfulfilled desires of parenting (genetic

similarities; experiencing pregnancy, child birth, or breastfeeding).

• Adoption usually emerges as a good option only after the couple has reached the “acceptance” stage of grieving over infertility.

• Adoption is expensive.

• Adoption takes time.

• Not everyone may adopt.

• Adoption is not for everyone.

• The adoption process often involves more losses.

D. Myth: “Real Christians are against any assisted reproductive technologies.”

• Response: Godly Christians, if they choose to use these technologies, need to use them wisely, in a way that honors the dignity of life, even at the one-celled stage.

• Arguments against medical intervention:

1. God opens and closes the womb.

2. Medical intervention is “playing God.”

3. Doctors take huge risks with embryos.

• Arguments for medical intervention:

1. Paul advised Timothy to drink “fruit of the vine” for his stomach’s sake.

2. We use chemotherapy for cancer, antibiotics for infections, insulin for diabetes.

3. Why not use medications for overcoming reproductive ailments?

IV. The Medical Processes of Infertility Evaluation

A. Ovulation Tests

B. Basal Body Temperature

C. LH Surge Kits

D. Progesterone Levels

E. Ultrasound Tests

F. Saliva Test

G. Semen Evaluation

H. Semen Analysis

I. Hamster Egg Penetration Test

J. Sims-Huhner: Post Coital Test

K. Anatomical Evaluation

• Hysterosalpingogram

• Ultrasound

• Laparoscopy

L. Hormone Evaluation

• Estrogen/Progesterone

• Thyroid

• Prolactin

• Androgens V. Infertility Treatment Options & Ethical Concerns

A. Medical Options

• Hormone therapy

• Ovulation induction

B. Surgical Options

• Laparoscopic

• Microscopic

C. Treatment Options

• Insemination

1. Husband

2. Donor

• Hyperstimulation/IUI

• Surrogacy

1. Traditional

2. Gestational

D. Hi-Tech Treatment Options

• GIFT

• ZIFT

• IVF-ET

• Micromanipulation

1. ICSI

2. ROSNI

3. Assisted hatching

• Additional issues

• Cryopreservation

1. Sperm

2. Eggs

3. Embryos

• Selective reduction

VI. Counseling Strategies for Couples Dealing with Infertility

A. Ask God for Wisdom: “But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all men generously and without reproach, and it will be given to

him.” James 1:5

B. Infertility is about Loss:

• Grief is normal but rarely parallel between husband and wife.

• Couples need to complete the grief process.

1. Denial

2. Anger

3. Bargaining

4. Depression

5. Mourning

6. Acceptance

C. Pain is Profound: “Cycle within a cycle”

• Monthly hope & despair along with lifetime cycle of tests, finances, new procedures, etc.

• Anticipate that anniversaries of sad events and holidays, especially Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, will be difficult.

D. Stress is Real: It ranks very high along with divorce, death of a loved one and even cancer.

• Sexual difficulties are common.

• Marital difficulties are common.

E. When Others Make Insensitive Remarks:

• Pray that the individual will grow in grace.

• Return good for what someone perceives to be evil.

• Feel free to be upset in private.

• When possible, educate them.

• Look for ways to glorify God.

• Minister to others who hurt in similar ways.

• Use pain as a doorway to reach the lost.

• Knowing that a glorious future awaits, rejoice in affliction (Romans 5).

• Worship, Worship, Worship

• Pray the Psalms.

• Listen to praise and worship music.

• Become involved in a supportive Christian group.

• Find a compassionate counselor. Bibliography/Reading List Cutrer, William. When Empty Arms Become a Heavy Burden: Encouragement for Couples

Experiencing Infertility. (Nashville, TN: Broadman & Holman). Cutrer, William. Sexual Intimacy in Marriage. (Grand Rapids, MI, Kregel Publications). Cutrer, William and Glahn, Sandra. The Infertility Companion. (Grand Rapids, MI:

Zondervan, 2003). Rosenau, Doug. The Celebration of Sex. (Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson, 2002).

