assignment 8

The

BLESSING

GIVING THE GIFT of UNCONDITIONAL

LOVE AND ACCEPTANCE

John Trent, PhD

and Gary Smalley

© 1986 Gary Smalley and John Trent

© 1993, 2011 John Trent and Gary Smalley

Revised and Updated by John Trent, PhD

All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a

retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—electronic,

mechanical, photocopy, recording, scanning, or other—except for brief

quotations in critical reviews or articles, without the prior written permission of

the publisher.

Published in Nashville, Tennessee, by Thomas Nelson. Thomas Nelson is a

registered trademark of Thomas Nelson, Inc.

Thomas Nelson, Inc., titles may be purchased in bulk for educational, business,

fund-raising, or sales promotional use. For information, please e-mail

[email protected].

Unless otherwise noted, all Scripture quotations are taken from the New King

James Version ®

. © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights

reserved.

Scripture quotations noted KJV are from the King James Version.

Scripture quotations noted NASB are taken from the New American Standard

Bible ®

, © The Lockman Foundation 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973,

1975, 1977. Used by permission.

Scripture quotation attributed to the “J. B. Phillips translation” is from J. B.

Phillips: The New Testament in Modern English, Revised Edition. © J. B. Phillips

1958, 1960, 1972. Used by permission of Macmillan Publishing Co., Inc.

Names have been changed to protect the identities of people referred to in this

book.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Trent, John, 1952–

The blessing : giving the gift of unconditional love and acceptance / John

Trent and Gary Smalley. — Rev. and updated by John Trent.

p. cm.

Includes bibliographical references.

ISBN 978-0-8499-4637-0 (trade paper)

1. Families—Religious life. 2. Child rearing—Religious aspects—Christianity. 3.

Blessing and cursing. I. Smalley, Gary. II. Title.

BV4526.3.T74 2011

248.8'45—dc22

2011004971

Printed in the United States of America

11 12 13 14 15 RRD 5 4 3 2 1

To Cindy Trent and Norma Smalley,

who are blessings from God

Contents

Acknowledgments

1. To Change a Life

PART 1: WHY IS THE BLESSING SO IMPORTANT?

2. The Lifelong Search for the Blessing

3. “Bless Me—Me Also, O My Father!”

4. A Life-and-Death Choice

PART 2: UNDERSTANDING THE BLESSING

5. A Clear Path for Every Parent

6. The First Element: Meaningful Touch

7. The Second Element: A Spoken Message

8. The Third Element: Attaching High Value

9. The Fourth Element: Picturing a Special Future

10. The Fifth Element: An Active Commitment

PART 3: WHEN THE BLESSING DOESN’T HAPPEN

11. Homes That Withhold the Blessing

12. Half-Blessed

13. If You Missed the Blessing

14. Reversing the Curse

PART 4: LIVING THE BLESSING CHALLENGE

15. First Steps: A Written Blessing

16. Next Steps: Five Pictures That Point the Way

17. Last Words: Living the Blessing for a Lifetime

Afterword: An Invitation to Take the Blessing Challenge

Appendix: Becoming a Blessing Champion

Notes

About the Authors

Acknowledgments

MY DEEPEST GRATITUDE goes out to my lifelong friend, Gary

Smalley, who not only coauthored the original Blessing book

with me, but who graciously agreed to be the honorary

chairman of our National Board of Reference for the Institute

for the Blessing. I deeply appreciate his support and that of

his outstanding sons and colleagues, Dr. Greg Smalley and

Dr. Michael Smalley, at the Smalley Relationship Center.

Thanks also to nine people who have truly been

champions in encouraging a new generation of parents to

embrace and live out the message of the blessing: Debbie

Wickwire, Larry Weeden, Bob Dubberly, Lee Hough, Dewey

Wilson, Pastor Ryan Rush, Dr. Royce Fraizer, Dr. Adrian

Halverstadt, and Dr. Tony Wheeler. All have been incredible

friends and champions for the blessing and the Blessing

Challenge. A very special note of thanks to Anne Christian

Buchanan. Her extraordinary skill in helping with all the

editorial changes and countless wise suggestions on

updating the book were absolutely invaluable and deeply

appreciated.

The many parents who will see their children’s lives

changed as they live out the blessing won’t know the

incredible contribution these ten have made in launching

this mission and message, but I’ll never forget. Thank you

and may God’s blessing be on each of you!

ONE

To Change a Life

THE WRITING OF every book has its own story. For me, the

story of this book is one that changed my life.

It has now been more than thirty years since two intensely

personal experiences collided on the same day. It began on

my first day as an intern at a psychiatric hospital. It ended

with the Lord opening my eyes to the life-changing power of

a simple relational tool called the blessing.

That day at the hospital, I spent a full shift sitting next to a

young man on twenty-four-hour suicide watch. He was tall,

handsome, well mannered, and an excellent student. In fact,

he had been a straight-A student in high school and for

three years of college. When he caught the flu the first

semester of his senior year, that all changed. In a required

PE course he had put off until then, he missed so many

classes that his instructor gave him an automatic grade

reduction to B for the semester. When the young man found

out that there was no extra credit, no way to substitute

other classes, and now no way to change his grade or drop

the course, he fell into instant despair. He left the teacher’s

office, went back to his dorm room, and tried to take his life.

He would have succeeded had his roommate not

unexpectedly and providentially returned.

As we sat and talked, and as I tried not to stare at his

bandaged wrists, this young man poured out his heart to

me. His story included a brilliant, demanding, engineer

father who had gotten straight As himself and demanded

nothing less from his oldest son. It highlighted how hard he

had tried, all his life, to gain his father’s favor. And it

ultimately led to how his failing to get an A in a tennis class

brought the death of a dream—and nearly his own death as

well.

This young man desperately yearned for something he

couldn’t quite define—something that was always in sight,

yet somehow never within reach. His heartbreaking tale left

a haunting, indelible impression on me. I went home late

that afternoon and shared the events of the day at length

with my wife, Cindy. While I was still pondering and

processing what had happened, the second of two dramatic

events took place.

It was nighttime when I finally sat down and began

working on a message for a couples’ Sunday school class.

While I’m sure you would never do such a thing if you were

the teacher, I was just beginning my message—for the next

day—and kicking myself for letting school, work, and family

crowd in so much. Looking back, I can see how Almighty

God had his hand in the timing: after sitting down for hours

next to that hurting young man, I now sat down and opened

my Bible to Genesis 27.

Genesis 27 tells the story of twins: Jacob and Esau. I had

read of the struggle between these two brothers countless

times in the past. My plan was to speed-read through the

passage and throw together a few inspired thoughts. Yet

that night, with each word I read, time seemed to slow

down. It was as if I saw, for the first time, the intensely

personal story of how these two young men struggled so

mightily to receive the same gift.

In fact, that night, it wasn’t just words that I saw. It was

like I could see each boy’s face. The ear-to-ear smile and

unbridled joy in Jacob’s eyes when he walked away with his

father’s blessing. The crushing look of shock and loss on

Esau’s tormented face when he realized he would never

receive that gift.

When Esau lifted up his voice and cried in anguish, “Bless

me—me also, O my father!” I suddenly saw not only Esau’s

unfulfilled longing and broken heart but also an echo of the

tears and desperate cries I had heard as I sat next to the

heartbroken young man in the hospital. And at that

moment, it was as if the Lord put tangible words to the

intangible something that young man had longed for all his

life.

He missed his father’s blessing . . . That’s what broke his

heart!

As that thought washed over me, I read Esau’s pitiful,

heartbreaking, repeated cry, “Have you only one blessing,

my father? Bless me—me also, O my father!” (Gen. 27:38).

Just as suddenly, I had words for my own pain and hurt. For

all my life I, too, had longed for something I had never

received from my own father—his blessing.

Long into the night, I studied and thought and

remembered and prayed, and the next day was the first

time I taught a group about the blessing. In a small

basement classroom at Northwest Bible Church in Dallas,

Texas, on a rainy Sunday morning, twenty couples heard

about Jacob’s gain and Esau’s loss. They were the first

people I ever asked whether they had received this life-

changing gift from their parents.

The impact was incredible. The nodding heads. The tears

in too many eyes. The discussion in the hallway, long after

class. The calls that came for days afterward from people

who felt as if Esau’s cry was their own—and from just as

many who wanted to make sure they were giving the

blessing to their children.

“Can you tell me more about that blessing?”

So began a personal, now thirty-plus-year study of the

blessing. It became the subject of my doctoral dissertation

and the basis for this book. (The original edition was written

with the incomparable Dr. Gary Smalley, who continues to

support our blessing ministry in many practical ways.) It

also launched seminars and talks I’ve done and continue to

do on the blessing at churches and even stadiums across

the country. Rather than adding layers of dust to a stale

concept, years of teaching about this amazing Old

Testament concept has caused interest to mushroom, not

diminish.

When this book was first published, the Internet was

reserved for high-end computer users in major universities.

Today, blessing messages go out as tweets and e-mails or

text messages sent from BlackBerries and iPhones. Yet with

all the advances in technology, the challenges of raising

children in a world haunted by terrorism and social upheaval

has drawn people—more than ever—to want strong, loving

families. In that search they keep coming back to God’s

Word . . . and to the blessing.

Perhaps you are reading this book as a third-generation

Christian and have personally benefited from a long

tradition of blessing children. If that is the case, you may

well find yourself saying, “So that’s why our family has

stayed so close all these years!” Or perhaps you are like my

wife, Cindy, and me: first-generation Christians from difficult

backgrounds—hers an alcoholic home, mine a single-parent

home—each wanting to pass on to our children more than

we received. This book can put into words what you missed

as a child as well as provide practical, hands-on ways of

communicating unconditional love and acceptance to your

children and loved ones.

Hardly a day goes by that I don’t get an e-mail (and, yes,

“snail mail” too) from a joyful, now-grown child whose aging

parent finally gave him the blessing for the first time—or

from a child who went out of her way to return the blessing

to her father or mother and changed their relationship for

the better. I hear from athletes and students who never

received the blessing at home but who found those life-

changing actions and words modeled by a coach, teacher,

or youth leader. And I get to read or hear about the

excitement and commitment of new fathers and mothers

determined to give their newborn child a gift they missed

themselves.

Which leads us to today, to this very special edition of The

Blessing—an ancient, relational, biblical tool whose time has

come.

A CALL TO ACTION

Every so often, there comes a unique time, opportunity, or

experience. I believe all three happened when you picked up

this book.

Today is indeed a unique time for you to take part in a

significant challenge that launches with this book.

Along the way, you will learn about an unparalleled

opportunity to create a radically positive experience that

can be nothing short of life changing for you and for a child

in your life.

This new edition of The Blessing trumpets a call to action

for a huge gathering of parents—literally one million of them

—from every corner of our country and world. Men and

women who know it’s time to go counterculture and do

something truly great in this age of just getting along.1

What is that something great?

Changing the life of just one child.

And how will it get done?

You guessed it—through the blessing.

A powerful relational tool, whose elements were first

shared in the Bible, The Blessing continues to be

reconfirmed in both ongoing and completed clinical studies,

providing a model for a strong, thriving family. It’s a way of

helping children (and adults) experience at the deepest

level of their hearts the certainty that they are highly valued

and forever treasured by someone incredibly significant in

their life stories. And it lays out a simple path to follow—five

specific actions parents or other caring persons can take, no

matter how busy their lives or challenging their

circumstances.2

The Blessing is not just for children, of course. As we’ll

see, the principles in this book can transform marriages,

friendships, and adult-sibling relationships. Grown children—

even those whose parents refused to accept and affirm

them— have used these principles to reach out to those

very parents in blessing. But because childhood experiences

are so powerful in shaping lives, the primary focus of this

book is helping adults, especially parents, to give the

blessing to children or, as we have said, to just one child.

We all have heard (and by now have mostly grown numb

to) television commercials that tug on our heartstrings and

implore us to “help the children”—meaning poor kids out

there in a different part of town or another country. That’s a

valuable message, but it is not the message of this book.

Instead it’s about reaching out to that one child within your

reach and letting your blessing become an agent of life for

him or her.

Before we get specific about how the blessing works and

how you can give it, let me share with you four reasons why

taking the blessing challenge can be so absolutely

transformational.

THE BLESSING . . . FIGHTS BACK AGAINST A

TOXIC CULTURE

What we are asking you to do in this book runs counter to

our dominant culture in these crazy times. With adults

working so hard to make ends meet—and some simply

preoccupied with their own agendas—there seems to be

less and less time for children, and children suffer as a

result.

Many children struggle today with what experts call

attachment disorder. That’s the failure of children and young

adults to create significant bonds with their parents or

others as they get older. They stumble down a road toward

broken relationships. They enter young adulthood—and later

marriage—with a deep desire for connection but without the

understanding, modeling, experience, or confidence that

they really can build loving, lasting relationships for

themselves. They step back from what they want most

because they’ve never seen what it looks like to have

someone step toward them.

These are kids who need to experience the blessing in

loving homes right now.

Can the blessing challenge reverse this trend?

My experience tells me it can make a big difference—by

offering you a strategy for redeeming some of your precious

time with your children and strengthening your bond with

them. The blessing provides a parenting path that is so

practical, so clear, so gently sloped, that if you will just start

it, you will soon find yourself gaining momentum in terms of

capturing closeness and caring with your family. It offers a

way of reclaiming connection with your child no matter how

many hours our culture (or your boss) tries to carve out of

your month!

THE BLESSING . . . CAN OPEN A CHILD’S HEART

TO A LASTING FAITH

According to a recent survey, fully eight out of ten parents

report that passing a strong faith to their children was

“important” or “very important” to them. Yet while a

majority of Americans want these benefits to be a part of

their children’s lives and futures, studies also show that it’s

not happening. Depending on which study you choose,

anywhere from 40 to 70 percent of children who sit in a

second-grade Sunday school class at church today won’t be

attending any religious services or meetings when they

reach their high-school years. In fact, they won’t be claiming

any kind of growing faith at all.3

To understand why this is, it’s crucial to understand how a

living faith in Christ is successfully transferred. It doesn’t

happen by teaching a set of rules or customs or passing

along a set of traditions, though many think of religion this

way. Christianity is and has been primarily about a

relationship. And the blessing is all about building

relationships. When we give children the blessing, we are

laying an incredible relational foundation that not only helps

them connect with other people but can also prepare their

hearts for a relationship with Jesus.

The Blessing Challenge

Calling one million parents to choose to change the life of one

child by giving them their blessing. And equipping one thousand

churches to create an ongoing culture inside their church that

helps parents live out the blessing for a lifetime.

Those are two crucial benefits of taking the blessing

challenge. You’ll have a tool—no matter how busy you are—

to help you battle the cultural phenomenon of attachment

disorder with genuine connection. And in learning to give

the blessing, you will also be opening a child’s heart to a

living, lasting faith. But there’s also a third benefit.

THE BLESSING . . . CAN HELP HEAL THE HURTS

FROM THE PAST

Let’s face it. Even those who grow up in the best and most

loving of homes can come away with a degree of hurt or

disappointment. So how do we cope? Even more important,

what can we do to move past the significant damage that a

difficult childhood can cause? How can we prevent a painful

past from having a negative impact on our present and

future relationships? The blessing can make a surprising

difference by offering an alternative to damaging self-

protective mechanisms we may have developed over the

years.4

Children simply don’t have the maturity or understanding

to deal with hurt and pain, so they tend to grab on to

anything they can find to protect themselves and help them

cope. Whatever works—athletic prowess, academic success,

good looks, even drugs or alcohol—they want to repeat. By

the time they grow up, they may have created layer upon

layer of self-protection.

The trouble is, self-protection has a shelf life! Success is

fleeting. Looks fade. Addictive substances and activities can

bring dramatic life-long damage. More important, none of

these self-protective mechanisms offer real, unshakable,

lasting confidence and connection—which is exactly what

the blessing offers.

Instead of having to wrap themselves in self-protection,

children who receive the blessing can be freed to pursue

God’s best in every area of their lives. And adults can too!

My colleague Tony Wheeler and I have seen this again and

again in our workshops. As grownups learn to give the

blessing to their children, they also learn how to move away

from their own hurtful, self-protective pasts.

Imagine not having to live in fear of wrinkles or slowing

down. Imagine not having to worry about acquiring all the

“toys” someone else has. Imagine moving beyond issues

that have held you back for years and finally making peace

with your past. That’s another life-changing part of

experiencing the blessing from God and others—and a third

great benefit of taking the blessing challenge.

Here, then, is one last benefit . . .

THE BLESSING . . . IS PART OF YOUR CALL TO A

REAL AND RADICAL FAITH

A number of Christian books and messages today call young

(and old) believers to a “sold out” life of faith. For example,

in reading books such as Crazy Love and Radical, you find a

much-needed call to pursue a Great Commission lifestyle as

a real-life goal. But adopting a Great Commission or

“missional” lifestyle doesn’t mean leaving your important

relationships in the dust as you seek to win others for Christ.

In fact, if you are not living out a crazy, radical faith and

love for Christ with your family and own children first, you

have missed a huge first step!

Neglecting to give your own child the blessing because

you are too busy with a “higher calling” is to miss the whole

point of the gospel. And don’t just take that from me. The

apostle Paul, who knew a little bit about leading a sold-out

life, made it clear that “if anyone does not provide for his

own, and especially for those of his household, he has

denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever” (1 Tim.

5:8 NASB).

Building strong relational ties is part of your call to radical,

sold-out Christianity, and the blessing can be one of your

most important tools in ministering to your family and to

others. In the process, you will give them the confidence

and faith to live their own radical, sold-out lives.

ARE YOU READY TO TAKE THE CHALLENGE?

So enough with all the benefits of giving and living the

blessing. It’s time to start. Here is a road map for what you

will find in each section of the book:

• Part 1 shares with you just how important the gift of

the blessing can be to children—both today and in

preparing for their futures.

• Part 2 shines light on the clear, simple path the Lord

has laid out for a parent (or another caring adult) to

follow in giving and living the blessing. It outlines five

specific, proven elements that make up the blessing

and shows how you can provide each element. Part 2

also challenges you to consider whether you received

the blessing as a child and whether you are giving it

to your child right now.

• Part 3 takes an honest look at homes that withhold the

blessing and the often emotionally and spiritually

devastating consequences that result. You will get an

eye-opening picture of why we must choose “life over

death, blessing over curse” for each child. But you will

also discover how Almighty God provides a way of

escape from even the most broken and hurtful past.

• Part 4 is all about the practicalities of taking the

blessing challenge. After understanding what the

blessing is and how it can pour hope, life, clarity, and

love into a person’s life, it’s time to take that first step

down the blessing path. In this section you will be

coached on how to begin writing out a blessing for

your child, then sitting down with him or her to share

your words in what can be an unforgettable

experience for both of you. You will also find

encouragement and examples to support you as you

continue a life of blessing.

SPECIAL FEATURES OF THIS NEW EDITION

In this revised and updated edition of The Blessing, we have

built in some additional things to equip and inspire you.

• Living the Blessing. Throughout the book you will have

the opportunity to stop reading and respond through

questions, exercises, and quick ideas for applying the

blessing to your life. We encourage you to take

advantage of these hands-on opportunities.

• BlessingLinks. To further encourage and equip you,

you will find strategically placed Internet addresses to

sites that will connect you to a wealth of additional

resources. Some links will take you to a short free

video segment that will follow up on what you’ve just

read, offering additional encouragement and ideas.

Other BlessingLinks will connect you with the

community of people and the resources on our

website, TheBlessing.com, which is rich with stories,

tools, courses, and encouragement. Watch for the

BlessingLinks icon:

•The Blessing Challenge. This book contains everything

you need to get started giving the blessing to

someone you love. But I hope you consider taking part

in the larger effort being launched along with this new

edition of The Blessing. It’s a national initiative called

the Blessing Challenge—with a capital B and a capital

C. We are calling one million parents nationwide to

take the first step on the blessing path by writing out

a blessing and sharing it with a child. And we are

challenging and equipping one thousand churches to

create an ongoing culture that helps parents live out

the blessing for a lifetime. I explain more about this

initiative later in the book. I hope you will give some

thought to joining the one million parents in a

thousand churches who are taking the Blessing

Challenge.

Whether or not you choose to join up with the official

Blessing Challenge, please be aware that an incredible

number of friends and ministries are praying for you and

working incredibly hard to do all they can to help you take

your first— and second—step down the blessing path. We

ask God’s most special blessing on you and your family as

you read this book and accept the challenge to change lives

for the better.

Congratulations on finishing chapter 1. Please go to

TheBlessing.com/Chapter 1 and watch a special video message from

Dr. Trent as you start your journey.

PART 1

Why Is the Blessing

So Important?

TWO

The Lifelong Search

for the Blessing

ALL OF US long to be accepted by others. While we may say

out loud, “I don’t care what other people think about me,”

on the inside we all yearn for intimacy and affection. This

yearning is especially true in our relationships with our

parents. Gaining or missing out on parental approval has a

tremendous effect on us, even if it has been years since we

have had any contact with them. In fact, what happens in

our relationship with our parents can greatly affect all our

present and future relationships. While this may sound like

an exaggeration, our offices have been filled with people

struggling with this very issue, people just like Brian and

Nancy.

THE CRUSHING OF BRIAN’S DREAM

“Please say that you love me, please!” Brian’s words trailed

off into tears as he leaned over the now-still form of his

father. It was late at night in a large metropolitan hospital.

Only the cold, white walls and the humming of a heart

monitor kept Brian company. His tears revealed a deep inner

pain and sensitivity that had tormented him for years. The

emotional wounds now seemed beyond repair.

Brian had flown nearly halfway across the country to be at

his father’s side in one last attempt to reconcile years of

misunderstanding and resentment. All his life, Brian had

been searching for his father’s acceptance and approval,

but they always seemed just out of reach.

Brian’s father, a career marine officer, wanted nothing

more than for his son to follow in his footsteps. With that in

mind, he took every opportunity to instill in Brian the

discipline and the backbone he would need as a marine.

Words of affection or tenderness were forbidden in their

home. It was almost as if Brian’s father thought a display of

warmth might crack the tough exterior he was trying to

create in his son. He drove Brian to participate in sports and

to take elective classes that would best equip him to be an

officer. But Brian’s only praise for scoring a touchdown or

doing well in a class was a lecture on how he could and

should have done even better.

After graduating from high school, Brian did enlist in the

Marine Corps. It was the happiest day of his father’s life.

However, the joy was short-lived. Cited for attitude

problems and disrespect for orders, Brian was soon on

report. After weeks of such reports (one for a vicious fight

with his drill instructor), Brian was dishonorably discharged

from the service as incorrigible.

The news of Brian’s dismissal from the marines dealt a

deathblow to his relationship with his father. Brian was no

longer welcome in his father’s home, and for years there

was no contact between them.

During those years, Brian struggled with feelings of

inferiority and lacked self-confidence. Even though he was

above average in intelligence, he worked at various jobs far

below his abilities. Three times he got engaged—only to

break the engagements just weeks before the weddings. He

just couldn’t believe another person could really love him.

Brian didn’t know that he was experiencing common

symptoms of growing up without the family blessing. He

knew something was wrong, though, and that sense of

something missing finally led him to seek professional help.

I began counseling with Brian after he had broken his third

engagement. As he peeled away the layers of his past, Brian

began to see both his need for his family’s blessing and his

responsibility for dealing honestly with his parents. That is

when the call came from his mother. His father was dying

from a heart attack.

Brian flew immediately to his hometown to see his father.

During the entire journey he was filled with hope that now,

at long last, they could talk and reconcile their relationship.

“I’m sure he’ll listen to me. I’ve learned so much. I know

things are going to change between us.” Brian repeated

these phrases over and over to himself as he sat on the

plane.

But it was not to be.

Brian’s father slipped into a coma a few hours before

Brian made it to the hospital. The words that Brian longed to

hear for the first time—words of love and acceptance—

would never be spoken. Four hours after Brian arrived, his

father died without regaining consciousness.

“Dad, please wake up!” Brian’s heartbreaking sobs

echoed down the hospital corridor. His cries spoke of an

incredible sense of loss—not only the physical loss of his

father but also the emotional sense of losing any chance of

his father’s blessing.

NANCY RELIVES A PAINFUL PAST

Nancy’s loss was a different sort, but the hurt and pain she

received from missing out on the blessing stung her just as

deeply and caused problems not only with her parents but

with her husband and children as well.

Nancy grew up in an affluent suburb outside a major city.

Her mother loved to socialize with other women at the club

and at frequent civic activities. In fact, with a marriage that

was less than fulfilling, Nancy’s mother placed paramount

importance on these social gatherings.

When Nancy was very young, her mother would dress her

up in elegant clothes (the kind you had to sit still in, not play

in) and take her and her older sister to the club. But as

Nancy grew older, this practice began to change.

Unlike her mother and older sister, Nancy was not petite.

In fact, she was quite sturdy and big boned. Nor was Nancy

a model of tranquility. She was a tomboy who loved outdoor

games, swinging on fences, and animals of all kinds.

As you might imagine, such behavior from a daughter who

was being groomed to be a debutante caused real

problems. Nancy’s mother tried desperately to mend her

daughter’s erring ways. Nancy was constantly scolded for

being “awkward” and “clumsy.” During shopping sprees, she

was often subject to verbal barbs designed to motivate her

to lose weight.

“All the really nice clothes are two sizes too small for you.

They’re your sister’s size,” her mother would taunt. Nancy

was finally put on a strict diet to try to make her physically

presentable to others.

Nancy tried hard to stick to her diet and be all her mother

wanted. However, more and more often, Nancy’s mother

and sister would go to social events and leave Nancy at

home. Soon all invitations to join these functions stopped.

“After all,” her mother told her, “you don’t want to be

embarrassed in front of all the other children because of the

way you look, do you?”

When Nancy first came in for counseling, she was in her

thirties, married, and the mother of two children. For years

she had struggled with her weight and with feelings of

inferiority. Her marriage had been a constant struggle as

well.

Nancy’s husband loved her and was deeply committed to

her, but her inability to feel acceptable left her constantly

insecure and defensive. As a result of this hypersensitivity,

Nancy felt threatened every time she and her husband

began to draw close. Invariably, some small thing her

husband did would set her off, and her marriage was back

at arm’s length.

Frankly, because of her lack of acceptance in the past,

being at arm’s length was the only place Nancy felt

comfortable in any relationship. Her marriage was certainly

of concern to her. Yet where Nancy struggled most was with

her children, one in particular.

Nancy had two daughters. The older girl was big boned

and looked very much like Nancy, but the younger daughter

was a beautiful, petite child. What was causing Nancy

incredible pain were the relationships between her mother

and her children. For once again, her mother catered to the

“pretty” daughter while Nancy’s older daughter was left out

and ignored. Old wounds that Nancy thought were hidden in

her past were now being relived through watching her own

children. The heartache and loneliness her older daughter

was feeling echoed Nancy’s unhappiness.

In spite of herself, Nancy found her attitude toward her

smaller, daintier daughter changing. The slightest

misbehavior from this child would bring an explosion of

anger. Bitterness and resentment began to replace genuine

affection.

In her heart of hearts, Nancy was also angry at God. In

spite of her prayers, she felt he had changed neither her

relationship with her mother nor her present circumstances.

She felt doomed to repeat her own painful past through her

daughters. As a result of this barrage of feelings, she

stopped going to Bible study, calling Christian friends, and

even praying to God.

Nancy’s relationship with her husband, her children, and

God had all been affected by missing out on the blessing

that she had tried for years to grasp but had never quite

been able to reach.

LIVING THE BLESSING

Your Search for the Blessing

Does anything feel familiar to you about Brian’s and Nancy’s

stories? Have you experienced something similar in your life or

the life of someone you care about? In what specific ways do

you think this situation influences your life today? Write down

your thoughts before proceeding to the next chapter.

OUR NEED FOR ACCEPTANCE

For Brian and for Nancy, the absence of parental acceptance

held serious consequences. In Brian’s case, it kept him from

getting close enough to another person to become

genuinely committed. In Nancy’s, the inability to feel

acceptable as a person was destroying her most important

relationships. Without realizing it, Brian and Nancy were

searching for the same thing—their family’s blessing.

Brian and Nancy typify all people who, for one reason or

another, miss out on the blessing. For years after they had

moved away from homes physically, they still remained

chained to the past emotionally. Their lack of parental

approval in the past kept them from feeling genuinely

accepted by others in the present. In Nancy’s case, her

mother’s withheld approval even kept her from believing

that her heavenly Father truly accepted her.

Some people are driven toward workaholism as they

search for the blessing they never received at home. Always

hungry for acceptance and approval, they never feel

satisfied that they are measuring up. Others get mired in

withdrawal and apathy as they give up hope of ever truly

being blessed. Unfortunately, this withdrawal can become

so severe that it can lead to chronic depression and even

suicide. For almost all children who miss out on their

parents’ blessing, at some level this lack of acceptance sets

off a lifelong search.

The search for the blessing is not just a modern-day

phenomenon. It is actually centuries old. In fact, we can find

a graphic picture of a person who missed out on his family’s

blessing in the Old Testament. Let’s look now at a confused

and angry man named Esau—the one who started my own

adventure in learning about the blessing. In so doing we will

learn more about the blessing and what it can mean to grow

up with or without it.

THREE

“Bless Me—Me Also,

O My Father!”

ESAU WAS BESIDE himself. Could this really be happening?

he may have thought. Perhaps his mind went right back to

the events of that day. Just hours before, his father, Isaac,

had called him to his side and made a special request. If

Esau, the older son, would go and bring in fresh game for a

savory meal, Isaac’s long-awaited blessing would be given

to him.

What was this blessing that Esau had waited for over the

years? For sons or daughters in biblical times, receiving

their father’s blessing was a momentous event. At a specific

point in their lives they could expect to feel a loving parent’s

touch and to hear words of encouragement, love, and

acceptance— words that gave them a tremendous sense of

being highly valued and that even pictured a special future

for them.

We will see that some aspects of this Old Testament

blessing were unique to that time. However, the relationship

elements of this blessing are still applicable today. And

although in Old Testament times the blessing was primarily

reserved for only one son and one special occasion, parents

today can decide to build these elements of blessing into all

their children’s lives daily.

Esau’s family, of course, had followed their culture’s

custom of waiting until a specific day to give the firstborn

son a blessing, and the long-awaited day had come at last.

Esau’s time of blessing was supposed to begin as soon as he

could catch and prepare the special meal.

With all the skill and abilities of an experienced hunter,

Esau had gone about his work quickly and efficiently. In

almost no time he had whipped up a delicious stew as only

one familiar with the art of cooking in the field could do.

Esau had done just as he was told. Why, then, was Isaac

acting so strangely? Esau had just entered his father’s tent

and greeted him:

“Let my father arise and eat of his son’s game, that your soul

may bless me.” And his father Isaac said to him, “Who are you?”

So he said, “I am your son, your firstborn, Esau.”

Then Isaac trembled exceedingly, and said, “Who? Where is

the one who hunted game and brought it to me? I ate all of it

before you came, and I have blessed him—and indeed he shall

be blessed.”

When Esau heard the words of his father, he cried with an

exceedingly great and bitter cry, and said to his father, “Bless

me—me also, O my father!” (Gen. 27:31–34, italics added)

Little did Esau know that when his aged and nearly blind

father called him to his side, another had been listening.

Rebekah, the mother of Esau and his twin brother, Jacob,

had also been in the tent. As soon as Esau went out into the

fields to hunt fresh game, she had run to her favorite son,

Jacob, with a cunning plan.

If they hurried, they could kill a young kid from the flock

and prepare a savory meal. What’s more, they could dress

Jacob in his brother’s clothing and put animal skins on him

to simulate Esau’s rough and hairy arms, hands, and neck.

Putting on Esau’s clothes did not present a problem, but

one thing they couldn’t counterfeit was Esau’s voice. That

almost blew the whistle on them (v. 22). But even though

Isaac was a little skeptical, their plan worked just as they

had hoped it would. We read in Genesis 27:22–23, “So Jacob

went near to Isaac his father. . . . And he did not recognize

him, because his hands were hairy like his brother Esau’s

hands; so he blessed him.” The blessing meant for the older

son went to the younger.

Jacob should not have had to trick his way into receiving

the blessing. God himself had told Isaac, regarding his twin

sons, that the “older shall serve the younger” (Gen. 25:23).

Yet Esau had grown up expecting the blessing to be his. No

wonder he was devastated when he came back from

hunting to find that an even more cunning hunter had stolen

into his father’s tent and taken what he thought would be

his.

Was Esau crying over losing his inheritance? Not really. As

we will see later, the oldest son’s inheritance was something

that came with his birthright and entitled him to a double

share in his father’s wealth. Yet years before, Esau had

already sold his birthright to his brother for a pot of red stew

(Gen. 25:29–34).

No, Esau wasn’t lamenting the fact that he lost the cattle

and sheep—he had already despised that gift. What ripped

at his heart was something much more personal: his father’s

blessing. In Old Testament times a father’s blessing was

irretrievable once it was given, so now Isaac’s blessing was

forever outside Esau’s reach.

Filled with hurt, he cried out a second time, “‘Do you have

only one blessing, my father? Bless me, even me also, O my

father.’ So Esau lifted his voice and wept” (Gen. 27:38

NASB). In response to his pitiful cries, Esau did receive a

blessing of sorts from his father (vv. 39–40), but it was not

the words of high value and acceptance that he had longed

to hear.

Can you feel the anguish in Esau’s cry, “Bless me—me

also, O my father”? This same painful cry and unfulfilled

longing is being echoed today by many people who are

searching for their family’s blessing, men and women whose

parents, for whatever reason, have failed to bless them with

words of love and acceptance. People just like Brian and

Nancy. People with whom you rub shoulders every day.

Perhaps even you.

THE IMPORTANCE OF THE BLESSING

The hunger for genuine acceptance was a common

denominator in Brian’s, Nancy’s, and Esau’s lives—a need

that goes unmet in thousands of lives today. The family

blessing provides that much-needed sense of personal

acceptance. The blessing also plays a part in protecting and

even freeing people to develop intimate relationships.

Perhaps most important, it lays the foundation for a genuine

and fulfilling relationship with God that can survive even the

rocky teen years, when many young people pull away from

faith.

This is especially important today, in a culture that offers

many forms of counterfeit blessing to young people. Cult

and gang leaders have mastered the elements of the

blessing that we will describe in the pages that follow.

Providing a sense of family and offering (at least initially)

the promise of personal attention, affection, and affirmation

is an important drawing card for many of these groups. And

our celebrity-saturated media falsely promises fulfillment

and validation through money, fame, sex, and success.

Children who grow up without a sense of parental

acceptance are especially susceptible to being drawn in by

these counterfeit blessings. In fact, thousands are fooled

every year, beckoned like hungry children to an imaginary

dinner. But though the aroma of blessing may draw them to

the table, after eating they are left hungrier than before.

If you are a parent, learning about the family blessing can

help you provide your child(ren) with a protective tool. The

best defense against imaginary acceptance is genuine

acceptance. By providing genuine acceptance and

affirmation at home, you can greatly reduce the likelihood

that a child will seek those things in a gang hangout, a cult

compound, or an immoral relationship.

Genuine acceptance radiates from the concept of the

blessing. However, the blessing is not just an important tool

for parents to use. The blessing is also of critical importance

for anyone who desires to draw close to another person in

an intimate relationship. One of the most familiar verses in

the Bible is Genesis 2:24: “For this cause a man shall leave

his father and his mother, and shall cleave to his wife”

(NASB).

Many books and other resources talk about the need to

cleave—or attach firmly—to our spouses. However, very few

talk about the tremendous need people also have to “leave”

home. Perhaps this is because people have thought of

leaving home as simply moving away physically.

In reality leaving home has always meant much more than

putting physical distance between our parents and

ourselves. In the Old Testament, for example, the farthest

most people would actually move away from their parents

was across the campfire and into another tent! Leaving

home carries with it not only the idea of physical separation

but also of emotional separation.

The terrible fact is that most people who have missed out

on their parents’ blessing have great emotional difficulty

leaving home in this emotional sense. It may have been

years since they have seen their parents, but unmet needs

for personal acceptance can keep them emotionally chained

to their parents, unable to genuinely cleave to another

person in a lasting relationship.

This happened to both Brian and Nancy, and it’s an

important reason many couples never get off the ground in

terms of marital intimacy. You or a loved one may be facing

this problem. Understanding the concept of the blessing is

crucial to defeating the problem and freeing people to build

healthy relationships.

LIVING THE BLESSING

Blessings That Aren’t Really Blessings

Make a list of “counterfeit blessings” that have tempted you and

other people you know. Which are the most difficult to resist? Do

you think all of these are dangerous? If not, what determines the

difference between a harmless diversion or pastime and a

treacherous counterfeit?

A JOURNEY OF HOPE AND HEALING

In a world awash with insecurity and in search of

acceptance, we need biblical anchors to hold on to—anchors

like the blessing.

The search for acceptance that Brian and Nancy went

through and so many others undertake often leads people

to accept a cure that is worse than the problem itself. (Many

addictions, for instance, have their roots in the deep

loneliness of growing up without a parent’s blessing.) In

contrast, God’s Word and his principles offer a dependable

blueprint for constructing or reconstructing truly healthy

relationships.

