Psychology 4-MAT Review : Dobson Assignment

The New Strong-Willed Child

James C. Dobson

Dobson, J. C. (2014).  The New Strong-Willed Child. Tyndale House Publishers, Inc..  https://mbsdirect.vitalsource.com/books/9781414356044

CHAPTER TEN THE STRONG-WILLED ADOLESCENT

(IS THERE ANY OTHER KIND?)

ALAS, WE ARRIVE NOW at the door of adolescence, that dynamic time of life that comes in with a pimple and goes out with a beard— or to put it another way, it comes in with a bicycle and ends with a car. It’s an exciting time of life, but to be honest, I wouldn’t want to stumble through it again. I doubt if you would either. We adults remember all too clearly the fears and jeers and tears of our tumultuous youth. Perhaps that is why many parents begin to tremble and quake when their children approach the adolescent years, especially if one or more of them have been the fireball of the family.

One of the curious aspects of the teen experience today, which wasn’t true thirty years ago, is its largely homogenized nature around the world. For example, adults who have traveled internationally may have recognized a certain kind of graffiti spray painted on buildings, bridges, and trains wherever they go. It looks about the same in Sydney, Chicago, London, Moscow, or Berlin. Somehow kids around the world know how to duplicate those scrawled block letters that mark gang territories. Teens in far-flung places are busily imitating each other in almost every other regard too. They are determined to look alike, dress alike, and “be” alike wherever they are found. Kids even have their own international language of sorts that adapts to the ever-changing jargon of the moment.

What is the common bond that links young people together? It is the worldwide pop culture, which knows no geographical boundaries. MTV, the most watched television cable network in the world, is the primary vehicle driving this conformity. Its wretched twenty-four-hour programming is seen now in more than 377 million households every day, mostly by impressionable teens or young adults.1 The corporate conglomerate makes billions of dollars marketing pop culture—and rebellion—to a generation. Its executives are not only keenly aware of the influence they are having around the world—that is precisely what they are striving for. One of their corporate ads pictures the back of a teenager’s head with MTV shaved in his hair. The copy reads, “MTV is not a channel. It’s a cultural force. People don’t watch it, they love it.

MTV has affected the way an entire generation thinks, talks, dresses, and buys.”2 The amazing thing about this ad is that MTV not only admits they are trying to manipulate the young and immature; they spend big bucks bragging about it. MTV is not the only degrading cultural force that is operating on the international scene. The American entertainment industry also shapes the worldwide community negatively through its distribution of movies, television, videos, and the Internet. This is why the kids in Kenya and Fiji and Santiago and Budapest tend to pant after the same Hollywood starlets, dance with the same rock musicians, and model themselves, unfortunately, after the same immoral antiheroes such as Madonna and Britney Spears and Eminem. It is why tattooing, body piercing, strange multicolored hairstyles, and scantily clad girls have a similar look wherever one goes.

One of the most disgusting and disturbing examples of debauchery within the pop culture was seen at Super Bowl XXXVIII, held in February 2004. It included a halftime show that was pure filth, complete with crotch-grabbing antics, explicit sexual and violent lyrics, bumping and grinding movements, and girls who looked like prostitutes wearing garter belts and little else. The show, if it can be called that, featured pop singers Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake. At the concluding moment of the performance, Timberlake pulled off the top of her outfit, revealing a bare breast. Millions of people around the world, many of them wide-eyed children and impressionable teens, were watching this disgraceful performance.3 The program was produced and sponsored by— who else?—MTV and its coconspirators at CBS and the NFL. With this program these money-grubbing executives contributed once more to the degenerate morals of a generation of young people in every country on earth. No wonder decent people in other nations hate the United States and consider it a wicked influence for their children. At least with regard to Hollywood and the pop culture industry, they are absolutely right!

Even more disturbing is that MTV airs this kind of immorality day after day on cable television, though most parents are too busy doing their own thing to notice.

What this means is that the job of raising kids, especially those seething with rebellion, has become much more difficult. A hundred years ago, when fourteen-year-old Billy Bob Brown, the strong-willed son of Farmer Brown, began to get snippy around the house, his dad could take him out to the back forty acres and “get his mind straight.” There they were, just the two of them, working through their conflict. And usually, Billy Bob quickly figured out that he had better shape up—or else. Now, teen pop culture imposes on parent-child relationships a vast and enormously influential network of ideas, enticements, sexuality, profanity, support, and, mostly, an articulation of anger that compounds the difficulties of growing up.

According to environmentalist and author Bill McKibben, “If you had set out to create a culture purposefully damaging to children, you couldn’t do better than America at the end of the twentieth century [and well into the next].”4 Columnist, author, and radio talk-show host Michael Medved put it this way: “There has been a shift from a supportive culture . . . to a deliberately assaultive culture.”5 Western culture is increasingly radical, sexual, and revolutionary. It is determined to take your kids to hell, and your greatest wisdom and experience will be required to stop it.

A good place to begin is by monitoring your child’s access to the mass media. According to a recent survey, children ages two through eighteen spend on average five hours and twenty-nine minutes every day watching television, listening to music, or playing computer and video games. That total increases for children over eight, who spend nearly forty hours a week engaged in some sort of media-related activity. The survey also found that 53 percent of children have a television in their bedroom, which includes 32 percent of two- to seven-year-olds and 65 percent of eight- to eighteen-year-olds. Seventy percent of all children have a radio in their room, and 16 percent have a computer.6

What an ominous description this report provides of American children (and those around the world) in the twenty-first century! It is all related to the frantic pace of living. We adults are too exhausted and harried to care for those we love most. We hardly know what they are doing at home, much less when they are away. What a shame! Yankelovich Partners, Inc., said the image of families gathered around a single TV set in the family room is fading. Instead, many kids are off by themselves, where they can choose anything that they want to see. Ann Clurman, a partner at Yankelovich, said, “Almost everything children are seeing is essentially going into their minds in some sort of uncensored or unfiltered way.”7

I strongly urge you to get those devices, whether they are television sets, computers, or DVDs out of the bedroom. Locate them in the family room, where they can be monitored and where the amount of time spent on them is regulated. How can you do less for your children? It is also our responsibility to watch various forms of entertainment with our boys and girls when they are young. Otherwise, our kids are sitting ducks for the con men of our time who want to control their hearts and minds.

I wrote in greater detail about these and other adolescent dangers in my book Bringing Up Boys. Those who are looking for greater help at this point can consult that source. For now, here is a summary of that discussion:

Well, dear parents, I know that what I have shared in this chapter has been upsetting. It is no wonder that many of you feel caught in the backwash of a postmodern culture whose only god is self-gratification and whose only value is radical individualism. Nevertheless, you do need to know the truth and what you can do to protect those you love. . . . Here are some things to consider:

First, let’s give priority to our children. In days gone by, the culture acted to shield them from harmful images and exploitation. Now it’s open season for even the youngest among us. Let’s put the welfare of our boys [and girls] ahead of our own convenience and teach them the difference between right and wrong. They need to hear that God is the author of their rights and liberties. Let’s teach them that He loves them and holds them to a high level of moral accountability.

Second, let’s do everything in our power to reverse the blight of violence and lust that has become so pervasive across this land. Let’s demand that the entertainment moguls stop producing moral pollutants. Let’s recapture from the courts that system of self-rule that traditionally allowed Americans to debate their deepest differences openly and reach workable solutions together. Radical individualism is destroying us! Postmodernism is a cancer that rots the soul of humanity. The creed that proclaims, “If it feels good, do it!” has filled too many hospitals with drug-overdosed teenagers, too many prison cells with fatherless youth, too many caskets with slain young people, and caused too many tears for bewildered parents.

Finally, let’s vow together today to set for our children the highest standards of ethics and morality and to protect them, as much as possible, from evil and death. Our families can’t be perfect, but they can be better—much better.8

With that, I’ll offer some other ideas and suggestions that relate to all adolescents, including those who are harder to handle.

1. Give teenagers the gifts they hunger for most—respect and dignity!

As we all know, the period of early adolescence is typically a painful time of life, marked by rapid physical and emotional changes. This characteristic difficulty was expressed by a seventh-grade boy who had been asked to recite Patrick Henry’s historic speech at a special program commemorating the birth of the United States. But when the young man stood nervously before an audience of parents, he became confused and blurted out: “Give me puberty or give me death!” His statement is not as ridiculous as it sounds. Many teens sincerely believe they must choose between these dubious alternatives.

The thirteenth and fourteenth years commonly are the most difficult twenty-four months in life. A preadolescent child of ten or twelve suddenly awakens to a brand-new world around him, as though his eyes were opening for the first time. That world is populated by agemates who scare him out of his wits. His greatest anxiety, even exceeding the fear of death, which is remote and unthinkable, is the possibility of rejection or humiliation in the eyes of his peers. This ominous threat will lurk in the background for years, motivating kids to do things that make absolutely no sense to the adults who watch. It is impossible to comprehend the adolescent mind without understanding this terror of the peer group.

Related to this social vulnerability are the doubt and feelings of inferiority that reach an all-time high at this age. An adolescent’s worth as a human being hangs precariously on peer-group acceptance, which is notoriously fickle. Thus, relatively minor evidences of rejection or ridicule are of major significance to those who already see themselves as fools and failures. It is difficult to overestimate the impact of having no one to sit with on the school-sponsored field trip, not being invited to an important event, being laughed at by the “in” group, waking up in the morning to find seven shiny new pimples on your oily forehead, or being humiliated by the boy or girl you thought had liked you. Some adolescents consistently face these kinds of social catastrophes throughout their teen years. It makes some of the most strong-willed among them downright mean at home.

Dr. Urie Bronfenbrenner, now retired from Cornell University, identified early adolescence as the most destructive period of life. Bronfenbrenner recalls being asked during a U.S. Senate hearing to indicate the most critical years in a child’s development. He knew the senators expected him to emphasize the importance of preschool experience, reflecting the popular notion that all significant learning takes place during the first six years of life. However, Bronfenbrenner said he had never been able to validate that assumption. He agreed that the preschool years are vital, but so is every other phase of childhood. In fact, he told the Senate committee that the middle school years are probably the most critical to the development of a child’s mental health. It is during this period of self-doubt that the personality is often assaulted and damaged beyond repair. Consequently, said Bronfenbrenner, it is not unusual for students to enter junior high school as happy, healthy children—and then emerge two years later as broken, discouraged teenagers.9

I couldn’t agree more emphatically. Both physical and emotional dangers lurk everywhere at this time. I’ll never forget a vulnerable girl named Diane who was a student when I was in high school. She attended modern-dance classes and was asked to perform during an all-school assembly program. Diane was in the ninth grade and had not yet begun to develop sexually. As she spun around the stage that day, the unthinkable happened! The top of her strapless blouse suddenly let go (it had nothing to grip) and dropped to her waist. The student body gasped and then roared with laughter. It was terrible! Diane stood clutching frantically at her bare body for a split second and then fled from the stage in tears. She never fully recovered from the tragedy during her high school years. And you can bet that her “friends” made sure she didn’t.

Middle school students are typically brutal to each other, attacking and slashing a weak victim in much the same way a pack of wolves kills and devours a deformed caribou. They act this way because they are afraid of being bullied themselves, according to Dorothy Espelage, the author of a study of 558 students at a Midwestern middle school. “Kids don’t have the skills to stop [bullying],” Espelage said. “They also fear that if they try, attention will turn to them. They also have a sense that it’s all in fun—but to the victims, it’s not funny.” Espelage and her colleagues found that 80 percent of the students in their study said they had engaged in physical aggression, social ridicule, teasing, name-calling, and threats within the last thirty days.10

Another study, done by researchers at the University of Georgia and the University of Minnesota, found that bullying peaks when youngsters make the move from elementary to middle school. Their findings suggest that teasing and threatening are just part of the search for status. “Once the dominance is established and their place with their new friends is secure, the aggression subsides,” the study’s authors wrote.11

I have witnessed firsthand the brutality of the young. When I was in my twenties, I had the privilege of teaching in a public middle school. For two years, I taught science and math to 225 rambunctious troops each day, although I learned much more from them than they did from me. There on the firing line, my concepts of discipline and child development began to solidify. The workable, practical solutions were validated, while the lofty theories dreamed up by academics exploded like so much TNT when tested on the battlefield each day.

One of the most important lessons I learned in those years was the linkage between self-worth (or self-hatred) and rebellious behavior. I observed very quickly during my teaching career that I could impose all manner of discipline and classroom rules for my students, provided I treated each young person with genuine dignity and respect. I earned my students’ friendship before and after school, during lunch, and through classroom encounters. I was tough, especially when challenged, but never discourteous, mean, or insulting. I defended the underdog and tenaciously tried to build each child’s confidence and self-respect. However, I never compromised my standards of deportment. Students entered my classroom without talking each day. They did not behave disrespectfully, curse, or stab one another with ballpoint pens. I was clearly the captain of the ship, and I sailed it with military zeal.

The result of this combination of kindness and firm discipline stands as one of the most pleasant memories of my professional life. I loved my students and had every reason to believe that I was loved in return. I actually missed them on weekends (a fact my wife never quite understood). At the end of the final year when I was packing my books and saying good-bye, twenty-five or thirty teary-eyed kids hung around my gloomy room for several hours and finally stood sobbing in the parking lot as I drove away. And, yes, this twenty-six-year-old teacher also shed a few tears of his own that day. It is no wonder that one of my favorite movies, released in 1996, is Mr. Holland’s Opus, which portrays a teacher who embodies the characteristics I have described. (Please forgive this self-congratulatory paragraph. I haven’t bothered to tell you about my failures, which are far less interesting.)

If you can communicate kindness to your oppressed and harassed teenagers, even to those who are sullen and difficult, then many of the usual disciplinary problems of adolescence can be circumvented. That is, after all, the best way to deal with people of any age.

Let’s look now at the second suggestion, which can be, in effect, a means of implementing the first.

2. The key to the puzzle

There is often an irrationality associated with adolescence that can be terribly frustrating to parents. It is difficult at that time to reason your way out of conflict. Let me offer an illustration that may explain the problem.

In graduate school I was told a story about a medical student who was required as part of his training to spend a few weeks working in a psychiatric hospital. Unfortunately, he was given little orientation to the nature of mental illness, and he mistakenly thought he could reason his patients back to a world of reality. One schizophrenic inmate was of particular interest to him, because the man believed himself to be dead.

“Yeah, it’s true,” the patient would tell anyone who asked. “I’m dead. Been dead for years.”

The intern couldn’t resist trying to talk the schizophrenic out of his delusion. He sat down with the patient and said, “I understand you think you’re dead. Is that right?”