HS 304 Study Questions What is the biblical background on sexuality? How did the curse of sin affect the ability to

bear children from conception through birth? What is the medical definition of infertility and how common is it today? What are some common misconceptions about infertility? How do the facts contradict

these myths? What types of medical evaluations will couples struggling with infertility have to face?

What are some treatment options that are available to them today? How can someone best help couples going through the battle of infertility? What are some

ethical guidelines that would help couples evaluate their treatment options and choices? In light of God’s sovereignty, is it right or wrong to try infertility treatments?

Soul Care Notes Genesis 18:11-12 Genesis 29:32 Genesis 44:30 1 Samuel 30:4-6 2 Samuel 1:17 Ezra 4:4 John 16:33 Galatians 6:9 1 Thessalonians 4:13-14

Lecture Notes: Module 5 (For Exam 3)

Table of Contents HS 305: Maintaining Sexual Purity: Attraction and Boundaries

Everett Worthington, Jr., M.S.N.E., Ph.D.

HS 306: Sexual Harassment/Boundary Violations Diane Langberg, Ph.D.

SEXUAL CHALLENGES

Course Description Maintaining sexual purity is a challenge whether one is married or single. It is not simply a matter of “just saying no” and trying harder. Sexual purity is a freedom that fuels godly intimacy, deep personal contentment, and sexual satisfaction at its highest. In this lesson, Dr. Worthington blends Scripture with a set of psychological studies to show how people can cope with sexual temptations in every day life. Learning Objectives: By the end of this lesson, students:

1. Will be able to articulate a simple theology of dealing with temptation, while recognizing the importance of dying to sin in overcoming strongholds.

2. Will be able to identify some biblical ways of exerting self-control over

unwanted sexual attraction, as well as two categories of coping strategies discovered in psychological research.

3. Will be able to describe the implications of a study of sexual attraction experienced by pastors, psychologists, and business managers.

HS 305 MAINTAINING SEXUAL PURITY: ATTRACTION AND BOUNDARIES

Everett Worthington, Jr., M.S.N.E., Ph.D.

Introduction

Temptation comes in many forms: (1) temptations for married people to engage in sexual

affairs like James is facing, or in activities like pornography or emotional infidelity; (2)

temptations for single people to hook up or live together or sleep together after beginning

dating or after engagement; or (3) temptations of professional counselors, pastors, or

business managers to have sexual contact with a client, parishioner, or subordinate. In this

video, students look at sexual temptation and how people deal with it. The topic is

approached from the perspective of Scripture and from experimental psychology. The

questions to consider are these: Is defeating sexual temptation a matter of self-control--

even self-control as a fruit of the Holy Spirit? Or is it sometimes more?

I. Introduction

A. The Many Forms of Sexual Temptation

B. Two Perspectives on Dealing with Sexual Temptation

• Scripture

• Experimental psychology

C. The Pivotal Questions

II. Theology of Sex, Marriage, and Temptation

A. Sex

• Did God created the animals with sex organs? (Genesis 1:22)

God created the animals and he created them to procreate; he didn't go back after the fall and say, "Oops, better add the sexual parts."

• Was sex an afterthought when God created humans? (Genesis 1:28)

B. Marriage

• In Genesis 2, God said, "It is not good for man to be alone." So was marriage an afterthought in creation?

• Was marriage in God's mind and heart from the beginning? (Genesis 2:18, 21- 25)

C. Temptation

• Temptation came out of pride and entitlement (Genesis 3:6).

“I have seen lots of human failure in my life. Most has been due to the human prideful arrogance that always says I am entitled.”

• How do people often respond to having sinned?

1. How effective were Adam and Eve at hiding (Gen 3:7)? 2. What are people's "fig leaves" today?

III. A Theology of Biblical Self-Control: Why Be Pure?

A. Gratitude to a God who Loves and Accepts People

B. God Calls Believers to be Pure in Scripture

C. II Corinthians 5:17-21: We are Ambassadors of Reconciliation – Reconciling People to God.

D. If we have a spouse, it honors that person; if we are not married, it saves intimacy for a special person who will one day be our spouse.

E. Self-control is a fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:26). It is a way that love manifests in the Spirit-led and Spirit-indwelt Christian.