In the pages that follow, you will discover more about the

blessing. You will explore the five crucial elements that

make up the blessing—and make it so powerful. You will also

have a chance to look back and evaluate whether you

received the blessing as a child, how this childhood

experience affects you and your family today, and how—if

you missed out on the blessing—you can find healing.

Most important, if you are a parent, you will discover how

to make sure your children—toddlers to teens, and even

those who are grown—receive the blessing from you. In the

process, you will be exposed to God’s spiritual family

blessing that is offered to each of his children.

If you are a teacher, discovering the blessing can help you

better understand your students. If you counsel others, it

can provide a helpful framework for understanding many

problems and offering practical solutions. If you are involved

in ministering to others, it can help you understand this

crucial need every person has and provide some resources

for meeting that need.

Our prayer is, in the following pages, you will take the

time and have the courage to journey into the past, a

journey that can lead to hope and healing. Even more, we

pray that you will be willing to look honestly at the present

and apply what you discover.

These pages may end your lifelong search for acceptance

or begin a new relationship with your children, your spouse,

your parents, or a close friend. Our deepest desire is that

this book will enrich your relationship with your heavenly

Father as you learn more about the source of blessing that

he is to each believer. All this as we take our first look at the

life-changing concept called the blessing.

FOUR

A Life-and-Death Choice

WHEN I WAS young, my grandparents came to live with us

for several years to “help out” with three very rambunctious

boys. My grandfather was a wonderful man but a stern

disciplinarian. He had rules for everything, with swats to go

along with all his rules. And there was one ironclad rule that

we hated because it carried two automatic swats: “Be home

before the streetlight comes on.”

There was no “grading on the curve” in my home. And

while spanking may be controversial in many homes, there

was no discussion when my grandfather moved in. With the

streetlight planted right in our yard, all he had to do was

look out the kitchen window and see if we had made it

home in time. And one night my twin brother, Jeff, and I

didn’t.

Never one to delay punishment, I shuffled down the

hallway to Grandfather’s room and received my two swats.

But little did I know that I was moments away from gaining

one of the most significant blessings in my life.

After my spanking, my grandmother told me to go back

down the hall and call my grandfather for dinner. I didn’t

feel much like being polite to him at the time, but I didn’t

want to risk another spanking either. So off I went to his

room.

While many children grow up with open access to their

elders’ rooms, we didn’t. We were to knock on Grandfather’s

door, ask for permission to enter, and always call him

“Grandfather” or “Sir” when we addressed him.

I meant to knock on the door, but then I noticed it was

already slightly ajar. That’s when I broke the rule and gently

pushed it open to look inside.

What I saw shocked me. My grandfather, a man who

rarely showed any emotion, was sitting on the end of the

bed, crying. I stood at the door in confusion. I had never

seen him cry, and I didn’t know what to do.

Suddenly he looked up and saw me, and I froze where I

was. I hope catching him crying isn’t a sixty-swat offense! I

thought to myself.

Yet my grandfather simply said to me, his voice full of

emotion, “Come here, John.”

When I reached him, he reached out and hugged me

closely. Then, in tears, he told me how much he loved me

and how deeply it hurt him to have to spank me. “John,” he

said, seating me on the bed next to him and putting his big

arms around me, “I want more than anything in life for you

and your brothers to grow up to become godly young men. I

hope that you know how much I love you and how proud I

am of you.”

I can’t explain it, but when I left his room that night, I was

a different person because of my grandfather’s blessing. As

I look back today, I see that evening provided me with a

meaningful rite of passage from childhood to young

adulthood. For years afterward, recalling that clear picture

of my grandfather’s blessing helped point me toward a more

positive future and shape my attitudes and actions.

A few months later my grandfather died instantly and

unexpectedly of a cerebral aneurysm. I know now that the

Lord allowed me, for that one and only time, to hear and

receive the blessing from him. While I would never receive

the blessing from my own father, I did receive it that day

from my grandfather.

WHY THE BLESSING MATTERS

Just what is this blessing that seems to be so important?

Does it really apply to us today, or was it just for Old

Testament times? What are the elements of which it

consists? How can I know whether I have received it or if my

children are experiencing it now?

These questions commonly surface when I introduce

people to the blessing. In answering them, we will discover

five powerful relationship elements that the Old Testament

blessing contains. The presence or absence of these

elements can help us determine whether our home is—or

our parents’ home was—a place of blessing.

A study of the blessing always begins in the context of

parental acceptance. However, in studying the blessing in

the Scriptures, we found that its principles can be used in

any intimate relationship.

Husbands can apply these principles in blessing their

wives, and wives their husbands.

Friendships can be deepened and strengthened by

including each element of the blessing.

These key ingredients, when applied in a church family,

can bring warmth, healing, and hope to our brothers and

sisters in Christ, many who never received an earthly

blessing from their parents. As we will see in a later chapter,

they are the very relationship elements God uses in blessing

his children.

Perhaps the best place to begin our look at the benefits of

giving or gaining the blessing is to dig into the biblical ideas

behind the blessing—and the clear choice inherent in the

word.

THE BLESSING AND THE CHOICE

Perhaps one of the clearest ways to begin to understand

what the blessing means is to look at an amazing choice

God once laid before his people—the same choice that I

believe is put in front of each of us today, a choice that is

literally a matter of life and death. It’s found in an amazing

passage in the book of Deuteronomy, in the words that God

spoke to Joshua:

I call heaven and earth to witness against you today, that I have

set before you life or death, the blessing and the curse. So

choose life in order that you may live, you and your

descendants. (Deut. 30:19 NASB)

The context in which these words were spoken can help us

understand this idea of a choice. Joshua is the new leader of

God’s people. They have traveled all the way from Egypt,

and right now they are finally ready to take their first steps

into the promised land. Almighty God lays before them a

path that he wants them to follow—one that begins with a

crucial choice or, actually, two choices.

The first choice set before his people: life or death.

The second: blessing or curse.

Let’s define our terms so we really understand how

important these choices were to the Israelites . . . and how

they can affect our relationship with God and others today.

A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH

The Hebrew word translated life in this passage carries with

it the idea of movement.1 In other words, things that are

alive are things that are moving. Specifically, they’re

moving toward someone or something. So the first choice

we have is to move toward God and toward others. When

we do that, we add life to our relationships.

Think about a couple you know who have a great

marriage. Almost always you will notice that they take steps

to move toward each other—not just physically but

emotionally. They choose to do things together. They choose

to walk together toward a goal or interest or area they like.

Choosing life, then, means getting busy in moving toward

the Lord or others. But there’s the other side of this choice

in the Deuteronomy passage as well. We can also choose

death.

Interestingly, the word translated death also carries with it

the concept of movement—in fact, its literal meaning is “to

step away.”2 The idea is that death is stepping away from

others, from life, from what we have built or shared with

others.

Let’s go back to our example of the couple. As a marriage

counselor, time and again I’ve seen one spouse (or both)

take a step away from the other when challenges come up.

When they do this, something starts dying in their

relationship. The more they move away from each other, the

more problematical their marriage becomes.

So that’s the life-or-death choice when it comes to

relationships. At any given juncture we make the choice to

move toward the other person, choosing life in that

relationship, or to step away, choosing death.

TO BLESS OR TO CURSE

To understand the second choice set before God’s people in

Joshua’s time and in ours today—the blessing and the curse

—let’s take another look at the Hebrew words. For they also

imply two very different paths we can choose to take with

the Lord and with others.

The first idea contained in the Hebrew word for “bless” is

that of “bowing the knee.”3 (Genesis 24:11 actually uses

this word to describe a camel who must bend its knees so

its master can get on.) Bowing before someone is a graphic

picture of valuing that person.

Most Americans have never actually seen one person bow

before another. But in biblical times (and in many cultures

today), you bowed before someone of great value—a king, a

queen, a prophet, someone considered important and of

high worth. When you bless someone, in other words, you

are really saying, “I choose to treat you as someone

incredibly valuable in my life.” Of course, when we say,

“Bless the Lord!” we’re saying that as well: “Lord, you are so

incredibly valuable, you’re worthy of our ‘bowing the knee’

before you.”

Along with this first picture comes a second biblical word

picture. The word for bless (and a similar word, for honor)

also carries the idea of adding weight or value to someone.4

Literally, it’s a picture of adding coins to a scale. In biblical

times, you didn’t just hand someone a coin with a specific

denomination stamped on it as we do today. In Old

Testament times, a coin might carry an inscription or even a

picture of a ruler or someone of great value. But the way

you determined how much it was worth was to put it on a

scale. The greater the weight, the higher the value.

Let’s put those two pictures together now to gain a

sharper focus on what it means to bless someone. You are

basically saying, “You are of such great value to me, I

choose to add to your life.” And as you’ll soon see, there are

five specific actions you can take (the five elements of the

blessing) to do just that for another person.

But what about the opposite choice—the curse? In

understanding the word picture behind this word, I think

you’ll see it’s a choice that many continue to make today.

It’s not just a Stephen King scenario, an occult choice that

belongs in horror movies. Any of us can make the choice to

curse others instead of blessing them. We do that when we

subtract the things that would add life for the other person.

The word for curse in this passage literally means a

“trickle” or “muddy stream” caused by a dam or obstruction

upstream.5 For Joshua’s people, living in desert lands,

cutting off water meant cutting off life itself. So do you get

the terrible word picture here? When we curse someone, we

are choosing to “dam up the stream” on life-giving actions

and words that could flow down to that person.

Think of a desert dweller in biblical times who walks for

miles to find a life-giving stream, only to get there and find

a muddy trickle because someone dammed up the stream.

But now picture someone choosing to break down the dam

— choosing to add what was missing, bringing life where

there had been death.

A beautiful example of this is found in John 4, when Jesus

sat down with the woman at the well. We look at the story in

detail in a later chapter, but let’s take a quick peek now.

This woman is more or less an outcast in her town—married

five times, now living out of wedlock with a sixth man. She

comes to draw water in the heat of the day, when no one

else is around, probably avoiding the other women in the

village. And she’s a Samaritan, looked down on by all Jews.

So many aspects of her life act to dam up the flow of

blessing in her life—by that definition, she’s cursed.

But do you remember what Jesus offers this woman? He

offers her “living water” (John 4:10–15). And that’s because

God is the one who can break down all the things in our

lives that curse us, slowing the flow of what we need to a

trickle. It is he who blesses us with a flow of living water.

In Deuteronomy 23:5, God puts it this way: “The LORD

your God would not listen to Balaam [someone hired by the

Hebrews’ enemies to curse them], but the LORD your God

turned the curse into a blessing for you, because the LORD

your God loves you.”

That’s God’s choice, of course, but the choice to bless or

curse others is ours as well. We are told in the book of

Proverbs that “death and life are in the power of the

tongue” (Prov. 18:21). So it is with the blessing, and so it is

in a terribly negative way when we choose the curse.

It’s our choice then—yours and mine.

Will we choose life and move toward others or choose

death and step away?

Will we choose to bless our loved ones and the Lord by

bowing our knee and weighing our scales in their favor—

opening our lives to God’s blessing in the process? Or will

we choose to curse them by blocking the flow of good things

in our own lives and others’?

If you are ready to choose life and blessing, let’s be even

more specific about those five elements of the blessing that

biblical parents gave and that children today—children of all

ages—long for as well.

For more thoughts on the importance of making that life-or-

death choice to bless another person, especially a child,

watch the video provided at TheBlessing.com/Chapter 4.

PART 2

Understanding

the Blessing

FIVE

A Clear Path for Every Parent

THERE ARE TIMES in our lives when being able to see a clear

path is crucial. That was certainly true on a rainy August

day a number of years ago, when two young adventurers

decided to scale Mount Dom, the highest summit wholly

within Switzerland. At 14,942 feet, this peak near the town

of Zermatt is higher even than the Matterhorn.

Even though these American tourists were young and

inexperienced mountaineers, they felt confident that they

could make their climb with ease. After all, their first-day

goal was only to go halfway up the mountain to the Dom’s

“high hut,” which was staffed that time of year by the Swiss

Alpine Club. They would spend the night at the hut, get up

early the next morning, and reach the summit with no

problem.

At least that was their plan.

Despite a late start and deteriorating weather conditions,

they set out enthusiastically, moving up the forested trail

toward the halfway house. Because they hadn’t planned on

being out all night, they hadn’t bothered to bring any cold-

weather gear. They soon regretted that fact when the clouds

started spitting drops and then a steady rain began to fall.

What’s more, as they climbed higher and crossed the

timberline, the temperature fell dramatically.

By six o’clock that evening, when the cold rain began to

turn into snow, they were still climbing. They had long since

crossed the timberline, and the trail before them had

become increasingly difficult to follow. By eight o’clock,

darkness had fallen, and they both began to realize they

weren’t just lost—they were in life-threatening trouble. They

were soaked, shivering, and at risk of hypothermia, and

darkness was swallowing the path. They had no way of

knowing whether they were still headed toward the high hut

or headed toward one of the many steep drop-offs that

hugged the trail they had been climbing.

Just when their situation was most desperate, something

miraculous happened. From a great distance away, a tiny

light began to flicker. It just popped up on the mountainside

like a star beginning to blaze in the sky. Even at a distance,

the glow looked as bright as a lighthouse beacon to those

two shivering, frightened young men.

Where did the light come from? Before retiring for the

night, the keeper of the Dom’s high hut had decided to step

outside and place a kerosene lamp next to the door—just in

case a beacon might be needed by anyone caught in the

worsening storm. That light drew the boys out of the life-

threatening cold and darkness and into a place of warmth

and safety.

That story provides a context for the importance of a clear

path in times of increasing darkness—like these times in

which we live. If we are serious about helping our children

move toward warmth and light and love, we need to light

their footsteps on just such a positive path. The blessing is

the best way I know to provide such a light.

THE FIVE ELEMENTS OF THE BLESSING

But what exactly does it mean to give a blessing? What

actions and attitudes combine to make this biblical tool so

uniquely effective?

The blessing as described in Scripture always included five

elements:

1. Meaningful and appropriate touch

2. A spoken message

3. Attaching high value to the one being blessed

4. Picturing a special future for him or her

5. An active commitment to fulfill the blessing

Let’s take a quick look at each of these before exploring

them all in greater depth.

Meaningful Touch

Meaningful touch was an essential element in bestowing

the blessing in Old Testament homes. So it was with Isaac

when he went to bless his son. We read in Genesis 27:26

that Isaac said, “Come near now and kiss me, my son.” This

incident was not an isolated one. Each time the blessing

was given in the Scriptures, a meaningful touch provided a

caring background to the words that would be spoken.

Kissing, hugging, or the laying on of hands were all a part of

bestowing the blessing.

Meaningful touch has many beneficial effects. As we will

see in the next chapter, the act of touch is key in

communicating warmth, personal acceptance, affirmation,

even physical health. For any person who wishes to bless a

child, spouse, or friend, touch is an integral part of that

blessing.

A Spoken Message

The second element of the blessing involves a spoken

message—one that is actually put into words. In many

homes today such words of love and acceptance are seldom

received. Parents in these homes assume that simply being

present communicates the blessing—a tragic

misconception. A blessing fulfills its purpose only when it is

actually verbalized—spoken in person, written down, or

preferably both.

For a child in search of the blessing, silence communicates

mostly confusion. Children who are left to fill in the blanks

when it comes to what their parents think about them will

often fail the test when it comes to feeling valuable and

secure. Spoken or written words at least give the child an

indication that he or she is worthy of some attention. I

learned this lesson on the football field.

When I began playing football in high school, one

particular coach thought I was filled with raw talent

(emphasis on raw!). He was constantly chewing me out, and

he even took extra time after practice to point out mistakes

I was making.

After I missed an important block in practice one day (a

frequent occurrence), this coach stood one inch from my

face mask and chewed me out six ways from Sunday. When

he finally finished, he had me go over to the sidelines with

the other players who were not a part of the scrimmage.

Standing next to me was a third-string player who rarely

got into the game. I can remember leaning over to him and

saying, “Boy, I wish he would get off my case.”

“Don’t say that,” my teammate replied. “At least he’s

talking to you. If he ever stops talking to you, that means

he’s given up on you.”

Many adults we see in counseling interpret their parents’

silence in exactly that same way. They feel as though they

were third-string children to their parents. Their parents may

have provided a roof over their heads (or even a Porsche to

drive), but without actual words of blessing, they were left

unsure of how much they were valued and accepted.

Abraham spoke his blessing to his son Isaac. Isaac spoke a

blessing to his son Jacob. Jacob gave a verbal blessing to

each of his twelve sons and to two of his grandchildren.

When God blessed us with the gift of his Son, it was his

Word that “became flesh and dwelt among us” (John 1:14).

God has always been a God of words.

“But I don’t yell at my children or cut them down like

some parents,” some may say. Unfortunately, the lack of

negative words will not necessarily translate into a verbal

blessing. We will see this lack illustrated through several

painful examples in a later chapter.

To see the blessing bloom and grow in the life of a child,

spouse, or friend, we need to verbalize our message. Good

intentions aside, good words—spoken, written, and

preferably both—are necessary to communicate genuine

acceptance.

Attaching High Value

Meaningful touch and a spoken (or written) message—

these first two elements lead up to the content of the words

themselves. To convey the blessing, the words must attach

high value to the person being blessed.

In blessing Jacob (thinking it was Esau), Isaac said,

“Surely, the smell of my son is like the smell of a field which

the LORD has blessed. . . . Let peoples serve you, and

nations bow down to you” (Gen. 27:27, 29).

That pictures a very valuable person! Not just anybody

merits having nations bow down to him! And while we might

think that calling a person a field would be criticizing him,

that is not the case. A blessed field was one where there

was tremendous growth and life and reward. Just ask a farm

kid what a record crop, all ready to harvest, means to his or

her parents. That’s the picture Isaac gives his son.

As you may have noticed, Isaac uses a word picture (the

field) to describe how valuable his son is to him. Word

pictures are a powerful way of communicating acceptance.

Later we will look at the use of these word pictures and

learn how to use them in giving a blessing. In the Old

Testament they were a key to communicating to a child,

spouse, or friend a message of high value—the third

element of the family blessing.

Picturing a Special Future

A fourth element of the blessing is the way it pictures a

special future for the person being blessed. Isaac said to his

son Jacob, “May God give you of the dew of heaven, of the

fatness of the earth. . . . Let peoples serve you, and nations

bow down to you” (Gen. 27:28–29).

Even today, Jewish homes are noted for picturing a special

future for their children. One story I heard illustrates this

activity very well.

Sidel, a young Jewish mother, was proudly walking down

the street, pushing a stroller with her infant twins. As she

rounded the corner, she saw her neighbor, Sarah. “My, what

beautiful children,” Sarah cooed. “What are their names?”

Pointing to each child, Sidel replied, “This is Bennie, the

doctor, and Reuben, the lawyer.”

This woman believed her children had great potential and

a special future before them. Isaac believed the same about

his son and communicated that in his blessing—as we

should communicate to those we seek to bless.

One distinction should be made between Isaac’s blessing

and the act of picturing a special future for a person today.

Because of Isaac’s unique position as a patriarch (God’s

appointed leader and a father of the nation of Israel), his

words to Jacob carried with them the weight of biblical

prophecy. We today cannot predict another person’s future

with such biblical accuracy. But we can help those we are

blessing see a future that is full of light and opportunity. We

can let them know we believe they can build an outstanding

life and future with the strengths and abilities God has given

them.

As we will see in a later chapter, our Lord himself speaks

quite eloquently about our future in the Bible. In fact, he

goes to great lengths to assure us of our present

relationship with him and of the ocean full of blessings in

store for us as his children.

We need to picture just such a special future for our

children if we are serious about giving them our blessing.

With this fourth element of the blessing, a child can gain a

sense of security in the present and grow in confidence to

serve God and others in the future.

An Active Commitment

The last element of the blessing concerns the

responsibility that goes with giving the blessing. For the

patriarchs, not only their words but God himself stood

behind the blessing they bestowed on their children. Several

times God spoke directly through the angel of the Lord to

the patriarchs confirming his active commitment to their

family line.

Parents today, in particular, need to rely on the Lord to

give them the strength and staying power to confirm their

children’s blessing by expressing such an active

commitment. They, too, have God’s Word through the

Scriptures as a guide, plus the power of the indwelling Holy

Spirit.

Why is active commitment so important when it comes to

bestowing the blessing? Words alone cannot communicate

the blessing; they need to be backed with a willingness to

do everything possible to help the one blessed be

successful. We can tell a child, “You have the talent to be a

very good pianist.” But if we neglect to provide a piano for

that child to practice on, our lack of commitment has

undermined our message.

When it comes to spending time together or helping

develop a certain skill, some children hear, “Wait until the

weekend.” Then it becomes, “Wait until another weekend”

so many times that they no longer believe the words of

blessing.

The fifth element of the blessing, an active commitment,

is crucial to communicating the blessing in our homes.

AT HOME WITH THE FAMILY BLESSING

That’s a brief overview of the five elements of the blessing

that can become a life-changing part of how we do family.

Provide the five basic ingredients of the blessing—

meaningful touch, a spoken (or written) message, attaching

high value to the one being blessed, picturing a special

future for him or her, and confirming the blessing by an

active commitment—and personal acceptance can thrive in

a home.

Our aim now is to become very practical as we look more

closely at each of the five key elements of the blessing. For

each element you will be prompted to look back at the path

you walked with your own parents and ask, “Did I receive

this element of the blessing?” Then a little later you will be

prompted to consider the path you are walking with your

child today and to ask, “Am I giving this element of the

blessing to my child?” Both questions, as we go through

each of these five elements, can provide a powerful,

thought-provoking look at where you have been, where you

are today, and where you can go as you accept the

challenge of making the blessing part of your family life.

If you are a little unclear right now as to why these five

elements are so significant, get ready for the light to be

turned up brighter on this biblical path . . . starting with our

look at each child’s need for appropriate, meaningful touch.

SIX

The First Element:

Meaningful Touch

ISABEL WAS A sensitive young woman—and a seriously ill

one, suffering greatly in the diabetic/medical-surgical unit.

She was in so much pain that she cried regularly to the

nursing staff, pleading for more frequent painkiller

injections. Yet the medicine therapy she was on and her own

physical condition precluded her from receiving the shots

when she wanted them. The risk for further infection and

internal bleeding was simply too great.

Finally, after Isabel had badgered the nurses on every

shift, the senior nurse in charge went to talk to her.

Nurse Ida Heath was a thirty-year veteran of the wards

and a reserved, capable teacher. She explained to Isabel,

logically and practically, the potential dangers of giving her

injections whenever she asked for them. She also assured

Isabel that the nurses were trying to protect her, not harm

her, by limiting her injections. Isabel listened intently and

even nodded, understanding.

Her mission accomplished, Nurse Heath was preparing to

leave when Isabel stopped her. “If I can’t have my shot . . .

can you give me a hug?”

Not thinking she had heard right, the nurse asked,

“Excuse me?”

Isabel repeated, “Could you give me a hug for the pain . . .

please?”

Caught off guard, the stately nurse said, “Well, okay,” and

put an arm around Isabel’s shoulder. But then, it was as if

God spoke to her and said, “For goodness’ sake, Ida, that’s

not what she asked for!” So Nurse Heath put both arms

around Isabel and gave her a big hug.

Isabel burst into tears.

“All this time I thought the nurses hated me. I’m just

hurting so badly. Whenever I need a pain shot, can I call you

and get a hug instead?”

Nurse Heath assured Isabel she could get her hug

whenever she needed it. She even wrote it down on her

medical Kardex, in the medication section: “Pain hugs for

Isabel, upon request.”

Isabel died a few months later at the age of thirty-four.

But before her death, whenever she was admitted to a

different ward in the hospital or when the nights became too

long, she would call Nurse Heath for her pain hug.

A hug can’t wipe away all our pain, but it can help. And

while meaningful touch can’t chase away all our fears and

insecurities, it can help with many of them.

A little four-year-old girl became frightened late one night

during a thunderstorm. After one particularly loud clap of

thunder, she jumped up from her bed, ran down the hall,

and burst into her parents’ room. Jumping right in the

middle of the bed, she sought out her parents’ arms for

comfort and assurance.

“Don’t worry, honey,” her father said, trying to calm her

fears. “The Lord will protect you.” The little girl snuggled

closer to her father and said, “I know that, Daddy, but right

now I need someone with skin on!”

The honesty of some children! This little one did not doubt

her heavenly Father’s ability to protect her, but she was also

aware that he had given her an earthly father she could run

to, someone whom God had entrusted with a special gift

that could bring her comfort, security, and personal

acceptance— the blessing of meaningful touch.

This little girl was fortunate. Her father was willing to

share this important aspect of the blessing with his

daughter. Not all children are as fortunate. Even in caring

homes, most parents, particularly fathers, will stop touching

their children once they reach the grade-school years.1

When they do that, an important part of their blessing stops

as well.

Holding and hugging a four-year-old is permissible in most

homes. But what about the need a fourteen-year-old has to

be meaningfully touched by his mother or father (even if the

teenager outwardly cringes every time she or he is

hugged)? What about a thirty-four-year-old—or a spouse or

close friend?

We all need meaningful touch and suffer when we are

deprived of it. However, children are particularly affected by

the absence of touch. Sometimes it can so affect a child that

he or she spends a lifetime reaching out for arms that will

never embrace him or her.

“I wish . . . I wish . . .” Lisa had slumped down in her chair,

hugging herself and rocking back and forth as she repeated

these words. Lisa was a new adolescent patient in the

psychiatric ward where I was an intern. Whenever she felt

afraid or sad, she would wrap her arms around herself and

rock back and forth.

We found that Lisa had behaved this way since she was

seven years old. That was when her mother abandoned her

at an orphanage.

Lisa was trying to escape her hurt and pain by holding

herself. She had no one else to hold her; all she had was the

wish that her mother would return. She needed meaningful

touch so much that she would wrap her arms around herself

and try to hug away the hurt.

THE BLESSING: MEANINGFUL TOUCH

In the Scriptures, touch played an important part in the

bestowal of the family blessing. When Isaac blessed Jacob,

an embrace and a kiss were involved. We read, “Then his

father Isaac said to him, ‘Please come close and kiss me, my

son’” (Gen. 27:26 NASB).

The Hebrew word for “come close” is very descriptive. It is

used of armies drawn together in battle. It is even used to

picture the overlapping scales on a crocodile’s skin.2 It may

have been awhile since you last saw a battle or a crocodile,

but these word pictures still call up in our minds a picture of

a very close connection.

Isaac wasn’t asking his son to give him an “Aunt Ethel

hug.” (Remember Aunt Ethel—the one who pinched your

cheek and then repeatedly patted you on the back when

she hugged you?) Free from the current taboos our culture

sets on a man embracing his son, Isaac was calling Jacob

close to give him a bear hug.

For fathers in North America, there is a strong correlation

between the age of a son and whether his father will touch

him.3 Yet Isaac’s grown son was at least forty years old

when he said, “Come close and kiss me, my son.”4

Children of all ages need meaningful touch, particularly

from a father. Studies have showed that mothers touch their

children in more nurturing ways and fathers in more playful

ways. But when the children were interviewed, they

perceived their fathers’ touch as more nurturing—perhaps

because it didn’t happen as often.5

As we have seen with Lisa, our need for meaningful touch

does not go away when we enter grade school. Isaac didn’t

set up barriers around the need to be touched. He was a

model that parents, husbands and wives, and even friends

at church need to follow in giving the blessing.

I deeply appreciate my mother’s commitment to

meaningfully touch us when we were children even though I

did not always appreciate it at the time.

As a single parent, Mom had to work full time to support

three hungry, healthy boys. In the morning she would get us

all up and get herself ready. Then we would all pile in the

car so she could take us off to school and herself to work.

While her taxi service saved us the long walk, there was one

thing about it that my twin brother and I hated. Before we

were allowed to get out of the car, we had to give Mom a

hug.

As you can imagine, hugging your mom in front of all your

school friends was not tops on the list of two aspiring

football players. In fact, each year we would make our

mother drop us farther and farther from school—just in case

someone saw us hugging her. But she never stopped. Her

pattern of hugging us was absolutely dependable, even

when we would respond with “Oh, Mom!” or “I can’t stand

it!” I can remember only one time when it didn’t happen,

and it got me in major trouble.

On that particular morning, we were all in a rush to get

the day launched. We were eager to get to school to shoot

some hoops before the morning bell, and Mom had a major

presentation at work. Distracted by her busy day, she let us

all out of the car without forcing us to give her a hug.

As she drove away, Jeff and I just looked at each other.

She hadn’t even mentioned hugging us—and I instantly

thought the worst.

“She must know something,” I told Jeff. “I know she knows

something!”

Unfortunately, at the time there were a number of things

she could have found out that could have resulted in our

being grounded until we were in our midthirties.

All day we brooded over what our mother might have

discovered that made her so angry she had chosen not to

hug us. Finally the day was over, and we all sat around the

dinner table. Dinnertime at our house was normally filled

with enthusiastic conversation, but that night there was

dead silence as we waited for the storm to break. While Jeff

could have waited all night, the quiet quickly got to me. I

broke down and blurted out, “Okay, Mom. We’re sorry. I

can’t believe you found out, but we are really sorry.”

I wasn’t ready for the confused look that came across my

mother’s face.

“What are you talking about, John?” she asked.

“Well, this morning,” I told her. “When we got out of the

car . . . you know . . . you didn’t hug us!”

Laughing, she said, “Oh, I’m sorry. I guess I was so busy

thinking about the presentation I had to make, I just forgot.”

Then her smile vanished. “But what was it you were

confessing to?”

As Jeff glared at me, I realized I had just gotten us both in

big trouble—all because I had missed the hug I always

hated.

Though I could always count on my mother’s touch, the

opposite was true of my father. With him, I could rely on

touch being off-limits. When my brothers and I finally began

a relationship with him after nearly fifteen years of his

absence, it was obvious that meaningful touch wasn’t

something he was comfortable with.

During my easily embarrassed teenage years, that was all

right with me. But as the years went on, I found myself

wishing for at least one hug from my father. At my wedding.

Or when our daughter Kari was born. Or when Laura, our

second “gift” and blessing, arrived. Or at Christmastime. Or

anytime.

I did hold his hand on a few occasions—when he was so

seriously ill he couldn’t object. And each of those times

stands out like a beacon—a memory of closeness that was

pushed away from me anytime he had the strength.

LIVING THE BLESSING

Meaningful Touch and You

As you read about this first element of the blessing, take time to

write down some of your thoughts and feelings. In particular,

how did you experience this element in your early life? Was

meaningful touch an active, positive part of your past? Why or

why not? What part did it play in whether or not you received

the blessing as a child?

ANOTHER TOUCHING SCENE

In the Scriptures, we find another clear example of including

meaningful touch in bestowing the blessing. This time the

blessing involves a grandfather who wanted to make sure

his grandchildren received this special gift of personal

experience. Let’s look in on the “touching” scene:

Joseph said to his father, “They are my sons, whom God has

given me in this place.” And he said, “Please bring them to me,

and I will bless them.” Now the eyes of Israel were dim with age,

so that he could not see. Then Joseph brought them near him,

and he kissed them and embraced them. . . .

Then Israel stretched out his right hand and laid it on

Ephraim’s head . . . and his left hand on Manasseh’s head. (Gen.

48:9–10, 14)

Jacob (whose name had now been changed to Israel) not

only kissed his grandchildren and held them close, but he

also placed his hands on each grandson’s head.6 This

practice of laying on of hands was an important part of

many of the religious rituals for the biblical patriarchs.

There are at least two important reasons why placing our

hands on someone as a part of the blessing is so special.

First, there is a symbolic meaning attached to touching, and

second, there are tremendous physical benefits to the laying

on of hands.

THE SYMBOLIC MEANING PICTURED BY

TOUCHING

In the Old Testament, the symbolic picture of the laying on

of hands was important. This touch presented a graphic

picture of transferring power or blessing from one person to

another.7

For example, in the book of Leviticus, Aaron was

instructed to use this practice in his priestly duties. On the

Day of Atonement, he was to place his hands on the head of

a goat that was then sent into the wilderness. This picture is

of Aaron symbolically transferring the sins of Israel onto that

animal. (It is also a prophetic picture of how Christ, like that

spotless animal, would take on our sins at the Cross.) In

another example, Elijah passed along his role as God’s

prophet to Elisha by the laying on of hands.

Even today the symbolic meaning of touch is powerful.

While we may not be consciously aware of it, the way we

touch can carry tremendous symbolic meaning.

A young woman holding hands with a new boyfriend can

signal “I’m taken” to other would-be suitors. Two

businesspeople shaking hands can signify that an important

deal has been completed. A minister at a wedding says to a

couple, “If you then have freely and lawfully chosen one

another as husband and wife, please join hands as you

repeat these vows.”

Back in the 1990s, near the end of the first Gulf War, I

witnessed an example of the symbolic meaning of touch at

one of my favorite places to watch human behavior—the

airport.

A young Japanese American soldier sat next to me on a

plane coming from Ontario to Phoenix. He was on his way

home from almost six months in the Gulf. I learned he had

ridden a tank through the heaviest fighting. He told of

firefights at night, burning oil wells, jubilant Kuwaitis who

had been defended from Saddam Hussein’s attack, and of

missing home. Then our plane touched down.

At the Phoenix airport, a glass wall separates the

passengers who have been screened from family and

friends who have come to meet them. As we rounded the

corner, we heard cries of joy.

There, pounding on the glass wall, were the soldier’s wife,

two sets of parents, and two young children. While Asians

are often stereotyped as reserved, there was nothing

reserved about this young hero’s reception. He ran through

the exit doors and into his family’s arms to be smothered

with hugs, kisses, smiles, and tears. All of us in the waiting

area were caught up in this wonderful reunion. Total

strangers spontaneously burst into applause, and many had

tears in their eyes as we all shared in the happiness of this

homecoming.

Just a few months later, I saw a different type of

homecoming, which captured many of those same powerful

emotions. The network television program 20/20 chronicled

the story of two Vietnamese children, presumed orphans,

who had been evacuated when Saigon fell in 1975. Shelling

from the advancing North Vietnamese army had separated

this five- and four-year-old boy and girl from their parents,

and everyone assumed the parents were dead. Actually the

children’s mother and father were alive, desperately

searching for them. But nobody knew that, so the children

were taken to the United States as orphans.

They grew up in loving American homes, with caring

adoptive parents. The boy joined the United States Army

and became a second lieutenant. His sister married and

became the mother of three children. They kept in touch

over the years, and in high school they had begun the

painstaking research that eventually led them to discover

their parents were alive after all.

Decades after the war, with relationships beginning to

soften between Vietnam and the United States, the two

children were finally granted visas to return and be reunited

with their parents and the brothers and sisters they had

never seen. Cameramen for 20/20 accompanied them, and

the emotion captured by the cameramen was incredible.

Half a world separated this family—along with a terrible

war, more than twenty years, and now even language. Yet

they still had one thing in common. When they saw each

other for the first time, they ran and fell into each other’s

arms with sobs, hugs, and kisses that said, in a language

they all understood, “We love you. . . . We missed you. . . .

We’re so glad you’re home.”

They may have needed a translator to talk with each

other in words, but as they sat and held hands, they clearly

communicated the warmth and love that even a war

couldn’t kill.

THE PHYSICAL POWER OF TOUCH

While important symbolism accompanies our touch, it is not

the only reason God made it a part of the blessing.

Meaningful touch also communicates blessing on a very

basic, physical level.

For one thing, over one-third of our five million touch

receptors are centered in our hands!8 Our hands are so

sensitive that some blind people are being taught to read

without braille, by actually “seeing” through their fingertips!

At Princeton University’s Cutaneous Communication

Laboratory, “vibratese” is an experimental procedure in

translating the printed words into vibrations that can be

perceived by fingertips.9

Interestingly enough, the act of laying on of hands,

associated with the biblical blessing, has more recently

become the focus of a great deal of secular interest and

research. Dr. Dolores Krieger, a professor of nursing at New

York University, has done numerous studies on the effects of

laying on of hands. What she found is that both the toucher

and the one being touched receive a psychological benefit

from this practice.10

How is that possible? Inside our bodies is hemoglobin, the

pigment of the red blood cells, which carries oxygen to the

tissues. Repeatedly, Dr. Krieger has found that hemoglobin

levels in both people’s bloodstreams go up during the act of

laying on of hands. As hemoglobin levels are invigorated,

body tissues receive more oxygen. This increase of oxygen

energizes a person and can even aid in the regenerative

process if he or she is ill.

We are sure that Ephraim and Manasseh were not

thinking, Wow, our hemoglobin levels are going up! when

their grandfather laid his hands on them. However, one of

the things that certainly stayed with them as they looked

back on their day of blessing was the old patriarch’s gentle

touch.

Hugs and kisses were also a part of meaningful touching

pictured in the Scriptures. So healthy is meaningful touch

that we ought to listen to the words of Ralph Waldo

Emerson: “I never like the giving of the hand, unless the

entire body accompanies it!” Let’s look further at the

physical benefits of touching and the deep emotional needs

that can be met by this first element of the family blessing.

