Essay of a Journal 6 Min 350 words

|06|identifying exceptions and RECOGNIZING WINS

“We can always choose to perceive things differently.

We can focus on what’s wrong in our life, or we can

focus on what’s right.” Marianne Williamson

RECOGNIZING WINS | 98

Where We Have Been In the previous chapter, you learned the concept of neuroplasticity, the brain’s ability to be “plastic” or “changeable” in nature by actually growing new neural pathways when tasked with creating new thinking patterns. You also discovered that you cannot always trust your thoughts as they can get stuck in the habit of delivering faulty information based on self-limiting and self-sabotaging beliefs. You were also introduced to the concept of cognitive reframing, which highlights your ability to view the same information or experience through a different and more productive frame of reference. And finally, we shared the narrative concept of externalizing problems; the concept invited you to examine whether your self-concept was too closely defined by common problems like procrastination, anxiety, or overwhelm. We further examined what steps to take to start to have a constructive relationship with externalized problems by dialoguing with them as a way of escaping their impact.

Where We Are Going In this chapter, we will dive deeply into the concept of finding exceptions to problem-saturated stories. Returning again to Angela, we will use her story as a teaching tool as we bring into focus exactly how the narrative process is engineered to discover these exceptions to problems. Highlighting her process will set the stage for you to highlight your own as you begin inquiring into your own personal narrative in a way that draws on actual evidence from your own life story thus far.

In this chapter, you will come to find that you, like us all, have unexamined exceptions to the problem-laden beliefs that may be hard to abandon. Because of this, you will be taught how to explore the creative process of finding exceptions—those times when despite all odds and the many neural pathways that have already been carved so deeply to support the dominance of problems, something exceptional still occurred (Figure 1).

Gearing Up » To develop a new relationship to your problem(s), now that you have learned to

externalize them

» To expand your non-cognitive vernacular (generate more words to convey the Big 7)

» To take cognitive reframing to the next level by learning how to find exceptions to your problems (times the problem wasn’t in control)

» To understand the neuroscience behind asking the right questions and visualizing yourself as successful in combating the effects of your problem(s)

» To see the importance of recognizing wins in your life

» To recognize that your wins are not context dependent, but “you” dependent

Figure 1. Exceptions can be found anywhere, even in something as

simple as paying a bill on time

rather than letting the problem of

procrastination take over.

Exceptions those times when a problem could

have taken control but did not

RECOGNIZING WINS | 99 In this chapter, we will be investigating those mighty exceptions because they serve as the entryway into updating a new and more life-giving narrative. In Chapter 5, you played with identifying the problem or problems that most often attempt to commandeer your story. In this chapter, you will be keeping these problems in mind as you are led through a process of finding exceptions and recognizing wins.

Discovering Your Hidden Qualities

In narrative coaching, finding exceptions to problems is about finding the overlooked instances that contradict the unwanted, problem-dominated narrative. They avail themselves to you as the inroad for revising your story and then living in greater accordance to the more desired and alternate narrative. To be clear, they do not represent lies, or the stretching of truth, but are instead hidden aspects of who you are that weren’t given credence because they didn’t fit within the overriding story.

As we lead you through this process, you will essentially be trained to pay attention to yourself in a different way. You will tune your mind and your heart into the moments and episodes of hope, strength, optimism, and humor that can all too easily be drowned out by the often louder and more demanding problem-saturated narrative. It is when you discover qualities like hope, strength, optimism, and humor that you can see how they can influence your capacity to develop the Big 7 non-cogs even further.

“The simple act of paying attention can take you a long way.”

Keanu Reeves

Angela’s Hidden Qualities

Take a moment to re-read Angela’s unexamined personal narrative in Chapter 3. As you do, attempt to notice the places where qualities are hiding. Where do you find exceptions to the problem-saturated story in her unexamined personal narrative?

Following is a list of the most obvious exceptions to her problem-saturated story. As you can see, each exception is an example of at least one non-cognitive competency.

» She enjoyed learning = growth mindset, emotional intelligence

» She did well in high school = perseverance, self-control

» Her teacher noticed her interest in the subject = growth mindset

» She was open to exploring going to college, even though she would be the first in her family, and among the first in her community to do so = confidence

RECOGNIZING WINS | 100

» She navigated the rigors of the college application process = perseverance, self-control

» She had positive relationships: her teacher, her high school counselor, her friends, and her sister = emotional intelligence

» She cares about other people = emotional intelligence

» She has empathy for other people = emotional intelligence

» She is a reliable and emotionally available friend. = emotional intelligence

» She went to class every day, despite struggling = perseverance, self-control, resilience

» She has a history of asking for help when she struggled academically = self-advocacy, growth mindset, resilience, perseverance, self-control

» She makes new friends, forms connections, and shares that she is struggling = emotional intelligence, confidence, growth mindset

» She shows initiative by proposing her and her friend seek tutoring = self-advocacy, resilience, perseverance

» She helps her new friend academically = confidence, emotional intelligence

That’s a lot, right? Which ones did you miss? Did you discover any that did not show up on this list? These exceptions are like hidden gems that can easily go undetected. But they matter and you are about to see why.