“Sure is,” replied the man. “I’m deader than a doornail.”

The intern continued, “Well, answer me this: Do dead people bleed?”

“No, of course not,” replied the schizophrenic, sounding perfectly sane.

The intern then took the patient’s hand in his own and stuck a needle into the fleshy part of his thumb. As the blood oozed from the puncture, the schizophrenic gasped and exclaimed, “Well, what do you know! Dead people do bleed!”

There may be times when you may find yourself holding similar conversations with your uncomprehending adolescent. These moments will likely occur while you are trying to explain why he must be home by a certain hour, why she should keep her room straight, why he can’t have the car on Friday night, or why it doesn’t really matter that she wasn’t invited to the cool party given by the most popular kid in the senior class. These issues defy reason, and teens are more likely to respond instead to the dynamic emotional, social, and chemical forces that propel them. I can also assure you, from the survey of thirty-five thousand parents mentioned earlier, that the strong-willed child is especially susceptible to these internal and sometimes irrational forces. Whatever testiness was there in the past twelve years is most likely to get worse before it gets better.

Let me quote from a US News & World Report article that helps articulate this phenomenon:

One day, your child [if naturally compliant] is a beautiful, charming 12-year-old, a kid who pops out of bed full of good cheer, clears the table without being asked, and brings home good grades from school. The next day, your child bursts into tears when you ask for the salt and listens to electronic music at maximum volume for hours on end. Chores? Forget it.

Homework? There’s little time, after talking to friends on the phone for five hours every night. Mornings? Your bluebird of happiness is flown, replaced by a groaning lump that can scarcely be roused out of bed. Welcome to adolescence.12

What is going on here? Why the sudden volatility and irrationality? The answer is straightforward. It’s the mischievous hormones that have begun to surge! They are the key to understanding nearly everything that doesn’t add up in the teen years. The emotional characteristics of a suddenly rebellious teenager, or the worsening of them, are rather like premenstrual syndrome (PMS) or severe menopause in women. Obviously, dramatic changes are going on inside! If the upheaval was caused entirely by environmental factors, its onset in puberty would not be so predictable. The emotional changes I have described arrive right on schedule, timed to coincide precisely with the onset of physical maturation. Both changes, I contend, are driven by a common hormonal assault. Human chemistry apparently goes haywire for a few years, affecting mind as much as body.

Does this understanding make it easier for parents to tolerate and cope with the reverberations of puberty? Probably not, but it should. For several years, a teenager may not interpret his world accurately. His social judgment is impaired. His fear of danger is muted, and his view of responsibility is warped. Therefore, it is a good idea not to despair when it looks as though everything you have tried to teach your kid seems to have been forgotten—or never learned. He is going through a metamorphosis that has turned everything upside down. But stick around. He’ll regain his equilibrium in due time and your relationship will stabilize—providing you’re not the one who is insane by that point.

And now a word of advice for parents of a strong-willed girl whose personality becomes downright nasty every month. I strongly recommend that you encourage your daughter to plot the particulars of her menstrual cycle on a graph. Talk to her about PMS and how it influences behavior, self-esteem, and moods. Ask her to record when her period begins and ends each month, as well as how she feels before, during, and after her cycle. (Don’t bring up the subject until she is in midcycle.) I think you and she will see that the emotional blowups that tear the family apart are predictable and recurring. Premenstrual tension during adolescence can produce a flurry of tornadoes every twenty-eight days. If you know they are coming, you can retreat to the storm cellar when the wind begins to blow. Unfortunately, many parents never seem to notice the regularity and predictability of depression, agitation, and conflict with their daughter. Watch the calendar. It will tell you so much about your girl.

Emotional balance in teenage boys is not as cyclical as it is in girls, but boys’ behavior is equally influenced by hormones. Everything from sexual passion to aggressiveness is motivated by the new chemicals that surge through their veins.

Having made the case for hormonal influences, now let me add that nothing is as simple as it sounds.

Recent studies reveal that hormones are not the only culprits in the mix. Immaturity is also caused by incomplete brain development during early adolescence. These findings were summarized in the same US News & World Report article I quoted from earlier. Here is what was written:

And just as a teenager is all legs one day and all nose and ears the next, different regions of the brain are developing on different timetables. For instance, one of the last parts to mature is in charge of making sound judgments and calming unruly emotions. And the emotional centers in the teenage brain have already been revving up, probably under the influence of sex hormones. This imbalance may explain why your intelligent 16-year-old doesn’t think twice about getting into a car driven by a friend who is drunk, or why your formerly equable 13-year-old can be hugging you one minute and then flying off the handle the next.13

Researchers have also discovered that a teenager’s brain goes through an experience called pruning, in which the brain purges itself of neurons and synapses it no longer finds useful. These neurons and synapses are developed between the ages of nine and ten and then are eliminated as the brain decides which to retain. Thus, until the prefrontal cortex of the brain has gone through this pruning process, most young teenagers do not have all of their brainpower at their disposal, especially the power to make good judgments. This can also result in teenagers having difficulty managing multiple tasks.14

Isn’t that interesting? These findings should be helpful when the kid you brought into the world in love, and for whom you would give your very life, accuses you of being Attila the Hun and hisses like a snake when told no. This negativism isn’t entirely your fault. And this individual, when grown, will look back and talk with you about how cantankerous she was during this time.

Remember the mother named Joy, who appeared with a panel on a Focus on the Family radio broadcast and told us how her impossibly rebellious, strong-willed daughter wrote an emotional letter from college, apologizing and saying her mother was her best friend? That is not an unusual outcome. I will say more about this optimistic prognosis in the final chapter.

The bottom line is that the adolescent years represent a transition period that will soon pass. Don’t be too discouraged when the storms are raging. Keep your confidence when under fire, and do the best you can to work your way through these conflicts. And by all means stay in touch with your kids, even when you and they are having trouble understanding each other. Remember that your formerly pleasant and happy child, who seemingly degenerated overnight into a sour and critical anarchist, may also be worried about what is happening to her. She may be confused by the resentment and anger that have become so much a part of her personality. She clearly needs the patient reassurance of loving parents who can explain the normality of this agitation and help her ventilate the inner tension. It’s a job for Superparent!

3. Pry open the door of communication

But how can you talk to someone who won’t talk—someone whose language consists of seven phrases: I dunno. I don’t care. Leave me alone. I need money. Can I have the car? My friends think you’re unfair. And, I didn’t do it. Prying open the door of communication with an angry adolescent can require more tact and skill than any other parenting assignment. Often, mothers and fathers act like adolescents, shouting and screaming and engaging in endless battles that leave them exhausted but without strategic advantage. There has to be a better way of communicating than shouting at one another. Let me propose an alternative.

For purposes of illustration, suppose that Brian is now fourteen years old and has entered a period of remarkable defiance. He is breaking rules right and left and seems to hate the entire family. He becomes angry when his parents discipline him, of course, but even during tranquil times he seems to resent them for merely being there. Last Friday night he arrived home an hour beyond his curfew but refused to explain where he was or why he was late. What course of action would be best for his parents to take?

Let’s assume that you are Brian’s father. I would recommend that you invite him out to breakfast on a Saturday morning, leaving the rest of the family at home. It would be best if this event occurred during a relatively tranquil time, certainly not in the midst of a hassle or intergenerational battle. Admit that you have some important matters to discuss with him that can’t be communicated adequately at home, but don’t tip your hand before Saturday morning.

Then at the appropriate moment during breakfast, convey the following messages (or an adaptation thereof):

A. Brian, I wanted to talk to you this morning because of the changes that are taking place in you and in our home. We both know that the past few weeks have not been very pleasant. You have been angry most of the time and have become disobedient and rude. And your mother and I haven’t done so well either. We’ve become irritable, and we’ve said things that we’ve regretted later. This is not what God wants of us as parents or of you as our son. There has to be a better way of solving our problems. That’s why we’re here.

B. As a place to begin, Brian, I want you to understand what is happening. You have gone into a new period of life known as adolescence. This is the final phase of childhood, and it is often a very stormy and difficult few years. Nearly everyone goes through these rough times during their early teens, and you are right on schedule. Many of the problems you face today were predictable from the day you were born, simply because growing up has never been an easy thing to do. There are even greater pressures on kids today than when we were young. I’ve said that to let you know this: We love you as much as we ever did, even though the past few months have been difficult in our home.

C. What is actually taking place, you see, is that you have had a taste of freedom. You are tired of being told what to do. Within certain limits, that is healthy evidence that you are growing up and becoming your own man. However, you want to be your own boss and make your own decisions without interference from anyone. Brian, you will get what you want in a very short time. You are fourteen now, and you’ll soon be fifteen and seventeen and nineteen. You will be grown before we know it, and your mom and I will no longer have any responsibility for you. The day is coming when you will marry whomever you wish, go to whatever school you choose, and select the profession or job that suits you. Your mother and I will not seek to make those decisions for you. We will respect your adulthood. Furthermore, Brian, the closer you get to that day, the more freedom we plan to give you. You have more privileges now than you had last year, and that trend will continue. We will soon set you free, and you will be accountable only to God and yourself.

D. But, Brian, you must understand this message: You are not grown yet. During the past few weeks, you have wanted your mother and me to leave you alone—to let you stay out half the night if you choose, to fail in school, to carry no responsibility at home. And you have blown up whenever we have denied even your most extreme demands. The truth of the matter is, you have wanted us to grant you a twenty-year-old’s freedom during your fourteenth year, although you still expect to have your shirts ironed and your meals fixed and your bills paid. You have wanted the best of both worlds with none of the responsibilities or limitations of either. It doesn’t work that way. So what are we to do? The easiest thing would be for us to let you have your way. There would be no hassles and no conflict and no more frustration. Many parents of fourteen-year-olds have done just that. But we must not yield to this temptation. You are not ready for complete independence, and we would be showing hatred (instead of love) for you if we surrendered at this time. We would regret our mistake for the rest of our life, and you would soon blame us too. And as you know, you have two younger sisters who are watching you very closely, who must be protected from the things you are teaching them.

E. Besides, Brian, God has given us a responsibility as parents to do what is right for you, and He is holding us accountable for the way we do that job. I want to read you an important passage from the Bible that describes a father named Eli, a priest in the temple, who did not discipline and correct his two unruly teenage sons. [Read the dramatic story from 1 Samuel 2:12-17, 22-25, 27-34; 3:11-14; 4:1-4 and 10-22.] It is very clear that God was angry with Eli for permitting his sons to be disrespectful and disobedient. Not only did He allow the sons to be killed in battle, but He also punished their father for not accepting his parental responsibilities.

This assignment to parents can be found throughout the Bible: Mothers and fathers are expected to train their children and discipline them when required. What I’m saying is that God will not hold us blameless if we let you behave in ways that are harmful to yourself and others. The Bible also tells parents not to overcorrect and demoralize their children. We’re going to try harder to conform to that Scripture too.

F. That brings us to the question of where we go from this moment. I want to make a pledge to you, here and now: Your mother and I intend to be more sensitive to your needs and feelings than we’ve been in the past. We’re not perfect, as you well know, and it is possible that you will feel we have been unfair at one time or another. If that occurs, you can express your views and we will listen to you. We want to keep the door of communication wide open between us. When you seek a new privilege, I’m going to ask myself this question, “Is there any way I can grant this request without harming Brian or other people?” If I can permit what you want in good conscience, I will do so. I will compromise and bend as far as my best judgment will let me.

G. But hear this, Brian. There will be some matters that cannot be compromised. There will be occasions when I will have to say no. And when those times come, you can expect me to stand like the Rock of Gibraltar. No amount of violence and temper tantrums and door slamming will change a thing. In fact, if you choose to fight me in those remaining areas, then I promise that you will lose big-time. Admittedly, you’re too big and grown up to spank, but I can still make you uncomfortable. And that will be my goal. Believe me, Brian, I’ll lie awake nights figuring out how to make you miserable. I have the courage and the determination to do my job during these last few years you are at home, and I intend to use all of my resources for this purpose, if necessary. So it’s up to you. We can have a peaceful time of cooperation at home, or we can spend this last part of your childhood in unpleasantness and struggle. Either way, you will arrive home when you are told, you will carry your share of responsibility in the family, and you will continue to respect your mother and me.

H. Finally, Brian, let me emphasize the message I gave you in the beginning. We love you more than you can imagine, and we’re going to remain friends during this difficult time. There is so much pain in the world today. Life involves disappointment and loss and rejection and aging and sickness and ultimately death. You haven’t felt much of that discomfort yet, but you’ll taste it soon enough. So with all that heartache outside our door, let’s not bring more of it on ourselves. We need each other. We need you, and believe it or not, you still need us occasionally. We’re going to be praying for you every day and asking the Lord to lead and guide you. I know He will answer that prayer. And that, I suppose, is what I wanted to convey to you this morning. Let’s make it better from now on.

Do you have things that need to be said to me?

The content of this message should be modified to fit individual circumstances and the needs of particular adolescents. And the response from the teenager will vary tremendously from person to person. An open boy or girl may reveal deep feelings at such a moment of communication, permitting a priceless time of catharsis and ventilation. On the other hand, a stubborn, defiant, proud adolescent may sit immobile with head downward. But even if your teenager remains stoic or hostile, at least the cards have been laid on the table and parental intentions have been explained.

4. Keep them moving

And now a word of practical advice for the parents of very strong-willed adolescents. They simply must not be allowed to get bored. Giving them large quantities of unstructured time is asking for trouble. The hormones that surge through their youthful bodies, especially testosterone in boys, will often lead them in the direction of danger or trouble. That’s why unsupervised time after school, when parents are at work, can lead to harmful behavior. This is hardly new advice. The old adage warns, “An idle mind is the devil’s workshop.” True enough. My advice is to get these energetic, mischievous teenagers occupied in constructive activities (without overdoing it). See that they get into a good youth program (a Bible-believing church would be the best place to start, from my perspective) and/or become involved in athletic pursuits, music, hobbies, animal care, part-time jobs, or an academic interest such as electronics or agriculture. Obviously, implementing this suggestion is not as urgent for the parents of compliant kids, but the idea is still relevant. By whatever means, you must find a way to keep their gangly legs churning.

One way to help accomplish that is to direct your teenagers to positive messages that are relevant to their lives. I strongly recommend, for example, the online teen resources Breakaway (for boys) and Brio (for girls), which attempt to address teen issues in a language adolescents can understand. For information about these resources, go to www.breakaway.com or www.briomag.com.