How would you like to lower your husband’s or wife’s

blood pressure? Protect your grade-school child from being

involved in an immoral relationship later in life? Even add up

to two years to your own life? (Almost sounds like an

insurance commercial, doesn’t it?) Actually, these are all

findings in studies on the incredible power to bless found in

meaningful touching.

MORE REASONS WHY MEANINGFUL TOUCH

BLESSES US PHYSICALLY

Every day, researchers are discovering more and more

information about the importance of touch. If we are serious

about being a source of blessing to others, we must

consider putting these important points into practice. As we

saw in the studies of the laying on of hands, a number of

physical changes take place when we reach out and touch.

A study at UCLA found, for example, that men and women

need eight to ten meaningful touches a day just to maintain

emotional and physical health.11

Gary once shared this information at a marriage seminar.

As he talked about the “eight to ten meaningful touches,”

he noticed a man in the second row reach over and begin

patting his wife on the shoulder and counting, “One, two,

three . . .” That is not what the study meant by meaningful

touch!

The UCLA researchers defined meaningful touch as a

gentle touch, stroke, kiss, or hug given by significant people

in our lives (a husband or wife, parent, close friend, and so

on). They even estimated that if some type-A–driven men

would hug their wives several times each day, they could

increase their life spans by almost two years (not to mention

the way it would improve their marriages)!

Obviously, we can physically bless those around us (and

even ourselves) with meaningful touch. But touching does

much more than that.

Do you have a newborn in your home? Newborns make

tremendous gains if provided with meaningful touch—and

may be at risk if they aren’t.

Researchers at the University of Miami Medical School’s

Touch Research Institute began giving premature babies

forty-five minutes of massage each day. Within ten days, the

massaged babies showed 47 percent greater weight gain

than those children who were not regularly touched.12 A

second study showed that actual bone growth of young

children who had been deprived of parental touching was

half that of children who received adequate physical

attention.13

And in groundbreaking studies, Doctors Schanberg and

Butler at Duke University Medical School found that without

maternal touch, rat pups do not produce a type of protein

crucial to their growth and development. When these rat

pups were separated and unable to feel their mother’s

touch, they responded by slowly shutting down production

of an enzyme crucial to the development of major organs.

As soon as the pups were reunited with their mother,

however, enzyme production returned to normal.14

Even the smallest act of touch can help a child who is

unable to move. One group of physically handicapped

children were placed on a smooth surface (like smooth

Naugahyde) and a second group on a highly textured

surface (like a rubber floor mat). EMG studies showed

marked differences between the two groups, including

increases in muscle tone simply from placing children on a

textured surface.15

You can’t get away from it. Overwhelming evidence shows

that physical touch benefits and blesses children (and

animals). But how about adults?

Are your parents getting up in years? Meaningful touch

can be an important part of maintaining health and positive

attitude in older persons. In a practice that has become

commonplace now, residents in nursing homes were

brought together with pets from a neighboring animal

shelter. At first it was thought to be just a good recreational

activity. Upon further study, more significant results began

to surface. Those residents who had a pet to touch and hold

not only lived longer than those without a pet; they also had

a more positive attitude about life!16

Elderly patients with more serious problems have also

demonstrated a number of tremendous benefits from

regular, meaningful touch. For those suffering with

dementia, a regimen of regular meaningful touch

significantly increased their nutritional intake, helping them

gain needed weight.17 In addition, with Alzheimer’s

patients, physical touch decreased strange movements and

repetitious mannerisms such as picking up objects again

and again.18

But perhaps the most powerful data to come out of

research on aging concerns the ways touch may actually

help preserve a healthy person’s brain as it ages! Robert M.

Stapolsky of Stanford University found that even a small

amount of extra physical stimulation soon after birth made

a lasting effect on rats’ brains. Meaningful touch in infancy

caused the rats’ brains to put a brake on the development

of glucocorticoids, stress hormones that are “a disaster to

have in the bloodstream.” As a result, when these rats

became old, they didn’t lose any of the 10 to 20 percent of

memory-critical gray matter that older rats, monkeys, and

humans normally tend to lose.19

While meaningful touch may not be the “fountain of

youth,” it certainly does provide a clear stream of physical

benefits for young and old alike. And what’s more, people

who regularly give and receive meaningful touch

consistently feel better about themselves and have higher

self-worth.20

MEANINGFUL TOUCH BLESSES OUR

RELATIONSHIPS

An interesting study done at Purdue University

demonstrates how important touch is in determining how

we view someone else. Librarians at the school were asked

by researchers to alternately touch and not touch the hands

of students as they handed back their library cards. The

experimenters then interviewed the students. Do you know

what they found? You guessed it. Those who had been

touched reported far greater positive feelings about both

the library and the librarian than those who were not

touched.21

A doctor I know, a noted neurosurgeon, did his own study

on the effects of brief times of touch. With half his patients

in the hospital, he would sit on their beds and touch them

on the arm or leg when he came in to see how they were

doing. With his remaining patients, he would simply stand

near the bed to conduct his interview of how they were

feeling.

Before the patients went home from the hospital, the

nurses gave each patient a short questionnaire evaluating

the treatment they received. They were especially asked to

comment on the amount of time they felt the doctor had

spent with them. While in actuality he had spent the same

amount of time in each patient’s room, those people he had

come near and touched felt he had been in their room

nearly twice as long as those he had not touched.

Other studies have shown similar results in very different

circumstances. Shoppers in a Kansas City, Missouri,

supermarket were asked to sample a new brand of pizza.

Those who were touched for only a fraction of a second

during the sales pitch were more likely to buy the new

product.22 And airline passengers who were touched

“accidentally” by flight attendants on a long-distance flight

rated those attendants as more qualified, the airline as

more professional, and the plane trip safer than those who

were not touched.23

Come on, Trent. Get serious, Smalley, you may be

thinking. Do we really mean that a touch lasting a few

seconds or less can help you build better relationships?

Actually, we hope you can touch your loved ones much

more than that, but even small acts of touch can indeed

leave a lasting impression.

Touching a child on the shoulder when he or she walks in

front of you, holding hands with your spouse while you wait

in line, stopping for a moment to ruffle someone’s hair—all

these small acts can change how you are viewed by others

and even how they view themselves. A ten-minute bear hug

is not the only way to give another person the blessing. At

times, the smallest act of touch can be a vehicle to

communicating love and personal acceptance.

A freelance reporter from the New York Times once

interviewed movie icon Marilyn Monroe. The reporter was

aware of Marilyn’s painful past and the fact that during her

early years Marilyn had been shuffled from one foster home

to another. The reporter asked Marilyn, “Did you ever feel

loved by any of the foster families with whom you lived?”

“Once,” Marilyn replied, “when I was about seven or eight.

The woman I was living with was putting on makeup, and I

was watching her. She was in a happy mood, so she reached

over and patted my cheeks with her rouge puff. . . . For that

moment, I felt loved by her.”24

Marilyn Monroe had tears in her eyes when she

remembered this event. Why? The touch lasted only a few

seconds, and it happened years before. It was even done in

a casual, playful way, not in an attempt to communicate

great warmth or meaning. But as small an act as it was, it

was like pouring buckets of love and security on the parched

life of a little girl starved for affection.

Parents, in particular, need to know that neglecting to

meaningfully touch their children starves them of genuine

acceptance—so much so that it can drive them into the

arms of someone else who is all too willing to touch them.

Analyzing why some young people are drawn to cults, one

author writes, “Cults and related movements offer a new

family. They provide the follower with new people to worry

about him, to offer him advice, to cry with him, and

importantly, to hold him and touch him. Those can be

unbeatable attractions.”25

They certainly can, especially if meaningful touch has not

been a part of the blessing a child receives. Even if a child is

not lured into a cult to make up for years of touch

deprivation, he or she can be drawn into the arms of an

immoral relationship.

Promiscuous persons, prostitutes, and women who

repeatedly have unwanted pregnancies have told

researchers that their sexual activity is merely a way of

satisfying yearnings to be touched and held. Dr. Marc

Hollender, a noted psychiatrist, interviewed scores of

women who have had three or more unwanted pregnancies.

Overwhelmingly, these women said that they were

“consciously aware that sexual activity was a price to be

paid for being cuddled and held.” Touching before

intercourse was more pleasurable than intercourse itself,

“which was merely something to be tolerated.”26

A similar study with homosexual men indicated that they

shared a common characteristic: the absence of meaningful

touching by their fathers early in life.27 Dr. Ross Campbell,

in his excellent book How to Really Love Your Child, comes

to a similar conclusion. He writes, “In all my reading and

experience, I have never known one sexually disoriented

person who had a warm, loving, and affectionate father.”28

Touch from both a mother and father is important. If you

are a single parent, your choice to provide appropriate

touch is hugely important as well. Meaningful touching can

protect a child from looking to meet this need in all the

wrong places.

If we ignore the physical and emotional needs our

children, spouse, or close friends have for meaningful touch,

we deny them an important part of the blessing. What’s

more, we shatter a biblical guideline that our Lord Jesus

himself set in blessing others.

LIVING THE BLESSING

Giving the Gift of Meaningful Touch

As we continue our look at appropriate, meaningful touch, write

down your thoughts on whether you believe you are giving this

essential element of the blessing to the important people in your

life—especially children—right now. Why or why not? What

would it take for you to learn to give this element of the blessing

more often?

JESUS AND THE BLESSING OF MEANINGFUL

TOUCH

Jesus was a model of someone who communicated the

blessing to others. In fact, his blessing of children in the

Gospels parallels the important elements of the family

blessing, including meaningful touch. Let’s look at Mark’s

account of that blessing.

Then they brought little children to Him, that He might touch

them; but the disciples rebuked those who brought them. But

when Jesus saw it, He was greatly displeased and said to them,

“Let the little children come to Me, and do not forbid them; for of

such is the kingdom of God. . . .” And He took them up in His

arms, laid His hands on them, and blessed them. (Mark 10:13–

14, 16)

Meaningful touching was certainly a part of Christ’s

blessing as Mark described it. Mobbed by onlookers and

protected by his disciples, Jesus could have easily waved to

the children from a distance or just ignored them altogether.

But he did neither. Jesus would not even settle for the

politicians’ “chuck under the chin” routine; he “took them

up in His arms, laid His hands on them, and blessed them.”

In this moment, Jesus was not simply communicating a

spiritual lesson to the crowds. He could have done that by

simply placing one child in the center of the group as he did

on another occasion (Matt. 18:2). Here, Jesus was

demonstrating his knowledge of the genuine importance of

touch to a child.

For children, things become real when they are touched.

Have you ever been to Disneyland and seen the look on

little ones’ faces when they come face-to-face with a person

dressed like Goofy or Donald Duck? Even if they are initially

fearful, soon they will want to reach out and touch the

Disney character. This same principle allows children to

stand in line for hours to see Santa Claus—the same

children who normally can’t stand still for five minutes.

Jesus was a master of communicating love and personal

acceptance. He did so when he blessed and held these little

children. But another time his sensitivity to the importance

of touch played itself out more dramatically, when Jesus

chose to touch a man who was barred by law from ever

touching anyone again:

And a leper came to Him, beseeching Him and falling on his

knees before Him, and saying to Him, “If You are willing, You can

make me clean.”

And moved with compassion, He stretched out His hand, and

touched him, and said to him, “I am willing; be cleansed.” And

immediately the leprosy left him and he was cleansed. (Mark

1:40–42 NASB, italics added)

In Jesus’ day, to touch a leper was unthinkable. Fear

banished them from society, and people would not get

within a stone’s throw of them. In fact, they would throw

stones at them if they did come close.29 A parallel passage

in Luke tells us that this man was “covered with leprosy.”

With their open sores covered by dirty bandages, lepers

were the last persons anyone would want to touch. Yet the

first thing Christ did when he met this man, even before he

spoke to him, was to reach out his hand and touch him.

Can you imagine what that scene must have looked like?

Think how this man must have longed for someone to touch

him, not throw stones at him to drive him away. And

remember, Jesus could have healed him first and then

touched him. But recognizing his deepest need, Jesus

stretched out his hand even before he spoke words of

physical and spiritual healing.

I know of one person who could understand the pain of

not being touched. Her name was Dorothy, and she spent

years of her life longing for meaningful touch.

I learned about Dorothy through a speech teacher at a

large, secular university, a man in his early sixties who is an

outstanding Christian. For nearly twenty-five years, this man

had been a source of encouragement to students inside and

outside of class. Many young men and women have trusted

Christ as their Savior through his quiet modeling of godly

principles. However, what changed Dorothy’s life was

neither his ability to communicate nor his stirring class

lectures, but one act of touch.

During the first day of an introductory speech class, this

teacher was going around the room, having the students

introduce themselves. Each student was to respond to the

questions “What do I like about myself?” and “What don’t I

like about myself?”

Nearly hiding at the back of the room was Dorothy. Her

long red hair hung down around her face, almost obscuring

it from view. When it was Dorothy’s turn to introduce

herself, there was only silence in the room. Thinking

perhaps she had not heard the question, the teacher moved

his chair over near hers and gently repeated the question.

Again, there was only silence.

Finally, with a deep sigh, Dorothy sat up in her chair,

pulled back her hair, and in the process revealed her face.

Covering nearly all of one side of her face was a large,

irregularly shaped birthmark—nearly as red as her hair.

“That,” she said, “should show you what I don’t like about

myself.”

Moved with compassion, this godly professor did

something he had never done before in a classroom.

Prompted by God’s Spirit, he leaned over and gave her a

hug. Then he kissed her on her cheek where the birthmark

was and said, “That’s okay, honey, God and I still think

you’re beautiful.”

Dorothy cried uncontrollably for almost twenty minutes.

Soon other students had gathered around her and were

offering their comfort as well. When she finally could talk,

dabbing the tears from her eyes, she said to the professor,

“I’ve wanted so much for someone to hug me and say what

you said. Why couldn’t my parents do that? My mother

won’t even touch my face.”

Dorothy, just like the leper in Christ’s time, had a layer of

inner pain trapped beneath the outward scars. This one act

of meaningful touching began to heal years of heartache

and loneliness for Dorothy and opened the door that drew

her to the Savior.

We know that for many people, meaningful touch simply

wasn’t a natural part of growing up. For me (John), growing

up in Arizona, the cultural norm was, “It’s okay to hug your

horse, but not your kids!”

Wherever you live across the United States, you may not

come from a warm, affectionate background. Sociologist

Sidney Jourand studied the touch behavior of pairs of people

in coffee shops around the world. The difference between

cultures was staggering. In San Juan, Puerto Rico, people

touched on average 180 times per hour. In Paris, France, it

was 110 times per hour. In Gainesville, Florida, 2 times per

hour. And in London, England, 0 times per hour.30

We Americans aren’t known as a country of huggers, and

with all the media reports of child abuse and inappropriate

touching, we have backed away from touch even more. We

need to realize, however, that avoiding healthy, appropriate,

meaningful touch sacrifices physical and emotional health in

our lives and the lives of our loved ones.

If we want to be people who give the blessing to others,

one thing is clear. Just like Isaac, Jacob, Jesus, and even the

professor, we must include meaningful touch in our contacts

with loved ones. This element of the blessing can lay the

groundwork for the second key aspect of the blessing—a

message that is put into words.

SEVEN

The Second Element:

A Spoken Message

MOST OF US grew up reciting clever sayings like “Early to

bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise,”

“A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush,” and “A stitch in

time saves nine.” But unlike all these words of wisdom, one

saying we memorized is an absolute lie.

Do you remember the lines, “Sticks and stones may break

my bones, but words will never hurt me”? That’s not true,

even a little! Words can hurt. They can cut a person deeply,

destroy a friendship, rip apart a home or marriage, or

devastate a child.

Words have incredible power to build us up or tear us

down emotionally. This is particularly true when it comes to

giving or gaining family approval. Many people can clearly

remember words of praise their parents spoke years ago.

Others can remember negative words they heard—and what

their parents were wearing when they spoke them!

We should not be surprised, then, that the family blessing

hinges on being a verbalized message. Abraham spoke a

blessing to Isaac. Isaac spoke it to his son Jacob. Jacob

spoke it to each of his twelve sons and to two of his

grandchildren. Esau was so excited when he was called in to

receive his blessing because, after years of waiting, he

would finally hear the blessing. Later, the apostle Paul wrote

eloquent words of blessing to growing churches all over the

Roman Empire.

In the Scriptures, a blessing is not a blessing unless it is

put into words and actually communicated.

THE POWER OF WORDS

If you are a parent, your children desperately need to

receive words of blessing from you. If you are married, your

wife or husband needs to receive words of love and

acceptance on a regular basis. This very week with a friend,

a coworker, or someone at your church, you will rub

shoulders with someone who needs to receive words of

encouragement.

Throughout the Scriptures, we find a keen recognition of

the power and importance of words. In the very beginning,

God spoke and the world came into being (Gen. 1:3). When

he sent us his Son to communicate his love and complete

his plan of salvation, it was his Word that “became flesh and

dwelt among us” (John 1:14). God has always been a God

who communicates his blessing through words.

In the book of James, three word pictures grab our

attention and point out the power and importance of words.

All three illustrate the ability the tongue (the primary

conveyer of words) has to build up or break down

relationships, the ability to bless or to curse.

First, the tongue is pictured as a “bit” used to direct a

horse (James 3:3). If you control a horse’s mouth by means

of a small bit, the entire animal will move in the direction

you choose. (We have ridden a few horses that seem to be

exceptions, but the general rule is certainly true.) The

second picture illustrates this same principle in a different

way. Here a “small rudder” is used to turn a great ship (3:4).

These analogies point out the way words can direct and

control a person or a relationship.

A parent, spouse, or friend can use this power of the

tongue for good. He or she can steer a child away from

trouble or provide guidance to a friend who is making an

important decision. He or she can minister words of

encouragement or lift up words of praise. But this power can

also be misused, sometimes with tragic results.

That is what the third word picture shows us. It illustrates

all too clearly that words can burn deeply into a person’s

life, often setting the course that person’s future will take.

Listen to the awesome power a verbalized message can

have: “The tongue is a small part of the body, and yet it

boasts of great things. Behold, how great a forest is set

aflame by such a small fire! And the tongue is a fire, the

very world of iniquity . . . and sets on fire the course of our

life” (James 3:5–6 NASB, italics added).

Just like a forest fire, what we say to others can burn

deeply into their hearts. In fact, I once saw a living picture of

the darkness that can result from fiery words.

I first met Lynda on a blistering summer’s day in Arizona.

The temperature outside was over 105 degrees, and most

people wore shorts or cool cotton clothing—but not Lynda. A

tall, attractive twenty-year-old, she had on a heavy, long-

sleeved black dress. In Arizona, people avoid wearing black

during the summer because it soaks up the already

scorching heat. Yet in talking with her in counseling over

several weeks, I found out that summer or winter, day or

night, black was the only color Lynda would wear.

Lynda grew up with a cruel, abusive father who was

addicted to alcohol and horror movies. As early as age five,

Lynda was forced to stay in the family room and watch

gruesome films. Her father would laugh hysterically when

she cried in fear. As the years passed, he continued

exposing her to other aspects of the occult. He finally died

when Lynda was in high school, and the horror stopped . . .

in part.

As Lynda and I talked, I realized it wasn’t the pictures of

terror that had covered Lynda’s heart with such darkness.

They were terrible without question. But it was her father’s

words that had done the most damage to her. For of all the

hurtful things he did, what haunted her most was his

favorite nickname for her. It came right out of his horror

films: “demon daughter.” That nickname burned its way into

her heart and even affected the way she dressed on a

searing summer day.

In the Scriptures there is tremendous power in a name.

Before Moses went to Egypt to confront Pharaoh, he asked

to know God’s name. God changed Abram’s name to

Abraham, father of nations. Jesus changed Simon’s name to

Peter, a “rock.” But leave it to an angry, evil father to

change Lynda’s name to one that represented darkness and

death.

Thankfully, the ending to Lynda’s story is one of great

hope, not hurt. Through counseling and a loving church, she

came to know Christ personally and traded in her old

nickname for a new one: “child of God.” As Jesus promised

in the book of Revelation, “I will write on him [believers] the

name of My God . . . My new name” (3:12, italics added).

God’s love broke through to Lynda’s heart in a dramatic way.

Today, Lynda is married to a devoted Christian man, wears a

radiant smile, and has a wardrobe full of beautiful, pastel-

colored clothes.

Perhaps you still stumble over hurtful words your parents,

spouse, or a close friend once conveyed to you (or negative

words you have communicated to yourself), words that

come to memory time and again and point you in a direction

in life you don’t want to go. If so, don’t lose hope. As you

learn more about the blessing, you can begin to receive and

give words that can lead to a new course of life.

Each of us should be keenly aware of the power of our

words. We should also be aware of how powerful the

absence of such words can be.

LIVING THE BLESSING

Words and You

As you consider this second element of the blessing, write down

your thoughts about how you experienced this element in your

early life. What was your dominant experience of words in your

home growing up? Did you receive spoken (or written) words of

blessing? Were words often used in hurtful ways—or simply not

spoken? Was there a difference in how different adults in your

life used (or didn’t use) words? What part did spoken and written

words play in whether or not you received the blessing as a

child?

TODAY’S MOST COMMON CHOICE: “I’LL TELL

THEM TOMORROW”

In homes like Lynda’s, negative words can shatter children

emotionally rather than shape them positively. But that is

not the most common choice of parents. Most parents

genuinely love their children and want the best for them.

However, when it comes to sharing words of love and

acceptance—words of blessing—they are up against an

even more formidable foe than the temptation to

communicate negative words.

A thief is loose in many homes today who masquerades as

fulfillment, accomplishment, and success. This thief steals

the precious gift of genuine acceptance from our children

and leaves confusion and emptiness in its place. The

villain’s real name is overactivity, and it can keep parents so

busy that the blessing is never shared, even with parents

who dearly love their children, as one woman said, “Who

has the time to stop and tell them?”

In many homes today both parents are working overtime,

and a family night makes an appearance about as often as

Halley’s Comet. The result is, instead of Dad and Mom

taking the time to communicate words of blessing, a

babysitter named silence is left to mold a child’s self-

perception. Life is so hectic that, for many parents, that

“just right” time to share a verbal blessing never quite

comes around. What is the result?

A father tries to corner his son to communicate “how he

feels about him” before he goes away to college, but now

his son is too busy to listen.

A mother tries to communicate words of blessing to her

daughter in the bride’s room just before the wedding, but

the photographer has to take her away to get that perfect

shot.

Words of blessing should start in the delivery room and

continue throughout life. Yet the “lack of time” and the

thief’s motto, “I’ll have time to tell them tomorrow,” rob the

children of a needed blessing today.

“Oh, it’s not that big a deal,” you may say. “They know I

love them and that they’re special without my having to say

it.” Really? We wish that explanation worked with many of

the people we counsel. To them, their parents’ silence has

communicated something far different from love and

acceptance.

Let’s look at what commonly happens in homes where

words of blessing are withheld. What we will see is that

silence does communicate a message. Like an eloquent

speech, it, too, can set a course for a person’s life—but it’s

not the path most parents would like their children to take.

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE WITHHOLD WORDS

OF BLESSING?

Both people and relationships suffer in the absence of words

of love, encouragement, and support—words of blessing.

Take marriage, for example.

Dr. Howard Hendricks, a noted Christian educator, likes to

tell the story of a couple who had been married more than

twenty years, but whose problems had become so acute

they were now considering a divorce. Dr. Hendricks asked

the husband, “When was the last time you told your wife

you loved her?” The man glared at him, crossed his arms,

and said, “I told my wife I loved her on our wedding day,

and it stands until I revoke it!”

Take a guess what was destroying that marriage. When

words of blessing are withheld in a marriage, unmet needs

for security and acceptance act like sulfuric acid and eat

away at a relationship.

Not only marriages, but individuals—and particularly

children—suffer from the lack of a verbal blessing. Without

words of love, acceptance, and encouragement, children

often grow up traveling one of two roads that lead to

unhealthy extremes.

The Road of Overachievement

Dan grew up in a home where nothing positive was ever

said. In fact, little of anything was ever said. His parents

seemed too busy with their careers or too preoccupied with

constantly remodeling the house to do much talking. There

came, however, an exception to the general rule of verbal

indifference when Dan was just a boy.

At the end of one semester in grade school, Dan received

an excellent report card with nearly all As. For the first time

in his memory, his parents openly praised him. At last, he

felt like somebody.

Like a starving man who stumbles across a loaf of bread,

Dan thought he had learned the key to hearing words of

acceptance: overachieve. To him, it was worth the hours

spent inside studying (with the neighbor kids playing right

outside his window) just to hear a few words of affirmation

at the end of each semester.

This working to overachieve lasted right through college

and beyond, taking his motivation to “show them I’m

somebody” right into the marketplace. He quickly found a

job and became a perfect junior executive—which translated

means he was a committed workaholic, always driven to

achieve more and more, regardless of the personal or

relationship costs.

Why the intense drive and the insatiable need to achieve?

Just look back at Dan’s home, where words of blessing were

given only for spectacular achievement. Dan would never

admit it (though inside he always knew), but pulling into his

parents’ driveway in a new car said he was still somebody—

didn’t it? Getting that corner office would show them—

wouldn’t it?

Dan had fallen into the trap many men and women do

who never received the blessing. Like Moses’ fading glory,

his accomplishments could not provide his missing sense of

personal acceptance—at least not for long. Dan was forever

having to make one more deal, sell one more product,

attend one more motivational seminar. Unsaid words of love

and acceptance in his early life made him a driven man.

Dan finally did come to grips with missing out on the

blessing and learned to find a little more balance in his life.

Until then, however, his search for personal acceptance kept

him on the barren road to workaholism and

overachievement.

The Road of Withdrawal

Dan’s type of drivenness is one common response to

missing out on words of blessing. But many people head in

the opposite direction. Convinced they can do nothing to

hear words of love and acceptance, they give up and travel

down the road of apathy, depression, and withdrawal—

where a terrifying, yet beckoning, cliff awaits.

A classic example of a child who took this road is found in

a film that circulated a few decades ago. As the movie

begins, we see several children waiting for their school bus.

The sun is out on a cold January morning. Snow covers the

rural countryside like a beautiful, white blanket.

All bundled up for winter weather, a few of the children

are making snowballs and throwing them at a fence. Others

laugh and talk and stomp their feet to stay warm. All except

Cliff.

Standing by himself at the edge of the group, Cliff stares

down at the ground. In the next few moments, you almost

get the feeling that Cliff is invisible. Several other children

run right by him in excited conversation; others crowd

around him when the bus finally comes. But Cliff never looks

up, and the other children never speak to him or

acknowledge his existence.

The children rush to see who gets on the school bus first.

Glad to be in out of the cold, the children happily take their

seats—that is, all except Cliff. The last one on the bus, he

wearily mounts the steps as if climbing each one requires a

monumental effort. He stops briefly and looks up

expectantly into the faces of the other children, but no one

beckons him to join them. Heaving a sigh, he slumps into a

seat behind the driver.

There is a whoosh of compressed air from the bus’s

hydraulic system. The door slams shut. With one look

behind him to make sure everything is in order, the driver

pulls slowly away from the curb and onto the country lane.

They have traveled only a few miles when suddenly Cliff

drops his books and staggers to his feet. Standing next to

the bus driver, steadying himself on a metal pole, the boy

has a wild and distant look in his eyes. Shocked by Cliff’s

sudden ill appearance, the bus driver asks, “Are you all

right? Are you sick or something? Kid, what’s the matter?”

Cliff never answers, and half out of frustration, half out of

concern, the bus driver pulls over to the side of the road and

opens the door.

Cliff begins to walk down the steps of the bus, then

pitches forward and crumples into the snow. The opening

scene ends with the driver standing over Cliff’s prone body,

trying to figure out what has happened. As the camera pulls

away, we hear an ambulance siren begin to whine in the

distance, but somehow you know its coming will be too late.

This scene is from the hard-to-find but excellent

educational film A Cipher in the Snow, a film that is

designed for teachers but speaks to anyone concerned

about giving the blessing to others. It is based on a true

story of a young boy who actually died on the way to school

one day and the resulting confusion over the reasons.

Medical records indicated no history of problems in either

Cliff or his family. Even the autopsy shed no light on his

death. Only after an interested teacher looked into his

school and family background were the reasons for his

death discovered.

This teacher found that Cliff’s life had been systematically

erased like a blackboard. In his first few years at school, he

had done well, up until problems began at home. His

parents’ marriage had disintegrated, and a new,

preoccupied stepfather never had time or interest to fill any

of the missing gaps. Resentful of any attention his new wife

gave Cliff, the stepfather would limit their time together. His

mother loved Cliff dearly, but soon she was either too busy

or too intimidated by her new husband to give the boy any

attention at all. Like someone pushed away from a seat near

the fireplace, Cliff was now left with only the cold ache of

indifference.

As a reaction to his home life, Cliff’s schoolwork began to

suffer. Homework assignments were turned in late or not at

all. Tired of his apparent apathy, his teachers gave up on

him and left him to work alone. Cliff also began to withdraw

from the other children at school, and he lost the few friends

he once had. He would not begin a conversation, and soon

other children wouldn’t bother to try. Slowly but surely, he

retreated into a world of silence.

In only a few months, everything and everyone of value to

Cliff had either been lost or taken from him. With no place of

shelter and no words of encouragement, he felt like a cipher

—an empty zero. This sensitive child was unable to stand

the pain for long.

Cliff was not killed by an infirmity or a wound. He was

killed by the lack of spoken love and acceptance. Cliff

withstood the painful silence as long as he could. Ultimately,

however, the lack of a spoken blessing from family and

friends acted like a deadly cancer. After months of pursuing

its course, it finally ate away his will to live. He died a cipher

in the snow, believing he was totally alone and unwanted.

WORDS MATTER

Are words or their absence really that powerful? Solomon

thought so. His words are like ice water in our faces,

shocking us into reality: “Death and life are in the power of

the tongue” (Prov. 18:21).

If we struggle with communicating words of love and

acceptance to our families or friends, another proverb

should encourage us. Again, it is Solomon writing: “Do not

withhold good from those to whom it is due, when it is in the

power of your hand to do so. Do not say . . . ‘Go, and come

back, and tomorrow I will give it,’ when you have it with

you” (Prov. 3:27–28).

If we can open our mouths to talk, we have the ability to

communicate the blessing through spoken words. As we will

see, writing out words of blessing can be equally powerful,

especially when spoken words aren’t possible. In fact,

written words of blessing have their own special advantage

in that they can be composed more carefully and

deliberately and can be kept and reread.

WHY IS IT SO HARD TO EXPRESS WORDS OF

BLESSING?

The damage of withholding words of blessing should be

obvious in the examples of Lynda, Dan, and Cliff. But if

words of love and acceptance are so important, why are

they offered so infrequently? Here are a few reasons we

have gathered from people we have counseled:

• “I don’t want to inflate my child’s ego.”

• “I’m afraid if I praise them, they’ll take advantage of

me and won’t finish their work.”

• “Communication is too much like work. I work all day,

then she expects me to work all night talking to her.”

• “I just don’t know what to say.”

• “They know I love them without my having to say it.”

• “If I get started, I’ll have to make a habit of it.”

Then there’s our personal favorite:

• “Telling children their good points is like putting on

perfume. A little is okay, but put on too much, and it

stinks.”

As far as we are concerned, it’s that statement that stinks.

And none of those explanations come anywhere close to the

real reason many people hesitate to bless their children or

others with words of love and acceptance.

The real reason most people withhold this part of the

blessing is that their parents never gave it to them.

LIVING THE BLESSING

Speaking Words of Blessing

Write out your thoughts about how you currently give this

element of the blessing to important people in your life. Are you

generally comfortable in speaking words of praise and

affirmation to a child (or to anyone else)? If not, what holds you

back from doing so? Do any of the excuses or family rules listed

in this chapter sound familiar—or can you think of any more? Do

you find some people in your life easier to praise than others?

What are some strategies that could make communicating

words of blessing a little easier?

THE DANGER OF FAMILY RULES

Both praise and criticism seem to trickle down through

generations. That means if you never heard words of love

and acceptance, you can expect to struggle with sharing

them yourself. Why? It’s as if your family had a rule that

loving words were best left unsaid, and you may find it very

difficult to break this rule.

Every family operates by certain rules, spoken or

unspoken, that prescribe “the way our family does things.”

Some families have a rule that “people who know anything

about anything” open Christmas presents on Christmas

morning. Other families follow the rule that “truly civilized

people” open Christmas presents on Christmas Eve. (Cindy

just groaned when we wrote this!) Conflicting family rules

often meet in a marriage. Many an argument has gone

fifteen rounds to see whose family rule will win out in a new

marriage.

Families set all kinds of rules: what we will eat in this

family and what we won’t eat. What television programs we

can watch and which are dull or off-limits. What is safe to

talk about and what subjects should never be brought up.

Whom we invite over to the house and who doesn’t get an

invitation.

In some cases family rules can be very helpful. For

example, families can adopt biblical rules like not letting the

sun go down on anger and being kind, one to another.

Another way of setting positive family rules is by using

contracts that can help build communication and encourage

children.1 These types of family guidelines can be safely

passed down generation after generation.

But not all family rules are worth retaining. In fact, some

can devastate a family. Like words cast in steel, a

destructive family rule can hammer away at a family from

parent to son or daughter. The process will continue from

generation to generation until at last someone breaks this

painful pattern— someone like Cheryl.

When Cheryl was growing up, a simple plaque hung in the

family room. The plaque had belonged to Cheryl’s

grandfather and had become a kind of unspoken family

motto. The plaque was not impressive looking, and it carried

only two hand-painted words: Stand Up. Just two words—yet

these two words had written volumes of hurt into three

generations of Cheryl’s family.

The words had originally been part of a longer sentence, a

motto that went something like this: “Don’t take anything

off anyone. Stand up and fight.” This may have been a

helpful frontier slogan, but it did nothing but damage

personal relationships in Cheryl’s family.

Just look at Cheryl’s father, who had been infected with

the never-give-an-inch attitude of his father. “I’m sorry” or

“You’re right” were not in the vocabulary of someone who

based his life on the words stand up and fight. Also absent

were any words that were not useful in a fight—words like I

love you, Will you forgive me? and You’re important to me.

While following this never-give-an-inch family rule pushed

Cheryl’s father ahead in business, it pushed him back into a

corner with his wife and children.

Cheryl’s mother and father fought constantly, each an

expert on the other’s faults, neither willing to give an inch in

an argument. When each of Cheryl’s four brothers and

sisters grew old enough to dislike taking orders from their

father, they joined the battle too. Soon there were seven

people under the same roof following the family rule of

Stand Up and Fight and its corollary principles, Fight for My

Rights and Death Before Saying I’m Sorry. This situation

persisted until Cheryl became a Christian.

Cheryl went away to a Life camp and trusted Christ as her

Lord and Savior. The first thing she noticed when she came

back home was that plaque: Stand Up. She thought about

how Jesus had laid down his life and how tired she was of

following this family rule. Little by little and at the painful

cost of constant ridicule from her brothers and sisters,

Cheryl began to break several family rules.

Right in the middle of a fight, for instance, Cheryl would

say, “I’m sorry; you’re right. Would you forgive me?” and

end the argument. She even began saying, “Love you, Mom;

love you, Dad” and then giving her parents a hug as she left

for school.

Cheryl’s father had never gotten the blessing from his

parents, only a plaque that almost destroyed his marriage

and family. But over the next two years, he received the

blessing from Cheryl. Meaningful touch, words of high value,

the picture of a future filled with hope, and the commitment

to love him no matter the cost—all these were relationship

tools that chipped away at the existing family structure.

Family rules die hard, but they can be broken. Cheryl’s

younger sister was so taken with Cheryl’s changed life that

she also trusted Christ. Soon Cheryl’s older brother followed,

and the plaque on the wall was beginning to shake. Last

Christmas, as a baby Christian, her father took down the

plaque.

What a testimony to God’s power to break even the most

difficult family rule. And what a help to Cheryl’s family to

have a new family rule to follow. They are now free to speak

up and share words of blessing with each other—because of

one child’s courage to go to battle with a hurtful rule and

dare to speak words of blessing.

PUTTING WORDS OF BLESSING INTO PRACTICE

We put words of blessing into practice in our homes and

relationships by deciding to speak up rather than clam up.

Good intentions aside, good words are needed to bestow

the blessing on a child, spouse, or friend.

Note that we are not simply saying, “Talk more to your

children or others.” While talking is normally a good idea,

sometimes if you don’t know how to communicate in a

positive way, you can say less by saying more. As we will

see in the next chapter, it is not just any words, but words of

high value, that attach themselves to a person and

communicate the blessing. These are the kinds of words you

often hear in the final hours before a family reunion ends.

Almost all of us have had the opportunity to attend a

family reunion. A common phenomenon at these gatherings

is that during the first two days, everyone is busy talking up

a storm about this recipe, that football team, this book

they’ve read, or that movie to attend. But something

happens the last afternoon of the reunion. Suddenly, with

only an hour left before family members say their good-

byes, meaningful words will begin to be spoken.

A brother will say in private to his sister, “I know things

will work out in your marriage. I’ll be praying for you.” An

aunt will say to her niece, “You’ve always made me proud. I

know school is hard, but I also know you can do it. I believe

in you.” Or a daughter will say to a parent, “Look around

you, Mom. We didn’t turn out half bad, did we? We have you

and Dad to thank.”