Finding exceptions to the problems in your story can seem like an impossible task, especially when the problem seems to always be there. Narrative coaching conversations can help create a mindset that aids in identifying the exceptions. Before we jump into the narrative coaching conversation, though, there are a few things to think about and keep in mind as you engage in narrative conversations.

“The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existence.”

Albert Einstein

The Role of Curiosity As we’ve learned throughout the book, there are many ways in which a student’s story can become problem saturated:

» Feeling scared and overwhelmed

» Feeling anxious, homesick, and out of place

» Feeling guilty about leaving family behind

» Feeling selfish for not being at home to help out

» Having thoughts that friends are moving on

» Feeling confused and struggling in a class

» Feeling uncomfortable asking for help in a new environment

» Feeling alone and discouraged

» Having thoughts of dropping out

RECOGNIZING WINS | 101 As you think about problem-saturated stories, get curious. Get curious about where and how, despite the influence of the problems, you would still be able to demonstrate positive qualities. These qualities may reflect the Big 7 non- cogs, and so much more. However, some may only hint at being related to the non-cogs, and without pausing and drawing them out, they could easily be lost or overlooked. But they are always present and represent a path forward. The opportunity lies in discovering those hidden positive qualities that may only seem like a whisper, and heighten them to characteristics that, when needed, are capable of becoming a roar.

In order to benefit from narrative coaching, you must immediately commit to curiosity. For those of you who enjoy and are well versed in looking inward, this is no heavy lift. But for those of you who have not had as much practice doing this, it can understandably feel both difficult and uncomfortable. As a reminder, it is only when we step out of our comfort zones that we reap the benefit of growth. What this means is that we have the option of either choosing temporary discomfort in the form of engaging in a new coaching exercise, or we choose long-term discomfort by avoiding the depth of the exercise and remain steeped in the long standing discomfort (Figure 2). This last sentence is in no way meant to be harsh. But, the benefit of this process only occurs when you commit to it—short-term discomfort and all.

Figure 2. We choose between the temporary discomfort of a new

coaching exercise, or the long-term

discomfort from avoiding the exercise.

If you are less experienced in answering the open-ended personal questions required for narrative coaching, staying curious may actually equate to staying patient—both with the process and yourself. It’s important to accept that you may not have an answer to some of the questions. That is perfectly okay and sometimes an important part of the process. Sometimes, just staying present with the questions is work enough. In other words, if you find that some questions leave you merely scratching your head, don’t sweat it. Allow yourself and the question to quietly co-exist as you move through your day. Insights can arrive in minutes, hours, days, or even weeks. The power lies in embracing the question. Many a time when we try hard to find an answer we are shooting ourselves in the foot (metaphorically speaking, of course). It is when we allow our minds to be less focused—like when we are showering, taking a walk, doodling, or daydreaming—that personal insight or lightbulb moments often seem to emerge (Figure 3).

Figure 3. We often gain personal insight when we allow ourselves to be

unfocused.

RECOGNIZING WINS | 102

Tinker, Dabble, Doodle In Tinker Dabble Doodle Try, author Dr. Srini Pillay reveals how letting your mind wander can trigger new insight, reveal solutions, and create inspiration.1

» Tinkering with ideas and with things releases your mind to wander from a state of stuckness into a possibility frame of mind, triggering neural connections and new insights.

» Dabbling in a new endeavor—whether a hobby or fantasy—disrupts your habitual and reactive thinking, helping you find new solutions to old problems.

» Doodling can help you tap into another brain frequency to remove obstacles and create opportunities and inspiration.

The Issue of Bragging Because you will most likely not be working one on one with a narrative coach, the issue of bragging may not be as relevant, as you will not be asked to “brag on yourself” in front of another person. All the same, though, some people may still find the process of inquiring into their strengths a less than comfortable endeavor. For this reason, it is important to understand why this type of inquiry matters.

The narrative inquiry has nothing to do with creating a hallmark moment for yourself. It is not about luxuriating in a moment of self-flattery. That’s not what narrative coaching is. The purpose of finding positive aspects of yourself while caught in the grips of a problem-saturated story is aimed at offering you a way out (Figure 4). As you will learn, creating a list of adjectives to define who you are in moments that are not problem saturated arms you with the ability to fight back against the influence of the problem.

Figure 4. Knowing your qualities is not about bragging—it’s about arming

yourself with the tools you need to

face problems.