Not only should adolescents be busy doing constructive things, but they desperately need personal connectedness to their family. Every available study draws this conclusion. When parents are involved intimately with their kids during the teen years and when their relationship leads to an active family life, rebellious and destructive behavior is less likely to occur. Drs. Blake Bowden and Jennie Zeisz studied 527 teenagers at Cincinnati Children’s Hospital to learn what family and lifestyle characteristics were related to mental health and adjustment. Their findings were significant.

Adolescents whose parents ate dinner with them five times a week or more were the least likely to be on drugs, depressed, or in trouble with the law. They were more likely to be doing well in school and surrounded by a supportive circle of friends. By contrast, the more poorly adjusted teens ate with their parents only three evenings a week or less. What Bowden’s study shows is that children do far better in school and in life when they spend time with their parents, and specifically when they get together almost every day for conversation and interaction.15

This is one of the most effective tools for helping your teen through the dangerous years of adolescence. And, yes, it works with strong-willed children, too.

5. Use incentives and privileges to advantage

As I pointed out previously, one of the most common mistakes parents of rebellious kids make is allowing themselves to be drawn into endless verbal battles that leave them exhausted but without strategic advantage. Don’t subject your daughter to perpetual threats and finger-wagging accusations and insulting indictments. And most important, don’t nag her endlessly. Adolescents hate to be nagged by Mommy and Daddy! When that occurs, they typically protect themselves by appearing deaf. Thus, the quickest way to terminate all communication between generations is to follow a young person around the house, repeating the same monotonous messages of disapproval with the regularity of a cuckoo clock.

What, then, is the proper response to slovenliness, disobedience, defiance, and irresponsibility? That question takes us back to the threat, implied to Brian, that his father would make him miserable if he did not cooperate. Don’t let the news leak out, but the tools available to implement that promise are relatively weak. Since it is unwise (and unproductive) to spank a teenager, parents can only manipulate environmental circumstances when discipline is required. They have the keys to the family automobile (unless the teen has her own car, taking away a prize bargaining chip) and can allow their teenager to use it. They may grant permission to go to the beach or to the mountains or to a friend’s house or to a party. They control the family purse and can choose to share it or loan it or dole it or close it. They can ground their adolescent or deny use of the telephone, MP3 player, or television for a while.

Now, obviously, these are not very influential motivators and are at times totally inadequate for the situation. After we have appealed to reason, cooperation, and family loyalty, all that remain are relatively ineffective methods of punishment. We can only link our kids’ behavior with desirable and undesirable consequences and hope the connection will be enough to elicit their cooperation.

If that sounds pretty weak, let me admit what I am implying: A willful, angry sixteen-year-old boy or girl can win a confrontation with his or her parents today if worst comes to worst. The law has totally shifted in teenagers’ favor. For example, they can have sex, conceive a child, and, in many states, abort a child without their parents’ knowledge. Drugs and alcohol are easy to obtain. Very few adult privileges and vices can be denied a teenager who has a passion for independence and the will to fight. Under some circumstances in certain states, a sixteen-year-old can be legally emancipated and freed from all parental supervision. Sometimes in cases of extreme rebellion, your reaction in a crisis has to be based on bluster and intimidation. It isn’t enough, but you run with what is available to you.

As I said earlier, the culture is not on your side. Every spark of adolescent discontent is fanned into a smoldering flame. The grab for the buying power of children and teens has become intense, and marketers are after them almost from the time they leave the womb. Often, teenagers are given money by guilt-ridden parents who neglect them as they pursue their careers. In fact, in 1998, teenagers spent a record $141 billion—an average of $4,548 each!16 In addition, many teens have free rein in shopping malls, charge cards in hand. One teenage girl, when asked if her parents trusted her with a credit card, laughed out loud and said, “I max out my gas card every month. My parents pay for it,” adding that she was not sure of her credit limit. She went on to say that she spent several hundred dollars a month on gas, cigarettes, and food and only stopped when her card was rejected. “I know I can’t handle my own credit card. I can’t even handle my checking account,” she concluded.17

Our culture assaults teens with every antisocial message imaginable and appeals to their weaknesses and lack of adult judgment. Parents must step into the gap. If parents are absent during this crucial time, the results can be disastrous. We need look no further than the example of Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold, the two young men involved in the Columbine High School tragedy in 1999. Left alone for hours by their parents, they turned to the Internet and violent video games, eventually carrying out their aggression in a murderous spree in the halls of their school. When teens are isolated from their parents, they are more vulnerable to serious emotional problems, including suicide.18 I think the need for parental involvement is best expressed by Patricia Hersch, author of A Tribe Apart: A Journey into the Heart of American Adolescence, who said, “Every kid I talked to at length eventually came around to saying without my asking that they had wished they had more adults in their lives, especially their parents.”19

So what is the answer? That takes us back to the importance of laying a foundation of respect for parental authority during the early years of a child’s development. Without that foundation—without a touch of awe in a child’s perception of his mother or father—the balance of power and control is definitely shifted toward the younger combatant.

As Patricia Hersch stated, and despite what the perception may be, teenagers desperately want to be connected to their parents during the tumultuous years of adolescence. In 1999, the National Longitudinal Study on Adolescent Health found that teenagers who feel more connected and comfortable with their parents, teachers, and other adults are less likely to commit violence, use illegal drugs, or become sexually active.20

Another national survey of teens done by the Horatio Alger Foundation found that a majority of adolescents felt that the decline of the family, along with “sagging moral and social values,” was one of the biggest problems they face. In fact, they rated family to be more important to personal success than making a contribution to society. Jennifer Park, who helped prepare the report on the survey, said, “Family is very important. This is something that is really constant throughout the whole generation.”21

Let me share an experience from my own life that I included in my book Bringing Up Boys. When I was sixteen years old, I began to play some games that my mother viewed with alarm. I had not yet crossed the line into all-out rebellion, but I was definitely leaning in that direction. My father was a minister who traveled constantly during that time, and Mom was in charge. One night, we had an argument over a dance I wanted to go to, and she objected. I openly defied her that night. I said, in effect, that I was going and if she didn’t like it, that was just too bad. Mom became very quiet, and I turned in a huff to go into my bedroom. I paused in the hall when I heard her pick up the phone and call my dad, who was out of town. She simply said, “I need you.” What happened in the next few days shocked me down to my toes. My dad canceled his four-year speaking schedule and put our house up for sale. Then he accepted a pastoral assignment seven hundred miles south. The next thing I knew, I was on a train heading for Texas and a new home in the Rio Grande Valley. That permitted my dad to be at home with me for my last two years of high school. During these years we hunted and fished together and bonded for a lifetime. There in a fresh environment, I made new friends and worked my way through the conflict that was brewing with my mom. I didn’t fully understand until later the price my parents paid to do what was best for me. It was a very costly move for them, personally and professionally, but they loved me enough to sacrifice at a critically important time. In essence, they saved me. I was moving in the wrong direction, and they pulled me back from the cliff. I will always appreciate these good people for what they did.

There is more to the story, of course. It was difficult making new friends in a strange high school at the beginning of my junior year. I was lonely and felt out of place in a town that failed to acknowledge my arrival. My mother sensed this feeling of friendlessness and, in her characteristic way, was hurting with me. One day, after we had been in the community for about two weeks, she took me by the hand and pressed a piece of paper into the palm. She looked in my eyes and said, “This is for you. Don’t tell anybody. Just take it and use it for anything you want. It isn’t much, but I want you to get something that looks good to you.”

I unfolded the paper, which turned out to be a twenty-dollar bill. It was money that my mother and father didn’t have, considering the cost of the move and my dad’s small salary. But no matter, I stood at the top of their priorities during these stormy days. We all know that money won’t buy friends, and twenty dollars (even then) did not change my life significantly. Nevertheless, my mother used that method of saying to me: “I feel what you feel; I know it’s difficult right now, but I’m your friend and I want to help.” All troubled teens should be so fortunate as to have parents who are pulling for them and praying for them and feeling for them, even when they are at their most unlovable.

I have been suggesting that parents be willing to take whatever corrective action is required during the adolescent years, but to do it without nagging, moaning, groaning, and growling. Let love be your guide! Even though it often doesn’t seem like it, your teen desperately wants to be loved and to feel connected to you. Anger does not motivate teenagers. That is why the parent or teacher who can find the delicate balance between love and firm discipline is the one who ends up winning the heart of teenagers. The adult who screams and threatens but does not love is only going to fuel teenage rebellion.

There is hope. Laurence Steinberg, a psychology professor at Temple University, observed: “Parents are caught by surprise [by adolescence]. They discover that the tricks they’ve used in raising their kids effectively during childhood stopped working.” However, he advised parents that if they stick it out, things will improve. “I have a 14-year-old son,” Steinberg said, “and when we moved out of the transition phase into middle adolescence, we saw a dramatic change. All of a sudden, he’s our best friend again.”22

This brings us to another important understanding of adolescence and the strong-willed kids who live there.

6. Hold on with an open hand

Another serious mistake made by parents of older teenagers (sixteen to nineteen years of age) is refusing to grant them the independence and maturity they require. Our inclination as loving guardians is to hold our kids too tightly, despite their attempts to squirm free. We try to make all their decisions, keep them snugly beneath our wings, and prevent even the possibility of failure. And in so doing, we force our young adults into one of two destructive patterns: Either they passively accept our overprotection and remain dependent “children” into adult life or they rise up in great wrath to reject our bondage and interference. They lose on both counts. On the one hand they become emotional cripples who are incapable of independent thought, and on the other they grow into angry, guilt-ridden adults who have severed ties with the family they need. Indeed, parents who refuse to grant appropriate independence to their older adolescents are courting disaster not only for their children but also for themselves.

Let me state it more strongly: I believe American parents are not very good at letting go of their grown children. This observation was powerfully illustrated in a book written years ago, What Really Happened to the Class of ’65? 23 The book’s narrative begins in the midsixties when Time magazine selected the senior class of Palisades High School in southern California as the focus for its cover story on “Today’s Teenager.” The editors had clearly chosen the cream of the crop for their report. These graduating young men and women lived in one of the wealthiest school districts in America, with an average income in 1965 of $42,000 per family (which would perhaps exceed $400,000 today). Listed among the members of their class were the children of many famous people, including James Arness, Henry Miller, Karl Malden, Betty Hutton, Sterling Hayden, and Irving Wallace.24 These students were part of the most beautiful, healthiest, best educated, and most affluent generation in history, and they knew it. Little wonder that Time perceived them to be standing “on the fringe of a golden era” as they left high school and headed for college.25 Their future sparkled like the California sunrise on a summer day.

But that was in 1965. Ten years later, two members of that class, Michael Medved and David Wallechinsky, became interested in investigating what really did happen to the optimistic young graduates of Palisades High School. Had they achieved the anticipated promise of glory and accomplishment? It was a fascinating (although profane and vulgar) commentary on a generation of overindulged kids, not only from Pacific Palisades, but from all across the United States. It focused on the major stereotypes populating American secondary schools, including the gorgeous cheerleader, the cool quarterback, the intellectual, the goof-off, the nerd, the dreamboat, the flirt, the underachiever, and the wild girl (who reportedly made love to 425 boys before losing count). One by one, their private lives and personal histories were revealed.26

As it turned out, the class of 1965, far from entering a “golden era,” was plagued by personal tragedy and emotional unrest. In fact, the students who graduated from American high schools in that year may be the most unstable and lost generation of young men and women ever produced in our country. A few weeks after they received their diplomas, our cities began to burn during the long, hot summer of racial strife. That signaled the start of the chaos to come. They entered college at a time when drug abuse was not only prevalent but almost universal for students and teachers alike. Intellectual pursuits were the first casualty in this narcotic climate. The Vietnam War soon heated campus passions to an incendiary level, generating anger and disdain for the government, the president, the military, both political parties, and, indeed, the American way of life. That hostility gave rise to bombings, riots, and the burning of “establishment” edifices.

This generation of college students had already witnessed the brutal assassination of their idol, John F. Kennedy, when they were barely sixteen years old. Then at a critical point in their season of passion, they lost two more beloved heroes, Robert Kennedy and Martin Luther King Jr. Those murders were followed by the street wars that punctuated the 1968 Democratic Convention and the killing of students at Kent State University. These violent convulsions reached their overt culmination in the wake of President Nixon’s military foray into Cambodia, which virtually closed down American campuses. As our population ages, fewer and fewer people lived through and remember those tumultuous days. Nevertheless, they represented a knife edge in Western culture, separating what came before with what we have known since.

Accompanying the social upheaval of that era was a sudden disintegration of moral and ethical principles, such as has never occurred in the history of humankind. All at once, there were no definite values. There were no standards. No absolutes. No rules. No traditional beliefs on which to lean. Nor could anyone over thirty even be trusted. And some bright-eyed theologians chose that moment of confusion to announce the death of God. It was a distressing time to be young—to be groping aimlessly in search of personal identity and a place in the sun. That was the social setting for the students who entered college or went into the workforce during the late 1960s.

The class of ’65 caught that cultural revolution right between the eyes, and their personal lives thereafter have reflected the changes of the times. In case after case, they tasted the sordid and seamy offerings of a valueless society. They became hooked on heroin, LSD, barbiturates, and alcohol. They experienced broken marriages and sexual extravaganzas and experimental lifestyles. They produced unwanted children who hadn’t the slightest chance of being raised properly. By 1978, the year I wrote the first edition of The Strong-Willed Child, 11 percent of the Palisades class had served time in jail, and one individual (the school’s most popular “dreamboat”) had committed suicide. At least eighteen members of the class had been hospitalized for psychiatric treatment. A former teacher at Palisades High School characterized the decade from 1965 to 1975 as “the saddest years of the century.”27 I certainly agree.

My reason for describing this depressing era in such detail is to point out the mistakes made during that period. Unfortunately, the conditions that produced it are still evident today! The errors lumbered into by those parents were not only powered by disruptive social forces, they were also caused by parental failure to allow the class of 1965 to grow up. Although the older generation exercised very little influence over their sons and daughters after graduation, they nevertheless failed to emancipate them. An amazingly consistent pattern is evident throughout the book, with moms and dads bailing their kid out of jail, paying their bills, making it unnecessary for them to work, and encouraging them to live at home again. They offered volumes of unsolicited advice to accompany their undeserved and unappreciated material gifts. The result was disastrous.

Let me personalize the issues before us. How can you avoid making similar mistakes with your child, and especially with your strong-willed son or daughter? It is a very important question, because the more rebellious and frustrating your kid is, the more likely you are to give too much, tolerate too much, advise too much, and rescue too much. These blunders come down to a common thread—one that results from hanging on too tightly when you should be letting go. In so doing, you run the risk of making emotional cripples out of your recently minted adults. This is what the parents in Palisades did in the late sixties. But you can do better.