So often, we seem to need the pressure of time before we

say things closest to our hearts. But when it comes to your

children, your spouse, your close friends, even with your

parents, it may be later than you think. In some

relationships, it is already late afternoon in your opportunity

to talk to those you love.

In 1986 a tragic plane crash in Japan took the lives of

more than five hundred people. The four people who

survived the crash told authorities and reporters the story of

their doomed flight. For the last thirty-four minutes, the

plane flew erratically, without a rear tail stabilizer to control

their descent, and this half hour was a time of panic and

horror for all on board. Some passengers cried in fear.

Others took the time to don life jackets. But one middle-

aged Japanese man, Hirotsugu Kawaguchi, took his last few

moments to write a note to his family. Rescuers at the

wreckage site found the note on his body, and it finally

made its way to his wife and three children.

Listen to the last words of this man, who deeply loved his

family. They picture his desire for his wife and children to

have a special future, even now that they would be

physically separated in this life.

I’m very sad, but I’m sure I won’t make it. The plane is rolling

around and descending rapidly. There was something like an

explosion that has triggered smoke. . . . Ysuyoshi [his oldest

son], I’m counting on you. You and the other children be good to

each other, and work hard. Remember to help your mother. . . .

Keiko [his wife], please take good care of yourself and the

children. To think our dinner last night was our last. I am grateful

for the truly happy life I have enjoyed. 2

Hirotsugu Kawaguchi died when the plane crashed. His

wife and children no longer have him to hold and love. But

they do have his final words to them, words that pictured his

hopes for their future, words that will echo in their lives in a

positive way in the years to come.

Ask any family who has watched a son or daughter go off

to war. We hang on to words from them. We long to get our

words of love and prayers for their safety to them. Words

carry the blessing, and in the next chapter, you can learn

about the kind of words—words of high value—that can

especially bless people.

But don’t delay. Time passes so quickly. Please don’t let

that important person leave your life without receiving the

second element of the blessing—the spoken (or written)

word.

EIGHT

The Third Element:

Attaching High Value

DIANE’S PARENTS HAD tried unsuccessfully for years to

have children. Perhaps that is one reason why their joy was

unbounded when they learned that they were expecting

their first child. Everything seemed fine during the

pregnancy and delivery . . . until they saw the doctor’s

reaction. When Diane was given to them for the first time,

they saw that her left arm had never developed below the

elbow.

There were tears in the delivery room and deep concern

as test after test was performed on Diane. As doctors and

specialists sought to determine the extent of her physical

problems, Diane’s parents wondered how to handle the

anxious questions from relatives and friends.

Two days later the doctors told Diane’s parents some

encouraging news. In all their tests, they had not detected

any other problems. With the exception of her left arm,

Diane appeared to be a normal, healthy baby girl.

After the doctors had gone, Diane’s parents bowed

together in prayer. They thanked God that their daughter

had no other serious problems. But they prayed something

else that would prove to be of tremendous benefit to their

daughter. In that hospital room, with Diane nestled in her

mother’s arms, her parents prayed that their love for her

would make up for any physical disabilities she possessed.

They decided that morning that they would encourage

Diane to become all that God would have her be, in spite of

the problems they and Diane would have to face along the

way.

Years have gone by since Diane’s parents prayed for her

in that hospital room, and their prayer has been answered in

many ways. Diane went through high school with honors

and attended a major university. Even today, something

special about Diane draws your attention away from her

empty sleeve, particularly when you listen to her play a

beautiful melody on the piano—with only one hand.

Diane has faced tremendous obstacles in her life: the

stares, giggles, and tactless questions from her peers in

grade school; the fears and uncomfortable feelings of

whether to go to a dance in junior high; the questions and

worry that perhaps she would never date in high school or

college—just to name a few. However, despite the real

struggles of being born with a handicap, Diane received a

precious and powerful gift from her parents: the security of

knowing she was highly valued and unconditionally

accepted.

“My parents didn’t try to hide from me the fact that I was

different,” Diane told us. “They have been very realistic with

me. But I always knew, and they have told me over and

over, that I am their ‘greatest claim to fame.’ Whether I was

trying out for softball or my dad was teaching me how to

drive, they have been my biggest fans. They have prayed

for me and thought the best, even when I’ve pouted and

gotten angry at God because of my handicap. Without

question, my parents deserve a lot of credit for helping me

accomplish the things I have.”

They certainly do deserve credit for deciding, in spite of a

physical loss, to value their daughter as whole and

complete. Diane’s parents are realists. They have never

sugarcoated the very real problem their daughter has faced.

But all her life, they have communicated the blessing to her

by showering her with meaningful touch and words of high

value and unconditional acceptance.

WORDS OF HIGH VALUE

What do we mean by “high value”? Let’s look at the word

value to see the part it plays in the blessing.

To value something means to attach great importance to

it. This is at the very heart of the concept of blessing. As you

saw in chapter 4, the root word for blessing carries the dual

meaning of “bow the knee” and to “add value.” In

relationship to God the word came to mean “to adore with

bended knees.”1 Bowing before someone is a graphic

picture of valuing that person.

Notice the important principle here: anytime we bless

someone, we are attaching high value to him or her. Let’s

illustrate this by an example Gary liked to share when his

children were young.

“In my life, I want God to be of utmost value to me. He is

my best friend and the source of my life. If I were to chart

this on a 1-to-10 scale, I would value the Lord at a 10, of

highest value. Right beneath my relationship with the Lord

would come my relationship with Norma, my wife. Humanly

speaking, she is my best friend, and I love and value her

right beneath my love for the Lord—maybe a 9.5. Then

come my children. I love each of them dearly, and while

neither they nor Norma are aware that I love them at

different levels, I would value them at about a 9.4, right

behind Norma. I do not love them less, but in attaching

value to them, they come right behind my relationship with

my Lord and with my wife.

“Emotionally there are times with the kids when my

feelings might drop to a 6.4 or even a 4.2—particularly if we

are camping in our mini mobile home and it has been

raining all week. But, because I want to love and value them

at a 9.4, I continually try to push their value back where it

belongs. The same thing is true with Norma. I don’t want to

hurt or devalue her in any way. That is why, if I do offend

her, I immediately decide to raise her value to just beneath

where I value the Lord.”

LIVING THE BLESSING

Were You Valued?

As you read about this element of the blessing, consider: How

important did you feel in your home when you were growing up?

In what ways did the adults in your life show—or not show— that

they valued you? Can you think of a story about a time when

you really felt special? When you felt you didn’t matter? How did

that sense of being valued or not valued affect your present life?

How does that idea of choosing to raise a person’s value—

even in challenging circumstances—apply to the blessing?

It bears repeating that when we bless someone, we are

deciding—choosing—to hold on to the fact that he or she is

of high value. That is what the psalmist is telling us in Psalm

103:1 when he says, “Bless the LORD, O my soul; and all

that is within me, bless His holy name!” When we “bless the

Lord,” we are actually recognizing God’s intrinsic worth and

attaching high value to him. We are saying that he is worthy

of our bowing the knee to him.2

In the Scriptures, we are often called on to bless or value

the Lord, but the Scriptures also give many examples of

humans blessing other humans (Deut. 33:1–2; Josh. 14:13; 2

Sam. 6:18; and others). When they did, each was attaching

high value to the person he was blessing, recognizing him or

her as a very special individual.

This is exactly what the patriarchs in the Old Testament

were doing when they extended the family blessing to their

children—attaching high value to them. We do the same

when we bless our children, spouses, or friends. This

concept of valuing another person is so important that we

believe it can be found at the heart of every healthy

relationship. Every person needs the blessing to feel truly

loved and secure about himself or herself.

WORDS OF HIGH VALUE IN OLD TESTAMENT

HOMES

In the Old Testament, shining threads of love and value run

through the fabric of the blessing. Remember Isaac’s word

picture, “Surely, the smell of my son is like the smell of a

field which the LORD has blessed” (Gen. 27:27)? But Jacob

understood exactly what his father meant by that. So can

you if you remember driving through the country when hay

or wheat has been harvested recently. Particularly with the

morning dew on the ground, or after a rain shower, the

smell of a newly cut field is as fresh and refreshing as a

mountain spring.

Isaac also pictured his son as someone whom other

people, including his own family, should greatly respect.

“Let peoples serve you,” he said, “and nations bow down to

you.”

In the United States today, no premium is placed on

physically bowing before dignitaries. About the only people

who know how to bow anymore are actors and orchestra

conductors. Most of us would have to practice for hours to

properly bow if we were going to meet a visiting king or

queen. In Isaac’s day, however, bowing was a mark of

respect and honor, something that was expected in the

presence of an important person.

We can’t miss the idea in these two pictures of praise that

Isaac thought his son was very valuable, someone who had

great worth. This message is exactly what modern-day

children need to hear from their parents. It’s what Diane

heard from her parents, the message that caused her life to

blossom and grow in spite of her physical deformity.

THE KEY TO COMMUNICATING VALUE

Telling children they are valuable can be difficult for many

parents, especially if the parents never heard such words

when they themselves were young. Besides, as we saw in a

previous chapter, that just-right time to say such important

words can get crowded out by the urgent demands of a

busy schedule.

Some children do hear the obligatory “I love you” during

holidays or at the airport, but it seems stiff and out of place.

Other children (like Dan in chapter 7) may hear an

occasional word of praise, but only if they perform well on a

task. When words of value are only linked to a child’s efforts

to obtain a blessing, the child retains a nagging uncertainty

about whether he or she ever really received it. If his or her

performance ever drops even a small amount, that child

may ask and ask again, “Am I loved for who I am or only for

what I can do?”

We need to find a better way to communicate a message

of high value and acceptance, a way to express a person’s

valuable qualities and character traits apart from his or her

performance. Hidden inside the family blessing is a key to

communicating such feelings to our children, spouses,

friends, or church families, a key that we can perfect with

only a little practice and that even gets around the walls a

defensive adult or child can set up. This key is found in the

way word pictures are used throughout the Scriptures.

THE POWER OF A PICTURE

We may not be aware of it, but we use word pictures all the

time. Let me give you one example that I remember vividly.

I was at lunch some time ago with a close friend in Dallas,

Texas. We were eating at a quaint little basement restaurant

where you walk down a steep flight of steps to reach the

front door. The hostess seated us, and from our table we

had a view of the stairs leading down to the restaurant.

While we waited for our meal, we noticed at the top of the

stairs a little girl of about two. She was holding the hand of

someone we could not completely see. In fact, all we could

see were two huge tennis shoes and a massive hand that

totally engulfed the little girl’s. As these two came down the

stairs, we were able to see more and more of this very large

man helping his little daughter down the stairs.

When they reached the foot of the stairs and the door to

the restaurant opened, in walked a football player for the

Dallas Cowboys. At six-foot-four and 265 pounds, this huge

defensive tackle took up nearly the whole doorway. As he

and his daughter walked by our table (the ground shaking

and plates rattling as he passed), my friend leaned over to

me and said, “Boy, what a moose!”

Calling this man a moose is using a word picture. Hall of

Fame tackle Randy White does not have antlers and fur, and

while he is very large as far as human beings go, he does

not outweigh even a baby moose. Yet when my friend

pictured him as a moose (out of his hearing, of course), I

instantly understood: a very large individual was walking by

our table!

Most of us do this all the time. We use word pictures to

convey an emotional feeling apart from the literal meaning

of the words. For instance, some politically incorrect men

have called attractive women “chicks” down through the

years. Obviously, they do not refer to the fact that the

women scratch around in the dirt. A junior high school girl

who tells her girlfriends that her latest boyfriend is a

“dream” at a slumber party does not mean he will

evaporate when she wakes up (even if it frequently

happens!).

Positive or negative, word pictures are a useful

communication tool because they are vivid and easy for

most people to understand. They have an emotional impact

that ordinary words may lack. That’s why word pictures are

so effective in giving a blessing.

We can see this clearly in the blessing Jacob used with

three of his sons. Each is a beautiful example of how this

communication tool can be used to attach high value to a

child.

Jacob picked a different word picture for each of his sons

to bestow the blessing on them. We read, “And this is what

their father said to them when he blessed them. He blessed

them, every one with the blessing appropriate to him” (Gen.

49:28 NASB).

Judah is a lion’s [cub] . . . and as a lion, who dares rouse him up?

(Gen. 49:9 NASB)

Judah was depicted as a lion’s cub. In the Scriptures a lion

portrayed strength, and the lion was also a symbol of

royalty in the ancient Near East.3 Judah’s leadership

qualities and strength of character were illustrated by this

picture.

Naphtali is a doe let loose, he gives beautiful words. (Gen. 49:21

NASB)

Jacob pictured Naphtali as a doe. The grace and beauty of

this gentle animal were used to show the artistic qualities

this son possessed. He was the one who spoke and wrote

beautiful words.

Joseph is a fruitful bough, a fruitful bough by a spring. (Gen.

49:22 NASB)

Joseph was described as a fruitful bough by a spring. This

word picture illustrated how Joseph’s unfailing trust in the

Lord allowed him to provide a place of refuge for his family.

Jacob’s word picture carries a similar message to one used

first of Jesus in Psalm 1:3: “And he will be like a tree firmly

planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in its

season, and its leaf does not wither; and in whatever he

does, he prospers” (NASB).

Each of Jacob’s sons was an individual, and each of them

received a blessing that depicted his value to his father in

the form of a word picture he could remember always. It’s

an example we would do well to follow when we give the

blessing. But before we rush off to call our child or spouse a

lion, doe, or fruitful bough, we need to learn a little more

about word pictures.

To do so, let’s turn to a book in the Old Testament that is

filled with them. While this book pictures a marriage

relationship, the same principles can be used in giving

children—or anyone else—the blessing. Let’s look in on how

this couple communicated words of love, acceptance, and

praise. In doing so, we will discover four keys to

communicating high value.

WORD PICTURES: FOUR KEYS TO

COMMUNICATING HIGH VALUE

In the Song of Solomon, God’s picture of an ideal courtship

and marriage, a loving couple praises each other using word

pictures more than eighty times in eight short chapters.

That’s a lot! But they had a lot they wanted to communicate

about how highly they valued each other and their

relationship.

Let’s begin our look at how they used these descriptive

words with each other by looking in on their wedding night.

Not often is someone’s wedding night written up for

posterity, but this one is worth remembering. It is a vivid

record of a loving, godly relationship.4

Seven times (the biblical number of perfection) Solomon

praises his bride, who was altogether beautiful to him. He

begins his praise of her by saying, “Behold, you are fair, my

love! Behold, you are fair! You have dove’s eyes behind your

veil” (Song 4:1).

Key #1: Use an Everyday Object

What Solomon did with this word picture (and what a wise

parent does in blessing his or her child) was to use an

everyday object to capture a character trait or physical

attribute of his beloved. In this case, he pictured her eyes as

those of a dove. The gentle, shy, and tender nature of these

creatures would be familiar to his bride. By picturing this

familiar animal, Solomon was able to communicate far more

meaning than he could by using words. (Words themselves

are often one-dimensional, but a word picture can be

multidimensional.) An added feature is that each time she

saw a dove thereafter, she would be reminded of how her

husband viewed her and valued her.

The parents of one young woman we know shared a

similar kind of familiar word picture in blessing to their

daughter. Emma was born in late December, near Christmas

Day. As she grew older, her parents would repeatedly say to

her, “Just remember, you’re God’s special Christmas gift to

us, a gift of great price because you’re so special to us.” As

an illustration of their feelings, each Christmas a small

package would appear next to the Christmas tree,

addressed from Jesus to Emma’s parents. Each year Emma

would be given the honor of opening this package, which

always contained her baby picture and a reminder that she

was her parents’ Christmas gift. Last we heard, this had

been going on for more than thirty-five years and not just at

Christmas.

Listen to Emma’s thoughts about how this word picture

has ministered to her:

“There have been many times when I haven’t felt very

special. I can remember one time in particular. It was my

thirtieth birthday, and I was struggling with growing older.

When I was at my lowest point, I received a package in the

mail from my parents. In the package was a brightly

wrapped box, and inside was my baby picture and a note

from my parents. I’ve always known I was special to them.

But I needed to know I was special that day. It wasn’t even

Christmas, but reading again that I was their special

‘Christmas gift’ and very special to them—even on my

thirtieth birthday—filled my heart with love and warmth.”

Key #2: Match the Emotional Meaning of the Trait You Are

Praising with the Object You’ve Picked

Over and over Solomon used everyday objects that

captured the emotional meaning behind the trait he wanted

to praise. These objects may not be familiar to us, but they

were familiar to his bride. Take, for example, his praise for

his beloved just a few verses later. He looks at his bride and

says, “Your neck is like the tower of David, built for an

armory, on which hang a thousand bucklers, all shields of

mighty men” (4:4).

Was Solomon trying to end his marriage before it began?

Certainly not. Let’s look at just how meaningful this analogy

would have been to an insecure, blushing bride on her

wedding night.

High above the old city of Jerusalem stood the Tower of

David. A farmer working outside the city walls could look up

from his work and see this imposing structure. What would

impress him—even more than the height of this tower—was

what hung from it.

Hanging on the tower during times of peace were the war

shields of David’s “mighty men”—King David’s greatest

warriors and the leaders of his armies. The sun shining off

their shields would be a reassuring sight for one outside the

protection of the city walls. By the same token, if that

farmer looked up and saw that the shields of the mighty

men had been taken off the tower, he would know it was

time to hightail it inside the city walls! Danger was in the

land.

Solomon’s comparing his bride’s neck to David’s tower

now begins to make a little more sense. In Old Testament

times a person’s neck stood for his or her appearance and

attitude. That is why the Lord would call a disobedient Israel

a “stiff-necked people” (Ex. 33:5). For Solomon, the peace

and security represented in David’s tower provided a

powerful illustration to express his love for his bride. He was

praising the way she carried herself—with serenity and

security.5

Let’s look at a modern-day example to reinforce what we

have discovered about this kind of word picture, something

that took place in my home.

For the first four years of her life, our daughter Kari had

our undivided attention. So it’s understandable that there

were adjustments for all of us when a precious baby named

Laura came home with Cindy from the hospital.

While there were times when Kari felt envious of all the

attention the new baby demanded, she still tried her best to

be the perfect big sister. She would run to get a diaper for

Mommy or tiptoe down the hall on those rare occasions

when the baby was napping. Or she would simply sit next to

Cindy when she was feeding the baby, stroking Laura’s little

head or holding her dainty little fingers.

Cindy noticed and appreciated our older daughter’s

efforts, and she wanted to find a creative way to

communicate high value to Kari. She looked around for an

object that would represent some of the same qualities she

saw in Kari. She found it one day while they were watching

television.

While feeding the baby that day, Cindy and Kari enjoyed a

National Geographic afternoon special about eagles in

Alaska. The breathtaking footage included a long scene

where a beautiful mother eagle helped to feed, protect, and

shelter her young. There was the picture that Cindy had

been looking for. On a trip by a local toy store, she bought a

small, inexpensive stuffed eagle and waited for a quiet time

to talk with Kari.

“Sweetheart,” she said, “do you remember watching that

television program about the eagles?”

Instantly Kari recalled many of the details and talked

about how much she liked the program.

“Well, honey, I want you to know that you remind me of

that mommy eagle. You’ve helped take such good care of

your little sister since she’s come home—even when it

hasn’t been easy—and I want you to know how proud I am

of you.”

For days Kari carried that stuffed eagle around with her,

never letting it out of her arms. It was the first thing I saw

when I got home that night and the only stuffed animal she

allowed to sleep with her at bedtime.

By using an object familiar to Kari to praise her, Cindy

wisely communicated more than a simple compliment. She

gave our daughter a living—or at least a stuffed—illustration

of one way she was so valuable to her mother.

LIVING THE BLESSING

Communicating High Value

Now is a good time to consider how effective you are in

conveying a message of high value to your children or other

important people in your life. Write out your thoughts on this.

Brainstorm three different word pictures (using the four keys

listed in this chapter) that you could use to communicate to an

important person in your life that he or she is very special to

you. If you are currently in a situation where someone you love

is feeling insecure or defensive, how could you use word pictures

to make the situation better and improve your relationship?

Key #3: Use Word Pictures That Unravel Defenses

Solomon took advantage of a third aspect of word

pictures: the ability to get around the defenses of people

who, for one reason or another, have a hard time hearing.

This quality is something that a parent, spouse, or friend

can use today. Whether we are dealing with defensive

people or those who battle with insecurity, using a word

picture can help us get around their resistance and

communicate high value to them.

Let’s look first at how a word picture can encourage an

insecure person. We can see this with Solomon’s bride

herself, known in Song of Solomon as the Shulamite woman.

Like most young women who would unexpectedly meet a

dashing young king, the Shulamite woman was insecure

about her appearance. When she first met Solomon she

said, “Do not look upon me, because I am dark, because the

sun has tanned me” (Song 1:6). But after she had been

around Solomon for only a short time, she called herself

“the rose of Sharon, and the lily of the valleys” (2:1). That is

quite a change of perspective! How did it happen?

It happened because Solomon’s word pictures made their

way around his bride’s defenses. If Solomon had simply

said, “You’re cute,” her insecurity could have thrown up a

dozen reasons why this matter-of-fact statement could not

be true: “Maybe his eyesight is bad.” “I bet he’s been

hunting for three months, and I’m the first woman he’s

seen.” “Maybe my father paid him to say that.” These same

kinds of reasons are used by insecure people today to ward

off any compliments they hear about themselves. But word

pictures have the ability to capture people’s attention in

spite of their defenses.

How do we know word pictures really got through to

Solomon’s bride in their marriage? Just look at how her

attitude changed over the course of their married life.

During their courtship, she viewed their relationship with a

certain insecurity and possessiveness. These feelings are

evident in the way she talked about their relationship: “My

beloved is mine, and I am his” (2:16, italics added).

As their story continues after the wedding—and as she

grew more secure in his love—watch the subtle but powerful

change in how she viewed their relationship. Once they

were married, she told the ladies of the court, “I am my

beloved’s, and my beloved is mine” (6:3, italics added). This

statement shows a little more security.

Then, as their story draws to a close, she even said, “I am

my beloved’s, and his desire is toward me” (7:10, italics

added). This final statement shows a lot more security than

her view of their relationship just before their wedding night.

Why? The major reason is the way word pictures of praise

and great value have brought security to an insecure

woman’s heart. Repeatedly (more than fifty times), Solomon

expressed his high value for his bride by using word

pictures, and his words gradually transformed her view of

herself and her relationship.

Most people will listen to a message more intently when it

comes packaged in a word picture. That is one reason Jesus

used word pictures to communicate both praise and

condemnation through his teachings and his parables. He

would talk about being the Good Shepherd who watched

over the flock, the Bread of Life that would provide spiritual

nourishment. By speaking in word pictures, he was able to

penetrate the walls of insecurity and mistrust these people

had put up, because stories and images hold a key to our

hearts that simple words do not.

Jesus’ extended object lessons kept his audience’s

attention even when some, like the Pharisees, did not really

hear what he was saying. That is another advantage of word

pictures. They are not just effective in getting through to an

insecure person. They can also be immensely helpful in

getting around the defenses of someone who for some

reason just does not want to listen.

Gary once counseled a young couple who had been

having heated arguments for a long period of time. Things

had become so strained between Bill and Barb that they had

even considered separating. They were angry and defensive

when they walked into the office and they sat with their

arms crossed, looking straight ahead. Their nonverbals were

saying, “You just try and say something to change my mind.

I’m walking out of this marriage.”

Bill was a rugged outdoorsman who had moved his family

outside the city limits so he would be close to the hunting

and fishing he loved. He didn’t mind the thirty-five-mile

drive to work each day as long as he could live in the

wilderness. At first, his wife had enjoyed joining him on his

backpacking trips. But now she stayed home with their two

young children, and he did all his camping alone.

Barb was a petite city girl who enjoyed socializing. With

the move out of town, she was now an hour from her closest

friend. The only socializing she did during the day was with

two toddlers. While Barb loved her children deeply, being

isolated from her friend and having a husband who hunted

or fished every spare minute was leading her to become

bitter and resentful.

After listening to Bill and Barb talk for more than an hour

about how insensitive the other person was, Gary shared

with them this word picture that opened their eyes to a

completely new way of viewing each other.

“Let me close our time together by telling you two a word

picture that came to my mind as I listened to you talk. Bill, I

could see you as a picture, hanging on a wall, of a mighty

stag with a huge rack of antlers. You are standing proudly

near a mountain stream, looking over the forest, with your

doe and newborn fawns in the background. The square

frame around the picture is heavy and made out of antique

wood.

“Barb, I see you as a painting of a delicate, beautiful

wildflower with dazzling colors and fine brushstrokes. Your

picture has a lovely oval mat, and the frame is narrow and

classy looking, with white glossy paint.

“Both of you are beautiful pictures even though you look

so different. However, you’re not seeing the beauty in the

other person’s picture. In fact, each of you keeps trying to

repaint the other picture to make it look more like your own.

This week I’d like you to put down your brushes and look for

the beauty that is already in the other person’s painting.

And let’s get back together next week and talk about it.”

What a difference a week can make. That one word

picture communicated volumes to this couple. Instead of

trying to change each other into their own image, they

actually began appreciating each other—and rediscovering

the attraction that had drawn them together in the first

place. Instead of dishonoring each other in anger, they

began to be more patient with each other and to honor the

uniqueness of the person they married. All because a word

picture managed to circumvent their defenses and speak to

their hearts.

Key #4: Use Word Pictures to Point Out a Person’s Potential

A fourth reason for using word pictures is to illustrate the

undeveloped traits of a person—qualities they may not

acknowledge or even be aware of. Jesus did this in changing

Simon’s name to Peter, which literally means “rock” in

Greek. Peter certainly didn’t act like a rock of strength and

stability when he tried to talk Jesus out of going to the cross,

when he went to sleep in the garden, or when he denied

Jesus three times. But Jesus knew Peter’s heart and

understood what he could become. After the Resurrection,

Peter did become the rock Jesus had pictured him to be.

In a modern-day instance, I saw this happen with a young

lady in my home church. This young woman’s husband had

divorced her to pursue an immoral relationship. Left with

two young children under three and no marketable skills or

workforce experience, she faced one struggle after another.

But six years after her husband left, she was back on her

feet, with a good job that allowed her to spend time with her

children and still provide for their basic financial needs.

When we asked her what had helped her most during

those early, difficult years, she said, “The Lord was certainly

the greatest source of help to us when Jack first left; but

from a human perspective, I would have to point to my

father. Every time I wanted to quit school or just give up, he

would say to me, ‘You’ll make it, Jenny. You’re my Rock of

Gibraltar. I know you’ll make it.’ I didn’t feel like a rock at

the time. My whole world seemed to be caving in. But it

helped me so much to know that he pictured me this way. It

gave me the hope that maybe I could make it.”

MULTIPLYING THE MESSAGE

To review, we have discovered four keys to using word

pictures in communicating words of high value:

1. Use an everyday object.

2. Match the emotional meaning of the trait you are

praising with the object you’ve picked.

3. Use word pictures to unravel defenses.

4. Use word pictures to point out a person’s potential.

Here’s one last example of how powerful a word picture

can be in blessing a person. It’s an example I look at every

day.

One afternoon when our daughters were young, I took

them outside to play. I was heading out of town the next day

for a seminar, so I wanted us to have some time together

before I left.

At one point, Laura (our youngest) walked up and handed

me a clothespin. The metal was rusted and the wood, water-

soaked and starting to splinter. I was looking at it when

Cindy called us in to dinner.

As I walked inside, I stopped at the door and handed Cindy

the clothespin.

“What’s this?” she said.

“It’s you,” I said.

“Meaning . . . ?” Cindy said quizzically.

“Meaning . . . just pretend this is a solid-gold clothespin.

Sweetheart, you do such a great job of holding everything

together when I have to go on a trip. You’re like a solid-gold

clothespin.”

Cindy smiled, we all trouped in to dinner, and I left on my

trip the next morning. When I came home, I learned

something dramatic had happened—to the clothespin, that

is. Cindy had painted it white, drawn a small red heart on it,

and glued a magnet to the back. Today, years later, it’s still

on our refrigerator, right where really important things go.

To everyone else, that painted clothespin may look like a

cute knickknack from a craft store or even something one of

the kids made. But to Cindy it says, “I’m a clothespin. I do a

great job of holding everything together for my family.”

A very well-known saying tells us that one picture is worth

a thousand words. When we link a word picture with a

message of high value, we multiply our message a thousand

times. That is the amazing power of the third element of the

blessing.

NINE

The Fourth Element:

Picturing a Special Future

“HOW COULD ANYONE as dumb and ugly as you have such

a good-looking child?” Mark’s mother was grinning as she

cuddled her grandson in her arms. To most observers, her

words might have been brushed aside as a bad joke, but

they brought instant tears to Mark’s eyes.

“Stop it!” Mark said emphatically. “That’s all I’ve ever

heard from you. It’s taken me years to believe I’m not ugly

and dumb. Why do you think I haven’t been home in so

long? I don’t ever want you to call me dumb again.”

Mark’s mother sat in stunned silence. Tears came to her

eyes. She really had meant her words as a joke. But for the

first time one of her children had had the courage to

confront her. For years, without realizing the impact of her

words, this mother had constantly kidded her children about

being stupid, fat, or ugly. After all, she had been kidded

unmercifully by her mother when she was growing up . . .

WHAT KIND OF FUTURE DO OUR WORDS

PICTURE?

When it comes to predictions about their future, children are

literalists—particularly when they hear predictions from

their parents, the most important people (from an earthly

perspective) in their lives. This is why communicating a

special future to a child is such an important part of giving

the family blessing. But this element of the blessing isn’t

just for children. Feeling and believing that the future is

hopeful and something to look forward to can greatly affect

anyone’s attitude on life. By picturing a special future for

our children, spouse, or friends, we are providing them with

a clear light for their paths in life.

Have you ever been camping in the woods on a dark

night? If you have, you probably remember what it’s like to

walk away from your campfire into the night. In only a few

steps, darkness can seem to swallow you up. Turning around

and walking back toward the fire is a great deal more

reassuring than groping around in the dark. But if you light a

lantern from that fire, you actually will be able to see your

way on the dark path.

Words that picture a special future act like a campfire on a

dark night. They can draw a person toward the warmth of

genuine concern and fulfilled potential. They act like the

lantern as well. Instead of leaving us to stumble into a dark

unknown, they can illuminate a pathway lined with hope

and purpose.

Children (and others) begin to take steps down the

positive pathway pictured for them when they hear words

like these: “God has given you such a sensitive heart. I

wouldn’t be surprised if you end up helping a great many

people when you get older,” or “You are such a good helper.

When you grow up and marry someday, you’re going to be

such a help to your wife (or husband) and family.”

Of course, the opposite is true as well. If children hear

only words that predict relationship problems or personal

inadequacies, they can turn and travel down the hurtful

path that has been pictured for them. This can happen if

they hear statements like “You’d better hope you can find

someone who can take care of you when you’re older. You’re

so irresponsible you’ll never be able to do anything for

yourself,” or “Why bother to study so much? You’ll just get

married and drop out of school anyway.”

Let’s look back at Mark’s family to see how this happened

in his home. Over the years, Mark’s mother had repeatedly

given her children a negative picture of their future.

“Nobody’s going to want to date a fat mess like you!” she

would say with a resounding laugh—and her daughter would

ache inside.

“You might as well drop geometry now; that’s for smart

kids,” she would remark—and her youngest son would throw

down his pencil and quit trying to understand the math

problems in front of him, hating himself for giving up.

From the mother’s conscious perspective, these were just

playful words. But they failed to acknowledge the critical

need every child has to have a special future pictured for

him or her. The way Mark’s mother talked to her children

robbed them of a crucial part of the blessing. The prospect

of facing the future as dumb, ugly, or unappealing—even if

such words were spoken in jest—eroded each child’s self-

confidence, and the fallout was devastating.

For Mark’s brother and sister, the mother’s descriptions

became self-fulfilling prophecies. The youngest son dropped

out of high school after flunking his junior year. After all, he

“never was intelligent” anyway. Mark’s older sister

neglected her appearance so much that no boys were

interested in dating her. After all, she knew she was “ugly”

anyway. Mark took just the opposite approach to the

negative future pictured for him. He became the family

overachiever. His entire lifestyle bordered on extreme

workaholism—all in an attempt to try to prove to his mother

that her predictions were wrong.

If you add up the incredible costs exacted from the

children in this family, you can see how devastating

picturing a negative future can be. You can also see why the

blessing in the Scriptures puts such a high priority on

picturing a special future for each child.

PICTURING A SPECIAL FUTURE IN

PATRIARCHAL HOMES

In the Old Testament, picturing a special future for children

was an important part of the formal family blessing. We can

see this by looking at the words Isaac spoke to Jacob.

Therefore may God give you

Of the dew of heaven,

Of the fatness of the earth,

And plenty of grain and wine.

Let peoples serve you,

And nations bow down to you.

Be master over your brethren,

And let your mother’s sons bow down to you.

Cursed be everyone who curses you,

And blessed be those who bless you! (Gen. 27:28–29)

When Isaac spoke these words, much of his son’s blessing

lay in the future. Jacob was not swamped with people

wanting to bow down to him, and he had no land or flocks of

his own that God could bless. Yet the picture gave him the

security of knowing he had something to look forward to.

One generation later, Jacob’s son Judah received a similar

picture of a special future: “Judah, you are he whom your

brothers shall praise; your hand shall be on the neck of your

enemies; your father’s children shall bow down before you”

(Gen. 49:8). Like father, like son—Jacob passed down this

part of the blessing. This blessing pictured a special future

that would take years to become reality, but offered Judah a

special hope as each year unfolded.

As we mentioned in chapter 5, these patriarchs’ words

had a prophetic nature that is not a part of the blessing

today. We as parents cannot predict our children’s futures

with biblical accuracy, but we can provide them with the

hope and direction that can lead to meaningful goals. As

they begin to live up to these goals, they gain added

security in an insecure world.

In Orthodox Jewish homes and services, the wish for a

special future for each child is constantly present. At the

synagogue, the rabbi often says to young boys, “May this

little child grow to manhood. Even as he has entered onto

the Covenant, so may he enter into the study of Torah, into

the wedding-canopy and into a life of good deeds.”1 In the

home, family blessings are also interlaced with words that

picture a special future.

I saw this aspect of the blessing clearly in a Jewish home I

was invited to visit one Thanksgiving. By the time I arrived,

almost forty people were preparing or waiting patiently for a

scrumptious dinner. Three generations—grandparents,

parents, and their children—had assembled for this special

occasion.

When the meal was prepared and before it could be

served, the patriarch of the family (the grandfather)

gathered all the family together. He had all the men and

their sons stand on one side of the living room and all the

women and their daughters stand on the other side. He then

went around the room, placing his hands on the head of

every person and speaking to them. To each man, he said,

“May God richly bless you, and may he make thee as

Ephraim and Manasseh.” And each woman received the

words, “May God richly bless you, and may you grow to be

like Rebekah and Sarah.”

From the oldest grown son to the youngest grandchild,

this time of blessing pictured a special future for each

person in the room—even me, a stranger to him. Far from

being a meaningless ritual, it provided everyone with a

warm wish for a fulfilling life in the years to come.

LIVING THE BLESSING

A Special Future . . . in Your Past

Think back over your childhood and write down some of the

words that were often shared with you regarding your future.

What did the important adults in your life predict about you?

Why do you think they said what they said (pride, jealousy,

denial, desire to hurt or bless, careful attention to your talents

and gifts)? How have past words about who you are and what

your future would be affected the way you live your life today?

Have any become a reality? What would it take to reverse or

overcome negative words that were communicated about you?

BRINGING OUT THE BEST IN THOSE WE BLESS

Picturing a special future for a child, spouse, or friend can

help bring out the best in his or her life. It gives that person

a positive direction to strive toward and surrounds him or

her with hope. We can see this very thing in our relationship

with the Lord. Listen to the beautiful way the prophet

Jeremiah assures us of the special future we have in our

relationship with him: “For I know the thoughts that I think

toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of

evil, to give you a future and a hope” (29:11).

Jesus also went to great lengths to assure his insecure

disciples that they had a special future with him. During

their last Passover meal together, Jesus made sure they

knew their future together would not end at his death. “In

My Father’s house are many mansions,” he told them, “if it

were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place

for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come

again and receive you to Myself; that where I am, there you

may be also” (John 14:2–3).

Time and time again in the Bible, God gives us a picture of

our special future with him. However, his written Word is not

the only way God communicates this message to us.

Scattered throughout nature are a number of physical

pictures of spiritual truths, pictures that illustrate the

importance of providing a special future for the ones we

love.

Anyone who has ever watched a caterpillar emerge from

its cocoon as a butterfly has seen such a picture. The

caterpillar is probably not on anyone’s list of the world’s

“ten most beautiful creatures.” Yet a caterpillar has the

potential to be transformed into a list-topping, beautiful

butterfly. What does this have to do with the blessing?

Words that picture a special future for a child, spouse, or

friend can act as agents of this kind of transformation in

that individual’s life.

Words really do have that kind of transforming power. The

apostle Paul certainly thought so.