RECOGNIZING WINS | 103 Think of it this way: If you were about to go into battle with a wily and well-trained enemy, can you imagine denying yourself the training, the tools, the armor, or even the weapons necessary to defend yourself? We know that sounds aggressive, but that is just one analogy. Some people like the metaphor of weaponizing their strengths against the effects of the problem. For others, however, this does not work for them. Other people find that managing their problems comes a lot more naturally for them when they can offer compassion to the intention of the problem. For example, in the case that self-doubt is the problem, highlighting the fact that although self-doubt feels like a jerk, it’s original intention is really to keep you vigilant and safe against any threat a new environment may present. Showing compassion toward the problem can be a powerful tool in letting it go.

What’s most important is that you find what works for you in your relationship to your externalized problems. What we find is that it all depends on the specific problem. Sometimes, when dealing with problems like test anxiety, people feel empowered when they immerse themselves in the battle metaphor as they turn on their favorite personal fight anthem and get themselves completely pumped-up, leaving little brain space for fear. While for other problems, like social anxiety, they might find that being more compassionate to it by gently nudging it away while acknowledging its intention to protect feels more conducive to moving past it.

The critical point is that it’s not about bragging, it is about gathering your internal resources to grapple with the problem in a way that keeps you moving forward in spite of it.

Memory, Imagination, and Emotion Later, as you read through the questions that are part of a coaching conversation, you will notice that many require you to access your memory or use your imagination—or both. Many people can easily access their memory to find exceptions to problem-saturated stories or times when they were able to at least minimize a problem that had been particularly sticky for them. When they are easily able to see themselves in those past moments, these memories are likely to produce positive emotions for them. Other people have a harder time, however; they either can’t think of a time, or if they do remember a time when the problem did not take over, they downplay the importance of the memory.

It is for this reason that you will encounter narrative questions that ask you to activate your memory, but from a different vantage point. If you, like others, are caught in the habit of downplaying your strengths or the importance of an exception to your problem-saturated story, then gaining some objectively can help you to see it for what it is: a pivotal moment that needs leveraging.

Here’s what we mean: Even when we are able to identify the hint of a strength or exception to our problem saturated story, we are often unable to see it for what it is. It’s like we’re too close to it. Instead, we say things like, “It’s really not that big a deal,” or, “Anybody could have done that.” When this happens, a narrative coach would seek to help you find distance and perspective, so that you could actually begin to own the strength. They would seek to support you in gaining a measure of objectivity to see it for what it is and why it matters in shifting your narrative. The coach would go about encouraging this kind of objective observation of yourself in two important ways:

» The coach would ask you to imagine viewing yourself as if from the outside, as though you were watching yourself in a movie. This level of distance can support you in taking ownership of the strength.

» The coach would ask you to imagine someone else who has a similar problem-saturated story to yours who also engaged in the behavior that you did that outsmarted the problem. Sometimes it is easier to recognize when someone else overcomes a problem than when you do it yourself.

In both those exercises, you are gaining a healthy distance with which to more objectively acknowledge the exception to the problem, as well as activating your imagination to do so. Once you have become more objective in appreciation of whatever behavior served as the exception, you then can more easily own and honor what you have done, and place yourself back into the moment and memory, with more emotionally positive regard for yourself. Furthermore, you are then more prepared to imagine yourself in other future situations that might be personally challenging, once again outsmarting the problem. The more you can imagine yourself outmaneuvering the problem in any number of situations (just like you did in the memory), the more prepared you will be to do just this (Figure 5).

Why does this matter? Well, what several studies show is that the brain cannot differentiate between a memory and imagination. What this means is that if you can imagine something in great detail and connect it with positive emotion, your brain will actually experience the imagined experience as real.2 It simply does not know the difference. And, when we experience positive emotions, we pull ourselves away from our brain’s stress circuits while proactively preparing ourselves to be more capable in any number of situations.

RECOGNIZING WINS | 104

Figure 6. Faulty thinking can become embedded in deeply carved neuro-

pathways that follow the same

pathways over and over again.

This is good and here’s why: When your brain is stuck in a negative thinking pattern provided by the influence of a problem, it’s not because the problem is revealing any level of truth. Instead, our thoughts, especially the negative thought patterns that seem to cycle repeatedly in our minds, are beholden not to truth but to habit. For many of us, these faulty thinking habits have become embedded in deeply carved neuro-pathways that, like the metal ball ricocheting in a pin-ball machine, traverse the same pathways over and over again, shaping how we see ourselves and what’s possible for our lives (Figure 6). The key to breaking these thinking habits is to introduce either memory or active imagination in a way that provokes more positive emotions, which reduces stress and increases our confidence to move out of our comfort zones. Either memory or imagination will do as the brain is happy to shift a neural pathway when it is activated—also, both memory and imagination activate the same region of the brain. The good news is that narrative questions, like finding exceptions to problem-saturated stories, activate your memory, your imagination, and, more importantly, your emotions.