F. Which of these is the main motivation for purity?

IV. Theological Approach to Dealing with Sexual Temptation

A. Just Exert Willpower (2 Timothy 1:7)

B. Set Up Things to Avoid the Possibility (I Corinthians 10:13)

• If one’s eye offends, pluck it out = don't look (Matthew 5:29-30.

• If one’s hand sins, cut it off = don't touch (Matthew 5:29-30)

• Flee from temptation (Proverbs 4:27, turn from evil; I Corinthians 6:18, flee fornication; I Corinthians 10:14, flee idolatry; 2 Tim 2:22, flee youthful lust; 1 Tim 6:11, flee doing wrong and pursue righteousness).

How would a person respond if someone said, "It isn't courageous to run away from temptation?"

• Don't enter into temptation (Matthew 26:41; Mark 14:38)

C. Mentally Distance: Jesus dealt with Satan's temptation by quoting Scripture rather than engage Satan in a debate or try to subdue Satan with willpower.

D. Fight it Themselves as Believers (James 4:7; I Peter 5:9).

E. Get God to fight it: Pray so one won't fall into temptation (Matthew 6:13; Luke 11:4; Matthew 26:41; Mark 14:38; Luke 22:40, 46; Revelation 3:10).

F. Problem: From Scripture, people know many ways that they can deal with

temptation through self-control, but sometimes they can't do it.

Scripture often tells us what believers need to do, but it might not always exhaustively tell them how to do what they ought to do.

V. Psychological Approach to Dealing with Sexual Temptation

A. Focus Group:

• Ask people

• Have them talk

B. Measure: Create a Scale. Three Factors

• Act to further the attraction

• Avoidance

• Distance

C. Theory: Unwanted sexual attraction is stressful. People try to cope with it.

VI. Study (Berry & Worthington, 2001): Trying to Inhibit Sexual Attraction within a Helping Context

A. Participants: 112 licensed psychologists (mean age 43, mean years

experience 13), 100 clergy from a single denomination (mean age 48, mean years experience 16), and 64 personnel managers (mean age 41, mean years experience 12) – all in Virginia.

B. Instructions: Choose a person you have been or currently are sexually

attracted to. “Have you ever?”

Psychologists Clergy Personnel

Managers OK Shaken hands 71% 63% 44% Gateway Given affirming Hug

20% 65% 40%

Told you were sexually attracted

2% 21% 12%

Met outside of work (just the two of you)

2% 31% 20%

Through the Gateway

Kissed 1% 25% 16% Given a genital caress

1% 14% 16%

Given or received oral Sex

1% 9% 12%

Had genital sex 0% 11% 16% C. Lessons for Helpers:

• Touch of any kind other than a hand-shake is a gateway to further contact;

exclusive non-bounded meeting is a gateway to further contact; talking about one’s attraction is a gateway to giving in to temptation.

• It isn't just don't look, don't touch; it is don't look, don't touch, don't tell, and don't do anything alone outside of work. Distance and Avoid.

Don't look--don't touch simply is inadequate for the basis of self-control.

• Helpers (therapists and pastors) are in a position of trust and leadership; crossing that boundary can traumatize the client or parishioner.

• A client or parishioner, especially one having problems, is…

1. Needy

2. Vulnerable

3. Looking for strength and help

4. Willing to share important, intimate parts of their lives

• This can play into the helper's…

1. Care-taking desires

2. Desire for intimacy

3. Desire to be needed

• What to do to lessen risk of acting on any attraction…

1. Co-therapy

2. Supervision or peer supervision

3. Conjoint counseling as much as possible

4. Avoid gateways VII. Helping others deal with their sexual temptation

When a person says, "I can't seem to handle this temptation" (e.g., pornography, affair, masturbation, etc.), it will activate the helper’s mental "fix it reflex."

Deactivate one’s automatic helping reflex and try to discern what is up with this client or parishioner.

Here are some things that weren't necessarily mentioned in the videotape:

• The client's "moral muscle" might get tired. (Like fatigue from lifting weights) This is no excuse for wrong-doing.