The actual term for the transformation of a caterpillar to a

butterfly is metamorphosis, based on a Greek word. Paul

used this same Greek word in the book of Romans. He was

aware that the world had tremendous power to squeeze and

mold the saints in Rome into a godless image. To counter

this, he told these young believers, “Be transformed by the

renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that

good and acceptable and perfect will of God” (Rom. 12:2).

What does it mean to be “transformed by the renewing of

your mind”? One excellent New Testament commentator

explains the concept this way: “Since men are transformed

by the action of the mind, transformed by what they think,

how important to have the organ of thought renewed!”2 In

other words, godly thoughts and thinking patterns have the

ability to transform us into godly men or women rather than

leaving us to be squeezed into the imperfect mold of the

world. Let’s see how this works with regard to the blessing.

Children are filled with the potential to be all God intended

them to be. It is as if the Lord places them on our doorstep

one day, and we as parents are left as stewards of their

abilities. During the years we have children in our homes,

the words we speak to them can wrap around them like a

cocoon. What we say can shape and develop them in a

positive way.

In chapter 8, we saw how this picture of the future helped

a child named Diane. In spite of her physical handicap,

Diane’s parents provided emotional support and words of a

special future that lay before her. When Diane emerged

from the cocoon of her parents’ home and went out into the

world, her love for the Lord and other people shone as

brightly as the colors on a monarch butterfly’s wings.

Sadly, it does not always happen that way. In some homes

the words that wrap around developing children actually

restrict growth and positive change rather than promote it.

This restriction was true in Barry’s home.

“You’re a bum. You’ll always be a bum.” Barry’s father said

these words to him on his way to his college graduation— a

ceremony his father did not even attend. This was not the

first time, nor would it be the last, that Barry would hear

these words. In fact, they were the only comments Barry

ever received from his father about his future.

When I saw Barry in counseling, he had just lost an

important position in a major insurance company. At first

glance, this seemed hard to believe. Barry was extremely

intelligent and gifted. He was an eloquent speaker, with that

charisma that marks many successful businessmen.

However, less than a year after landing his current position,

Barry had self-destructed. All the motivation he had shown

when seeking the job seemed to evaporate once he was

hired. He became irresponsible in handling projects and

people, and within six months he was looking for work.

What was it that acted like an anchor in holding Barry

back from reaching his God-given potential? Three words:

“You’re a bum.” Repeated over and over in Barry’s presence

and in his mind—even eight years after his father’s death—

they had wrapped themselves around him like a restricting

cocoon, and he emerged an insecure, irresponsible,

defeated, and self-defeating man.

A law of physics says that water cannot rise above its

source. A similar principle could be applied to Barry and

many people like him. If a parent pictures for a child that his

or her value in life is low, that child will find it difficult to rise

above these words. One insightful study of fathers and their

daughters revealed a direct relationship between the life

achievements of the women studied and the level of their

father’s acceptance of them.3 Our experience as counselors

indicate the same is true for boys. Those who truly desire to

give their children the blessing will provide room for them to

grow by encouraging their potential and by picturing a

special future for them.

Let’s look at another important picture in nature that

mirrors what happens when we bless our children with

words of a special future. This picture, explained to me by

my twin brother, Jeff, a cancer doctor, is found in something

that happens in every cell in our bodies.4

Imagine a typical cell in your body by thinking of a circle.

Attached to the outside of this circle are a number of

receptor points. We could picture these receptor points as

little squares that almost look like gears on a wheel. To

make things easier for us to understand, let’s picture these

receptor sites as little square people.

Floating around near the cell are hormones and enzymes.

Think of them as Harry Hormone and Ethyl Enzyme, who

would each love to shake hands with (or activate) these

little receptor people. And while a great number of these

hormones and enzymes have the ability to connect with a

receptor site, some have a special ability to stimulate a

cell’s activity and cause it to work harder.

We can picture this special ability as someone coming up

to you and shaking your hand up and down so vigorously

that your whole body shakes and you feel energized. In fact,

your neighbors start shaking and feel energized too. Such

stimulation by hormones and enzymes, which causes the

receptor sites to work harder, is called positive

cooperativity.

But other hormones and enzymes act in a negative way

when they shake hands with a receptor site. This is negative

cooperativity. Have you ever had your hand squeezed so

hard that you almost crumpled over in pain? That’s the kind

of thing that happens when these hormones and enzymes

grab hold of a receptor site. In fact, not only does this one

receptor site shut down and stop working because its

“hand” is being squeezed, but all the receptor sites around

it stop too.

And this applies to the blessing . . . how?

Words that picture a special future for a child act like

positive hormones that attach themselves to a cell. They

stimulate all kinds of positive feelings and decisions within a

child that can help him or her grow and develop. Words of a

special future can inspire a child to work on a particular

talent, have the confidence to try out for a school office, or

even share his or her faith with other children.

But just like the negative hormones that shut down cell

activity, a critical, negative picture of the future can crush or

pinch off healthy growth in a child. Emotional, physical, and

even spiritual growth in a child can be stunted because of

the stifling effect of a negative picture of the future.

THE POWER OF PAST CONSISTENCY

By now you know how important it is to provide our children

with words that point out a special future for them. But

words alone may not be enough to get this message across

to those we want to bless. Unless our words of a special

future are backed up by a consistent track record, the

person we are trying to bless may be unwilling or unable to

believe what we say.

If we are serious about offering a message of a special

future to our children, we need to follow the example the

Lord sets. His consistency in the past acts as a solid footing

on which words of a special future can stand.

Throughout the Scriptures the basis for believing God’s

Word in the future lies in his consistency in fulfilling his Word

in the past. In Psalm 105:5 we read, “Remember His

marvelous works which he has done, His wonders, and the

judgments of His mouth.” And in Psalm 33:9 the psalmist

wrote, “He spoke, and it was done; He commanded, and it

stood fast.”

Because God has been reliable in the past, his words of a

special future for us in the present have credence. The same

principle applies to our desire to picture a special future for

those we wish to bless. Our credibility in the past—or lack of

it—will directly affect how our words are received in the

present. Just as it did for Ted.

Ted was a sales manager for a national marketing chain.

His job responsibilities meant that he was in town one week

and out the next. In an average year (adding in an

occasional back-to-back trip and sales conferences and

subtracting major holidays), Ted was gone thirty-one weeks

a year. His schedule ate away at the credibility of his

statements that his children had a special future.

Ted had two young children at home, and they loved their

daddy dearly. All week they would besiege their mother with

the question, “Is Daddy coming home today?” When Daddy

finally did come home, however, he was so tired from jet lag

and his demanding schedule that he had little energy to

spend meaningful time with the children.

Ted did a good job of “picturing” a special future for his

children. The only problem was that he never followed

through on his word. For instance, he would notice his

daughter’s deep love for animals and tell her, “Samantha,

we’re going to get a horse for you so you can ride it and

take care of it. You might even become a veterinarian

someday.” To his son, who was very athletic for his age, he

would say, “Bobby, you’re pro shortstop material. Just give

me a little time to rest up; then we’ll go down to the park,

and I’ll hit you some grounders.” But in just a few days it

would be time for Ted to go back on the road. And somehow

there was never enough time to settle all the details of

buying a horse for Sam, never a free afternoon to hit

grounders to Bobby.

After nine years of being on the road, Ted finally realized

that he needed to greatly reduce his traveling schedule if he

was ever going to build a secure marriage and family life.

He even took a cut in pay to take a position that would

enable him to stay at home. One of the first things he did

was to surprise his daughter with a new horse—only now,

Samantha wasn’t interested in horses anymore. Neither was

Bobby interested in going with his father to a pro baseball

game. His children had listened to the empty promise of a

special future for them for so long that Ted’s words carried

as much weight as the air used to speak them. They had

their friends, their relationship with their mother, a new set

of interests, and a deep-set impression that any future they

had would not include their father’s involvement.

This story has a happy ending, however. Ted truly loved

his wife and children, and he persevered in trying to regain

the lost ground with his family. As the weeks turned into

months, Ted began to build up a track record of honored

commitments. It took nearly two years, but he finally built

up a past with his children that assured them he really did

want the best for their futures. Interestingly, Samantha even

began to rekindle an interest in animals, and Bobby dug his

baseball glove out of the bottom of the closet.

Perhaps your past has been anything but consistent with

those you want to bless. Today really is the first day of the

rest of your life. And by honoring commitments to your

children today, you can begin to build the kind of history

that words of a special future need to rest on. Remember,

there is no such thing as “quality time” that makes up for

inconsistency in our relationships. We need to have a track

record of daily decisions that demonstrate our commitment

to our children, our spouses, or anyone we would bless. Only

then will our words of a special future really find their mark.

THE POWER OF PRESENT COMMITMENT

As we have mentioned, if our words of a special future are

to take hold and grow, we need to demonstrate

commitment in the present. This idea of commitment is so

important that we will spend the next chapter examining it

in depth. However, one aspect of a present commitment

applies directly to picturing a special future. The

effectiveness of our predictions depends on the degree of

certainty our children have that we will be around long

enough to see those predictions come to pass.

Gary’s oldest child, Kari (now a mother herself), brought

up this subject at the dinner table when she was in grade

school.

“We were all sitting around the table, enjoying a meal my

wife, Norma, had prepared. We were all talking about our

day and having a nice conversation when, out of the blue,

Kari turned to her mother and said, ‘Mom, do you think

you’ll ever divorce Dad?’ Everyone got quiet the moment

she asked the question, and Norma nearly choked on her

dinner. ‘Kari!’ she said in shock. ‘You know that I would

never divorce your dad.’ Then stopping to think about it a

little more, Norma added with a twinkle in her eye, ‘Murder,

maybe, but never divorce!’ After we stopped laughing, we

found out why Kari had asked her question. We were only

two months into the school year, and already the parents of

two of her classmates had gotten a divorce.”

What Gary’s daughter was asking that night was the same

thing every child asks about his or her parents—whether out

loud or in the silence of his or her heart: “Will you be here in

the future as I grow up, or will one of you leave me?”

Recently I counseled a husband and wife who were

constantly fighting. I had asked the entire family to come in

to try to get a better picture of what was happening with the

couple. That meant that I had an eleven-year-old boy and a

six-year-old girl join us for our counseling session. I began

the session by addressing the six-year-old young lady.

(Children are soooooo honest, even when their parents

hesitate to be too specific.)

“What bothers you the most about your parents’

arguing?” I asked. Her answer surprised me. What was

causing her the greatest pain and insecurity wasn’t their

loud voices or even what they said. It was this: “Every time

my daddy gets mad at my mom, he takes off his wedding

ring and throws it away.”

Children are incredibly perceptive, and this little girl was

no exception. While her father said it was “no big deal,” his

habit of pulling his wedding ring off his finger and throwing

it somewhere in the house sent out a message loud and

clear. Every time he “threw away” his wedding ring, this

little girl saw her future with her parents (the greatest

source of security a child has) go sailing right along with it.

Words of a special future for a child can dissolve into

ashes when a husband or wife walks out on a relationship. In

a later chapter, we will see just how difficult it is for some

children who have lost a parent due to divorce or death to

feel blessed (and also how a single parent can help correct

this). For those of you who are married, an important part of

picturing a special future for your children is keeping your

present commitment to your spouse strong and intact.

LIVING THE BLESSING

A Special Future for Someone You Love

Think about a person you love and want to bless—such as your

child. List some of the qualities you see in that person that, if

developed, could cause him or her to blossom in the future. How

can you most effectively (using word pictures) express that

possibility as part of your blessing? What have you done or said

so far to help that person envision a special future? In what ways

do you undermine your own words by failing to follow through or

show commitment? Are there people in your life for which you

have a hard time envisioning a special future? If so, why do you

think that is—and how can you move past it?

A GUIDING LIGHT TO FOLLOW

Thankfully, many people realize the importance of providing

their children, spouses, or friends with a picture of a special

future. These people use words of blessing to help mold,

shape, and guide a person to move into the rich future God

has in store for him or her. Even when that person is

someone like Marcia.

Marcia struggled throughout her years in school. If it took

her classmates a half hour to do an assignment, you can bet

Marcia would only be halfway through the same project an

hour later. Her parents even received the disturbing news

from her teacher that Marcia was being placed in the “slow

learners” group. But this news did not discourage Marcia’s

parents from picturing a special future for her. While they

knew she was struggling in school, they also knew their

daughter had many positive characteristics.

Rather than pushing Marcia to “hurry up” or work faster,

her parents would praise her for being methodical and for

staying with an assignment until she finished it. They also

noticed that Marcia had an obvious gift for verbally

encouraging her younger sisters and the neighbor children

and for explaining things to them in a way they could

understand. They began to encourage her to use these

talents by letting her help them teach the young children in

Sunday school and use her gifts in serving these little ones.

After Sunday school one morning Marcia announced to her

parents that she wanted to be a teacher when she grew up.

Her comments could have been met with a chuckle, a

“What’ll you want to be next week?” or even the pious

words, “Now, Marcia, let’s be realistic.” (The quarter’s

grades had just come out, and Marcia was still at the bottom

of her class.)

However, Marcia’s parents looked beyond her sagging test

scores and recognized her God-given talents. Instead of

laughing at her, they pointed out these gifts and

encouraged her. They said that if she was willing to stay

with it, one day she would become a teacher—a future that

few “slow learners” would ever dream of picturing for

themselves or hear pictured for them by their parents.

Marcia continued to struggle through every year of school.

Her parents had to pay for tutors in grade school and special

reading classes in high school. When Marcia decided to go

to college, it took her six and a half years to graduate from

a four-year program because she could not handle taking a

full load of classes. Nonetheless, on a beautiful Saturday

afternoon in May, Marcia graduated from college with an

elementary education teaching degree.

While graduation day meant that many of her classmates

were just beginning to look for a job, Marcia already had

one. She had done such a magnificent job of student

teaching at an elementary school in a fine school district

that the principal had asked her to return the next year and

take over a first grade teaching position.

Actually, three people deserved to be honored that

graduation day. Marcia certainly deserved a great deal of

credit for plodding forward day by day to reach her goal of

being an elementary school teacher. Yet her parents also

deserved high praise for encouraging her to reach her

dream. Even more, they deserved acclaim for encouraging

their daughter’s dream by picturing a special future for her

—even when years’ worth of school report cards had

branded Marcia a “slow learner.”

Are you providing your children, spouse, or intimate

friends with a blessing that pictures a special future for

them? Did your parents take the time and effort to provide

you with the hope of a bright tomorrow as you grew up?

Wherever the blessing is given or received, words that

picture a special future are always shared—words that

represent the fourth element of the blessing.

TEN

The Fifth Element:

An Active Commitment

MOST CHILDREN HAVE at least one subject in school that

they particularly dread. Whether it is history, English, or

geography, that course represents the worst hour of the

school day. For Gary, that subject was geometry. Yet it was a

geometry class in high school that taught him the incredible

power of an active commitment—the fifth element of the

blessing.

“Mathematics was always the subject I dreaded the most.

In grade school it was my poorest subject, and that

continued to be true during my first two years of high

school. In fact, when I had to repeat geometry my senior

year, I was sure after only a month that I was going to flunk

the course. My only solace was the fact that more than half

the class was flunking with me. Our teacher would

constantly remind us of this fact by arranging our chairs

according to our current grade. Those of us who were failing

lined the back wall.

“One Monday morning, when we dragged ourselves into

the classroom, all that changed. Sitting behind the teacher’s

desk was a substitute teacher—good news in itself. Then,

when we found out that our regular teacher had been

reassigned to a different district, we felt like the people in

Paris during World War II who had just been liberated! But

the fact remained that half of us were still failing the course.

And I was still discouraged because I believed I was below

average when it came to mathematics.

“Then the new teacher said something that literally

changed my life. In fact, it motivated me so much that I

ended up minoring in mathematics in college. While I didn’t

realize it at the time, he actually blessed me and the other

students in the class. He did this by providing us with a clear

picture of an active commitment—the fifth element of the

blessing.

“Standing before the class that morning, our new teacher

told us, ‘If anyone fails this class, then I have failed.’ He

made a commitment that morning to do whatever it took to

see that we all passed the course. He pledged himself to

see that we learned and enjoyed the subject to the best of

our abilities. Whether that meant his staying after school to

tutor us or even coming in for a special session on the

weekend, he dedicated himself to see that each of us made

it through the course. Nearly every Saturday morning he

would help several of us with our homework, then play a

little volleyball with us for fun.

“Imagine the turnaround that took place in that class.

Where once we had dreaded geometry, now it became

something we looked forward to. Even better was what

happened the last day of school, when our teacher posted

our grades. We all passed, and I received my first A in math!

“You should have seen it. We were all jumping around and

hugging each other. All because one man committed himself

to a struggling bunch of students.”

In the school of life, children desperately need adults—

preferably parents—who will make the same type of active

commitment that teacher did to Gary. In the areas where

they are weak, they need to be encouraged and built up.

They need to be appropriately touched or hugged and

verbally praised for their strengths. When they are hurting,

they need to feel someone’s arms around them, giving them

assurance and helping them back on their feet.

Undeveloped potential needs to be brought out into the

open and developed. These actions and attitudes are a part

of bestowing the blessing. And all of them need to be given

not just once, but again and again. Which brings us to the

fifth element of the blessing.

MAKING THE BLESSING HAPPEN

In the past several chapters we have looked at the first four

elements of the blessing:

• Meaningful touch

• A spoken (or written) message

• Attaching high value

• Picturing a special future

These four elements are the building blocks of the

blessing. But the mortar that holds them together is an

active commitment, the fifth element of the blessing.

Why is an active commitment such an important part of

the blessing? As we have seen in earlier chapters, words of

blessing alone are not enough. They need to be backed by

an ongoing dedication to see the blessing come to pass.

This principle is what the apostle James wants us to

understand in his letter. There we read, “If a brother or

sister is naked and destitute of daily food, and one of you

says to them, ‘Depart in peace, be warmed and filled,’ but

you do not give them the things which are needed for the

body, what does it profit?” (James 2:15–16).

To answer the apostle’s question, words without

commitment are about as useful as a crooked politician’s

promises on the eve of Election Day. Giving the blessing

involves action, linked to our words. If we talk the talk but

then fail to put the elements of the blessing into practice,

we leave our children, spouse, and friends undernourished

and ill-clothed in their need for love and acceptance.

LIVING THE BLESSING

An Active Commitment and You

How dependable were the adults in your life when you were a

child? Did any events (a death in the family, a divorce, a job

issue) cause a parent or guardian to be very busy, distracted, or

absent at certain times? Write down what you can remember

about those times and how they affected you. Did you feel that

the adults in your life had your best interests at heart? Did

anyone make an effort to understand what was going on with

you? Looking back, do you think you were disciplined

appropriately? How has the style of discipline you experienced

as a child affected the way you think and act today?

The blessing as found in Scripture offers a strong contrast

to speaking empty words to our loved ones. It features

several important steps we can take to demonstrate an

active commitment to those we want to bless.

Step #1: Ask the Lord to Confirm the Blessing

When you look at the blessing in the Old Testament,

something that stands out is the way the patriarchs

committed their children to the Lord. When Isaac blessed

Jacob, we read, “May God give you of the dew of heaven, of

the fatness of the earth” (Gen. 27:28, italics added). Years

later, when Jacob blessed his sons and grandchildren, he

began by saying, “The God who has been my shepherd all

my life to this day . . . bless the lads” (Gen. 48:15–16 NASB,

italics added).

One reason these patriarchs called on God to confirm their

child’s blessing was because they were sure of his

commitment to them. We can see this clearly with Isaac and

Jacob.

In Genesis 26, Isaac was facing real problems. Living in

the desert, he knew that his most precious assets were the

wells he dug for fresh water. Twice Isaac had been driven

from wells his father had dug. He was then forced to dig a

third well to provide water for his flocks and his family. That

night, as if to assure Isaac of his future in this land, “the

LORD appeared to him . . . and said, ‘I am the God of your

father Abraham; do not fear, for I am with you. I will bless

you and multiply your descendants’” (Gen. 26:24, italics

added).

Isaac had been driven away from two wells that rightfully

belonged to him. Hearing his heavenly Father declare his

ongoing commitment to Isaac’s family must have been like

drinking cool, refreshing water on a hot summer’s day.

God echoed those words of commitment to Jacob at a

difficult time in his own life. Fleeing his brother Esau’s

anger, Jacob stopped one night to sleep out in the desert. It

was there that God spoke to him and said, “I am the LORD

God of Abraham your father and the God of Isaac. . . .

Behold, I am with you and will keep you wherever you go,

and will bring you back to this land; for I will not leave you

until I have done what I have spoken to you” (Gen. 28:13,

15).

Isaac and Jacob were sure of their relationships with God.

A natural extension of that certainty was to ask the Lord to

bless their children through them. This is something we

frequently see in churches today.

This past Sunday, in churches all across the country,

pastors closed their services with the words “May the Lord

bless you, and keep you.” By linking God’s name to the

blessing they spoke, these pastors were asking God himself

to be the one to confirm it with his power and might—the

very thing Isaac and Jacob did with their children.

We see the same idea in the dedication of children at a

church. Often the pastor will lay his hands on children and

say similar words of blessing, picturing the desire the

parents and the entire congregation have in asking God to

bless these little ones.

Wise parents will follow this practice in bestowing the

blessing on their children. When they say, “May the Lord

bless you,” they are first recognizing and acknowledging

that any strength they have to bestow the blessing comes

from an all-powerful God. Even the very breath of life they

have to speak words of blessing comes from him.

We are all prone to be inconsistent, and we stumble

occasionally in providing the elements of the blessing for

our children. In contrast, God remains changeless in his

ability to give us strength to love our spouses and children

the way we should.

A second important reason to commit our children to the

Lord when we bless them is that doing so teaches them that

God is personally concerned with their lives and welfare.

Stressing that the Lord is interested in their being blessed is

like introducing them to someone who can be their best

friend, a personal encourager they can draw close to

throughout their lives.

Bringing the Lord into our words of blessing provides a

sense of security for a child that we as frail humans cannot

convey. We saw this in the way the children in one family

reacted after the unexpected death of their father.

Lindsay and Kelly were still in grade school when their

father died of a massive heart attack at the age of forty-one.

These children no longer had his arms to comfort them or

his encouraging words to bless them. But they did have a

certain knowledge that Papa was with the Lord and that

Jesus would confirm their blessing. Why such certainty?

Because a wise father and mother had reassured them of

this fact over and over. Listen to the words of his widow,

Lisa, who also drew comfort from her husband’s words.

“Before Ray died, he used to gather us all together right

before dinner. We would all get in a little circle, holding each

other’s hands. Then Papa would pray and thank the Lord for

our day and for the food. He would end each prayer by

squeezing my hand and saying, ‘Lord Jesus, thank you that

you are Lindsay’s, and Kelly’s, and Lisa’s, and my Shepherd.

Thank you that you will never leave us or forsake us. Amen.’

It’s been rough this past year without Ray, but it has helped

so much to be able to remind the children that Jesus is still

their Shepherd as well as their father’s.”

Children need the certainty and security that comes from

our committing them and their blessing to the Lord. That

does not mean that we do not participate in the blessing.

Rather, it means that we recognize and acknowledge that

only by God’s strength and might will we ever be able to

sustain our commitment to truly bless our children.

Step #2: Seek the Best Interests of the One Being Blessed

How do we begin committing ourselves to our children’s

best interests? First, as we have noted throughout the book,

we must dedicate our time, energy, and resources to caring

for them and spending time with them. However, Jacob

observed another important principle in blessing his

children. He recognized that every one of his children was

unique.

In Genesis 48 and 49, Jacob (now called Israel)

pronounced a blessing for each of his twelve sons and two

of his grandchildren. After he had finished blessing each

child, we read, “This is what their father [Jacob] said to them

when he blessed them. He blessed them, every one with the

blessing appropriate to him” (Gen. 49:28 NASB, italics

added).

In Hebrew, the end of this very verse reads, “He blessed

them, every one with his own blessing.” While the elements

of the blessing might remain the same, how they are

applied in blessing a child is an individual concern. One

daughter might need a dozen hugs and kisses at night

before going to bed while her sister does well with two. One

son might feel secure with hearing encouraging words only

once while his brother may need to hear “You can do it”

over and over again in approaching the same activity. Wise

parents will realize that each child has his or her own unique

set of needs. The book of Proverbs shows us this.

Most of us are familiar with the verse, “Train up a child in

the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart

from it” (Prov. 22:6). However, another helpful way to view

this verse would be to translate it, “Train up a child

according to his bent . . .”1 In training (or blessing) a child,

we need to take a personal interest in each child. The better

we know our children and their unique set of needs, the

better we will be able to give them their own unique

blessing.

Please pay close attention to this next statement: physical

proximity does not equal personal knowledge. We can spend

years under the same roof with our spouses and children

and still be intimate strangers. Many people feel as though

they know another person’s interests and opinions because

they took an active interest in their lives in the past.

However, people’s thoughts, dreams, and desires can

change over the years. Doctors tell us that every cell in our

body wears out and is replaced by new cells within a few

years. We are constantly changing both physically and

emotionally.

In our homes we can be people who are close in terms of

proximity to each other but far away in terms of

understanding the other person’s real desires, needs, goals,

hopes, and fears. However, we can combat this distance by

taking the time to observe and understand the unique

aspects of those we wish to bless.

Blessing our children involves understanding their unique

bents. In addition, it means being willing to do what is best

for those children, even if it means having to correct them

when they are wrong.

Step #3: Discipline When Appropriate

Discipline may seem the very opposite of blessing another

person. But in actuality we bless our children by providing

them with the appropriate discipline. We see this when we

look back at the individual blessings Jacob gave to each of

his children.

Genesis 49 records a blessing for each son. We are told

this very clearly in verse 28: “He [Jacob] blessed them,

every one with the blessing appropriate to him” (NASB).

However, at first glance the blessing that Reuben, the oldest

son, received looks more like a curse than a blessing.

However, Jacob dealt with each son individually, and in

Reuben’s case his blessing included discipline as well as

praise:

Reuben, you are my firstborn,

My might and the beginning of my strength,

The excellency of dignity and the excellency of power.

Unstable as water, you shall not excel,

Because you went up to your father’s bed;

Then you defiled it. (Gen. 49:3–4)

If we look closely at these verses, Jacob balances words of

praise with words of correction. Reuben had several positive

qualities his father praised (his might, strength, dignity, and

power). However, he also had a glaring lack of discipline in

his life. His unbridled passions had led him to the bed of one

of his father’s concubines. As a result he now was being

disciplined for his actions.

It should not surprise us that blessing and discipline go

hand in hand. If we genuinely love someone, we will not

allow that person to stray into sin or be hurt in some way

without trying to correct him or her. This lesson is explained

by the writer of Hebrews when he says, “MY SON, DO NOT

REGARD LIGHTLY THE DISCIPLINE OF THE LORD . . . FOR

THOSE WHOM THE LORD LOVES H E DISCIPLINES” (12:5– 6

NASB).

God actively deals with our wrong behavior rather than

merely ignoring it because he sees us as his beloved

children. Parents are naturally more concerned about the

behavior of their own offspring than they are about other

people’s children. Like a loving parent with a highly valued

child, God does care about our behavior.

Our sons’ and daughters’ actions should also concern us if

we are going to be a person who truly blesses them. We

should not shy away from including loving discipline when it

is appropriate and in their best interests.2

Initially, discipline can seem painful for both parents and

children. Yet being willing to take that risk can help bring out

the best in the children’s lives by training them and guiding

them to a place of peace and righteousness (Heb. 12:11).

Discipline is an important way of actively committing

ourselves to a child’s best interest.

We have looked at three ways in which we can

demonstrate an active commitment in blessing others: we

can commit them to the Lord, we can seek their best

interests, and we can apply appropriate discipline. A fourth

way to show an active commitment is something I have

seen modeled before me all my life.

Step #4: Becoming a Student of Those You Wish to Bless

Have you ever lost a loved one and then had to go in and

pack up that person’s personal possessions for an estate

sale or to donate? For years my precious mother had her

nest in a modest condominium in Phoenix, Arizona. It was a

small place, easy for her to get around in after seven major

operations due to rheumatoid arthritis slowing her down a

bit. Yet it always seemed warm and welcoming, just like she

was. All her life, my mother was busy, engaged in helping

others, loving beyond words. She was lots of fun to be with

and, as she grew older, to visit.

If you had dropped in to Mom’s little condo during her last

years, you would have seen something in her home that

pictured what it means to be a student of your children. It

probably wouldn’t have caught your eye right off, though

whenever I walked into my mother’s home, it flashed at me

like a neon light. It was also the thing that was the hardest

for me to pack up after she passed away.

It was just a nondescript bookshelf. But it carried extra-

special meaning for my two brothers and me.

One rack of the bookshelf was always filled with theology

and psychology books. A second shelf overflowed with

medical journals and books on genetics. The third shelf

seemed even more out of place for a seventy-six-year-old

arthritic woman. Lining this shelf were dozens of issues of

Heavy Equipment Digest and how-to books on driving heavy

equipment.

These seemingly unrelated books and magazines might

lead a person to think this woman was an eccentric who

would read anything or perhaps even had a touch of

schizophrenia that caused her to jump from one topic to the

next. Neither of these explanations would be close to the

truth. This collection was actually a beautiful picture of the

active commitment our mother made in choosing to give

her sons the blessing.

Over the years my mother collected not only the books I

had written but also the books on counseling and theology I

had recommended to her. They were in her bookcase

because she had taken an interest in my interests.

My twin brother, Jeff, is a cancer doctor who specializes in

genetic research. To be able to understand his field of

interest and converse with him about it, she read (or tried to

read) loads of his medical and genetics articles and books.

She even enrolled in a genetics class at the University of

Arizona at the age of sixty so she could talk to Jeff about

what was important to him. To be truthful, she ended up

dropping the course after failing the first two major exams.

However, sitting proudly on the shelf with the other highly

technical books is the slightly worn textbook she struggled

to understand. Each book is a trophy of her willingness to

learn and her desire to communicate with my brother in his

areas of interest.

But what about the magazines and books on operating

road-construction equipment? My older brother, Joe, for

years has been a heavy-equipment operator. Because my

mother was committed to affirming and being a student of

each son, she made a point of learning about his interests

too. When she passed away at age seventy-six, she was a

current subscriber to Heavy Equipment Digest and able to

talk to Joe about the latest bulldozer or earth mover.

I doubt if Heavy Equipment Digest magazine receives

many subscriptions from gray-haired, arthritic

grandmothers, but they did from this one. All because she

made a commitment to becoming a student of each son and

his individual interests.

FIRST STEPS TOWARD BECOMING A STUDENT

OF YOUR CHILDREN

One thing that can greatly help us learn to become students

of our children is to be lovingly persistent in communicating

with them. Particularly if we have struggled in our

relationships with our children or we haven’t been close to

them in the past, getting them to open up with us can take

loving persistence. That doesn’t mean badgering them or

trying to pry the words out of their mouths. But it does

mean consistently setting up times with them when

meaningful communication can develop.

Second, realize that any shared activity with a child—

from driving them to school or athletic practice to an

airplane trip before they put on their headphones—offers

tremendous opportunities to learn about our children.

And taking the initiative in asking questions can be a third

important way to become students of our children. The Ask

Your Children sidebar suggests just a few possible questions

you can ask in those unguarded times at the hamburger

place, at the ball game, or while taking a walk. Don’t grill

your child with questions as if you were giving a test. Just

ask some casual questions in an offhanded way, and then

really listen to the answers.

LIVING THE BLESSING

Ask Your Children

1. What do you daydream about most often?

2. What would you really enjoy doing when you are a young adult

(twenty to thirty)?

3. Of all the people you have studied in the Bible, who would you

most like to be like? Why?

4. What do you believe God wants you to do for humankind?

5. What type of boyfriend or girlfriend are you most attracted to,

and why?

6. What is the best part of your school day? What is the worst?

Listening with full attention—that is the fourth practical

way to get started in becoming a student of those we wish

to bless. We actually bless our children by being emotionally

present when they talk to us rather than being preoccupied

with something else.

Have you ever carried on an entire conversation with a

child while absorbed in a television show or reading

Facebook posts? “Uh-huh” or “That sounds good, honey”

uttered with our eyes glued to a screen does not

communicate acceptance to our children, nor does it help us

become a student of what they want to share.

One way to remind ourselves to actively listen to our

children, spouses, or others is found in the book of Proverbs:

“Bright eyes gladden the heart” (15:30 NASB).

My mother was so good at this, saying, “John, look at me,”

when she spoke to me about something important. Most of

us have had the experience of walking into a room and

seeing somebody’s eyes “light up” when he or she saw us.

That sparkle in another person’s eyes communicates to us

that the person is really interested in us and in what we

have to say.

I once read of an interesting research study based on this

very verse. A number of college men were given ten

pictures of college-aged women who were more or less

equally attractive. Each student was then asked to rate the

pictures from “most attractive” to “least attractive.”

What these young men did not know was that five of the

women had been given an eye-drop solution just before

their pictures were taken. This solution dilated the pupils in

their eyes—the same thing that happens naturally when we

are really glad to see someone. The results of the study

were just as we might expect. The girls with the “bright

eyes” were chosen hands down as the five most attractive

women in the pictures.

Do our eyes light up when we listen to those we wish to

bless? Our children or spouses will notice if they do or don’t.

We can decide to put down the iPhone or turn off the

television to talk to our loved ones as we take an active

interest in their interests. Active listening is an important

part of communicating acceptance and blessing.

Those of us who are parents need to realize that our

children are incredibly complicated people. So are our wives

or husbands and friends. If we would begin today to list all

their wishes, opinions, goals, and dreams, it would take us a

lifetime to complete the task. That is just the right amount

of time needed to finish the course entitled “Becoming a

Student of Your Loved Ones,” a class men and women will

enroll in if they are serious about bestowing an appropriate

blessing to each person in their lives. All it takes to register

is a decision to actively commit ourselves to others—and a

pair of “bright eyes.”

If you are serious about commitment and accountability, go

to TheBlessing.com and look for the link to a book called

HeartShift: The Two-Degree Difference. You will be introduced

to how powerful small changes—what I call “two-degree

changes”—can be in helping you stay connected and

committed to your children and spouse. TheBlessing.com even

offers automated goal metrics—fancy words for a way to set and

track your goals for blessing your family.

A KEY TO CONTINUED COMMITMENT

Many of us have shelves of notebooks from various

marriage or parenting seminars and pages of notes from the

pastor’s sermons. Typically, we will get excited about a

certain principle we have read or listened to. It may even

make a dramatic difference in our lives—for a little while.

However, let a few weeks go by, and that book usually finds

its way to a dusty bookshelf with the other inspirational

material, and the idea we were so excited about is more or

less forgotten.

We have seen this so often in teaching people about

blessing their children. At first we will see dramatic changes

in their lives as they come to grips with whether they ever

received the blessing themselves and how well they are

doing in providing it for their children. We hope that has

happened to you—that what you have read so far has

helped you see your own life in a new and challenging light.

Yet like any other call to commitment, the inner voice that

encourages us to bless our children can get harder to hear

as time wears on.

How can we establish a pattern of commitment that

makes each element of the blessing a permanent resident in

our homes? The best answer we know of is found in a single

word: accountability.

For some reason we don’t fully understand, genuine

commitment to provide the blessing for our loved ones

seems to grow best in small groups. When six to eight

people take the time, week by week, to go through a book

or a DVD series together, lasting changes are more likely to

take place.

Imagine someone asking you how you did in terms of

providing meaningful touch for your spouse or children that

week, what encouraging words you spoke that attached

high value to a son or daughter, or even, on a one-to-ten

scale, how high your commitment to bless your family was

that week?

Even better, imagine a place where you can admit your

struggles and learn from other people’s experiences (and

mistakes). Does this description sound challenging and

inspiring? It can happen during Sunday school at your

church or in your home on a weeknight. All it takes is

courage to ask honest questions and a loving spirit to share

God’s truth along with your own personal insights.

And you need one more thing: the nerve to pick up the

phone and call those other people. A small group could

consist of three or four couples who are in similar points of

life. But it could also include single parents, grandparents,

teachers, friends—anyone who is interested in enriching

relationships and giving the blessing to those who need it.

We suggest you consult your pastor or church leader and

also pray about who might be good to ask.

Even if a small group does not seem feasible at the

moment, you can still find sources of accountability. Why

not stop right now and ask your spouse or a close friend

how well you are doing in being a source of blessing to him

or her. If your children are old enough, you can even ask

them how they think you are doing. Children will usually be

honest with you, and you can learn valuable lessons from

them—if you will take the time to talk and listen to them.

LIVING THE BLESSING

Living Out an Active Commitment

As you read about this final element of the blessing, write out

what you do on a regular basis to demonstrate your interest in

and commitment to your child. What has this commitment cost

you in terms of time, energy, or money? What issues in your life

right now (long hours, marital struggle, depression, general

business, lack of custody in a divorce) might be getting in the

way? What actions could you take in the next three months to

keep these issues from hindering your blessing? Make a list of

possible sources of accountability for you in this area.

We know that asking questions—and, even more, being

willing to answer them—can be threatening to some people.

Even so, small groups or one-on-one conversations are a

tremendous way to evaluate where we are at the present.