Figure 5. Imagining yourself overcoming a problem will prepare you

to overcome the problem in real life.

Moreover, in honoring this brain characteristic, we can leverage imagination to help us manage many of our problems. Problems often originate from a desire to help us emotionally self-regulate by avoiding uncomfortable or painful feelings—even things like procrastination or fear. Anytime you face a novel situation that is unknown and makes you feel vulnerable, it will be important to remember that connecting to either a memory or a visualization that provides positive emotions creates alternative neural pathways in the brain, eliminating the need for self-doubt to step in. It’s kind of like fooling your brain into believing you have either experienced the positive outcome previously and everything is cool, or simply remembering that indeed in some cases you have!

RECOGNIZING WINS | 105

Transformation Is “You” Dependent, Not Context Dependent A common misunderstanding of narrative coaching happens when someone believes that the reason for previously not succumbing to the domineering effects of a particular problem was because of either the situation they were in, or the people they were with. When we hold this context dependent perspective, what we are really believing is that we can only demonstrative attributes like courage and self-discipline when the environment is perfectly safe to do so. This belief then holds that those traits can only be developed and expressed in very specific circumstances.

This is a very disempowered belief and really sets you up for hitting continual roadblocks. Let’s look at the example of shyness to examine this further. If someone believed that he or she can be outgoing only when they’re around a particular friend, or only when they’re in a particular setting, they are failing to recognize that the strengths of courage, confidence, or vulnerability to combat shyness resides within them, not outside of them (Figure 7).

Figure 7. Believing you can only be outgoing in a specific context limits

your ability to recognize strengths

within yourself.

This belief system contradicts the understanding of a growth mindset. Although a shy person may feel more comfortable being talkative and outgoing around a particular person or in a particular setting, it does not mean that they cannot take steps to practice courage by extending that part of their personality with new people and in new environments. Of course it won’t always be easy, and certainly it won’t always be comfortable. They will mess up or falter from time to time, but with ongoing practice, they will improve.

Context Dependent believing that we can only

demonstrate certain positive attributes in specific circumstances

Raising Awareness to Recognize Wins What if you can’t think of a time when you’ve demonstrated an exception to the problem, or you don’t currently have anyone in your life that sees and knows the best in you? This comes up a lot, so if this happens to you, know that you are not alone.

It’s very common for a couple of reasons. One reason is that the narrative questions initiate a process of personal reflection that is totally foreign to most. You can be so out of the practice of noticing yourself when you are at your best that you simply have no memory to draw upon. This is especially true when problems like anxiety or depression have taken up residence in your life. Both depression and anxiety are experts at attempting to limit our ability to see and experience ourselves through the lens of positive self-regard. They are too committed to limiting our joy and self- esteem to let that level of light or truth in. But, it does not mean that light and truth do not exist. It’s just that they are currently hard to see.

RECOGNIZING WINS | 106 This goes back to staying curious. The mere act of letting in the question sometimes is enough of a starting place. When you notice the thoughts in your head piping in to judge and berate the narrative question or the process, it is most likely the attempt of the problem to continue to be in the driver’s seat. So, if and when this happens, it represents your opportunity to talk back to it! It is in the act of recognizing and talking back to problems like depression and anxiety that you are, in fact, embodying an exception to a problem-saturated story. Here’s the thing: problems like to take-over and they want to monopolize our thinking. So, if in response to a narrative question (that prompts you to take inventory of your strengths) you find your self-talk making fun of the question, or feeling awkward about it, then most likely it is the problem trying to maintain its dominant role. The mere act of you noticing its attempt is a win for you.

What we are talking about here is raising your awareness so that you can recognize wins. Much like you learned about confirmation bias and cognitive reframing, the more you practice this level of awareness, the more you will experience things differently because you’ll think about things differently. Your lens has expanded and your frame has shifted (Figure 8).

Figure 8. As you learn to be aware of dominating feelings and are able to

recognize wins, your lens will expand

and your cognitive frame will shift.

With this expansion and shift, if you are having a hard time finding past examples of being able to escape the tyranny of your problems, or even experiencing the problem to a lesser degree, instead of looking backward for them, start to stay present to them. What this means is to start to notice the small wins from here on (even the really small wins).

For example, If your most dominant problem is procrastination, notice as you move through your days when you

» Pay a bill before it is considered late.

» Hand in homework on time.

» Call or text a friend back.

» Get to class on time.

» Get to work on time.

Or, if your most dominant problem is shyness, notice as you move through your days when you

» Say hello to the woman at the check-out counter before she says hello to you.

» Raise your hand in class.

» Ask the food server for your dressing on the side.

» Correct a stranger who mispronounces your name.

What we are talking about in both examples is being present and mindful enough to stay engaged in the practice of narrative coaching, while your behavior is dynamically occurring in real time. It’s not just about looking backward for evidence of exceptions to the problem; it’s about becoming present to who you are in the moment, with intention and choice.

