Essay revised

PEER REVIEW WORKSHEET

Your Name:_ Aqwaynaa _ Mitchell ______________________________

Essay Writer’s Name:__ Ilhaim Braimah _________________________

NOTE: This is the sheet that you will use to write comments on the rough draft of another student from our class. There are two important guidelines: first (and this probably goes without saying): be respectful with your comments. You will each be writing a set of comments and also will be receiving a set of comments from another student, so you should write the sort of comments that you would like to receive from someone else. But, at the same time, you should aim at making constructive criticisms. If all you do is say, “This is a great essay, I really enjoyed reading it,” you aren’t helping the writer find ways to improve it. So please follow the prompts below, and try to write as much as possible in response to each one. Also, try to be specific and cite some examples: rather than just saying, for example, “I really liked the way you used quotes from the text,” try something like: “I thought the way you used quotes in the first paragraph on page two was really effective, because it helped the reader understand your argument a lot more clearly.” Finally, please DO NOT make any comments about sentence-level issues like spelling, grammar, punctuation, etc. These are important issues, but you should not be worried about them yet at this stage; they will come later.

1. The strongest thing about this essay is (please write at least 3 sentences):

The strongest thing about your essay is your referencing and flow. Your essay has great explanation about the book is basically about. Also, I like that you show how she uses her quotes from other authors to explain her point of view.

2. The thing in this essay that needs the most improvement is (please write at least 3 sentences):

I think you need to reread it because in some sentences you used the wrong words. In the first paragraph you wrote, “people are unemployment” I think you meant unemployed these are mistakes I am sure I made as well. Also, I would like to know what you think about each point she is making it more like your just summarizing the book each paragraph with little to say about it. I get that you agree with her but why.

3. Here is what I think the main idea/central argument of this essay is (summarize this in one sentence):

Your main point is in your argument that you do think prisons are obsolete.

4. Identify all the places in the essay where the writer uses a quote from Are Prisons Obsolete? or from another text we have read. Then comment on how well the writer is using quotations. Is it clear why the quotations are there? Is the author doing some work to analyze these quotations and to make them part of her/his argument? Is the writer focusing on the techniques that Angela Davis uses to make her argument?

You use quotes in the body of your essay which are all from Are Prisons Obsolete?. You also focus on her techniques throughout the essay but there is no connection to what you think about her statements and evidence.

5. Write some comments on how well the writer has organized her/his essay—if there are places where you got confused while you were reading or where the transitions seemed shaky, please write these down. Also, does this essay effectively address the assignment?

Your essay has and introduction body paragraphs and a conclusion which is great. You also stay on topic with the part of the assignment that is to show Davis’s techniques in this book. But this essay needs more of your view in each paragraph. Is what she saying still relevant to today? What is your evidence? Two of our readings are only a year old. So those are very relevant to now?

6. When the writer revises this essay, s/he should (please make two specific and concrete suggestions):

Show your point of view and reread to correct word usage.

TO THE WRITER OF THE ESSAY: Now that you have read these comments, write one paragraph in response to them. Summarize what your peer reviewer has to say about your essay, and what you plan to work on in your next revision.