Most parents want their young children to have a healthy sense of
self-esteem. That desire can also be seen in education--schools around the
country include self-esteem among their goals. Many observers believe that
low self-esteem lies at the bottom of many of society's problems.
Even though self-esteem has been studied for more than 100 years,
specialists and educators continue to debate its precise nature and
development. Nevertheless, they generally agree that parents and other
adults who are important to children play a major role in laying a solid
foundation for a child's development.
What Is Self-Esteem?
When parents and teachers of young children talk about the need for good
self-esteem, they usually mean that children should have "good feelings"
about themselves. With young children, self-esteem refers to the extent to
which they expect to be accepted and valued by the adults and peers who
are important to them.
Children with a healthy sense of self-esteem feel that the important
adults in their lives accept them, care about them, and would go out of
their way to ensure that they are safe and well. They feel that those
adults would be upset if anything happened to them and would miss them if
they were separated. Children with low self-esteem, on the other hand,
feel that the important adults and peers in their lives do not accept
them, do not care about them very much, and would not go out of their way
to ensure their safety and well-being.
During their early years, young children's self-esteem is based largely on
their perceptions of how the important adults in their lives judge them.
The extent to which children believe they have the characteristics valued
by the important adults and peers in their lives figures greatly in the
development of self-esteem. For example, in families and communities that
value athletic ability highly, children who excel in athletics are likely
to have a high level of self-esteem, whereas children who are less
athletic or who are criticized as being physically inept or clumsy are
likely to suffer from low self-esteem.
Families, communities, and ethnic and cultural groups vary in the criteria
on which self-esteem is based. For example, some groups may emphasize
physical appearance, and some may evaluate boys and girls differently.
Stereotyping, prejudice, and discrimination are also factors that may
contribute to low self-esteem among children.
How Can We Help Children Develop a Healthy Sense of Self-Esteem?
The foundations of self-esteem are laid early in life when infants develop
attachments with the adults who are responsible for them. When adults
readily respond to their cries and smiles, babies learn to feel loved and
valued. Children come to feel loved and accepted by being loved and
accepted by people they look up to. As young children learn to trust their
parents and others who care for them to satisfy their basic needs, they
gradually feel wanted, valued, and loved.
Self-esteem is also related to children's feelings of belonging to a group
and being able to adequately function in their group. When toddlers become
preschoolers, for example, they are expected to control their impulses and
adopt the rules of the family and community in which they are growing.
Successfully adjusting to these groups helps to strengthen feelings of
belonging to them.
One point to make is that young children are unlikely to have their
self-esteem strengthened from excessive praise or flattery. On the
contrary, it may raise some doubts in children; many children can see
through flattery and may even dismiss an adult who heaps on praise as a
poor source of support--one who is not very believable.
The following points may be helpful in strengthening and supporting a
healthy sense of self-esteem in your child:
As they grow, children become increasingly sensitive to the evaluations
of their peers. You and your child's teachers can help your child learn to
build healthy relationships with his or her peers.
When children develop stronger ties with their peers in school or around
the neighborhood, they may begin to evaluate themselves differently from
the way they were taught at home. You can help your child by being clear
about your own values and keeping the lines of communication open about
experiences outside the home.
Children do not acquire self-esteem at once nor do they always feel good
about themselves in every situation. A child may feel self-confident and
accepted at home but not around the neighborhood or in a preschool class.
Furthermore, as children interact with their peers or learn to function in
school or some other place, they may feel accepted and liked one moment
and feel different the next. You can help in these instances by reassuring
your child that you support and accept him or her even while others do
not.
A child's sense of self-worth is more likely to deepen when adults
respond to the child's interests and efforts with appreciation rather than
just praise. For example, if your child shows interest in something you
are doing, you might include the child in the activity. Or if the child
shows interest in an animal in the garden, you might help the child find
more information about it. In this way, you respond positively to your
child's interest by treating it seriously. Flattery and praise, on the
contrary, distract children from the topics they are interested in.
Children may develop a habit of showing interest in a topic just to
receive flattery.
Young children are more likely to benefit from tasks and activities that
offer a real challenge than from those that are merely frivolous or fun.
For example, you can involve your child in chores around the house, such
as preparing meals or caring for pets, that stretch his or her abilities
and give your child a sense of accomplishment.
Self-esteem is most likely to be fostered when children are esteemed by
the adults who are important to them. To esteem children means to treat
them respectfully, ask their views and opinions, take their views and
opinions seriously, and give them meaningful and realistic feedback.
You can help your child develop and maintain healthy self-esteem by
helping him or her cope with defeats, rather than emphasizing constant
successes and triumphs. During times of disappointment or crisis, your
child's weakened self-esteem can be strengthened when you let the child
know that your love and support remain unchanged. When the crisis has
passed, you can help your child reflect on what went wrong. The next time
a crisis occurs, your child can use the knowledge gained from overcoming
past difficulties to help cope with a new crisis. A child's sense of
self-worth and self-confidence is not likely to deepen when adults deny
that life has its ups and downs.
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