RECOGNIZING WINS | 107 Additionally, if like many you struggle to think of people in your life who really get you and see you at your best, then by all means, let it go. This is a moment to embrace a growth mindset. You are simply not able to think of anyone yet (Figure 9). Do not despair; this often has less to do with you and more to do with either the context of your life thus far, or the effects of the problems in your life thus far. Rest assured, as you practice this process you are getting closer every day to creating a life that will invite the types of relationships and the types of connections that will more deeply sustain you and provide this level of positive mirroring.

Figure 9. If you struggle to think of people in your life who are close to

you, know that you simply can’t think

of anyone yet.

Expanding Your Non-Cognitive Vernacular Not every non-cog is an exact and perfect fit for exceptions you find in a personal narrative, nor does only one non- cog apply to each exception, but rather the behavior can represent many. Much like there is nuance to feelings and emotions, and you can often use multiple words to describe an experience, feeling, or attitude, the same applies when identifying non-cognitive competencies to one’s character or behavior.

We selected the Big 7 for this course because they powerfully embody the characteristics and behaviors that are pivotal to success, both in college and in life. But, they certainly are not exhaustive and they absolutely do not represent a stopping place. Furthermore, they may not even be words you relate to personally or that would feel comfortable slipping off your tongue, given your own vocabulary and style of speech. We are less concerned about you using the “right” word and more interested in you noticing the strength and finding language that speaks to who you are and what you feel you’re demonstrating when you exemplify a non-cog, or many non-cogs.

For these reasons, let’s expand your non-cog vernacular, much like you focused on developing your emotional vernacular in Chapter 4. Here are some that we have come up with:

courage, determination, morale, daring, boldness, grit, heart, spunk, fortitude, positivity,

scrappiness, conviction, tenacity, self-respect, nerve, openness to being vulnerable

flexibility, versatility, can-do, capable, tenacious, hearty, tough, rolls with the punches, endurance,

stamina, self-sufficient, scrappiness

speaking up, self-help, self-defense, protest, defending of rights, proactive, confidence,

having a voice, saying what you think, clarity, assertiveness

empathy, soft skills, social intelligence, emotional quotient, communication skills, emotional awareness, emotional regulation, good boundaries, curious,

motivated, great listener, emotionally attuned to others, self-aware

stubbornness, persistence, guts, stick with it, staying power, determination, doggedness,

devotion, never give up, staying the course

restraint, discipline, self-regulation, focus, patience, will power, impulse control,

unflappable, determination

embracing “yet”, collaboration, participation, openness to feedback, courage, strategy,

honoring mistakes, curiosity

RECOGNIZING WINS | 108

Non-Cog Vernacular for Angela’s Exceptions Let’s revisit Angela’s list of non-cogs and replace them with the words from our non-cog vernacular:

» She enjoyed learning = curiosity, motivation

» She did well in high school = stick with it, focus

» Her teacher noticed her interest in the subject = curiosity

» She was open to exploring going to college, even though she would be the first in her family, and among the first in her community to do so = courage, open and vulnerable

» She navigated the rigors of the college application process = staying power, determination, discipline, focus

» She had positive relationships: her teacher, her high school counselor, her friends, and her sister = social intelligence, great listener, attuned to others

» She cares about and cares for other people = empathy, great listener, emotionally attuned to others

» She has empathy for other people = social intelligence

» She is a reliable and emotionally available friend = high emotional quotient

» She went to class everyday, despite struggling = tenacity, determination, stamina

» She has a history of asking for help when she struggled academically = speaking up, openness to feedback, rolls with the punches, devotion, self-regulation

» She makes new friends, forms connections, and shares that she is struggling = emotionally attuned to others, open and vulnerable, collaboration

» She shows initiative by proposing she and her friend seek tutoring = proactive, flexibility, staying the course

» She helps her new friend academically = confidence, soft skills

Engaging in a Narrative Coaching Conversation When you are in the midst of a heavy emotional experience, as well as consumed by a problem-saturated story, pointing out your strengths will not be enough to manage the challenges before you. Engaging in a narrative coaching conversation with yourself is an important step in equipping you with the knowledge you need to recover from set-backs and get you closer to updating and revising your unexamined personal narrative into a more empowered one.

This narrative coaching conversation is broken down into three steps. You will recognize the first two steps as part of what you learned in Chapter 5. The third step is about finding exceptions.

“If you are always trying to be normal, you will never know how amazing you can be.”

Maya Angelou

RECOGNIZING WINS | 109

Step 1: Identifying the Main Problem In Chapter 5, as part of learning how to externalize problems, you learned a little about identifying the main problem. There is a lot to your story—a lot of feelings and a lot of challenges. In order to segue into finding exceptions to problem-saturated stories, it is important for the sake of continuity and clarity of the process to re-visit the externalizing process by exploring what you feel are the biggest problems in your unexamined personal narrative. It will be from this place that we will then transition into finding exceptions. To help you identify what your main problem is right now in the context of a narrative coaching conversation, re-visit your personal narrative and ask yourself:

“What word would I use to describe the most frustrating mindset problem that I am currently facing?”

