fix my essay

Flow each essay comments to fix my essay. Total 3 essay.

1.

Life

Life is full of surprise; at every stage, we face a lot of surprises this surprise is either or bad. It also depends on us of how we can see the challenges of life. Life is full of harsh realities, but sometimes we are not strong enough to face these realities. The strongest person is one who welcomes these realities with open hands and faces these challenges. My life has many challenges for me. But I accept these challenges wholeheartedly.

There are many truths and realities that I have in my life that I never disclose to someone even not to my family and friends to whom I am close. The story of my life is uncertain where I face many ups and downs in my life. But these ups and downs have not let me down, but in fact, they gave me strength and made me strong. Hence, I feel that I successfully meet these challenges. The story of my life is not a typical story where one has a good family life and sound income so that they can live a good life. Since my childhood to till now, I along with my parents have faced many things that bind us to a strong relationship rather than depart us apart.

Me, along with my parents and two brothers live a small apartment. The apartments where we live is considered as a most expensive and luxurious apartment of the city, but I never get an opportunity feel the luxuriousness of these apartments as I live in the basement of this apartment or we can say that these are servant quarter where I live with my family. I place where I used to live a substandard place, but we were happy that we were enjoying our life.

My father and mother were the caretakers of these apartments if anyone faces any problems regarding electricity, parking and cleanliness they consult us anytime where it is early in the morning or midnight. I felt these things a lot that whenever I receive a call, my parents have to goo regardless what time it is.

This was very annoying that often puts me under stress because I did not see my parents in that stress. As in a limited amount of money we have to manage all my expenses. I am studious and want to get the higher degree, but the earning of my parents did not allow me to peruse my studies further. So, to support my studies I worked in different cafes and hotels. Through this, I will be able to manage my expenses of studies.

My parents love me a lot, so they did not put any pressure on me to do household chores and do nay job to support my family. But an event has changed my life and opened my eyes that where we are living in a harsh world where nobody gives attention and respect to poor people as it is only for rich people. One day my dad was late in starting the car of one of the apartment owner before he came down in parking and nor my dad clean his car because he was ill at that day.

That man rushed towards our apartment, opened the door with his leg and started shouted at my dad. My family could not speak a word in from of him because if we speak, he might throw us out from this apartment that we do not want because we have no other place to live. This incident put my family and especially my parents to tears. As I am oldest of my two siblings, therefore I want to beat that man of how dare he speak to my parents by poor status and a tag to servant restrain me from doing anything.

From that day I decided that I have to become rich and powerful enough so that no one can speak in front of me and no one even disobeys my parents or humiliate them. Therefore, I am focused on my studies and with my full zeal and zest try to get good grades. My routine was in the morning I attend school, and in the evening, I worked in a nearby café. I save the money that I earn so that I can use it in further studies. My dream was to give a happy and good life to my family so that we can get out from the hardships of life.

One day when my dad was severely ill, and I did not have enough money so that I can take him to a hospital I was weeping all day. The café owner noticed it and asked me; I told him whole story immediately he gave me money and told me to take my dad to the hospital. This was the day when I changed my mind there was a man who shouts at us, and there is a man that help me at the eleventh hour. So, I thankful to him. With every passing day, he consults that what I am doing and what are my plans. I told him the whole story and harsh reality of my life that how we are surviving.

At that point in my life, I have no direction. I feel that I am stuck in a storm where no one is here to help me. The behavior of people with me was also annoying as I have fewer friends due to a poor standard of life no one even want to become my friends. That day I realized that how materialistic the world is that judge us from our outer looks, not our inner soul. I used to sit in a park for hours to think about what I want to do and how I can achieve. I have all things in my mind, but I did not know the path to achieve them.

One day as I am working in café as my normal routine and I have tears in my eyes due to the financial position of my family that was getting worst. One of the men noticed me and asked me to sit and started the conversation with me. I told him whole strong. At that time, he gave me the piece of paper and asked me to write all things that I want to achieve in my life and that I desired to be.

At that night I wrote all things, and as per his instructions, I paste this thing in most visit place of my house like at dressing mirror at the mirror of my washroom. Early morning when I woke up remind all my visions and struggle hard to meet them. This is effective because I know what to achieve that the only thing is to select the right path. I know that this is not easy, but I have to do it. One day I discussed with my teacher that I want a stall at city fair so that I can sale the jam that my mother made at home. She said are you sure; I replied mam’ I am damn sure. She encouraged me to rent a store for me. I along with my mother made fifty jam jars. The money I used in this came from the teacher because I requested her I will return her.