Here’s how not to fall into the same pattern: Begin preparing a child for their ultimate release during the toddler years, before a relationship of dependence is established. Unfortunately, the natural inclination of parents is to do the opposite. As Domeena Renshaw wrote:

It may be messier for the child to feed himself; more untidy for him to dress himself; less clean when he attempts to bathe himself; less perfect for him to comb his hair; but unless his mother learns to sit on her hands and allow the child to cry and to try, she will overdo for the child, and independence will be delayed.28

This process of granting appropriate independence must continue throughout the elementary school years. Parents should permit their kids to go to summer camp even though it might be safer to keep them at home. They should allow them to spend the night with their friend when invited. The kids should make their own bed, take care of their animals, and do their homework. In short, the parental purpose should be to grant increasing freedom and responsibility year by year, so that when the child gets beyond adult control, he or she will no longer need it.

When this assignment is handled properly, a high school senior should be largely emancipated, even though he still lives with his parents. If I may share another personal example, this was the case during my last year at home. When I was seventeen years of age, my parents tested my independence by going on a two-week trip and leaving me behind. They loaned me the family car, and gave me permission to invite my (male) friends to spend the fourteen nights at our home. I remember being surprised by this move and the obvious risks they were taking. I could have thrown fourteen wild parties, wrecked the car, and destroyed our house. Frankly, I wondered if they were wise to give me that much latitude. I did behave responsibly (although our house suffered the effects of some typical adolescent horseplay). After I was grown and married, I asked my mother why she took those risks—why she left me unsupervised for two weeks. She smiled and replied, “Because I knew in approximately one year you would be leaving for college, where you would have complete freedom with no one to tell you how to behave. And I wanted to expose you to that independence while you were still under my influence.” Her intuitive wisdom was apparent once more. She was preparing me for the ultimate release, which often causes an overprotected young person to behave foolishly the moment she escapes the heavy hand of authority.

Our objective as parents, then, is to do nothing for boys and girls that they can profit from doing for themselves. I admit the difficulty of implementing this policy. Our deep love for our children makes us tremendously vulnerable to their needs. Life inevitably brings pain and sorrow to little people, and we hurt when they hurt. When others ridicule them or laugh at them, when they feel lonely and rejected, when they fail at something important, when they cry in the midnight hours, when physical harm threatens their existence—these are the trials that seem unbearable to those of us who watch from the sidelines. We want to rise like a mighty shield to protect them from life’s sting—to hold them snugly within the safety of our embrace. Yet there are times when we must let them struggle. Children can’t grow without taking risks. Toddlers can’t walk initially without falling down. Students can’t learn without facing some hardships. And ultimately, an adolescent can’t enter young adulthood until we release him from our protective custody. But as I have indicated, parents in the Western world find it difficult to let their offspring face and conquer the routine challenges of everyday living. This was typical for members of the class of 1965, whose parents prevented them from solving their problems by always doing the job for them. These same parents also failed to provide a moral and spiritual foundation for them.

Let me offer three guidelines for our parenting efforts during the final era of childhood. The first is simply: Hold on with an open hand. This implies that we still care about the outcome during early adulthood, but we must not clutch our children too tightly. Our grip must be relaxed. We should pray for them, love them, and even offer advice to them when it is sought. But the responsibility to make personal decisions must be borne by the next generation, and they must also accept the consequences of those choices.

Another phrase expressing a similar concept is Hold them close and let them go. This seven-word suggestion could almost represent the theme of my book. Parents should be deeply involved in the lives of their young children, providing love, protection, and authority. But when those children reach their late teens and early twenties, the cage door must be opened to the world outside. That is the most frightening time of parenthood, particularly for Christian mothers and fathers who care so deeply about the spiritual welfare of their family. How difficult it is to await an answer to the question, “Did I train them properly?” The tendency is to retain control in an attempt to avoid hearing the wrong reply to that all-important question. Nevertheless, our sons and daughters are more likely to make proper choices when they do not have to rebel against our meddling interference to gain their independence.

The third guideline could easily have been one of King Solomon’s proverbs, although it does not appear in the Bible. It states, If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then it’s yours. If it doesn’t return, then it never was yours in the first place. This little aphorism contains great wisdom. It reminds me of a day a number of years ago when a wild coyote pup trotted in front of our house in southern California. He had strayed into our residential area from the nearby mountains. I managed to chase him into our backyard, where I trapped him in a corner. After fifteen or twenty minutes, I succeeded in placing a collar and leash around his neck. He fought the noose with all his strength, jumping, diving, gnawing, and straining at the tether. Finally, in exhaustion, he submitted to his servitude. He was my captive, to the delight of the neighborhood children. I kept the little rascal for an entire day and considered trying to make a pet of him. However, I contacted an authority on coyotes, who told me the chances were very slim that I could tame his wild streak. Obviously, I could have kept him chained or caged, but he would never really have belonged to me. I asked a game warden to return the lop-eared creature to his native territory in the canyons above Los Angeles. You see, his friendship meant nothing to me unless I could set him free and retain him by his own choice.

My point is that love demands freedom. This is true not only of relationships between animals and humans, but also in all interpersonal interactions. For example, the quickest way to destroy romantic love between a husband and wife is for one partner to clamp a steel cage around the other. I’ve seen hundreds of women trying unsuccessfully to demand love and fidelity from their husband. It doesn’t work. Think back to your dating experiences before marriage. Do you recall that any romantic relationship was doomed the moment one partner began to worry about losing the other, phoning six or eight times a day and hiding behind trees to see who was competing for the lover’s attention? That hand-wringing performance will devastate a perfectly good love relationship in a matter of days. To repeat: Love demands freedom.

Why else did God give us the choice of either serving Him or rejecting His companionship? Why did He give Adam and Eve the option of eating forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden, instead of forcing their obedience? Why didn’t He just make men and women slaves who were programmed to worship at His feet? The answers are found in the meaning of love. God gave us a free choice because there is no significance to love that knows no alternative. It is only when we come to Him because we hungrily seek His fellowship and communion that the relationship has any validity. Isn’t this the meaning of Proverbs 8:17: “I love them that love me; and those that seek me early shall find me” (KJV)? That is the love that only freedom can produce. It cannot be demanded or coerced or required or programmed against our will. It can only be the product of a free choice, a concept that is honored even by the Almighty.

The application of this perspective to older adolescents and those in their early twenties should be obvious. There comes a point where our record as parents is in the books, our training has been completed, and the moment of release has arrived. As I did with the young coyote, we must unsnap the leash and remove the collar. If our child runs, he runs. If she marries the wrong person, she marries the wrong person. If he takes drugs, he takes drugs. If our children go to the wrong school, reject their faith, refuse to work, or squander their resources on liquor and prostitutes, then they must be permitted to make these destructive choices. But it is not our task to pay the bills, ameliorate the consequences, or support their folly.

Adolescence is not an easy time of life for either generation. In fact, it can be downright terrifying. But the key to surviving this emotional experience is to lay the proper foundation and then face this time with courage. Even the rebellion of the teen years can be a healthy factor. This conflict contributes to the process by which an individual changes from a dependent child to a mature adult, taking his place as a coequal with his parents. Without that friction, the relationship could continue to be an unhealthy mommy-daddy-child triad late into adult life, with serious implications for future marital harmony. If the strain between generations was not part of the divine plan of human development, it would not be so universally prevalent, even in homes where love and authority have been maintained in proper balance. And remember that billions of other parents have trod the same journey from childhood to adolescence and beyond. Most of them survived it. And you will too!

7. Above all else, introduce your kids to Jesus Christ and then ground them thoroughly in the principles of your faith. This is job #1.

This word of advice is relevant to Christian parents of both strong-willed and compliant children. Everything of value depends on one primary responsibility—that of providing your kids with an unshakable faith in Jesus Christ. How can anything else compare in significance to this goal of keeping the family circle unbroken in the life to come? What an incredible objective to work toward!

If the salvation of our children is really that vital to us, then our spiritual training should begin before children can even comprehend what it is all about. They should grow up seeing their parents on their knees before God, talking to Him. They will learn quickly at that age and will never forget what they’ve seen and heard. Even if they reject their faith later, the seeds planted during that time will be with them for the rest of their lives. This is why we are instructed to “bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4, KJV).

Again, I was fortunate to have had parents who understood this principle. After I was grown they told me that I attempted to pray before I learned to talk. I watched them talk to God and tried to imitate the sounds I had heard. At three years of age, I made a conscious decision to become a Christian. You may think it impossible at such an age, but it happened. I remember the occasion clearly today. I was attending a Sunday evening church service and was sitting near the back with my mother. My father was the pastor, and he invited those who wished to do so to come pray at the altar. Fifteen or twenty people went forward, and I joined them spontaneously. I recall crying and asking Jesus to forgive my sins. I know that sounds strange, but that’s the way it occurred. It is overwhelming for me to think about that event today. Imagine the King of the universe, Creator of all heaven and earth, caring about an insignificant kid barely out of toddlerhood! It may not make sense, but I know He met me at that altar.

Not every child will respond that early or dramatically, of course, nor should he. Some are more sensitive to spiritual matters than others, and they must be allowed to progress at their own pace. But in no sense should we as parents be casual or neutral about our children’s training. Their world should sparkle with references to Jesus and to our faith. That is the meaning of Deuteronomy 6:6-9: “These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.”

I believe this commandment from the Lord is one of the most crucial passages for parents in the entire Bible. It instructs us to surround our children with godly teaching. References to spiritual things are not to be reserved just for Sunday morning or even for a bedtime prayer. They should permeate our conversation and the fabric of our lives. Why? Because our children are watching our every move during those early years. They want to know what is most important to us. If we hope to instill within them a faith that will last for a lifetime, then they must see and feel our passion for God.

As a corollary to that principle, I must remind you that children miss nothing in sizing up their parents. If you are only half convinced of your beliefs, they will quickly discern that fact. Any ethical weak spot— any indecision on your part—will be incorporated and then magnified in your sons and daughters. Like it or not, we are on the hook. Their faith or their faithlessness is usually a reflection of our own. As I’ve said, our children will eventually make their own choices and set the course of their life, but those decisions will be influenced by the foundation we have laid.

That brings me to another extremely important point, even though it is controversial. I firmly believe in acquainting children with God’s judgment and wrath while they are young. Nowhere in the Bible are we instructed to skip over the unpleasant Scriptures in our teaching. The wages of sin is death, and children have a right to understand that fact.

I remember my mother reading the story of Samson to me when I was about nine years old. After this mighty warrior fell into sin, you will recall, the Philistines put out his eyes and held him as a common slave. Some time later, Samson repented before God, and he was forgiven. He was even given back his awesome strength. But my mother pointed out that he never regained his eyesight, nor did he ever live in freedom again. He and his enemies died together as the temple collapsed upon them.

“There are terrible consequences to sin,” she told me solemnly. “Even if you repent and are forgiven, you will still suffer for breaking the laws of God. They are there to protect you. If you defy them, you will pay the price for your disobedience.”

Then she talked to me about gravity, one of God’s physical laws. “If you jump from a ten-story building, you can be certain that you will crash when you hit the ground. It is inevitable. You must also know that God’s moral laws are just as real as His physical laws. You can’t break them without crashing sooner or later.”

Finally, she taught me about heaven and hell and the great Judgment Day when those who have been covered by the blood of Jesus will be separated eternally from those who have not. It made a profound impression on me.

Many parents would not agree with my mother’s decision to acquaint me with the nature of sin and its consequences. They have said to me, “Oh, I wouldn’t want to paint such a negative picture for my kids. I want them to think of God as a loving Father, not as a wrathful judge who punishes us.” In so doing, they withhold a portion of the truth from their children. He is both a God of love and a God of judgment. There are 116 places in the Bible where we are told to “fear the Lord.” By what authority do we eliminate these references in describing who God is to our children?

I am thankful that my parents and my church had the courage to acquaint me with the warning notes in Scripture. This awareness of sin and its consequences has kept me moral at times when I could have fallen into sexual sin. Biblical faith was a governor—a checkpoint beyond which I was unwilling to go. By that time I was not afraid of my parents. I could have fooled them. But I could not get away from the all-seeing eye of the Lord. I knew I would stand accountable before Him someday, and that fact gave me the extra motivation to make responsible decisions.

I can’t overstate the importance of teaching divine accountability, especially to your strong-willed children. Since their tendency is to test the limits and break the rules, they will need this internal standard to guide their behavior. Not all will listen to it, but some will. But while doing that, be careful to balance the themes of love and justice as you teach your children about God. To tip the scales in either direction is to distort the truth and create confusion in a realm where understanding is of utmost significance.

QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

Q: Which year is most challenging when raising a strong-willed child?

A: Based on our survey of thirty-five thousand parents, the most rebellious year of childhood is eighteen. That is because a boy or girl in late adolescence feels he or she is “grown” and therefore resents anything that even resembles parental leadership or authority. It makes no difference that the young person is still living under Mom and Dad’s roof and eating at their table. Teens have an intense desire to say, “Get off my back!” The second most challenging year is sixteen, and the third is fourteen. These findings vary from one individual to another, but those three years typically produce the most conflict and resentment. Then, if the young adult moves out, things get much better quickly.

Q: Generally speaking, what kind of discipline do you recommend for a teenager who is habitually miserable to live with?

A: That takes us back to what I wrote about using action to get action, rather than using anger to get action. The action approach offers one of the few tools available to very heady teenagers. Any time you can get them to do what is necessary without becoming furious, you are ahead of the game. Let me provide a few examples of how this might be accomplished.

1. I’ve been told that years ago in Russia, teenagers convicted of using drugs were denied their driver’s license for years. Here in the United States, Michigan lawmakers recently passed a law prohibiting students from getting their license if they were caught calling in a prank bomb threat.29 Both tactics have proved effective.

2. When my daughter was a teenager, she used to slip into my bathroom and confiscate my razor, my shaving cream, my toothpaste, or my comb. Of course, she never brought them back. Then after she had gone to school, I would discover that something was missing. There I was with wet hair or “fuzzy” teeth, trying to locate the confiscated item in her bathroom. It was not a big deal, but it was irritating at the time. Can you identify?

I asked Danae a dozen times not to do this, but to no avail. Thus, the phantom (that would be me) struck without warning one cold morning. I hid everything she needed to put on her “face” and then left for the office. My wife told me she had never heard such wails and moans as were uttered that day. Our daughter plunged desperately through bathroom drawers looking for her toothbrush, comb, and hair dryer. My problem never resurfaced.