Remember that there is no wrong answer. The most important thing is that you take a moment to consider what mindset problem is causing you the most stress and creating the most anxiety. If you realize after you’ve handled a problem that there is a different mindset problem causing stress and anxiety, know that you will be able to face that problem as well, because you’ll already have done it once before!

Step 2: Understanding the Influence of the Problem You will remember that in Chapter 5, as part of establishing a new relationship to your problem, you began to understand the influence of the problem by answering the following questions:

“When your problem is taking over and winning, what is it trying to convince other people about you?”

“What are you most tired of putting up with that your problem causes when it gets the best of you?”

“Does your problem want the same thing for your future that you do?”

“How would you prefer things to be in your life currently and in the future?”

As an extension to those questions and part of the narrative coaching conversation you are engaging in, answer this:

“What has the problem been working overtime to get you to believe about yourself?

Thinking about how you answered that question, consider that perhaps your problem was initially trying to help you, but has now gone too far and needs to back down a bit. That leads to the next question:

“If the problem wasn’t running the show as much, what kinds of things would you be doing or thinking about instead?”

You may not have considered that before, so really give it some thought. What doors would be open, what opportunities would you take advantage of, how much less stress would you have, if the problem wasn’t in the way? It’s important to recognize that every moment of every day is not being influenced by the problem (Figure 10).

Figure 10. What opportunities would open for you if your problem wasn’t

running things?

RECOGNIZING WINS | 110

Therefore, this step is all about remembering times when the problem wasn’t in control. Even though it may sometimes feel like it, not every single moment is controlled by the problem. With that in mind, continue the narrative coaching conversation:

“Think about a time when you didn’t fall under the influence of the problem. What exactly was different about you in that situation that you miss most?”

If you find this question difficult to answer because it feels like bragging, that’s totally normal! Remember, though, that you are having this conversation with yourself, so no one else will know. Additionally, the problem is working really hard to dominate; so hard, in fact, that it could be holding you back and that’s probably not what you want. The more you are able to identify positive things about yourself, the more capable you will be at fending off the problem. That makes this step super important. So, if you are struggling, answer one of the following questions that helps you most:

“Imagine you saw a video of someone doing what you did during a time you didn’t fall under the influence of the problem. What would you observe that is in direct opposition to the influence of the problem? What words would you use to describe that person?”

“Or, imagine that the problem were less in control than it typically is. Who in your life would be the least surprised to see you minimizing the influence of the problem? What words would that person use to describe you?”

Thinking about the descriptive words that were just identified, continue your narrative conversation:

“If you observed someone other than yourself minimize the effects of an ongoing problem in their life, what three words would you use to describe that person and that ability?”

“Reflecting on those three words, what time in your life could at least one of those words have been used to describe you?”

“What would be the first thing in your life to improve if you took the risk to start believing this about yourself?”

“Thinking of the week ahead, where is your next opportunity to practice this updated belief about yourself?”

Figure 11. When a problem takes hold, it increases stress,

which allows problems to take hold,

resulting in a loop.

Step 3: Find Exceptions to the Problem-Saturated Story Prior to getting into this part of the narrative conversation, consider again brain science. Every time your problem takes hold, it trains your brain to get caught in a repeating neural pathway. It’s like your thinking habits get stuck in a repeating loop. That repeating loop increases your stress level, which allows your problem to take control, thus increasing your stress level…and around it goes (Figure 11). To break the loop, remember and connect to different positive aspects of who you are. Imagining and visualizing yourself in moments when you were in control and your problem wasn’t is how you break that loop—particularly if the visualization prompts a positive emotional response in you. Your brain doesn’t know the difference between remembering a time in the past or what’s happening in the current moment. So when you remember a time you were in control and visualize yourself there—and feel yourself there—your brain thinks it is right now. This gets you out of stress brain, helping you feel better. It’s like magic, but it’s actually science!

RECOGNIZING WINS | 111

A Conversation with Angela The last time we checked in with Angela, we were leading her through a coaching exercise to externalize the problem of avoidance that came up after she left the financial aid department without getting her needs met. She, like you, has learned about managing her feelings and emotions. She now knows how to use breathing and meditation exercises, and she understands the role of neuroplasticity in shaping how and why we engage in the thinking habits we do.

In order to segue into finding exceptions to problem-saturated stories, it is important for the sake of continuity and clarity of the process to first bring Angela back into the externalizing process by exploring what she feels are the biggest problems in her unexamined personal narrative. It will be from this place that we will transition into finding exceptions to those problems.