• People can defeat immediate cravings after about 15 minutes of distraction. (People forget it for a while).

Major theme: Self-control is not enough in dealing with sexual attraction. Well- meaning Christians fall sexually all the time.

• Recognize areas of darkness. Sometimes self-control simply is not enough-- even self-control as a fruit of the Holy Spirit.

• When self-control isn't enough: The self-control approach interprets Matthew 5:29-30, to be don't look, don't touch. But the words Jesus uses might be more far-reaching. "If your eye causes you to sin, pluck it out. If your hand causes you to sin, cut it off." Note, if someone does these things, he/she makes him/herself incapable of seeing or touching. So in Mt. 5:29-30, Jesus may not be saying, "Don't look. Don't touch," but rather die to sin. This is much more far-reaching than simply exerting self-control of avoiding or distancing.

In Matthew 5: 29-30, Jesus may not be saying, "Don't look. Don't touch," but rather die to sin.

• When Satan has a "stronghold" and the person tries to change and can't, they feel guilty. Guilt over sin can distract the person from living a godly life. It can cause the person to deny he or she is sinning and to attempt to cover-up the sin or deny it to himself or herself.

The solution to continued sinning and cover-up: Agree with one’s accuser (Matthew 5:25). The accuser (Satan) says, "You're about to sin." Agree. Say, "You're right. I'm going to take this to Jesus and confess it and be cleansed." Don't try to hide (by burying) the rotten fruit. Take it to the Father who will destroy it.

• When the person won't admit he or she is wrong—Answer: Prayer. The counselor can almost never change the person by usurping the role of the Holy Spirit by trying to convict of sin (John 16:8). But the helper can make the person resist more. So pray that God will reveal the truth to the person's heart.

• When a guilty secret stands between husband and wife, it can lead them into sexual temptation. The guilty secret needs to be confessed. But Dr. Worthington does not believe guilty secrets always need to be confessed to the partner. They always need to be confessed to God. They many times need to be confessed to a pastor. They sometimes need to be confessed to the partner. It is a matter of discernment.

• Deal with self-condemnation.

1. Forgive self for the transgressions

2. Adjust self-concept

• Godly grief over sins

1. The process of grieving

2. The role of forgiveness in grieving

VIII. Conclusion and Main Point

A. There are times for self-control and for active coping with temptation. There is a call always to flex the moral muscle. But there also is a call for discernment and not just knee-jerk attempts at self-control. Much sexual sin (not all) has roots in darkness, strongholds, resistant will, hiding sin, guilty secrets, harboring unforgiveness, and self-condemnation. Trying simply to overcome temptation through willpower or self-control might not be effective in those cases. Helpers must listen carefully and discern the needs of the person through prayer and listening to God.

Don't misunderstand what Dr. Worthington is saying: There are times when helpers MUST exert the effort of self-control and self-control is one part of the fruit of the Spirit. But there is also a need for discernment.

B. When a person asks for help, we usually want to give him or her a good “talking to.” But first give the person and God a good “listening to.”

HS 305 Study Questions

1. Did God treat sex as an afterthought during creation? Give biblical reasons why or why not.

2. Name several ways of coping with sexual temptation derived from Scripture, and provide references.

3. Psychological research found that people often act on their sexual attraction. What are two ways that they try to inhibit sexual attraction? Give some examples of each way.

4. What are some lessons helpers learn from the study of pastors, psychologists, and business managers?

5. What does Dr. Worthington mean when he says that self-control isn't enough in dealing effectively with temptation and sin?

Soul Care Notes Genesis 1:22; 1:28: 2:18, 21-25; 3:6-7 II Corinthians 5:17-21 Galatians 5:26 I Timothy 1:7 I Corinthians 10:13 Matthew 5:29-30 Proverbs 4:27; I Corinthians 6:18, 10:14; 2 Timothy 2:22; 1 Timothy 6:11 Matthew 26:41; Mark 14:38 James 4:7; I Peter 5:9 Matthew 6:13; Luke 11:4 Matthew 26:41; Mark 14:38; Luke 22:40, 46; Revelation 3:10 John 16:8