3. A family living in a house with a small hot-water tank was continually frustrated by their teenager’s endless showers. Everyone who followed him had to take a cold bath. Screaming at him did no good. Once he was locked behind the bathroom door, he stayed in the steamy stall until the last drop of warm water had been drained. Solution? In midstream, Dad stopped the flow of hot water by turning a valve at the tank. Cold water suddenly poured from the nozzle. Junior popped out of the shower in seconds.

4. A single mother couldn’t get her daughter out of bed in the morning until she announced a new policy: The hot water would be shut off promptly at 6:30 A.M. The girl could either get up on time or bathe in ice water. Another mother had trouble getting her eight-year-old out of bed each morning. She then began pouring bowls of frozen marbles under the covers with him each morning. The marbles ran to the center of the bed, precisely where his body lay. The sleepy boy arose quite quickly.

5. Instead of standing in the parking lot and screaming at students who drive too fast, school officials now put huge bumps in the road that jar the teeth of those who ignore them. They do the job quite nicely.

6. You as the parent have the car that a teenager needs, the money that he covets, and the authority to grant or withhold privileges. If push comes to shove, these chips can be exchanged for commitments to live responsibly, share the workload at home, and stay off little brother’s back. This bargaining process works for younger kids too. I like the one-to-one trade-off for television viewing time. It permits a child to watch one minute of television for every minute spent reading.

The possibilities are endless.

Q: My sixteen-year-old daughter is driving me crazy. She is disrespectful, noisy, and selfish. Her room looks like a pigpen, and she won’t work any harder in school than absolutely necessary to get by. Everything I taught her, from manners to faith, seems to have sailed through her ears. What in the world should my husband and I do now?

A: I’m going to offer you some patented advice that may not make sense or seem responsive to the problem you’ve described. But stay with me. The most important thing you can do for your daughter is to just get her through it. The concept is a bit obscure, so let me make an effort to explain it.

Imagine your daughter is riding in a small canoe called Puberty on the Adolescent River. She soon comes to a turbulent stretch of white water that rocks her little boat violently. There is a very real danger that she will capsize and drown. Even if she survives today’s rapids, it seems inevitable that she will be caught in swirling currents downstream and plunge over the falls. That is the apprehension harbored by millions of parents with kids bouncing along on the wild river. It’s the falls that worry them most.

Actually, the typical journey down the river is much safer than believed. Instead of the water becoming more violent downstream, it eventually transitions from frightening rapids to tranquility once more. What I’m saying is that I believe your daughter is going to be okay even though she is now splashing and thrashing and gasping for air. Her little boat is more buoyant than you might think. Yes, a few individuals do go over the falls, usually because of drug abuse or another addictive behavior. But even some of those kids climb back in the canoe and paddle on down the river. Most will regain their equilibrium in a few years. In fact, the greatest danger of sinking a boat could come from parents!

The philosophy we applied with our teenagers (and you might try with yours) can be called “loosen and tighten.” By this I mean we tried to loosen our grip on everything that had no lasting significance and tighten down on everything that did. We said yes whenever we possibly could to give support to the occasional no. And most important, we tried never to get too far away from our kids emotionally.

It is simply not prudent to write off a son or daughter, no matter how foolish, irritating, selfish, or insane a child may seem to be. You need to be there, not only while his or her canoe is bouncing precariously, but also after the river runs smooth again. You have the remainder of your life to reconstruct the relationship that is now in jeopardy. Don’t let anger fester for too long. Make the first move toward reconciliation. And, finally, be respectful, even when punishment or restrictions are necessary.

Then wait for the placid water in the early twenties.

Q: Give me a straightforward answer to the question: How can I best survive the tumultuous years of my three strong-willed teenagers?

A: I have long recommended that parents whose kids are in the middle of a tumultuous adolescent experience must maintain a “reserve army.” Let me explain: A good military general will never commit all his troops to combat at the same time. He maintains a reserve force that can relieve the exhausted soldiers when they falter on the front lines. I wish parents of adolescents would implement the same strategy. Instead, they commit every ounce of their energy and every second of their time to the business of living, holding nothing in reserve for the challenge of the century. It is a classic mistake that can be disastrous for parents of strong-willed adolescents.

The problem begins with a basic misunderstanding during the preschool years. I hear mothers say, “I don’t plan to work until the kids are in kindergarten. Then I’ll get a job.” They appear to believe that the heavy demands on them will end magically when they get their youngest in school. In reality, the teen years will generate as much pressure on them as the preschool era did. An adolescent turns a house upside down . . . literally and figuratively. Not only is the typical rebellion of those years an extremely stressful experience, but the chauffeuring, supervising, cooking, and cleaning required to support an adolescent can be exhausting. Someone within the family must reserve the energy to cope with those new challenges. Mom is usually the candidate of choice. Remember, too, that menopause and a man’s midlife crisis are scheduled to coincide with adolescence, which makes a wicked soup! It is a wise mother who doesn’t exhaust herself at a time when so much is going on at home.

I know it is easier to talk about maintaining a lighter schedule than it is to secure one. It is also impractical to recommend that all mothers not seek formal employment during this era. Millions of women have to work for economic reasons, including the rising number of single parents in our world. Others choose to pursue busy careers. That is a decision to be made by a woman and her husband, and I would not presume to tell them what to do.

But decisions have inevitable consequences. In this case, there are biophysical forces at work that simply must be reckoned with. If, for example, 80 percent of a woman’s available energy in a given day is expended in getting dressed, driving to work, doing her job for eight or ten hours, and stopping by the grocery store on the way home—then there is only 20 percent left for everything else. Maintaining the family, cooking meals, cleaning the kitchen, relating to her husband, and engaging in all other personal activities must be powered by that diminishing resource. It is no wonder that her batteries are spent by the end of the day. Weekends should be restful, but they usually are not. Thus, she plods through the years on her way to burnout.

This is my point: A woman in this situation has thrown all her troops into frontline combat. She has no reserve to call on. In that weakened condition, the routine stresses of raising an adolescent can be overwhelming. Let me say it again. Raising boisterous teenagers is an exciting and rewarding, but also frustrating, experience. Teens’ radical highs and lows affect our mood. The noise, the messes, the complaints, the arguments, the sibling rivalry, the missed curfews, the paced floors, the wrecked cars, the failed tests, the jilted lovers, the wrong friends, the busy telephone, the pizza on the carpet, the ripped new shirt, the rebellion, the slammed doors, the mean words, the tears—it’s enough to drive a rested mother crazy. But what about a career woman who already gave at the office, then came home to this chaos? Any unexpected crisis or even a minor irritant can set off a torrent of emotion. There is no reserve on which to draw. In short, the parents of adolescents should save some energy with which to cope with aggravation!

Whether or not you are able to accept and implement any of this advice is your business. It is mine to offer, and this is my best shot. To help you get through the turbulence of adolescence, you should:

1. Keep the schedule simple.

2. Get plenty of rest.

3. Eat nutritious meals.

4. Stay on your knees.

When fatigue leads adults to act like hot-tempered teenagers, anything can happen at home.

Q: My son is now sixteen years old. We wish that we had instilled in him earlier many of the principles that you have talked about. He throws his clothes around the house, refuses to help with routine tasks, and generally makes life miserable for everyone else. Is there any hope for shaping his will at this rather late age?

A: If any approach will succeed in charging his sluggish batteries or motivating him to live within the rules, it will probably involve an incentive-and-disincentive program of some variety. The following three steps might be helpful in initiating such a system:

1. Decide what is important to the youngster for use as a motivator. Two hours with the family car on date night is worth the world to a sixteen-year-old who has just gotten his or her license. (This could be the most expensive incentive in history if the young driver is a bit shaky behind the wheel.) An allowance is another easily available source of inspiration. Teenagers have a great need for cold cash today. A routine date with Helen Highschool might cost twenty dollars or more—in some cases far more. Yet another incentive may involve a fashionable article of clothing that would not ordinarily be within your teen’s budget. Offering him or her a means of obtaining such luxuries is a happy alternative to the whining, crying, begging, complaining, and pestering that might occur otherwise. Mom says, “Sure, you can have the ski sweater, but you’ll have to earn it.” Once an acceptable motivator is agreed upon, the second step can be implemented.

2. Formalize the agreement. A contract is an excellent means of settling on a common goal. Once an agreement has been written, it is signed by the parent and the teen. The contract may include a point system that enables your teenager to meet the goal in a reasonable time period. If you can’t agree on the point values, you could allow for binding arbitration from an outside party. Let’s examine a sample agreement in which Marshall wants an iPod, but his birthday is ten months away and he’s flat broke. The cost of the player is approximately $150. His father agrees to buy the device if Marshall earns ten thousand points over the next six to ten weeks doing various tasks. Many of these opportunities are outlined in advance, but the list can be lengthened as other possibilities become apparent:

a. For making bed and straightening room each morning 50 points

b. For each hour of studying 150 points

c. For each hour of housecleaning or yard work 300 points

d. For being on time to breakfast and dinner 40 points

e. For babysitting siblings (without conflict) 150 points per hour

f. For washing the car each week 250 points

g. For arising by 8:00 A.M. Saturday morning 100 points

While the principles are almost universally effective, the method will vary. With a little imagination, you can create a list of chores and point values that works in your family. It’s important to note that points can be gained for cooperation and lost for resistance. Disagreeable and unreasonable behavior can be penalized fifty points or more. (However, penalties must be imposed fairly and rarely or the entire system will crumble.) Also, bonus points can be awarded for behavior that is particularly commendable.

3. Finally, establish a method to provide immediate rewards. Remember that prompt reinforcement achieves the best results. This is necessary to sustain teens’ interest as they move toward the ultimate goal. A thermometer-type chart can be constructed, with the point scale listed down the side. At the top is the ten-thousand-points mark, beside a picture of an iPod or other prize. Each evening, the daily points are totaled and the red portion of the thermometer is extended upward. Steady, short-term progress might earn Marshall a bonus of some sort—perhaps a CD of his favorite musician or a special privilege. If he changes his mind about what he wishes to buy, the points can be diverted to another purchase. For example, five thousand points is 50 percent of ten thousand and would be worth $75 toward another purchase. However, do not give your child the reward if he does not earn it. That would eliminate future uses of reinforcement. Likewise, do not deny or postpone the goal once it is earned.

The system described above is not set in concrete. It should be adapted to the age and maturity of the adolescent. One youngster would be insulted by an approach that would thrill another. Use your imagination and work out the details with your son or daughter. This suggestion won’t work with every teenager, but some will find it exciting. Lots of luck to you.

CHAPTER ELEVEN DEALING WITH THE ADHD CHILD

WE COME NOW TO A SUBJECT of great relevance to the parents of strong-willed children who also happen to have a condition known as attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder, or ADHD. Any physical problem that increases the level of activity and reduces self-control in a youngster is almost certain to create management problems. It is worse when that boy or girl is also inclined to resist parental authority. The conjunction of those characteristics is likely to make life difficult, and in some cases highly stressful for his mother, his father, his siblings, and his teacher.

This connection between hyperactivity and defiance has been documented clinically. Dr. Bill Maier, psychologist in residence at Focus on the Family, indicated that between 40 and 60 percent of kids with ADHD may have a condition known as Oppositional Defiant Disorder, or ODD, which manifests itself with a pattern of persistent arguing with adults; losing one’s temper frequently; refusing to follow orders; deliberately annoying others; and showing recurrent anger, resentfulness, spitefulness, and vindictiveness.1 ODD and ADHD is a volatile cocktail, to be sure.

Given this understanding, ADHD is a condition that we should consider carefully in our discussion of the strong-willed child. Thankfully, much definitive research has already been done. Many books on the subject of ADHD have been published in recent years; they’ve been written by researchers and clinicians who have spent their professional life working with and on behalf of affected children. Therefore, it is unnecessary for me to go into great detail here when other sources are so readily available. Instead, I will provide an overview of ADHD and address some of the disciplinary issues that are typically encountered with a tough-minded, hyperactive boy or girl.

First, let me speak to the controversy surrounding ADHD. Talk-show hosts, lay columnists, and many parents have strong opinions about this disorder, and some of the most vocal among them are simply wrong. The uninformed culture would tell us today that ADHD is a fad diagnosis without scientific support and that the problem would go away if parents simply knew how to discipline their kids better. It is not true. Certainly, many parents do need to learn better ways of managing their children, but that is another issue. ADHD is a physical and emotional disorder that has not been dreamed up by aggressive health professionals who claim to see it popping up everywhere. It may be overdiagnosed because there are no simple lab tests to confirm the condition; nevertheless, no evidence exists to indicate that parents and their doctors are routinely “drugging” kids unnecessarily or that a large number of teachers want to medicate students because they don’t have the skills to control them in the classroom. While some abuses may occur, those generalizations are unfair and inaccurate.

I can tell you from personal experience that when a boy or girl does have the disorder and when it is pronounced, it certainly doesn’t have to be concocted by somebody. I have seen ADHD kids—even preschoolers— who were all afterburner and no rudder. They could not hold still for more than a few seconds and seemed to be frantically driven from within. I remember one little two-year-old girl whose parents brought her to see me at Children’s Hospital. This toddler was virtually climbing on my head and shoulders within moments of entering my office. There was fatigue and frustration on the faces of her parents, who were worn out from chasing their little dynamo from morning to night. Try telling exhausted moms and dads like this couple that their child’s condition was imaginary. You’ll quickly learn how strongly they feel about your mistaken hypothesis.

With that, I’ll provide a primer for parents who suspect that their strong-willed child has ADHD. First, we’ll review a comprehensive cover story published about this subject in Time (1994), which is still accurate today.*

Fifteen years ago, no one had ever heard of attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder. Today it is the most common behavioral disorder in American children, the subject of thousands of studies and symposiums and no small degree of controversy. Experts on ADHD say it afflicts as many as 3.5 million youngsters, or up to 5 percent of those under 18. It is two or three times as likely to be diagnosed in boys as in girls. The disorder has replaced what used to be popularly called “hyperactivity,” and it includes a broader collection of symptoms. ADHD has three main hallmarks: extreme distractibility, an almost reckless impulsiveness, and in some but not all cases, a knee-jiggling, toe-tapping hyperactivity that makes sitting still all but impossible.

For children with ADHD, a ticking clock or sounds and sights caught through a window can drown out a teacher’s voice, although an intriguing project can absorb them for hours. Such children act before thinking; they blurt out answers in class. They enrage peers with an inability to wait their turn or play by the rules. These are the kids no one wants at a birthday party.