Step 1: Identify the Main Problem Coach: There is a lot to your story; a lot of feelings and a lot of challenges that you are personally facing as

you adjust to life on campus. What word would you use to describe the most frustrating problem you currently face as you make this adjustment?

Figure 12. The loop is broken when you visualize a moment when you, and

not the problem, was in control.

Now that you’ve had this narrative conversation, think back on the brain science that was described at the beginning of this section. If every time your problem takes hold it trains your brain to get caught in a repeating neural pathway that causes stress, then the same is true about thought patterns that help you to de-stress. This means that by practicing thinking differently—in this case, thinking about the times you didn’t allow the problem to take control— you can create neural pathways that make you feel better. You are more capable and resilient than your problem wants you to believe. When you intentionally remember the positive aspects of who you are—even if it’s through the eyes of another person in your life—instead of feeding your brain stress, you are feeding it a positive image of yourself which breaks the stress loop (Figure 12).

RECOGNIZING WINS | 112

Angela: There are a lot, and a lot of super uncomfortable feelings, but I guess if I had to choose the biggest one, it probably would be self-doubt. I feel like I am constantly doubting myself, like whether I even belong here and maybe I don’t have what it takes. And then when I feel that level of self-doubt, it causes all this anxiety, nervousness, and guilt. You know what I mean?

Coach: I do. That’s a lot to handle all at once, isn’t it?

Angela: Totally! I am always so stressed out!

Coach: That’s completely understandable. Self-doubt is really taking you on a horrible ride lately. With your permission, I’d like to ask a few more questions to get to the bottom of how it’s working to do this. And then we’ll go searching for times when you somehow managed to escape its hold on you. How does that sound?

Angela: Sounds good.

Step 2: Understand the Influence of the Problem Coach: What has this self-doubt been working overtime to get you to believe about yourself?

Angela: It wants me to believe that I am not as smart or as capable as other people here. It wants me to believe that starting college was a bad idea and that my friends and family back home feel abandoned by me, like I am selfish or something. It wants me to feel unsafe and overwhelmed. And it’s totally working!

Coach: That sounds really hard, Angela. It sounds like when self-doubt is in the driver’s seat, it really tries to limit your freedom and tries to take over your thoughts, and your entire life for that matter.

Angela: Yeah, it feels like it does. It’s a real jerk.

Coach: I can see that. But, correct me if I’m wrong: It seems like self-doubt may not mean to be a jerk. What I mean by that is that I am wondering if self-doubt thinks it’s actually helping you.

Angela: I guess maybe it thinks it’s protecting me and keeping me on guard so that I don’t get in over my head or something.

Coach: But, it’s gone overboard, hasn’t it? It’s intention might have originally been good, but it doesn’t know when to stop.

Angela: That’s right. It’s like instead of feeding me a teaspoon of self-doubt every day just to keep me alert, I am chugging from a firehose of self-doubt twenty-four seven. It’s really gotten ridiculous.

Coach: Angela, if self-doubt were not running the show as much, what kind of things would you be doing or thinking about instead of constantly worrying and doubting yourself?

Angela: I haven’t even thought about that. Maybe I would be more social, or just enjoy how beautiful it is here. I really like the campus. You know, I would love just to grab some lunch and read under one of those great big trees on the lawn without feeling so stressed out or like such an outsider. Maybe I’d even be brave enough to ask someone to join me.

Coach: That sounds really nice, and totally possible. Seems to me like self-doubt does not capture all of who you are. I’m assuming you’d agree?

Angela: Definitely. I mean, I am not always feeling self-doubt—or at least I didn’t used to. I wasn’t always this anxious!

RECOGNIZING WINS | 113

Step 3: Find Exceptions to the Problem-Saturated Story Coach: It’s important to remember that you have not always had this feeling of self-doubt. My assumption is

that since you’ve been here, not every single moment is controlled by self-doubt and anxiety. Is that true?

Angela: Of course! Not every single solitary moment is controlled by self-doubt or anxiety, it just feels like that!

Coach: Well, then, share a time when you didn’t fall under the influence of self-doubt, since you’ve been here?

Angela: Well, the other day a bunch of people from my English class and I were working on a project together. The group was kind of small and I felt pretty comfortable. We ended up laughing a lot and then went and grabbed coffee together—we even took a bunch of really lame pictures. It was dumb, I guess. But I felt like myself again for a little while.

Coach: What exactly was different about you in that situation that you miss most?

Angela: I don’t know. I guess I was just so focused on what we were talking about and laughing about that it’s like I didn’t feel so self-conscious anymore. I’m not really sure.

Coach: It’s a hard question, I know. To help you gain a little distance, let’s say you saw a video of yourself when you were hanging out with these classmates. What would you observe that is in direct opposition to the influence of self-doubt?

Angela: Well, I was relaxed and I guess I was funny. I was just so focused on getting to know them that I was not even thinking about all the stress and stuff.