These meetings also give us an added incentive to work on

an area we are struggling with. Left on our own, most of us

will tend to forget or sidestep these important areas. Faithful

friends can help us face our issues and grow as a result.

Their love and emotional support can reduce our sorrow,

double our joy, and train us to become even better vessels

of blessing for those we love. It can also strengthen our

ongoing commitment as we seek to bestow the blessing.

ONE FINAL LOOK AT THE COST OF

COMMITMENT

No doubt about it, commitment is costly. If you are serious

about committing yourself to blessing those you love,

expect to pay a price. Not necessarily in terms of money—a

spouse and even small children are far too wise to be

bought off with presents for very long. But you will need to

invest time, energy, and effort to see the blessing become a

reality in their lives.

Is the price worth it? The book of Proverbs certainly seems

to show us that it is.

The final chapter of Proverbs describes a woman who

blesses her family in many ways. She is industrious and

loving, has a positive outlook on the future, and is

committed to her husband and children. Her words to her

family are filled with wisdom and kindness.

Did she just happen to be born this way? Certainly not.

Each of these qualities was developed at a price. What is

often skipped over when this passage is taught is how often

this woman was up at dawn and how hard she worked to

bless her family with her actions and words. She used the

same kind of energy that gets parents out of bed on the

weekend to take their children camping or enables a

husband or wife to stay up late to help his or her spouse

complete a project.

Was blessing her family really worth all that effort? It was

for this woman. Read what her family has to say about her

and her decision to make a genuine commitment to them:

“Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also,

and he praises her: ‘Many daughters have done well, but

you excel them all’” (Prov. 31:28–29).

It takes hard work, wrapped in the words active

commitment, to provide the blessing to another person. It

takes time to meaningfully touch and hug our children when

they come home from school or before they go to bed. It

takes courage to put into a spoken or written message those

words of love for our spouses that have been on the tips of

our tongues. It takes wisdom and boldness to “bow our

knees” and highly value those we love. It takes creativity to

picture a future for them filled with hope and with God’s

best for their lives. But all this effort is worthwhile.

One day, perhaps years later, the blessing that you give

will return. Those you bless will rise up and bless you.

What’s more, you will find that the joy at seeing another

person’s life bloom and grow because of your commitment

to seek their best is a blessing in itself.

Just ask one couple who took the time early on in their

only son’s life to provide him with the blessing. When he

grew up, he would return words of blessing to them—in a

most unusual way.

“Bubs” Roussel was only seventeen on that infamous

Sunday morning in 1941 when Pearl Harbor was bombed.

Later that day, he told his father and mother the shocking

news of the Japanese attack.

Not long afterward, Bubs was called into the army and

ended up serving in the Army Air Corps (now called the air

force). After special training in communications, he was

assigned as a radio operator in a B-29 bomber. The

youngest in his crew, Bubs had to grow up fast. In only a few

months he found himself stationed on the island of Saipan in

the western Pacific.

From this tiny island, B-29s were making bomber runs on

Japan. The work was dangerous, even deadly. On the

morning of December 13, 1944, eighteen bombers soared

out over the Pacific to make a bomb run on factories at

Nagoya, Japan. Four of the planes that left Saipan that

morning never returned. Bubs’s plane was among them.

Official word that Bubs had been killed in action came to

his parents from the War Department. They, like so many

other family members in those days, received a telegram

along with a small white flag, bordered with red and

trimmed with blue and gold. The flag had one small gold

star in the middle— the symbol of a son who has fallen in

battle.

However, Bubs’s parents also received something else.

Almost a month after his plane went down, a letter came in

the mail. Bubs had placed it on his pillow before his last

mission.

Dear Folks:

I have left this with instructions to send it on to you if anything

happens to me. I send you my love and blessings. My life has

been a full one. I have been loved like very few persons ever. I

love you all with the best that is in me. It hasn’t been hard for

me, knowing you believe in me, trust me, and stand behind me

in fair or foul. Knowing this has made me strong. 3

Would your children be able to write a letter like this to

you? They could if they grew up in a home committed to

being a source of blessings, homes like the one in which

Bubs grew up. The words might be different, but the

sentiment would be the same. Giving our children the

blessing is like casting bread upon the waters. In years to

come they, too, will rise up and bless us.

Gary’s and my prayer for every person who reads this

book is that you will become a person of the blessing. The

cost is genuine commitment, but the rewards can last a

lifetime and beyond.

For six chapters we have examined the various elements

of the blessing and looked at homes that bestow that

blessing on children. Unfortunately not all children receive a

blessing they can give back to their parents. In the next

section we will look at what happens in a home where the

blessing is withheld, the painful consequences of such

withholding for their children and later generations, and how

those who have been denied the blessing can find hope and

healing. This section might be especially helpful to you if

you or someone you love is struggling with a lack of

blessing in your lives.

However, if you are eager to get started now on making

the blessing a part of your life, feel free to flip forward to

part 4 of this book, which provides a wealth of practical

guidance for starting down the blessing path and living out

the blessing in your family’s day-to-day activities.

You have made it through part 2. Please go to

TheBlessing.com/Chapter 10 and watch a special video

message from Dr. Trent as you start your journey.

PART 3

When the Blessing

Doesn’t Happen

ELEVEN

Homes That Withhold

the Blessing

WHEN I SPOKE about the blessing at a big Promise Keepers

rally several years ago, I asked all the men who had missed

the blessing to stand up so we could pray for them. We were

in a huge football stadium, and it was packed. But when I

made that request, literally half the stadium stood up. I

suspect the same percentage would apply to most of our

churches on Sunday morning.

So many men, women, and children are trying to get

through life without the blessing their hearts yearn for. And

if we are sitting next to someone like that in school or at

work, if we are married to someone who missed the

blessing, or if we missed it ourselves, it is important that we

understand what we are up against.

THE MARK OF A MISSED BLESSING

Living for years with our families of origin leaves a profound

mark on all of us. In most cases, this mark is a positive one,

put there by a family that deeply cares for us and knows

how to express that caring effectively. But some homes

have serious problems that can deeply scar a man or

woman. These homes can cause an individual to wear the

mark of his or her family like the mark of shame God put on

Cain.

Such people can spend years struggling to free

themselves from their pasts and as a result are never free to

enjoy a committed relationship in the present. If hurtful

patterns from the past are not faced and broken, they are

likely to repeat themselves in the next generation.

Unfortunately this is where the terrible truth described in

Exodus 20:5 becomes reality, and “the iniquity of the

fathers” is passed down to the third and fourth generations.

In a later chapter we will look at how these hurtful

patterns from the past can be broken. But first, in this

chapter and the next, I want to introduce you to the six

most common types of homes I see in counseling that

withhold the blessing. In counseling couples and individuals

all over the country, I have seen these six patterns surface

time and time again.

Let me clarify before we begin our tour of these homes

and common characteristics. In no way do I want this

chapter to become ammunition to dishonor a parent or to

blame all present problems on the past. Just the opposite is

true. I hope that speaking truthfully and honestly about

these homes and patterns will lead you to honor your

parents (perhaps for the first time) and take responsibility

for how you behave today.

Only when we can honestly look at our parents and our

past are we ever truly free to “leave” them in a healthy way

and “cleave” to others in present relationships (Gen. 2:24).

If we are carrying around anger or resentment from the

past, we are chained to the past and are likely to repeat it.

In gaining a better understanding of these homes that

withhold the blessing and the characteristics they produce,

we may also find we understand our parents’ backgrounds

better. Our parents were greatly influenced by growing up

with their parents, and that experience affects us too. By

looking at the types of homes our parents grew up in, we

can often find answers to difficult questions about our

parents that may have plagued us for years.

Most parents, I have found, truly love their children even if

they do not know how to show it. Most have tried their best

with the information and resources they had. Even in cases

where that is not true—and there are such parents— it is

possible to value them and forgive them just as God, in

Christ, has forgiven us.

God’s Word gives help and hope to deal with the lack of

the family blessing, hope that doesn’t come from

dishonoring our parents or burying our heads in the sand

and ignoring the past. Yet before we can look at a remedy,

we need to understand the problems that exist. Only then

can we be free to move forward in the present and to

receive help so as not to repeat a painful past.

With this important caution in mind, let’s look at the first

kind of home that commonly withholds the blessing.

HOME #1: WHERE THERE IS EITHER A FLOOD

OR A DROUGHT

In the springtime, the Seattle area is particularly beautiful—

lush and green. Almost every day, clouds roll in and drench

the land with refreshing rain showers. However, if you leave

the city and travel only a few hours east, up and over the

mountains that are set in from the coastline, you will

observe a far different scene. These mountains do such an

effective job in halting the rains that very few clouds get

past them. As a result, the land on the east side of the

mountains is actually semiarid.

We see a similar phenomenon in many homes today. One

child, for what can be a number of reasons, will be drenched

with lush showers of blessing from his or her parents. As a

result, this child appears to thrive and grow.

Unfortunately, sitting just “east” of him or her at the

dinner table can be one or more siblings whose emotional

lives are like the parched ground. So few drops of blessing

have fallen on the soil of their lives that emotional cracks

begin to form. This very thing happened in one Old

Testament patriarch’s home.

We are already familiar with the patriarch Jacob and the

fact that at the end of his life he gave each son a special

blessing. However, the Scriptures paint real life, not

Hollywood fiction, and the facts are that, when his children

were young, Jacob showered only one son with the blessing:

“Now Israel loved Joseph more than all his children, because

he was the son of his old age. Also he made him a tunic of

many colors. But when his brothers saw that their father

loved him more than all his brothers, they hated him and

could not speak peaceably to him” (Gen. 37:3–4).

That beautiful tunic may have spelled special acceptance

to one son, but it brought out hatred from eleven brothers

who were living apart from the blessing. Their anger

reached such proportions that Joseph’s brothers came close

to putting him to death (vv. 18–22).

Anger, resentment, and insecurity are emotions that

children who grow up without the blessing often carry—

particularly when that blessing is so close, yet so far away.

Like a thirsty man looking at distant rain, such children may

experience discouragement and depression—emotional

cracks and pain that quickly fill with persistent bitterness.

But it is not just the less-favored children who suffer in a

flood-or-drought home. The one being showered with

blessing can experience significant problems as well. We

have seen this regularly in our counseling—where the one

child who gained the blessing in a family feels guilty and

defensive about receiving it.

Pro athletes and other famous people often have this

feeling. Because of their outstanding abilities, they have

been singled out for special praise far beyond what their

siblings received. We talked to one athlete who felt this

extra attention was a curse, not a blessing. He desperately

wanted a close relationship with his brothers, but his

parents’ excessive attention to him kept his brothers at

arm’s length and left him aching with loneliness and feeling

rejected inside.

Please don’t misunderstand. Each child needs to be

singled out sometimes for special praise or recognition. But

if the elements of the blessing fall exclusively on one child,

serious problems can develop for each child in the family.

Just ask Joyce.

Joyce’s parents were well-to-do educators at an

outstanding university. After growing their careers for years,

they finally decided they had room in their lives for a child—

one child. But when Joyce’s mother became pregnant, they

were shocked to learn she was carrying twins.

Double the joy? Not for this couple. In their well-ordered,

well-coordinated lives, there wasn’t room for four. They

would express their disappointment and anger in subtle and

obvious ways throughout the girls’ growing-up years. One

twin, Joyce, was praised and appreciated while the younger

twin, Janice, was scorned—a situation that brought

resounding heartache to both children.

When children don’t receive positive attention, they will

look for it any way they can. And so Janice began, even in

early grade school, to live up to her unwanted label. She did

poorly in school, received worse marks in conduct, and

brought home the kinds of notes and comments from her

teachers that made her educator parents livid.

Finally, at age seventeen, Janice ran away from home with

her latest boyfriend. “Good riddance!” was her parents’ only

publicly printable comment, and they quickly went back to

blessing their oldest daughter. It would be more than twelve

years before they heard from Janice again.

I met Joyce at a conference on the blessing at a large,

metropolitan church. She came up to me during a break and

told me the rest of the story.

Joyce had gone on to college, and her parents had even

paid for her to complete a master’s degree in music. She

had then married and borne two beautiful children who

sported their mother’s and grandparents’ red hair. But a

terrible sorrow lay behind the joy in Joyce’s life—all because

of her sister.

For Joyce, the pain of being the one who received the

blessing had been magnified a hundred times when her

parents received a call from an AIDS clinic in New York.

Janice had just died there—a prostitute who had contracted

the deadly disease. The clinic had traced her back to her

hometown through old letters and confirmed her identity

through dental records. Janice had been so alienated from

her family that, even in her dying days, she would not pick

up the phone and call home.

Her parents refused to talk about what happened, but

Joyce could not forget it. The joy of watching her children

grow, the satisfaction of the education she received but her

twin never got, the husband who loved her, the church she

enjoyed so much— suddenly all those positive things

seemed to be products of a terrible home, not gifts from a

loving God. And all because she had been born seven-and-a-

half minutes before Janice.

While this story is the most dramatic example I know of

out-of-balance favoritism, I have heard literally hundreds of

painful tales from people who have suffered in homes that

play unfair favorites. Yet as we will see, there is hope for

those from homes where the blessing falls on only one side

of the mountain.

HOME #2: WHERE THE BLESSING IS HELD JUST

OUT OF REACH

Robin’s parents were both extremely demanding. Her father

was a successful businessman, and her mother was a leader

in social circles. “Success” was a motto in their home and

had something to do with the title of every magazine they

subscribed to. They demanded excellence from Robin and

would only award praise or hugs upon spectacular

achievement. What these parents didn’t realize was that by

placing the blessing up on the top shelf, their daughter grew

up in a terrible double bind.

To please her father Robin majored in marketing in

college, just as he had. She did quite well in school and

landed a prestigious job with the chance for advancement.

Robin spent many extra hours at her job, and her father was

quite pleased with her achievements.

Then Robin fell in love and married a junior partner in the

company. They had two little boys, who quickly became the

apples of their grandmother’s eye. But Robin’s mother, who

had never worked outside the home, expected her daughter

to do all the things with the children that she had done.

Now Robin was pulled in two directions. To try to capture

her father’s blessing, she tried to keep the same pace at

work that had won his praise in the past. To try to reach her

mother’s blessing, she tried to be Supermom and do

everything with her children that a nonworking mother

could do. After several years of a killing schedule, the

pressure became too much, and Robin fell apart emotionally.

Our American culture is so fast paced that it is easy to be

driven to the breaking point. Unfortunately, those who have

missed out on the blessing are often susceptible to this kind

of frenzied activity. In a misguided, often futile, attempt to

reach for parental acceptance, they become workaholics.

And make no mistake—workaholics are not just

businesspeople. As Robin’s story shows, there are also

workaholic homemakers, mothers, volunteers—all struggling

to gain attention and accolades that were always just out of

their reach at home.

Christian leaders are not exempt either. Forgetting about

God’s sovereignty and biblical passages concerning our

need for Sabbath rest1, many modern-day pastors will work

themselves until they drop. This is exactly what happened

to a friend of ours in the ministry who never received the

blessing from his parents.

Rick was what many considered a model pastor. Beginning

his pastoral ministry at a small church that had not grown at

all in fifteen years, Rick tripled the attendance and moved

on to another church. Great success followed this move up

the church-growth ladder, and he was pushed even further

into the Christian limelight. After four years at his second

church, working day and night to minister to the

congregation, he was offered the senior pastorate at a

megachurch with a membership of several thousand people.

For a pastor in his denomination, he was on top of the

mountain of success looking down.

Everywhere Pastor Rick went, more and more people

would tell him how great he was. Then at age forty-six, an

interesting thing happened to him.

Rick had raced home from the church one evening and

wolfed down his dinner so he could go back to the church to

lead a visitation team. He had hardly spoken to his wife,

young son, or teenage daughter except for saying, as he

stood up, “I’ve gotta run. It’s visitation night.”

As he turned to leave, his teenage daughter spoke up.

“Dad . . . can I ask you a question?”

Turning toward her, he said, “Sure, honey, what is it?”

“Can you visit our family next week?”

Imagine climbing the ministry ladder to its greatest

heights and waking up to the fact that your kids felt like

orphans in their own home. But such is the cost to the

children of confirmed workaholics who feel that if they ever

slack off—ever—they will miss that blessing.

People who grow up with parents who always put the

blessing just out of reach need to be introduced to a God

who says, “My yoke is easy and My burden is light” (Matt.

11:30). In doing so, they can begin to serve people—and

their families— with a whole new perspective. No longer

driven to fill a gaping need for personal acceptance through

other people, for the first time in years they can be freed for

truly meaningful work and meaningful relationships. Even

more, they can finally enjoy God’s acceptance—not for

trying to meet all the thousands of expectations around

them, but just for breathing.

HOME #3: WHERE THE BLESSING IS

EXCHANGED FOR A BURDEN

In some homes a form of the blessing is given to a child but

at a terrible cost. Read the words of one woman who wrote

a letter to a national columnist:

Ever since I was a little girl, my mother made me feel guilty if I

did not do exactly as she wanted. Dozens of times she has said,

“You will be sorry when I am in my coffin.” I was never a bad girl!

I always did everything she requested me to do . . .

Both my parents are eighty-two. One of these days my mother

will die, and I am terrified of what it will do to me. 2

This poor woman had paid a tremendous price for a

blessing she is not even sure she has received. One

certainly can’t say she didn’t try hard enough. Did you catch

her words? “I was never a bad girl! I always did everything

she requested me to do.” In spite of all her efforts, she

received a burden instead of a blessing.

In this third home that withholds the blessing a terrible

transaction takes place. A child is coaxed by guilt or fear

into giving up all rights to his or her goals and desires. In

return, the child gets a counterfeit blessing that lasts only

until the parent’s next selfish desire beckons. So it was with

Nicole, a woman who had to carry around a terrible secret in

order to keep her blessing.

When Nicole was only nine years old, her parents

divorced. Less than six months later, her mother remarried

and a stepfather moved into the house. While Nicole’s

mother was away at work one evening, her stepfather came

into her room. What started out as “play” became an

evening of shame and horror for Nicole. Like thousands of

young girls her age, she became the victim of sexual abuse.

The next morning, the stepfather pulled Nicole aside and

told her that if she ever mentioned what had happened to

anyone, he would beat her mother within an inch of her life,

divorce her, and leave them both to “starve on the street.”

On the other hand, if she told no one, he would be nice to

her and her mother and support them.

The fear of what would happen to her mother, added to

her own feelings of shame, kept Nicole from telling what had

happened. And her stepfather kept his part of the bargain.

He went on with his life and marriage as though nothing had

ever happened. He even treated her decently after that one

event.

In remaining quiet to keep her stepfather’s favor, Nicole

thought she could buy her stepfather’s blessing for her and

her mother. But she paid a terrible price for her silence,

living for years as an emotional hostage in her own home.

Even after she grew up and moved away, her stepfather’s

cruel bargain still haunted her.

When I first met Nicole, she was married and the mother

of three children. For years she had been living in another

state and only saw her mother and stepfather infrequently,

but she couldn’t move past the hurt of her violation and

enforced silence. Her painful memories shouted to her day

and night to right this wrong. Only when she broke down

and shared the secret with her loving husband did she begin

to find freedom from this past burden. And only when she

discovered her heavenly Father’s love—given with no strings

attached—did she begin to be healed of the damage that

had been done in her life.

Parents who hold out the elements of the blessing to their

child with such strings attached do them a cruel disservice.

They are using one of the most powerful needs in the

human heart—the yearning for the blessing—to lure a child

into the web of their own selfish needs. The blessing we saw

in the Old Testament was never purchased at such a terrible

cost. It was a gift that was given, not something that had to

be earned. If a blessing must be exchanged for a burden, it

is not really a blessing after all.

HOME #4: WHERE THERE ARE EMOTIONAL

MINEFIELDS

It was 1969, during the height of the Vietnam War, and my

twin brother and I were sitting down with my father for

lunch. This was a first! My father had left home when my

twin and I were just three months old. We rarely spent time

with him, and we had never gone to lunch with him. But Jeff

and I were facing something that my father had gone

through himself: the draft. So he wanted to talk to us.

“If your draft number is picked tomorrow,” he said with

deep concern, “you’ve got to know what you’re going to

face if you must go and fight.” So over the next two hours,

for the first and only time, I heard my father speak in detail

about his experiences in World War II, as a young Marine on

an island called Guadalcanal. Many of his stories from that

day are still vivid in my mind, but in particular I remember

his talking about the assignment he hated most—walking

“on point.”

Picture the scene. You are deep in the jungle, on patrol

with a squad of soldiers. You are the “point man,” the first

one in line, and it is your job to scout for enemy soldiers and

snipers and to watch for any booby traps they left behind.

You never know when a shot might ring out or your foot will

come down on a camouflaged mine or if you’ll trip over a

wire that sets off an explosion that could cripple or kill you

and your comrades.

Imagine the stress of each footfall—the tension never

leaving you, the fear gripping your heart. And you have no

choice but to keep walking forward, knowing the next step

might be your last.

Many children grow up in a home that feels like that every

day. It is a home full of emotional minefields and unseen

booby traps that can blow up in a child’s face at any

moment. Things can seem perfectly fine at one moment and

even go well for weeks or months, then something will set

off an explosion. That’s exactly what Steven experienced.

Like most teenaged boys, Steven would always head

straight to the refrigerator when he got home from school.

And most days, that would be fine. Steven could open the

refrigerator door and eat or drink anything he wanted—even

drink right from the milk carton—and his father, who was

usually sitting at the kitchen table, wouldn’t bat an eye. But

some days his father would explode with anger if Steven

even reached to open the refrigerator door. He would rant

and rave about “eating me out of house and home” and

slam the door shut, pushing Steven out of the way.

Steven never knew when such an explosion would occur.

He could never be sure what would set it off. So he quickly

learned the rules of living in a minefield. You never relax.

You never invite friends over. And you never, ever walk into

the house with an unguarded heart, because that may be

the day that everything goes to pieces.

It’s not only a father who can create such a home. In his

inspiring and very honest autobiography, General H.

Norman Schwarzkopf tells what it was like growing up in a

home with an alcoholic mother.

I used to dread coming right home at night. I’d go around the

side of the house, where there was a window that looked into

the kitchen. I’d stand in the dark and look inside and try to judge

what kind of night it was going to be. Mom had a Jekyll and Hyde

personality. When she was sober, she was the sweetest, most

sensitive, loving and intelligent person you ever met. But when

she was drunk she was holy terror.

That terror was often vented on General Schwarzkopf’s

sisters.

When Mom was drunk, a terrible meanness would come out,

mostly in the form of personal attacks on my sisters. She might

look at Sally and say, “Sit up straight! Why are you always

slouching? Why don’t you sit up straight at the table?” Then it

would be “Just look at you. You’re such a mess. Look at that

hair.” The small jabs would go on until she sensed she’d hit on

something my sister was particularly sensitive about, and then

she’d bore in until my sister broke down in tears. 3

Such abuse is painful in itself, but the real damage in this

kind of home comes from the unpredictability and the mixed

message. One day a child will hear, “I love you. I care. I’m

sorry.” The next day those words are blown away with

angry, explosive actions that say, “I hate you. You’re ruining

my life. You’re the reason for my unhappiness.” Growing up

in such an unpredictable emotional environment can leave a

child openly fearful of connecting with others or inwardly

afraid of genuine commitment.

In 1 John 4:18, we read that “perfect love casts out fear.”

Yet for children who grow up in an emotional minefield, fear

can reverse the equation and make them less loving. Often

these are ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) homes, and

they commonly leave scars that are felt for a lifetime.

However, these homes are in neck-to-neck competition with

a fifth kind of home that robs a child of the blessing.

HOME #5: WHERE UNFAIR FAMILY TRADITIONS

RULE

Jim was confused and brokenhearted. At nineteen he had

been ordered out of his parents’ home by his father, and he

did not know where to turn.

What was the problem? Was it open rebellion? Lying?

Stealing?

Actually, for Jim’s father, it was something even worse. Jim

had a role he was expected to fulfill in his family, and Jim

had decided not to fill it. Such an attitude is an

unpardonable sin in homes that fly the banner “Unyielding

Traditions Live Here.” In this home the blessing is only given

when a child chooses to go along with what is expected of

him or her.

In Jim’s case, the expectation was that he would be a

minister. His father was a minister. His grandfather and even

his great-grandfather had been ministers. Three generations

of Smiths had heard the call to the ministry early in life and

unquestioningly responded to it.

Now it was the fourth generation’s turn. In fact, Jim’s older

brother was currently attending the seminary his father had

attended. Jim, who had trusted Christ early in life and grown

in his love for the Lord over the years, was now attending a

Christian college in his hometown and dating a minister’s

daughter. Everyone assumed the next step for him would be

seminary, then a small pastorate to continue his family’s

tradition.

Then Jim broke the news. He had finally declared a major

in college, and it was marketing, not missions.

Jim’s father was mortified. Having three generations of

Smiths in the ministry and both sons in seminary or

preseminary training had been such a good illustration in

sermons and at conferences. Now he was in jeopardy of

losing his bragging rights. All because his son had dared to

question the unquestionable and break the Smiths’ family

tradition.

At first Jim’s girlfriend was suspected of luring him away

from his calling, but that proved to be false. His closest

friends were all believers, and little evidence could be

amassed that a conspiracy had been launched from that

direction. No, it came down to Jim himself. In an angry

session after dinner one night, he and his father exchanged

words. Jim would not admit that sin in his life had led him

astray, so his father “invoked discipline” on him. Jim was

ordered to separate himself from his family until he had

seen the error of his ways and repented.

Sound incredible? Such a separation is all too common

when a child breaks a family’s unwritten rules and bucks

tradition. We have seen it with a son who refused to take

over his father’s garage, a daughter who didn’t marry into

the right social class, a son who dared to vote Republican, a

daughter who turned down a bid to join her mother’s

sorority.

In each of these examples the parents felt cheated out of

something they expected from their children. As

punishment, they withheld or took back their blessing from

that child. And this, again, can cause problems for every

child in the family, not just the one who rebels. It can force a

brother to choose sides, sisters to keep secrets. It can ruin

every holiday and special family event because of the layer

of ice that forms the moment the erring son or daughter

walks in the door.

We need to be clear about what kind of parents we are

looking at here. We are not talking about the kinds of

parents who grieve over a son or daughter who has strayed

into genuine error and they are forced to keep the child at

arm’s length for that reason. Eddie and Belle’s oldest son,

for instance, was an alcoholic. Don had started drinking in

Vietnam, turning to the bottle to try to deaden the horrors of

war. When he returned home, he continued to drink. He

married and became a father, but he was unable to keep a

decent job. When he began to take out his frustrations on

his wife and children, she had to take out a restraining order

against him.

Don’s destructive behavior broke his parents’ hearts, but

they never withheld their blessing. They prayed for him

daily and tried to be both counselors and encouragers. They

helped him financially innumerable times and even bailed

him out of jail on two occasions. But when he began

physically abusing his family, they made the painful

decision to withhold financial support unless Don attended

an alcohol treatment program.

Eddie and Belle shared their decision with their son with

love, but he exploded in anger. Calling them every name

under the sun, he threatened to get even and stormed out

of the house.

Don’s parents did not stop loving their son. Yet because

they loved him and wanted the best for him even more than

they loved their relationship with him, they were willing to

confront him and risk losing him for a season. They withheld

one aspect of the blessing from their son because of the

destructive problems he faced. Both biblically and

relationally, they were on firm ground in doing this.

Such parents do not qualify to have the banner

“Unyielding Traditions Live Here” raised over their home.

Neither do parents who agonize over a believing son who is

set on marrying an unbelieving woman or the parents who

face the possibility that their never-married daughter may

marry a man fresh from his fifth divorce. The kind of house

that deserves this banner is reserved for people like Jerry

and Elaine, who withheld every bit of their blessing from

their daughter for reasons as solid as quicksand.

Brenda was a charming, intelligent young woman who

deeply loved her parents. They cared for her, too, and had

the material resources to express that affection in tangible

ways—new clothes, new cars, the finest schools. These were

hers until she met and fell in love with Brent.

Brent was attending the same distinguished school that

Brenda was, but Brent was working his way through. Brent’s

father had died years earlier in a car accident, and his

mother had raised him by working in a local grade-school

cafeteria. Money was always tight for him, but he was doing

extremely well academically and had a bright future ahead.

Brent and Brenda met the first day of school at the

sorority house where Brent was hashing (cooking and

cleaning up) to pay for his meals. Both Brenda and Brent

were new believers in Christ, and they found they had many

interests in common. Their relationship began as a close

friendship, but by the end of the semester it had developed

into something more. After a summer of e-mails and phone

calls, they knew they had been smitten with the real thing.

By December of the next year, they were talking

engagement, and it was time for Brent to meet Brenda’s

parents.

Brent’s mother lived near the college, and Brenda had

met her numerous times. Already a deep affection was

growing between the two. And Brenda just knew her parents

would welcome Brent with open arms.

Nothing could have been further from the truth.

Brenda was so in love with Brent that she had failed to see

the hardening attitude of her parents regarding their

relationship. Not wanting to push her deeper into the

relationship by forbidding it, they had hoped to coax her

away from Brent by hosting parties and taking her to the

club where all the nice boys were. But when Brenda phoned

to tell them Brent was coming to visit, they laid down the

law.

The little they had heard about Brent’s background had

been more than enough. Brenda’s parents had too much at

stake when it came to their daughter’s social standing—and

their own. He would never, under any circumstances, enter

their home, much less become their son-in-law. In fact, she

was to stop seeing him or lose their financial backing.

Though Brenda was devastated by her parents’ attitude,

she and Brent tried to pick up the pieces of shattered

dreams. They sought counsel from their pastor and close

friends and called on Brenda’s family’s pastor to ask his

advice. Brenda even made a trip home to see if she could

change her parents’ attitude. They only repeated the firm

warning that too much was at stake for her to throw it all

away on someone who didn’t “deserve” her or her family. As

if being poor was not bad enough, Brent was a Yankee.

Brenda’s very Southern parents could not imagine that

God’s blessing—much less their own—would ever rest on

such a person.

To try to honor Brenda’s parents, Brent and Brenda put off

their engagement and marriage for a year and a half. During

that time every attempt for Brent to meet her parents face-

to-face or to discuss the issue was rebuffed. Finally, with a

semester of school left, Brenda made the most difficult

decision in her life. She and Brent were married at a lovely

service in the small university chapel, with only Brent’s

mother in attendance. Brenda took a part-time job at the

school bookstore to help pay for her final semester and

graduation.

In the first seven years of Brent and Brenda’s marriage,

her parents visited her only twice, each time only to see a

new grandchild. Their bitter rejection has never let up, nor

have they ever given their blessing to their grandchildren.

By withholding their blessing on Brenda’s marriage, they

have won a hollow victory. They lost the battle over whom

their daughter would marry. But in their minds they win the

war every lonely day and unhappy holiday that Brenda faces

without their love and support.

It could be debated that Brent and Brenda should never

have married in the first place, especially without her

parents’ blessing. But their ongoing bitterness, resentment,

and unwillingness to make contact with their daughter’s

family— even years after the wedding—shows a desire to

punish, not to stand on principle.

Homes like Brenda’s that wave the banner “Unyielding

Traditions Live Here” do not consider right and wrong—only

rules and tradition. Parents like this know full well the

impact of their punitive decision to withhold their blessing,

and that is exactly why they do it. Their pride has been hurt;

now their children will hurt as well.

In such homes the blessing is always conditional. Fulfill

every expectation, and it will be given. Travel a different

road, and a son or daughter can expect to wander far from

the shelter of acceptance. This is the fifth home that

commonly withholds the blessing, and it can leave a child

emotionally in a place where it is always winter, never

spring.

TWELVE

Half-Blessed

IN THE PREVIOUS chapter, we looked at five different home

situations that can leave children bereft of the blessing. But

there are other homes where a child does receive the

blessing but only in part—usually because a parent is

missing in action. There are several situations where this

can happen, and each has the power to leave a child feeling

only half-blessed. In this chapter we look at the most

common of these situations and explore the impact they

can have not only on the children but also on others in the

family.

WHEN PARENTS DIVORCE

In the typical divorce the wife will retain custody of the

children, and the father will move out. There are exceptions

to this, of course, but it is still by far the most common

scenario. And when it comes to interaction between the

noncustodial parent (usually the father), certain changes are

typical.

During the first year following a divorce, for instance,

many fathers see their children on a regular schedule. In

fact, the “sugar daddy syndrome” is quite common, where

the father smothers the children with gifts and attention

right after the divorce. As a result, the children may feel

closer to him than they have in years. (The one who usually

has difficulty during this time is the mother, who may be

struggling to make ends meet and has to compete with

lavish gifts and trips for the children that she cannot afford.)

Unfortunately such attention is usually temporary.

Typically, after about a year, the contact between father and

child will begin to decrease. If he remarries or has to move

away for business reasons, the change may be more

dramatic. By the time three years have gone by, many

fathers will see their sons or daughters once a month or

even less often. They will be less involved in their lives, less

aware of what they are thinking and feeling. And most likely,

their ability and inclination to give the blessing will

decrease.

Even if the custodial parent is diligent about giving the

blessing—and a stressed single parent may find that a

challenge—children of divorce are likely to grow up feeling

partially blessed. They have the consistency of one parent’s

blessing and also the constant longing for the other’s

missing blessing. Anger, insecurity, and misbehavior can

often result.

Again, not all fathers lose contact with their children after

a divorce. And there are situations when the mother is the

noncustodial parent. But the most important point is that

children need the blessing from both parents. When one

blessing is absent due to divorce, there will be a vacuum in

a child’s life.

We want to stress one important point to the parent

remaining at home who consistently gives his or her child

the blessing. (This point is also important to consider for

parents of children who were deserted or adopted.) Children

will naturally long for the blessing of the absent parent,

regardless of the situation surrounding the divorce. Their

desire for that missing element does not negate or devalue

the blessing of the custodial parent. Almost all children have

an emotional need to reestablish connection with the other

person responsible for their birth.

I found this to be true in my life. My mother and father

divorced when I was two months old. My mother retained

custody of my older brother, my twin brother, and me,

which gave her three children under three years of age to

raise.

As I have had the opportunity later in life to look through

books on how to be a good single parent, I have discovered

that my mother could have been on the cover. To this day I

cannot remember her running down my father verbally or

erecting walls that would keep us from contacting him.

My mother worked full-time as an executive at a major

savings and loan corporation, yet her nights and weekends

reflected her commitment to us children. On dozens of

Friday nights she would stuff us all in the car, hook on our

little teardrop trailer, and off we would go to the mountains

in northern Arizona or to the beach in Mexico to camp out

with other families.

And you have to understand, camping was an acquired

interest for my mother. She grew up in an affluent home in

Indiana, and her only previous camping experience had

involved Holiday Inns next to a campsite. Yet she knew that

three growing boys needed the rigors of outdoor life and the

male companionship of several married friends who treated

each child in the camping club as their own.

I can say without question that my brothers and I learned

about the blessing long before we could read about it in the

Scriptures. All the elements of the blessing—meaningful

touch, words of praise and affirmation, attaching high value,

picturing a special future for each of us, and especially an

unflagging commitment—were part of our experience with

our mother. But my mother, a very loving person, was also

very wise—wise enough not to be threatened when, after

several years, my father sought to reestablish contact with

us. She never used her blessing as a bargaining chip to play

one parent against the other. I believe that is an important

reason why, even in a home situation that is less than God’s

ideal, my brothers and I managed to grow up feeling loved

and appreciated—though we still felt acutely the lack of our

father’s blessing.

I believe that any parents who are considering divorce

need to face facts squarely. Splitting apart a marriage can

affect each child in a severe and negative way. A growing

marriage is the ideal place for children to receive a full

blessing from their parents. But even when divorce cannot

be avoided, both parents can make a big difference by

doing their best to ensure that their children are not left

half-blessed.

For noncustodial parents, that may mean working harder

to stay involved in your children’s lives, even when it is

expensive or inconvenient, and being intentional (and

creative) about providing the elements of the blessing when

you are together. For custodial parents, that means

recognizing that your children need both parents and doing

whatever possible to facilitate an ongoing relationship with

the noncustodial parent.

Need a lift as you work through your personal blessing

issues? TheBlessing.com has a wonderful section featuring

new voices in Christian music—just click on “Music That

Blesses Others.” I’d especially like you to meet Shon Stewart,

our host for “Music That Blesses Others.” You’ll be

tremendously encouraged as you listen to Shon’s music and his

inspirational life story—as well as the music of others who choose to

bless you with the gift of song.

DEATH AND DESERTION

In most divorces, both parents are still a factor in a child’s

life, even if one is missing on a day-to-day basis. But

sometimes a parent or even both parents will be completely

missing in a child’s life because of death or desertion. This

absence is something a child feels keenly, even if others do

their best to make up for the lost blessing.

Desertion by a parent can be harder on a child than losing

him or her to death. When a parent dies, a child knows that

in this life the opportunity to obtain the blessing from that

parent is gone. There is a certain closure although, of

course, this depends on the age of the child. Also, while it is

common for a child to feel anger at a deceased parent for

leaving, the child usually has the consolation of knowing the

parent did not do it purposefully. (A death by suicide may be

a different matter and more closely resemble a desertion.)