Mt day at the fair is remarkable that till 5 pm at even I sell all the jars at good rates. I would say that I earn 100% profit on it. Later on, after few days, I got an invitation from a food fair for a stall, and this time a company sponsors it because we are the one at the last fairs how sold their all items in the limited period. This time the company paid double the amount. My mom is happy because it’s a good start for us. The response of the people was also great at this time.

After the success of this fair, I continuously receive an order of jam form people to whom they like. My mom along with my brother deliver these orders. In 5 months, we have enough money from which we can rent a shop in the nearby market and open a store with the name of “Jaman Jam.” With every passing day, we face success in our life. Soon, we bought our own house and shops and my family, my mom, dad along with my brother own this business.

This is the life-changing event of my life, and all the visions that set for my future are all fulfilled now. I am living a happy life. But the truth of life has taught me a lot. Sometimes, we did not accept the truth and live in this imaginary world. This is bad because if we did not face reality and accept the challenges of life than it is not right because we are not able to change the world around us and we remain to live in a life where we are living.

Life is a name of continuous growth; it depends on us whether we support this growth in a positive direction or leads it to the negative one that limits us and stops us from growing towards the sky. From my life, I realize that it is not necessary that all the people we meet are genuine people that support us but if we meet anyone true people than it changed our lives. I am lucky that I meet three true people of my life that include, the owner of a café where I worked, I person who taught me to write down all vision and mission and the last one is my teacher I financially help me in setting this life-changing stall. I short I am happy that my life has through challenges on me and I successfully meet these challenges and remain the success in the end.

Comments:

There are several interesting elements in this first draft, from the intimate rhetorical distance created by the conversational, near-confessional, tone—as if the narrator is speaking to the reader directly. I also think the element of the parents/child relationship is engaging.

My main suggestions are these:

(1) The grammatical errors are so prevalent in this piece as to make many passages difficult to understand. Some of this is due to errors such as run-ons and misused commas, but a lot of the confusion stems from needlessly complex syntax. I would suggest making your sentences much more concise and focusing on the traditional subject + verb + object construction. Once you feel you have been able to present the narrative with this kind of syntax, you can work on building to more complex structures in later drafts, but for now, I think clarity should be the main goal. Keep the sentences as clean and clear, without needless words/phrases/clauses.

(2) I don’t think the introductory paragraph is needed. As it reads now, the title and the intro read more like a philosophy essay about life in general when what this essay is is a personal reflection. Avoid the generalizations in the first paragraph and simply start with the narrative. If you SHOW vs. TELL the speaker’s realizations and connections using reflection, you won’t need to state grand generalizations about life, etc. Focus on this specific speaker and the specific story you want to tell (this essay attempts to cover a lot of ground in a short space. Select one specific event and present this event as a combination of action/scene narration but also with speaker reflection to show the reader what the speakers thoughts/feelings/reactions about the people and events described are.

(3) Keep the verb tense consistent. The essay moves from past to present and back to past several times without any clear transitions or explanation as to why the vantage point changes. Once you decide on the singular event you want to narrate, make sure to select either past or present tense (because the event happened in the past, the simple past tense is the most common and likely choice). Then, make sure that this tense remains consistent throughout the entire essay.

(4) More specific title needed – show the reader this is a personal narrative.

2.

Old and new friends, we ask tonight

Who is the owner of the child, and on what right?

It seems like there is some Chinese lore

Concerning a circle drawn on the floor

Because two different women are squabbling for one child

And this quarrel makes the neighbors wild

So they take them to the king

Whom, with a chalk makes a description of a ring

At the spot where the infant stands

“Pull”, the king orders the women, “with your hands

The person that will manage to pull the child out

Must be the mother of the child without any doubt”

The two women send themselves to work

But one woman manages to pull the child out with a jerk

But the other one appears weak and does not have the heart

Because she has the fear that the child might be hurt

Or rather the squabble would tear the child apart

“Therefore”, the king says, “the other one who does not harm him

Is the mother and must take custody of him

The king here applied high level wisdom

That for years he has used to rule his kingdom

The other was the real mother with greed

Her lawyers confused her and she agreed

The battle she lost to the caring and compassionate

Who wanted the child to thrive without hatred

Indeed it is a disturbing situation

Because the mother appears now to be an abomination

Because the crisis is unbearable to think of

Who is the owner of the child? And who said so?

And why not the biological mother? The owner

Is sent away with shame and dishonor

This is a touched-up tale worth telling which

The real mother of the child is a bitch

And in fact, the circle described on the floor

Will appear different from what it has been before.