Bibliography/ Reading List Balswick, J.K., & Balswick, J.O. (1999). Authentic Human Sexuality: An Integrated Christian

Approach. Downers Grove: InterVarsity Press. Brown, N.M., & Amatea, E.S. (2000). Love and Intimate Relationships: Journeys of the Heart. New

York: Brunner/Mazel. Berman, E.M., & Hof, L. (1987). The Sexual Genogram – Assessing Family-of-Origin Factors in the

Treatment of Sexual Dysfunction. In G.R.Weeks & L. Hof (Eds.), Integrating Sex and Marital Therapy: A Clinical Guide (pp. 37-56). New York: Brunner/Mazel.

Carlson, J., & Sperry, L. (Eds.). (1999). The Intimate Couple. New York: Brunner/Mazel. Hendricks, G., & Hendricks, K. (1999). The Conscious Heart: A Body-Centered Approach to Creating

Intimacy. In J. Carlson & L. Sperry (Eds.), The Intimate Couple (pp. 406-418). New York: Brunner/Mazel.

Hof, L. (1987). Evaluating the Marital Relationship of Clients with Sexual Complaints. In G.R.Weeks

& L. Hof (Eds.), Integrating Sex and Marital Therapy: A Clinical Guide (pp. 5-22). New York: Brunner/Mazel.

Humphrey, F.G. (1987). Treating Extramarital Sexual Relationships in Sex and Couples Therapy. In

G.R.Weeks & L. Hof (Eds.), Integrating Sex and Marital Therapy: A Clinical Guide (pp. 149- 170). New York: Brunner/Mazel.

Karpel, M.A. (1999). The Measurement of Sunlight: Assessing Intimacy in Couples Therapy. In J.

Carlson & L. Sperry (Eds.), The Intimate Couple (pp. 84-106). New York: Brunner/Mazel. L'Abate, L., & Talmadge, W.C. (1987). Love, Intimacy, and Sex. In G.R.Weeks & L. Hof (Eds.),

Integrating Sex and Marital Therapy: A Clinical Guide (pp. 23-34). New York: Brunner/Mazel. Love, P., & Brown, J.T. (1999). Creating Passion and Intimacy. In J. Carlson & L. Sperry (Eds.), The

Intimate Couple (pp. 55-64). New York: Brunner/Mazel. Mason, M. (1985). The Mystery of Marriage: As Iron Sharpens Iron. Portland: Multnomah Press. Scharff, D.E. (1999). The Object Relations of Sex and Intimacy. In J. Carlson & L. Sperry (Eds.), The

Intimate Couple (pp. 185-207). New York: Brunner/Mazel. Schnarch, D. (1997). Passionate Marriage. New York: W.W. Norton & Company Treat, S.R. (1987). Enhancing a Couple's Sexual Relationship. In G.R.Weeks & L. Hof (Eds.),

Integrating Sex and Marital Therapy: A clinical guide (pp. 57-81). New York: Brunner/Mazel. Weeks, G.R., & Hof, L. (Eds.). (1987). Integrating Sex and Marital Therapy: A Clinical Guide. New

York: Brunner/Mazel.

Course Description The kinds of sexual harassment and frequency of boundary violations that go on in current culture are a serious relational, moral, and legal quandary. Based on the latest research and from case studies, students will learn about this pervasive problem in the workplace, in church, and in professional relationships. Students will be shown how to handle and deal with the boundary violations that are most frequently experienced. Learning Objectives: By the end of this lesson, students:

1. Will be able to identify sexual abuse and harassment in professional environments.

2. Will understand how to help victims of sexual abuse.

3. Will be able to recognize who is responsible and vulnerable for sexual

abuse in professional relationships.

HS 306 SEXUAL HARASSMENT / BOUNDARY

VIOLATIONS Diane Langberg, Ph.D.

Introduction

The problem of sexual abuse brings suffering on the body of Christ. Hidden sin within that

body works as a cancer eroding from the inside out and brings shame to the name of Christ.

Because the church is the object of Christ’s affection, it is essential that counselors

understand how to approach and shepherd victims through these difficult issues and bring

healing to the people God loves.