The problem with desertion is that when a parent walks

out on his or her children, they still know that “out there

somewhere” is a living person who still has the power to

bless. Some children even think they catch a glimpse of that

missing person’s face in an airport or on a crowded street.

But when they run to get a closer look, the likeness

disappears, and they are left face-to-face with a stranger.

And they are left with the haunting knowledge that the

missing parent chose to leave.

Desertion leaves so many important questions

unanswered. It is a cruel dealer who passes out only half the

cards a child needs to gain the blessing. And not

surprisingly, this knowledge can have serious effects on a

child.

In a seminar we attended on the effects on displaced

children, one of the speakers used this quotation to describe

how the desertion of a father can affect a daughter (the

effects on a son will be different but still powerful):

The father who deserts his family suddenly and never sees them

again can leave a daughter forever afraid to allow herself to be

vulnerable to a man, sure that he too will leave. . . . His

daughter’s resulting anger may give her trouble with men all her

life. She may totally avoid men, or keep seeking the father she

never had. 1

With the Lord’s help, such a prediction does not have to

become a reality. However, nagging questions can remain in

the mind of any child whose parents just walk out—

questions Laurie asked herself for years.

Laurie’s mother was having an affair with her supervisor

at work. When he was transferred across the country, she

packed her bags one day when the rest of the family was

gone and went with him. She did not leave a note for Laurie

or even call to talk to her. She just sent a certified letter

addressed to Laurie’s father, delivering notice of a pending

divorce.

Laurie and her father did very well together through the

grade-school and high-school years. She even went to

secretarial school and landed a nice job as an executive

assistant. Yet lurking in the shadows every time Laurie

became serious in a dating relationship was a nagging fear.

Every time she would think about marriage or having a

family, a little voice would whisper, Don’t do it. You’ll be just

like your mother and leave them too. Only with the counsel

of a helpful pastor and learning about how God could meet

the missing part of her blessing was Laurie finally enabled

to marry and set up a happy family.

For more help with giving the blessing in special family

situations, be sure and visit TheBlessing.com. You will also

find stories and encouragement for singles who are

committed to living out the blessing in their most important

relationships, as well as special information for single parents

and grandparents who are standing in the gap to bless a child.

DEALING WITH THE QUESTIONS RAISED BY

ADOPTION

We see yet another group of children in counseling who

commonly struggle with gaining only part of the blessing.

These are adopted children who wonder why their birth

parents never stayed to bless them.

We know many parents of adopted children who do a

tremendous job of giving them the blessing. These parents

more than make up for any loss a child might feel by being

separated from his or her biological parents, especially if the

child was adopted quite young. Yet in even the best of

homes, where a child is totally secure in his adoptive

parents’ love, the question can still arise: “Why did my

biological parents leave me?”

Sometimes this questioning comes in the form of

misbehaving to see if the adoptive parents will “leave me

like my birth parents did.” These children will test the limits

of their adoptive parents’ commitment in an attempt to

reassure themselves that they really are loved. Other

children will do Internet searches or pay organizations to

find their birth parents, all in an attempt to regain that part

of the blessing they feel they have missed out on.

Adoptive parents should expect some behavior of this

sort, especially when the child gets old enough to ask such

questions. How the child responds will depend on the

circumstances of the adoption and on the child’s needs and

maturity level. However, by providing the five elements of

the blessing, backed by God’s unchanging love, adoptive

parents can give their children the security and self-

confidence to face these questions in a healthy way. They

may still ask the questions, but they won’t be as dependent

on their biological parents’ blessing to lay the foundation for

their lives. God’s love, demonstrated for them through the

family blessing, can bring them the certainty they need

about themselves and the assurance that they belong to a

family that truly loves them.

THE BLESSING IN A BLENDED FAMILY

As we travel across the country, we are constantly asked

how remarriage affects the blessing. Many, many blended

families do a wonderful job of giving the blessing to “yours,”

“mine,” and “ours.” But children in these homes are likely to

bear significant hurts from whatever preceded the

remarriage— divorce, death, living in a single-parent home

—and bringing “steps” into the home can certainly

complicate matters. For younger children especially, three

reactions to this new family can lead them to actually try to

prevent the family from blending, thus blocking the giving

or receiving of the blessing.

First, almost all children will generate tremendous

expectations concerning the possibility of remarriage, either

negative or positive. Some children will expect the

stepparent to be an interloper and resist all efforts to

connect. Others may see the stepparent as an idealized

person—someone who won’t argue, someone who will make

up for hurts in the past. (This is especially likely if there

have been fights or negative behavior on the part of the

natural parents.) When the child learns that, like anyone

else, the new parent isn’t perfect, anger and resentment

can follow, again blocking a stepparent’s blessing.

Second, children in a blended family often fear that

accepting a new person into their lives is a betrayal of their

natural, noncustodial father or mother. Family loyalties that

go unaddressed can act like invisible stumbling blocks,

making it difficult for a child to receive a new parent’s

blessing.

And finally there can even be panic in the heart of a child

who fears that this new person (or persons if there are step-

siblings) will crowd out his or her place in Mom or Dad’s

heart. This is especially likely if several years pass before a

remarriage. A child who is accustomed to being first in the

parent’s life can feel terribly threatened by a new person

who is now competing for Mom or Dad’s time.

At the same time that children in blended families are

facing these issues, the parents and the entire family are

likely to be going through significant adjustments—adjusting

to a new home, creating new rules and traditions, and

simply getting to know each other, as well as trying to

parent effectively. In the midst of all the changes, it is easy

for parents and stepparents to lose track of the need to be

intentional in giving the blessing to natural children and

stepchildren alike.

In all of these cases it is important to realize that you will

never be able to outlogic the emotions. Simply telling them

that they have no reason to be fearful or that they should

not panic or feel disappointed doesn’t erase the feelings.

Patience and understanding are needed to draw these deep-

felt issues out of a child’s heart.

Helping a child receive and accept the blessing in a

blended-family situation requires a concerted effort from

both parent and stepparent. It also takes time. As our friend

Dr. Robert G. Barnes writes, “The blend is a process rather

than an end result.”2 But when parents and stepparents

commit themselves to taking their new family down the

blessing path—with meaningful touch, a spoken message,

attaching high value, picturing a special future, and, above

all, an active commitment to one another—they actually

increase their chances of uniting as a family.

THIRTEEN

If You Missed the Blessing

IT SHOULD BE clear by now that helping a child receive and

accept the blessing is of tremendous importance. But

perhaps you have come to realize that you grew up in a

home that withheld the blessing, and this realization has left

you feeling hopeless. If so, take heart. You have the

wonderful opportunity to overcome the past by extending

the blessing to your own children. But first let’s take a brief

look at how missing out on the blessing may have affected

you.

LIFE WITHOUT THE BLESSING

We have already looked at several examples of the

challenges faced by people who missed out on the blessing

when they were children. Let’s examine a little more closely

the ways that being deprived of the blessing can show itself

later in life. Without the blessing, children can become . . .

The Seekers

Seekers are people who are always searching for intimacy

but are seldom able to tolerate it. These are the people who

feel tremendous fulfillment in the thrill of courtship but may

have difficulty sustaining a relationship of any kind,

including marriage. Never sure of how acceptance feels,

they are never satisfied with wearing it too long. They may

even struggle with believing in God’s unchanging love for

them because of the lack of permanence in the blessing in

their early lives.

The Shattered

These are the people whose lives are deeply troubled over

the loss of their parents’ love and acceptance. Fear, anxiety,

depression, and emotional withdrawal can often be traced

to missing out on the family blessing. This unhappy road can

even lead a person to the terrifying cliffs of suicide,

convinced he or she is destined to be a “cipher in the snow.”

The Smotherers

Like two-thousand-pound sponges, these needy people

react to missing their parents’ blessing by sucking every bit

of life and energy from a spouse, child, friend, or entire

congregation. Their past has left them so empty emotionally

that they eventually drain those around them of the desire

to help or even listen. When this happens, unfortunately,

the smotherers understand only that they are being

rejected. Deeply hurt once again, they never realize that

they have brought this pain upon themselves. They end up

pushing away the very people they need so desperately.

The Angry

As long as people are angry with each other, they are

emotionally chained together. Many adults, for instance,

remain tightly linked to their parents because they are still

furious over missing the blessing. They have never forgiven

or forgotten. As a result, the rattle and chafing of emotional

chains distract them from intimacy in other relationships,

and the weight of the iron links keep them from moving

forward in life.

The Detached

Quite a few children who have missed out on the blessing

use the old proverb “Once burned, twice shy” as a motto.

Having lost the blessing from an important person in their

lives once, they spend a lifetime protecting themselves from

it ever happening again. Keeping a spouse, children, or a

close friend at arm’s length, they protect themselves, all

right—at the price of inviting loneliness to take up residence

in their lives.

The Driven

In this category, line up extreme perfectionists,

workaholics, notoriously picky house cleaners, and generally

demanding people who go after getting their blessing the

old-fashioned way: they try to earn it. The thwarted need for

affirmation and acceptance keeps these driven people tilting

at a windmill named “accomplishment” in an illusory

attempt to gain love and acceptance.

The Deluded

Like their driven counterparts, these people throw their

time, energy, and material resources into the pursuit of

anything they hope will fill that sense of emptiness inside.

But instead of focusing on achievement, they look for social

status, popularity, attention, and plenty of “toys.” They

never quite understand that the blessing is a gift that

cannot be bought. Only counterfeit blessings are for sale—

usually at an exorbitant price—and they last only as long as

the showroom shine on a new car. So these folks are

constantly feeling the need to trade in one fake blessing for

another.

The Seduced

Many people who have missed out on their parents’

blessing look to fill their relationship needs in all the wrong

places. As we mentioned in an earlier chapter, unmet needs

for love and acceptance can tempt a person to sexual

immorality, trying to meet legitimate needs in an

illegitimate way. Substance abuse and other compulsive

behavior can also fall into this category. A drink, a pill, or a

behavior is used to cover up the hurt from empty

relationships in the past or present, and an addiction can

easily result.1 One study of compulsive gamblers (especially

those struck with “lottery fever”) found that over 90 percent

of the male subjects had “dismal childhoods, characterized

by loneliness and rejection.”2

HOPE FOR HEALING

Do any of these descriptions sound even a little bit familiar?

Perhaps you or someone you love has struggled to cope

with the feelings or behaviors we have described—or

someone else has pointed them out to you. (Sometimes it’s

hard to see in our own lives what is abundantly clear to

others.)

If any of these scenarios ring true (or partially true), don’t

worry. There is hope and help for anyone to leave the ranks

of those above and join the ranks of “the blessed.” In fact,

every missed element of the blessing can be regained.

Rather than being locked into repeating the past, we all can

find freedom to grow into the people God wants us to be.

In the rest of this chapter, we suggest some important

steps that can begin the healing process. We are not

offering a simple formula nor guaranteeing an instant cure.

However, in counseling men and women all across the

country, we find that many who have started with these

principles have received hope and healing.

In our experience the road to blessing begins with the

very difficult first step of being honest with ourselves.

HONESTY:

THE FIRST STEP TOWARD HEALING

Several years ago I counseled with the parents of a very

disturbed twenty-one-year-old named Dean. He was angry

and belligerent, occasionally violent, and his mental

problems placed a tremendous burden on his family. And it

was immediately apparent to me that they should have

sought help long before they did.

These problems had first begun to appear after a car

accident when Dean was eleven years old. The accident

occurred soon after the family moved to Texas. Before the

accident, when they lived in Michigan, Dean and his family

had gotten along beautifully. In fact, they had been a model

family at their church and in their community.

When Dean’s behavior began to change following the

accident, his concerned parents took him to specialist after

specialist. They always received the same diagnosis: their

son’s problems had no medical solution. Perhaps time and

understanding would work things out.

Instead, ten years after the accident, Dean was getting

progressively worse. But his mother, who loved him dearly,

refused to recognize the severity of his problem. “It’s just

not that bad,” she kept saying. “We just need to be patient.”

Even when Dean was angry and sullen, she would spend

hours trying to reason with him and read him verses of

Scripture to make an impression on his life. Again and again

she prayed that this “thorn in the flesh” would be removed

and that their lives would be restored to what they were

before the accident.

In an attempt to alleviate the mounting pressure because

of Dean’s behavior, she would often set up family socials

and special holiday events. She wanted to re-create a time

when the whole family could be “all together again, just like

in Michigan.” However, as soon as Dean arrived on the

scene, he would ruin the party with his sulking and his

outbursts.

Still, the mother held on to her denial. Her husband and

the rest of the family could think what they wanted; she

knew that things would get better. Life would once again be

just like it was “in Michigan.” She even dreamed about it—

until one day her dreams turned into a nightmare.

Dean’s father was nearing retirement, and the couple,

who had saved up for years to buy a place in the mountains,

was really looking forward to it. So six months before Dad

officially retired, they called a Realtor about putting their

house on the market.

Their children knew about the plan and were excited for

them—except Dean. Though he had been living on his own

for several years, he still made his parents’ home his

headquarters. This was almost a necessity because his

violent temper had driven off every roommate and all but

the staunchest of friends.

When Dean came to his parents’ home one night and saw

the “For Sale” sign in their yard, he went berserk. He

banged on the door repeatedly, but his parents were not

home. Finally, he pulled up the sign from the front yard and

used it to bash in the front-door window. Then he proceeded

to tear up the house.

Dean’s parents returned home several hours later to find

the place in shambles—chairs overturned, lamps smashed,

a potted tree ripped from its place and replaced by the “For

Sale” sign. Upstairs and down, the house was a wreck.

Yet of all the damage Dean had done to the house, one

thing in particular broke his mother’s heart. Dean had gone

to the hall where all the family pictures hung and cut every

one of them to pieces. From baby pictures on up to their last

family portrait with all the grandchildren, each one was torn

beyond repair.

Dean’s mother, like every parent, treasured her children’s

pictures. They were beyond price to her, especially the

pictures of the family before Dean’s accident. To her, those

photos were a sign of hope that one day things would be

just like before, just like “in Michigan.”

Dean’s mother finally had to recognize and acknowledge

that just wasn’t going to happen even if Dean made a

dramatic recovery. She was forced to come to grips with the

past and take responsibility for her present problems,

instead of living with the dreams that Dean’s problems

would go away or trying to convince herself that the last ten

years of Dean’s outbursts really weren’t that bad.

How does this story apply to those who have missed out

on the blessing? Like Dean’s mother, many will try to

explain away and put off admitting the obvious in their lives.

Drawing imaginary pictures of their pasts or denying the

real problems that exist can often keep them from honestly

facing their pasts and their parents. By protecting

themselves or their parents, they effectively block their own

healing.

Dean’s mother refused to make the painful

acknowledgment that her son had a serious problem, and

she ended up suffering even more. People who put off

coming to grips with their pasts often reap the same kind of

harvest, a harvest where pain is multiplied and sorrows

doubled, all because they refused to face the legitimate

pain that comes with facing the truth.

SHINING A SPOTLIGHT ON THE PAST

John 8:32 is a Scripture verse that we require our

counselees to memorize. It records the words of Jesus: “You

shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.” The

truth about which Jesus speaks in this verse refers to

knowing him in all his purity. Christ offers no cover-ups, no

denying there is a problem when there really is one. When

we know the truth, we walk in the light that exposes

darkness and shows the way to freedom.

Many of us need to turn on truth’s searchlight and shine it

on our pasts. Only then can we be free to walk confidently

into the future. Greg was able to do this, and it paid rich

dividends in his life.

Greg was four years old when his parents told him a new

little brother or sister was on the way. As with most four-

year-olds, nine months seemed like nine years as he waited

for his new playmate.

The day finally came when Greg’s mother left for the

hospital, and he knew he wouldn’t have to wait much

longer. That next day, Greg went with his father to the

hospital to see his new baby sister. However, when Greg

came into his mother’s hospital room, he had a surprise. He

had two baby sisters, two beautiful twin girls who were

already the apples of their mother’s eye.

Greg was certainly not loved any less when the twins

came home, but life was certainly different. He now had to

share his parents’ time and attention with not only one

sister but two. When the twins got older, things became

even worse from Greg’s perspective. The same people who

stopped his mother to comment on how cute the little girls

were in their double stroller rarely lifted their eyes to notice

an older brother longing for the same affirmation.

Greg’s parents loved him deeply. In no way did they

intentionally try to overlook Greg or cater to the twins. And

Greg loved his sisters. He was the perfect big brother,

looking out for the twins and showing them the ropes when

they got into school. Yet as the years went by, even the

special bond between the twin girls became a minor source

of jealousy for Greg. He just could not compete with the

special closeness between his two look-alike sisters, and it

bothered him.

Long after he and his sisters were grown and out of the

house, Greg attended one of my seminars and heard for the

first time about the family blessing. In many ways, Greg

knew that he was loved and accepted and that his parents

tried hard to provide him the blessing. Yet in his heart of

hearts, he questioned whether he had really received it after

the twins were born. For years he had a nagging insecurity

in his life that he could trace directly back to this fact.

Greg knew that all his family would soon be gathering at

his parents’ house to celebrate the holidays. After the

conference ended, he also knew that he needed to deal

honestly with his feelings of missing out on at least a part of

the blessing. With every bit of courage he had, Greg decided

he would bring up the subject with his parents.

The first morning he was at his parents’ home, the

opportunity arose. The three of them were alone at the

breakfast table; everyone else had gone out shopping for

Christmas ornaments or a last-minute present.

Greg began talking with his parents by sharing with them

much of what he had learned about the blessing at the

seminar. The concept was new to them as well, and they

perked up and got right into the discussion.

Greg then took several minutes to praise his parents and

thank them for the way they had put several elements of

the blessing into practice. Finally, in a loving, nonaccusatory

fashion, he shared one of the deepest secrets of his heart—

his feelings of missing out on part of the blessing after the

twins came along.

As soon as Greg began sharing his concern, his mother

began to cry. Greg immediately tried to comfort her and told

her he wished he had never brought it up. “No,” said his

mother. “Please don’t be sorry. I’ve wanted to talk about this

for so long. I’ve always thought it might have bothered you,

but I didn’t know how to bring it up.”

Almost instantly Greg and his parents were drawn into

unity. They cried and laughed and hugged one another as if

they had just come together after years of being apart. In a

way, they had.

That night the now-grown children and their parents sat

down for a family council, something they hadn’t done in

years. The topic of that morning’s breakfast conversation

was shared with the twins, and they had their chance to cry,

to share, and to reaffirm their love for their brother and their

parents. Any nagging guilt they had felt over the situation

was now resolved and turned into gratitude for a

courageous older brother.

Greg’s willingness to share his feelings honestly with his

parents and his twin sisters made a big difference—if ever a

part of the blessing had been missing in his life before, it

was certainly present now. Even his employer noticed the

difference when Greg returned to work after the holidays a

far more confident man.

We can’t stress how important it is to be honest with your

feelings regarding missing the blessing. It is the important

first step to healing and restoration.

THE GIFT OF UNDERSTANDING

The next recommendation I would make to anyone who has

missed out on his or her family’s blessing is to understand

as much as possible about his or her parents’ backgrounds.

Following this one bit of advice can free many people from

wondering why they never received the blessing—

something I discovered firsthand.

For years I felt pain about the relationship I had with my

father. It would often be years between our visits, and he

never made contact on his own initiative. His silence

trapped a layer of hurt in my life that seemed untouchable .

. . until I met Uncle Max.

He was my father’s uncle—my great-uncle—but I didn’t

even know he existed until I went away to college in Texas.

Max Trent, it turned out, was the head librarian at Southern

Methodist University in Dallas. And as I got to know him, I

took a big step toward really understanding my father—

because Uncle Max told me so many stories I had never

heard before.

I discovered what life was like at home when he was

growing up. I learned much more about his war years and

the personal and alcohol-related problems he had suffered

as a result of those years. I learned that he had been

deserted by his father, just as he had later deserted us.

Learning all these things was like turning on a light in a

darkened room. I had often wondered why my father

resisted communication with us. Now I saw numerous

experiences that had shaped his behavior. I had never

understood certain patterns he developed—and then I

discovered they actually ran generations deep.

What I learned from Uncle Max was something I hope all

children will take into consideration. In the vast majority of

cases, parents who do not give the blessing to a son or a

daughter have never received it themselves.

Andrea, like me, took this advice to heart, and it totally

changed her perspective of her father. Andrea heard about

the concept of the blessing at a singles’ retreat where I

spoke. For years she had struggled with how distant her

father seemed. He was always cordial to her, and he never

raised his voice with any of the children. But what was

missing left Andrea with nagging questions about whether

she had received the blessing. Besides an occasional hug,

her father had not demonstrated, to her way of thinking,

any of the five elements of the blessing she had learned

about.

Andrea was still living at home, and she took the first

opportunity she could after the retreat to talk to her father

about what she had learned. What Andrea found out in that

conversation turned out to be a key to understanding her

father.

After her father had listened to his daughter talk about the

blessing—he was always a good listener, just not a good

talker—he cleared his throat and shared with Andrea

something of his past. Andrea had never met her

grandparents on her father’s side. They had both died a few

years before she was born. And as he had been an only

child, Andrea had no aunts and uncles to pass down the

family stories. So what her father told her now was news to

her.

Andrea’s father had grown up in England. His parents had

even held claim to a small title of nobility. And they had

their son raised with all the dignity and care afforded any

English citizen of high birth. During his early years, he had a

nanny who helped raise him, while his parents kept the

respectable distance considered proper for teaching children

discipline and manners.

His relationship with his parents was so formal that

anytime he addressed his father, it was to be prefaced by

Sir. There was no Dad, Daddy, Papa, or anything of the kind

in this household. Sir was the proper form of address. Not

surprisingly, meaningful touch was strictly taboo in that

household, and words of praise were as rare as hen’s teeth

(which, in case you weren’t raised on a farm, really are quite

scarce).

In the course of one hour, Andrea learned more about her

father’s background than she had in the nineteen previous

years. As a result of seeing how her father was raised, she

gained a new compassion and understanding for his actions

toward her and her brothers and sisters. She even found out

that, compared to his parents, her father felt he was trying

fanatically hard to make sure each of his children received

the blessing. And all the time she thought he was

withholding it.

If we will stop and take the time to look beyond our

parents’ actions during our childhoods to their pasts, it will

be time well spent. We may even come to realize they need

the blessing as badly as we do. And that realization can be

the catalyst that frees us to seek the blessing from a more

dependable source.

We shouldn’t look down and lose hope if we grew up

without the blessing. We should look up, instead, to the

incredible provision of a blessing that can leave our lives

overflowing, the kind of blessing that can even replace a

curse with contentment.

FOURTEEN

Reversing the Curse

SOME CHILDREN HAVE difficulty relating to the entire

concept of a family blessing because, from their

perspective, they haven’t just missed a blessing; they have

actually received a curse. Something in their past has

blocked the flow of good things into their life. Can such

people ever move past this hurt and pain and genuinely feel

loved and accepted?

If you had asked Helen this question four years ago, her

answer would have been an emphatic no. In her mind, the

pain she had endured from an abusive father had forever

trapped her in a cycle of insecurity, fear, and unrest. Many

times she had considered seeking a permanent solution to

her pain, but she never quite mustered the courage to go

through with it.

No one had to pay Helen’s father to curse her. He seemed

to enjoy making her life miserable. In fact, Helen would

linger at the school library or stay at a friend’s house as

long as she could to avoid going home in the evenings. She

would always hope her father had passed out from drinking

too much. But all too often he was awake and propped up in

front of the TV when she walked through the door. Then his

“fun” would begin.

“Come over and give your father a hug,” he would say

when Helen tried to sneak past the living room door. She

had no place to hide in her home. Her mother worked nights

(and often stayed away during the day as well), and Helen

was often left alone with her father. Without going into

tragic details, Helen was repeatedly subjected to the

physical abuse of a sick father. Always careful that he didn’t

leave visible marks, day by day he left heart-wrenching

scars on his daughter’s inner life.

Spending so many evenings in the library to avoid her

father paid an unexpected dividend to Helen. She graduated

near the top of her high-school class and gladly accepted a

scholarship to an out-of-state college. However, physical

distance does not equal emotional distance. Even though

she was miles away in another state, Helen still spent way

too much mental time in that living room next to her father.

Only after a number of years was Helen finally able to

come to grips with her tragic past. She learned for the first

time from a caring friend that God could take a curse from

the past and turn it into a blessing. What Helen learned

about God’s family blessing is what we would like to share

with you now.

THE POWER OF A CURSE

In biblical times, there was no mistaking the terrible power

of a curse. It could freeze people in fear or drive them from

a place of safety.

When David first met Goliath, the army of Israel was

paralyzed by this giant’s size and his evil words. Every day,

Goliath would storm out and curse both the people of Israel

and the Lord God. He kept the curses coming when young

David went out to meet him. “Am I a dog, that thou comest

to me with [sticks]?” he shouted at the youth. And then, for

good measure, he “cursed David by his gods” (1 Sam. 17:43

KJV).

Years before that, when the Moabites realized that Israel

had come up and camped against them, their king had

summoned Balaam, a powerful warlock, and hired him to

“curse . . . this people . . . that we may smite them, and . . .

drive them out of the land” (Num. 22:6 KJV, italics added).

In Old Testament times, people took the power of a curse

seriously. We should too. Because for people like Alan, the

curse is real.

Alan grew up with a giant in his home. While his father’s

six-foot-three frame might not qualify him as Goliath, it

certainly made him a giant to one small child who faced this

man’s terrifying anger. Alan would shudder in fear as his

father towered over him and cursed him with angry

explosions that inevitably left him in tears, often with toys

shattered, and always feeling helpless.

Today Alan is taller than his father, but he still feels

mouse-sized. The fear, anger, and hurt that were trapped in

Alan’s life caused him to struggle with truly feeling loved

and accepted by God and all others in his life.

In Hebrew the word curse means to consider something of

little value or worth. Like mist or steam, it is something of so

little weight that, like a worthless irritation, it is to be

brushed aside. In Old Testament times nothing was as

powerful as a curse—except for one thing: a more powerful

blessing.

Perhaps you, like Helen or Alan, feel cursed because of

your childhood. In the next few pages we look at what a

curse can do to you, how you can break its hold on your life,

and who holds the only power to truly set you free.

CONSEQUENCES OF A CURSE

Living under a curse from a parent often leaves three tragic

consequences that directly affect a person’s future. A brief

understanding of these three consequences and how to

move beyond them is crucial if we are to ever learn to give

and receive the blessing.

Consequence #1: Learned Hopelessness

The first common effect of living under a curse is

illustrated in a research study done years ago at the

University of Pennsylvania. Researchers made a surprising

observation concerning animals. (Thankfully, such studies

are forbidden by law today.)

For several months researchers conducted two

independent studies with laboratory dogs. One group was

put in a maze with various hurdles to climb over to reach

their food. The average hungry dog would navigate quickly

around the barriers and in under a minute would be

chomping on dog biscuits.

At the same time another group of dogs were subjected to

a pain tolerance test. These dogs were put in immovable,

inescapable full-body harnesses and then subjected to

strong electrical shocks—sixty-four random shocks in a

sixty-minute period. Unable to move or to predict when the

shocks would come, they were held prisoner in a painful

situation.

With the pain study concluded researchers decided to use

these same animals to run another maze test the next day.

The scientists predicted that the dogs would quickly jump

the barriers and get their food as the dogs before them did.

Instead, when they ran into the first barrier, they simply lay

down. Even when they were shocked to “motivate” them to

jump over the barrier and move toward the food, they

simply hunkered down, sat still, and endured the pain.

These dogs had not been critically, physically harmed by

the shocks they had received. They had both the strength

and the intelligence to get over the obstacles. But what had

been shocked out of them was confidence, the willingness

to even try. They had learned to be hopeless.

What were the conclusions drawn from these and a

number of related studies? Namely, that uncontrollable,

prolonged, negative experiences can freeze an animal,

making him passive, pessimistic, and withdrawn in the face

of obstacles.1

Drawing conclusions from animal research and applying

them to the more complex reasoning of humans can be

risky. But our experience in counseling, especially with those

who have received a curse from their parents, shows some

sobering comparisons.

There is no question that a major trauma, like losing a job

or being mugged, can deeply affect us. And for some of us,

the trauma of being cursed instead of blessed by our

parents not only marks our pasts but immobilizes us as we

face the future. It teaches us to be hopeless. Instead of

actively trying to solve our problems, we can become

passive, dependent, and depressed. And unfortunately, we

can also live out two other negative responses to a curse.

Consequence #2: Chronic Pessimism

If we have labored under a curse from our parents, in

addition to feeling a deep inner hopelessness when we face

later trials, we can also begin to feel that there is absolutely

nothing we can do to improve our situation. Pessimism

becomes a habit.

Take Brian for example. He was the older son of a man

who favored the younger. In Brian’s thinking, if Dad had to

make a choice, he should have bonded with him, not his

little brother. He wore his heart out trying to please his

father. But no matter how far he stretched toward the man,

he could never reach the arms of acceptance he wanted.

In this climate of unfair comparison and favoritism, Brian

made a subtle but terribly damaging decision. Deep inside,

he equated his missed blessing with something he could

never become—younger. And because he focused on

something that could never happen as his key to future

happiness, he became a committed pessimist in the

present. He eventually pushed himself right into clinical

depression!

The defining mark of a pessimist is to look backward.2 For

example, a pessimist looks back, wanting to be younger,

while an optimist looks forward and wishes he or she were

older! By never being able to forget what lies behind,

pessimists stay stuck in their pain, rather than looking

forward to a positive future.

Listen to a more humorous example of someone who

illustrates this point. It is taken from an actual letter we

received.

I’m thirty-four years old, and I’ve been married three times. (Not

my fault; always seem to pick losers.) My problem is my hair . . .

or lack of it.

I know that many men feel there’s nothing wrong with being

bald, but I do. I started losing my hair when I was in high school

and have since tried everything I know to stop what’s happening

to me. I know that my first wife left me because of my hair. My

latest wife even told me straight out that I was obsessed with

my hair, and that was why she was leaving. My lack of hair is

ruining my life! I went to a plastic surgeon recently and offered

to pay him, in advance, to transplant whatever skin I needed to

fix my hair. All he did was insult me by saying that I shouldn’t

waste my money on scalp surgery, but should spend the money

on a psychiatrist!

I’m sure that doctor wasn’t a Christian. That’s why I’m writing

you to ask your advice. . . .

When it comes to facing the future, this man has a major

problem. In his mind (or actually on top of his mind) is

something that forever keeps him from finishing first in life

or even coming in a strong second. He simply can’t picture a

successful future for himself without thick, curly locks of

hair. And by picking out something that he is powerless to

change and making it the source of all his problems, he

directly affects his future.

If we have labored under a curse that makes us feel

powerless and if we believe the only key to change is

forever out of our reach, there is a final consequence.

Consequence #3: Lonely Withdrawal

During the experiment we described earlier, the dogs who

had been shocked were verbally, then physically,

encouraged to jump the barrier when they ran the maze.

But it didn’t help. They drew so far into an inner, protective

shell that the fear of more pain made them oblivious to

outside encouragement.

We have seen this same type of behavior so often in

people we’ve counseled.

Take just one example. Jim remembers a Sunday when he

was nine years old and sitting next to one of his friends at

the back of the church. His father was the preacher and, in

the middle of his sermon, he saw the two boys whispering to

each other. Suddenly the father’s voice rang out through the

church, ordering his son to come up front. Before the entire

congregation, he laid into Jim about what a disrespectful

and dishonoring son he was. Then he stopped the service,

took Jim outside (but in full view of the congregation from

the windows), and gave him a whipping he’s never

forgotten.

Many years later Jim still carried the effects of many

episodes like this where he received a curse, not a blessing,

from his father. As an extension of the pain and

powerlessness he felt as a child, he would become almost

comatose if his wife spoke in anger, asked for change, or

said anything that could be remotely interpreted as

criticism. When he saw her negative words coming, he

would beat a hasty inner retreat. And instead of responding

to her pleas for help, he just pulled further inside—which

made her even more vocal and frustrated.

Needless to say, Jim’s withdrawal contributed to a deep

sense of loneliness and isolation for both husband and wife.

By the time the two of them got into counseling, their

marriage was crumbling.

If we believe our efforts do not count, if the key to change

seems out of reach, and if we feel a deep sense of

loneliness and isolation, chances are we are still laboring

under a curse from the past. But there is a power stronger

than any curse.

If you missed out on the blessing during your childhood or

even felt cursed by what happened to you as a child—or if

someone you love struggles with these issues—be sure and

visit TheBlessing.com for additional hope and help.

WHAT IT TAKES TO REVERSE A CURSE

There was a power that young David drew on that kept his

heart from freezing in fear when cursed by Goliath. And

when the mighty warlock Balaam was hired to curse God’s

people, someone acted to not only frustrate Balaam’s words

but to turn them completely around.

Who was it? The prophet Nehemiah gave the answer

centuries later, at the dedication of the wall in rebuilt

Jerusalem after Israel returned home from captivity. He told

the great story of someone even more powerful than

Balaam who could not only stop but also reverse the curse:

Almighty God. We are told that God not only frustrated

Balaam’s effort but also “turned the curse into a blessing”

(Deut. 23:5 KJV).

Turning wrongs around is something God specializes in,

particularly for those who have received a curse in their

homes as children. But how? Briefly, here are three

necessary elements for lifting a curse from a life.

Curse Lifter #1: A Commitment

If some of us have learned to be hopeless through

shouldering a curse in the past, then the first step toward

reversing the curse and learning to be hopeful comes from

making a wholehearted commitment.

Several years ago I worked with a man who had carried

the curse of hurtful words for years. While it’s driven him to

succeed, it’s never left him with a moment’s inner rest or

peace. As part of our conversations I asked him clearly if he

had ever truly committed his life to Jesus Christ.

“Absolutely,” he said. And while he had only recently trusted

Christ, he bore a strong, convicting testimony.

“Do you want to be the husband and father God would

have you be? And are you willing to do whatever it takes to

be the man God wants you to be?” Again, the answers were

a resounding yes.

“Would you put that commitment in writing?” I asked. And

he did.

Since that day, for more than a decade now, that single

sheet of paper has hung in his office. For him it has been an

important milestone in overcoming the curse he has been

under.

One of my favorite verses in all of Scripture, and the first I

memorized as a new Christian, is 2 Corinthians 5:17: “If

anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have

passed away; behold, all things have become new.” A key to

sorting out the inner confusion that comes with receiving a

curse is making clear, definite commitments. Then once we

have made those commitments, we begin to gain the

following characteristics.

Curse Lifter #2: Self-Worth and Self-Control

One glaring problem that surfaces for those I counsel who

have grown up with a curse is a lack of self-control. And not

surprisingly the degree of self-control in an individual is

directly proportional to his or her self-worth.

The lower the value we have of ourselves (remember, the

word for curse literally means “of little value”), the less

energy we will have to discipline our attitudes, appetites,

and actions. We will reward ourselves with junk food,

instead of consistently exercising; let five hours a night go

by before we finally turn off the television and stumble into

bed; or procrastinate on those things we must do at work.

Out of strong commitments comes renewed energy to

view ourselves differently, more positively, and we gain

more self-discipline and self-worth as a result. And that

positive result is increased as we gain something else.

Curse Lifter #3: A Clear Challenge

For those of us who have labored under a curse, our God

can break its impact on our lives, renew our commitments,

and restore the energy to be self-disciplined. One way he

does that is to give us a clear challenge.

Many studies have shown how crucial it is to maintain a

clear purpose and challenge in life. In fact, many of these

studies center on the fact that the only challenge most men

have is their work. That’s why the average man in the

United States dies within three years of retirement! (A

classic example was Coach Bear Bryant, the great University

of Alabama coach who died three weeks after retiring from

over fifty years of coaching football.)

The Scripture is true, “Where there is no vision, the people

perish” (Prov. 29:18 KJV). Yet the future painted for many

people who have grown up with a curse is anything but

clear. What they need is a purpose, something to work

toward, a reason to move forward.

How clear is your purpose in life? Do you have a challenge

that is big enough to last a lifetime? To move you forward

each day? You do if you are seeking to give the blessing to

others. For one of the most powerful ways of reversing a

curse you’ve received is to give the blessing to others.

For the Lord, the opposite of the curse was giving his

children the blessing. As his servants we are called to be a

blessing to all the earth. The elements of the blessing that

we have detailed in this book provide you with a simple,

biblical plan to bless your children, spouse, friends, and

others.

Commitment, self-control, and a significant, therapeutic

challenge to be a blessing—these are the three things that

can help break the negative cycle of the curse. They are the

very things God desires for your life.

Look at God’s Word to see just what kind of future he calls

you to. As he looks at you, he sees a future totally free from

a curse: “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you,

says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give

you a future and a hope” (Jer. 29:11).

To give you this future he calls you to commitment. He

confirms your self-worth and moves you toward self-control.

And he challenges you to do something great in your life—to

share the blessing. But he offers you the gift of his blessing

as well—his spiritual family blessing that can reverse the

curse and open the door to overflowing blessings in your

life. All you have to do is trust in him, and he will do the

rest.