Comments:

There is a lot to admire about this draft, not least of which is your use of the narrative poem form and the way you use that narrative structure to tell about a specific folk tale from a specific tradition (“Chinese lore”). There is a rich tradition of poets writing about folk tales. Chelsea Woodard does this well. I was just teaching the poem “Savior Machine” by Tracy K. Smith, the current U.S. Poet Laureate, which references an old Italian folk tale. My main suggestions are these:

(1) Pare down the language. Much of the poem essentially reads like prose, but broken into lines vs. reading like poetry with the sonic elements of the lines as an essential part of the poem. Though there is the couplet rhyme scheme, there are many unnecessary words/phrases/syllables. Remember that the poem should be more than just re-telling a story (in this case, a folk tale) in line breaks. What sounds other than rhyme (such as alliteration, assonance, and repetition) could be used throughout the poem to enhance the meaning?

(2) Though I do like the couplet rhyme scheme, as this is uncommon for a contemporary narrative poem, some of the rhymes read as forced—i.e. the words utilized simply for the rhyme rather than being the exact right word to use for the content. Some examples of places where the rhyme read as forced are child/wild, out/doubt, which/bitch. Could you use more enjambment rather than end-stopped and phrasally stopped lines as well as more slant rhyme to tone down the rhyme sounds to showcase craft?

(3) There are some words that read as out of tone with the rest of the poem, such as “squabbling,” “bitch,” and “jerk.” In their contexts, these phrases read as much more colloquial / less serious than the rest of the poem. Could the language be more unified?

(4) Need title.

It was on a Monday morning when I was woken up by my six-year-old sister in an irritating manner. “Wake up! Wake up! Mummy says you will be late for school,” my sister said to me pulling of my blankets. On hearing the word school, I remembered that I had not completed my assignment as the previous day I came home late and tired from the prom party. I hurriedly woke up and headed straight to the reading table so that I could try to complete my assignment. My naughty sister ran into the kitchen and shouted at my parents who were making breakfast that I was doing my homework in the morning. This was not what they expected of me as it was a house rule that all homework should be done immediately I get home even before doing anything. I started giving excuses that my laptop had broken down and so I was not able to type my assignment, but this excuse was not accepted as I could have borrowed daddy's laptop and used it instead. For having failed to do my homework on time and having lied as well, I was grounded by my parents. I was not allowed to go to any parties or even parties. My sister being a kid was happy about this as she claimed that I would at least spend more time playing with her. I was only supposed to operate from home to school alone. This grounding was the beginning of the problems that I am facing now.

I managed to complete the assignment, breakfast was served, and we ate as a family after which I prepared myself for school as my parents made themselves ready for work. I was then driven and dropped to school, and my parents headed for work. In school, any free time we had my friends and I just talked about how beautiful the prom was and how we were looking forward to attending several other parties. My friends became aware of how much I was disturbed and when I told them about the grounding they felt sorry for me. They gave me false hopes of how my parents were going to change their mind concerning that when we meet home in the evening. I knew my parents very well, and I was aware that there was going to be no change of mind. In our house once a decision was made it would not be changed no matter how hard you try. Then as an adolescent, I did not understand that what parents do to us is for our good. In my mind, I thought that they did not want me to attend parties with friends and instead wanted me to stay in the house studying.

The evening came, and I was picked up as usual, and we went home. At home, I did my homework for that day, took a shower and went to the kitchen to help mum prepare dinner. Dinner was then served we ate, and after a regular family meeting, we all went to sleep. I was not able to sleep immediately I retired to bed (Charon, Hermann and Devlin, 2016). My mind was full of thoughts on how I could convince my parents to allow me to go to a birthday party at my best friends place. I knew very well that failure to be seen at the party would mean the whole school finding out that I was grounded which would be the talk of the day. I was aware that there was no way I could convince them that I wanted to go to a party and so I had to find my way of attending the party without their knowledge. After doing a lot of thinking that night, I came to a conclusion on what I could do when the weekend began.

The morning came, and as usual, I took a shower, breakfast and then was dropped at school. This was the daily routine. The party was to be on a Saturday night. “Your dad and I are going to take care of some businesses and we will be back on a Monday morning,” my mum said to me at the dining table as we were taking breakfast. I was thrilled but could not show it as they could suspect that I had plans that they were not aware of. I was instructed to take care of my sister and make sure that she was ok as our house help was not coming that weekend. My sister was very excited that I would teach her other new games during the whole weekend. Our parents prepared themselves, after which they explained to us how much they loved and cared for us, and they wanted us always to be safe and take care of each other as we are a family. They kissed us and drove away.

We were now left alone at home and being the elder sister I was in charge of the house. I started thinking about how I was going to leave a six years old child alone in the house and go to the party. I had an idea in mind of throwing the party at our place instead. I video called my friend and told her about my parent's departure and suggested to her that since our house was much bigger than theirs, she should come and throw the party at my place instead. She could not refuse as she was aware that our home was far much better than theirs (LaFollette and Brownlee, 2017). She came and together we made communications to the rest about the change of place through the school Whatsapp group. In the evening the party began having been attended by a lot of students from our school. All along I was walking with my sister everywhere I went until my friends asked to see me in private. I instructed my sister to sit on a couch and wait for me there and then went into a room to talk to my friends.