Coach: I think you’re on to some important insights here. To follow up on that, who in your life would be the least surprised to see you acting in that relaxed and funny way if they too were shown the video?

Angela: Oh, my sister, for sure.

Coach: Okay, great. What words would she use to describe you, based not only on the video, but also just because of how she knows you. As a reminder, this is not about bragging about yourself, but about equipping yourself with enough personal insight to minimize self-doubt in the future.

Angela: Well, she knows that I have a good sense of humor and like to laugh, and she knows that I do really care about other people.

Coach: That’s great. Say more about how you really care about other people; I think there is more to that. For example, what is it about you that makes you care so much about other people?

RECOGNIZING WINS | 114

Angela: I don’t know. I guess I just like people and like to know what makes them tick, you know? I like learning about them, and making them laugh and learning what they are into.

Coach: That’s really good. So, if I were to describe someone who liked to laugh, was interested in other people, and curious about what made them tick, what three adjectives might you use to describe her?

Angela: Maybe kind? I guess compassionate. Maybe upbeat?

Coach: I like it. So, we’ve got kind, compassionate, and upbeat. Have there been other times in your life when you have been kind, compassionate, or upbeat, when it was either hard for others to do the same, or when self-doubt or anxiety could have occurred, but for some reason didn’t?

Angela: Yeah, like when we got a new principal last year. He made all these new rules and was a total control freak at first. He really got under everyone’s skin. Most of my friends got really stressed out and were all anxious because there was so much change at our school. But, for some reason, I just kind of rolled with it, so when they would come to me to talk about it, I was able to give them perspective, but still be compassionate and even make them laugh sometimes.

Coach: Okay, so adding to the list: I also just heard compassionate and someone who has perspective when things are stressful.

Angela: Yea, that’s interesting, and I guess it’s true.

Coach: Now let’s get proactive with self-doubt. Tell me where and when self-doubt is likely to strike again, because it’s not going to give up just because you’ve tried a coping strategy once. We need to prepare you.

Angela: I didn’t think it would just go away. It’s most likely to hit again tomorrow, when I’m getting ready for my math class.

Coach: Good to know. Before your class tomorrow, I encourage you to do a five-minute meditation, and then actively practice connecting to those memories of yourself when you were demonstrating compassion, having perspective when things were stressful, and being kind, funny, and upbeat.

Angela: Okay, I can totally do that.

Coach: Again, the key is to try to connect to those memories and parts of yourself emotionally. Yes, the words matter, but bringing yourself back to those moments and feeling them will be powerful when self-doubt attempts to take over. And here’s the thing, Angela: Don’t expect self-doubt to magically disappear, but even minimizing it a little bit as you start to practice is considered a win.

There was a lot that happened in this narrative coaching conversation. As a teaching tool, it is both very deliberate but also representative of the narrative coaching conversations of actual students. In all fairness, it was very different than your average conversation. But if you want to have the same old conversations you have always had, you are not likely going to move in the direction of freeing yourself from your problems very easily.

As you unpacked this conversation, hopefully you were able to keep an open mind. Everything that was shared with you here best ensures that you are set up to learn from this example, and you will benefit from it as you transition into your own practice.

In Angela’s example conversation, she was able to easily answer the narrative question. Well, of course this was the case as this was a teaching demonstration. But, for many students, this narrative can be more challenging. If indeed you do find it challenging, we encourage you to actually try to “unfocus” your mind, as you learned about earlier. Keep the questions with you and trust that for now this may be enough. Just stay open and curious and you will be giving permission to your unfocused mind to do the rest as you intentionally pull your mind away from forcing it to find an answer.

RECOGNIZING WINS | 115

References 1 Pillay, Srini (2017). Tinker Dabble Doodle Try: Unlock the Power of the Unfocused Mind.

Ballantine Books.

2 Pelletier, Emilie (2018). “4 Scientific Reasons Why Visualization Will Increase Your Chances to Succeed.” MAQTOOB. Retrieved from https://entrepreneurs.maqtoob.com/4-scientific- reasons-why-visualization-will-increase-your-chances-to-succeed-5515ef2dbdb7

Beginning a Paradigm Shift As you complete this chapter, recognize that you are currently paving new neural pathways as this novel perspective begins to take shape in your mind. You are embarking upon a new way of thinking that for many will cause a paradigm shift. A paradigm is a model or framework, within which you understand something; in this case, that something is yourself. Once a paradigm shifts, you can never see things the way you did before. Although the material may just be starting to crystallize for you now, over time you may experience lightbulb moments that catch you off guard, or see opportunities where otherwise you would have just seen circumstances. Between now and the end of the book, you will be given plenty of creative ways to practice this new paradigm, and ideally start to feel personally empowered by it to live in closer connection to your higher purpose—however you define that—than you ever have before.