For kids who are hyperactive, the pattern is unmistakable, says Dr. Bruce Roseman, a pediatric neurologist with several offices in the New York City area, who has ADHD himself. “You say to the mother, ‘What kind of personality did the child have as a baby? Was he active, alert? Was he colicky?’ She’ll say, ‘He wouldn’t stop—waaah, waaah, waaah!’ You ask, ‘When did he start to walk?’ One mother said to me, ‘Walk? My son didn’t walk. He got his pilot’s license at one year of age. His feet haven’t touched the ground since.’ You ask, ‘Mrs. Smith, how about the terrible twos?’ She’ll start to cry, ‘You mean the terrible twos, threes, fours, the awful fives, the horrendous sixes, the awful eights, the divorced nines, the I-want-to-die tens!’ ”

There is no question that ADHD can disrupt lives. Kids with the disorder frequently have few friends. Their parents may be ostracized by neighbors and relatives, who blame them for failing to control the child. “I’ve gotten criticism of my parenting skills from strangers,” says the mother of a hyperactive boy in New Jersey. “When you’re out in public, you’re always on guard. Whenever I’d hear a child cry, I’d turn to see if it was because of Jeremy.”

School can be a shattering experience for such kids. Frequently reprimanded and tuned out, they lose any sense of self-worth and fall ever further behind in their work. More than a quarter are held back a grade; about a third fail to graduate from high school. ADHD kids are also prone to accidents, says neurologist Roseman. “These are the kids I’m going to see in the emergency room this summer. They rode their bicycle right into the street and didn’t look. They jumped off the deck and forgot it was high.”

But the psychological injuries are often greater. By ages five to seven, says Dr. Russell Barkley, author of Taking Charge of ADHD, half to two-thirds are hostile and defiant. By ages 10 to 12, they run the risk of developing what psychologists call “conduct disorder”—lying, stealing, running away from home and ultimately getting into trouble with the law. As adults, says Barkley, 25 percent to 30 percent will experience substance-abuse problems, mostly with depressants like marijuana and alcohol. One study of hyperactive boys found that 40 percent had been arrested at least once by age 18—and these were kids who had been treated with stimulant medication; among those who had been treated with the drug plus other measures, the rate was 20 percent—still very high.

It is an article of faith among ADHD researchers that the right interventions can prevent such dreadful outcomes. “If you can have an impact with these kids, you can change whether they go to jail or to Harvard Law School,” says psychologist Judith Swanson at the University of California Irvine. . . .

Whether ADHD is a brain disorder or simply a personality type, the degree to which it is a handicap depends not only on the severity of the traits but also on one’s environment. The right school, job or home situation can make all the difference. The lessons of ADHD are truisms. All kids do not learn in the same way. Nor are all adults suitable for the same line of work. Unfortunately, American society seems to have evolved into a one-size-fits-all system. Schools can resemble factories: put the kids on the assembly line, plug in the right components and send ’em out the door. Everyone is supposed to go to college; there is virtually no other route to success. In other times and in other places, there have been alternatives: apprenticeships, settling a new land, starting a business out of the garage, going to sea. In a conformist society, it becomes necessary to medicate some people to make them fit in.

Surely an epidemic of attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder is a warning to us all. Children need individual supervision. Many of them need more structure than the average helter-skelter household provides. They need a more consistent approach to discipline and schools that tailor teaching to their individual learning styles. Adults too could use a society that’s more flexible in its expectations, more accommodating to differences. Most of all, we all need to slow down. And pay attention.2

This article provides us with a basic understanding of ADHD in graphic terms. Sounds pretty scary, doesn’t it? However, before concluding that the disorder will condemn your child to a life of misery and failure, I have much more positive news for you. An excellent book, entitled Why A.D.H.D. Doesn’t Mean Disaster, published in 2004, was written by three of my professional colleagues.3 They are Dr. Walt Larimore, vice president of medical outreach at Focus on the Family; Mrs. Diane Passno, one of Focus on the Family’s executive vice presidents; and Dr. Dennis Swanberg, a minister, speaker, and beloved humorist. Dr. Swanberg and his son both have pronounced ADHD. Diane has a brilliant daughter, Danielle, who graduated from Dartmouth with a degree in engineering. She was high school valedictorian and homecoming queen, a state-champion athlete, and an all-around great kid. And, yes, she has ADHD too.

These authors are well-qualified to tell us how to live successfully with the disorder and to explain why it can actually be an asset. It will provide encouragement to every parent of a rip-snortin’, rootin’-tootin’, go-get-’em kid who is affected by ADHD.

The following quotation sets the tone for the book. It was written by Paul Elliott, M.D., who said:

In my opinion, the ADD brain structure is not truly an abnormality. In fact, I believe a very good case can be made that it is not only normal, though in the minority, but may well be a superior brain structure. However, the talents of the person with ADD brain structure are not those rewarded by our society in its current stage of development. In other words, the problems of the person with ADD are caused as much by the way we have our society, educational system, and the business methods organized as by other factors more directly related to the ADD itself.4

Mrs. Passno laid out her thesis:

Many parents need a new perspective about their kids who have been diagnosed with attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder. ADHD is a buzzword for our generation of parents and kids. The last thing in the world a parent wants to learn is that their beloved little bundle of joy has a prognosis that might limit his opportunities, particularly when he’s just starting out. The stereotype ADHD has given to these kids is simply awful. And most parents lack either the understanding or the confidence to challenge the conventional thinking.

Stereotyping kids is deceptive and dangerous. It can do unseen damage to a child’s understanding of who he is and what he is able to accomplish in life. As early as kindergarten, what most kids do when they are told they are destined to fail is they begin to live up to the expectation. They become classic underachievers.

[We] have a goldfish that will probably outlive everyone in our family. This twenty-nine-cent prize had been in a bowl on the kitchen sink for the past six years, swimming around and around in a tight little circle. One day, I moved Sgt. Pepper to a huge tank, six times the size of his old domain. For the first several days, he continued to swim in the same tight little circles the size of his old bowl. He didn’t understand that his world had expanded. In the same way, a child who becomes “that ADHD kid who drives everyone nuts” may never understand what he can accomplish with his unique set of gifts. And if he is never given permission to be anything different, most likely, he never will.5

Dennis Swanberg, who holds an earned Ph.D., weighed in on the subject, sharing his perspective as a person who has learned to cope very successfully with his own and his son’s ADHD. He wrote:

This book has been a particular passion of mine for years. It has been my privilege, first in the pulpit, and later as a public speaker with my own television program, to overcome the barriers ADHD poses and find the benefits. None of these successes were even on my radar screen when I was young and struggled simply to get through another day at school. But if I can make it, anyone can. I hope to encourage those of you who are having similar difficulties with raising a kid like I was.

Even so, our main purpose for writing this book is to encourage you and help you consider that attention deficit/ hyperactivity disorder can be a dividend rather than a disorder or mental disability. It can be turned into a blessing rather than a curse, an asset rather than a handicap. Sure, there will always be challenges and frustrations associated with something out of the ordinary like ADHD. But by the time you finish this book, we hope and pray that no matter whether you have ADHD yourself, or are the parent of an ADHD child, you will see your future from a hopeful new perspective.6

I think you get the flavor of the book and why I hope those of you who have an affected child will read it. It is filled with many success stories about kids and parents who overcame ADHD.

We’ll devote the balance of this chapter to a question-and-answer format. I’ll share the podium with my friend, Dr. Walt Larimore.

QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

Q: I know that I can’t diagnose my own son, but it would be helpful if you would list the kinds of behavior to look for in him. What are the typical characteristics of someone with ADHD?

A: Dobson: Psychiatrists Edward M. Hallowell and John J. Ratey are authors of an excellent book entitled Driven to Distraction.7 In it they list twenty symptoms that are often seen in a person with ADHD. These are among the criteria used by doctors to make the diagnosis:

1. A sense of underachievement, of not meeting one’s goals (regardless of how much one has accomplished)

2. Difficulty getting organized

3. Chronic procrastination or trouble getting started

4. Many projects going simultaneously; trouble with follow-through

5. Tendency to say what comes to mind without necessarily considering the timing or appropriateness of the remark

6. An ongoing search for high stimulation

7. A tendency to be easily bored

8. Easy distractibility, trouble focusing attention, tendency to tune out or drift away in the middle of a page or a conversation, often coupled with an ability to focus at times

9. Often creative, intuitive, highly intelligent

10. Trouble going through established channels, following proper procedure

11. Impatient; low tolerance for frustration

12. Impulsive, either verbally or in action, as in impulsive spending of money, changing plans, enacting new schemes or career plans, and the like

13. Tendency to worry needlessly, endlessly; tendency to scan the horizon looking for something to worry about alternating with inattention to or disregard for actual dangers

14. Sense of impending doom, insecurity, alternating with high risk-taking

15. Depression, especially when disengaged from a project

16. Restlessness

17. Tendency toward addictive behavior

18. Chronic problems with self-esteem

19. Inaccurate self-observation

20. Family history of ADD, manic-depressive illness, depression, substance abuse, or other disorders of impulse control or mood

Q: Does ADHD go away as children grow up? If not, what are the implications for the adult years?

A: Dobson: We used to believe the problem typically disappeared with the onset of puberty. That’s what I was taught in graduate school. Now it is known that ADHD is a lifelong condition for about two-thirds of those affected, influencing behavior from the cradle to the grave. The symptoms may lessen in time for some, but not for the majority. Some ADHD adults learn to be less disorganized and impulsive as they get older. They channel their energy into sports activities or professions in which they function very well. Others have trouble settling on a career or holding a job. Follow-through remains a problem as they flit from one task to another. They are particularly unsuited for desk jobs, such as accounting positions or other assignments that demand attention to detail, long hours of sitting, and the ability to juggle many balls at once.

Another characteristic of ADHD in adolescence and adulthood is the thirst for high-risk activity. Even as children, they are accident-prone, and their parents get well acquainted with the local emergency room personnel. As they get older, rock climbing, bungee jumping, car racing, motorcycle riding, white-water rafting, and related activities are among their favorite pursuits. Adults with ADHD are sometimes called “adrenaline junkies” because they are hooked on the high produced by the high octane adrenaline rush associated with dangerous behavior. Others are more susceptible to drug use, alcoholism, and other addictive behaviors. One study revealed that approximately 40 percent will have been arrested by eighteen years of age.8

Some of those who have ADHD are at higher risk for marital conflict too. It can be very irritating to a compulsive, highly ordered husband or wife to be married to a “messie”—someone whose life is chaotic and who forgets to pay the bills, fix the car, or keep records for income-tax reports. Such a couple may need professional counseling to help them learn to work together and capitalize on each other’s strengths.

Q: How common is ADHD?

A: Larimore: Here is what we know about the incidence of the disorder. The Journal of the American Medical Association (JAMA) stated that ADHD “is among the most common neurodevelopmental disorders in children.”9 The British Medical Journal estimated that approximately 7 percent of school-age children have ADHD—and that boys are affected three times as often as girls.10 A 1995 Virginia study showed that 8 percent to 10 percent of young school children were taking medication for ADHD.11 Boys are twice as likely to have ADHD and a learning disability. Rates of diagnosis of ADHD are twice as high in Caucasian children as in Latinos and African-Americans.12

Q: Are the brains of people with ADHD different?

A: Larimore: Although the cause of ADHD is unknown, the theories abound. Some believe it is associated with subtle differences in brain structure. Brain scans reveal a number of subtle changes in the brain of those diagnosed with ADHD. In fact, one of the former names for ADHD was “minimal brain disorder.”

Others say it’s related to neural pathways, neurotransmitters, or brain chemistry—particularly abnormalities in the brain chemical dopamine. Still other researchers believe ADHD is related to the brain’s blood supply or electrical system. Recent research has raised the question of whether frequent exposure in early childhood to rapid electronic stimuli (such as television and computers) might contribute to this problem.

Richard DeGrandpre, Ph.D., in his book Ritalin Nation: Rapid-Fire Culture and the Transformation of Human Consciousness theorizes about what he called a “sensory addiction phenomenon.”13 Dr. DeGrandpre believes that early exposure to electronic sensory bombardment, especially at a time when the brain is just forming connections and synapses, may result in biological or neurological effects, including, but not limited to, ADHD.

DeGrandpre believes that these effects can be exaggerated in the absence of parental structure. He points out that people in Western nations live in an incredibly stimulating world; there are constant stimuli experienced by even a very young child. I don’t know that we can really get rid of it all, but we can encourage parents to provide a structured environment so children can learn to deal with and perhaps limit these stimuli.

One source of information that may support DeGrandpre’s theory is the experience of the Amish, who typically forgo modern conveniences such as computers and television. Among these children who are protected from this stimulation, ADHD appears to be very uncommon. Researchers have reported that out of two hundred Amish children followed prospectively and compared with the non-Amish population, symptoms of ADHD were unusual.14

Q: What about prescription stimulant medications?

A: Larimore: Many parents call or write us at Focus on the Family to ask about using prescription medications for ADHD. They’ve heard the controversies and they are worried that starting a child on medication might be a bad decision. On the other hand, many worry that not prescribing it may also be harmful. They ask, “What should we do?”

Without doubt, the use of prescription drugs for both children and adults can be very successful as a short-term treatment of ADHD. There is a virtual mountain of evidence supporting the safety and effectiveness of using medications, although none of these studies extended for more than two years. According to these studies, 70 percent to 95 percent of ADHD patients benefit from appropriate medication.15 These medications seem to reduce disruptive behavior dramatically, improve school performance, and even raise IQ test scores. The medications seem to be equally effective for both boys and girls.

The most commonly prescribed drugs are Ritalin, Concerta, Strattera, Dexedrine, and Adderall. In most instances, these substances have a remarkably positive effect—at least for the short term.16

Q: There are so many options. Which is best?

A: Larimore: The treatment for ADHD should be individualized and tailored for each child and each family. So, while there is no “best” course of treatment, there are a number of excellent options. Learning more about them can assist you in working with your child’s physician in choosing among these alternatives.

One problem with some of the older ADHD medications was that their effects didn’t last more than a few hours at most. This meant that extra doses would have to be given at school or later in the afternoon once the child was home. Worse yet, when the short-acting medications wore off, a rebound effect sometimes occurred, during which the child’s symptoms and behaviors actually worsened! This not only created difficulty for the school, it also caused embarrassment for the child and led to noncompliance.

Other side effects of the stimulant medications included anxiety, nervousness, palpitations (irregular heartbeat), sweating, and insomnia (difficulty going to sleep). More rare side effects included irritability, mood swings, depression, withdrawal, hallucinations, and loss of spontaneity. The friends of one of my young patients told her, “Carla, please don’t take your medication before you come to our party. You’ll be no fun!”

