HA3

Say what you need to say.

Easier said than done, right?

Difficult conversations come in many forms: “Shall we commit?” “I am worried about your health.” “You hurt me.” “This isn’t working.” Communication researchers call them

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How to Navigate Difficult Conversations There are ways to tackle the worry that comes with an impending hard talk; warn a partner of a serious conversation and find some common ground

People often stress about having a conversation they fear might hurt the other person or reveal something they did wrong. ILLUSTRATION: ROBERT NEUBECKER

July 17, 2017 12�47 pm ET

By Elizabeth Bernstein

consequential unscripted interactions because there are no rules or guidelines for them. Health, work, finances, relationships, sex, religion, politics are common topics.

Many tough conversations contain bad news, but not all. (Consider: “I think I love you.”) And they can be difficult for many reasons: We may not have had this type of talk before, so have no experience to learn from. We are worried about how we come across. We don’t want to hurt the other person, or get hurt ourselves. The receiver may not want to hear what we have to say.

A study by researchers at Hope College, in Holland, Mich., and the University of Hawaii at Manoa, published in March in the journal Communication Quarterly, found that people are more reluctant to share bad news in a conversation when they are the cause of it—and they worry more about how they come across in the conversation than sparing the other person’s feelings.

The researchers asked 330 people to answer questions about a time when they had to tell someone bad news, and then coded them for the reasons and concerns the person had for sharing, the source of the news and how reluctant they were to talk about it. People reported they worried more about themselves if they caused the bad news and more about the other person when they didn’t.

“This idea of ‘don’t shoot the messenger’ was very active in their minds, especially when they were the locus of the event,” says Jayson Dibble, an associate professor in the department of communication at Hope College and lead researcher on the study.

Two more studies by Dr. Dibble and researchers at the University of Hawaii, published together in the journal Communication Research in March, 2015, found that people will pause in a tough conversation right before they have to deliver bad news.

The researchers brought 275 people into the lab, told them they would be paired with another participant who had taken an IQ test, and that they would need to score this test and share the results with the test-taker. In reality, the test taker was an actor and a computer program produced false results—some were high, some average, some very low. Some of the participants were given a script to use when delivering the news and some had to improvise. Script or not, the participants who had to tell the test taker that he or she had failed hesitated for a few seconds right before doing so. Participants who had to deliver good news, of a high score, didn’t hesitate.

“It might be a communication signal that you are meant to pick up on as a receiver, a way of firing a warning shot,” says Dr. Dibble. “I am giving you a chance to prepare yourself mentally for what is to come.”

My dad had a sort of warning shot he used when I was a child and he wanted to have a serious talk: He’d suggest we take a walk around our block, which was large and lined with oak trees and Victorian homes. On these walks, Dad told me I had to study more in Spanish class and bicker less with my sisters. But we also discussed how to get over the pain of an unrequited crush or handle our grief after Grandma died. I asked my father recently why he chose the walk- and-talk method and he said he felt that strolling side-by-side was less intimidating, as well as bonding, and that getting outside in a pretty setting made the conversation seem lighter.

How can you make dif�icult conversations easier?

Don’t rush into it. Conversations undertaken in the heat of a moment often don’t go well. Invite your loved one to talk. Explain you want to have a vulnerable conversation and ask when it would be a good time to chat. Reassure the other person that the conversation isn’t all bad. Researchers call this pre- talk meta-communication—it is communication about communication, and it helps both parties prepare.

Pay attention to your state of mind. Ditto for the other person. “If you know they are emotionally fragile or under a lot of duress you may want to consider a time where they are more relaxed and receptive,” says Woody Woodward, an organizational psychologist in Jersey City, NJ.

Start with a question. Try to learn where the other person stands, rather than make assumptions. “You may not like what you hear, but at least you can find some common ground on the actual issue in dispute,” says Dr. Woodward.

Listen compassionately. Focus on listening more than talking. To show your loved one you understand what he or she said, repeat it: I understand that you are upset because I said I need more space. Allow the other person to express emotion. Sentences such as, “Don’t feel sad,” or “You are overreacting,” should never come out of your mouth. “What a person really needs is for you to validate their feelings,” says Susan Kuczmarski, a cultural anthropologist, adjunct faculty member in the executive education program at Northwestern University’s Kellogg School of Management and author of “Becoming a Happy Family.”

Give recognition up front. Acknowledge the other person’s strengths. Give a compliment. This will lower the emotional intensity of the discussion, says Dr. Kuczmarski.

Be clear about your goals. What do you want to get out of the discussion? Write this down beforehand. Some people even like to take notes into the talk, to stay on track. “If you were talking to your boss or giving an important presentation,

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you would bring your notes,” Dr. Dibble says. Use these to clearly state what you need from your loved one.

Reframe the talk. View it as a chance to make your relationship better. It might be uncomfortable but it doesn’t have to be negative. “Instead of seeing the conversation as an obstacle and the other person as an opponent, see it as an opportunity to learn about each other and grow,” says Dr. Dibble.

Write to Elizabeth Bernstein at [email protected]

Appeared in the July 18, 2017, print edition as 'This Conversation Doesn’t... ...Have To Be So Hard How can you make tough talks a little easier?.'

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This copy is for your personal, non-commercial use only. To order presentation-ready copies for distribution to your colleagues, clients or customers visit https://www.djreprints.com.

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