Inside there I was given a bottle of beer, and to make them happy I drunk to the extent that I didn't remember that I had left my sister waiting. By the time I realized that I had someone to take care of it was already two hours since I left her on the couch. I run out of the room staggering looking for her everywhere, but she was nowhere to be seen. I checked all the bedrooms, but I couldn't find her (Light, 2017). It was then that I heard screams from outside where our swimming pool was. On running there, I could not believe my eyes on seeing that my sister's body was floating lifeless in the pool. Suddenly all the alcohol in my system was flashed out of my system due to the sight. "Someone, please call 911!” I shouted as I dived into the pool to save her life. It was already late when I got to her; she had already passed away. I had failed in my responsibility in that I couldn't even be reasonable enough to take care of my sister. I wondered how I could explain to my parents about what I was doing when my sister drowned. The ambulance was called, and she was taken to the mortuary.

That was the end of the party, and everyone dispersed. On hearing the news, my parents could not believe it. They immediately came home to confirm whether it was some joke. My mum faced me and demanded to know the truth. I was unable to talk about it and explain to her about what happened. She fell and passed out. By the time we rushed her to the hospital, the doctors said that she didn't just pass out, but it was a heart attack plus stroke on her half part of the right side of the body. She had to stay in the hospital for an indefinite time with no surety that she would recover. This was another problem happening even before the other one was solved. Mum could neither move her body nor even talk. She just laid on the hospital bed her eyes full of tears, but she could not utter a word. I could not help but think that my foolishness had cost me my sister and now my mum was in a critical condition. Later that day mum passed away, and this was my biggest nightmare. It was a painful situation, and I wished to go far away from home, but that could not happen at all.

Today I live with only my dad who has a mental illness, and I am filled with guilt about the mistakes that I did. I am not even sure what I'm left with as my dad's health condition is becoming worse as days go by. The friends that I tried to impress I no longer see them anymore in my life. Life has just become a living hell living without the happy family that I used to have. We should all learn to appreciate every little effort that our parents make and all the sacrifices that they make to see us happy. We should act responsibly and take care of all those who sincerely need our help as family members.

References

Light, G. (2017). Investigating Creative Writing: Challenging Obstacles to Empirical Research. Can Creative Writing Really Be Taught?: Resisting Lore in Creative Writing Pedagogy, 196.

Charon, R., Hermann, N., & Devlin, M. J. (2016). Close reading and creative writing in clinical education: Teaching attention, representation, and affiliation. Academic medicine: journal of the Association of American Medical Colleges, 91(3), 345.

LaFollette, K., & Brownlee, J. (2017). Given Words: Creative Writing, Collaboration, and Pedagogy.

Comments:

I like your use of the traditional teenage trope of getting grounded but having a party anyway – but the sudden change in the usual story when the sister actually drowns, which is quite unexpected. My main suggestions are these:

(1) Show vs. tell. As of now, this piece does not have any scenes (with dialogue, action, etc), but, rather, all of the action is told as reflection by the narrator. As discussed in class, it is essential to balance action and reflection so that the reader becomes immersed in the simulacrum – or “simulated world” – of the story. There are many key moments that read as quite distanced and difficult to relate to / immerse within because so much of the story is told vs. shown. Right from the start, we are told that the little sister wakes the narrator “in an irritating manner,” but this is so vague and distanced – there are 1,000 + ways to be irritating. SHOW this moment in scene – this will serve to place your reader in the action of the story from the start and will serve to characterize both the sister and the speaker.

(2) Clean up grammar/mechanics. The prevalent grammatical/mechanical errors, such as misused and missing commas and run-ons cause some confusion in the narrative. It is also important to keep the tone/voice consistent. At times, the voice seems colloquial and conversational, but at other times, it seems very distanced, formal, and mechanical: “they gave me false hopes of how my parents were going to change their minds concerning…”

(3) Much of the information in the story is given as vague generalizations vs. specific, sensory details. For example, the narrator says, “The grounding was the beginning of the problems that I am facing now.” Show vs. tell here and use active voice to keep the narrative momentum always moving forward. What are the problems? Don’t tell about them, show them. Let the reader “experience” the action with the narrator.

(4) why this story has a works cited page attached to it. This is a creative assignment and, as such, should be your original work. This is not a research paper. For the revision, remove any material that is not original and focus on your own storytelling using the elements discussed in class.