But I have good news. Newer medications are now available to solve this problem for many patients. Every medication has undesirable side effects and should be administered only when indicated and appropriate. Ritalin, for example, has a number of potential side effects. It can reduce the appetite and cause insomnia in some patients. Nevertheless, for the vast majority of ADHD patients, newer prescription treatments are remarkably effective and safe.

Let me offer one caution, however. The main danger of drug abuse from stimulants is from your child’s friends or classmates who do not have ADHD and want to use the stimulant to get high. In one study, 16 percent of ADHD children had been approached to sell, give, or trade their medication.17 As shocking as those numbers are, the problem of Ritalin abuse seems to be worsening.

So to protect your ADHD child’s friends, be sure to carefully supervise their use of stimulants.

Q: My six-year-old son is not only hyperactive, but he wets the bed as well. Can you offer advice for dealing with that recurring problem?

A: Dobson: Your child probably suffers from enuresis, which usually occurs in children who are developmentally immature. It is more common in children with ADHD. Each child has his own timetable of maturation, and some are in no great hurry. However, enuresis can cause both emotional and social distress for the older child. Thus, it is wise that this problem be conquered during the early childhood years, if possible.

There have been some promising developments in recent years. In April 1999, Japanese researchers produced an electronic alarm that is effective in stopping kids from bed-wetting. The machine, which was devised by a urologist and a telephone maker, measures a child’s brain waves and monitors the bladder. When a child has to urinate, the alarm goes off and tells the child it is time to go to the toilet.18

An alarm works well with children because bed-wetting often occurs during very deep sleep, making it difficult for them to learn nighttime control on their own. Their mind does not respond to the signal or reflex action that ordinarily awakens light sleepers. The alarm is loud enough to awaken most deep sleepers and get them to the bathroom.

Consult your family physician or a urologist for the best course of treatment for your child. There is a range of options now available for you, including a drug called Desmopressin, which helps regulate urine production.

Q: I am not sure if my son has ADHD, but he is hyperactive and drives everyone crazy. He simply does not fit in with his peers. He always seems to be left out when other kids play, and he has trouble making friends. He just won’t, or can’t, carry on a sustained conversation with other children and usually winds up acting silly and driving them away. Does this sound like ADHD? Do you have any advice on how we can make him fit in better with the group?

A: Dobson: There are many disorders that could account for the characteristics you describe. ADHD is only one of them. Another is Asperger syndrome, which is a neurological problem related to autism. Yet another is called Rett syndrome. And still another is called Tourette syndrome. In some cases, there is no defined diagnosis. In other cases, the unique personality of a particular child without an abnormality may simply irritate other children and bring on rejection and ridicule.

We now know that an individual’s success in life, along with his personal happiness, depends greatly on his emotional intelligence— his ability to function well in a group and develop strong relationships. Psychologist Willard Hartup of the University of Minnesota said, “Children who are generally disliked, who are aggressive and disruptive, who are unable to sustain close relationships with other children and who cannot establish a place for themselves in the peer culture, are seriously at risk in the years ahead.” Intervention for these youngsters is obviously needed and can be very beneficial.19

Once more, let me emphasize that it is extremely important for parents to recognize the complexity of children and seek professional help when needed. Assistance for a child with specialized needs is available in most cities today, but you as a parent have to find it. University child-development centers might be a good place to begin your search.

Q: Is ADHD inherited?

A: Larimore: There is increasing evidence from medical studies that genetic factors play a role in ADHD. Jacquelyn Gillis and her team, then at the University of Colorado, reported in 1992 that the risk of ADHD in a child whose identical twin has the disorder is between eleven and eighteen times greater than that of a nontwin sibling of a child with ADHD. She showed that between 55 percent and 92 percent of the identical twins of children with ADHD eventually develop the condition.20

A large study in Norway of 526 identical twins (who inherit exactly the same genes) and 389 fraternal twins (who are no more alike genetically than siblings born years apart) found that these children had nearly an 80 percent chance of inheriting ADHD. They concluded that up to 80 percent of the differences in attention, hyperactivity, and impulsivity between people with ADHD and those without the disorder can be explained by genetic factors.21

What does this mean for your family? Simply that if one or both of the parents have ADHD, their child is more likely to have ADHD as well. If that is the case, dealing with an affected child may remind Mom or Dad of some painful memories from their own childhood or teenage years. This can make it even more difficult to deal with the child. Furthermore, the unaffected siblings may be more likely to have children of their own with ADHD. These are just a few of the reasons why many therapists recommend counseling for the entire family.

Q: What are some of the ways that ADHD affects the family?

A: ADHD is not a problem that affects only the affected individual. The time and effort required to deal with ADHD can significantly disrupt the entire family.

In most families, the mother has the greatest emotional, relational, and spiritual risk in caring for an ADHD child. Although these kids can be intensely loving, they can also turn on their moms in a second. They can be verbally or emotionally abusive to their parents, which can wound parents deeply. They can be wonderful one day and horrible the next—or they can change from hour to hour.

Moms of ADHD kids need to quickly give up the delusion that their homes will be immaculate or that every meal will be a joyous family affair. ADHD parents have to learn that they are not perfect and that they may need help. Not only can they be rejected and hurt by their child, these parents may have to face the rejection, hostility, or animosity of children, other adults, or neighbors.

The ADHD child is often physically aggressive and must be taught to convert physical aggression into verbal expression (a skill some adults need to learn!). He or she may be verbally abusive. Once again, learning how to teach your child to redirect this harmful behavior into constructive behavior is essential. Parents of ADHD kids quickly learn that they cannot force or coerce their kids to be like “normal” kids—many of them will never adhere to that ideal. They are wired differently, and their parents need to learn a wide variety of parenting skills to cope with, teach, train, and creatively discipline these unique kids.

Let’s not forget the siblings. They also have to live with the ADHD child—who can make life miserable for his unaffected brothers and sisters. Medical studies are beginning to show that siblings can also be at risk for emotional problems. These siblings can be chronically victimized by the ADHD child, who may bully them; verbally or physically abuse them; and be intense, demanding, and obnoxious.

Further, if siblings do not receive the attention and time that they need and deserve—because of the time and effort diverted to the ADHD child—they may feel alienated, rejected, or unloved. These feelings can lead to a range of behavioral problems, especially in adolescence. Therefore, many ADHD care providers recommend that siblings be part of the family counseling. The good news is that the skills these siblings gain will be helpful to them for life.

Q: What about homeschooling for ADHD youngsters?

A: : Larimore: For many kids with learning difficulties, homeschooling can be an educational alternative—especially for the parents who are dedicated to doing this and are willing to do what is required. I have talked to many doctors of ADHD patients who relate encouraging examples of kids who have done much better when they’ve entered a homeschool environment.

Q: We have a five-year-old son who has been diagnosed with ADHD. He is really difficult to handle, and I have no idea how to manage him. I know he has a neurological problem, so I don’t feel right about making him obey like we do our other children. It is a big problem for us. What do you suggest?

A: Dobson: I understand your dilemma, but I urge you to discipline your son. Every youngster needs the security of defined limits, and the ADHD boy or girl is no exception. Such a child should be held responsible for his or her behavior, although the approach may be a little different. For example, most children can be required to sit on a chair for disciplinary reasons, whereas some very hyperactive children would not be able to remain there. Similarly, corporal punishment is sometimes ineffective with a highly excitable little bundle of electricity. As with every aspect of parenthood, disciplinary measures for the ADHD child must be suited to his or her unique characteristics and needs.

Q: How, then, should I discipline my ADHD child?

A: Dobson: Let me offer some guidelines for how to train and guide your youngster. The following eighteen suggestions were included in an excellent book by Dr. Domeena Renshaw, The Hyperactive Child.22 Regrettably, her book is now out of print, but her advice is still valid.

1. Be consistent in rules and discipline.

2. Keep your own voice quiet and slow. Anger is normal. Anger can be controlled. Anger does not mean you do not love a child.

3. Try hard to keep your emotions cool by bracing for expected turmoil. Recognize and respond to any positive behavior, however small. If you search for good things, you will find a few.

4. Avoid a ceaselessly negative approach: “Stop”—“ Don’t”—“ No.”

5. Separate behavior, which you may not like, from the child’s person, whom you like, e.g., “I like you. I don’t like your tracking mud through the house.”

6. Have a very clear routine for this child. Construct a timetable for waking, eating, playing, watching TV, studying, doing chores, and going to bed. Follow it flexibly when he disrupts it. Slowly your structure will reassure him until he develops his own.

7. Demonstrate new or difficult tasks using action accompanied by short, clear, quiet explanations. Repeat the demonstration until learned. This uses audiovisual-sensory perceptions to reinforce the learning. The memory traces of a hyperactive child take longer to form. Be patient and repeat.

8. Designate a separate room or a part of a room that is his own special area. Avoid brilliant colors or complex patterns in decor. Simplicity, solid colors, minimal clutter, and a worktable facing a blank wall away from distractions assist concentration. A hyperactive child cannot filter out overstimulation himself yet.

9. Do one thing at a time: Give him one toy from a closed box; clear the table of everything else when he’s coloring; turn off the radio/TV when he is doing homework. Multiple stimuli prevent him from concentrating on his primary task.

10. Give him responsibility, which is essential for growth. The task should be within his capacity, although the assignment may need much supervision. Acceptance and recognition of his efforts (even when imperfect) should not be forgotten.

11. Read his pre-explosive warning signals. Quietly intervene to avoid explosions by distracting him or discussing the conflict calmly. Removal from the battle zone to the sanctuary of his room for a few minutes is useful.

12. Restrict playmates to one or at most two at one time, because he is so excitable. Your home is most suitable so you can provide structure and supervision. Explain your rules to the playmate and briefly tell the other parent your reasons.

13. Do not pity, tease, be frightened by, or overindulge this child. He has a special condition of the nervous system that is manageable.

14. Know the name and dose of his medication. Give it regularly. Watch and remember the effects to report back to your physician.

15. Openly discuss with your physician any fears you have about the use of medications.

16. Lock up all medications to avoid accidental misuse.

17. Always supervise the taking of medication, even if it is routine over a long period of years. Responsibility remains with the parents! One day’s supply at a time can be put in a regular place and checked routinely as he becomes older and more self-reliant.

18. Share your successful “helps” with his teacher. The outlined ways to help your hyperactive child are as important to him as diet and insulin are to a diabetic child.

Q: What else would you recommend to parents?

A: Larimore: Learn as much as you can about the disorder. Successful management of ADHD involves a range of options, and you need to become acquainted with them. They begin with the diagnosis.

People living with ADHD are usually greatly relieved to learn that they have an identifiable, treatable condition. They are gratified (as are their parents) to learn that they’ve done nothing wrong. This condition is not caused; people are born with it. It’s part of their design and makeup. Best of all, God can and does use ADHD in His particular plan for their life.

One organization that may be able to help is CHADD (Children and Adults with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder). It has an exceptional amount of evidence-based and trustworthy information available and can identify some parent support groups. However, let me share a caution here. Parent support groups, if not carefully organized, can turn into “gripe-and-whine” sessions. That is not helpful and is sometimes discouraging. All of us need someone to gripe to on occasion, no doubt, but there should be some direction to the group. Someone needs to say, “Okay, now that we’ve heard everyone’s complaints, what can we do about them?” I’ve known parents who came home from such a group and reacted negatively to their child because of what they talked about at the support group. That’s not helpful for the parent or the child.

Second, commit to giving your child unconditional love. The most important treatment for children with ADHD is abundant affection and affirmation. They are frequently accused of not trying, of being lazy, of not being a good kid. Teachers get angry at them. Some classmates get upset with them because they often don’t do well in school, and they begin to treat them disrespectfully. My heart goes out to these youngsters.

Let’s face it, these ADHD kids don’t always make us feel or look good. Love, to me, is being committed to doing what this individual kid needs, regardless of the circumstances. These children often have greater needs than those who are not affected.

Many times they feel like they are second-class individuals. I’ve had kids in my practice tell me, “There’s something wrong with me.” I’ve had ADHD children actually say, “God made a mistake when He put me together. That’s why I’m here.”

Part of loving these special kids is to help them discover the great giftedness that God has given them—to show them that God didn’t make a mistake when He made them.

Children simply do not all have to fit the same mold, even in school. For many of these youngsters, parents may need to de-emphasize academics. Simply put, for many ADHD kids, there are things that are more important than academics, such as being loved and accepted by family and friends just the way that God made them. Your child needs to understand that God has a place for her and has given her a special gift, and that she does have specialized abilities. She needs to know that you are going to work with her to discover and develop those special gifts and skills, and that you can’t wait to see what God’s going to do with her. This may be far more important to your ADHD child than getting too excited over the fact that she is not doing quite as well in the classroom as others.

Loving these kids unconditionally does not mean expecting them to do less than their best—the best that they can do. It does mean directing and encouraging them to overcome challenges and achieve those things that they are uniquely gifted in doing.

The important point to make to your child is that a diagnosis of ADHD is not a handicap. He is in the same boat as some famous people, who, if not officially diagnosed with the disorder, had symptoms and behaviors remarkably akin to those with ADHD: Albert Einstein, Tom Cruise, Henry Winkler (the Fonz!), John Lennon, Winston Churchill, Henry Ford, Stephen Hawking, Alexander Graham Bell, Presidents Woodrow Wilson, John F. Kennedy, and Dwight D. Eisenhower, Generals George Patton and William Westmoreland . . . and the list goes on. What a remarkable group of which to be a part!

CHAPTER TWELVE A FINAL WORD OF ENCOURAGEMENT

IT’S TIME NOW to put a ribbon on this pleasant foray into the life of strong-willed children and those who have the responsibility of raising them. I’ll close by sharing a few thoughts that come straight from my heart.

Many wonderful emotions accompany the exhilarating privilege of bringing a baby into the world and then watching that little tyke begin to grow and learn and develop. How well I remember our son and daughter taking their first step, saying their first word, riding their first tricycle, praying their first prayer, and progressing rapidly through the many other exciting milestones of childhood. The first day of kindergarten was a highly emotional morning for me, when I placed our precious little girl on the steps of the bus, moved back to take her picture, and watched as she and the other children rode slowly down the street. Then I wiped away a tear as I walked back to the house. Our baby was growing up.

There would be many other joyful and bittersweet experiences along the way, as Shirley and I gradually realized the breathtaking brevity of the parenting years. Even when our kids were in elementary school, we were already starting to dread the day when our parenting responsibilities would be over. Predictably, in what seemed like a moment of time, a cold wind of change blew through our home, leaving an empty nest that took some getting used to.