AN OPEN DOOR OF BLESSING

Some children, like Helen, will never hear words of love or

acceptance from their parents. Others, like Alan, will try and

fail to break down the door to their parents’ hearts and

receive the blessing. For whatever reason they have to face

the fact that their blessings will have to come from another

source.

When Helen finally realized this and turned to listen to the

voice of her heavenly Father calling her, she discovered an

open door of blessing. She found a spiritual family blessing

that provided her with every element she had missed while

growing up. This blessing was the key to reversing her curse

—just as it is for any believer.

As Believers, Our Spiritual Parentage Is Secure

Helen was never secure in her relationship with her father.

His anger and abuse had frozen within her heart a sense of

mistrust and insecurity. Yet when Helen trusted Jesus Christ

as her Lord and Savior, she found that she had a source of

blessing that would be with her each day of her life and

beyond! Helen discovered verses like these that speak of

how stable and kind her heavenly Father is and how

permanent her relationship is with him:

My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me.

And I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; neither

shall anyone snatch them out of My hand. (John 10:27–28)

And Jesus came and spoke to them, saying, “. . . Lo, I am with

you always, even to the end of the age.” (Matt. 28:18, 20)

For He Himself has said, “I WILL NEVER DESERT YOU, NOR WILL I

EVER FORSAKE YOU,” so that we confidently say, “THE LORDIS

MY HELPER, I WILL NOT BE AFRAID. WHAT SHALL MAN DO TO

ME?” (Heb. 13:5–6 NASB)

The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me, because the LORD has

anointed me to bring good news to the afflicted; He has sent me

to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to captives,

and freedom to prisoners; . . . to comfort all who mourn, . . .

giving them a garland instead of ashes, the oil of gladness

instead of mourning, the mantle of praise instead of a spirit of

fainting. So they will be called oaks of righteousness, the

planting of the LORD, that He may be glorified. (Isa. 61:1–3

NASB)

The first thing Helen had to consider when she came

home at night was what kind of mood her father would be

in. One night it would be anger, the next indifference, and

occasionally he could even be very nice. His vacillations

kept her off balance, leaving her insecure and questioning

herself. Now she had a relationship with a heavenly Father

characterized by the words “Jesus Christ is the same

yesterday and today, yes and forever” (Heb. 13:8 NASB).

Those who have personally believed in Jesus and trusted

their lives to him have a secure relationship with their

heavenly Father. Yet there is even more to God’s spiritual

family blessing that they receive when they trust their lives

to him.

As Believers We Gain a Spiritual Family to Bless Us

In chapter 6 we told the story about a little girl who was

very scared and needed “someone with skin on” to hug her.

As we saw in that chapter, our Lord knows all about our

need for meaningful touch. He also knows our need for the

physical companionship of others to build up our lives and

encourage us.

That is why when we accept Christ, we gain not only a

secure relationship with our heavenly Father, but we join an

entire family of brothers and sisters in Christ! Men and

women “with skin on” who can hug us and hold us and

communicate God’s love, wisdom, and blessing to us!

In many ways the early church provided a very good

model for us to follow. They were often in each other’s

homes (the earliest churches started in homes) and shared

meals together. They were literally a family of the faith, and

that is just how Paul expected Timothy to treat the believers

he met. Listen to the counsel this noted apostle gave his

younger charge: “Do not rebuke an older man, but exhort

him as a father, younger men as brothers, older women as

mothers, younger women as sisters, with all purity” (1 Tim.

5:1–2, italics added).

Timothy was not related to these people by physical birth,

but Paul pointed out clearly that he was related to them

through spiritual birth. They all shared the same heavenly

Father, and they were all necessary members of one

another.

For both Gary and me, this principle of having spiritual

family has been a tremendous personal help, particularly

the way God used an older man in each of our lives to

become a spiritual father to us in times of need.

Gary was in college when his father died, leaving a huge

vacuum in his life. At this crossroads period in his life, a

godly man named Rod Toews stepped in and became a

spiritual father. Rod is a nationally prominent speaker and

Christian educator. He could have easily let his busy

schedule crowd out time for a hurting collegian. However,

Rod attached high value to Gary and took him under his

wing to shepherd and support him. Both verbally and by his

presence at a critical time, Rod gave Gary the blessing that

was missing after his natural father had died.

I was a freshman in high school when I met a man who

would become my spiritual father. Doug Barram, at the time

a Young Life area director, had come to watch a freshman

football game. Besides a few parents who were dyed-in-the-

wool fans, nobody goes to freshman football games. Yet

Doug was there, standing along the sidelines at every

game, offering words of encouragement to a young man

who had not yet heard about Christ.

In the years that followed, this man took a fatherly

interest in my two brothers and me, giving spiritual support

to three boys from a single-parent home who very much

needed it. Each brother and even my mother would

eventually come to know Jesus Christ—and all because of

Doug’s deep love for his Savior, a love that was reflected in

his fatherly love for us.

To return to Helen’s story, she had a similar experience in

learning how God’s family can become a source of the

missing blessing she sought. In her case, that blessing came

with a spiritual sister she met at work.

Helen worked in the accounting department of a major oil

company. When a woman at the office retired, Karen came

to take her place. Karen was a committed Christian who had

prayed God would provide the opportunity for her to share

his love with someone in her new office. That someone

turned out to be Helen.

Karen was a mystery to Helen at first. She always seemed

to have such a positive attitude and calm spirit, even when

there was great pressure at work. Perhaps more than

anything, it was Karen’s inner peace and lack of anxiety that

made Helen want to be around her.

Soon Karen and Helen had struck up a friendship and were

sharing stories about the rigors of dating and their

frustrations at work. But Karen also began sharing with

Helen the good news about a heavenly Father that Helen

could come to know. At first Helen didn’t want anything to

do with such talk. She had had enough of fathers to last a

lifetime. Yet gradually, in spite of herself, the Holy Spirit

worked through Karen’s life to draw Helen to a saving

knowledge of Christ.

Karen took Helen to church with her for the first time in

Helen’s adult life. Helen couldn’t believe what happened.

She was asked to stand up as a visitor, and she was greeted

by the pastor. After church a number of people stopped her

to say they were glad she had come. One elderly lady even

hugged her. Helen then went with Karen to the singles’

Sunday school class. People shared prayer requests before a

short message; then they actually held hands and prayed

for one another.

Helen found people who had never laid eyes on her

treating her like a sister and encouraging her to come back.

For the first time in her life, she saw the source of blessing a

church family could be, and God used that experience

literally to change her life.

Any person who has missed out on all or part of their

parents’ blessing—even one whose experience as a child

qualified as a curse—can acquire a spiritual family of

fathers, mothers, brothers, and sisters to fill the void and

help heal the wounds. With a secure personal relationship

with a heavenly Father and a spiritual family that offers

warmth, love, and acceptance, every element of the

blessing can be ours.

As Believers We Are Called to Give the Blessing

Just in case you have forgotten (or are one of those

readers who begin a book in the middle), let’s review the

five elements of the blessing:

1. Meaningful touch

2. A spoken (or written) message

3. Attaching high value

4. Picturing a special future

5. An active commitment

Karen provided each element of the blessing to Helen, and

it brought Helen to the Savior and to his church. By

introducing Helen to a loving group of friends at church,

Karen was able to see her blessing multiplied as many

people took an interest in Helen’s life.

God has equipped the church, the local body of believers,

to provide each aspect of the blessing to people in need.

Where churches are growing, you will find a body of

believers who are practicing these five elements of the

blessing. These are also the churches that are drawing in

the unsaved, not simply luring other believers away from

the church down the street.

That was the kind of church Helen found herself part of—

and three years of being part of that congregation brought

tremendous changes for her. She had gone from feeling

isolated and alone to feeling truly blessed for the first time

in her life. Helen could finally rest in the shelter of her caring

friends at church and forget about the past, right?

Not quite. Her life still needed to go full circle.

Helen had received God’s blessing from others. Now she

needed to become a source of blessing to others around

her. And she did! For the first time in her life, she began to

think of her coworkers and the people in the office and at

her apartment building in terms of what she could give to

them, not just what she needed from them. Because her life

was filled with God’s blessing through his Spirit and his

people, she could love and serve them without expecting

something in return.

Helen had eaten fully and drunk deeply from the feast of

life God had provided her in his blessing. However, one final

thing was left for Helen to do if she truly wanted to be free

from her past. She needed to become a source of blessing

not only to her friends and acquaintances at church and at

work, but to her enemies as well—and one enemy in

particular.

For Believers, Blessing Means Forgiving

As incredible as it may seem, Helen needed to become a

source of blessing to her father—the very one who had

caused her so much pain and had caused her to begin to

search for acceptance in the first place.

“Couldn’t I just skip over this part?” Helen asked her

pastor when she learned about her need to bless her father.

Yet in her heart of hearts she knew she would never be truly

free of his grip over her life until she could do this.

It took her awhile to get there. She had to go from

adamant refusal to quiet acquiescence to firm resolve to

wanting to chicken out at the last minute and finally to

getting on a plane to go see him.

It turned out to be the second most meaningful day in her

life.

Her most meaningful day was when she met the Lord

Jesus, the One who changed her life by meeting her missing

need for him and giving her his love and acceptance and

blessing. Coming to Christ also gave her a spiritual family to

bless her in the present and provided her with the power to

truly break free from the yoke of the past.

Jesus is the person who can change our lives and the lives

of loved ones who are struggling without the blessing by

providing us and them with God’s spiritual family blessing—

a blessing that is not just for parents and their children but

can enrich marriages, intimate friendships, and relationships

within the church family.

You have made it through another section. For a video

message from Dr. Trent about missed blessings and healing,

be sure and visit TheBlessing.com/Chapter 14.

PART 4

Living the Blessing

Challenge

FIFTEEN

First Steps: A Written Blessing

THE TWO THIN, watermarked sheets of white stationery are

now folded down into a small square. I carry them in the

safest zippered part of my backpack, which goes with me

everywhere. The writing on the paper is starting to fade,

and I keep promising myself that I’m going to make a copy

of it. But I haven’t done it yet—because the paper was his.

The writing in black pen was his. The words I had longed to

hear all my life were his.

Those two small sheets headed simply by a date:

December 1986. They contain some of the most

encouraging words I have ever received—a blessing beyond

price to me. They came to me unexpectedly. But they are an

example of something we are going to challenge you to

think about, plan out, and pray over.

You have now spent a number of chapters understanding

how important the blessing can be. You have gained a clear

picture of each of its five elements and their impact on a

person’s life and future. Now it’s time for ground school to

end and flight school to begin. We believe you are ready to

fly solo and soar now. In this chapter we ask you to take

your first step of the blessing challenge by first writing out a

formal blessing for your child and then sharing it with him or

her.

WHY WRITE?

As we have seen in earlier chapters, both the spoken word

and the written word are important in giving the blessing.

For several reasons, however, we are suggesting that you

put your words of blessing into written form first, before you

share them out loud with your child.

First of all, ideally, your written blessing will also be

spoken—we will include ideas for doing that below. But

writing your words out first can take away a lot of pressure.

You have the opportunity to put the words together at your

leisure. You can double-check that you have included all the

elements of the blessing and that your words convey

exactly what you want. And if your words have been chosen

ahead of time, when you do speak your blessing, you can

concentrate on connecting with your child.

Another reason to write out your blessing, though, is that

a written blessing can be saved. The words can be read and

reread, and the paper it is written on can be tucked away as

a keepsake. (Even e-mailed blessings can be stored and

reread.) Written blessings can also be sent by letter or e-

mail and thus cover great distances. A written blessing has

the capacity to bring warmth and light and love to your child

again and again throughout his or her life—far beyond the

mere ink marks on paper.

That’s what the letter I carry in my backpack does for me.

But to understand that, you need to hear a little more of the

story. It is about my Uncle Max, whom I mentioned in an

earlier chapter.

I met Uncle Max when I moved from my home state of

Arizona to attend Texas Christian University (home of the

mighty “Frogs”) in the city of Fort Worth. In one of my

English composition classes, I was assigned a topic for a

major paper by my professor. The only problem was after he

assigned the topic, he told me our library at TCU didn’t have

what I needed to complete it.

“Do you have a car?” the professor asked. When I replied

that I did, he explained that the best place for finding

information on my topic was to drive to nearby Dallas and

use the library at Southern Methodist University. Apparently,

they had a “plethora” of articles and books on the subject.

Not sure exactly what a plethora looked like, I made the

drive on a Saturday and parked next to a beautiful redbrick

library. (The whole campus at SMU is beautiful.) I walked

inside and was headed toward the reference desk when I

saw it—a nameplate on a glass door, right next to the

reference desk. The nameplate read, “Robert M. Trent, Head

Librarian.”

The door was almost all the way open, and a man was

sitting inside—presumably the head librarian himself.

Spontaneously, I thought of something funny to do. I

stopped, stuck my head in the door, and said, “Hi, Uncle

Bob. I’m your long-lost nephew, John Trent, from Arizona.”

It was a totally throwaway line. Sure, we shared the same

last name, but I had no reason to believe we were actually

related. I was sure he would just look puzzled or slightly

annoyed at being interrupted, and either response would

have been fine with me. What I wasn’t ready for was his

next question:

“Are you Joe Trent’s boy?”

I was dumbfounded. You see, at that point, I had

essentially no relationship with my father. I had met him

only once, and not under the most encouraging

circumstances. And I knew exactly none of my relatives on

my father’s side of the family. I did know my father was from

Indiana, but the possibility that he had relatives in Texas had

never crossed my mind. So walking right into the office of

my great-uncle—my father’s uncle—was a total shock.

I soon learned that he went by Max, not Robert, and he

was extremely gracious to invite me into his office for a

conversation. After we talked a good while, he picked up the

phone and called his wife—my Aunt Sally, it turned out. To

my surprise, while he was on the phone, he asked Aunt Sally

if she had cooked enough to invite me home for dinner, and

then he held the phone down and asked me if I would join

them. So began a relationship that became one of the most

important in all my life.

Uncle Max and Aunt Sally had no kids. They had books.

Both held PhDs from Columbia University, and both were

head librarians—she at the Dallas Public Library and he at

SMU. Over the next twelve years, during my college,

seminary, and graduate school days, they became my Texas

family. They would invite me over for holidays if I couldn’t

go home to Arizona and have me over often for a weekend

meal. Uncle Max spent hours talking to me about my father

—opening up doors into his life that I had never been aware

of and never would have discovered from any conversation I

ever had with Dad.

It was Uncle Max, for instance, who told me that my father

had been abandoned by his father—what a shock that he

would grow up and do the same thing to my brothers and

me. Uncle Max also told me about my father’s war

experience and its aftermath—the Bronze and Silver Stars

he earned from fighting at Guadalcanal, the wounds that

sent him home more dead then alive, the nightmares that

drove him to drink. As I learned more about my father’s life,

I found it harder and harder to hate him. In fact, I owe it all

to Uncle Max that I finally met with my father and asked

forgiveness for being so angry with him for so long. Not so

he would change—he didn’t—but so that I could untie the

knot and be free from hating him.

Uncle Max and Aunt Sally helped me a lot during those

years, including modeling for me something I had never

seen up close—a good marriage. Then came that terrible

day when a double-wheeled wrecker hit Aunt Sally, sending

her to the hospital in critical condition. Uncle Max and I

arrived at almost the same time. On top of her traumatic

injuries, she had also suffered a heart attack from all the

pain and stress of the accident.

Uncle Max had given me so much in terms of warmth and

love and information and understanding. Now I had a

chance to give back what I could to him. For four days and

nights I stayed with him at Baylor Hospital, praying the

whole time. Praying for him. And praying for Aunt Sally, who

was his whole life—and who, we had been told, wouldn’t

make it through the first night.

But she did make it through that first day and night. Then

a second. Then a third. And then the doctor came into the

waiting room where we were sleeping on the fourth

morning. He told us that he had just finished his early

morning rounds and that Aunt Sally was going to be all

right. In fact, it was miraculous the way she had rallied.

Uncle Max and I hugged and cried, and I prayed and

thanked the Lord for his grace in healing Aunt Sally. Then

Uncle Max asked me to pray one more time. Actually, first,

he asked me to explain to him more clearly just who I had

been praying to those four days. And then he wanted me to

pray again as he accepted Jesus into his heart so he could

thank him for Aunt Sally’s healing too.

Four years later Aunt Sally passed away in her sleep. By

that time I had moved back to Arizona. But Uncle Max and I

stayed close. We talked often, and I would see him

whenever I was in Dallas.

Then one day, out of the blue, I got a letter—the same

two-page note I still carry in my backpack. “Dear John,” it

began, “I know it is going to come as a surprise to learn that

I have drawn up a living will. . . .”

He went on to detail his last wishes and give me

instructions for retrieving his will from the lawyer. That’s

how I found out Uncle Max was dying of cancer. But then on

the second page, in the last paragraph, come those

incredible words of blessing—those unexpected words I

have treasured and carried with me every day since.

“Thank you, John,” he wrote. “You have helped me so

much in the past. I am sure you will continue to do so—

because you are my son. Affectionately, Max.”

I carried my biological father’s name, but he never chose

to call me son. Uncle Max did that. And even as he told me

he was dying, he chose to give me his blessing. With those

words, in some incredible way, I was an emotional orphan

no more. I was a chosen son. And I knew it because Uncle

Max had made the choice to write out his blessing to me.

That is the choice I would like you to make as well.

WHAT DO I SAY?

Keep in mind that there is no wrong way to craft a blessing,

and there are lots of creative right ways. And whether it

comes out all at once in a rush of words or takes you a few

tries and several evenings to outline and polish what you

want to say, your child will cherish both what you write and

what it represents about your relationship.

How you actually do the writing depends on what you are

comfortable with. Some people work best in pencil on a

yellow legal pad. Others can’t even think without a word

processor. You could even talk into a voice recorder and

then transcribe your words.

Do you have more questions about composing your blessing?

Check out the “Frequently Asked Questions” section on

TheBlessing.com. If that doesn’t answer your question, be

sure and write us—you will find contact information on the

site as well. Who knows? Your question may even become our

featured Question of the Week.

And what should you say? Your words can be plain or

poetic. They just need to carry with them a picture of your

blessing that can help your child know that he or she is of

high value to you. Here are a couple of examples to inspire

you:

A Poetic Blessing

If you lean toward the creative or romantic side, then

perhaps you can draw inspiration from this letter of blessing

below. It was written by a father to his young daughter and

given to her on June 11, 1948, when she was twelve years

old. Today, more than fifty years later, it is still very much

worth reading. I’ll share the letter first; then I’ll tell you who

wrote it:

Dearest Joanne,

Those beautiful quaking aspens that you’ve seen in the forest

as we have driven along have one purpose in life. I would like to

tell you about them because they remind me a lot of Mommy

and you kids and me.

Those aspens are born and grown just to protect the spruce

tree when it’s born. As the spruce tree grows bigger and bigger

the aspens gradually grow old and tired and they even die after

while. But the spruce, which has had its tender self protected in

its childhood, grows into one of the forest’s most wonderful

trees.

Now think about Mommy and me as aspens standing there

quaking ourselves in the winds that blow, catching the cold

snows of life, bearing the hot rays of the sun, all to protect you

from those things until you are strong enough and wise enough

to do them yourself. We aren’t quaking from fear, but from the

joy of being able to see your life develop and grow into tall

straight men and women.

Just like the spruce, you have almost reached the point where

you don’t need us as much as you used to. Now you stand, like

the young spruce, a pretty, straight young thing whose head is

beginning to peep above the protection of Mommy and Daddy’s

watchfulness. . . .

I am telling you all this because from now on a lot of what you

eventually become—a lovely woman, a happy woman and a

brilliant, popular woman—depends on you.

You can’t go through life being these things and at the same

time frowning. You can’t achieve these things and be grumpy.

You have to grow so that your every deed and look reflect the

glory that is now in your heart and soul.

Smile. Think right. Believe in God and His worldwide forest of

men and women.

It’s up to you.

I love you, Daddy 1

That’s quite a letter, isn’t it? In fact, in reflecting on it, his

daughter Joanne states, “I still cry every time I read it. He

was a master with words. He was a romantic.”

And who was Joanne’s father? He wasn’t a poet, pastor, or

teacher. He was a politician—Barry Goldwater. In fact, he is

usually named as among the most hard-nosed of politicians.

When he ran for president in the 1960s, he was demonized

and said to be heartless. But that is not the side his

daughter saw.

My point here isn’t political. It is deeply personal. It’s

about the words that Goldwater wrote to his young daughter

at a turning point in her life. I’m not saying Goldwater knew

about the five elements of the blessing as he wrote them—

but reread it and just look at how many elements are there.

He pictures for her a positive future. He praises his

daughter in words that demonstrate a genuine commitment.

He attaches high value to her even during a difficult period

in her life. (For most of us, keeping a good attitude during

adolescence is tough.) With the exception of meaningful

touch—which is hard to provide in a letter if he didn’t hand

it to her or sit next to her while she read it—that letter

includes every element of the biblical blessing. No wonder it

still means so much to her.

So feel free, in writing your blessing for your child, to be

poetic like that hard-nosed politician. But don’t worry if you

are more the practical, straightforward sort. You don’t have

to be a poet to give a meaningful blessing—as another

letter shows us.

Practical Words of Praise

“Dear Michael,” writes an engineer who thought long and

hard before writing out a much more practical but just as

precious letter to his newborn son:

As I sit beside you, and read you this letter today, I hope you’ll

know how much time and thought I’ve put into each word. After

all, it’s been nine long months, one week, and two days since we

found out you were coming! I want you to know, today and

always, that we prayed for you before you were born. That every

day you were in Mommy’s tummy, we prayed for you. And I

want you to know that on this day when they handed you to me,

the day of your birth, I had tears in my eyes and had to sit down,

I was so filled with joy. We are so grateful to God for you, and so

committed to being the best parents we can for you and God.

This letter is the first official “birthday blessing” letter that I’m

committed to writing you. Each year, as God gives me strength

and life, I’ll write more about why I love you, why you’re so

special to me, and why I’m so glad and honored to be your dad.

Your Dad 2

You would think there wouldn’t be very many words to

bless a child only a few hours old, but that letter says so

much so well. And so will your letter to your child. Whether

your child is twelve years or twelve hours, whether your

blessing is handwritten or typed out, whether you can write

elegant prose or can barely spell—none of that matters. It’s

the words that count, and the time is now!

SHARING YOUR BLESSING WITH YOUR CHILD

Once you have written your words of blessing, we

encourage you to talk with your spouse (if you’re married)

and pick a special time and place to share these words with

your child. If at all possible, do it face-to-face. Pick a

meaningful time, place, or event—a family affair with lots of

friends and relatives, a milestone celebration such as a birth

or graduation, or a quiet dinner with just the two of you. Just

make sure that it is at a time and place that allows you to

be quiet long enough to read or recite the blessing you have

written to your son or daughter.

Don’t forget to include the element of meaningful,

appropriate touch along with your blessing—a hand on the

head, an arm around the shoulder, and hopefully a big hug.

You might even want to snap a picture of the two of you

together or give the child a keepsake copy of your blessing

done in a special font, calligraphy, or just your best

handwriting.

What if you can’t be physically present—if you are

deployed overseas, for instance, or divorced and living

across the country? If you will be together soon, why not

write out your blessing now and wait until you are together

to deliver it? But don’t wait too long. You can always write

out your blessing in your best handwriting or format it on

the computer and put it in the mail. You could even do a

video of your blessing and e-mail it to your child or do the

whole thing via Skype.

Keep in mind that there is no wrong way of giving a child

your blessing. Even if you choose to do a special dinner and

burn the hamburgers, if it rains on the one night you have

counted on a starlit sky, if the dog decides to throw up just

before the special event or the camera batteries fail, it

doesn’t really matter. If you will write down your words and

make your plans, I believe you will find that God just works

it out!

The fact that your child receives your blessing is far more

important than any challenges you face in delivering it. It is

your blessing, prepared just for him or her. And however you

choose to deliver it, make sure your child has a copy of your

written words. Perhaps he or she will keep it and carry it

along to college or out into the world. Perhaps one day it will

be tucked into a backpack as well.

At TheBlessing.com you will find examples of a number of

fun, practical, and even outrageous ways in which people

have written out and shared their blessing. (We haven’t had

an underwater blessing letter reading yet—but I’m sure that’s

coming!)

DON’T LEAVE THE BLESSING TO CHANCE

Before you actually get to work on your written blessing,

there are a few more things I would urge you to keep in

mind. First, don’t assume your children will automatically

know your heart or “just figure out” what you think about

them. How you choose to bless a child is not nearly as

important as making that choice—being intentional about

the blessing.

As I have shared throughout this book, my mother gave

me all five of the elements of the blessing time and time

again. But one very special blessing from her was almost

thrown away.

After Mom passed away, my brothers and I were going

through her things, trying to sort out what to keep and what

to give away. This was very hard for me because I wanted to

keep everything. The blue sweater she loved to wear. The

little stick she held in her arthritic hands to poke the

television channels on the remote (and whack the TV

occasionally if someone was sharing an opinion she didn’t

like). Everything had a meaning and value.

But what almost got thrown out was a small notebook with

a scuffed-up cover that we thought was empty. It wasn’t. I

picked it out of the trash bin at the last minute before it was

bagged up and found this on the first page: “A Journal of

Rededication to Jesus Christ.”

None of us boys had ever seen this journal. Written in my

mother’s hand, it recorded her thoughts and prayers,

dreams and hopes. I would like to share with you the last

journal entry before her death. (All spelling, capitals, and

quotation marks are as she wrote them.)

God has granted me yet another new beginning. There have

been so many before. My hopes and dreams have been so high .

. . but each time I fail. I call another driver STUPID. I make a

cutting remark about another. I bring into a place of beauty

discordant behavior, and thus foul up again.

But God has poured out blessing on me from the day of my

birth. He has allowed me to live, “all the days of my life,” at a

time of great wonder, and in a State that dazzles the eyes and

soul with beauty.

He has brought me a Teacher of his word who is exceptional.

He has provided me with an annotated Bible, and so often

restored my health.

All these plus 3 miracles of creation who are my sons.

How blessed could one woman be?

Thank you, Lord. How inadequate is language to praise you.

It is painful to me to realize those words were a moment

away from being thrown out. How tragic if God hadn’t

stopped me and allowed me to rescue them from the trash.

And how tragic if we keep our words to ourselves, assuming

our kids will just somehow “know” that they have our

blessing without our written or spoken words to tell them.

ACCIDENTALLY ON PURPOSE

My wife’s father, George, was a hardworking, hard-drinking

man, a B-17 bomber pilot in World War II. Raised on a dairy

farm in Wisconsin, he did his pilot training at Arizona’s Luke

Air Force Base in December, and he swore that if he

survived the war, he would come back there to live, where

he could wear shorts in the winter.

He did just that. After the war he jumped into construction

work in Arizona, got married, and fathered my Cindy.

Unfortunately, he started jumping into a bottle as well, and

he was an angry drunk. He was also openly hostile against

any form of faith—he used to say that the nuns in his

Catholic school had “beat all the religion out of” him as a

child. When Cindy, his only daughter, was growing up, no

one was even allowed to mention Jesus—unless, of course,

you wanted to make fun of believers.

Then Cindy came to know Christ, and she began talking to

her father about Jesus. He loved to debate and argue, and

as a new Christian, Cindy would often get stumped by his

questions. But instead of getting angry, she used her

inability to respond as motivation to dig deeper into God’s

Word and find answers for him.

Year after year Cindy kept loving, encouraging, praying

for, and otherwise blessing her father, even when he was an

angry alcoholic. A turning point came when he faced a

drunk-driving conviction. The judge gave him a choice

between jail and AA. He chose AA, got into recovery, and

mellowed . . . some.

Amazingly, incredibly, George would place his faith in

Jesus a year before he passed away. His decision, a direct

result of Cindy’s prayers and persistence over the years,

was certainly a blessing to our family. But it was an

accidental meeting that happened a dozen years before he

came to faith that blessed Cindy most dramatically . . . and

still does today.

It was Christmastime, and we were all at a party at the

home of my older brother, Joe. Joe had one of those long,

narrow galley-style kitchens, barely wide enough for two

people to walk through side by side. That’s why my father-

in-law didn’t realize he was blocking Cindy’s path.

Cindy was helping get platters of food out of the kitchen

and onto the serving table in the other room when she

walked up behind her father. He was in the middle of an

animated conversation with one of our family friends and

had no idea Cindy was standing behind him. And he was

talking about her, using words she had never heard him use.

Cindy knew her father loved her. But she hadn’t heard

those words.

She knew her father was proud of her. But she hadn’t

heard those words either. Not out loud. Not directly.

Now she found herself standing behind her father, a plate

of food still in her hands, listening as he went on and on

about how proud he was of her. How she was the only one in

his whole family (at that point) to graduate from college.

What a great teacher she was and what a tremendous

mother and wife she was and how she delighted him in so

many ways.

Cindy just stood there in shock, listening to her father’s

words. Words of affirmation and praise and high value that

he had never shared with her personally, he was now

rattling off to a stranger. And perhaps it was that stranger’s

look that finally caused him to stop, look behind him, and

see Cindy.

I walked into the kitchen at that exact moment—to see a

father and daughter hugging each other, crying (yes, even

the bomber pilot), and telling each other that they loved

each other. Those were words that Cindy had waited for all

her life, words she may never have heard had it not

happened accidentally. And that is one huge reason why we

encourage people to “accidentally on purpose” write out a

blessing to share with their child.

A LIFETIME OF BLESSING

Don’t wait! Don’t leave your blessing to chance! Make an

intentional plan to give your son, your daughter—everyone

you care about—your blessing. Write it down. Speak the

words. Make a memory now and give a keepsake for

tomorrow.

But don’t stop there.

The kind of planned, formal blessing we have described in

this chapter can be wonderful and life-changing, but if you

really want your child to thrive, you will not only give the

blessing but also live it, seeking out ways to include

meaningful touch, spoken and written words, messages of

high value and a special future, and evidence of active

commitment in every day you spend together, every

moment.

At the breakfast table and over bedtime prayers, some

parents memorize a little blessing to say or sing to their

children at these moments.

In the car on the way to school (that can be the perfect

time for an offhand conversation with a teen).

While on the soccer field, in the movie theater, at church,

at the park, or in the backyard, look for ways to inject little

words of blessing in everyday conversation.

Make it a habit, and the blessings will flow through your

life—as the pictures in the next chapter show.

SIXTEEN

Next Steps:

Five Pictures That Point the Way

IN THE PREVIOUS chapter, I urged you to take your first step

on the blessing path by writing out your words of blessing

and choosing a special time to share it with your child. That

is a great first step. But the blessing doesn’t have to be just

a one-time occasion. In fact, it is something we should live

out every day of our lives.

In this chapter, then, I would like to talk about the next

steps you can take down the blessing path. In particular, I

look at some practical ways whereby you can make the

blessing a part of your everyday life with your child and with

others God places in your life.

You know well by now the five elements of the blessing.

• Meaningful touch

• A spoken message

• Attaching high value

• Picturing a special future

• An active commitment

Watch how often all five show up in the following biblical

pictures of Jesus—and of people who, like him, chose to look

for ways to share the blessing. Each snapshot presents a

vivid illustration of how we, too, can live the blessing every

day of our lives.

THE WASHING OF THE DISCIPLES’ FEET

This picture is mounted in the book of John, chapter 13.

The scene is the Upper Room on the night of his arrest.

Jesus is celebrating a last meal with his disciples. The table

is set. The food is prepared. But before they start eating, he

pulls out a basin and towel and—much to his disciples’

surprise—washes their feet. They look at each other in

confusion. It’s a servant’s job to greet guests at the door,

take off their sandals, and wash the dirt from their feet. Why

in the world is Jesus doing that?

“The Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve,”

Jesus had said earlier in his ministry (Matt. 20:28). This is

one of the pictures that show us he meant what he said.

To think that Jesus would do that for me! That he would

stop to serve me, to cleanse and refresh me, to make me

feel like a guest in his presence. What a picture of blessing—

and it’s a picture for all of us. Even if we have always been

treated like the outcast or the uninvited or the tagalong, he

sees us as an honored guest. And he stoops to serve us.

If you’re counting, I think this picture features all five

elements at once. Spoken or written words, attaching high

value, picturing a special future, genuine commitment—and

in this case even meaningful touch.

A similar picture comes to mind when I think about my

mom, who blessed me with so many Christlike pictures over

my life. I think of all the amazing ways she made us feel so

valuable when we were around her. Though broken with

arthritis, she was able to lift us up in so many ways . . . like

diving for quarters.

We didn’t have much money in our single-parent home, so

our house was one of the few in our area that didn’t have a

pool. But there was a public pool at Perry Park down the

road. On many blazing summer afternoons my mother

would pull into the driveway after work and honk the horn.

We would cheer as she announced we were going to the

pool.

Mom never got in the water. Her arthritic knees were so

bad, and pools back then weren’t handicapped-friendly. But

she knew how hot we were, so she would drive us to the

pool, sit in all that heat on the (not-so-very) cool deck, and

toss in quarters for us to dive down and catch or pick up off

the bottom.

Every time we broke the surface with our fists raised high

in triumph and the quarter in our hands, Mom’s eyes would

be shining, her twisted hands doing a soft clap. In Proverbs,

remember, we are told, “Bright eyes make the heart glad.”

My mother was always looking for ways she could serve us

kids and lift us up, both at the same time. She did it with her

heart, with her eyes, and with all five elements of the

blessing.

When I think of my mom, I think of one way to live the

blessing . . . with a servant’s heart.

This chapter looks at five pictures of Jesus, who knew how to

live out the blessing, and five pictures of how we, too, when

we walk with him, can find ways of living out the blessing that

will change the lives of others around us each day. It is a

choice I hope you will continue to make. And at

TheBlessing.com, you will find more next-step encouragement to do

just that.

THE WOMAN AT THE WELL

The picture of Jesus with the woman at the well is found in

John 4. We looked at this passage in chapter 4, but let’s

revisit it now with to see what it can tell us about living the

blessing.

If you’ll remember, this particular woman came to the well

to draw water at noon, the hottest hour of the day. That fact

alone whispers something of her reputation. Most women

would have come early in the morning or at dusk when it

was cool. But this woman has had five husbands, and she’s

not married to the man she’s living with now. She probably

comes at midday to avoid the gossip, the stares, the fingers

pointed in her direction. And she is surprised to see a

stranger there. A Jewish stranger in a Samaritan town. Jesus.

He asks for a drink, and that really throws her. “How is it

that you being a Jew, ask me for a drink since I am a

Samaritan woman?” It strikes her as odd not only because

he is a Jew and the Jews had no dealings with the

Samaritans, but also because he is a man, and men in her

culture had little social contact with women. Yet to her and

to her alone, Jesus gives one of the greatest revelations in

all of Scripture, that “God is Spirit, and those who worship

Him must worship in spirit and truth” (John 4:24).

The short conversation they have together at that well

changes that woman’s life. It blesses her to know that

someone like Jesus would talk with someone of her

reputation. And if you read the account in John, you see they

have a real conversation. Not a monologue but a dialogue.

Not a sermon but genuine interaction.

Jesus showing up in that woman’s world, talking with her

about her life, and respecting her dignity—that’s a truly

beautiful picture of the way God comes to each of us.

Meeting us where we are. Engaging us in conversation.

Treating us with respect. Moving us closer and closer to him.

And here, again, we can count the blessing elements

pictured in that scene. Not meaningful touch, which would

be inappropriate in that cultural context. But Jesus’ words

surely touched something deep within the Samaritan

woman. Talk about picturing a special future for and

attaching high value to a person. And the offer of living

water—could there be a more perfect picture of active

commitment?

I’m glad that I’ve had people show up in my life that way. I

have already mentioned Doug Barram, my high school

Young Life leader. He was an adult, yet he entered my high

school world, meeting me on the football field or at the gym,

talking with me about my life, treating me like a real person,

not just a kid, moving me closer and closer to the well of

living water.

I remember one time in particular. It was my senior year.

Doug picked up seven of us who were in his Bible study—all

seniors, each of whom he had led to Christ—and took us out

to breakfast. He wanted to get us all together before we left

for college. After we finished eating, he had each of us say

what our goals and dreams were.

My brother, Jeff, said he wanted to be a doctor, which he

now is. One of the other guys wanted to be a commercial

pilot. One by one we told each other our dreams. When my

turn came, I said I wanted to get my doctorate, write books,

and help people.

Every one of my friends at the table laughed when I said

that. They knew I was a terrible student. I had gotten into

college on academic probation, and I would get into

seminary and my doctoral program the same way. So

everyone had good reason to laugh.

But two people at that table didn’t laugh—my brother,

who has always been wonderfully supportive and sought to

give me his blessing, and Doug. He took me seriously even

while the others at the table were roaring with laughter. He

quieted them down and then shared with them what he saw

in me, including the ability to do everything I had said I

wanted to do.

They smirked and moved on, but I have never forgotten

that picture of an adult meeting with a bunch of high school

kids around a table, engaging us in a dialogue about our

lives, treating us all with such respect.

Giving me the blessing.

That’s another way we can live out the blessing day by

day—by affirming goals and dreams and seeing the

potential in someone’s life.

THE COMMISSIONING OF PETER

Here is yet another picture . . . this one found in Matthew

16.