I. Definitions of Sexual Abuse

A. Sexual Abuse by a Professional: Someone who Serves in a Leadership or Professional Role that has in Some Way Acted Sexually with Someone under His or Her Care

• The Role of the shepherd (Ezekiel 34:2)

• Jesus’ Example as a shepherd

B. Sexual Harassment: Inappropriate Sexual Behavior in the Workplace

• Any action occurring within the workplace whereby women are treated as objects of the male sexual prerogative

• Unwanted sex-related behavior that is appraised by the recipient as being offensive, exceeding her resources or threatening her well-being

C. Examples of Inappropriate Sexual Behaviors:

• Verbal sexual suggestions, jokes or questions • Staring or ogling

• So-called “friendly” pat, pinch or squeeze • Accidentally brushing up against one’s body or cornering them

• A covert or overt proposition for sex

• Forced sex

Many times people tend to talk themselves out of their discomfort rather than naming these behaviors as inappropriate or wrong and seeking help for these illegal actions.

II. Characteristics and Misuses of Leadership

A. Integrity: Behaving the Same in Public and Private; Being above Reproach Rather than Appearing above Reproach

• Human nature fights against exposure of hidden sin.

• God calls for exposure and confession of hidden sin.

B. Power: The Ability to Make Something Happen

• Varies with context

• Vulnerability: Susceptible to injury or attack

1. Examples: Student with teacher, child with parent, employer with employee, client with counselor, parishioner with pastor

2. Whenever power is used in a way that wounds the vulnerable, abuse has occurred.

• Facts about power

1. A person can feel powerless and still wield tremendous power.

2. The weaker and more inadequate you feel in a position of power, the

more potential someone has to abuse those under him/her.

Often behind a charismatic, powerful person is a person plagued by fear and inadequacy.

• Types of power:

1. Physical

2. Verbal

3. Emotional

4. Knowledge & Skill

5. Position

• The person in power always holds the responsibility for the person who is vulnerable.

• Power can be used to intimidate the vulnerable into doing something they would not normally choose under normal circumstances.

• All power is delegated by God and should be used in obedience to Him.

III. Exposing False Assumptions about Sexual Abuse

A. Whenever sin occurs between two people, it is always a 50/50 proposition.

B. Someone who is extremely gifted or talented should be a spiritual leader.

C. Theological vocabulary reflects spiritual maturity, obedience and repentance. IV. Truths Sexual Abuse Victims Need to Understand

A. When the body of Christ protects the abuser rather than the abused, they are violating the will of God.

B. In many states there are laws to protect those abused by power.

C. A professional relationship is never for the purpose of meeting the needs of both parties; the professional is the keeper of trust, and it is always the professional’s responsibility to make sure that abuse does not take place.

D. There is hope for healing through the Great Shepherd—Jesus Christ!

Bibliography/ Reading List Beck, James R., and Catherine Clark Kroeger, eds. Women, Abuse, and the Bible. (Grand

Rapids, MI: Baker Books, 1996). Grenz, Stanley and Bell, Roy. Betrayal of Trust: Sexual Misconduct in the Pastorate.

(Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 1995). Langberg, Diane. Counseling Survivors of Sexual Abuse. (Carol Stream, IL: Tyndale House

Publishers, 1997). Langberg, Diane. On the Threshold of Hope. (Carol Stream, IL: Tyndale House Publishers,

1999).

HS 306 Study Questions

1. What is the definition of professional sexual abuse or sexual harassment? Give some examples of each.

2. What does the Bible teach about the responsibility of a professional to those under his or her care? Describe how the analogy of the shepherd and sheep is used to express God’s intended role for the professional.

3. How is integrity (or the lack of it) entwined with the exposure of sexual abuse? What does God have to say about exposing and confessing hidden sin?

4. How does a professional use power to abuse those who are vulnerable to him or her? When is a person in power more likely to abuse those under his/her care? What are some facts about power that we know to be true?

5. What truths do victims of sexual abuse need to understand in order to begin healing?

Soul Care Notes Genesis 34:2 Genesis 50:20 Leviticus 19:29 2 Kings 16:3 Ezekiel 34:2