Yes, being a mom or dad is one of the most marvelous experiences in living, and I feel compassion for infertile couples who have been denied the privilege of procreation. But men and women who are granted that precious gift know that a measure of pain and sorrow comes with it. Kids often struggle with a variety of learning problems, physical disabilities, accidents, diseases, and/or social difficulties. Then come the tumultuous years of adolescence when, for some teens more than others, every day can be a challenge. All of these stress points are exacerbated when a child has a willful temperament and a tendency to fuss and argue and disobey. Parents raising such a youngster sometimes feel as though they live every day on a battlefield.

It is on behalf of those frustrated, discouraged, and confused parents that I have written this book. I have wanted, especially, to put an arm around moms and dads who feel like an utter failure in this most important responsibility in life. They (perhaps you) wanted to be a perfect parent, doing that job with greater success than any other. Instead, it now looks as though every good intention has been misinterpreted, resented, and resisted. Is that where you are today?

At times do you find yourself thinking, I love this kid more than anything in the world, but I don’t really like him or her very much? We can’t get along for more than ten minutes without clashing over relatively insignificant matters. Why does this child make me so angry, when what I want most is harmony and love? Why is our relationship so unsatisfying and disturbing? What did I do to mess up something that began with such promise and hope? Not only have I failed my child, I have failed God, too.

Let’s talk about those feelings for a moment, which are common at one time or another within almost all caring moms and dads. Parenthood can be a very guilt-inducing proposition. Babies come into our life when we are young and immature, and there are no instruction manuals to guide our first halting steps. There is no manufacturing tag on a newborn’s wrist that says, “Some assembly required.” So we take these tiny human beings home with us, not yet knowing who they are, and then proceed to bumble along as best we can. As a consequence, many of the day-by-day decisions we make on their behalf are the result of sheer guesswork, as we hope against hope that we are doing the right thing. Our own inadequacies also get in the way. We become tired and frustrated and selfish, which sometimes affects our judgment. In those moments, we react without thinking and realize the next morning that we handled things all wrong.

In short, children are so maddeningly complex that it is impossible to raise them without making many blunders and mistakes. After about twenty years of on-the-job training, we begin to figure out what parenting is all about. By then it is time to let go and pretend we don’t care anymore.

Added to these difficulties are our own personal problems, which can include marital conflict or divorce, physical illness, financial pressures, and the other cares of living. Our unmet needs, such as those experienced by single parents, also can lead us into behavior that will later seem terribly foolish. Do I sound as though I’m whining here? I hope not. I’m simply attempting to articulate the discomfort that occurs for parents of strong-willed children when they begin to feel that they have botched the assignment. (The parents of compliant children may not fully understand this emotional reaction, although there is usually enough stress in child rearing to affect everybody.)

Despite these discouraging moments, it is my firm conviction that bearing and raising children is worth everything it costs us. Along with the difficulties come the greatest joys and rewards life has to offer. How could that be true? How can the very thing that brings us anxiety and frustration be the source of such happiness and fulfillment? There is an obvious contradiction here that bears consideration.

Christian writer C. S. Lewis tried to express the palpable pain that he experienced when he lost his wife to cancer. He would not have been so devastated by her passing, he said, if he had not allowed himself to love her with all his heart. In the movie Shadowlands, based on this period of Lewis’s life, he wondered if it would have been better never to have loved at all and avoided the risk of losing the woman he adored. It would certainly have been safer to live in a fortress, protecting himself from disappointment and grief by remaining emotionally detached and uncaring. Lewis considered these responses to sorrow and concluded that, in the end, love is worth the risk. This is the way he penned it:

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully around with hobbies and little luxuries . . . lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket— safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. . . . The only place outside heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers of love is hell!1

Then Lewis concluded: “We love to know that we are not alone.”

Doesn’t this insight speak eloquently of the pain associated with parenthood? It certainly does to me. This is what bearing and raising children comes down to. Loving those we have borne is a risky business, but one that also brings great joy and happiness. Even though there are often trials and tears associated with the challenge, it is a noble journey. We as parents are given the privilege of taking the raw materials that comprise a brand-new human being and then molding him or her day-by-day into a mature, disciplined, productive, and God-fearing adult who will someday live in eternity. Doing that job right, despite its setbacks and disappointments, is one of the greatest achievements in living.

I want to offer hope to those moms and dads today who are demoralized at this stage of the journey. First, you must recognize that strong-willed children are not a liability, and you should never let yourself feel victimized or cheated by having borne one of them. DO NOT compare your child with the “perfect” children of your relatives or friends. They will have their share of problems too in time. Admittedly, a tough-minded kid is tougher to raise and at times may push you right to the edge. But that wonderful assertiveness and determination will be an asset when your child is grown. That irritating temperament was a gift from God, and He makes no mistakes.

You should also recognize that these kids often possess a certain strength of character that will help them grab the opportunities that come their way. When they make up their minds to reach for something, they are likely to stay with it until the goal is achieved. They are also less susceptible to peer pressure, maybe not during early adolescence, but as maturity begins to set in. What I said before bears repeating. Though they typically argue and fight and complain throughout their years at home, the majority will turn around when they reach young adulthood and do what their parents most desire. Better days are around the corner.

However, the realization of that potential appears to depend on the provision of a structured early home environment led by loving, fair-minded mothers and fathers who are clearly tougher and wiser than their children. Those who are reasonably effective in shaping the will without breaking the spirit are going to appreciate the person their child eventually becomes.

That is what we found when we surveyed thirty-five thousand parents. More than 85 percent of adult strong-willed children who rebelled significantly during their teenage years came back to what they had been taught—entirely or at least somewhat. Only 15 percent were so headstrong that they rejected their family’s core values in their midtwenties. These findings tell us that you, too, are probably doing a better job with your kids than you think. Future years will confirm that the guilt that haunted your thoughts and invaded your dreams was unjustified and self-imposed.

In short, the youngster who sometimes exasperates you today probably has little green buds growing all over his tree, even if all you see now are the barren twigs of winter. It will take time for him or her to flower, of course, but springtime is on its way. Trust me on this one.

It is always encouraging for me to hear from parents who have lived through the stresses of parenting and discovered that the principles of good parenting are valid. They work because they came from the Creator of children. One mother of a very strong-willed child sent me a letter some years ago after concluding, much too early, that my advice didn’t work and that I must not have understood hardnosed youngsters like her own. This is what she wrote:

Dear Dr. Dobson:

After purchasing your b ook, The Strong-Willed Child, I must tell you I was disappointed. The beginning was encouraging, but then the rest was devoted to general child-rearing techniques. I thought the entire book would be written about the strong-willed child. Are you sure you know what one is? Nearly every child is strong-willed, but not every child is “strong-willed!”

Our third (and last) daughter is “strong-willed!” She is twenty-one months old now, and there have been times when I thought she must be abnormal. If she had been my firstborn child there would have been no more in this family. She had colic day and night for six months, then we just quit calling it that. She was simply unhappy all the time. She began walking at eight months and she became a merciless bully with her sisters. She pulled hair, bit, hit, pinched, and pushed with all her might. She yanked out a handful of her sister’s long black hair.

This mother went on to describe the characteristics of her tyrannical daughter, which I have heard thousands of times. She then closed, advising me to give greater emphasis to the importance of corporal punishment for this kind of youngster.

I wrote her a cordial letter in reply and told her I understood the frustration. I attempted to encourage her and offer hope for the future. Five years later, she wrote me again:

Dear Dr. Dobson,

This letter is long overdue, but thank you! Thank you for a caring reply to what was probably not a very nice letter from a discouraged mom. Thank you for your positive remarks, the first I had had in a long time.

Perhaps you would be interested in an update on our Sally Ann. Back when I wrote to you, she was probably a perfect “10” when it came to strong-willedness. “Difficult” hardly scratches the surface of descriptive words for her babyhood. As Christian parents, we tried every scriptural method we could find for dealing with her. I had decided she was abnormal. Something so innocent as offering her morning juice (which she loved) in the wrong glass threw her into thirty minutes of tantrums—and this was before she could really talk! Family dinners were a nightmare.

Before she turned two, Sally Ann would regularly brutalize her older sisters, ages four, eight, and twelve, even bringing the twelve-year-old to tears many times. A spanking from me did not deter her in the least. Finally, in prayer one day the Lord plainly showed me that her sisters must be allowed to retaliate—something I was strictly against (and still am!). However, in this case, all I can say is that it worked. I carefully and clearly told my three girls (with little Sally Ann in my lap) what they were to do the next time they were attacked by their littlest sister: they were to give her a good smack on the top of her chubby little leg, next to her diaper. Sally got the point: within two days the attacks ceased.

Disciplining our youngest was never easy, but with God’s help, we persevered. When she had to be spanked, we could expect up to an hour of tantrums. It would have been so easy to give in and ignore the misbehavior, but I am convinced that, without it, our Sally would have become at best a holy terror, and at worst, mentally ill. Tell your listeners that discipline does pay off, when administered according to the Word of God.

Sally today is a precious seven-year-old and a joy to her family. She is still rather strong-willed, but it is well within normal limits now! She is very bright and has a gentle, creative, and sympathetic nature unusual in one so young. I know the Lord has great plans for her. She has already asked Jesus into her life and knows how to call upon Him when she has a need (like fear from a nightmare, etc.).

In conclusion, though I still don’t think you went far enough in your book, loving discipline certainly is the key. With perseverance!

Thank you and may God’s continued blessing be upon you and your household and your ministry, through Jesus Christ our Lord.

In His love,

Mrs. W. W.

Once again, I wrote to this mother and concluded with these words:

Thank you too, Mrs. W., for your original letter and for this update. It was a special treat to hear from you again. You’re obviously on the right track with Sally Ann. Hang in there during the adolescent challenges that still lie before you.

James Dobson

If Mrs. W. reads this revised edition of The New Strong-Willed Child, I want her to know that I had her in mind when I set out to rewrite it. I’d like to ask her if I got it closer to the target this second time around. She sounds like a mom I would like to meet.

Let’s review the important concepts I have put forward one more time, focusing especially on the principles calculated to produce a positive outcome in the years to come.

1. You should not blame yourself for the temperament with which your child was born. She is simply a tough kid to handle, and your task is to match her stride for stride.

2. Your strong-willed child is in greater danger because of his inclination to test the limits and scale the walls. Your utmost diligence and wisdom will be required to deal with him. You simply have to be tougher than he is, but do it without being angry and oppressive.

3. If you fail to understand his lust for power and independence, you can exhaust your resources and bog down in guilt. It will benefit no one.

4. For parents who have just begun, take charge of your baby now, hold tightly to the reins of authority, and quickly begin building into her an attitude of respect and obedience. You will need every ounce of awe you can muster in coming years. Once you have established your right to lead, begin to let go of the reins systematically, year by year.

5. Don’t panic, even during the storms of adolescence. They never last forever. The sun will shine again, producing, perhaps, a beautiful rainbow over your spirit. You’re going to get through this.

6. Don’t let your child stray too far from you emotionally. Stay in touch. Don’t write him off, even when your every impulse is to do just that. He needs you now more than ever before.

7. Give that kid time to find herself, even if she appears not to be searching.

8. Most importantly, I urge you to hold your children before the Lord in fervent prayer day by day by day. Begin every morning with a prayer for wisdom and guidance. I am convinced that there is no other true source of confidence in parenting. There is not enough knowledge in the books, mine or anyone else’s, to counteract the evil that surrounds our kids today. We must bathe them in fervent prayer when we are in our prayer closet, saying words similar to these:

“Lord, You know my inadequacies. You know my weaknesses, not only in parenting, but in every area of my life. I’m doing the best I can to raise my kids properly, but it may not be good enough. As You provided the fish and the loaves to feed the five thousand hungry people, now take my meager effort and use it to bless my family. Make up for the things I do wrong. Satisfy the needs that I have not met. Compensate for my blunders and mistakes. Wrap Your great arms around my children, and draw them close to You. And be there when they stand at the great crossroads between right and wrong. All I can give them is my best, and I will continue to do that. I submit them to You now and rededicate myself to the task You have placed before me. The outcome rests securely in Your hands.”

I’ve found that God is faithful, as a loving Father, to hear and answer that cry of the heart. Turn to Him for solace when you’ve reached the end of your rope. He will be there to comfort you and work within the soul of your beloved child.

Well, we began this discussion twelve chapters ago with the story of our dog, Siggie, and his revolutionary tendencies. Let’s end with an update. Siggie is long gone now, but we still miss him. It’s hard to explain how a worthless old hound could be so loved by his family, although I’m sure other dog lovers will understand our sentiment. We were somewhat prepared for Siggie’s demise, after being told by the vet that he had developed a progressive heart leak, but the moment of crisis came without warning.

I was brushing my teeth early one morning when I heard Siggie’s sharp cry. He could scream like a baby, and my wife rushed to his assistance.

“Jim, come quickly!” she said. “Siggie is having a heart attack!” I rushed into the family room, toothbrush still in hand. Siggie was lying just outside his bed, and he appeared to be in great pain. He was hunched down on his paws; his eyes unfocused and glassy. I bent down and petted him gently and agreed that he was probably dying. I was not sure what to do for a dog in the midst of a heart attack, since paramedics are somewhat sensitive about offering their services to animals. I certainly wasn’t going to give him CPR. I picked up Siggie and laid him carefully on his bed, and he rolled on one side and remained completely motionless. His feet were rigidly held together, and it did, indeed, look as though the end had come.

I returned to my study to telephone the veterinarian, but Shirley called me again. She had taken a closer look at the immobile dog and discovered the nature of his problem. (Are you ready for this?) There are little claws or toenails on the sides of a dog’s legs, and Siggie had somehow managed to get them hooked! That is why he couldn’t move, and why he yelped when he tried to walk. There is not another dog anywhere in the world that could have handcuffed (pawcuffed?) himself, but with Siggie anything was possible. Shirley unhooked his toenails, and the senile old dog celebrated by running around like a puppy again.

When I am an old man thinking back on the joys of parenting—the Christmas seasons and the camping trips and the high-pitched voices of two bubbly children in our home—I will also remember a stubborn little dachshund named Sigmund Freud and his mild-mannered canine successor, Mindy, who made such important contributions to our family throughout those happy days. One of them was stubborn as a mule; the other just wanted to do everything right. But we loved them both, and so it was with our children. One of them was strong-willed and the other compliant (but sneaky at times). They are grown now, and both of them turned out to be great human beings who love their parents (especially me) and are deeply committed to Jesus Christ. It doesn’t get any better than that.

“I have no greater joy than to hear that my

children are walking in the truth.”

(3 JOHN 1:4)